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Dances With Bigfoot
This is what happens when you watch too many Crimson Avenger episodes.
Oh boy; let's get this one over with shall we?
The episode is written by Ellen Svaco and Colleen Taber . The story editor is Steve Roberts....This one is animated by Sun Woo and I'm really getting steamed over the use of these hit or miss companies.
We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM as we have birds chirping and zero music. We head inside as we see Drake (in regular clothes) reading the newspaper as Gosalyn is now THE CRIMSON AVENGER~! I betcha the conversation between Svaco and Taber went like: Hey! Cubbi was so over as the Crimson Avenger; then let's make Gosalyn into one. One small problem: Cubbi had the babyface spunk behind it. Gosalyn's too close to being a heel to attempt that. Therefore; it merely makes Gosalyn look like a complete tool rather than being cool like Cubbi was. Thankfully; the producers scrapped this idea after this episode and gave her a real superhero/super villain personality that was really cool: Quiver Wing Quack along with her sidekick Arrow Kid. One guess who is Arrow Kid..but that's another rant. And of course; the episode goes down the crapper right away as Gosalyn complains about not going with Drake on a mission. See; Launchpad is on vacation (which means Launchpad is the smartest person in this entire episode already.) and Gosalyn wants to learn his secrets. Drake blows it off because she doesn't have any experience. Geez; how much experience do you need to cut full of yourself promos and being REALLY STUPID Drake?!
Crimson Gosalyn uses the putty knife (Oh lord..) to slice Drake's newspaper in half as she has ingenuity? Of course; Jesse would call that cheating and illegal use of a foreign object. Finally; I can spell that word. Too bad international object sounds a lot funnier. She gets on the coffee table and cuts a full of herself promo which really makes Drake look bad. Okay; she's trying and doing well at it; but the real crap is coming soon enough. She's called the Crimson Quackette. Yeah; and we wonder why it never got over?! Drake blows off her suggestion that the place is booby-trapped. She might be unable to make a peanut butter sandwich; but she makes Drake look REALLY STUPID as he walks on the red carpet and it rolls itself up and rolls Drake inside into the next room with a decent bump. Nice to see Sun Woo is on it's best behavior in this episode. We cut to the door as Drake has one foot on the left side and one foot on the right side as he demands Gosalyn to help him which Gosalyn mocks (What's the magic word? GROUNDED!!) and Drake answers with fury. We then head inside the lab (I think) as Drake is reading the LIBERAL RED BOOK OF LIES THE BETTY CROCKER SUPER HERO EDITION~! Oh great; even our favorite cake maker is in league with them. I knew Twitching Channels would be hazardous to Drake's health (as if being REALLY STUPID was bad enough.)
Drake is reading a recipe for freeze gas (since this is a Gas Gun Recipe... HAR HAR!!) while wearing the gas mask which is one part nitrogen and two parts gingivitis. I can smell a Patriot Act violation happening to this episode as we speak. Sadly; Taber and Svaco have already lived out their usefulness as writers to do any further damage than they already caused. He go to the table and then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY as there is a microphone in his lab. Drake claims to being bugged. Well; after all the full of himself comments, I would do the same thing. Sadly; I'm not the one who planted the microphone. I betcha he follows the cord and finds Gosalyn in the living room behind the couch..I check the DVD; and boy that was too predictable to even follow. Well not really; as Drake goes out the window and up the ladder while cutting his usual VOICEOVER OF DOOM promo and none of it is funny. Of course it's Gosalyn below the covers listening to a radio system that is much too expensive even for me. Gosalyn does the what response and I blame her for Steven Austin starting that crap in the WWE. Scene changer ensues as Gosalyn is in bed seemly not caring about Drake's lecture. Gosalyn goes to sleep behind Drake's back and snores just to annoy him. If she did that to him about 20 episodes ago; it would have been funny. Now Drake is pretty...happy and declares that she wore herself out and leaves. Wow! Make Gosalyn look weak while making yourself weaker Drake; how nice. Then again; the writers knew that trying pathos in this series is poison so at least they are moving this episode along.
Morning arises and out comes Gosalyn into the living room rubbing her eyes to get the sleep out. Gosalyn goes to Drake's room and knocks on the door gently using her cute voice and then KNOCKS THE DOOR DOWN like it's her witch. First good spot of the episode by the way and good animation from Sun Woo. Gosalyn sounds like she's going to maul Drake; but then she stops and realizes that Drake is not here at all. Gosalyn thinks he's gone on a mission because he never wakes up before noon and goes to the closet to check his gear...and it's still there. Gosalyn grabs Drake's gay Zorro hat and claims to smell trouble. Geez Gos; I smell trouble alright and it's in this episode. Scene changer and in comes Honker for the first time since Heavy Mental and wants answers to Gosalyn's sudden change in behavior. Gosalyn (now dressed as the Crimson Quackette- no logic break since she probable got dressed when she was calling Honker) bounces around and destroyed Drake's room for clues of course. Nice CONTINUITY from the animator on the broken door by the way; but Logic Break #1 for the episode beckons as the blow gun just magically shows up in front of Honker.
Gosalyn grabs it and calls it a flute and declares that Drake's been kidnapped by the Saint Canard Jazz Ensemble. Now that would be a quality storyline; but it isn't true because apparently; the cliché volcano native angle is BS&P. Honker thankfully corrects Gosalyn (I think. I was hoping that he wouldn't.) and Gosalyn does some more checking calling it a loblolly pipe which OpenOffice doesn't see as a word. Bad form there Gosalyn Waddlemayer-Mallard. Honker keeps correcting her and Gosalyn gives the blow gun back to him while trying to bully him. Honker thankfully doesn't sell it much this time. Gosalyn does the dog sniffing spot (EWWW!) and even she thinks this spot stinks. Gosalyn thinks it's knockout gas; but Honker corrects it as the bottle of cheap cologne. It's basically the same thing Honker; if you watch that golf commercial where everything gets knocked out due to the smelling of the armpits. Yeah; it doesn't make any sense; but don't most commercials? Why else do we hate them?! Gosalyn agrees with me on this one and goes to the window and sees that the tree has grown close to the house. Geez; how contrived can you get?! Gosalyn's next contrived detective work is checking the uprooted tree with the magnifying glass and it's termites this time. Wow; Gosalyn's detective makes more sense; but the writers of course are going for COMEDY BABY and therefore logic and sense doesn't apply.
Honker thinks those termites are big as they leave bigger footprints than usual. Now it would have been funny is they indicated Herb Muddlefoot as the kidnapper (just to see Honker's reaction); but of course they go for the unfunny spot of Bigfoot kidnapping Drake (with Gosalyn showing the comic book to further annoy me.) . Thankfully; Honker stands up for me and of course Gosalyn blows it off because she is a media zombie (getting on the uprooted tree to further annoy me). Just like most people who like Cartoon Ducks, Wrestling and Bratz. Honker looks at the blow gun and there is something written on it. Gosalyn thinks they are written in funny symbols (if this were Japanese this show would be banned for making fun of the Japanese. Heck; Anime purists are the LAW MAN of Japan. Look how they treated Cloverway after their adventures with Japanese symbols in Sailor Moon S.) and guess what is written on it: Please Return to Bigfoot Tribe, Pacific Northwest..IN ENGLISH! Gosalyn was reading it upside down as Honker states and Gosalyn blows it off like Drake with a super ball stuck up his ass. Okay; now I'm getting the point here: Gosalyn is Darkwing Duck and Honker is Launchpad.
And somehow; they are even WORSE than both of them. I would like to think that there is some message of being something that you're not; but I doubt it will even come into play knowing Cartoon Duck Syndrome Writers. Gosalyn declares that the Pacific Northwest is where they are going and Honker asks her the obvious question: How to get there with Launchpad (who was smart enough not to get involved in this episode.)? Gosalyn of course ponders and has a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN in action...Oh boy...We head to Drake's hideout and Gosalyn and Honker are inside the Thunder Quack and we get the old sequence as they push buttons and put on their scarfs. Oh boy; Kit must be gnashing teeth after seeing that spot even though he knows that there is nothing he can do about it. Eisner: You must be FUN-NIE! Get it through your thick skull! I can just hear it now. Gosalyn pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) and the ejection seats eject out of the Thunder Quack and the Thunder Quack flies away. Gosalyn blows that mistake off as we head back into the living room of Drake's house. Honker's sitting on the couch as Gosalyn mops around wondering how they are going to find Drake now. And then the television is on as Gosalyn hits the remote (Sun Woo screws up the spot by three inches) and in comes the commercial for Dottie Debson's Dirigble Driving School. OH..MY..GOD!! So Spongebob SquarePant's driving school was stolen from this show?! I feel so betrayed.
Dobbie Debson is a pink sweater, goggle wearing female duck voiced by Ruth Buzzi and it you watch enough Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts then you know her routine: She complains; then the roaster in question fires back with a zinger and then Ruth responds by MURDERING the roaster with the LOADED PURSE OF DOOM. I'm serious folks; that is what she does. She was also in two early episodes of You Can't Do That On Television and was recently in the movie Fallen Angels in 2006 and the television show Come on Over in 2007. Yikes! I cannot believe she is still around in show business. She sounds terrible in this one as her laughing is contrived during the ad. Anyhow; Gosalyn's next MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN is to get free driving lessons at this driving school and run a zepplin to find Drake.
So we head to the air (with lots of clouds and yellow balloons carrying pylons) as Gosalyn is flying the small hot air balloon using the WHEEL OF MORALITY and Dottie keeps bugging her. Now that's the Ruth Buzzi I remember. Sadly; since Gosalyn is a child; there will be no purse swinging in this show. Dottie then bails through the trap door after they are near the power line. She goes into her parachute and it works without any further incident. And yes; she is barefoot for the zero of you who care. Gosalyn pulls up on the wheel (she was watching TaleSpin and the only one giving respect in spite of the writers) and gets the balloon above the power lines. The question was how they would break logic again and they avoided it altogether which is a good thing thank you very much. And of course they are nearing a mountain cliff complete with badly drawn spike which the Balloon misses by a mile; but Gosalyn and Honker still jump off anyway and falls into the river. WHAT?! This makes no sense since the Balloon was not in danger to do any damage whatsoever and if they jumped they would crash themselves against the rocks. Logic Break #2 for the episode. If you think it's bad now; wait until the plot holes and logic breaks really start mounting up. And for all that; it was all for not because they only made it about thirty miles from Saint Canard Towers.
They rushed a spot just so it would fail completely to make a joke that wasn't funny?! UGH! We head back to Drake's house and Gosalyn has a new MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN: Buy a ticket for a bus or plane. Honker thinks that's bad because they don't have money to buy a stamp. Gosalyn then gets off her newest catchphrase: I got a brain storm coming...and Honker disappoints me by claiming that Gosalyn thinks that it's a good idea. Memo to Honker: Rebecca just called...Well; she would have called if Eisner didn't cut the telephone lines: You're supposed to say: And me without my umbrella. So now we head to the same place as from the episode Bearskin Thug as a mail carrier (dogperson) carrying a large box to the wooden gate in which Gosalyn and Honker are struggling to get into position inside the box. We get a boring exchange between mail carrier (Jim Cummings) and the Ranger (a badly drawn Goofy- Must be Goof Troop Audition night) and then Gosalyn and Honker do the double feet walk away spot which fails since they crash into a rock which Sun Woo screws up badly.
Well; that is that for my good graces for Sun Woo in this episode. Ranger blows the whole thing off as a bad book club day and Honker and Gosalyn disappear into the woods. Gosalyn and Honker start searching the tall grass and Honker screams like a baby and leaves. Gosalyn blows him off because she sees it as a harmless twig..and of course it's a real snake and Gosalyn screams and runs away like the wind a northwesterly wind this time around. That was just there to suck and waste more time. More walking in the woods at dark as Gosalyn has the map and complaining about being lost. She wonders what Drake would do in this situation basically admitting that she was trying to be like him. Well; first do the VOICEOVER OF DOOM and then cut a full of yourself promo. That's how Drake does it; otherwise lose the gayer Zorro outfit and be yourself.
We get the educational line of the episode (I could determine our position from the position of the North Star) and of course Honker blows off Gosalyn's suggestion that the North Star is moving because it's the Balloon from previous. Yeah; they did a horrible contrived spot in order to set up an even more contrived spot?! Consider this Darkwing Duck fans: If you think I'm harsh on this show; then you better hope I never rant on Quack Pack because lord knows if I go into fits after watching one minute of that. Or worse: rant on Ducktales: The Bubba Duck Era. Gosalyn then goes to the map and it reads that they are over a quicksand pile. OH NO! NOT THAT SPOT AGAIN! It's too old for this show and should die a horrible death. Gosalyn and Honker sink and scream to end the segment eight minutes in. AND I'M SICK OF THIS EPISODE ALREADY! It's not even a quicksand moat; more like a mud moat.
After the commercial break; we continue with that stupid quicksand spot of course as Gosalyn finally cuts her first full of herself promo at the nine minute mark and unveils her gas gun. Well; Drake's was still at home so Gosalyn stole it probably in revenge for stealing her jackhammer in the episode I dare not say because it is the first negative star episode in DTVA history. It's the old grappling hook gun Kit used in Plunder and Lightning Part One and she does a good job in lassoing two trees. And then she blows the second full of herself promo (by panicking) and that allows the trees to uproot and squash Gosalyn and Honker flat. Now you know how Drake feels Gosalyn. Gosalyn and Honker strain onto the downed trees and crawl to safety as Gosalyn complains that it is no use. Okay; now she's into whining like a sour puss. Why are they burying Gosalyn in this episode? I can understand Drake doing it because he has super powers; but what is the writers excuse?
Gosalyn is ready to admit defeat and then smells Drake's cheap smell of course. And then we hear Drake Mallard scream that he cannot take it anymore....badly..Man; R.J. Williams has the best acting ability when it comes to torture spots because all the others suck badly at it. I bet Janna could do that spot as Gosalyn and Honker hide behind a fern which would be MURDERED if it was ever near Stephen Colbert. Sadly; he's too worried about the writers and crying that he couldn't get on the ballot to care. We go to the shot and it's a native village. Oh boy..I do not like where this is going. Gosalyn and Honker do the Art of Not Being Seen In The Shadows By Crawling spot. And somehow; NO ONE IS THERE despite at least of them being still in plain view for him to see THEM. Logic Break #3 for the episode. Gosalyn and Honker make it to DA..HOLE! (God bless Baby Plucky!) and Drake continues to scream...badly...as Gosalyn and Honker peep in DA...HOLE! And see that Drake is just being patted down and worshipped like God more or less by three lady natives. All of them are cats apparently and are wearing 1990's clothes (except for the fat one who's wearing closer to 1900's clothes).
Okay; I mean there has got to be some major contradiction to Native American here when some of the male natives are wearing traditional clothes (from what I can see); but then with Svaco and Taber I guess the irony is lost on them. Why does the middle one look like a recycled Dottie Debson?! And why should I care?! And then Gosalyn ties Kit Cloudkicker by literally saying that they are treating him like a god. And Gosalyn really does say god here. And Gosalyn sezs it in the correct context; unlike Kit who said it in vain. Sadly; that means this episode is really going to suck as Gosalyn blows Drake off for acting like a sissy. Honker sneaks his hand into the honey pot and licks his hand. It apparently has too much oregano; but that doesn't matter because Gosalyn has to save him now because they are trying to marinate him. Gosalyn doesn't get it because she wasn't invited to the wedding. Honker correct her AGAIN! How can you make THAT simple mistake?! Honker takes out his red book of history and gets off direct god reference number two. Wow; I didn't think Disney would allow it. Scratch one more off the list of evidence I can use against anime purists. Nice animation by Sun Woo when Gosalyn grabs Honker and bullies him because they need to save him. Why is she calling him Honk? He's not the Honky Tonk Man; that's Gorillia Mansoon's gimmick to say that. Honk (oh great?! Now I'm saying it) gets dropped like a bad habit and Gosalyn does the dog digging spot because nothing sezs buried like a dog digging spot. And that leads to a BUGS BUNNY SPOT OUT OF CONTROL!! Logic Break #4 and #5 for the episode since the hole beside them is completely gone and they wouldn't have see Drake at that angle anyway.
You thought that I forgot that didn't I?! Oh; and this is not an allusion to hentai in the recycled animation of the scene no siree! In fact; the whole spot is as close to hentai as Disney would allow now that I think about it. Gosalyn whisper yells at Drake (So we got to that level of the character at least) which Drake somehow hears (to quote Bill Cosby: Yeah right!) so Drake claps and the three native female tenderizers leave the scene now with better and different animations. Now you know this episode sucks. Drake uses the towel on his private parts (pointless since there's nothing to show and we have already seen kids with no pants; and in Cubbi's case nothing at all in previous series!) and we go to the far shot of the Bugs Bunny Spot which allows Gosalyn to pop out of course. Drake demands to know what she is doing here? I would add: wearing that stupid not over outfit....but Drake is full of himself so it doesn't happen. Gosalyn then cuts her full of herself promo just to annoy me. Memo to the writers: I know Drake has buried a lot of characters in this series; but having Gosalyn bury Drake is not the answer here. It's revenge see; and revenge only amounts to encouraging Drake to bury characters faster and harder. Just so you like to know. I see Honker has magically appeared with Gosalyn; but since the hole is big enough for him there is no logic break there.
Gosalyn even brought his Zorro gear; how cute..NOT! I betcha Drake blows Gosalyn off here. I check the DVD...and of course he does cutting his full of himself promo and getting off god reference #3. Now will they take his name in vain in this episode and surpass Kit Cloudkicker? 1:1 odds say they don't. See; the native like Drake and think of him as being one of their gods. Well; he is a god of himself and the god of stupidity so I can see why they like Drake. Drake even shows his pillar of strength (and thankfully for me; he's on bottom.) to prove his point. Can you spot the obvious plot hole here? Umm; how did they KIDNAP HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?! AND HOW DID THEY GET HIM HERE?! I'll let you know if they explain it here; but with Svaco and Taber around I doubt it. Honker and Gosalyn pull him back from the door and Gosalyn blows him off getting off two more god references. Just for reference; she is not saying spirit here: She's is really saying god. So; do not get any ideas here you sick freaks! Drake is the snack god and he's the favorite meal of the glutton god. Honker basically tells him that he's volcano chow and Drake actually sells fear....for about five seconds as he finally no sells and pushes the babyfaces away and tells them that he will settle this right now. Drake storms out of the tent and goes to the dumb native guard (who magically reappears now.
Logic Break #6 for the episode) who is wearing traditional native clothes. Now do you see the contradiction here of trying to make the females PC while keeping the males as stereotypes?! And you thought Lost Horizons was bigotry on parade? At least the pymites were constant stereotypes. And of course the guard speaks another dialect (what a shock?) and Drake doesn't understand him. Memo to Drake: Have Honker with you when you want to settle with people who DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH! Otherwise; it makes you look really stupid and really bad in the process. Drake blows him off and steals his spear and then draws himself next to a drawing a volcano using the most simple of words that even he should be angry that Drake is using. Native Guard makes a makeshift volcano and then dumps the DARKWING..DUCK DOLL OF DOOM into it; and we get the eruption of doom to make Drake scared again. Okay that was funny. Notice how little I have said that in this episode. So they stole a doll Drake was marketing for the toy stories in Twitching Channels? Works for me...Gosalyn blows Drake off as Drake storms back into the tent like he's mad (for what? Gosalyn and Honker telling the truth.) as Gosalyn and Honker sit on the bench while Drake cuts a full of himself promo...and disappear into a cloud of smoke (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH AND MOVIE RATING!)..and then reappears on a rock outside with a cloud of smoke (When you are on ice you shoot it twice!) and does his dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM at 12:06....
Darkwing: I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the ingrown toenail in your party pumps!
Ewwwwwwwwwww Drake...! And they don't wear shoes so the promo is completely pointless. And notice the male natives in this sequence are the exact same character. Memo to writers: It's 1991; you can make the male look different and still be funny. And of course they are as stupid as Drake is because it doesn't take much to amuse them. Gosalyn and Honker sneak up to Drake with the BUSHES OF SHAME complete with leg sneaking spot to annoy me. Gosalyn pops up and claims that she has a Native To English dictonary to translate everything. Gosalyn whispers to Drake and does the spot properly for a change. The Native Guards split and in comes the High Chief of The Natives who has a stereotypical bone across his nose and a deer skull helmet. He's dark brown just to make sure that the deaf and dumb society knows that he is the chief. Drake says his peace with the BABY TALK OF DEATH and the natives pop for that one. Drake wants answers to Gosalyn as she says it means to not throw him into the volcano. Honker of course claims it means Drake is not afraid to fight them. I take Honker's side on this one. Drake doesn't like that one so Gosalyn steals the comic book back from Honker and looks mean. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Like that would ever work in that outfit?!
Gosalyn proclaims that if you win the challenge; then Drake is spared the volcano. The High Chief walks forward in a pretty scary spot (I guess the natives are really badly drawn bunny rabbits I guess) and accepts Drake's challenge according to Gosalyn. Gosalyn tells him the choices which are to escape the inescapable pit of death (after five god references; they finally get their first death reference) which Drake slumps; or face Born With Delicate Bone Structure the Brave Warrior which Drake gets up because he thinks it will be easy. Drake cuts a full of himself promo and blows off Gosalyn even to the point of telling Honker to catch her if she faints. That is the meanest comments I have ever heard from Drake to Gosalyn since Getting Antsy. Drake jumps off the stump and shadow punches before kunckling up as the natives separate and allow Born With Delicate Bone Structure to arrive; who just happens to be a ROIDED version of the rank in file natives. How original...NOT! I never realized how much scope Larson and Gary had in their research...and it's even more painful to see Native Americans using steroids to get ahead.
Drake is SHOCKED AND APPALLED (in that order) as he cuts a promo which actually puts BWDBS fist over (casaba melons- well at least Open Office knows that word.) and I bet he either runs away or gets MURDERED by said fists. And of course they do the most boring of them all...NEITHER! Drake and BWDBS circle around (with a ring around as a barrier by the natives) and this is like a UFC match with Ken Shamrock. Drake of course goes for the cheap shot which is the gas gun ; making BWDBS the babyface by default and tells him to suck gas. Memo to Drake: BWDBS lives on steroids; he cannot be a Neanderthal. And of course it's filled with quicksand. Wow; nice CONTINUITY from the writers for a change as Gosalyn mentions it from the bushes while Drake gets MURDERED by BWDBS. Gosalyn wants a diversion and she know who to go to. Honker said to not look at him and we get the scene changer so that we see three natives laughing it up and the bushes are directly behind him and out pops Honker telling them to look at him. Okay; that's the third funny spot of the episode as Honker uses the flashlight to scare them; but they no sell and counter with the spotlight from the High Chief. That's the first too funny spot of the entire episode nearly fifteen minutes in. And we head to Drake getting wheeled by BWDBS because even he knows that Drake as an international object equals funny.
He punts Drake into the air and where he lands I don't really care as BWDBS grabs Drake by the neck and wants to go to the POWER OF THE PUNCH; but gets knocked out with the tree which came OUT OF NOWHERE and goes into Logic Break #7 for the episode. Drake steps on his cheat and declares victory even though he did NOTHING...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING to earn it. And of course it was Gosalyn using the saw on a dead tree to cut the wood down to nail BWDBS. Well; at least he lived up to his name; I'll give Born With Delicate Bone Structure that. The Natives run like mad and they carry Drake onto his shoulder after Drake winks at Gosalyn and cuts another full of himself promo as he is carried to the chief and he begins talking. The editing here is worse than some TaleSpin episodes on a bad day (and they were more entertaining than this one) as Drake goes to Gosalyn for translation and tells him that this is the final test....and Drake doesn't like it as he's got the bad blood shot eyes and he's cutting the VOICEOVER OF DOOM promo that I hate so much. And of course it's the dreaded dance marathon! Okay; that is really funny and Drake gets the fat one of the tribe of course. The music plays and Drake shall DANCE, DANCE, DANCE TO HIS DOOM. HEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA! The yellow hair one is dancing for no reason and I guess BWDBS is still out. Where's the Dottie Debson rabbit reject? (Check the feet for those who want to know I'm referring to them as rabbit) And why are there two yellow hair clones? Logic Break #8 for the episode as this episode is trying to be funny; but it's losing badly. The dance sequence is actually boring as Drake and fat native girl doesn't do as much as a fling that goes nowhere; and there is more time spent looking at the clock spinning it's arms rather than the action.
Now you know Sun Woo sucks as an animator when Disney doesn't even have the confidence to do a dance spot. Even more so when TaleSpin's version completely MURDERS it in every way. Although; it was WD-Japan doing that one so there you go. More dancing from Drake as fat chick is completely out; but the regular native/yellow hair chick keep going and going. Drake claims that he cannot make it so Gosalyn pops out and does the blow dart to Drake's ass and that jumps starts them back to normal again. Is Gosalyn buying steroids now; or am I seeing things again?! Drake throws her again in a flourish and the High Chief comes over and puts the flower ring over his neck and says: Dances With Bigfoot! I guess that means Drake wins the test as the natives pop. Logic Break #9 beckons as there are two fat females now. WHY CAN'T SUN WOO KEEP ANYTHING STRAIGHT?! WHY DO I BOTHER?! The native dance off stage right in a stereotypical Indian dance (you know which one?). Drake bows to his master as Gosalyn blows him off and walks out of the bushes as Honker flaps his arms to warn her. Ooookkay ; now she is getting down the REALLY STUPID spots as well. Gosalyn then lays down the law and the truth on Big Chief for no reason other than to try to bury Drake Mallard. For God's sake Svaco and Taber: IT WON'T WORK and you're KILLING AN ALREADY WEAK EPISODE! High Chief is amused with some Soup of the Day and Gosalyn declares that it's enough for Drake to go home. Sadly; we head to the scene changer to the volcano as the babyfaces are tied up and Honker corrects them because by winning the tests they would be thrown into the volcano. By the way; I called that spot before this episode started I should point out. Drake blows Gosalyn off for trying to bury him and the spears are unleashed to end the segment seventeen minutes in. Why I am doing this while sick is beyond me; but this is really stupid.....
After the commercial break; OH FOR GOD SAKES, now the audio track is gone (Thanks a lot Disney Home Video) and Logic Break # 10 beckons as it is day time now despite being night time still in the previous scene. I guess Sun Woo cannot animate a sun rise anymore. Drake blows off Gosalyn again and Gosalyn tries to defer; but no dice. The native force the point as our heroes step back. However; HERE COMES BIG BALLOON TO THE RESCUE! At least that hasn't become a logic break yet. Gosalyn is getting tired of this; but Drake sees this as a way to escape. Drake gets off god reference number six (giant bird god) and tells Gosalyn to tell them that it's the giant bird god and demand to set them free. Gosalyn walks to them and sezs: Topo Gigio! That means You Suck in Dumbcrap. The native guard are in awe and they go to a conference. Drake and Gosalyn exchange notes and then the natives finally no sell and go back to their usual business. Memo to Drake: Use Honker as an anchor and throw him into the balloon. It should be too hard. If he complains ; tell him that he's doing it for a cause.
Of course that doesn't happen and they free fall into the volcano. Drake takes out the gas gun and fires the grappling hook into the balloon and it loses air. Good move stupid one! There was your ticket out of this episode. Thankfully; the balloon attaches to the sides and the GANG OF GAG stops right in the middle on a pillar in the middle of the magma. They exchange notes as we get shots of the lava and Honker screams again. Like I could hear him due to the stupidity of Disney Home Video. Drake tells them to cool their jets more or less and he'll take them up (after Gosalyn blows him off on a boiling alive promo). Drake climbs up the walls and there is the next logic break which I will no longer be calling since I have reached my limit. Gosalyn tugs on the rope and gets the first crud in the history of children's animation. A lot more to come I assure you as Gosalyn has a better idea. Drake won't sell as he is in the RELIGIOUS ZONE BABY!! Drake is apparently a Buddhist which is killed when he climbs some more and does his vowels for more educational lines. This is not working because there is little entertainment value in this episode and it's time to mercy kill it. Gosalyn uses the rock to snap the ropes and takes Honker to the now perfectly placed balloon slingshot. Drake struggle some more; but the pressure is getting to him. He's selling it well; but I cannot tell how he's acting. And now I got the audio back. Must be my DVD player acting up again.
We cut to Gosalyn using the Balloon Slingshot and cutting a full of herself promo. More Drake as he remembers something about a yogi calling him a beetle nut which Drake blows off as the beginning of the end. Gosalyn bends back hard and the slingshot works (I thought they would do a burn spot there) as Drake blows off the burden and Gosalyn grabs Drake and they manage to make it to the top rim of the volcano. Okay that was really lame. Drake blows off Gosalyn with his full of himself promo to show who is the master. Before Gosalyn can blows him off for being an idiot...ALL HELL STARTS BREAKING LOOSE! 1:1 odds that the Thunder Quack shows up before the end of the episode. The babyfaces minus Launchpad (Smartest guy in this episode mind you.) fly off the volcano (how does that work) as we cut to the natives running away; but the Big Chief takes a wussy bump due to Drake and Gosalyn and Honker nailing him from behind. And now the natives are PISSED! They go after Drake and company as Big Chief quickly no sells the shot (YAY!) and gets squashed by the native taking a wussy bump WITH CHEESE AND BACON. Oh God; that was a horrible spot.
Lame Scooby Doo chase sequence emerges as this episode is turning into a carbon copy of All's Fahrenheit In Love & War. Drake blows off the natives for going on a bigoted rampage and here comes the lava wave so they scatter towards the lake remembering to play a wussy lame spot of bowling for natives while doing it. Good; I hope they die so then Native Americans can sue Disney for defamation of character. More Scooby Doo Chase Sequence using the lava as the heel which is basically replacing the fire fly army from the first episode of Volume 2. Sadly; the lava wave gets smart and engulfs the shoulder; but fails to fall into the river. Bad logic there guys and then the stupidity levels click in as Drake tells Gosalyn and Honker to get on his back (with Gosalyn stepping on his face to rub it in. You're no Molly Cunningham Gosalyn) and Drake sets up and walks in the lava! He would be dead in real life and so would his friends since the lava in real life would engulf him and his friends into a lava tomb. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! Drake makes it to make the lava wave look like hot orange jello from that Simpsons Japanese episode.
They make it to the canoe and jump in as Gosalyn praises Drake's contrived spot there and Drake cuts a full of himself promo making sure his feet were planted into the water to get rid of the heat. How charming? NOT! Thankfully; this episode is almost over. Gosalyn, Honker dog paddle away from the lava down the river as they are home free. Please; just end the episode now because the last thing we need to see is a waterfall spot and thankfully they don't do it as the natives are close behind him. Honker wants to go into the bushes and Drake blows him off with a pee reference. Honker blows him off as they disembark off the canoe and go into the bushes to find the Thunder Quack with all of it's seats intact. Another bad logic break from Sun Woo. They get into the Thunder Quack and speed off as Gosalyn proclaims that they cannot catch them now. So we get the western pan shot to see the native boarding a badly designed air jet. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! It doesn't make any sense and it's not even funny.
Big Chief wants to fly the thing as he jumps inside and starts the engines. Of course they fail badly and it's it for the natives I guess. And how did that happened? They never explained it; just like how they kidnapped Drake. We head back to the living room of Drake's house as Gosalyn and Drake enjoy the hamburgers as Drake's feet are bandaged up. I guess it is to make up for the really bad gap in logic I think. They manage to walk up the stair with Drake no selling his feet injuries no less as they mock the natives to no end. We return to the woods as High Chief is angry and grumbling in his native tongue as they will kill the next best thing. We head to the totem pole and there is Launchpad's head (Hey crap asses; why didn't you use HIM as the bait from the start?) on the bottom as he's the snack god to end the episode at 21:06 . And the streak of average to excellent episodes ends with a thud with DTVA's second negative star episode. A few good spots; but Sun Woo and the writers completely sunk this episode with plot holes and logic breaks out of the wazoo. Plus; Gosalyn trying to be like Drake Mallard was an absolute joke. Doesn't matter who's at fault for the faulty audio; this episode blows as Gosalyn would say. Proof that saying god doesn't automatically mean it's a good episode. - 1/2* ( -10%)
THE REVIEW LINE
I'm going to make this quick: This episode really, really sucks. It sucked because of at least 12 logic breaks (and many of them were painful to watch) , contrived spots (and many of them set up more contrived spots), several spots blown badly by Sun Woo, Gosalyn's attempts to bury Drake were contrived; forced and basically unfunny; Honker was subpar along with Drake Mallard and the natives were a contradiction who couldn't decide to be Indian (stereotype males) or Native American (non-stereotypical females). There were a few funny spots; but they were instantly overwhelmed by Gosalyn's Crimson Quackette gimmick which was basically a female version of Darkwing Duck. Instead of burying Drake (who probably deserves it); she buried herself and the writers spend most of their time writing a story that has already been done before in Ducktales and Garfield..and done a lot better in the previous two episodes. Launchpad as the kidnapped would have actually been more interesting; but he didn't appear except for the Eisner symbolism at the end.
Let's add a Scooby Doo chase sequence and some bad acting by Gosalyn and you got the second worst episode in Darkwing Duck history. At least until Dirtysomething comes along. Although that one has Ammonia Pine in it and she carried one of the worst animated episodes in this series kicking and screaming. Man; I miss NegaDuck and the Fearsome Five. Well; at least Bushroot is coming in the next two episodes to end Volume 2..and I hear Twin Beak is outstanding. I hope so because I'm getting to the point of deciding just to quit doing Darkwing Duck and doing Ducktales early just to get away from Drake Mallard. So......
Thumbs way the freakin down for this episode and I'll see you all next time.
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