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Toys Czar Us

Reviewed: 02/11/2008


I feel like saying that to every Sustainer gamer out there right now; just to annoy them all to hell..... I think that sezs it all as this is part two of Quackerjack using psychology against Drake Mallard and this time; Gosalyn is the focal point of the whole thing. I think they recycled this one for a couple of Goof Troop episodes later; only with zero kidnappings. I remember liking this one though so let's rant on and see if it stands up shall we...?!

The episode is written by Ellen Svaco and Colleen Taber (when in doubt do it again as I say!) the story is edited by Duane Capizzi...and Sun Woo is officially four for five on Disc one of this volume so far. UGGGHHHH!!

We begin this one at Gosalyn's SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS and apparently; Saint Canard is a real city in the United States of America. You know what; with all of the criticism surrounding using real places and such; maybe it's time to create our own worlds again. At least this show has the fake city of Saint Canard unlike some cartoons I know. I would personally watch a creative world like TaleSpin again if it means that we will finally have some effort into creating characters that actually put an effort to get over themselves rather than getting over by having the kids relate to them right away through obvious cool gimmicks and such. After all; isn't that what the word character really means?! We head inside the hallway while Gosalyn is playing baseball with Honker inside. Why doesn't that surprise me in the very least?! There are about four kids (not including Honker who has the baseball mind you) including a female poodle, two pigs and a nerdy mallard (check the goofy glasses) who may or may not be Honker's best friend when Gosalyn isn't around to bully him. Honker throws the pitch and I'm wondering what Gosalyn did to bully Honker into doing this obvious bad behavior inside the hallway. There are two kid dogspeople behind him which actually sets up the episode rather wall since there will be a lot of children in this episode before it is over.

Gosalyn whacks the ball hard and it is out of the park which is the usual signal for the ball to go through the glass door and it shatters of course allowing about five seconds for the remaining kids to scatter like scalded dogs before the door opens to reveal the pissed off teacher eating said baseball. That gives Gosalyn Waddlemayer Mallard the new record for getting into trouble at eighteen seconds in. Farnsworth The principal spits the ball out in funny fashion (because Sun Woo slightly screws up here) and tries to sound mean and all; but she comes off as very human. Which is fine since that makes her still a hundred times better than Principal Prickley by default. Farnsworth motions for Gosalyn to come to the office about five rooms down and Gosalyn sells it without incident of course which proves that ADD still doesn't exist in this world. Only Cartoon Duck Syndrome of course. Funny crack on Farnsworth: Her farm is worth about $400 in damages. We then get the ax welding scene changer and I'm wondering who got up on the wrong side of the bed to invoke that one?!

Anyhow we head to the toy store as Drake and the store owner (a greasy sales dogsperson judging by the hair) exchange notes about a recent robbery. Drake of course uses complex speaking to confuse the poor salesman and then it's the magnifying glass to sniff out for clues. I thought that due process doesn't exist in this world?! It's obvious that Quackerjack is behind this crime even before he took out the lens. Thankfully; the clue is right in his sights which magically appears behind the salesperson's butt. Logic Break #1 for the episode as those GIANT CHOMPERS OF DEATH are way too big to not be noticed. Drake grabs the CHOMPERS OF DEATH and notices the logo on it while blowing off the salesperson. I don't get that since the salesperson has no heat to leech off of. Yeah; it's Quackerjack's property; what a surprise?! Thankfully; the GIANT CHOMPERS OF DEATH are game to tell Drake that he sucks and bites his beak good in a funny spot. Drake tries to get the CHOMPERS OF DEATH off his beak with no luck whatsoever and here comes the Flash Quack as it takes a decent bump into the wall...

Joey Styles: We just fixed that wall!

For those who don't get the joke; Joey Styles said that exact phrase during the ECW Scaffolding match between Tommy Dreamer and Brian Lee which during the first minute of the match; someone threw a guy into the drywall and it broke into pieces. Thus the line from Joey Styles. Apparently; someone broke that wall the week before and it was fixed before the show started. It was just too funny to mention. You expect to hear that in the WWE's version of ECW?! The Flash Quack opens up to reveal a television featuring Launchpad as per in his contract to inform her that Drake must meet Principal Farnsworth for a parent-teacher conference. So that logically leads to inside Principal Farnsworth's office as Farnsworth is sitting in her desk with Drake Mallard (in regular clothes) sitting in a chair in front of her. Farnsworth proclaims that Gosalyn has been caught three times. Huh?! Only three times?! Is Gosalyn that well-behaved?! I would assume that it would be at least five times that Gosalyn has been in trouble. And then she finally shows her sadistic side by revealing the ass paddle. Hey; it's COMEDY BABEE and Drake plays it as such by sobbing and pleading for mercy on her. This is the same guy who threatened to hit her with the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT and now he's begging for mercy on her?!

Drake is so full of himself that this is just too funny. He wants to take the punishment for being a bad father. Well; it's a start. It's not deciding to put villains over and not burying them anymore; but it is a start. Farnsworth realizes the silliness of Drake's over the top selling and offers Drake a plate of Brie and crackers. Brie is a type of cheese for those who do not know or hate French stuff which I see some Americans still do for the most silliness of reasons. Drake no sells because he's apparently on a diet and sadly he doesn't ask if he could pack them to give to Launchpad to eat. That would be another good start as Farnsworth goes into her nice talk about Gosalyn being a good kid and all; and the difficult problems of being a single parent. I'm sure that if TaleSpin went on; this spot would be used on Molly Cunningham too. Farnsworth goes into her desk and takes out the LIBERAL RED BOOK OF LIES. Oh great?! Now we know why Gosalyn got into so much trouble in this episode. I'm calling the red book out as the single biggest cause of Gosalyn getting into trouble with Quackerjack. Remember that! And just to make it sound even more heinous; the title is called The Perfect Parent. That doesn't sound like a tool of the devil in the very least; no siree!

Anyhow; we cut to Drake's house as Drake is carrying the laundry because apparently; this family has way too many clothes to soil themselves with. He heads to the washing machine and manages to get all of the clothes in without any of the clothes hanging. Drake takes the book and then sits down to the left of the washing machine. He starts reading while scooping the cleaning powder into the washing machine with reckless abandon. Here's a clue: Books are just as bad of a distraction as video games and cell phones when it comes to important stuff such as measuring. Remember that for your next lesson in cleaning. Ammonia Pine would be displeased at Drake's skills. Gosalyn comes in and asks him what he is reading and Drake answers that he's trying to be the perfect parent. Sounds more like the perfect fool to me as Gosalyn blows it off as science fiction. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments.

Gosalyn runs off as Drake wonders why Quackerjack is stealing toys from toy stores. Maybe because Quackerjack is going to retrofit them with stuff that would MURDER ya Drake?! It's it that obvious?! Of maybe you do believe in due process after all which makes you a hypocritical full of yourself mallard. He then throws the entire box of cleaning powder into the washing machine and closes it because he just has to be REALLY STUPID at some point. Jim Cummings' voice sounds raspy for some reason. Must be suffering from Voice Breaking Syndrome that R.J. Williams apparently suffered. Better work on that lemon Jim. We then pan over to the kitchen as Drake starts cooking like he's going to have a large birthday party. If you want to be the perfect parent Drake; start by doing less pots and pans. He pours various stuff into the pots and then we cut over to Gosalyn reading a comic book while sitting beside someone dirty clothes on the sofa. Drake is cleaning the floor with the vacuum cleaner while reading the book. Now this episode really sucks..HAHA! Oh wait....

Ron Sparks: It sucks more than Sean Desmond.

Anyhow; Drake proclaims that he cannot let dust bunnies live in order to be a perfect parent so he tells Gosalyn to move her feet and shoves the sofa over allowing Gosalyn to take a wussy bump onto the floor. Well; it is a child involved so it is understandable. Gosalyn blows off Drake (holding a green sock) for ruining a fragile ecosystem. I wonder who would win in a complex children speaking contest: Kit or Gosalyn?! There is something to ponder as the phone rings and Drake answers it. Launchpad is on the phone of course allowing Drake to completely suck the pink rug into the vacuum cleaner and thus live up to it's name. I see Drake stole that one from Sparky. Heh, heh...Gosalyn tries to point out that the vacuum cleaner is clogged; the stove is burning and the suds are bubbling closer to him; but Drake blows her off because he is on Mr. Phone. What a REALLY STUPID mallard Drake is?!

Launchpad informs Drake that Quackerjack is holding hostages at the toy store which is enough for Drake to storm off leaving Gosalyn to deal with the TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE HOUSE. Luckly; Gosalyn has the fire extinguisher (complete with red fire helmet to protect her little head) and starts fighting the fire first. It just shows how good Gosalyn really is and how REALLY STUPID Drake is. And speaking of Quackerjack; we head back to the toy store as the salesperson is on a footstool being attacked by two CHOMPER OF DEATH for the price of one. We pan over to the exploding toy solider (as seen in Just As Justice Ducks Part 2) carrying the JOKEY SURPRISES OF DEATH while Quacky laughs and giggles because the competition is gone. I guess the store clerk hid half of his wares and was prepared to tackle with Quacky. However; Quackerjack's psychology overtook him as expected. Oh wait; he's filling the shelves with Quackerjack toys while riding on the see saw horse. See; I knew this was his master plan all along...and it is SOOOO EVIL! I think Chinese companies watched this show for pointers afterward. Oh come on! You knew that one was coming a mile away...And there is the exploding panda of course just to remind as of Lost Horizons while the salesperson defends himself with the footstool (NOT THAT ONE!) from the DOUBLE CHOMPERS OF DEATH proclaiming that his plan would NEVER work. Why not?! As if there are any inspectors in Saint Canard?! They are all more stupid than Drake Mallard anyway.

The chompers win that battle as Quackerjack calls his toys misunderstood. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Of course they are misunderstood; because nothing beats DANGEROUS like a misunderstood toy. I wonder if Quackerjack went to China after this cartoon ran it's course because that's the only way I can explain him. He even brings out the MR. HISTORY DOLL OF EDUCATIONAL DEATH just to make the torture all the more funny. How can you NOT love Quackerjack after this?! More to come from him in this episode; I assure you. Salesperson sells it like he is scared as he should be. Quackerjack laughs as he gets off death reference #1 and pulls the cord to make Mr. History talk history of course as the salesperson is tortured to death. Kit has got to be watching this and saying: That's torture?! I went through this in grade school and made it through! I was tickled to death and nearly got my eardrums killed by Karnage and Miz Cunningham; not to mention nearly getting stung to death by turnips and sandpaper and he calls this torture. FOR SHAME!! Quackerjack is so funny....And I would go over to Kit and say: Indeed! Salesperson sells it like he is being tortured to death as Quackerjack decides on the Industrial Revolution for the next encore round. Sadly; the fun must end before the cord can be pulled because here comes the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM at 4:49....complete with the red smoke cloud (AND THAT IS BAD FOR YOUR....RED SMOKE?! WHAT THE HELL ARE THE ANIMATORS SMOKING IN THIS EPISODE?!)

Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the check writer in the cash-only line.

Okay; that was was pretty lame as Drake walks out and then realizes that Disney ran out of blue smoke for his entrances. That is just sad folks as Quackerjack is ticked off and the urge to use his Mr. History doll on him is rising. Quackerjack calls him a big fat spoilsport and I'm inclined to agree with him as he blows the whistle on Drake. Sun Woo then invokes Logic Break #2 because there are now three CHOMPERS OF DEATH about to be unleashed on Drake. Suits me fine because Drake deserves to be bit in the nuts now for ruining all of Quackerjack's fun. Drake does some lame karate spots and then asks if the suit makes him look fat. What were the writers thinking on that one?! And who cares?! Quackerjack declares that it is playtime and he even show how intense he is which is just too funny not to mention. The TRI-CHOMPERS OF DEATH back Drake against the wall as he calls them nice doggies. Quckerjack uses the SPRINGS OF MORALITY and leaves before Drake can bury him. Nice to see someone at least learn to go in; do the damage and get out with Drake. Drake proclaims that he's use the latest technology to defeat the CHOMPERS OF DEATH which is of course.....wait for it...a bone. And of course the CHOMPERS OF DEATH sell it and bounce towards the bone as they chomp on it and the bone explodes; living up to the OF DEATH name.

Okay; I can accept that one since it was remotely life threatening at least. Drake points out the obvious for me and then storm out yelling for where Quackerjack went. ANYWHERE HE WILL DARN PLEASES! Sid Vicious sucked as a wrestler; but his gigging and hometown were top notch. Launchpad appears and he got stuffed by the spring jack in the box in a pretty funny spot. He tells Drake that he got away. NO....REALLY?! LP thinks that they can catch him; but Drake blows it off because he's got a roast to put into the oven. Drake?! Doesn't care about crime?! No full of himself promo?! Maybe that book is good for something after all. Logic Break #3 beckons as the jack-in-the-box is magically off Launchpad's head and LP's voice is still sounding like it is still on. None of the logic breaks are bad; but they are still annoying. Launchpad offers to help Drake catch Quackerjack after dinner; but that is no go as they make it to the Rat Catcher because Farnsworth ordered Drake to help Gosalyn with her homework. They ride back to Drake's house of course....

Post-Production Glitch #1: Half-second black slug.

We head to the lab where Drake is explaining to Gosalyn the chemical of Mono Sodium gluteus Maximus (MSG which Open Office catches as misspelled. Really bad form there Jim Cummings. Thankfully Gosalyn corrects Drake on that gaffe and she looks pissed off for whatever reason. It's MSG for those you don't know; the stuff that makes you very thirsty after uses.) Drake (in regular clothes) invokes the goggles for safety reasons. Sadly; they don't protect against his full of himself ego which is on full display here. Drake pours some chemicals and declares that they made mouthwash which Drake pours on the bowl and it is clearly acid because it eats away at the bowl, the table and the wooden floor. Gosalyn nicely blows it off getting off death reference #2. The blue phone rings and Drake answers it lest he cause any more damage. It turns out Drake is needed again because Quackerjack is back to finish the job of putting his dangerous toys on the shelves of the toy store. Drake kisses Gosalyn and apologizes for the bad news before running off again. I don't think Gosalyn even cares if he's helping her or not. And she is praying to the heavens thanking God for getting rid of Drake. Oh come on guys! She's clearly in the prayer position looking up to the sky.

So that logically leads to the same toy store as Quackerjack is inside and he grabs the toy panda and screams at the salesperson demanding where all of his toys are. This is like a hardcore gamer wondering where all of his hardcore games are. The CHOMPERS OF DEATH bounce around as they get fed with the PANDA OF DOOM while the salesperson tries to explain that the toys are too dangerous to market on the shelves. In hardcore speak that means: Those games are like hardcore drugs. People want games that enrich life; not kill it. Because they do not hate their lives like you do. I'm amazed Tale Of Tales didn't come flat out and say play them like drug addicts because the connection now makes sense once you actually read between the lines. Quackerjack is angry and goes over to a grandmother and her daughter/son (about five years old wearing overalls and looking like Molly Cunningham; but with Honker's face and Gosalyn's hair.) and offers them a tasty Quackerjack toy which is the TOY EXPLODING DOG OF DEATH. The grandmother sells and twists the knob on the toy. UH OH! I know where this one is going. She puts the dog down on the floor and the kid tries to pet it; but the DOG OF DEATH shows off the DANGEROUS TEETH OF DEATH which is ready to scare and bite the living hell out of him. Now that is a KILLER DOG INDEED!

Grandmother grabs her son and storms off quickly before any damage is done. Quackerjack blows her off because the kids would love his toys if their parents didn't interfere. Cannot say I don't agree with him. And speaking of the perfect parent; here comes DARKWING..DUCK for burial attempt #2. Quackerjack calls him Darkwing DUD which makes him the best villain in QUACKERIA right there. Quacky grow weary of this burial game (YAY!) and does some flips into the boxes which manage to land on Drake's head and somehow he is wearing roller skates. Now that's either an awesome logic break or an awesome sequence by Quackerjack and Sun Woo. I hope it is the later. Drake skates backwards blind like his life has been up to this point and Quackerjack blows the toys off because they are as dangerous as is. Cannot argue with that point I guess as the TOY SOLIDER OF DOOM arrives with the plunger which signals that it is time for everyone's favorite punching bag Bobo. Quackerjack calls it a classic as he pushes the plunger which reveals BOBO THE INFLATABLE EXPLODING CLOWN OF DEATH. And we know it cam explode because Quackerjack proclaims that you will get a bang out of Bobo. Foreshadowing is not one of the writers strengths in this episode as so shown here.

Then again; foreshadowing isn't much of a strength for 75% of the DTVA writers out there. The animators then completely recycle Quackerjack's first exit out of the toy store as Drake finally gets that box off his face and blitzes towards BOBO THE INFLATABLE EXPLODING CLOWN OF DEATH; but Drake bounces back and takes a SICK MAN-SIZED BUMP into the CHEST OF DEMONS. Drake is in a screwed mess as the CLOWN OF DEATH bounces towards Drake. Drake finally gets the skates off and backs up towards the wall as the CLOWN OF DEATH surrounds him. Bobo gets bigger by the second as Drake is screwed...for about three seconds as he sees the window trap door and then he uses the grappling hook gun to climb up Bobo and open the door allowing himself to climb onto the roof. And then instead of actually escaping; he cuts a full of himself promo like the REALLY STUPID mallard that he is. And of course; the grappling hook gun pierces Bobo allowing him to completely explode, DUH!! In a major shock; the toy store stays pretty much intact minus the hole in the roof. SOMEONE FIRE THAT TOY STORE! The toys fall to the ground as Drake takes an excellent bump on the ground; squashing a perfectly innocent panda doll in the process.

Do I have to go back to Tad's place again and blow him off?! And here comes Launchpad for the fourth time asking if Drake is okay and Drake proclaims that it did as he grabs the EXPLODING PANDA OF DEATH and proclaims that it broke it's fall...and of course it explodes. FINALLY! Some bear gets back at Cartoon Duck Syndrome! I bow to my new master: The killer panda doll. YES! YES! YES! It's a beautiful day even if it is snowing hard here in Nova Scotia. Drake seems all right as nearly everything is broken..and then it's clear he broke nothing because he is still walking. Drake is such a liar! Drake brushes himself off as Launchpad proclaims that he would raise Gosalyn as if she was his own if he died. Oh boy! Can you imagine the chaos if that happened?! And of course Launchpad takes a MAN-SIZED bump into the lamp post with his beak just to make me laugh. Drake blows off the suggestion and I cannot argue with him on that one. However; he recoils because if something did happen to him then Gosalyn would NEVER have a perfect parent. That logically leads to....

Inside Drake's house as Gosalyn, Honker and the nerd from earlier in the episode enter the house and the whole place is clean as a whistle. Gosalyn is SHOCKED and tries to leave because it's got to be the wrong house see; but is stopped because here comes Drake (in regular clothes) wearing a gay apron carrying a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. And they are made of oat bran of course as Gosalyn thinks Drake has a fever. Drake refers to the red book and proclaims that he is fine. This is really turning into I Only Have Ice For You now. Drake wants to spend quality time with Gosalyn and is so damn mushy that this may be worse than being full of himself; if that is humanly possible. Except that this is a duck; so it is very possible. Gosalyn tells him to stop with the dumb talk as Drake offers the guys to stay for supper because it's Zucchini Meatloaf which is not a bad choice for a meal all things considered. However; since Zucchini is a veggie and not a pasta; Honker and Nerd Guy run away like scalded dogs and close the door. And now Gosalyn Mallard is PISSED! She wants his OLD dad back. Again I ask: Drake Mallard; or the blood dad Disney loves to kill off for their pleasure?! And then we get the scene changer for no good reason as we see Drake hanging blue curtains on a window using a step ladder in either his room or Gosalyn's room depending on what mood I was in when I was doing this rant.

What were the writers thinking here?! The conversation just started to get good and then they CUT IT OFF?! It makes no sense whatsoever and this is Logic Break #4 for the episode and the first one I don't accept. And this episode was going along so well too. Gosalyn blows it off because Drake should be fighting crime instead. Drake proclaims that the police should handle it and declares that he has given up crime fighting to become a full time parent much to Gosalyn's disgust. Drake puts the remaining blue fabric that was cut around Gosalyn and declares to her that they will be spending quality time together. Drake is absolutely creepy for all the wrong reasons here as Gosalyn asks about the fabric and Drake declares that it will be for the school play that Gosalyn will attend. UH OH! I betcha it is going to be the debut of the imfamous dress that Gosalyn HATES wearing. And why is Drake wearing a red with yellow spots bow tie. Wouldn't it make sense to wear it when you look like a clown?! Is there some symbolic irony that I am not getting here?! See; Drake has entered Gosalyn into the school play and Drake is the director. This is going to be the worst play EVER and I'm amazed Gosalyn hasn't stormed out of the house right now.

We then cut to Launchpad nailing a poster of the school play against a wooden post as he calls out for Drake as he is putting the finishing touches on a billboard with Gosalyn's likeness on it. Now this is taking vanity to the extreme here as Drake falls backwards off of the ladder forcing Launchpad to run quickly towards him. Sadly; one of the ads for the school play falls into a conveniently placed grate and goes into the sewers as we head inside the sewer area where Quackerjack is sitting on his toy chair as the king of all dangerous misfit toys everywhere. He is talking to Mr. Banana Brain who is perched on his right chair arm stating that children will buy his toys and his next MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN is to surround himself with children and create the ultimate toy utopia. They will bow before him and call him Toy Czar. Now that's an EVIL plan since that's the usual way to molest children actually. Mr. Banana Brain points out the obvious problem to Quackerjack in a way to make him even more insane and Quacky sputters like a maniac before the school ad shows up to help Quackerjack create his plan. We go to the shot of Gosalyn's face on the flier as it is playtime to end the segment almost 11 and a half minutes in. Other than one bad logic break; I'm digging this one too....

After the commercial break; we head backstage as Gosalyn, Honker, Tank and about four other kids are mad at Drake Mallard for dressing them in really bad costumes. And of course Gosalyn is in the infamous BLUE DRESS OF DOOM wearing a crown and wings because she is the Cookie Crumb Fairy. Oh man; I almost spat out my drink hearing that. Drake Mallard is such a freakin genius. Tank isn't trilled because his napalm scene was cut due to being too violent; or too over depending on what mood BS&P was in doing this episode. Honker is taking it well because he gets to play the rock in the episode. Quartz or Limestone?! I think sandstone which is what Tank will turn you into if you keep praising Drake's play. Gosalyn and company decide to walk off in protest to the Pizza Barn; but Drake gets in the way. They are screwed as they are forced to take their places and the players sell...Except for Gosalyn as she steps on the trapdoor and proclaims that she will not move from this spot. And the trapdoor opens to reveal Quackerjack as Gosalyn takes another wussy bump.

Gosalyn realizes who he is as Quackerjack does some beautiful handstands and gets in front of the kids. Quackerjack has a proposition for them: To come to his happy place of glee and of course they sell after being told that they don't have to do the play. Now Gosalyn comes in to blow the proposition off because Quackerjack is a demented villain. Quackerjack tries the toy line and Tank no sells it because he's too old for toys. So Quacky offers him Destructo-Toys which is the toy chainsaw. As opposed to a real chainsaw?! Tank finally sells and they all agree to leave; minus Honker and Gosalyn of course. Sadly; Tank grabs Honker and leaves Gosalyn with the rock costume.

Gosalyn takes another wussy bump for bad measure and then goes to the trapdoor which everyone enters stating that they asked for it. Sadly; Quacky hates critics (even over ones) so the GIANT CHOMPERS OF DEATH beckons and Gosalyn is forced against the wall because apparently Gosalyn is in a dress so Pod Gos it is. We cut to in front of the stage as the public seated is getting restless; so Drake Mallard (REALLY STUPID mushy bow tie and all) gets onto the stage talking on the microphone introducing his soon to be a failure play The Cookie Crumb Fairy; featuring Gosalyn Mallard. Oh man; Drake is so full of himself even when he is introducing people. The curtain opens and there is nothing....AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING as the crowds pops. I guess they think this play sucks already and are here to throw fruit at Drake if anyone tries to act. Drake realizes that he is screwed (I think) and goes to the microphone. Doesn't he know that a live microphone equals danger?!

Then again; Drake even in mushy mode is REALLY STUPID. And once he speaks; they start giving him heel heat. Geez; that is so canned guys. Drake runs back stage and proclaims that they went to the pizza joint. I guess Gosalyn did storm off...but what about the CHOMPERS OF DEATH?! Guess it followed her. I'm not going to call a logic break there as Launchpad comes over because the crowd is getting if I care. Drake is mad as heck and decides to shove Launchpad right into the front of the stage as a distraction despite the protestations from LP. Launchpad starts his improv routine and since this is a DTVA show; it's going to intentionally suck. That one sucked badly. We cut to Quackerjack's kingdom as we pan over to the toys and see Gosalyn tied up with her own wings while a CHOMPER OF DEATH stands guard. Okay; now it is not a logic break officially. Gosalyn is blowing off the chompers' teeth as we pan over to see the kids gleefully bouncing up and down wanting new toys. Quackerjack tells them to be a little patient as Tank loves his new Brass Knuckle Yo-Yo.

Now why hasn't the WWE considered this wacky international object yet?! And of course they have to pay $30 for it with no checks. Tank only has a new coins and lint which really gets Quackerjack mad. Oh Quackerjack; you forget the most obvious flaw to this EVIL plan; the parents hold the money BABEE! He takes the BRASS KNUCKLE YO-YO OF DEATH back as Tank tells him that they have no money. So Quackerjack goes for plan #2; make them make toys to pay off the bills. Quackerjack is so demented that he forgets that he still wouldn't make any money from the work anyway since the parents still have the money needed to make such a profit. Quackerjack has no idea how capitalism works. We cut to the conveyer belt as the kids are making toys like child labor slaves and Gosalyn is now wearing her normal clothes. I guess even the blue dress was too evil even for Quackerjack to notice. That proves Drake Mallard is REALLY STUPID. Honker asks the obvious question: Why not just make our own toys?! Of course Quackerjack answers that one to book keeping of course. And the kids are wearing chains on their ankles; how nice. Gosalyn is not happy of these arrangements (and looking like Kit from Citizen Khan) and decides to go on her three signal...which leads to them practicing the art of not being seen. Sadly; the chain rattling gives them away as Gosalyn leaves the not over kids to rot while they get help assuming Drake Mallard stops being the perfect parent of course which is probably not going to happen. Nice to see Quackerjack hasn't lost his mind and isn't as stupid as Drake Mallard is.

Post-Production Glitch #2: Half second black slug again....This is like TaleSpin now.

We head into the sewers as Gosalyn, Honker and Tank crawl out and hear that the CHOMPERS OF DEATH are gaining on them. However; the pizza smell overtake Gosalyn's nose and that will allow them to crawl some more towards a large ground grate. Gosalyn crawls onto Tank's body (with no disagreements from Tank for once) and Gosalyn blows off Drake who so happens to be standing on it while eating a piece of pizza on the surface. Yeap; even in perfect parent mode Drake is REALLY STUPID. Honker corrects Gosalyn as I remind Honk that Drake is a big fat oaf. Gosalyn calls out Drake and Drake finally notices her and then blows her off like Rebecca Cunningham on speed-balls. Gosalyn would be glad to and then blows him off for standing on the grate. I'm taking Gosalyn side in this one because she is in the right of course. Drake then shows how full of himself he is by blowing her off in kind and wants respect. And then he questions her about his weight.

If Drake had just told her the truth about Farnsworth maybe Gosalyn would have understood better. Not by much mind you; but still. Gosalyn screams out for Drake because Quackerjack is after them; and the CHOMPERS OF DEATH bite Tank right on his ass and drags the kids back through the sewers towards Quackerjack's hideout. Drake looks on in terror as he gets dirty from the dirty grater. Geez; Drake is REALLY STUPID; what a shock?! Drake then decides to cut a full of himself promo as he breaks his perfect parent mold. I shake my head in shame seeing that spot. Chomper scene changer as we pan over as the toy solider execution squad is ready to execute and MURDER Gosalyn straight to hell (who is blindfolded and wrists tied in front of her). Honker and Tank are tied up together in a heap as Quackerjack calls for the execution squad to execute the ringleader first (Gosalyn of course) and it's the You Cannot Do That On Television promo as Gosalyn asks for an apology to stop the execution to end the segment nearly seventeen minutes in.

After the commercial break; we get the You Cannot Do That On Television promo from Quackerjack as Gosalyn is completely screwed and wearing the gayest blindfold I have ever seen. Sadly; the execution is stopped with the dreaded blue smoke cloud (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH, MOVIE RATING & COLOR STYLING FROM SUN WOO!) beckons allowing the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM to beckon at 16:52....

Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the quality time and ruins your playtime.

Now that promo makes sense as Drake uses his gay Zorro Cape to cover Gosalyn with because even he thinks that blindfold is too gay. Hey; gayness is a trademark of DARKWING...DUCK Inc. All Rights Reserved. He unties her and Gosalyn takes off the blindfold and is so HAPPY to see him. Drake then goes for bury attempt #3 by blowing off the TOY SOLIDER EXECUTION SQUAD OF DOOM. Ooo; you're going to get MURDERED for that spot burying dud. And of course Quackerjack yells fire and Drake gets MURDERED with the GUNS OF DOOM. HAHA! Told ya Drake full of yourself Mallard. You're not going to bury Quackerjack that easily. Unlike Sparky and Bushroot of course. Quackerjack tells him to eat nutty putty and blasts the MINI CANNON OF DOOM which shoots silly putty right onto Drake so hard that he goes splat against the blocks. HAHA! Great bump there Sun Woo. Now this is my kind of episode. Let's see if Cartoon Syndrome stays home here. Sadly; it does as the putty slides off and Drake blows him off because he's wearing a Teflon Suit.

Quackerjack chatters his teeth with the Hanna Barbera teeth chattering sound effect. Now you know that you are watching a classic. Drake does some more lame karate moves which make no contact whatsoever so Quackerjack orders his toy soldiers to attack and they no sell of course. So Quackerjack gets behind them and uses the turning key to start them up. Too funny and finally they attack with the TOY FLAME THROWERS OF DEATH. Okay; where is The Lion & Lamb Project when we REALLY need them?! Yeah; I finally got the cheapshot in nearly eighteen minutes into the episode. Drake dodges and runs to the SILLY PUTTY OF DOOM as he shapes it into the bowling ball and throws a strike which destroys the toy soldiers. I did this without checking the DVD. Now I will check the DVD to see if I'm right....And I'm completely right as the toy soldiers take a MAN-SIZED bump into the iron door. Quackerjack bails as Gosalyn yells save the children as she unties Honker and Tank. I thought she would say Think of the children; but I guess Matt G. has that trademarked. Honker and Tank bail out of course as we pan over to Drake going to the conveyer belt as he's making grim reaper dolls. I guess this is the foreshadowing to Dead Duck which is got to be one creepy way to foreshadow if you know what I mean.

Drake declares that Quackerjack really needs professional help. So Drake has finally admitted that he cannot bury Quackerjack?! It's a start of course as Quackerjack appears dressed up as death himself and tries to cut Drake's neck off but misses. Now I'm really loving this guy. Drake runs over and invokes the gas gun; but Quackerjack gets rid of it and runs on the conveyer belt to allow Drake to do the same. Thrilling running sequence ensues. This is like Scooby Doo; only more demented. Quackerjack throws his outfit onto Drake to blind him as Gosalyn and Honker go to the lever (WRONG LEVER!). She pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) and the belt goes into the opposite direction allowing Quackerjack to escape on the swaying from Drake when it stops. HAHA! She intentionally screwed Drake on that one; don't let even her tell you any different. Drake takes a good bump into the wall with his face on that one as Quackerjack invokes the SPRING SHOES OF DOOM and it's playtime AGAIN! Did I mention that I love this guy?! Gosalyn feels bad because she's going to lose some money out of the deal. Quackerjack bails as Drake runs to him and then runs on stage to see a yodeling outfit and then stops on a dime for no good reason. Drake gets caught into the PULLEY YODELING SUIT OF DOOM and rises above the stage.

Normally; I would call that ultra-contrived; but I liked it because Drake gets to be screwed so I'll let it slide just this one time. And now Drake is Quackerjack's yodeling puppet. Just for the record; I don't remember this spot at all being in the episode when I saw it; so any connection from this spot to my fanfic The Nega Puppet does not exist. Just hang your head in shame in thinking that is the case and move on. Quackerjack bounces him like his bitch puppet until Gosalyn throws Drake the bat and Drake bangs himself on the head for his troubles. Too funny as Gosalyn realizes that college is gone too. I am so loving this. Sadly; Seth MacFarlane destroyed that spot once Peter Griffin did that to Lois and Meg saying “Stop punching yourself” again and again and that spot went from too funny to too sadistic. Drake then pulls the STRINGS OF DEATH to finally pull down Geppetto (A reference from a famous Disney movie no doubt) and Drake gets squashed by Quacky with a really silly bump. At least it's apporos knowing Quackerjack as Quacky bounces away and Drake is stuck in the wires. Gosalyn decides to help out as she pulls the string and Drake spins like a top. HAHA! Drake spins around like a top and then takes a good bump into the BLOCKHOUSE OF DEATH. Gosalyn then basically realizes that she is screwed for life as Quackerjack bails. Which means that the BLOCKHOUSE OF DEATH crumbles and Drake gets squashed underneath. I check the DVD....and damn I'm good despite about 20 seconds of time wasted. The bumps were somewhat silly; but you know Quacky.

Quacky gets squashed with them too which was a slight surprise; but whatever. Quacky pops out from the carnage and cries his heart out because his kingdom is completely destroyed. Quacky is so upset that he crawls away declaring that there is one more thing left to do as Gosalyn crawls to find Drake and finds Mr. Banana Brain which I'm sure they will get a real kick out of each other in a later episode. Drake finally pops out of the carnage and blows off Gosalyn for playing with Quackerjack toys; because they are dangerous. Spoiled sport as Quackerjack goes to the conviently placed EMERGENCY EXPLODING CLOWN OF DEATH and tries to blow it up with the plunger. In your face Krusty The Clown! However; Gosalyn gets Mr. Banana Brain back and keys him up before throwing it right in Quackerjack's face...and it explodes right on contact. Ooooooooooo. That was so violent! Maybe Gosalyn needs the same treatment Kit was going to get in Louie's Last Stand. Sadly; Quackerjack falls and manages to inflate Bobo The Clown up of course allowing for some overkill because Cartoon Duck Syndrome is like that of course. Drake tries to get onto Bobo; but he get bounced off as Bobo grows up way too much to be healthy. Gosalyn is scared to be blown to bits and there's no grate to save them from. Gosalyn and Drake get squashed against the wall as the parent and child exchange notes like a parent and child would as Bobo is ready to MURDER them at anytime. We get the pathos moment as it is convincing; but not super convincing as anything done in TaleSpin because this is COMEDY BABY!

They try to grab hands; but it is no go. However; they find their saving grace in the MOUTHPIECE OF DOOM. Drake tries to grab it and pull it to deflate Bobo; but it doesn't work. Gosalyn tells him to use his teeth because that always works. Drake struggles with his mouth and finally chews onto the MOUTHPIECE OF DOOM and pulls it open allowing Bobo to deflate like a bad balloon. Gosalyn praises Drake's work and we pan up to see Drake being literally full of hot air. HAHA! Drake doesn't care about being full of hot air because now he is really TOO FAT. HAHA! We head back to the stage as Launchpad is doing shadow puppets and the crowd seems to be less canned which means Launchpad has little heat to go with it. That is just lame. Colonel Spigot should sit Launchpad down and teach him the ways of getting proper crowd heat.

We then cut to Drake backstage as Drake orders the kids into their proper places and they sell because it's still better than getting executed by killer toys. Gosalyn (in the Cookie Crumb Fairy Dress now. I guess they found it somewhere in Quackerjack's hideout after all) gives Drake the book and Drake tosses it into the garbage can where it belongs. Finally; someone listen to me and it's more amazing because it's Drake Mallard of all people. Drake admits that he is better off without it and changes Gosalyn's crown to a baseball cap and tells her to knock them dead slugger. Gosalyn is so happy that she leaves so that Drake can beam proudly to end the episode at 21:12. I don't get why this is an average episode. I thought it was great and Quackerjack rocked as usual. A few bad logic breaks dragged it down though. **** ¼ ( 85%). One major mistake: It's Walt Disney Animation Japan with the ANIMATION STUDIOS OF RUIN. So much for trusting my source. Still; it explains why the animators were on their best behavior here.


I remember liking this episode when I first saw it and I still love it today despite a couple of obvious logic breaks and a few contrived spots. Quackerjack was awesome in this one as he was basically on through out the episode and he even managed to avoid getting buried by Drake despite everything Drake tried. I also liked the character development for Drake and Gosalyn as parent and child which was missing in most other episodes and somehow I ended up liking Drake in the end and not liking to hate him way. This episode doesn't have the most convincing or tear jerker pathos in animation; but it got the job done and quite frankly the writers did a good enough job without being contrived. I guess they realize that this is a comedy series and too much pathos would make it look contrived and forced on as an afterthought (It's A Wonderful Leaf). Overall; I enjoyed this favorite of mine; although the obvious logic break marred the experience a little bit. Next up is the last episode on Disc One which is Adopt-A-Con and I shudder to think.....So.....

Thumbs up for this episode and I'll see you all next time.


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