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Dave The Barbarian: Termites of Endearment/Thor, Loser
Reviewed: 08/02/2014
Thor Always Loses When Termites Of Endearment Is Invoked!
Moving along in the Natal Day Marathon; the next two episodes involve Dave fighting termites being controlled by Chuckles The Silly Piggy; while the second episode as Lula's sister arriving to rub it in on Lula being the worst nagger in the land. I like one of these angles and I'm dreading the other one. So; which is which? Let's rant on shall we...?!
Termites Of Endearment is written and story edited by Kevin Hopps. Thor, Loser is written and story edited by Beth Fieger Falkenstein. Beth has only four credits: This show, Mad About You , Party Girl and Working. Animation is done by Wang Films/Cuckoo Nest Studios.
Opening Moment #1: Castle crumble shot of the day shows a bunch of clothes on clothesline. If this is going to turn into something so yawn-inducing, then stop trying to do a spot just because you think you are better than Fairly Oddparents because you're coming off as a low-rent version of said show.
Termites Of Endearment: We begin this one outside of the Great Indoor Marketplace (and you thought having shows being in a school setting all the time was bad?) as we pan down to the entrance as there is an angry mob. BS&P moment: the guy who is using a battering ram to knock the door down, is channeling the air pirates from Plunder and Lightning when they used Mad Dog's head to try to open the door to the radio room. Here; the beanpole human being used here is going feet first; thus killing the comedy of the spot. Although nowadays; it is kind of a moot point. So we cut to inside as Candy, Fang and Oswidge are watching the door as they are not liking this at all. So why is the GIM closed you asked? Well; a shadow comes out from the store (it's obviously Dave) as he proclaims that there is no stopping the mob now, and then he gets all giddy because he thinks they are here for the grand opening of his new shop. Flappy comes out as well as Dave is so giddy about the denizens buying his assorted junk that he opens the door causing the denizens to rush right in and Dave gets squashed. Yawn. Fang grabs Dave and blows him off for being a barbarian who sells junk from his trunk so to speak. Oh come on Fang; can't a barbarian go legit once and awhile? Dave defends himself because he sells one of a kind junk. Of course he does; there's nothing ordinary about Dave! Fang blows him off some more because he sells useless things; and doesn't do more important things like smashing stuff and smashing some more stuff. Because he is supposed to be a barbarian, which means that he has to be a monster heel. Dave is gravely offended by this that he proclaims that his nick-nacks will save them all; and thus telegraph the finish well in advance. He also does the "may God smite me" promo; and the angry mob squashes him again. Then one of the denizens comes back and blows Dave off for having a grand opening in an empty store. Huh. So the writer decides that "Look at me! I can run the joke the ground like Seth Macfarlane" is the way to go; and so Dave gets run over three or four more times. Okay; that was sort of funny.
So the mob finally decides that this is too boring and leaves; as Lula's handle is damaged, so she sarcastically mocks Dave for trying to make new friends. So we head inside the store and the place has been cleaned out and ramsacked; prompting Dave to do the worst acting of "I'VE BEEN ROBBED" I have ever seen and heard. Dewey Duck from Quack Pack needs to sit Dave down to teach him how to be outraged properly; which is a bad sign for this show when I have to say that a Quack Pack nephew does a better job than this show, or any show! Dave then proclaims that he is going to MURDER the offender...by blowing them off, causing Fang to start thinking that Dave has finally become blood thirsty and loving it..to being pissed off when Dave just wants to blow them off. Yeah; she's a psychopath, what a surprise?! Fang then claims that Dave is a barbaric as a bucket of grandma; thus combining ageism and sexism all in one promo. I hope it was worth making yourself look like a bigger scoiopath, Fang! So Dave discovers a hole; causing him to point at the hole in which Lula calls the floor in a sarcastic manner. Dave pokes at the hole and it causes half of the Great Indoor Marketplace to literally split and collapse. Good; I hate this dump! Anyhow; Candy blows off Dave for breaking the marketplace as Dave goes Kajabbers. See; termites have invaded the marketplace, but Oswidge proclaims that they are really Vermites. Fang is loving this and wants to do some squashing; but Oswidge blows it off. See; vermites eat everything, and he means everything. Dave for once takes Fang's side in squashing these bugs, and then Oswidge proclaims that they eat humans as well. So Dave panics and tries to run away; but Fang grabs him by the yellow rope around his waist. He seriously needs to sell that as a nick-nack. Yip; this is exactly like Shaggy Rogers trying to run away; but Freddy Jones grabs him by the shirt in Scooby Doo, Where Are You?; right down to Dave screaming "LET ME GO! LET ME GO!". Sometimes; this show does annoy me in it's low rent inspiration.
Fang proclaims that his nick-nacks won't save the day; and it's smashing time. Ummm; did Oswidge just say that smashing them was impossible? Dave still admits that it's time to smashing despite the fact that Dave was actually justified in running because...ahem....OSWIDGE SAID THAT THEY EAT EVERYTHING & SQUASHING THEM WON'T WORK! STUPID! So Dave teases this and then tells Fang to look at the birdie and runs away stage right. Problem is that logic doesn't apply in this world; so Fang has teleportation powers and blocks the exit despite being to the left of Dave during her blowoff. They couldn't just have Oswidge poof her to the entrance and just show Oswidge blowing at his wand in smugass fashion. That would make sense at least. No; we have to do a montage of the aftermath of Udrogoth getting eaten to death by the vermites. Bees are eaten; the mountains are now at zero feet, pants fall down to reveal underwear with the message reading "I'm On TV!", and other such disasters that no one cares. However; what sets Dave off into action is that the vermites destroyed a frozen yoghurt stand. He even cuts a Braveheart promo in the process welding Lula; and so we scene change to the babyfaces walking in the forest following the stumps. Then we see the vermites nest which is basically a rock canoon inbetween two rock skulls.So Fang runs in with a stick to poke them as we see the vermites look like red ants as they eat the stick with ease. Fang then goes over to the babyfaces and basically asks how to defeat them if they eat everything. This is stupid because she just realized this now?! Why didn't she just grab a rock; which would at least get the message to Fang that they eat everything? Instead; she gives up. DUMB! Now the finish is obvious: Have them eat each other. That would kill most of them off; if not all of them! Of course; this is Disney and that won't happen, so we have to go convoluted. Dave goes on about nick-nacks and it's obvious that this is the finish.
At least in Rite Of Pillage; they did a good job of not drawing attention to the fact that Dave's penmenship was the finish, no matter how stupid this is. Fang tells him to shut up; which is apporos because he's telegraphing the finish anyway; but of course Fang is yelling because violence solves everything in her mind. So Oswidge brings out the magic wand to do magic; but they blow him off because Oswidge is a useless mage whose magic backfires. Of course; the real reason is because that would end the episode too soon. So we hit the flashback of Oswidge using his magic on a bug on a rock; and nothing happens as we zoom out to see Dave with a fly's head in the background panicking; while Dave's head is on the fly's body yelling for help, and he cannot get a small jar of peanut butter open. You got that? Good; because it makes no sense to me otherwise. So we return to reality (Yeah right?!) as both babyfaces involved in this incident are repulsed by that flashback. Join the club goofballs! Then from the top of the nest complete with bolts of lightning is the Dark Lord Chuckles The Silly Piggy mocking and taunting the babyfaces; thus he is clearly behind it. I don't understand why they need Chuckles for this episode because the vermites seem over on their own; but what do I know? Chuckles tries to gain heel heat by calling Fang a monkey; to which Fang blows him off. And then out of nowhere are a bunch of bananas and she loves them. Like I said: Then stop doing monkey spots! And she acts like one too; right down to the sounds. Dave notices this and asks Chuckles to settle a dispute with him on Fang's hate of nick-nacks; which prompts Chuckles to use the ruby amulet to fry Dave to a crisp. HAHA! So Chuckles wants to destroy them; and he wants to make sure that they get it by coming down from the nest which seems to have an elevator. So Chuckles is on ground level proclaims that the vermite army will destroy them as they come pouring out of the nest looking like tomato soup.
So the vermites come in; but Oswidge asks why Chuckles is with them. Chuckles basically calls this a good question; from Oswidge of all people. Anyhow; Chuckles admits that he made a pact with them exchanging 1980's video game systems for leveling all of Udrogoth. We discover that he loves glazed peaches and this sounds like something that was hastely added because Chuckles sounds really different in his response to the glazed peaches part. I don't what happened there; but anyway, Chuckles wants to build Duck LaGrove; which looks like a motel with a castle on top. That would actually be an improvement; so am I supposed to boo him for doing this. Heck; it wasn't funny. I would CHEER this moment because the property value instantly went up with this decision, thus making the babyfaces look so low rent. The montage for Duck LaGrove was much funnier than the model as we see mages playing tennis with golems, King Hippo from Punch-Out weightlifting with baskets of cows exposing their udders directly into the hard camera. Yeah; cow udders are fine, but penies are censored. People get disgusted by the udder spot for the wrong reason. It's not because it's obscene, it's because it's hypocrisy. An udder and a penis are pretty much similar in terms of physical look; although udders do a lot more than getting rid of waste. Golem bounces on the trampoline and I was waiting with baited breath to see him go through the trampoline and the floor...and damn I'm good. Here's a clue Kevin: You want people to laugh; then have him NOT go through the floor. At least then it would be: Man; that trampoline is tougher than Steve Williams. And there will be a coffee shop for heels to hold hands together in grace and harmony, which turns them babyface by default. Then the strongman and the mage clash with axes and wands spewing magic beams; somehow the mage doesn't win in this setup. What a shock?! So we return to reality as Chuckles is pining for that kind of amusement as he calls it paradise. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Dave is obsessed with knick-knacks; prompting Fang to step on his head and blow him off. So Dave tries to make a deal they cannot refuse; but the vermites cut down a tree and the tree MURDERS Dave and I laugh as it's unhurt since he sounds perfectly all right when he tells them to cue the fight scene.
In other words; they killed the creditbility of the finish as we scene change to the babyfaces running in to fight and Chuckles orders the vermites to attack and the vermites squash the babyfaces by eating spears, killing Candy with a vermite made hammer (of course she has to say that she is all right; which is consequence free BS), Flappy swings from a tree and does nothing. Then we have Dave hiding inside the tree and practicing the fine art of not being seen as he tiptoes away; but the vermites are not fooled, and we chase Dave around the world complete with a pointer telling us where Dave and the vermites are in relation to their distances. Then we get a few Scots mumbling so much that we need subtitles and none of the subtitles even come close to matching what they are saying. A lawn gnome is involved of course. The guise of this is: Dave breaks down the locked door of their house; and goes through the back wall. The vermites eat the house, the Scots say bummber and we cut back to the shot of the globe with the chase continuing. This is pure unfunny time filler at it's dumbest! So Dave returns to the forest and Fang intentionally trip him up and Dave falls on his face. The hole in the log is up and Dave shows his arm with a dog knick-knack in his hand making another deal to get the vermites to stop attacking him. The vermites no sell and murder him; thus killing any hope of the finish being good. Dave then notices that they ate the poor dog's head off; and he is now pissed off, which I cannot take seriously even if I tried. Chuckles proclaims that he has the queen of the vermites on his side as everyone is shocked and horrified when we get rumbling and a shot of the nest as more holes magically appear. Then we see the queen who is basically a small bug; although it's at least Chuckles' size. The babyfaces of course mock this; and then the queen comes out and she's about 20 feet tall and weighes about 1200 pounds. Even though she acted friendly when she first appeared. Chuckles has a fork and tells Dave to take it to eat his words. HAHA! Dave screams and bails to be cornered in the abyss pleading for mercy like a man with lobster courage.
So Dave panics as the queen vermite comes down and basically tells Dave that he must destroy him because it's nothing personal, it's just business. Dave is fine with that and then he notices a bracelet on her leg as the queen indicates that she made it herself; and she loves knick-knacks like that. Dave points out that she could buy more at his store and the queen proclaims that she knew about it because she ate it. She then produces dozens of nick-nacks; and talks about making nick-nacks including a stone version of the bobble-head puppy. That was great and yes, this is the finish in that Dave makes the deal and the queen turns on Chuckles; and Chuckles loses. Good finish; not so good journey to the finish though. Chuckles basically yells at the queen; the queen bops him and Chuckles gets buried deep into the earth. Deal is struck and Fang has the Gruffi pose realizing that she was wrong all along. See; not being a psychopath won the day and Dave did a great job making this work, even if there was a lot of sloppiness along the way. Fang hates him for this; but still thinks he did a great job and punches him in the arm; which Dave oversells as his tender spot. Whatever. So Chuckles smashes into the underground; and we see a kingdom ruled by the mole people; thus we add A Pup Named Scooby Doo; although these mole people aren't nearly as low rent. So the queen mole (Tress MacNeillie) makes Chuckles his prisoner and Chuckles makes an offer to create a gated community for heels; which the queen proclaims that she loves the way he thinks. So we head inside Dave's store as the denizens of Udrogoth are window shopping and looking around; buying Dave's knick-knacks as Dave and the queen vermite are happy as can be. Then Oswidge comes in to ruin this ending by doing his head switching spell on them; and now they have switched voices. Dave yells kajabbers and that ends the episode at 10:26. Fun for what it was; but really sloppy as well. *** (60%).
Thor, Loser: We begin this one we a zoom in shot of the castle and then inside the dining room as Dave has a piece of paper; and the narrator tells us that it's for Lula. Lula panics like mad as she proclaims that her sister Molly is coming to visit. Lula screams in Dave's face causing loose skin and bloodshot eyes; which does look funny. So then the screen freezes and the music stops as the narrator tells us that we need to start earlier, and so we head to a cave around 20,000 years old as this cave is called The Forge Of The Gods. So yes; you can still say god as long as it is not singular; which I am perfectly fine with. So we see Dedaleus forging something in a cave with a hot stove and an anvil. He pounds the metal into shape. So we see the various weapons and armor as they all have faces on them. The shield of virture which is a lame name. The spear of fate. The mace of truth which is a lie; and the spoon inquiry as it asks what time is it. Well; it's time for me to use you to eat oatmeal with, so there's your answer. So Lula is on the wall next to the hammer and the hammer is Molly; and unlike Molly Cunningham, she heels on Lula calling her a useless load. Lula proclaims that she wants to be like her; and I think she did since Molly is an unlikable cocky hammer. So we see two men hammering nails into wood; one of them is using Molly and succeeding; while Lula is being used as a hammer and she fails. One of the carpenters blows her off for failing as Molly declares that she's #1 and Lula is #2 as we get jump cut zoom in's on Lula chanting #2 in the background. She wishes Lula was #2, she more like -2 on the babyface scale. So we head back to reality (yeah right?!) at the castle as we are back in the dining room as the babyfaces are sitting down; while Lula sits in Dave's chair because she has called a family meeting. Lula informs us that Molly is coming and Fang demands that she not sleep in her bed because Fang got the sheets to smell the way she likes them. Lula claims that Molly is a giant pain in the hilt. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Psychological projection much there, Lula?!
So basically; Lula wanted to impress Molly by basically lying about the characters being a lot more monster over than they actually are. What a prick this Lula is? I'm not surprised Dave is confused over this since he's too dumb to dump Lula anyway. Fang realizes where this is going; and Lula admits that she told Molly that Fang is an elf; which at least is in the ballpark of accurancy. So Lula gives her an green elf costume; and yes, Lula can somehow bend her blade with ease, even though metal blades on swords are absolutely rigid. Unless they are fake; so she comes off as fake. Sounds accurate to me. Fang complains that there are no bells; and there is no elves without "Jingle Bells". So Lula tells her to say jingle a lot. Okay. Dave of course is not liking this at all; and he actually grows a brain in realizing that Lula is screwing them to save her ass. Of course; we all know watching Lula in action that what Lula wants, Lula gets because all she has to do is zap Dave into a burnt match to get what she wants. Oswidge is about to use his powers; but Lula decides to just give us the middle finger; as she will nag them to an early grave. In other words; the low rent Wanda whom was hired for the newest episodes of Fairly Oddparents. That if course enough for the babyfaces to give up and do what she wants. The narrator pretty much sums up the plan for us as we cut to outside with Lula and Molly (yes; no setup introduction to her coming after 20,000 years of separation; she simply shows up) in lawn chairs getting fanned by a leaf while wearing shades in stereo. Molly of course doesn't care and keeps dissing the castle, weather and Fang's lack of jingling, which Fang sounds so mad, she does it anyway. So Flappy arrives dressed as a dragon with big dragon hands and big green fangs to simulate green blood. Flappy looks somewhat scary; but it's for the wrong reasons. So we get horrible acting, horrible selling and horrible exposing of the business by the babyfaces. Molly of course is not buying this crap; because she is smarter and basically justifying everything she said about Lula; except for the #2 part, it's more like 2 billion and that's a ballpark figure at best.
Lula looks like she knows that she is done for; as Dave asks about another line. So we cut to inside Candy's bedrom as she does the hard sell on the various kingdoms and princes who she claims love her, which is a lie. Molly isn't buying this either as Lula has to explain that her word (of lies) has spread far and wide; thus the kingdoms are far away. Molly sells it; but no sells the eyes as Oswidge comes in dressed up in a lion suit on all fours. More bad acting, more exposing the business (lion is humanoid now in a span of thirty seconds) as Dave murders Oswidge out of his lion suit showing off his underwear. Oswidge flies through the doorway and drops down the stairs off-screen screaming in pain. Molly has the look of not buying what Dave is selling; which is a lionskin. So we head outside with the denizens cheering a horse carriage containing Lula and Molly as Candy and Dave wave to the crowd; while Fang of course has to play horse. Memo to Fang: Just sing Jingle Bells; I don't think it has been copyrighted. Yet. So Fang notices a stone with a face on it; so Dave rushes in and somehow, Oswidge arrives for no reason. More horrible acting and antics; as Candy basically calls this the phoniest enemies ever. Hilariously; this is AFTER Molly was starting to admit that Lula isn't so bad after all. So Dave is face to face with the stone monster of doom which is a real stone monster. Dave then proclaims that he's fake; and the monster is real. So the rock monster (who looks like a piece of luggage) asks if he could find one; and Dave gives him directions which are basically 11,000 miles away from a fountain. The rock monster thanks him and bails as Dave wipes his hands clean of it. Hey; he got rid of the monster! Like a babyface. Dave is actually getting better; and of course, Molly isn't buying this anymore while Candy blows their cover that they have been screwing Molly's mind all along. So Molly demands answers to this outrage and demands that Lulu come clean on this. So we head to the dining room inside the castle (because apparently; doing it in public is wrong); and the narrator sums up Lula in one sentence: A big fat liar. HA!
So Lula admits that everyone was faking it and basically tells Molly to mock her and hate her. Molly simply just tells her that she has a family who loves her; and she's perfectly fine with just that. Yes folks; they did the finish right then and there as Molly admits that she wants to stay for up to 10,000 years because she ran away from...wait for it...Thor. Yes; because the episode title has the word Thor and by gods; we have to deliver on the promise of Thor's appearance. Dave is panic striken because you do not piss a god off (god reference #2 of this episode; thus god is still allowed in DTVA at this point) because Thor can make you into a smear on the earth just by looking at them. Lula is asking if Dave is making a point, as if this was nothing to her. She's Molijir of course and Dave proclaims that a god turned someone into a green trash can as we hit the flashback to a trashcan with a face on it as a woman dumps a sack of trash into his can so to speak; while he is acting like a sexist. Whatever. Molly assures Dave that he's fine unless he can read notes; which he can't; unless it's a map and long story short: This promo is designed to make Dave say kajabbers about a half dozen times; and is basically out of the Family Guy playbook with the doctor saying horrible things will happen; and then the payoff is that they are horrible to trivia things. Sometimes it's funny; but Seth of course drives it down into the earth, so they become annoying at best and sadistic at worst. So the roof is stripped off and we see blond haired Thor who is about 20 feet tall addressing himself as apparently; Molly left a trail of breadcrumbs. If this was an attempt to make Molly into a bigger asshole than Lula; you failed. God count up to four now as Candy calls him a major hottie; and what right do I have to argue with her? So Thor wants Molly and the babyfaces point at each other; and Molly blows her cover again telling him to do his worst because they are not afraid of him. Dave points out that she is a liar (ah; I wondered where Lula got her lying from); and Candy wants to give him some entertainment with a hanky; but get zapped in the most contrived manner possible. BS&P RULEZ you know!
Candy tells Dave to kick his ass because she got killer static electricty; which is more excitement from her than I have ever seen from her. A tornado gets involved of course as Dan tries to run away; but is consumed and thrown into the wall in that order. Yes; because this is just what this episode needs: More windbags! Lula floats up somehow and blows off Thor for being a horrible bully. Cue laugh track! There is so much psychological projection in that comment that my irony meter was fired, melted, burned and clobbered to death in that order. Thor of course blows her off for this use of projection; and he is upset because he's a wimp. Molly comes in and blows him off for being insensitive. I don't know who is projecting the most in this triangle: Lula, Molly, or Candy. Either way; Thor is upset that Molly thinks this way; and Lula asks how he feels. So Thor turns into a normal human being sitting in a chair as we basically have a marriage session with a shrink. Yeah; this is the damn finish to this episode; just accept it. So they talk for awhile; I don't care. Thor is the only one that has any babyface heat, and he's the one who comes off as the fair one, despite the fact that it was supposed to be written as if Thor is the horrible god mistreating Molly. Thor apologizes away and it sounds more than honest enough that even Lula has to concede that Thor is telling the truth. Molly decides to go with him anyway; and she lies about admiring Lula after all the setup being that Molly was mocking her. So; the entire story setup for this was a fib on Lula's part; and she is a lying asshole. Thor grabs Molly; and waves goodbye, promising to give the money for fixing the roof and flies off. Everyone waves goodbye; except for Lula who has no hands as she is beaming. The narrator proclaims that Lula has gained the respect of Molly; and no one cares what Molly thinks. Point taken there sir. So everyone looks tired and asks Lula if there are any more sisters. Ummm; hello? The storyline showed that there was a brother shield, brother spear, brother mace and a brother spoon in the mix. The answer has to be: No sisters; but my brother is coming to visit.
But no; there is a knock on the door, and the family answers it to reveal a yellow trident with a face. She broke up with Neptune; the god of the sea and she has luggage. The family blows off Lula and Lula claims that she is a cousin. The babyfaces slam the door in front of Lula; leaving Lula and her cousin hanging there and we then fade to black. So we sit down in front of a stone wall with Thor and Flappy. Why? I don't know! Flappy spits out a single thunderbolt and Thor calls it so boss; proving that it takes absolutely nothing to amuse him. Okay; that ends the episode at 10:26. This was short and sweet because there was nothing of note other than unconvincing acting and a lot of dumb stuff that lead to a dumb finish that I couldn't get behind because Molly and Lula are so unlikable; that Thor is the victim in this whole thing. Otherwise; dull, boring and heatless. * 1/4 (25%).
THE REVIEW LINE
We got a mixed bag of shorts this time around. Thor, Loser was basically a load of nothing and I didn't care about it. They rushed Thor into this entire thing with no build and no setup. Lula came off as a big heelish liar and Molly wasn't much better as she came off as an honest unlikable heel. Plus; we were supposed to hate Thor for bullying Molly; but the reality was that Thor came off as the least heelish of them all and was the sympathic character in the story. The marriage consueling session ultimately came off as pointless and everything was stuck together with chewing gum. Otherwise; this was dull and boring. Termites Of Endearment was pretty fun and it did have funny moments at least; however, they pounded the finish down into the ground before it was needed just to make Fang look bad. Dave was great in this one; and he won without making him look like a heel, so good one writers. Chuckles was Chuckles and sadly; he once again looked cooler than the babyfaces, and ultimately lost once again. At least they didn't bury him in one sense; while burying him literally into the ground. Overall; one short was above average and the other one was boring and Lula is now worse than post-Poof era Wanda if that was humanly possible.So....
Thumbs in the middle for Termites Of Endearment and thumbs down for Thor, Loser and I'll see you all next time.