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Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series - The First Face Off

Reviewed: 06/09/2013

Teenage Mutant Ni...Hockey DUCKS!!

Okay kiddies; now do you remember the last hurrah of the Disney Afternoon, when I talked about the transition from DA to One Saturday Morning? This cartoon is officially the last one in the Disney Afternoon series and featured more and more ducks. Only this time; they were combining ducks with ice hockey and were basing it on a hockey team that if memory serves me correctly, is no longer owned by Disney. Oh; and let's add some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle parodies while we are at it. Welcome to the Rant Shack: The Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series. You might as well be called Teenage Mutant Hockey Ducks and get the drubbing you deserve. This show aired at around the same time as Quack Pack and despite having 13 fewer episodes than Quack Pack; it managed to be the only Disney show in 1996 to last into 1997; albeit for only one month. It also won a Daytime Emmy Award for sound editing which was really the only award Disney could win at this point. Only Timon & Pumbaa lasted longer than any show from the 1997 season and it went to 1999! Which showed how much staying power Timon & Pumbaa had after the Lion King movie was unleashed on all of us. Now I would explain the show; but it is basically this: mutant ducks who play hockey on their off days must save and defend the world from the Saurin overlords. Bleh. I mean; we have seen this done to death in TMNT 1987 edition and it was amusing in it's own charming way back then. When it comes to mutant animals saving the world from alien invasions; the bloom was off the rose at this point. In fact; I did say as much when I named Mighty Ducks one of the top 50 worst shows I have ever seen:

Summary: The Mighty Ducks, an intergalactic ice-hockey team from another dimension, are trapped on Earth during a fight against their arch- rival. With no way to get home, they build their headquarters under a defunct hockey rink, and the crowds soon return. In their spare time, they battle criminals wherever they find them, despite the Chief Of Police's distrust, and track down their nemesis.

My Thoughts: Here is a simple case of a company cashing in on a brand that they own. In this case it was Disney putting their money where their mouth is to create a NHL team known as the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. As a result Disney poured a lot of money into tie-ins which include several live-action movies and even this Disney cartoon. Not to mention that for this animated series Disney decided to use a genre that was popular in the late 80's- early 90's time frame: The anthro fighting genre which was created by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sadly; while the live-action movie preformed well; this cartoon did not quality wise. It was clearly a dead ringer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without the cheesy charm that Ninja Turtles brought to the ring. The animation was all right and the stories were okay; but it lacked the heart needed to make me care about the fact that this was too much of a relation between it and Ninja Turtles. The hockey angle was nothing more than a gimmick to lure children and adults to believe that this was a good cartoon to watch when it had no less violence than Ninja Turtles and that hockey itself is under fire for it's violent tendencies. Let's face it; Americans don't like it because they don't care about hockey anyway and Canadians don't like it any more because hockey is now seen as a violent; childish sport as many are seeing speed skating as a better and non-violent alternative.

Boy; that last line is a red letter lie isn't it? See Team Canada in 2010, see Vancouver 2011. Although my point about the sport being violent still rings true. See Vancouver riots 2011. And as a side bonus; the Boston Bruins (who won the Stanley Cup in Vancouver 2011) are back in the finals after almost literally burying the Penguins in that they allowed only two goals in the four game series. A lot has already been said about this complete legalized murder of a hockey team on the Internet (Tim Thomas? Who's he?), but when three Bruins players score as many goals as the entire Penguins team, one of them scores three goals by himself, and only Paul F'N Martin managed to get more than one point with two assists in the entire four game series, it looks exactly like TNA. Pittsburgh has hit the wall; something has got to give, and like what happened to Vince Russo in TNA; the coach has to go. Seriously; Pittsburgh had infinite talent and their top five players didn't even get a point? Brandon Sutter was the only known player (from me at least; confirmation bias notwithstanding) who scored a goal. The team combined for SIX total points (2 goals, four assistants)! Only the Minnesota Wild did worse than the Penguins (only one goal) and Minnesota at least had an excuse for not having star players. Incredible! I wouldn't not want to be Chicago or Los Angeles right now. You can tell I'm not thrilled to rant on this show when I care more about the Stanley Cup playoffs then I do for a cartoon. The Mighty Ducks were basically there to sell the NHL team (which Disney sold in 2005 in case anyone is asking); and it wasn't really doing a good job since the Mighty Ducks movies were a lot better since the live action one had a 100 times compelling storyline and some excellent acting for the genre involved. The movies were an inspirational tale of redeeming bad hockey clubs, the cartoon was a clone of TMNT. Fairly clear cut choice here.

To be fair; Mighty Ducks is more watchable than Quack Pack; but Quack Pack had the better premise. The reason Quack Pack did so poorly was it was a mess in management and three of the most unlikable children characters this side of Kick Buttowski. Mighty Ducks had more likable characters; but a really stale premise with a hockey gimmick attached to it. So forgive me if this show doesn't sound good on paper. However; since I need a new series to do since most of the "Golden Age" stuff from DTVA has already been ranted on and I have Gargoyles on the horizon. So we are going to begin with the series pilot called "The First Face Off" which aired on September 6th, 1996 (as a two parter) on the Disney Afternoon. Apparently; this is an origin story on the Mighty Ducks as some police captain is nosing into the business of the Mighty Ducks hockey team. Where had I heard about this before? Oh yeah; Burne Thompson of Channel Six news on TMNT. I will be ranting on this in one go and it's 44 minutes long which is about half of the TMNT pilot and Disney's version might be much worse. How does this episode fare? Let's rant on shall we...?!

This episode is written by David Wise (began in 1974 with a Star Trek episode). The animation is done by Studio B Production, Sunwoo Animation and Koko Enterprise Company Limited with CGI done by Helium Productions.

Opening Moment #1: The opening theme is basically a generic rock song with lots of CGI and animation which looks really good for the most part, but I cannot get into the song. This show I think started a tradition of sorts that carried over to 101 Dalmatians the series where they show the characters and show their names (all in gold font); but this one went way too fast for me to notice who is who here. Don't worry about it; I'll get it down pat soon enough. Speaking of modern cartoon banes: Ducks Rock Fairly Oddparents Jackhammering (invented by Batman in the 1960's by the way), net catches on fire, and other silly stuff. BS&P alert: The character all shoot lasers; but the sound effect uses machine gun fire. Yeah; that makes no sense. I thought sound effects couldn't be copyrighted? Anyhow; there are red light on the cast and we go to the logo to end the opening sequence. Good animation; not so stellar song though. This was the allegory of a look; but don't hear type of opening.

We begin this one outside the hockey arena AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) and considering the time frame; it must be the Arrowhead Pond. I cannot make out the sign on who is playing who; other than the home squad is got to be the Mighty Ducks. So we see a police car with sirens on pull up in front of the arena (which is clearly sold out as there are a lot of cars in the parking lot) and the right side door opens to reveal a middle build man in a brown trench coat with a lot of red hair. And there is a lot of wind as a newspaper attaches itself to the red haired officer's leg. He picks it up and reads the headline as this is the Anaheim Chronicle and it shows six anthro ducks in space gear and apparently; they foiled a bank heist. And in one of those "not believable" moments which only serves to jackhammer the point home; there is a headline that reads that the police chief is mad as hell and shows him looking mad; and then we see his face and he's mad. And since he is the chief of police, that means he's Captain Klegghorn, who is voiced by Dennis Franz and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Franz began his acting career at Chicago's Organic Theater Company. Although he has in the past performed Shakespeare, his "look" led to his being typecast early in his career as a police officer. (By Franz's own count, the character of Detective Andy Sipowicz was his 27th role as a police officer). He has also guest-starred in shows such as The A-Team. Other major roles were on the television series Hill Street Blues in which he played two characters over the run of that show. Franz first played the role of Detective Sal Benedetto, a corrupt cop in the 1983 season, who later kills himself. Due to his popularity with fans, he returned in 1985 as Lt. Norm Buntz, remaining until the show's end in 1987. He starred in the short-lived Beverly Hills Buntz as the morally questionable Norman Buntz. Franz had a small but memorable role as a grouchy movie director in Body Double (1984). Franz went on to win four Emmy Awards for his portrayal of Andy Sipowicz on NYPD Blue.

The character of Sipowicz was ranked #23 on Bravo's 100 Greatest TV Characters list. In 1994 Franz made a cameo appearance as himself in The Simpsons episode "Homer Badman" - when Homer is accused of sexually harassing a babysitter, the case becomes tabloid fodder, generating an exploitative Fox telemovie, Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber, in which Franz portrays Homer. He starred as "Earl", the abusive husband, in the Dixie Chicks' music video "Goodbye Earl", as the obnoxious Captain Carmine Lorenzo in the 1990 action film Die Hard 2 and as Nathaniel Messinger in the 1998 film, City of Angels. He began his career in Mickey One in 1965. Mighty Ducks is his only DTVA appearance. He has 50 acting credits, 96 Self credits, and was writer for both Bleacher Bums television movies (1979/2001). He also produced Moment of Truth: Caught In The Crossfire in 1994. Live Forever: A Ray Bradbury Odyssey is his most recent credit. We also discover that this guy has apparently stolen a big ass red bowtie from the Quack Pack set too. Yeap; Burn Thompson in police clothing. Klegg crumbles the paper and walks away proclaiming that ducks were a meal; not a headline as he is walking into the arena, which is ironic because the Pittsburgh Penguins used to be the most awesome hockey team on the planet; not a meal for the Bruins to eat in four straight games. So we head to the press box where a red haired announcer is on the microphone proclaiming that time is running out and for duck fans; this is bad news because the Mighty Ducks' winning streak will soon be over; despite the fact that they are tied 1-1. I realize that the NHL was still using ties at this point; but how is a tie bad? I mean; it's not a LOSS; and you get a point out of it like we do now with shootout losses and overtime losses. Personally; I would ditch the point given to OT losses; but COME ON! It's not like the Maine Coalhards (How lame can you get with a name like that? Not to mention the orange jerseys. Why not call them the Maine Juicers or something?) are even known since they don't play in the NHL. Maine did have an AHL team; but they were moved to Providence and are the official Boston Bruins farm team. What; NHL licensing fees too high there Disney to use the Boston Bruins or something here? So we see Jean Luc Maskawitz on a breakaway while two of his teammates get checked on their asses by the bigger Mighty Ducks team.

So Jean Luc shoots on goal and the goaltender (wearing a duck shaped hockey mask) makes the easy save as we discover through the announcer that the goaltender has no last name and he's known as Wildwing. Wildwing is voiced by Ian Ziering and according to the USIMDB: Ian Ziering began working in television and radio commercials when he was 12 years old. Besides "Beverly Hills, 90210" (1990), his television work included a stint on the daytime drama, "The Guiding Light" (1952). He is also the voice of Vinnie in the syndicated cartoon "Biker Mice from Mars" (1993) and one of the voices on the animated series "Mighty Ducks" (1996). On Broadway, Ziering performed as Nils in the musical version of 'I Remember Mama'. He also starred as John in the national tour of 'Peter Pan'. In 1981, Ziering made his feature film debut in Endless Love (1981). Ziering starred in the feature film, Savate (1995) (V), and starred in the television movie The Women of Spring Break (1995) (TV) (aka "Daytona Blues"). He most recently completed the independent feature Stripped Down (2006). Ziering's next project is Domino (2005), from director Tony Scott and New Line Cinema. He began his career as Sammy Butterfield in Endless Love in 1981. Mighty Ducks is his only DTVA appearance. He has 53 acting credits, 34 Self credits, one producer, one writing and two direction credits (Beverly Hills, 90210 and Man Vs. Monday). Marie, Hell's Kitchen, Snake & Mongoose and Sharknado are his most recent credits. The red haired announcer's voice is done by Roy Firestone who is an ESPN Sportcaster and has been an announcer from as early as 1977. His acting debut was Selling of Vince D'Angelo in 1976 and made cameos in Mike Hammer, Daffy Duck's Quackbusters, Webster, Coach and King Of The Underground. Mighty Ducks is his only DTVA appearance. He has 14 acting credits, 46 Self credits (mostly as a sports announcer) and 2 production credits (Up Close Primetime and Remember with Roy Firestone; both in 1991). Good Day LA is his most recent credit. I'm guessing he did commentary for the Anaheim Mighty Ducks during this time period; but I don't have much evidence for this.

Now; here's the obvious logic break: Roy Firestone proclaims on the microphone that the Mighty Ducks are literally ducks and we clearly see that Roy is telling the truth. The crowd pops for them anyway; so the story is that everyone in the city has accepted them already; thus this kills whatever suspense from the start and it makes Klegghorn a tweener instead of a misguided babyface. Because if the world didn't know about who the Mighty Ducks are; then the chief's anger would be apporos since they could be a menace. TMNT got that down at least; and Gargoyles even more so. So why doesn't this show get it? Oh yeah; it was used to sell the hockey game to American children. It didn't work all that well; although we got Tim Thomas out of the deal and Boston fans loved it..until now since Tuukka Rask has really one upped Thomas on the "dominate a high scoring team" department. Never mind the first round of the playoffs with Toronto and Boston miracle comeback in Game 7 when they were down three goals with ten minutes to go in the third period and won it in overtime. And now the Maple Leafs fans wringing their necks is the new symbol of choking. The New York Yankees losing to Boston after Boston was down three zero in the 2004 ALCS is still the bigger meltdown. So apparently; the shot was deflected because Jean Luc skates behind the net and goes too far to shoot; allowing the easy deflection from a big female hockey player with red hair (that's three red haired characters in this series already). The announcer addresses her as Mallory McMallard and for rant purposes; this is the DTVA debut of another major female voice over. Mallory McMallard is voiced by Jennifer Hale and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Hale was born in Canada to parents from Birmingham, Alabama. She grew up in the United States, attending the Alabama School of Fine Arts and then Birmingham-Southern College in Birmingham. While in high school, Hale began working as a production assistant. After graduation, Hale worked as an actress, commuting between Birmingham and Atlanta.

She got her first big break in the 1988 made-for-TV movie A Father's Homecoming.[7] Later she moved to Hollywood and has been doing voices for video games, animation, commercials, radio promotions, anime, and movies since 1993. In 1994 she was cast as Felicia Hardy/Black Cat in Spider-Man, the first in a long line of Marvel comics characters she has voiced. She has also been a guest on several well-known TV shows, such as Charmed, ER, Just Shoot Me!, among others. She was sometimes credited as Carren Learning. She plays Cinderella and Princess Aurora in various Disney projects. She also voiced the undercover spy Sam, her mother Gabby, the rival, Mandy and Mandy's mother, Phoebe in the cartoon series Totally Spies. She voiced Bastila Shan in the award-winning Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and returned for a brief appearance in the sequel, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II The Sith Lords. She later voiced the female version of Jaden Korr in Star Wars: Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy. In the BioWare MMOPRG Star Wars: The Old Republic Hale voiced the Republic Trooper Female as well as the recurring NPC Jedi Grand Master Satele Shan. Hale also voiced Bastila Shan in cameo role during the game's Jedi Consular storyline. Hale interpreted the voices of Fall-From-Grace and Deionarra in the computer-role-playing-game Planescape: Torment. She voiced the female version of Commander Shepard in the video game series Mass Effect, noted for her nomination for "Best Performance by a Human Female" award at the 2010 Spike Video Game Awards (Mass Effect 2). She is also known as the "voice" of Samus Aran in all three games in the Metroid Prime trilogy, providing grunts and screams as the player moves and takes damage. Hale is also known for playing several voices in the Metal Gear series (Naomi Hunter in Metal Gear Solid, Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes and Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots and Emma Emmerich in Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty).[3]

Hale was also the voice of Jean Grey in Wolverine and the X-Men and Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds as well as a small role in Swat Kats. She also voiced British mercenary Jennifer Mui in Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction and Mercenaries 2: World in Flames. In 2003, Hale voiced Mrs. Little in the short-lived Stuart Little: The Animated Series. In 2011 she was the voice of Carol Danvers, AKA: Ms. Marvel on Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Most recently, Jennifer provided the voice for the protagonist companion of the main player character in Diablo III, Leah, and in 2013 she appeared as Rosalind Lutece in Bioshock Infinite. Jennifer Hale was born in Goose Bay, Newfoundland in 1972. Mighty Ducks his her DTVA debut and also appearance as Cinderella/Princess Aurora, Natasha in Filmore, Lilo & Stitch The Series, Action Hero in Kim Possible, American Dragon: Jake Long as Cerebus/Iris, Gina/Margo in Brandy & Mr. Whiskers, Carla in Phineas & Ferb and Cinderella in Sofia The First: Once Upon A Princess. She has 274 acting credits and two self credits to her resume. Fuse as Naya and Xiaolin Chronicles as Kimiko Tohomiko are her most recent credits. Wow; only a minute in and on the sixth paragraph already. Jean Luc manages to get the puck back (here's a clue Jean Luc: PASS THE DAMN PUCK!); but it's stolen by a brown skinned duck with a black eyepatch on his right eye. I thought the NHL was above this lack of regulation? Get a visor Duck L'Orange. Orange you glad he wasn't called Duke L'Banana and have Gedo's fashion sense? Duke is voice by Jeff Bennett and Duke actually has a criminal past as a jewel thief. Sadly; I have zero sympathy for him since he has Drake's ego only at 1/10th speed. So we jump cut to a blond haired large female duck (Larson & Gary must be their personal "trainers") as she has the puck now. Since we have seen Mallory and she's red haired; this is Tanya who is voiced by April Winchell. She is the resident genius of the group and she shows her smarts by skipping and then on zero; she slides with the skates and bends down allowing Jean Luc to be hip checked over her back and takes a MAN-SIZED bump off-screen. That was pretty neat; so Tanya I like already. Tanya tries a pass as the crowd is popping like crazy; but because of budget limits in animation; the house is clearly 80% full.

So Jean Luc grabs the puck again and we have another three man rush as a giant ass brown skinned male duck with black hair and a ponytail skates to them and sounds like someone who has been watching too many Master Splinter scenes. Yeah; he's big and strong, but he has the ZEN OF CALMNESS inside his veins. Or something like that. This is Grin according to the character sketches I have been given and Grin is voiced by Brad Garrett and according to the USIMDB: Standing 6 feet 8-1/2 inches tall, Garrett grew up in Woodland Hills outside of Los Angeles. His father was a hearing aid specialist working in geriatrics and his mother was a housewife. Garrett spent a whopping six weeks at UCLA before going into stand-up comedy full time. He began performing his act at various Los Angeles comedy clubs, getting his start at the Ice House in Pasadena and the Improv in Hollywood. In 1984, he became the first $100,000 grand champion winner in the comedy category of "Star Search" (1983). This led to his first appearance, at age 23, on "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" (1962), making him one of the youngest comedians ever to perform on the show. In 1986, Garrett told a joke the talent booker warned him against and he hasn't been on the show since. Following his "Tonight Show" appearance, Garrett's career took off, garnering him headlining gigs at several national venues as well as opening spots for legends including Diana Ross and Liza Minnelli. He has headlined at Bally's Park Place and co-headlined with The Temptations at Trump Plaza. He has also worked at The Sands Hotel in Las Vegas with Frank Sinatra, Caesar's Palace with David Copperfield, and Smokey Robinson, Harrah's with 'Sammy Davis Jr' and the The Beach Boys, and Radio City Music Hall with Julio Iglesias. In 1989, the Las Vegas Review Journal named him the Best Comedian working on the strip. Changing gears, he made his way into the world of television.

He struck gold with "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996). Apart from his supporting role in sitcoms, he has also done voice-overs and appeared in a few films. In 1998, Garrett made a real-life proposal to his then real-life girlfriend, Jill Diven, on the set of "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996). Garrett currently resides in Hollywood, California with his two Labradors, Gus and Mabel. He began his career as providing the voice of Hulk Hogan in Rock 'N' Wrestling in 1985. Ummm; yeah. I think he's one of the few voices to start as a voice and then move on to bigger success in live action; instead of the other way around. Goof Troop as Big Boy Bandit is his DTVA debut and was in Bonkers as Fireball Frank (among others), Marsupilami as Eduardo, The Snookums & Meat Funny Cartoon as Shirley Pimple, Quack Pack as Beef Jerky (yeah; I know I didn't do his tribute until now; but whatever), Timon & Pumbaa as Boss Beaver, Nightmare Ned as Dad, 101 Dalmatians The Series as Buttons, Hercules The Series as Orthus (which is an alternative spelling of Orthos/Ultros.), Mickey Mouse Works/House of Mouse as Muncey, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command as Torque and Kim Possible as Big Mike. He has 122 acting credits, 80 Self credits, one writing credit (Just for Laughs (!!!)), and three production credits (Till Death, I Kid With Brad Garrett and Dating Brad Garrett). The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Clockwork Girl, Planes as Chug and How To Live With Your Parents (For The Rest Of Your Life) as Max Green are his most recent credits. Thankfully; there are only two characters left with new voices and the rest of the pack is mostly guys voiced by familiar voice talents. So Grin rushes and boards two guys into the glass from behind. Ummm; that was boarding, COME ON REF~! Apparently; he checked three guys according to Roy; despite the fact that we only saw two of them. So the puck bounces back to Tanya as she skates to the blue line and proclaims to the goaltender (with really stupid looking mask on) and Lucy is home which would have made a lot more sense if she was called Lucy.

She shoots the puck and it goes past the goaltender and the net catches fire. We get shots of the goaltender light flashing green before the red light and a shot of the referee in his zebra colors and black helmet blow the whistle. Tanya has won the game. Logic break: Roy's commentary: "He shoots and he scores!". Ummm; Roy? Tanya is a girl, so she scores, not he scores. The crowds pops as we see a boy blow a white whistle as Tanya is cheering victory. And we get ANOTHER logic break: Instead going back to center ice to face off again like in the real NHL game; they do nothing and count down the clock to zero as the game is over and the Mighty Ducks win 2-1 in comeback fashion. This whole thing makes Bea's cheating look subtle in comparison. Maine was ROBBED! ROBBED I SAY! The ducks take center ice with the spotlight on as they touch hockey sticks and it's Ducks Rock as seen in the opening. Then we cut to the Mighty Ducks' bench as it's clear the arena was half full because most of the patrons have already left BEFORE the duck do their Ducks Rock motto. I also know this because there is a fat brown haired man in a gray suit, gray pants, purple tie and black shoes doing the worst Daniel Bryan channeling I have ever seen. He's either the head coach or the owner and has the poorest choice of tie ever. The Mighty Ducks are praised by said owner; but they skate into the dressing room completely ignoring him. I guess that tie is a anthro repellent. So the coach is pleading for them to come back; but Klegghorn grabs him from behind and turns the coach around. He shows his Anaheim police badge and demands the coach to come downtown to the police station right now! Judging by the voice it's clear that the head coach's name is Phil Palmfeather and Phil Palmfeather is voiced by James Belushi and according to the USIMDB: James Belushi was born June 15, 1954, in Chicago. The third of four children - his brother was John Belushi - he grew up in Wheaton, Illinois. A high school teacher, impressed by his improvisational skills while giving speeches, convinced him to to be in a school play. After that, he joined the school's drama club.

Today, if asked why he got involved in acting, he will jokingly say, "Because of girls. In the drama club, there were about 20 girls and six guys. And the same thing with choir - more girls!". He attended the College of DuPage and Southern Illinois University, where he graduated with a degree in Speech and Theater Arts. In 1977, he joined Chicago's Second City improv troupe and remained for three years. In 1979, Garry Marshall saw Jim performing for Second City and arranged for him to come to Hollywood and co-star in the TV pilot "Who's Watching the Kids" (1978) for Paramount and, then, for a role in the series "Working Stiffs" (1979) (co-starring Michael Keaton). Later, in 1983, he joined the cast of "Saturday Night Live" (1975) for two years. Jim came to national attention in About Last Night... (1986), playing the role he originated in the Chicago Apollo Theatre's production of David Mamet's Obie-award winning play "Sexual Perversity in Chicago". He currently resides in Los Angeles with his wife Jennifer Sloan, their daughter Jamison and a son, Robert Belushi, from Belushi's first marriage. He began his career as a Beach Bum in The Fury in 1978 and then was Bert Gunkel in Who's Watching the Kids. Gargoyles is his DTVA debut as Fang and he was the male warthog in Timon & Pumbaa. He has 123 acting credits, 81 Self Credits, one direction credit (According to Jim), two producer credits (Mutant Video), and three writing credits (32 episodes of Saturday Night Live, The Birthday Boy and Number One With A Bullet). The Secret Lives of Dorks as Bronko is his most recent credit. So we head to Klegghorn's office at the police station as Phil is making excuses on a parking ticket that are so unbelievable that they are not believable even in a court of corruption. Lucky for Phil; Klegg isn't interested in his problem because he wants to talk about those Mighty Ducks that have been screwing him over. Phil looks at his wrist as Klegg wants to know where six vigilante ducks come from and Phil points out that they do not come from another planet; but from another universe And we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! So; we are doing Beauty & The Beet; only the origin story are the actual babyfaces.

Anyhow; Phil monologues as we get a really decent CGI sequence with asteroids shaped like hockey pucks. Seriously; that is what they are shaped as. Since MXC is gone; the Kenny Blankenship jokes are retired in case anyone wants to know. So we zoom in on a blue planet as Phil explains that this is Puck World; which is a planet that is inhabited by Anthro ducks and we zoom into the center park where we see a statue of Wildwing; only he's known as Drake DuCaine. Now; if they wanted to go for comedy value (because without comedy; we all change the channel right?) then why not call him Drake Mallard? Sure; DuCaine (or DewCane in this case) is cute; but at least Drake Mallard would be a nice rib. And apparently; it's winter time in Puckworld all the time since all the ducks are wearing winter gear or future like spacesuits. Phil claims that Drake saved the world from a group called the Surian Overlords and their lord name Dragaunus. However; there are rumors that Drake was not real and was debated on as we see a bunch of ducks playing alley ice hockey; not unlike Canadian kids playing street hockey (CARRRRR!!). So we see another dark skinned dark with blond hair; only he is clearly male as he basically explains the whole thing while skating circles around the trash can hockey net; while Wildwing is the goaltender; only smaller for some reason. He is wearing hockey skates as apparently; Duke created a hockey mask to see through the enemy and he trips and falls on his ass to a decent bump. Wildwing and his buddy who is addressed as Carnard seem more interested in exchanging notes about Wildwings' ability to be Tim Thomas who is another dark skinned duck with the Kit Cloudkicker hairstyle and purple vest/shirt. Carnard is voiced by Townsend Coleman while we discover that the Mikey duck clone is Nosedive who is voiced by Steve Mackall. I guess Townsend was used as Carnard because Disney was afraid that having him voice Nosedive would be grounds for a lawsuit by Mirage Entertainment. Although that didn't stop Kyle from Kick Buttowski sounding like Spongebob Squarepants. At least for one episode.

Wildwing proclaims that Canard is the true team player and deserves to be captain as he thinks Duke DuCain is merely a legend which offends Michael Nosedivangelo. Oh come on! Nosedive is clearly a duck version of Michelangelo from TMNT 1987. How can he be anything else. I'm guessing Wildwing is Leo; Tanya is Donatello, and Duke L'Orange is the smarter version of Ralph. So Grin is a steroid freak version of Master Splinter, Phil is April O'Neil and Drangous is the Shredder. Nosedive tells Wildwing to smell it because Duke is the most radical duck on the planet while wiping himself off. Man; Steve sounds like a poor man's Mikey too. Why not use him instead of whomever voiced Gunther in Kick Buttowski? Wildwing puts his hands on Nosedive's shoulders and tells him to relax as we discover that Nosedive is his little brother. They walk away stage northwest as Wildwing proclaims that the Saurians disappeared hundreds of years ago and are not coming back. Phil monologues that Wildwing was wrong as we scene change to in space as there are a spiral formation of asteroids and one ship as we head inside the cockpit to see a large orange alien with a brown face mask and armor is manning the controls and informs a red dragon like alien with yellow whites in his eyes. He addresses him as Lord Dragonous who is the main heel of this show. Basically; another Shredder clone. It's pretty easy to tell who is playing who here in this show because as I said earlier; it feels like a hockey version of TMNT. Dragonous is voiced by Tim Curry in yet another role involving him as a main heel who has a personal grunge against ducks. Dragonus' eyes flash red and snorts some flames as he orders the decloaking right now as we get a closeup of his mouth. Why bother when we have already seen most of his face already. So the buttons are pressed and out comes dozens of red alien ships out of nowhere and they all circle the planet while the main ship which has a much large neck and a face of a dragon on the nose of the ship as someone is laughing in the background and I'm guessing it's Dragonus.

The brown alien I do believe is Siege (who would be voiced by the same guy who voiced Magnus in Kick Buttowski: Clancy Brown) and Dragonus appears as he is the last overlord of the Saurian Empire and he wants revenge on those ducks. He's wearing a lot of purple here too along with the same almond armor as the larger orange alien which I believe to be Siege. Dragonus pushes a button and we see stock footage of the ducks playing hockey from earlier as Dragonus pretty much admits that Duke DuCaine's heroic tactics did in fact happen and that the sins of Duke DuCaine will be thrust upon the denizens of Puck World. So Siege is listening to the babble as an ugly green alien wearing the same armor arrives and he's addressed by Chameleon (voiced by Frank Welker) as he is a clear shapeshifter as he changes into William Shakespeare if he were green to the gills so to speak and does the reciting spot Donald did in Heavy Dental. So I'm guessing Chameleon is Baxter Stockman the funny white guy version. So that makes Siege playing both Rocksteady and Bebop only Siege is smarter. At least it looks that way. Then he changes to Gruncho Marx and has the glasses on as his finger is a cigar. Okay; that was cute as he changes back into himself and we get the smoke cloud of doom and here comes Dar...Oh wait; it's just a really good version of a lich complete with purple robes and staff. He also has the late Tony Jay's voice and his name is Wraith, indicating that he is undead too. Wraith is probably the best character of the series and the main reason why this show sucks. You see; Wraith's main gimmick is that whenever Dragonus and his minion come up with a Krackpotkin plan; Wraith points out that this is a bad idea and it's repeated in every episode. So every time Wraith tells us that this is a bad idea; you can guess the finish even before the plan comes to fruition. Meaning; what is the point of watching a show when the heel voice of reason eliminates the incentive of watching the show. It's like saying that Hulk Hogan is old and broken down. Everyone turn the F'N channel! YOU BASICALLY TOLD THEM TO YOU ASSHOLES! YOU TOLD THEM TO TURN THE F'N CHANNEL!

Now there's no problem with questioning the plan; but Wraith isn't making any pretenses on the lack of success in Dragonus' plan. That means; it's almost impossible to explain why I should even go on watching this crap. Yes Krang does point out bad plans; but at least Krang is mocking Shredder with it (which is what Wraith apparently is suppose to inspire to I guess) and Shredder does have a degree of success some of the time. We are on the 14th paragraph and we are not even a third of the way into this thing. Siege thinks Chameleon tastes like chicken so; he hates the green guy already. Not easy being green eh? Wraith does suggest using the dark powers of their ancestors to win; but Dragonus blows it off because he's the dictator and the questions for this are closed. Yeah; render the main heel stupid before he does anything stupid. He slams his fists on the console which fuzzes out the television screen and we scene change to a fortress city as six alien ship fly towards the city and we cut to the shot of the park where the statue of Duke DuCain is as a couple of hockey ducks exchange notes and one of them sounds like Phil by the way. And then we unleash red laser fire on the city as Duke DuCaine's statue gets destroyed and crumbles into the ground. All the denizens bail as more shooting occurs while Phil calls Dragonus a war monger. NO?! REALLY?! And apparently the airplanes can transform into robot red dragons as they stomp and crumble the city to the ground as the denizens of Puck World scream. Phil calls this a hostile takeover to end all takeovers as one of the dragon machines looks into the hard camera and shows off the green whites in this eyes and howls to end the segment almost eight minutes in. Man; that took FOREVER to get through. Not much to see here though; unless you like logic breaks...

After the commercial break; we head outside the police station parking lot as a white van with a big ass plastic hot dog on top is blocking the view of the police station. The sign on the side has a blue circle with 2 red W letter. Not only that; we have our fourth red haired person/anthro on this show in a full suit and he appears to look like a poor man's Sideshow Bob. It drives away as we see Klegghorn return with some food in a paper bag as Klegghorn breaks logic by claiming that Dragonus is a dinosaur despite the fact that Dragonus makes it clear that he is a DRAGON! Phil proclaims that this is exactly what happened and Klegghorn is more flustered than I am at this point. Phil doesn't seen to care as he puts his feet on the desk while Klegghorn complains about missing a sci-fi killer movie (the first death reference of the series at eight minutes in); as Phil has a burger (Did I mention Klegghorn got delivery from a fast food joint WW?) and points out that Dragonus conquered the planet. So we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! We zoom down to the crumbled city as the robots are making the denizens march with their hands behind their backs, and wearing a lot of red stuff. We cut to Nosedive and Wildwing as we exchange notes. Speaking of logic breaks; despite their hands are behind their backs; there are no ropes or handcuffs and both babyfaces show their freed arms within a minute since this scene started. So someone grabs Nosedive and Wildwing and we discover that it's Canard wearing bulletproof armor and appears to be a military officer. He further proves this by explaining that he is part of the resistance movement and was a former military officer. Okay; I can accept that since he had been gone for months. Canard is recruiting denizens and Wildwing and Nosedive have been selected as Wildwing is not so convinced of this since no one has seen Lord Dragonus. However; Canard has something in his backpack as he opens it and it's a duck shaped hockey mask which sparkles with yellow aura border. Another new Disney myth exposed from the old Disney. And apparently; it's the infamous hockey mask that Duke DuCaine wore which makes Nosedive all gushy inside. Canard tells Nosedive to go screw himself in roundabout terms; which Wildwing protests as Nosedive comes with him if he joins the resistance. Canard accepts but pins the responsibility on Wildwing for Nosedive's own well being. Nosedive cheers as he wants to PART-IE! Whatever Nosedive.

So we zoom in as the babyfaces bail as Phil continues to narrate which was a popular tool used in the Hercules movie which Jim Kellogg panned during his rant on how Disney had lost it's heart. Yeah. So we get some shooting from the robots and we HIT THE MONTAGE~! Without the singing; only Phil narrating as we see Mallory McMallard in her purple suit armor and pants kicking robot ass. Nice. She hates machines as much as Cyanne from Final Fantasy VI I see. Then we get the black eye patch guy in his purple armor with silver boots and silver gloves using a laser like sword that somehow looks like a normal yellow blade on the far shots. He is Duke L'Orange. If you are going for the cheap joke; you could make him look like he has an orange tan. Or whatever Matt Morgan from TNA painted on himself. He slices the robots with the electric sword as Phil relates that he's a jewel thief which wasn't paid off until the very last episode aired when Mallory no longer trusted Duke because the villain of the day was his friend, or supervisor. Something like that. So then we have Tanya (you know; the one who scored the winner in the hockey game; and yet she's playing fourth/fifth fiddle in this episode) who puts a digital timer which is clearly an explosive on one of the legs of the robots and bails. The bomb explodes and the robot explodes causing the aftershock to fling Tanya into a pile of garbage. Sexist quote of the day from Phil (who else): She was so smart she could set a timer on the VCR (implying that she is stupider than most men; but smarter than all women). I don't like April Winchell's nasal voice for some reason. And we finally have Grin wearing a white tank top and doing his meditation while kicking robot ass. And he injures his hand in the process and is cringing in pain despite all the meditation he tries. Pain is not an illusion Grin. Watch Quack Pack and see why. So we head inside a secure room as Phil proclaims that Canard has five commandos and one kid brother as Wildwing on the pan shot is testing his white laser gun while Nosedive is still acting all giddy thinking this is some sort of video game. We also discover that they are inside a white alien like ship which has a duck mask like face on the front which is manned by Canard.

I see Canard has no clue how to practice the fine art of not being seen properly at all. Why doesn't that surprise me? Anyhow; the ship rises from a hole in the ceiling into the crimson sky. Here's one of those things I don't get: How can the real world go to a crimson sky all the time when the heels are winning; while being blue when we see it as peaceful. It makes no sense. At least in TaleSpin when something bad happens; they use storm clouds to symbolize it and it makes a certain amount of sense. So Canard uses the boosters and we fly over the robot who do not suspect a thing because they are dumb robots. So Canard explains that the monitors are from Dragonus' headquarters; but Duke points out that no one has seen them as Canard brings out the duck mask and puts it on his face as he explains that Dragonus has a cloak force field called the Cloak Of Darkness as they are in the middle of nowhere 20 clicks according to Mallory. So the duck mask turns gold for no reason and Canard pushes on the sides to look red eyed as we see that it gives him X-Ray vision. Yeah. And we see Dragonus' tower up ahead as they circle around. And since it's the cloak of darkness; the ship disappears on cue. So the ship lands and the ramp comes down as the babyfaces all walk out expect for Nosedive who wants to know what he is supposed to do. Wildwing points out that he can be a team player and guard the ship. Why you would give that honor to the weakest guy on the team is beyond me because I have played Ogre Battle enough times to know that leaving the weakest guy to guard the castle only increases the chances of having that unit killed and a take over of the castle is game over. It's simple Tactics RPG playing and Canard has screwed up even THAT. Nosedive protests this; but the door shuts up in his face and that ends the scene. So we head inside and we practice the fine art of not being seen by the babyfaces as Wildwing is the front man with the white laser gun. The robots don't suspect a thing anyway; as we see more red pipes in the walls then the Iron Vulture ever had.

So Canard goes to his wrist computer and he tells us that the information he got from his spies indicate that the main computer is heavily guarded and we bail stage left. And we make it to the double doors of doom which look weird because the scene change is a fade out and overlay to the next scene, making it as if they only ran about 15 steps max. That is cheap animation there guys. So Canard calls Grin for this "delicate" task as he walks causally to the doors and presses on the edges; saying mind over metal. He pulls them open and apparently; these doors have spikes on the sides; but the doors don't move back. That's REALLY STUPID and pointless. So we see the main computer room with a lot of purple energy beams under glass as Duke is know starting to sound more like Raphael by the moment. The sarcasm is dripping in this case. So Canard wants Mallory and Tanya to destroy the computers as they bail into the room and Mallory still claims that she hates machines. Wildwing then asks about him and why he was selected because he has no special abilities. Canard thinks this is nonsense because he gets the job of drawing Dragonus out which causes Wildwing to stammer. See; Grin, Duke and himself are going to jump him and Wildwing is the bait. He also reminds him how great a goaltender Wildwing is. Ummm; if you are going to jump Dragonus; why not have the defense man (Canard) be the bait and then have your big ass defensemen (Grin) and your goaltender jump on him since Grin is bigger and Wildwing can clean up in case Grin has trouble. Canard is the smart one; so why not the leader? Sending the goaltender to basically play forward is a BAD idea unless he shoots the puck 90 feet away into the other guy's net. Yeah; and Wildwing calls himself half chicken which is basically what Sidney Crosby has turned into now.

So we head to the open doors which leads to a hallway which leads to Dragonus' command center as the babyface hide behind the door entryway. Canard assures Wildwing that everything is fine and they are behind him. So Wildwing decides to run in and gets about 100 feet inside. Canard wants to give him 30 seconds of a head start; and is about to turn when the double doors (red this time) slam shut. UH OH! Duke blows off this plan and then they hear a heelish voice and turn around to see Chameleon and Siege arrive to crush some ducks. Wraith does the DARKWING...DUCK entrance and has a better idea: Roasting them. Because they might be forbidden to crush them; but they are not forbidden to fry them. Okay; here is the problem with this: Grin can open the doors. So have Grin wipe the floor with the heels and then open the door. Easy. If I were Wraith; I wouldn't join in this fight. I would have Chameleon and Siege fight Duke and Canard while Grin opens the door. Then as the doors are completely open; have Wraith return with Nosedive and order the surrender of the ducks. Wraith can clearly teleport; so it should be easy to find the ship and capture Nosedive; using him as a bargaining chip. And if we're lucky; Nosedive does something good and redeems himself. But again; this is a hockey selling show, not a character based show. So Wraith throws the fireball as the ducks dodge and it hits the doors. So we head to Dragonus' hallway as Wildwing practices the fine art of not being seen and screws it up by blowing off Canard for his stupid plans. And of course there are four guards guarding the door and they see him. So they rush and fire their red lasers as Wildwing shoots the blue lasers and hits one of them. So the robot gang up on him; but Wildwing kills all of them rather easily; including one of the most contrived sequences to a throw I have seen in a long time. That robot didn't even try to outsmart Wildwing or his attempt at Japanese. So Wildwing throws the last living robot into the double doors and hopes that gets Dragonus' attention. And then the doors open and here comes Dragonus and his green aura background. Ah; I see he has a personal cloak of darkness just for him.

Wildwing is not happy to see this and tries to back away calling for Canard as Dragonus crushes a robot with his foot and stalks Wildwing while Wildwing backs up. I find the cloak thing to be pointless because the doors are sealed and it's not like Wildwing can get away anyway because Dragonus grabs him by the armor and raises him into the air as he is disappointed that it's not Canard. How does he know Carnard is behind this? Speaking of logic breaks; Dragonus' claws are still showing when he grabs Wildwing by the waist as Dragonus proclaims that they will not be helping him at all. Wildwing struggles as Dragonus proclaims that he is all his and he laughs badly to end the segment 15 minutes in. There is just no excitement for me in this one; although none of the characters are truly unlikable. The problem is that they are basically gimmicks from the 1980's instead of characters. Even as unlikable as Kick Buttowski and Johnny Test are; at least they have some character. I just don't see it here and it makes me yawn in boredom; and making me not care about this show. I should have done this as part of the Fall Assortment; but I'm an idiot. What can I say?

After the commercial break; we return to Klegghorn's office as the captain is having a drink of soda while Phil is seemly enjoying himself. Klegghorn goes over to the filing cabinet and apparently; we just had to jackhammer the point home that he is a fat lazy police officer because when he opens the filing cabinet; there is a super large pack of doughnuts inside. Phil calls Klegg a booby as he tries to grab a doughnut but Klegg takes it away and accuses Phil of losing half of his marbles. Well; that's because Phil is a guy with lousy fashion sense so that pretty much explains it in a nutshell. Phil claims that Klegg is missing the subtle parts of this show. He is clearly confusing this story with Plunder and Lightning. Seriously; I mean that too. So we HIT THE FLASHBACK as we see Wildwing is on a floating platform with blue energy shackles around his legs as Dragonus is at the control panel controlling the blue energy ray death trap below Wildwing. Great; Dragonus is suppose to be a overlord and he's stooping to Mr. Fat level deathtraps. And apparently; every Tim Curry voiced villain has to have a fetish for wanting to savior duck on the menu. Wildwing offer a nice pasta salad instead; but no go as we head to outside as we see the white ship in the background and the purple lizard looks at the hard camera. So we see Nosedive in the cockpit as he is fed up with sitting on the sidelines (so sezs Phil) and he wants action. So he does the cover your eyes and push a red button spot; and think he got the plane into the air; but he only turns the windshield wipers on. HAHA! That is the first funny spot of the episode and we are sixteen minutes into this thing. Should be thankful this is a two part episode; otherwise, this would look even worse than it already is. So we head back to the computer room as Tanya and Mallory are placing what appears to be more bombs. Tanya tells Mallory that on her signal; push the toggle switch. Of course; Tanya is stupid because Mallory has no idea what she is talking about. There are only two buttons and one is the red button and one is the white toggle switch.

Yeah; Mallory cannot tell the obvious difference between the two; and Tanya makes it worse because she doesn't tell her the color of the toggle switch which would have been an obvious clue on which one to push. IDIOTS!! I betcha Mallory pushes the red button because the law of DTVA sezs that a stupid babyface must push the wrong button at least once in the series. Subverted in TaleSpin when Baloo pushed the red button and Mad Dog was the stupid heel who told him about the bomb bay door release in I Only Have Ice For You. And she does which sets off the bomb and both female blow each other as apparently the toggle switch gives them nine minutes instead of nine seconds. The control center blows up of course as we cut back to Dragonus looking at the chained up Wildwing as the platform slowly descends towards the Mr. Fat Sci-Fi deathtrap of doom. So Dragonus feels the rumble and is upset as he bails to see what the hell is going on. So we head back to the hallway as Siege does the hammer throw on Grin and he takes a wussy bump into the wall. Sigh. Canard has Chameleon; but he insults him one too many times and Chameleon shape shifts into an alien baby who is 3 1/2 years old; which is the target audience of Fanboy, Chum Chum and John Cena if you believe the Rock. Duke and Wraith have a sword fight. Wraith saying playing fire with fire is stupid because Duke's sword is electrical. He should say: "Play Frier with Fire" since electricity can fry you to a crisp. Did I mention Chameleon shifted into another celeb that I don't give a crap about. Apparently; Chameleon knocks down Carnard because he's on the floor panting as Siege comes in and is going for the kill. But that is the distraction Grin needed as he grabs Siege by the tail and hammer throws him into Chameleon and Wraith knocking them away and down to the ground with a decent off-screen bump. Chameleon returns to normal as Duke breathes a sigh of relief. Siege is on his belly as his wrist monitor lights up with Dragonus ordering them to go to the Raptaur (I'm guessing that is the name of their ship) because all hell is breaking loose. Apparently; the computer cells are overloading as the heels use their wrist watches and teleport out with green light. Well; that renders Wraith into just a "I told you so" with a flaming sword. In other words: Vox Day. Since Vox Day is a contemptible ghoul; Wraith is apporos.

Duke has the electric sword set to profit and calls this too easy. NO?! REALLY?! Carnard is more concerned about Wildwing as we see the Raptaur inside a darkened room as the engine start and the flames are redish in color. So heels=red; babyfaces=blue. This is like Fire Emblem: Awakening now and I wish I was playing that instead of doing this two part episode. The Raptaur breaks through the door and flies away as we cut to Wildwing being about a foot and half away from frying as the male babyfaces run in and Duke uses his grappling hook gun on the ceiling. He swings like Tarzan and grabs Wildwing while using his sword to cut the energy shackles on the rebound back up. Okay; nothing broke logic here; just odd that he had to do it while in mid flight. So the female babyfaces run in to inform the males that they only have thirty seconds left and we get another explosion and that brings Mallory and Tanya down to their bellies. The smoke clears and we see a huge gaping hole where they can jump; and Canard is now pissed off because the babyfaces' ship is gone. That makes no sense because shouldn't the ship be invisible? Okay; I'm addressing the logic break from earlier since it makes sense for the thing to be visible now since the computer is destroyed. Canard blows off Nosedive again; but then the white ship lowers down and Nosedive is driving it for no reason whatsoever and cheering at his work. So the babyfaces get on board as the entire tower of doom blows up like crazy as the ship drives away safely as we get the atomic bomb explosion spot. Yawn. So the babyface ship chases after the Raptaur and Siege is not liking this at all as Dragonus throws the switch because he is using the same plan he used to escape the dimensional prison as the front of the ship fires a Wii energy lighting beam and we have a worm hole. So the heel enter through and the babyfaces follow as Wildwing orders Nosedive to crank it up and Nosedive does exactly that. More chasing as Dragonus pushes a button and unleashes a destabilized worm which is basically a blue energy like rope they used as shackles on Wildwing's ankles earlier. It attaches itself to the white ship as Tanya deduces the obvious for us.

So we discover that it needs matter to feed on and Wildwing wants to jettison something out; but everything is bolted down. Then Carnard goes to the side door of the ship and opens it releasing air and getting Wildwing's attention. Wildwing runs in and demands answers as Canard proclaims that he is using himself as matter for the worm. Wildwing calls him crazy and yeah; this is almost Kit Cloudkicker level crazy. Almost. Carnard takes the golden mask off (and it doesn't change back to gray metal. Logic break; ho hum) and offers Wildwing it as Wildwing seemly refuses it. Canard's legs are grabbed by the blue electric worm as Wildwing and Grin grab onto Canard and we have a tug of war which I'm certain Carnard is not amused to seeing. The worm is clearly winning as Wildwing is only able to grab the mask now as Canard simply lets go and is consumed by the electric worm. And he died. At least in theory as Wildwing is pulled back in by Grin and Grin talks about how evolved a soul Canard is. Okay; this is probably the best thing that has happened in this episode and it's still not memorable for me. Sorry; there was no tears shed here because I didn't care about Canard much at all. He was just there to die in this case. Nosedive points out that Dragonus is getting away; and that snaps Wildwing out of his funk as he puts the mask in the backpack which is out of nowhere, and then proclaims that they will follow him. And never mentions Canard at all which shows that even the characters don't care about them. Yeah; the jettison of heart begins in earnest here. Even Quack Pack had heart; it is just that it was done so poorly; and probably one of the reasons that they jettisoned it in the first place for all comedy, all the time. So we go through the gate as the Raptaur is no where to be found and they are flying over a city which appears to be from the "real world" (more or less). Tanya cannot find them as Wildwing is more concerned about where they are as we pan over to a road with a sign that reads Welcome To Anaheim: Home To The Mighty Frogs; complete with a frog in hockey gear. Jeepers; this must the NHL's attempt to haze the new teams when they enter. That officially ends part one at 21:06. Just there with a lot of annoying little logic breaks that shouldn't be there if the writers had done the research properly. Otherwise; it was dull, boring and heatless for the most part. So much so; that Canard's death means nothing anymore since Wildwing doesn't give a crap about him anyway. Call it ** 1/4 (45%). Certainly better than the Quack Pack pilot; I'll give it that much. And just to insult me; Disney claims that the NHL is the coolest game on Earth. Is this either a case of huge balls; of that they don't have a clue? Something tells me it's both here.

And since we are doing this all in one go; here is PART TWO~!

So we begin this one with an outside shot of a police station as we head inside and we see Phil on the phone talking to his wife in Klegghorn's office. He claims that he's helping the police crack a case and would like to do some dancing and eating. Which causes the phone to click and go dead. Phil hangs up and has clearly watched too many Donald Duck shorts. Klegg has watched too many police thrillers as the jelly doughnuts are smeared on his shirt. He demands that this story make sense right now. This is a cartoon Klegg; it's NOT supposed to make sense. Although TaleSpin somehow manages to make sense; as do most of the good ones. Phil points out the obvious and we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! I should point out that there is no recap; which is good because there was nothing of note outside of Carnard's death; and no one gave a crap about the backstory anyway. So we see the ship flying around and then we scene change in mid flight to the last shot of part one as the ducks cannot pronounce Anaheim right. This would have worked better if the ducks could not speak perfect English by the way. So we walk around as they comment about this world being similar to Puck World; only better weather. Ummm; how about there is no Berlin like walls for starters?! Tanya thinks that this world have nothing but primitive barbarians. HAHA! I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Nosedive is in the bushes and seeing the entrance to the Anaheim Mall as we do another scene changer; using the CGI puck flying around with the logo of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks on it. Pffft; whatever. So we head into a partially cut down forest with half of the trees missing and then cut to a mountain as the top of it changes into the Raptaur. Dragonus is inside complaining as usual as Siege manages to get the computer monitor online with a push of a button. See; the cloaking device isn't working and they need Chameleon to bring up something called Balearium crystals. Energon Cubes; Transformers G1. I'm just saying Disney. And Siege informs Dragonus that the ducks are here as Dragonus is not happy to hear that as he claims that they need to flee because the ducks are searching for him. How amusing that the #1 heel knows in a roundabout way why he is being chased. After all; Dragonus is partially responsible for Canard's death.

So we scene change to the Anaheim Mall as the ducks just walk on in. And not one human being suspects a thing despite the ducks clearly towering over the humans. Nosedive sees the Superman parody statue on top of a building called Captain Comics. We also finally find out what that WW delivery truck means: Wiener World. Ooooookkkkkkaaaayyyyy; someone is overcompensating here; as someone with two bags of food comes out of the store and notices them right away and screams. He bails and he looks almost like Phil Palmfeather to boot. Duck L'Orange claims that it's like that they haven't seen a duck before. HAHA! I see the humans are doing their favorite past time of psychological projection. So we head inside the comic book store as we have a pink haired female clerk along with red haired punk with a green vest and green shirt on and they scream; but they ask if the ducks are mutants. Mallory and Nosedive tell them that they are not and that they are ducks from another world. And the punk kids actually think this is cool. Yeap; it took only one screaming Phil Palmfeather clone to get accepted. That pretty much kills the Mighty Ducks mystery right out of the starting gate. So the punk kids ask if they are invading Anaheim and Nosedive claims that they just want comic books. So the rest of the babyfaces come in and Nosedive calls them his posse and he's the brains of the operation. And Tanya doesn't even realize that she was just insulted. So we see the ducks confuse a water machine gun for an advanced laser device and Grin gets water splashed in his kisser. Yawn. Wildwing wants to know if Earth has hockey and Tanya thinks that all planets have them. Wildwing seems more interested in Dragonus; but playing ice hockey would help maintain their physical edge. The red haired punk kid (clearly voiced by Townsend Coleman; since he's using his Mikey voice) has just the thing as he opens the double door to the back and points them to the arena across the street: The Arrowhead Pond. So the ducks walk toward the building as we finally see Phil Palmfeather in the flesh as Phil narrates that this was when he made first contact; claiming that he was calm. He screams and the paper go flying as he sees the babyfaces. Then he stops selling and tells them the directions to the amusement park. Wildwing tells him that they are here to play hockey and Phil motions them to come in because he doesn't get enough frustration in roundabout terms.

So we scene change to the dressing room as the babyface suit up in cheese colored uniforms. Yeah; let's just jackhammer the point home about how cheesy this show is. Phil informs us that he got stiffed and moved the Anaheim Frogs to New Jersey which makes no sense since the Devils were and still are playing in NJ at this point. You couldn't just say that they moved to Maine? After all; that would have made more sense and payoff the beginning hockey sequence where we saw the Mighty Ducks beat the Maine Coalwhatever they are called. This show is so not memorable. Where have we seen this lack of payoff before? Oh yeah; the new Disney. We discover that Phil's dream of ownership is going to die if he doesn't find a replacement team soon; but Wildwing doesn't care and just wants to put his goggles on and play hockey. Phil wants them to deal with their first opposition which are called the Destroyers. Did I mention that they are a punk street gang team? Did I mention that they are wearing the most absurd purple suits with shoulder pads? Did I mention their punk Mohawk stick out from the helmets? THAT OUTFIT IS NOT UP TO CODE~! Anyhow; the Destroyers mock them in the lamest way possible: asking if it's Halloween. This would have made more sense if the team was called the Anaheim Jack-O-Lanterns; or something. But they are not as we faceoff with one of the Destroyers agreeing to drop the puck; which is the dumbest thing to do in this situation as the babyfaces all get bumped; the girls take some MAN-SIZED bodychecks in the process; Grin gets squashed and we have a breakaway that ends with Wildwing being goaltender and the puck is supposed to be shot wide right; but one of the Destroyers teleports behind the net and moves the net to the right and it counts as a goal. Ummmm; in ice hockey, if the net is moved off it's hookings, the play stops and the goal is disallowed. If you are going to sell ice hockey to children; at least give a crap about DA RULES (FAIRY GODPARENTS!)! Don't make me send that psychopath who brought a gun into the bowling alley and points it because he gives a crap about DA RULES (FAIRY GODPARENTS!)!

The babyfaces all protest this lack of sportsmanship and Nosedive wants to counter attack big time. Wildwing agrees; but they will do it by the book. Not a good idea; because we saw what happened in On A Wing And A Bear, and that turned out that doing it by the book means doing it in alphabetical order which is not a good idea in itself. Scene changer and we have another breakaway. I'm guessing this scene changer got paid royalties. Wonder if the Quack Pack one was a visible minority? However; the ducks steal the puck on the FPS shot and the animation is decent for the time as they go the other way and Duke and one of the Destroyer block with their stick which is clearly a double high sticking minor if I ever saw one. Did I mention that the sticks the Destroyers have; have teeth cut out on where the puck is passed or shot? THOSE STICKS ARE NOT UP TO CODE~! Do Tanya ducks and two of the Destroyers...ummm...destroy themselves as she passes the puck to Nosedive and Grin bodychecks all three guys; including a butch Destroyer who crossdresses like Adian Adonis. Nosedive passes to Grin as Grin claims that in hockey; anything is possible. The Penguins and Maple Leafs know that first hand in this strike shortened season. Grin shoots and scores as the red light goes off with the sirens. We see Phil in the stands with a newspaper waking up and realizing that these alien ducks do not suck. So he calls on his cellphone of doom and we get the swirly newspapers of doom saying that alien ducks land in Anaheim and they want to play hockey as Phil narrates. I also should note that one of the Mighty Ducks does a wraparound and scores while Phil is calling someone. Whatever. So we go to an official NHL game in the Arrowhead Pond as we see them in the official gear of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks without any rhyme or reason; as they score again on another hapless team which allows Roy Firestone to appear one more time as he calls them ducks from another planet; and they are your Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (the official name of the NHL before Disney sold the team). The babyfaces touch their sticks and then head to the bench as Phil is somewhat pleased; but is pissed off that his lawyers screwed up the contract because the Mighty Ducks get all the profits and Wildwing is using them to show us a blueprint of a secret hideout that will be used as their official headquarters underneath the Arrowhead Pond. Ummm; yeah.

So we scene change to the ducks showing off their "pieces" so to speak which are puck bazookas, puck cannons and ice shields. Ah; I see the ducks were smart enough to allow bullet shooting guns only with pucks. That's a neat way to give the middle finger to BS&P. If only the show was more memorable than it has been so far. Sometimes; BS&P is a good thing. Tanya proclaims that she could whip up a super computer to locate Dragonus; but the technology is at least a couple of years behind. HAHA! Wildwing cannot wait because they want to ride in the white space ship as Phil is protesting this outrage since they have a dogfood commercial tomorrow. A word of advice Phil: No one wants mutant ducks in a dog food commercial. Get a real dog. Or a wombat; as Phil claims that they are easier to train. I think that's bullcrap; but I'm not going to bother researching this today because I have a rant to finish and Teddy Ruxpin is next weekend with the Father's Day specials. So we get a longish sequence of the white space ship taking off using a lot of impressive CGI for the time period. CGI was really good on non organic items at this point; but sucked at organic stuff until at least 2005. Did I mention that the launchpad moves up to the rink of the Arrowhead Pond and the entrance to the dressing room is the exit. So we rocket out and the exit is underneath a large sign that has an advertisement for Duck Dogs. Which is only slightly better than Huey Dogs from Heavy Dental. So we see that the new ride is basically like the space ship; only on wheels. Turtle Van; TMNT, I'm just saying Disney! Wildwing wants to flush out Dragonus as Nosedive proclaims that Ducks Rock as we ride into the street AFTER HAPPY HOUR and that ends the segment eight minutes in (29 minutes overall). I still cannot get into this show...

After the commercial break; in a surprise of surprises, there is NO return back to the police station! FINALLY! So we continue driving in the streets and we...return to reality (no, not really). Why bother with this if you were going to just go back to the police station in five seconds? I'll never understand the execs mentality for this series outside of "Sell the damn hockey game to children". The sky shot is so bad that when they zoom into the desk; the ceiling fan doesn't zoom in either. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy work guys! Phil continues the hard sell on Klegghorn and Klegghorn is dipping his hotdog into his strawberry milkshake blowing him off; because Spock called and wants his Phazer back. That makes no sense. It should be: The turtles called and they want their sob story back. The pitfalls of copyright strike again! Phil warned the ducks that this was a bad idea and we hit the flashback and return inside the "We aren't copying TMNT, honest" Duck Van as Wildwing is playing backseat driver to Nosedive on where Dragonus is. Nosedive claims that he has nothing; AND THE ROCK MEANS NOTHING! Random fact I just discovered: Remember the ghost sprite in Final Fantasy VI during the Ghost Train scene? Well; they use the exact same pose in battle as one of Saurin's minions when one of them fights with your allies in Romancing Saga 1 for the Super Famicom. Seriously. So we head to a couple who have glasses on embracing each other scared to death because a biker gang is circling around them for no reason that I can think of. Did I mention that their motorcycles are bright red? The Duck Van passes on as Duke wants to turn back to fight the bikers; but Wildwing no sells because he wants Dragonus and Nosedive takes his side because this is not their problem. Duke then proclaims that he was on the wrong side of the law and if they don't fight evil where ever it goes; they are no better than Dragonus. That is a really great promo; but it's wasted on Duke because I don't care about this show.

The ducks all agree with him and turn around as we see the couple pinned against the wall while the bikers all stalk them. They are going to make them pay for messing on their turf; but the babyfaces all walk in and Duke has his electric sword ready. The biker leader (wearing a green hood) proclaims that these weirdos are a bunch of turkeys. Mallory asks if they watch hockey; but the bikers say no. When a criminal biker has more sense than your average Canadian; no wonder America doesn't take us seriously. Anyhow; Duke points out that they are ducks and we have the FCC FRIENDLY SHADOWS FIGHTING OF DOOM as the couple bail out of the alleyway like a bunch of scalded dogs. Needless to say; the Mighty Duck do the babyface comeback and throw all the bikers in the out of nowhere dumpster. So Randy Hales is booking this show I see. Wildwing proclaims that biker belong in the trash. What a bunch of wheelism this Wildwing fellow has?! He shuts the dumpster door and we get the CGI wheel scene changer as we are in the Duck Van Of Doom as Wildwing still cannot find Dragonus as they are near a bank which we get a loud boom and red flashes cause the glass to shatter. Duck points this out and Wildwing turns around and sezs the exact same thing Duke was thinking about. So we turn around and the only reason for this scene is to show off the cel shaded CGI sequence of the Duck Van which is called the Migrator according to Wildwing; change into battle mode which shows that cell shaded CGI still has a ways to go before it is taken seriously as a good tool. Oh well; it's 1996, what can you do? So we head inside the bank as we see that it wasn't a bomb (BS&P strikes again); but a red laser cannon which melted a hole in the door vault. We discover that the two robbers are ninjas; one thin one in a black ninja outfit and a fat one in a green ninja outfit. They proclaim that they have all the money and no one can stop them now. Which is the worst choice of words to use because the spotlight blinds them and if you cannot guess what happens next; you have no business reading this rant.

So the Migrator busts through the window doors and Nosedive pops up to blow them off as Ninjerks. Bigot. The ninja turn the laser cannon around and start shooting red laser. Geez; this is pointless since we already had a hundred lasers in this show already. I mean; the great thing about using a big beam cannon in TaleSpin was that it was the only one in the entire series; so the Lightning Gun was memorable and it could KILL YOU (copyright HCBailey, All Rights Reserved.). Nosedive just dodges easily as the laser misses by a mile. Why not fire at the Migrator instead? That would be more productive and make Duke look like a fool for once in this episode. Of course they keep firing at Nosedive as Duke using the grappling hook and swings towards the laser cannon and slices the chamber in half. What is the definition of insanity again? Ninja's bail stage left and the laser gun explodes of course because no one cared about it at this point. So Mallory and Grin run in and the black ninja calls Mallory a freak. Mallory is offended and she was supposed to kick the ninja in the face; but not only do we not see the kick at all (let alone make contact); but there's no sound effect at all; but the ninja sells it as goes flying into the wall. Mallory claims that she dares to be different. And I thought Drake's karate moves were lame? Speaking of a lame way to lose: Grin takes on the green ninja and the ninja does the POWER OF THE PUNCH; but Grin no sells because it was in the body; which is covered with armor. Grin does his lamest Master Splinter impression and flicks the green ninja in the nose and takes the stunt bump into the wall off-screen. That would have been more awesome if the green ninja actually punched Grin in the face and Grin no sold it. BS&P strikes again! Get use to it. And yes; there is a FIRE in the bank that is not out of control and out of nowhere and going the same place. So the ninja are tied up off-screen and thrown in the bank vault which I see as counter productive. Nosedive taunts them because there is a new sheriff in town and he is wearing feathers. Kit Cloudkicker should beware; but he's in the coffin somewhere in hell right now. POW! OUCH! Hey...

So we go to the sky shot of the city streets as the Migrator is running while Phil continues to narrate. Yawn. So we scene change to the headquarters underneath the Arrowhead Pond as Phil is pacing around coming up with lame ideas including giving tour of the actual headquarters. Oh yeah; that will work really well for you. Although it might be a risky way to lure Dragonus out; although it's clear Dragonus wants no part of the Mighty Ducks as he wants to get the hell off planet Earth. This sort of makes the Mighty Ducks look like bullies in my view. I should also point out that the last scene completely explains the mysterious bank heist foiled by the babyfaces in the newspaper at the beginning of the first part. So at least one storyline got paid off nicely. Duke tells him that he has a rich fantasy life. Oh come on Duke! At least he's trying to make a living. So we finally get to see the lame super computer Tanya built which apparently she built in a few days rather than a couple of years. Oh; apparently, some yellow cover book on electrical something helped her. Oh; and the name of the super computer is called the Drake One. Yeah; someone has been watching Darkwing Duck too much again; and doesn't that go against Tanya's character. Doesn't that suit Nosedive more? That question cannot be answered; do not think too much. Wildwing wants Dragonus as Duke tries to explain to him to put the mask on now and act like a leader. Wildwing pats the sidepack where the mask is because he's keeping it safe until Canard is back; and we HIT THE FLASHBACK IN A FLASHBACK~! I am watching Deafula again. And because the creator think that B&W and soft dramatic music is too boring the footage is in blue tone and loud rock music. I shake my head in disbelief as we see Canard die again and return to reality (no, not really) as Duke tells Wildwing that Carnard gave him the mask because he appointed Wildwing as the fearless leader now. Wildwing blows it off because he proclaims that he is not cut to be leader and it's too much of a burden to cast on his shoulders. Which is funny considering that he has done a decent job so far being one. Phil comes in as we get red sirens and a WARNING flashing on the super computer.

So Tanya deduces from the computer readings that an abnormal energy surge has been spotted just as Phil comes in. Apparently; it's really big and it might be the Raptuar's energy source which Tanya calls it the Raptarus for some reason. Oh; who cares anymore? The babyfaces all walk out as Phil pleads for them to come back because there are more important things in life than fighting evil like personal appearances. So Wildwing goes over and grabs Phil and drags him out because Phil is getting a front row seat for being dead wrong. What a bully this Wildwing fellow is?! Phil pleads because he has to sue someone in the morning. So Phil is the head coach, general manager, owner and lawyer of this outfit?! No wonder he has no time to fight evil. And isn't exercising your rights under the law a form of fighting evil?! The doors close and we head to the Mighty Duck's spaceship as everyone is upside down as this only serves to show off the CGI launch sequence. Did I mention that the roof of the Arrowhead Pond now has a retractable roof?! Now in the Yukon; this would be awesome; but this is in sunny Californ-IAY~! And we get a far shot of the CGI hockey rink. Get used to seeing that because you'll be seeing it a lot in this series close up. Needless to say; the space ship which I just found out is the Aerowing; flies into the air as Phil complains about air sickness and wants to make Mighty Duck barf bags. Can you send me a package of those? I wish I had them when I was ranting on Quack Pack. I need a big ass one too; just to be apporos here. So we do the CGI hockey stick and punk scene changer as the Aerowing (I wondered why I called my fanfic Aerostars instead of Aerowings which makes more sense. Copyright strikes again!) flies in the morning and does a landing sequence in a forest. Everyone gets out as Tanya uses her wrist energy source finder and proclaims that there is a lot of energy here. Wildwing blows it off as hopeless while Phil mocks this evil stuff; and then we pan over to the mountain top as the Raptor (according to Wikipedia; but I think Raptorus would be a better booking name anyway) appears and flies into the air. All the ducks bail towards the Aerowing as the Raptorous swoops down and fires a cheese colored laser forcing the babyfaces to dodge and that ends the segment almost 15 minutes in (37 minutes overall). This keep being about little more than selling a hockey product; but the writers forget that they need to sell the cartoon on it's OWN terms. While that is certainly possible with this show; no one cares about doing that. And we still have eight minutes left in this pilot!

After the commercial break; we head back to Klegghorn's office as Klegghorn is eating a chocolate glazed doughnut with ketchup. We are really running out of attempts to make this red haired detective NOT look like a cop stereotype at this point. Klegg calls Phil's story hard to swallow as Phil asks if he would ever lie to him. Klegg retorts that he would if there was a profit involved. Phil blows it off and is onto the "sense shattering finale" of this pilot. My senses are already shattered from the dull, boring, heatless and trying way too hard to look like a cross between TMNT and Transformers. So we HIT THE FLASHBACK (for the last time in this pilot I hope) as we see the Raptoris continue to fire cheese colored lasers on our TMNT clone babyfaces. So the babyface run into the ship and blast off using the TMS background scroll. Phil proclaims that he took control of the situation by crying like a baby and panicking while banging on the doors and pleading for a bigger ship. What a coward this Phil Palmfeather is?! I swear he's Vern Fenwick only fatter and lighter skinned. The ducks no sell because Wildwing wants Dragonus; but Nosedive questions this because Raptorus has enough heat to burn up the entire planet. Wildwing proclaims that the ship also have a gateway device and they can go back home. Yeah; apparently, he still doesn't care about Canard. Why would you go home when the damn planet is destroyed already? Anyhow; we cut to Dragonus ordering Seige to kill the ducks already; but the Aerowing comes down on top of the Raptorus and lands with it's crane like legs and talons on the bridge. Cut to the ceiling and blue laser shoot through destroying the top. The ducks all descend down as Wildwing orders Phil to stay the hell out of this and Phil agrees to that at least. Wildwing tells Tanya and Grin to go to the energy chamber and both Grin and Tanya bail. So Wildwing wants to go to Dragonus; but the ducks predict that the goon squad would approach and they all appears as Wraith makes his first appearance in almost 20 minutes! He throws his fireball; which Duke deflects and it blows up a bunch of crate. Someone must hate generic FPS games as much as I do. And those crate do not break either!

Wildwing manages to backdrop Siege away while Duke sword fights with Wraith. Nosedive uses his puck gun and blasts through the ceiling and the debris lands on Siege who just stands there for no reason. Apparently they are off his Christmas Card list. The witty response to that is: What's Christmas? Chameleon changes into a green version of Siege; only without the Larson & Gary infusion treatment and he needs steroids as Mallory flips him over easily into Wraith. Dragonus has had enough and enters the scene throwing objects away as he orders the goon squad to take over the controls and blast the city to rubble. The heels leave as Dragonus proclaims that he'll take over here as Duke has his sword ready and blows him off. So Dragonus shoots his cheese color lasers and all but Wildwing gets flung back into the wall where the conveniently placed oil drums are and then blasts near that and about two dozen barrels bury the babyfaces. Except for Mallory who is still shown anyway. I club BS&P! So it's down to Dragonus and Wildwing with his energy shield which is the Ice Shield. Dragonus proclaims that he won't know what hit him and Wildwing gets smacked to the floor despite him clearly seeing Dragonus. Idiot! So Dragonus walks casually and then disappears in his cloak off-screen and smashes a barrel which has some sort of green slime in it. Dragonus grabs Wildwing and punches him in the stomach as fuzzy cartoon logic strikes again as Wildwing goes flying and does a wussy bump on his ass. Dragonus stalks Wildwing and we head to the chamber of big ass orange crystals as Tanya and Grin run in as they are the Bearlairuim Crystals. Sadly; we never see where Dragonus found them as Grin is as confused of this as I am. Tanya goes over to a control panel and uses the screwdriver from her wrist band to open the console. I discovered that she calls this the Omni Tool which is pretty cool. She also explains that the Raptorus needs power from them; but the crystal is rare. And yes; this becomes a plot point for the rest of the series. See Transformers G1 and TMNT again.

So we head back as Wildwing is getting his duck ass kicked by Dragonus. Dragonus mocks him as Wildwing proclaims that he'll find Carnard whatever it takes. So now that he is getting his ass kicked; he suddenly cares about Canard now?! Dragonus continues to kick his ass and mock him because Canard is in dimensional hell forever along with the mask as Mallory, Duke and Nosedive pop up from the carnage and Wildwing looks in completely in denial...until the mask comes up and we go back to the blue flashback of Carnard's final moments. Now it's clear that the storyline is that Wildwing is supposed to wear the mask and use it to defeat Dragonus. The problem is that Wildwing was ALREADY TOLD how the mask works long before Carnard died. This renders Wildwing into the dumbest duck in the entire storyline and he's supposed to be the lead babyface here. Just peachy guys. Hope it was worth selling your soul just to make a hard sell of a violent sport that wasn't going to work. Otherwise; Disney wouldn't have sold the Anaheim Mighty Ducks much later on in real life. So Wildwing puts on the mask and calls Dragonus dino breath. Oh TAG! So he grabs Dragonus and breaks the orange device which destroys the cloaking device and pounces on Dragonus; pinning him to the ground. We then overheard from Siege that they have the city targeted already; so we cut back to Grin and Tanya as Tanya is working on shutting down the engines; but Grin is so calm that he invokes the POWER OF THE PUNCH on the crystals (much to the dismay of Tanya) and we get another big ass explosion just for the sake of it. We get rumbling as Dragonus is still pin down and out comes ash sooted Tanya and Grin as Tanya gives one of the most contrived and forced explanations as to why Grin destroyed the main engines. So Dragonus manages to run back to the cockpit of the Raptorus while the babyfaces all abandon ship back into the Aerowing in a longish sequence. Nosedive blows off Tanya's fetish for making things blow up. Isn't that Mallory's gimmick Nosy? Anyhow; we see the Raptorous diving towards the city (pointed out by Duke by the way) as Dragonus orders Siege to switch to auxilery power and Siege tries to as the ship drops below the skyline and.....

Marvin Martian: Where's the KA-BOOM?! There was supposed to be an earth shattering KA-BOOM!!

Even the ducks are confused by this (mostly Tanya) as Tanya discovers that they switched to aux and they disappeared somehow. Wildwing is pissed off of this and wants to follow; but Tanya notices that they are almost on empty in terms of fuel. Wildwing feels bad about it; but Duke cheers him up because they'll meet Dragonus again since Wildwing is now their leader. YAY! All is right in the world. If only I gave a damn. Phil is in tears and seemly the only one I have complete sympathy for because his voice actor is doing this cartoon. So the Aerowing flies slowly in the west towards sunset; we return to reality (no, not really) as we are riding in the streets of Anaheim in the back of a police car as Klegghorn seems to sell this...for about three seconds and then blows it off as horsecrap. Called it two days before it happened I should note. They drive around as they go out of sight and we see a building uncloak into the Raptorus. Oh great; so we cannot finish this episode properly now either?! CDS mode is on as Dragonus blows off Chameleon for screwing with the cloaking device unintentionally. Chameleon: Cartoon Duck Syndrome is a lot more EVIL than you, Dragonus and Siege combined. I would add Wrath; but at least he has some sense in spite of being totally undead. Chameleon morphs into Curley because Dragonus channels Moe and smacks Chameleon upside the head in response. So we see the ship turn back into a building as Dragonus sits down on the throne and rants about his defeat at the hands of the Mighty Ducks. See; they are limping on Impulse power at this point as Wraith chimes in that they will be spotted and he fears the worst. Dragonus doesn't care because he'll get his revenge and pick his teeth from the wishbones of those meddlesome ducks. If he means the Quack Pack nephews; be my guest. Mighty Ducks are likable enough to be spared though.

So we head to the secret headquarters in front of the super computer as Wildwing is blowing off Phil for telling Captain Klegghorn everything. Phil claims that Klegghorn gave him the third degree. It's funny how the ducks are acting like they have been betrayed; when Klegghorn didn't buy the story at all. Nosedive blows Phil off for exposing them as Mallory points out the flaw in Nosedive's reasoning. HAHA! Phil claims that they are better off if the world knows that they are alien ducks. Of course they are; no one in Anaheim except Klegghorn gives a crap about them. Which includes 90% of the audience watching this show. Phil sees dollar signs in the toys and other trinkets which pretty much prove that Phil Palmfeather is a Disney exec stereotype. What a shock that is?! Once Phil proclaims that they will even get a cartoon show out of this (when are people going to realize that fourth wall breaking is no longer funny unless there is a big twist to it?); and the ducks all blow him off claiming that it will NEVER happen. To Phil: Make them watch the ending to the Incredible Shrinking Molly and explain to them why they shouldn't be so sure about not getting a cartoon. So we zoom out from the computer room and that ends the episode at 21:09 (42:15). Basically; your average Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode with Transformers sprinkled in along with the logic breaks. I just didn't care about this pilot and there was nothing of note other than the fact that they blew their load on the mystery from the start. On the bright side; this was a lot better than The Really Lazy....ERRRR... Mighty Ducks and Island of Not So Nice from Quack Pack. ** 3/4 (55%).

THE REVIEW LINE

You know; I could give a Review Line for this, but I just don't have anything to say about this pilot other than it felt dull and a clone of TMNT. None of the characters interested me. None of them are unlikable; even Phil, although that was because they had a really good comic voice for Phil. However; none of them are much in the way of characters and I didn't care about any of the characters. Not because I hate them; but because they were clones of better and more charming shows from the 1980's. Wildwing is Leo, Nosedive is Mikey if he was related biologically to Leo, Mallory is Raph, Tanya is Donatello, Phil is a male April O'Neil crossed with Vern Fenwick, Grin is basically a bigger Casey Jones crossed with Master Splinter, and Klegghorn is Brune Thompson. Same thing with the villains. Dragonus having another Tim "I Hate Ducks So Much; I Get Top Billing" Curry voice; which has worn off now. Sure; he's better than Moltoc; but Dragonus feels like a Shredder clone. Siege was Rocksteady combined with Bebop and Chameleon was a slightly amusing Baxter Stockman. Wraith is the best character of the series despite coming off as a Krang clone; but at least he had some sense and he has a better voice than Krang anyway. I mean; it's easy to tell who is who simply be cross referencing TMNT. Now outside of the really crappy logic break on ice hockey rules and some really lame dialog; this was a solid story; but it had no heat and I didn't care. I didn't care when Canard died because I felt no attachment between Carnard and Wildwing. I didn't care about Wildwing not liking being a leader because he didn't screw up and thus I could understand his decision to withdraw being as such. I didn't care about the Nosedive/Wildwing relationship because there was no development to make me care about that. Mallory and Tanya are fine; but they are what they are for BS&P reasons; not because they are characters. We know why Rebecca and Molly are at Higher For Hire; but Mallory and Tanya were just thrown in. The animation was good and the CGI was impressive during the time period; but that was all. Overall; a solid episode; but it wasn't really good because none of it clicked for me and nothing in it was memorable outside of the logic breaks and wonky blue flashback. I cared more about the Bruins making it to the Stanley Cup finals and effectively killing off any heat the Penguins ever had; plus playing Fire Emblem over this. So next weekend; it's The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin; and that one is much better although it has it's share of fatal flaws. So....

Thumbs in the middle for this pilot and I'll see you all next time.

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