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Dave The Barbarian: Pet Threat/Lula's First Barbarian
Reviewed: 07/13/2014
This Pet Show Is A Threat To My First Inner Barbarian!
All right; so we didn't have that good of a start to the series. However; since Mighty Ducks was horrible, this is a perfect chance for Dave and company to wipe the floor with the ducks and come out with two solid episodes for my pleasure. So today's card features Fappy foresaking the family because he is disrespected which appears bad on paper; but this is the debut of the #1 heel of the show which I did like even back when I hated the show so much, so it has a chance. The second half is Lula reuniting with a He-man/Link type barbarian who is dense. Still better than the last Mighty Ducks episode I ranted on. So does Dave squash Mighty Ducks in terms of quality; or do they find someway to screw this simple task up? Let's rant on shall we...?!
Pet Threat is written and story edited by Tom Minton. Lula's First Barbarian is written and story edited by Evan Gore and Heather Lombard. Evan started as a writer for the Mickey Mouse Club in 1989. Then he worked as an actor for Murphy Brown (Tom), Homeboys In Outer Space (Brooklyn), Short Cinema, Ladies Room LA, Topa Topa Bluffs (Shane Black) and Legend of Frosty The Snowman as a Paperboy. Other credits include: George Of The Jungle 2007 edition, Casper's Scare School, Ozzy & Drix, Futurama, The X's, Pound Puppies 2012 edition, and Littlest Pet Shop 2012 edition among others. The Weekenders is his DTVA debut and he also worked on Lilo & Stitch The Series and The Emperor's New Sckool. He has 16 writing credits, seven other credits, six acting credits, one producer credit (On The Beat) and one voice direction credit (Turok: Son of Stone) to his resume. Heather's resume: Futurama, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, Ozzy & Drix, George Of The Jungle, Lucky Fred, Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-lot, Packages from Planet X and her most recent credit Littlest Pet Shop 2012 edition. The Weekenders is her DTVA debut and she also worked on Lilo & Stitch The Series. That's about it. I believe both episodes were animated by Wang Films.
Opening Moment #1: When the castle crumbles to the ground; there is a pile of doughnuts shown; proving that this show is a low rent Fairly Oddparents. I should note that while the two lyrics that I complained about in the opening are still wrong in a grammar context; the visuals during the "Dave's Sister's Fang & Candy" part are in fact correct with Fang eating like a pig and Candy acting self-absorbed wearing a scarf made out of a live goat afterwards. So there would be no confusion after all. So I really had been nitpicking the song after all.
Pet Threat: We begin this one with a far shot of Udrogoth as we get the most contrived cloudy to sunny day ever made in a cartoon as we went from white skies to blue skies with sun appearing with a metal clicking sound. So we cut to the castle door and see Dave open the double doors of the castle. He walks out of the castle and completely ignores the fact that Fappy is behind him and the doors slam shut; crushing the poor yellow dragon in the chest. The narrator proclaims that they are going to have action packed adventures...which involves tapping for sap from a tree since Dave has a bucket and gleefully pointing out that he is literally a sap. Of the maple kind which Fappy gags; and yes, Dave does understand what he is saying even though Flappy cannot even speak a word of English (rendering Flappy into the low rent Zipper). So we tap for sap and get only one drop; so Dave puts a choke hold on the tree itself and we get sap shooting out of the metal spout like a cannon and Oswidge (who comes out of nowhere) comes in and opens his mouth wide on cue to drink the shooting sap. So yes; Fanboy & Chum Chum are not the only ones who have an IQ under eight at this point. Anyhow; Oswidge is now a rubber ball as he calls the sap tart so to speak, and everyone ignores Fappy again. So then Dave scratches the head of Fappy acting like a really annoying aunt asking him if he wants some tasty sap. Ummm; no he doesn't Dave as Lula acts like a total jackass, only she's the honest one as she hates crybabies. So why does she hang out with Dave then? I realize that she is a sword, but why hang out with a barbarian who doesn't have the _chop-chops_ to be one? So then Fang comes out yelling at the four babyfaces that Dave's mother and father are on the crystal ball as I discover that they have a lavender welcome mat on the ground in front of the doors. Dave is so giddy about this that he steps on Fappy as he walks away from the trees. Yeah; this is turning into Zipper Come Home now. So we head to a table with a crystal ball as we meet and greet the family's parents who are known as King Throktar and Queen Glimia who are battling against evil you see.
Now why are they doing this? I betcha this never gets explained as Throktar has a lot of red hair including mustache and beard. Glimia is dark skinned and having purple hair and red lips. She is also wearing gold earrings and a purple dress; with both of them wearing crowns. Glimia claims that everything is fine; but Throktar destroyed a discounted shoe outlet which he mistook as an evil fortress; which we actually get to see the carnage. Even more amazing; Throktar sezs "my bad" and both parents act like this was nothing to them because Glimia said all this with a look on her face that read "who cares?". I'm not surprised here; barbarians are barbaric after all, which is an old version of the word psychopath. Glimia asks if they got a package from them in which Oswidge asks what is this package. Glimia tells us that they sent Fappy a glazed ham which causes Oswidge to look like he did something horrible since we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! Cut to outside the castle as Oswidge is signing a clipboard; and then gives it back to someone off-camera; and then grabs the glazed ham. If you cannot guess what happens next; then you have no business reading this rant. Yip; he eats the ham like a druggie. Wonderful; we now have a low rent Monty which is probably the only time you would be an improvement in the character. Not by much mind you; but still. The arm that gives him the ham looks so pink that you would think a pig anthro was giving him the ham. So we return to reality (Riiiiiiigggghhhhtttt) and Oswidge completely denies it as Dave asks why. Glimia explains that today is Dragon Appreciation Week which allows Dave to lighty punch himself in the face and get off Kajabbers #1 of the episode. Dave shows off a calender that the week is almost over; and hasn't done a thing for him. Ooops; what a hell of a way to make Lula look like the biggest jackass around...AGAIN! So Candy proclaims that there is one way to solve this problem....SHOPPING~! So she drags everyone out of the castle, which we see Throktar asking for some kind of magical fruit to be sent back because they need it to slay an evil yeti shown in the background wanting to freeze the world. Whatever.
Of course; they are talking to no one. What a hell of a debut for these two parents? Why don't we just cut to the chase as to why they are claiming that they left to slay evil around the world? The reason they are doing this is: Kids are the main event in this show. If the adults were truly the main event (teenagers are considered kids so Fang, Fappy, Dave and Candy are fine; Oswidge is a useless load anyway, so he is filed under "stupid boring adult") and/or had some sense, the kids would automatically change the channel, amirite? There are various problems with this: (1) What scientific study did you read that stated this (and no; focus groups do not count because they can be easily manipulated into the execs favor due to nepostim) because I can't find said study (this is on par with old farts making asserations that they speak for the people when they clearly don't) (2) In this case: Which is much cooler: Shopping for a gift for someone you don't care about or fighting the forces of evil? My point is this: Kids don't give a damn about seeing characters shopping because if they want to or could; they would do this by themselves. The quest to make kids relate to the characters completely only works if what they ultimately do is much cooler. They would often choose fighting the forces of evil; which is what the ADULTS are doing in this show. They would turn the channel not because there are adults on the show; they would change the channel because the main event KIDS are much less cool than the midcard ADULTS. That is one reason why Quack Pack didn't work: The adult (Donald) was much cooler than the kids (nephews) and the kids were smart enough to see through this. TaleSpin worked because Kit Cloudkicker was much cooler than Baloo (and Baloo is much better than anyone on Dave The Barbarian including the kids); and Molly wasn't far behind. And that show had mostly adults on the show! So yeah; this was a waste as we head to the "Great Indoor" Marketplace of doom as the narrator of course has to overkill an underwhelming scene which not even kids are buying what they sell. SHOPPING~! It sucks. Don't do it unless you need to.
So Dave, Fang, Oswidge and Candy walk in as Candy wants them to find a apporos gift for Fappy. Of course Candy cares more about putting a goat around her neck; Fang is looking at the cute cat statues as I wait with baited breath to see her smash the lot of statues and not have to pay for them. She is teasing the smashing part; but Oswidge steals the statue away and she complains about not doing anything barbaric because she is a psychopath. Here's a bit of a clue: If the best babyface you have is a psychopath; your show sucks. Dave is reading a scroll while the green skinned fortune teller like lady (who is no Una by the way) asking how she might serve them and then she starts going on and on as she grabs a wooden ladder and climbs the shelves to give Dave random international objects; including about a half dozen spiked objects including the dreaded SPIKED TOILET PAPER OF DEATH! Then the low rent Una clone runs down and goes to a basket; and pulls out a diseased weasel with flies all around it. That cannot be a dieased weasel because he is clearly not me. The fortune teller tells that she knows what he is thinking and did I mention that she has a left eye that is pink (whites and pupil) while her other eye is white whites and a green pupil. Dave proclaims that it is adorable which the fortune teller somehow agrees with him. She wants 50 grecos which I discover is the money system in Udorgoth because Dave proceeds to throw dollar bills at her. The fortune tell is so happy that she wears the money as earrings. Fang and Oswidge arrive as Dave proclaims that he will nurse this dieased weasel back to health so he can become best friends with Fappy which is pretty much evidence that Dave doesn't give a damn about Fappy anymore. Fang asks Oswidge if she can smash Dave to atoms and Oswidge ponders it over; teasing saying no, but then sezs yes after seeing Dave cuddle someone who has diseases. Look Dave; I understand you wanting to nurse someone back to health and it's noble, but you are doing it so wrong that you will die from said disease. Fang is giddy about this and then we cut away to the castle with Fappy moping. Whatever.
So then the family comes in yelling surprise and Dave The Barbarian who in the previous scene was supposed to get his ass kicked by Fang; looks as if nothing had happened. So you tease violence but don't deliever? So why bother having Fang saying that she wants to smash Dave then? BS&P my ass! Book a different setup then! They sing this horriblely contrived song which Fappy sells so we all know that it doesn't take much to amuse himself. Dave then shows him the diseased weasel of doom to Fappy and he has that look of "what?" This did not amuse him! It did amuse me though. The weasel is known as Carl as Fappy drops on his ass on the table and Dave shakes the weasel as it cough; calling it the cutiest thing on earth. Dave has to be from some other planet; no one can be this stupid and love that diseased weasel. Fappy does the Gruffi pose and no sells which of course to Dave means he loves it; Fappy really, really loves it! So we head to Fappy's bedroom as Faffy is sleeping right beside Carl as Dave points out that he is only doing this until he nurses it back to health as he puts a white cloth on Carl's head and feeds worms in a bucket; which I discover are literally coming out of Dave's nose. Yes; I think we found a gross out joke that is more repulsive in three seconds than every cartoon I have seen this year including Breadwinners. So then we get a closeup shot of the weasel because according to the narrator; the diseased weasel is NOT diseased; it's evil because he is looking for the magical fruit of BoogaBloo-whatever it's called. Memo to writers: I'm all for whacky names; but just because scientists can get away with complex sounding names that I cannot spell nor pronounce; doesn't mean you can. One of the bricks on the wall has a glowing purple border to it. The narrator goes on and even Carl is sick of it; because he stops selling evil and sells sickness again with a fart. Dave takes this as it is not hungry; so he eats the worm that he took out of his nose about 10 seconds ago. Then he throws the bucket onto the bed; causing Fappy to do a stunt dragon bump off of the bed to the floor. This prompt Dave to believe that Fappy is being generous.
Fappy then breathes a thunder beam like breath right in Dave's kisser and his head turns into a burnt out match head. HAHA! As they say about matches: all heads, no brains. Or in Dave's case, a misplaced version of empathy. Fappy then accuses Dave of loving Carl more than him; which Dave denies. Riiiiigggggggghhhhhttttt Dave. Dave blows him off and walks out turning off the lights. So the narrator tells us that Faffy is going to kill Carl in roundabout terms with the complex GUMMI WAY TRAP OF DEATH! Oh why not? This show takes place in about the same era as Gummi Bears; so it makes sense. Sort of. Here's the problem with this trap: Fappy is using a fishing line with nose worm bait to get Carl's head to lean forward so he could eat it and spring the trap. Why bother? Just do the trap and then spring the 900 lb weight onto Carl! It's not like Dave is not going to notice either way; so why bother? Yeah; Carl is not buying this, Fappy touches the nose worm and the weight drops; and instead of moving out of the way, he just stands there and gets crushed by said weight. If this was done so Fappy would gain sympathy from Dave for getting crushed; then it did not work because Dave comes in pissed off saying that he is so disappointed in him. So Flappy is punished by being forced to sleep outside; which is so going to work. NOT! Why doesn't it work? Because Fappy flies to the window and there is no glass in said window. So the narrator ruins all the tension in this by proclaiming that Fappy is making a horrible discovery. Which is that this weasel can speak and this weasel is so evil that he is going to steal the magical fruit and kill everybody. Fappy panics and starts banging on the castle door; which without even seeing what happens next; I can tell what is going to happen next because this is done in every Scooby Doo episode since 1969: Dave answers door. Flappy complains about the weasel talking. They go to the bedroom and the weasel sells as if he is sick to the gills; and cannot speak. Fappy gets pissed off at this and tries to force the weasel to talk. Dave has had enough and blows off Fappy proclaiming that Fappy is useless to him. Fappy takes the hint; puts the clothes on a stick and flies out of the castle saddened that he has been disowned by his "family". That is what normally happens in this situation.
Well; this is not what happens here. What happens here is: Fappy knocks on Candy's door and she opens it and blows off Fappy before slamming the door. Same thing from Oswidge as he threatened to turn Fappy into something and then Dave justs blows off Fappy and orders him to leave to think about what he just did. Fappy gives up; puts his clothes on a stick and flies away. Notice something missing: Yes; they blew him off before Fappy could show evidence and for the weasel to prove that Fappy is such a jackass. This renders everyone into an idiot except for Fappy; and everyone including Fappy into an unlikable jackass! Every babyface in this show is bad! I take it back; this episode is now officially worse than Zipper Come Home. It was better than that episode until this stupid moment! As Fappy leaves; we zoom out to the bedroom as Carl is so happy that he stops selling and runs to the wall; opens the door and grabs the Grape of Who Gives A Crap declaring victory. The fact that this weasel is more mover than all the characters combined except for Fang who didn't even have a chance to blow off Fappy much less kill him. Which would have been a sense of mercy in his point of view. Boboo De Baboo? Really guys?! So the family walks in and I should note that Candy is the only person in the room not wearing slippers; which is funny considering that Fang wears Molly's pjs despite being bare foot most of the time in the series in normal gear. Anyhow; Dave seems okay with him being up and about speaking despite the fact that Carl has the grape in his hand. Carl is on the CHEST OF DEMONS as he calls Dave a barbaric chucklehead. I need a drop of this line on audio right now! Carl proclaims that he has the grape; and he'll destroy the family right now. Dave has to ponder this over about how great it is; leading Oswidge to admit that this is not so great. So Carl gets rid of his disguise to reveal an anthro pig wearing a golden necklace and wizard's cape.
This guy is so perfect for TaleSpin as a second season heel when Don Karnage gets buried because he's basically the same character, only he's low rent as well; but not nearly as low rent as the rest of the crew. Heck; he can also bump like a madman like Mad Dog can; so he has a second amusing trait about him already. Welcome the number one heel of Dave THE CLEANING BARBARIAN OF LAUGHS: The Dark Lord Chuckles The Silly Piggy (and we should have known it was him because he projected his name into insulting Dave). I must say that without the spoilers; I would have not seen this coming. Of course Dave cannot even remember the poor pig's name; thus showing no sense of reality. Chuckles' laugh is awesome (he's stumbling over words as he does this which makes it funnier in hindsight) and it's better than Don Karnage's! Of course Chuckles bumps better than Don as well; so there you go. I was hoping he would be called The Dark Overlord Chuckles The Silly Piggy; just so he can remind us that he is over as a character. Oh well; Dave is an idiot anyway. Dave gets off the second Kajabbers of the episode as he blows off Chuckles for telling him. Screw you Dave; let him insult you and LIKE IT! So Chuckles does his overwrought speech about the grape as the family just stands there doing absolutely nothing. Yeah; the awesomeness of Chuckes voice prevented them for tackling him down despite the fact that there is FOUR babyfaces against ONE heel. So Chuckles eats the grape and he calls it tarty; and then grows and destroys the roof of the castle along with a clothesline. So we are in complete shadow despite the fact that it is daytime; and Chuckles is proclaiming that he is the most awesome monster ever....and then we turn off the shadow to reveal that he is an orange kitten and he looks exactly like Cat from Catdog; only without...umm...Dog. Why would you rip off the most annoying shows writers? There's a good reason why they say "If you are going to steal; steal from the best"...it's because at least you admit that they were good ideas. Anyhow; better get the voice actor out of the way...
The Dark Lord Chuckles The Silly Piggy is voiced by Paul Rugg and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Rugg has worked extensively in the field of animation. His list of credits include writing for, co-producing, and playing the voices of several cartoon characters, first being credited as "Mr. Director" (a Jerry Lewis-esque character when he screams) from Steven Spielberg Presents Animaniacs. Afterwards, he voiced the title character in Steven Spielberg Presents Freakazoid! and the Histeria! portrayal of Nostradamus, as well as the main recurring villain, the Dark Lord Chuckles The Silly Piggy in the Disney series Dave The Barbarian. Recently, he has provided the voice of Barbra for Cartoon Network's Secret Mountain Fort Awesome. Rugg also appeared live as the eccentric character "Manny" in the ABC Kids short Manny the Uncanny. Rugg created and directed The Sam Plenty Cavalcade of Action Show Plus Singing! with Mitch Schauer, on behalf of The Jim Henson Company. He also played the voice of Principal Rotwood in the Disney Channel Original series American Dragon Jake Long. Rugg was once—along with Adam Carolla and John P. McCann (his co-producer on Freakazoid!)—an improvisational actor at the Acme Comedy Theatre in Los Angeles, where he created the character Manny the Uncanny. Rugg was recruited to the Warner Brothers Television Animation team headed up by Jean MacCurdy and Tom Ruegger and was a key contributor to their various series in the 1990s. Rugg recently moderated a panel about some of the classic series produced during this time at Comic-Con in 2008. (Participants included Paul Dini, Jean MacCurdy, John P. McCann, and Andrea Romano) Paul Rugg later worked with Brian Henson when he took up puppeteer work for Puppet Up! and other projects of the Jim Henson Company under its "Henson Alternative" banner.
In 2010, Paul Rugg, along with Tom Ruegger, Sherri Stoner, Nathan Ruegger and John P. McCann appeared in The Nostalgia Critic's Animaniacs Tribute and was interviewed by The Critic.[1] Rugg has been nominated for several Emmys, and has received three. He lives up the coast from Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. He began his career with Mad Movies with an LA Connection (Various) in 1985. One Saturday Morning (Manny The Uncanny) is his DTVA debut and he appeared in Buzz Lightyear of Star Command (Ed The Courier/Cosmo), American Dragon Jake Long (Professor Rottwood), and The 7D (Lord Starchbottom). Dragons: Riders of Berk (Savage) is his most recent credit. He has 29 acting credits, 15 writing credits, five other credits, and four self credits to his resume. So then the family runs out and despite being about 100 feet tall; the babyfaces sell panic; and then they love the cat; calling him cute. Chuckles is not amused as Dave wants to get some catnip; which prompts Chuckles to squash Dave flatter than Alexander The Grape. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kajabbers (#3 of the episode) indeed; Dave! I wish the narrator had said that; but of course, these writers think kids are morons so he is silent. So Lula comes out with hair curlers (and you thought Webby with curlers was wacky?) asking for asnwers to this outrage; and Fang basically explains it all. Lula just stands there and doesn't care. Yeap; these characters suck as Chuckles licks himself as a tabby cat who look like Garfield now. Then out of nowhere; we discover Fappy has returned while the narrator tries to convince us that he never left and this was an awesome plan. Like I am taking that seriously?! Fappy flies in front of Chuckles; so Chuckles MURDERS him with one swipe causing Fappy to whiplash across a flagpole with a blue flag. Note that the babyfaces are doing nothing at all other than Fappy despite having a sword lock and loaded on the ready.
So Fappy flies up to him; and as Chuckles is cutting this awesome promo; Fappy flies into Chuckles mouth causing Chuckles to swallow him; and is surprised at how easy this was. Then suddenly; the babyfaces panic and horrified by this moment even though they had a "SHARP IMPLEMENT" on retainer for this fight! So we cut to inside Chuckles' insides which are completely purple in color as Fappy drops down to inside his stomach. He grabs the grape and I should note that before Chuckles cut the promo which led to Fappy flying into his mouth: Fappy ripped off some fur from Chuckles' kitten body. So Fappy puts some fur on the grape and throws the grape right on the lump of the throat where you gag; like it was a hairball. Chuckles misses stomping on the babyfaces and is about to kill them; but then starts gagging for a while. So then the babyfaces bail stage left thinking that he was about to throw up (empty stomach mind you); and he spits out the grape and it goes flying into the sky and out of sight. Chuckles proclaims that this is a problem and he transforms back into an midget pig heel. The babyfaces do the most unconvincing mourning of a friend ever; and then we see Flappy is struggling in Chuckles' stomach causing Chuckles to sell pain before getting his mouth forced open. Fappy comes out and hugs Dave for real; which looks less convincing than the reunion of Zipper and Monty; which is what this episode was shooting for. So Candy, Oswidge and Fang surround Chuckles as Chuckles wants to do some diplomacy talks; but they tackle him and we get the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUDDUST FIGHT OF DEATH; which is more like squashing a pig. So yes; a three on one attack with the babyfaces being the three. So we head to an icy area as Glimia and Throktar run in stage left with axes and hit ice off screen and then they run away stage right as the ICE MONSTER OF DEATH (who is more generic than the Z-Grade Berry Monster from Fanboy & Chum Chum) is proclaiming that he'll freeze the entire world and only the grape can stop him. So the magical grape bops off his nose; ice monster sezs damn it in roundabout terms, and melts.
Yes; a magical grape killed an ice monster. That makes absolutely no sense AT ALL! What a wimpy heel this monster is?! So Throktar admits that Glimia won the bet which is that the kids would deliver the grape back; so she is owed a book. I would have loved to know what Glimia would have to fork over if Throktar won the bet somehow. However; we'll never know as we head back to the castle AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we get the ending to this episode: Fappy is at the table with a knife, fork and a bib sitting down in a chair. Dave comes in with a platter under a metal dome apologizing for acting like a jackass throughout this episode. I would apologize for acting LAZY and doing nothing when Chuckles transformed the first time since there were FOUR babyfaces against one heel; and then show THREE babyfaces murdering Chuckles after Fappy saves the day. Idiots! So Dave puts the platter down and opens it to reveal Chuckles The Silly Piggy tied up with an apple stuck in his mouth with lettuce leafs and a spring of mint on the right ear. Yes folks; they buried Chuckles in less than five minutes! Lovely! Now Chuckles is just another comedy villain which we have way too many of those even in Disney already. At least with Don Karnage; he was buried as a serious heel almost 60 episodes later by Aunt Louise. That burial was funny and I could forgive Libby Hinson for writing that. Even when the faces won; they won by the skin of their teeth and the heel got away, thus even though the heel was defeated; he was not humbled, and therefore was already a serious threat. Heck; even the burial in Ransom of the Red Chimp wasn't a complete humbling because Aunt Louise was a one shot character. Not here! You buried the #1 heel in the third episode of the series and it wasn't funny. Plus; Chuckles didn't escape and he got murdered 3-on-1. He wasn't just humbled, he was squashed like a jobber. Even worse: Chuckles spits the apple and threatens that he'll kill via the fact that he is high in cholesterol as Fappy is giddy. Okay; I can accept this....
Then Dave butts in and speaks directly at the hard camera to tell them that Fappy is not going to eat him and it was a merry jest. He waves goodbye and tells us to drive safely despite the fact that 99% of the audience is 6-12 and thus doesn't have a license to ride a bicycle; let alone drive a car. Fappy is shocked and that ends the episode at 10:26. In other words; the writers have basically rendered Dave as a complete idiot who cannot accept the fact that they buried their #1 heel in the first appearance; and now they have to let Chuckles go in order to have him as a recurring heel?! Again; BS&P my ass! Book a different ending then! Better yet; now that Fappy knows it's Oswidge; Fappy should be kicking Oswidge's ass for eating the ham he earned...TWICE! I never thought I would see a worse use of the "disrespect the pet dog babyface" storyline after seeing Zipper Come Home; but this show managed. 3/4* (15%). No, Chuckles cannot save this show if he gets buried in his first appearance. Again; why did this show get canceled after one season? Answer: Because the public knows the difference between lame stupidity and horrible stupidity.
Lula's First Barbarian: We begin this one in The Great Outdoor Marketplace as we bring this place for the third straight time in the series (out of FOUR episodes mind you!) as the babyfaces are hanging out while Fang is spearing french bread for fun. Dave runs in all giddy about the latest thing he bought as he claims that this thing lets him hear music anywhere he goes. We pan over and it's a human ministrial who is basically the human version of the ministrial from Teddy Ruxpin. Can we hear a song about the secret to making this show stop sucking?! Dave calls this a Walk Ministrial which is absolutely stupid because the ministrial is F'N human and not a machine. So Dave effectively dehumanized this poor fellow; and he's the #1 babyface. Also of note: The sign above them I cannot completely read; but the top sezs Melon's, the middle sezs defective and the bottom sezs and notions. Someone is realizing that this show is bad and not in a amusing way. So the poor guy sings and his sings makes the ministrial from Teddy sound like Phil Baron in comparison. Sadly; this is clearly on purpose because Fang walks in and points to the lute saying that she found the volume control. So she grabs the lute and smashes it on the ground prompting Dave to yell Kajabbers barely thirty seconds in. That was funny. Even funnier; as she is smashing this lute there is a jackhammered background of green with notes on it which flashes everytime the lute makes contact with the ground. That made me laugh even harder. Then Lula proclaims that she sees something and Dave gets all parnoid about spiders and burning stuff on his body. Yes; Lula is such a cocky prick (well; she is a sword, so it works as a joke) that Dave is still selling it like she is playing jokes on him even though Lula is clearly NOT pranking Dave. Lula is looking at a barber cutting the hair of a blond dude who look like a cross between Link from Legend of Zelda and Richard Simmons. Lula calls him Argon as Argon is checking his teeth. He picks out a bone as Lula explains that Argon once owned Lula and was the love of her life as Candy has that look of "yeah, get real Lula".
Candy points out that he cannot be Lula's first owner because she is 16,000 years old; which causes Lula to blow her off while emmitting Wii blue sparks from her sword indicating that she is going to fry her to a crisp if she brings it up again. Kajabbers! Oh great; now I'm sounding like Dave. That's horrifying. Candy backs off and did I mention that Fang is showing off a trading card of Argon The Ageless looking vainer than Drake Mallard on a vanity project looking himself in the pocket mirror on top of a dead green dragon with X eyes? Lula claims that they were together like mayo and more mayo. The babyfaces all cringe and Lula blows them off because she likes mayo. This needs more Miracle Whip! Argon walks towards them as Lula is so giddy for this that she asks Dave to check her mouth; and Dave claims that it's all clear. Lula blows him off for that and then sezs nose nugget left barrel which Dave panics and runs away stage right leaving Lula in the holder as she apparently can move on her own. Oh; I now see why Argon abandoned Lula and Dave became her owner: She's an asshole and Dave is an idiot. What a bad combination this is?! So we meet and Argon is already appearing like he doesn't want to talk to her as he is fumbling over who Lula is. Lula of course claims that she thinks about him every minute of every day. What a liar?! So apparently; there was this tragedy between the two; so we hit the flashback to wintertime as Argon creates a snowman and ponders over what to give it for a nose; and then he sticks Lula's hilt into the snowman's face; cuts a wacky promo and then just walks out abandoning Lula right there. And after seeing three episodes of this show; I have no sympathy for Lula the sword because she is a jerk who had this coming. Argon should have never met with her in the first place because this relationship was doomed from day one. So then we directly lift from Spongebob Squarepants on the "time elapsed" spot and it's NOT funny. Jeff Bennett cannot match the Spongebob Narrator no matter how hard he tries. This joke goes on forever as Lula just doesn't get it AT ALL that he dumped her because she is a jerk.
We return to reality (ah, who cares anymore?) as Lula is in love again with the heat of a hundred suns; while Argon has literally the heat of no suns. Thank you narrator for telling us that we should stop giving a crap about Argon too. Can you really blame Argon for dumping Lula? Argon eats some raisin off his tunic as Lula is still trying to charm him back to her; and Argon is clearly not caring about this asshole of a sword who talks. And then we discover that Duke's banana yellow sword came to life and is behind Argon's back as it zaps Argon with it's eyes. Oh wonderful; Argon is almost as dumb as Dave is. Almost. So Judy is basically Lula; only with less heat and a less dumb companion. Neither one appears likable on the surface; and Judy looks more feminine than Lula does. Argon's introduction is so contrived that he basically runs off stage right before he can finish introductions. Judy then comes back and basically tells Lula to buzz off because Argon loves Judy now and then leaves. Lula cannot believe this; which I respond: I can. Because...you guessed it. Dave returns asking Lula if his nose is clear; so Lula screams no in his kisser and this is what this episode needs: More windbags! Dave feels offended and I don't blame him. I said this about Kick when it comes to Billy Stumps; and the same applies to Lula: Give up on Argon! You are a prick and an asshole. The only reason you have not been dumped by Dave is because Dave is a bigger idiot than your ex-boyfriend is. Take the hint already; he doesn't even want the time of day with ye. So let scene change to the castle before I get even more pissed off than I already was when Chuckles got buried in his first appearance! So we cut to the living room as Candy is reading, Fang is scratching Fappy's belly; which Fappy no sells, and Dave is having to watch Lula bawl her eyes out to around 0.7 Crying 1950's Daisy Ducks. Fang rightfully blows her off for this insipid stupidity. She deserves better; which is a lie as Candy is reading a magazine that I don't care about.
Lula continues to bawl proclaiming that she cannot live without Argon; showing that she has realized that she is an asshole that needs a personality transplant; which should be hard with a sword. I should note that Candy called Judy a cheap sword; which is a lie. She's only 75% asshole instead of 100% asshole like Lula is. Then Dave apparently grows a brain and asks the question he should have asked at the beginning of this episode: What is wrong with me? Lula blows him off and has a list of reasons why she should forsake Dave which includes him knitting a green sock and she basically blows him off for it. So Lula is the ancient Don West in TNA when he turned heel; she is pointing out how much this show sucks. Another incentive to NOT watch this show! By the way; Candy subscribes to Teen Barbarian Magazine; which everyone will get no matter what time period you were born in because kids love barbarians and adults love to mock dumb teenagers who act like barbarians a lot of the time. Candy then has a Krackpotkin plan and steals Lula from Dave telling her that she can win Argon back; if she respects her decisions. Lula sezs no; but Candy puts Lula in her purple hip belt and runs off downstairs. Lula refused to go along with this; but Candy forces her to come anyway. Lula is an adult sword; so Candy completely disrespected her automony as a sword who can talk and walk. This makes Candy into a bigger asshole than Lula is! Lovely! So we get a long sequence of Candy going down into the bowels of the castle which is less hellish than outside the castle or above the bowels of the castle. That's not a good sign. So torch gets used, trapdoors galore and double seat rides backwards spot into darkness. Candy brings out the WCW KEY OF DOOM and unlocks the purple lock of doom as the room lights up to reveal....A princess chamber which Candy calls the "Princess Chamber Of Peace". Yeah; It's her F'N room you idiot! He has a stuff orange kitten in the center of the room; but otherwise, it looks like a regular castle room for the princess.
Candy explains that this used to be the royal crypt before she redecorated it. Yes folks; she completely defaced the underground burial site! Oh my god; this sucks! Then Candy sezs that no one knows about this place. Guess what happens: A toilet is flushed and out of the fuzzy pink door comes Oswidge apologizing about the upstairs one being broken. He then sits on the chair Candy was sitting on and rides out stage right. Not only was the burial site defaced by Candy; now the burial site is literally getting crapped on (by Oswidge)! Explain to me why this is funny?! I betcha most kids could not; and certainly not in a way that would make it funny. Candy has her hands on her hip; teasing being angry...and then stops selling and goes on about doing girly things together with a talking sword. Lula blows her off because she has no hair and no toenails. But she does have a large prick since she is a SHARP IMPLEMENT~! So Candy brings out the TEEN MAGAZINE OF DEATH and opens it to show Lula an article called How To Bag Your Manly Boy Beefcake; or something along those lines. This implies that Lula should act like a cave man; which would actually be funny in hindsight. I could so see Molly Cunningham clubbing Kit in the head and dragging him away. Or not. So Lula looks with Candy as we go to the sky shot and the narrator coughing over them; indicating that this is a stupid idea. So we head into the forest as Candy puts lipstick on Lula's lips and powders her while a moose has Lula by the sword blade because failed attempt #1 is to have Argon rescue her from the vicious animal who is not a vicious animal. Candy then counts money while Lula questions this stupid idea. I'm certainly questioning this...show in general; so join the club! Candy gives the moose the money and the moose grabs her by the hoof as we discover that the moose is a talking moose. So yes; think Bullwinkle if he could talk without stammering and was a real moose instead of an anthro.
So the moose puts Lula in his mouth again and does the most unconvincing attempt at being a scary monster I have ever seen. This at least works here because I cannot take this moose seriously as a threat; and the writers at least aren't making him into a serious monster otherwise. Argon happens to be passing away and he looks stunned as a bunch of tourists arrive (in dark ages gear that looks like it came from The Flintstones natch) to pose in front of the moose with a sword; which is to be honest, worth a chuckle. So Argon gets to paint their picture too. Awwwww! That is so sweet of him to do it. Argon is making Dave look like the dumbest barbarian in history; which is heavy competition in the world of barbarism, let me tell ya. Lula is not amused; and we scene change to failed attempt #2 which is to bring out a net. Argon walks in as Candy and Lula hide in the bushes. They throw the net over Argon; and Argon struggles. Then three different sized woman (I'll give this show this; they do have diversity in body types, so I'm fine with it) run in; grab Argon and leave. Now THAT is funny! Lula gives Candy eye contact violence which means that Lula is a cross between Hoppo, Rhinokey and Croc. Not exactly a good combo. So we scene change back to the castle BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) although Lula couldn't care less if it was HAPPY HOUR~! So we head inside as Dave is polishing Lula with a cloth and a bucket of soapy water (what does it say on the bucket though? I cannot tell from this shot) as Fang is watching a mouse hole for no reason that doesn't involve trying to invoke violence on said mouse. Oh wait; she's poking the mouse hole with a spear, so it has to be violence on mice. Lula is whining still about Argon as Dave tells everyone to calm down; and then Argon just walks in with flowers and gifts. Lula sells this as if Argon loves her again. Did those girls who dragged Argon away destroyed his IQ level? Does he have to stoop to Dave's level now?
Fang gets in his face threatening to pound his face in; which to me, make her a bigger asshole than Lula. Why must every character in this show be unlikable or when they are likable...buried? Please e-mail me the study (a science study; not a focus group for obvious reasons) which shows that kids love unlikable characters. I need to read this to see how any study could come to that conclusion. Now Argon claims that he has finally seen the light and wants to apologize for abandoning her. This is so not working because Argon gets her name wrong and calls her Yournogai which is a more difficult name to spell and say than Lula. Lula doesn't care because Argon is back; but it's clear Argon still doesn't give a crap about her (for obvious reasons); and his routine is so contrived that Fang looks like the smartest person in the room. So Lula zaps Fang in the ass with the Wii bolt of doom and she goes flying into the ceiling with a decent off-screen bump and I'm totally fine with that spot. Lula then kisses Argon on the lips, and I have now stop caring about this storyline and it's time to mercy kill this episode now. Lula then plops into the blade protector of Argon's back and proclaims that she is quitting on Dave! Yeah; the dumb barbarian who at least can be amusing despite having the big turnoff of liking stuff that kids HATE, gets dumped by the asshole sword; making Lula look even MORE unlikable than before. So he and Lula walk out of the castle as the sun is slowly setting; while Dave is so loving this moment, for once I wish I could, but I can't. Sorry Dave; you might be the dumbest babyface around; but at least you are trying to make me care about this moment. You failed. Fang of course blows him off and calls Argon a weenie. Argon is no weenie; he's a dishonest dense idiot. So then we scene change to a river where Argon is rowing his boat with Lula as the oar. Oh yeah; this is so going to be a good relationship...NOT! Lula gets a fish in her mouth for fun. Then we use the sword to play pinata (Where is Oklahoma when we most need him?) while Argon is completely cheating because he has NO blindfold on.
Argon throws the sword into a tree; and then jumps down to grab the goodies. The little kids run in (who look like Fang clones); but he growls at them and bails. So we head to the wood AFTER HAPPY HOUR as Argon is cozied up to the fire with Lula as Argon uses her to roast marshmellows; which did make me giggle. Lula oversells burning on cue which is funny as we head back to the Outdoor Marketplace of doom for the second time in this episode alone as Dave is panicky and covering himself with a purple cloth. The narrator tells us that Dave feels naked without Lula; to which Fang rips the cloth from Dave and orders him to stop acting like he is naked. Okay; fine. So they go into the house as the babyfaces are talking to the green skinned fortune teller clerk of doom asking about an enchanted sword. I give 2:1 odds that the sword is Judy; which would mean that the finish will basically be the same finish The Simpsons did when Homer and Bart decided to foresake each other with Homer getting a new kid and Bart getting a new dad; ending with both dads fighting each other in a spot that Seth would later steal for Peter against Ernie The Giant Chicken. Sadly; I am wrong because the fortune goes up the ladder and comes back with an enchanted "sword" named Lala who is apparently a male... toothbrush. A giant green toothbrush; which Fang points out that it is not a enchanted sword; but a toothbrush. Lala proclaims that he has a war on cravites; which means that he is basically Dave if he were reincarnated into a toothbrush. Except Lala has not become a coward...yet. So yes Lala brushes Dave's teeth and Dave oversells and is out of the market as the other faces leave. The fortune teller asks if theyn would like a magical orange cheese bagel; but no one cares. So we get more brushing from Lala and this might be the most entertaining spot involving Dave the Barbarian in this series. Not saying much mind you; but still. So then Judy shows up with a toothless hick like barbarian who is probably a bigger weenie than Argon ever was. Candy mocks Judy; so Judy claims that Argon traded her for a potato.
Now the guise of this is this: Argon is a love it or leave it type person in that he will leave it when the thing he loves is useless to him. In other words; Judy is pointing out that Argon is going to turn heel on her and dump her again. I would have sympathy for Lula; if she wasn't such an unlikable sword; and/or Judy wasn't as unlikable as Lula! Because this would mean; Argon has some sense in his brain to not take crap from a bunch of swords who think they are all high and mighty. Dave is still entertaining me with Lala the toothbrush as Oswidge has a Krackpotkin plan to show that Argon is a "jerk"; which is funny because Argon already knows who the real jerk is and it's not him! Dave finally stops with the brush stuff and his tongue wraps his face like the mummy. There's the best spot of the episode right there; and it's all downhill from there. So we head back to Argon's tent (which at least shows Argon has good taste) as Dave is dressed up wearing a brown shirt and red shorts. I have no idea the writers were shooting for here; because it's not funny. The mustache doesn't help either when Dave's hair has not aged with the mustache. DUMB! Dave has a clipboard and a golden giftbox as apparently; Argon's real name is Argon Ageless. Now THAT a funny booking name. Argon pops his head from the tent and demands to know where the parcel came from and Dave claims that it was from the queen. Ummm; the queen of this land is currently Candy since Gilmia is slaying evil with her beloved. So Dave sezs Queen...Land; and that's enough for Argon to take the package. Argon opens the package and it's another female sword. Yeah. Lula is propped against a stool (NOT THAT ONE!) asking if he is thinking twice about dumping Lula; and Argon proclaims that he doesn't have to think twice because she's hot. So the babyfaces run in and call Argon out on this; and you would think that Lula would take the hint that Argon was going to turn on her and kick his ass. WRONG!
Lula denies all this claiming that Argon will love him forever; which Argon blows off; and the sword turns into Oswidge (which is ultra creepy visual to say the least); and blows off his sweaty palms. This outrage Lula as she gets the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS. This implies that she was not mad at Argon for turning on her; it was because Argon has sweaty palms. Please end this crap now! So Dave hides underneath the smallest table he could find as Lula channels Gizmoduck. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! Argon mocks her because he is unarmed; so they throws Lala the enchanted toothbrush and Argon uses Lala. Lala is still at war against tooth decay and Lala brushes the mouth of Argon causing him to run away; never to be seen again. Yeah. In other words; Lula never got her revenge on him for making her look like a fool, as Lala brushes his inverted ass...aka mouth. So Lula feels awful about being taken in by Argon good looks; which means that she has the same "easy to fool" trait Clamantha has; only it's not with laptops. Dave of course is too honest to say no outright and Lula blows him off because it's easier to eat tin foil; then to deal with Dave. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So they have eyes for each other and Dave welcomes her back because Dave is stupid. Accented nicely by Lula playing the same prank on Dave and Dave running away like a coward. Yeah; she likes to be a jerk, what a shock?! Now they circle fade out; and I thought: "Oh goody; the episode is over". WRONG! We now go backstage with Lula and Dave in chairs cutting a PSA on brushing your teeth. WHAT THE HELL? Are they channeling the Teddy Ruxpin live action segments from the late 1980's? To be fair; seeing Dave show a picture of goblins inside a kid's mouth (with Dave claiming that they play polka music in said mouth) was in fact funny on a level of parody; but, didn't you idiots learn your lesson about PSA's in cartoons? No one cares about them; not even kids! Get over yourselves and run the damn credits already! Lula screams at them to stay in school; and circle fade out to end the episode at 10:20 approx. What a clustermuck this episode was?! This was simply one awful spot after another; with a few funny moments in between that ends in a PSA parody that was semi-funny; but no one cared. Call this * (20%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Normally; I would have a lot to say about a crappy episode, but it's clear from day one that this is supposed to be a lame parody. The problem is; the writers still have to make the characters likable so the parody is tolerable enough to make us care which gives us incentive to watch the show. Darkwing Duck; for all of Drake's faults and there are many, he is still likable enough. So was Lucky in the crappy 101 Dalimatians the Series. Heck; once the writers of Recess stopped giving the FCC the middle finger, they got better. All I have seen in the four episodes of this series is nearly every character is unlikable: Dave is a coward/idiot, Fang is a complete psychopath (who actually is the best babyface of the show; if you can call her as such), Candy is a careless diva, Oswidge is creepy/fat/repulsive, Lula is a total assholish prick of a sword and Fappy is Zipper. The heels are actually fine; but Argon is dense and Chuckles was actually the best character in the series; but gets buried in the five minutes of screen time he was given. How can kids take Chuckles seriously as a threatening heel? I get that this is comedy; but Chuckles at least was a threat as a heel. Now he's simply a comedy dork; who is funny, but I want more than that. Why? Because everything else sucks! And the wholesale dead ringing of Nickelodeon is a tell-tale sign that whomever green lit this thought they could cross the Flintstones with Hanna Barbera 1960's/1970's/Hagar The Horrible stuff. Maybe they can; but with this lack of talent to pull it off; they were better off not bothering. Now I hate Lula more than ever before; I couldn't care less about Fappy who were the focal point of their episodes. I cared more about Argon (who was the heel; but didn't act like one until the finish which by that time, Lula was so stupid as a babyface) and the enchanted toothbrush Lala when he provided the most entertaining spot of the episode. I came into this rant thinking that these two episodes would wipe the floor with the Mighty Ducks with ease and thus win this week's challenge. Instead; Dave is even worse off than before and Mighty Ducks wins for the second straight week. This has to change quickly and soon; or my previous opinion of Dave before I stopped hating it would have justified all along. We'll deal with half hour segment #3 next time since that is the debut of the Rivers clan in this show. So....
Thumbs down for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.