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All's Fahrenheit In Love & War
This rant is best served at Absolute Zero!!
Welcome back kiddies to the second volume of everyone's infamous REALLY STUPID mallard who is full of himself: DARKWING...DUCK!! So; we are back to ranting on full episodes like most of the DTVA series not named Winnie The Pooh or Gummi Bears. Hopefully; this next volume will bring more giggles than the last 27 episodes because lord knows if I can take much more of the COMEDY BABEE in the place of real comedy if you know what I mean. This first episode represents the first season change in the series and another female villain who apparently is part of the Vander race of characters. This should be fun...for me to mock...
The episode is written by Eric Lewald and Dev Ross while the story is edited by Kevin “Crosby” Hopps. You know; after nearly 18 episodes worth of Sun Woo episodes; you would think that we would stop seeing them in this volume; but this one is a Sun Woo animated episode as well. This is a bad sign right off the bat.
We begin with the SNOWY STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM in an attempt to hide the fact that they are using the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM. It fails worse than XBOX 360 in Japan. We go to the close up shot of the wintry night in the CITY OF SAINT CANARD and of course the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM beckons because we all knows that Ducks Rulez and Bears Suckz right?! No wonder I enjoyed TaleSpin so much 14 years after seeing it. Drake and Launchpad (as per in his contract) walk into the snow which is above Drake's head which is quite apporos given that this is his line of work. Drake asks the fowl question of letting the crappy weather get to him; and of course the answer is yes while cutting a promo on how much he hates snow. Mike LeRue would be proud of that spot. Drake hating something that buries him; what a shock?! He then states that he is wearing fake fur. If that isn't admitting to being politically correct, I don't know what is?! I mean; should I really care about his purple fake fur coat anyway?
I'm beginning to believe Drake Mallard is either a homosexual or a bisexual – which there is nothing wrong in being so. But; his full of himself promos and stupid antics are not exactly the type of role model I would want to cling on to at this point. Drake wants answers as to why they are out at night in a snowstorm and LP answers that there is nothing good on television. These two goofs need a Wii...seriously. Sadly; they are going to have to wait another 20 years before getting a chance to have one...and that includes the amount of time waiting for the Wii not to sell out in 12 hours after they are shipped. Sadly; the snow gets heavy and buries Drake and Launchpad together in a snowbank...and it STILL cannot stop Drake from becoming full of himself. Drake wants a vacation. Personally; I should have one to get away from this REALLY STUPID mallard; but I already did the Gummi Bears rant to do a vacation from this clown so I must go on.
Drake leaves the snowbank with the luggage because he wants to leave and even agrees to take Launchpad with him (I think). However; the police car manages to speed by despite there being so much snow that the wheels in real life would skid stuck in the five feet or so of snow. Logic Break #1 for the episode and of course Drake decides to screw me by following it to solve the case. We head to the National Bank of Saint Canard because..say with me...you need about a dozen bank robbery episodes in order to be a true hero. It sezs so in Drake's contract with Michael Eisner that I got from the Smearinggun.com website. The police car is there and apparently; the snow has stopped and is only about two inches this time around. Man; the weather here is as bad as Cape Suzette is and Cape Suzette only had one day of snow which was during Jolly Molly Christmas. Drake and Launchpad are disguised as a four legged snowman. Okay; that is different.
They enter as two police officers are talking to the security guard who states that he was on it like a hawk and no one could get into the bank vault on his watch. So the FOUR LEGGED SNOWMAN OF DOOM enters the bank vault without any trouble despite the security guard standing in a position where he could easily SEE the babyfaces entering. SOMEONE FIRE THAT GUARD! Or get his eyes checked. Drake and LP enter inside and shake off the excess snow like a bunch of dogs and it's magnifying glass time. Because it wouldn't be Drake Full Of Himself Mallard without it of course. He hopes to solve this crime fast so he can go on vacation. Sadly; there is no evidence of foul play or fingerprints as he checks around. Drake claims that this would be a tad hard to solve. With Drake around; crimes are ALWAYS a tad harder to solve. LP whines that this could kill their vacation much to my disgust; but Drake proclaims that they'll solve this crime so fast that the criminals would be caught before they committed it. Now we know who created the devices for the movie Minority Report after Drake Mallard retires. This is also from SmearingGun.com I should note.
We now head to the DOLLAR BUILDING OF DEATH which is pink in color complete with a Dollar Sign which would become the staple of all bad smearing of multi-national compaines (IE: Micro$oft and $ony) and the amount of snow seems to be decreasing by the second. Is this the infamous MINUS SNOWSTORM OF DOOM that was talked about on SmearingGun.com; or is it just me? And Drake & Launchpad is in the overkill locked gold bank vault whining that after 23 straight days of crime solving there is no leads; let alone a criminal. I'll take one guess: The MINUS SNOWSTORM OF DOOM is stealing the gold. Launchpad asks DW on why he knows that this is the bank that is going to be robbed and Drake of course cuts his full of himself promo before proclaiming that it's the last bank to be robbed. Nice logic gathering there Drake! Too bad the other banks had to be sacrificed for that said logic. Did they have a choice in the matter?
Drake goes to the gold fort to grab his luggage (since he needs it at a moments notice to get that vacation that Michael Eisner promised if the ratings would go higher than TaleSpin at any point during the 1991 season) and sets up the inflatable lawn chair (complete with fake palm tree). Drake sits down and introduces LP to the TOURIST TRAPS OF TRAPS (as in the RIP OFF DEAL OF DEATH) and we get our reference of Club Med from Launchpad called Club Web. I was hoping for Club Wed which I heard also does homosexual marriages. Launchpad's voice sounds odd when he's doing the disco spot as Drake decides to do a practice run of his vacation complete with the SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT which is apporos since it's pretty much nighttime in Saint Canard. And when in doubt violate ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 while trying to sleep as he proclaims that he can hear the sound of sizzling sunscreen.
As Drake is nodding off the job (as usual) the floor is sizzling and a small hole is made...and out come the fire fly army they make it to the opposite wall. Launchpad notices this as a real bug problem and tries to inform DARKWING...DUCK but DARKWING ...DUCK doesn't want to hear it. Yeah; because he's REALLY STUPID see?! And somehow the heat of the fire fly army is melting the fake palm tree which was clearly made of cheap plastic. I guess even flies are now taking steroids; or those were the first experimental fire flies that Larson and Gary used to test the roids..and this is their revenge since Bushroot MURDERED Larson and Gary in Beauty & The Beet. The beach ball explodes of course which finally wakes up Drake so Drake comes over with the TOURIST TRAPS OF TRAPS to bash those bugs good; but the bugs set it on fire thus living up to at least half of it's name. Drake throws it down and stamps his foot to put it out. Amazingly enough; his foot doesn't catch on fire. Launchpad helpfully calls them fire bugs.
The Fire Bug Army then touches the wall and it turns red and of course Drake and Launchpad scatter while doing a really lame hot feet spot to really annoy me. All the plastic melts as the safety of the plastic lawn chair is proven to be unsafe for Drake's feet. Drake and Launchpad go up the gold fort as their feet get cooled off. However; that is not a safe place as the gold melts down into the hole in the floor. One small problem: For that to work; the temperature must be over 1000 degrees which would kill our heroes and the fire flies within seconds. Logic Break #2 for the episode. Drake and Launchpad hold onto the lamp to prevent any further scarring from their feet and the fire flies escape the way they came in. Sadly; they do not plug the hole and that's logic break #3 for the episode. Although that one doesn't matter since Drake has them BUSTED now. Drake and Launchpad drop onto the floor which instantly cools down to normal levels within seconds. Logic Break #4 for the episode. Drake then goes into his SACK OF TRICKS and reveals the jackhammer which I bet he stole from Gosalyn after Bearskin Thug. And when in doubt cut a full of yourself promo while showing said jackhammer.
Launchpad wonders if that is such a good idea and Drake blows him off while doing the lame jackhammer spot to annoy me. Of course it does nothing..for about three seconds as the cement floor manages to break and Launchpad and Drake fall into the sewers with no bump whatsoever. I knew this was going to happen before I ever typed it. Drake and Launchpad follow the trail of melted gold in the water (How does that work?) but a red shirt fire bug (It's a college reference for those who don't know) spots them and flies away to the commander of the fire bugs who is leading the charge of firebugs carrying a large gray kettle of melted gold. Because a black kettle would hit way too close to home; right Shawn Michaels?! He uses his high pitched buzzing to inform the commander and the commander orders the firebugs to put the gray kettle down gently and the firebugs sell on cue. At least the firebugs are providing what little entertainment there has been in this episode. We get the cute bugle promo and then the firebugs proceed to charge after our heroes as they follow the trail of water mixed with melted gold. It looks more like badly made honey than gold at this point as Drake claims to be close because he hears the buzzing. Lauchpad of course is less stupid than Drake and actually sees them charging straight at our heroes.
Drake orders them to stop and they stop because when the LEGAL HAND OF GOD shows up; you obey it BABEE! Drake grabs a lead pipe from the sewer lines as he shows Scott Steiner the improper way to use it. No wonder WCW used a foam lead pipe. Drake tell them to be like flies and get squished; so the flies counter Drake's really bad swinging by heating the end of the pipe which in the end forces Drake to release lest he suffers three degree burns from the roided fire flies. The commander fire fly buzzes to the ceiling and basically cuts a large hole of bricks with his fire making butt on top of our heroes. The awesome force of a FIRE FLY is enough to distract our REALLY STUPID heroes into taking a nasty bump right on the PIZZA BRICK OF DEATH. Finally; a funny spot about five and a half minutes in. I suspect a long episode to follow here. The fire bugs escape through the hole and then we cut to outside as the head of a snowman gets beheaded and rolls down the streets with absolutely no context whatsoever. Launchpad helps Drake out of the PIZZA BRICK OF DEATH as he blows off the fire bugs for making him look even more stupid than he usually is. Drake and Launchpad decide to follow the melting gold again to get out of there. However; the giant snowball which was made by the firebugs rolls to the hole which has basically been reduced to an 1/8 of it's original size. What did you expect from Sun Woo? CONTINUITY?! And since firebugs would melt snow easily just by their mere presence; I'm calling Logic Break #5 right there.
They managed to grab the snowball from underneath without any logic or reasoning whatsoever (Who do they think they are; fire ants?!) and fly into the air. Must be those unsafe steroids; there is no other explanation. And then they drop the snowball down the hole which happened to regain it's original size from earlier in the episode. At least it's Sun Woo doing it and not WD-OZ doing it; or I would be really ticked off now. Drake and Launchpad go deeper into the sewers and it's freezing down there. Well; that's because there are no roided firebugs down there to heat things up. Then again; that's the symbolism of Drake's heat right there too. My head hurts. LP is complaining about the cold and Drake tells him to think warm thoughts. Yeah; that worked as well as thinking happy thoughts when you are sad. If it worked; I might not have a mental illness. Thankfully; the giant snowball rolls down the sewer to begin some much needed entertainment because Drake is still REALLY STUPID (you know why). Drake and Launchpad run away complete with Hanna Barbera looping animation effect. All we need is the Hanna Barbera running sound effect and then we know that we are watching a classic. Drake runs into a hallway which has a torch. Now there's a CONTINUITY ERROR if I ever saw one.
A freakin torch in the 1990's?! WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?! (To quote Patrick Star in the only quote that didn't make him look like a moron.) And our heroes pick the doorway with the torch beside it of course. The snowball picks the right pathway next to it..and the chase is back on BABEE! This is getting silly now and the main villain hasn't even joined us yet. Drake and Launchpad play divide and target as they split into two directions. I bet the snowball goes after Drake as Drake runs into a tunnel. And I'm proven wrong as it's chasing Launchpad instead. WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?! Launchpad runs into another tunnel as we cut to Drake returning to the hallway with the flaming torch. 2:1 odds that the torch will be used within the next two minutes of this episode. And now Logic Break #6 beckons as Drake is now being chasing by the giant snowball which somehow managed to maintain it's size and shape while rolling in a compressed pipe. Drake runs into another tunnel as we see Launchpad come out of another tunnel breathing heavily...and he comes dangerously close to having an organism here. He sees Drake being chased by the giant snowball as it comes out of various tunnels as Drake runs past Launchpad and the chase is back on BABEE!
Now logically; Drake should grab the torch and melt the snowball with it; but as we know Drake is REALLY STUPID. Plus; the writers are padding time since interactions are deadly in COMEDY BABY! Drake and Launchpad reach the dead end which is a boarded up exit to a tunnel. Death Reference #1 from Drake comes up so that the death reference batting average is just over the Madoza line. However; Drake sees his saving grace which should be that flaming torch as he cuts his usual full of himself promo. However; Drake takes out his grappling gun and fires it at a large pipe and carries Launchpad and Drake above the snowball as it crashes into the boarded up exit. DAMN YOU ERIC LEWALD?! That flaming torch was just DYING to be used and you ignored it?! And Sun Woo ignores CONTINUITY again by making the sewers look like a bank there as Launchpad and Drake escape through the tunnel much to the protestations of Launchpad of course. Drake nicely blows him off because it's warm of course. I don't like where this is going...
We now head to the GOLD BRICKING HELLHOLE OF DEATH as Launchpad goes to his MAP OF NOWHERE and of course doesn't find it on the map. Drake doesn't care as he warms his hands above a heated gold bath. Then the ultra ugly SINGING SOUND OF PAIN beckons as Drake and Launchpad go over to see the uglist woman in the history of SAINT CANARD taking a steam gold bath in a bigger hole of melted gold. She is Isis Vanderchill; a blue ice mallard who is fat, out of shape and downright annoying to the senses..both in sight and in hearing. She's fully clothed; making the DIC guys from Sailor Moon look like perverts in comparison. Even the High Marshall shows a lot more skin than this. And her brain is completely damaged because there aren't any bubbles in that gold you ugly sour heart. Drake and Launchpad are SHOCKED and APPALLED (in that order...and who could blame them?) as Isis gets out of the gold bath and dries off. And somehow manages to commit Logic Break #7 for the episode and all of them in the first act alone because she doesn't melt at all.
Drake interrupts Isis's blissful bath like the rude REALLY STUPID duck that he is and she yelps really badly on cue. This is going to be painful to watch I sweat to God. And I do mean sweat. Drake wants to ask questions and Isis is game to answer as she calls him a handsome hunk of a duck. Seeing a bad villain violate ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 is just asking for trouble Eric. Well; she is right about Drake being handsome; I'll give her that much. Isis wants to change first though because somehow that makes her slightly more ugly I guess. The brain damage on her is obvious because she claims that it is chilly...in a HELLHOLE! She is even more stupid and full of herself than Drake is; if that's possible. She goes behind a rock to change as Drake and Launchpad just stand there and shrug at all the crap that has happened in this episode thus far. She puts on her blue ice coat which rendered the previous spot absolutely pointless. Nice going sour heart! Drake and Launchpad introduce themselves as Isis introduces herself and shakes LP's hand which freezes right on contact. If she wanted to be funny; shake Drake's hand. You are seeing an example of how Eric Lewald is dogging it.
She likes being called Icy. I like calling her Suck myself. Drake stutters to call her Miss Chill and asks if she saw some insidious insects fly this way. They go into the old id spot which ends with the unfunny result of Isis claiming that she NEVER saw them. She detests bugs; but loves mallards. Oh boy! These two were meant for each other and my pain is their gain. See I can violate ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 and still be funnier than the Burger King guy doing dangerous stunts ala Kit Cloudkicker. She wants a kiss; but Drake refuses as he pushes Isis away with no success whatsoever. Nice animation of the ice hearts melting from Sun Woo which is the best thing they have done for this episode I should note. Drake and Launchpad scatter (because being in love with a female ice duck is wrong so sezs the new ads for Wendy's) as Isis pushes the conveniently placed white button) which force Drake and LP to stop due to the HELLFIRE GATE OF DEATH. We might as well be in hell; just like this episode is becoming right now. I'll explain more why this episode sucks in the Review Line. And now you know you are watching a classic because the Hanna Barbera Running Sound Effect finally reveals itself. Drake and Launchpad are trapped in the HELLFIRE GATES OF DEATH which ends the segment almost 11 minutes in. I smell the burning desire of seeing our first negative star episode in DTVA history.
After the commercial break; we see Drake doing his dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM just to cut a full of himself promo again; only I don't mind it as much this time around when Ms. Chill is around if you catch my drift. They run away from the flames and then the lame running sequence ends with another fire gate to stop our warm-blooded mallards. Nice whipping animation from Sun Woo though. Launchpad grabs Drake and runs away stage left. Nice to see Drake Mallard thanking LP; lest we see Drake blow him off if he doesn't. The flame keep whipping around as Drake and LP run away again only to be surrounded by flames again. Can you smell the ultimate logic break here; or do I have to spell it out in the Review Line?! They run some more thinking that they are safe from the WRAITH OF ISIS; only to take a pretty decent bump right into Isis's fat rump of an ice belly. Bad sound effect there guys; since it should sound like a bump rather than a spring. Isis grabs Drake's head and it freezes right on contact just to break logic to no end even more. This is getting REALLY STUPID Eric!
See; Isis wants to date Drake for some odd reason which is never really explained to my personal approval. Isis wants a hug so Drake melts the ice and blows her off. Good for you Drake; about time you did that. Launchpad tries to warn Drake to rephrase his speech as Drake blows her off for frying him and freezing him. So now Drake believes that she is behind the fire bugs incident?! Well; the golden bubble bath scene in this episode pretty much gave her guilt away in advance now didn't it?! Isis takes exception of that and bawls her eyes out so bad that even the nephews of Ducktales couldn't made it any more contrived than that. Drake asks the stupid question that is on everyone's mind and Launchpad answers that it's probably the mask. Perhaps Drake should wear the MASK OF VULCAN instead. I hear that it's good for repelling just about anything; including strong Hercules-like roided beings. Then Isis cuts her promo about being the Ice Queen of Saint Canard. If she was the Ice Queen than no wonder she got fired from that job. She even does the whirlwind spot to annoy me and Drake as even he doesn't want to deal with it either. Well; we agree with something in this episode at last. Drake pushes Launchpad away as Isis pushes on the conveniently placed gray buttons (Can that spot be anymore canned at this point?) and that allows Drake to be buried under some freezing snow. Isis then clears her throat and sadly; Gosalyn isn't there to “burnicate” her with her flame thrower from When Aliens Collide.
See; Isis was a former regular mallard who just happened to own the VanderChill Ice Factory right above Drake's REALLY STUPID little pinhead. She is young and vain and somehow sucks at both as she decided to freeze her face to keep her age. I don't think I need to explain what happened to her since the mirror she grabs basically shatters on cue because that is what bad beauty tips do to you. Drake actually approves of her decision in as humble of a way that Drake would allow. She is known frozen blooded (GET IT?!) and cannot keep warm which is why she went to hell to give her the best chance of keeping warm while creating a flame from the ground to prove her point. And somehow this episode wasn't banned?! The flames turn into ice which is Logic Break #8 for the episode because it's freaking hot in here Eric Lewald!! Isis goes to the UNDERGROUND OVEN OF DOOM (the small edition) and takes out some hot coals from there. Drake blows her off in a semi nice way as Isis eats some hot coals which do nothing to help her state. She offer some broiled briquette (dry hardened coil for use in a BBQ for those who don't know) and Drake refuses by shaking his head.
Isis shrugs her shoulders and continues eating them for herself. Geez; Eric isn't even game for Drake to be an international object in this episode which pretty much ends any hope for this episode to even be average at this point. Isis is thinking which is a really bad sign in itself and decides that she'll help find those big bad fire bugs they are looking for while blowing smoke in Drake's kisser. This would be an TV-MA episode if the anti-smoking groups have their way I should point out; but this is unrated so it's okay and they are screwed. See; she knows every nook and cranny in this cavern. Oh great; she's a babyface now. Remember what I said about Barney making an episode stink? Isis shows how to do it even worse than he EVER could. Isis makes a deal with Drake and Drake sees this as a good idea since he wants to solve this case fast so he can go on vacation. Launchpad doesn't like the idea so Isis butts in and bounces Launchpad completely off-screen with her butt.
Again; no good bump if any is present. Isis calls this a date. I call this Frozen Hell in Hell; but Disney censors won't allow that so the pain must continue for me. Logic Break #9 rears its ugly head as Isis grabs Drake's arm and it doesn't freeze at all. Drake struggles as he wants to find those firebugs while grabbing his gay Zorro hat. Isis believes in not rushing into things...because she's designed to give me the brain freeze headache even though I'm not downing a slurpee. Isis drags Drake into the ELEVATOR FROM HELL as she wants to get to know him. Launchpad tries to stop them; but Isis shuts the door and Launchpad takes a MAN-SIZED bump into the rock door. And that's the second spot that entertained me in this episode I should point out...and we're 13 and a half minutes into this episode.
We head to the cafe as everyone is freezing including the waiter carrying some tea who is wearing blue boots to try to act cool. It fails of course as he walks onto the snowbank as we see Isis having a gazpacho with a shivering Drake Mallard. Okay; that spot was pretty funny and it's the only real scene that has made ANY SENSE in this episode. It's snowing as Isis calls this romantic. Drake tries to eat his soup; but it freezes on contact. Must be that cold version James Barber invented in the Lemons episode. Drake decides to not eat and talk about the criminal firebugs again while stammering around with his frozen soup. Isis grabs Drake's beak and freezes his head again; showing just how bad Sunwoo's CONTINUITY CHECKERS really are. She's now lusting over Drake's beak...Well; she is also full of herself so that is actually apporos. Drake shakes off the ice and wants to talk about bugs and Isis blows him off because the night is still young and she wants to ski as Logic Break #10 arrives since the pink ski's magically show up without any context or logic sense whatsoever. Eric Lewald is literally dogging this one up and it shows...and I cannot believe Dev Ross would stoop to such lows either. We do some ski jumping as Isis grabs Drake for her fun and for mine and Drake's pain of course.
Isis skis right out of the cafe as we head to hell where Launchpad is banging on the elevator door to open because he's getting a fever. However; no dice, so Launchpad is forced to use the stairs which are just as contrived and forced as this entire episode has become. 2:1 odds that Isis comes down with Drake on the pink skis down the steps and nails Launchpad in the process with wussy bumps all around. And I'm wrong again as Launchpad decides to push the buttons and his butt catches on fire and he races up the spiral staircase lamely selling the fire butt. UGH! That spot is REALLY STUPID! So we cut to the cinema as Isis and Drake are catching dinner and a movie which was a popular thing to do back then even if it was with WTBS. Sadly; it died when the chefs turned to the New Word Order (because OpenOffice keeps changing the damn aconymn) and got beaten up by Diamond Dallas Page. Drake is in brain freeze mode at this point as Isis asks the question of asking for more and Drake wants to deal with those firebugs. Death reference #2 beckons from Drake as Isis's sucking powers are completely felt by everyone including the people doing the movie despite not really being there. Okay; that was pretty funny and it MADE SENSE sort of.
We cut to inside a hallway as we have GOOFY SIDEKICK ON FIRE!! Launchpad sits on an ice block to end that contrived spot..and thank Isis for small favors for a change. Launchpad realizes that he is in Isis's Ice Factory and decides to look around for a microwavable snack. He opens the DOOR OF ICY DOOM and sees some kettles of melted gold and then shuts the door seeing nothing..However; LP gets the LIGHTBLUB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and sees the melted gold kettles. Which is codeword meaning Isis is a heel; and that's a good thing thank you very much. Launchpad wants to tell DW; but the firebug buzzing comes back to haunt Launchpad as he turns around to see that the fire bugs are ready to sic on LP. So we cut back to the boiler room as Isis asks him if this is warm enough for Drake and we see Drake in his underwear which makes him so gay at this point that it isn't funny. He is sweating like a maniac as he tries some French to attempt to get American French speaking people to watch this show. It fails of course as Isis tells him to relax. Yeah; try to relax listening to this lame heel. Mr. Freeze she isn't. She then gives Drake a refreshing cup of steam which would be fine in Thembria; but it sucks in this cartoon. Drake turns to the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS (the full body edition) and rockets up taking a really good bump into the ceiling which breaks on contact. It took nearly sixteen minutes before they finally made Drake into an international object.
And here comes Red Shirt Firebug muttering to Isis to assure us that she is the heel. He sezs his peace and Isis tells him to leave. Oh; and he got matching hat and shoes; how cute?! Drake falls down as Red Shirt Firebug leaves and we get the old land on you feet spot that Donald Duck perfected in the Woodcutting episode against Chip & Dale. I mentioned it since Disney censors edited the finish to remove the exploding house at the end. Drake version was okay actually as he falls on his back against the cracking cement. Nice bump there too as Isis is glad to see him again. And Logic Break #10 happens as Isis grabs Drake's arm and doesn't freeze him to death. Drake is dragged on the ground as Isis decides to help him find those firebugs now. So this logically leads to....A Self Storage place (which Logic Break #11 happens because there is absolutely no snow in the area at all) as we cut to Isis and the Firebugs telling Drake and Launchpad to stay frosty as they are frozen in an giant ice cube up to their shoulders. Launchpad ruined her and she actually gets off the frozen assets line because it makes her so sexy...NOT!!
The Firebugs all carry out the kettles of melted gold out the door as Drake is awaiting for Isis to reveal the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT ala Water Way To Go (the Drake one; not the Gusto one because Gusto is MURDERING Drake in character at this point.) and Isis blows him off because this is not a cheap cartoon. She then turns on the snow blower and calls her crime a needed evil and Drake blows that off while eating snow. Isis call that really cute as she leaves feeling like her heart is melting rather than freezing as it should be. LP and Drake are at the mercy of the snow blower as Drake asks for an ice pick to end the segment almost 17 minutes in. Why not ask Sub-Zero or Glacier since they are basically the same character and quite frankly; the rating are going almost sub-zero at this point.
After the commercial break; we now get the DRAMATIC MUSIC OF DEATH as Launchpad proclaims that Drake is going to have to think fast as Drake is buried under snow again. If only it was forever. Drake blows Launchpad off because they thought too fast because he wanted to go on vacation and therefore they won't rush anymore. Huh?! That was the moral of this episode? I though the moral was: Writers from TaleSpin really do suck without an awesome premise to prop themselves up. So Drake sneezes right on cue which allows the ice block to push back and smash right into the wall with a real good bump which turns the ice into ice cubes. Well; at least most of the bumps are okay this time. Drake calls sneezing a bigger virtue than patience. I don't understand why redeeming yourself is such a poison in comedy; but what do I know about comedy?! Launchpad is Happy and tries to escape the episode quickly (geez; even LP knows that this episodes truly sucks); but Drake stops him because they are going to be patient. Because patience involves being full of yourself right Drake?! Drake turns off the snow blower (what a stupid death trap that was?) and then Logic Break #12 (and the last one I'm mentioning in this rant) rears it's ugly head as the fur coats are hanging on the hook despite the fact that Drake and Launchpad haven't been wearing them since they got to the National Bank of Saint Canard in the beginning of the episode!! UGH ... UGH ... UGHHHHHHHHH!
Drake does his DREADED VOICEOVER OF DOOM just to mock me even more. Drake and Launchpad head outside while Drake tries to cut his dangerous promo and it's HOTTER THAN HELL! Finally; a funny spot for a change. Drake and Launchpad are sweating as is a yodeling dogsperson who has full clothing and then has to strip off about forty layers of clothes off-screen in order to beat the best. Why bother off-screen? Baloo and Cubbi stripped on-screen and they were naked. This dogsperson is in his shorts and white undershirt and not naked. Man; Disney is tightening up its content here despite the fact that they are loosening their grips in other areas. As the Crazy song from Simple Plan sezs (and there's a band I hate with a passion): It doesn't make sense to me. Everyone strips (on-screen I might add) except for the Fat Lady as Launchpad looks at the MAP OF NOWHERE talking about starting his tan. Drake rightfully blows it off because this heat wave is going to fry Saint Canard to a crisp. And so we head to the middle of the city as the firebugs are putting the melted gold into a device which looks like a glorified fire hose as Isis enters from the right to finally tells us the MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN and thus rendering her speech on being a cheap cartoon pointless. See she's trying to keep warm all year long; so she's going to plate the city in gold to keep the heat in. Of course; that will MURDER everyone else; but that's the breaks according to her. Now that's a plan. Hey; if I die then I'll never see her again and then I can actually live my life six feet under in the ground which would be a lot better than this. And of course; her fun (and my pain) is ruined (and made better) by the dreaded (for me the heavenly) VOICEOVER OF DOOM at 18:39:
Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the number 90 sunblock that will stop your burn!
Now that's a quality promo. Too bad it took nearly 19 minutes for it to happen you REALLY STUPID mallard. And Drake arrives complete with smoke (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH AND MOVIE RATING!) with the full cape pose. Sadly; the heat is getting to him and he's screwed. Isis loves Drake's reappearing from his frozen grave (as if the Self Storage barn would have kept him frozen even with the plated gold plan) and calls her clever. Brain freeze damage; it always happens. Isis reveals her plan to Drake just to make the whole cheap cartoon spot even more pointless. If she only said that she didn't have the time to tell him; then the moral would have made more sense in the long run; but Eric Lewald and Dev Ross clearly had a deadline and it was only less than two hours it seems. Which is less than than I spent on an average episode rant. Launchpad enters and Drake takes out his gas gun to make her suck gas; but it is cheap metal and it melts right on cue. Drake hates it when THAT happens because you know that you are screwed when THAT happens. Drake manages to adjust the gas gun and tells her to freeze. Umm; Drake...you mean “Suck Gas Evildoer”?! Or is Drake intentionally trying to make DTVA have it's first negative star episode in history?!
Isis blows him off of course as she grabs the fire hose and Drake gets off Death Reference #3 and then realizes that he just said something offensive (well to .00000000004% of the total population of HRM anyway.) and the MELTED GOLDEN SHOWERBOY OF PAIN (Now THAT'S OFFENSIVE!) kills Drake's gas gun to death. Drake wants to talk this over and Isis comes over and hugs him like he's her wizard. She wants that KISS OF ICY DEATH and Drake's face dodges it. I would point out the logic break here; but I want this stupid episode to end so I won't. Drake drops down and hides behind LP's fragile body while blowing her off with an snow and cereal metaphor. Thank God it wasn't a puppy or Dave The CLEANING BARBARIAN OF LAUGHS would have an excuse for doing that spot. So Isis decides to sick the Firebugs on them while she finishes gold plating the city. Drake and Launchpad scatter like scalded dogs because you know that ROID RAGE is deadly. Scooby Doo running sequence ensues and it is lamer than Ruby Spears on a bad day. Drake and Launchpad take a wussy bump into the Ice Cream Cart left over from The Sound And The Furry.
Drake then gets the LIGHTBLUB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and rides on the Ice Cream Bicycle. Drake violate ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 just to annoy me (and make me feel anime purists' pain for a change) as he gets on the bicycle and ride. He would made an excellent cowardly heel on Wrestling for Dollars actually. Launchpad and the Fire Bugs follow as LP gets on and it's the Scooby Doo chase sequence bicycle style. All we need now is lame copyrighted hippie music and we have all the bases covered in the act for true Sidism. They ride into the Self Storage Ice Area (which is gold plated mind you- UGH!) and the Firebugs cannot stop on a dime in midair as they fly right into the FREEZE CHAMBER OF ABSOLUTE ZERO! Drake shuts the door and then Launchpad looks in to see that the old ice cube catches the Firebugs dead in their tracks. Which would have worked if the ice cube had been on the back wall instead of in front of the door. Stupid, stupid, stupid...Did I mention stupid?! We only have about two minutes left in the episode; but it feels like 2 hours at this rate as we return to the city as Isis continues to use the fire hose and somehow avoid using it in a sex act.
All the denizen of Saint Canard are dead (or faking death at this point; it's hard to tell) as Isis thought they would make a cool couple. Sadly; the fire hose runs out of gold and I suspect her freezing hope chest in gone and not a moment too soon. And here comes Drake blowing her off as he hold on to the fire hose to stop the melted gold and Launchpad arrives with the snow blower. Isis absolutely fears that thing as LP turns it on and the snow blowerthrows snow right into the melted gold as Isis runs to the melting pot to protest that they are ruining everything. The episode is completely ruined by you Isis; there's nothing else to ruin at this point. Isis uses the FREEZING SPRAY OF DEATH beneath Launchpad's feet. Now you would think that LP would just stay there; but he walks an inch and of course he slips and slides down the icy slope and takes a MAN-SIZED bump right into the gold plated wall. OUCH! That's going to leave a mark...On the wall. Launchpad does a bowling metaphor and he is out. Drake grabs the fire hose from her and he's got her. However; Isis counters with the ICICLE EDGE OF DEATH which Drake ducks and somehow; Drake's hat dislodges and stays above the icicle while Drake goes below the icicle. Nice spot there Sun Woo as Drake pops up and calls it not a bad idea. You wish Drake Mallard. That Icicle Edge sucked badly. Valkyrie Profile Mages do a better one than that. So Drake runs to the snow blower and uses the fire hose to plug the opening up. Drake gets the end of the fire hose into position and pushes the LEVER (WRONG LEVER!) on the hose.
However; irony strike Drake faster than a bad plot device and it's fire hose riding time! Please let this episode end now. Isis blows some snow at Drake as it knocks Drake off the fire hose and he goes right into the wall with a wussy bump. Kudos to Drake to no-sell the blow by the way. Bad logic break; but I'll accept it just to end this one. Isis asks if he is finished and pumps her fist as Drake grabs the fire hose again. Oh; that wasn't contrived in the very least; no siree! Drake sics the fire hose on her as Isis scatters and then the ultra-stupid finish clicks in as she is frozen to death in an ultra-lame blizzard storm from a fire hose. Personally; gold plating her would have actually made MORE SENSE and gives us a sense of irony. However; Eric thought a parody to the Wicked Witch of The West's death would have been better. And to click the stupidity levels even further; we cut to later where Launchpad puts a carrot on the nose of Isis as the police take the frozen Isis Vanderchill while saying that it is cool at Saint Canard and the gold is back in the banks without explaining how in the heck they got the gold plating off of the city in the first place. That had to be painful work. Launchpad wants a vacation; but Drake blows it off because he now has a cold and he basically sneezes himself right into a snowbank of pain to finally put the episode out of it's misery at 21:13. Ye Gods; what did we do to deserve this crap?! If you going to do an episode about gold plating; consult a gold expert beforehand and then write the episode around it. This is the first negative star episode in DTVA history bar none and it damn well deserves it at -* 1/2 ( -30%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Oh God; this was terrible in about ten different ways more or less. We start this with 14 or so logic breaks with half of them done by Sun Woo and the other half done by the writers. Second; we have Isis Vanderchill who was a really terrible villain with an annoying love for mallards who broke logic by living underground in a fire pit which should have melted her into water; but didn't. Third; the moral of the story (patience for those who didn't notice) was overshadowed by the fact that this episode for the most part was not entertaining at all. Fourth; only a few spot barely gave me a laugh at all. Fifth; The Firebugs were an one off joke that was okay; but they didn't explain how they got sided with Isis in the first place. They were basically there to waste time. Sixth; the Gold Plating part made no sense. Sure; metal can conduct heat; but not in any acute way to actually kill the entire population of Saint Canard. Seven: The Gold Plating didn't melt Isis at all; and neither did the Firebugs for that matter. Eight: The lamest Scooby Doo Running Sequence in history. Nine: Launchpad doing nothing at all other than just being there to suck...and finally; the ultra stupid finish of Isis freezing to death. It made no sense at all. Why not die by being gold plated yourself? That would have been funny and ironic at the same time.
Plus; they never explained how anyone could have lived through that (other than Drake and LP) and how they got the gold plated stuff off in the first place because the writers set themselves up for failure from start to finish. It was basically a poor effort from everyone except for Drake who was only subpar at worst. Folks; this is an example where a writer really dogs it. Eric Lewald is not a great writer. He is an average writer when he is on his game. When he dogs it; this is what we get: the worst example of the DUCKS RULEZ type of attitude that the writers were told when the show was approved. In hindsight; this proves why TaleSpin rocks: There is no DUCKZ RULEZ attitude because there is only one mallard in the entire series and it was roughed up by the Air Pirates in Polly Wants A Treasure. What a crappy way to start Volume Two.....?! Next up is Whiffle While You Work and it's a heck of a lot better than this episode that's for sure...
Thumbs way the hell down for this episode and I'll see you all next time.
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