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Dave The Barbarian: Shake, Rattle & Roll Over/Bad Food
Reviewed: 09/01/2014
Do The Bad Food Shake, Rattle & Roll Over Dead!
So we move onto that road towards the end of the series as we see Flappy is out of control more so than usual; giving Chuckles a chance to steal a weapon from Udrogoth. Then the family acts like rigid gender role assholes as Dave opens a restaurant after suffering the most dreaded injury in mankind: An ingrown toenail. Yeah; this is so thrilling to me. No, not really. Let's rant on shall we...?!
Shake, Rattle & Roll Over is written and story edited by John Behnke and Rob Humphrey. Bad Food is written and story edited by Thomas Hart. The animation is done by Wang Films.
Opening Moment #1: Castle crumble shot of the day: A wedding cake with Dave as the groom. Yeah; he's wedding solo.
Shake, Rattle & Roll Over: We begin this one in a sewer with sheep, snakes and alligators as we pan over to the babyfaces practicing the fine art of not being seen which the narrator promptly ruins. This causes Dave to blow off the narrator and the narrator issues that non-pology special of "my bad". Hard to sneak around when at least three different animals have already seen you. The narrator whisper yells to us that the family is looking for an ancient object inside an ancient ruin (that looks like a sewer). Fang of course yells at high volume as we see a mace and a four armed blue pharoah with a skull necklace. Dave screams and grabs onto the ceiling like a cat. Lula comes down blade first and blows off Dave for having the spine of a jellyfish. Dave then demonstrates what a cocky prick Lula is: Dave asks Fang how many temple have they been in. Fang claims that it's six. Dave asks how many had a statue come to life and Fang claims that it's six; prompting Dave to ask why he is the only one who notices the obvious problem before the ceiling crumbles and Dave gets flattened onto the floor. Family still no sells anyway because Dave is the only man in this series with actual sense. Dave goes head first into the floor as Oswidge explains that it's a model A67 and thus no noise wakes it up; only touching. Dave orders everyone not to touch the statue. Flappy throws up a white duck in response because we all know he is going to touch the damn statue. Dave sells it anyway as he hoists his sword and wants the combat rattle, which of course is the giant mace in the room. Lame. Dave grabs the combat rattle as the narrator goes on about the rattle having destructive powers like the god of war and the god of Plan B. Dave grabbing the mace appeared to be like he was on a gameshow where losing would kill him. Nothing happens to Dave during this; which means Flappy has to eat the kneecaps of the statue and cause everyone to panic since that wakes the statue up. The statue's name is Screwsup (which is a neat ironic name for this situation) and under the law of his curse, he must kick their asses. That sounds pretty direct.
Cut to outside the temple AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) for the FCC OFF-SCREEN FIGHT OF DEATH complete with the temple bouncing which has a beak for a canopy underneath the entrance. So they all get kicked out of the temple into a pile; and somehow they managed to get the combat rattle anyway. Dave yells in Flappy's face asking why he bit the statue and Flappy simply does what Flappy always does to Dave in almost every episode that he is in: burn Dave's head to ashes. Yeah. So we head inside the castle with Dave dressed up like a black knight with the combat rattle as Dave is going to hide the combat rattle in the safest place known to mankind...wait for it...Flappy's litterbox. Did I mention that the black knight armor and helmet doubles as a radioactive suit? So he has a pair of tongs and has to literally crawl to the litterbox while overselling the smell's effects. Thankfully; he drops the rattle into the litterbox and crawls out almost half dead. Oswidge is waiting on him and proclaims that the test run worked and it's time to put the real thing here. What an asshole?! Dave officially announces that he hates Oswidge. So do I. I hate useless loads; unless it is me of course. So we scene change to the dining room as Dave comes in with his bath robe on and shower hat being thankful to get rid of the smell; but the family blows him off while wearing a gas mask and clothes pins. Dave yells "darn it" instead of kajabbers as the babyface tell us that Flappy is completely out of control. Since when? Oswidge decides to show evidence of Flappy out of control and in fact swallowing Twinkle The Marvel Horse is a mighty fine start to convincing me. And still, Twinkle manages to cut a great promo in spite of it. Then we cut to the throne room with Candy reading a teen magazine while the king of the elves (which looks like someone took a troll and dressed up in royalty clothes ans gave him blue cue balls as gemstones); and he gets eaten by Flappy. Woof. The elf opens the mouth and puts a curse on frogs and eggs as they will now taste like chicken. That's the best that elf could come up with? Yeah; we head back and Oswidge acts all bored when cutting a promo on how bad this is.
So Dave admits that Flappy needs a little self control lessons that are tempered with love and care. Everyone agrees; including Fang. Of course anyone who knows her knows that she is a psychopath, so her idea of love is shouting commands at Flappy while using a whip to whip Flappy. Fang taps her foot and tries the whip again; only to be eaten by Flappy, whip and all. Candy tries bribery with green bone doggie treats; and Flappy eats her arm causing Candy to panic and shake because of dragon germs. Yawn. Dave then begs for Flappy to shake. HAHA! Only Dave would beg for mercy while trying to get their pet to obey commands. Flappy no sells of course because Flappy's brain is so small; cobwebs are bigger than it. Flappy burps and we head to Chuckle's castle with a sign that says "Vote No On Ham". HAHA! So we head to the throne room with Chuckles as he wants the combat rattle. In two seconds; I have explained what Chuckles was saying in about a minute of promo cutting. He also has a combat pacifier and combat diaper nailed on wooden shields on the wall. Someone is being bad here. So he has a rug and steps on it in front of an oval mirror as the Kevin Michael Richardson lime green face appears on said mirror. Of course the mirror no sells the first demand because it has to rhyme and Chuckles comes up with a promo that is so screwed up, the mirror has to allow it. Of course it is at Udrogoth Castle because Chuckles is the number one heel and his main rival is Dave if you can call it that. So Chuckles as if he's the fairest of them all and of course the mirror blows him off. Bastard. Chuckles proclaims that he'll get in with his super secret disguise which involves blue overalls which he calls elevator overalls; which have a crank handle to make him seven feet tall. AWESOME! He laughs as only he can and walks to the entrance of Udrogoth Castle without anyone noticing. Chuckles is so soft-spoken that he is wearing a white chef's hat to mark the disguise some more. Chuckles knocks on the door and asks for a missing ingredient to combat rattle pie. Dave answers the door and claims that he need a dragon trainer. Chuckles changes to a pif helmet on cue. HA!
So Chuckles is now calling himself a dragon trainer and is wearing the goatee of lucifer because he's the #1 heel of the show. Dave is giddy about this; so we head inside as Chuckles confuses the dragon with Fang as Dave tells Chuckles that the dragon is in the next room. Chuckles pets Fang (Worst...move...ever.) and then tells Dave to get a muzzle for that monkey (I...stand...corrected.); which Fang predictably blows off. How can anyone with an IQ over 12 seriously believe that Fang cannot tell that this is Chuckles because in almost every episode, Chuckles has always called Fang a monkey. Chuckles goes into the dining room as Flappy is eating something; which I discover is a purple squid because when Chuckles asks for a name, a squid gets splatted into his face. So we cut to outside as Chuckles has a long stemmed ladle and claims that to train a dragon; you must lead by example. Meaning the entire family is wearing Flappy suits. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Even better; they sit, roll over, beg and do the Irish Step Dance in succession while Chuckles calls them disgusting worm swill. I am so loving this. Chuckles proclaims that this makes him sick and he's going to leave for a minute and then come back expecting perfection. So Chuckles goes into the castle and Fang is not amused; while Dave whispers that this makes him manly. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. I need a drop and an animated GIF of Dave doing the Irish Step Dance while calling this manly. So Chuckles searches the castle and twists into a U inside the cupboards in the process. Then he finally finds it in the litter box and tries to get it; but the SMELL OF DEATH stops him in his tracks; forcing him to run out and drop on his belly. Chuckles proclaims that he has bit the iron whaffle on this one; but then gets inspired as his Krackpotkin plan is that a dragon can get past the litter box. So we head outside with Chuckles and his awesome elevator overalls and ladle matching iron wills with Flappy propped against the tree sticking out his tongue and throwing raspberries straight at the hard camera. The narrator pretty much sums up Flappy well.
So Chuckles walks in while Flappy attracts flies and scratches his ass against the tree because he's even more of a useless load than Oswidge is. It takes a special kind of useless to be more useless than Oswidge, let me tell you. So Chuckles and Flappy go nose to nose while the narrator just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and...Oh; who cares? Chuckles steps back; takes out the amulet and zaps Flappy with it. Flappy is now his mind slave and he orders Flappy to get the combat rattle. Flappy leaves and Chuckles laughs it up while we cut back to the family in Flappy suits still doing the Irish Step Dance looking even less amused. Sod off! You will dance the Irish Step Dance and LIKE IT! Most so Dave! They notice Flappy with the combat rattle as Flappy goes over to Chuckles; causing everyone to stop selling and realize that they were duped. What a shocker?! Dave runs in and cuts Flappy off as Chuckles proclaims that Dave has seen through his clever disguise; which Dave blows off because it's only a pif helmet, beard and elevator overalls. Chuckles doesn't care as he works the overalls to become 15 feet tall and dances in such a hilariously bad fashion that Squidward would be proud of him. Chuckles then sees that no one cares; so he uses the amulet, zaps the babyfaces and splats them into the castle wall with a red aura light. Dave makes angry face and then talks about shoelaces thus pissing off Fang as usual.
Dave struggles as the narrator tells us that Dave needs to make Flappy obey one simple command. So Dave yells Shake at Flappy and somehow Flappy's brain actually listens to this, and his arms actually work to shake the rattle to cause sparks and Chuckles gets zapped in the elevator pants causing Chuckles to rocket out of the elevator overalls into the air and completely out of sight. Yeah; that is the finish folks! And so the amulet stops working and thus gravity takes over causing the babyfaces to free fall off-screen and take MAN-SIZED bumps squashing some cat because it screeches off-screen. Okay; that was fine as the babyfaces are now looking in another temple. Here's a clue: Stop going into temples if you are worried about Flappy screwing you. What is so important about getting ancient baby products anyway?! Another mean statue that Flappy touches causing everyone to panic; more off-screen beatdowns with shots of the temple bouncing and that is that at 10:26. Don't shake indeed! Episode was good, mostly due to Chuckles and the Irish Step Dance Of Doom. Otherwise; meh. *** (60%).
Bad Food: We begin this one with a "Previously on Dave The Barbarian" screen with Dave in purple skin and gear with Lula the yellow sword fighting a green dragon. Yeah; we are now making fun of multi-part episodes. Yes; they are basically showing clips of Dave screaming and bailing like a coward from previous episodes while things get destroyed and all of this is with Recola yodeling in the background. AWESOME! If they had this for 22 minutes; this would be *****. It ends with the Band episode while Fang snags Dave's leg and drops him after he screams. We then fade to black and we get a thunderstorm brewing. We pan over west to the castle as the narrator tells us that the most indestructable enemy in the whole entire world is...wait for it...An ingrown toenail that causes Dave's big toe to swell up to about five square feet in size and be all red. Dave is sitting on the stool whining and Oswidge tells him to stop. After all the times we heard Dave scream; NOW we are supposed to take this seriously. Oswidge bandages the toe; and claims that he has lots of these as Candy claims that he only has ten toes. So maybe he got ingrown toenails on every toe every year or so. That's a stupid thing to say Candy. Oswidge of course shows off his feet and this is a massive logic break because we have seen Oswidge barefoot before various times and he has the same number of toes as FANG! Really writers; do you really expect kids to fall for that and laugh? Candy and Fang are repulsed and I think they are more repulsed at the sexist comment Oswidge made ("Only girls have exactly ten toes." LIE!). Dave whines some more and it's so overdramatic that I swear Lula is smiling during one of the shots. So Dave decides to give up being a barbarian and open a bistro restaurant which causes Fang to panic and slump to her knees yelling: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...". Fang? You are talking about someone who confuses barbarian with a libraian who moonlights as a barber. Since when has Dave been a legit barbarian? What a baby this Fang is?! Candy demands that Dave not do this because he embarrasses her enough as it is; prompting Dave to ask "since when?"
Well; we hit the flashback as we go into the Great Indoor Marketplace that I want to see burn down to the ground and never rebuilt again. Candy, Dinky and Cheezette are together as Dave comes in and pulls his tongue causing half of his hair to go into his head. Okay; that was funny. Actually; his way of walking away cracks me up for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. Cheezette and Dinky laugh while Candy is not amused by this. We return to reality (no, not really) as Candy then screams no while getting on her knees like Fang. Oswidge does the same because if he opens a restaurant; he cannot make parrot butter and jelly sandwiches. Geez; what a bunch of kids. GROW UP! Of course everyone is against him doing this; causing Dave to try the same knee spot; but he stubbs the injured toe and that causes Lula to blow off Dave as having courage the size of a puddle of kittens. So Fang, Oswidge and Candy each have the courage the size of an ocean, lake and river filled with kittens? That means Dave is the brave one Lula. You need better analogies as Dave gets up and proclaims that he'll show them all, like a heel. So Dave looks at his injured toe and it's narration time as Dave goes to the kitchen to prepare food while wearing a chef's hat and white apron like a good little non-rigid gender role boy. He is selling the foot injury by walking with a crutch. Yeah; he's dumb. He goes into the pantry closet to get four eggs and opens it to reveal that all the food is gone and we pan down to notice Flappy and Oswidge eating and getting fat. Bastards!! Yeap; they decided to eat all the food to prevent Dave from opening the restaurant. WHY?! What is so wrong with this? It fits Dave's gimmick to a T and no kid is going to boo him for do so. Cleaning is what turns kids off; not cooking. Sure; some sexist pigs might be turned off by cooking, but they can sod off! Remember that the entire family is the babyfaces; the side of right. Damn; this show sucks sometimes! So apparently; Oswidge ate something that was not raisins and gets a stomach ache. Good; he deserves it after that spot! So we restock the pantry again with lots of food; and it requires a struggle just to get it all in.
Dave of course is undetered in making his dreams come true; but then the cookbook disappears on the stand. Dave panics as we see Fang is in the hallway with the cookbook; giving it to Candy. Why? Because they are rigid gender role stereotype girls who think that a man opening up a restaurant is bad. I would say grow up at this point; but these writers don't care because they are writing for a pay check. So Flappy grabs the cookbook as they go to the ramparts. Flappy throws the cookbook into the sky and Oswidge uses the magic wand and makes the book disappear. What was the point of the buddy system? Dave never caught up to any of the kids AT ALL. Couldn't you just have Oswidge make the book disappear on the stand beforehand? Oswidge then claims that he sent it back to the dinosaurs as Candy is worried about them learning how to cook and altering the present. Oswidge blows it off as a green dinosaur comes in with a box of pizza; gives it to Oswidge and leaves without further incident. WHAT?! We head back to the kitchen and Dave has his original cookbook on retainer for no reason. WHAT? So he notices a blue colored cookbook with a skull and crossbones on it in plain sight. Oh; like that doesn't give away the fact that the book is evil. Sadly; Dave's visual context IQ is at zero and it's time to sell as Dave takes the book and blows the obscuring dust off of it causing his head to swell up again because he is allergic to dust. These allergic reactions are so fake; because if you recall, Dave was allergic to cheese in an early episode; but was not allergic to milk, which is what you use to make cheese! So Dave is so BS; he's working us with this spot. So the evil cookbook of doom gets a pink background as it is called the Cuisinum Mysterium Cookbook; or CMC. I think this is the first DTVA show to use the word blasmopious in any context as we open the cookbook to see monster food while it appears the cook is being roasted on an open flame. This ends with the viking ham and pie walking in and singing a jingle; with the narrator doing a disclaimer promo. Yeah.
So we head back to the castle as Dave's restaurant is called Chateau Of A Doubt. That made me laugh as Dave is in the kitchen cooking a ham from the oven. He puts it on the table while Dave consults the CMC. The ham grows eyes, mouth and spider legs. The ham runs away stage right. Dave returns and screams because this is the 12th dish that has disappeared. He starts accusing someone of stealing his food to prevent his restaurant from opening at all. So he goes through the suspects which are Fang, Candy, Oswidge and Flappy. Then he has a horrible thought: It was HIM! HAHA! Lula basically claims that Dave is the master of circular logic. At least he didn't accuse YOU of stealing the food you cocky prick! Apparently; his broken toe has now gone into a 90 degree angle with the foot. Dave actually teases punching himself in the face by grabbing himself as if a bully would be grabbing him. Thankfully; Dave stops and admits that it cannot be him because he didn't leave his post. Dave wonders who is behind this evil as we scene change to outside Oswidge's room as Dave is now spying on the family. We open the door ajar to notice Oswidge reading a pink covered book called Love's Savage Swoon. Yeah; someone is being naughty as usual. Oswidge reads a bit and then tears come from his eyes as he wipes them with a cloth. Whatever. Then Dave opens the door ajar to Candy's room as Candy is using a razor to shave her cheekbones. Whatever. Dave cringes and we head to the next room which is Fang's. Fang slides the Strom The Slayer poster to reveal a safe; and she opens it to reveal three dolls. She then hugs one of them with purple hair and a pink shirt. She oodles all over it and then we scene change to Dave spying on Flappy with two larger dragons as they are playing cards. They are playing Go Fish and Flappy is actually talking as if he knows English. Yes; Flappy is working us as well. None of this makes any sense! So we head back to the kitchen as Dave is using the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE while using it for a trap with pizza as the bait. I betcha he stole it from Oswidge too. Actually; that would make sense.
So Dave proclaims that he has them at his mercy prompting Lula to tell him to drink some warm milk. Apparently in this world; milk is a sleeping potion because Dave gets on her case for it. Lula proclaims that he has the sense of a brime shrimp. Really Lula? Screw you! Of course the pizza grows saw blades and jumps off the trap with Dave's back turned. Dave turns around and he's screwed. So we head out to the village square as the mutant evil food is chasing the denizens. Except for Oswidge, Candy and Flappy of course. Oswidge sizes up a submarine sandwich and tackles it down. Candy uses her lame karate moves (which she thinks Darkwing Duck is so cool. No he isn't.) and the teeth pizza slices her hairstyle off and leaves. HAHA! Candy is pissed off of this and demands Dave help them right now. So we head to the door outside the kitchen as Candy knocks on the door as Oswidge is fighting bones with eyes on them. Dave uses the peep hole and basically tells Candy to go to hell; because Dave thinks that this is a ploy to kill off his restaurant. Yes; Dave is paranoid and he looks completely justified. He shuts the peephole and proceeds to the cookbook as the door is now locked with 50 locks. I smell deathtrap! So Dave is reading the book and wants to create Armageddon Souffle which looks like a giant oversized muffin with arms, eyes and teeth burning down a village in the picture. So this requires 98 goat head buckets of sugar, 10,000 eggs, and a pinch of salt. Someone working this one too. So Dave goes to the pantry and opens it. The BARREL OF PAIN lands on Dave's injured toe and he screams like a moron. Yeah; this is getting silly now. So we head to the oven as the ding sound occurs, Dave goes to the oven and opens it to reveal the Armageddon Souffle completely trying to squash him through the door. The door breaks and Dave and the CMC fly out causing Dave to bump and the CMC to fly into Oswidge's hand. Oswidge panics of course because the CMC will kill them all; which Fang confuses it with an ice cream flavor. Whatever. Dave blows off the babyfaces again and then the GIANT SOUFFLE OF DEATH becomes a monster.
Dave instantly changes his mind on that one, sort of. So we head out as the Armegeddon Souffle is lurching around and trying to kill everybody, but BS&P is an ass, so no go. He also has orange eyes that he uses to spew lasers. So he crushes houses as Dave admits that this is all his fault for not trusting them; but then Fang teases the old "You did your best; but it was horrible" promo; but doesn't do it as she basically admits that they screwed Dave's life dream of being a cook. Dave proclaims that he'll trust them from now on and does the family CRUSHING BEARHUG OF DEATH on everyone. Fang is crushed and she manages to get her pinky toe to do a lovetap on the bandaged injuried foot; which causes Dave to oversell the injuried toe. HAHA! So then we notice the Armageddon Souffle use his laser beams to burn the Great Indoor Marketplace to the ground. YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! Finally; someone has enough sense to kill that piece of crap shopping mall filled with slightly defective trinkets and notions. Candy screams on cue because the dream is dead. Screw you Candy! Maybe now you'll start acting like a character and not a teenage stereotype. So they all run in (with Dave using the crutches); and then they bail about three seconds later. Yeah; they are idiots. So they hide behind a house as the AS runs wild. Dave goes into dramatics about cruel irony, which is not irony at all. Oswidge asks about ruining souffles and Dave claims that a sneeze or noise would flatten souffles which according to James Barber is a terrible LIE! Dave ponders over what could make a noise big enough to stop that monster souffle from hell; in which we get a closeup shot of Dave's injured toe. You might as well put a sign that says "Hit Me Here!" and be done with it. Then Fang, Candy, Oswidge and Flappy all have a football conference on the sidelines, for no reason whatsoever. Just find a club and CLUB THE DAMN TOE ALREADY! We all know it's the finish, so stop dragging it out! So Dave is not liking this; but he will trust the family anyway because he's an idiot.
So Oswidge tells Dave to put his toe on the conveniently painted X on the ground. Then Oswidge yells timber as there is a tree somehow in the village square about 50 feet away which we have never seen until now and it falls onto Dave's foot as Dave is saying that this is going to hurt. Dave screams as only Dave can and it destroys half of the village; rattles the entire earth and destroys the Armageddon Souffle flatter than my sex life. Somehow Dave is able to sell this while having the leg shooting up into the air. That hurt in more ways than one as the narrator sums up Dave's scream as spineless; but it worked so who cares?! Why did they bother to have an out of nowhere tree land on Dave's foot when there was a perfectly usable crutch to jam onto Dave's toe and get the same result? Apparently; making sense is horrible in a children's cartoon. STUPID! Now if they were going for the tree; then Dave's entire foot should be bandaged. But in the next scene as he is walking back to the castle with the babyfaces; only the toe is still injured. Again; STUPID! So the family decides to let Dave have his restaurant and be supportive of that. Dave thinks that means that they help him cook; which Candy blows off. Dave decides to get out of the food business and be a master knitter because he got a book called "The Yarnum Mysterium Guide to Knitting" which is a brown book with a ball of blue yarn. So the family gulp and we jump cut to the babyfaces running away from a monster ball of green yarn with needles on it. Yeah; sure, that ends the episode at 10:26. The souffle carried this episode to a decent outing; man, the stupidity of this episode made my head hurt in places. And the souffle killing the GIM is enough for a middle thumbs up alone. ** 1/2 (50%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; we end the Labour Day specials with two middling shorts. I don't have much to say about them as they were mostly just there. Bad Food was only okay, mostly due to the Armageddon Souffle killing the Great Indoor Marketplace for a change. Most of the episode was dumb; and I couldn't get into the stuff that they were working me on because no one cares about Flappy talking like us. The finish was ultra lame and made no sense in terms of using a tree instead of the wooden crutch which was clearly in sight to use. Shake, Rattle & Roll Over was a bit better; but it was the Chuckles show as I laughed hard at the Irish Step Dance spot which made that episode more entertaining; plus the finish was better, so I was fine with it. Most of it was just okay. So overall; a middling short fest to end this weekend. So this upcoming weekend; it's back to Mighty Ducks for three more episodes as we wind down towards the end of the summer ranting session and into the Fall Assortment; which isn't anything other than Gravity Falls. So....
Thumbs in the middle for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.