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Axed By Addition
Reviewed: 12/31/2016
Of Course It Is!
Welcome everyone to 2017 as we finally get started on new DTVA episodes and continue down the road of the Disney Afternoon shows. At this point; Goof Troop finally hit the airwaves as a huge change of pace into the realm of sitcom "action". To be fair; Goofy strength was sitcomish anyway, so this worked out very well for him. Now I have completed the first three episodes on the Best of Goof Troop DVD set and the Christmas episode special several years ago. However; Disney released two volumes worth of episodes on DVD and out of the 54 episodes on DVD; 51 of them have yet to be reviewed. So I'm willing and able to get down and deal with Goofy and his son Max Goof. Now; I will be doing the episodes in the order of the DVD set; which means the pilot episodes will not be reviewed upon until deep into volume 2 of the set for some odd reason. So yeah; it seems TaleSpin and Darkwing Duck are the only two DVD sets that released the pilot sets on volume one; like they should. So we begin this review run with this episode as PJ is worried about flunking a math test (If only the writers of Chargeman Ken had the same worries; but they don't...) and being grounded for life by Pete that he fakes an illness in order to do everything he ever wanted to do before he report card comes in the mail. Fun fact #1: PJ is in the most episodes in this series over everyone else. Why? I don't know. Guess someone wanted to try something different. It failed. Fun fact #2: The working title for this episode was called "Fatal Subtraction" which is hilarious considering that PJ said "Slain by subtraction!" as literally the second line of the episode! Yes; someone complained about this and it was changed; despite the fact that Darkwing Duck's "Stressed to Kill" was still allowed. Yip; we are slowly going deeper into BS&P notes land here. So how does this episode fare? Let's rant on shall we...?!
This episode is written by Marion Wells and story edited by Karl Geurs. The animation was done by Walt Disney Animation France S.A. with additional services done by Pacific Rim Productions Inc.
We begin this one at Pete's house AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as PJ literally says the title episode and almost says the working episode title name three seconds...AND THE ROCK MEANS THREE SECONDS~ into the episode. I should note that the episode title card is a lot of orange brainwashing waves within the letters. We head inside PJ's room as PJ is in his yellow footy pj's at the table cramming for the math exam and sighing. PJ admits that he freaks out when he sees numbers; so he's not a science kind of guy. PJ crumbles paper and throws it behind his shoulder as he is worried about flunking his final exam in math. I can feel for PJ here who is struggling to learn something he is weak to; and they made an entire episode out of it. It's not like Chargeman Ken; who out of nowhere says that he's weak in math and it never gets mentioned again. We have a knock on the door which doesn't even come close to sounding like a knock on the door; and more like someone trying to break into PJ's room. The door opens (so apparently; the door was locked) and in comes Pete asking about his little Einstein and PJ stammers like an idiot before reading a blue book saying that he's fine, realtively speaking. PJ does the fake laugh calling it a joke because he's trying to get this math thing through his head. Pete pets PJ's head proclaiming that his head can do anything PJ puts into because he has Pete's brain. That's obviously a lie; since that would make PJ into a complete asshole, instead of just being a fatass with no confidence. So Pete wants to do a pop quiz and spins PJ's chair around causing PJ to be dizzy. So Pete shines the light on PJ like PJ is a crook in a good cop/bad cop situation. So Pete rings out at least ten questions in ten seconds, including three math questions, a mongoose feather question, the name of the Unknown Soldier and the woodchuck tongue twister. PJ proclaims that he cannot say that; and Pete demonstrates that he can't either as even the great Jim was fumbling over the tongue twister when acting out this line.
Pete blows off PJ for thinking that this is too hard; because we kids have it easy. Geez; that line is a lot more relevent in 2017 than it was in 1992! Pete claims that he had to fight for an education. Whoa; check yourself there, Pete. I'm a hundred percent certain you won on the level one difficulty in life than the level fifty that you are claiming here. He also claims to trudge an average of twenty miles through the snow every day. What a wimp Pete is?! You wanna impress me? Trudge through twenty miles on wet ice and freezing rain. Barefoot. Without slipping on the ice once; let alone fall. I cannot do it; and I don't wanna do it, so check yourself again, Pete. He also had to defrost his pencil to take the test. That last one is at least believable. Pete claims that he would have gotten his Ph and D if the statue of limitations on high school had expired. The age limit nowadays is twenty one; so Pete flunked high school three times in his lifetime. Wow; what a hero to PJ, eh?! PJ's reaction to this tells all you need to know about this stupidity. Pete talks about having a son; just to make him look good when he dropped a grade point. So yes; Pete lost by one question in high school. Almost like Baloo not passing grade school by one point in Sheepskin Deep (although at least Baloo graduated because he actually showed evidence that the history books needed self-correcting. Don't expect Pete to perform the same miracle; because he's a jerk heel of course). PJ stammers and asks what will happen if he flunks. Geez; I wouldn't bother asking PJ; because I'm sure Pete would have explained it to him that he's grounded for life. And of course he does; backing PJ in between the window and the closet. Would have been more effective if he was in the corner between the bedroom door and the closet door; because then you could make the inside joke of "booking yourself into a corner."; which at least would be fitting in storyline since Pete has practically booked PJ into a corner with his threats. Pete storms out of the bedroom and slams the door.
So then we hit the dream sequence as PJ is in a wheelchair with the fakest white beard and a prison uniform looking old as his room looks like a literal prison cell. Why would Pete buy PJ a wheelchair anyway? Plus; wouldn't Pete and Peg be deceased at this point or very old? Also; the wheelchair is proven pointless because PJ stops selling and goes to the window walking like a spring chicken. At least in Chargeman Ken; Ken transformed, so him no selling two broken legs made sense. PJ screams for Max as we get a shot of outside and PJ's screaming for Max. So we head back to PJ's room as the whole desk and papers are crumbled all over the table and floor. Max is in pink footy pj's which somehow is fitting knowing how goofy Goofy Goof is. Max is holding what appears to be a filter as I discover PJ's bed is shaped like a rocket with a capsule opening. PJ is standing there praying as Max asks about PJ's freaking out on numbers. I discover that Max has math cards like cards from a poker deck as he shuffles them, claiming that PJ is not the first one he has saved from an inverted fraction. Let me guess; the first one was your father, right? Max even offers to cheat on the test for him; but he offers to make him a math genius for life. Considering what happened in Slighty Dinghy; I would offer for him to help me cheat for the test. PJ takes the cards and looks at them; and then says brains over con. Max takes the cards as PJ has chosen to play it straight and narrow. Knowing Max; this is a bad move. Kit has a better record in success in these things than Max does, by the way. So Max starts with the 2+2 question and PJ sort of gets it right the first time; and then blatters on and on about other numbers not related to it causing Max to look at the hard camera. Also; PJ's footy pj's lose their fuzzy feet, just so PJ can make references to his toenails. Why? I don't know. PJ rolls like a ball and is totally confused himself to death; as Max proclaims that it's time to take drastic measures now. Do that involve advancing the plot? Because we aren't even three minutes into this thing. Did I just say...? Oh; never mind.
PJ grovels at Max's feet as Max throws the cards away because PJ loves drastic and proclaims that he'll do anything as he pulls on Max's footy pjs. This cannot end well for PJ; and quite frankly it cannot end well for anyone. So we scene change to PJ strapped in bed with leather belts as we get the COMPLEX TORTURE MATH REMEMBERING MACHINE OF DEATH~! Geez; and you thought Professor Buzz and Ludwig Von Drake were masters of Rube Goldbergish devices?! We see Max with a stand with a book on it on top of a crate telling Peejano to relax; because making a urine reference is so relaxing to me. Not. Max has a microphone proclaiming that PJ will make Einstein look like Howdy Doody. Yeah; I'll bet. Here are the rules of engagement for this wheel of math torment: Answer right and he'll get chocolate bars feed into his mouth. Max calls them Fudgy Wudgy Bars which are PJ's favorite. Is Marion Wells a ghostwriter name for Libby Hinson? Answer wrong and the yoke's on PJ as a bucket of eggs get splattered on PJ's face; but BS&P stepped in to make sure we never see the eggs splat on PJ's face; only a couple of drops of egg yolks splattering from it. Remember in Destiny Rides Again; Baloo threw mud in Kit's face on screen without any cover up whatsoever. So Max begins the torture and PJ cannot compete under pressure and gets splattered with egg yolks; because Max is slowly turning into Pete Pete now. Told you this was a bad idea guys. PJ somehow says right and right angles are correct; so he gets one chocolate bar fed into his mouth. Somehow; despite getting splattered with eggs; there is barely three pieces of egg yolk on PJ's face. So then we get PJ's addition comeback; but he gets fourteen on the "8+8" and gets splattered with eggs; then corrects himself and is fed another chocolate bar. PJ is begging for mercy now because he is sick. You know; I have something to rant about and it pisses me off: People calling something "torture porn".
The problem is; most of what is called "torture porn" is not "torture porn"; it's actually bullying. Bullying is beyond awful and should be eliminated, but there is a major difference between bullying and "torture porn". In the phrase "torture porn"; the word "torture" has an important meaning. The whole point of torturing someone is to make them bend to your will. In "imeetfred" from iCarly; when the students were attacking Freddie; that was bullying taken to vast extremes. They didn't care about changing his opinions; they merely hated his opinion (which the opinion Freddie made was completely defensable in that Fred Figglehorn is merely overrated; which is extremely generous. Maybe I'll add that episode to Easter Sadism one day. Maybe.). That's bullying. At the end of the episode; Freddie refused to change his opinion, so Sam took a tennis racket and beat the holy living crap out of Freddie off-screen, forcing Freddie to change his opinion. That is what "torture porn" is; because Freddie was being forced to change his opinion againest his will via a beatdown; which is the defacto defintion of the word torture. This whole scene with Max and PJ is also by defintion "torture porn" since PJ is being forced againest his will to get the answers right; although he gets rewarded with chocolate bars for right answers, but at the same time, they are making him sick and Max will not stop because if PJ answers wrong, the yoke's on him. Again; torture. The amazing thing about this that few modern cartoon critics cannot seem to tell the difference between the two and by claiming that there is no difference it renders them both completely meaningless. So we basically get the same type of scene from "When The Cuckoo Clock Strikes 3" from Chargeman Ken with Caron in bed while the piano player plays the piano; only Goof Troop's version is much better animated. Cut to outside as the moon comes down and the sun rises as the echoing finishes up. And people accuse modern cartoons of this level of cruelty. I guess rose color glasses also has deleterous effects on the brain. Still doesn't explain Broken Matt Hardy though.
We head to the kitchen at the stove island with Pete with a frying pan and cracking eggs into said pan. The door opens and in comes Max with his books calling for PJ because the bus is here. PJ comes in with a shoe on his head and a sock on his nose. Hilarious coloring mistake: In the previous scene: PJ's bare feet were brown. Here; his right foot is black. Because Pacific Rim Animation Productions, of course. Pete asks PJ if he wants two or three pieces of toast and PJ completely freaks out; but gets the answer right as Pete proclaims that PJ can add and asks if he wants an egg. If you cannot guess what happens next, you have no business making cartoons whatsoever. Yip; PJ freaks out as Pete puts the egg back in the carton and asks if he wants a candy bar. PJ screams even more and PJ runs like a dog towards the wall; forcing Max to run in and restrain him. Of course; because it was Max's fault for causing PJ to be even worse than he was before the episode started with his math torture device. PJ is peeled from the wall causing the two kids to tumble onto the ground as PJ destroys a picture hanging on the wall while PJ wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Basically. Pete comes over and asks what is wrong with him. Well; this show is tedious to review, for starters. But Pete was asking about PJ's well being as Max helps him up. Max explains that he memorized the math book forty-seven times and has numbers on the brain. That's a blantant lie, Max. It was your torture device that caused it, you jerkass! Pete takes this as working a sickness angle and trying to weasel his way out of the test. I assure you PJ was not trying to weasel out of a math test, Pete. He might be trying to weasel out of being Max's friend; but can you blame him for that?! So Pete drags PJ out of the kitchen proclaiming that he was a fool long before PJ was born. Isn't that implying that PJ was a mistake from the start? What an asshole Pete is?! Fitting because he is supposed to be an asshole tweener in storyline.
Max picks up his shoe and sock and goes out as PJ is thrown out of the house by Pete; as Pete proclaims that he's not missing that test because PJ has to uphold the family IQ. Which shouldn't be difficult; although slightly more more due to Goofy's IQ of course. We are barely five minutes in and we have a half dozen paragraphs into this. This is the defintion of tedious, folks. Scene change to outside of the school; which a bus stops at the sidewalk near it. The school looks completely lifeless by the way; but at least it's generic enough that there is consideration for taste and design. So we head inside the classroom as there is chatter and kids at their desks. PJ looks like he's a zombie as Max helps him to his desk on the top right. Everyone is either a dognose or catnose in this scene, half of them with glasses. Max calls him Peej as he wants PJ to crank up those brain cells, claiming that he is going to ace the test. Yeah; I'll bet as PJ has the pencil and numbers are swirling around his head like a drug-induced rave of caffine and sugar substitutes. PJ sweats like he's in a room filled with Oscars from Fish Hooks rubbing all over him. PJ hears Max's voice as we see waves of numbers. Hilarious mistake: PJ's arm during the spiral number sequence on the desk still has yellow; as if PJ was wearing his pj's during this. Can we please retire the "Yolks on you" promo, Max?! It's no longer funny and it only reminds me how sadistic you are. Sadism is MY gimmick! So we cut to a clock on the wall as the hands of time manage to go six hours in a span of six seconds. The bell rings and I submit! Okay; maybe not. Cut to the hallway as PJ walks out of the room like a zombie as Max asks Einstein junior (PJ in case you didn't notice) about feeling about acing a test. PJ doesn't know because his head has gone blank. See; this is why torture is so terrible. PJ is even more broken than Broken Matt Hardy; and a lot less charming too. Max and PJ walk out of school as Max takes this as a bad sign as they walk to the sidewalk with four kids of equal genders as the tallest, blond haired girl is reading a book after all this.
Basically; PJ only remembers flying eggs and stuff. Well; that stuff probably includes math, so I wouldn't exactly jump to conclusions here. However; in order for the plot to advance, they have to jump to conclusions that PJ is screwed for life. Which is exactly what happens as PJ panics like crazy because his report card comes tomorrow at 3:30 pm! Wow; this is some school to give report cards within 24 hours; since I got them up to a week after final exams. Max checks his watch and proclaims that there is only twenty three hours and fourteen minutes left to go. Max is actually wearing a watch with Quackerjack's face on it. So are we going to blast Tad Stones for Goof Troop not being in the same universe as Darkwing Duck, too?! Oh wait; this show is too tedious for most fans to care. PJ proclaims that his life is going to end, so yes; you know where this is going and screw the writer for trying to be like Bearly Alive; because PJ is merely going to be grounded and his life will not end. His friendship with Max might end; but it's all Max's fault for causing this to happen, so screw him! Speaking of Max; he proclaims that it's not over yet because they are going to spend the next 23 hours and 14 minutes doing everything he always wanted to do before he has to face the music. Oh sure; like that doesn't change the fact that he might have flunked the test, which means that he probably did not; but he'll get grounded anyway because Pete. Prove me wrong, Marion; prove me wrong. The next bus arrives as PJ gets off the first kill word of the series I do believe and then Max gets off the second death reference of the episode seconds later. Basically; PJ has nothing to lose because he's dead meat. All the disappearing students somehow reappear and enter the bus as the bus drives away with PJ and Max looking at it and that ends the segment almost seven minutes in. Wow; they didn't even bother to have Max and PJ chase the bus down the street. This was fine outside of the stupid torture porn segment with the eggs and chocolate bars.
After the commercial break; we head back to the residences of PJ and Max as apparently; it's sunrise the next day as PJ is checking off his list of final things he wants to do before he is grounded for life. First he wants to eat 200 Gorilla Burgers. I wanted to make a joke about the burgers being made of gorilla meat; but Gorilla Burgers is a eatery somewhere in Spoonerville. Sadly; it's not Buffalo Burgers; which would have been a funnier joke that it's not made of buffalo meat, but the meat is made from Buffalo, New York since Spoonerville is supposed to be somewhere in Ohio. It's clearly morning since we head inside PJ's room with Max and PJ still in their footy pjs. PJ also wants to watch all 12 Mutilator movies; because he's dead meat anyway, so the movies suddenly become G rated instead of R rated. Max is making the list by the way; which will never be as funny as the List Of Jerchio. Write it down, maaaannnnnnnnnn! PJ wants to ride down Hairpin Hill on a shopping cart; just to prove how much of a whimp Kick Buttowski is. Or maybe not. PJ also wants to kiss some girl named Cynthia Snodfrew as apparently; she's old and has persimmon lips according to Max. Bigot. PJ also wants to ride the three worst rides at Terrorland. Max calls this PJ's funeral. I wish it was Mr. Tedious' funeral because this is the tenth paragraph in the review and we're barely over seven minutes into this thing! Max jumps down and folds the list as it's time to do this. PJ then calls it off because they have to go to school today as Max puts the list in PJ's footy pjs and has a Krackpotkin Plan as they are going to fake being sick. PJ blows it off because Pete doesn't let him stay home unless he is a walking corpse. Max proclaims that his wish is his command. No, Max; don't. Aladdin's genie is the only genie we need in Disney. You are automatically DQ'ed just for that. PJ is confused as we cut to a table of household items and a book of pictures relating various dieases.
Cut to PJ on a stool with a bib on as Max has a tray of stuff as we get Mongolian Worry Warts (because we cannot use real dieases because that is terrible form.), Peruvian Pus Face and then decides to mix and match the fake stuff because the grosser, the better, you see. Max squirts some weird looking mustard on the plate and then slams the stuff right in PJ's kisser; which is so sticky that Max is having trouble getting the plate off; although he has no trouble ignoring PJ's protests. Max puts the plate in the garbage and then sticks two broccoli spears in PJ's ears. Why are they friends, again? Max goes into the drawers (NOT THOSE ONES!) and finds a red nose and puts it on PJ. Max smacks his lips proclaiming that he should be in a gallary. Hey; if Charles WildCat can make a dirty washcloth into a work of art in the comics; then Max is a shoo-in for this piece of abstract art. We hear a alarm clock in the background as Pete is groaning off-screen. Question: How did Pete not hear Max and PJ talking?! Again; I get that you are supposed to act with a volume above the hum of a fridge; but that also means that Pete has to be really stupid in order to make this work. Okay; I assume Pete was asleep; but there was no snoring in the background to indicate that. So PJ is put in bed as Max jumps out of the window and swings towards his house via a wire as Pete walks into PJ's room telling him to rise, shine and get up now. PJ proclaims that he doesn't feel so good; and considering what Max has done to him so far, that might be a real comment that isn't supposed to be a real comment. Pete walks over and checks the covers; seeing how gross PJ is and panics as he grabs PJ and sheds tears in one of those moments that would have been more effective if Pete wasn't such a careless jerk as he drops PJ onto the floor as a broccoli stalk snaps. This causes Pete to panic because PJ is disintegrating. You cannot say PJ is dying in a show where dead, and kill were used in the first act? Pete grabs PJ and heads to the phone and answers it in a panic because it's an emergency.
PJ is gagging while doing this because he's not that bad; but Pete wants a siren and an ambulence. I need one for oxygen replenishment after this episode is over because Pete says he's sick with the Crud. Pfft; whatever BS&P. So we cut to outside Goofy's house as Goofy is in his red jeep and is backing out of the driveway and drives onto the street without screwing this up. Wow. Cut to inside the jeep with Goofy driving. We hear the siren and Goofy sweveres to the left as the ambulence appears in the opposite direction before Goofy drives west and out of sight. Cut to the window inside Max's bedroom as Max appears in regular gear as he calls for PJ because the coast is clear. Riiigggghhhhtttttt. I comes the ambulence because Pete really knows how to overplay the concerned parent card; even though he's the most assholish one in reality. The back opens as two orderlys with a stretcher come out in white uniforms. Copyright Alert: The Red Cross logo is still there and it's all red. They go inside and then come out with PJ who has somehow changed into his regular gear within a minute. How about that? Pete is pleading for them to be gentle because he might fall apart at any minute. This episode is certainly not falling apart; because it's slower than whatever substance Max slammed into PJ's face earlier on. Max panics; because he underestimated the power of selective concerned parenting on Pete's part. PJ is loaded into the ambulence as he screams for help as Pete comes in assuring PJ that he will be spackled back together. The ambulence drives away off-screen as Max groans on cue. We head to the hospital and cut to a window inside the hospital room with Max popping up as the doctor is blowing off this case of "Mongolion Worry Warts" and "Peruvian Pus Face". Yeah; what bigoted named diseases these are! We see two doctors reading their book which is the same one Max had. How about that for woo and quackery?! We head into the hallway at desk number two with a catnose with out of control red hair and a nurse's uniform calling for Doctor Chasm to report for surgery. I'm guessing it's one of the doctor's with PJ on the gurney.
By the way; I have mellowed out on these hospital jokes now; so it's not nearly as bad as the one in Raw Toonage with the puppy doctor. There are far worse problems with that Totally Tasteless Video episode than the hospital jokes. Max is now hiding behind a drawer with a flower basket on top for no reason. I'm guessing the doctor's voice was provided by either the late David Doyle or Jim Staahl and according to USC: Jim Staahl has a wide range of experience as both a writer and actor in the comedy genre, which may explain why he looks familiar. Jim Staahl began his comedy career as a resident member of Chicago’s Second City Theater and wrote for SCTV. Staahl performed and wrote for an array of Variety shows starring Martin Mull, Steve Allen, Sid Caesar, Steve Martin and Marty Short. He was also a co-head writer for shows that starred John Candy, Mike Myers, Howie Mandel, Fred Willard and Louie Anderson; Staahl was also host and head writer of his own series, Laugh Trax. Staahl half hour writing credits include Mork and Mindy, Married People, Lightning Force, The Searcher, Charles In Charge, Young Hercules and Sledge Hammer, along with numerous TV Pilots for NBC, ABC, CBS and FOX. Staahl received two Emmy nominations for writing on Bobby’s World, an animated series he co-created with Howie Mandel and co-produced for 8 years. Staahl has written animation series for Disney, Sony Wonder, Warner Brothers, Film Roman, DIC and Dream Works. Staahl also co-wrote multiple episodes for Emmy Award winning Disney series, Teacher’s Pet. Feature writing credits include Here Come the Munsters, The Beverly Hillbillies, Under Surveillance, Star Kid II and Blow Hard. As an actor Staahl has numerous network appearances and was a series regular on three network series: Mork & Mindy, Goodnight Beantown and Normal Life.
Staahl has also appeared in a number of features including Spies Like Us, Max Dugan Returns, and Night Shift. Staahl continues to perform; he recently appeared on King of Queens and was a series regular on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Staahl received his B.A. in Theatre Arts with a Minor Radio and Television from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Staahl is a WGA Board Member and a current member of the WGA Waiver Committee. He began his career in the movie Cracking up in 1977. Goof Troop is his DTVA debut and he appeared in Teacher's Pet, and Buzz Lightyear Of Star Command. Writing The Legend Of Young Hercules is his most recent credit. He has 32 Writing credits (Trollz being his most recent credit), 24 Acting credits (Second City This Week being his most recent credit), 2 Misc credits (Sledge Hammer! and Bobby's World), 3 Soundtrack credits (Veggietales: Sumo Of The Opera, Mork & Mindy), 2 Producer credits (Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer), and 3 Self credits (Laugh Trax and Match Game 73) to his resume. The nurse is voiced by Kath Soucie by the way as Max practices the fine art of not being seen -- badly -- and steals the basket of flowers. Head into the waiting room with Pete standing and whining like a baby as he sits down on the sofa next to a Goofy look-a-like wearing a purple suit, purple pants, a red bow tie, shoes, socks and glasses reading a book as Pete crushes...ERRR...I mean, hugs the clone as he proclaims that this is all his fault for making him stay all night to study as he proclaims that he used to yell at him for squeezing the toothypaste at the wrong end. He made him join Gum Poppers Anonymous, too. Geez; what an ass Pete is?! Making him join a club to get rid of a habit like it was alcohol or something. Anyhow; Max comes in with the basket of flowers and even made him kiss Pistol in public. Yes; he in fact said this. This is admitting to child abuse by Pete. More child abuse admitting ensues as Max practices the fine art of not being seen in Looney Tunes fashion. I wondered when they were going to poke the damn rabbit again.
So this goes on past the expiry date as Max gets to the desk and puts the basket on said desk. It's a delivery for room 202 and wants the nurse to sign the thing. She takes the note and basket and goes into room 202 as Max sneaks towards the west as we head back into the room with the two doctors and wants a full blood panel, a belly button scan and a complete nose hair analysis. So yes; you cannot ask for a blood test, an CAT scan and a DNA analysis; because fart jokes are funny you see. So they wheel the stretcher out as PJ protests this outrage as they head into what appears to be Doctor Frankenstein's room. Seriously; I mean it. No one in this show has clearly never entered a real operating theater in their lives. It looks nothing like this at all. I realize that this is a cartoon; but I'm just saying. PJ is protesting to the point where he actually teases confessing his sins to faking this whole thing. Ummm; PJ, once they do the blood test; they'll know you are faking it. He doesn't want them to tell Pete though as Max is on the PA system calling for Doctor Howard and Doctor Fine to report to surgery. This promo was totally stolen from For A Fuel Dollars more from TaleSpin. And yes; the doctors are Doctor Howard and Doctor Fine. Of course! I wonder what the TaleSpin ones look like; although they probably would look closer to the Three Stooges then these losers. They leave and in comes Max in the smallest surgeon's gear he can find. I'm a hundred precent certain his sneakers violate hospital regulations. PJ is begging for mercy now even though no hospital will ever hire someone who cannot reach the top of the stretcher with his head. Well; except for the hospital in TTV in Raw Toonage of course. PJ confesses and Max proclaims that he is sick as he has the bandages wheel ready as PJ is turned into a mummy and placed in a wheelchair. I know this because we scene change to Max driving PJ in a wheelchair looking like a mummy in the hallway. Max says that he has a code purple on his hands; which means a violent person or bomb threat is occuring. Nice one Marion, nice one.
We pinball off injured and sick people because some sadist thinks this is funny. Not me. This leads to Max bumping into a laundry basket and it overturns and lands on the wheelchair and Max. Somehow; they keep going away. Cut back to Pete sobbing on the Goofy clone and anyone who has sympathy for Pete is a horrible person in my opinion. Not because PJ is faking it; but because Pete is an asshole. Goofy clone tries to bail; but Pete grabs onto his leg and begs for mercy. Can we beg for someone to advance the plot? We could have spent the last five minutes starting the whole thing; but no, we have to do hospital jokes; because someone thinks that's funny and kids hate any sort of storyline. Thankfully; Pete asks to be struck by something and gets MURDERED by Max with the wheelchair and the laundry basket as Max goes into the elevator and goes down. Sadly; I didn't laugh at that one, but I was sort of relieved anyway which is a plus. So Doctor Howard and Doctor Fine return to Frankenstein's room and discover that they have been duped. We head back as Goofy clone is a crumpled up heap which leads me to believe that he is one of Goofy's cousins legit. Pete is with him in the hallway, dazed as Doctor Howard (or Fine; doesn't matter) come in to inform Pete that his son is gone. Since Pete believes "gone" equals "dead" (in a story where dead and kill are allowed to be said no less) he screams loudly. Yes; Pete believes that PJ has died claiming that he has gone to the big playground in the sky. I just love how they avoid the word die now after saying it twice at the end of the first act. I club BS&P! Doctor Howard has broccoli and a tomato (where did PJ get the tomato from?) in his hands as he explains that he left and took off; which to a reasonable person would clearly indicate that PJ was faking. Not Pete; oh no. Howard gives him the List of PJ; which will never be as cool as The List Of Jericho. Write it down, maaaaannnnnn! Pete reads it and crumbles it wailing like a baby.
Pete proclaims that he is going out with a bang just like he did. Wait; so this Pete is already dead? Pete Pete in this show is an undead zombie?! That makes no sense. Pete runs to the elevator and gets in it as Doctor Howard (or Fine, doesn't matter) runs after him because Pete is an idiot asshole now. Head outside the hospital with Max and PJ as Max does the spinning top spot that Baloo was going to do to Kit in Plunder and Lightning to free him from bondage (although at least this show did it feet first instead of head first like Kit suffered in the comics). Max proclaims that there is only three hours and forty-one minutes left until PJ is grounded for life. Max blows his cover and pushes him away stage right as Pete comes out of the hospital screaming for his son as he sees the wheelchair and bandages on the ground. He yells for him to hold it together because poppa's coming to save him right now. Mighty convenient of him to act like a concerned parent knowing that he was the one who panicked and was admitting child abuse in the hospital basically. We see PJ and Max running from the hospital in clear view of Pete; which should have given it clear away that PJ is fine; but of course not. Another huge mistake; the screen freezes for three seconds before we fade to black to end the segment 13 and a half minutes in. This is just stupid now.
After the commercial break; as we head to near city hall on the streets of Spoonerville, USA; as PJ and Max are skateboarding on the street, to the max, maaaannnnnnnnn! Max proclaims that they need to move at warp speed because we wasted a grand total of eleven minutes in between acts. Ironically; this episode is over twelve minutes in minus the opening! PJ goes into his pocket and finds nothing..AND THE ROCK SAYS NOTHING as the List of PJ is gone. Someone has stolen the List of PJ! Uh-oh; this could change the course of Goof Troop forever. Sadly; I'm certain "Meeting Sami Zayne" is not on the List Of PJ. It's on page four of the List of Jericho, though. Write it down, maaaaaannnnnnn! Thankfully; Max knows it by heart because the first one is eating two hundred Gorilla Burgers. They rebound off a lamp pole for fun as we scene change to a giant monkey waiter mascot in a red shirt, cyan apron, cyan hat, cyan shorts and yellow shoes. He looks like one of the TaleSpin Banderlog with yellow Mickey Mouse gloves on holding a tray with a cheeseburger with the work on it. A male voice is telling us to be cool with our mouths full. Isn't that usually gross?! Oh; and his name is Funky Monkey by the way. You wish he was Dusty Rhodes, pal. He's missing at least four hundred pounds of mass on that body. He looks more like Dusty Rhodes' son. Which one? That's a pick'em. Oh; the kids go through the drive thru on skateboards. So if each burger is two pounds of mystery meat (kind of like KFC's "secret" blend of herbs and spices actually); then PJ is going to eat 400 pounds of burgers. That's like four times his own body weight. That is more likely to kill you instantly than the fake diseases you tried to pull off on Doctor Howard and Doctor Fine earlier. Max forces the burgers into PJ's mouth and closes it as next up is seeing all twelve Mutilator movies. Most of the rest of the burgers are in the conveniently placed red backpack. Sadly; it's not Dora's backpack, which actually would have made more sense; even though it plays under Eleroo's pouch rules.
So the kids bail as we cut to Pete in his cheap jalopy regretting sending him to bed without seconds. Geez; what a penny pinching jerk this Pete is?! Worse; we are supposed to feel bad for Pete because PJ is putting over a ruse and yet it is clear in sight that PJ is perfectly all right and moving. If he was melting and breaking apart; why then is he wearing regular clothes? This makes no sense! He clearly sees him and instead of realizing that he was duped; he is apologizing to PJ profusely. I get that Pete should apologize for being an asshole; but come on! So the kids head to the video rental store; to rent out all twelve Mutilator movies. This leads to Pete crashing his car into a fire hydrant outside and getting out, only to face nose to nose with a police officer in a white helmet who towers over Pete. Yeah; sure. It should have been a officer half the size of Pete who manages to PUT OUT THE PETE~!Yes; it's police brutality; but seeing the little guy destroy the big loudmouth always gets a laugh out of me. The officer grabs him and issues a ticket for jay driving. Of course; since it's funnier to call it that then reckless driving. Pete is begging for mercy because his son is dying you see. Police officer drops Pete on his ass as he has his notepad wanting his drivers license, SSI number, major credit card number, birth certificate, enlistment papers, both served and discharged. Pete is looking into the hard camera because of course any officer who asks for all this is probably committing crimes and impersonating an officer. So we head inside the video store as Max is grabbing the video tapes and loading them into the VCRs of each television set in the building. So Peej is watching the chainsaw welding maniac who might be a copyright infringement on Splatterhouse and a red screen going through PJ's eyes during all this. Yawn. Max is eating a burger calling this total sensory overload. More like total tedious overload. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait; Max actually stuffs a burger in PJ's mouth and this lasts about thirty seconds as PJ is dragged out of the video store. Cut back to Pete with his dirty hands on the officer realizing that PJ was watching all 12 Mutilator movies.
Now; my question here is: Can stupidity be constructed as arresting someone for disorderly conduct? Probably not; but it would advance this slow plot. Pete then admits calling PJ a coward basically. Wow; what a dad of the year candidate Pete Pete is, isn't he? He begs for forgiveness and sobs right into the officers' arms. To Spoonerville leaders: I have found evidence number one where disorderly conduct can be defined without contradiction. Thankfully; the officer grabs him by the shirt and tells him to tell that to the judge. Wow; I actually respect this officer now as the kids skateboard away, Pete sees him clear as mud and still acts like he's dying. Scene change to an alleyway as Max is pushing PJ on a shopping cart. You know what would have made this better? Not having PJ do this in the order that he made the list. We finally see Hairpin Hill; and it looks tamer than any hill in the new Disney. Yawn. PJ wants to sky dive off of Trump Tower. I thought for a minute, he meant sky dive with a bomb into Trump Tower for a second there. Dammit! Max stuffs a burger in PJ's mouth and gets on his skateboard. So we ride down Hairpin Hill; which has zero hairpin turns by the way. I club BS&P! Max basically says that PJ is going to be in prison for life with no parole; so this is his last chance to break his own neck. How charming. In comes Pete down the hill in his jalopy as he loses control and crashes into the conveniently placed fruit stand; forcing a Goofy clone with a mustache to bail on cue. Chargeman Ken moment: When we cut to the kids hearing the car; Max's skateboard is literally floating on air as there is no street shown at all; it's all anime background. Pete's jalopy is filled of fruit and a shattered windshield. Max and PJ do the spot of dodging a busy street intersection; ala Kit and Molly from It Came From Beneath The SeaDuck; only this was slightly more believable at least. Pete pleads PJ to not cut his life shorter than it already is as they do the spot where the car goes under the truck and the roof of the car is ripped apart. Somehow; this truck completely no sells it. Like no damage whatsoever.
Great spot otherwise; it is straight out of Shane/Kane from WWE RAW in 2003. Pete's car is torn apart as he pinballs off more cars and the fruit start flying like crazy. Cut to the police officer in the motorcycle putting his glasses on and starting the engines. So; why did he let this creep go in the first place? So the officer goes over to the car and blows off Pete. Pete looks at him and then it's WATCH OUT FOR THAT LAMP POST~! Sadly; Pete doesn't and bumps into it. Pete goes flying; but since there is no framework in the car; let alone a windshield to break through, BS&P is all right with this spot. Pete rolls and teases squashing a baby in a stroller on the sidewalk with a Goofy old lady driving it. Thankfully; the old lady takes the baby out of the stroller before Pete crashes it. Of course; BS&P RULEZ~! Pete gets a bottle in his mouth; fitting considering how big of a baby he can be. So the chase is on as the shopping cart finds a white corvette containing a purple dressed woman with red hair as Max tells us that this is Cythina Snodfrew is in the black wearing a very long pearl necklace and has a cat. Max slaps PJ in the back causing PJ to kiss Cythina's cat in the process. HAHA! It took sixteen minutes for them to make me laugh at this otherwise convoluted episode. I have no idea who got the worse of that exchange, except Cythina got the best end of the deal either way. Pete whines on the stroller in the street as he proclaims that he should have not stop kissing him good night. So a bus stops in the middle of the intersection to let the shopping cart past as Pete heads right straight for the side which contains a sign that says: "Have you hugged your kid today?" It's the public transit version of "Have you checked your weight today?" with those talking scales I saw at a health store at Mic Mac Mall. Pete creates a hole in the side of the bus (yip; more vandalism from Pete) as he reads the sign before the bus speeds off stage right. He screams for PJ as PJ and Max skateboard into Terrorland which is basically an amusement park.
Now; here's a problem: If they have the worst three rides in history; shouldn't BS&P shut these rides down right now?! The kids enter and stop in the middle of the midway as the announcer proclaims that Terrorland has the scariest rides on earth, where it rattles your cage and spills your guts, or you get your money back. Geez; people will be getting their money back for sure, after the lawsuit settlements that are sure to follow after this. A green taxi arrives and stops at the gate. Out comes Pete Pete as he notices Max and PJ running up a red spiral staircase as we see it heads to a rollercoaster. Max stuffs another burger in PJ's mouth as there are only fifteen minutes left, three thrill rides and ten burgers left to eat. Pete runs in and PJ notices him right away as Max stuffs another burger in PJ's mouth and decides to come down to run interference on Pete. Pete runs up the spiral staircase and then flips to the side and then runs up again. HAHA! PJ is in the rollercoaster as it speds away; as Pete is cut off by Max. I don't know why because Pete wouldn't have gotten into the cart even if Max didn't do anything. Pete protests this outrage because he just wants to talk to PJ; as Pete walks on the tracks with Max hanging onto his shirt from behind. Max claims that PJ is contagious until 3:30 pm. Now; this would be the point when even someone with an IQ of eight would have realized that PJ was faking sickness because real illnesses don't work on a person's will. Max claims that he has antibodies, like that matters since real illnesses aren't that selective. Max claims that Pete has a family and cannot take the risk. Does Max realize that PJ is Pete's SON and thus part of Pete's FAMILY?! Of course; Pete stops, turns around and leaves proclaiming that he can wait fourteen minutes for PJ. Yip; Pete is back to his old selfish self here as he wants Max to show him a good time.So we get a lot of music as PJ rides the rollercoaster for a while and it ends with the clown boot as the carts crash into it causing all the kids to fly off of it (all three of them I might add). PJ does a forward handstand lands on the skateboard, dazed and confused.
By the way; we are three minutes away from the end of this episode; and we almost near two dozen paragraphs of writing. And I'm not trying to pad it here, this is just overwritten bullcrap so far. In Goofy Trooper's world it's really nine minutes left as Max skateboards PJ stage left towards the Barrel Of Fun; which is basically this show answer to the Tilt-A-Whirl; only with wooden barrels. Spoonerville leaders: Time to invest in inspectors for amusement park rides; this park has at least one defective ride already and the other two are dangerously close despite not even seeing the third one yet. And; shouldn't Pete be with Max having fun with him? So PJ bumps into a barrel and lands in it; we start the ride as the barrels all pound into the ground. Considering that PJ is upside down on his head during this; why is this funny again? I'm cringing at this and this show is supposed to be a sitcom only with cartoon characters. Max is sick and he's just looking at the thing. Again; this amusement park ride is as defective and deadly as smoking; and causes second hand concussions just looking at it. Thankfully; when the ride stop and pounds PJ into the ground; PJ was on his ass when it happened. Max grabs PJ and there is two minutes to go now. Max drags PJ to the dreaded Hammer Slammer; which is basically the ride we saw at the beginning of this scene which is an iron hammer which slams to the ground with someone inside the hammer steel. There is no one riding the thing anymore, too. How convenient, eh? PJ is not happy to see this; but Max shoves him on stage anyway and into the hammering part of the hammer. PJ is unstable to the max, maaaaannnnnn! Max then cuts a promo proclaiming that PJ was the best buddy he ever had. Best buddies do not let themselves do stupid crap! I'm just saying, Max. Cut to Pete on the green bench sulking as he overhears Max mangling metaphors like Orac; only it involves sundaes and cherries. BS&P alert: He calls the stuff under his fingernails, crud as he straps PJ into the hammer. Oh; and I believe that is the final Gorrilla burger Max has stuffed into his mouth; and the animation is so choppy that it disappears a second before it even enters PJ's mouth.
PJ tells Max to go ahead and end this suffering once and for all. Max sniffles and praises PJ for going through this as the ride slowly starts. We get the old public domain music in the background as PJ gets hammered like a railroad spike; just to make this scene look even more low rent. We get a lot of sound effects of clanking metal as Pete proclaims that he cannot allow this to go on until PJ has a chance to forgive him. Pete gets up and ponders over weither to accept killer germs or lifetime guilt; getting off death reference number three of the episode. Pete runs in as Max pulls the lever (JESUS~!) and Pete yells at PJ to jump, which is dumb. Pete gets underneath the hammer conveniently enough that the hammer MURDERS him into the unforgiving steel floor. Max unstraps PJ and drags him out stage left as there is one minute and twelve seconds to go. You know; you did everything you wanted to do (except kiss Cythina of course; but BS&P will never allow that...) why not help Pete out of the hammer? They bail back to Pete's house (I think) as Max opens the door and proclaims that they did it. PJ enters; bonks into the open door and falls on his back on the floor completely out. Pete enters and he is totally fine, no selling all injuries from the metal hammer attack. Of course! Oh; that's why they didn't help him up then! Pete completely sidesteps him and then stop as we hear the jackass sound effect in the background. That is funny as Pete recoils and goes over to console his "dying" son. Pete's apology is so Peteish that he might be the innovator of the Notopology right there. Max is quivering as the telephone rings. Pete drops PJ like a bad habit and answers the phone as it's Doctor Howard on the phone. Pete claims that he cannot talk to him right now; since PJ is dead in about a minute from now. Cut to Doctor Howard (the one with the black bowtie) on the phone looking at x-rays from his desk as he blows off Pete; because you see, PJ has a common aliment of school-aged children with test performance anxiety. Ummm; isn't "Test Performance Anxiety" supposed to be the aliment you just described instead of merely faking it?!
So; Pete finally gets it as Max and PJ bail out of the house. Pete screams and manages to grab PJ with the STRETCHY ARM OF DOOM as PJ suddenly is selling sickness again, which Pete rightfully blows off. PJ admits that he cut school over a stupid test because if he flunked; he would be grounded for life. Pete then goes into beast mode (and I do mean BEAST MODE~!); blowing PJ completely off because Pete wasn't being literal when he said it; because PJ is supposed to do what he thinks, not mean what he says. What an asshole Pete is?! At least he is supposed to be the heel here; even though he comes off as unlikable and then heels on PJ by grounding him for life anyway. Max and PJ sulk in defeat anyway; despite the fact that they were expecting him to do this from the start anyway. So we fade to black and return as Peg Pete comes into the house with a letter calling Pete a milkshake for some reason. She has PJ's report card in the mail as PJ and Max are sitting on the sofa sulking. Peg opens the card as PJ looks glum and Peg proclaims that PJ got an "A" in math. PJ slides down the sofa in shock because he did all of this stupid crap thinking he failed and thus would be grounded for life; now has realized that he got an "A" and thus would have avoided being grounded for life on that without having to resort to doing all that stupid crap, and still got grounded for life by Pete anyway because he cut school only because of what Pete said. That is a great finish in spite of how tedious and boring this episode was. Pete is loving this so much because not only did he assert his authority on PJ; he also got to save face on PJ's school studies as well. Pete won the whole thing and made PJ look like a dope in the end. So after all this; Pete starts to kiss PJ's ass in celebrating with the very things PJ already had. Pete leads PJ out of the door as PJ has to pass his science test next week, meaning if he aces that PJ gets six hundred Gorilla Burgers. Pete calls life grand and that ends the episode at 21:20. That finish and ending was absolutely glorious; but most kids would have changed the channel well before this because the rest of this was boring, tedious and not funny. Call it ** 1/2 (50%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; I finally got through my first new episode of Goof Troop for 2017, and it was a solid Bearly Alive story watered down by BS&P which couldn't help themselves getting involved. There were a number of animation mistakes that annoyed me; but the story was just tedious and most of it wasn't fun until the end when Pete found out that PJ was faking it. And Pete really had to be stupider than Goofy in order to pull it off. The whole Math Studying Device Max created was completely sadistic and torturous and most of the episode was pretty dull and boring. Most of the jokes didn't catch until PJ kissed Cythina's cat and I hope this doesn't turn into a running gag with no payoff; because who would want to watch PJ kiss her anyway? The finish and ending were the best parts of this as it was booked as it should and the ending was awesome in hindsight; but I wish Marion had realized that without a good setup; no one is going to care about the payoff since the setup was so boring. The episode's pacing was slower than contentiental drift until the third act and it dragged down the story even more. Overall; I would rather watch Bearly Alive than this because while Bearly Alive was a total mess of an episode, at least that story was fun and it was paced a lot better than this. Next up is Unreal Estate and hopefully; Pete screwing Peg out of her money makes for more compelling entertainment because this didn't. Goofy barely made a cameo here and it showed in terms of episode quality. Without that finish; it's an easy ** or below actually. So....
Thumbs in the middle for this episode and I'll see you all next time.