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Quack of Ages
Toys Go Dark Ages on Drake's Sorry Little Butt!
Yeah; like I would pass up ranting on this one from the get-go. Let's rant on shall we.....
The episode is written by Joe Olson and the story editor is Steve Roberts. Finally; a new writer to the DTVA team and it took 23 episodes to do it. Joe has ZERO writing experience; but according to the USIMDB; he was in the art department for The Suffering and The Suffering: Ties That Bind video games. Sounds like me after watching Quack Pack in 1996. The animation is done by Hanho Heung-Up Co. Limited which did a solo effort for TaleSpin in It Came From Beneath The SeaDuck. You know; the one with Kit babysitting Molly and it was done by Don Rosa. It was a great episode sezs I.
We begin in THE STREETS OF SAINT CANARD in broad daylight as we see Drake and Launchpad in the Rat Catcher chasing Quackerjack on a pogo stick. Best...escape...device...ever! Launchpad is using the GPS to tell Drake to turn right which looks like a badly designed radar system. LP also tells Drake that Quackerjack is losing to them as he praises Drake for his skills at defusing a bomb in a creative way. Drake blows that off in a nice way since it was also the REALLY STUPID way too. Oh; and Drake looks like a mess which is logic break #1 for the episode since we saw Drake clean as a whistle in the beginning of the chase. Launchpad also praises Drake for planting the tracking device inside Mr. Banana Brain as Quackerjack declares that they'll never find his secret hideout. Mr. Banana Brain's eyes beep yellow as he blows him off in his usual funny way. Quackerjack hops over the obviously placed yellow cleaning sweeper and into the gray hideout which means that Drake and LP will collide into the clean sweeper and take wussy bumps on the rebound..I check the DVD...and I was sort of right as they took no bumps going under the sweeper; became flat as a pancake and flew into the glass window and took a wussy bump into the slap balls. Geez; I wonder why people thought Darkwing Duck was so repetitive?!
Launchpad and Drake pop out of the toy carnage dizzy as Quackerjack blows them off for blowing up the factory that created the plot device (yo-yo's of course which would make Kit angry but there is nothing he can do about it.) and jumps on the GIANT SPINNING TOP OF DOOM. More toy violence; I love it even if Miss White doesn't. Drake finally stops selling his dizziness and tries to bury Quackerjack with the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH and fighting words. Quackerjack doesn't bite and asks the simple question: Is it my fault no one will buy my toys? The obvious answer is yes; but who cares?! No one watches Quackerjack to buy his toys anyway. They watch him because he is funny. Quackerjack pumps the top and spins around until he disappears proclaiming that he's going to destroy one yo-yo which is the first one. UH OH!! I don't like where this is going....but in a good way I might add. Drake and LP wonder where Quackerjack went. Now there is a quality trick I need to steal. Then I would get home in five minutes and be able to do some of these rants at home. Launchpad uses the GPS to find him and apparently he is still in Saint Canard. Scene changer and Drake is now fixing the GOLF CART OF TARDIS because apparently Quackerjack has gone 700 years in the past.
Which is really roughly the same as the full length Dark Ages Spongebob SquarePants episode they aired on YTV a few years back. Then again; the whole entertainment industry (video games included) is built on little thievery like that. No wonder the customers get angry when they do the same thing. Drake and Launchpad pop in as Drake cuts a really self-serving promo because they are going to 1291 (so Drake says when he does the old Star Trek reference) to stop Quackerjack from destroying the yo-yo and altering the course of toy history. Oh; and nice CONTINUITY from Paraducks I might add. You thought I forgot that. Drake also tells LP not to screw this up and gives him the green book (which is only slightly WORSE than the liberal red book) which states that the yo-yo was invented in 1291 by the kind of medieval Canardia. That of course is complete bull since the real yo-yo dates back to 500 BC made from Terra Cotta Discs. Thank goodness this wasn't an educational show or it would look like Mister T: The Animated Series all over again. Drake turns the machine on harping about the benefits of 1291 before the SEQUENCE OF DOOM changes the background from inside of a lab to blue skies and the Warner Brothers mid air spot. Which lasts a half second and the GOLF CART OF TARDIS free falls with a resounding splash into the lake.
Wow; Joe isn't fooling around here as we are barely three minutes into the episode. They sink to the bottom as the fishing line grabs onto Launchpad and Drake and pulls them up to the surface. Drake and Launchpad cough up a lung as they were saved by Dark Ages Binky who appears to be wearing an ugly version of Grammi's outfit from Gummi Bears. She calls Drake and LP strange fish in the old English style of speaking. She is Binketh and she got Calla's look from where I'm sitting. Well; they already placed a Zummi doll in this episode so I guess it's Calla's turn. Drake whisper yells at LP calling her Binky's ancestor. And she's isn't dense so I think Drake is full of himself again. Binky then comments on the clothes and if this turns into a Red Riding Hood crack; I'm going to scream. Thankfully; they don't go there as Drake proclaims that he is from 700 years in the future...and being so freakin rude about it too. I am calling her Binky since it's easier to spell and the real Binky is not here as she then threatens to burn Drake at the stake for his evil warlock ways. I think King Gregor would blush on that spot as Drake recoils and lies that they are from Sweden since Dumptruck isn't here to do that stereotype.
Binky decides to buy it since she is still dense anyway and greets them with the usual English greeting. She is willing to help them and then a shout is heard to make way for the king as the stage coach runs from left to right. Drake is happy because the king is here and Binky blows it off because no one may see the king since the new minister won't allow it. One guess who the minister is as Drake shows that even in the Dark Ages; Drake is REALLY STUPID and jumps onto the top of the stage coach. And apparently; it's leftover from Gummi Bears too; except for the coach driver who looks like a badly drawn white ferret. So this is what Dan Dawson is reduced to; driving a coach after being one of the best one shot heels in all of Disney. Nice burying of TaleSpin there Michael Eisner. Drake gets onto the top without incident (HUH?) and shouts out that he demands to see the king because he's DARKWING ...DUCK! The king does manage to halt the stage coach and Drake goes down and sees that Herb Muddlefoot is the king. Sadly; the CONTINUITY has been destroyed since he should be dressed like King Gregor instead of being in all red. I see that this Herb's head is bigger judging by the size of the crown.
King Herbeth (as he states) blows him off for his REALLY STUPID transgressions as then we see Quackerjack right beside him on his right with Mr. Banana Brain. Amazing enough; he is still in his regular clothes which is apporos since he is the court jester so to speak. Drake is SHOCKED and APPALLED by this since he is Sir Quackerjack now; but the king blows him off since he's the new advisor and gets the disturbing hug of doom...and Quackerjack pretty much liked it. He does a juggling spot to amuse me and then bops the balls right on Drake's beak which take wussy bumps off of them. And to think; Hungho used to do MAN-SIZED bumps including the always funny and somewhat nasty spot where Molly literally stepped on Kit's cute black nose. I always laugh my butt off every time I see that. King thinks Quackerjack cracks him up and I would agree with him totally if Hunho made the bumping better here.
Drake then calls Quackerjack a jackanape which is spelled completely wrong in this one (thank you Disney Captions) and the second time someone called someone a Mini Satana (Nega Duck did the same thing in DARKWING...DOUBLOON!) Drake then gets into the stage coach and it's the dust cloud fight once again as Quackerjack screams for the guard. Once again; I ask: How can you defend Drake since it was clear that Quacky was leeching off his heat?! They do the spin cycle scene changer (which is a creative way to animate it cheaply I might add.) and we see the dust settle as they go outside and see Drake flat on his face and flat as Alexander the Grape. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! LP and Binky peel Drake off the ground outside and then we get the scene changer for real; which logically leads to...
Outside the WHITE CASTLE OF FEAR which is placed next to a cliff. Okay; that is different as we pan down to the roadway as Drake continues to blow off Quacky while cutting another full of himself promo. Binky offers to help him but Drake grabs her and tells her that he can handle it on his own. Because Drake has to be REALLY STUPID of course so that the Cartoon Duck Syndrome mutants are well fed. Drake and LP grab onto the log and Drake then really pisses me off by cutting a Mister T promo (you know which one). A FREAKIN MISTER T PROMO?! SHOOT ME NOW!! Drake charges with the log right at the castle door and that allows Drake to take a really wussy bump against the door complete with quack sound. If you are going to do a wussy bump; use the squeak sound. It worked so well for Chuckles The Silly Piggy. Drake blows off that plan while being stuck against the door and that provokes the scene changer as we see Drake balancing a pole with his hand while Binky watches Drake cut a full of himself promo.
This is like the poor man's Idol Rich commencing here as Drake does some pole vaulting while ignoring Binky like the REALLY STUPID mallard that he is. He pole vaults and takes an good off-screen bump into the dragon trim as he is hung by his neck on them on-screen. Drake flops off and takes a good off-screen bump onto the ground as we head to the scene changer (sort of) and we cut to the badly drawn forest (Not one of Hunho's strong points I see.) and out comes the TROJAN DUCKIE OF DEATH which Drake drives down while cutting another full of himself promo. He places it at the front door and calls out for the guards because he has a present for the king. Drake scatters as the door opens and out comes two guard dogspeople (in guard costumes) as they grab the thing and haul it into the castle. The door shuts as Drake hides in the bushes proclaiming victory because Launchpad is in there and once he pops out he would open the door.
Now I was thinking that LP would be popped out of the castle; however, we then see LP come up from behind and ask him what door which is a hundred times funnier. Good for Joe not to go for the obvious as Drake sezs D'OH in a bad way lest Disney gets sued and tries to invoke the wooden stick to give LP the fatal beating he doesn't deserve (It's Drake's fault for not putting LP in there in the first place); but Binky breaks it up with her voice. We head up as we see Binky on top of the castle as Drake is amazed and asked her how she did that. Binky then shows how REALLY STUPID (and probably sexist to boot) Drake is because they NEVER lock the back door. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We then head inside the WHITE CASTLE OF FEAR (the back door edition) with the babyfaces. Drake then stops her to tell her to stay out of harm's way and now it's time for the VOICEOVER OF DOOM to take over. LP and Drake try to practice the fine art of not being seen; but the guards unleash their swords OUT OF NOWHERE and surround them all.
I warned Drake that the VOICEOVER OF DOOM would come back to bite him on the butt; but NOOOOOOO; he was too busy kissing Michael Eisner's butt to listen. Drake tries the old car broke down joke to stop them; but it's no dice as they get the heave ho right into the king's throne room taking a really good on-screen bump on the stairs. Binky was not involved in the bump at all sadly. I guess she is playing Calla here. Herb is sitting on his tiny throne chair as Quackerjack calls LP and Drake spies and infidels. That would be the first recorded use of the word infidel on DTVA. No big deal since Batman used infidel and god several times in their series. Drake rises up while we get to see the back of his gay Zorro hat while Drake cuts his usual full of himself promo on himself. If Herb's smart; he'll create a new law: No full of himself promos in the presence of the king or police officer. Then Drake will shut up hopefully. Drake then does the REALLY STUPID part of calling himself a court magician and Quackerjack accuses him of being Satan more or less (they don't say it outright; but the implication is there).
This is DTVA's ultimate strong point: Using foreshadowing for episode we don't see until it is too late. That's where hindsight is king. Herb looks at him with anger as Drake gulps at his obvious gaffe; but then Herb decides to sell it and accept him. I think even Quackerjack was taken aback to this as I am. Drake plays around like a goof and then Herb thrust out of his chair and walks out because he's got a new invention to show Drake Mallard. Once he is gone; Quackerjack and Drake circle each other as Drake explains that he planted a homing device on Mr. Banana Brain. Quackerjack finally gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and calls Mr. Banana Brain on treason charges. Geez; I don't see any connection to George W. Bush and Quackerjack in the very least, no siree! He throws the traitor away and then it's the old spin cycle cloud dust fight again to show just how cheap this spot really is. Herb returns and the two goofs with fighting attitudes stop fighting as he reveals the new invention to be the yo-yo.
Quacky beams in amazement when he advances to the king as Drake groans because Quacky is here to destroy it. And of course; it's the ANVIL OF NEIDHART tied to a string which lands with a nasty bump right on Quacky's small foot like all good clowns have. Oh wait...never mind; the joke doesn't work here. Quacky dances with the foot grabbing spot around the king while the king asks for approval. Drake gives him little dice since it needs work. So much for destroying the yo-yo Quacky. Herb doesn't care; but Quacky recovers and demands that Drake show off his work as a magician. Herb agrees to it to show that he's not as stupid as Drake is and Drake does the look for something in his suit and then say that it is in the other suit which is the clear signal for Drake to try to escape. Quacky stops him and gives him a spare wand. How nice of him as we are all set to see Drake get screwed. One question: Where's Launchpad in all this?! Is he sleeping on the job again like he usually does in these situations?!
Thankfully; we cut to Drake hammering the podium together (because he has to have something to stand on while he's cutting full of himself promos) while Launchpad is putting up the red curtain. So there is no logic break there as Drake plans to wow them with cheap parlor tricks which will force Quackerjack on the street in no time. They finally finish up as the king returns to the scene with Quackerjack sitting on his tiny throne. This shalt be as ugly as possible...I hope....Drake declares that it is showtime eight and a half minutes in and does the bow to start. LP hides behind the curtain lest he gets buried by Drake ability to bury anyone. Drake tries the introduction to stall some more which Quacky blows off because he's the adviser. Herb doesn't care since he's having his seven cycle snack of course. Drake ends his promo anyway and topples the box over as Quacky ruins the whole thing by accusing Drake that he has something behind the curtain.
Herb doesn't care as Drake goes to the curtain and stammers before revealing Miss Binky as his new assistant. I guess they talked in between scenes so no logic break there. Drake continues to stammer and NOW Herb drops his snack and starts caring. So you can now officially blame Drake Mallard for creating the Muddlefoots. I'm sure that gives Mojo-Jojo a lot of comfort now. Binky giggles on cue and is smitten by his handsomeness while Herb claps bravo four times off-screen much to the disdain of Quacky. Quackerjack is now PISSED as we cut to Drake declaring that he will start with the old pulling a rabbit out of his hat trick as he somehow managed to pull the table down; put a cloth over it and show the black top hat. Hey; it's that or Logic Break #2 for the episode. Drake grabs the top hat (upside down of course) and pokes the wand with it. He tries to pull something out of his hat and there is NOTHING..AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING to pull. Drake mutters that it is an elusive little critter; just like Drake is an elusive little fraud. Sadly; the bunny is running around the stage while Launchpad is chasing him in a funny spot. Nice job Drake Mallard; you have ruined magic for everyone out there. I hope you are proud of yourself. Quackerjack points out that Drake is a fraud (YAY!); but Herb...say it with me...doesn't care because Binky is distracting him. It's 1291; don't ask. You hear me say that a lot during Spongebob Squarepants' episodes. Drake throws the hat away and tries MIMI JOKE MAGIC TRICK #2: The METAL RINGS OF SEPARATION!
This ought to be good...for me to mock Drake of course. Drake tries the magic wand as the metal rings refuse to separate for anyone most so full of himself Mallards. Drake pulls the metal rings with his feet; but no dice as Quacky comes over like a grade school child and tattletales on him. Normally; tattletales are wrong; but Quackerjack is a heel so screw moralists. Sadly; Herb doesn't care because he wants to date Binky and Binky's hot Calla look is distracting. I wonder how anyone even by 1991 children standards can be so distracted by someone like Binky; but Herb was such a dense fellow so I answered my own question again as usual. So let's move on as Quackerjack is annoyed by her giggling and/or Herb's dense attitude to this magic show in general. Quacky pulls on his hat as Drake spins the METAL RINGS OF SEPARATION and drops them on the ground which apparently hit so hard despite being a wussy bump and it bends into a million different ways. Must be steel plated aluminum. Drake goes over to the wooden box thus proving that it really was Logic Break #2 for the episode and it's the MIMI JOKE ZONE MAGIC TRICK #3: The Vanishing Person Trick. Even Drake cannot screw this one up....can he?!
Sadly; he decides to be REALLY STUPID and offer the distraction to be the one to disappear (Binky of course) as Herb has the hots for her judging by the hearts on screen. Drake offers Binky's hand into the wooden box and shuts the door while Quacky watches on. And Launchpad is still chasing the bunny rabbit all this time...Too funny as Drake does the magic trick and it works as Binky opens the door on the curtain side and tries to escape. However; Quackerjack does the old Dukie trick of using the cloth and kidnaps her good. Drake twists the box around and opens it to reveal nothing..AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING. OH MY GOD! He didn't screw this trick up! Drake is the best magician in the world! Pass the freaking tissues! Oh give me a break CDS fans! Herb is so HAPPY...until Drake decides to be REALLY STUPID and try to bring her back from the wooden box. Sadly; he opens the door and she doesn't reappear. BWHAHAHAHAHA! Now; I think Herb is going to get that Drake is a fraud and call for the guards now. Sadly; he's upset and still not getting it yet as Drake tries again with no luck whatsoever. Quackerjack returns OUT OF NOWHERE by declaring that Drake killed Binky more or less. Memo to Quacky: You can say kill on this show; this is not 4KIDS.TV. Drake stammers and goes to the king with the distraction with MIMI JOKE ZONE MAGIC TRICK #4: The card trick which is enough for Herb to get it and he finally calls for the guards to take Drake to the dungeon. The guards grab Drake and Drake is dragged in an L-shaped form out of the king's room with LP following him finally catching the bunny rabbit and declaring the show to be a hit. Okay; that was pretty funny as the wooden doors slam shut and that's the end of the segment nearly 12 minutes in.
After the commercial break; We head to the DUNGEON OF DOOM THE NON-WCW EDITION as Launchpad is placed in stocks (I guess that is punishment for being lazy in this series.) with Drake against an opposite wall with his wrists hanging from a chain. The rat is around and starts kissing both of them in a really sick spot as Drake blows off LP to let the whole thing go. And the door opens and in comes Quackerjack with a band-aid on his hat as Drake blows that off just to be sarcastic of course. Quackerjack complains because it's an exploding yo-yo this time. Herb is so sadistic; no wonder Drake couldn't completely bury him. Anyway; Quackerjack is here to be in charge of torture while the king improves on the invention. So he introduces Sir Cumference and Sir Veillance. Since they are too hard to spell (or misspell in this case thank you for nothing Disney Captions) we'll call them Sir Cum and Sir Veil. Hey; I almost made a funny on the first name.
They place a frog on LP's head and it eats a bug. Sir Veil proclaims that the frog doesn't choke and therefore he is a warlock. Memo to both: Ed Brayton just called and thinks that you are full of crap. I simply tell him that this is COMEDY BABY!! Yeah; whatever. And of course; Quackerjack blows them off because Drake is the warlock. So that logically leads to the scene changer as Drake is on the rack (check the machine creaking) as Quackerjack wants him to confess that he is a warlock. Drake sells it badly and sezs Never of course. For goodness sakes guys; tickle him! That ALWAYS works and we ALL know no DTVA character can stand that. Cartoon Characters don't mind getting racked; it's part of being as such. Thankfully; Quackerjack doesn't care because the fun should end so soon as he pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) and that breaks Drake's bonds somehow and Drake goes flying and splats against the wall with a wussy bump on-screen.
He looked like a piece of paper there as Drake plops down onto the floor with another wussy bump. Launchpad tells him to hang in there since they might be getting bored. Yeah; that will ONLY encourage them to do it even worst. Scene changer as we see Quackerjack's shadow against the wall telling him to confess which Drake refuses as Sir Cum and Sir Veil hold him tight. Quackerjack attempts TORTURE DEVICE #4307: The Giant Thumbscrew. Did Quacky watch You Cannot Do That On Television before working this episode? Did the writers for that matter? The THUMBSCREW OF DEATH takes a MAN-SIZED bump right on Drake's body; but the power of THUMB WRESTLING buries the thumb as Drake throws it away easily. Now the thumbscrew is a sore thumb-loser. HA HA! Drake then cuts a full of himself promo. UH OH! Drake is burying someone and Quackerjack just had to be the one. I knew Quackerjack was in trouble and sadly he can take solace in being the second last villain buried.
There is still Buddy and at least Buddy was smart enough to stay out of episodes. Sadly; the MORALISTS OF DEATH tie Drake to the chair with soles of feet exposed during the scene changer as I cheer that someone is finally going to tickle him. However; Quackerjack decides to release a torture even worse than such as he presents: Mr. Trivia Buff from Toys Czar Us. YIPPEEE!! The writers remembered him! Now Drake is going to get it as Drake calls him a maniac. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. And unlike tickling; I don't get goose bumps while watching this. Quackerjack pulls the string and let the TRIVIAL TORMENT OF DOOM commence (which invokes the usual henchmen to cower in fact by this amazing torture):
[1.] The longest recorded flight for a chicken is 302 feet, 8
inches. [Wikipedia has nothing on this so I'll allow it.]
[2.] The koala bear is not a bear at all; but a marsupial. [This is perfectly true.]
[3.] The first written language was a system of pictographs created.
And in a stunning twist; Launchpad has enough and confesses that Drake is a warlock which Quackerjack accepts as fact. Drake blows him off because despite all the pain and suffering (for my pleasure make no mistake); he wasn't biting. Way to go in making Launchpad look absolutely weak just to keep Drake strong. At least Drake didn't like Launchpad ending the session so at least he has some common sense left in his body despite being REALLY STUPID anyway. Launchpad uses the pink feather to sign the confession papers as he doesn't want Drake to suffer anymore. LP doesn't see any harm too which is usually the signal for them to declare that they will probably be eaten by a dragon. And Sir Cum and Sir Veil declare the punishment to be beheaded at dawn. Drake is not amused by Launchpad's stupidity as Launchpad chuckles like an idiot. So it's morning as the public gathers into the castle to witness the death of Drake Mallard by beheading.
The harps play in the streets by a stray maiden princess as the public goes up the stairs to witness just how barbaric Herb can be. The public chatters as they huddle around a large stage where the king sits on the far left and we pan down to the beheading fat guy (wearing a black mask of course) motions to Drake to take his punishment as Drake gives a mean stare to Launchpad who looks on in the crowd. I guess Launchpad committed no crime in Herb's eyes so he was let go. The fat beheading guy leads Drake to the HEAD SLICER OF DEATH as I'm getting Bugs Bunny vibes once again. Executions just aren't so funny anymore since TaleSpin had Rebecca on the firing squad in The Time Bandit. Quackerjack and the King are sitting down on their thrones. Herb isn't happy because all he wants is Binky back and doesn't want Drake beheaded. King Herb is still so dense so Quackerjack explains that the only way to get her back is to kill Drake.
The HEAD CUTTER OF DOOM uses a hair and splits it. I get the joke on splitting hairs and splitting hares; but this is a redo of Bugs Bunny and it just isn't funny. Drake gulps and then we quickly cut to the HEAD CUTTER OF DOOM raising his ax into the air and cutting a log on the head placer to force the point. Yeah; the thing is sharp we get it writers of the world. We head over to LP reading the green book and declaring that if he lives one more minute; he could see the total eclipse of the sun. Drake blows it off because he is GOING TO DIE ANY MINUTE NOW! Drake then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and realizes that the crowd must be REALLY STUPID to believe that he is a warlock so he runs to the front of the stage and threatens to block out the sun forever. One of the females claims her crops will die (death reference #1) in the crowd and then Drake yells some magic words and it doesn't work at all. One of the male dogs in the crowd blows him off as a fake. Drake stammers and it still doesn't work as Drake goes over and grabs the green book; blows off Launchpad because the eclipse starts tomorrow and bashes LP's pin head with the book.
I see getting screwed is also outside Drake's MO nowadays. LP suggests stalling and Drake does exactly that on this own as we get the SUNRISE AND SUNSET SEQUENCE OF DOOM to continue to waste more time. The crowd is getting restless and starts giving Drake some real heel heat here. However; the stalling works like a charm and the solar eclipse happens. Yeap; the crowd is REALLY STUPID to fall for this; but they do due to the rule that they have to be more stupid than Drake is. Nice to see Joe is paying attention to detail here. The king demands that they release Drake and Quackerjack jumps off his throne to protest this outrage. The king doesn't care and the HEAD CUTTER OF DOOM finally releases him allowing the solar eclipse to complete itself. Nice use of a country's ignorance there Drake Mallard as he bows to the crowd. One of them shout yay in such a boring fashion that I agree with him. This was dull to say the least; but at least the storyline is solid here.
Herb asks Drake if he could find Binky and Drake agrees to anything. Quackerjack decides to play with Drake's mind and goes over to the Sir Cum and Sir Veil in a whisper session. Then Sir Cum (or Sir Veil; doesn't matter anyways) declares that they found Binky to a large pop from the crowd. Drake declares this mystery easy...until the Sirs tell him that she is tied up inside the dreaded dragon's cave. Now that is PSYCHOLOGY as Quackerjack eggs him on for being REALLY STUPID. HAHA! No matter how dull and boring this episode gets; Quackerjack is literally carrying this one on it's back. So that logically leads to...Outside of the DREADED dragon's cave as two guards who look like Ernie's cousins force Drake (carrying a sword which may or may not be singing, wearing a helmet and iron gloves) towards the mouth of the cave and then bail like the cowards that they are.
The dark shadow beckons and growls as Drake panics badly to end the segment nearly seventeen minutes in. Interesting point to make: TaleSpin actually has a comic strip which features Baloo and Kit against a large dragon. And Kit is considered a hero coming to slay the dragon. The comic name is Knight Fright and it shows that no matter how much reality TaleSpin does; the fantasy elements are neck and neck with it in quality. Knight Fright is about ****+ by the way which is swell because the comics were the only place where the series was really screwed up mostly by writers who didn't read on the characters and the show's premise. I'm just saying....
After the commercial break; Drake advance forward slowly with the heavy sword to tell the dragon to meet thy doom; but the dragon uses the wind howling to blow Drake backwards onto his can with a wussy bump. Ah; this is just what this episode needs: More windbags! Drake tries to bail like the coward that he is; but the guards force him back into the fire and then bails as Drake calls them cowards. Speak for yourself Drake Mallard. You're the one who thought being a fake magician was a good idea. So Drake is forced to walk into the jaws of doom as he managed to get his sword back somehow. Logic Break #3 for the episode. I'm amazed Joe Olsen has lasted this long without falling flat on his face. He tells the dragon to eat stainless steel; but the flamethrower melts the sword in mid air turning it into ashes. So Drake was selling the heavy stuff since the sword was clearly made of wood. I hate Warner Brothers logic when it comes to metal stuff (See Water Way To Go's finish.).
Drake chuckles and that leads to the scene changer as the green dragon grabs Drake inside the cave. Okay; that was pointless even though the scene does make sense. Drake plays Monty Hall as the green dragon talks no where near the Good Dragon's level. I wish it did since it would make it sound more interesting. Drake's deal is to let him slay him and rescue the maiden. Drake has watched way too many movies here. The dragon teases taking the deal and then no-sells to my approval. Drake then tries Monty Hall Deal #2: Pretend that he is killed so that no one bothers him ever again. And of course the dragon sells because of the rule that everyone must be more stupid than Drake. Green Dragon drops Drake like a bad habit as we finally see Binky tied against a rock (I think). Drake takes another wussy bump of course and then recovers to tells the dragon to make this look good. Drake does the clear throat spot to annoy me and then tells him to meet thy doom as the two guards actually return to look on. UH OH! This is going to backfire in Drake's face I just know it...and just to make it symbolic, the Green Dragon uses the flamethrower on Drake's cape which magically doesn't burn to ashes. Logic Break #4 for the episode of course.
The Green Dragon apologizes (as if he did it by accident? Yeah right?!) and we try again and Drake strikes the rock missing everyone while Green Dragon dramatically oversells the whole thing. Green Dragon's yelling is so bad that it is funny let's just say. Even Drake thinks that he is leeching off his heat so he goes over like the REALLY STUPID mallard that he is and does the Gruffi pose to annoy me before blowing off the dragon. The dragon flops on it's belly and pretends to die. Drake tries to reveal that he has killed the dragon; the dragon then rises up and oversells the whole drama. That is too funny and it never goes out of style. Did Avenger exchanges notes with Green Dragon during character script reading perchance?! Binky comes out of the cave for no reason (I guess she wasn't tied up after all; I couldn't tell) and Drake tells the dragon to knock it off. The dragon flops over and pretends to die for real remembering to do a MAN-SIZED bump on screen. We head to the dinner table as Herb won't eat anything because he fears the worst has happened to his Binky.
Quackerjack of course eats up his food and tells him that they will be fine since he hopes the dragon will kill him. Quackerjack wants Herb to try some food. Hey; that's for Launchpad you greedy bloodsuckers as Herb doesn't care because he cannot eat anymore and has no interest in his green yo-yo which contains the LOADED PUNCH GLOVE OF DOOM as it nails Quackerjack right in the kisser with it. Maybe Quacky shouldn't be messing with dangerous toys since that's three times his dangerous toys mentality has screwed him...for my giggles of course. Herb shudders with sorrow if Binky had perished which allows the door to be open and here comes Binky and all is right with the world of Herb. They run and embrace each other in a good moment as Herb pops the question for marriage. Binky gets into Herb's arms and agrees to it. It would be silly to call this a Herb/Binky origin story; but it's still funny so you never know. Quackerjack hates this because Drake could never slain that dragon. Well; he is right but then again Herb NEVER cared about the dragon being slain anyway. He only wanted Binky back.
One of the guards enters to declare that Drake has slayed the dragon which allow Drake to enter and have his helmet falls and land on his foot in a wussy bump. Drake sells it anyway as Hungho has pretty much blew it here. Assembly animation; you are such a harsh muse. Herb is happy to hear this news so he pops the question again as the green dragon comes in and oversells the whole thing while reading the blue book. Well; he has some taste at least as Drake stammers once again on the slaying part. Binky of course has had enough of this silliness and accuses Quackerjack of kidnapping her which is perfectly true of course. Quackerjack's cover is blown and that allows for the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS from Herb before calling the guards. Quackerjack leaps onto the table and throws the food to subdue the tall guard. Nice bump there as Quackerjack tells him to eat nutty putty because violating ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 is so COOL in DTVA.
He throws the sticky goo onto the floor. Now you would think that the five guards (all the same clones no less) who come OUT OF NOWHERE would stop on a dime and move away; but they don't of course. They are stopped dead in their tracks of course. Drake asks for a sword and he gets about a hundred of them. Yeah; ECW was supposed to be against cartoon characters and yet Terry Funk stole this spot replacing it with chairs. Drake asks for something else; but gets none as we cut to Quackerjack hiding behind the knight suit (complete with mace) as Drake goes towards him; but the knight has a twist key in the back and Quackerjack twists the key. The knight is alive and Drake is screwed.
The KNIGHT FROM HELL tries the mace but Drake dodges the attack which causes Quackerjack to oversell the laugh spot. Must be the nutty putty affecting his brain on that spot. Drake then uses a Led Zepplin metaphor to distract the knight and bail away. The mace misses and it's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE~! Drake then breaks all logic and reason by hiding behind a column on the same side where Quackerjack was and invokes the gas gun to tell the knight to suck magnets. That is Logic Break #5 for the episode and the first one I don't accept. It shoots the blue rays which blow away the knight and he slams into the wall taking the MAN-SIZED BUMP WITH CHEESE AND BACON.
Joey: We just fixed that wall!
Did I mention that I HATE Scooby Doo Snow Angel spots now?! Quackerjack goes to his bomb thrower and fires a lit bomb with it. Drake uses the mace which he picked up on the ground and plays batter up. However; the bomb stays attached to the bat. Must be a clay bomb as Drake panics. Now you would think that he would just throw the mace at Quackerjack and end this episode now; but Cartoon Duck Syndrome now infects this episode so he gives it to the knight who happens to be recovering and bails. Okay; that was only the second worst thing Joe could have done here. And the bomb explodes of course killing the toy knight. Herb and Binky try to kiss each other; but Quackerjack grabs a piece of meat and bumps Binky away in order to threaten the king with it. Now you know Quackerjack is truly demented when a piece of meat becomes both a deadly weapon and irony all wrapped up in one. Binky is shocked at this as Drake gently tells him to put the turkey away. Quackerjack agrees and throws Herb right onto Drake allowing him to get squashed again.
Sadly; the grappling gun triggers in Drake's hand and it nails the green cloth and wraps around about seven different corners as Quackerjack tries to bail but the anchor grabs him and he is hung by the seat of his pants. Yeah; even Joe Olsen is bitten by the bug of CDS. It was going to happen. Drake reels Quackerjack in with the gas gun and Quackerjack does some amazing moves ending with him being the human yo-yo. This is probably the only time where Drake's burying was a good thing since Quackerjack looked great here. Drake declares Quacky to be a yo-yo which is quite funny and ironic in itself. Herb finally gets it as toy history is saved and he and his bribe cuddle together. I was thinking that Drake would do his VOICEOVER OF DOOM here; but the Green Dragon continue his dramatic oversell of death. Too funny as he gets creamed with the white cake and then Green Dragon finally falls out of the window to his death....We think anyway. Drake winks to end the episode at 21:12. Well; it wasn't as good as I thought it would be due to logic breaks and the overkill ending that NEVER ended; but Quackerjack, Green Dragon and Drake pulled through and gave us another really good episode. *** ¾ ( 75%)
THE REVIEW LINE
Wow; I was going to give this episode a really excellent mark and then it fell thanks to logic breaks, spots blown by Hungho and Joe Olsen not learning to end an episode properly. Again; Cartoon Duck Syndrome ruined the experience for me as the ending was rushed (funny as it was) and it was Quackerjack and Drake doing some unfunny spots in order to set up a silly finish that was really funny I admit; but the built up was a little painful to watch. It certainly didn't help Quackerjack as a character. There was also a few dull and boring spots including the redo Bugs Bunny execution spot that ceased being funny after The Time Bandit from TaleSpin (and that episode was worse than this one amazing enough; due to a redo plot line that was otherwise entertaining.). On the other hand; Quackerjack was pure gold and when he was in every scene he was literally carrying the episode kicking and screaming. The torture scene was brilliant despite LP slightly ruining it and the Green Dragon part was also pretty good. Launchpad was absolutely lazy and doing his best to make Drake look too strong here despite every attempt to screw him unintentionally. Overall; this was a good episode and I'll give Olsen credit for writing an otherwise solid story; but I wish he didn't rush the first part because it gave him an excuse to invoke overkill near the end and the overkill was a classic case of Cartoon Duck Syndrome. Next up is the Darkwing Squad and it should be good....So....
Thumbs in the middle for this episode and I'll see you all next time.
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