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Dave The Barbarian: Civilization/The Terror of Mecha-Dave
Reviewed: 07/27/2014
The Civilization Of Mecha-Dave Might Be Better Than The Real Thing!
Well; we had some great episodes for once on this show. The question is; will this lead to a great comeback? Judging by the fact that there was no second season, the answer is no. But; at least I know this show can be good, but doesn't call upon itself to. So next up on our rant list is Fang being civilized and Dave fighting a robot created by Chuckles while the gang goes shopping. YAY! Let's rant on shall we...?!
Civilization is written and story edited by Kevin Hopps. The Terror of Mecha-Dave is written and story edited by John P. McCann. John P. according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): McCann moved to Los Angeles in 1979 to become a writer. Distracted by acting for a while, he worked at two separate comedy improv groups— The L.A. Connection and M.D. Sweeney's Acme Comedy Theater (formerly Two Roads Theater; Sweeney has sold the theater, and now runs the restaurant and club next door, said to have been an investment of Acme Alumnus Adam Carolla). Writing comedy skits enabled him to hone his abilities with dialogue and narrative, and to explore the way comic timing is affected by the needs of a story: he was no longer simply throwing out one-liners. He reached the summit of his acting career, he claims, as a double for Duncan Regehr (as Errol Flynn) in My Wicked, Wicked Ways: The Legend of Errol Flynn. After Paul Rugg joined Acme Comedy Theater, Rugg and McCann were recruited by Tom Ruegger and Sherri Stoner of Warner Brothers Animation for freelance scripts. Ruegger then brought both Rugg and McCann aboard at Warner Brothers, where they worked as part of Jean MacCurdy's brain trust on Animaniacs and Steven Spielberg Presents Freakazoid!. McCann later worked on Pinky, Elmyra & the Brain, a spinoff of Pinky and the Brain, which was ironic: the first script he'd written for Ruegger had been an experimental workup of a spinoff from Tiny Toons, using Elmyra as the main protagonist. Along with being the creative force behind Freakazoid!—along with Rugg—McCann performed the voice for Douglas Douglas, Dexter Douglas' father, and for Hero Boy. The Freakazoid! character Lord Bravery was actually drawn to look like John P. McCann. McCann has received a Peabody Award and been nominated for seven Emmys—including one for songwriting—and has received three Emmy Awards: one for Animaniacs (as a writer), one for Freakazoid! (as a producer), and one for Pinky, Elmyra & the Brain (as a producer).
At Warner Brothers, he worked not just on those titles, but also on Ozzie & Drix, Batman Beyond, and a speculative series based on the character Lobo from the Superman Comic Strips that never got off the ground. He also produced a couple of public service announcements for the U.S. State Department (in a joint project with Warner Brothers Animation) that featured Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, in which Cambodian people were warned about the dangers of picking up stray ordnance from the ground. He remarks that the project took him to Washington D.C. once, and Cambodia twice. McCann also won a Prizm Award in 1999 for helping to raise public awareness about the dangers of drug addiction (but in a funny way, of course). In 1999 McCann wrote, produced and directed a short film in the improvisational style later popularized by Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm. A take-off on The Blair Witch Project, it was entitled The Glendale Ogre, and starred Marc Drotman, Scott Kreamer, and Kate Donahue. Scored by Julie and Steve Bernstein, it featured camera work by David Coons of Los Angeles' Artscans, himself most well known as the inspiration for the title of Po Bronson's The Nudist on the Late Shift. In the years since leaving Warner Brothers Animation, McCann has worked on Jimmy Neutron, Dave the Barbarian, Tom Ruegger's Sushi Pack, and Animalia. He was also story editor for the animated European series Sherm!, produced by BAF. He began his career on Reefer Madness II: The True Story in 1985. Dave The Barbarian is his DTVA debut and only appearance. Pink Panther & Pals and Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated are his most recent credits. He has 18 writing credits, 2 producer credits, three acting credits, four Self credits and two other credits to his resume. I have no idea who animated the episodes.
Opening Moment #1: Low-Rent Fairly Oddparents Shot Of The Day: The castle crumbles to reveal a huge rubber duckie. Okay; that was amusing.
Civilization: We begin this one with a far shot of Udrogoth Castle AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we zoom in. Then we head inside the castle as the narrator is claiming about the joys of telling ghost stories in front of the campfire. We then cut to a family of cockroaches sharing stories in front of a campfire while being in front of the fireplace; which sounds awfully redundant. The story of this show is that there is a Great Destructor in the mist wanting to kill them with foot stomping; and I realized even before she came in to chase the cockroaches away that it was Fang they were talking about. So Fang proclaims that she'll squash them all; invoking the evil laugh of doom to turn heel on them (which is fitting since she is trying to squish them under her heel so to speak). Then we cut to Candy wearing her SWANK night gear; and she has two friends joining her on the bed eating out of a box which I think contains cupcakes. One of them looks thin and pale; wearing a pink robe; while the second one is fat and wearing a similar outfit to Candy's; only the colors are reversed. I have no idea who is who; other than they are Dinky & Cheezette. I'm guessing Cheezette is the plump one and the pale one is Dinky; which I'll probably get wrong before this segment is over. Candy is so happy to have this slumber party because she gets to talk about those important issues like: Who is the cutiest minstrial: J.T. or T.J.? Okay. Dinky and Candy argue like eight year punk kids saying that her dad can beat up her dad. I discover that the box contains pizza because the cockroaches run in and get in the pizza. The girls are repulsed by this; and then in runs Fang as she opens the box (the cockroaches somehow closed the box; as if this would help them or anything) and she start squishing and missing the cockroaches anyway. Well; that is how grape juice was created in the old days; so I cannot see why Candy and company are so upset over. The cockroach gets squashed and dies cutting a promo causing Cheezette and Dinky to scream loudly. I should note that both girls are voiced by the same people who did Fang and Candy in that order.
The girls bail as Candy blows Fang off for ruining her slumber party; which contains no slumber. Fang then eats the pieces of pizza and then belches loudly for ten seconds flat off-screen as Candy looks so annoyed that she appears she wants to kill Fang for this. So we get a shot of the castle in the morning as the narrator claims that Candy has called for a family meeting...in which Fang is not present at. We cut to the table with Dave, Candy, Oswidge and Flappy sitting down as Dave reads the minutes...ERRR..I mean; the letter their parents sent them. Everything is fine and then they bailed from the demon monkeys. It looks like a transcript from an episode we'll never see; only Dave erased his name and put "Mom" and "Dad" as the actors. That would have been compelling stuff; but this is Disney and they don't know how to do anything right. Okay; I'm hyperboling here. Candy blows it off because she wants Fang to become more ladylike because she ruined her slumber party. Oswidge thinks that this is a bad idea to change her because a perverted old geezer is more enlightened than Candy. Lovely! Dave actually defends Candy and claims that this is a great idea as he wants to break her to force her to surpress her true self. What an asshole?! Lula agrees with Dave. What a....Oh wait; douchebaggery is Lula's character. Dave reveals a book which reads "A Young Lady's Guide To Being Way, Way, Way, More Civilized" which has a pink cover. Because being lady-like means that you only love pink. What an asshole?! This show is back in mid-season form now after two great episodes! Also; Dave manages to wear his glasses out of nowhere; and starts reading Chapter One; which makes Lula look bored. When Lula is not being the prick of the show; it's boring to me. So we segueway to the table where Fang is teasing savaging a cooked turkey on a bed of lettuce and tomatoes with a spring of mint on top. I swear that this is the exact dressing Chuckles suffered in his debut. She puts the damn thing into her mouth; and she cannot eat it whole; so Candy comes over and they play tug of war on each other. This was uncomfrontable to watch, even for me.
So Candy rips the skull of Fang out of Fang's mouth; which is living proof that she has no brains, otherwise that would have killed her. Candy then slams the skull back into her mouth and gives her a fork and a knife. Fang proceeds to savage the turkey with the knife and fork causing turkey piece to fly right in Candy's kisser. We pan northwest to the other babyfaces not looking amused. I see Dave has ditched the glasses while reading. That is NO BUYS! So we cut away to Candy playing the piano as Dave reads chapter two which is dancing. Now this will be a riot to watch. So Dave and Fang are dancing...Oh wait; that came out so wrong, it's not even wrong: PUT OUT THE CLEANING GIMMICK! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hate this angle; but that was funny! She spins him around and smacks him right into the wall. So we scene change to Candy setting up a harp for Fang to destroy...ERR..I mean; play as Fang is sitting down on a stool with her spear. Chapter three is music; so Fang slingshots her spear off the harp (BOO! HISS! I wanted to see it get murdered by Fang!) strings and it flies out the window; and it slices the rope off a bell in the bell tower as Friar Tuck reject (the one ringing the bell) gets murdered by the falling bell. Whatever. Babyfaces are pissed off as Fang shrugs her shoulder asking What? That was annoying and the babyfaces agree with me because they are flustered in stereo. So we head back to the family meeting table with Fang standing on the chair looking so happy in screwing everyone and making Dave look like a complete idiot. Oh wait; that's so unfair to Dave! Dave can be a complete idiot all by himself, thank you. Candy calls this all hopeless as Oswidge appears with a sack proclaiming that they are missing one key to this thing: Bribery. This makes more sense than it should as he reveals them to be blueberries that sparkle; which is enough for the narrator to point out that sparkles equals addiction.
Now; the rules of engagement are simple: Fang acts civilized; she get rewarded with Sparkle Blueberries of Sweetness; because she is addicted to them you see. They are called fizz berries by the way; and Fang states that she wants them. So she destroys the table by eating the fizzberries; which causes the babyfaces to smirk at each other. So WE HIT THE MONTAGE as we REPEAT THE FOOTAGE; only Fang is being totally civilized. The turkey makes squeak sounds when she cuts the turkey; making it sound like a squeaky toy. That was amusing. She is given a bucket full of berries and she teases screwing on them; but they tsk her for doing it; so she cuts them with a knife and fork like a civilized person. Yeah; this is turning into Bubba's Big Brainstorm now (with a huge dash of Slaves To Fashion) ; only this episode isn't nearly as offensive as that one. So we get boring dancing as Oswidge rains berries on Fang which she is in glee over. Then we scene change to Fang playing the harp wearing a purple dress with a yellow daisy in her hair which contains a ruby in the middle. They then proceed to bury her with shovel fulls of berries as she is in a berry tomb. The narrator proclaims that the transformation from the addiction to berries made her tranformation too complete as she pops up and proclaims that she'll make the world in her image and then cackles like a heel; which the babyfaces are not exactly thrilled to hear. So we go outside the castle to a meadow as Fang sees some sheep; which absolutely disgust her. Yes folks; being civilized makes you into an uncaring snob. Where have I see this before? Oh yeah; Ducktales: Bubba's Big Brainstorm. Except; there are no laser spears and racist logic breaks. Yet. Fang hates naked animals; so we get the flip-flop scene changer and they are all wearing hats, capes, bows and skirts in the case of the right most sheep. So apparently; Fang hates nakedness; but has no issue of them being half naked. That's okay; I expected worse from Fang in this form.
So all the animals are wearing clothes including the horse as I wonder why they didn't just bring back Twinkle The Marvel Horse for the pink Marge Simpson hair doo spot with the yellow ribbon. I also see that Fang's fashion sense is the same as Gedo's. Which is fine because Fang is supposed to be a snob in this episode. A pig (dressed in red noble clothes) farts just before they pan over to Candy in shock that Fang is more civilized than her. Somehow; I thought Fang was more honest than Candy before this; and she's even most honest as a snob. So we see Fang pop up in bath gear as she puts a dress on a fish with a pearl necklace; which speaks saying that she looks pretty. I've seen far worse from Bubba than this; so it's not worth getting upset about anymore. Slaves To Fashion was better than this; but that was because there was another plot in the background while the foreground played out the "Gosalyn must be ladylike" (which is stupid because Gosalyn is much more civilized than Fang even in snob form) angle. So we scene change to inside the castle as Oswidge and Dave are playing checkers. Candy storms in and proclaims that Fang is completely out of control. So dressing up animals is somehow out of control? Dave disagrees with her and is so giddy to see Flappy dressed up like a blood red cab driver; which is funny. This prompt Flappy to blow fire in Dave's face turning him into a burnt match again. HAHA! Nothing makes me laugh knowing that Dave is all head, but no brains. Kajabbers indeed! Lula is bored again as Lady Fang walks in carrying a lavender umbrella calling her family vulgar. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Fang informs us that she created a moat in which Oswidge claims that they don't have one. So that was what Fang was doing when she was dressing the fish like a Wilma reject? I hope so as Fang points out that it's more of a feeding ground for bugs; causing everyone to panic. Of course; they are so F'N stupid that they run out and Dave gets a swarm of bugs trying to bite him. HAHA! Dave is running off as they get into his pants.
So we see the moat around the castle as Candy protests this outrage because Fang is supposed to hate bugs. However; since Fang has turned over a new leaf; she considers them as precious as she offers a green dress to a ladybug. I hope that is not a real green dress; because that would be cruel to the ladybug. Ladybug doesn't seem to care as we get Dave running and complaining about the bugs getting into his pants; which is funny. So the narrator decides to change to another angle as we cut to a bunch of mountains and we see in shadow a bunch of soliders with what appears to be trumpets. The narrator goes on and on about these soliders hellbent on destroying Udrogoth right now; and then we get a closeup of them and they are brown beetles with horns on top of their heads. They are basically Fang in insect form; and this has been booked really well in terms of making sense. The narrator also claims that they are as smart as the stuff you scoop out of the pumpkin. In my case: They stink so much; I throw up. So we head back inside the castle with Fang and her umbrella as she calls Dave much more civilized as we zoom out to Dave wearing the most awkward wearing blue minstrial outfit in history. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! David then tries to point out that he is not a girl. What does that have to do with you wearing that outfit you sexist moron? So then we see Fang blowing off Candy for failing to balance a book on her head. Okay; this sequence is so Chargeman Ken-equse. We feel the screen shaking; but there is no sound effect. I thought: What the hell? And then I discover that Candy has been squashed by a big ass book that she was balancing on her head. They are too cheap to do sound effects. Johnny Ass....ERRR...I mean "Test" did the same thing in the opening to their show when Dukey was smashing the guitar and no sound came out. This was fixed in much later seasons in the new opening they did; but this wasn't fixed in it's second run. This is something that would have been fixed in second run syndication in TaleSpin.
So Candy wants a smaller book (this is perfectly fine under the no male on female contact rule; since a book is an inanimate object and thus has no gender) as we see Oswidge painting which Fang calls civilized. Oswidge is perfectly fine with the painting part if the fumes didn't make him barf. Ah! So the paints are made of pumpkin pulp? We discover that he was painting the marching of the Bugle Beetles which is amazing considering that it's 90% done already; and we just saw them marching towards them from outside the window. Oswidge then catches himself and punches a hole through the painting realizing that the beetles are here to destroy Udrogoth. Do I care? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...nope. So the babyfaces come out as Dave wants to bail to get bug spray; but Candy stops him because they'll fight this annoying horn insects together. Fang blows them off and sits in an out of nowhere rocking chair knitting with blue yarn. See; she's a lady and thus does not fight. She makes sweaters for the naked beetles because she's civilized. So she has went from psychopath to scoiopath in this episode. What a dork?! So the beetles have somehow become 10-15 feet tall as they are ready to squash the indifferent Fang; prompting Dave to run in to defend Fang. Dave tries to bring his sword out; but Lula refuses to come out. We discover as Dave manages to pull the sword partially out, Lula's blade is covered in roses. Because it's civilized you see. This might be the only time in the series where this kind of spot was actually funny. Dave then claims that he's allergic to rose as his face is purple; gets swollen and he drops dead; causing Lula, the baston of "empathy" to call him patheic. She's a prick again! So one of the beetles is stalking Candy as Candy plays the lobster courage angle from The Day Teddy Meet Grubby; only this was a lot less funny. And she threatens violence...and delivers by PUT OUT THE HORN BEETLE! Well; no one should be surprised by this; she did the same thing in Shrink Rap. Candy wipes her hands clean and then gets MURDERED by a beetle and she crashes into the wall; and gets stuck in said wall. HA!
Oswidge comes in with the wand of failure and he creates a telephone, a yellow rabbit, and Napoleon as then Oswidge simply checks the manual which is in his robe; causing the beetle to do the Gruffi pose. So Oswidge finds the destroy part and gets his eardrums killed with a horn blast; causing him and Flappy to run away. So it's perfectly fine for Candy to get assaulted; but not all right for Oswidge to get nailed. Got it. So we go to the far shot of the castle as the narrator just goes on and on and on and on and on about this fight; prompting Dave to appear out of nowhere to speak into the hard camera that it has only been five minutes. Narrator blows him off as the dust clears in the background and the babyfaces are perfectly all right despite being surrounded by beetles. So the beetles asks if they are ready to be destroyed; so Oswidge tells them to wait until they finish their primal scream; as he counts down to zero. Then they scream loudly as we cut to Fang finishing a huge sweater for the beetles which looks awfully SWANK! She hears the screams and proclaims that the killer beetles are menacing her family; and must run in to save them. Sadly; she then is forced to resist because she is supposed to not fight anymore. Now; if I were booking this, I would have one of the beetles destroy the entire Fizz Berry crop, which in turn, causes Fang to snap and turn back to normal to kick their asses and win the day. However; this is Disney and that apparently is too boring for them that we need to do the conscience spot from every Hanna Barbera cartoon you ever saw and the Flintstones (they did it in Ducktales with Scrooge; and it flopped badly); and they argue like five year olds. Then they stop selling and ask themselves out for a burger; and then disappear out of existance. I am totally fine with this as Fang proclaims that there is one thing left to do: Rip off the girly clothes and threaten to squash the bugs while doing an evil laugh. Well; it was either her as a psychopath or a scoiopath; so I don't care anymore. The bugs panic because she is the great destructor and they all bail stage left....except for two beetles who question her size because apparently; they had to pad the running time and contradict the gimmick that they were dumber than pumpkin pulp.
So they charge at Fang who is standing next to a conveniently placed tower. She chops it down like a tree; it falls and crushes the beetles causing the babyfaces to cheer her. Candy apologizes for trying to change her and Fang leans on the tower not caring about this; which causes pieces of castle stone to squash her. Ummm; yeah. The babyfaces act like smarks in response to that spot as the narrator tells us that Candy is happy that Fang is back to normal...And then we get the ED: We head back to Candy's room as she is arguing with Dinky about the cutiest ministral again (JT, TJ, WHO CARES?); and then all three girls get squashed on the bed by three bugle beetles and Fang dropping on top of them; complete with squeak sound. Candy pops out of the carnage as she proclaims that she isn't going to change her; she is basically going to kill her. Fang panics and runs out of the castle AFTER HAPPY HOUR with Candy chasing her. They have their shadows chasing on the ramparts and over the castle wall; as the Barbarian song (no lyrics this time) is playing in the background to end the episode at 10:25. That was a fine finish and ending by the way; and the episode was solid for the most part with some really funny moment; but too many logic breaks drop this down to ** 1/2 (50%).
The Terror of Mecha-Dave: We begin this one AFTER HAPPY HOUR with lots of lighting bolts coming down despite their being zero clouds whatsoever. Logic? What logic? F*** Logic!! What has it done for me; but give me headaches? Anyhow; we head inside the castle as Candy has a fish clock in her hands while Dave is cross-legged on the floor playing with a green box that looks like a cross between a jack-in-the-box and a toaster. Dave is confused because Candy has ordered him to beat up Cheezette for giving her that fish clock. Yes folks; Candy is such a coward that she wants Dave to beat up a woman whose only "crime" is sending her a fish clock. What an cowardly asshole this Candy person is?! Why hasn't Dave disowned her as a sister? Answer: Because he's way too dumb. Candy throws away the clock (and it shatters like glass) as she wants cute things; implying that she is a rigid gender role princess. Dave's jack-in-the-box is a scale model of Udrogoth Castle; only it's broken because it's supposed to fly, shoot fireworks and sing "I'm a Yankee Doodle Barbarian". That made me laugh as Dave states that he needs a special gear to make it work. He suggests that Candy go shopping to find the best present to give to Cheezette in order to make her feel guilty about the crappy present she gave Candy. What the hell is wrong with a fish clock? I thought it looked adorable. If it offends you so much Candy; just give it to Dave. He would really like it and it's cute to him. Oh; and Oswidge wants fudge for the two of you who care about that sort of thing. Candy declines because she has mounds and mounds of paperwork to do because she's the interm queen of the kingdom while her parents kill evil. So Flappy, Oswidge and Fang join in as the narrator basically states that they are walking in the desert in search of a shop which sells this gear. This better lead to a payoff because if I don't hear the box singing Yankee Doodle Barbarian; this episode is horrible.
Fang complains about finding dumb cliffs as she notices an old man with a cane who looks like a zombie. He looks dead as a doornail; which doesn't stop Fang from calling him creppy. As opposed to Oswidge who is moving all right Fang? FACKING BULLSHEET! So she asks direction on finding the Cliffs Of Fabulous Shopping; which means Fang was right. Those cliffs have to be dumb to have such a dumb booking name. So the old man is still alive (or is a zombie) as he tells them that they must go through all of these areas containing monsters and heels who will tear them apart limb from limb and cleave their head off their lifeless corpse, more or less. This the guise of it since the old man talks too fast for me to get everything down. The babyfaces are cringing in horror against a dark blue background. And then he stops selling and tells them to take the shuttle which is simply a horse and wagon with about three wagons attached to each other. So the babyfaces all slink away like a bunch of guilty like fools; and get on the shuttle wagon as the old man laughs like a creepy old man, and it's not nearly as cool as Fang's. So we head into a small village as Dave calls this wonderful because he gets to mingle with the locals; which he calls people while waving and saying hello. The locals proclaim that he looks like some heel who came in here last night; and the barbarian fat guys stop the shuttle; grab Dave and then proceed to beat the living crap out of him. AWESOME! Complete with FCC FRIENDLY CLOUD DUST FIGHT OF DEATH; which makes it even funnier. Fang is half "YAY! and half "WHAT?" in her reaction as the driver uses the boot to kick the horse in the ass. The horse sells and drives away as ther babyfaces grab Dave and plop him into the shuttle wagon. The barbarian run after them for a while; and then stop to pump their fists in outage. Yawn. So everyone is pissed off at Dave for his bad poetry reading skills again as Lula zaps Dave at least three times with her zapping move because Dave is a total idiot who hates violence. Lula claims she's embarrassed; making her look like a prick again.
Fang wonders why Dave was attacked. Answer: Because Dave as a bump machine is funny; which is absolutely true. Oswidge then notices that they said last night; so he brings out the crystal ball which shows what happened AFTER HAPPY HOUR as "Dave" is crushing things and being a legit barbarian. Dave is panicking like hell; because he's not a monster. Which is true because he is such a coward. Oswidge claims that his crystal ball never lies; which of course means that it lies; but we have to CDS the episode because stupid always equals funny. Absolution: ruins even entertainment until everyone is fighting everyone else in storyline and in real life. So Fang thinks there is a ghost in there and wants to carve up Dave; but Oswidge blows her off and wants to imprison him until he snaps out of it. Dave is not liking his options; and he's half right. One of them is clearly ablest. So we head back to the Great Indoor Marketplace which is the sixth time in eight episodes this was referenced. I should note that I finally figured out what that fortune teller's sign sezs: Bogmelon's Slightly Defective Snacks & Notions. Yeah; she's a scam artist. She's Gert Bogmelon; which I love as a name for her (Lisa Kaplan does her voice and other than a cameo in Kick Buttowski and being Tino's Mother in The Weekenders; she has only five acting credits (debut: sound mixer for Underground USA and Permanent Vacation in 1980; acting debut: Breathing Room as Hippy Artist Girl in 1998. Most recent credit: It Gets Bitter in 2012.); 2 sound credits and one self credit (Hot Gay Comics in 2009) to her resume. She was also the Fairy Godmother in Happily N'Ever After in 2006.). I thought that the cloth on the hanging sign was for a new law; but Candy is more interested in getting a gift for Cheezette which Gert is the only one who can have this perfect gift. So Gert goes through her things (complete with screeching cat of course) to reveal a beaver used in shaving hair off of legs. Oooookkkkaaayyyy. She even uses them which she also has veins sticking out of her yellow legs. Candy looks like she wants to vomit as she hold her mouth in disgust and bails. Yawn. Gert claims that it works on armpits.
So we head to the stables as the narrator points out that she must head to the Cliffs of Fabulous Shopping; and in order to do that, she must call forth...wait for it...Twinkle The Marvel Horse. Twinkle is like Gunplay in the UWF. So he's flashing gold (because he is GOLD on the stick) as he is cutting the funniest awkward promo blowing off Candy for ignoring her and she stammers before blowing Twinkle off. Twinkle teases doing eye contact violence and actually does it; and then stops selling and sezs that he'll take her to the Cliffs Of Fabulous Shopping. So we head in the air as Twinkle cuts another promo on a dream he had done terrible things to a penguin with a mallet. In 1990; this would have lead to Twinkle admitting that he wore a Dave The Barbarian suit and uses rocks to crush the denizens in the village earlier. Candy is repulsed and admits that she's glad she got Twinkle out more. Then he should be in the main cast dammit! Have Twinkle replace Oswidge; he's useless anyway, and it's one less adult we have to hate anyway. Win! Win! So we head back to the shuttle as they go into three straight town and three straight times; Dave is getting his ass kicked off-screen complete with dust as apparently; Dave has thrashed four perfectly standing villages in a span of 24 hours. With no damage whatsoever done. Some monster this "Dave" is. So on the fourth town; Dave is driving the shuttle to safety which is kind of funny. Then he proclaims that he must leave them because he doesn't want to see them get hurt; prompting to Fang to point that the villagers have not even touched them. The only one who is getting beaten like a bongo; is the guy who cannot tolerate pain. Dave calls this a good point as he is in front of a conveniently placed rock. Dave then gets grabbed and goes behind the rock; then he comes back and cuts the most contrived promo in history which shows that he is not Dave. He is clearly a robot; and I know this because...Ummm..ahem...THEY GAVE AWAY THE DAMN PLOT IN THE DAMN EPISODE TITLE! At least in TaleSpin; they waited two minutes in before giving out the subtle promo that gave the plot away.
So "Dave" tells us that the reason the villages were attacked was that Chuckles built a robot version of Dave to kill everyone. This makes sense actually since the real Dave would cause a lot less damage than the machine version of him. Anyhow; Oswidge questions this as "Dave" actually knows where his secret lair is. Now; I know what you are thinking: How did he know about this? And if "Dave" is really Chuckles in a doopy disguise; why is Lula not commenting on this when she was with Dave WHEN HE WAS GRABBED?! This makes no sense! So Fang is happy and wants to kick Chuckles' ass (which is pointless because Chuckles got buried in five minute in this first appearance; so who cares?); and Oswidge agrees with it as long as he gets his fudge. Whatever; let's move on to the EVIL LAIR OF DOOM which is completely telegraphed and jackhammered to the ground as it's written in purple and pink letters: Evil Lair. Then we zoom out as I discover that it's in the middle of the Cliffs Of Fabulous Shopping. Geez; how convenient this must be? It's so convenient, the Backyardigans would point at this and say: Golly gee; that was mighty convenient. So we see the shuttle come in as the woman voice at the barrier tells the driver to take the ticket. He does as the drawbridge comes down and they go in; and of course, we need wall to wall comedy as the bridge slams into the door causing the babyfaces to take off-screen bumps which looks weak. HAR HAR! So we scene change to the babyfaces practicing the fine art of not being seen as they make it to the entrance; and we discover that it's merely a store called Evil Lair; in which Chuckes the Silly Piggy is working the counter and helping a customer, like a babyface. So yes; Chuckles has been reduced to comedy dork; and no one cares about him anymore. BAD! So the customer bails and then Chuckles proclaims that the babyfaces are doomed because of Mecha-Dave and pushes a button on the cash register as it somehow opens the dressing room containing the real Dave in an iron mask with Lula. Wait; so who's the other "Lula" with "Dave".
Chuckles laugh is still funny as usual as Dave is chained up; and Fang questions Mecha-Dave's contrived promo cutting and his love for wanting to kick ass; which Fang loves of course. So Chuckles teases wanting Mecha-Dave to crush the real Dave; but gets cut off by a woman who is wearing at least eight different pairs of clothing; but still manages to have a mid riff. She wants body armor and Chuckle tells her it's in Aisle 6 next to the accessory daggers. That made me laugh as the woman bails stage left; and we resume the "terrifying doom" of the babyfaces as ordained by Chuckles The Silly Piggy. Yeah; I'm so buying this character as a serious heel now. Ned is more of a threat than this loser. But at least he does make me laugh; so he's likable at least. So Mecha-Dave claims that Dave in the iron mask is the Mecha-Dave and wants to kick his ass. Fang and Oswidge agrees and for the love of life; get you head out of the gutter OSWIDGE! So Fang and Oswidge run in; and Fang bites Dave's leg as he screams. Sadly; no one cares that it's muffled because he hates pain. Oswidge turns himself into a frog. What a useless load?! Blah, blah, blah. So Oswidge writes on notepad to stop being an idiot; which he will forget in about five minutes. So Mecha-Dave comes in and somehow; Dave breaks free and blows everyone off because he's the real Dave; and he proves it by getting on his hands and knees; begging for mercy like a complete coward. That was funny! Then Mecha-Dave proclaims that it will do him no good; and does the exact same thing as Dave. Ummm; memo to clueless writer: If you have the fake say "It'll do you no good" before he mimics the spot; he incriminated himself as the fake! Of course; Fang and Oswidge have to pretend that this didn't happen; even though the contrived voice and lack of acting skills would have been enough to prove that the one on the right is Mecha-Dave. It's so obvious; but they have to make everyone stupid at the expense of logic to get a cheap laugh. You know what also makes kids laugh? Tickling them.
So Oswidge demands that Chuckles tell him who is who because this is cutting into his fudge time which of course he still hasn't got his head out of the gutter yet. Chuckles no sells of course and then laughs because that is one of the only great traits about this character that I love to death. Anyway, Oswidge brings out the magic wand and wants to destroy them both to make sure, because THEY'RE WITCHES~! Which is half true in fact as Fang tells him to stand down because he wants to see Mecha-Dave beat the living crap out of Dave. In this case; I love this! Dave getting his ass kicked over and over again is in fact funny. Dave says Kajabbers as Mecha-Dave teases murdering Dave; and then he stops because Candy has done a run in. I also forgot to mention that the woman with eight pairs of clothes returns asking for armor in teal; but Chuckles apologizes like a babyface; since they only has seaform and melon colors. Chuckles needs to turn babyface; because he has no heat as a serious heel. Or be a tweener. Same thing basically. Everyone is shocked to see her as Candy acts like a diva seeing that this is the Cliffs of Fabulous Shopping. Of course; their shocks is apporos because if you recall, Candy couldn't go shopping because she had royal paperwork stacked up on her table. This better play into the ending somehow; or I'll be disappointed. So Fang panics and talks at a 100 miles an hour; which for once actually works as a spot. Candy then picks the Dave on the left; which is of course the real Dave because he talks exactly like Dave. Dave cheers for joy as Chuckles demands to know how she figured this out and Candy states that she saw the turn-key in the back of Mecha-Dave; which Mecha-Dave turns around for all to see. How did they miss that? You can tell it's a logic break because Oswidge claims that it was a growth. Yeah; a growth that was key shaped. IDIOTS! Candy of course does the punchline on Oswidge being a frog commenting about his new hairstyle. So Chuckles proclaims that they are doomed even though it's five babyfaces against one heel.
However; he brings out the mystic amulet of something boar as it is basically a ruby with a crescent moon trim of gold. Dave is shaking like the coward that he is as Candy shows off a gear which she calls a bracelet. Huh. It's gear shaped, is that the special gear? Yeah; Candy doesn't care about Dave rightfully trying to sell Chuckles as a serious heel; because they already killed him off as such in the first appearance he was in. So Chuckles zaps some viking dummies and they turn into living viking dummies with helmets and spears; but no faces. So they stalk the babyfaces for a while as Dave gets grabbed by Mecha-Dave; who teases kicking Dave's ass. However; the turn key ends and Mecha-Dave wants Dave to turn him; which Dave turns the turn key to resume the beatdown. To which I reply: Of course! So Dave gets thrown into the wall and impacts it upside down. This suddenly makes Dave mad as he rushes the Mecha-Dave and drops him onto the ground. He rips the turn key out to reveal various gears and other such stuff. So he asks for the gold gear bracelet Candy has; and she no sells like a moron. So Dave simply steals it from her and thanks her for it; which pisses off Candy; as Dave puts the gear into the back of Mecha-Dave and reprograms it off-screen according to the narrator. So Mecha-Dave revives and walks towards Chuckles proclaiming that he has been reprogrammed to pound Chuckles into bacon mist...and got acting lessons too! How about that?! Chuckles is screwed as the amulet is flicked from his hand and drops to the ground. The Living Viking Dummies all crumble in front of Oswidge, Fang and someone else as Mecha-Dave grabs Chuckles and sling shots him into the wall next to the door causing a lot of fart and squeak toy sounds. That was funny as Chuckles panics and runs out proclaiming that he's too pink to die. That is the best line of the series ever! Mecha-Dave chases him out and that is that. A perfectly acceptable finish as Candy blows off Dave for screwing her out of making Cheezette guilty for buying her a lousy present.
Dave suggests buying fudge and that pisses off Candy; to which Dave replys that she buy it imported and that is enough for Candy to stop hating Dave. This is basically the Dark Ages Fairly Oddparents stereotype where the woman only cares about trying to hurt another woman's feelings by being a rigid gender role. I should also note an obvious logic break here: The amulet is on the floor; so why didn't Candy just pick it up? I ask this because that would make sense in the storyline; but we head back in the skies BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) with Twinkle The Marvel Horse cutting more awkward, fun promos with all the babyfaces riding him. So Flappy (who I didn't notice until now) is carrying the fudge in a net which looks like a large stone brick; which the narrator is trying to sell it as big as a goat. WRONG~! So Oswidge is angry because he turned himself into a newt; and Candy asks what is wrong with that. Oswidge claims that newts cannot eat fudge as Twinkle is still awesome as usual. Fang proclaims that she needs to get him out of the stable more as we see the ending shot of the shadows heading away from the hard camera; and the animation looks like bad Flash animation. Seriously. All I can say is: Get use to it guys!! That ends the episode at 10:03. This was a fun episode; but it's not enough to make me love it because WHAT ABOUT YANKEE DOODLE BARBARIAN?! They had a great setup and they failed to pay it off?! IDOITS! Logic breaks and random stupidity didn't help either; but what can you do? Call it ** 1/2 (50%).
THE REVIEW LINE
So this time around; there is not much to say. Both episodes were square in the middle in terms of quality. Civilization was around the same as Slaves to Fashion; but leagues better than Bubba's Big Brainstorm, so it was fine. I'm still not digging the whole concept of making tom boy characters more rigid than they already are; but at least Fang was a big enough psychopath to pull it off unlike Gosalyn so I was fine with it. Both episodes contained logic breaks and some really dumb booking. The Terror Of Mecha-Dave finish was contrived in that the babyfaces had to act stupider than pumpkin pulp in order to sell that they didn't know who Dave was; but thankfully Candy was there to point out the obvious, so I'm fine with that. Twinkle is still awesome and he needs to call himself "Gunplay" as a last name. I was also angry that they had a great setup for Dave's music box; and they didn't go for it. I wanted to hear Yankee Doodle Barbarian dammit! At least Dave getting his ass kicked was funny; so overall, these episodes were not horrible; just dumb and average. So; more Dave on Tuesday. HUZZAH! So....
Thumbs in the middle for both episodes and I'll see you all next time.