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Well; You Didn't Fool Me!!
Well; after being ill and watching Dirtysomething; I'm pressing on because despite the fact that the full of himself duck is wearing thin on me. So our next episode has Drake chasing another villain all over the world until he pays a visit to his master and it's his canon master this time. However; this master seems to have caught the modern bug too. So what happens here? Let's rant on shall we...
The episode is written by Victor Cook and George Johnston. The story is edited by Doug Langdale. Victor Cook was a regular for DTVA doing episodes of TaleSpin, , Raw Toonage, The Little Mermaid, 101 Dalmatians, Bonkers, Aladdin The Series, Quack Pack, American Dragon: Jake Long, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Legend of Tarzan, Lilo & Stitch The Series and Atlantis: Milo's Return. Non Disney credits include: 21 Grams, My Blueberry Nights, The Simpsons, The Karate Kid, Smurfs, ALF: Animated Series, Denver The Last Dinosaur, The Spectacular Spider-man, and Scooby Doo: Mystery Inc. among others. 23 Art Department credits, 14 director credits, three producer credits and one writing credit. I have nothing on Mr. Johnston by the way. The animation is done by Sunwoo Animation.
We begin this one with a shadow shot of the streets of Saint Carnard AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) and pan down to an alleyway as Professor Moliarity is being chased by Drake of course. He jumps over gates and lies in the trash as the spotlight comes on and we break the record for a VOICEOVER OF DOOM at 21 seconds...
Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show.
I'm guessing that this is around the time the Rodney King trial was being played out; or something. And thankfully; Gosalyn and Launchpad are in the Rat Catcher wanting to see Moliarity get squashed like a bug. Oh great; the Cartoon Duck Syndrome is now affecting characters who are over. Drake blows her off for being here because she should be at home studying the geography test. Wait; so Drake is implying that Gosalyn somehow sneaked on board despite the fact that there is no evidence that she did just that?! Well; I shouldn't be surprised since George Johnston hasn't written a cartoon episode in his life before nor after this. Gosalyn puts on the helmet and claims that this is more educational. Yeah; nothing more educational than watching a "policeman" chasing a crook. Drake claims that he'll deal with Gosalyn later as it's time to get dangerous. Which involves going into a water pipe that is way too small for the Rat Catcher. Ah; fuzzy cartoon logic strikes again. Barrel of water gets crushed and Drake orders Moliarity to surrender claiming to be a rat. Who does Drake think Moliarity is? Master Splinter's long lost criminal cousin or something? Moliarity blows him off for me and then digs into the ground. Drake blows him off because he'll chase him to the other side of the planet and that is exactly what he does as he goes after Moliarity who is digging at such great speed that we break logic, reason and even fuzzy cartoon logic all in one go. They dig around the core (wait; isn't the core the solid one and the middle being molten? UGH!) and then come out in the streets of a Chinese town. Complete with Looney Tunes 180 flip of the camera as Moliarity thinks he's won.
Then Drake arrives in Rat Catcher and we do this mid air rise spot as Gosalyn calls this all educational since she's learning geography. Drake is dumbfounded because we are in Kung Pow City. And the Rat Catcher finally free falls complete with Drake's neck being like Big Bird Hawk. Everyone drops onto the ground as Moliarity bails stage right and Drake brings out the Gas Gun set to plunger mode. Wow; you know this show is stooping to new lows now. The plunger attaches itself to the back of the truck and you can pretty much guess what happens to Drake next. I'm guessing Drake will be clubbing BS&P in the next booking meeting. He still grabs Moliarity on the rebound though and they tie themselves up against a power pole in the end; after destroying trash cans and crates of fruit and fish. Oddly enough; one of the denizens of Kung Pow City looks like a North American redneck stereotype. Drake is dizzy as we cut to a jail truck as Launchpad puts Moliarity into the back of it while Drake cuts his full of himself promo. So yes; Moliarity is out of the storyline completely. Although it's still nice to see that demons and devils were still allowed during this period. LP then talks to Drake and Drake does some of the lamest punches ever as this town is where his Quack Fu instructor is which is Goose Lee. And I do not want to know what Quack Fu is although we discover that Drake never got his black belt simply because he didn't do this one move properly. Sadly; Drake covers LP's mouth before we find out about it. Spoiled sport! Drake cuts another full of himself promo and looks really stupid in the process because he's Little Grub Worm according to Goose Lee. LP and Gosalyn are not amused. Drake is pissed because Goose Lee doesn't respect him and thus he fought crime to win his respect back. Wow; we knew Drake was vain; but never THIS vain.
So he proclaims that he will drop by and make him respect him even if he has to break every bone in his body. I think Goose Lee's lack of respect doesn't come off you screwing up the belly bounce so you so pitifully demonstrate (and allow Gosalyn to mock you for having a white bucket on your head). It's because you are full of yourself. Anyhow; the three skills of Goose Lee are: The Whip Kick, the Dreaded Nostril Flip, the Belly Bounce. The Nostril Flip is so disgusting; I'm SHOCKED Fanboy & Chum Chum haven't stolen that one. Yet. So we head to a spiral hill AFTER HAPPY HOUR as the GANG OF GAG walks up the mountain while Drake talks about Goose Lee being offended by his attire. Drake claims that Goose Lee lives like a poor duck in a humble shack and wears rage. And then Drake gasps in horror because Goose Lee now has an apartment like compound on the top of the mountain. Gosalyn likes this as they go through the open front door (Because knocking is for wimps see) as Drake slowly walks in with Chinese music and then notices Goose Lee in green swimming trunks on a purple inflatable raft talking to Morty on his Paul E. Dangerously cell phone with two dogspersons ladies wearing red two piece bathing suits. Oh and he's now a celebrity it seems; just like the real Bruce Lee. Goose Lee is a duck who appears to be fat, out of shape, and old (voiced by Robert Ito; returning from TaleSpin when he was Wan Lo in Last Horizons; an episode that is incredibly RACIST!) . Goose Lee somehow notices Drake and when he sees Drake; he magically is wearing a blue suit and black shoes with white socks and acting like he's a fitness instructor. Drake's jaw somehow drops to the ground for no reason whatsoever. I'm guessing Toon Disney cut that out; goodness knows why.
Anyhow; Goose Lee gleefully blows off Drake for using machines, a gas gun and not mastering the belly bounce which makes Drake even smaller than before. HAHA! Goose Lee belly bounces Drake into the pool for fun because Drake is his greatest disappointment. Yes folks; we are going On A Wing & A Bear again; with a hint of Sheepskin Deep and Paradise Lost. Drake blows off Goose's projection; but Goose claims that his claim to Quack Fu is enough to earn him fame and fortune as demonstrated in his mass marketing skills. He also has a dream as he brings out the remote control and pushes the button to reveal a trapdoor and we reveal a table of the model of a theme park known as Ninja Land. Ummmm; yeah. Goose Lee calls Drake out on his projection and Drake stammers like an idiot and then cries like a baby because he's desperate for attention and wants mercy. Drake Mallard is such a coward; Goose Lee should not even bother with teaching him. But he will; because the plot demands it in order to advance. Goose Lee accepts and then blows off Drake for blowing on his threads. Drake thanks him backing away as Goose Lee has a commercial to film and Drake is perfect to film said commercial. Drake calls himself a talented actor. Riiiiiiggggghhhhttttt Drake. So we go to the commercial filming as Goose Lee is introducing Drake who is arm in arm with a lady in a black dress; and then he comes three monkey ninjas. I notice that the blond girl is wearing dark green gloves as Drake tries to get in position; but the blond girl jumps over her and MURDERS the monkey ninjas. HAHA! Drake is not amused and looks kind of jealous actually. Goose Lee sums it up perfectly. It's weird that Goose Lee wanted Drake to show his moves; but got suckered and buried by a blond girl. I like this Goose Lee fellow. I think the commercialization sell out was justified and makes him a better character methinks.
Goose Lee calls Drake flabby and out of shape which is hilarious considering that Goose Lee looks the part of flabby and out of shape. Irony is just so damn ironic sometimes isn't it?! We pan west to the camera crew as Gosalyn is sitting in the director's chair looking bored. Launchpad is liking this though which shows that it doesn't take much to amuse him. Gosalyn blows this all off and bails stage left. She's going to the arcade in Kung Pow City as Goose Lee chops Drake into the ground and does some eye popping moves such as the Eyelid Twist, the Basketball Spin and of course the Belly Bounce as Drake gets MURDERED into the brick wall with a Scooby Doo Snow Angel and some pillar damage. HAHA! Well; I'm not surprise that they used two different moves here because even a Quack Fu master needs to learn move than three moves. Otherwise; he turns in Bill Goldberg. Drake is all wrapped up as Goose Lee finished his spiel with the three bunny like girls (And people are surprised when people called Nintendo's BS&P an absolute joke when the SNES showed up?) as Drake asks how he did. Goose was fine with it; but wants to try again with the film in the camera. Yeah; Goose is tormenting Drake and really, can you blame him?
So we head into Kung Pow City as the streets are crowded as Gosalyn is looking for a video arcade (and really; who doesn't in 1991?) as she turns the corner and there is a monkey ninja with actual nunchaku (in bloody red I might add) and she gets surrounded by another monkey ninja. Were those two rejected by Goose Lee or something? Gosalyn does the Jesse The Body Special Times Two (as seen in When Aliens Collide) and bails stage left. We chase for a while as Gosalyn's back is against a wooden fence and the mini ninja stars nearly MURDER Gosalyn in the process. Gosalyn decides to channel Kit Cloudkicker; but a panel of wooden opens and an arm grabs Gosalyn and she's out of sight. Gosalyn turns around to thank him/her and we see a red tunic wearing duck who looks like Honker with black hair. They shake hands and meet as we discover that the guys name is Duck Ling with flourish music to indicate that the silly pun alert is on full blast. And when Duck Ling does the James Bond spot; he doesn't have a dubious look like Kit Cloudkicker had in Plunder and Lightning. Duck Ling is voiced by Candy Milo who began with Gimmie A Break as Leslie in 1984. She then appeared in cameos on television series like Perfect Strangers, Knots Landing, Night Court, and Days Of Our Lives. She began voice acting in 1991 with Bobby's World and ProStars before doing her first major character as Sweetie Pie in Tiny Toon Adventures. Darkwing Duck is her DTVA debut (as Lamont as well), and appeared as Thundra in Aladdin: The Series, Ropa in Timon & Pumbaa, Chip in The Buzz on Maggie, Coach Sweetie in The Emperor's New Sckool, Imra in WITCH, Kim Possible, Hakobo in The Replacements and Phineas & Ferb. She has 135 credits to her resume including Lupe in Fanboy & Chum Chum, Princess Oom in Planet Sheen, Shantotto in Dissida 012: Final Fantasy and Svetlana in Looney Tunes Show which are her most recent credits. She also replaced Christine as Dexter in Dexter's Lab.
Duck Ling panics as we see the monkey ninjas are alive and well as Duck Ling pushes through the wooden panel with Gosalyn and the monkeys gets whirl winded. So we scene change back to the streets as Drake is driving the repaired Rat Catcher as Goose Lee is riding shot gun and continuing to blow off Drake's use of machines. You can smell the projection from a mile away with Goose Lee as we see a museum like building as a pig fury with a blue suit runs out the door screaming that the Sacred Dragon Horn has been stolen. Drake is more concerned about Gosalyn spending him into the poor house. So wait; how could that happen? However; he hears the pig fury yelling and he sees MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH in proving to Goose Lee that he is not useless and REALLY STUPID. So Drake runs to the steps as the monkey ninjas who are basically the same ninjas who appeared in Goose Lee's commercial shoot (oh if that doesn't give away who is behind this; then how did Johnston NOT get a job after this?) who have the dragon horn (which is a horn you blow into and not a dragon's horn.). Drake brings out the gas gun and tells the monkeys to suck gas. I betcha Goose Lee clobbers him for using a wimpy toy. I check the video...Not quite; but stammering like an idiot will do. So Drake decides to do this Quack Fu style. Oh; this should be fun to mock.
So Drake does the LAME KARATE MOVES OF DOOM and kicks monkey ass to hell; but Goose Lee wants him to use the belly bounce. Drake whines which is funny considering that he has ALREADY MURDERED the monkeys and saved the dragon horn. Can you tell who is behind the monkey ninjas now? Thankfully; the monkeys recover and the distraction is enough for Drake to be squashed flatter than Alexander The Grape. This episode is funnier than On A Wing & A Bear by the way as the ninjas bail with the horn. Of course Goose Lee unpops Drake and blows him off for being foolish and turning his back on a heel. And really; who can blame him? Goose Lee does have a way for Drake to redeem himself; and it's Quack Tao time. Drake and Launchpad ask what Quack Tao is and we don't find out as we head back to another part of the city with Gosalyn and Duck Ling running away complete with Hanna Barbera running sound effects played at half speed. Now you know you are watching a classic! Sadly; that joke doesn't work anymore because most of Hanna Barbara work was done by Wang Films at this point. Duck Ling explains that his people are being chased out due to a developer wanting the land. Ooooooo. That doesn't sound like Goose Lee in the least, no siree. So the monkey ninjas surround the two kids and the two kids hide in a wagon of fish conveniently placed in the middle of the street.
The ninja monkeys decided not to chase the kids anymore and bail. Yes; the monkeys can talk too. I'm guessing the boss is voiced by Hal Rayle (who is also the museum curator methinks) as Gosalyn and Duck Ling climb out of the mouths of the fish (YUCK!) as Gosalyn goes into her Ninja/Zombie Crime Buster mode and grabs Duck Ling. Yeap; he's the Chinese Honker now. So we go to a temple and then a sky shot of the monkeys watching a Chinese Dragon dancing around a circle containing the dragon horn. We pan up to notice Gosalyn and Duck Ling on the beams of the roof. We then notice the monkey ninja boss walking in and proclaiming that their master's work is done. They have the sacred dragon horn and they will find the secret dragon of Kung Pow and bring it to life with said horn. Anyone who stands in their way; stammers like an idiot. The boss is flustered as he proclaims that they will die (death reference #1). Geez; did BS&P have a gun on hand before that promo; and someone called the cops on them?! Death reference #2 ensues as we pan up with the kids sitting on the beams and Gosalyn conceding that she needs help and it's time to bail. Gosalyn steps on the same beam that Duck Ling was on and the beam rots right on cue and Gosalyn falls right into the group of ninja monkeys. If Kit wasn't in the coffin right now; he would have taught Gosalyn how to hang on for dear life. Gosalyn asks for Girl Scout Cookies and that ends the segment nearly 13 minutes in.
After the commercial break; the ninja monkeys grab Gosalyn and take her away while Duck Ling crawls away and Gosalyn blows him off for being a coward. Ummm; there are about 20 monkeys in the scene at once Gosalyn. Duck Ling is HARDLY THAT AWESOME. So we head to a jail cell and they forgot to tie her up (BS&P RULEZ!). Gosalyn keeps blowing off Duck Ling; and even called him Weak Ling; just as Duck Ling kicks the doors down and has his sai's on retainer just in case Gosalyn tries to piss him off. See Gosalyn; Duck Ling used his brains and if you don't have any brains, you get caught and killed, just like you were about to become. Gosalyn then blows off Duck Ling for not using his ninja powers. Ummm; brains Gosalyn?! Duck Ling didn't want to hurt anyone as Gosalyn proclaims that if that dragon comes back to life; people will get hurt. Oh sure Gosalyn; they will only get "hurt". After the ninja monkey basically said the word die already. I don't understand why children cannot say die here when Gosalyn, Kit, Huey and Jamie have already done so various other times. Gosalyn proclaims that she needs Drake's help and Duck Ling is confused.
So we head to the "Kungpow Chicken" compound and into Goose Lee's personal training center as Drake is wearing a purple kung fu suit. I see he's still allowed to keep the mask and Zorro hat. We are teaching the belly bounce today as Goose Lee uses the belly to break the wooden beam into two pieces. Yawn. Drake blows it off because boards don't hit back. Except when Drake is involved as the board springs him back and Drake splats into the wall. Thankfully; no snow angel spot this time around. So we scene change for no reason because Goose Lee goes to him, brings him to the center because it's Quack Tao time! He then ties up Drake (Ah! So this is where he got the idea from in Planet Of The Capes) which includes the ankles and knees; all in one rope and must face three ladies in kung fu gear. Oooooooo; me like! Damn; this is Guy Ladouce's dream job. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So here comes the sword and we have the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUDDUST OF DEATH for the fight as Goose Lee tells him to use the belly or die trying. Gosalyn and Duck Ling run in yelling for Drake as Drake blows off Gosalyn because he's trying to not look bad in front of Goose Lee. Gosalyn and Duck Ling claim that they have seen the horn and then confuse Drake to death as they speak in puzzle speak so to speak. HAHA!
Goose Lee calls this dragon a fairy tale as Duck Ling claims that he saw the dragon horn (which is what he is talking about). Goose Lee decides to entertain the thought though to prove that it's a fairy tale. So we go outside of the city as we head into the forest with Drake cutting a full of himself promo and has his magnifying lens set to "screw you Goose Lee". Goose Lee doesn't seem to mind this time (first logic break of the episode 15 and a 1/4 minutes in) as Drake bumps into the foot of the dragon statue and everyone is in awe. Goose Lee proclaims that the dragon does exist and Gosalyn wants to blow it up. Drake blows her off as Gosalyn claims that it worked on the kitchen sink. So Goose Lee pushes Drake's Zorro hat down stating a proverb that makes no sense because when Drake pulls the hat up we see Goose Lee turn heel and take the Dragon Horn with the monkey ninjas. Geez; as if he didn't give it away when the monkey ninjas showed up during the commercial shoot and then on the streets in a random fashion. Duck Ling is pissed off because of this and Drake cannot believe that Goose Lee is a petty thief. Goose Lee wants the dragon horn to scare off the public so he can build Ninja Land. Geez; what a shock? I called this ten minutes before it happened I should note. So Drake brings out the gas gun and tells him to suck gas; so Goose Lee counters with the belly bounce and the green gas bounces off and drops on our heroes as they cough and gag. Duck Ling brings out the sai's and kicks ninja monkey butt while apologizing to them. HAHA! Gosalyn likes it but even Duck Ling is very stupid because it was only a distraction for Goose Lee to get up onto the nose of the dragon and place the dragon horn into the slot. The dragon horn glows and the bricks crumble to reveal a red dragon. Everyone backs up as the dragon breathes fire and stomps on bricks. Goose Lee proclaims that nothing can stop him now as we get a closeup of his eyeball and that ends the segment 17 minutes in.
After the commercial break; we see Goose Lee proclaiming that he wants to hear the evil dragon roar; but the dragon suddenly...giggles?! WHAT?! Even the babyfaces are confused about this silliness. The red dragon (I'm guessing it is voiced by Candi Milo as well) wants toys and play things as Goose Lee does karate chops and blows off the dragon because he wants to go to the city. The red dragon throws him off with the head bounce (which trumps the belly bounce) and he falls off-screen allowing up a shot of Drake with the gas gun to make the dragon suck gas. So the dragon counters with the flamethrower and Drake becomes no "match" for the red dragon. HAHA! Drake wants everyone to panic as he goes to ashes and the red dragon wants more toys. So the babyfaces plus stupid heel run away into a cave; but an avalanche causes the cave to be caved in. The red dragon isn't happy; but sees some toys from somewhere and bails. So we head into the cave as Launchpad talks about a slow death (death reference #3) while Goose Lee wonders where it went wrong. It went wrong when you trained Drake Mallard; that's where it went wrong. Gosalyn kicks Goose Lee in the shin (HA! REFUND!) and blew him off for betraying Kung Pow City. Drake shuts Gosalyn's beak claiming that this is no time for imcriminations. He wants them to dig as we head outside the city and see buildings are on fire.
The red dragon stomps around destroying stuff and using trucks as roller skates and riding on the monorail. And sadly; the red dragon is just TOO FAT and the bridge collapses and red dragon is in the drunk and probably killed about a hundred people in the process because no one swims out. Red dragon cries like a baby. Well; it is a baby so it's apporos. He plays with a Chinese boat for fun while we cut to the streets as Drake is riding the Rat Catcher as Launchpad gleefully sums it up for me and Drake blows him off. Goose Lee calls him Grub Worm and Drake calmly states that he has wanted to say this for years; and then he screams at him that he is not an Octopede; or a worm. He's DARKWING....DUCK! And then he sees his weapon; a big ass Gedo ice cream cone. Yeah; that will chase anyone away, except this is a baby red dragon who probably cannot process the evils of having Gedo's fashion sense. So Drake drives to the pier with the Gedo cone as offers it to the red dragon and the red dragon buys it, hook, line and sinker of course. So we chase for a while until Duck Ling and Gosalyn bring up the rope and trip red dragon to the ground. Sadly; when Drake stops the Rat Catcher, the cone magically disappears. You just had to screw up somehow Sunwoo. And then the red dragon falls and makes Drake go boom. HAHA! Then Goose Lee goes over and asks him to speak to him; calling him son. Then red dragon grabs him and uses him as a rattle as the red dragon bails stage left. Drake is unpopped by Launchpad and Drake is in awe because he didn't call him a worm. So Drake brings out the lame karate moves and runs onto red dragon's tail and up the back as the voice over of doom beckons at 19:56...
Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the bubblegum that sticks in your hair.
Now this would make more sense if he used the gas gun and blasted bubble gum into the red dragon's hair but I don't see that one coming... Drake appears on the dragon's nose and the red dragon bounces Drake into the air and then uses the dragon's tail to swipe Drake into the power wires (and of course Drake no sells the wires, what a surprise?) and then bounces back and does the belly bounce into the cheek bone of the dragon and Drake bounces into the pavement WITH CHEESE AND BACON while red dragon topples down to the ground and cries. Goose Lee wiggles out and grabs Drake's ankles and proclaims that he is a true Quack Fu warrior. Ooooookkkkaaayyy. Drake is dizzy as hell as he wants a doctor. So we head outside as Drake has his black belt on for real and does more lame karate moves. We see that Goose Lee opened Ninja Land and the red dragon got his toys to play with. So Goose Lee gets away with murder and basically torching the city; plus stealing the dragon horn?! Oh screw that!! Drake proclaims that he has learned some marketing as he will put out half hour videos of himself. Gosalyn does the Gruffi pose and asks who would watch Drake Mallard for 30 minutes. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The GANG OF GAG suddenly realizes that Michael Eisner just heard that and they do some finger trick to try to keep Cartoon Duck Syndrome from being exposed; but it's too late. Darkwing just exposed Disney's business. Even little kids can see through it now. Circle fade out to end the episode at 21:06. Great episode; but a really lame ending that made little sense since the red dragon didn't die and Goose Lee returns as a babyface for no reason. Still; a great episode otherwise. **** (80%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well after one of the worst episodes in the "Golden Age" of DTVA; we recover nicely with this episode. There was almost nothing I didn't like about this episode and it was written well enough and Goose Lee did make me laugh at Drake's expense. There were a few logic breaks and a few mistakes from Sunwoo; plus the ending made little sense to me because Goose Lee never got arrested and charged for stealing the dragon horn in the first place. And the whole projection battle between Goose Lee and Drake was silly anyway along with the nonsense finish. Plus; the writers just had to imply that CDS exists and also basically told the audience to blow them and change the channel. Maybe making TaleSpin filler wasn't such a great idea. Maybe making TaleSpin your future was a better idea. Anyhow; I enjoyed this episode and that is what counts. So next up is the final episode of the first season which is Bad Luck Duck; and then we start going through the mangled remains of the series which are the actual episodes that aired first on the Disney Afternoon; again for no reason other than to mess up the series. So....
Thumbs up for this episode and I'll see you all next time!
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