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Jail Bird

Reviewed: 07/08/2012

Oh Come On; Drake's Action Aren't Criminal! Just REALLY STUPID!

So; we are doing yet another NegaDuck episode and this time he's dragging the Fearsome Over Four into this mess and stealing their powers. And maybe leeching the heat like the bloodsucker that he is. So; let's rant on shall we...

The episode is written by Doug Langdale and Michael Maurer. The story is edited by Doug Langdale. The animation is done by Hanho-Heung Up Company Limited.

We begin this one in a museum with the green PLOT DEVICE OF DOOM as we get the Stan Blather voice narrating the gem standing under glass on the zoom out. It's called the Mystic Eye of Quackzecoatl. Proving once again the crippling display of fixed width font in Final Fantasy 3 USA. It steals people's powers see and then we get an appearance from Winky The Clown. Oh god; if this is some rib on Binky The Clown from Garfield; then sod off writers. And the kids obviously weren't impressed either since the top three syndie shows of all time were TMNT, Garfield & Friends and TALESPIN in that order. Maybe because TaleSpin didn't stoop to cheap punches on their competition and actually focused on their show and getting it over on it's own?! So we zoom out to Drake's hideout as we discover that Winky is extremely cruel to cats with his cat polisher. Launchpad seems amazed because Winky never appears at the museum unless the Mystic Eye is something important. Drake gets up from his chair and proclaims that he is going to guard the eye while LP guards Winky. Geez; I think we know who got the better end of the deal here. Drake jumps down from the ladder and lands in the Rat Catcher perfectly; but he forgets that the roof is open and doesn't see it because his cape is blinding him. That allows him to pull the lever (WRONG LEVER!) and he crashes into the roof with a MAN-SIZED bump off-screen and damages the entire lift and squash the Rat Catcher to bits in the process. Drake pops up from the carnage and is dizzy as hell. Yeah; Drake as an international object equals big laughs, what a surprise?!

So we head to the museum as a dog security guard is sleeping near what might be an elevator. There is also a moose on display in case anyone cares as Drake practices the fine art of not being seen by the guard. And for no reason; he completely fails at it by destroying the armored knight display which wakes up the security guard and he notices Drake entombed with armor as the flashlight is on. Drake of course acts so full of himself that he pushes the security guard into the elevator (despite the fact that he only wants to help DARKWING...DUCK and not arrest said guy.) and then cuts a full of himself promo that takes so long that the Fearsome Five goes through the window without Drake suspecting a thing and steals the Mystic Eye under glass which has no security whatsoever. Drake just walks by and waves hello to them and then catches himself and turns around earning another mock from Neggy. Drake orders them to drop the Mystic Eye and calls him a yellow jacket yayhoo. So Neggy is a WASP?! Come to think of it; NegaDuck would make a good walking WASP stereotype if he wasn't wearing a black mask and having Gedo's fashion sense. So NegaDuck gives Bushroot and Megavolt the right to MURDER DARKWING...DUCK into silly putty. Sparky uses the electric bolts; but somehow the same armored knight display that was trashed by Drake has magically assembled itself back to normal and it's shield deflects off like a mirror and Sparky gets fried and pushed back. So Bushroot tries to bring up the vine monster from the floor; but Drake brings out the out of nowhere garden scissors which seems to be having shrinkage issues now. It's still enough to force the vine monster to go back underground. Oh; and Drake calls Bushroot a Salad Puss. THAT'S SEXIST! So Bushroot bails stage right and gets gonged. Which is the symbolism for almost every Bushroot episode: Cool villain, badly written episode.

So Neggy decides to let Buddy the Liquidator try his luck as Drake is so full of himself and gets squashed with the LEGAL WAVE OF GOD. HAHA! Buddy cuts his commercial promo as he offers a one way trip to oblivion which invokes shooting himself with a water bow. Sadly; this would have worked if we didn't get the out of nowhere boat in a bottle which Drake pulls out and allows Buddy to land in. Damn you Drake Mallard! He calls it "Burglar In A Bottle" just to annoy me and Neggy. Neggy bails out the window showing that he has no confidence in Quackerjack at all; even though like Top Man; has a lot of cool moves as the SPRING OF DEATH demonstrates on Drake. And yes; the moose does get used by Quackerjack of course. So Drake uses the springs and attaches them to the moose's antlers while Quacky taunts him for missing. Not a smart move Quacky as Drake invokes the COFFIN OF SPRINGTIME and both Quacky and the moose get MURDERED into the wall. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That was a fine looking moose YOU BASTARD! Drake dust himself off and is full of himself and REALLY STUPID at the same time as the Mystic Eye is gone. Logic break: Why did they show the glass case when Drake already saw it out of the glass case when he saw NegaDuck the first time?! And quit it with the dumb sound effects on panic moments guys! Drake's way of being humble isn't so humble either.

So we head to the hideout as Drake and Launchpad are staring at a computer as Drake has a "brilliant" Krackpotkin plan which is to sneak into a warped version of Prison Island and try to torment the Fearsome Over Four into giving away the plans that NegaDuck had for the Mystic Eye. Launchpad likes the idea; but asks how to get into the prison and Drake wants to get himself arrested. Launchpad points out the problem with that; so Drake goes to a corner and we begin with REALLY STUPID disguise #1: Jumpin Quack Flash complete with red spring webfoot shaped spats and opposite direction arrows showing Drake's tiny brain to match his tiny manhood. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! BLAM! HEE HEE! Missed again Drake! YOU ARE NOT...POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Launchpad wants to join; but Drake blows it off and springs into the ceiling and wiggles his legs to show how "brilliant" this plan is. You would think that if he wanted to be arrested; he would be dressed up as NegaDuck since he IS a wanted criminal? You expect the police to take Jumping Quack Flash seriously as a heel? That's like a chipmunk trying to be a heel; or a more recent example, Matt Hardy. So we go to the Super Villain Prison of doom as the guards are watching and looking for possible would be escapees. So we pan down to see Sparky is mounted on a wooden cross made to scare crows with electric zaps. Bushroot is tending a garden using Buddy as the water for the watering can. Sparky is getting tense as Buddy cuts his promo claiming that Neggy will rescue them. Ummmm; no Buddy, he's pretty much turned on you. Quackerjack is cutting weeds with the deadly chompers and he is having so much fun; it's driving Sparky crazy.

Sparky talks to his light bulb blowing off Quacky as Buddy cuts another promo about prison insanity as Quacky juggles the chompers with his feet. So we scene change to a sky shot of the streets of Saint Carnard AFTER HAPPY HOUR (After dark) as Neggy admires the Mystic Eye and blows off the Fearsome Four because they are idiots. However; he does entertain the thought about gaining their powers because if he did he could destroy a city in five minutes flat. Don't give yourself too much credit there Neggy. More like fives days not so flat. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... So a dove flies onto the Mystic Eye and that leads to Neggy saying that classic line...

NegaDuck: Ah; a dove. The symbol of peace. Perhaps I should feed it... {Negaduck brings out a cat.} TO A CAT!!

The dove flies up the ceiling as the cat pounces on the Mystic Eye; forcing Negaduck to grab said eye and blowing off the cat as someone from a fiddle factory. Then the Mystic Eye glows and shoots two green lasers; one at the dove and one at the cat and the cat gets larger and grows wings. Okay; the wings are fine; but it gets bigger? The dove is much smaller than the cat; so that makes no sense. The cat flies out the window; struggling as Neggy has the eye and proclaims that this is so interesting that he will be visiting the Fearsome Four after all. So we scene change to somewhere else in the city as Drake Mallard comes out the alleyway as Roller Duck. With red fly-like eyes, and wearing a grenade suit with key starter and a lead pipe on the back; which probably spews out less bull crap than Drake does. Seriously Drake; what is wrong with dressing like Nega Duck?! So he slips backwards just as a yuppie with a briefcase and suit walks by. Because businessmen walk alone at night with a briefcase and suit; suuuurrrrreeeee. That is not contrived in the very least; no siree. So Roller Drake tries to use the lead pipe as part of his rockets as he goes straight up into the air and where he lands; do we really care? Apparently; his jet pack of stupidity (still a lot less stupid than Drake of course) screws Drake over as I expected it to. And we get the Tiny Toon physics of free falling and then Drake takes the bump WITH CHEESE AND BACON onto the pavement. Ummm; OW! And then he burns up in flames...

...which sadly doesn't kill him because he appears in a punk black jacket and has a pink Mohawk and is practicing the fine art of not being seen for no reason. He calls himself Demolition Duck; which is almost there in terms of being Nega Duck; I'll give him that much. He marches towards the grocery store and holy crap; it's the same store I see from Rescue Rangers no less. How TaleSpin avoided this stock footage so much; I'll never know. We go inside as everyone has their arms in the air as a duck robber wearing a red cap and a striped shirt (aw; he must have escaped recently) with a black vest is pointing his gun set at profits. The second robber is much fatter and has all the food natch. The robber back up to the door; and Drake flings open the door and both heels get squashed and smashed against the wall. Drake snarls and calls himself Demolition Duck which sadly he doesn't quite live up to the name as the duck price check clerk thanks him for being a hero and stopping the clerks. Which apparently; breaks logic since the entire press and mob is already at the store to flash pictures. The store manager (who is smoking a pipe no less, I thought Disney would paint that one out?) blows off Darkwing Duck and Demolition Duck (and why didn't WWE sue Disney for gimmick infringement?) as DD crawls under the mob and walks into the street blowing off himself for not getting arrested. Which the conveniently placed Keystone Cops of Doom arrive to handcuff Drake for jaywalking and violating the FASHION POLICE OF LAW. FINALLY! Some police officer who enforce said law! This is a special day! One of them sounds like Officer Malarky; but none of the cops are pigs actually.

Drake is happy because he's going to the Super Villain Prison. Way to blow your cover there Drake Mallard. Sadly; for him, since he has no super powers and he stammers like a lying idiot; he's only going to jail. Or at least we think as the duck and dog officer look at monster shadow puppets made by Drake on the police car head lights. And that's good enough to drag him to the Super Pokey. Wait; they have a police car clear in sight; so why are they walking AWAY from it. Bad, bad logic break there guys. So we get the locked jail cell door scene change and head to the mess hall with Sparky and the gang as Sparky burns his cold slop to a crisp. Bushroot goes into melodramatics about Negaduck as Quacky still seems to be enjoying himself. Kit might be the craziest guy in TaleSpin; but Quacky outclasses him for the DTVA title, that much I am sure of. Buddy then notices two big ass security guards forcing Drake in as Drake does his dreaded whisper yell just to annoy me; and he cuts a promo on the police. Nice one for a rubber terrorist! So Drake is forced down in front of the table with his cold slop and watched on as the Fearsome Four snarl and invoke eye contact violence on him; just to show who's boss. HEE HEE!

So we discover that Drake's slop has more than the daily requirement of rubber as the plate slingshots away and then he whisper yells at them asking about Nega Duck. The heels think that he looks familiar as Drake cuts his full of himself promo on Demolition Duck. Yeap; he looks familiar all right. Memo to Drake: Try sounding humble; that makes you look less obvious. And so the heels realize who he is and they back Drake up as Drake realizes that his cover is blown. Ah; the wonders of humility; it prevents moments like this. This ends the segment 11 and a half minutes in. Drake should have went for NegaDuck's look; it would have also calm these guys down. But Drake is so full of himself with selfish pride that it seems impossible; and we have already done the Negaduck disguise already, so there you go.

After the commercial break; we have the heels backing him up and Quackerjack wants to tickle him to death. Please writers; make THAT dream come true for me; I promise I won't turn away this time. So Drake decides to go for the most devastating move in his own blubby little world: THE SHADOW PUPPETS OF DEATH. Complete with out of nowhere projector screen and dark light/light effects. The heels don't sell and then they tackle Drake down for the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUD DUST FIGHT OF DEATH and they MURDER Drake and then stopped as they know think it's not Darkwing Duck because the real one would call them names like Melon head. Which is exactly what Quacky calls Bushroot on the rebound and Bushroot blows him off as the heels walk away. Well; at least Drake got what was coming to him; so I cannot complain about this. Sadly; they deny my dream of Quackerjack's tickle of death so yes I do have something to complain about this. Drake staggers around wanting a doctor and then faints dead away. Scene changer as we arrive outside of the Super Villain prison as NegaDuck has arrived on the beach on a row boat. Neggy notices the prison and uses the flaming harpoon of doom to create a rope to climb the thing. He tugs the rope and sadly a flat rock arrives to squash him like Wily E. Coyote. Yeah; let's continue mocking Looney Tunes Michael Eisner; that'll get this show over as comedy. NOT!! Neggy is flatter than my chances of having a sex life as we head to the outside of the prison walls as Sparky is zapping rocks and whining. You know; here's an obvious logic break: We have to accept the fact that they are powerless against the guards despite the fact that their super powers (even as weak as they are now) still work pretty effectively. I mean; if Sparky can crumble rocks; then he should be able to zap and knock out security guards with it. It's not like he didn't face the electric chair already. Quacky does me proud by using his toy hammer with invokes the squeak sound on cue. Sadly; the sound guys applied it to all the hammers though.

So we see Punk Drake pondering his next move while whisper yelling. And now he's wearing a ball and chain for no reason as he butts in asking about Negaduck and Buddy cuts another promo to never floss a super villain as he uses the water mallet and slams Drake into the rocks. HAHA! And yes; we get another snow angel spot because the animators have watched too many Scooby Doo episodes. Although Hanho used to work for Ruby Spears so that partially explains it too. So we scene change back to NegaDuck as he tries the hot air balloon approach which the balloon is somehow more full of himself than Drake. I know that's hard to believe. So he floats over the wall and Sparky is pissed off and wants to kill someone. Lucky for him he sees the hot air balloon and zaps it allowing us the air out of the balloon spot and NegaDuck crashes onto the desk of the Warden. Oh my god! It's the dumbest warden in history: Warden Waddlesworth. Sadly; he lost the Laurie Faso voice and is now Jim Cummings. And apparently; he changed his whole look as well and looks more like a sleaze bag than a clueless warden. Waddlesworth demands answers to this outrage. I'm outraged too: That you would be A warden still after Tarus Bullba outsmarted you for months in the pilot episode. Then he spins the chair around and twists Waddleworth's nose into a spiral. Man; the master tapes on that spot look blurry as hell. Neggy jumps down as we return to the look off rock pile as more hammering and zapping ensues. And yay; the sound guys got the hammer sounds right this time. So we pan west to a hallowed rock which the top screws open and out pops Punk Drake being full of himself. And then the sound guys screw up Buddy's water mallet with the squeak sound on the rock sneak as Sparky goes to Buddy and whisper yells to him that Neggy is out to bust them out of prison. Sparky and Buddy leave as Punk Drake tries to walk; but the ball & chain screws him. HAHA!

So Drake does the whirlwind spot to change back to the normal outfit and then the ball & chain to screw him. Then he does the throwing hammer spot to drag him through the wall into the warden's office (which the roof has been magically fixed for no reason) as Neggy is sitting in a chair with his back turned to Drake. Drake tries to speak to the warden; but Neggy turns around and has the trusty flamethrower with him. Nice. And Waddlesworth is tied up and gagged in the corner. I think that is officially the last time he ever gets hired as a warden again. Although with DTVA; you just never know. So we scene change to AFTER HAPPY HOUR as everyone is tied up and gagged; except for the heels and Drake. I guess either the heel ran out of rope and gags; or they realize Drake will never shut up if they strangle him. Neggy threatens to fry Drake with the flamethrower if he does any sudden moves. The Fearsome Four are so happy to see him; so Neggy turns around and blows them off. He brings out the Mystic Eye and zaps the Fearsome Four and steals their powers. Neggy becomes like a generic creepy big ass villain claiming that he has brains. Even though the writers made him look like a more violent version of Drake Mallard. I don't like his chances of succeeding with this plan. Obvious logic break: If Bushroot and Liquidator lose their powers; then why didn't they change back to Reggie and Bud Flood; their original anthro forms like in Beauty In The Beet and Dry Hard?! Again; another victim of Cartoon Duck Syndrome right there. Nega Duck is basically a chimera version of the Fearsome Five and is Mega Nega Duck. LAME! Should be Chimera Duck; or Kimira Duck; works a lot better. Drake proclaims that sometimes it's best not to get out of bed and that ends the segment 16 minutes in.

After the commercial break; we see Drake being stalked by Chimera Duck as Chimera Duck laughs and Sparky tries the zap finger; but it's busted. The others have no powers either; nor logic nor reason (although Quackerjack's reasoning is totally understandable.) as Chimera uses the water gun and splats three of the four into the wall while blowing them off. Quackerjack ducks and bites on the vine of Chimera as Chimera blows him off for not having super powers. Quacky blows him off because he stole his whackiness and Chimera goes whacky and insane. So the Chimera Duck does have a weakness. How funny that Quackerjack is the most dangerous villain of the four when he has no powers and is sane. Chimera flicks Quacky into the wall though as Drake tries his luck now. Drake cuts another full of himself promo and brings out the gas gun to make Chimera Duck suck gas. Ummm; Drake, he has Bushroot's powers and gas heals Bushroot. Chimera Duck uses the vine tennis racket to bounce the red hot pepper bomb back into Drake's mouth. I'm SHOCKED Toon Disney didn't cut this one out. Drake gets snagged and the balloon air goes out of Drake; and then he's put on a water tee and gets MURDERED with the water hammer and then gets thrown into the wall with a water ball which creates holes in the ground and wall; in that order. Chimera Duck is screwed up in the head; not realizing that he said hello instead of goodbye in French. I do not know what Jim Cummings was thinking here as Chimera Duck uses the vines to climb down the prison to the ground as apparently; the entire beach and row boat are gone. Chimera stands on water; looks at the city and than does the parting of the Red Sea spot and walks out of sight as Liquidator cannot believe he didn't think of it first. Quacky whines about it because he wants his whackiness back. Bushroot cannot believe he trusted Negaduck and neither can I to be honest with you. Buddy then has an idea; call Darkwing Duck to get their powers back...

So we head back inside as the Micro Four pull Drake out and apparently losing their powers also made them lose muscle mass. Ah; the Super Villain Special from Larson & Gary; what a surprise?! The micro heels try to butter up Drake Mallard ; but Drake tells them to buzz off, but he staggers and drops on his face. He reconsiders that offer and we head to the city as we see more destruction and chaos in this city than at any other time as tree roots are shown and building are actually being damaged. Boy; FOWL is such a weak sauce organization. No wonder Steelbeak sucks. And FOWL appears in the next episode rant I'm doing too. Chimera Duck zaps a building to bricks with ease and then decides it's time for a natural disaster like a flood. He is sure getting a lot out of Buddy's powers in this episode isn't he? So the man covers pop out of the sewers and out comes the water and we flood the streets like crazy. Then he zaps the water to boil it; or make it hot. In all fairness; this makes sense since water doesn't conduct electric stuff as well as people think it does. Certain metals with water on the other hand... Chimera just wanted to have Saint Carnard Stew. And his whackiness strikes again which he hates. Well; that is good to know as we head on the river streets as Drake is rowing a raft and going into melodramatics while the micro four are smart enough to gather the hot water. Then the micro four realize that if Chimera has their strengths; they have their weakness. And of course only Drake know their weakness better than the Micro Four. Drake covers them with his cape and it's time to get together with a Krackpotkin plan...

So we return to a top of a building with Chimera Duck as he crackles gleefully and we see Drake and the Micro Four on top as Drake decides to run interference in Operation: Achillies Heel. Which is fitting because we are dealing with a vile heel that I don't like as a heel. So Drake dodges the purple zaps from Chimera Duck's head; but he zaps the water below and short circuits himself. Well; he does have other conductors so that makes sense in a sort of perverse way. Drake pulls the wool over Chimera's eyes and then runs off towards the chimney as the Micro Four pour cement on Chimera's Duck's torso and "legs". Nice to see that the writer didn't forget how to defeat Buddy in Dry Hard. One note I would like to point out: Anyone who plays Pokemon will notice that cement can be constructed as a Ground type attack which have normal damage against water and the same with rock. Yet here it's super effective to stop Chimera Duck which is reverse since Water moves are super effective against both Rock and Ground. Very ass backwards if you ask me. Drake calls him a harden criminal as stage three involves taunting and Chimera Duck crying and losing his balance and timbering like a tree. The Mystic Eye falls out and Drake grabs it while cutting another full of himself promo. Then he unintentionally lets the Mystic Eye slip through his fingers and it drops and breaks even though the slip was lighter than the more violent bumps it took when Chimera Duck lost it. Bad logic break there guys. The Mystic Eye shatters; glows and basically everyone turns back to normal size and gets their super powers back. Drake is seriously (insert swear word here) and he knows it. So the Fearsome Four decides to turn on Drake (YAY!) and back him up to the roof edge. However; Drake whistles and here comes the Thunder Quack with Launchpad and Gosalyn who drop a net on the heels and they cannot get out...WHAT THE HELL?! They have their powers back so a mere net shouldn't be a problem anymore. What a stupid ending this is?! I'm wonder if this was an ABC episode too? Drake proclaims that you need a little help these days and winks. Yeap; it's an ABC episode and that ends it at 21:13. Outside of the dumb ending that made no sense; this episode was fun and enjoyable; but man some of the booking decisions were lame and the logic was shot in this one too. Another episode suffered from Cartoon Duck Syndrome with a dose of broadcast BS&P on top of it. Call it *** 3/4 (75%).


Well; this episode was quite better than the last rant; and the whole concept of a Chimera Duck is really cool; but Chimera Duck never really got to use all of his powers enough to make him such a threat. Sure; Drake and the Fearsome Four teaming up was cute even though it was out of nowhere and at least we got some half decent destruction out of the thing. However; while this episode was funny and it did entertain me from start to finish; there are a considerable amount of the flaws to this and believe it not; almost none of them involved Drake. So let's get Drake's dumbness out of the way: He probably could have dressed up as Nega Duck from the start; but that a minor thing and the whole attempts to be a heel were so laughable that I'll let that flaw slide by. No; the real problems are with the Fearsome Four: (1) None of the villains lost their super powers and there was zero indication that the Super Villain Prison had any way to contain their powers; so why didn't they escape on their own. Why depend on Nega Duck breaking them out? (2) When they lost their powers; they only got smaller. Liquidator and Bushroot looked the same. You would think that if they lost their powers completely; that they would transform back to Bud Flood and Reggie Bushroot in that order. (3) Mega Nega Duck is beyond lame as a booking name. He is clearly a super villain chimera; so he should be called Chimera Duck. It's not like the kids don't know what that is. Mythology is probably the only exciting study in school; so why not go for it? and (4) The ending: The Fearsome Four get contained with a simple net from the Thunder Quack AFTER they got their powers back. Not to mention Drake's slip up with the Mystic Eye lead to a wussy bump and it shattered; while the more violent bumps lead to nothing. So yeah; overall, this episode was fun, but again this is exactly what happens when you think "Cartoon Duck" and "DUCKZ RULEZ" instead of Disney Show and good story lines that make sense. Still; Jail Bird should be lucky because the next episode rant is the infamous Dirtysomething and the return of Ammonia Pine. Now that sounds great to me; but this is also considered by the fans to be the worst episode in the series without fail; and maybe one of the worst episodes ever in DTVA before Goof Troop. Well; I saw Bubba's Big Brainstorm; and Ammonia Pine is more over than Bubba is so I don't think it can be that bad; can't it? So....

Thumbs in the middle pointing up for this episode and I'll see you all next time!


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