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Dave The Barbarian: King For A Day Or Two/Slay What?
Reviewed: 08/17/2014
Slay A King For A Day Nor Two!
Well; I have decided to finally bite the bullet and do the segment which has something that I was dreading for months now. Dave The Barbarian acting like a petty tyrant in making everyone watch his dumb party about baked goods, only to have Chuckles come in to become king. Then there's the episode which is one of the few episodes that I enjoyed when it first came out: Fang meets her idol who has a fetish to wanting to kill Flappy. This sounds like a whiplash of quality last seen in Kick Buttowski a lot. Let's rant on shall we...?!
King For A Day Or Two is written and story edited by Mark Drop. Slay What? is written and story edited by Ralph Soll. The animation was done by Wang Films.
Opening Moment #1: Castle crumble shot of the day: A white cow in the castle taking a bath as they show only the tub, sink and plumbing. Okay.
King For A Day Or Two: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM and the VOICEOVER OF DOOM (proving that this show just wants to be as funny as Darkwing Duck) as we head inside the castle with Dave kneeling and the narrator tells us that Dave has a most humble request to Lula: What rhymes with kanolly? Lula of course blows him off claiming that if she knew, she wouldn't be working for a bonehead like him. Wait, what? So Mark Drop is trying to tell us that Lula is dumber than Dave? That makes no sense because it's clear Lula is not dumb. It's clear that Drop is trying to distance Lula away from acting like a monster heel. It failed badly of course. Dave shows off a piece of paper as he is creating a play called "Oh My Pastry" which is a man's love for baked goods. Not the dumbest idea for a play; but certainly not the healthiest idea for one either. Lula basically calls the idea stupid; but won't explain any further because she would be bleeped. Actually; you wouldn't have a job in this show if you said what you think you were going to tell us anyway; so color me unimpressed Lula. So Oswidge is chasing Candy while handling a stack of papers; and Candy is ordering him to stop making her do actual work as a interm leader of the kingdom. Candy bumps into Oswidge and the papers go flying as Oswidge points out that she has responsibilites; which Candy blows off because she doesn't want to make dumb laws; she wants to hang out with dumb friends. What an asshole?! Not because she has duties; but she called her best friends dumb. Dave points out that Candy is the interm ruler and has duties; in which Candy blows him off because it's easy for him to say since he's not in charge. However; if he was ruling the world, he would do it with style, grace and a Polynesian themed throne room. Candy is angry and pops the crown from her head showing off her popped hair which Dave mocks. Candy is not amused and slams the crown around Dave's body and begins to walk out yelling that Dave is king for 48 hours so she can see her "dumb friends". Yeah; she just gave him the duties just like that. Talk about passing the buck onto someone else.
Oswidge pleads for her to come back because Chuckles the Silly Piggy wants to invade Udrogoth; which Candy blows off as a rumor. If this were 2014; Candy would say like a snark: "Chuckles is always trying to invade the kingdom, what's the big deal?". Oswidge points out that the rumors are true because Chuckles wrote a letter of intent to invade the kingdom. You know this kingdom is FUBAR'D when the monster heel clearly writes his intentions. It means Chuckles knows that this kingdom has no great heroes and the people they do have are horrible as heroes. Oh; and Dave is more angry at the fact that Chuckles sent a fruitcake with the letter. Awww! My heart melted! Seriously; it did. Love the symbolism of that gift too. Candy has teleported to the door and proclaims that this is Dave's problem now and slams the door right in Oswidge's face causing his carrot like nose to push up into the air. It just occured to me that Oswidge's nose looks like a penis. Dave is happy to be king of the castle; but Oswidge is trying to reset his nose, but the nose keeps screwing him. As he is doing this; Dave must sit on the enchanted throne to make it official. So we cut to Oswidge (and his penis like nose) next to Dave (with the crown that makes him look like a tool) as he shakes his ass and then sits in the chair. Then we hear a booming voice out of nowhere yell: STATE YOUR NAME! This causes Dave to panic as flashing lightbulb arrows and yellow smoke comes out of the throne after Dave states his first name, and the booming voice uses Dave's name as part of the official signing of a new ruler. And yes; they used Dave's panicky voice as the name. The voice also informs Dave to keep limbs inside the throne chair at all times, which makes no sense since there is no danger in sitting on a throne chair. So yes; Dave is now the interm leader of Udrogoth and he's so giddy that he backhands Flappy into the wall; causing Flappy to impact the wall. Dave proclaims that he'll make the best laws ever! He wishes that he was Spongebob Squarepants; because Dave is simply not annoying enough. So we go to the square with a purple tunic wearing boy wearing leather boots holding a scroll of paper.
He informs us that effective right this very second that on Fridays, we'll have casual day. Everyone cheers in unison as the guards are now wearing just blue ties. Awwwww! My heart melted. We then see Dave is spying on them from the throne room via a crystal ball put on a stone pillar. Flappy is sitting on the left arm rest of the throne which means that you can only sit in the seat of the throne to be declared king. Dave is so giddy about this because they love him. Oswidge is wearing a green shirt with daisies imprinted on the shirt and purple shorts with sandals on enjoying this. Dave proclaims that this law would be hard to top as he ponders over another law. Trust me on this one Dave; it won't be hard to top that law. So Dave backhands Flappy into the wall again and declares National Udrogoth Spirit Day which means everyone must wear the official colors of the kingdom on Saturdays, which means a lot of red including salmony red. Oswidge writes way too slow; forcing Dave to bump him away and write the law himself, to prove that he has no problems doing actual work in additional to actual bad thinking. So the law is written and the crowd barely pops for it because they think it's dumb. So we head to the ramparts as the guards are taking this awfully well; and one of them brings out the shield to block the arrows for his partner; because the red makes it easier for attacker to see them. I don't know how this is any worse than casual day, or their normal gear since we can clearly see the colors in contrast with the blue sky. So that was dumb and we head into the Great Indoor Marketplace (it's been a while since they overused that gimmick earlier in the ranting) as we head to Bogmelon's shop of defective stuff as Candy, Cheesette and Dinky are wearing red tunics while eating giant chicken legs. Dinky is whining about this stupid law and so far in my eyes; Dave is 2 for 2 in good laws. None of the laws are terrible, they are just pointless. Candy is wearing pink gloves as Dinky claims that red makes her looked slain, which is funny actually. Candy doesn't care as long as he doesn't make a stupid law that makes her make stuff without her friends; and then talks about entrails. Sigh.
So we head back to the throne and Dave is acting all great about this and backhands Flappy into the wall again; because making people happy is dangerous to yellow dragon whelps. Dave wants to pass more "brilliant" laws (we are talking about Dave here guys. Don't give the brilliant part all that much credit.) and then elbows Flappy into the wall, in the first off-screen bump he took in this episode. So backhand into the wall is fine; elbow gets BS&P'ed. Okay; got it. So Dave has a "brilliant law" as he wants to solve the problem of cat fur because he is allergic to cat fur you see and apparently others are too; so he's writing the law in such a way to make us think he cares about others. Sadly for us; that might be accurate in it's own twisted, perverse way. So the law is passed that all cats must be shaved and the denizens groan on cue. We head back to the castle guards as they have been scratched by the cats as scratch marks and bandages are being worn. See; Dave cares so much about people being allergic to cat hair that he forget the consequences of the nature of cats losing their fur and how they respond to such a threat to their automony in spite of their non-sentient nature. So one of the guards produces a shaved cat and then gets murdered in the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUDDUST FIGHT OF DEATH and then we cut back to the throne room with Dave playing on the tinest piano he could find. I love this spot because it implies that he doesn't give a crap about the denizens and their problems. Sadly; the world tiniest violin must have been rented out. I wonder who rented out that plot device? Hmmm...it sounds like a red crab with a fetish for being a low rent Scrooge McDuck. So Fang comes in and yells at Dave to stop passing stupid laws. That's not possible Fang. That would imply that Dave has an IQ that is higher than half of the lawmakers in America. Dave isn't convinced of the denizens and the cats turning on him. Then a rock gets thrown in a window and bonks Dave on the head. It has a message that is a cat meowing in a pissed off manner. Okay; the cats are pissed Dave, it's time to rethink your tactics here. When cats get pissed off; it never ends well at all.
I should also note that we heard glass shatter despite the fact that there are no glass windows in this era! Yeah; the rock was intended to kill Dave. That failed badly. Dave is so confused as to why no one likes him anymore and now he's pissed off and wants to punish them in such painful ways such as wedgies. Personally; this sleazy heel Dave is really more amusing than cowardly Dave, because he sits down and proclaims that he must win the populace over with acts of kindness. So he's going to enact a law to make everyone attend the upcoming play "Oh My Pastry" in an attempt to win his subjects back. Of course; the denizens are chuckling at this stupidity in the streets; so the guards come out to stare down the green hat denizen as he recoils and calls it a work of genius. Well; I have seen worse plays then this. Mostly done by me actually, so I would attend this; just to see Dave make an ass out of himself. Apparently; it's now AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) on Friday on the ramparts because the guards are wearing just their blue ties again. One of them questions this because this law might open themselves to invaders. The other guard (the one who used the shield to defend his fellow guard earlier) tells him not to worry because all invaders must be forced to attend this too, thus Dave thinks of everything. Yeah; you have invaders who hate Dave and you have denizens who want to turn on Dave, but are too law fearing to do anything. You can guess how well this is going to end for Dave as we head to a cave with several rivers of bubbling lava. In front of a throne we see Chuckles The Silly Piggy reading a scroll of paper about the law; and then throws it into the lava and laughs. Yeah; the heel is smarter than the babyface here, what a shock? So Chuckles crimps his neck and does it way too much and has to look funny walking out. Poor little piggy; he needs to be in TaleSpin, he would be such a great foil. Or even Gummi Bears which would actually be better. Same foil. So we head to the stage with purple curtain AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we are minutes away from watching "Oh My Pastry!". This is going to be so fun to mock; I cannot wait.
So the curtain opens and out comes Dave in a chef's outfit singing against the crappiest background ever. This is the best episode ever and the crowd looks and sounds dead. In comes the pastries with sexy ladies legs as we pick up the tempo and then Dave bounces off the pink sprinkles cupcake of doom as this is the funniest play in the history of plays that got no crowd reaction whatsoever. I don't get why no one is responding to this; this play is awesome. Awesomely bad; but still awesome nevertheless. It perversely entertained me here, so I would certainly watch it again, even in reruns. Dave finishes with a flourish and the crickets chirp like crazy as one denizen reacts by slurping soda from his straw. This was great, and the booking was correct here as Dave made an ass out of himself to no reaction. So Chuckles opens the door to the kingdom and brings out a fruitcake which has whole pineapples in it. Of course no one responses because they are at the theater watching the most perversely entertaining play I have ever seen in years. So Chuckles throws the fruitcake over his head and it lands on the ground like it was a giant brick. Then we scene change to Chuckles practicing the fine art of not being seen in the throne room. Chuckles walks over and sits on the red pillow on the throne and twists his ass in the process. The voice of the chair beckons and Chuckles states his name as the chair mocks this funny name. Chuckles rightfully blows him off and threatens to rearrange him into an ugly plad basically. So we get the yellow smoke flashing lightbulb arrows as Chuckles the Silly Piggy is now officially the king of Udrogoth. Chuckles brings out the amulet and laughs for a while, and then blows the chair off for not being able to tell the difference between him or her, implying that Chuckles is bisexual. If Chuckles is bisexual, should we care? Wouldn't that turn Dave and company into the vilest form of heels ever? As if their character sketches didn't do that already? So we head back to the stage with Dave dressed up in the most absurd outfit I have ever seen as he has bleached his hair blond and is wearing elf shoes. This is the funniest bad play ever!
Dave's Shakespeare promos are even funnier as he is literally talking to a danish. I am laughing my ass off seeing and hearing this because only Dave would consider this a good play. Now as a funny play; almost everyone would admit that this is the funniest thing in years in DTVA up to this point. This is on par with Darkwing Duck getting planted in a pot by Reggie Bushroot. Then we bring in the pasteries with legs for another flourish to the already dead crowd. He spins the pink cupcake and then a giant head of Chuckles shows up and that scares the pasteries with legs away as he laughs in his usual funny fashion. He proclaims that he is now the king of Udrogoth and his first law is to ban theater musicals; causing the denizens to pop loudly. In fact; they cheered loudly when Chuckles showed up to be the new king! Yes; the denizens love Chuckles more than they love Dave. Mark has just admitted that Chuckles is a better babyface than Dave is as a babyface! So Fang, Oswidge and Flappy are watching the show as Fang doesn't like this at all, but Oswidge thinks the pig law is better than Dave's law, so he gets dragged away as Chuckles declares that he is all powerful and cannot be defeated as he waves his amulet around. Ten seconds later; the babyfaces have all run into the castle throne room. This is so my day! So Dave orders Chuckle to stop being...mean! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Chuckles is amused and then shoots the amulet at Dave's feet causing Dave to jump back. Kajabbers indeed as he tries to bail; but Fang cuts him off at the pass. Chuckles proclaims that he cannot be stopped because he has an amulet and the throne's power. So he uses the amulet to basically create an anti-gravity sphere on the babyfaces, and they rise into the air. Chuckles proclaims that his first law is that pig's feet do not belong pickled in jars, they belong on pig's ankles! I'm shocked PETA hasn't used this line of threatening in their campaigns as Dave blows off the law; prompting Chuckles to respond by saying that it's better than shaving cats. And he's right, and Dave knows it because he whines, realizing that everyone has turned on him and he made it possible. Yeah.
Fang tells him to stop beating himself; which means that she is going to beat his ass herself as she slips the crown to Dave's hip and spins him into a ball. In comes Candy as she proclaims that this nonsense will end right now. Damn you Candy; this was starting to get really awesome now! Chuckles mocks him because he is a sexist pig...and this time, it's not a dumb analogy since Chuckles is an anthro pig. Also the denizens come in and are behind her because even though Dave sucks at lawmaking, he's still better than Chuckles (also causing one of the guard to tell the lawmaker announcer to stop acting like a moron). Wait; the crowd was CHEERING when Chuckles arrived to ban Dave's musicial, so why are they turning on Chuckles? Dave still takes it as them loving him and manages to get the crown back onto his head. So Candy orders everyone to charge and they sell as Chuckles uses the amulet to zap about four denizens away; but there are about ten-fifteen denizens too many; and he gets overwhelmed as the amulet is smacked out of his hands, causing the babyfaces in the air to drop on their bodies onto the floor with a wussy bump. Chuckles is grabbed by the guards as Chuckles asks about the fruitcake. HAHA! So we cut to outside with a catapult as we see Fang with a sword with Chuckles in the bowl of the catapult as she asks if Chuckles has any last words before he is banished. Yeah; he took over the kingdom and didn't get executed. Of course; this episode aired after they made Chuckles into a glazed ham. Dumb! Chuckles gets off about three words before Fang cuts the yellow rope and Chuckles does the Team Rocket exit out of the episode, and that is that. Dave comes over and apologizes for being wacky about the laws; but since the last number was interrupted, he'll sing the last number just for fun. Thus he does as Fang panics and covers her ears. Lula is in shock and then we scene change with the Flintstone wearing denizen using an axe on the catapult with Dave in it and they cut the rope and Dave goes flying out of the episode. HAHA! He got his comeupperance as Candy calls this harsh. I agree; I wanted Fang to rip out his voice box.
So we scene change to a haystack as Chuckles lands in the haystack. He pops up relieved that this wasn't so bad and then gets squashed by Dave and his ass. Seriously. So Dave gets up and despite having about 10 feet of hay between Chuckles and the ground when Dave squashed him (and thus wouldn't have touched the ground and thus get flattened at all); Chuckles is still flat flush against Dave's ass and sezs ouch. That was funny in it's own way as that ends the episode at 10:26. This is the best short in the series so far as it was Dave perservely entertaining me with his awesomely bad play while Chuckles is Chuckles. What more could you ask for? Besides a more logical finish and ending. **** 1/2 (90%).
Slay What?: We begin this one with a sunset shot of the sun as the narrator goes on and on about history that no kid gives a crap about. This segment is about heroes like Bromkite The Smasher who is a muscle roided barbarian with blond hair, green pants, boots and smashing gloves. Then we get a classic moment where you wonder if BS&P is laughing when they make decisions like this: Bromkite brings out the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT and smashes it onto the purple foot of the fuzzy cheese furry monster of doom. So BS&P simply makes the sound effect into Chuckles' squeaky toy sound, implying that the sledgehammer is a toy hammer. I should have known that because he doesn't bang it on the steps, if there were any. Monster oversells pain anyway, thus making it look like the biggest whimp monster in the land. Scene change to a large man with a blue tunic who looks like Dave's rat nose cousin. The narrator addresses him as Molta whose gimmick is that he ridicules monsters and they give up. This yellow troll (with a red mole on his nose) is growling as Molta calls him a pizza face; and that causes the monsters to weep openly. Yeah; these monsters are so wimpy in this world. Scene changer to a black woman with purple hair and aqua green skirt and dress stomping on something because she's Ebore the Stomper. If they wanted to go all the way with this; why not call her Ebore The Stomper Gouldie? She stomps and we hear fart sounds as she demands to know if that is enough; and the guy sezs no off-screen. So Ebore stomps some more. So we get the triangle split screen of these "heros" (really bullies since none of the monsters are threatening in anyway) as the narrator explains that these warriors are shown in various art forms..and then we scene change to the Great Indoor Marketplace as Fang is asking for Barbarian Trading Cards or she's crush Bogmelon. Which I would have no problem paying money to see as Bogmelon gives her the cards and she only has to pay two grecos instead of three. She opens the package and goes through them; throwing away card calling them junk. At least she is not calling them crud and snot like some shows I know.
So this goes on for about five seconds and she finally finds the card she is looking for: Strom The Slayer as we finally see his fugly mug holding a sword and looking way too pleased with himself holding such a blade. He also wears a green tank top and a green bandana. So we head back to the castle and dining room as the other babyfaces are bored of Fang's literal hero worship of Strom The Slayer. I cannot argue with the babyfaces on this one. Fang; he is just a swordsman with crooked teeth. How can he be a great hero in a world where the monsters are almost as wimpy as Dave. Almost. There is also a monkey warmer which is a bucket with Strom's face on the front and there is a talking monkey with green glasses lounging in said bucket. Remember this for later as Oswidge comes in and Fang uses the spear to order him to stay away from the monkey. So Oswidge whines because he wants to touch the monkey. Remember this for later too as Dave tells Fang that he can get his official autograph too because Strom is coming to town, which even Fang doesn't believe. So a horn bellows and we cut to outside the Great Indoor Marketplace as a dark skinned red haired woman who looks like a fortune teller comes in facing the hard camera telling the monster to fear because Strom is here and she turns it over to some purple tunic blond haired woman dancer named Mona (Cree Summer). So we are on stage with Mona who is because Strom's introduction singer. And she has four Rockette like girls as backup singers as apparently monsters have less than a chance than a fish in the tree. That sounds reasonable as the dark skinned singer joins in basically to use the backup Rockettes as props to inform us that Strom is here and you have no chance in hell. This is a hell of a good way to introduce Strom and put him over as a giant's deal, so way to go writers. Strom finally appears; and it's basically a low rent version of the Family Guy opening; which is an improvement somehow. No surprise; Strom gets a standing ovatation for this from the crowd as we cut back to the window with the babyfaces as Candy tells Fang that if she makes down there quick enough; he'll sign the trading card.
Fang of course bails stage right in a cloud of dust and doesn't even allow finish to finish her statement. Apparently; Fang make it to the crowd in 1.8 seconds according to the "Would Be Funny If There Was A Spongebob Narrator Narrating This!" title card. Even though the scene took exactly five seconds to complete. Oh well; still better than Mad Quacks From Hockey Dome. So Fang butts in and brings out the feather pen and trading card just as Strom is waving to the locals and Strom completely ignores her. HA! I knew Strom wouldn't give a inspired psychopath the time of day! So much a quack doctor this Strom is. Strom is told by his singing section that he is supposed to explain clearly that he is in Udrogoth to slay a dragon. Strom finally explains that he is here to slay the dragon; and the crowd suddenly goes dead. They are confused as Strom explains what a dragon is. One of the denizens (It might be Bogmelon; but I'm not rewinding to check since I have other work to do) claims that they have not seen a dragon; but they have a green troll to slay, whom is a huge fan of Strom. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Strom; so fearful, even trolls stop being trolls weither in real life or on the Worldwide Spider Web. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So the troll walks off and squashes someone on the way out and he apologizes for it. So Strom shows a black shirt with red letters which reads "Slay The Dragon Tour"; and trolls will be next year. Bogmelon explains that Dave has a dragon that is like a big potato. Strom doesn't care either way; he'll slay it by the end of the day. He walks off as Dave and Lula join Fang as Dave is worried about Flappy while Lula is worried about him giving out free t-shirts because they are not cost effective. Even though he informed us that there is a 50 dreco surcharge on the shirts right at the hard camera. Lula's definition of cost effective is way different than mine I see. So we head to the castle as Dave is talking to Flappy about Strom on the dining room table; and of course Flappy has an IQ of Chum Chum which is less than eight and it's time to sell; so he just stands there acting dumb.
The amazing thing about this is: That's still better than seeing Fang stiff as a rock waiting next to the table with a piece of paper and pen ready to get that autograph. She tips over and acts like a rock. So we hit the montage as Dave disguises Flappy as a fish in a fishbowl and dragons must breathe as Flappy goes up for air and Dave blows him off for this breathing nonsense. Asshole! So we cut to outside with Candy and Flappy wearing martial arts costumes as we are doing Tai Quan Don't. Which would be effective against the hockey skills of Tai Quack Do. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I betcha Flappy burns Candy to ashes with the thunder breath and it doesn't happen. In fact; we get probably the greatest moment in Flappy's career as a character: Candy explains that Tai Quan Don't strengthens the buttocks as we get some of the funniest karate moves in history by Flappy while Candy looks awesome too. Then they jump into the air and do a bunch of moves that make no contact and then land on the ground opposite of each other with their backs turned to each other. Then they go backwards and bump asses. Yes; that is exactly what happened here and Flappy gets bounced into the air and breaks through the sign with his head which is for Strom's "Dragon Slayer Tour" as he is the new head of the damsel in distress; and there is a balloon message said by Strom which reads: "I slay you!". Awwwww, my heart melted! That was great. Why the hell did I think this show sucked so much? Sure; many of the episodes are dumber than a box of hammers and most of the characters are unlikable about 60% of the time; but when they are being great, we get great moments like this. And we aren't done yet...because Flappy kisses Strom anyway! HAHA! So we cut to outside with Flappy and Oswidge. Yes; Oswidge has to FOLLOW that moment! Sadly; he uses magic and needs a user manual to pull it off; so he still is a useless load. So he zaps Flappy into being a bigger dragon and succeeds. In making Flappy look like a float for the Macey's Day Parade. Next to hog tying Mals with his white beard, this was pretty funny. Second attempt gives him the biggest ass in DTVA history.
Nope; I'm not hyperboling here, Flappy has a huge ass. And people on IMDB were complaining about touching monkeys?! Third attempt and of course Oswidge is repulsed by this. Now I expected to see something gruesome because this is the point where you have to do fart jokes because kids will change the channel if it doesn't happen. However; they just cut away to the dining room with Flappy sitting on it. Yes; even BS&P thought that this was way too gross even on their show! I betcha that even in 2004; Nickelodeon would have allowed this spot and jackhammer the point home so far into the ground, we would never see Flappy again. It's too bad; because this episode is the one where Flappy is actually looking somewhat decent! So Fang comes in and she even offers to protect Flappy because she wants to grow up like Strom and refuses to let him slay a wimpy dragon as she slingshots Flappy's tongue and Flappy and his tongue stick to the ceiling. Give Flappy enough tongue and he'll hang thyself! That was more disturbing than I had intended. So Flappy is hiding as a animal head on the wall complete with wooden shield as the narrator claims that he is hiding in plain sight. We are nearing "instant classic" levels of quality here folks..in a Dave The Cleaning Barbarian Of Laughs episode. Dave of course blows his cover ten seconds in by waving hello to Flappy while reading a book. So Flappy punishes him by spitting lightning breath to burn his green book. Normally; I would hate burning books (unless it's Rhinokey's book of rejected jokes, then I might consider burning them and take the consequences as they go.), but Dave deserves what he got for blowing Flappy's cover. No one is supposed to know he is an animal trophy head on the wall. He blows out the flame of the book (BOO! HISS!) and Candy runs in as we hear Strom's horn because Strom has arrived to slay the yellow dragon, which now matches the streak down his back. Oh wait; I was talking about Dave, never mind. Candy bails to the door; Fang bails to get the autograph card and Dave bails to a chair and reads from a burned book.
So Candy brings in Strom as they exchange pleasure thoughts and I discover that Strom is in fact single. Strom then notices Dave reading and they exchange greetings as Dave thinks his last name is Slayer. Who cares? Strom notices the burned book as Dave admits that he has a nasty habit of making books smoke when he reads them. That is so funny that it made sense to me. Strom is here to slay the dragon; so Dave shows off the trophy of Flappy to indicate that the dragon has been slained already by him. That made sense to me as Strom is disappointed; and then out comes Fang looking scared to death in trying to get this dude's autograph. Quit showing off Fang! He's not THAT special! Strom calls her pathetic and Fang snaps out of it and demands answers to this outrage. Funny how it is her biggest IDOL that pointed out how pathetic Fang is in her psychopathic attitude. Strom claims that he was really calling Flappy pathetic even though he said pathetic right in front of Fang looking at her. Not buying this explaination as he calls her an interesting human and Fang is so happy that someone actually called her human instead of a monkey. This would have been more effective if the family was calling her a monkey as well. I think only Chuckles has called her a monkey in this show. To be fair to Fang; she looks nothing like a monkey or even a chimp. She's merely a psychopath midget. Now if you recall; Fang burned Dave's book and it was smokin? Well; The smoke somehow took forever to finally land in front of Flappy's nose and he gags on cue. Well; Flappy has no one but himself to blame for this, single digit IQ or not. So Fang wheezes and pops out of the trophy wall as Strom realizes that Dave was lying. Geez; I wonder why? Maybe because Flappy is his PET! So Strom wants to slay the smallest yellow dragon in history (speaking of pathetic...) and brings out his golden axe; which has a switch to turn it into three golden axes. It's the Golden Orochi Axe Of Slaining Death! Sadly; Fang calls it the Golden Tri-Axe, which is awfully lame as a booking name. Strom's battle cry is Valinvalin; which Fang doesn't like, but the axe is cool.
She's wrong of course. The battle cry is a million times cooler than the axe as Strom stalks Flappy (again, speaking of pathetic...) and raises the axe over his head, and then Dave runs in and invokes the LEGAL HANDS OF GOD to stop him. Fang thinks this is so awesome because Dave wants to fight Strom; which I would pay good money to see, even if Dave gets squashed and axed in that order. Dave of course is stammering like an idiot because he's a coward as Fang is absolutely enjoying this that I swear that Tress MacNeillie is actually acting like Babs Bunny at one point. Oh; and she loves seeing Dave chopped into little pieces. Geez; and I thought I was a sadist and a slimebag?! Strom is mad because Dave stopped his slaying as Dave proclaims that Flappy is his pet. So Strom decides to kill Dave and then his pet. Now this is awesome as Dave goes "Meep" thus it was Phineas & Ferb who stole that catchphrase from Dave The Barbarian. That is like John Cena basically stealing from Wolfie D in USWA. Seriously; watch the USWA stuff with Wolfie D feuding with Bill Dundee and try telling me that he's different from John Cena. You will fail miserably. Anyhow; Strom does the best battlecry in the history of mankind and then he stops because Dave tiptoes away like Fred Flintstone if Fred was a coward. And to think for years we accused Baloo of being Fred Flintstone in TaleSpin! Strom of course cuts him off (that sounded wrong for some reason) as he orders Dave to draw his sword. Lula proclaims that Dave can take him and Dave asks if this is true. Lula, the cocky asshole prick that she is, responds by saying that he cannot. AND I BELIEVE HER! This is the first time in this series that Lula didn't offend me in anyway. So we do the battlecry of awesomeness and Dave bails like a coward. I don't blame him; Lula is right for once in saying that Dave is screwed. Dave hides behind a chair as he wants to play diplomacy and the chair gets murdered by Strom. Wow; Strom is a fiend that I love to hate actually. Dave hides under the green table and Strom kills that table. Dave bails behind a stone column as he pleads for mercy because he hates pain.
Strom chops the column down similar to the ring cut spot from a lot of cartoons past; only Dave was behind the column instead of hanging on top of it. Which is different in someway? Even TaleSpin did this spot at one time as Oswidge comes in talking to Candy about what is going on. Candy does the Gruffi pose and she basically states that it's the usual in that someone is trying to off Dave. This was NOTHING...AND THE ROCKS MEANS NOTHING to her! Candy is now a bigger psychopath than Fang; if that was humanly possible! Dave is cowering on the floor defending himself with a wooden chair. Yeah; a big wooden throne, a green table and a stone column couldn't protect him from Strom, so he'll take the smallest chair he could find and defend himself with it like a shield. This is so awesomely pathetic that we are reaching full monty status in this episode. So Oswidge uses the wand and the beam deflects off the bottom axe and somehow nails Candy and Oswidge despite Oswidge being about two feet shorter than the beam height, and they get turned into centipedes. Candy of course is more pissed off that it is going to cost her to get custom made shoes. Oswidge has this look of: "Why did Throktar and Glimia give the crown to Candy? Even Fang would have been a less insane choice!". Dave pleads for Strom to go to another section of the castle because he running out of places to hide. Strom no sells this; does the awesome battle cry and tri-slices the chair into pieces just as Dave bails. Dave then hides behind the monkey in the monkey warmer bucket (Remember what I said earlier?). Strom raises the axe as Dave and the monkey shudder and panic in fear as they are about to be sliced and diced into pieces. Now; this is not the scene I was talking about that actually offended me although Dave does come dangerously close to doing the offensive spot. However; what happens next is probably the greatest finish in the entire series without any question. This finish is the definition of an 18* finish.
So Strom is about to kill Dave and the Monkey when Fang screams forcing Strom (Phil LaMarr by the way; which makes this even more ironic) to stop. Fang comes in and blows off Strom because no one screws with her monkey warmer; not even Strom The Slayer. That is funny in itself; but it gets even better. Strom then begins to taunt Fang into doing something about it; and then pokes the monkey over and over and over again. Anyone with two brain cells can spot where this is going now as she is pissed off and gets the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS as she has had enough of this racist taunting of her. I love how the narrator is trying to make the focus on the monkey warmer, but missing the entire point of why Fang is pissed off. See; if you recall: Fang's gimmick is that she hates being called a monkey, but she won't stop doing monkey spots anyway. Fang stood up to Strom; so Strom saw her as a nobody so he simply poked the monkey in the face as a taunt to Fang that she's nothing but a monkey. I love how everyone was so focused on the part where Dave asks Strom about continuing to off him and Strom claims that poking the monkey is addicting, because they focused on claiming that this was a mastrubation joke and acting all offended; when everyone should have called out Strom for his racist actions since a monkey is usually used as a taunt against black people. That's why I want to see Fang kick Strom's ass now; because Fang now has a good reason to be offended by Strom's actions. So Fang goes to her trading cards and lo and behold, there is a section for weaknesses. UH OH! So Fang calls Strom out and dares him to fight her; which Strom taunts her again although not touching the monkey this time. Fang grabs the hips of his tunic and pulls out of his pocket...wait for it...a banana yellow squeaky toy rabbit! Strom instantly panics on cue and pleads for mercy because Fang is going to threaten violence on the squeaky toy bunny rabbit. AWESOME! Fang demands that Strom surrender now or the rabbit gets ripped in half by Strom. Now this is lame in an awesome way; just as the show was promising us all along!
Strom pleads for mercy as he promises not to slay Dave, Flappy and the monkey along with the monkey warmer while crying like a baby. For once BS&P delivered a better finish than merely kicking Strom's ass to the moon. Fang gives Strom back the bunny rabbit after teasing murdering it; and Strom hugs it like a friend. Awwwwww! My heart melted! Fang is so embarrassed of this; that she simply pulls out the pen and asks of the poor guys' autograph. HAHA! After all this empowerment stuff; she is still an idiot! So we head outside of Udrogoth castle BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) as Strom and Fang wave goodbye to each other. Fang's waving looks like she doing mouth signals with her hand. The lady singers then haul ass and run off as Strom is forced to hang onto the back of the wagon and bumps about ten times with funny bumps until he is out of sight as Fang calls him a weenie after the narrator reveals the moral of the story. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Then we get the ending and it's Dave doing Tai Quan Don't which is actually funnier than Flappy doing it as Fang runs in with a new set of trading card as she thinks she's on them. So she opens the package and throws out about three cards; and then notices a new one; which she teases as being her. Then she groans because it's a trading card of Dave The Barbarian. Someone took a picture of Dave hiding behind a chair and the trading card is called Dave The Hider Of Things. This makes no sense at all and even Dave notices the unflattering picture he got on his trading card. Then a fly shows up as Candy and Oswidge crawl on his shoulders because they are still centipedes as Candy blows Dave off. Flappy shows up and the closing spot is Flappy unleashing his tongue to snag the fly and the tongue somehow went through Dave's ears on both sides in the process before he swallowed the fly. So Dave has no brains at all. HAHA! Why doesn't this surprise me? This episode ends at 10:26 and this is the best episode of the series without question; and it's also the first perfect episode of the series to boot! Flappy was good, Fang was great, Strom was a great awesome heel that crumbled to Fang's might at the end as he got his comeupperance for acting like a bigot and Dave was funny. There was little stupidity in it and the lameness was actually laugh out loud funny. What more could I ask for? ***** (100%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Wow; we got a surprising awesome short and the first perfect episode of the series! Why did I hate this show in 2003? Sure; there are lots of episodes where it was stupid and unlikable, but these two shorts actually delivered on the premise of a lame but funny show. King For A Day Or Two I expected to be a crappy episode; and it turned out to be better than Girlfriend; if you can believe that. Dave's ruling ways was in character, totally funny and he got his actual comeupperance at the end. Chuckles was awesome as usual and in probably his best performance ever in the series. Dave's play was perversely entertaining to watch and it was better due to the crowd giving absolutely zero reaction for it. This was an instant classic to say the least; and there was some stupid stuff in it; but for the most part, this was great. Slay What? is the best episode of the series and the first perfect episode of said series because everything was thoughout and it almost always made sense. The finish itself deserves an award because they managed to turn a racist taunt into making Fang look so good that I wanted to see Strom get his ass kicked...and then they delivered in the lamest fashion possible by having Fang try to kill his banana yellow bunny. This was awesomely lame and it worked so well that I was laughing my ass off when it happened. Dave playing cowardly babyface trying to protect his pet was awesome. Flappy doing martial arts and failing was awesome. Oswidge was inoffensive and Lula had her best moment in the series. The writing was dead on and only one moment made no sense at all (the Dave trading card at the end; but it's a quibble in a sea of greatness). For once; I loved what Fang did here and she came off as the best character on the babyface side without looking like a psychopath. And all they had to do was make Strom poke a monkey in the face. This show is officially better than Mighty Ducks now and Mighty Ducks can't stop it now. So....
Thumbs up for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.