Written by: Alyson Terry
Thinking about becoming a mechanic? Do you have a large working knowledge of machines and bubble gum? Simply respond to this survey and answer specific questions to find out if the exciting world of motorized tricycles and frozen airplanes, (we don't just mean cold folks, it's _frozen_) is for you!
1. If you feel a great deal of concern for the health and working respiratory systems of your surrounding plumbing.
2. If you feel the need to clarify exactly what getting murdered in horrendously unspeakable ways actually means, (Down to the itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, etc. etc.)
3. If you chastise callers for trying to contact you when they are being eaten. (Or for holding the phone for much too long, or for dear life, you pick)
4. If you happen to keep potato, macaroni or _any_ kind of side salad in your pocket, at any time, during a sight-seeing trip. (If you're wearing an incredibly tacky wig for that matter, as well)
5. If you leave your monkey wrench lying around while trying to ship a Yenkara out, but it's too heavy and then a rather annoying child picks it up...(If you're still reading this, perhaps we should have discussed what _specific_ means)
6. If you find you have a great deal of trouble getting a propellor _inside_ an airplane. (Tossing it into the water on frustration does not make you a good candidate, either)
7. If you have given up on any kind of deep sea fishing, simply because the strain on your back was too much. (Yes, we know whales are heavy)
8. If you encounter feelings of frustration with pilot's who complain when you can't hear them, then change the subject when you can. (And what _is_ that funny noise coming from your engine, for goodness sake?)
9. If your friends are constantly trying to force you to eat your perfectly harmless inventions....(I don't think the phrase, you are what you eat can be applied here)
10. If you have great confidence in you astute powers of observation regarding weaponery, pontoons, and various farm animals. (Is that what they make pontoons out of these days?)
11. If your optimism regarding stars and your hunting skills is boundless. (Put down the net and back away, slowly)
12. If you have trouble following the _simplest_ of instructions. (I said, down the left, to the right, back three doors, four hallways later, adjacent to the door that's on your left side.......your _other_ left side, etc.)
13. If you find yourself bailing your friends out of sticky situations with menacing pandas, pagodas and the like without even meaning to. (Hey, no one blames you if you only wanted the ice cream)
14. If your explanations regarding snow, and all that tie in with it are somewhat lacking. (We're not criticizing mind you, but completely different leaves so many doors open)
15. If your memory regarding storms, lightning and, oh, by the way, how many times you've actually flown _through_ one is a source of contention between you and your easily intimidated friends.
16. If you find yourself imitating strange accents and forming a negative opinions regarding your friend's safety and well-being pulling a harmless prank on your boss. (It _is_ a prank, no really.....you don't have to pretend....look, you're _not_ a doctor and....oh, never mind)
17. If you feel out of place being invited to play pool and no one else shows up in a bathing suit. (Um...I mean, billiards would be divine)
18. If you have troubles getting certain holiday items to function to your liking. (Look, if the damn snow globe isn't working, just take it back to the store!)
19. If you are no longer trusted with maps or navigation simply because of one easily made mistake. (Island of Guacamole, hey, he needed to lose the weight anyway!)
20. If you are no longer allowed to have any kind of a pet, (We like dinosaurs and hyper-active gremlins that take apart everything we own as much as the next guy...but you have to draw the line somewhere)
Fear not, there is a place for individuals such as yourself! (That's what's more frightening than anything) We do understand that this survey is not for everyone. We had even hoped in our heart of hearts that it wasn't for _anyone_. But, if you have responded in the affirmative to most of our inquiries, then congradulations!! Enter into an exciting new world, but, please......don't ever even think about coming back.
