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Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series - Mad Quacks Beyond Hockeydome
Reviewed: 08/10/2014
Selling Beyond The Dome Of The Law!
Another day; another hockey game in the "real" word of Anaheim, California. So the ducks are now having to be forced to go on another planet to play a hockey game where if they lose; they all die. All this set up by Dragonous who makes a deal with a weasel in order to get more Berlium Crystals. Sounds compelling eh? Let's rant on shall we...?!
I don't know who wrote or story edited this episode. The animation is provided by Koko Enterprises Company.
We begin this one outside the Arrowhead Pond AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we get the exact same footage outside as in many of the episodes in this series with the black car driving away. So the Mighty Ducks are up 3-1 to the Fairfang (?) Flapjacks which has to be the dumbest name for a hockey team and city I have ever heard. So Francios (the name Roy Firestone gives later) trips up Duke L'Orange from behind and Duke falls on the ground taking a spin. Duke blows him off asking if his mother taught him any manners. Francios' Mother was unavailable for comment though; so that verdict is still in the air and probably never will be paid off. Francios goes to the penalty box for tripping. So they get a power play as we head back into the dressing room with the ducks undressing. Duke now hates hockey on Earth; as this was totally unfair since Francios tripped him on purpose. Grin points out that he got his karma payback as Nosedive agrees with Duke that this is unfair because they play clean. Yeah; in hockey, they play fair. In real life; not so much. Wildwing disagrees though because they got power play time and they don't give away power plays. So we head to Drake One with the boys meeting Mallory and Tanya as Wildwing wants to do another sweep in the Areowing tomorrow to find the Raptorous; when the doors open and in comes Phil Palmfeather with his date book. He disallows this because they have an exhibition game against the Wombats in Sana Nicola which is in Italy; and they are not in the NHL. Here's the obvious problem with this: NONE of the teams existed in the NHL; except for the Mighty Ducks, which were a legit NHL team. Wildwing no sells of course; so Phil plays the "charity" card on Wildwing again and the chairty is for relief for sports managers. Then we get another classic Mighty Ducks moment: Nosedive whisper yells directly into the hard camera and tells us that he would explain why Phil is scummy; but that would take 26 minutes of the episode. Problem #1: The episode is 21 minutes long. Problem #2: Even if it was 30 minutes long; it would still be 27 minutes long. Problem #3: If this was supposed to be a fourth wall break; wouldn't it be funnier if Phil had said "I heard that ND!"; because Nosedive was whispering at the volume of someone who is talking and normally could hear. So; yeah, that was dumb.
Phil handles Wildwing's shoulders as he wants the ducks to get the Wombats hockey team off the ground. Wait; so the Wombats are a legit NHL team now, and they aren't in the league somehow? I don't recall the NHL ever invoking a rule that a new team must be on probation of some kind. Worse; how did the Mighty Ducks get in from the start if there is a rule that you cannot be officially in the league in your first season? NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE! Wildwing decides to help him after all as Phil proclaims that he could con...ERRR..I mean count on them. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So we head to what appears to be a golden plated version of the Arrowhead Pond somewhere in Italy as the babyfaces get out of the Migrator; so the city is somewhere in California and not Italy. Everyone notices that it's too quiet out there; and then they enter inside the arena and the doors are barricaded about ten seconds after they all go in. Then the arena suddenly rises up from the ground and turns into a starship as Nosedive sums up Phil's statement of getting some team off the ground. So then we get a whiplashing jump cut of the Ducks being imprisoned with glass walls. Wildwing wants Grin to punch the glass out; and some voice tells him not to bother at all as we see at least three aliens who look like lynxes with laser spears and the middle one has a remote control. So he pushes the remote control; and the glass is electrified and it rises up to form a box. With no top on it. At least this makes sense not to do anything since they showed special effects running around the entire glass panels; thus I assume that the cage is shocked to keep the babyfaces from climbing out. There is a ferret like alien creature at a door with something as he orders the lynx aliens to send the babyfaces to the holding bay. The babyfaces get sent to the holding bay and the doors are shut down. The starship leaves earth and then we cut to inside the cockpit of the Raptorous with Dragonous in plain sight and killing any suspense this episode might have had. So the monitor fizzles and we see an image of the ferret like alien whom Dragonous calls Weasel.
At first; I thought it was Chameleon again due to the voice sounding like Frank Welker. So they exchange notes as we discover that the ducks are now prisoners for some sadistic hockey game that is only going to cause groans to people who don't like hockey. Dragonous proclaims that the duck problem is solved as the alien claims that they also got some stuff for Emperor Charg and some guy named Kazor. They both are happy; and the signal goes dead as Dragonous declares victory right there; and Wraith magically appears out of nowhere, along with Siege and Chameleon. Yeah; he's not the ferret like alien. Wraith of course proclaims that he is not as confident in this plan working; thus making it impossible for me to care. These writers are so stupid in writing these kind of spots because they think that they are clever. In reality; they are basically telling the kids to change the channel, because the evildoers plan will be a failure. At least in shows that don't do this crap; there is an off chance that the villain will at least look good in defeat, or even win once in a while; even if the victory is petty. Dragonous blows it off and we scene change to the starship flying. So we head to an alien planet which contains a volcano like fortress right in the center of the flattest planet in the multiverse. So the starship lands right on top of the fortress which is made of cold, unforgiving steel. And then we jump cut to the lynxs aliens walking off in the hallway as the babyfaces are imprisoned in cell with electrified bars. The lynxes also take away their puck guns and cannons too. We pan over to Weasel talking to a lion like furry who is fat and way overdressed as Weasel is taunting him about his job. The lion blows him off and he is addressed as general Kazor. Kazor walks off stage left as Weasel taunts him some more. Nosedive demands answers to this outrage; as the director of this scene has tilted the camera 45 degrees to the right. Why? I don't know. Kazor invokes the pointy finger of death as he addresses his master as Emperor Charg; and the ducks are prisoners being forced to play...wait for it...hockey. Yes; hockey. Apparently; hockey is a form of slave labor on this planet.
Remember this; Disney is trying to promote hockey; and some idiot wrote this episode in which hockey is protrayed as slave labor. And they wondered why this show tanked so much? So "Space Hockey" event number one is to score one goal against the other before the other one does. Wildwing does the Gruffi pose and asks if they refuse. Wait; if your job is to sell the game, then why would the ducks ask that question? Shouldn't the question be: "And if we fail to score before the other one does"? Sure; this gives away the squash in advance, but it makes more sense than this. Kazor puts his hand to his laser gun and basically tells them if they disobey, they get vaporized, which is a nice way to say "kill". So we head to the hockey arena and it looks like an arena exploded into a stadium as the ice level looks whacky and the middle of it has a spike that is shooting a spotlight in the middle of the ice. We then cut to the throne in which Emperor Charg is sitting and it looks like an octopus crossed with Owzar in Final Fantasy VI. He also has five harem girls wearing armor and has snakes in their black Marge Simpson-equse hair; and have lime green skin. Charg is wearing a cheese colored robe and a poet's hat in the same color. In the back there is a cloth poster with a symbol showing two hockey sticks crossed together with a circle in the middle of the triangle and it all forms a house. The lights on each side of the throne room have green posts and sphere like lights. So we cut back to the cell as the babyfaces are wearing purple number tags on their jerseys. And now; it just occured to me: they NEVER wore numbers on their jerseys in the NHL! Isn't that a rule violation in THAT league? Damn; this show hurts my head! So Mallory complains about it as Wildwing points out that they are unarmed and thus have to play along. So Kazar yells at #4 to come out; and #4 is in fact Nosedive. I wonder how the heels determined which babyface would get which number? That would make for a compelling storyline; which would be much more interesting then this episode.
Nosedive steps through the bars and complains; as Kazer blows him off for backtalking him; and one of the lynx guys with a laser spear uses it to fry Nosedive right in the ass. HAHA! It took nearly seven minutes for the first funny spot of the episode. That's generally not a good sign. So Nosedive goes over to the rack and Kazar orders him to choose his weapon. There are about 80 million sharp objects on the wall and Nosedive chooses a hockey stick; because he plays by the book. I should note that Kazar blows him off for calling this hockey; because it's space hockey; and there is a major difference. I see one in which the rink looks like something out of tabletop hockey. So Nosedive comes out to a surprising big pop as even Nosedive is in the spotlight loving this. I should note that the announcer is a robot with a large yellow eye who speaks like Roy Firestone; only with a lower pitch. So the duck goes to center ice as the green bars on the opposition's door opens and out comes Flaxor who is a giant green alien welding a hockey stick and a rifle like laser gun. The puck drops from the ceiling from a spout in the ceiling; and Nosedive proclaims that this puck is his. Flaxor disagrees and fires the yellow laser at Nosedive. Nosedive backs up and dodges as he proclaims that he need a huge can of bug spray. Remember kiddies; in space hockey, there are NO rules! Except back talking and refusing to go along with this stupid crap. Then you do not exist anymore. So this ends the segment seven and a half minutes in and this episode has sucked so far. Only one funny joke and a lot of stupid, contrived stuff that just makes kids change the channel in droves.
After the commercial break; we get a shot at HAL Firestone 2001 which has an orange sphere that spins when the light is not on. Flaxor is of course squashing Nosedive like no one else could as Nosedive hides behind the net. Notice something wrong with this picture? Flaxor is shooting at Nosedive and he forget to take the puck with him while shooting at Nosedive. This alien is so stupid that I can predict the finish of this event: Nosedive manages to dodge lasers, skates, gets the puck and shoots it in Flexor's net and wins. All because Flexor is so stupid to go after Nosedive, instead of going AFTER THE DAMN PUCK; since shooting the puck in the net gives you the win. Worse; Flexor is twice the size of Nosedive, so why would Flexor need to kill Nosedive? If I'm right, if you lose an event, you get vaporized anyway. So if I were Flexor, I would simply play this straight up even if that turns you babyface. Damn; I'm so good. The hockey sticks reflect laser fire, so Nosedive backs away to the puck and then slapshots the puck right into the laser cannon and knocking the alien out with it. Isn't that Unsportsman..Oh wait; it's no DQ, never mind. So Nosedive takes the puck; and scores the easy goal. Memo to Charge: Invest in fire-proof nylon nets next time, those nets look like cheap plastic. So the ducks easily win round one. We then head into the limest factory in history as we cut to the large doors and a laser cuts the thing open. TIMMMMBBBBBEERRRRR~! We see Chameleon, Siege and Wraith as I just realize that Wraith's feet are literally storm clouds. The workers in white suits, pants and hats panic and run off as we get some shooting from the heels for fun. Siege goes to the wrist communicator informing Dragonous that they are in and Dragonous orders them to convert the factory into a place to creat Berlium crystals; just because Disney thinks Transformers G1 is still cool enough to steal. It isn't at this point; most of us are watching Beast Wars from Mainframe Entertainment; which is a million times more compelling than this show. Dragonous laughs badly as the heels walk in walking in such a way that it would be better if the screen was slanted 45 degrees to the right.
So we head back to the holding cell as we pan over to Kazor telling Mallory to choose her weapon. So Mallory chooses a gun which looks like a legit bullet shooting gun. She points it at Kazor and threatens to kill him if he doesn't let the babyfaces go free. How stupid are these heels?! I just realized how stupid it is to tell them to choose their own weapons; when the weapons they can choose could kill Kazor if someone decides to turn on him. Mallory tries to fire it; but there is clicking and not much else. So Kazor fires lasers at Mallory's feet and she jumps about two feet into the air; as Kazor tells us that the weapons only work on the ice. HOW?! Seriously; how does that work? What mechanism is involved to make the weapons not function except when on the ice. How could the weapons tell? Second; Mallory is using a weapon that is clearly against the rules of hockey; so shouldn't the scene really be Wildwing yelling at Mallory: "No Mallory! We play this by the book! Get the hockey stick!"? The one time where it was required and made more sense to do; and they didn't go for it? STUPID! CGI Scene changer of doom ensues and we head to center ice in the spotlight with Mallory against a green alien who spews Star Trek references and is in a space suit which is completely oversized; so he must be a goaltender. He is also wearing a space helmet by the way. Now we have another classic Mighty Ducks moment: If you recall in the previous scene; Mallory took a bullet shooting gun and threaten to kill Kazor with it and failed. She left with the weapon. She is now at center ice and she has a hockey stick. WHAT THE HELL?! If this isn't proof that someone in creative was sabotaging this show; nothing will. So Quzar brings out his laser gun and shoots one red laser at Mallory. Mallory shoots the puck and it hits the laser gun out of the hands of the alien. Mallory skates around him and shoots it in the puck for the easy goal; complete with light blue light beeping. So what was the point of getting the gun? It didn't factor into the victory AT ALL! Mallory turns around and calls space hockey a crime. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Projection much there, Mallory?!
So then Mallory takes out her gun and shoots the gun at Emperor Charg; which is flizzed out by the out of nowhere spark barrier of death! Okay; she had the gun? Why not just rush Charg then? Oh wait; I know: BS&P won't allow a woman to take a frying bump into the barrier. We cannot have sexism in this show no siree; even though it is sexist to NOT allow Mallory to decide to be stupid enough to bounce into the barrier and get fried herself. Isn't getting rid of sexism mean that the woman gets to decide her fate in the storyline, even if the end result is as stupid as the men doing it? Kazor comes in and I'm begging him to teach BS&P a lesson in being so stupid. Mallory is #5 by the way. Kazor grabs Mallory by the wrist after shooting the gun out of her hands. HAL Firestone 2001 throws it to Charg and Charg basically wants Kazor to kill her; but Weasel pleads for him not to do it; because of the "Commission" and Weasel reminds him that Kazor is responsible for keeping her in line anyway. I should note Charg's face looks like a one eyed eggplant with a mouth; something out of Kid Icarus in Captain N: The Game Master. Charg calls this point valid and asks Weasel about suggestions. Weasel gets all wicked in his kisser and we get some really bad lighting effects as we cut back to the weapon rack as Duke L'Orange is #7; so the numbers are completely randomized now. Unless the show is implying that Duke is below Phil Palmfeather in the babyface pecking order. That is just cold; if that is true. Duke brings out a fencing sword and blows off space hockey. Again; Wildwing doesn't scold him for not playing this by the book. Now; I thought Kazor was with Duke during this scene; but it's merely a lynx guard because as Duke skates in (with hockey stick; despite not having one on his person). HAL Firestone 2001 addresses the crowd and in skates....Kazor in hockey gear? Yes; this is his punishment! He must play what is basically a NHL Hitzs version of the skills competition in the All-Star game. STUPID!
Even dumber; HAL is telling the crowd to BOO Kazor; even though Kazor is one of them, thus should be a babyface in their eyes. Worse; they still pop for the Might Ducks who in their eyes should be heels. This is Vince Russo's wet dream come ture. The crowd boos Kazor as he makes it to center ice; and Duke seems to be okay with this anyway. Kazor the lion then just stands there as Duke is shocked; and then pulls out his sword. Kazor pulls out his gun and Duke slices the thing out of his hand; and then checks him about three times into the wall calling these games sick. Riiiigggggghhhhhtttttt Duke. These games are SAFER than REAL hockey. You know; the game Disney is trying to get over in this cartoon! Kazor begs for mercy; and Duke cross checks Kazor into the wall again; and Kazor slumps dead in a heap. Yes; Duke squashed Kazor like a heel with a move that is ILLEGAL in real hockey. F*** this show! F*** this SHOW! Duke then rises the stick as if he is about to slash him with the stick (another illegal move) as Kazor slowly wakes up. Charg is loving this and wants Duke to kill him with the hockey stick. Duke is trembling and teasing killing Kazor; and if I was Duke, I would stop, turn around, take the puck and score in the net. Duke finally stops and admits that this is wrong; and he's right. Too late to save his babyface heat though as Charg doesn't care because if Kazor fails to score, he dies anyway. Duke hears this as Kazor admits that this is all true for failing the emperor. So Duke basically orders him to check him so hard that he is knocked dead; and he wants him to do it like he MEANS it. Why not just left Kazor score the goal? It's clear that Kazor is no longer a "heel"; so why the overkill? Kazor grabs Duke and tells him that he won't forget this; and slams him into the wall, as Duke slumps to the ground dead. Kazor takes the puck and scores into the net. Now remember what I said in this being overkill: Weasel is blowing this all off because he knows Kazor cheated; but Charg blows that off because it's NO DQ in space hockey. However; Charg admits that Kazor's days are numbered anyway and he chuckles badly.
Yeah; Duke could could have just let Kazor scored, and the same result would have occured: Charg would just kill Kazor at his earliest convenience. And none of the checking by Kazor is going to get his heat back because he's a bigger babyface than Duke is now! So we head back into the arena as the ducks come out because we are finally having a six-on-six NHL style match in space. So yes; this is an All-Star game with weapons. Even though the hockey stick is a weapon. Notice that Nosedive; the comedy geek is the only one who has played the game squarely by the book and without a weapon that is not a hockey stick?! DUMB! Tanya is #9, Grin is #3 and Wildwing is #8. Yip; it's all random! So basically the ducks are facing a bunch of robots called the Nerons at center ice (note that the face off is from side to side; rather than end to end? DUMB!); and out pops about four pillars with lights on them called Hot something according to HAL Firestone 2001. I'm guessing that they are laser cannons that are focused to nail anyone within sight. The robots are undefeated and no one has lived through an entire game with them. The robots are wearing red gloves, bronze shoulder pads, copper helmets which look goofy, sticks that are shaped like overlapped L's; and skates. The shorts are red and blue and make look like complete tools. The puck drops down in front of one of the Nerons and Nosedive; and we begin the hockey game almost 13 minutes in. So in essence; this took forever to set up. So Nerons shoot lasers; and Nosedive hides behind the pillars; as he does get off a great line in that he doesn't want to know what Space Football is. There is a SNES game called Space Football by Bits Studios released FOUR years before this. Did I mention that there are water holes as hazard on this rink? Did I mention that Tanya gets pulled into one of them by an octopus tentacle? So Mallory stops; turns around and brings out the gun; which shoots yellow lasers. Dammit! It nails the tentacle; and Tanya is pulled out as she admits that she should shut up now. Yeah; because the Nerons are skating two on one down the ice uncontested; outside of Wildwing in net.
They shoot yellow lasers at Wildwing and he blocks them with ease. So the Nerons shoot missiles out of their heads after Wildwing taunts them because he can take anything they can dish out. Wildwing then bails out like a chicken and the Neron fire the puck into the net and score complete with blue light and beeping sound. The Nerons slap skin saying "We're #1" in the most contrived manner possible. I was hoping that they did this like the bullies in that Charlie Brown camping special where they go "We're #1! We're #1! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!"; that would have been hilarious. But of course not; because these writers cannot do anything right in this episode. So we scene change to the benches as the guards (who look like two Nerons by the way); are strapping brass belts around the waists of both teams because it's the third period and the score is 1-0 Nerons. Duke wonders what more can they do to them; as HAL Firestone 2001 inform us that the belts contain explosives and if they remove them; then they were explode instantly. Also; the losing team after the final period will explode and if the thing ends in a tie; they both explodes, thus the Homer Simpson rule: If there is a tie; then they are both losers! At least that rules makes sense here! Tanya doesn't love this at all and she continues to expose the business by telling us that there is a commercial upcoming. I have given up trying to be mad about this anymore; so let's move on as Nosedive calls this sudden death overtime which is accurate. That ends the segment almost 15 minutes in and this is in pace to being the worst episode of the series. Just moronic stuff on stlits at this point.
After the commercial break; we go back to the rink as both teams come out of the benches as apparently; the third period is going to last over ten minutes because the belt are reading 10 minutes 15 seconds and dropping. So yes; the third period is already half over. These babyfaces are so stupid. If I saw my brass belt ticking away; I would get out of the dugout and taunt the Nerons into playing with me so then I could buy myself as much time as I could to score the two goals I need to win. So I would have 20 minutes left instead of ten minutes which increases my chances to 2 goals in 20 minutes instead of 2 goals in 10 minutes. So the Ducks go down the ice with ease 3 on one uncontested as Mallory complains that the goaltender has robot like reflexes, so Nosedive claims that he has a Krackpotkin Plan as they go in delta formation and pass the puck to each other about 100 times and the goaltender stands in front of...nothing. On the FPS shot; he's standing in front of the net; but on the back shot; it's nothing. Bad form there guys! So Nosedive yells now; someone passes the puck to Nosedive and he shoots. The puck nails the top of the white wall and it bounces at such an angle that it drops drop behind the goaltender and barely goes into the net for the goal. Yes; Nosedive's plan worked to perfection and the score is tied at 1; thirty seconds into the third period. So the Nerons are forced to get their heat back and so they shoot lasers and one of them hits Grin in the skates and he falls down like a moron. Grin brings up Tai Quack Do in saying that no player can skate on twisted skates as we get a power play as a result. Here's the problem with this: Grin skates to the bench and sits down without incident. Yeah; he didn't slip nor slide, he made it to the bench with ease. Those twisted skates are fine actually. This is amazing that they are putting up these obstacles and no one in creative has any idea how to make these all make sense. Nosedive channels me in saying that they have 80 million sharp objects and no set of skates..in a hockey game! And why do you need skates to play? It's NO DQ! Second; the skates don't explode either. So this makes no sense at all!
WHO IS BOOKING THIS CRAP?! Seriously; I want to know! Then suddenly; Kazor appears out of nowhere at the bench saying that they are not a man short, as he straps on the brass belt around his waist and skates onto the ice in the spotlight. Now; this at least is booked right with Kazor returning the favor for Duke showing actual mercy to him. HAL Firestone 2001 is in shock; and Weasel is pissed off because he's screwed. Charg tells him to relax because they are going to lose anyway. The score is tied 1-1 Charg. I would be worried now that Nosedive has solved the Neron goaltender's major weakness. Weasel is not happy anyway and doesn't like conspiracies that he is not a part of. So Weasel is trying to dethrone Charg? I mean; Kazor isn't exactly in good standing with Charg already, so what is Weasel's problem? So we cut to Duke and Kazor skating and exchanging notes. Oh; and by the way, the third period began with 10:15 left on the timer. Now there is 45 seconds left in the game according to the timer even though only 1:51 has passed in real time; and the game was in real time with no scene changers. STUPID! Who is booking this crap? Why didn't you just scene change to a five second scene with Siege and company making crystals; or even to Dragonous having a blast? That would make more sense. So they skate towards Wildwing as the Neron's attempt to shoot the puck; but Wildwing makes the save. Kazor tells them to play more aggressive because your lives are on the line. So the ducks skate down; Mallory checks three Nerons and they hit the pillar and they are vaporized instantly. Now; if you recall, Nosedive already touched them when hiding and didn't get vaporized. I guess it has to be a hard hit to make it work. So another Neron gets checked into the frozen hole and gets dragged into the icy water by the octopus. So they skate down the ice shooting lasers at the goaltender two on one babyfaces; and then the three missiles launch from his head and Kazor and Tanya are forced to dodge and fall onto the ground. Tanya looks at the scoreboard and there is 15 seconds left; which is only off by one second as 29 seconds have elapsed. Good; but..
...Then we get another classic Mighty Ducks moment: Now when we saw the timer at 15 seconds; the time that had elapsed in the episode minus commercial breaks and any Toon Disney edits was at 17 minutes 20 seconds. So the Mighty Ducks would be killed at 17 minutes 36 seconds then. Then we hear thumping as Grin comes in in his sock feet walking on the ice as if he was walking normally and doesn't slip once. That in itself makes no sense; but to me, that is minor. Grin sezs to hell with skate; we MUST WIN! So we see a Neron using rocket skates to race towards the goal; but Grin checks him to hell leaving only the goaltender left. He sets it up; and as he is cutting this promo; the timer on my video reads: 17 minutes 37 seconds. Ummm; HELLO?! THE BELT SHOULD HAVE EXPLODED BY NOW! The ducks are supposed to be duck patte and the series is OVERAH~! But no; Grin comes in, shoots the puck and it flies through the chest of the Neron goaltender and into the net for the game winning goal. The babyfaces slap sticks together and we look at the scoreboard as there are two seconds left; thus the timer on the video is: 17 minutes 44 seconds. The scoreboard timer reaches zero at 17 minutes 46 seconds; which is ten seconds later and thus both teams should have blown up since it was a tie before Grin scored the winning goal! I realize that screwing up the timer was done in Ducktales; but that wasn't a life or death situation. Sure; Scrooge was screwed, but they covered it up with Flintheart lying about the time; so I could forgive them for the screwup. NOT HERE! This was a life or death situation and they screwed up. Oh; and even without the promo, it doesn't matter because Grin got the puck exactly at the moment the brass belts were suppose to explode! And then it gets worse: The vaporization is simply a green echo sound afterimage of them disappearing. Even worse; the goaltender gets vaporized and one of the Nerons gets it, which is fine. But then the rest of them do despite one of them being in the icy water with the octopus and thus off-screen. And the other three were checked into the pillar where they were vaporized by blue lights. STUPID!
So the brass belts release themselves from the babyfaces; and the babyfaces all skate off the ice (Grin runs off and again; the writers have no idea the reality of running on ice since he walks as if the ground wasn't ice at all); as HAL Firestone 2001 proclaims the final score is Ducks 2; Nerons Kablooey! Who does this thing think he is: Admirnal Grimace?! Anyhow; the babyfaces go into the holding chamber and shoulder tackle the two lynx guards into the holding cell, and Tanya pushs button on the middle island which I discover is the computer for the holding cells. Okay. Kazor tells them to follow him as they run to the door complete with a anthro paw ID device built into the wall next to the door. Kazor touches the palm as he explains that this is the Emperor's personal teleportation device. Okay; it's not the dumbest thing in this episode. The door opens up and we see the red room with three cones (including one in the ceiling) as Weasel is standing there with the remote control in his hands. He threatens to set off the alarms in every room unless they surrender basically. So Kazor simply puts his paw on the panel and that closes the door. Weasel then protests this outrage and pushes the button on the device to set off an alarm; and then gets teleported out. Ooooookkkkkaaayyyyy. So they ask Kazor where he is teleported and Kazor claims that it doesn't matter because he set off the alarm. Wildwing offers Kazor a spot on the roster; but Kazor declines and then claims that he has a rebel movement on Altar 4 who are committed to stopping these games. Wait; WHAT?! You mean; he was in fact conspiring against Charg all this time? How? Anyhow; he opens the door and runs in as the door is shut with him saying his goodbyes before teleporting out. Duke proclaims that he cannot believe that he was a babyface. Of course you cannot believe it Duke; because it doesn't make sense. A babyface turn on Charg here; yes. Faking being a heel all this time; no way! Nosedive blows this whole thing off as Wildwing accuses Dragonous of doing all this. Please stop trying to be Freddy Jones, Wildwing! So Tanya notices that she can patch this device to the interglatic communications in Drake One.
So we head to Drake One as Phil is typing on the computer complaining about the ducks not returning and then he gets a call on his cellphone. Phil answers the cellphone and Nosedive cuts an operator promo on him in which Phil blows him off for. Phil demands to know where they are and Nosedive tells him that he doesn't want to know. YES HE DOES NOSEDIVE! The babyfaces asks if anything has gone on Earth in the past 20 minutes and Phil just plain tells us that the Saurians have taken over a chemcial plant. How did Phil know this? Tanya then starts hacking into the palm device in order to set the coordinates to appear inside the factory which is at least semi logical; but how do they get the Migrator back? I guess it's remote controlled too. So then Charg and his henchmen run in with lasers as we get the firefight and more avoiding the use of the word killing. It's like the New York Times avoiding to use the word torture when it is actually torture! So Tanya finishes the teleporting preperations and they all get into the teleportation chamber; with Wildwing remembering to drop and side roll into the chamber as the thing closes. So we cut to the chemcial plant outside AFTER HAPPY HOUR with a sign that reads Delta Z Chemical; only Delta is a badly drawn symbol. We head inside with the heels making crystals; and then Dragonous teleports in. Why? So the ducks can bury him as an ineffective heel silly! Siege tells him that it's all ready as it's an orange chamber filled with blue energy connected by a tube. Dragonous rubs his hands with glee as he inspects the chamber; and proclaims victory. Dragonous opens the chamber and takes out the crystal which is basically a penis shaped glowing blue/white rod which has shrunk about 10 inches the moment Dragonous grabs it. Yawn; I just want this episode to end. Dragonous then proclaims that it's easy when there are no ducks around; and then the ducks teleport in and shoot their puck guns at Dragonous as one of them destroys the crystals with ease. While somehow causing no damage to the chamber in the back of Dragonous. BAD!!
Firefight ensues right when Dragonous is shocked and appalled; making the babyfaces look like heels in the process. Chamber then gets finally destroyed in the process (despite having a clear shot to destroy it about five seconds earlier with the first gunfire) and the robot drone has more brain than the four organic heels combined because he teleported out first before Dragonous, Siege, Chameleon and Wraith teleported out. This is a perfect punchline to this whole episode in general: It makes no sense! So that was that as we head back to the Arrowhead Pond for another round of hockey as we get some of the most crappiest animation and jump cuts in history. First shot; the goaltender is at center ice and it's so obvious that this was rushed because they had to had the red haired guy stand up to block the view. Mallory has the puck as Nosedive is defending against a lavander wearing hockey player. Cut to the crowd cheering making it appear that the arena is 25% empty. Repeat shot of Mallory with the puck. Close up shot of the puck being shot with the stick. Jump cut to a stock footage shot of the arena from a far. Jump cut to Duke grabbing the puck and skating down the ice. Bad enough for you? It gets worse as one of the giant hockey player charges and nails Duke right into the board and off the ground into the glass. That looked really cool; but the jersey is now gray with yellow trim and a yellow helmet! WHAT THE HELL?! Weren't the jeresies lavander colored?
Referee steps in and blows the whistle right there (I assume the opposition team got the puck since a penalty can only be called if a penalized team made contact with the puck with any part of his body. That's why it's possible for the Mighty Ducks in this case to score a goal; but not the other team). So the big human guy goes off the ice into the penalty box for interference as I discover that they have pancakes and a knife and fork as a coat of arms. Roy Firestone tells us that this team is the Toronto Maple Syrups! This is the closest thing to an actual legit NHL team; and they have the ugliest uniforms in history. So Tanya and Nosedive go over to Duke who wipes his hands clean of responsibility for this episode as he is feeling fine about it. Nosedive asks why he changed his mind about hockey being horrible; and Duke proclaims that the real game of hockey is civilized. Cue laugh track. This show should have an iCarly style laugh track because that at least would make mocking this show a lot easier. So Duke skates over beside the penalty box and thanks him for the power play as the hockey player looks at the hard camera confused (Join the club! I'm still trying to figure out why I should like this game?!) as we mercifully end this episode at 20:53 aired. What a horrible episode this was?! Even by the low standards of Mighty Duck episodes; this was was wretched. The idea was there; but it got sabotaged in every single scene it was in. If I was a kid watching this; I would change the channel and if anyone told me how great hockey is at school; I would beat the holy living crap out of him! Bad logic, bad animation, bad climax and a lot of stupid moments that made me angry. -* (-20%) ; and that is being generous. This is the worst episode of the series. And to think; it's still better than a half dozen of the worst Quack Pack episodes!
THE REVIEW LINE
Wow; the first negative star episode in the series and boy it was awful! The whole concept sounded cool on paper; make no mistake, this idea was a good one: Ducks playing hockey on a planet where losing means death. It's a fun idea on paper; but it is absolutely horrible in execuation. I shouldn't be surprised that this episode was done so badly because no one seems to care about quality control at this point; but even a bad episode of Mighty Ducks hasn't fallen to these depths until this episode. There was a lot of bad timing at the climax with the screwed up timer; and no way to cover it up so that it didn't look like a logic break. The animation was horrible at the end. Kazor's "I was a babyface all this time" made no sense to me. Playing Space Hockey by itself was fine; but they treated it as punishment and we are supposed to believe that Space Hockey is worse than regular hockey when BS&P keeps stepping in and wussifying it with robots who simply vanish in green lights. To me; regular hockey is much worse than this because I have seen the dangers (like the throat cutting accident to a Buffalo Sabre's goaltender years back when that could have killed him. How can this episode convince me that vanishing in lime green light is worse than getting accidently cut in the throat with a skate?) on television. So there is no intensity in this and the rest was such a mess. If they had simply stopped booking like idiots; this could have been an average episode; even with the BS&P rules. But it wasn't; and the end result is the worst episode in the series so far. So....
Thumbs way down in hell for this episode and I'll see you all next time.