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Twitching Channels
Reviewed: 01/05/2008
Un-American USA!
Yeah; I might as well use the joke as a caption since Un-American Dad...ERRR...I mean Seth “American Dad” Macfarlane is too full of himself to try out my suggestion. It's too original for his tastes and the his audience see...
Hello kiddies; here is my first DARKWING..DUCK rant for 2008. Yes; I have managed to find a way to muster up enough guts and gall to continue ranting on this series despite all the overkill antics of the writers. This next one actually sounds like a really good one; or so I heard from the fanboys. Then again; I have to be wary of Cartoon Duck Syndrome; so let's rant on and see if this is really a great episode or another great lie?
The episode is written by John Behnke, Bob Humphrey and Jim Peterson. After Comic Book Capers; this is actually a good sign right off the bat. The story editor is Kevin “Crosby” Hopps....This one is animated by Sun Woo and I'm really getting steamed over the use of these hit or miss companies. Oh well; you cannot win them all.
And we begin with the usual STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM as we hear a Fred Flinstone like voice say that he is home to Goomey. Oh boy; if this is some rib on TaleSpin's Baloo then I'll never get Tad Stones' sense of humor. We do some STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM shots as the voices continue from a television set (since this is the 1990's after all and they are using television spots) as we head to MegaVolt's house as there are about five television sets in his house running at the same time. Stupidity Question of the episode: How does this help you maintain your cover? I mean; doesn't the excessive use of energy just makes you an absolute target for the police to find you? Then again; the police are more stupid than Drake so there you go. Sparky proclaims that this is his best idea ever. That is like Spongebob SquarePants coming out and saying that this is the best day in his life which means having to beat his moronic friend just to get approval from Mr. Krabs. I see his lightbulb fetish hasn't been buried like so many things Drake Mallard has buried before as he takes on his critics for calling him insane..and he agrees with them. Well; that is a sense of truth in advertising. Perhaps he should exchange notes with Bud Flood and become his mate. He presents them with the ELECTROLZYER OF DOOM which is basically a cordless electric plug. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Only Sparky could come up with that one aside from Professor Buzz. Maybe Buzz is his advisor after he lost his job in TaleSpin.
All the living electronics pop for that one in the most wacky way possible. Sparky thanks himself before the bunny rabbit light is scared and wants to know how it works. Must be one of those anti-fun moralist disguised as a light bulb. Sparky plugs the cordless plug to his chest plug and flips..THE SWITCH!! There...much better as Sparky gets SHOCKED literally and then calms himself. You know he's insane if he doesn't die from it as he touches the anti-fun lamp and unscrews the light bulb. Then he dives into the lamp and surf's the current inside the wires so to speak. Yeap; he's flipped his switch as he comes out shaped like a piece of bread stuffed in the toaster because he is in the toaster. He surfs some more and ends up mixed in the blender. In real life; he would turn into hamburger; but this is COMEDY BABY so he does more surfing inside the wires. He's making Kit look REALLY BAD in this sequence and falls into the B&W television as he is in TV Land literally. Sparky gets up in front of the screen testand realizes that he's in the television..and feels rather pleased to be in. Suddenly; he gets the LIGHT BULB OF BLOODY CLARITY (that is so fitting on SO MANY LEVELS) as he invents the MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN WITHIN A MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN. Take that TaleSpin fan boys!!
Megavolt adjusts the knob (even more fitting if you are a jerk in Canada.) and goes through television sets including the color screen test to present himself. Let's hope Drake never finds out because we all know he would want the whole action to himself. And Sparky gets down the whole plan of all television preachers and PBS folks: Send money..unless you want him to rob you first. He's a truly evil heel see... We cut to Hungry Hamburger Hippo Heart Attack of Death Shoppe~ as our disgraceful son of Commander Patton (from Getting Antsy complete with really silly PURPLE HIPPO HAT OF DOOM) watching television as he has zero customers. Maybe it's because it's MIDNIGHT, he's watching television and wearing a stupid purple hippo hat?! He's watching Chiller Diller Theater (Phyillis Diller anyone?) which is a movie called IT CAME FROM THE TELVISION SET. All he needed was to set It Came From Beneath The Television Set and then Tad would have recycled the title name from one of the best babysitter episodes in the history of American animation before everyone found out about anime.
Sparky greets the Patton reject and comes out of the television set. Okay; this is a huge logic break, but I don't care since DARKWING.. DUCK ceased making sense a long time ago and this is the best they have done in making sense at all. Spark bangs on the cash register (It's not what you think you sick freaks?!) and only steals about half of the money before leaving inside the television set. Guess he's only needs THAT much money. Now that's a quality robbery though and the only way he'll be discovered is if the power company checks their power records. Patton reject looks REALLY STUPID as he disgraces his father once again for doing NOTHING...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING! Scene changer leads to inside the video store as the greasy salesman is explaining to a female customer about a super screen television. Don't you just love the attempt of not stereotyping of the customer despite stereotyping the salesman?!
And yet; the female typically is the main source of income and buying stuff anyway so it comes off as a double stereotype...and it's a nothing scene so Sparky can jump out of the television set to complete the nothing sight gag. At least Sparky makes an effort not to suck by making six versions of himself while jumping out. And of course the screens are about 1/8 the size of being super. REFUND!! Greasy salesman does the old Scooby Doo jump in someone else's lap who has less body weight than she does spot. Sparky steals the smaller six televisions and leaves to the inside of the television. Greasy salesman states that it's a crime what they put on television these days. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments.
We head to outside of the Muddlefoot's house as Drake Mallard is carrying a giant box which is clearly bigger than his body weight. Finally; someone not a kid is doing the work on that spot. If this was TaleSpin; Kit would be doing that spot. And of course; Herb is the one opening the doors for him. HAHA! Serves you right for burying this funny family Drake Full Of Yourself Mallard as Drake enters the door realizing that Herb has screwed him and he takes a wussy bump off-screen (For goodness sakes Sun Woo; it's an off-screen bump) onto the floor. Thankfully; the box has CARDBOARD OF STEEL and the contents are undamaged as the box is placed in the living room in front of the green sofa. Herb gleefully walks in as Drake asks him what it is. Herb opens the box and pulls out the stuffings to reveal...wait for it...the TURBO TECHNIC....wait for it some more...remote control. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! TOTAL MARKUP CITY FOR THAT SPOT! Drake is not pleased with that one. I am so to hell with what Drake thinks.
Herb gleefully goes to his green couch (which is fading in color fast no thanks to Sun Woo) as he kisses the remote and claims that he'll never have to leave the couch again. Hey; it's Herb and he's so dense so I'm not going to point out the obvious flaw of unplugging the devices to him. It would disrupt the fragile bubbly world that he lives in as we cut to Drake going to the super audio device. He gets too close as Herb presses the button which allows the stereo to blare out heinous (but funny) music which allows Drake to do the flat ceiling spot. Hey; Drake as an international object equals funny. Drake makes it better by floating down and then blowing up in mid air before taking a decent bump onto the floor. See; Herb's new baby remote control can even pop popcorn. Now where can I buy this thing?! Or is it only available in QUACKERIA?! You the viewer decide! And of course the super stereo pops a little table with the silliest looking popcorn popper and it pops enough popcorn to bury Drake in a popcorn tomb. If this is a funny way of burying Drake Mallard after all the things Drake has done to him; then more power to Herb sezs I. And apparently; it cleans up after Herb as he pushes another button and Drake bails because the vacuum cleaner sucks up the popcorn. Now this episode really sucks. HA HA! Oh wait...there's more...
Ron Sparks: It sucks more than Sean Desmond.
Oh wait...there's even more. Since this is a Sparky focused episode; the writers went the extra mile to assure that at least one vacuum cleaner spot be shown in every episode. We do the Drake vacuum cleaner chase spot because that is in Sparky's contract as well according to SmearingGun.com. Herb loves his new remote control as Sun Woo's coloring assured that the bright green couch turns nearly light gray. Nice going Sun Woo as usual...NOT!! The vacuum cleaner bites Drake in the butt and stays there as Drake struggles to remove it. I guess this symbolic of all of the burying stuff coming back to bite Drake Mallard if you know what I mean. Herb uses the remote control and he's sad because it take all the work out of watching television. Drake doesn't care as he is about to walk away when the television pops up and there's Sparky on television of course. And he's on the parody version of the game show Jeopardy of course because he asks Alex for an answer. Drake is pissed off now because he got on television and he couldn't get a guest shot on radio.
Maybe because they were afraid of your ability to bury everything you touch by being so full of yourself. And of course he pretty much blows his cover as DARKWING...DUCK here. Herb changes the channel and it's Sparky on Oprah. Well; now we know who to blame for causing the Oprah explosion in rating RIGHT THERE don't we? True Story: Oprah was in syndication at this point; and TaleSpin was BEATING them in the ratings. TaleSpin only lost to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy at this point with a 11.4 share. It was considered by some as the second highest rated show behind Garfield & Friends all time; but I have no evidence to prove this. QUACKERIA's version is Opal Windbag and Drake is SHOCKED and APPALLED (in that order) because there is someone else who is a bigger windbag than he is and that he's female. I guess Drake is sexist now on par with Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson..or not. Herb changes the channel because Opal has a chance to bury Drake good and it's Sparky playing the role of Martha Stewart.
Okay; in 1991, Martha wasn't over at that point; but I have a hard time keeping the names of famous cooks on television straight not named Martha Stewart or James Barber or Pasquelle so I have to use whatever female cook I knew off the top of my head in short notice. And Sparky does the cook stereotype to annoy me so he's probably playing Pasquelle who was on the air in Canada during this time. James Barber didn't get MONSTER OVER as a cook until 1995 when he ditched the stereotypes (minus the old age, male and glasses which he couldn't ditch anyway.) and started exposing the business and disrupting it. Martha came along a little later on and got it over in America which was the largest free market before the other countries that were bigger started wanting a piece of the action. And of course; Sparky channels James Barber's over powers and choses his method of frying the chicken by zapping it like a microwave. That bird is more dead in more ways than I could count. If only that was Drake Mallard.
Speaking of Drake; Drake steals the remote control because he's a spoil sport and changes more channels and that doesn't get rid of Sparky. We get the Western, Adventure and Moon Landing as Drake is more SHOCKED AND APPALLED (in that order) because Sparky is stealing the show and his heat. Sparky proclaims that changing the channels is pointless because he's on ALL OF THEM. Sparky pops out of the television set and scares Drake which allows Drake to drop the remote control into Sparky's hands. Drake is truly a pussy as he backs away in front of Herb who is so dense that he doesn't realize that Drake Mallard is really DARKWING...DUCK! He must have taught Patrick Star so well. And Drake does the Scooby Doo get in Herb's lap spot which isn't funny because Herb is fatter than Drake. Sparky is SO HAPPY to have Herb's remote control and pops into the television as he'll come back whenever he feels like it.
Hey; he's so MONSTER over that he can take as much time as he wants. As long as Drake doesn't ruin it which of course he will...HE WILL!! He laughs like a maniac and the television turns itself off. Herb sobs because he lost his remote control and it's so funny that Drake hates it of course. Herb drops Drake like a bad habit and crys his eyes out in such a funny fashion that Drake takes a wussy bump on the floor to show his care less side. Drake then BLOWS HIS COVER by cutting his usual full of himself promo right in front of Herb and even Herb is questionning Drake now. Drake corrects himself; making sure that he still calls Sparky a low wattage worm. If he thinks that will bury him; Drake should just quit on cutting any more promos. Scene changer leads to the Rat Catcher which has gained GPS since the last time we saw it (in 1991?). Drake turns on his television radio and Sparky does the PBS spot just to amuse me because his stealing keeps him from being in your home. Drake then finally notices the transmission source which is Sparky's house. This shows how stupid every babyface not named Drake, Gosalyn, Honker, Launchpad, Fenton, Morgana and Nepuntina are. It's the only property that is NOT commercial. It's the most logical place to find Sparky. We cut to inside as Sparky does the RGB spot out of the television which doesn't work since it should be Red, Green, Blue; not Red, Yellow and Blue. Bad color spot there Sun Woo. Megavolt uses the knob to adjust himself and comes out of the middle television cheering victory which should bring out Drake any second now to ruin the whole thing. And here's the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM to ruin everything at 6:34....
Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the low rating that cancels your program.
Now there's a fitting promo to blow off Quack Pack Drake. You can now officially blame Drake Mallard for killing the quality control of Disney Television Animation. Drake Mallard: Burying real life one episode at a time. Sparky looks around and Drake appears with the smoke cloud (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH AND MOVIE RATING!) in front of the back window. Sparky goes for the WII ELECTRO FIST BEAM OF DOOM and Drake jumps over it despite missing everything by two feet. Drake cuts his usual full of himself promo as he invokes the plunger to stop him. To quote Bill Crosby: Yeah right! Even Sparky thinks it sucks so you know that was lame. I'm sure Dave THE CLEANING BARBARIAN OF LAUGHS loved that spot though. Drake claims it's to remove a hairball as Sparky tells Drake to eat wattage which is one of the best DTVA quotes I have heard as he does the SPARKY HEADBUTT OF DOOM; but Drake deflects it with the rubber part of the plunger. See Plunder and Lightning Part Four for that silly spot. Sparky gets drilled and fried (in that order) complete with the oldie but goodie DALEK X-RAY OF DEATH spot!
Even in 2006; it never goes out of style which explains why Doctor Who is still on the air in the UK despite all attempts by Mr. Grades to kill it. Sparky flies back and takes the fourth wussy bump (no thanks to Sun Woo of course) into the electronics. Works for me I guess; but make the bumps more dangerous next time Sun Woo! Sparky makes a run for it into the television set (The left one this time around); but Drake grabs him by the ankles before he can get in fully. Drake struggles like a goofball and gets dragged in as a result. Well; that takes care of the feeling out process between the two as we get the scene changer and see Herb relaxing on the now fully gray color changing sofa. Sun Woo should be ashamed of themselves for stooping to such lows. Herb finds a way not to leave the couch by using his foot to turn on the television. No one will ever accuse Herb Muddlefoot of being lazy anymore. I bow in his presence as the television program is the Old & The Worthless which is a parody of the Bold & The Beautiful. We go to a hospital bed as apparently someone is dead in the bed (check the green covers; the head is covered to indicate that the person is dead) as a female doctor who looks like Binky talks to a grinning doctor who has goofy brown hair which looks like Kit's if he didn't cut it back quite a bit. So that explains why Herb would LOVE to watch this show doesn't it?!
We get the usual soap opera spots of veiled sexual overtones which would have been appalling to parents if it wasn't for the fact that TaleSpin was playing the soap opera angle with better timing and making it look a lot less contrived. And of course Sparky rises from the dead to stop this sappy overkill. Moralists approve of this decision; but they boo because here's DARKWING...DUCK coming in from the window to strike a blow for freedom of speech. I wonder who Ed would pick here? Sparky bails as Drake steps onto the bed to show that the real actor on top of it is dead. Moral question of the episode: Does this count as a legit snuff scene?! The channel changes again and it's the parody of Bill Nye The Science Guy Mr. Electron. This is Sparky's kind of show see as Mr. Electron and Sparky have a meeting of the minds; and it was not at the water cooler because that would be dangerous to everyone's health see. Bill Nye didn't make his debut on Bill Nye The Science Guy until over a year at least after this show (1993) and it was on public television created by the Disney company. So blame this series for getting Bill Nye The Science Guy a job.
Not that I mind see. Mr Electron Lover realizes that Sparky is not Mr. Electron and Sparky blows him off and fries his butt to make Mr. Electron Love leave and probably change into the human who would become Bill Nye. While he runs; we see the plot device #2 as Sparky makes love with the atom splitters. Sparky is making Baloo look politically correct in comparison here as Sparky uses the knob and it sparks for a while as Sparky wants Drake to suck static cling. If this doesn't shut him up then Drake is worse than Satan and in the same boat as Zero Time The Pre-God God Hates So Much! And of course Drake arrives to ruin his fun with the punching glove gun which of course Sun Woo screws up badly. And despite that Sparky no sells it (YAY! I mean D'OH!) as Drake recoils the thing and cuts another full of himself promo and of course Drake's punch glove made Sparky take an ultra wussy bump into the atom smasher and we get the dramatic sequence as it explodes and the television go to dead status.
We cut to the future at a shop as the only fizzling television set left (the Super Stereo Giant Screen One when the screen was only 35 inches) spits Sparky and Drake out allowing them to take wussy bumps onto the floor. Par for the course for Sun Woo of course. Drake wonders what television show they are in and Sparky gets the GOOGLE EYES OF DOOM and exits stage left. Drake looks to the right and sees the human mob complete with televisions. Now this is funny and of course Drake runs like the wind (a westerly wind this time around) calling them beak-less mutants. I find that funny since he met the exact same kind of mutants in Smarter Than A Speeding Bullet and Planet of the Capes. Sure; they were roided freaks from the planet Mertz; but they were human without the powers. Logic Break #1 for the episode; but I'll accept it because it was funny anyway. Drake runs away to officially end the segment nine minutes in. Hey; this episode rocks my world...Then again; it's a Sparky focused episode so it is apporos for it not to suck....
After the commercial break; Drake actually doesn't run anymore as the overwhelming force of humans with television set paralyze him long enough to get mauled by the mob which of course cuts to the punchline joke where we see a woman complaining about weekend sales at the mall in a very weird visual gag. I don't get it guys let's move on as Drake blows them off because he's still full of himself as usual. And then some kids arrive and start playing with Drake's beak in a really funny spot which was one of the few spots Robot Chicken sucked at. You know; the one with Underdog. The swearing ruined it in that show; showing how swearing is not an automatic way of getting over with the viewer.
Drake blows it off because it's real and it is used to cut full of myself promos. Okay; I made the last part up. Black kid figures it out that it really is DARKWING..DUCK and the kids pop for him. Oh great; Cartoon Duck Syndrome is even invading the alternative earth version of earth. Drake of course reveals himself as such and the kids steal Drake's gay Zorro hat and start cutting full of themselves promos. Zoinks! Even the writers are basically admitting that Cartoon Duck Syndrome exists. If this show wasn't so good; it would be in the same boat as the Cramp Twins. And don't ask me if the kids are voiced by real kids or middle aged woman because I don't want to know. Although this may or may not be Cree Summer's Disney debut; but the black boy's voice isn't refined enough to prove that it's her. And for some odd reason; one of the kids sounds like R.J. Williams. I'll have to wait for the credits for evidence purposes. (Note from the Future: Yes; it was R.J. Williams in his final official appearance in Disney before going back to school and becoming a director and producer.)
The female fan wants Drake's autograph showing him the red pen and the blue book. They exchange notes and the white kid in this one does sound like R.J. Williams. Then again; I said that about Brother Bear in the Hanna Barbera version of the Bearstein Bears and was proven WRONG so there you go. The kids exchange notes with Drake making sure that it sounds so that they are talking like smart marks (to quote wrestling terminology.) They even go for the low blows in this one asking him about his job and how to pay the bills. Drake is shocked and appalled (in that order) after that spot. Drake wants to blow how they knew about him and black kid gives the best answer: They watch the damn show! HAHA! If only the wrestling bookers did the same thing; then their products would not suck. And then the kids realizes that DARKWING..DUCK is on and they bowl Drake over in a really apporos spot and watch on the television as it plays the short version of the opening on the television set inside the building. Sadly; if the writers knew how not to waste time; we would get the full opening and the full effect. Drake then realizes that it is him as he got his gay Zorro hat back now.
Drake walks forward as the kids look like zombies which is apparently a bad side effect of Cartoon Duck Syndrome; but it is hard to detect since it is usually seen in video game player. Oh come on; you knew that one was coming! Drake loves it until he realizes that he is a cartoon in a funny spot. Hey; at least you had new episodes in 1991 and had 91 of them unlike the better TaleSpin which only had 65 episodes and needed four years before anyone got over Cartoon Duck Syndrome and saw TaleSpin as the better series. Quack Pack helped a lot more of course; but the seeds of the smart fan was sown when Gargoyles showed up. More clips from the opening and of course Sun Woo screws up because Professor Morality was NEVER in the opening as we see Drake get MURDERED by a swinging Launchpad for his only appearance in this episode (and he gets paid as if it was a full episode according to SmearingGun.com. Why didn't Kit get the same deal when he appeared in Touch Of Glass?). Excellent bumping though as Drake blows off the animators for drawing his beak wrong.
The kids groan because they go to a commercial...after the opening? Must be some foreshadowing of the future of television. R.J. Williams sounding kid decides that they should go to the toy store and of course the kid bowl over Drake while Drake looks in the orange MIRROR OF VAINGLORIOUS. HAHA! I had to get some Lenneth Valkyrie wording into my rant somehow. Nice to see the kids display such poor manners but then I realize it's Drake Mallard so I really don't care. Drake sells like he's drunk and brainwashed. I guess Cartoon Duck Syndrome works on him now. And the mirror is shattered on his beak of course which is seven years of bad promo cutting plus beak matching blood. Drake goes to where the children are shouting and white kid comes out with a DARKWING..DUCK toy which is right in front of a cardboard cut out of Darkwing Duck. I figure Kit will steal that in order to beat on it so he doesn't get arrested for assaulting Drake and not wearing any pants while doing it. Look; I love Kit to death; but I'm not above using his as a cheapshot to further my mocking of Drake Mallard; so there you go. Drake realizes that he's a toy, a shirt, a board game and even more. Drake realizes that he is in paradise since in THE CITY OF SAINT CANARD; he's a nut in a mask and cape. Well; the most talented people do have the most insane thinking in the world; so this is apporos. Drake loves this until he sees the money in the cash register and realizes that he's NOT MAKING A DIME OFF OF IT. UH OH! I smell the old compensation for success lawsuit commencing. I knew Darkwing Duck would sell out..Then again; Drake sold out everyone who took this craft of animation seriously in DTVA so there you go. Drake grabs the DARKWING..DUCK doll to stop our kid shopper and demands to know who makes Darkwing Duck.
And since making Michael Eisner look bad is bad in a cartoon in which is on his watch; the black kid makes up a version of him called Thaddus Rockwell. Drake does the old Sezar promo (Methinks) from my AeroStar fanfics and decides to pay a visit to Mr. Rock. I hope he lays the smack down on Drake's candy ass; but the kids do it before he has a chance as they bowl Drake over because the commercial is over and the television set shows DARKWING..DUCK again. Drake blows off the spot; but doesn't blame the kids because it's their show they like to see. I'm sure Bart and Lisa were REALLY HAPPY to see Itchy & Scratchy turned to crap when the copyright holder sued the better writers over it. Just remember that Drake Mallard. We head to Thaddeus Rockwell Cartoons Inc. (complete with Darkwing Duck mascot building statue just to make the full of himself character even more obvious) as it looks like a compacted version of Warner Brothers. We head inside to the Cartoon Drawing room as various humans are drawing cartoons. Drake blows them all off because they are making money off of him and he's getting nothing in return. Drake meets with three of the animators which look similar to animators in real life; but I cannot put my finger on who they are. They scatter because there is a CARTOON DUCK THAT LOOKS LIKE DARKWING...DUCK walking in their presence and the storyboards go flying. Drake grabs one of them and blows them off because they cannot draw his beak right. Hey; blame Sun Woo for bad animation; not these guys. They are the ones who do the actual animation in DTVA. Drake goes to the desk as a female human woman is buried in the red book behind the desk. Oh swell; even she believes in that crap?! Gummi Bears, TaleSpin and now Darkwing Duck.
Drake demands to see Rockwell; and the female blows her off because he needs an appointment. Drake blows that off like an idiot because he doesn't need one. Why? Because he's DARKWING...DUCK and he's so full of himself. I'm amazed that he hasn't done anything REALLY STUPID yet. And just as I say that he does the REALLY STUPID thing by going to the door and the human version of Miss Snarly pushes the button and Drake gets squashed by the ANVIL OF NEIDHARTS. There goes the illusion of this being the real world that the writers were playing with at this point. And of course the anvil still doesn't stop Drake from cutting a full of himself promo. Miss Snarly II continues to be glued to the red book which proves that she is a big fan of the Liberal Party of Canada I guess. So Drake pushes the chair away from her desk and down the aisle of cartoon drawers. Well; at least Drake didn't touch her like Hotshot did last episode rant. Drake blows her off and it's off to Rockwell as we cut to a shot of the door as Rockwell is telling Crosby and Crosby is the writer who Rockwell is using his feet as a footstool as Rockwell counts the MONEY OF STINK.
Too funny as Rockwell's next Darkwing Duck adventure is the plot line for Apes of Wrath which was a near perfect episode. One small problem with the joke: Crosby is the nickname is Kevin Hopps who debuted as a character in this episode. I believe that he also voices him here and he's supposed to be the writer. While Crosby was involved in both this episode and Apes of Wrath which is what Rockwell is talking about here; Hopps was not the writer of either episode. He was the story editor in both. The joke should have someone named Ross doing the spot; but Dev Ross is female so that would be a problem and this was really the closest thing that they could do. A good joke and it works well; but it could have been perfect. Crosby gets kicked like a dog of course and I see why they didn't use Michael Eisner here. Drake looks shocked as Rockwell takes out the putter and it's time for Crosby to become DA...HOLE! God bless Baby Plucky for being more funny than ANYONE in Tiny Toons; including Adult Plucky. Rockwell does some putting and it's a perfect shot as it goes in DA....HOLE!! Rockwell loves business and Drake claps on that spot. Drake isn't amused as Rockwell and Crosby jump over the desk in a great spot and hide behind it. Rockwell wants to do what it is and Drake invokes the smoke cloud (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH AND MOVING RATING!) along with the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM at 13:37...So now you can blame Drake Mallard for creating one of the stupidest computer code words in replace of actual English to be used on the net:
Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the auditor who wants a look at your books.
WHAT?! No lawyer promo?! Just a lame violation of ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 (Thou shalt not rhyme. Because it's COOL!)?! This was supposed to be a lawsuit; and Drake doesn't even want to GO THERE?! Screw it fanboys; this episode was performing so well until right now. Drake wants his share of the profits because he's DARKWING..DUCK and Rockwell steals all his stuff because it belongs to him. You know; I'm on Rockwell's side in these matters because IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT DRAKE THINKS! Drake then has a meeting of the minds while saying heck in front of Mom and Dad. Oh come on censors. Let at least one cartoon duck say hell in vain for once. It's not like Xanatos needs to wait until 1994 to do it. Drake then threatens Rockwell in the least convincing matter (Geez; what a shock?!): Taking his life story to another cartoon studio.
Drake walks off the desk as he leaves because he is a greedy guts as Crosby seems to like this since he doesn't have to play DA...HOLE anymore which I hiss at because it was funny. And of course Rockwell does the tease no sell before throwing the profits away in a symbolic spot and running to Drake making sure to speak as many EVIL words as possible while grabbing Drake by the cheeks and the beak. This is too funny to watch as he hugs Drake like Kit Cloudkicker on a good day. Sadly; Rockwell is bigger than Drake; which means Drake gets his ribs broken I guess. Drake is taking this as well as you can imagine which is not at all and asks how he was created and it is time for the old flashback which if anything it was a good thing DTVA did it right because Seth Macfarlane drove this plot device to the ground in some fit of rage to bury anything good about cartoons. See; bad cartoons rule and give audiences a reason to watch them: cartoon fans to blow him off for bad spots; moralists for obscene content, trailer park fans because they are too stupid; and the rest of America because it is made in America of course.
We head to Rockwell's broken down apartment as he talks about the story of his life. It contains the struggling writer spots which include the rejection crashing spot with some nice selling and bumping from Rockwell. And of course it gets really silly as Rockwell sent for the alpha wave feedback machine which was supposed to make you more creative. Rockwell gets shocked of course because these products from the cereal boxes always were crappy and then the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM beckons in his head at 14:52 as Drake calls the winged scourge promo as we go back to the real world and the rest is history as Drake now has the alpha wave helmet Rockwell is wearing. Well; that is just peachy as it proves only one thing: Drake is REALLY STUPID. As least we know why.
Rockwell puts on the helmet as Crosby tells Drake that Rockwell found out about him when he tuned the thing like a radio into his own world of QUACKERIA. Drake then blows the whole thing off because all he did was steal stuff from the real Drake. Well; that is a real creative way to plagiarize omeone; I'll give Rockwell that. And it's the funniest as Drake demands payment and how to get back to his world as he hold out his hand. Rockwell no sells the second part because he doesn't know and Drake is screwed when Crosby states the obvious. HAHA! Sadly; we don't know if he would sell the first part of the demand; although Rockwell seems more willing to do that one at least. Drake thinks that it's not so bad to stay here forever...until he gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and he does a pretty funny faint bump to end the segment fifteen and a half minutes in. Other than the unfunny promo; this is almost flawless episode thus far. Although; I have said that about five other episodes and we all know what happened afterward....
After the commercial break; it is nightfall as the dark blue sky not matches the blue floor cover underneath (what is with Sun Woo's coloring department today?) as Drake is sitting on the desk sulking. Rockwell tries to cheer him up because this is the start of a big career for Drake Mallard. Drake wants to know how big and Rockwell butters him up with various great deals including a pond for him to splash in. Drake holds onto the window and looks pissed off after the duck pond suggestion. Drake lets him have it after Rockwell talks about overhead because he's...he's..NORMAL....And he still couldn't shine up Ammonia Pine's boots on that spot from Dirty Money. See; Drake is nothing without real super villains to defeat which is fine by me since that means he can no longer bury them. And of course it doesn't build much sympathy heat for Drake because Gizmo Duck is looking much cooler the more I watch Drake since Fenton is basically a much funnier version of Drake who starred in a much better cartoon.
Not better than TaleSpin like many suggest; but still. And finally; here comes the Liberal loving female book reader as she goes to the television and turns it on. Apparently; the police of the real world are ticked off because Sparky is holding the city under siege and they think it's one of Rockwell's stunts. He is on the television building called KTVS which is almost WTBS which is Peach Tree Television now. Sparky shoots at the police to hold them off including shooting at the helicopter in some good spots from Sun Woo. The television announcer does the old “Who'll save the city?” promo as Sparky nails the television set to disable the signal. The television goes into fizzle and Drake is ready because it's time to Let's Get Dangerous about 17 minutes in. Drake uses the cape to bring out the scene changer and it's off to the top of the KTVS building as Sparky continues to shoot the weird nosed freaks in his own words of course. Drake of course blows him off as he is about 20 feet away from him on the left side as he cuts his usual full of himself promo. Now this will make sure NO ONE thinks of him as fake..except for me because I'm a realist see. I live on the Kit Cloudkicker belief system see. And then Sparky grabs onto Drake's leg and thanks him for rescuing him. OH GOD NO! DON'T YOU DARE BURY HIM THIS WAY!! Sparky even kisses Drake's feet for more forgiveness and promises never to zap him again?! NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I never thought they would find a way to bury Sparky; but the writers found a way without even having Drake doing it. Sparky was doing just fine in his new digs and then he turns all wussy?! I don't buy it for one second and this is just terrible! The so called best episode just turned into the sixth straight episode where the writers got way too cute for their own good and write a spot where there is no build and no reason whatsoever for Sparky to turn all wussy.
Drake slaps Sparky silly because this is ruining his reputation. So they made Sparky wussy in order to get Drake to put him over; when Sparky was ALREADY OVER BEFORE the spot?! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid..Did I mention stupid?! Okay; let's move on and not speak of it again; shall we?! They exchange notes as of course Sparky's nose is drawn wrong. Baloo must be so pleased to see them recycle that spot. Drake goes for the Wizard of Oz reference just to annoy me and then Sparky sobs right on cue with the green hanky. Oh please Sparky; you're supposed to be the manly villain of this whole series. Let Bushroot do that spot since he has less cred as a monster heel. Sparky then gives anyway the whole MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN to return; but he cannot go back because he cannot find the right signal to get home. Drake then decides to finally accept defeat...until Crosby and Rockwell arrive climbing up (with Crosby bouncing like a Gummi Bear I should note) and gives them Saint Canard...THE MUSICAL! HAHA! Well; Rockwell and Crosby are still ruling my world in this one so it's all for the best as we cut back to inside the theater (with the outside shot of the fans coming in) as Drake is tied to a rope and is going through his lines and looks REALLY STUPID doing them. Drake blows off the writers because they are making him look REALLY STUPID.
Drake equals Fundie in the sense of irony department as he tears up the book and then goes into a tailspin on the ropes while saying D'OH! (BWHAHAHAHAHA!) Homer Simpson (To Drake Mallard): YOU SUCK DIDDLY-YUCK! Drake complains about the ropes and Rockwell appears to tell him that they are there because flying makes the show better I guess. Rockwell pushes Drake away like a swing towards the top of the suspension bridge as Drake blows off Rockwell. In comes Sparky as he complains about using a prop lightning bolt (which is drawn wrong of course) because he has the power to light up Broadway. Rockwell uses the fire extinguisher to put a stop to the real thunder bolts because of fire regulations. Aren't there fire regulations against using that kind of hair style he's wearing there Rockwell. The people outside are giving them heat which means that it is showtime as Rockwell leaves and the curtain opens for Act One of DARKWING..DUCK MUSICIAL: REASON #1 WHY HIGH SCHOOL MUSICIAL DESTROYED ANIMATION! No, not really. I just had to get that cheap shot in.
Drake gets pushed by Rockwell behind the suspension bridge and Drake goes for his worked lines of course. And they still pop him? I guess Larson and Gary got into the business of IQ lowering drugs too which makes sense for their schemes of steroid making too. Drake shows some effort because he's full of himself and Sparky shows no effort because he knows this SUCKS DIDDLY YUCK! Rockwell yells at him; so Sparky shows more effort like a pussy and then throws the fake thunderbolt like a girl. Drake takes it right in the can...or would have if Sun Woo didn't miss it by three inches. Drake sells it anyway and the suspension bridge falls down which at least makes sense here given the blown spot. Drake dangles on the ropes in mid-air of course as the bridge does a wussy bump in squashing Sparky. I guess even the props think this idea sucks. This episode is dying before it's eyes once again and this time because it's so dull and boring. Drake bumps into everything and the whole show is destroyed of course after just one minute of inaction. Even the Inaction Heroes had more feeling than this.
The public is laughing like a group of fans after seeing Hollywood Hogan unintentionally setting his face on fire with the fireball during a match against The Ultimate Warrior in WCW. Rockwell is not happy to see this as Drake breaks through the back green curtain and cuts a paper or plastic promo. Drake gets MURDERED by the spotlights in a really good bump though as the fans pop. Welcome to the first stages of Cartoon Syndrome as Rockwell and Crosby feel pretty good about the public's reaction to THAT spot. Rockwell now believes that he can cancel the stupid series and never wear that stupid helmet anymore. Kind of like being a wrestler who wakes up in the morning and realizes that he doesn't have to wrestle anymore to draw money. Drake pops up from the carnage and realizes that the helmet is the ticket home.
So we cut to the transmission tower as it is a dark and stormy night. Geez; doesn't that write itself?! Sparky is wearing the helmet in the same spot they were when Sparky was zapping the police earlier. Nice CONTINUITY from the writers there as Drake has the jumper cables as he explains the plan to Sparky. Rockwell tells Drake not to destroy the helmet because then he cannot make any new episodes. Drake blows it off with the best question of the episode: Why not try to be original? Geez; speak for yourself Drake Mallard. Rockwell thinks about it and then blows off Drake because he's a lunatic. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Drake attaches the jumper cables to the ears of the helmet. Nowadays; those things would be attached to the groin; assuming the roids haven't destroyed them in the process. Sparky is so HAPPY because he's going home to doing evil things like a super villain does as Drake blows him off. Sparky then does the BOOT OF DEATH and boots Drake right off the tower to gain all his heat back lost earlier in the episode. I take everything I said about Sparky being a wuss back; he was faking it ALL ALONG! HA HA!
Drake then grabs the gas gun; along with the plunger. D'OH! I knew that plunger would get involved in this episode again as Drake shoots the grappling plunger gun right onto Sparky as the thunderstorm nails Sparky and the plunger attaches to Sparky allowing Drake to be hit with the energy and they both disappear back into their world of Saint Canard. And the helmet gets destroyed by banging against the metal tower of course as Rockwell whines and cries about being ruined. HAHA! Enjoy your trip back to humble mid card hell there Rocko! Rockwell leaves as Crosby then hears a voice...Monteray Jack...FROM CHIP & DALE'S RESCUE RANGERS! And it is coming out of the damaged helmet which means it isn't completely busted. If only it was. Chip gets involved and it's RESCUE RANGERS AWAY! And I'll be waiting for them after I finish this volume of DARKWING...DUCK. Crosby calls that a cartoon show. I think Greg Weissman, Mark Zaslove and Jymn Magon might have something to say about that as well as me.
We cut back to Herb Muddlefoot on his couch (with the feet on the coffee table because Drake is poisoning him of course) eating popcorn. Herb claims that sitting too close to the television makes him really feel close to the action. And the television blows up in his face of course (OUCH!) as his couch gets tipped over and Herb has the bowl of popcorn all over his kisser. Oh well; you knew he couldn't get away with greatness with Drake around. Speaking of Drake; he and Sparky are on the floor as Drake blows Sparky off with the usual full of himself promo as Sparky dives into the wires again. He tries to surf to escape; but Drake grabs the wire next to the plug to stop him. Umm; why not just unplug the device Drake?!
That's the second logic break in the entire episode as Sparky surfs back and goes into the light bulb and he is caught forever more. Drake unscrews the bulb to complete the screwing of Sparky for this episode (Nice creative finish guys) as Drake blows off Sparky as he wants to see a toy company because he's so full of himself. Circle fade out to end the episode at 21:08. See; now this is what the writers SHOULD be doing for this series. No overkill; excellent spots; funny stuff that could only be done this way and excellent animation for the most part from Sun Woo. A few logic breaks and a few blown spots prevent a perfect episode. And they managed to get all of Sparky's heat back after nearly burying him which was a smart writing decision as well. By the way; in the end credits; RJ Williams isn't there; but Tress MacNeille's name isn't there either despite clearing hearing Chip's voice near the end. And Sun Woo actually had credit names for this episode too . **** ¾ ( 95%)
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; the streak of bad endings ends at five although they almost went to six with Megavolt turning all wussy in the third act. However; the writers managed to give him all his heat back near the end and make it worthwhile. Actually; this episode was near perfect outside of a few blown spots and only two logic breaks. The whole Drake going into the real world was downright funny at times that I was spitting out my drink in laughter. I thought it worked a lot better with real kids instead of the Robot Chicken version with adults because there was no swearing and no over the top stuff. As much as I like Robot Chicken; this was better since it wasn't complete overkill and it was funny; more so on Drake's job. Rockwell was actually a pretty good tweener in this one along with the one joke Crosby as they came off as just solid business man who were not really vile; but not saints by any means. Hey; when you are handling Drake Mallard, being nice with him just isn't going to do.
The references to television were very well done for the most part and about 75% of them were not dated. The Opal Windbag one was priceless for obvious reasons since a lot of people know who Opera is now; but didn't know what she was back then (another syndicated talk show host without a massive attitude which hasn't really changed much actually). Sparky was excellent as usual; although he scared me in the beginning of Act three; but redeemed himself in the end. I got to admit; this is the third three writer episode that I have seen that I actually thought was excellent. Next up will scare me in a bad way and that's Dances With Bigfoot. Well; the not suck episode streak might finally come to an end at six. So...
Thumbs up for this episode and I'll see you all next time.