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Dave The Barbarian: The Princess & The Peabrains/Horders & Sorcery
Reviewed: 08/19/2014
Time For The Peabrain Olympics!
All right; it's time to finish up the entire television standard first 13 episodes of Dave The Barbarian. YAY! So today's lineup features Candy ditching her duties as interm leader to do teenager stuff while making Cheesette and Dinky run the kingdom. All this is going on while Chuckles is teaching his redneck nephew Knuckles to be evil despite Knuckles wanting to be the "Harvest Hog". Then we have Fang lying to Dave about going to a hat show when she wants to sign up for the Mongrel Horders and be a real barbarian soldier. So how do these episodes do?! Let's rant on shall we...?!
The Princess & The Peabrain is written and story edited by Earl Kress (returning from Ducktales!!). Horders & Sorcery is written and story edited by Billiam Coronel. He began his career on Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson in 1990. Then it's Platypus Man in 1995 as a writer; followed by The Parent Hood, Men Behaving Badly, The Tony Danza Show, Brothers Keeper, Pound Puppies 2011 Edition, The 79th Annual Academy Awards, Family, Louie (as himself) and Immigrants (L.A. Dolce Vita). Teacher's Pet is his DTVA debut. That's it. The animation was done by Wang Films.
Opening Moment #1: Castle crumble shot of the day: A Gedo fashion sense rollercoaster. Okay; that was funny for some perverse reason.
The Princess & The Peabrains: We begin this one with a vomit colored background with a golden book called "Tradition". Which means that this is already dead. So we get a shot of a family eating pasta and meatballs without their hands, ala Lady & The Tramp. Slurp, slurp, slurp indeed! Then we get a woman backhanding a susuage yelling at it like it will not amount to anything. Then we see three jackasses with blinking sound eyes. I would love to see that study on how using sounds to blink eyes is somewhat related to kids laughing. It would be a laugh riot to be sure. So we get a shot of the coat of arms (which looks like nothing of course) and then we pan down to the throne with Candy slumped on it; because she has to hear complaining every month. I have a complaint: When can I expect Candy to get a personality transplant? Candy yells directly at the hard camera claiming that this is a pain in the neck. Speaking of pains in the neck...Candy is yelling and screaming that her dumb friends are outside having fun, and she can't because it's complaints day. Man; 24 hours seems like forever in the mind of a teenager. Second; the World Wide Spiderweb doesn't have e-mail features? If not; no wonder this era sucks! Lula comes in and blows her off because life isn't all fun and games. Then we get a spot where somehow the random humor was actually funny: Flappy comes in and spits out a toaster which pops toast, causing Flappy to do be so happy afterwards. Lula claims that this is the message for Flappy agreeing with her. Either this is the funniest lie I have ever heard since Molly Cunningham in It Came From Beneath The Seaduck; or the funniest random humor I have seen in years. Either way; I have no beef with this. So Oswidge and Dave bring in the denizens from the hallway as there are about ten of them. Candy decides to hear their complaints while acting mean; and we hit the "Funnier if it had Spongebob's narrator" title card. So a denizen complains about his cow being stolen and Candy points out that the white cow with brown spots is in the room out of nowhere. The gray old man with droopy hair calls it his sister which gravely offends said cow.
Why yes; the cow showed off it's udders in plain sight?! So male penis is bad; but showing udders is perfectly fine. Just remember that for your BS&P classes today. She puts on a hat with a purple daisy on it and storms off. At least they didn't make the poor old man suck the udders, that would have been a lot worse. So we get the TITLE CARD OF DOOM with clock ticks. The curly haired denizen with the green hat is gasping and holding her breath while saying that the taxes are too high. She then breathes out and there is a tax man with a box that reads "Air Tax"; and the denizen puts a dime into the box because the Air Tax is 10 cents. This is supposed to be a joke on the conspiracy that if given enough stroke, the government will tax the air they breathe. I has heard it in a lot of Op-Ed and letters to the editor in newspapers during the late 1990's and early 2000's; but no one has successfully done it, because it's unworkable. And measuring it with inexpensive devices are impossible. No one is stupid enough to try that crap; not even dictators. So eight hours later; a orange haired girl in a blue tunic and sandals (she must be an uptown girl in this kingdom) on Candy's lap wanting toys including a pony. Now I smell a great joke coming with this: She gets the pony and it's Twinkle The Marvel Horse, Twinkle cuts the promo, girl cries and wants to get off. That should be what Earl should book here; but of course not. Strom The Slayer does get a mention here as Candy is daydreaming complete with the child corrupting balloon of doom of a drawing of Candy on the throne talking to sockpuppet denizens. Candy actually looks like she has more grace looking cross eyed like that I should note. Blah, blah, blah! We split screen the balloon to reveal Cheesette and Dinky dancing with BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! Then she daydreams that if Cheesette and Dinky were on the throne; Candy dances with BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! Candy then gets up and the kid is bounced out of sight and we never see her again. Dammit! I would her to deal with Twinkle Gunplay! Candy dances around because there is an obscure law that allows Candy to force her friends into this thing.
All I can say is: Oh why not?! It's not like she didn't execute that law earlier putting Dave as the ruler of the throne for 48 hours. That law is not all that obscure sir. So we scene change to Candy, Cheesette and Dinky on the throne (with Candy's friends on the railing, which I feel so sorry for the one on the left since Cheesette is supposed to be really fat) as Candy's friends are so loving this. Dave proclaims that this is so sweet to see Candy and her friends together again. I wish Dave would try to sing that song. It would be worth with in spite of the lawsuits that would soon follow. So Candy gets up; tells us that she is going out to get her eye brows waxed, and bails. Lula sums this up so nicely as she calls Candy sweet as a snake. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So Oswidge opens the door to reveal the angry mob of doom and two of them are holding CROSSES right in plain sight. One of them does have a red cloth; but the silver one is clearly a Christian Cross. YAY! One has a pitchfork; but he's uncool now as the narrator proclaims that Candy is having the time of her life, which means that we HIT THE MONTAGE! Candy is waterskiing wearing a banana yellow two piece swim suit with purple daisies on it as she is waterskiing with a whale that looks way too excited to be doing it willfully. I'm guessing that this is Moby Dimple's son or daughter from All's Whale That Ends Whale. So yes; Candy got to surf a whale after Kit rescued the father of the whale. Never mind; let's move on. Then she goes shopping (another appearance of the Great Indoor Marketplace; which I want to see burn to the ground at this point) while doing the "bigger than her body weight" spot with the present. I was hoping the presents would screw her and crush her in that order, but it doesn't happen. She then dances with the boy; and the Walk Ministrial makes his second appearance on the show! Sadly; no Fang to show up to murder the lute. Then we see Candy unicycling on a rope juggling stuffed toys: A dog, a pig and a bear. The narrator is so stupid that he just doesn't know what it is even though it's clear in what she does. It's called Stuff Juggle Unicycling! Okay?
So we head back to the castle and we HIT THE MONTAGE for Dinky and Cheesette because we need to pad the running time on this episode! So they have never played Jenga in their lives and take a paper from the bottom; causing the pile of paperwork to bury them in a paper tomb. Then they go into a restaurant which apparently is this world KFC; where the building crushes them into a KFC tomb. I would say that the inspection failed; but I doubt it. So then we get a classic logic break: We scene change to inside with Oswidge on a clipboard with a blue feather pen. Off-screen; Cheesette and Dinky are according to the narrator, chaining the lions. Wait; WHAT? So they have lions in this castle? So Dave never considered to use them as the guard beast? So they never considered using them against the barbarians and Chuckles? How did they get those lions? How can be so stupid to not use them? This is why random humor sucks; because kids with half of a brain could figure out that this makes no sense. And they have at least FIFTY lions as Dinky is trying to get Cheesette popped out of the lion's mouth. I realize that the gimmick is that this kingdom is stupid; but this is getting really absurd beyond the pale. It did have one good moment in this: Cheesette gets popped and both her and Dinky fly and drop on their asses on the carpet in front of the steps leading to the throne. Dinky proclaims that this stinks (speak for yourself Dinky! Or Cheesette. I wish that they would say their names at each other, so I can end this confusion). Anyhow; Cheesette (or Dinky) notices that her necklace is gone and runs in; and gets her body stuck in the lion's mouth again. That was funny. So we scene change to a bunch of bones in a dearly section of Udrogoth; and then pan over to a cave called "Evil Lair" because we have to jackhammer the point home that the heels live here. Then a lot of bats fly out of the cave in a really neat spot that demonstrates that Toon Boom is the future of animation regardless of what the old farts think. We then cut to Chuckles on the throne looking semi-scared as his mouth quivers. The narrator proclaims that Chuckles is facing the gravest thing of them all...
...his silly nephew. I knew this before it happened because I read the summary on Wikipedia. His nephew is wearing blue jeans, has out of control growing front teeth and is wearing a star on his forehead. He is also about ten times taller and ten times heavier than Chuckles. Basically; he's the pig version of Patrick Star. The narrator addresses him as Knuckles The Silly Piggy; which is only half true. It's more like Knuckles The Dumb Piggy; but whatever. Knuckles wants to make small talk; but Chuckles blows him off for whining even though Knuckles didn't whine during his promo. So yes; Chuckles hates Knuckles which is no surprise to me. He looks like the most moronic redneck with out of control teeth. Basically a redneck Patrick Star. So the guise of this is Chuckles wants to turn Knuckles into a monster heel according to their family tradition, so at least this episode is staying on topic. Knuckles doesn't want to be a heel; he wants to be the harvest hog which shocks and appalls Chuckles. Then we HIT THE DREAM SEQUENCE as we get a full length promo on The Harvest Hog which is basically a pig version of Santa Claus only with cheese colored suit, hat, green furry scarf, a hoe (HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) and a sack of goodies. Then we see the kids jumping up and down in a really contrived fashion as I discover the pony girl with the orange hair is wearing brown leather shoes and not sandals; so she's a lot more uptown than the other girls who aren't wearing shoes. They get squashed with presents that make fart sounds as the Harvest Hog dances in looking like a goofball. Meaning that this is the perfect role for Knuckles. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Chuckles grabs onto Knuckles who I discover is wearing badly worn jean overalls. So he is a hillbilly as Chuckles tells him that there is no such thing as the harvest hog because it's a myth. Knuckles is relieved because the job is now open and he dances right in front of a mad Chuckles. HAHA! Chuckles brings out the amulet saying that he must hurt him and he zaps Knuckles into smoked ham. HAHA! See; this relationship actually has good heat going here, figurally and literally.
Knuckles is voiced by Brian Posehn and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Posehn began with guest appearances and mainly small roles in TV shows. He was on 28 episodes of Mr. Show with Bob and David (1995–1998), a sketch comedy series on HBO. In a 1996 episode of Friends, he delivered the manuscript in which Joey Tribbiani's soap opera character "Dr. Drake Ramoray" is killed off. He appeared as two different characters in NewsRadio: a fan with questions for Jimmy James at a book reading (1997), and a member of Dave's a cappella group "Chock Full o' Notes" (1998). In the Seinfeld episode "The Burning" (1998), he played a patient, when Kramer "was given" gonorrhea. His character was instructed to "act out" to a group of medical students how a surgeon left a sponge in him post surgery. Posehn also wrote the Space Ghost: Coast to Coast episode "Cahill" (1998) with Ben Karlin. He appeared on 29 episodes of the NBC series Just Shoot Me! (1999–2003). He played the voice of Jim in Mission Hill on the WB (1999–2002), and Del Swanson in 3 South on MTV (2002–2003). On an Adult Swim production, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, he voiced the Wisdom Cube in the 2003 episode "The Cubing". Posehn performed the voice of Gibbons, a tiny man, on several episodes of the Cartoon Network's Tom Goes to the Mayor (2005–2006). He also appeared in the 2005 pilot for The Showbiz Show with David Spade, in a segment called "The Nerd Perspective", in which he gave a scathing criticism of MTV and its declining quality. He also played a mortician in several episodes of Comedy Central's Reno 911. He was featured on the 2005 documentary series The Comedians of Comedy on Comedy Central and Showtime. He was in a 2007 episode of the improv series Thank God You're Here on NBC and was a celebrity judge on the revived 1970s game show The Gong Show with Dave Attell (2008), on Comedy Central.
He co-stars on The Sarah Silverman Program with Steve Agee as a gay couple who is friends with Silverman,[7] and also wrote the season three finale "Wowschwitz". He played himself in the episode "Spagett" of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, appeared at the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget, played the role of a physically disabled man (Scooter Man) in the second season's premiere episode "Slip of the Tongue" of Californication (2008), on Showtime, and played Dethklok's second manager in the Metalocalypse episode "Dethsources", he also wrote the episode "Fatherklok". In 2007 he joined the first season of the MTV sketch comedy series Human Giant, as a writer and performer, and voices Glen Furlblam, the biggest fan of Dr. Two-Brains on the PBS Kids animated series WordGirl. In 2012 he co-wrote the fourth season of Metalocalypse. Movie appearances from Posehn include the 2003 comedy film sequel Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, Grind, the 2005 Rob Zombie horror film The Devil's Rejects, Sleeping Dogs Lie, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, and the 2007 animated feature Surf's Up, where he played Glen Maverick. Posehn appeared as himself in the 2007 documentary Super High Me starring 'marijuana comedian' Doug Benson, the 2008 documentary Nerdcore Rising about MC Frontalot and in a supporting role in Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic. Posehn voices the character of Murray, a robot, in Rob Zombie's animated The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. He also voiced the character Hayashi in the English dub of Pom Poko. In 2002, Posehn appeared on Comedy Central Presents, followed by the release of 2005's The Comedians of Comedy, a documentary/live special chronicling a 2004 small-club comedy tour he participated in. The film was followed up by a television series on Comedy Central of the same name.
Posehn's debut comedy album Live In: Nerd Rage was released in 2006. He participated in the Comedy Lineup of the 2008 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, which included Louis C.K., Janeane Garofalo and Zach Galifianakis. Posehn performed as part of the Rock N' Roll Comedy set with Jim Norton and Michelle Buteau. During his 2008 routine on Comedy Central Presents he referred to his Wikipedia article, which he supposedly vandalized.[8] In 2010, Posehn released his second album Fart and Wiener Jokes. In 2011, Posehn agreed to perform at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Some of his fans criticized this decision as being "not metal".[9] Posehn countered that "getting a paycheck is metal", and expressed respect towards the Juggalo fan culture, as well as the independent music success of Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records.[9] In 2013, Posen released his third comedy album and first DVD, The Fartist. In 2006, Relapse Records released his first album, Live In: Nerd Rage.[10][11] It includes "Metal by Numbers", a song mocking bands that term themselves "metal" but are clearly not.[12][13] The instrumental tracks feature musicians such as guitarist Scott Ian (of Anthrax), bassist Joey Vera (then of Anthrax, but also of Armored Saint and Fates Warning), drummer John Tempesta (of The Cult and White Zombie), and lead guitarist Jonathan Donais (of Shadows Fall). Posehn also appeared in the Anthrax music video for "What Doesn't Die". Posehn appeared on a Season 4 episode of the music talk show That Metal Show and Lamb of God's Walk With Me In Hell DVD, and performed "More Metal Then You", a song that was included on his non-musical stand-up comedy album Fart & Weiner Jokes, with "Brian Posehn's All-Star Band" on the 2010 Revolver Golden Gods Awards. Posehn appeared in The Damned Things music video for "We've Got A Situation Here".
He provided backing vocals for Evile's album Five Serpent's Teeth. Posehn has provided voice work for video games Brütal Legend as The Hunter[14] and Star Warped as co-narrator Brian.[15] Posehn has also voiced Grunts and various Marines in the 2004 video game Halo 2. Posehn appeared in the commercial "Ink Fairy" for Staples office supply store in its ad campaign featuring the "Easy Button." In 2006, Posehn co-wrote the comic book The Last Christmas with writer Gerry Duggan, published by Image Comics (ISBN 1582406766). In April 2009 Posehn hosted the first American "Golden Gods Awards" for metal music hosted by Revolver Magazine. As part of the Marvel NOW! initiative Posehn and Gerry Duggan are co-writing the Deadpool ongoing comic series which launched in November 2012, illustrated by Tony Moore.[16] Since 2012, Posehn has hosted a podcast called Nerd Poker, where a group of comedians play Dungeons & Dragons. Co-hosts include comic book writer Gerry Duggan and comedian Blaine Capatch, among others. His acting debut was on Trashed in 1993 as Greasyboy in an uncredited role. Dave The Barbarian is his DTVA debut and only known appearance (I got the name from the ED by the way). Uncle Nick as Uncle Nick is his most recent credit. He has 99 actor credits, 18 writing credits, 2 producer credits, 5 misc credits, and 57 self credits to his resume.
Chuckles steps on Knuckles shoulder and tells us that it was Chuckles' father Buckles the Silly Piggy (so everyone in this family rhymes with -uckle. Okay.) who sent Knuckles to Chuckles in order for Knuckles to turn monster heel. He threatens to bite Knuckles' ears if he fails to become a monster heel; so he demonstrates by biting the ear of Knuckles and doing zero damage whatsoever. Knuckles completely no sells this; but still tells him to stop biting. Chuckles stops biting his ear anyway. HAHA! So Chuckles paces around as he wants to start the training by conquering Udrogoth and humilate Dave The Cleaning Barbarian Of Laughs. Earth to Chuckles: Dave does a great job of embarrassing himself, thank you. Chuckles stand on the back of Knuckles' neck and it's turn to conquer Udrogoth as Knuckles runs out of the cave. Chuckles laughs his ass off as only he can; but the cave exit is a low bridge and Chuckles crashes into the wall and bounces onto the ground with a squeaky toy bump; as only he can pull off and have it be funny. Chuckles rubs his head and proclaims that he bruised is little piggy headbone. HAHA! So we head to the Great Indoor Marketplace (Hey Chuckles? BURN THAT PLACE DOWN FIRST!) as the narrator tells us that Candy's freedom is not going according to plan as we see Candy looking glum. Bogmelon shows up asking what is wrong and Candy doesn't feel like shopping anymore; causing Bogmelon to panic, as she calls this a crisis. Well of course it is Bogmelon, she's the only one willing to buy your defective items and notions. She bails and Bogmelon returns with a stool (NOT THAT ONE!) and gets on it asking what is wrong. Candy proclaims that she feels oogly leaving Dinky and Cheesette on the throne to do all the work that she should be doing. Couldn't you just rewrite the law to ban Complaints Day; or just move them to once every six months? I just realized how stupid the obscure law is now. I mean; Candy is the interm queen of the kingdom; so it's well within her duties to pass such a law. And really; who wants to pass complaints to some unlikable queen like Candy anyway? It's just asking for trouble.
So Bogmelon deduces that she has the gulities and Candy should apologize to her friends for being such an uncaring asshole. Candy has the Gruffi pose and thinks that might work; and then Bogmelon drags her away because we need more shopping. So yes; Candy is having second thoughts and Bogmelon has screwed that up making Candy look like an asshole. I don't know why since Candy can be an asshole on her own without Bogmelon's help. So we return to the castle as Dinky and Cheesette are fed up with Candy's duties because they are boring and awful. I would say that now they know how Candy feels; but it was Candy who thrusted them into this; so I now have total sympathy for these two. And then I realize that I have been wrong ALL ALONG! Dinky is the fat one in red/yellow duds and Cheesette is the tall, skinny one in green/orange dud. This is like naming a white guy Mr. Black and the black guy Mr. White in Johnny Test. So Candy comes in with her bags and actually apologizes to them as Cheesette claps her hands and turns on Candy by calling the guards (because they have figured out how to get back at her for this) which actually come out of nowhere and grab Candy. Cheesette proclaims that Candy is going to be locked up in the dungeon BABEE! Yes folks; Cheesette and Dinky are much more effective rulers than Candy is..who is the #2 babyface of the show! Dave, Fang, Oswidge and Flappy protest this outage and the girls simply order more guards to lock them up in the dungeon as well. Wow; just wow. This must also be payback for Candy calling them her dumb friends all these episodes too. So we scene change to the babyfaces being escorted to the dungeon with one of them dragging Flappy by the leg. Candy cannot believe this is happening and Dave agrees with her because he didn't even know they had guards. Even though we saw guards talking with Candy IN THE VERY FIRST EPISODE! STUPID! So we head outside the castle with Chuckles, Knuckles and a catapult. Knuckles asks of the catapult is used to deliver presents to children and Chuckles blows him off as it's not; calling him Puppethead. Ooooookkkkkkaaayyyy.
Chuckles then catches himself and changes his mind as it is to deliver presents for children. I love this; reverse psychology is always great to use against rednecks because they are either immune to irony or have contempt for it. In this case; it's immune which is even better. So Chuckles sets up the catapult and tells Knuckles to wait until he is in the bowl of the catapult and then cut the rope. Stop with the eye blinking sounds; they are not funny! I would rather have fart sounds when Fang stomps on someone because at least it sounds believable as a laughable sound effect. So Chuckles climbs towards the bowl of the catapult and then a dark skinned cheese haired barefoot child wearing a cyan blue tunic and a pink hat comes over and starts making small talk with Knuckles; calling him a scary pig. Knuckles calls himself the harvest hog and asks what present to give. The kid wants some rope (I'm guessing it's used to skip rope); and Knuckles grabs the rope, snaps it and Chuckles goes flying into the air and does the BUMP WITH CHEESE AND BACON head first complete with squeaky toy sound. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The kid walks away stage right and we never seen him again. Although I said that about the pony wanting girl on Candy's lap; and she returned for the Harvest Hog promo; so take this with a barrel of salt. So Knuckles asks what Chuckles is doing and he proclaims that he is looking for truffles. So Knuckles unpops him from the ground; and Chuckles lands on the ground and starts to pace around proclaiming that they must get into the castle somehow. Knuckles then has that "a clock tells time correctly twice a day" moment as he asks Chuckles why he doesn't use his amulet and make a big hole in the wall. Chuckles literally stammers like an idiot while the camera zooms in; and then he proclaims that he hates Knuckles so much now, then he takes the amulet and zaps the castle walls creating a hole. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The best part is; he actually made a hole with access into the throne room where Cheesette and Dinky are bored out of their skulls. They think the peasants are revolting.
Ummm; no Cheesette and Dinky, no peasant is smart enough to revolt unless Dave introduces culture and wacky laws. Then they simply catapult out of the episode. So then Chuckles runs in and screws up his promo causing him to bail and then return to correctly cut the promo that he's invading Udrogoth. For a second there; I thought he was going to send in Knuckles. Knuckles comes in on his own as Cheesette and Dinky bail like scalded dogs because defending the kingdom is Candy's job. Yeah; they threw Candy in the dungeon and forgot that one detail even Candy would have noticed. I think the "dumb friend" accusation is in fact accurate. Chuckles laughs as only he can and sits on the throne with the red pillow and it farts. Then we get another random moment as Chuckles gets off the throne and lifts the pillow to reveal a baked pie. At least he didn't scream pie in our faces like in Fanboy & Chum Chum, so it wasn't all that annoying. It wasn't funny. So we head inside a prison cell with all the babyfaces as the door opens wide; and Cheesette and Dinky run in; throw their crowns at Candy's feet and bail like the cowards that they are. Candy is pissed off of this because they quit just when the forces of evil are invading. Yeah; it's usually typical with drunks with power, although the irony would be completely lost on Candy. Oh; and the pigs smell like feet; which is funny in it's own way. So then we head back to the throne with Chuckles sitting on it; and Knuckles is in Harvest Hog mode dancing and singing. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! At least Chuckles has the perfect fool in his newly conquered kingdom; so that is actually an improvement. He turns around and Knuckles asks where the children are and Chuckles proclaims that he sent them out to be polished. Awww; that is so generous of him. Seriously; I mean it. So the throne doors fling open and in come the babyfaces; in a six on two advantage! Lula calls Chuckles the Stinky Piggy (PAYOFF! Not.) as Chuckles laughs and holds up the amulet like only he can. He zaps the ground around the babyfaces and makes a pointy sharpy cage to trap them.
Yes; six babyfaces against one small heel and they got trapped in 15 seconds. Knuckles comes in and demands to know where the children are as he grabs Chuckles; because he's the Harvest Hog see. Chuckles really blows him off this time because he's not the Harvest Hog and they are here to do evil and heinous stuff to the babyfaces. That makes sense to me; and then Candy notices that Knuckles wants to be the Harvest Hog. Candy then calls for Knuckles and informs him that she has a child in mind; and it's Fang who doesn't look thrilled to be in this role. Knuckles of course having the genes of a bigot and Chuckles; he calls her a monkey child which Fang blows off. So Candy claims that she wants the mystic amulet; so Knuckles steals the amulet from Chuckles and then does the greatest skip to my lou I have ever seen. Knuckles is literally the second coming of the Ultra Cool Sidekick Toadie from Gummi Bears. Chuckles tries to push him back; but Knuckles is ten times bigger than Chuckles, so it was an epic fail. So Knuckles gives Fang the amulet and yells at Oswidge to get them out of here. Oswidge turns the amulet on it's side to reveal a button and pushes it to release the cage. Knuckles is so happy that we break logic again: Knuckles dives out of the hole in the wall (and it's BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset)) and gets stuck despite having at least six inches of clear space to go through. Earlier; he came in without any issues whatsoever. Yeah; Chuckles is screwed as Candy is ready to murder him with the amulet as Chuckles stammers; and then dresses up in a Harvest Hog hat and calls himself Knuckles' assistant. Awwww; my heart melted! Chuckles runs out of the hole in the wall and prances around with Knuckles as they go out of sight. Of course this is 2004 Disney and the writers cannot let a funny scene go without stupid random humor as the narrator claims that there are bear traps which they don't see (and we don't see; so this was added in post of course; because Disney execs have no self confidence.) and they get murdered off-screen. Whatever.
So we return to the castle and here's the ending of this episode: Candy is sitting on the throne about to pass judgement on Cheesette and Dinky for high treason; and she teases it as the end of these two; but then gives them the two boyfriends from the beginning of the episode. Cheesette and Dinky are shocked and amazed by this because they threw Candy in the dungeon. Candy gets up and admits that she deserved it because she took advantage of them; and asks for forgiveness. Hey; if you are going to bribe them with BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! what rational response can you give? Fang is not amused by this because the other babyfaces were also thrown in the dungeon and Candy proclaims that she'll make it up to them by making them princesses. YAY! Owidge, Dave and Flappy are going to cross-dress! Sadly; they did not as they just wore the crowns and are not liking it because the episode ends at 10:26 with Flappy, Fang, Dave, Lula and Oswidge inside the stomach of a lion with a toothpick. What a shock?! This was a dumb episode and Candy was bad as usual; but Knuckles and Chuckles being awesome with the Harvest Hog more than made up for it. *** (60%).
Horders & Sorcery: We begin this one with a children's version of a countryside with old fashioned music IN THE DARK AGES~! Then a blond haired puppet woman with a male voice (giving it clear away that it's Dave which I am wrong on because Dave was sitting with Fang during this puppet show) wearing a blue dress in a state of panic as a purple monster puppet comes out to terrorize the woman puppet; then up pops a barbarian puppet and it kicks the monsters' ass and drives it below the stage. The woman puppet is overjoyed and the curtain comes down with a sign that reads "Mongerl Hordes" in green letters. Frank Welker does the announcer voice. This was funny in itself; and then I realize through Fang's love for smashing stuff: This is an army recruitment puppet show for the Mongrel Hordes. Yes; even in this world, they are using children's playthings to get children to become child soldiers. Fang loves it and Dave is crying because the poor purple monster got hurt; even though the monster IS NOT REAL! Dave cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality and Disney admitted it as such. Never give bullets to your opposition; they'll just shoot you and then thank you later for being stupid even though the moral guardians' IQ is slightly lower than their opposition. So Fang checks around and notices a booth for a recruitment into the Mongrel Hordes; prompting Fang to jumps onto the table in front of the long nosed thin barbarian with a fur tunic yelling at him to sign her up. The guy laughs and proclaims that she is too small. This prompts Fang to do some karate moves; but the man simply blows wind into Fang's face and she oversells it so hard that she takes the stunt monkey bump into something off-screen. She gets back up as the man explains that they pay by weight and he'll lose money if she alone is recruited since she wants big guys. Fang suddenly turns around with a smile and sees Dave pushing up a jackass behind a basket to reveal what clearly is a diamond, but Dave calls it a shiny seashell.
Yeah; no one in this show can draw a seashell properly even in the Nickelodeon style. That is a bad sign right there folks as the man is so happy he accepts Fang with a handshake. Yeah; this is distressing. So we head to a wild western style barbarian bus which is basically a horse and wagon with the wagon shaped like a bus and colored in military colors. So we see various would be barbarians as we see Dave looking like a dog in a car panting with his tongue sticking out as Fang lied to him that she is taking him to the hat show. So we are basically doing a mean spirited version of Gruel & Unusual Punishment now. Dave chants that "we are going to the hat show". Someone please MURDER Dave's ass! It is so long overdue. So we ride into the Mongrel Hordes' Boot Camp Of Doom; which is roughly the dark ages version of Bedevilled Island. Slicing scene changer as everyone gets off the bus and I swear the denizens here look like guys who are going to a boot camp doubling as a fat farm. Dave looks from the bus and he's all giddy because he wants hats! He searches for hat in about a half dozen scene changers with the new recruits wearing hats. Yes; Dave is looking for hats; including being upside down hanging on the camera; despite the fact that in half of the scene changers, they were wearing hats. Just to show that Dave is a gosh darn idiot. So the recruits are order to stand and salute their drill master of doom and everyone stands up. All but Dave salutes because he is reading a Comix book; because comics is copyrighted for some reason. Allegedly. The drill master is known as Drill Warrior Grougce by the way; which is no wackier than Colonel Slammer. Grouce goes to a thin man in the army suit and he basically calls him worthless, weak and other debasing language while the guy cowers in fear. Earth To Drill Warrior: WRONG WEAK, WORTHLESS COWARD! Hint: He's reading the Comix book. Then he welcomes them to the Hordes Boot Camp and walks away. Fang then realizes that her cover is blown as Dave looks at her and demands answers to this outrage. In fact; he wants to know if she tricked him into this mess. Ummmmm...maybe.
Then we get a really funny flashback as Fang has lied to Dave before about the hat show; to make him go into an arena with tigers! Take one guess who is the meat of this setup. Tiger wrestling indeed! One of the tigers growls and then we return to reality (no, not really). Dammit! I hate them teasing horrible things to Dave and NEVER paying them off. Who do these writers think they are; on Nickelodeon or something? Fang then admits that she lied to him, thus looking like a slimy heel, which she is no Gosalyn Mallard in. She explains that she wanted to join the army...ERRR...I mean, Mongrel Hordes since the puppet show; but she was too small. Dave points out that the puppet show was this morning and hates this idea because he hates pain and is a coward. Oh come on Fang! You cannot be serious in telling us that a mere puppet show influenced you to sign up. I betcha you wanted to join all along well before this and just used the puppet show as an excuse and a lawsuit if you failed and turned into a monkey ball...
Fang: NOT A MONKEY!
Gregory: THEN STOP DOING
MONKEY SPOTS!
So yeah; get serious Fang! Dave is not liking this; so Fang basically tells him that after this, she'll take him to the hat show. Anyone with an IQ of 12 or above would have seen this coming and blow off Fang for crying wolf and birbery. Nope; Dave claps his hands and is giddy about it. I betcha if Fang cried wolf; Dave would probably save her even after she lied about eight million times. Which would be funny in a sadist level of humor. So Grouce turns around and blows off his half-baked recruits. Fang rushes in and salutes Grouce and Grouce has zero idea where Fang is; and the moment he turns around to see her, he mocks her for being too small and she's been thrown out apparently. So then he goes over and blows off the best of the guys for being skinny, fat and smelly; and then sees Dave waving hello to him. Suddenly; he eyes go wide and he's so happy to see this muscle freak of nature who hates pain and is a coward who hides behind a monkey. Yeah; no wonder this kingdom is so screwed up because Grouce is stupider than even Dave himself. All my respect for this horde as badasses is gone now thanks to this scene. Dave likes the hat and then Grouce invokes the WINDBAG SCREAM OF DEATH into Dave's face and demand he give 5,000 pushups right now while insulting him with the funniest insults I have ever heard. Oyster-something something I think was the insult. Anyhow, Dave does the pushups with ease and Grouce realizes that this guy might actually be good. Don't count on it Grouce, I'm watching another montage of Dave doing pushup variations and I'm yelling: "GET ON HIS BACK YOU MORON!" Sadly; it doesn't matter because Dave is doing one finger pushups while reading a comic book with a rock, wagon, a hay house, a pyramid, a cow with his udders exposed and a horse on his back. Grouce is angry because Dave will not break you see. Make him fight a mouse; that'll make him submit and pay off the opening sequence. Grouce proclaims that he thinks Dave is tough; which I laugh at. So Grouce wants to break him down and rebuild him into the perfect warrior. USE THE MOUSE YOU MORON!
So Fang butts in and wants to be trained as the perfect warrior; but Grouce mocks her again for being small. Fang gets into Grouce's face because she's mean or something; and Grouce grabs her and decides to call Fang's bluff and actually test her. So we HIT THE MONTAGE as we get the most embarrassing thing ever and this isn't the spot I was offended by the way: She cannot win a tug of war with a cat who is 1/10th the size of Fang. Fang gets thrown away by said cat. Next up: Swordfighting. I am so not buying that Fang cannot win against a cat 1/10th the size; nor not able to pull out a sword. Then we see a blue butterfly land on the hilt of the sword and manage to pull the sword out. Oh my god! This is just a complete and utter burial of Fang. And for what: a cheap laugh? No one is going to buy that Fang is a psychopath badass. She's merely a psychopath now. And the Low Rent Amobea Boys return to PUT OUT THE PSYCHOPATH! Now that was funny; I will admit. He is even using the hair which is supposed to be a no-no in children's television. Fang gets her head in the sand after the TAILSPIN OF DOOM; and Grouce tells her to read his lips that she is too small. And how can you argue with that...when she couldn't pop a sword from the ground...BUT A BUTTERFLY COULD! Fang pops from the ground as Dave does his pushups still because he's a goofball. Suddenly; Fang discovers something new to her which is...wait for it...A Krackpotkin plan! Yeah; she finally joined the idiot club after all these years. Dave cheers for this moment as we then scene change to Fang writing letters to Malsquando. You know; that wizard who easily kicked Fang's ass and then got hogtied by his own beard and made to lick the floor of a restaurant in Sorcerer Material? Lovely; we need a Fang/Malsquando feud in which both sides have ZERO heat at this point. Basically; she uses reverse psychology in the letter in that she doesn't want Mals to attack the boot camp with his evil minions; and there is a lot of treasure at the camp. She signs it and looks like a slimy heel; which again, she is NO Gosalyn.
By the way; I should point this out while we scene changer to Malsquando reading the letter and seeing this as a dare: Grouce has green smelly fingernails and he claims that Fang cannot squash a bug which Fang is offended because she's the king of squashing bugs. Doesn't she mean queen? Oh never mind; she's right about being awesome at squashing bugs, so much so that the bugs have to bribe her to not have them squashed. Malsquando sees a bunch of monster ants playing cards and asks them if they are all right with this because he loves stuff. I see that he's as prone to being distracted at shiny objects as Gunther is. So we head just outside the camp AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Malsquando has his hordes of ants and Fang arrives at the front of the camp with a giant fly swatter cutting a promo. Like I'm taking this one seriously. Neither is Malsquando as he doesn't care either. So he orders the three bugs to attack and Fang leaps into action as she clobbers the ants with her fly swatter as the narrator points out that she is the master of squashing bugs. She murders all three bugs and then is ready to MURDER Malsquando with the fly swatter. Suddenly; I have this perverse feeling of wanting to see Malsquando take this bump; but Mals whistles and about three dozen ants come down the cliff. Fang, the master of bug squashing, sezs "uh oh" and bails like a coward. So we scene change into the mess hall with all the steroid freak barbarians eating with their hands as Grouce has punished Dave with kitchen duties. Worst...move...ever. Dave comes in with a chef's hat showing off a plate of cookies; and Grouce screams in his face because he's not supposed to like it as he is cracking under pressure from Dave's babying promos. Awww; my heart melted. Fang comes in gasping and stammering like a total doofus as we discover that the ants are potato bugs. Grubby is gravely offended about a million miles away. Everyone except Grouce and Dave bail on cue in opposite directions. Dave bails to check on the potatoes au grautin. This better figure into the finish; or this writer is a terrible writer who has no concept on proper booking of finishes.
So the babyfaces come out as Malsquando cuts a promo on them and Dave comes out with the CHEESE POTATOES OF DOOM and yells kajabbers and bails into the mess hall. Fang yells at Dave and Malsquando wants to get this over with by nine because he doesn't want to be cranky. Apparently; he's not cranky right now. So the bugs run in and then we get a classic "I don't care about logic as long as the kids laugh moment": We see Fang bashing the potato bugs again after she ran from them earlier in the fight. Now I know what you are going to say: "But Gregory; she had to do this to prove to Grouce that she can do this!". Fine; except: Why not just bail when Malsquando first appeared and yell for help, and then come out and squash them? This makes no sense otherwise. Grouce tries his Candy karate moves; but he's not cool with the club, so the ants bring out the sticks and he bails dodging them. Then Fang bails like a coward yelling for Dave to join in; and Dave channels Launchpad from The Golden Fleecing in Ducktales. I swear to god this is what he did. So Fang gets cornered by Malsquando and the potato bugs. At least this was more believable than in Teddy Ruxpin since it's 36-1 in favor of the heels. Malsquando then taunts Fang by calling her a monkey a half dozen times and only once did Fang get gravely offended by it. Yeah Fang; Strom The Slayer was one heel; you're not so inclined to kick Malsquando's ass when it's 36 on 1; advantage heels. Fang jumps and the potato bug goes into the wall of wood and does no damage whatsoever. Yawn. Fang jumps into the window in the mess hall onto Dave; and yells at him to help her. Dave and Fang notices a pile of potatoes; and at least the writer has some clue what the finish will involve. Fang screams into Dave's ear that potato bugs eat potatoes. I'm just going to pretend that -- this took a minute for Dave to epically fail to grasp this concept -- never happened. So we head back to Mals as the potato bugs have surrounded Grouce and Mals asks for any last words.
Grouce claims that he only regrets not seeing Udrogoth, and Malsquando shows that Udrogoth Castle is about 100 yards away...CHRIST THIS SHOW SUCKS SO MUCH COCK SOMETIMES! And a flush toilet gets flushed because it just has to be a fart joke. Grouce is not amused; so Malsquando senses victory. Out comes Dave and Fang with a pot of potatoes au grautin and for once in Disney's live, they actually booked the finish correctly and paid off the joke properly. Unlike When Mice Were Men in Rescue Rangers where Dale called the bull Lemon Pio; and the finish was suppose to involve Dale getting his payback using lemons; but it was Supermouse Monty doing a complete and utter burial of the bull. Even if he buried the guy; at least pay off the lemon joke which they didn't. So Malsquando mocks this and Dave jumps into the air (which should be impossible for him; but he's a coward so...) and dumps the potatoes au grautin on Malsquando. Potato bugs eat the living crap out of Malsquando, Malsquando flees and that is that. It's predictable; but the finish makes sense with the storyline. I hate it when people hate shows for having stuff come a mile away claiming that they want something new. Listen; I don't give a damn about sweveres and if you want to be entertained, you shouldn't either. For one: (a) every show is inspired by other shows (even Gargoyles which was a cross between Gremlins, Batman and Gummi Bears. Hell; I conceded for years that TaleSpin was basically a 1990 take on 1930's serial pulp material crossed with Studio Ghibli material. The best shows often take the most obscure material of the time and make it mainstream so that we would want MORE of it.) and (b) no one cares about twists UNLESS THE TWIST MAKES SENSE! When you do a twist for the sake of a twist; most normal viewers change the channel and say: "This twist sucks!". When the twist makes sense, then you get a maximum reaction to it. Doing a twist moment (start, middle, finish, ending) is a very risky thing; and if you do it too many times without making the twist make sense; viewers will stop watching.
We want great entertainment that makes sense; not twists just to please a small minority whom think only twists are entertaining. And you certainly cannot support a company on original twists that make no sense alone. Besides; most kids probably are watching their first cliches anyway, so it's not a bad thing as long as you don't overuse them nor use them and that don't make sense. So yeah; the potato bugs turn on Malsquando; but the best twist to this is: Malsquando loves this recipe and wants Dave to mail the recipe which Dave agrees to. Malsquando then tries to order the bugs to kill them and they no sell about three times as out of nowhere bibs come out which have the picture of Malsquando on it. That is good twist writing because it makes sense. I should comment that Malsquando's twinkle toe running is also quite funny. So Fang brings out the hand and wants to shake hands with Grouce. Grouce takes out his hand and ignores Fang completely and praises Dave. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dave has this evil smile on Fang as Fang runs in to protest this outrage. Now; if I'm right, this should lead to Fang kicking Grouce's ass; but it doesn't sadly. So they look at Fang (please stop with the blinking eyes sound effect!); and then they walk inside leaving Fang hanging. Then Fang plays the sexism card right on camera; which in 90% of the real world; this would be totally accurate, but not here. Fang should have known better than to lie to Dave that they were going to the hat show when they were not. So we see that Gruffi pose from Fang and then scene change to Grouce painting the sign to include cooking classes. And we get another classic moment: The color of the paint in the bucket and on the paintbrush was purple. When we see the sign in full; it's FREAKIN GREEN! So we get cooking and Grouce tastes some alfredo sauce which is slimey green. Grouce spits and calls the recruit an oyster-nosed graglehead. Even though the guy has a carrot like nose. It's supposed to be bunny-nosed garglehead. So we see Fang in front of the piles of potatoes doing the Gruffi pose and tapping her foot.
Okay; so at this point the narrator asks if Fang has accepted her fate that she is too small. Fang blows it off and she can prove it too. Now; if she wanted to get her heat back and pay off the "This camp has woman issues" line, she should just go over and murder Grouce and his carrot nosed buddy. That way; it's violent, but she gets her heat back at least. But BS&P rulez and no one cares about Fang getting buried; so Fang calls in the Amobea and it goes over to Grouce and it PUTS OUT THE DRILL MASTER! That ends the episode at 10:26. What a stupid ending that was and did nothing to regain Fang's heat! Then again; I'm guessing the writers felt that there was no turning back, and decided to have the amobea come in to pay off the joke of being too small. Even though (a) Fang was small enough to do it herself, (b) this would pay off the sexism issue throwaway line Fang used and (c) the amobea is not returning for future episodes, so why would you use him? Except for a cheap laugh even though it would be funnier and better if Fang got her heat back. Sure; it would make the montage earlier not make much sense, but that's their fault for burying Fang with this stupid stuff. So the finish was great; but everything else sucked. * 1/2 (30%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; the quality of the episodes sure dropped fast didn't it? The Princess & The Peabrains was the usual stupidity and Candy's apology was hallow at best. However; it was mostly above average thanks to Knuckles the future Harvest Hog. The Harvest Hog angle was awesome and his interactions with Chuckles were wonderful. This episode probably would have been better if it didn't feel overwritten like so many episodes in this era. Seriously; did we need bear trap spots after one of the funniest exits in this series? The ending wasn't even good; this was all on Chuckles and Knuckles carrying this episode kicking and screaming. As for Horders & Sorcery, this episode seriously reminded me why this episode sucks as they did a complete and utter burying of Fang. This was two episode after I ranted on Fang's best performance ever in the series and this might have been her worst. They buried her deep into the ground; just for the cheap "She's too small" laugh; which was sadistic at best. The subplot of writing to Malsquando and bringing him into the picture was actually funny in a perverse way and I loved the finish of potatoes being used to defeat Malsquando because it made a lot of sense even in a completely nonsensical episode. Then they buried Fang again by booking the ending to having the amobea kicking Grouce's ass (who did get funnier as the episode went on) and not Fang doing it to get her heat back. Thus; Fang is now worse than a mere psychopath who was a badass. She's just a weakling with no hope of me taking her seriously. Seriously; she couldn't win a tug of war with someone smaller than she. Then a butterfly unpops a sword. We are supposed to laugh at this?! It makes no sense at all; particually when she can rearrange Dave's face and body with ease in OTHER EPISODES! When I was watching Slay What?; my reaction at the end of episode was "Why did I hate this show in 2005?". After seeing this episode and Princess & The Peabrains to a lesser extent; my reaction was "Oh; that's why?!". So stupid. So this weekend coming is the return to Mighty Ducks, and in Dave's defense: Even though Horders sucked a lot, it's still better than two of the three Mighty Ducks episode I last ranted on. I'll return to this show with three episodes (I'm going shopping on the day after Labour Day by the way) on Labour Day weekend. So....
Thumbs in the middle for The Princess & The Peabrains (almost all that for Knuckles and Chuckles), thumbs down for Horders & Sorcery (thumbs up for the finish though) and I'll see you all next time.