Had so much fun doing this the first time, had to try it again, with revisions, with additions. -Aly
Dear Sir or Madam;
You have brought to our attention some concerns about what you consider to be irrational behavior. Here at TaleSpin Anonymous we seek to help individuals such as yourself to take the first steps in admitting that you have a problem and then taking the necessary action to prevent embarrasing scenes- (e.g. yelling "Skyward HO!" in front of your younger brothers and sisters and their friends in order to impress them) Since you seem to be unclear about what constitutes a problem, here are a list of symptoms.
1. If you have a tendency to hide rubies in strawberry jam, or any other type of flavor for that matter.
2. If you lose all control when someone mentions the word, "Bacon" and have to be sung a lullaby in order to be calmed down.
3. If any mention of culinary instruments inspires you to rather unconvential emotions...um, yeah. (I _love_ it when you talk cutlery)
4. If you spend an entire day in a huge mansion simply searching for a bathroom and end up being left by your friends- (And you _still_ haven't found it)
5. If you see any word spelled differently then what it should be and automatically check your handbook on the necessary operations of the "Heimlich Manuever".
6. If you find yourself taking a sadistic pleasure in remaining apathetic and tactless when it comes to your friend's fashion problems- (How dreadfully uninteresting...)
7. If you feel incredibly defensive if anyone, _anyone_ at all, calls you Dougy.
8. If you are constantly telling your friends to go "After You"- (no, no, After You)
9. If you feel the need to kick yourself in the pants, but unfortunately, your leg is not long enough.
10. If you harbor feelings of superiority because although you didn't go to school, you saw a picture of one once.
11. If you are constantly telling your cohorts to take their hands off whatever they have and slap themselves.
12. If you feel anxious because if anything happens to go wrong in your life, it's your insurance premiums that will skyrocket!
13. If you reassure individuals on your ability to do something on the fact that you've _seen_ it done a million times!
14. If, when you are suddenly confronted by guards on your left, guards on your right, you compare yourself to a "hero" sandwich.
15. If you find a picture of your plane in a copy of "Better Homes and Cockpits"
16. If you are extremely critical upon hearing your partner's escape plane- (That's a plan?! Look, I'll just _swim_ home!)
17. If you constantly feel a need to blame your inadequate skills on whatever tool you happen to be holding- (Hmm, must be defective)
18. If you have an unreasonable, but well-founded fear of platypuses, and other such endangered animals and species- (Oooh, strawberries)
19. If you are completely certain that you never know when you'll need a good set of encyclopedias.
20. If you find yourself ordering really _big_ packages that happen to come with really _big_ bills.
21. If you are frustrated because you know someone who if brains were perfume, you couldn't smell through a barbed-wire fence.
22. If you find yourself alphabetizing everything by first- A, etc.
23. If you are constantly being criticized for your _dumb_ excuses- (Pretty dumb, all right)
24. If, when you are trying to explain what happened to your boss' gyrocompass, she _really_ doesn't want to hear the gory details.
25. If you remain sympathetic but ademant about whatever stance the recipient of your bad news is in. (Sit down...I _am_ sitting..etc.)
26. If you have ever parked a quazinar in a no quazinar zone.
27. If you have ever let every trophy or award you have ever recieved go to your head- (I want another one, a BIGGER one)
28. If you remain strongly convinced that a cockpit is in fact, merely a hole full of chickens.
29. If you really, truly, believe yourself to be _such_ a scary guy.
30. If, when someone accuses you of stealing candy from a baby, you simply respond- (I *love* that!!)
31. If you tell people to stick mangoes in their ear, even though you _know_ they won't fit.
32. If you try to break your friends out of a cell with dynamite, but (DUH) you forgot your matches.
33. If you feel that you are allergic to pain.
34. If you possess a supervisor who strongly believes in your abilities as an employee, but not in the accompanying financial benefits. (It's going to be long, hard, tedious, taxing work...but I just want you to remember one thing...)
35. If, when you are asked where your date is supposed to sit when you take her out, you respond with confusion- (On her backside, just like everyone else)
36. If you are a male pilot and you have ever, _ever_, EVER dressed up as a woman simply to win a race- (and don't try to fool me with any of your silk stockings, earrings excuses)
37. If you automatically take all of the credit for finding something, even though someone else was holding it at the time.
38. If, when someone tells you that they are the Queen of Sheba, you believe them.
39. If you are caught playing in the snow and worse, you are _smiling_!!
40. If you have ever saluted the "Great Patriotic Flounder"
41. If you are uncertain about your coloring or your friends- (He's not blue either, sort of a brownish-gray)
42. If you have exact, short-term plans for fame and showbiz- (today radio, tomorrow the movies, the day after that...)
43. If you have ever told someone to stuff if in their wind sock.
44. If you remain convinced that glass is truly a valuable asset and commodity- (Glass! _Not_ Glass!!)
45. If you know anyone, and this certainly means anyone at all, who happens to be named after a famous lounge song be they a pilot, or otherwise.
46. If you continue to be confused as to which friends or mere acquaintances you have not been intent on destroying- (Didn't I have him shot?)
47. If you have ever, at any time, requested that your babysitter exact bodily harm on himself simply for your amusement. (Will you clunk your head against the chairs again?)
48. If you are purposely vague concerning your demands, requests or simple irritations especially in regards to any and all underlings you may possess. (Whatever you were doing! Don't do it anymore....)
49. If you possess certain obsessions or stalking tendencies with all members of the opposite sex who happen to possess an accent. (Looove that accent!!)
50. If you remain uncertain about the full purpose of icebergs, large beverages or any cargo pertaining to the aforementioned products. (Perhaps....but where would they get the straw big enough?)
51. If you find yourself increasingly frustrated because you are unable to share your literary possessions with any natural predators you may enounter-(Can I help it if this lion didn't read the same book!)
52. If you encounter criticism regarding the truthfulness behind whatever nicknames you or others may place upon you- (Well, reasonably attractive Half-Nelson didn't quite have the same ring to it...)
53. If you find yourself increasingly unable to convince your friends about your intentions regarding accidents, no matter how well-intentioned they may be- (I _meant_ to do that)
54. If your remarks regarding your partner's flying abilities are rather unappreciated from time to time from fellow passengers or from your own equilibrium- (Now I know what a sock in a washing machine feels like...)
55. If you have ever, unintentionally, insulted some small, ninja fishing worms.
56. If you have ever found yourself being complimented, or have complimented someone on having a body that can stop a rhino at 50 paces (and a *greaaat* set of legs)
57. If you are constantly being reassured that your brain should be down any minute now
58. If you always add a -y to the end of every word that you say- (That's a toughy, that's enoughy!)
59. If you live to conquer- oh and by the way, where you conquer, you live!
60. If you have an unhealthy obsession with either aliens or guacamole.
61. If you have ever had helpings of steam, even _cold_ steam!
62. If you have ever been hit on the head, forgotten some basic skills and then picked up the annoying habit of making strange jokes about your possessions- (Guess it quacked up! Ha, ha!)
63. If you are the _only_ one that ever says, one more time!
64. If you remain convinced that all pirates do need their helpings of Vitamin C.
65. If you have your cap flipped backwards all of the time- (but someone had to learn ya!)
66. If you have ever, at _any_ time, referred to your friends or loved ones by any of these names- (Beckers, Li'l Britches, Mollycat, Button-nose, Papa Bear, Boss-Lady, Fuzzy, Inn-Keeper, Kit-boy, Cuz, Cupcake, Brown-eyes, or various others not available for reference at this time)
67. If you continue to believe in the propellor fairy
68. If, when you are seated at a seafood restaurant and are asked if you feel like a big crab, you glare at the waiter and retort, "Not yet, but I'm getting there"
69. If you have a nagging phobia of being eaten by polar bears- (I don't want to go like Grandma!!)
70. If you find that you really don't go in for flashy, llama-head jewelry that only comes off when it has brought you to your destiny- (Stop saying that!!)
71. If you have ever, at any time, felt like one big goosebump of excitement.
72. If your idea of reassuring your friends on their current status of approval is to remark on their personal hygiene- (You look awful...but you smell clean!)
73. If you have particular rules concering how you are addressed and expect them to be followed accordingly- (_You_ can call me Sir!)
74. If you are rather critical about diversions, their whereabouts, or their untimely consequences- (You think they grow on trees?)
75. If you find yourself making unacceptable jokes concerning any individuals who have the unhealthy combination of being larger than you...and cranky- (Has he had his shots?)
76. If you continue to impress all friends and acquaintances with your astounding abilities and wit merely from your encounters with the cinema- (Oh, I saw it in a movie...)
If you have shown any or all of these symptoms, now is the time to act. Don't wait until it is too late, TaleSpin Anonymous is here to help You!!
