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Back To The Klondike

Reviewed: 08/08/2009

....And into the nasty Goldie!

Time for our first regular episode rant on Ducktales as I deal with the very first episode ever made in production as well as the first Barks story to be converted from the comics. Apparently; according to Chris Barat, the Ducktales version has part of the story that didn't past muster with BS&P and thus was changed from the comics. It's a good thing I only rant what I see and hear because if I didn't, it would create a bias that I don't need to see. So let's rant on shall we?!

This episode was written by Carl Barks (!!!). The teleplay and story is edited by Tedd Anasti and Patsy Cameron. Carl Barks is the undisputed writer of all of those Donald Duck shorts you see Walt Disney do in the 1930's and 1940's. He also wrote a comic script about the entire Donald Duck/Scrooge McDuck universe that is based on this very series. And yes; this show caused a lot of nuclear heat among those fans too; like TaleSpin did with Disney feature fans.

We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM only it's snowing. So this episode was a Christmas episode?! Okay; I'm jumping the gun here; but every time I see snow, I get that tingle feeling inside of me. We then cut to inside a hallway as Scrooge has some tea in a pink cup (Webby's revenge methinks?!) and a good old book. I can see Al Khan running for the hills as we speak. He heads inside and Mrs. Beakly is dancing and singing so badly that I swear to god; she taught Binky how to annoy Drake for my pleasure. Oh; and the woman and children are making valentine stuff so this is not a Christmas episode; but a valentine episode. Well; Ransom of the Red Chimp was awesome as one; why can't this episode be? Scrooge gets all batty about the pink cupids as I suspect he doesn't like naked babies. Or something like that as Louie would say as he screws up big time with the scissors. It truly is not easy being green. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Scrooge blows it off because it's a waste of time. Just like Christmas right Ebeneezer Scrooge McDuck? AHHAHAHAHAHA! You would think he would have learned by now not to be the biggest critics of holidays by now? Scrooge walks out into the dark hallway; all decked out in the cartoon blue/green tint. It wouldn't be until Rescue Rangers before they started the mature lighting stuff. Scrooge tip toes into the next room while putting his pink tea cup away and goes into a room with the CHEST OF HEART DEMONS (check the golden heart on the front) and opens it up with the golden key.

So then we cut back into the Heart Craft Room of Doom as Louie is asking for more glue; and Huey (who seems to have a half red/black baseball cap on for some reason.) knows where to find some. So; they sneak forward and open the lit room door on the other side and become SHOCKED and APPALLED as Scrooge has a big ass valentine heart in his procession. I wonder if he stole that one from Don Karnage who stole it from Juan..Oh wait; that was his diary, my mistake. Scrooge naturally lies that he was checking his pocket for loose change. To quote Bill Cosby: Riiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhtttttt. Are we on Candid Camera? The nephews catch him on the lie and Scrooge proclaims that it's a waste of time as he walks back into the room and the whole place is clean as a whistle; and Mrs. Beakly is gone. WHAT?! Logic break #1 for the episode and this one is really pushing it. Scrooge sits in the badly drawn Gedo fashion sensed banana yellow loveseat as he explains to the kids about the old valentine being hand delivered to him on a mountain top. Oh wait; Mrs. Beakly is back as she sits in the green chair; but it still doesn't explain how Mrs. Beakly cleaned up the place in less than 30 seconds. Scrooge explains that the time period was when his wallet was as skinny as his legs. That is still a very thick wallet there pal. And so we begin the flashback.....

.and it's snowing hard in the forest of the Klondike with badly drawn wolves howling. We pan east and zoom in and then cut to the front of a wooden cabin as Young Scrooge McDuck (wearing brown fur gear and the raccoon hat; along with carrying the blunderbuss.) comes out and walks to a snowy rock. He looks around and then grabs a sack out from the buried area as a wolf appears from behind (nice music by the way) growling. Scrooge didn't know what was wilder; the wolves or him. I think Scrooge wins by a mile as he snarls badly; but the power of suggestion forces the wolf to whimper and walk backwards away. Scrooge bounces his sack (NOT THAT ONE!) and then we get the scene changer as we go into the town of Klondike (sounds like a Bugs Bunny short) as Scrooge explains the greedy gal in the land which is Glittering Goldie. Or as I call her: Psycho Goldie. And there is a piano being played; and the writers better hope it's not an automatic playing piano like in the Wuzzles; or this could turn into a Scooby Doo episode. Thankfully; it doesn't as we cut to the saloon and see a play going on as pig furries and wolves are watching Psycho Goldie on stage swinging on a swing made of flowers in a pink dress , pink heels and golden tiara. HOLY CRAP?! She looks like Daisy Duck to me.

She is just a poor psycho girl who is bashful and shy. Okay; I made up the psycho part. She is voiced by Joan Gerber by the way. She's honest and truthful and cannot tell a lie. Okay; we cut to the seats as Scrooge enters as we cut to various furries including the guy playing the piano as it's an old manual piano. Which is fine by me as Goldie continues to swing as she climbs down and talks about not caring for diamonds, rubies or pearls. How ironic this song is when she's wearing diamonds, rubies and pearls on her tiara and pink dress; along with the ruby rings. So much for honest and truthful. She is the anthro version of Sarah Palin. AHHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm...At least she isn't wearing a fur coat; yet. She like gold nuggets see as Disney Captions screws up the song (It's only friend; not own friend..) as she walks stage right and finishes the song in a Mae West voice as the crowd throws gold and other assorted jewels on stage while whistling like sexists. I wondered how she got that look. Nudge! Nudge! Wink! Wink! Scrooge calls her a gal with good sense as there is a SEAL furry clapping like one. HAHA!

Scrooge then walks stage left to the car and tells the bartender (a dogsperson with red hair and mustache that looks like a Monty reject; along with green and white clothes and a black tie.) that he wants a mint soda. Heavy on the mint and heavy on the soda. I smell first edit coming as it's the WE KNOW IT'S ALCOHOL BUT WE'RE NOT TELLING DRINK OF DOOM. And then we pan over to see a tall mallard who looks like a walking Adolf Hitler duck (check the hair and mustache – why wasn't this BS&P'ed?) wearing a red suit with a pink pompom on it blowing off Scrooge and then the crowd laughs at him. Scrooge responds in kind calling him Dangerous Dan. Man; this guy is so greasy, I think he morphed into Daring Dan and owned a stunt school three years later. See what I mean by people calling TaleSpin a Ducktales wannabe?

Dan is voiced by Will Ryan who you met before in the Gummi Bears rant. He started off on the Smurfs in 1981 and has been a voice actor all throughout his life. He does a lot of Disney characters; Rabbit, Tigger, Eyeroe; and is usually typecast as Willie The Giant. He also did Goofy and Pete voices and even did Scrooge, the Beagle Boys and Gyro in Sport Goofy in Soccermania. Gummi Bears was his DTVA debut and was Papa Bear in Looney Tunes: Back In Action and Grubby in Teddy Ruxpin (tape and television series). His last credit was Mickey Mouse Clubhouse as Willie The Giant. Dan calls him out on payment and Scrooge takes out his sack and it is a gold nugget which causes everyone to be awed. 2:1 odds that he's doing the Bugs Bunny trick (rocks and a can of gold paint). Scrooge agrees to give drinks to everyone...who didn't laugh at him of course. HEE HEE! Everyone except Glittering Goldie walks away to sulk as Goldie doesn't laugh at a duck with a gold nugget. Golide offers Scrooge a game of cards and calls him feather face (and sloppy TMS forget to sync her mouth near the end). Scrooge doesn't respond; but Dan and his dogperson bodyguard (Hal Smith) grab him by the shoulders and walk towards the wooden table with six additional gamblers. Oh goody; you know this is the old Disney when gambling was STILL allowed in any context. Minus Pokemon-equse card trading of course. Goldie throws a coin onto the table and everyone throws their bets in the middle along with Scrooge's gold nugget.

Goldie deals the cards to all nine gamblers and I wonder why the bodyguard is still holding Scrooge's shoulders. Is this some gay message that wasn't intended or something? Everyone has their cards and they play poker just like the real sport is nowadays. Yeah; I could never get why this became a big time business. Maybe it's due to the CRTC/FCC lifting restrictions on gambling and it was always popular. Who knows. The play goes on as more stuff gets thrown on the table and the mouse gambler wearing all black (Hal Smith) and others throw their cards down and admit defeat. He also swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (dog gone it!) as he and the pig gambler leave. The match continues to music fanfare as it's down to Goldie, Dan, Scrooge and the seal furry. YAY! Seals are finally getting some respect on a DTVA show instead of having Kit get them over with his awesomeness. Scrooge is winning as we get more stuff thrown down and the seal is forced to quit. So it's down to Dan, Scrooge and Goldie. Funny spot: When the seal (I guess it's either Hal Smith or Will Ryan) swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (shee-oot!); Dan takes out his pistol and fires at the bartender and misses the apple cider. Which is usually made of alcohol of course so they're aren't telling anyone. And I betcha that scene get cut anyway by Toon Disney.

Dan blows smoke into Scrooge's face (and it's the weakest smoke I have ever seen) as Scrooge coughs and wheezes. That allow Goldie to finally turn heel on Scrooge and replace her cards with a deck of cards she left in her heels. Scrooge recovers and doesn't suspect a thing as he proclaims that she can only win with the ace of hearts. And I betcha she shows the ace of hearts and wins. I check the DVD....Damn; I'm good as she steals all the gold and leaves proclaiming that his luck has run out. Scrooge pounds on the table as he wonders what the chances are of getting that card and then looks over the deck and they are all ace of hearts. How she knew that is beyond me as Goldie takes the golden nugget and drops it into the piano and then walks off. Scrooge calls her a cheater and runs stage right. NO?! REALLY?! He is stopped by Dan the bouncer and they dance, dance, dance to their doom. HEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry; Smurf valentine's day episode lapse there. Scrooge gets spun like a top and then Dan throws Scrooge out of the saloon and Scrooge takes a MAN-SIZED bump into a weak tree. Man; someone must have poured cement into that tree to get it that strong. He also gets buried in a snow tomb on the rebound as Dan proclaims that he cooled him off. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments.

He laughs badly so Scrooge tackles him back like an asshole and Dan gets dumped into the piano with a MAN-SIZED bump and the piano rolls over. Dan gets knocked outside the opposite way through the stage door and goes down the snowy hill. Nice to see Dan take those bumps even if he's just another tasteless Nazi wannabe. It turns into a snowball and lands with a wussy bump onto the river below and somehow he doesn't fall into the river and get washed again. How about that? Logic break #2 for the episode as Dan pops from the snowball with the golden nugget in his hands. D'OH! We then cut to the stairs as Scrooge demands his gold nugget back because she is a CHEATER see. Goldie calls him sour dough (HA!) because she doesn't have it see. She walks up as Scrooge proclaims that he'll call the mounted police. Goldie recoils on that one and wants to dig another gold nugget for him as Scrooge blows him off and calls her dishonest more or less. Goldie runs down and grabs a pick ax and proclaims that last one to the claim is a worthless nugget. Okay that was awfully lame. How about last to the claim is a fool's gold nugget?

That would make more sense in the context of the episode. She asks for the claim and Scrooge foolishly proclaims that it's White Agony Creek. She walks off singing as Scrooge looks worried. However; we cut to morning outside as the snow is melting already. I thought global warming wasn't suppose to exist for another 10 years? Never mind; we head back to a pan shot of the cabin as we go inside the mine shaft to see Goldie and Scrooge working together as she proves to be the hardest worker he ever knew. We get various scenes with the dreaded CANCER MUSIC OF DOOM as Scrooge and Goldie take the rocks and use a gray blanket to flip them and then place them on a metal plate. This goes on as they worked through the weather digging up rocks and even getting into a snowball fight at one point. Okay; this is really charming, but still TaleSpin has that emotional bond with me and it just makes scenes like this look second rate. Again; I cannot fault the effort though.

So after some good scenes; the final scene has them over to the burial place as they did find some gold and place it into the sack and then bury it under the same rock as earlier. So Goldie is officially a babyface now; which is weird since she was a heel about two minutes ago. Anyhow; Scrooge wants to meet Goldie at the train station and gives him the valentine which Scrooge showed to the nephews earlier. Goldie agrees to it and kisses him on the cheek allowing Scrooge to see hearts in his eyes as he looks more punch drunk than he was with gold fever. Scrooge is giddy because it's time to go back to Duckberg. So we logically go to Scrooge's place AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as an owl hoots and we cut to the windows outside as we see Scrooge taking care of himself while singing Oh Goldie. I think this is going to end badly for him as the SHADOW OF DOOM arrives (Dan's partner; I'm not fooled guys) as he goes over to the burial site and steals the sack and then leaves without further incident. And that's why you do a cartoon green/blue tint instead of mature lighting here Mr. Hardcore.

We are supposed to suspect someone steals something. Too bad they didn't make enough of an effort to mask him better so I couldn't suspect it was Dan's partner. And then Scrooge appears in his stylist green gear with green hat which makes him look like something out of Saint Patrick's Day. I thought this was a Valentine episode; shouldn't he be wearing red gear to make the episode make sense? He checks the vault and of course there is nothing....AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING! Scrooge swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (Curse me kilts!) as he has been robbed. NO?! REALLY?! And I betcha he blames Goldie for it too...Well; not yet as he goes into the saloon as Dan is taking over as bartender. Scrooge asks him about Goldie because he needs to tell her that they were robbed see. Dan then decides to poison the well good (as if the Godwin's law face doesn't show that already?) that Goldie skipped town with a stash of gold. Yeap; Scrooge is realizing that Goldie is the thief even though it's clear that she is not. She wants to start a redneck routine on her own. Yeah; let's make her a thief and a racist all in one go. Now you know Dan is a greasy heel as Scrooge gets mad and then sad at the same time on THAT one.

Scrooge decides to move far away to Red Agony Creek (so he claims) as we see some mountains and birds in the background. We then pan down to his site as he became a hermit and mined his fortune alone. We see Scrooge with the pickaxe looking for gold again as his gray beard is suddenly out of control. And then the flashback is officially over as logic break #2 beckons since the banana yellow chair changes into a green chair as Scrooge explains that he was never happy at Red Agony Creek as he was at White Agony Creek. Webby asks him if he misses her as Scrooge goes over to the window and admits that he misses her sometimes. She may be a thief; but she was a charming psycho thief. Okay; he didn't really say that as the nephews ask him about if there is any gold in White Creek and Scrooge proclaims that there might be since he only took out a small chuck of the claim and that gives him the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY since it's still his claim. He tells the boys to pack their bags because they are going hunting for gold and maybe even Goldie as the nephews giggle under their breath. They know why Scrooge is going; god bless the non-verbal cue.

So that logically leads us to a far shot of a tunnel as the wolves are howling and a train waltzes down the tracks making good time. We then go inside the passenger cart as Scrooge and the nephews relax as Dewey bounces badly in excitement. Man; TMS' animation is stinking up the joint for some reason as Scrooge cannot wait to show Dangerous Nazi Dan's Honky-tonk. Doesn't that show how racist Dan really is? As if the Nazi face doesn't give it away? He calls the greatest place on Earth. So we get the scene changer and the town is reduced to ghost status. HAHA! Scrooge wonders where everyone is gone to as we pan over east to behind a rock as Dangerous Dan (who looks like a miner and has got rid of the Hitler look thank god) and his partner Dan (the one who stole the sack in the first place) as they are glad Scrooge is back because they get to steal his MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH again. Dan's partner sniffs the ground and thinks it's his aftershave. Even though he hasn't shaved that beard in weeks methinks. So that logically leads us to...

.White Agony Creek BEFORE HAPPY HOUR as Scrooge jumps onto the rock and proclaims that they are home sweet home. Then Scrooge looks right just as the nephews arrive and he is SHOCKED and APPALLED to see someone living at the cabin rent free. Funny how this house is the only one perfectly intact eh? Scrooge runs to take a closer look and then ducks as a rifle Swiss cheese's his hat on the rock. Finally; it took six episode for them to be gun happy. Take one guess who has the rifle. Scrooge tells the nephews as he plays with his hat that he'll wait until dusk and then disarm the rogues because he knows this place like the back of his head. So we head to Scrooge's property AFTER HAPPY HOUR as an owl hoots on a dead tree and we get more violin music as Scrooge practices the fine art of not being seen and shot at on the rocks that he finds. Sadly; he crawls behind a pack of fur which clearly looks like a bear and now Scrooge is seriously (insert swear word here). Damn; I'm good as the bear growls on him and looks evil. No wonder kids thought DUCKS RULEZ and BEARS DROOLZ! That ends the segment 11 and a half minutes in. Pretty good episode so far...

After the commercial break; we see the bear growling and Scrooge tells him that he's sleeping on his claim. Trust me Scrooge; never get on a bear's bad side, no matter what. Right Kit?! POW! OUCH! HEY.....The bear no sells as I love the CONTINUITY in that the top hat is STILL damaged from the bullets earlier. Scrooge offers to show the bear his place. That leads to Scrooge bailing like a coward and it's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE BEAR EDITION~! Dewey tells Scrooge to climb a tree. Why? So he can act like a nut? I thought he was already nuts. A Richo nut. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm... We then pan over to see nephew up a tree and acting like nuts already. See; he's way too big to climb up. Then explain TaleSpin's bears Dewey? I see Huey has the LIBERIAL RED BOOK OF LIES THE KIDS EDITION~! POW! OUCH! Ummm..I mean the Junior Woodchuck Guide Book handy for such things. Sadly; it's useless against Sea Bears of course as Scrooge climbs up the tree and loses his hat as the bear bounces his head off the tree and Scrooge is forced to hang on. And naturally; the bear climbs the tree no problem. I told you that book is a pack of lies; but would you Carl Barks fanboys listen? Nooooooooo...You have to punch me in the kisser instead. And I thought the Rescue Ranger fanboys were nuts?

Dewey tells him to climb higher even though Scrooge is already near the top. Scrooge manages to find his hat on the ground and it's tree springboard time as Scrooge's hat drops from his head and Scrooge is seriously screwed now. The slingshot of doom lands him in the river with a resounding splash as the bear is forced off the tree. Wow; Dewey's plan worked after all. HEE HEE! Dewey then reads the book and admits that the book sezs under paragraph 9, Chapter 22 that bears can swim as Scrooge runs on air stage left. The bear jumps into the water and it's the SCOOBY DOO SWIM SEQUENCE THE BEAR EDITION~! The deers run away as Scrooge makes it to the waterfall and hides in it. Like this will work against bears; suuuuuurrrrreeee. Scrooge cannot swim upstream of course (DUH!) and the bear uses the paw swipe to swipe Scrooge out of the river like a fish. HAHA! Scrooge takes some pretty impressive bumps that would have broken his neck in any other universe; except this one and TaleSpin; and Scrooge is knocked silly. And the hat is still filled with holes as the beat goes in for the kill; but the whistle of doom forces the bear to bounce away stage left as the nephews notice that the bear and Goldie walk off (check the height compared to Dan; I'm not fooled guys) to the cabin. Louie proclaims that they aren't friends with Scrooge. NO?! REALLY?! Scrooge recoils from the carnage as the nephews walk over to console him as we cut to Dan and his partner blowing him off on his health. See how easy it is to figure out who is who in this episode?!

Dan proclaims that there must be gold on this claim. No crap Sherlock as we cut to a tree with bees as Huey and the gang do a chain ladder to a hole with lots of honey. See; bears are attracted to honey. Somehow; I doubt that unless you are Winnie The Pooh. Huey has a stick of the brown sticky substance (which looks like feces to me) as the Junior Woodchuck Guide Book proclaims that bears are attracted to honey. Well; it's batting .500 in this episode so far as we see a wooden cage on the right side. This MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN is going to backfire big time; I just know it. Scrooge gets in front of the cage as he asks for more advice and Huey proclaims that the bear is wasting zero time as the nephews rise the cage door up and here comes PSYCHO FUZZY~! Scrooge runs into the cage (D'OH!) as the bear advances at great neck speed as Dewey proclaims that the bear-catching is fool proof. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Only if it work to catch Scrooge in the cross fire methinks you need to rethink THAT one Dewey. Scrooge runs through the bars (even though his arm clearly touches the bars easily. Good one TMS.) and the bear breaks through the other side of the bars easily. Next time; USE METAL bars you dumbasses! And the cage is destroyed of course as the nephew realize it's not bear proof. Just now?! It's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE WINNIE THE POOH EDITION~!

The nephews climb down and realize that there is one way to stop the bear. My opinion: SHOOT IT DEAD! That'll make the bear stop dead in it's tracks. Scrooge and the bear do the rock around the clock spot counter clockwise. What is this; Happy Days?! Only the bear is truly happy in this one and we go whirlwind as Scrooge bails stage left as the bear continues to play Happy Days backwards. That's like playing the devil's music; only more absurd. The bear runs off as the nephews head to the house and Huey knocks on the door and then climbs up to the roof (with help from Dewey and Louie). That allows Goldie's shadow to come out (why bother? We know it's her already. Check the damn height and female appearance.) and the nephews invoke the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE to grab the blunderbuss from her. They look down and finally the most iconic response from Louie happens....

Louie: Quackeroonie! You are a lady claim jumper!

Well; now you know where I got the QUACKEROONIES OF DOOM from?! Goldie admits she is and demands answers to this outrage as Louie wants her to call off the bear before he eats Scrooge McDuck. Goldie gets all concerned as she calls him no good and then runs into the cabin to dress up again. She closes the door as the nephews climb down the roof from the side. Goldie cleans herself up and then re-enters looking like the dancer on stage from the flashback as Dewey swear in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (Holy smoke!) and they realize what I have been saying for the last five minutes that it's Glittering Goldie. After all; she's the ONLY female in this episode to be a gold digger so to speak. Goldie leaves as she's not going to help him; but she's going to shoot him dead more or less as she has her pistol loaded. Now do you see why I call her psycho?! So we cut to more thrilling action of Scrooge running away with the honey stick from the bear. And the hat is STILL full of bullet holes. Nice CONTINUITY from TMS there.

Scrooge finally trips and takes a few wussy bumps onto the ground and the bear blitzes past him without further incident. Sadly; Scrooge's real troubles have just begun as Goldie yells at him to start running to give him a sporting chance. Scrooge gets up and realizes who the claim jumper is. Okay; I can forgive Scrooge for not knowing since he was out when we saw her; but it's still a logic break when the nephews see her. Goldie uncorks her pistol as she proclaims that she came and the town closed down since all the gold is gone now. Scrooge left to forget but never forgot her. Which of course contradicts his earlier claim that he sometimes remembers her. Considering that Goldie is awesome at this point (I mean she was the first lady to uncork heat on a DTVA show); I think Scrooge is seriously dead now as he kisses her hand and she recoils into sweetness. They walk off as the nephews watch on not liking the sweetness of the scene. Dewey thinks this is better than holding hands with her bear. I agree somewhat; but that pistol is making it harder for me to believe that.

So we logically go to a far shot of the waterfall as Goldie and Scrooge sit on a log exchanging notes about the good old days in the Klondike including the part where they were going to leave for Duckberg. And then Scrooge accuses her of stealing the gold and Goldie proclaims that she didn't and now she is PISSED. She goes for her gun and it goes off as Goldie falls off the log. I see where Don Karnage gets his insults from as Scrooge bails stage right and it's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE PSYCHO GOLDIE EDITION~! This is just great; and that character trait Goldie has is a template for Morgana and Darkwing Duck. Scrooge hides behind some rocks as Goldie calls him out and a rat. A shot is fired and it skins some rock and there is a gold vein in these hills. I guess no one stole from White Agony Creek after all as Scrooge tells her to hold her fire. Why?! This was really starting to get good and you want it to STOP?! Apparently; Goldie wounded a million dollars in gold and Scrooge laughs to end the segment 17 minutes in.

After the commercial break; we see the nephews going up the hill to fetch a pail of Goldie nuts. AHHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm....Louie then gets disgusted about holding hands with a girl and apparently there is something worse. Man; these nephews must truly believe that females give them cooties or something. The worst thing is dancing with one as Scrooge and Goldie dance the night away. I guess the sexist virus has passed on from Huey onto Louie now. Goldie and Scrooge agree to mine the gold together again as long as Goldie agrees to pay him back the stolen gold from last time. Goldie blows him off because she didn't steal the gold see. Scrooge blows her off because he's not a young fool and Goldie gleefully answers that one for me. She grabs her gun (I guess it was on the rock) and whistle for the damn bear back as Louie believes both of them. The bear's name is Blackjack (neat name I do admit) and he arrives as Goldie and Blackjack leave for town and Blackjack gives Scrooge the old raspberry on the way out. Huey wonders if he's sure she took the gold and Scrooge doesn't care as he is going to mine the gold and clear his head. So we go to various scenes of the nephews working hard to mine them gold from the rocks. So we finally get to the river next to the wooden log river as the nephews and Scrooge work on mining the gold on the far shot while Dan and his partner watch on from above. They proclaims that they will do all the work and Dan and himself will get all the gold. Sadly; no gold fever happens. See; I told you it was Scrooge drinking too much alcohol. Nice rub on the gray beard from Dan as we logically lead to....

.The train station as the train leaves the station and we zoom in on the saloon as Blackjack is tied to the roof side while Goldie watches on from the train as Dan gets Goldie's attention from behind. Kind of like his life in full doesn't it?! Goldie has some plans for tonight and they have nothing to do with Dan see. Dan wants Goldie to help him with some target practice and rob the train more or less as Goldie admits that Scrooge is on that train. Dan then starts getting under Goldie's skin with that face of his that sezs: I'm a pervert and what are you going to do about it?! Goldie swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (shoot) as she calls Scrooge a bigger knot-head than Dan as she wants nothing to do with Dan or the gold or the train. Dan and his partner decide to leave on horseback proclaiming that she is not coming. Dan's partner asks if he's in love with Scrooge and Dan blows it off. The two heels ride horsey and exit stage left and gallop after the train. Goldie is not amused at this as we cut to inside the storage cart as Scrooge sulks on his golden sacks (NOT THOSE ONES!) with the nephews.

Scrooge admits to himself that he'll never see Goldie again. Huey proclaims that this is safer that way. If only that were true Huey. Louie calls her pretty and feels charmed about the whole thing. And then here comes the heels on horses and they shoot and they miss the nephews legs by about three inches. HOLY CRAP?! That's the first time I have seen someone shoot bullet shooting guns on a DTVA show other than TaleSpin. Well; at least they didn't go for the head; or the scene would have been cut like Plunder and Lighting part two. Scrooge shouts out as more gunfire on the nephews and they miss by about a foot as the nephews hide behind the money bags. Good lord; this is almost a perfect setup for Kit actually. The gold leaks out from the bags as Dan tries to get on board; but his gun holster gets caught on the saddle and he's the rope in a tug of war. You know he's buried as a heel when THAT happens. He manages to lose his gun holster (and gun before Eisner really pushes the panic button and orders cuts) and grabs onto the side of the train as the nephews use their fingers to plug up the leaks in the bags. Sadly; there are too many leaks to stop. Scrooge uses his hat; and the bullet holes are STILL there. HAHA! Dewey proclaims that one of them is on the roof. I guess it's Dan which makes little sense since he's still big enough to take them on. Or is he a big pussy?! Scrooge realizes if they stop the train; they are finished.

We cut to the roof as Dan stumbles like a drunk and Scrooge opens the roof door as Dan sees him and tries to go for his gun; but of course it's not there and he's using the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH. Al Khan must be having an blast right now seeing that. Scrooge blows off the pointing (YAY!) and it's dancing time. I think it's safe to say that Dan is buried as a heel now. He does some good moves and monkey flips Dan over the roof door. Dan gets up (see it was the alcohol that did him in) and they into their fighting stance. Drake must be in his glory watching this right now. Scrooge grabs the belt and tighten it and then releases and we get the whirlwind spot to annoy me. And of course his pants fall down. Well; I got to admit; the pocket ass protector underwear is pretty original; so I cannot complain much. The nephews watch on as the fight continues off-screen. You can tell that was a BS&P decision because TMS animates a fight pretty well. Scrooge wins easily and hogties Dan as they break logic as his pants are back on along with the belt. Logic break #3 for the episode as Dan proclaims that he should have caught a different train. Yeap; Dan is buried as a heel which is bad because Goldie should be the one doing this she since SHE is the one who needs to redeem herself in front of Scrooge. Lucky for him; the tree branch is RIGHT THERE and Scrooge takes a sick bump off the back of his head and falls through the roof door into the gold sacks below as the nephews continues to pointlessly save the dust. Dan's partner on horseback manages to get more than Dan ever could by pointing his pistol at the conductor of the train and he stops the train right on the dime.

We then cut to Dangerous Dan and Dan's partner (ah; I see he got his gun back and holster; no logic break there though) point their guns at the babyfaces inside proclaiming that he got the best of him again. Scrooge blows it off because he couldn't have done that. Except he's done it like three times already in this episode alone. Dan then blows his cover and admits that he stole his last shipment of Klondike gold as we get the flashback as we see Dan doing the deed which makes no sense since we clearly saw Dan's PARTNER steal it since in one of the shots; it was a dogsperson's nose. Logic break #4 for the episode and a bad one at that. This episode is going south faster than Launchpad's crash landings. Of course Dan admits that he poisoned the well; which we all knew HE DID. At least keep the logic consistent and show his partner stealing it for Dan.

And naturally; he forgets to admit that he STOLE Goldie's gold nugget from under her nose too as Scrooge calls him so low he has to look up to see a snake. Dan ignores him because he's rich and Goldie will be his valentine. Dream on pal. You're already buried as a heel. Just accept it; take your gold that you were lucky to get and get out before you lower yourself to henchman status. And of course Goldie shoots his hat off as she arrives on Blackjack with her blunderbuss. We are only up to 0.3 Trigun by the way as she jumps off Blackjack and he goes after the heels on horses. Now he is officially dead and done as a heel as we see the sun setting in the west quicker than I can say goodbye. Goldie asks if he is all right and Scrooge admits he was wrong in accusing Goldie of stealing his gold. But what about the gold nugget she cheated on you; you bastard?! So we fade to black....

Post Production Glitch #1: Black slug present....Never mind; let's move on since the episode is 45 seconds away from being over.

We go to a far shot of the train AFTER HAPPY HOUR as we see the nephews sitting on the sacks of gold and we pan over west to a rock as Scrooge and Goldie sit on top of it as the moon is full. The couple get all romantic on us as Scrooge offers her a chance to return to Duckberg; but Goldie proclaims that White Agony is her home now. Scrooge offers her something which looks like a brown wallet as Goldie wonders if it's a valentine. Scrooge proclaims that it's not and it's something better. He gives Goldie the deed to his claim and all the gold left in it. Goldie gets the deed and feels so happy about it. Scrooge calls it the least he could do. Scrooge proclaims that his heart is stolen and Goldie kisses him on the cheek and then we go to a far shot to see that the rock is really Blackjack sleeping. HEE HEE! Blackjack yawns as the couple gets all kissy-kissy on each other and then we go to the far shot as the train is tooting and creating smoke of hearts as we fade to black to end the episode at 21:17. This was going so well until the climax and then Dan just got buried hard by his own fumbling. And sadly; the killer ending was not really killer at all as some would claim. It's certainly not Jolly Molly Christmas in terms of killer endings. *** ½ (70%).


The first episode in production is finally in the book; and it was going just on it's marry way with a pretty good story about betrayal and love and trying to fight a nasty bear. However; once Dan finally got his hands dirty with his plan; the whole episode went south as Dan proved to be a bumbling henchman who got lucky by a stray tree branch. It's pretty disappointing considering that Dan was built up to be a greasy, nasty heel at least on looks. It also made Goldie look weak as she only got about two shots in and it was over. She never got into her awesome nasty mode like she usually does earlier in the episode. I wanted to see her kick Dan's ass. Dan's partner was more over in the end than Dan was in stopping the train successfully. And the finish was supposed to be a killer romantic ending and it fell flat even by DTVA's lofty standards outside of TaleSpin. Add on some logic breaks and a little sloppy animation from TMS and we got a middling episode.

Sad really; because I really love Goldie, she was a real powerful female who still acted like a female; but knew how to be a man when she most needed it. And it was fun to see Scrooge get screwed by psycho Goldie in the middle of the episode when she got involved. Blackjack was great too by the way; as he proved once again just how useless the Junior Woodchuck Guide Book really is. Now we will never see Goldie again.....unless a certain WEDDING FROM HELL comes along if you catch my drift. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! So.....

Thumbs in the middle for this episode and I'll see you next time.


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