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Duck In The Iron Mask
Aren't there laws against using Agony Booth bad writers as cartoon writers?
Here is yet another famous episode for me; not for the story or anything, but for one sequence that is an allagory for Disney's hell bent attitude to protect the nephews every chance they got to . And as you will see; this episode has a lot more interesting stuff behind the scenes. So let's rant on shall we...?!
This episode is written by Don Glut (?!!). The story is edited by Tedd Anasti and Pasty Cameron. According to the USIMDB:
As a teenager in Chicago, Glut began making amateur horror and fantasy films. Was a longtime comic book writer, doing stories for such characters as Vampirella, Captain America, and Kull. Was in a mid-Sixties rock band called Penny Arcade, who had a record produced by Mike Nesmith of the Monkees. Attended film school with George Lucas at the University of Southern California, and later wrote an excellent novelization of Lucas's production "The Empire Strikes Back," which is still in print.
After he went through his stint in writing animation episodes; he went on to do documentaries and Agony Booth bad horror flicks including Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, The Mummy's Kiss (and it's sequel), The Erotic Rites of Countess Dracula, Dinosaur Valley Girls, Blood Scarab and the Vampire Hunters Club. Umm; yeah...These movies are stuff that I'll let Albert Walker and his gaggle of ranters at the Agony Booth touch because they are the experts and I'm not see. I agree with Chris Barat: What in the world was Disney's hiring practices back then to get these kind of writers on board?
We begin this one with a sky shot of a baseball field as the crowd cheers and we pan left to see runners at the corners according to the announcer (Terry McGovern) acts like an idiot. It should be tying run is on x base with 2 outs as the Junior Woodchucks are playing against some dogsperson team. One question; why is the pitcher wearing a red hat while the rest are wearing white. Isn't that against regulations? And at bat is Huey Duck. Yes; even in Ducktales; Huey's last name is Duck which means Donald has a last name named Duck too. Although again; trying to figure out duck relations in this canon is like trying to figure out Samoan relations in wrestling. Huey then protests this outrage because he's not Huey see. Oh great; even the writers are admitting that no one can tell them apart. This is where name tags do come in handy. That allows the pitch to fling by for strike one from the umpire. Geez; Mr. Nephew; don't take it so personally. Just hit the damn ball already.
The baseball catcher and umpire are voiced by Pat Musick who started in 1981 with The Loch Ness Monster, and as Tony Toponi in An American Tail in 1986 (he also appeared in An American Tail: Mystery of the Night Monster). He then went mostly voice acting with Small Wonder as a cameo, James Bond Jr., Where's Waldo, Batman The Animated Series, The Tick and Extreme Ghostbusters as Janine Melnitz. Pat also appeared in a few Law & Order video games as well. Batman: The Brave & The Bold was Pat's most recent credit. This is also Pat's DTVA debut; and will also appear in another episode rant on this very disc actually. Pat was also Ursa in Gummi Bears throughout much of the second half of the series, was a female kid in Darkwing Duck in Cleanliness Is Next to Badliness (a rant I did a few years back), Bonkers, Fiddler Pig in House of Mouse, and the Buzz on Maggie. Pat also did a cameo on House by the way.
The crowd realizes that it's not Huey; so they cheer for Louie (Will Ryan for all fans) and Dewey blows it off. Memo to nephews: Invest in name tags. Then this wouldn't be so sad. Dewey gets his panties in a wad and the ball zips by for strike two. I'm amazed the umpire hasn't ejected Dewey, Dewey, I'm Bluey, Bluey for unsportsmanlike conduct. The nephew on first base calls for time and the nephews have a conference at the plate as the pig fan cannot tell them apart. Funny since they had zero trouble figuring it out in Take Me Out Of The Ball Game. Then again; I'm dealing with the same writer who wrote Dinosaur Valley Girls; so I shouldn't be surprised. Dewey looks out as I see logic break #1 for the episode already. In Take Me Out of The Ball Game; they were wearing the same red sleeves on their shirts. In this episode; Dewey has blue sleeves, Huey has red sleeves and Louie has green. And the crowd and announcer somehow cannot tell them apart. Oh; this is going to be a fun episode to mock; I just know it. Dewey is sick of people getting them confused all the time. Funny since this wasn't a real problem until now.
Sure; I have my problems telling them apart in Time Merit Adventures; but that was the exception. Funny note: Roger Ebert talked about how TMNT was so shallow because the only way to tell the ninja turtles apart was with their color mask. Which is false because in TMNT; you could also tell them apart by THEIR voices. They are different. Ducktales doesn't have that excuse with the nephews as they have the same voice and voice actress. Louie then calls Dewey Huey and Huey blows him off. Louie was only joking see. So they have the we are a team speech and Dewey slumps back to the plate as the catcher tells Dewey that Becky Waddle (Russi Taylor) loves him. Dewey is surprised at this; so much so that I betcha he gets strike three and the Junior Woodchucks lose the game. I check the DVD....Becky Waddle (a female Doofus with yellow hair) blows the KISS OF DEATH as the catcher basically calls him someone other than Dewey. Dewey gets mad and damn; I'm good. The crowd groans on that one. That just goes to show you that love truly hurts.
So we head to Scrooge's Mansion as the nephews whine about the loss as Dewey still thinks it's unfair that they look alike. Geez; can this get any more contrived. I mean who cares? Yeah; I made fun of the nephews for not being nearly as cool as Kit; but the Ducktales nephews are still good enough. Besides; I think the DT nephews should watch their Quack Pack counterparts and I think that alone will change their tune. No matter how moronic Mr. Glut gets. And I see mistake #2 for the episode as Louie calls them twins. Um; no, it's triplets. Unless Triplets is copyrighted for some reason. Dewey decides to open the door claiming Scrooge can tell them apart as Scrooge is using the pointy stick on a snowy map and Launchpad is using the magnifying glass. See; the place is so tiny it doesn't even appear on most maps. Oh lord; if Glut makes it to have Scrooge not tell them apart; I'm going to strangle him. Thank goodness Don Glut didn't go there; yet. Scrooge notices them as the nephews are sulking. Scrooge tells them to cheer up because they are going to the Montedumas. They ask where it is and Launchpad states it's a good question. Problem is; the magnifying glass clearly shows the location of it.
Scrooge explains that it's a tiny mountain kingdom ruled by his friend Count Roy. Scrooge and Roy are kissing cousins it seems as he flips onto the staircases and demonstrates his sword slashing skills because they didn't have a worry in the world. I guess Scrooge was a child back then. So we go to the shadow of doom and that segues into the flashback as Scrooge (with a black mask on) is doing his sword skills with a real epee on the staircase inside the castle I guess. He takes on Count Roy (duck with a white shirt, black mask and yellow hair) as this seems to be the demonstration sport I heard was planned for the 2020 Olympics by Smearinggun.com. And the epees are gold plated by the way as the fencing duel goes down the steps into the hallway with no end in sight. Scrooge narrates that he taught him how to handle a sword...very well I might add. Count Roy wins by a sword poke as he was a wee bit better. And he's a French men as it's Touche for Scroogie.
Count Roy is voiced by Maurice “Moe” LaMarche (who is a Canadian born citizen by the way as well as the late Phil Hartman) and he started with a few productions such as The Funny Farm, Sidestreet, The All-Night Show, Rock & Rule, The Princess Who Never Laughed and Take Me Up To The Ball Game. He started voice acting as Chief Quimby in Inspector Gadget (OUCH!), was George Wilson in the animated version of Dennis The Meance, Six-Gun in Transformers, Popeye in Popeye & Son, Puzzle in Popples, Egon Spengler in Ghostbusters (all versions), Inspector Gadget in IG and Super Mario Brothers Super Show (Rest in Peace Captain Louis Albano; if only they knew that you were a heel wrestling manager at one time), Zolton in Attack of The Killer Tomatoes, Dizzy Devil in Tiny Toons Adventures, Verminous Skumm in Captain Planet, Orson Welles in Ed Wood, Jeremy Hawke in The Critic, and of course he was the Brain in Animanics and Pinky & The Brain along Rob Paulsen as Pinky (which I got criticized by Chris Barat for leaving it out; rightfully so.). There are way too many animated series to list here; but those are some of the major ones. He also did cameos for The Simpsons, Family Guy and Futurama. His most recent credit is the The Super Hero Squad Show as Magneto. As for his DTVA credits; Ducktales is his DTVA debut; but he was Owl Capone and General Patton in TaleSpin, Aloysius Al Vermin in Bonkers, Scuttle in The Little Mermaid animated series, was in Quack Pack, was Mortimer Mouse in Mickey's Mouseworks, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and House of Mouse, Chuck Pearson in Pepper Ann, was in the Legend of Tarzan animated series, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Kim Possible, The Emperor's New School and Fleecmo Workers in The Replacements. Yeah; I'm surprised that he isn't in Phineas & Ferb. Yet. I believe that he has also done Foghorn Leghorn and Yosemite Sam in Looney Tunes video games recently.
Count Roy takes off the mask (as does Scrooge) and man; the guy looks like a million bucks although the slight black mustache on the beak negates the effect a little bit. Oh; and they shake hands and do the ass bounce on each others assess. And then they laugh. Oooookkkkkayyyy. We then go to a zoom out shot of the mountain castle overlooking a small village below near a bunch of mountains. Scrooge proclaims that he is far and just; loves his people and loved by his peers. With Scrooge around; I take that with a grain of salt. The flashback ends as he proclaims that he cannot wait to see him again and the charming kingdom. Of course; Scrooge really wants the treasury gathering dust to have it invested by McDuck Industries. I just knew MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH had something to do with the venture. The babyface mock him nicely on that one. So we head to the launchpad as the L-11 big ass white American helicopter is ready and the babyfaces all go inside. We know this due to the L-11 printed in red letters and the red, blue and white color scheme on the helicopter.
So Huey and Louie are on the platform waiting for Dewey and here comes Dewey wearing the most absurd outfit in history; before we saw Kit wearing a pickle and seal outfit. Dewey is merely a clown who is trying to convince me in a contrived way that he stands out in a crowd. Kit wore the seal and pickle outfit because he's an animal lover and an insane sadist. I mean that outfit would be outlawed by the FASHION POLICE OF LAW; not to mention that this whole thing is seriously out of character for the nephews in general. Of course; I could show mercy if that red bow tie has a camera in it; but I doubt it since the purple hat with daisy flower on it is even worse than the rest of the goofy outfit. I also see he stole and shrank Gladstone's blue shin guards too. Dewey proclaims that no one will mistake him for someone else and the other nephews show surprise restraint in mocking him. Jeepers; if there was one moment where a Quack Pack mocking is in order; this is it. They go in and close the platform as the helicopter takes off.
So we go into the side shot of the sky as the helicopter flies stage left; and the whales jump and swim stage left. And then we go into the mountains on the sky shot as the clouds roll in and yes; there is a golden dollar sign on the helicopter just so we don't forget who owns the helicopter. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! Scrooge tells Launchpad to be careful because the kingdom is so small; he might miss it. I think Scrooge should be careful in asking to Launchpad to land the helicopter period. Of course; I guess Scrooge assumes that the helicopter has no wings; so LP cannot crash it. That kind of logic died a long time ago Scroogie. We do a cockpit shot as Launchpad tells him not to worry because he won't miss it by much.
Then we pan over to the passenger window and see Dewey in his ultra moronic disguise (who does he think he is: Invader of the Willy Wonka Candy Factory?) wearing his seat belt (so they can be safe according to Dora's Law) as we pan over to Huey and Louie's seat as Huey blows off Dewey for having a personal grudge against looking like them. Huey does have a point on his head if Quack Pack is any indication. And then we go to the side shot outside and of course the engine starts to sputter. Why is it that when something crashes in this show; it's NOT because LP is trying to crash it on purpose and it's some stupid mechanical failure? We go into the cockpit as Scrooge hold his ears and swears in DUBBED SCOTTISH STYLE (Curse me kilts!). Launchpad claims that the fuel lines are clogged. Riiiiggggghhhhhtttt. That's like claiming that the Balloon Boy incident (back story: Some idiot had this weird balloon UFO in their backyard and it got released and allegedly a small child got into the balloon as it floated away. To quote Bill Cosby: Yeah right?!) on CNN was legit and not an obvious hoax. The helicopter nose dives for a while as a mother bird and her nest get carried away in the process. Scrooge tells him to do something and Launchpad is doing something which is what he does best: crash. See; this is why I think the fuel line clogging is an obvious hoax.
Thankfully; the runway is inside the village near the castle as we head inside the village as it looks like modern civilization still doesn't exist here at all as axes are still being used to chop wood. And there is dust sweeping the roads and there's an old woman (who looks like a black wolf with a yellow shirt, orange sash and brown/beige dress) carrying a cow down the street. The woman finally notices the humming and she panics (Russi Taylor I presume; or maybe Pat Musick; I don't know) as the log cutter notices as well and he yells that it's a horrible flying white dragon (I'm not going to hazard a guess who voiced him) and he yells at them to bail and they bail in different direction like scalded dogs. The helicopter shadow shows up and it slams right into the street (helpfully pointed out by LP) as the helicopter destroyed the BARREL OF LAUGHS. Riiiiiighhhhhtttt LP; the path is completely clear. About as clear as your air head. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! And the conveniently placed wagon of chickens gets destroyed of course as I smell heavenly vengeance by these fowl beings as Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past players can attest to.
Everyone pops out from their hiding places and somehow; the helicopter lands without any damage to it whatsoever. I see Scrooge has invested in LP crash proof materials. The platform opens with a thud as Pietro's (Will Ryan I bet since it sounds like Dogface Pete and probably looks like Dogface Pete only in Muskerteer gear.) voice beckons and the nephews look out. And it does look like Dogface Pete (plus purple feather of doom which is dangerously close to sending Michael Eisner out of the Phantom Zone.) as he is writing a ticket of charges on his scroll. He demands to see the driver of this contraption. Launchpad and Scrooge walk out as LP blows Pietro off (I'm guessing Chris Barat would have him as Petero which makes the pun better I do believe.) and Pietro stuffs tickets into his mouth to shut him up. Too bad that will never work on Drake Mallard; nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING shuts him up. Only three charges against LP as Scrooge reads them from his mouth. Okay; the disturbing the peace one is understandable; operating an illegal contraption is a bit of an ass and crashing in a no crashing zone is redundant. The fine is only $2000 which is pretty generous actually. And knowing Don Glut; I'm betting Scrooge gets pissed off big time on that. And damn you Don Glut as Scrooge get stuffed another 500 bones for squawking which is also redundant since disturbing the peace would cover that charge. Scrooge unstuffs his mouth and demands to see Count Roy at once. Pietro asks why and Scrooge proclaims that he's a personal friend of the count of Montedumas.
So we head inside the throne room as Pietro's musketeers open the door and there sits a mallard wearing a purple coat and purple gloves with an epee and a locket. Now it's clear to me that this isn't Count Ray because the length of the mustache clearly gives it away. Count Ray has a much smaller mustache than Count Roy does. Although Count Roy does have the Drake Mallard full of himself routine down pat I see. Count Ray is voiced by Arte Johnson who started as Chuck in Best Foot Forward in 1954 along with Miracle In The Rain, The Wild & The Innocent and The Subterraneans. He also made cameo appearances on The Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and was Cpl. Lefkowitz in Don't Call Me Charlie. He also made a small appearance in Sesame Street in 1970 and even Dean Martin's Celebrity Roast show. And yes folks; there is such a thing as Celebrity Bowling which was in 1975. He started voice acting in 1972 with Houndcats, and did mostly cameo appearances including being part of the introduction of 3-2-1 Contact! He was Weerd in 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo, and on Foofur and Yo Yogi. Ducktales is his only DTVA appearance; although the Tales of The Apple Dumpling Gang was his first Disney appearance five years before this. His final credit was the Justice League in 2005 as Vermin Vunderbarr.
...And Count Ray is sleeping as Scrooge runs to him to greet him and Count Ray uses his webfeet to push him away. It's clear from the very start that this is Count Roy because Count Roy clearly sounds more like the Brain and this voice is far from close. Personally; Count Ray should have also been voiced by Maurice LaMarche; if only to reduce the clears signs that he isn't Count Roy to just one feature: The mustache. Oh; and the locket has a golden key which I'm sure is going to be used before this episode is over. Pietro grabs Scrooge as Ray calls him a lunatic. He has never seen Kit Cloudkicker in his life. That boy is a lunatic. Scrooge tries to tell him that his old friend Scrooge has returned and of course Ray doesn't really remember him as he stammers; but he recoils and proclaims that he doesn't like him anymore. Ray asks for the charges as Scrooge is taken aback for being called a criminal. Of course today; no one would be shocked since the meme that all rich guys are evil actually works. Pietro brings out his false charges and they broke every law in the books including the no cheapskate law. I can smell Michael Moore liking this one.
And of course Pietro blows off Dewey's outfit and charges him with looking weird. HAHA! Okay; that's the first funny spot of the entire episode...at eight and a half minutes in! And Dewey's mouth gets stuffed of course as Scrooge rips up the charges in protest. I would also call him out for littering and bad recycling to boot. Hey; it's a banana ruling state; at least try to go all the way with it. Pietro goes for his golden epee to Scrooge's neck and that shuts him up. Again; it won't work on Drake because you know. Ray calls them knaves and decides to lock Launchpad and Scrooge up into the tower. Launchpad hates that because he draws the line at knaves. So Ray calls them idiots and they still get locked up in the tower. That is so WWE-equse of you Ray. Pietro grabs LP and Scrooge and asks about the nephews. And here comes probably the silliest and as you will see; stupidest decision Count Ray makes as he doesn't want to put children in prison. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PUTTING CHILDREN IN PRISON?! I mean; what about Molly Cunningham in Flight of the Snowduck and Kit in Citizen Khan? Why are these two bears getting the adult treatment and yet Disney is protecting the nephews? I think they can handle prison time given Duckworth's Revolt. And it just kills Count Ray as a heel right out of the starting gate with the next sequence involving the nephews later on. Count Ray's image would be hurt see. Riiiiiggggghhhhhtttt. Tell that to “Get Tough On Crime” Republicans Count Ray. They get the uninvited guestroom of course as he has the evil laugh.
So we head to the guest room as the pig musketeer opens the door (the guest room looks really reasonable making the whole punishment even more absurd in hindsight.) and the nephews get put inside and the pig musketeer blows them off as look-a-likes before closing the door (I'm guessing Arte Johnson here). Oh; and he wants no funny business as the eye peeper in the door closes as well. Dewey goes to the MIRROR OF VANITY and blows the guy off. Louie and Huey run to the prison like window as they see the prison tower in the distance. So we head to the prison tower and a pan down shot towards the bridge as Pietro forces Launchpad and Scrooge into the tower and they are thrown inside when the door opens. Scrooge protests this outrage by calling on the lawyer card. Pietro blows him off and tells him he should be lucky that he didn't end up like the Duck In The Iron Mask. And if you don't know who he is; you have no business reading this rant. He's the most horrible creature in the kingdom and there is some groaning. Pietro calls LP and Scrooge a vacation compared to him and then he slams the prison door and walks out. So there is more moaning as LP and Scrooge are not liking the sounds of this. LP then notices a brick coming out of the wall (which he confuses as the wall closing in which Scrooge gleefully corrects) and it gets pushed out and here comes the DUCK IN THE IRON MASK (the duck like MASK OF VULCAN gives it clear away) as Scrooge swears in DUBBED SCOTTISH STYLE (Bless me bagpipes!) wearing some sheepskin and has a padlock on the mask. Scrooge and LP are frightened like stiff bunny rabbit as the segment ends nearly 10 and a half minutes in.
After the commercial break; we get a shot of Scrooge and Launchpad defending themselves (well Scrooge is with his cane; LP is behind him like the coward that he is) as more groaning and stalking from THE DUCK IN THE IRON MASK. And we get the next logic break as his dress changes from beige to dark brown except for the sleeves. Scrooge blows him off because he doesn't scare him. Scrooge points the cane and then Maurice's voice beckons as it is clearly Count Roy in the iron mask. How obvious can you get?! See what not having Count Ray being voiced by Arte Johnson can do for you? It creates some suspense for this moment. Otherwise; there is nothing and the whole greeting becomes just there to suck. Then again; I should expect nothing less from Don Glut. LP isn't buying this and neither is Scrooge; until Scrooge asks him to do the SECRET HANDSHAKE OF DEATH. So they shake hands and bounce their asses together and that's enough for Scrooge to see him as Count Roy as they try to have a bonding moment; but the iron beak in the mask nails Scrooge right in the kisser. HAHA! That's the second funny spot of the episode by the way. Scrooge and Roy exchange notes on the situation. See; Ray locked him in the iron mask as Launchpad calls it ugly. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Roy takes it well as Scrooge asks why he didn't mention him before. Roy felt that he was responsible for him being lost as a child. So we logically go to the flashback....
And we head to a castle bridge near the castle as we cut to a meadow as Count Roy and Ray are playing hide and seek. Roy looks around everywhere from the river to the trees and couldn't find him. Of course Ray is hiding up in a tree and the tree branch cracks from the tree and they splash into the river. He is carried away pleading for help as Roy tries to run fast; but his legs aren't strong as Ray is swept out of the kingdom. I know there is some brothers keeper motto in this; but Ray has no one but himself to blame for hiding in a tree with weak branches. See; this is why we have become such a bubble boy world now. And so we cut to inside a dark hallway as Count Ray and Pietro walk in with a torchlight and strangely enough we have another episode that uses the mature lighting the hardcore wants. Are the hardcore THAT depraved or something? Roy explains that Ray came back with Pietro a few years back as we cut to the drawing room where Roy is writing on some scroll with a blue feather as the SHADOWS OF DOOM surround him. Pietro then plops the iron mask on him while Ray looks evil of course. They of course locked him in prison so that no one would know that his place was taken.
And Ray locks it with the golden key which is placed around his neck which we saw earlier. Ray and Pietro leave as Pietro laughs. Roy tries to escape; but the prison door is slammed into his face of course. Scrooge tells him not to hang this on his head as Roy claims that he cannot help that because it's too heavy see. So we go into a hallway as Pietro walks in and the pig muskateer is sleeping on the job as I expected him to. The pig wakes up as Pietro asks if they have been fed and the pig proclaims that they have not. Pietro likes that; which makes him the best heel character by proxy. When a Pete clone is the best character of the episode; you know this episode is in trouble. Pietro opens the eye peeper and the nephews call him a big bully. That is sort of underestimating the thug isn't it guys?! Pietro blows them off because they are only here until they becomes adult and can be put in a real prison. Yeah; how contrived is that?! The eye peeper of doom get closed as Louie proclaims that they need to get out of here and Dewey is good with escape plans. Dewey goes over to the mirror and has a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN in mind as he takes off his stupid outfit and tells the nephews to take off their hats to they look really alike. One problem: The shirt colors are different; it's still not exactly alive which would make this plan work.
So we cut to a shot of the castle AFTER HAPPY HOUR (Read: After dark) as we zoom into the hallway and the pig muskteer snoring on the chair near the door to the guest room. He wakes up and then goes over to the eye peeper of doom and sees the three nephews without hats sitting down on the floor. Now; if these heels were smart they would have ask themselves why Dewey is no longer wearing the silly outfit anymore? They wave as the eye peeper is closed and the nephews run into action as they place three mirrors in front of the door (huh? I didn't see A mirror in the place let alone three; logic break #3 for the episode). Dewey sits in front of the mirrors as Huey and Louie find some rope (from the window) and a fireplace hook as Louie and Huey go to the fireplace with Louie taking a good bump on his back in the process. Louie then makes my day by pointing out the OBVIOUS LOGIC BREAK in the plan and Dewey blows it off because he's been on duty all night and doesn't care what they are wearing. Umm..no; it's because he would be REALLY STUPID. Only less stupid than Count Ray of course. So Huey throws the harpoon rope up the chimney and it latched onto the top of the roof with a thud as the pig musketeer wakes up and of course he goes to the eye peeper and sees three mirrors with Dewey waving at him. Now you would think that the MIRRORS OF VANITY would have given away the fact that there is something wrong with this picture. I mean; the mirrors are CLEARLY seen as such. And of course; the pig buys into it hook, line and sinker. Damn you to hell Don Glut! The harpoon latches onto the top of the chimney as Huey and Louie climb up while Dewey continues to wave and breathe a sigh of relief. Louie wonders how Santa Claus does it. Answer: He doesn't because he is either not real or Satan spelled sideways. Yeah; I went for the cheap shot; so shoot me. This episode is stupid enough as it is. Sadly; Huey backs up into the gargoyle statue and gets scared of it and they bump into each other and fall down the roof as the harpoon manages to latch onto the roof end gargoyle statue (in gold this time). Huey and Louie hang onto the rope as they climb down onto the street.
So we go street level in the village as Louie and Huey practice the fine art of not being seen by anyone (Pietro most of all). They then notice Pietro and his dogperson musketeer coming this way; so they climb into the open window in a house to hide as the dogperson musketeer has the CHEST OF DEMONS with him. Pietro was collecting taxes of course and it's so fun he doesn't mind the night shift. We head inside the room as the nephews pop up and one feels safe; and the other one doesn't. Huey has a match lit (Toon Disney cut alert!) as he is forced to put it out and the room stays lit. That's logic break #5 for the episode as they bump into the green cloak and then into the puppet guy as it comes down towards them much to their horror as the segment ends 15 and a half minutes in. Okay; now this episode is starting to really go south for me.
After the commercial break; Huey and Louie on the front shot grab the cloaks and start beating them up in the most wussiest form possible. They look like they are fighting like girls on that spot. Louie then notices that they are just dummies. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. POW! OUCH! Ummm...Even Huey is calling himself a dummy so you know that was wussy. Huey thinks it's funny; Louie does not which is funny considering that Louie is supposed to be the jokester of this group. I wonder how much source material Don Glut was given when he got this assignment and why it explains his Z-Grade writing skills later on. Huey goes to the conveniently placed CHEST OF DEMONS and proclaims that they will get to the prison tower easier if they dress like Montedumians. Huey grabs a black cape and hat and Louie isn't so sure of this working. So we cut to outside on the streets as Huey and Louie are dressed up as Musketeers; only color coordinated. Okay; I cannot take them seriously as Montedumians in those outfits.
They practice the fine art of not being seen as Huey tells Louie to be quiet near a street corner. We then watch on the far shot as the wood cutter from earlier answers the door and complains about the collecting of taxes since they already did that this week. Pietro calls this tax reform as they now collect two times a week. Oh man; Pietro is just keeping this episode from being a DUD at this point. They call it twice the bother as the tax collectors laugh better than the IRS could. And the IRS wept tears of sorrow. The woodcutter blows off Roy's greed as Pietro corrects him because it's only twice a week see. Pietro laughs and then threatens to lock the wood cutter up with the Duck In The Iron Mask. The woodcutter agrees to pay as he cannot take much more of this while Huey and Louie watch on wondering who would wear an iron mask. Louie calls it having a disguise more so than they do. If only that were true Louie. Pietro and his mate walk away north west and into the alleyway as Huey has the all clear signal and the door is closed. Huey now wants to find Scrooge. The nephews run towards the castle as we logically head back to...
...Inside the prison tower as Launchpad is trying to pop the iron mask from Count Roy but no dice. Scrooge is thinking about a way to get out and get the key from Count Ray which seems a lot more productive than LP's way at this point. Scrooge then goes to the iron barred window and hears the nephews as they are at the bridge. He asks where Dewey is and they tell him that he is still locked in the castle. Louie doesn't know what to do because Dewey has the rescue plans part of the triplets. See; this is why I like Kit: one character, jack of all trades. Simple enough. Scrooge asks them to find something soft so they can land in. And Disney Captions keeps missing dialog again. Scrooge will take care of the iron bar and LP doesn't think that will work. Scrooge proclaims that they can chip through a brick since the cement is old; but Roy proclaims that they need tools to make that work. Scrooge tells him to use his iron beak like a woodpecker. See; if they had bypassed all of this nephew in the guestroom, this spot would still work. But no; we have to do a contrived angle of Dewey being pissed off for looking like Huey and Louie so the MORAL OF THE STORY is met. This shows why Disney's hiring practices got tightened up with TaleSpin. And thank the lord for small favors.
Even if some of the most talented didn't want to work with TaleSpin (and regretted that decision later on; so sezs Jymn Magon.). Roy goes to the brick after feeling his beak and starts chipping away. Launchpad proclaims that it's using your head. Sorry LP; Donald Duck is much better than Count Roy when it comes to using his head. Sadly; it has the side effect of giving Roy a headache as the nephews arrive on a horse and buggy with straw comes along. Considering that I have seen the infamous Hell In The Cell match where Rhakishi was choke slammed 15 feet into a truck filled with sawdust and he escaped injury free; this spot works pretty well. Scrooge and Launchpad dive into the bale of hay as Scrooge calls it as easy as diving into the money bin and Launchpad asks if Scrooge can teach him to do that. Scrooge states no because the LAW OF HEAVY METALS applies only to him and no one else. Unless you count Luck O'The Ducks of course. Roy jumps with great difficulty; but the iron mask causes him to nose dive and crash into the wagon getting him stuck good. HAHA! That's the third funny spot of the episode; nearly 18 and a half minutes in. I take it back; Roy has surpassed Donald is using his head. Scrooge tells Huey to race the horses to the castle and the shadow horse buggy rides stage left.
So we logically head to the entrance of the castle as the babyfaces practice the fine art of not being seen. And then we cut back to the ultra moronic and ultra contrived hallway as the pig furry wakes up and checks the eye peeper again only to see three mirrors of Dewey's image waving at him. Count Ray deserves what he is ultimately going to get for his moronic decision to please Disney's hell bent rules to protect the nephews. He is THAT dumb. He is very stupid. And no one has learned anything. Which is apporos for such a pointless episode and song. The pig closes the eye peeper and tries to go back to sleep but the moan beckons and he is scared as the DUCK IN THE IRON MASK stalks towards him. The pig furry runs away which makes ZERO SENSE (I thought he was part of Pietro's army?) unless he was PART of Count Roy's court and was deceived as the rest of the villagers. Scrooge and Launchpad follow and he opens the eye peeper as Launchpad sees the images and cracks his usual cute comment on the situation. So we head into the throne room which so happens to gain a square table and chairs despite not existing in the room earlier in the episode. Lord; please take me now! This joke of an episode was nice for a while; now it's time to mercy kill it.
We zoom in as we see Count Ray sleeping in his throne chair (fatal mistake #3 for Ray I should note) as Roy is behind the curtains and then gets behind the chair and tries to grab the golden key; but the lights come on and Pietro orders Ray to awake at once. Pietro just will not let this episode die a DUD death; and I admire him for doing so. Roy has the key though as Ray wakes up and Pietro and his merry musketeers are ready with golden epees in tow. Roy gets onto Ray's lap and Ray blows him off. Roy bails stage left and rips the curtain and bowls over Launchpad and Scrooge as Pietro orders them knaves to surrender. Ray gets his epee as the adult babyfaces back into the corner while the heels advance and then here come the nephews as they throw golden epees to the babyfaces. Oh; that wasn't contrived in the very least; no siree. And Dewey is now wearing that silly outfit. Scrooge and Count Roy grab the epees without any problems; but Launchpad's handling is very poor that I'm shocked that he didn't cut himself on the way down. At least he's honest about his lack of swordsmanship. So we have two minutes left in the episode and it cannot get any worse than this. At least I hope that is the case. Then they clash swords together as....
Scrooge: All for one.
Roy: And one for all....
Launchpad: And four against three!
Okay; that one is pretty funny as Ray jumps from the chair and it's En Grade time! Roy Vs. Ray; Scrooge Vs. Pietro and Launchpad Vs. tax collector and dumb pig guard in a handicap match. It's always the funny one that gets the deck stacked against him. Launchpad is hanging in there though and I'm as shocked as you are. More from Pietro and Scrooge as Scrooge pops the hat and Scrooge puts hat back on. I say Dale is better in this since his episode was awesome and this one is not. Pietro calls Scrooge very good and Scrooge reminds him that he learned from the best. Scrooge blows him off and jumps onto the table (I just knew that logic break would get involved somehow) as Scrooge dodges backwards and Pietro destroys some innocent candles on a candlestick in the process. Scrooge hides behind the throne and Pietro buzz cuts it for a while. Scrooge places his top hat on the golden epee and waves it from the top. Pietro pierces the hat which is the opening Scrooge needs as he uses the cane (how does that work?) and trips Pietro off his feet. Okay; that was a pretty neat spot. Pietro flies back and crashes into the table and chairs...and the table breaks! IT'S A MIRACLE! We have our first table spot in entertainment. Take that EC-DUB!
So we finally cut to Roy and Ray duking it out towards the throne chair (the real blue one of course; not the fake red one Don Glut tried to convince me as) and Ray looks to be fading. The epee flings from Ray's hand as he drops into the chair and Ray surrenders like the coward, baby and wuss that he is. Roy uses the golden epee and takes the golden key from his neck. So it's Launchpad VS. The dumb henchmen of doom as LP is still hanging on though. I thought he would lose this easily at this point. We then get a shot of the nephews as Dewey gives the signal and Huey and Louie grab the big ass ax and they chop the rope which so happens to contain the chandelier and it drops onto the heels. Okay; that was lame, although it was probably needed to redeem Dewey in the writer's eyes. I thought his contrived plan to escape was the redeeming factor? Launchpad thanks them as the nephews salute him. So we cut to Roy taking the key and unlocking the padlock and taking the mask off and he looks really handsome in spite of the dust in the face. At least it doesn't look like a blackface; or there would be hell to pay for Don Glut. And as I suspected; the little mustache is the difference along with the voice. Roy is glad to get out of that mask as Launchpad pretty much sums it up for me as Scrooge cheers for victory. Good; because that means we are going to get a proper ending instead of a CDS ending. So we logically go to....
….the village gates as Count Roy is back to normal as he blows off his evil brother (yeah right? Pietro's the REAL EVIL ONE in this episode) as he tells him never to return; or he becomes the Duck In The Iron Pants. Ummm; why not just put him in their as punishment?! I know Roy is supposed to be fair; but Ray put him into the mask; so Roy should wear the iron pants. Fair is fair right?! Besides; it's still less painful than wearing....The Onion Sanbramo All...Day...Long...Senor... Ray walks away in shame and I think this is just plain lame as an ending. Scrooge hears some clinking sounds as we see the dogsperson musketeer bring back the tax payers money to the tax payers from the CHEST OF DEMONS in town. Scrooge claims it's making him homesick. I don't blame him; this episode is making me sicker than I already am.
We then see a shot of the L-11 helicopter as Roy tells Scrooge that he filled the helicopter with treasure to make a nice profit from it. See; he is being really generous here as Launchpad gets into the plane. So we go to the scene changer as the helicopter rises into the air BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) as we head inside the passenger area as the nephews thank Dewey for the contrived escape plan. Which wouldn't have been needed if Ray wasn't such an idiot and Dewey wasn't so thin skinned. Dewey thanks them and thinks the costumes are great. They clash swords and cut a Three Musketeers promo as Louie proclaims that Dewey is one of a kind. You wish Louie; you wish. Dewey agrees with them and more as the helicopter flies northwest to mercifully end the episode at 21:14. This episode was a lot more fun to mock than the episode being fun itself. Pietro carried the whole episode kicking and screaming though. Call it * ¾ (35%) because hell; I feel generous. And a hearty good luck to your future as a Grade Z film writer Don Glut.
THE REVIEW LINE
Normally; I would explain the whole episode in a nutshell; but I cannot explain why this episode was ever created. The whole Dewey is mad because he looks like his nephews just came out of nowhere because they seemed to have no issue with it beforehand. This sounded like a response to movie critic Roger Ebert than anything else that could have been entertaining. Count Ray was a complete moron and I knew it was him the very moment I saw him instead of Count Roy due to his taller mustache and Arte Johnson voice. Couldn't it hurt to hire Maurice as Count Ray and make the scene with Count Roy and Scrooge in the prison tower be more memoriable and make me care about it? And why protect the nephews by putting them in a guest room? It only led to a plan by Dewey that broke logic (and they admitted that it was a break which makes it worse) with the mirrors (like nothing was going on when the mirrors were in clear view right?) and it just made the episode go on and on. This all killed Count Ray's heat right out of the starting gate.
And personally; I wanted to see Ray get the iron pants and Roy was too much of a bouncing babyface to do it. He didn't have to put him in prison. Just make him wear the pants. That would have fitting. I don't know if that is a BS&P decision; or Glut is a total idiot. On the other hand; Pietro saved this episode from DUD/Negative Star status as he proved to be a really good slimy heel. Count Roy was actually fine as well as Scrooge and Launchpad. Also; despite the stupidity; there were not a lot of logic breaks and the animation was dead on which is a plus for Wang Films. Overall; this episode was a tale of two extremes; terrible premise, solid story, terrible punishment, good finish, lame ending. And that hurt any chance for this episode to be even average as the whole Dewey angle was causing problems for me to accept as a viewer. So next up is a much better episode: The Uncrashable Hindentanic and then The Status Seekers and Nothing to Fear to end disc one. So....
Thumbs down for this episode and I'll see you next time.
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