Written by: Alyson Terry
A complete travel guide brochure to visiting the one place you'd probably never want to go in the first place. Distributed by the Glorious People's Department of Foreign Relations and Commerce.
Hello world-traveler! You may ask yourself why you would ever want to go to Thembria. Well, hopefully this brochure will answer all of your misplaced questions and get you out of the habit of ever asking another one again, EVER. We are here to disperse all of your fears and worries concerning anything you may have possibly heard concerning our wonderful nation of content farmers and peasants. If you are making any plans to travel to some other exotic and far-off place, we advise you to stop where you are and put your hands....uh.....of course stop right now and look at everything that Thembria has to offer you! First of all, there is virtually no possibility of the native populace ever rising up and revolting against the government at any time you are visiting, of that you can be absolutely sure of, believe it....and if there are any rumors of any kind of revolt that you may have heard of, this Department will casually inform the necessary authorities of those capitalistic neer-do-wells and promptly take care of them in a humane and subtle manner. *Ahem*, Secondly, we are so confident that you will change your mind about our wonderful country once you arrive here, that we have made it possible that you will never again have to leave!! So, relax and take in everything our land has to offer the adventurous traveler for the rest of their life, uh.....I mean, for the rest of their stay here.
Hotels, Condos, and the like- Staying quarters is one of the many areas that Thembria excels at! Due to hapless cargo pilots flying into our air-space at inconvenient times, there is a wide variety of aircraft that you can choose from! Many of the cargo planes have been booked far in advance, leaving only small models that may seem a bit cramped, so make your arrangements ahead of time and save yourself the trouble of having to thumb through endless issues of "Better Homes and Cockpits" to find your dream plane, er house. Or, if the rustic look isn't to your liking, you can always commit one of our several thousand misdemeanors and become placed in a roomy cell, with new friends you can become acquainted with for three consecutive life sentences.....if not more. These cells offer state of the art comforts including cold water 24 hours a day, (unless there happens to be a shortage due to all of it turning to ice, which is not too much of a problem, it only becomes more painful to drink), several _wooden_ boards to sleep on, endless surrounding scenery of slush, snow, and.......various other things, not to mention the amazing luxury of air-conditioning. Also, if you find yourself becoming alarmed at the large number of showers and no bathtubs, do not act too apprehensive. Our peace-loving nation has serious issues against using actual ammunition in taking down intruders that shouldn't have been here in the first place and....never mind. Instead of bullets, our seemingly never-ending supply of ceramic missiles has never let us down yet.
Delicacies- Thembria has world-renowned chefs that will tempt your appetite with overwhelming quantities of a high-fiber breakfast food. The locals are also more than happy to show the various different ways in which to prepare gruel, and it's most popular side dish, steam, which can be served warm or cold, and.....that's about it. Or, if the gruel seems less than satisfying, a simple addition of glue will be more than sufficient enough to make it stick to your ribs, literally.
Entertainment- Thembria has the most unique forms of entertainment in the world. Our most popular radio show has struck quite a chord with the locals, titled, "This _Was_ Your Life", the show that asks the question to our ready and willing participants, "Was it worth it?" Also a huge hit, is the live radio broadcasts of sentencings, executions and the like, hosted most of the time by our own Leader of the Glorious People's Air-Corps, Colonel Drainpipe!, what? Oh! Spigot, Colonel Spigot, of course. There is no chance of being disappointed at one of our many national executions, performed at specified times, or matinees, as our tank squadron is always ready to lend a hand. Thoroughness is a feature that most Thembrians take greatly into consideration, especially with the treatment of our guests. As a side note, any souveniers can be purchased easily, with your choice of the latest styles and models of nooses available anywhere on the planet. Thembria also has the largest yard decorations known, including blue flamingos, priced very reasonably
Customs- We have quite a variety of regional customs here in Thembria, including the annual festival celebrating the "Great Patriotic Flounder" the courageous fish who jumped into an enemy cannon, clogging it and ending it's own life for the service of it's country. You will learn the various ways of saluting this creature, a model of self-less patriotism for our nation, not to mention 101 ways of saluting, and for the lucky individuals, advanced saluting. There is also the popular slush festival with the High Marshall in attendance. Some of the younger citizens of our friendly country will give you the opportunity of touring the competitive School for Turnip Peeling, and will also show you our most enjoyed pastime, shaving ice.
Caution- Not there would be any reason to use caution when you are traveling through the beautiful nation of Thembria, but here are a few tips in case you run afoul of any of the well-meaning and all-knowing dignitaries that keep the peace here.
1. There is absolutely _NO_ playing in the snow, at any time. If you are uncertain what exactly this means, the improper facial expressions that can be displayed as one is laughing and sliding around in a ridiculous contraption may earn you some time in prison, not too large of a problem, as most of the prisoners have paperwork filled and are shot quickly, one of the many conveniences of the legal system.
2. Any use of your imagination while you are visiting our country is strictly prohibited!!! See above consequences.
3. Be sure to have a handy watch and a large knowledge of all surrounding time zones. The unfair exaggeration of Thembrian lines has no, I repeat, NO influence on this particular piece of advice.
4. If you are thinking of traveling with any elderly member of your family who happens to possess an unreasonable fear of large carnivores, we advise you to leave them at home...for....safety precautions.
5. Also be sure to have a fool-proof stamp and the necessary documents, as Thembria, unlike _some_ disorganized, domineering countries knows the proper way to process visitors, quickly and efficiently, sometimes within months.
6. A helpful piece of knowledge concerning Thembrian laws. With every willful act against our government, capital punishment. If you happen to become caught breaking one of our laws provided for your own benefit, simply tell everyone around you that it's their fault, if just to remind them. Finally, if you are tried fairly in a court of law, do not plead innocent, you, well, you just can't. Remember, in Thembria, you are guilty until proven innocent....end of story.
We sincerely hope you enjoy your stay inside of Thembria's borders! For most of you, there is the hope and definite certainty that you will never go back home. All visitors should fill out the proper health forms, including if you are allergic to lead, a large problem for many of our over-zealous tourists. Have a great time, (Just don't show it) and be sure to return to Thembria, where the world comes for slush...or ....something.
