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Dave The Barbarian: That Darn Ghost!/The Cow Says Moon
Reviewed: 08/30/2014
The Ghost Cow Says Damn!
All right; it's time for the Labour Day marathon as we continue on with the second half of Dave The Barbarian. Today's episodes features Candy wanting the castle of Udrogoth to be haunted because it's cool; while Princess Irmaplotz returns to get her revenge on Dave and torture him by turning him into a vampire cow. YAY! Let's rant on shall we...?!
That Darn Ghost! is written and story edited by Evan Gore and Heather Lombard. The Cow Says Moon is written and story edited by Doug Langdale. The animation was done by SOB Animation.
Opening Moment #1: Dave, Candy and Fang have pumpkin faces!! That was funny. I guess Oswidge and Flappy's face would anger BS&P somehow.
That Darn Ghost!: We begin this one AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) with a shot of the crescent moon looking cheesy as usual. The narrator talks about some legends inside some forest some distance away from the castle. We see a thief wearing a viking helmet and green pants stealing a pie. He gets chased by an angry mob for a long while; and then gets cornered by a large pile of rocks. He turns around and eats the entire pie and makes a bigger mess on his face than I ever could. The mob overwhelms him and we fade to black and return with another nightly version of the castle as we discover that the pie thief is now a ghost; impying that the mob killed him. Yeah; like TaleSpin, this show does point out that anyone can die. However; like Darkwing Duck, it is impossible to take that seriously when Dave is getting burned to ashes by Flappy in almost every episode that he is in. So the ghost is walking inside the castle and then goes into the bedroom as I discover that it's either Candy's room or Cheezette's room because the pief thief is scaring people with his mouth full. Cheezette blows off the ghost and the ghost apologizes and leaves. Why not?! I discover that this is Cheezette's castle because Cheezette asks about the ghosts in her castle, and Candy claims that she doesn't have any. This prompts Cheezette to go into Bea overdramatics which is never a good idea for a babyface. Candy is as confused as I am with Cheezette's dishonest routine and she's angry. Join the club; that's the face I get when something looks so bad. So we head back to Udrogoth's castle (thus Cheezette is a legit princess after all) with Candy yelling at Lula because she has no ghost in her castle. Lula talks about genetics and freaks as we see Oswidge, Dave, and Flappy basically making asses out of themselves. Did I just see Dave and Flappy on a child's tricycle? Did I just see Oswidge's boxer shorts? Did I just hear them fart? Did I care about some pointless spot? Candy is angry because Udrogoth has no ghost as even Dinky has one as we hit the "flashback" to Dinky sitting under a bunch of anime colored trees holding out her arm to a Greek-era male ghost. Pffft; whatever Dinky!
Candy is lying on the table doing the annoying eye blinking sounds...STOP THAT!...and whines and complains some more because she's an asshole whiner. Yeah; you don't have a ghost and yet you have a talking sword and a yellow whelp dragon. All you need is a monkey and even Dinky and Cheezette would BE JEALOUS~! (Fang: NOT A...Wait; he wasn't talking about me? YAY!) Anyhow the troll girl (wearing awesome green fur boots and a black backpack) has one which is a pirate. Hank has one as well and it's exactly like him, implying that he either has a twin brother; or he literally has no soul in his body. Somehow; I'm leaning towards the later on this exchange. The pirate sounds like the pirate from the opening of Spongebob Squarepants, or Mr. Krabs by the way. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Lula asks if she would want the plague if everyone else had it too. I wish Lula would have pointed out that they have a talking sharp impilment and a yellow dragon. Candy claims that she would get the plague (thus proving that she is anti-vaccine) because Lula doesn't know what it's like to be cool. Of course not Candy; Lula only knows how to be a prick. Apparently; no one else does as Fang has now joined us for no reason as Candy paces around and the babyfaces are treating her as if her brain is struck on "I want"; which is supposed to be a catchphrase for Brianna Buttowski. Yeah. Fang wants to slap her; but Oswidge claims that BS&P will only allow adults to slap another adult. So a child slapping an adult is not okay (actually it isn't); but adults slapping each other is (actually it isn't). Besides; Candy freezes like a statue because she has literal brain freeze. And I'm not talking about the sharp pain in your head after drinking super cold treats too fast. So Dave then does a funny spot as he sits Candy down and basically re-arranges her so that she is sitting down on the chair with one elbow propped up and smiling. With Flappy under her other arm to boot! So Dave wants to help Candy and Fang proclaims that in order to get a ghost; you have to make one. Cue evil laugh; which is Tress MacNeillie's speciality for heels.
This scene would have been funnier if she was laughing AT DAVE when doing this because that would imply that she wants to kill Dave. I think BS&P stepped in here because Fang appears to be laughing at no one in particular and then Lula claims that her parents would not approve of this; causing Fang to blow off Lula as a party pooper. Dave still wants to help because he's her sister and he cares about her. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! No. Proof: Fang is making gameshow noises during this and when Dave sezs that it's to stop Candy from complaining about it after she stops having a brain freeze, Fang goes "ding, ding, ding, ding". That annoyed me. So then we head outside as Dave and Fang go to a ghost hiring agency. Yes; I am not making this up. In Udrogoth, ghosts are treated on the same level as humans and have their own ghost job bank. This was pretty funny. So we head inside an office as we have a clerk, Dave and Fang are exchanging notes on having a "post living" entity in the home. See; the term "ghost" is offensive in this agency even though they have had said ghost about a dozen times before this aired. So yeah; dumb. Dave likes ghosts who have more humanity than Fang ever will have and Fang likes ghosts that are more psychopatic than she is, if that is humanly possible. I should note that the clerk has a skull on the front of her neck and checkered hair; and she actually sezs ghost on camera like a fool before catching herself and wanting to reveal the "post-living" enities. So we HIT THE MONTAGE with the INTERVIEWS OF DOOM; kind of like getting a job actually. The first "post living" is a purple skinned viking wearing almond overalls. The narrator claims that the viking lost his voice in a shouting match and so he brings out a white card with "boo" written on it. Dave screams and drops dead. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The viking turns the card over and it sezs "my bad". I accept his non-polgy there because seeing Dave faint on a cue card was laugh out loud funny. The second "post-living" looks like a generic woman who is basically a human version of Shellsea who is looking for a purse to match her shoes. Basically; a boring version of Candy.
She shows her show which is pink and has a golden demon on the laces. Next. "Post-Living" #3: a court jester with an arrow stuck in his head and wearing an oversized flower on par with Jimmy Hart's oversized bow tie in CWA. He makes slaying jokes (Charles Adler) as the arrow is real; but the squirt flower is fake; despite the fact that the water that comes out of it nails Dave and Dave sells it as if it was real. So we head back to the office as the clerk asks about them and the two goofballs claims that they love them all; and then the clerk goes through the notes and claims that all the ghosts hated them. I wonder why? No reason was given as Fang asks if there is anyone who doesn't hate them or even very, very sick. The clerk claims that there is one "post-living" (I think she has stopped being politically correct at this point; rendering the joke as a throwaway. Too bad; it would have been interesting as a parody.) that might accept them if they are desparate and pitiful and both Fang and Dave admit that they are desparate and pitiful. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So we head back to the castle as Dave and Fang come in and surprise Candy. Candy is on her bed sulking as she gets up and Dave and Fang introduce Lump Sack who is a "post-living" with a Nazi helmet, a dragon scale coat, a kilt with a maple leaf designed to look like a fanny pack, girl braid in his hair and a triangle nose. This is the ultimate mix up of Godwin and No True Scotsman all rolled into one! He cracks his knuckles in such a way that Dave and Fang cringe. I laughed on the other hand because he was killed by his own kind for being a nuisance. Candy gives the great hug of death because she loves this new ghost. Lump Sack blows off the decor and orders everyone to get the hell out of Candy's room because it's his room now. I noticed that Candy is a fan of the parody of the Backstreet Boys; the Backstreet Ministrials. This did make me laugh because who in their right mind thinks the Backstreet Boys were cool? Goofy and hamy, yes. Okay, yes. Cool, NO WAY JOSEHOSE~!
He throws the white cat away acting like a moron; and Dave catches it and treats it like a human. Aww! My heart melted! That plush cat does look cute and adorable so, points for Dave on this at least. Candy accepts the dude; but the narrator doesn't as we HIT THE MONTAGE of rude stuff Lump Sack does. Lump Sack enters the bathroom without knocking. I swear TO GOD I see this way too many times at work. Listen people: When the washroom door is closed, you must automatically assume that SOMEONE IS IN THE FREAKIN WASHROOM~! This is common sense. No one should have the washroom door closed if there is no one using it unless there is a really good reason for it (like with Nathan Jr. when he is playing in the hallway and thus you want the door closed in case the ball bounces off walls in the bathroom and causes objects to fall onto the floor and/or sink.). Dave is in his bathing equipment and looks like a complete tool; which is his default feature. Then we cut to Lump Sack drinking milk from the container. Is this any worse than drinking bottles of pop from the container? Ben Stein was the one who compared drinking from a water bottle to be babyish; and that drinking from a cup is being a gentlemen or gentlewoman. Really? Since when? Shouldn't it be more like: Don't drink from a bottle that is being shared by others? That makes more sense and would at least turn Lump Sack heel; as if going through the wall was bad enough. Okay; I have finally accepted the fact that ghosts have super powers that let them drink and eat like normal people. Still; I would think that if you are a ghost; then you shouldn't have to bump like a normal person unless there is a ghost proof material on hand. And yes; he left hair in the shower drain. How does the narrator know that? It could be DAVE'S for all we know because DAVE was the one showering. If I was booking this; I would say "he left hair in the shower dra...Oh wait; it's Dave's!". That is funny because we saw him shower during this montage. Make the joke and then pay it off. Candy doesn't give a damn because she is now #5 on the coolness list as announced in the public square. Whatever.
Troll Girl is dejected as I am: Troll Girl should be #1 with Candy as #2; and then POW! Insta-Feud! Of course not because this is Disney and they can never really do anything right. So we head back to the throne room with the family as Fang demands the ghost to leave; but Candy rejects the deal and repeats herself about four times. This is supposed to be funny; but it comes off as her stuttering. Lump Sack is eating a chicken leg and he talks like a true Scotsman would as a yellow skined woman with white hair and luggage floats in. Lump addresses him as Cackleen and she's a harpy. Cackleen blows off Lump because she's an ex; as then her parents arrive and they are YOUNGER than she is. Seriously. One of them is wearing purple rimmed glasses and Marge's hair dyed orange. The mother of Cackleen also has a yellow dress with green daises on it. The fat midget father look like a yodeller from the old country wearing sandals, brown shorts and a white shirt and tie complete with chains. He also is sporting a look which appears that he is wearing a fake nose disguise with glasses and the smallest hat he could be allowed to wear. Frank (as addressed by the mother) is wheezing causing the wife to blow him off. Then we get a bunch of Scotish musicians called the Polkageists who are playing Scottish music. Sadly; none of them are doing actual polka music, but at least we get a visual aid of what the monsters in our mouth are (I have officially forgotten what episode the dental hygenie PSA was in; which shows the quality of this show in general). Dave asks why polka is not dead and Oswidge claims that it always smells like that. So Lump (in his ultra thick Scottish accent) proclaims that he is having a ghost party tonight and Candy is so giddy about this that she completely ignores Fang's plea to get rid of them and skips to her lou out of the castle to get Cheezette and Dinky so they can BE JEALOUS~! The way they animated this; looked almost as funny as Ultra-Cool Sidekick Toadie doing it; so points to Candy on that at least. She damn well needs them too. So we head outside of the castle AFTER HAPPY HOUR with a yellow banner that reads Ghost Party. Lame!
You are just going to call it that? Why not something like "Post Living Polterbash!" or sometimes corny among those lines? So all the ghosts show up including Hank's soul/dead brother, the greek-era man Dinky was having a ball with, the pirate ghost and the court jester with the arrow who is swinging from the chandelier. The narrator proclaims that there are more ghosts in this castle than in limbo, prompting the fat man who thinks he is Dale to do the limbo walk with the pole. AWESOME! We get ghost dancing which is still better than humans dancing in cartoons even if it isn't much. Someone eats a chocolate and we see the stomach filled with chewed up chocolate. That was cute as a french artist is carving faces from pumpkins! FINALLY! An episode which paid off the crumbling titles. Someone finally understands the point of the end of the Fairly Oddparents opening when Viki's head is changed into various objects. And it took nearly 27 episodes to do it. So Candy walks in with Cheezette & Dinky as she shows off the ghosts as the pirate ghost is talking to the pie thief ghost as Candy points out that this is Cheezette's ghost after all. Thus both Dinky and Cheezette are legit princesses in other kingdoms! Ooooookkkkkaaayyyyy. Lump Sack comes in and this is where the episode just becomes random: Lump claims that he wants more Candy because ghost like to eat so much Candy that it makes them sick. He orders Candy to be strung up; but the next scene shows the purple skinned vikings grabbing Fang and hanging her upside down from her ankles. Fang demands that Candy stop this madness NOW; but Candy does the Gruffi pose and no sells; daring Fang to come up with a good reason that she should reconsider. Then we get a spot where I swear to god; I saw this on Kick Buttowski: Some ghost literally goes up Candy's ass and makes Candy's ass bigger than her head. Seriously; that is what happens! WHAT THE HELL?! This is worse than when Denise Buttowski took the Kick Buttowski's helmet up her ass in Not In My Cereal in Kick Buttowski. Cheezette and Dinky are mocking Candy and want a picture of this. No; don't send me an animated GIF! BAD!
Yeah; her ass is bigger than her chest and her head combined. That is enough for Candy to be pissed off because coolness is not worth it if someone is making an bigger ass out of herself than she already has in this series. So she whistles at them and orders all the ghost to exit through the most convenient wall at once. The ghosts blow her off as having no fun; and then they get inspired and decide that they are going to kill them all so that they are ghosts. If only no one saw the Pokemon series where Ash and Pikachu died in the haunted mansion in the first season. They get surrounded and Dave proclaims that he knows what to do and that is to have a really bad chase animation sequence. Wait; WHAT?! This is so confusing that we cut outside to Flappy splatting into the hard camera and then orange letters read Davey Dave. Then it hit me: They are parodying the chase sequences in Scooby Doo, Where Are You? Problem is; if they were shooting for that, it should read "Davey Dave; What are You?". Again; this is what happens when you assume children don't actually use their brains at all. So yes; they are parodying Scooby Doo, Where Are You chase sequences right down to the characters looking like Scooby Doo characters if the creators were legit hippies and thinks this would get over, running style, sound effects and hippie music playing. The whole point of those chase sequences in the 1969 show was not because they were funny; they were designed to kill time while we listen to the music. It is kind of a neat way to be entertained while nothing is going on. Nowadays; the music has to have funny moments, although they all got started right around A Pup Named Scooby Doo. Not calling this; it speaks for itself. Actually; "Davey Dave, Who can say?" is even better. We end this with Dave The Barbarian's orange logo squashing the Davey Dave logo and that is that. So back to the throne room as the babyfaces are surrounded by just four ghosts; and they are about to kill them; and then they stop and admit that this was the best night they ever had. Yeah; all they wanted to do was chase a bunch of teenagers and make them scared for one night. That is funny actually.
So the ghosts want to do this again sometime and we go to a conveniently placed calender at today is October 31st. Geez; I wonder what the entire deal is going to be? So Candy makes a deal that they can return every October 31st to have a party in Candy's throne room. The ghosts love it of course because they are still dumb as doornails since they were supposed to kill the babyfaces for ruining their fun; but who cares? Then it's time to come up with the name and there is a hall of weenies. Dave teases calling it Halloween as the narrator assume that this is the name; and then Dave mindscrews us and calls it Arbor Day which everyone pops for. Yeah; they just had to get one last cheap laugh out of this. Dave wants to go carve pumpkins and eat candy until he's sick; which everyone agrees. The final shot is the fat Dale ghost asks if someone said limbo; everyone blows him off and that is the end of the episode at 10:26. This was a really good episode with some stupid random stuff and Candy basically getting raped in the ass by a ghost. Damn. *** 1/2 (70%).
The Cow Says Moon: We begin this one at a castle AFTER HAPPY HOUR as there is thunderbolts coming down and I realize: This is Princess Irmaplotz's castle. AWESOME! Sadly; we have to begin with a really lame Sniley Whiplash dude proclaiming that he will make a toilet which is coin operated and calls it the "Pay Toilet". Cue bad laugh; I don't care. Whatever. So this wasn't Princess Iramplotz's castle because narrator blows this off as the wrong castle and evil plan. So yes; it was another cheap laugh segment that doesn't catch. Finally we head to Princess Irmaplotz's castle. Here is a prime example of why the Nickelodeon artwork sucks because I have no idea who lives in what because the castle looks mostly the same even when special effects are put in play. I realize that it takes money to draw these things in good detail; but at least in TaleSpin, I knew where the scenes were taking place because the creators of that show took a pain-staking effort to make sure that the place was detailed so everyone could understand where the scenes were taking place. Here; I had no idea who's place this was and I assumed it was Irma's. If I did; then I realize that the narrator screwed up and I would laugh at it because the narrator is a total idiot. That works. This doesn't because I don't know what is going on and thus cannot laugh at whatever cheap joke was done here. Okay? So let's see Irma with a cauldron and a sack as she is doing a magic brew to do evil things to Dave The Cleaning Barbarian Of Laughs. Quack Pack defenders take note: In Feats Of Clay, Soo Lin was going to take over the world and you couldn't let her do evil things to Donald with the marble and monsters and crap? You wrote him out for ten straight minutes? I know that some will say that the nephews are the main event. Wouldn't doing evil things to Donald allow the nephews to make the comeback; and also give Huey justification to want to stop Soo Lin? Irma gets this right; Soo Lin does it all wrong and Soo Lin looks stupid while Irma is awesome and a heel. It's not rocket scientist and you don't have to give up having kids in the main event. Disney: Getting it really wrong (sometimes) since 1995.
So she puts in ingredients as she is a stereotypical witch who looks like a non-anime version of a witch from Luminous Arc; and she thinks cherry cola is disgusting as she unintentionally drops a bottle of it in the cauldron. That made me laugh as Queen Irmaplotz walks in and WOWZERS! She walks with even thinner matchstick legs then Cruella DeVil in 101 Dalimatians: The Series. This renders how walking and her face to look ugly and very awkward. Somehow; I approve of this look, very heelish of her. Irma is creating a brew to gain her revenge on Dave and her laugh sucks; so the queen does a much better version of it; prompting Irma to blow her off; and the queen apologizes for it. That was great as Irma proclaims that she wants Dave to suffer times five complete with MARTIAL ARTS ZOOM IN OF DEATH, and then after the fourth one, she asks if the queen didn't hear it those four times before finally screaming "SUFFER!" the fifth time. That was also great. Irmaplotz is awesome! Sadly; Dave is not as we head to Udrogoth Castle and we head to the tower in which the narrator claims that Dave is suffering as he screams on a closeup shot of his face. Apparently; he burnt a bunch of cookies as he cries like someone who has lost his puppy. Awwww! My heart melted! Not. Lula blows him off for being inspid and then Flappy snags the burnt cookies and tray; eating them all. So Flappy is now the low rent babyface version of LB from Teddy Ruxpin. Dave then goes into dramatics as he wants to go on a moonlight walk to get some corn dogs. Lula gets pissed off because apparently; the dampness will kill her due to some rust disease. Yeah; some magical sword this prick is. Lula pops from the holder and storms off blowing off Dave. So it's down to Dave and Flappy; which Flappy basically spits the plate out and it impacts right into Dave's face. HAHA! So we head out as the shadows of Dave and Flappy are heading back home in the moonlight. The narrator is claiming that they are singing a song on the lost canopies with the melon song; and then we see Dave and Fang with toothpick corn dogs in hand singing about bunnies. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Screw you narrator!! Everyone knows bunnies are more awesome than canopies. Get over yourself! It's too damn bad that the writers have no sense of logic because this song will lead nowhere now. Back to Irmaplotz stirring the brew and looking as evil as she can be as she tells her minion to strike down Dave at once. So we cut back to Dave singing the bunny song and then we hear a cow mooing. Mooing that the writers are stupid. Now; the plot of this episode is: Dave gets bitten by a cow and becomes a Were-Cow. That is awesomely cool in itself; so the idea is great. There is one problem with this: They are singing about bunnies. So why not have Irmaplotz make an evil bunny who bites Dave and turns him into a Were-Bunny. Or if you think a Were-Cow is original and cool (and they are); then have him sing about cows. You don't even have to have him sing the Old MacDonald song and have it loop to cows over and over again if you are afraid of copyright (Ironic since Disney is a MPAA member); just have him sing badly about cows since that is part of his character. It's not rocket science. It's irony and kids will still love you for it in the mist of the dumb stuff that happens during the singing. So Dave turns around as the "cow" (which we never see) is face to face with Dave; and of course Dave screams complete with martial arts zoom in and jackhammered red background; then we jackhammer the fade to black. Good. That's the way it should be done. So we come back with Dave sleeping in a puddle of milk. Yes; milk. Dave wakes up and screams like a baby. I wonder if he is allergic to diary products. So we head back to the dining room as the entire family is eating breakfest with their hands. Dave barges in and panics like a maniac as he has been bitten and the bite marks look like cow teeth with incensions of two number symbols overlapping each other. Now THAT was a MAN-SIZED bite! Fang of course thinks it's a bug; then catches herself and claims that it's a horrible monster whom Dave is cursed. Dave of course prefers the bug even though he was clearly swimming in milk with a bite with teeth that look like a cow's. Yeah; Dave is screwed. I like it.
Oswidge claims that there are two options to this: Ignore it or let Oswidge heal it with his magic. I say that magic wands should go into the same category as bullet shooting guns in terms of gun control. Evidence #1: Oswidge shoots the beam into the air and an elephant squashes him. If magic was real; then it would make gun control look like nothing in comparison. Since magic is not real (except when it comes to entertainment, because you require it to make any logical sense as to how useful it really is outside of just having fun.); guns can kiss my ass, if they ever had actual human lips. At least Oswidge didn't say "I'm all right" this time and somewhat sold pain; so that is an improvement. Dave decides to ignore it. Now personally; I would have a cow dropped on Oswidge for irony purposes. Sure; it gives the whole thing away, but this is supposed to be lame comedy amirite? So; it would make perfect sense for a cow to squash Oswidge. Then Dave screams afterwards. Comedy! Dave goes over to the table and drinks up with the elephant which is in fact funny. So then we cut to one month later (thanks narrator) and we go to Dave's room with horrible acoutics...oh wait; it's Dave moaning while sleeping in his bed. Dave panics as he wakes up and his head is normal at least. He looks at his hands and they look like pig hooves. I'm damn certain cow hooves and pig hooves are not the same. So Dave screams and he is so good at doing this as we pan out to outside Udrogoth castle because the animator cannot animate a transforming sequence properly without creating nightmare fuel. So the other babyfaces come out in their night gear; and the door flings open and it's Dave The Were Cow mooing and exposing his udders for all to see. What is the difference between a penis and a bunch of udders outside of the number of them? I still don't get why penises are forbidden; but udders are perfectly fine. Everyone screams and bails losing their stuff that isn't nailed down. Dave moos and simply walks out of the castle. Oswidge has a flashlight under him (why not?) as he's a were-cow; half human, half cow, all monster. We ARE cribbing from the Wuzzles now aren't we?
So we head into the village as Were Cow Dave is trying to wreck havoc with his hideous mooing causing two denizens to act like Scooby and Shaggy and bail losing their boots. Then Were-Dave sprays milk and almost nails the woman denizen with the curly hair (I have officially forgotten her name if she had one to begin with) who panicked because she is lactose intolerant. Yeah; Dave is allergic to almost everything but milk and diary products; even though if you recall in one episode, he was allergic to cheese...which IS A DAIRY PRODUCT! As much as I think a were cow is cool; it doesn't make sense when your lead character is lactose intolerant to begin with. STUPID! The he eats a lot of grass in a meadow while mooing as it is impossible to take the narrator seriously on any of this. So we see that Irmaplotz is looking on from the cauldron as she is so happy to make Dave the Barbarian look like an embrassament to the series; which would be fine if Dave wasn't doing it on his own. Irma of course cannot laugh right causing the queen off-screen to do the proper laugh, and this time Irmaplotz actually does the laugh properly. I guess she wanted to make sure she did the evil laugh right when it was the right time. Which is a great spot by the way. So cut back to Dave in the streets as he is sipping from an icecream cone; which is much funnier than it sounds. Then he drops the paper cone and straws as the narrator calls this littering an unforgivable sin. Riiiiigggggghhhhhhttttttt. Where I come from; that's a $130 fine in Tornoto. Lula storms in and orders Dave to pick up the litter; and Dave sells and picks up the litter. Lula does have her moments as Oswidge, Flappy, Fang and Candy walk in as Oswidge has his book telling us that the only way to save Dave is to have something else bite him. Now; if any of these characters had a brain, or if we didn't have five minutes left in the episode, then a human being would bite Dave and the episode would be over, Dave returns to normal and then they get their revenge on Irmaplotz. Nope! Fang splats tuna fish onto Dave's leg causing Oswidge to question this because it makes no sense at all; and then a cat runs in, bites Dave on the leg.
Yeap; it's time to Cartoon Duck Syndrome this episode! If there is one thing I do not want to see again in modern cartoons; it's cartoons thinking that they are Darkwing Duck. Dave turns into a Were-Cat, natch which looks like a bengal tiger with a red headband on. Dave runs off as Candy blows Oswidge off for claiming that this would cure him. Oswidge of course blows her off because he's not a cow anymore. Of course not; because no one is smart enough to see that a human must be the one who bites Dave in order for Dave to be cured. This is basically Night Of The Living Spud; only funnier and it makes sense. Yes; I have said it. Now let's hit the montage and see Dave fighting with dogs because rigid gender roles must extend to rigid animal roles. Cartoon Dustcloud fighting of death ensues and the dog walks away unharmed while Dave got his ass kicked even as a were-tiger. This guy just cannot buy a break! So Dave claws blue yarn for a while and then rips up the drapes inside a family's home as the two men are watching sports of some kind. I'm guessing that it's barbarian football as Oswidge decides to plop himself on the sofa and watch with them. He also yells Hotdog which means Milo's catchphrase is stolen from this show. Lula storms in and verbally beats down Dave for being a bad kitty. I think Dave as a heelish anthro is funnier than Dave as a babyface human being. Fang orders Oswidge to quit fooling around and turn Dave back to normal. Oswidge sulks and then deduces that a person must bite Dave. Yes; the elder of this show actually looks smart! Oh my god! Goodbye second season! Don't these dumbass writer know that if you make the adult smarter than the child, children will change the channel?! It's in the official "How To Make Cartoons In The Modern Era?" written by scientist of cartoons Michael Eisner. An exec's word is always LAW and the LAW states that adults must be dumber than humans because there is some sort of defensive mechanism in children that automatically makes them repel adults and change the channel to the competition. Never ends well! It's like the Uncanny Valley; only for 6-12 year olds, mostly boys.
So long story short: Fang and Candy completely refuse to bite Dave because it will give them boy germs. So Oswidge has to do it and he has the clean the fur away from the tail and then he bites Dave in the tail; and this actually turns him human. One problem: It turns him into a bigger version of Oswidge! Now that is AWESOME twist booking because it actually makes sense. Problem is; it also books the story in the corner because this implies that human Dave can only bite were Dave to turn him back into human Dave and there is no human Dave in sight. Oswidge Dave wants to raid the fridge and do old men stuff as he walks out. Everyone is shocked and appalled; so we head outside as Dave has been bitten by a hamster and the denizen are being chased by a brown version of Scooby-Dumb with horse teeth! It's the old chase scene where they go from one side to the other and then back to the other side, rinse, lather, repeat. Yes; Dave gets bitten by an eggbeater somehow in this mess which makes even the space alien from Ducks By Nature make sense. In Mother; this would actually make sense; but not here! Then basically a deranged version of Lula because Lula bit him. How in the hell did that happen? I know that Lula is a cocky prick and all; but COME ON! Even Lula has STANDARDS! Then he got bit by a gym teacher and Dave's Gym Teacher routine is so awesomely bad that this is one of the best episodes in the series. Thank you Irma; you have made my day after all the bullcrap I had to endure in Mighty Ducks. Then we scene change tyo Dave GT blowing the whistle and making two denizens do pushups! Now let's see if Lula can bully this Were-Dave as he is a sexist (what a shock?) as the girls points out that they are girls causing Dave to blow them off for backtalking. So then the babyfaces run in and tackle Dave down to his belly and Dave blows off the tackle as Candy wants Fang to go for the whistle, which is pointless because here comes Princess Irmaplotz from the smoke loving every second of this. Sadly; Flappy chews on her cape just to be Flappy.
So Irma cuts a promo on them claiming that she wants appretication for her evil curse and Lula without any emotion whatsoever (which is her default character by the way) saying that her heart bleeds for her. Irmaplotz is PISSED off and I want to see her kick Lula's ass somehow. Sadly; she basically tells them that there is one way to cure Dave and their feeble minds will never get it as she still cannot laugh properly without the queen. Sigh. It's like Jackie Whackerman not having enough foresight as she disappears in a cloud of smoke. Dave screams "LAPS!" and then runs off as they have to stop him. Oswidge then has another brilliant Krackpotkin Plan as Fang and Candy point out that the last idea was to get a gym teacher to bite him. How they found one is still up in the air?! Oswidge then threatens violence with the wand and they rush in as we find Dave in front of the bar making more denizens do jumping jacks. One of the pirates breaks his peg leg on cue for no reason. Oswidge then gives Candy a piece of paper and tells her to give it to Dave; in which Candy asks why she must do it. Oswidge's excuse: Because Fang is too young, Flappy is too dumb and Oswidge is too smart. Of course Flappy wasn't mentioned; but the too dumb part is accurate. Candy walks in and then catches herself just as the rest of the family bails. I question that Flappy is dumber than Candy. Candy gulps and then walks in from behind Dave and shows Dave the piece of paper. Dave reads it and it's time for tongue exercises. Now what Dave sezs afterwards sounds like gibberish and is gibberish. However; there is a point to this because this gibberish requires such precise tongue exercise that Dave unintentionally bites his tongue and this causes Dave to freeze on cue. Oswidge, Flappy and Fang run in as Oswidge points out that Dave bit himself and thus he returns back to Dave The Barbarian of Werehumans. Oswidge of course does a lot of language gibberish busting that Fang's head is sprained. Which shows that Fang word usage does go beyond five letters at least. More like eight as Dave is back to normal and in proofs Irmaplotz in the perfect spot for Flappy to come in and chew on the cape again.
She's even smiling about it for some reason as she tries to cut her promo and then orders the babyfaces to get Flappy to stop chewing on her cape. Fang mocks Irmaplotz because they foiled her scheme. Then Irmaplotz proclaims that this evil scheme was not foiled because the whole point of this was to make Dave look like a complete and utter dork. Candy proclaims that this is not a challenge as we see Dave take a piece of wood from the docks and he has the same brains as people who see the Vrigin Mary on grilled cheese sandwiches because the wood is shaped like a jackass. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Screw you Candy! Irmaplotz actually WON and no one lost any heat because of it. That is great booking. Irma proclaims that she shall return to torment him further and calls him handsome and then recoils and calls him a fool while doing the funny contrived laugh. As she poofs out; she loses her dress as it falls on Flappy. Irma creates a portal -- which does a wonderful job of concealing her from being naked -- as she grabs her dress and Flappy goes flying as the portal disappears. I still love this heel by the way. We pan up to the full moon as the narrator tells us that the nightmare is over...or is it?! So we repeat the footage from earlier (the one where the babyfaces were eating breakfest with their hands) as Dave runs in a panic. See; Dave bit Flappy and in comes Flappy singing the bunny song looking like the dragon version of Dave. HAHA! Fang hates this; but I don't care as Oswidge brings out the wand and zaps the ceiling again; only this time, everyone except Flappy is in perfect position to be squashed by an elephant that seems to be enlarged with the Mini/Mega Sizer. HAHA! Flappy continues to sing the bunny song to end the episode at 10:26. Illogical spot booking aside; this episode was AWESOME! And Irmaplotz still managed to make sure that she wasn't buried while at the same time make the babyfaces look good while still managing to win. You got that? Good. **** 1/2 (90%).
THE REVIEW LINE
The Cow Says Moon is not the best episode of the series; but it is damn close to it. Irmaplotz is still the best heel in the show; and she came back to get her revenge on Dave, and actually did without making the babyfaces look stupid or weak. While the whole idea of the Were-Cow was cool; I wish that they sung a song about cows rather than a song about bunnies because Dave never turned into a bunny once. That would have made great irony. In fact; having a spot booked on Dave being bitten by a bunny instead of an eggbeater would have been better, even as a throwaway gag. Everyone in this episode actually looked great outside of the somewhat wonky booking, but the twist logic of the human biting spot worked to perfection and it actually made the finish make side when Dave bit his own tongue as a human gym teacher. So in essence; Oswidge was smart in getting Dave to be bitten by a gym teacher, because it was both funny and it covered up a gaping logic break for the finish. Overall; this was a great episode; but you can kiss renewal goodbye now since the rating for this will sink like a stone. That Darn Ghost! had an awesome parody of Scooby Doo, Where Are You (although a little bit more thought would have been even better) and the storyline was fine for the most part, although the randomness did get a little annoying in some places and the fact that a ghost went up Candy's ass in order to make her ass big was horrible in hindsight. Normally I would stay away from the morals; but I just saw rape! There is no way that this is suitable for kids. If even adults hate it when Family Guy is doing rape jokes; then what makes you think that doing it in a children's cartoon is a good idea?! At least in Kick Buttowski; Kick's was an accident and he didn't have any intention of shoving the helmet up Denise's asshole. It just happened. Here; a ghost did it on purpose. HORRIBLE! Outside of that; this was a good episode. I need to watch Time Bandits and confirm that Baloo grabbed Broadcast Sally's ass. Thankfully; I will be watching it next year. So....
Thumbs in the middle for That Darn Ghost! (big thumbs down in hell to the writer who thought Candy having an inflated ass was a good idea) and thumbs up for The Cow Says Moon and I'll see you all next time.