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Dave The Barbarian: The Maddening Sprite Of The Stump/Shrink Rap
Reviewed: 07/05/2014
If These Are The Best Heroes We Got; Why Bother Defending It?
Well; I made the decision to take the plunge into the point of hell for DTVA during the Kim Possible era as Disney decided to do a Nickelodeon style show in the vein of Fairly Oddparents; only set it in the dark ages and create a character who cooks and cleans. Welcome to the rant shack: DAVE THE CLEANING BARBARIAN OF LAUGHS. Or just Dave The Barbarian. Either one is acceptable. The show was created by Doug Langdale who created the Weekenders in the past (which is one of the dullest shows in DTVA history) and Project GEEKER; along with Steve Holland the creator of Eek The Cat (which is awesome) and The Terrible Thunderlizards (no comment) which debuted on Disney Channel in 2004; and then onto Toon Disney in 2005 where it simply died after 41 episodes. Here's the premise of the show: The series takes place in the land of Udrogoth during the Middle Ages (albeit a strangely modernized version), and centers on a powerful yet cowardly barbarian named Dave who lives in the fictitious land of Udrogoth along with his older sister Candy and younger sister Fang. His parents, Throktar and Glimia, are the King and Queen, but are away "fighting evil" across the world (though they sometimes communicate via a magic crystal ball or cauldron), and have left Candy in charge of the kingdom as Princess Regent while Dave is supposed to defend the kingdom (since he is the biggest). Together the three siblings, along with their "wizard" uncle Oswidge, are left to run and protect the kingdom. There is a Narrator, referred to either as "the Narrator" or "the Storyteller." He is able to talk to the characters of the show, and vice versa, which breaks the fourth wall. In fact, he was once captured by The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy, and was forced to tell the story from his kidnapper's commands. On paper; this sounds like a modern take on the Flintstones and Hagar The Horrible only in the dark ages, which actually sounds good. In practice.....
My thoughts on the show in the past was that the show sucked and that it focused way too much on making everyone look stupid and thus killing the appeal of the characters. I still feel that way; only I now understand that the lameness is supposed to intentional. Fair enough; but there is a difference between being lame and being horrible and I felt Dave crossed into the horrible path too much to make me want to watch it anymore. I'm not alone in this as the show lasted 21 half hour segments (about 41 episodes give or take) and then ended in 2005 with no relief in sight. I know why: they tried to look creative; but the crossing of lameness and modern sense into the dark ages was not very appealing. This is also the point where the creators started using stock photos as comedy, fart jokes and random humor as a good chunk of the comedy of the show. Also; everyone came off as a jerk and the most appealable characters were the heels. I know Don Karnage suffered from this in TaleSpin; but the TaleSpin babyfaces were likable; even Rebecca Cunningham much to the disdain of the WASP's out there. I'm not nearly offended at the show as I use to be; but there is one scene that does offend me to no end; and we'll get to that bridge soon enough. So the two episodes in questions are basically the family beating up muffins and dealing with a green wood sprite; while the other one is Dave being a shrink to stop an evil naga from killing everybody. These sound like good ideas and they are. But again; it's seeing the idea executed in real time that make or break the series. Let's rant on shall we...?!
The Maddening Sprite of The Stump is written and story edited by Mark Drop. Shrink Rap is written and story edited by David Warrick and Amy DeBartolomeis. David's resume: Lloyd In Space, Lilo & Stitch The Series, and Brandy & Mr. Whiskers. That's it. Plus I have nothing on Amy. Unlike Kick Buttowski; it's been 10 years, so you would think these writers would have a resume, but no. Mark Drop you already know on Kick Buttowski and Fish Hooks . Both episodes were animated by Wang Films/Cuckoo Nest Studios; so that is a problem already.
Opening Momment #1: Ah yes; the opening. It's basically a cheaper version of Fairly Oddparents (in terms of animation style and various rotation and jump cut effects) only it is in the dark ages. Dave has Looney Tunes Elephant Syndrome because he acts all macho and tough (complete with Larson & Gary roided muscles); and then he screams and runs away from a mouse. The adult figures get catapulted out of course; but at least there is a storyline reason for this (short version: They need to kill evil. Long version: They need to kill evil). It ends with the babyfaces running into the castle and it crumbles; with every shot basically lifting the final shot of Fairy Oddparents when Vicki gets her head changed into various objects after saying "Yeah right". The final shot is the logo with Dave appearing to say his swear catchphrase which is "Kajabbers!"; which is at least more creative than Kick Buttowski's. I should note that Dave the Barbarian is voiced by Dan Cooksey who also voiced Brad Buttowski in Kick Buttowski as well. Fang is voiced by Tress MacNeillie in a role where she actually doesn't have to restort to psycho babble to sound deep. Highlights of the opening include the babyfaces looking out of the window to see the parents go; and then they turn around and plop a crown on the stereotypical teenage girl barbarian who is sitting on the throne doing her nails. And Candy is now the boss. Plus Fang MURDERING a daisy with a spear and the always (not) trendy spot where Dave lifts a boulder and half of his furry armor rips off to reveal his underwear. So instead of putting the boulder down next to him; he does the cover up spot and gets MURDERED by the boulder which is actually funny although with Dave doing a cosplay of shadow puppet in a neat stylist spot. Did I mention that they have a winged yellow puppy like dragon named Flappy (Frank Welker) who tries to eat a large green dragon and gets burned to ashes (and he was the one who put the crown on Candy's head). I have one major complaint about this opening: The song is great; but there are two lyrics that show the (lack) quality of this show in a nutshell...
Singer:
Sisters Fang & Candy; A Princess & A Chimp!
Fang:
NOT A MONKEY!
Do you see what is wrong with this? If you are a grammar "bully" taken to extremes; then isn't the rule of thumb suppose to be that when you have more than one character and are comparing a character to it's title (or class), then you go in the order of the names of the characters when discussing titles. Am I right? So if we take that into consideration; this means Fang is the princess and Candy is the chimp. The problem is; the barefoot cave girl with a hatred of being called a monkey is the chimp who is supposed to be Fang and the taller girl is the princess who is supposed to be Candy. So they basically cause confusion to the new fans out there who don't read press releases nor research on-line to find out about these thing. And you wonder why the show never got over and ended after 21 half hour episodes? Otherwise; even though it is lifting from Fairy Oddparents, having a song which sums up the premise is in fact a good thing to get the kids and adults to watch the show. Problem is: excutation is still king and this one fell somewhat flat.
The Maddening Sprite of The Stump: We begin this one in a countryside; which makes it perfectly clear that Disney has decided to lift Nickelodeon's style. I get that Disney wants to do other style other than the Disney style; but if you are going to steal someone's style; steal it from someone who is so obscure that it would get over if it was mainstream. Stealing Nick's Fairy Oddparents style this early when the show is hot is like stealing the Spongebob SquarePants style for Coconut Salad Fred's Island by Cartoon Network. We see various denizens dressed in dark clothing running for the hills as the narrator shows up to tell us that they are running around of the most evil monster in the land. Umm; Jeff Bennett trying to channel Stan Freburg from The Wuzzles and failing badly? That would be very evil. So we then jump cut to a table with pitcher and a chocolate chip muffin on it; which the narrator blows off which tells me that the video guy is the same one who screwed Klegghorn in Puck Fiction. So we then cut back to a woman and a child fleeing from the trees as there is a giant muffin monster with green eyes and purple chocolate chip-equse chips pushing down said trees and growling. This is actually cooler than the evil green pepper monsters in Gummi Bears as we head to Udrogoth Castle which looks like the most run down kingdom ever in the history of animation. We see a Roman like guard in armor running to the throne room where we see the princess (who is no Princess Calla let me tell you) who is basically Shellsea if she was in the Dark Ages, wearing a crown, lacks the disco jackhammer background and is devoid of all coolness; basically acting like a bad female stereotype. This is the life of Princess Candy who is the interm queen of Udrogoth since her parents are somewhere in the world killing evil, just because. Don't worry; we'll see them soon enough and hopefully, they'll explain why they are fighting evil. Candy is voiced by Erica Luttrell and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Born in Toronto, Ontario to a Tanzanian mother and an American father, Luttrell is the youngest of four girls.
She can speak some French and Swahili. She began her acting career at age two in several Pampers and Cadillac commercials. At age nine, she had her first starring role in a television series.[1] Her older sister Rachel Luttrell is also an actress, best known for her role as Teyla Emmagan in the science fiction TV series Stargate Atlantis. She is perhaps best known for her role as Kara on Shining Time Station, and for being the voice of Keesha Franklin on The Magic School Bus. In 1997, she starred as Emelie Robeson on The New Ghostwriter Mysteries. In 2004, Luttrell was the voice of Candy on the short-lived Disney television series Dave the Barbarian. She began her career in Bookmice as Alysha in 1991 and then Kara Cupper in Shining Time Station. Dave The Barbarian is her DTVA debut and only appearance. Diablo III: Reaper of Souls (Naziba, Witch Doctor), Intelligence (Charlotte), JLA Adventures: Trapped In Time (Cheeta/Ma Kent) and Gang Related (Rachel) are her most recent credits. She has 37 acting credits to her resume. So Candy is blowing this off because it's so weird and she like being bored which instantly makes her unlikable. BOO! So they discuss matters concerning defeating his monster muffin as the cave girl with the spear and a bone in her orange hair arrives to proclaim that she wants to squish the muffin and laughs like a scoiopath. This is Fang, the muscle of the group with little brains. She reminds me of Scrappy Doo; if Scrappy was a complete psychopath and wanted to kill someone legit. Which actually makes her likable by proxy. The gimmick of Fang is that she hates being called a monkey even though she does monkey spots. Monkey is sometimes used as a racist insult; so it makes sort of sense with Fang since she is sorted dark skinned. Problem is; almost everyone seems to have a tan on this show. Then the titular character comes in and wants to reason with the muffin monster which would be a riot to see.
This is Dave THE CLEANING BARBARIAN OF LAUGHS as he looks like a barbarian; only that he cannot stand pain at all. He is also a coward and he doesn't like violence at all. See; the reason he wanted to become a barbarian is because he confused barbarian with a libarian that is also a barber; implying that he is really stupid as well. His gimmick is that he cooks and cleans; and enjoying it. The number one turnoff for children audiences is the #1 babyface of the show enjoying stuff children all around the world HATE! Yeah. It's funny though that hearing from John Flagg in interviews suggesting that the international dialogue never translate well; but fart jokes do. The funny thing about it is: I think most people animating and criticizing cartoons seem to forget that the fart joke is usually a non-verbal cue; and non-verbal cues translate really well in any language. The problem is; most creative talents has no idea how to use it properly; or use it enough to get the message across. We focused on the fart and not on the fact that a fart is a non-verbal cue; so we should use non-verbal cues to get a show over. Of course; using it too much can be harmful. See Samurai Jack. Then a dark skinned old man wearing a purple robe with a purple hat comes in and wants to defeat the Muffin Monster by eating it. That is so common sense; but he claims to hate banana nut muffins. He is Oswidge the worst magician in the history of the world; because he only works in the cafetra in magic school. He's a creepy old man who is an uncle to Fang, Candy and Dave who are in fact blood sisters and brother. He is voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson; which is the same guy who voiced Rock Callahan from Kick Buttowski. So Candy blows it off and proclaims that they can ignore it and make it go away. Fang jumps on the throne and blows it off because the monster bully is a bully who needs to be stopped; which is ironic considering that she is bullying Candy right here. Candy points to Dave being the one to pull this barbarian stuff off, which Dave responds by saying that he hates the Enchanted Forest with all those trees with eyes and mouths.
This makes him sound like a Dora The Explorer hater to me (in that they make mention that every international object looks creepy because it has eyes and a mouth; while completely ignoring the fact that this has been done since at least earlier than 1986!) and then the babyfaces teleport to the throne and just yell at each other for no reason. Yeah; the first minute of the pilot and all the babyfaces are doing is whining and complaining. NO BUYS! The guard is panicky because he wants a decision now; to which Oswidge proclaims that they need to stop fighting and go to the enchanted forest...to fight each other there. Okay; that was amusing. So we head to the forest as we see the giant muffin stomping on a wooden wagon as more denizens bail. He rubs the wooden wagon off his foot by raking it on a rock which was impressive. The babyfaces all run in and Dave gets off catchphrase of doom #1 barely two and a half minutes in. Dave then claims that this is the fourth biggest muffin he has ever seen. Normally; that would lead to someone saying "who were the first three biggest muffins?"; but no. Candy basically blows it off because there is no shopping mall here so why should she care. Now; I have no problem with this show being a mix of modern and ancient since this is part of the gimmick that we see on the Flintstones. However; Candy doesn't care about being a princess at all; nor exercising her power to run the kingdom. She is the uncool version of Shellsea. No wonder this show only lasted one season. Fang wants to run in to kill the muffin but Oswidge (who is supposed to be weak and old mind you); pushes on Fang's head and she gets buried. The one likable babyface got buried three minutes in the show. NO BUYS! So Oswidge channels Zummi Gummi and he's not cool at all as the magic spell hits the muffin and makes it bigger. What a shocker?! Fang basically points out the obvious as the burial ground disappears right on cue with flat ground. Yeap; this cartoon is cheaper than usual. Then we zoom out to see a talking tree point out that it grew by 10%; which Oswidge blows the tree off in response. Whatever Oswidge. You suck as a wizard!
So we see Dave panicking like mad as the monster is too big; and wants to bail to live to fight another day which would be sensible. Then suddenly we see that Dave's sword is in fact a talking sword complete with eyes and mouth. This is the infamous speaking sword known as Lula who is basically the Wanda of the group in that she is shrill and nagging, which is exactly like the Flanderized version of Wanda in current Fairy Oddparents episodes. That is just peachy. How do I know she is not likable and a nagging person: Lula is basically telling him to weld her as a sword; but keeps acting like a smug jackass since she keeps saying that this requires a "sharp impilement" in which Dave has no idea what she is talking about. We are supposed to laugh at Dave for being dumb; but it comes off so sarcastically that Lula comes off as a unlikable "sharp impilement" if you catch my drift. Just tell him to unleash your sword and kill this monster already. Dave blows her off and then finally takes out the sword and then we get this charming little "fart joke"...
Dave:
Time to cut a muffin!
Lula: That sounds nasty for some
reason.
The irony of this is that the reaction to the joke implies that it was a fart joke; but the fact is, we do cut muffins that don't involve making a fart joke. So it comes off as funny on it's own merit rather than being Pablo's Dog humor since everyone thinks it's a fart joke; when there is clearly a giant muffin monster in the scene. This joke makes sense and it is funny; so that is BUYS at least. By the way; Lula is voiced by Estelle Harris and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Harris is best known for her supporting role as Estelle Costanza, George's (Jason Alexander) mother and Frank's (Jerry Stiller) wife on Seinfeld, her voice role in Toy Story 2, Toy Story 3, Hawaiian Vacation, Small Fry and Partysaurus Rex as Mrs. Potato Head, and her role as Muriel on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. She appeared in Brad Paisley's music video for the song "Online".[3] Harris is also a voice artist; she has voiced such characters as Lula from Dave the Barbarian, Mama Lipsky on Kim Possible, Thelma on The Proud Family, Old Lady Bear in Brother Bear (2003), Audrey in Home on the Range (2004), and Death's nagging mother on Family Guy. She began her career with Looking Up (Irma) and Summerdog (Mrs. Baleeka) in 1977. Aladdin The Series is her DTVA debut and she was Timon & Pumbaa's (Timon's Mother), Hercules (Phil's Mother), Mickey Mouseworks/House of Mouse (Mrs. Turtle), The Proud Family as Helga, Teacher's Pet (Mrs. Boogin), Kim Possible (Doctor Drakken's Mother Mrs. Lipsky) and The Emperor's New Sckool. Promoted (Sylvia) is her most recent credit. She has 93 acting credits and 14 Self credits to her resume. That's about it for the new voices for today; and really there are only three other new voices in the entire series; so this is more ecomonic and cheap than Rescue Rangers was. So Dave cuts a really lame promo because the muffin monster cannot hurt or kill anyone; and then looks directly at the hard camera and whispers "without the proper permits".
That made me laugh and he channels Daffy Duck from the Robin Hood parody where he tries to do these stupid ass moves with a quarter staff; and gets nailed in the face and bends his beck. Except BS&P RULEZ; so Dave launches the sword into the air and yells wild sword to everyone. Which lands on a tree stump about 35 feet away blade down; meaning it wouldn't have been in the same area even if the babyfaces didn't move. Which they didn't. Dave panics and gets grabbed by the muffin monster as it is about to eat him. Candy panics as she grabs the wand; but Oswidge steals it back claiming that it takes years of training to be a wizard. So Fang steals it; shoots the wand laser saying "bang". It hits the muffin and it turns into liquid dough with only the chips, and eyes remaining intact as it lays in a heap; allowing Dave to be free. Yes; Fang defeated this monster and is a better magician than Oswidge. Well; he is an adult and the rule is that the adults must be made to look stupider than the kids because otherwise, the kids will change the channel, amirite? This is what happens when you gleefully ignore the naunces that go into the influence of the media. When you deal with absolutes in real life; you look like a fool and might be doing moral relevisim under a religious mask. Lula sarcastically blows off Dave and I'm sensing that this is where the Square-Enix localizers got the idea for Ghido in Final Fantasy V Advance. Dave runs in and tries to pull the sword out; but it is stuck. Yeah; he cannot pull a sword out of a wooden stump; and he's the #1 babyface of the show. Dave then bails back to the castle and we channel Rocky training with dumb bells (how fitting eh?) chin up on the bars; and the punching bag. Then he returns and tries to pull out the sword; but no dice. Well; that was lame. Oswidge suggests spitting on the hands; which Dave blows off as unclean, prompting Fang to jump in and spit on his hands. Okay. So Dave is repulsed by this; but stops selling and then out poofs a green male wood sprite who looks like the tiny Jolly Green Giant in the various frozen vegatable commercials.
So he coughs and hates fog for some reason which in any sane universe would factor into the finish; but this show only cares about fart jokes so let's move on. So the wood sprite tells us that the sword is stuck good; and the one who pulls the sword out shall rule Udrogoth forever; so he suggests that they start pulling. Dave is blowing this off because this is why he hates the Enchanted Forest and asks if there is anything that is not enchanted. The wood sprite thinks that one of the rocks is not enchanted, and we pan over to a rock who speaks. So it's enchanted. So we HIT THE MONTAGE with the narrator talking (and failing to be amusing); while the babyfaces try to pull the sword out (and failing in that too!); as Flappy pulls on his arms like the dumbest Zipper ever. Fang pulls with her feet; and Oswidge tweaks his back like an old man. Flip-flop scene changer as the wood sprite mocks the babyfaces. At least he is somewhat of a heel; so I'm fine with this. The wood sprite makes stump jokes as Lula panics because there are worms in this stump. So then we get a pan shot as the circus is apparently in the Enchanted Forest including a guy selling pink t-shirt saying "I tried & failed". I love insider comments that aren't supposed to be insider comments. So they all try; fail and cry as they go into a tent that sezs Chropractor which proves that quackery is alive and well in this land; which is more believable than 99% of this series. Dave notes the business is doing well as we scene change to an empty forest as there is trash and garbage everywhere. So Lula is upset that she is now stuck here forever; which the wood sprite points out since there is no one left to pull the thing out. Then we get a really stupid moment: The wood sprite suddenly states that he is now ruler of Udorgoth which confuses Candy since no one has pulled out the sword. So the wood sprite brings out a banana yellow book and channels Iggy from Teddy Ruxpin in stating that failure to pull the sword out results in Candy forfeiting the kingdom to him which Candy calls unfair. Why not just have the wood sprite pull out the sword himself and win the kingdom that way? Oh wait; that would turn him babyface, I forgot.
The wood sprite claims that he's the rule enforcer not the rule maker which prompts Dave to point out that the rule book is written by the wood sprite called the Sprite Of The Stump, Esq. Yeah. So he chants the most contrived spell ever in sprite kind and steals the crown from Candy to put it on his head. It is supposed to not bury Candy; but she was already buried one minute into the series, so who gives a damn. Sprite Stump (that's his new booking name and I'm sticking to it from now on) admires himself in the golden trim pocket mirror and we head to the castle as Oswidge is shaking like a leaf because he's the new throne for Sprite to sit on. That is actually funny for a change. Oswidge asks why he cannot use the throne and Sprite answers that for me. Besides; Oswidge doubling as a vibrator is MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Dave flossing Sprite's teeth is opposite of that. Fang comes in with the leg of fowl which is a chicken leg complete with the talons as she threatens to murder him; but the king basically blows her off and she backs down. Yes; the sprite did nothing horrible, and she backed down like a coward without getting anything horrible done to her. Oh wait; that's why never mind. So she is forced to chew the chicken leg and spit it on a spoon. She is suppose to spoon feed him; but Dave runs in to stop this; because as I mentioned before, he flosses the sprite's teeth. Yes; Dave is enjoying having to do petty cleaning chores and he's the #1 babyface. NO BUYS~! So Dave is shoved away as he demands Candy come in with the nail clipping bag. Candy walks in with a full bag and looks pissed off as Sprite demands her clip his toenails and of course; his feet are a million times worse and grotequse than mine; because fart jokes equal ratings see. And to think; this is still less than most cartoons today and still make sense in a sort of perverse way. Candy has had enough of this BS and all I can say is "Please kill her Sprite"; as Dave whisper yells to her not to piss off a wood sprite. And this episode completely lifts the ending of the opening from Fairy Oddparents. Whatever. The sprite basically sums this thing up.
So Candy blames Dave for all of this and she does have a point there since it was Dave who threw the sword in the air and it landed on the stump; starting this nonsense. So Dave simply blames Fang for it, like a heel. The babyfaces argue in front of the king as the king yells at them to shut the hell up and thus turning babyface in the eyes of the audience. Sprite threatens more Fairy Oddparents rip offing if Candy doesn't do the toes now. So we get a long, gross scene of Candy pulling out wool and cutting a few toenails. Candy asks if the fuzzie go in the bag; and the sprite sezs no because it would DQ him from a record that no one gives a damn about anyway. So we hear monster noises and in comes the guard as the muffin monster is back; which the sprite breaks the fourth wall right into the hard camera, because this show is lame see. So this time; the muffin monster has a big brother who is seeking revenge on the denizens who killed his little brother. Sprite gets up and does his brave promo about slaying the monster; and then catches himself and mocks the idea. HAHA! So he orders Dave and company to slay the beast and the winner of this gets a totem stick allowing immunity from doing the sponge bath; which in this world would have Dave willfully doing anyway. The babyfaces all bail while Flappy gnaws on the statue; allowing Sprite to whack him to the ground complete with wussy bumps and the squeak sound. Oh boy; just until the #1 heel shows up two episodes from now?! It'll be hilarious, trust me. So we head outside the castle as the Muffin Monster #2 (which looks like a badass at least) rips a tower and throws it away. This prompts Fang to whine that it was her room and it is filled with dolls; which prompts the gang to give confused looks at her. Fang then claims that her dolls are Caveperson speak for weapons. Considering that Lulu from Final Fantasy X fights with dolls as weapons and was released three years before this cartoon, the joke doesn't work anymore.
So Oswidge grabs the wand to start this; which Fang tries to steal from him; which the wand breaks into two pieces. Somehow Oswidge and Fang point the wand at each other and it still zaps them into ashes and soot. Ooookkkkaaayyyyy. Dave ponders this over and proclaims that he needs something powerful; and then sezs Lula out loud; which causes confused looks at Dave now. Then they realize that this is a great idea and they bail stage left to the stump in the Enchanted Forest as Lula is covered in vines for no reason. So Lula continues to be an unlikable jackass as the babyfaces grab onto the sword and tug with all their might, and this pops the sword out of the stump, just like that. There was no tension or buildup to this moment at all; it just ended just like that. So we have the bonding moment as the rule was that if they pull the sword out of the stump; they get the kingdom back which makes perfect sense in storyline; but it makes Sprite Stump look really stupid because if he had just pulled the sword out, he wins. But again; that turns him babyface because he was strong and brave enough to pull of such a feat. Anyhow; Dave proclaims that they are all rulers of the kingdom because they pulled the sword out together. Except for Flappy of course; but no one cares about him as Candy has the crown popped on her head; and she complains about it like a whiny babyface. So NO BUYS! So another tower gets thrown away and it misses the babyfaces by about 2 feet as Oswidge complains that this is his room filled with dolls as well. Confused looks ensue and Oswidge claims it's Wizard speak for magic. Why is it so wrong for men to play with dolls? Isn't an action figure basically a plastic doll that invokes the imagination of violence and action?! Why is everyone staring at me? This made sense to me. So Sprite pops from the carnage and the babyface order him to get back in the stump which Sprite whines for one more sponge bath. The babyface blitz him and the Sprite goes into the stump and that is that. So the babyfaces all touch the handle of Lula together as a team unite! Yawn, whatever. Let's say it again...
Dave:
Time to cut a muffin!
Lula:
That
still sounds nasty for some reason.
So the muffin is killed and used as a trampoline and that is the end of episode. Only there is no animation because the narrator admits that this show is cheap as hell and they show storyboards of the Muffin Monster getting killed; and then we get a blue background with a hand showing a picture of a boy eating cake as the narrator claims that he is not allowed on the trampoline because he is bad. The end. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Thank you for killing the incentive to watch the show because you basically admitted that you are really putting no thought into this show at all; and it's filler. It probably was designed as such; but it's your job to convince the audience otherwise. Just throwing your hands up and just admitting that the show is cheap is basically convincing most kids to turn the channel. And Disney is suddenly surprised that this show tanked in the ratings?! Plus; the entire picture is out of nowhere and goes the same place. No one cares about Billy eating cake and being banned from the trampoline. Plus; this actually encourages the stock photos spot we see on every modern cartoon in history. At least when Phineas & Ferb does it; it makes sense with the storyline. Well; that ends the episode at 10:25. This was just a pilot episode with some funny moments; but little else. These characters have no heat now that they look unlikable from a character standpoint. Being lame can equal funny; but sometimes lame can equal horrible. This was right in the middle veering toward horrible. ** (40%).
Opening Moment #2: So every 22 minute segment has a 15 second short form of the opening. You know your show is bad when you need to redo the opening just to pad the running time. Kajabbers; this show bugs me!
Shrink Rap: We begin this one in the Dark Ages equalivant to Bedrock as there is an arena like building that looks like something from Astro Boy 1980's version as there is a pink banner that reads "Great Indoor Market Place". Ooookkkaaayyyy, we head inside and the backgrounds appears to be completely storyboarded with no color whatsoever. There was a cute spot with the hand cranked wooden escalator; and then we get a really depressing moment as Candy is literally dressed like Lady Gaga in that moment where Mike Adams went off the deep end and claim that Gaga was promoting death. So we get Oswidge interested in a chicken playing a trumpet for the magic convention; which I don't care about as we cut to a store called "Ye Sick People Shop" in red letters. That was amusing as we see the woomeister put a green leech on the fat man's stomach (which is bare mind you) and it slims him down from 300 pounds to 110 pounds in seconds. He walks off in glee as Dave walks in sighing as the woomeister asks what is ailing him; which prompts Dave to cut a promo about his existence and why is he here. You are here because the creators of this show have to live; Dave. So the woomeister brings out the corkscrew and ask if he wants one hole in his head or two which causes Dave to panic and jump in the air holding onto the ceiling. He wanted advice; not surgery as the woomeister blows him off because he doesn't do advice. Even though there is a barrel covering by spiderwebs containing self-help scrolls written by crackpots and weirdeos. Which means it's written by actual scientists. See; irony! Dave is giddy anyway as we scene change to Dave sitting on a bench reading self help scrolls. Flappy joins in as Fang comes in looking awful mind for some reason. Dave claims that in the scrolls, you must express yourself fully. Fang ponders this over and she walks stage left and we get the FCC FRIENDLY OFF-SCREEN FIGHT OF DEATH to kill time. Fang returns with a broken spear and proclaims that she feels better that she killed a cat because we heard a cat scream in the background during this. Psychopath!
Dave then gets heavenly angel sounds; and proclaims that he knows his purpose now which is to help people and the instant he sezs that, we zoom out and all the denizen walk in various directions causing the place to be empty. Ummm; yeah, this is really going to help Dave. Not. So then we segue to Dave looking like a shrink with a phony black beard glasses and blue suit because he is now called a psychofloobicologist. Seriously. Fang is so confused at she cannot read the sign properly; because she is a nasty, brutish and short cave person. Dave is now sitting in a wooden chair stating that he talks to people about their problems and then their problems just walk away as he demonstrated with his fingers. Good non-verbal cue there as Fang does make me giggle when she asks: Does this mean if she talks about Dave being a problem; will Dave go away? HAHA! Good one there Fang! So Dave ignores her and brings out the clipboard and cuts a promo with such big words claiming that Fang is jealous of her brother in roundabout terms and Fang has a headache. Join the club Fang! We all got a headache watching this show for the first time cold. Dave then asks Fang how big words make her feel; and Fang runs away through the castle as she blows him off. Dave is following her asking "How does X make you feel?". What a jerkass this Dave is? She told you to stop asking questions; so stop ASKING them! If you are going to be an ethicial shrink; you must allow the person you are treating to ponder this on her own terms. When she wants you to end the session; you end the damn session! So he head in Candy's room as she continues in her rigid gender role as uncool Shellsea; this time with green slime all over her face. Fang gets to the window as Candy is looking in the mirror; so Candy tells Dave to cut the damn act out. So then Dave starts turning the questions on HER! The irony of all this is that: Dave is suppose to be helping people; yet he has not only make people feel repulsed by his questioning; he also acts like a emotionless robot who cannot pass a Turing Test. That is one hell of a way to build up your #1 babyface there guys!
Candy runs away and goes into Oswidge's room (I think) as Oswidge is observing the horn playing chicken and having fun as Candy runs in yelling at him to tell Dave to shut up. Dave runs in and asks questions to Oswidge. You know; if you want to stop him, why not ANSWER one of the questions. So Oswidge is pissed off and he uses his magic wand which I thought it would turn Dave into a donkey; but then a donkey drops down and MURDERS him. HAHA! Fang would certainly approve of that. Also; this is the first time Oswidge has actually worked sort of. Dave's mouth states that he was only trying to help see. Sure you were Dave; I believe you. Not. So we discover that the trumpet playing chicken is named Gogo; so someone was playing Final Fantasy VI when writing this. Candy's green mask is a cleansing goo which removes all imperfections and wrinkles as she rips off her face literally. Okay; just the nose, eyes, mouth and hair. Oswidge is amused and Gogo plays the trumpet as I yawn and we scene change to Lula playing the victim this time, only she actually answers Dave's questions thoughtfully this time; making her the most likable babyface of the group. And she is supposed to be the sarcastic one of the group too. So Dave asks how this makes her feel and she admits that she is mad; which is par for the course as she blows off Dave again. Dave tells her to express her anger and she MURDERS Dave with a sword beam; causing him to go to ashes and soot. HAHA! Dave tells her not yet as he wants Lula to give out a primal screen which Lula happily obliges. So she screams and we get the massive sound hurricane spot which causes Dave to lose his shrink gear and his boots as he hangs onto a palm tree. Yeah; because that is what this episode needs: More windbags! So we cut back to Lula screaming like hell and then we pan down beneath the ground as we see various dinosaurs playing tennis. Yeah. Then we see a tomb with a coffin in which the lid cracks open and out comes a green naga like creatures who calls himself Quozmir the monster whose gimmick is being the ruler of random stuff no one cares about including over-used puncuation. Whatever turns you on sir. He is also wearing a cape and is pissed off; which I say...Join the club monster!
Quozmir is voiced by Michael McShane and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Born and adopted in Hancock Michigan and raised in Roeland Park, Kansas,[2] He attended San Francisco State University [3] and performed with Faultline Theatre and the San Francisco Shakespeare Festival as well as American Conservatory Theatre and the Eureka Theatre.[4] McShane had performed on stage, on television, and in film, and was an alumnus of Los Angeles Theatresports. One of his larger TV roles was as Kramer's nemesis Franklin Delano Romanowski (FDR) on Seinfeld. He also had a cameo role as a doomed hypnotherapist in the film Office Space and played the friendly scientist, Professor Keenbean, in the 1994 movie Ri¢hie Ri¢h as well as Friar Tuck in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. He also co-starred with Sir John Gielgud, Emily Watson and Rosemary Harris in "A Summer's Day Dream" for BBC "Performance" series. In 1995, McShane starred as Harley in the BBC Screen Two TV Movie Crazy For A Kiss, about a young boy who is sent to a mental institution for teenagers in Kansas. Touted as being somewhat autobiographical of McShane's childhood, the film has never been released on video or DVD. McShane appeared in Tom and Huck as Muff Potter and on Brotherly Love as the experienced but wisecracking mechanic, Lloyd. He provided the voice for Cid in the video games Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2.He appeared in Tower of Terror, a TV movie based on the Disney attraction as "Q" along with Steve Guttenberg and Kirsten Dunst. He had also appeared with Tony Slattery in the comedy sketch show S&M, starred with Sandi Toksvig in the sitcom The Big One, and provided voice work in the anime Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, as D's sarcastic possessed left hand. He also provided the voice of Detective Twitch in the HBO animated series Spawn.
Other voice work by McShane includes the characters of Tuck and Roll, the twin pill bugs in A Bug's Life and the video game of the same name in 1998,he also provided the voice of Shalulu in Disney's redub of Castle in the Sky. He also portrayed Baron Rakan Harkonnen in the 2001 strategy game Emperor: Battle for Dune. He also voiced Rabbit's dastardly neighbour Wolf in Granada Television's Don't Eat the Neighbours, Thunderpig, several characters in Clerks: The Animated Series, Hands in the Disney film Treasure Planet, a Mountain Man in King of the Hill, Quozmir in Dave the Barbarian and Rumpelstiltskin in Happily N'Ever After. He also narrated several episodes of Animated Tales of the World. In 2003, McShane underwent gastric bypass surgery, losing a significant amount of weight. In 2005 he made an appearance as Dr. Phelps in Malcolm in the Middle. In 2006 he was in a production of Talk Radio directed by Stewart Lee, with Stephen K. Amos, Phil Nichol. It was the first dramatic production in the Udderbelly, a performing space housed in a giant, inverted purple cow. McShane appeared as the voice of Audrey II (as well as playing a number of peripheral characters) in the London revival of Little Shop of Horrors at the Menier Chocolate Factory in Southwark between December 2006 and February 2007. The show was a critical success and was sold out for the duration of its run, and Mike had been contracted to continue in the role following the show's transfer to the West End at the Duke of York theatre. In September 2007 he took part in the British Library's celebration of Jack Kerouac, reading excerpts from On The Road on the 50th Anniversary of its publication. In 2008, McShane appeared as a guest performer in Paul Merton's Impro Chums, a live improv show, and was asked to join the permanent company for three UK tours, and is still ongoing with the group. and as Dr. Vaabit in episode 5 of BBC's Sitcom Lab Rats,[5] and has appeared twice on the BBC radio programme Just a Minute.
In 2012, Mike wrote and starred in, alongside Suki Webster, a play called "Mon Droit" based on the incident of the discovery of a body in St. James Park in London. The deceased was an American with a psychological condition known as De Clerembault's Syndrome, and believed he was receiving messages from Queen Elizabeth the Second to come and be her paramour. It was received favorably, and Mike was nominated for Best Actor by The Stage magazine. In September 2012, McShane appeared as the character Grayle in the television series Doctor Who in the series 7 episode "The Angels Take Manhattan." In November 2012, Mike starred as a CIA military consultant in BBC Three comedy series "Bluestone 42". In February 2013, Mike created the role of Louis B. Mayer in the new musical "The Tailor Made Man" at The Arts Theatre in London's West End, garnering rave reviews. He began his career in Tucker: The Man & His Dream as Recording Engineer in 1988. Dave The Barbarian is his DTVA debut and only appearance. Love In The Time Of Monsters (Slavko) is his most recent credit. He has 72 acting credits and ten Self credits to his resume. Well; so much for not having all the voices. Quozmir proclaims that he will pay for this and then catches himself and then claims that she will pay for this. So he gives out a primal scream as we head back to Lula ending her screams as the babyfaces all run in a panic because it's the end of the world, since Gogo has gone missing. Somehow; that is believable and justified. So we get an earthquake and the floor cracks open revealing Quozmir demanding answers to this outrage. He wants to know who did this and Dave points out that it was Lula; in which Lula responds by proclaiming that when this is over, she is going to do horrible things to him with a cheese grater. Like Hepatitis C Lula? Screw off Lula! You are the one who did the primal scream and you were stupid enough to have it on full blast. Learn to control thee powers Lula; it's a great responsibility. Peter Parker said it in doublespeak; so it must be true.
So Quozmir wants to kill everyone and leave devastation in his path. The problem is that his gimmick is that he doesn't know words that are four letters or less. Which would have worked if he didn't say "my" for starters. This guy is a moron; which is par for the course in this show. Everyone acts like complete morons as Flappy; the dragon who doesn't speak gives out the right answer of path, which Quozmir thanks him and calls him a flying potato. He looks more like a mango to me; so the joke doesn't catch. So Quo shoots fire from his mouth and destroys part of the castle which he calls a lugie; which is kind of redundant anyway. Quozmir proclaims that he will destroy the earth completely which Dave asks why; and that stops Quo in his tracks. Yeah. Quo then admits that he doesn't know why he is doing this and wants help in dealing with his problems. This was funnier in the Super Mario World comic in Nintendo Power magazine where Mario and Luigi play shrink to a giant Boo who has issues. Watching Quo acts like a crybaby heel when he is supposed to be a monster heel is awful; and not lame. Quo asks if there is anyone who helps people with their problems and Dave is jumping up and down like a small child wanting to be picked for dodgeball or something. So the narrator points out the process for us and we head to the fainting chair of doom as Dave is writing notes and Quozmir is burying himself as a creditable heel as his mother is taking something for him for no reason. He also has a combover which I don't care; much like this sequence of events. It's a naga blanket which means this is the Naga version of Linus Van Pelt. Nice one guys...not. So Dave brings out the umbrella because Quo is crying buckets of tears as Dave tells him to bring the feelings out; so he asks how he feels and Quozmir stammers; and then flexes his muscles and proclaims that he feels like killing everyone with thunderbolts ensuing. Quo bails stage right as Dave thinks that they made some progress. Riiiigggghhhhttttt. Someone should arrest Dave for impersonating a doctor more or less as Dave brings out a tray of coffee make in the dark ages. Whatever; I want this episode over with now. Not because it sucks (much); but because I almost lost power about an hour ago. Fang is not amused by Dave's answer to the fact that Quo is still going to kill everybody.
So we head outside the Great Marketplace of Doom as Quo lurches in and destroys the place. So this goes on for a while until he makes it to the green skinned old woman who sold Oswidge the trumpet playing chicken earlier; asking if she can serve him. So she brings out two big ass wheels of cheese and this is enough to make him stop the destruction and squashes the poor old lady with a big ass of golden coins; which makes both of them so happy that no one sells the cringeworthiness of the spot. Quo is loving the cheese (thus is now a Monty clone) as the babyfaces run in and Oswidge tells us that cheese is bad because it creates flem. Doesn't all food do that?! See; more flem equals bigger fireballs equals shopping district getting destroyed. Yes; this served the purpose of making Candy look like a selfish princess who loves shopping. Shellsea; are you listening? Anyhow; Candy is pissed off (of course); and does karate kicks to whack the cheese away as she threatens to kick Quo's ass. I would say that I cannot take this seriously even if I could try; but she PUTS OUT THE NAGA~ anyway! Okay; that was amusing but not as much as Fang thinks sadly. So then we get more kicking ass and taking names from Candy as we discover Flappy hicupping and out comes the trumpet; imnplying that he ate Gogo. He killed Gogo! YOU BASTARD! Oh wait; the chicken's name is Koko? That is dumb as Oswidge is rattling Flappy for fun as Dave runs in to stop Candy from killing him; and ends up getting MURDERED by Quo complete with farting sound effect. Okay; that was legit funny. Only because Dave deserves it since he STARTED this insanity which the point of the story is: Self-help books bad. Which is somewhat accurate. So Candy protests this outrage because he is a meance to shopping and the cheese would go to his hips anyway. Dave proclaims that he is going to help Quo and use the ultimate weapon in the shrink's quackery bag....Handicrafts! Yes; we scene change (flip-flop) to Quo making the worst paper-mache art in the history of mankind and Bea. This actually made sense at least and kids will not turn on Dave for this because paper-mache is messy.
So the babyfaces walk in and praise Dave (mostly from Candy) for turning the evil monster into someone who is nice. Quo asks who he should give the thing to and Dave suggests his mother. Quo then gets that look and then is pissed off because his mommy was an evil prick as he is in rage and wants to kill everybody again. He shoots fire and destroys the castle as Lula blows off Dave claiming that they are back to where he started from as Dave gets off the second Kajabbers of the episode (four if you include the opening) proclaiming that this is worse. The babyfaces all blame Dave for this and Fang completely re-arranges Dave's face for my pleasure. Dave admits that he caused nothing but misery and chaos; which Candy replies that he did his best. Which of course is lame and stupid; thus telegraphing the genre of the show as a Spongebob Squarepants/Fairy Oddparents clone. Candy states that Quo does need to talk to Dave; he need to talk to his mother which in the next scene we see Candy moderating between Quo's mother and Quo as she looks like a naga version of your stereotypical mean mother; which makes sense at least because she is a heel along with Quo. So they exchange notes and "pleasure" thoughts. Scare words intentional. So Dave comes and proclaiming that he has destroyed about 14,000 buildings and other assorted stuff including a donkey which Quo claims was an accident because he thought it was a toothpick. You know; if they wanted this to make more sense: Have Gogo be the toothpick Dave was talking about. His mother is actually pleased with him because he was really a good monster after all; as Quo is in tears of joy mode. Awwwwwwwww! This effectively turns them babyface. So they hug and his mother decides that they will celebrate this by leaving Urdogoth alone and destroy the northern half of the world. They waddle off into the sunset as Fang is clearly happy with this while Candy doesn't like this at all because they are going to destroy half a world; which Fang replies that it's not the half they live in. So Candy backs off and likes it; effectively turning her heel as well. So we Flappy spit out Gogo into Oswidge's hands as Gogo is basically shaking like a leaf and in no condition to play at the magical convention. Dave is sulking near the castle wall; proclaiming that he is useless. Well; then I can stop caring about this show then. Oswidge tells him that he can make it up to the family which Dave accepts. So we head on stage at the magic convention with Dave on stage in a chicken costume playing the trumpet as he proclaims that he'll do anything to help. Okay; that is a fine ending and that is that at 11:04. This was just another dumb episode with an amusing finish and ending; so I'm not going to complain much. ** (40%).
THE REVIEW LINE
So we begin the Dave The Cleaning Barbarian Of Laughs with two below average episodes which is not a good thing to have to start a new series. Sure; The Wuzzles had better episodes down the road and even Rescue Rangers recovered enough to be great; this I fear will not have the same luck. Every babyface in this show is not very likable except for Fang and the heels; in which Fang is a clear psychopath. Both episodes were just there and where there were some funny moments and most of the storyline was solid and it made sense; it felt like the character and actual payoffs were not so good. It was a lot of fart jokes which some of them were legit funny; and a lot of random humor that was subtle enough to be funny (although the end of the Maddening Sprite Of The Stump was horrible because it killed the incentive of watching the show), the show felt like it was insulting me; but in an unintentional way. That is not a good sign for this show. Hopefully; later episodes will prove me wrong; but I will say this: There is one particular scene in this series that does offend me to no end and the main reason why I hated this show in the past. We'll get to there when we cross that bridge. So I'm going to give Mighty Ducks the nod for the third episode rant tomorow on grounds that the last episode wasn't nearly as a mess as it usually is. So....
Thumbs down for both episodes and I'll see you all next time.