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Dave The Barbarian: The Brutish Are Coming/The Lost Race of Reeber
Reviewed: 08/16/2014
The Clear Race Of Reebor Are Coming!
So we have reached the halfway point of this tedious show that can be fun sometimes; and next up we have Flappy killing everyone while Oswidge has more facial hair than me somehow. Then Candy hates charity and Dave dares her to stop being an asshole; leading to Candy being forced to get a lost race's kingdom back from barbarian who use the Vanish spell from Final Fantasy VI. YAY! These shorts do sound promising at least. Let's rant on shall we...?!
The Brutish Are Coming is written and story edited by Kevin Hopps. The Lost Race Of Reeber is written and story edited by John P. McCann. Episodes are animated by Wang Films.
Opening Moment #1: Castle crumble shot of the day: A white suburban house. Which probably has a white courtesy phone inside too.
The Brutish Are Coming: We begin this one in the village of Udrogoth with the denizens walking around filling baskets and handling axes. In the background; there is a denizen who looks like Chuckles The Silly Piggy wearing a green Flintstone tunic and a triangle hat with goat horns on it. So some woman runs in screaming because someone terrible is coming; and everyone hides in the house; which includes a shop keeper who folds up his booth into a big box and gets inside it. The narrator proclaims that the most terrifying sight in the world...is Oswidge coming in with lots of nose and ear hair. Whatever sir. It's easy to be offended by Disney's attempt to tell us that ugly people are creepy and scary; but there is only so much of this I can take before anger becomes pointless and it's clear that they are doing it to make me look bad, so I won't bother. It's just another fart joke that doesn't catch; but of course it's to show off a barber shop which specializes in nose and ear hair cutting. His name is Ian; and he's more compelling in his job than Ian doing camera work in Being Ian. Ponder that one for a minute. So we go to some street corner as there are at least 34 streets in Udrogoth. In a village that has about three paths at the most. Yeah. There is an oracle on 34th street wearing cheese colored robes, hat and has bells on his hat and hands; so I'm guessing that he is one of the Ding Dongs in WCW. So basically he comes over to Oswidge and whispers in his ear; somehow managing to get through all that ear hair, to make Oswidge do fart sounds and other assorted faces which weren't all that funny. Then Oswidge panics, swears in dubbed anime style and then bails to warn everyone inside the castle. So we see the babyfaces inside the dining room eating except for Lula being propped against the wall smiling. Flappy is doing nothing of course as Oswidge runs in yelling that the monsters are coming; and then asks about the ham on the plate; but Flappy swoops in, eats it and flies away. Whatever. Anyhow; the guise of this promo is that tomorrow afternoon; brutish monsters will visit the kingdom and do...what? Oswidge doesn't say of course because he's stupid.
Candy screams and Dave panics. Candy screams not because a bunch of brutish monsters are coming tomorrow at noon to do something horrible to this kingdom; it's because Oswidge has enough hair to knit a sweater. It's in the genes; therefore she can get it too as she looks in the mirror and orders Fang and Dave to take care of the problem; because she will be on hair check 24/7, and then leaves. Yeah; what a way to chicken out of her responsibilities as the interm leader of the kingdom. Lula sarcastically sums this up for me and then threatens sword violence on his ear hair as Oswidge is picking the hair out of his ears. Meanwhile; Dave tries to sneak to the door; but Fang cuts him off and blows him off for running away. Fang has a point there Dave; Oswidge hasn't explained why the brutish are coming for them. I'm guessing that the finish is: the brutish come and throw a party for the babyfaces making Oswidge look like a paranoid old fart. Dave wants to send them a postcard of good will; so Fang gets in his face and pulls the bottom of his eye sockets to blow him off because you smash monsters see. The skin snaps back as Dave blows off Fang for doing the Gruffi pose; and asks why he has to be a violent barbarian. All Fang sezs is "cause". Not "because"; just "cause". Dave asks why and Fang responds by saying "cause". Rinse, lather, repeat. In other words; Fang doesn't have a reason, let alone a justified one. Psychopath!! Oswidge runs in and threatens to turn them into spoiled lunch meat with his wand. Now; Oswidge is such a useless load that his threat should mean nothing; but they apologize anyway. It's in such a way that I cannot buy them doing this in an honest manner. It's Oswidge we are talking about! If Oswidge had said that he'll turn himself into spoiled lunch meat, then the apology would have been funnier. Oswidge yells about soggy something and then bails poking his fingers in his hairy ears. Yawn. Dave wants to compromise and they'll do it both ways. Sure why not? Fang shakes on it and then psyches him and thus gets first dibs on it, which means we do it her way because Dave yells "Darn!" while snapping his fingers.
So we cut to a wall with a green background poster of Fang doing the "American Needs You" pose; only it's Fang needs you, yellow stars and a spear that stereotypical native Americans use. I then realize that they are in the village as the denizens watch Fang do the hard sell of death on facing blood thristy monsters, and loving it. She then brings out the pencil and clipboard; causing the denizens to run off and MURDER Dave's ass in the process because he's down belly first on the ground. What an idiot? Which one? Does it really matter? Dave now wants to do it his way; and we scene change back to the scene with a sign that sezs "Flight School"; as one of the denizens asks if Dave is going to teach them how to fly. Dave no sells because he is going to teach them how to flee and bring out their inner cowardice. I swear to god he said this. I don't know; but I laughed at it anyway. Only Dave would teach cowardice as a feature instead of a defect. So Dave demonstrates his running skills; and returns to the denizens popping for him. Dave then decides to show it in slower motion as he shows the knees are up; and then he runs stage left and crashes off-screen into an obvious CGI written sign in the middle of the road as Dave has tied himself up to the sign which reads in all caps and black letters: CAUTION: SIGN IN ROAD! Someone has a sick sense of humor here as Fang tries to pull on Dave's muscles, and then we cut to outside the window of Candy's room. So we see Candy plucking out her facial hair with a pair of piliers as Oswidge walks in and is so shocked at this that he falls dead onto the floor. Candy turns around and she has killed off half of her hair and her face is pink and swollen as if she has infected herself. Lovely! Candy comes over and kicks Oswidge's foot; but it looked like she was kicking Oswidge in the ass. Scene changer of doom AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) in the dining room as Fang and Dave are running around the table for no reason other than to kill time. They stop about halfway and tell the narrator to fast forward because they are killing time. Nice to see someone on television admit the purpose of this scene.
So Flappy is doing nothing but floating around as they run away as it's YES! NO! YES! NO! Rinse, lather, repeat so more that the narrator fast fowards to morning as Dave and Fang are lying on top of the table blowing each other off with yes and no answers. Flappy eats a 2X4 for fun as Dave wants to compromise again as Fang is not buying this at all. Dave points out that he doesn't want to smash the monsters; and Fang wants to, so Dave preposes that someone else smash the monsters for them. Flappy gets seesawed off the table for no reason and it squashes Dave's head into his body as a result; as Fang wants a guard beast. So we head to some side bar room as Oswidge is sitting at a round table drinking rootbeer; and it almost appears that he's drinking it up his nose. Fang, Flappy and Dave come in and ask their uncle to create them a guard beast. Oswidge sezs sure and zaps purple lasers out of his wand. The he gets repulsed because he turned Flappy, Dave and Fang into blocks of Swiss Cheese; to which Dave swells up again because he's allergic to cheese. So we head back outside with Fang, Dave, Oswidge and Flappy as Oswidge zaps Flappy and turns him into a mature yellow dragon who growls like a fart sound. I'm perfectly fine with this even though the narrator claims that it was by accident. Dave asks if he's Flappy and Flappy breaths thunderbolts right into Dave; and despite being bigger and stronger, Dave still withstands it like he always does when Flappy was a whelp. In fact; it's weaker compared to some episodes while Dave simply turns into ash with just the eyeballs. The narrator claims that Flappy is now a guard dragon; so they have nothing to fear; and then cue the next scene and Dave and Fang are screaming because Candy is wearing a mud mask on her face. And we are suppose to laugh at that? It's Oswidge's secret formula for a mud mask so I can see why Dave and Fang were screaming. So Candy rips off the mud mask and throws it to the ground and it grows hair. Candy uses the mirror and she screams even more because her face is now filled with red hair as she realizes what a useless load Oswidge is. What an idiot Candy is?!
Candace would laugh all the way to the bank seeing this. So she brings out the plucking devices and blows off Oswidge as Dave claims that Oswidge's magic worked a moment ago when he turned Flappy into a guard dragon. Candy goes over to the window and blows it off as the other babyfaces make it to the window. Then we look at the village as the place is getting destroy; as Flappy chases some denizens, burns a woman peasant to ashes, who then gets robbed by a human robber who is surprised that he didn't get burned. See; Flappy is so stupid that he wasn't assigned instructions on what to protect, because Flappy has a one digit IQ. Which means the human babyfaces have a minus single digit IQ level. Then a child get protected from an old man not doing anything at all. So yes; even in storyline, the adults are not worth protecting. I hate the "kids will change the channel if the adults get over" mandate, it's so stupid. As long as you have likable characters; it shouldn't matter how old the characters are. And some green crap gets zapped as well. So we have Dave and Fang chasing Flappy throughout the village as Flappy burns the place to the ground. Flappy finally turns around and stares at the babyfaces as Fang blames Dave for not going with her plan to smash the monsters which Dave rightfully blows off because Fang was perfectly all right with using someone else to smash the monsters. Dave and Fang bail out as Flappy chases them. Dave then turns the corner; and brings out Lula, ordering her to nail Flappy in the face with a beam from her sword. For once, Dave took Fang's advice and stopped being a coward. Lula then no sells and goes back into the leather holder; because you see, Lula doesn't want angry protest letters from the Society For The Prevention Of Cruelity To Dragons. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No. What Lula really means is: "If I do what you say; the episode is over 4 minutes too early!". In fact; her saying that would have been even funnier. Flappy zaps Dave and Lula into eyeballs and ashes (later done to Mr. Proud in The Proud Family) as Fang comes in with a brush and sweeper to sweep Dave and bail away.
Fang then asks if he is all right and Dave claims that he's thirsty. Apparently; the effect is so nasty that Lula has basically been killed and disappeared in the process. Wow. Then we get the z-grade moment of the day: The narrator basically scene changes to somewhere in the bamboo forests of China as we see two panda bears with bamboo poles. The right one tells the left one to pull his finger; and then instant cutaway and the village seemly has been magically restored again with Flappy in the middle. Yes folks; they did a pointless fart joke moment, just to attempt to cover up an obvious logic break. It failed badly. So then the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE loops around Flappy's tail as Fang is pulling and Dave is making a face which reads "Why is my show still on the air?". Flappy shakes them off with ease and they land right into a pile with a sign that reads "Digusting Filth". There was no bump nor sound present, so that was crappy to say the least. Which is fitting for this scene. Fang pops out with Dave as Fang blames Dave for making her take her annual bath early. This is 2004; 14 years ago, girls had to take baths every day because it was sexist to suggest that they don't take baths often. Dave and Fang blow each other off like a bunch of three year olds and they are screaming in their faces. Dave then blows her off and this biological nonsense about brothers and sisters not getting along. I'm almost certain that it's a social construct that has taken root and thus you cannot tell anymore if it's genetic or not. Fang is tired of this and Dave gets inspired because he has a way to stop Flappy without smashing him. So he wants some bards; and out of the castle comes three minstrials who are apparently rock and roll minstrials with a lute, harp, and something else. The blue hooded one asks if they are ready to rock and we see a couple of denizens running stage left from Flappy. He proclaims that they are not ready; so Dave calls a conference with the three rock minstrials and as they huddle together with Dave; Flappy is chasing Fang stage right.
After the confernence; the minstrials get their stuff ready as Dave brings out a scroll of paper and a blue feather. He writes and in the middle of this writing; he asks Fang "What rhymes with dragon?". Yes; Fang is this close to getting killed and Dave asks Fang for a rhyming scheme. So stupid! Fang yells that it's saggin which is basically wearing the pants with the waistband across the hips rather than the midriff. The dark skinned short man wearing the pink hood is sporting a flute as Dave tells them to hit it. I was hoping that one of the guys would nail Dave in the head with the lute and smash the lute like a rockstar. Nope; they starts singing and playing their pieces. I should also note that Flappy has Fang in his paw and is about to swallow her whole during this song, and has his mouth opens. More singing abounds and 3:1 odds that this fails because we have only two minute left in the episode and 2:1 odds that it succeeds because we need two minutes to further make fun of Candy. I just realized that the rhyme was: "My eyes are sagging". Why Dave needed to ask Fang for this is beyond me, but whatever because Flappy is getting sleepy and puts Fang on her feet on the ground. Fang of course is way too stupid to move away from Flappy as Flappy brings out his teddy bear out of nowhere and flops onto the ground squashing Fang with his neck and chin. Flappy snoozes and Fang manages to pop out from Flappy as Oswidge and furry red face Candy run in. Candy orders Oswidge to turn Flappy back to normal and of course, Oswidge refuses because he has a lot of ear hair. So Lula basically speaks gibberish and Oswidge translates it as turn Flappy back to normal. So he zaps Flappy with the wand and Flappy returns to normal without incident at all as Flappy is on top of Fang's head. The narrator states that Flappy is normal; but who fights the monsters? Remember that I predicted that the finish of this would be that it would be the brutish throwing a party for the babyfaces.
So they go to the street corner to a tower as Dave knocks on the door and out comes the cheesy colored oracle of 34th street. Dave asks how to defeat the brutish monsters coming to Udrogoth. The oracle has no idea what Dave is talking about because he predicted that the British Minstrials are coming to Udrogoth and of course; it's the minstrials who lullabied Flappy to sleep. I called it eight minutes before it happened I should note. To be fair; this made sense in the grand scheme of things because Oswidge's ears were blocked with hair, and Brutish Monsters sounds like British Minstrials with them; so I was fine with it. The finish made sense at least; even if it wasn't funny because I knew that it would be the finish. Candy is angry that Oswidge was wrong as the minstrials also play at parties and invasions; so I was even more so correct about the finish. Oswidge blows Candy off about swans; which prompts Candy to be fed up and she literally pulls the ear hair right out of Oswidge's ear. Only we got to see her grab the hair; but not pull it out since they cutaway to a shot of outside Udrogoth. Yes; pulling out hair is too violent for BS&P! So the babyfaces drag Oswidge away to Ian's barber shop to clip the nose hairs as the Oracle then states that it was tomorrow that the brutish monsters are coming; but decides not to tell because they'll get parnoid. Probably for the best; since they'll now translate that as the British minstrials are coming and think the guy is crying world ass backwards. So we head to the dining room of Udrogoth castle with Fang eating a bowl of oatmeal and Dave is knitting some gray yarn. Dave proclaims that when they were fighting, nothing got done. Dave then states that they stopped fighting and worked together, they turned Flappy into a killer dragon. Dave claims that the moral of the story is that you don't even try because you'll be doomed from the start. Now THAT is a funny moral. Not useful or good or anything; but it sure the hell was funny. So Fang gives the thumbs up on that; and we discover that Dave was knitting a sweater using the nose hairs of Oswidge. Fang claims that it smells like nose and that ends the episode at 10:26. The story was fine and the finish made sense albeit predictable as hell. The moral was the funniest thing in the episode; but it was mostly the same stupid stuff in every other episode. ** 3/4 (55%).
The Lost Race of Reeber: We begin this one in a meadow as two denizens run towards the hard camera in opposite directions as a cheese colored monster with purple arms, yellow teeth and horns growls directly into the hard camera with a northern pan shot. We then cut to a yeti with black hair arm wrestling a green ogre with a blue tank top and then we cut to a bunch of pirates welding seagulls as swords and dueling each other on the docks looking as chummy and stereotypical as they could be. The guise of this is that monsters rule the roost and the most blood thirsty of them all is...cut to Candy slumped on the throne answers her cell crystal ball phone. Yeah; that is so blood thirsty, I need a drink of sparkling red grape pop! Candy is complaining about eye shadow making someone look like a tramp (her words, not mine); and then a knock on the door beckons, which Candy promptly blows off because she's a selfish diva. So Candy finally answers the door; and we see a little boy with black hair and blue eyes wearing a lavander shirt and holding a jar (he sounds like Rob Paulsen by the way) as he is asking for donation to save the unicorns. And really; who can argue with a noble cause like that? P.Z. Meyers doesn't count by the way. Sorry sir. Well; Candy doesn't give a crap because there will always be a lot of unicorns, so she slams the door right in the poor boy's face. What a jackass this Candy person is?! Candy is about to go to the throne; when suddenly, a knock on the door beckons. Candy answers it and it's a midevil version of Sally Struthers with cheese colored sweater, grey hair, a green scarf around the neck and green earrings showing off pictures of a orange haired boy and a jackass. Do you want to see me uncurse children? Sure we all do. I was hoping this woman would say that even if the children don't get the reference. Candy blows her off and slams the door in her face because she wants a doorbell. Candy turns around; and bumps right into Dave, who blows her off for being a selfish jackass. And that is a SHOOT SISTA~! POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Compared to Lula Dave? I think you might want to recheck the jackass scale again.
Dave goes over to the door and opens it as the Sally Struthers lookalike is roughed up and gives the poor woman gold, silver and bronze coins; one of each. And then slams the door in her face before she can complete her thank you. So Dave is a selfless asshole, while Candy is a selfish asshole. I do not know who is worse in this setup. Oh wait; I know...Lula; who enables this crap in every episode with her assholish attitude. ZAP! OUCH! Ummmm... Candy blows off Dave for being a lying cowardish asshole (uh; whatever Candy); and we are reduced to childish insults like three year olds even though we did this joke about three times in the previous short already. STOP DOING THAT! Do it next week if you want to bring back the gimmick; but not after doing it three times in one short. So Candy claims that she'll prove it by stating that the next person who knocks on the door will get her undivided attention and support. Dave has the Gruffi pose on thinking that she's a lying selfish asshole, and a knock is on the door. Candy goes to the door and answers it to reveal a brown haired man with a green collared red sweater and small hat. He tips his hat and calls himself Ham Wise; and the pink haired dark skinned woman with the yellow sweater and red spotted blue bandana is named Refundza. Yeah; we have anime hair in this show, and it's pink because she is a woman. It would have been funnier if the man had pink hair. Before Hamwise can explain who they are; Candy cuts them off and proclaims that she is the unselfish ruler of Udrogoth. I think it's selfish to cut someone off BEFORE they explain who they are; so Dave has proved his point that Candy is a selfish, lying asshole. Candy proclaims that Hamwise and Refundza have her full support of the kingdom. Hamwise and Refundza call out to the off-screen crowd as Hamwise states that Candy is going to get their homeland back and slay the evil monster of death, causing Candy to realize that she screwed herself acting like a total idiot in the proccess; and Dave has to be loving this as much as the off-screen crowd. And we see the on-screen crowd; but 80% of them are in shadow because Disney is a penny pincher.
Hamwise calls themselves the Race Of Lost Reeber as Refundza has the Gruffi pose on to basically say that this is bullcrap. How can you be a lost race; when you are clearly HERE in front of Udrogoth Castle asking for Candy's help. You are not a lost race. Furthermore; there are at least 35 people in this group. How can 35 babyfaces not take down one monster heel? You are like TNA babyfaces when Vince Russo is booking in 2009! Hamwise goes on and on about invaders (so I'm guessing that it's 35 monster heels; so that makes sense I think) as Refundza basically tells him to shut up because Hamwise is a man who cannot ask for directions. Candy of course has a bag of coins because she is a selfish prick (enabled by the prick herself Lula.). Then we get a really dumb moment: Candy is jiggling the coins and Dave does this umhmmm sound, like he is doing bee impersonations. Candy demands to know what that means; and Dave simply claims it's nothing. This basically degenerates into another three year olds blowing off each other spot. Why does Dave have to be a smugass here? Why does Dave have to deny his smug? He is in the right here. Candy is still a selfish asshole; so just tell her that. Don't stoop to petty games; no kid is going to laugh at this spot anymore because you have done it like FIVE times in the last 14 minutes or so! Candy basically then claims that she is not bailing on her promise and proclaims that they are going to the lost city of Reebor to slay the heels and bring the "lost" race back to providence. And of course; all the lead babyfaces have to help because if she helps; they have to help too. I'm perfectly fine with that because none of the other babyfaces including Dave are selfless. There is a difference between a selfless person and a selfless asshole. I'll leave the difference as an exercise to the viewer. So we get the big sendoff of the denizens of Udrogoth and Reefer cheering the babyfaces on. So they walk out of the castle from the back; and walk about 50 steps because the Castle Of Reebor is literally in Udrogoth's backyard. So yes folks; they made to Reeber with absolutely no build and no logic. The castle simply showed up.
We are supposed to laugh at this; but it comes off as Vince Russo booking. Candy does this jackass promo as Hamwise and Refunza aren't buying this as they are confused; thus proving that it's not their kingdom. Candy points out that it is and they do the Gruffi pose and blow it off. Candy asks why she should help people if they have no gratitude. Answer: Because then you take the moral high road in this Candy. Sadly; Dave promo is more along the lines of: Selfless people do the right thing and expect nothing in return; but Candy doesn't know that because she's selfish times five. Way to go Dave; you proved to everyone that selfish people are better than selfless people. I was hoping Candy would blast back with: "All right Dave, so you would guard our kingdom for free? And by free; you would get absolutely no money, no room, no board, no food, not even a "your welcome" etc.?" That would have shut Dave up or if he answered yes, it would make you wonder why we have scoiopaths in our world and why they are "better" than human beings. You do realize that you still have to do the hard sell to make it work. Dave is such an idiot. Of course Candy's brain is that of a child and denies that she is selfish. She is; but she's no idiot. Besides; she wasn't asking for money or power or anything other than a geninue your welcome. That's not much in return; in fact, that is a proper response to someone helping you and doing it correctly. Now if she had done it wrong; then this scene works. Candy of course grabs Hamwise and Refundza and drops them on their asses in front of the castle. She then proclaims that she will take on the blood thirsty creatures inside as the door simply opens out of nowhere. Candy steps in and there is no one inside as Refundza and Hamwise tell Candy that they forgot to warn her about something. Candy turns around and the instant she speaks; she gets flatted like a plate as the door closes. She slides under the door as Refunza tells us that the monsters are Invisagots. Oswidge panics like mad because no one has seen one and lived to tell the tale; which Fang blows off because they are invisable. Oswidge stands by his statement of course.
So Candy doesn't care because she wants to kick invisable ass and finish the job; prompting Dave to come in and basically wants to back out of the deal. Yes folks; Dave, the person who accused Candy of being selfish, now wants Candy to be selfish and go home. Candy blows it off and basically admits that she is doing this just to get back at Dave for using the "selfish" card and then acting like a hypocrite when monsters appear. Even though Refundza and Hamwise clearly said that there were monsters in the castle. In fact; Candy repeated the line right in front of Dave BEFORE she went in to be flattened. Dave is screwed as Candy paces around and wonders if they have to be invisible at all times because they couldn't coordinate outfits. Maybe they have the clear status is because they are naked, Candy! So she pounds her fist into her hand and has a Krackpotkin Plan, the instant she does this, in comes...Twinkle the Marvel Horse. It's GUNPLAY~! Twinkle cuts another great Christopher Walken promo; and I mention this because Christopher Walken is going to be the voice of King Louie in the new live action Jungle Book movie which is the Disney CGI version of the remake; and I note this because this is the first time since Jungle Cubs that Louie has appeared, and the first since TALESPIN in his original adult persona. Ironically; it was TaleSpin's Louie or Jim Cummings voicing Louie that was so dead-on the estate got pissed off and sued Disney for royalities. To the people of Film School Rejects: TaleSpin came BEFORE the Prima Estate knew about this and it wasn't until years later when they sued and won an injuction on the voice. Apparently; this falls under the WWF/WWE rule now that archive footage is still allowed to be shown as long as royalities are paid. Candy simply tells Twinkle to get a hobby. SOD OFF CANDY! Twinkle is basically an inverted male version of Raven from Teen Titans Go; in that he's a emo goth in personality, but dresses up like a My Little Pony reject. I love this look. Candy gets on Twinkle and Twinkle flies away in a rainbow of magic dust.
Dave asks Lula if his ears are big and Lula claims that they are dinner plates big. They look like saucer plate big; so not quite. So we cut to the skies with Twinkle Gunplay as they fly to Udrogoth Castle (which took three times more steps than the walk to Reebor Castle) and then return with some stuff under a cover as the narrator proclaims that this plan has terrible consequences. In that she must give up her...wait for it...cover comes off...her wardrobe on a coat rack. So her plan is to give them clothes so that they put them on and become visable; thus the plan works. Fang still blows off her wardrobe thing because apparently she has a warehouse of them. Candy admits that it's true and these are her best clothes; but her plan will work see. So she opens the door and puts the rack of clothes into the castle. Everyone bails to hide and then the Clear Barbarians Of Doom come in and talk and look at the clothes. Can you guess the obvious flaw with this plan; or do I have to spell it out for you? Anyhow; they put on the clothes, which Candy signals for the run in. Refundza and Hamwise argue on food choices which no one cares anymore. Candy of course calls them out; and the Ivsiagots all rip off their clothes. Prepare to be harmed indeed, in star ratings! Candy cares more about the clothes then her safety making Lula look like the best character in the match. So Dave gets grabbed and Disney Channel apparently has killed off all the sound effects and bumps because we never realize until the aftermath that Dave did Scooby Doo snow angels into the brick wall after getting his ass kicked. The impact sounds were blended into the music; but there was no heat for it because it was BS&P decision instead of a stylist choice. Dave slides down as Fang grabs a stick and does lame bashing with it. All misses as the monster grabs the stick and it's PUT OUT THE PSYCHOPATH for fun. Oswidge tries the wand; but gets used as a basketball, a sport that did not exist until the 1800's. Flappy gets squashed and then Candy tries to channel Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and gets murdered into the brick wall. Yeah; let's go over to Hamwise complaining about raisin bagels.
Refundza doesn't care as all the babyfaces get kicked out of the castle and they all squash each other. No shock here; Dave is on bottom. Hamwise and Refundza are somewhat grateful for this, but they want the babyfaces to give up before they were wiping them off the ground with paper towels. Dave stops selling four babyfaces on top of him and they get tossed aside. He agrees with that stance and wants to give up now. Remember; he was the one who was blowing off Candy for being selfish times five. Dave claims that Candy has proven her point and wants to leave. Candy ponders this over and teases actually going with Dave; but then a tiny mosquito who is wearing a crown. Yes; she is Candy's conscience saying "he might be happy with this; but you still aren't". However; this mosquito claims that she was selfish and was cursed as a mosquito, implying that she was turned into one. Of course; she means nothing to the show, so we'll never get the compelling storyline of why this happened. This would be a good 10 minute thing methinks. Candy agrees with her and then puts her fist into her hand and squashes the mosquito because this mosquito with lips and crown is dumber than Candy. Even though she is an insect; she still has to tell us that she's okay. No you are not your highness! You need medical attention right now. Candy proclaims that they are still going to finish the job and she has another Krackpotkin plan which involves Oswidge putting the clear status on everyone; because then they can see the Invisagots that way. This makes no sense; but Dave thinks that it makes about as much sense as anything in this story. No; this is worse, because when Oswidge does the wand magic; he turns everyone into lobsters. Then Oswidge tries again and turns them into a low rent version of the Amoeba Boys from Powerpuff Girls. They yell gibberish at Oswidge; Oswidge tries a third time and they disappear. So yes; they are invisible now as Oswidge makes himself disappear. Candy wants to kick their ass and they all run into the castle and David can see his eyelids. The Invisagots panic and bail stage right...
Do you know why they did this finish? It's because BS&P won't let the babyfaces kick their asses when shown because that is considered too violent for children and as anyone who has heard the news of children mimicking the Power Rangers know that children like to mimic people doing stuff, and the news must tell the truth because they would get sued for slander. Too bad the laws don't agree with this because (a) the news' record on facts is 50/50 at best and (b) rarely do they get sued for slander. It would take something so awful that it requires legal action to put an end to. Kind of like what is happening now. So they can show the babyfaces crushing the heels on-screen without violating their BS&P mandate. Barrels break, punches are thrown but never seen, it is a titantic battle of invisble fighting the like we will never see again, because the moral guardians are merely vile, they are not stupid. Everytime Fang stomps; she shows her feet and makes fart sounds. Whatever. Sadly; even with this, Dave gets his ass kicked and gets parted with a metal pipe saying Kajabbers. In 1990; some air pirate in Plunder and Lightning got murdered with a lead pipe which was almost on-screen. We called him cementhead. Dave can now be called Kajabberhead. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So Candy kicks every barbarian's ass into the brick wall; they make Scooby Doo snow angels. Then they go to the middle of the castle, Oswidge uses the wand to undo the clear status on everyone and I mean everyone including the Invisagots. Yip; BS&P decision, I knew it. I know this because Dave is pissed off at Oswidge for not doing it from the start, and Oswidge tells him to get off his back. Let me translate that for you: BS&P RULEZ~! So Candy motions to Hamwise and Refundza to come in and they basically call the castle a dump; and they basically want to come back to Udrogoth to stay because it's better. Yes folks; they just rendered the entire point of this episode meaningless, and they made Candy look like the biggest idiot in the world.
Candy is rightfully pissed off at this; selflessness be damned, and then she simply tells them that they can stay because she has a job for them. Ahhh! My heat melted. Not. So we return to Udrogoth Castle and into her throne room as Dave is loving the new doorbell. We head outside to the front door and there is Refundza and Hamwise who are in fact doorbells hanging from a pulley system as shown with the Save The Unicorn boy tugging the rope and both of them yell "Ding Dong". Dave seems all right with this (after spending a quarter of the episode blowing off how selfish Candy is); and both Refundza and Hamwise blow each other off to end the episode at 10:26. Some fun stuff; but mostly stupid. Also; I hope we never do that "clear status" spot aga...Oh wait; I forgot about Jumbo Shrimp in Fish Hooks, never mind. ** 1/2 (50%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; these were disappointments, but neither short was horrible. Brutish Are Coming was fun for a while albeit predictable since I predicted the finish eight minutes before it happened, ala Flores Doris Gorgous. However; the moral of the story at the end was laughout loud funny. Sure; it's rancid, but it still was funny and I was entertained by it, so it's fine with me. Otherwise; more of the same stupid stuff (the 3 year olds counter to arguements has got to go; they did it at least a half dozen times in 22 minutes); as well as The Lost Race Of Reeber (or Reebor; doesn't matter); which I was rooting for Candy for once because Candy was made to look like an idiot. There was a point to the episode; but it was rendered dead when Hamwise and Refundza just wanted to go back to Udrogoth anyway. Of course; the only reason the barbarians were invisible to begin with was because BS&P wouldn't allow the babyfaces to act like barbarians on-screen; so they made them invisible as a middle finger to the moral guardians. I know this because Oswidge turned the barbarians unclear at the end, exposing the decision for all to see. This was clearly on purpose; but no one is buying that this was an artistic choice. The rest of it was simply all right and it was fun seeing Dave get his butt kicked while under the clear status; plus a Twinkle appearance will always get buys from me. Overall; just a bunch of middling shorts and not much else. Still better than Mighty Ducks last weekend. So....
Thumbs in the middle for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.