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Dave The Barbarian: Beef!/Rite Of Pillage
Reviewed: 08/01/2014
The Rite To Beef Is Pillaging Dave's Future Of Being Human!
Time for the Natal Day Weekend Marathon kiddies! I have to do five half hour segments of Dave The Barbarian this weekend. YAY! Oh wait; I mean...damn. Anyhow; we have two shorts today as Candy seeks the powers of Larson & Gary to get the men; while Dave has to perform a rite of passage in order to not disgrace the family. One is a horrible idea; and the other one is even more so. However; I'm one of those people who watches the shows instead of reading summaries, so let's rant on shall we...?!
Beef! is written and story edited by Brian Palermo. Rite of Pillage is written and story edited by Evan Gore and Heather Lombard. Brian according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): He has appeared in a number of television shows, commercials and movies. He is also a writer whose credits include Warner Brothers' Histeria!, Disney's Dave The Barbarian and Disney's The Weekenders. His film credits include The Social Network, My Life In Ruins, Daddy Day Care and Big Momma's House among others. Television credits include Entourage, Friends, Gary, Unmarried, 90210, Zeke and Luther, The Middle, State of Georgia, Will and Grace, Digimon Data Squad, Malcolm In The Middle and many others.[1] Palermo has appeared numerous times on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, mostly in sketches within the show, though in April 2011 he started doing 'correspondent' pieces. These are introduced live by Palermo and Jay Leno. Palermo has also appeared as a recurring character on Tyler Perry's House of Payne as Phil who adopts a fake French accent and persona as "Phillipe." Palermo is a member of the improvisational and sketch comedy group called "The Groundlings" based in Hollywood, California.[2] He both performs and teaches with this company. He has performed alongside many well-known comedians such as Will Ferrell, Eddie Izzard and Harland Williams. Palermo was born and raised in New Orleans, Louisiana. He attended St. Clement of Rome elementary school, Archbishop Rummel High School and the University of New Orleans. He earned a B.A. in Communications. Palermo won the 1988 "Big Easy" award for Best Actor for his role as "Teach" in David Mamet's "American Buffalo." He began his career in Hollywood Dreams as Larry in 1994. The Weekenders is his DTVA debut as a writer. The League (Taco Truck Customer), We Need Help (Kevin Palermo), Modern Family (Dryden's Dad), and 2 Broke Girls (Pilot Bill) among others are his most recent credits. He has 95 acting credits, four writing credits (Histeria! and Dinner Conversation), and nine Self credits to his resume. The episodes were animated by SOB Animation Group; which makes it their debut on this show.
Opening Moment #1: Castle Crumble Shot Of The Day: The entire crew of this show which composes of grip, director, camera man, and a runner. Yeah; only four guys. Whatever, let's move on.
Beef!: We begin this one and things get promptly weird: We basically get a cross between Yoshi's Island and Paper Mario in a meadow complete with sunflowers and cheese raining down. Apparently; this land is called Pickle Land; and we see coming from the right: a rhino who is dressing and acting like a train complete with a shovel. Oh; and everyone has eyes and mouth, so I'm guessing that this is a rib on Dora The Explorer; thus proving that this is Disney's answer to TNA. Of course; the narrator stops and proclaims: "Who wrote this?!". I did a drop of this; and someone needs to say "crap" after it too. So we jump cut to Flappy typing on the typewriter. Well; with the exception of the space bar; you really don't need thumbs, so I guess this makes sense. Flappy eats the paper; and the narrator comes off as the lowest rent Dave Seville. So we jump cut to a shot of Candy not looking amused while only her head and shoulders are shown. She brings out her arms and she's shopping for sandals at the Great Indoor Marketplace. By the way; this is episode #7 on the animation paper, and this is I think the fifth time they have gone shopping at this mall! Fang is not happy because she compares shoe shopping to going to the dentist; only with less drool. Unless you are Candy because she drools right on camera. Then in comes a cheese haired dude wearing a blue tunic waving to the crowd as Candy is swooning. He's known as Goulder The Hot, who is supposed to be the cutiest teenager in Udrogoth. Yeah; it's wrong to call him a hottie (which is allowed in The Emperor's New Skool; for those who are keeping track here), but it's perfectly all right to say that he's hot as long as it's his title. Goulder walks around and simply leaves stage left as Candy waves hello to him to get his attention. Then the music stops suddenly; and Candy is shocked and appalled because he didn't notice her. Geez; I wonder why Candy was snubbed...?
And then we see Bicepia The Warrior Woman according to Fang; which is so important that she swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (Holy Doggie Butters! Wow; that is as close as Holy S**t as you are going to get in Disney.) as she is wearing all purple whose biceps are much bigger than her thighs (they look like matchsticks); and she also has the most unbelievable Hartman hips ever conceded. Goulder literally has red hearts coming out of him as Candy protests this outrage. Why not just throw him in prison for dissing you Candy? I know what you all going to say, in that this would turn her heel. Yes; it would. However; she's already unlikable, so at least I can boo her as a heel; and she would get heel heat as a result. She has no heat as a babyface. Candy complains asking what Bicepia has that Candy does not. Besides the Larson & Gary-equse muscles; I would say: likability and heat as a babyface. So we head back to the castle as Fang is hanging a poster on the wall on her own; meaning that she needs a wooden stool to hang it up despite Dave being tall enough to do it with said stool. Anyhow; the poster shows Bicepia doing the ankle lock on a large, green three eyed troll which looked cool, but the background negates the effect quite a bit. Dave thinks that she is impressive; but asks if she can knit; which Dave proceeds to knit green yarn out of nowhere. Lula proclaims that she'll mark her words until the day she dies that this will end in sorrow. Why not just leave Lula? You are taking advantage of someone who is way more dumber than Argon. You act like a heel in this setup. Candy calls herself a shrimp and when she shows her bicep: it shows an image of a daisy just drooping. Yeah. So Oswidge offers to use magic to solve this problem; which Candy blows off because he's a useless load who will turn her head into a turkey/vulture as shown in the opening. So Fang drags her off towards a stone building which the narrator calls a place of extreme pain and suffering; which we zoom out to see the sign "Ye Old Gym". Yeah; whatever. So we cut to a muscle blond man with large biceps, Hartman hips (yeah; even men get those too); and a lot of Gedo fashion sense.
He wants Candy to start pumping up as he tells her to lie down face up on the bench while he drops a boulder on her. If she can move it; she'll be stronger and then flexes and does a yell. Geez; might as well call him Rob "Gedo" Terry then. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The boulder is bigger than even Gedo Terry by the way. Candy wants to start with something more suriviable; which I boo at her for doing so. So Gedo Terry wants to do leg extensions; as she'll be tied down to the bench by the legs and the chain will be attached to a boar who has tusks and is foaming at the mouth to indicate that he is rabid. That gives new meaning to the phrase: toxic manliness. So Candy is not liking this at all and I boo at her as Gedo wants her to now work with the Abominiables; which Candy corrects him for his improper use of antomony. However; Gedo wants her to go inside a steel cage with two Yetis with clubs. Now THAT would be funny to see; but of course Candy doesn't like it one bit and Fang blows her off saying what is more important: your life, or your body? You have to be an obtuse psychopath to ask such an obvious question. So we scene change to the dining room with Oswidge eating food like a pig. Candy and Fang have the Gruffi pose on full blast as they aren't blowing him off for his disgusting eating skills; but they want his magic. So Oswidge gives her a sack containing a magic carrot. Candy takes carrot out of the bag and eats it. Candy grows the biggest eyes you will ever see and blows off Oswidge for being an idiot. Oswidge gets off the educational line of the episode; and then gives her a sack containing magical brocolli. And it just occured to me: If the storyline is what I think it is going to be; then they are advocating that eating veggies is so awful that it turns you into a bigger moron that you really are. I wonder if it was originally a magic cupcake; and BS&P said no because then kids will think cupcakes will grow them muscle instead of fat and than get overweight and die of diseases or something. Which is believable...
...however, this is a case of "head I win, tails you lose" to the audience because if she had ate the cupcake; then the message would be that junk food makes you stupid. I don't think it's true from a science standpoint; but it's a million times more believable and a lot less horrible than eating magical broccoli; something children hate anyway. So Fang taunts her to eat it; and Candy blows her off because her eyes are as big as dogs; which is an outright lie. She eats the broccoli and after six or seven transformation that I don't care about; including a snake, she looks like Bicepia; which means Oswidge is Larson & Gary's father! Why doesn't that surprise me? So Candy is happy and sounds like a dummy; because she is now a steroid induced dummy now. So we scene change to the GIM for the second time in this episode alone as Candy waves hello to the denizens and they all wave back; indicating that they are noticing her, and liking her. However; Bicepia is at the place and still attracting the bigger crowd as Candy is now hiding behind some bushes with Fang. She eats more magic broccoli and after five more changes; she gets bigger and sounds more stupider. See; the message here is "more brawn, less brains"; which is somewhat accurate. Fang loves it as she sezs: Holy Country Style Potato Salad; which is a really contrived dubbed anime style swear, and yet I still laughed at it. Candy then proclaims that Candy is a wimpy name; so she is now called "The Can" and walks off. She is so dumb now that she is now coming up with wimpy nicknames that are wimpier than her real name. Even Fang is second guessing this; which shows how lame and dumb that nickname is. So Candy comes in and calls out Bicepia and Bicepia accepts her challenge as Candy calls herself stronger than an ox. So then we see a lime green ox eating hay out of nowhere; and Candy calls it out. Candy rushes in; and we get the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUD DUST FIGHT OF DOOM as she hogties an ox and punts him away. Bicepia proclaims that Candy won and bails as Candy flexes; and in a surprise, her legs are like stumps; but don't look like matchsticks; so I'm fine with this. One of the kids in the background dressed like Fred Flintstone and half of them are dressed up in 2000 gear. Whatever.
So Candy continues to talk like an idiot; which Goulder has to point out that it's her arm and not her hand. Candy doesn't care and she eats more broccoli; and turns into a human gorilla. Cue Larry Z Darwin promo. She bounces on her knuckles and legs; and everyone is scared off. Literally; her knuckles are dragging on the ground. So we head back to Udrogoth castle as Dave is knitting a big ass purple sweater for Candy at the table; as Dave admires his handiwork. Fang runs in to inform him that the sweater won't fit her now that she is bigger; so Dave proclaims that one of the horses will have to wear it now. This leads to the best thing on the episode: We head to the stables and see Twinkle the Marvel Horse wearing a red sweater talking to a brown horse with a green fur coat; cutting his always awesome promo. Twinkle might as well call himself "Twinkle Gunplay"; because he's the reason to watch the show. Fang is panicky about this because Candy keeps eating the stuff and growing bigger...and dumber. When even Fang think you are dumb; you are dumb. Oswidge claims that he warned her not to eat anymore of this stuff; prompting Fang to rightfully blow him off; since he didn't until now. Oswidge counters in kind as he asks where Candy is and Fang states that she's outside wrestling tree. So we logically head inside the forest with Candy uprooting trees and throwing them away. To Fang: If she was wrestling trees; she would be giving them bearhugs, suplexes and piledrivers. Maybe a side slam or power bomb if she's really pissed off. She then does an ankle lock on the tree and she declares this best three out of two. That was funny. So the babyfaces arrive and Fang has the Gruffi pose on; and then she tries to put Candy in a chinlock; and failing badly, DUH! Then she is thrown to the front and hanging from the neckline of Candy's shirt; as Candy shows off a banana yellow mirror and admires Fang as a necklace. Dave demands that Candy stop this nonsense as Candy turns around and then Dave admits that Fang does make a good necklace. HAHA! Fang blows him off for that as Dave recoils; and then brings out a green book as he wants her to read.
Problem is; she is a redneck idiot as she grabs Dave and squeezes him like a pimple because books make her head hurt while thinks is located. For a dumb person; she knows the defintions enough for me to understand what she is saying even if she isn't speaking in proper English. So Oswidge tries to get the sack containing the magic pineapple which reverses the process; implying that fruits make you weaker. That is absolute BS in my opinion. Anyhow; he cannot find it because Flappy eats it completely and spits out the leafy part. Oswidge blows him off because without said pineapple; Candy cannot be changed back. Of course; Fang confuses irreveserible with water proof. Is everyone on this show trying to be a joke machine? If so; why not just create a show called "The Joke Machines" and have robots who do nothing but spew jokes for 22 minutes. I betcha it gets 20 million viewers per episode and lasts ten years before everyone realizes how bush league this idea is and dies a horrible death. Lulu thankfully points out the obvious for us; and Candy blows them all off for not accepting her for who she is as she eats more magic broccoli and then walks out; as we hit the montage as she lurches in and kills anything and everything that is nailed down or not nailed down. She pounds on a tower which contains a man in a bathtub washing himself. Now Goulder has joined us as Fang demands that he try to calm her down; instead of brow-beating her like Dave did earlier. Goulder is not happy to be doing this; but since Candy likes him...allegedly...and then he proclaims that he is here to inform Candy that the picnic date is canceled because the sun broke. Candy looks at the sun and then sobs because she got dumped by Goulder; and she cries for help from the tiny people. Way to go Goulder; way to make yourself look like a "babyface" there. Oswidge states that there is only one hope for them; and that is to seek out the master of evolution. Yes; Charles Darwin lives in the Dark Ages! This doesn't offend me nearly as much as Bubba's Big Brainstorm because it's clear now that this is supposed to be like Hagar the Horrible (modern/old clashes).
What actually offends me is that they show a map of Europe (which looks like every place is in the Arizona desert) as they show the path they took; and then the narrator proclaims that this is stupid because the palace of evolution is right next door to them. And then the next scene shows the palace of evolution on the wooden sign in red letters; which looks like a castle with purple glass dome windows. That looks good; but the place is about 200 feet away from the front doors of the castle; where we have seen the castle time and time again. What I mean is: We NEVER saw this palace until the storyline required it. You couldn't put this in the Great Indoor Marketplace somewhere? That offended me; and then we notice the babyfaces looking confused as Fang proclaims that she never noticed this place before. Of course you didn't; the storyline magically puts it there for no reason whatsoever. So we enter the palace of evolution as Dave hears a booming male voice telling them to enter; and Dave runs out like a coward. The king of evolution (who also has big arms and wears a blue tonga with big ass sized gold cufflinks and a crown on his head); welcomes them inside; telling them not to be scared. Which Lula has to rub it in that he doesn't know Dave. Well; she doesn't know Super Dave Osborne either; so she can go away. The king asks how he can help them and Dave states that her sister is devolved; which the king notices right away. By the way; this is the first time in storyline that someone actually calls Fang a monkey and she blows off the king with her catchphrase: NOT A MONKEY! Me: THEN STOP DOING MONKEY....Oh wait; she really hasn't yet. Joke fails; I wimper off into the corner and jack off. So Dave points out that it's Candy as we see her completely under control. The king refuses because it took a billion years to get this far as Fang jumps onto the king's head and does the puppy face please spot while he does the Gruffi pose. That looks awkward; and the king finally agrees to do something because he cannot say no to a cute little monkey. Fang is pissed; tries to yell out her catchphrase again; but Oswidge covers her mouth and pulls her back. Yawn.
The king offers a halfway solution in that the babyfaces work on her brain; and he'll work on the body, which of course the babyfaces accept said deal like fools. Oh; and Fang completed her catchphrase because Oswidge is a useless load So we HIT THE MONTAGE as Candy is taught the art of education by fitting pegs into holes; by hammering Fang into the hole in the table with Dave as the hammer. That was funny on so many levels because Fang is the nail and Dave is a tool. She also crosses the river using Fang as a paddle, Dave as the canoe and the canoe as a helmet. Also funny. Sadly; the puppet show was not funny; it was lame and not in a good way because it's about colors and Candy don't care because she bounces on the floor; and despite being a stone floor, she goes right through it and freefalls into the basement, probably murdering a cat in the process. I know this because I heard a cat scream dubbed in during this freefall. I'm predicting the finish right now: She gets cured by a second magical pineapple which appears out of nowhere (or from Flappy's tummy). Actually; not quite, but it's close enough. So after Fang blows Dave's stupid puppet voice; we head back to the palace of evolution as the king proclaims that they blew it and he recinds on the deal. Everyone bites their fingernails in response; and when I say bite; I mean create a large amount of fingernail shavings. Including Flappy...So the narrator goes on and on about Candy not changing back at all; so Candy just grabs the king and threatens to murder him by turning him into a piniata. The king stammers and then changes his mind instantly. Yeah; he gets drops on his stomach, he chants a spell on Candy and Candy returns to normal. That is the finish everyone; just accept it. So Dave hugs Candy and squeezes her like a teddy bear. Awwwww! My heart melted. No, not really. Oswidge proclaims that the lesson of day is to be yourself and what's inside your heart and other organs matters. Candy agrees and proclaims that she'll never change herself again....with quackery. Because she is in the beauty salon on the next scene she's demanding a complete makeover; complete with beestings for puffy lips. Then we see a yeti doing her nails talking to her as he works part time at the gym; as the song of Dave plays in the background. That ends the episode at 10:26. This was just there; but not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. ** (40%).
Rite Of Pillage: We begin this one at Udrogoth castle as we head to a shot of a window as the narrator goes on and on about legendary tales; and this is not one of them even if it involves chickens. Which is fitting because we see Dave at the table naming his name in different ink feather pens; and loving this art of creativity. Yawn; whatever Dave. Why is there a banana and why is Dave wearing a red blanket over the back of his head and back? So Fang and Candy walk in with presents as they are not amused by Dave getting presents; which include living animals wrapped up; one of them is a gorilla fountain with a red ribbon on the forehead. Of course; we have to do the blinking eye sound because apparently it makes people laugh. Please find me the scientific study that claims that blinking eye sounds make people laugh; and again, focus groups are not allowed of course. More blinking eye sounds as Candy is pissed off because she never gets any presents. Which is funny considering that Dave never really got presents until this short as Candy grabs Dave's face and basically tells him that she is calling her parents. Why? To tell on them for Dave getting presents and she isn't? Why should we care? Besides; maybe Candy isn't getting presents because she's second to only Lula on the "unlikable babyface scale"?! So we head down to Oswidge's basement with the cauldron of communications as Oswidge has his magic wand ready to screw everyone in this thing at a moments' notice. Which the narrator calls the cauldron of mystic summoning; which means I win the booking name bet on this one. So Oswidge puts stuff in the cauldron's water and waves his wand summoning their parents. Candy blows this off and demands them show up; and then we get pale fire as Dave notices that his parents are chained up to the wall. I realize as the parents are talking that (a) I have completely forgotten who their names are despite this being their third appearance for rant purposes (in 12 episodes) and (b) they are the extreme low rent version of King Nogburt and Queen Lillabert in that they act as if everything is fine. This is NOTHING to them! I was disturbed! No, not really.
Anyhow; Queen Glimia explains that they are in a death trap trying to break free and this is a step in killing evil. Anyhow; Candy whines about Dave getting presents and orders King Throktar to tell Dave to quit getting them. Throktar informs her that he is getting present because he is about to perform the Rite Of Pillage; which of course, Dave mistakes it as a Rite Of Performing. Which I can fully understand since you have to perform a pillage and apparently; this involes tap dancing and a straw hat. That was cute; as Throktar explains that the Rite Of Pillage involves Dave ransacking a town and robbing the peasants bind in time to go home for cake. Dave cares about the cake part more than the pillage. See; this is how to be a barbarian; because you have to do something barbaric and vile. Apparently; if Dave fails the rite of pillage; his family will be disgraced for all enternity, but there is no pressure. I hate it when they say that because it's so dishonest to act like it's nothing, despite having the possible outcome being failure and disgracing the family. Furthermore; in order to not disgrace the family, he has to basically rob and destroy a hapless village and basically do barbaric thing. Yeah; honor before empathy! What a bunch of unlikable selfish assholes this family is? Because when the dungeon keeper is coming (which we never see); the parents wave goodbye; and then Oswidge, Fang and Candy leer at Dave like they hate him. Barbaric honor before empathy, indeed! Dave basically turns into sad heel in this setup; which doesn't work because he's a comedy dork who is also a coward. And he's not thrilled to do this at all, and really; who can blame him? So we scene change to the entrance to a cave; which has Roman column trim on the front; and the sign on top reads: Cavern of Ceremonies. So Fang drags Dave into the cave because he's a coward; and Dave screams as bats swoop down to scare him. Of course; the really horrible obstacle to overcome is a close up shot of a woman wearing a blue dress, glasses and has Rebecca's hairstyle. She is on the phone cutting off attempts at the babyfaces to get her attention by saying "uh-huh" over and over again.
So Candy tries to take some candy from the bowl; but the woman slaps the hand away and end the phone conversation with rubber hoses. So she demands to know why they are here and Fang points out that Dave has an appointment; so the woman gives out directions using stag references that even I as an adult cannot get. Basically it's stone floor spikes and stone ceiling spikes; which Dave is as confused as I am. Fang drags him away and we scene change to Fang and Dave sitting on wooden chairs and Dave appears to need the bathroom now. There seems to be a lot of discolored blood on the chairs for no reason as a man in a black hooded robe appears as he is the pillage master; also known as Dloria, which Dave thinks is a lame booking name. YAY! We agree on something. Oh wait; that's horrible. BOO! HISS! So Dloria goes into theatrics as he brings out a crystal ball saying that the tests will be great as Dave looks scared. So we try to behold; and of course the crystal ball doesn't work, so he has to shake it. We try again; and it still fails. Great; this pillage is going to be a unepic clustermuck now as Dloria bangs the crystal ball onto the desk and it is broken in places; but somehow, that was enough to show us a Z-grade cartoon. In the Dark Ages! So it's basically a prepper on what to expect in these assignments leading up to the Rite Of Pillage. We head to in front of a castle with a generic barbarian with a club which looks like a cartoon waving to us in B&W. He is called Golie and the club is ready to pound the villager into submission like a "good" barbarian "should". This is so contrived and forced as the villager flee in the most convoluted way possible; and there is jump cuts galore. If making it like a Z-Grade movie was what they were shooting for; for goodness sakes, the voices should be muffled. So Golie gets his scroll of paper from Dloria as he proclaims that if they had more people like him; there would be fewer peasants. Yeah; because offing your people is one sure fire way to make profits eh? So we get the dumb disclaimer of doom as they admit that three villagers were harmed in the making of the movie; which there were three of them on screen.
Yeah; they were harmed all right, their futures in the entertainment business were harmed. There is also a food commercial sponsor at the end; and no one cares. Dloria asks Dave; and Dave responds by saying that he has seen the face of evil. I need a drop of this too. So we jump cut to Fang and Dave walking out as Fang is angry because if Dave doesn't turn into a barbaric, vile human being; he disgraces the family. Don't these people realize that Fang is literally telling Dave to turn into a heel? Fang then proclaims that she'll train him; to which I reply: Of course! Dave of course hates it because it involves pain; which makes sense here because it's the pain of killing off his humanity. If I cared about Dave; I would feel sad for him, but he is also a coward. So Fang grabs him by the ankle and drags him away stage left. This basically exposes her as a woman version of Scrappy Doo with a hint of psychopathy. Worse; outside of "Twinkle Gunplay", she is the best babyface on the show! So we head outside the castle as Oswidge looks like a creepy old man, Candy is ready, Flappy doesn't care and Lula looks bored. Which is the only likable trait Lula has right now. So they get to play the innocent villagers; while Dave is the barbarian. Fang basically orders Dave to rob them blind and love doing it. Dave then apologizes for barbarians being so barbaric; prompting Fang to get on his chest to blow him off. And Fang is supposed to be the babyface here. So is Dave; but Dave is actually filling the role perfectly. So Dave then does the most contrived pretending of trying to pillage Udrogoth; and this was played for comedy, and I did not laugh at it at all. Lula calls him as scary as a quart of non-fat milk. You mean skim milk Lula! Personally; I think Lula has committed slander. Non-fat milk is much more scarier than Dave. Think of the Skim Milk dammit! So Dave yells in Flappy's face; and you can guess what happens next without me telling you. Because he's all head and no brains. Kajabbers #2 of the episode and he crumbles to dust with only the eyes showing. Yawn.
So then we hit the montage complete with banjo music as Dave is chasing chickens and then he is so scared of chickens that he runs off. I guess Legend of Zelda was the last game he played on his Game Guy before they were banned (which begs the question; how did Dave live through his implied tar & feathering? I guess they grease and spooned him.) and he decides to nail some chickens. Fang is not amused by this epic failure of stealing chickens. So we see him digging gold out of the CHEST OF DEMONS and placing it in two sacks. Fang yells at him to run; and Dave runs with the money; and then buries himself. This is something even Drake Mallard would not do; so I laughed. Fang comes in and stomps on Dave's shoulders threatening to give him a world of hurt if he disgraces the family and not be a psychopathic barbarian. Dave response is classic; he basically sezs and I'm paraphrasing here: Compared to what? Dave is actually being a good babyface for once; but it involved turning everyone into a heel to pull it off. So the chicken come back and peck him to death. That was great. So we scene change to the front of the castle as Dave is smiling (which I believe he is not Dave) as Dloria proclaims that it's the 16th hour of the 16th day of the 16th month of the 16th year. This would be fine; if there were 17 months in a year! STUPID! I should also note that the chicken basically peck Dave to death for about 36 hours basically. Even Dave noticed this; so you know it's stupid. I just wish he didn't snort while saying it as Dloria gets in his face to shut up; which means this is the real Dave. So Dloria proclaims that the rite of pillage begins now and takes out the gong and gongs Dave right in his face; causing him to wobble. It's not nearly as funny as the wobble handshake Baloo did to Mary Lamb. So the first test is the battle cry; and this shalt not end well as Dave does a battle cry on par with Fanboy's blitz move, only it's less funny and less wrong. Now; then we hear more of it; and we discover that Fang is in the backpack doing this stupid battle cry. Some teacher Fang is! She is actually worse than Dave; because she basically sabotages Dave in a Milli Villi spot. STUPID!
So Fang realizes she's screwed and bails. So Dloria orders Dave to do it again; and Dave does his Broadway song. Come to think about it; in this world, that would scare the crap out of anyone that they just throw their valuables at Dave and run off in fear. Sadly; Dloria gives Dave an F on the scroll anyway. So we see in the stands, the babyfaces with Gruffi pose leering at Dave as they are hating being disgraced. These babyfaces care more about their family; than innocent people getting crushed! That's prima fascle evidence of being monster heels; which you want to thrust upon on Dave. So we scene change to test number two which is to lay waste to a village. I'm not going to call this and simply say that he gets an F- and be done with it. Dave is laughing at the "laying waste" joke implying that Dave must take a crap on the village. Well; he's already doing that in quality of this episode; so this should be an easy A+++. So he basically gives the building hideous paint jobs and landscaping; which if that was his intention to ruin them; then it's an F because he failed even to do that properly. Those properties look fine actually. So my scorecard is A+++ and I'll be generous and give a D- to test #2 because he did make fun of Dloria's laying waste joke. The family hates this; thus making Dave into a bigger babyface that I don't care about. Flappy does his fart spot and last up is test #3 as we scene change to in front of a house as Dloria points at the house and the test is plundering. So Dave walks up to the house and knocks on the door. Out comes a small chubby child with a purple hat, green tunic and barefeet saying that he's not allowed to answer the door to barbarians. So Dave actually asks if he could steal their valuables and the kid tells him that there are none. Dloria has sabotaged this third test; which of course makes no sense because Dave already has two F's on his record. So this is now a foregone conclusion that Dave has disgraced the family. Why bother with the test then? I would simply fail this test and blow off my family for disgracing humanity and putting their interest ahead of them! Of course; Dave is too much of a coward, but it would be the first time I am fully behind the coward. Of course; that won't happen because it's comedy and Dave has to pass this; so they'll do a BS finish where he get A infinity to pass with ease.
There is one awesome spot in all this: The kid walks off as we discover that the kid is a stand up comedian and this is now a work because he's up against a brick wall with a bone containing a microphone and does the most intentionally bad comedy in history; and somehow I laughed at this. So in essence; Dave lost his sympathy heat and the kid now has it because he is the only thing that makes sense. So this episode is finished and it's time to mercy kill it. So yes; Dloria gives Dave a Z, thus Dave is still smarter than Bubba. Way to go writers; way to go. So Dave is depressed as the family in the stands are now wearing fake glasses and mustaches proclaiming that they'll change their names and live on an island. GO DO SO YOU ASSHOLES! Dave apologizes for disgracing the family (and saving humanity in the process, sort of); and Fang teases forgiving him and then decides to psyche him. Like a heel. So the family declares that they will skin Dave alive when his back is turned. So yes; not only are these family members monster psychopathic heels, they are cowards as well, because they are too chickencrap to DO IT NOW! You honestly think Dave can fight back? Hell; you have a dragon and a sword on retainer! Why do you have to bother with sneaking up from behind? GOD THIS EPISODE SUCKS! Then Dloria stops this and proclaims that there is a fourth test left. WHAT?! The test is penmenship; which is the one thing Dave cannot screw up! Yes; that is the last test of the rite of pillage. That is like having a "wrestling" match where you kill people with weapons for 20 minutes; and then win by putting a wrestling hold on them. STUPID!
So yes; we do the surgeon spot as the test involving writing the declaration of pillage onto a scroll of paper; so Dave basically writes a complete seal of intent in banana yellow and it looks great, minus the color. I give it a A-; but he gets an A+; and then we discover that this is worth 70% of the final grade because the rite of pillage is sponsered by a pen company. Whatever; Fail Fish was much better than this. So yes; Dave is given his Rite Of Pillage scroll as he got a D- and wins. Fang tries to do the Scrappy Doo spot of carrying Dave above her head; but she blows it and gets squashed and buried in that order. So Dave is happy because he's an official barbarian and we head inside the castle to the dining room as we sing and dance with the denizen in the "Dave Didn't Blow It" party; which is funny. The song was okay; Mom and Dad are still chained up in the dungeon, so they failed harder than Dave did. Yeah; Dloria finally gets the joke and laughs. This is the end, goodbye at 10:26. This was not good; and the whole thing was supposed to funny, but it came off as mean-spirited and asshol-ish. And that finish was horrible as well. When you have to get Dave over as a babyface by making everyone around him hate him for not doing something that is so horribly heelish; then this is a bad idea. Call it * 1/2 (30%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; we are back in mid-season form of sucking in this series after a couple of decent to great episodes. Beef was not horrible; it was just ineffective. There were a few logic breaks and there were some funny moments; but I could not accept the message of broccoli being awful as a believable thing. They should have made it a fruit or a piece of junk food; so that in the former, it made sense with the pineapple (how about a magic apple? Sure; it's lifting from Snow White, but it's ironic so it works), and in the later, the message is more believable (and have the recovery item would be an apple or pineapple). Overall; it was solid with some stupidty. Rite Of Pillage was bad; and I felt that the finish of this was not funny and it completely made a mockery of the entire thing; just for a cheap laugh no one cared about. Sure; they set it up in the beginning, but it means nothing when the payoff is so dumb that they had to make penmenship the highest amount of the mark. Why not have him just barely failing (like in Sheepskin Deep) instead of getting to Bubba's levels of fail; if you are going to do the penmenship as a finish. Otherwise; it's dumb. And; I don't understand why people think it's cool to have babyfaces plundering and pillaging. Sure; Don Karnage does the same thing, but he's the #1 heel of TaleSpin. It makes sense. This entire plotline is so stupid because it turns everyone into a heel; and it turns Dave into a babyface role he didn't earn on his own. Not to mention that by saying that not doing someone so horrible as plundering disgraces the family (who are supposed to be babyfaces) is basically saying "Family Before Humanity". It's not only a horrible message; it's dangerous as well. A monster cool heel can get away with it of course because he's supposed to be a heel. When babyfaces do it; it's horrible because they come off as psychopaths and they are not even cool as heels. They are just vile characters. The only person I felt sorry for is Dave; and he lost that when this little kid he was supposed to plunder does so bad it's funny stand up comedy. Overall; this was a bad episode and a below average set of shorts to boot. So the next four episodes will be completely random; and hopefully, I'll pick a good set of episodes this time. So....
Thumbs down for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.