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Fish Hooks
Bea Stays In The Picture/Fish Sleepover Party/Fish Out Of Water Rant
Reviewed: 11/06/2010
I Need A Pearl Of Wisdom After Watching This!
As you probably are aware of; I have been doing Kick Buttowski rants for quite some time now and right now there are no new episodes in English on Youtube. Besides; seeing Kick Buttowski blow his chances of not looking like the Disney version of Johnny Test isn't amusing anymore; so I decided to rant on a very more plausible and interesting would be disaster. One that almost every sane person not named Steet has written off before it starts. So welcome to the Sadism Jungle of Doom; Fish Hooks.
Strangely enough; this show actually runs on Family Channel Canada alongside the Disney Channel versions. So you must be wondering what Fish Hooks is about? The short answer is this: Combine the worst aspects of live action Disney, make them anthros and put them in a fish shop. Much shorter answer: The pet shop version of The Buzz on Maggie. Seriously; someone seriously thought The Buzz On Maggie was a good launching point to create this show. In all fairness though; Fish Hooks has so far done better than Kick Buttowski has bringing in anywhere from 3.0-4.8 million viewers (although the later on was for the debut short and mostly due to the Camp Rock 2 special The Final Jam. Which makes sense since Fish Hooks is the animated version of every new Disney live action series there is.). It's no TaleSpin; but still better than anything on Disney XD so it's something. Not much something though. I mean listening to Gary Marsh claiming that Fish Hooks is original almost made me lose a monitor after doing a spit take. Since I am not a professional reviewer and don't get paid for such reviews: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Here's the obvious problem with this: Fish Hooks has no values that make it different from said live action series. For many people like me; I'm looking at this and wondering: “Why do I want to watch them go through the same motions again when I could just watch Hannah Montana, That's So Raven, Suite Life of Zack & Cody and get the same effect only with more laughable acting which gives it it's charm?” At least with Kick Buttowski; there is an element of difference in Kick doing his dangerous stunts and it don't usually feel like a live action Disney show only animated. Sure Kick is unlikable; but considering that show is improving much to the disdain of the critics, it makes me wonder if my comments on Kick being the New Disney version of Kit Cloudkicker were more accurate than I had intended them to be. What also doesn't help is the fact that Fish Hooks actually has talented people working on the project (I'll get to those people in a moment). Kick Buttowski doesn't even have THAT. Again; this is what happens when you work for a demographics, Detroit Disease company; no matter how talented you are; the crap is what comes out because the power is out of the hands of the audience and in the hands of the parent groups who either don't know what entertainment is; or just don't give a damn. This is WHY a lot of people have written off Fish Hooks already.
However; unlike those people, I'm willing to give this show a chance simply because I haven't forgotten how I wrote off TaleSpin back in 1990 and even Spongebob SquarePants in 1999. I'm nothing if I'm not at least willing to suffer watching through crap. Heck; I found positives in Kick Buttowski, so why can't Fish Hooks? Plus; I'm also a sadist.
Bea Stays In The Picture has the story done by Tim McKeon and written by Maxwell Atoms. The storyboards and direction are done by Maxwell Atoms as well. The creator of the series is Noah Z. Jones which is shown at the end of the opening sequence. Tim started working on Sitting Ducks in 2001 and then it was The Life & Times of Juniper Lee, Sunday Pants, Out of Jimmy's Head, Grim & Evil, Foster's Home For Imaginery Friends, Adventure Time With Finn & Jake, In Gayle We Trust and was assistant to the writer in The Agency. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut and got a special thanks for Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. Maxwell Atoms (cool name; I'll give him that much) started with Cow & Chicken and I Am Weasel in 1998. Then it's Grim & Evil (sense a pattern here?), Evil Con Carne, Whatever Happened To Robot Jones, Codename: Kids Next Door (who crossed over with Grim & Evil I should point out), Chowder and the videogame Fusion Fall. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. As for Noah Z. Jones: Dessert?, Pete's Pizza short from Where The Wild Things Are, Antarctic Antics and The Dot. That's it. Naturally this is his DTVA debut.
Fish Sleepover Party is written, directed and storyboards are done by William Reiss and story is done by Justin Roiland. That's right folks; the voice of Oscar is also a writer. William Reiss started with Spongebob Squarepants, Grim & Evil, Camp Lazlo, Chowder, What's Wrong With Ruth and My Gym Partner's A Monkey. That's it. Fish Hook is his DTVA debut. Fish Out Of Water is written and storyboards are done by Alex Hirsch and Ian Wasseluk. The story is done by Justin Roiland and directed by Maxwell Atoms. Ian started as an animation layout with A Kitty Bobo Show and The Powerpuff Girls television series and movie. He then went on My Life As A Teenage Robot, Johnny Bravo, Evil Con Carne, Grim & Evil (and various television movie spin offs), My Gym Partner's A Monkey (of course) and Chowder. The Replacements is his DTVA debut. That's it. So now Clamantha is writing episodes. She is the new Butterbear of Disney. AHHAHAHA! All episodes are done in Flash; with CGI animals in the background. Heh.
Opening Moment #1: Well; the opening title sequence can be summed up like this: The theme song is better than Kick Buttowski by a mile and that is still not saying much. The best spot was Oscar, Bea and Milo gleefully having fun getting flushed down the toilet. The opening is like watching a clip show of Spongebob Squarepants only Squidward would be a school bully which is actually an improvement and enough stock pictures of small animals being superimposed in a desparate attempt to appear edgy and hip and ending up being crappy and lame in that order. So in other words; Fish Hooks has the better opening at least. They damn well need it too. .
Bea Stays In The Picture: We begin this one at a pet store (!!!) called Bud's Pets which has a cat and dog on top of the sign and apparently the dog is Irish. It also sells used cameras which in 1990 would have something to do with the episode; but I doubt it here. Anyhow; it's next to the Sushi; but it's called SUS-Happy Face-Hi! Whatever guys. We do the slowest zoom in shot in history and then cut to inside the pet shop and see a really crappy animation sequence with a janitor buffing the floor with the buffer. He looks like Larry The Cable Guy; only with jean like shorts. This must be a redneck pet shop. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I should point out one thing: I don't like the credits being imposed on the screen while the episode is playing out. The title is understandable; but the credits sound like a vanity trip. At least Kick Buttowski had enough sense to use title cards for the credits even if most of them sucked. My favorite is putting the writing credits at the end of the opening theme after they show the logo of the show like they do for Doctor Who. Anyhow; we see a flash coming from the fish tank with the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH in it and the janitor actually sells it. So much for him being Larry The Cable Guy since he is supposed to be obivious to such things.
So we zoom in and go into the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as we see a big ass camera being set up and anthro fish waiting in line for picture day. We see that the picture taker is dressed up like a painter telling the students to look good like they mean it. Then we waste no more time as we cut to our three GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE worried about looking good in a picture. This is the more thrilling than Kick Buttowski; but it still looks dull and boring. At least they aren't bored out of their skulls like in Quack Pack. Since Bea is the focus character here (the female fish with the Anne Shirley red hair and pink comb. Did I mention that she's a goldfish and therefore naked as a jaybird? At least she's a legit fish and not anthroed to look human) I'll start with her. Bea Goldfishburg is voiced by Chelsea Staub who started with The Failure of Pamela Salt (which is still unconfirmed) in 2001 and then worked on Arizona Summer, then on nothing of note until her break with the Bratz live action movie as Mereditth. Damn; even as bad as that movie was; it didn't sink her career. She appeared in more cameos until the television series Jonas as Stella. Ummm; yeah about 20 roles total for her. Fish Hooks is her DTVA debut.
Milo is the green with the African American lips and blue rounded spiked hair and is supposed to be a Siamese Fighting Fish. Which would have made sense if Oscar appeared to be the same speices as Milo since they are blood brothers. Bad form there guys. Oscar looks like a brown seacuecumber and naturally is the only one who dressed up; only it's in aqua green suit and bowtie. Milo Fishtooth is voiced by Kyle Massey who started in 1999 with Selma, Lord, Selma and Passing Glory. Then he went on to nothing of note until his big break on That's So Raven as Corey Baxter. Yipppeeee!! He even got a spin-off from being Raven Syndrome's bitch to being the fake President of the United States son with Corey In The House. American Dragon: Jake Long is his DTVA debut (finally a non-first timer on this show) as Huntsboy #88 and also appeared on Ying! Yang! Yo! (TINY TOONS ON CRACK!). He also appeared on the 2010 edition of the Electric Company and even did a rap for the live action movie Underdog. Please shoot me now! He also recently appeared as a contestent on Dancing With The Stars. As for Oscar; he is voiced by Justin Roiland who is mostly a behind the scenes guy and does reality television like Celebrity Boot Camp, Ultimate Revenge, WinTutition, The People's Champion, Channel 101, Crossballs: The Debate Show, Fresh Baked Video Games and Acceptable Television. His acting credits consist of Laser Fart, Yacht Rock, The Sarah Silverman Program and his most recent credit Fred & Vinnie. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut.
Milo thinks that this overdrama is dumb and man; I like Milo already as Bea blows it off because it's High School and thus different see. Riiiiiiggggghhhhhhttttt. Unless she's implying that she has to pay for her own pictures against her will due to some sadistic rule of school. Then Bea bitchslaps Milo with her red hair. HAHA! Okay that was pretty funny. HAIR VIOLENCE RULEZ~! She combs Milo's hair and the hair of Milo puffs back to it's usual existence like Rebecca's perm. The comb gets stuck in Oscar's hair when Bea tries to comb his hair. See; this is the most important day of her life and the brothers call her out on that one because the Brittany Swordfish concert was the most important day in her life. Man; you know this show is rock bottom for the voices involved when they have to hyper reference Brittany Spears in order to get heat. Bea continues the overdramatics as we get the movie cinema screen jackhammered in complete with the Fairy Oddparents saying and showing words which is in pink letters called Pre-Show Trivia. Whatever Bea; you need to have _talent_ in order for that situation to happen and so far all you have good is invoke hair violence on Milo's kisser. And then they jackhammer the "Whose Picture Is It?" and they show a slightly prettier version of Bea. I would buy this if they did this in the 1990's Disney style TaleSpin used; but it's too fugly to be used here.
So the ugly seaclam of doom calls for the next victim and it's the trademark emo fish kid who doesn't smile and wears all black. Basically; he's the Fish Hooks version of the purple haired emo kid from Kick Buttowski. The picture taker guy wants him to smile and the emo kids predictablly no sells. FLASH OF DOOM; picture comes out as the clam with pink hair wanting to show those teeth and she spits out a pearl. So that means she is Clamantha who is voiced by Alex Hirsch who has done On A Roll and The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. Yeah; that's it. Fish Hooks is her DTVA debut. That explains the terrible granny voice she's using despite her supposed to be the same age as Bea. So we have gone though four known characters and none of them appeared before American Dragon.
Our next victim is Jumbo Shrimp who wears a waist orange bag and has chipmunk teeth and six arms. He gets flashed and he looks ugly in the photos. Man; this camera doesn't steal souls; it degrades them. Next vicitm is a female who is the definition of a stereotypical female fish who design seems to be created by a man. I mean she has lipstick, white purse, pink lips and pink everything actually. She gets flashed and she looks like a victim of Jerry Bomb's reign of Pucker Punching terror on the photo. Next up is an orange octopus who looks like the evil fish version of Brad Buttowski; only with meaness, brown hair and the Eight Mile black shirt (white lettered 8 in the middle). Oh goody; it's Jocktopus Ludwig Vandenbush the evil school bully with bad yellow teeth. He is voiced by Joe DiMaggio. FINALLY! Someone with actual voice acting experience and has been around DTVA since 1995! He gets flashed and the photo shows him straggling eight kids for our first logic break of the episode and we aren't even two minutes in.
Next up is the minnow known as Dan Chovie who has a Flavor Flav clock of doom and an orange baseball cap. He gets flashed and the Big Ass Fish of Doom appears OUT OF NOWHERE and we have our second logic break of the episode two seconds after the first one. Then we see a giant ass female goldfish knock over the entire camera set for fun. Did I mention how crappy the background is for the show in general and the camera? I mean no wonder the pictures are coming out so bad. The background looks like a spiderweb of purple blandness. She is Koi and she's a Koi Fish and bigger than Jocktopus and she gets flashed and only gets a shot of her mouth. Whatever. Next up is Albert Glass who is a jellyfish and he does an actual smile and he dressed up and everything. He is the defacto best character of the series already and he does nothing in this show.
He gets flashed and we get logic break #3 as it steals his body; but leaves the eyes, nose, mouth and hair. Finally; we return to the lineup as the lime green D shirt wearing fish steps up as more flashes of light occur. Milo proclaims that he is going to make it count now (so much for being smart) as he cannon balls onto the stool (NOT THAT ONE!) and puts a fishing hook (!!) through his hair and sticks out his tongue and makes a fugly face. UGH! I guess it was easier to SHOW IT rather than SAY IT. He gets flashed as Bea pushes Oscar forward in front of her. Oscar sits down on the stool as Clamantha praises Oscar's hairdoo. USIMDB claims Clamantha is Ashley Tinsdale; but I doubt it seriously since even Ashley doesn't sound this bad even on her worst day. Oscar disagrees on that as the comb is still in his hair. Needless to say; Clamantha wants to be his comb and Oscar asks for help; so the picture man invokes the scissors and cuts a large clump of hair off near the comb. He comes from the Wrestling School of Barbering I see. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He walks off as Oscar does the tense sweat smile and he gets flashed and the photo shows the flash reflectioning off his face. Did I mention Oscar wears braces? Ummm; yeah, whatever.
Next up is Bea as she throws away the hair tools and floats onto the stool proclaiming that she's ready to do her closeup. The picture green fish wants to frame the picture; but Bea turns into a pushy little tramp since she has a checklist. Needless to say; the picture fish is not amused by this. While I am on a roll here; what is the obsession with creating a sound effect for blinking the eyes? It's not funny and no one cares when a person blinks their eyes. There is no sound effect in real life. Then we get our first tasteless spot as Oscar uses his finger to clean Bea's teeth. Considering that Oscar looks like an African American fish with a white guy voicing; that looked a bit racist to me. Oh; and Oscar uses the roll on under the armpits of Bea for tasteless joke #2. Then it's hairspray; but Oscar sprays in the wrong direction and it goes into Oscar's kisser before it goes on Bea's hair. Now THAT is just stupid as Bea is ready to roll.
Sadly; she tries to smile and the hairspray makes her sneeze just as Dan Choive (Talk about character economy there) pushes the button on the camera and she gets flashed much to the horror of the camerafish. As opposed to the others? Logic break #4 for the episode as the photo is snapped; and Bea looks horrified when she sees it. Oscar claims that she is losing it and Milo holds fins with Oscar as Bea goes nuts in overdramatic fashion. As absurd as it sounds. At least Bea CAN emote; unlike Kick. Clamantha grabs the photo and puts in the pile as Bea demands that she doesn't use it and Clamantha no sells because she is the editor and it looks fine for her. Which means it is a good picture of Bea looking stupiditer than Baloo. That is the danger of using hairspray that is not environmentally friendly. Bea tries to blitz Clamantha as she wants that picture (not unlike that scene from Video On Trial with one of the female critic whom name escapes me at the moment.); but Oscar and Milo teleport behind her and pull her away. Well; at least we went three and a half minutes before they did that.
Clamantha rubs it in as her voice echoes badly and Bea reaction is actually pretty cute as Milo does the bonk Dale on the head spot on Clamantha to shut her up. Ummm; it doesn't work since Clamantha has no heat, has a terrible voice and has zero comedy value. Well; at least they didn't jackhammer the point home much this time around. Clamantha proclaims to see them in the yearbook pages and floats off with the picture on a tray. Oscar comments on his gross hair as Bea isn't going to let the picture ruin her life. Now; a sane person would just have a sense of humor and go on to better more productive things like finding their talents first. However; Bea is not sane because she is going to destroy the photo AFTER school is over and the bell rings of course. And we jackhammer the point home with jagged zoom in to Bea's kisser. The irony of all this is we didn't SEE the picture so that pretty much gives away the finish in advance and pretty much gives away how stupid Bea is in advance too.
So we go to the SCENE CHANGER OF DOOM (nearly four minutes in) as we see a parrot ring the red bell somewhere on a hardware board. I don't get it either. So we head inside the hallways near the locker room as Clamantha close her locker and cuts a play on I'm A Teenage Clam. We see some fish floating around as on the far right we see Milo hiding in the trashcan. How low on the dignity scale do you have to be to think that is a great idea? Bea and Oscar of course aren't hiding. Milo talks about ear clay and Oscar doesn't like it. I don't get the point and I don't want to know otherwise. Bea thanks them as she practices the fine art of not being seen as she does a crappy job of it. Memo to Bea: Don't talk. Seriously, I mean it. Bea thanks them and asks for backup as Milo give her the EXPANDABLE DINO CANDY OF DOOM to Bea and she unwraps it with her teeth and yells FIRE! Oy vey! She stuffs in into Clamantha's locker just before Mr. Baldwin arrives as he is a green sea urchin wearing a brown shirt, bow tie and glasses with black curly hair who is paranoid. Umm; yeah. He wants answers to why they are here after the last bell and Bea giggles. Not a good sign for her in general. Needless to say, the locker breaks and out comes the GREEN DINO OF DOOM growling and being meancing to no one. Ummm; yeah. Mr. Baldwin actually sells it and floats off without incident. WHAT THE HELL?! They put a expandable dinosaur to wreck a locker and he DOESN'T notice? I have new found respect for Harold Buttowski; seriously I do.
Note From The Future: Mr. Baldwin is voiced by Dana Snyder who started as Master Shake in Sealab 2021 in 2001. He then went on to work on Robot Chicken, Minoriteam as Doctor Wang, Saul of The Mole Men, Come On Over, Squidbillies as Granny, Code Monkeys as Todd, and Master Shake in Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. He also was on Chowder, Venture Brothers and Open Season 3. Mad is his most recent credit and has about thirty credits to his resume.
Bea looks in the locker and she swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my gosh!) and man; it's lamer than the Buzz On Maggie. As lame as Maggie was; at least she had a charming dubbed anime style swear (oh my bug!). They look inside and Milo (still in trash can) sees the horror of all horrors as Clamantha has photos and a tribute to Oscar. Clamantha has a secret crush on Oscar according to Milo and Bea. NO?! REALLY?! Like we didn't see that one coming since Clammantha proclaimed that she wanted to be his comb earlier. Oscar does up the class level a notch by asking why it's a horror show when he's involved with a girl and Bea tries to weasel out of the fact that she is a heartless bitch. Okay; maybe not exactly that, but it's close. Oscar talks about shrine and I see a cute spot as Oscar's locker has a shrine to Bea and he slams the door on it before Bea can notice and blow him off for acting creepy. Okay; so Clamantha is the new Hoppo only with the voice of Butterbear and Oscar is Bumblelion and Bea is Butterbear; only with Hoppo's voice talent. No, not really. Bea deduces that Clamantha is keeping the photos in the yearbook office. So we did a throwaway spot just to make the boring teacher look STUPID?! Even Kick Buttowski hasn't stooped to that low. At least not yet.
So we head to the front door of the Yearbook Office. We know this because there is a sign that sezs so. We see Clamantha floating to it and slam the door behind her as her work has only begun. Then we jump cut back to the GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE as Bea laughs off her stupidity. Bea proclaims that they must wait until she comes out and we see Headphone Joe (another green fish who sounds like Wade; but is a janitor with headphones) blow them off because she is never coming out; in her little world and the goofs must give up. Not going to happen Joe; as much as I agree with you. That would end the short and the pain and suffering must continue for another six minutes or so. Milo gets popped out of the trashcan as Joe throws the trash into his trash bin. Milo thanks him and Joe rocks. Headphone Joe is voiced by John Caparulo who is mostly a comedian who has appeared on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Mobile Home Disaster, The International Sexy Ladies Show and Chelsea Lately. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. He has 11 self roles, 2 acting credis and 2 writing credits. That's it.
Oscar proclaims that stats say Bea is screwed; but Bea has a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN in mind to counter this as we zoom in to the locker with the pictures of Oscar and if you cannot guess what her plan is; you have no business reading this rant. So we see Oscar with his book floating towards the yearbook office door and Oscar isn't sure about the plan. Milo has his black bandis mask on; just to screw Bea over of course. Bea wants him to run interfence so they can get the damn picture. Oscar isn't amused; so Bea sweetens the deal by giving his free passes to her "movies". I don't think Oscar wants to be tormented by the future prospect of Bea being in soft core porno. Sadly; Oscar is an idiot and he wants the pain so he knocks on the door. So Milo is the only one who is likeable and that is streching it. He sweats (despite being a fish in water!) as Mio and Bea have their bandit masks on and give the fins up. Bea smile indicates that this plan is silly. Clamantha opens the door and she's giddy over Oscar of course. Oscar naturally wants to check out a shiny thing in the book room and she slams the door shut in front of her and bounces with Oscar. Ummmm; yeah. We get some lame action music as Milo backs himself against the wall near the door and motions Bea to come over. Bea opens the door and Milo does some lame karate moves to amuse me before Bea motions him in.
We head inside the red room as there is a big ass cellphone in the background. Milo hears a voice as we see that the door has a security lock that requires a five digit password as Bea is angry. Five digit passcode eh? Oscar has five digits in his name; she couldn't possability have used THAT name hasn't she? This is too obvious and yet we must waste time so Milo tries to invoke the FINS OF FURY; but no dice. Yeap; he really called them that. No mere mortal can do what Milo tries to do to get over. I think he's trying way too hard at this point. Then it's the PINWHEEL OF PAIN as he spins around after more funny mouthing. Milo is trying hard not to suck; I'll give him that much. When COREY FREAKIN BAXTER is the best one of the show; you have a problem. No dice on that either as he takes a MAN-SIZED bump into the door with his face. He actually bumps better than Kick Buttowski did the first time. That is TELLING for Kick I should note. Milo gets into a hissy fit and Bea blows him off. Oh sod off Bea!
Milo is entertaining me and you are ruining my buzz! Bea wants the cellphone and Milo gives a grey cellphone (which magically appears out of nowhere of course) as Bea calls Oscar. Oh; the subtley is breathtaking in this short isn't it? We then cut to Oscar and Clamantha sharing a milkshake at a resturant. Well; Clamantha is drinking and Oscar is panicking of course. He thinks he sees a date commencing. NO?! REALLY?! Milo likes it as Bea blows Oscar off of course. Oscar states that things are spiraling out of control and Clamantha continues to rub in the love undertones. And I do mean under. Bea tells Oscar to ask her the passcode and Oscar wants to ask something and Clamantha agrees to as long as Oscar tells her that she's pretty and Oscar's reaction is not amusing to say the least and wants bigger compenstation. Cannot say I blame him.
Anyhow we get our second scene changer (eight minutes in) as it is Oscar as I expected it to be and Bea types in the passcode on the big ass cellphone. So the passcode is approved by Clamantha CPU and the door opens as we go inside the hallway of booby traps because this short needs SOMETHING to justify watching over, say, any show in the New Disney. Naturally; Milo sees Oscar's braces photo and proclaims that they have hit the jackpot. Of course he trips the wire to the traps and Bea panics. No really; I'm as shocked as you are. The fish statues fire pearls which makes perfect sense since Clamantha's gimmick is to spit out pearls. Milo dodges despite every shot missing by a country mile. If this is the best the writers could come up with to offer it over their live action offerings; then they are hosed.
Which is par for the course in the new DTVA. And then the contriveness kicks it as Milo gets some sick MAN-SIZED bumps off the pearls. Geez; how showey can Milo get? That's not a criticism of Milo; just an observation because God knows if I can handle this otherwise lame plot. So Bea ruins my buzz by swimming in and saving Milo from the funny bumping and here come the fish hooks from the ceiling just to hammer the series name home. When it's KICK VAINGLORIOUS BASTARD BUTTOWSKI showing RESTRAINT; you got a problem. Bea at least blows off Clamantha's jackhammering as Clamantha CPU decides to enable the laser barrier door of course. So Bea does the limbo; which is too easy for a fish and then we get the arm wrestling spot to pull Milo in complete with human arms jackhammering. Ooooookkkkkayyyyy; that was pretty pointless. We also see a pearl bounce it and it's cut into potato slices of course just to show how deadly the laser is.
Milo gives the thumbs up proclaiming that Bea saved his ass and then we see that his pants got spliced and he's showing his underwear. Except he wears no clothes otherwise. At least the logic is better than Deadman's Drop. Milo whistles and holds his ass as it doesn't leave the room. Whatever Milo. Bea then notices Koi's fat ass mouth picture and flips through as she finds the photo which we don't see. Like this doesn't give away the ending doesn't it? Bea asks Milo not to scream and then we see it and she's....smiling and normal. Quick logic break...Ummmm; here goes: HOW CAN SHE BE SMILING WHEN SHE SNEEZED AT THE SAME MOMENT THE BUTTON WAS PUSHED?! For goodness sakes guys; you broke logic and reason just for THAT finish? I'm beginning to see why so many people wrote off the series. Why not just make her look legit ugly and create a moral about beauty not coming at the price of stealing and breaking into Clamantha's locker, vandalizing property and making Bea realize that a sense of humor is required to go through life?
That would have made sense and gave Bea character instead of becoming just another whiny wench. Instead this only provides that Disney hates ugly people by the critics who make that meme. Milo does me proud by laughing his ass off as Bea goes dramatic on the whole normal picture. Milo tries to explain to her that she looks beautiful (and by this episode's artwork standards; that is true) as Bea proclaims that she doesn't look like a movie star. So Milo relate the lame trap thing as the reason why she's already a movie star which would have been fine if Bea didn't look normal in the picture. Bea tries to emote tears; but Milo's acting just doesn't quite make the scene stick as Milo tries to insist that he wasn't being mean and Bea embraces him. I'm sorry; but the pathos don't work when Bea acts like a bitch for nearly ten minutes.
So we go to the third scene changer (ten and a half minutes in) as Milo and Bea leave the yearbook office and exchange notes on the whole ordeal as Milo admits that he's more concerned about Oscar than the picture. So Bea gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY as she overemotes on cue. So we head to Lover's Tank as we see Oscar and Clamantha watching the GIANT ASS GREEN DINO OF DOOM cover the lamp from a red car near a cliff. Clamantha claims that it's an eclipse as Oscar realizes that they are at Lover's Tank where lovers hold hands. We cut to inside as Clamantha continues her lame charm on a shivering stiff Oscar. Clamantha wants to pucker up as Oscar tries to go to the door; but it's locked. Memo to Oscar: The lock is near the window. Push it if you want to escape. Or are you the dumb racial stereotype?! Oscar is screwed; but here comes Bea knocking on the windshield and she blows off Clamantha because he's her girlfriend. Clamantha actually respects her wishes and tells Oscar to get out of the car. So much for being the new Hoppo. I was hoping for some kissy-kissy stuff and Bea naturally ruins it of course.
And naturally the door opens without it being unlocked as Oscar gets out. Clamantha proclaims that love never dies (death reference #1 for the series) and backs up her car and shatters the tank and it's STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD....Oh wait; wrong show. Naturally; the water doesn't pour out and we have another gaping logic break as Milo appears OUT OF NOWHERE and does a cute spot with his speaking and the fish hook just to...you know what. Milo and Bea slap hands as Oscar thinks that Bea calls him her girlfriend; so Bea slaps fins with Milo and calls it acting as Oscar misunderstands again. Whatever Oscar. Oscar does the Gruffi pose on that one and Milo and Bea giggle on cue. Whee. The GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE embrace each other and swim off stage left as Oscar doesn't want to hear about this again. So we end with a shot of the yearbook and the pages inside as we see Milo, Bea and Oscar being themselves of course and do a zoom in to end the episode at...
Oh wait; we fade to black actually as the end credits roll below and then we see the cages AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) in the pet shop as we cut to a snake and a mouse with a red bowtie on his head exchanging notes on fish and telling us how boring they are. The animation is CONTRIVED here; seriously. The snake grabs a remote control (out of nowhere of course) and turns on the lights to the SPIDER OF MUSICAL DOOM as he is on rock guitar. Oooookkkkkayyyyyy. Oscar of course crashes off-screen into some object and blows off Bea for turning off the lights. The spider rocks the night away much to the delight of the mouse and that officially ends the episode at 11:50 approx. What I saw here was a silly plotline with a spoiled little wench with a logic breaking finish with a few cartoon spots sprinkled in. In other words; it's no different than a live action Disney Cartoon and it's an insult to even a show like Kim Possible which had these live action elements; but also had the cartoon spots to back it up; who actually took the time and effort to write an effective cartoon show. DUD (0%).
Opening Moment #2: Wow; they decided to change the format and use Kick Buttowski title cards; except they are fish tank backgrounds. That's good because the credits are there including everyone who voices the episode! This is something Disney should do for all their cartoons in the future because it's easier for ranters like me to tell who is who and give the voice talents their rightful due. I just wish they did this back in 1985 because it would have made everyone's lives easier.
Fish Sleepover Party: We begin this one as we do the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (seriously folks; this is like going back to the Land of Wuz; only using the same stock footage from Bea Stays In The Picture- only difference is sleepwear is on the letter sign on the right of the pets hop) with the only differences being the redneck janitor has his feet up on the desk and is sleeping with headphones. Wonder if the Seanut Butter version of music? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DOOM on a slightly faster zoom in and the scuba diver model gets fished out by the fish hooks. The school is Freshwater High School for the two of you who care. Then we head into the classroom as Mr. Baldwin (whom I confused with Prinicpal Stickler in the previous short. So he's a seahorse with the same issues as Squidward. Oh joy!) pulls down the screen and it's all about the history of lectures that he is lecturing. Oooookkkkkayyyy. Needless to say; no one in the classroom is liking it except Clamantha of course. So we go to the zoom in shot of Milo and Oscar sitting at their desk from the book of Mr. Baldwin as we get the boring lecture on lectures. He sounds more bored than Squidward ever was. At least he isn't completely unlikable..yet.
The book is all blahs by the way as
we see Milo has ADD. No, not really as Milo blows off Baldwin's nose
because it looks like a cucumber. Oscar blows him off in kind. Even
Fanboy and Chum Chum didn't stoop to the low when they were in class.
They were idiots; but they were kind idiots. Oscar stomach growls on
cue when we see Baldwin's cucumber nose as Milo wants to eat and then
we see Baldwin's lecture end with him snoring. Okay; that was funny.
Milo yells on cue and slaps skin with Oscar as this is Friday Night
Fun and it's time to blow the classroom. Whatever Milo. We then cut
to Bea liking this and she invokes the dreaded checklist as we
discover that the stereotype pink fish is Shellsea as she brings the
cupcakes. I wonder if they are Seanut Butter cupcakes?
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That would explain the janitor sleeping on the
job. Shellsea only said Chuck or Shuck or no reason that I can think
of. Shellsea is voiced by Kari Wahlgren (Denise Buttowski for the two
of you who care); Koi is on chick flicks and Koi sells with a what
and shows a movie called You Got Whale and shows two killer whales in
love with a heart background. That sounds too much like porno to be
taken seriously as a love movie. Although with Bea; that's par for
the course.
Koi Fish & Esmargot are voiced by Rachel
Dratch who started in 1999 with Serious Business as Jude Russel. She
also appeared in the following movies: Martin & Orloff, The
Hebrew Hammer, Down With Life, After School Special, Home of Phobia
and Looking For Kitty. Kim Possible is her DTVA debut as a cameo. She
was also Denise in The King of Queens, and got her big break as a
member of the cast of Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock. Delocated is
her most recent credit. She has been in 40+ productions and has been
in various comedy shows as herself. Anyhow; Bea shows her workrate by
stating that she has the place. They'll met at 7 for the sleepover as
Shellsea likes this because she can have a disco nap. And then we get
a closeup of her with a blue background with sparkles.
Oooookkkkkkkkkaaaayyyyy. Bea swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my
gosh! See; this is just not convincing and excusable anymore since I
saw A Baloo Switcheroo.) and Bea does the double devil's pose just to
steal Kick's gimmick and then Milo jumps in and does it a lot better
than Bea. HAHA! I'm guessing that the lime green snail with the
backpack is Esmargot and the orange fish with curly hair and spotted
pink shirt is Bassy by process of elimination.
Milo grabs Bea and wants to leave to do the Hokey-Poke before Baldwin wakes up; but Bea wants to ruin everything because she..ummmm..is throwing a little party. I'll give her this; Staub's acting has improved since Bratz. Not a lot mind you; but still better. Milo loves parties and of course Oscar and Milo are barred from the party because it's a reverse sexist party. Maybe not in those terms; but implied just enough by Bea. I called that one before it happened I should note. Shellsea's promo on the boys is pretty good which Milo oversells in dramatic fashion complete with good music and begs for mercy and forgiveness. I'm suspecting no dice forthcoming as Shellsea proclaims that she is watching with her fish eyes as she backs up while the rest of the girls float out in front of her. Okay; that was funny. Isn't it hilarious that the most stereotypical female of the group is currently the most over of the group. She's almost as over as Albert Glass is. Almost. On the other hand; at least this show is a group show and so it's isn't all about Bea like it is with Kick Buttowski or Johnny Test. Oscar waves goodbye and sweats on the date thing again. Ah; I see there is some CONTINUITY in this episode. They damn well need it too after all the stupidity of the first episode.
Milo panics because Bea is throwing a party without a single male person in the audience. Oscar plays along just making Milo oversell all. Oscar states in a deadpan voice that Bea will not throw them away. So Milo proclaims that she'll move to FishAustin Texas and get married with someone I cannot make out because Oscar ruins the promo by blowing him off. For goodness sakes Oscar; let him finish the damn promo first; then blow him off. Oscar then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY because according to Milo; she has eight kids and sells real estate. Milo's over the top promo was pretty funny as Oscar panics and then their stomach growls. Geez; even the Backyardigans didn't have these kind of stomach issues. So they float out of the room to the Hokey-Poke and slam the door. Sadly; no retort from Mr. Baldwin. Damn; I wish he woke up so he keeps them after class after all that noise. That would be funny. Then again; that would mean that Mr. Baldwin would be over and new Disney's motto is No Adults Get Over Kids. I shake my head after realizing that of course.
So we go back to the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as I realized that the right side of the screen is dangerously close to showing the real MacDonalds. If that burger looked like a Big Mac; the FCC would be on Disney's ass like a HGH needle being stuck right in there. So we head to Bea's glass house (Oh; that isn't stating the obvious on her, no sirree) as she comes to the door and opens it to reveal all the girls including Clamantha. I guess even Clamantha has taken the hint on Oscar; or she's here to screw Oscar over to regain Oscar as her comb. Actually; the later would be very funny; but that would make her look like the seafood version of Hoppo. And yes; I do not mean _see food_. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm. They then proceed to do the SECRET HANDSHAKE OF DOOM which involves doing the “What?” promo crap done in the WWE. Bea wants to do serious girl stuff as Clamantha wants to do nails; but the girls realize that they have none on their fins. So Koi brings in a box of nails. HAHA! Would have been funnier if they didn't laugh at the obvious and did a double take.
So we go to the scene changer as we go to the Hokey Poke Diner which is a shipwrecked ship about to go into the squid's mouth. Shouldn't be the Tentacle No-....Oh wait; never mind. So we go to the table as Milo and Oscar decide to hatch a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN. They discuss honey river in an attempt to sound witty; but the crickets in the background ruin the effect of course. Milo has nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING as a purple lady fish with a purple hairstyle and heart apron walks to the table and gives the boys the bill. Oscar thanks her and praises her hair calling her Miss Bassy. So the orange curly hair girl is Fimberley then. Fimberley is voiced by Kimberley Mooney and has zero voice experience as the appearances are as a production assistant for Shorty McShortys' Short and Catscratch. Needless to say; Fish Hooks is her DTVA debut. As for Miss Bassy; she is voiced by....wait for it.....Tress MacNeille. FINALLY! A voice actress who started DTVA from the very beginning of it's existence (The Wuzzles) and is a TaleSpin voice. And in a shock or all shocks; she's NOT the last one too.
Miss Bassy calls it a new growth and cries....badly before walking stage left. Man; what a waste of talent there guys. Oscar takes this as a bad curse and Milo agrees that being dudes is ruining their lives. Milo then goes over the top screaming as he realizes his MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN: Dress up like a girl and crash the party. Now that sounds like an excellent plan to me. Because it allows me to laugh at Milo because he often acts like a girl judging by his high pitch scream. Oscar calls it wrong about 20 times (seriously!) as Milo tackles him down onto the floor while revealing the whole plan. Do I get the sense that Oscar is trying to tell Milo about BS&P stepping in or something? If so; he's wasting his time because BS&P thinks male values are bad. They would PRAISE this plan; since Feminine Air already did this with Baloo.
Anyhow; We go to the scene changer as we see Oscar and Milo dressed up like the ugliest girls in history. Even Tan Maragant was beautiful compared to these two goofs. And thank the lord for small favors. Please let Milo carry the rest of this episode; please. Oscar tries to weasel his way back to his house; but Milo stops him and Oscar continues to whine and complain. It may be the oldest trick in the book; but seeing these two trying to be girls is funny actually. We then cut to the real girls inside dancing and doing bad clapping as Oscar doesn't want to disturb their happy place. Milo takes that as laughing at their expense. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! So what Milo? That is what is getting you over. They go over to the glass as Milo tells Oscar to read lips and Oscar is not a lip reader. So Milo translates it as follows and I'm paraphrasing here:
Milo's Translation of
Bea: Who doesn't
want to hang out with Milo and Oscar ever again?
Milo's
Translation of All Girls:
Me! {giggle!}
Oscar:
She didn't say that! {Turns
around}. Oh
my gosh! She really did say that!
Wait; didn't Oscar say he couldn't read lips? How convenient for him as we cut inside to Bea and Shellsea discussing the finer points of chaffed arms. Or something like that because Clamantha comes in with the ASS CREAM OF DOOM as it is time to moisturize and she squirts it. So we cut back to the cross dressing goofs with attitude as Oscar is finally convinced that they need to go in. So we see Milo ring the doorbell as Shellsea notices and Bea is confused because everyone is supposed to be here. Do you get the sense that Bea already knows who is at the door? Anyhow; Bea answers the door and Milo's promo forgets to mask the obvious boy voice in him. Bea yells as Shellsea for no reason other than to look dumb. Milo addresses himself as Milovia (oh god that's too funny) as Oscar blows it and gets kicked in the face by a human foot (!!!). That would be logic break #1 for the short after almost seven minutes; a new record for the new DTVA. Oscar is now Oscarleanabeth which doesn't work as a funny name. I guess Tan Maragant is still owned by Baloo. Oscar of course sweats and naturally we don't see Clamantha notice it. Milo of course blows his cover by admitting that they are girls. Memo to future cross dressers: Never admit you are a girl; because only a guy would say something like that.
Bad giggling abounds from the goofs as I'm SHOCKED that this episode is catching fire. Seriously it is. Then again; there are only two flaws in this short so far and one of them is terminal. I think you can guess that one flaw eh? Oscar and Milo float on in and they think they fooled the girls. In the 1960's; yes. But this is 2010 and of course and Bea and Shellsea are not fooled. Bea feels crushed because she wanted to spend one night alone with her own sex because she spends the rest of the her life with two goofs. Shellsea thinks that they are spies as Oscar and Milo are near the green clothed food table (I think) giggling and sounding like boys trying to act like girls. Bea wants to tell them to leave; but Shellsea stops her. Why? Because she's got a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN in mind to counter. Bea isn't so sure because they are only being dorks; but Shellsea thinks they are being sexists. Which is funny considering that Shellsea is basically a walking stereotype in her own right. Bea oversells panic, anger and pain of course as Shellsea acts all calm and eggs her on. Shellsea loves it and of course we get the JACKHAMMER DISCO SPARKLES OF DOOM to accent it. Wow; I'm loving Shellsea; she makes Bea look insane and cool instead of insane and crappy like she was in Bea Stays In The Picture.
Bea gets the real girls to huddle up (anyone who is a girl and not boys) which Milo and Oscar are completely oblivious to. Okay; Milo is the only one as Oscar seems to figure this one out as Milo wants more dip and chips. So we cut to the FEMALE FOOTBALL HUDDLE OF DOOM (Hey; Ruby Huxtable played American football in The Cosby Show; so....) as Bea tells the girls that the boys have invaded and Koi grunts of course. Bea of course understands her (HA!) and she crushes her own fin and wants to make the boys earn it since they picked the wrong night to screw her; I guess. Anyhow; the huddle breaks and they go over to the table. Milo continues to greet and sound like a boy trying to act like a girl voice. Memo to Milo: Run NOW! If you don't; you are ROOM FEED as Joy from Video On Trial would say. Shellsea is pissed off as Oscar notices it and Shellsea does the Gruffi pose because that's her normal face. Milo shows off his female face which looks like a moronic clown in case anyone was watching.
Bea has her Gruffi pose on as she proclaims that girls love makeovers. Okay; here's the obvious problem with this: If girls are supposed to be equal; then why invoke something so stereotypically female. Why not something male that Oscar and Milo cannot do to save their lives? I mean; if they cannot make it as a stereotypical man; then they have no chance in hell of doing something stereotypically female right? Besides; this is also pointless because Milo and Oscar did make themselves over AS cross-dressing boys! So this makes no sense whatsoever; and it ruins an otherwise decent short. Good going Bea; that's twice you break logic and reason. Oscar sweats and we get the human foot in his kisser again to break logic as Milo loves makeovers. No one ever accused Milo of being the sharpest knife in the drawer that's for sure as Shellsea and Bea snap their fingers because this is perfect for them.
So we cut to the two cross-dressing goofs with attitude as Koi rises from the dead (okay that was neat!) and grabs the boys and floats away stage left as Bea wants the facial makeover first as we see Kimberely push a button on the remote control on the bubbly (basically a hairdryer on the floor which looks like a honeycomb) and the two goofs get their heads blown with bubble air. Sadly; the animation is contrived as only the teeth move on that one. This isn't torture; this is Bea's ego in machine form. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Next up is the mud masks; so we cut to Koi dumping the goofs face in mud. HAHA! Next up: Sparkles as Clamantha does the honors of spitting spit and pearls right in the goofs face. Well; Milo should be used to this since this is the same spot from Bea Stays In The Picture. Better selling ensues of course. Milo proclaims that he feels totally refreshed and Oscar is done. However; Shellsea isn't done as we turn on the tape recorder from Deadmans Drop and they....wait for it.....rap? Okay; this is now officially torture! I take it back. The boys are given phones and we see Jockoptous on the split screen. Whatever. They get bowls of dip stuffed down their throats as Bea's dancing sucks worse than anything done on Dancing With The Stars. I'm guessing this is going on Video On Trial now.
Then it gets really absurd as a human baby joins in! Seriously; someone thought inserting a human baby was witty. All it did was kill the CONTINUITY this series was shooting for. This is turning into a Spongebob SquarePants episode and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Oscar apparently has had enough torture (since it would take years) and Milo tackles him down because he doesn't want the cover blown. Sadly; Oscar proclaims that if Bea is going to love them as they are; then they must be men and Milo doesn't want him to do it because Milo as a girl equals ratings. Awesomeness yes; ratings not so much. Oscar hates ranters like me and after an over dramatic speech by Milo; Oscar sells for three seconds and then blows his cover complete with craziness stripping on his part. He cries badly after matching Milo with a crazy speech of his own as he throws his feather duster away and we hear glass shattering. I betcha it was the glass window too.
Oscar then goes crazy as the girls simply no sell the no thing. Okay; I can understand no selling Oscar; but Milo?! Bea admits that she already knew and Clamantha is surprised of this and explodes into a ball of fire. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Oh wait; I hate Clamantha. That was AWESOME~! Oscar wonders how and Bea proclaims that girls are not idiots. They just like doing stereotypical things to make us think they are idiots. POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... Shellsea accuses them of being spies and Bea proclaims that they hope they learned that it's not easy being a girl. If that's how to be a girl; then it's not easy to be a bi-sexual. Which is actually true. Milo and Oscar then finally admit that they don't care about being girls; they only spied on her because they were afraid of losing her to marriage. Yes; I know it doesn't make any sense; but it was entertaining so who cares? The girls predictability sell that bill of goods and therefore are proven to be more stupid than the boys. That just warms my heart. No, not really. More like send the woman's movement back about three months tops.
Koi grunts and Milo is amazed of himself as he grabs Shellsea and Bea and wants a pillow fight. HAHA! Then the girls finally get it and kick out Oscar and Milo out of the house on their faces. HAHA! Bea proclaims that it's still a girls' only party and closes the door. We then see Milo and Oscar on the sidewalk proclaiming that they tried and Milo pokes at Oscar's nose. Oscar asks what is next and Milo proclaims that the night is young and he wants a boy's sleepover. That naturally leads to inside someone's room as we see Jockoctpus strangling Milo and Oscar. HAHA! Oscar wants to be a girl again as we get a closeup of his face with his tongue sticking out and that ends the episode at 11:20 approx. Strangely enough: Mrs. Goldfishburg doesn't appear once in the episode and yet her name is on the opening credits. Just to note: She's voiced by Edie McClurg who is the second TaleSpinner to voice in this show. I'll do her credits on Captains Outrageous. Anyhow; much better short with Milo just playing this to the hilt and Shellsea's performance. Still; the finish was silly and Bea is her usual crappy self without Shellsea around. Call it *** 1/4 (65%).
Fish Out Of Water: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (letter sign: Television Repair) and we see the redneck janitor repeat his buffering the floor from Bea Stays In The Picture; only with more animation. We zoom into the ROMAN ARENA OF DOOM as we go to the classroom and notice Bea sitting at her desk talking to Clamantha next to her sitting on top of the desk about her name. I see Koi and Fimberly; but I cannot tell who is the blond hair fish in the middle of the background wearing a blue shirt and actually doing school work. See; Bea wants to be in the school play as a superstar complete with yodeling sound. Clamantha thinks she'll be great and then she gags...and spits a pearl right into Bea's kisser. HAHA! Nice to see female on female violence is still allowed in the new Disney. Bea thanks her for the _pearl of wisdom_ and Clamantha proclaims that she is a clam as we pan over to Oscar doing school work and Bea starts annoying him. Bea asks about him coming to the audition and Oscar covers his work (which is a drawing of Bea and Oscar sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Okay; maybe not quite that obvious.). Oscar cannot keep it secret as Bea looks at it; but only gets about three seconds as Oscar grabs it and shreds it to a million pieces. Whatever Oscar.
Bea is SHOCKED at this violence against paper as the door closes and in comes Mr. Baldwin floating in with his orange mug of coffee. Wonder if someone is tainting his coffee with seanut butter. AHHAHAHA! We do the roll call to waste some time as we then discover that Milo is not here for some odd reason. Oscar and Bea look at each other and then we get some rumbling and we then see the GIANT ASS CONTRIVED CGI FISH OF DEATH push in ready to MURDER Mr. Baldwin as he looks terrified. That's ONE way to make Baldwin sell. I should point out that the fish is completely CGI with 2D teeth as Milo comes out doing the Kick Buttowski double devil pose. Milo drops on his ass as the class sells it badly.
Baldwin points out that he's late again as Milo squeezes the water out of his hair (How does that work in water?) and Baldwin points out that he was swallowed by an eel which Milo oversells. He does this overdramatics until Baldwin blows him off because he's....wait for it....having a baby and everyone is SHOCKED and APPALLED. I have no experience in animal biology; so I'll take his word for it until I have evidence otherwise. See; it's never about Milo and Milo's problems. Oh please Baldwin; having it all about Milo makes Fish Hooks somewhat tolerable. Clamantha likes it though as Baldwin claims that male seahorses can have babies and Baldwin admits that he didn't know either. This kind of makes Baldwin's whining seem a bit pointless as he goes for his closeup and Milo must decide between being a fish or a cellfish. Huh? Does THAT make any sense to anyone? Oh; I get it. Selfish...HAHA! Milo gets it and his voice echoes as we go to the Milo and Oscar's fishtank inside the living room. Okay; here's the obvious question: How do they get from fish tank to fish tank if the tanks are sealed with glass?! We see Milo paincking like crazy while eating an apple while standing in front of the video game screen as Oscar no sells and plays video games. Oh; and Oscar claims he loves him; but Milo is selfish. Milo talks with his mouth full as we see Bea reading and wants Bea to stop what she's doing. Is Milo the fish version of Al Khan or something?! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
He asks if he looks selfish while doing these silly eyes spot. Bea no sells and Milo cannot believe this. See; he reveals a summer vacation plan for them just to prove that he's not selfish. We then see the comic book panel and see those water-suits where they can explore outside the tank and stay hydrated. Bea doesn't get it as Milo proclaims that they are going outside the tank complete with heavenly flourish. Bea blows it off because he has her auditions see. So Milo doesn't want to wait; so he stuffs a goldfish bowl on his head (how ironic?) and swims away. Bea and Oscar plead for him not to do it; but Milo stuffs himself into the water tank pipe and it shoots him over the tank to the outside. See; now the series has shredded it's image of being just an animated version of live action Disney. With stuff just like that. I just wish they made THIS short the preview short so the expanded audience can look at it and say: "Okay that's different and worth watching".
Needless to say; Milo drops like a stone and the goldfish bowl breaks and he's literally a fish out of water. HAHA! Oscar and Bea panic of course and everyone screams as we get a shot of the redneck janitor spraying a goldfish bowl with some Windex or Febreeze depending on what era you enjoy. Oscar swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my gosh! For goodness sakes guys; get another dubbed anime style swear.) while biting his fins complete with Hanna Barbara teeth chattering sound effects. So Bea proclaims that they must buy the watersuits now as we cut to Milo flopping like the crazy fish that he is. So we cut back to Bea on the purple telephone calling and they want the fastest delivery possible as they order the suits and the purple seahorse guy comes in about four seconds later with the box as he enters and they all pump their fist. Ooookkaaayyyy.
So we go to the scene changer as we get a long sequence of Oscar and Bea suiting up and upping the water pressure of the tanks. Quick question: Why did we see parts of the machine in their glory; yet the Lightning Gun shots got snipped in the syndication version of Plunder and Lightning? They squeeze themselves into the pipe and Oscar asks if he can hold hands and Bea blows him off. What a bitch this Bea gal is? They get shot out and we see Bea land with the spare tank (for Milo no doubt) next to her on the conveniently placed magically out of nowhere hamburger (WHAT THE HELL?) safely while Oscar takes a MAN-SIZED bump on the floor. Riiiiggggghhhhhhtttttt. Like I'm supposed to buy that it was a funny gag; and not a BS&P decision, suuurrrreeee. Oscar blows off his face and Bea panics as Milo is almost going to get eaten by the magically out of nowhere flies (three of them) swarming above his body. So Bea grabs Milo and stuffs him against the wetsuit and he gets showered and regains his breath in that order. Good for them. Can you imagine how crappy the show would be without Corey Freakin Baxter to carry it?!
Bea asks if he's all right and Milo knocks on head and it's made of solid wood. So Oscar proclaims that he screwed up twice. Sorry Oscar; but Miss Cunningham is ahead of you by 20 years at least. Milo gleefully answers that one for me because they are outside the tank and can have their ADVENTURES OF DOOM just to say "screw you to BS&P"! Or maybe not. Bea no sells because she wants to work on the audition and Milo complains. It's funny how everyone calls Milo selfish and yet Bea only cares about is HER audition. Projection much there gals?! So Milo makes the gain that this is a life experience and Bea sells it. HA! Oscar sadly ruins it; but Milo stops him and behold the levels as we see all the pets in their cages complete with heavenly music. Needless to say; it literally turns into a video game in his head. HAHA! Seriously; how did Bea Stay In The Picture turn out so bad?! Is there some Disney rule that the worst episodes of the series must air first? Did they all see Piratesy Under The Sea and think: Good idea?! Oscar naturally agrees to it and Milo asks if they are sold on it and they sound like they are reluctant to do it. Milo proclaims that it's the spirit of course. Man; Milo is so good when he sounds so dumb.
So we go to the SCENE CHANGER OF DOOM to see the redneck janitor at the pet shop cash register asleep with his feet in front of the cash register. No wonder he doesn't get any business. Maybe waking up would help him. Hell; stop dressing as Larry The Cable Guy would help even more so. So we get a musical edition tour of the pet shop with the GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE bouncing off of pieces of meat and a basketball. Bea gets the hotdog WITH MUSTARD of course as the pets are amused. Then we get some posing and a shot of pictures being taken of the babyfaces (who uses an analog camera anymore?) and then some pipe sliding into the hamster cage. Oscar is running on the hamster wheel of course. Then we see them running away from a turtle. Come on you idiot writers; do you honestly think that mocking TMNT is going to get you over? Ask the old DTVA guys how much THAT worked. Hell; look how successful it was to mock Bugs Bunny in 1989? Exactly. It of course ends with a rainbow jackhammer of Friends with the babyfaces because this is the ADD era of DTVA of course.
So then we see the goofs with attitude laughing it up of course and then Milo's wetsuit is flashing red and making beeping sounds. Milo wants eyes; so everyone gets pumped with water to the eyes and then they laugh again. Whatever guys and gals. Milo talks about how fun that was as they leave water puddles on the floor and Oscar and Bea are reluctant again. These two have more indecision than a weightlifter. Bea and Oscar than admit that they loved the experience and Milo wants to go to the audition. Again; who is the one with selfish issues again? And then we hear rumbling and it takes forever as everyone panics and the birds in the cages squeal which is the indication that the big ass cat of death is arriving to eat some fish. Damn; I am so good. Oh; and a monkey joins in for fun before the big ass cat arrives of course. We get the STAREDOWN OF DOOM as a fly annoys the right eyeball of said big ass cat before flying stage left. Ummm; yeah. Milo thinks he's friendly and the cat hisses. Yeah; he's friendly all right.
Cue
scream and bail as it's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE CAT
EDITION~! Ironically; the cat walks like a robot and slower than the
turtle. How about that for irony?! So Bea stops Milo and they go hide
in the gerbil orange ball. Yeah; the dumbest possible place you can
hide in; real smart guys! The cat bounces the ball and Milo gets
bounced out and bounces with a MAN-SIZED bump off of a plush toy
lizard on a high shelf. Ummmm; yeah. More smacking the orange ball
and Oscar and Bea take MAN-SIZED bumps into the wooden side. Oscar
and Bea embrace in fear as the big ass robotic cat tries to stalk
it's prey. Oscar proclaims that he has something to tell her and that
he....wait for it.....is a plumber. Bea is as confused as I am. Oh; I
get it; it's the hyper reference to Super Mario Brothers/Donkey Kong.
Whatever.
Bea panics on cue as the cat continues to
stand there with it's back turned to Milo who realizes that they are
in trouble. He blames himself for it (which in a certain way is true;
but Bea is a selfish wench who wants to get into porn; so bully for
her.) and then slaps himself and knocks one of his teeth out. HAHA! I
see he learned his lessons well from Don Karnage. Milo proclaims that
he has to do something; so he bails and returns with the sack of cat
nip (helpfully labeled as such in black letters) and throws it so
hard and it nails the cat right on top of the head. Sadly; that only
makes the cat more rabid. D'OH! So Milo bails for object #2: The
laser pointer; which actually causes the cat to follow the laser; but
the laser slips from Milo's fins and falls onto the ground and
pinpoints right on Oscar's noggin.
You can guess what the cat does next here. Oscar swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE and hugs Bea for the third straight time in the short in that order. He even rubs Bea's red hair for good measure and then we see Milo using the pink yarn to....bungee diving?! The cat turns around as Milo annoys the cat to hell and then bounces up and the cat collides into the yarn scratching post with a wussy bump. His head is stuck as he can do nothing but scratch the post. Bea and Oscar thank him and proclaims that Baldwin is wrong and that Milo is not selfish. Which would have been more convincing if Bea wasn't MORE selfish than Milo to begin with. Milo loves it so he does the cannonball and squashes Bea and Oscar on the floor. HAHA! SCREW YOU BEA~! Bea then notices the magically out of nowhere wrist watch on her arm and it digitally beeps and said Right Now. And she repeats it. It's not enough for her to show it; she has to say it.
Bea panics that they will never make it; but Milo proclaims that they will. So he then panics as we see that they are recycling the sequence from Snowpocalypse. Only the role of Gunther is Milo; Cat plays Oscar The Dressed Up Dog and the rest play fishing pole. We then head to the STAGE TANK OF DOOM as we see the Auditions Today sign in black written letters. And then we see a black Mussels with black arms proclaiming that he didn't get the part; but his mean voice tries to be nice and Albert Glass (dressed as a viking) cries because Mr. Mussels is scaring him. Mr. Mussels is voiced by Tiny Lister who should be familiar to WWE/WCW fans as he was the wrestler Zeus and Z Gangsta who feuded with Hulk Hogan in the mid to late 1989. He started as a guard with Runaway Train and Eight Million Ways To Die. He has more than 150 credits to his resume; but Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. He also appeared in 50 Cent Bulletproof Video Game and Chillionaire's Ridin music video as a police officer (which was bashed on Video On Trial). His most recent credit is The Preacher as a producer. He is currently in 12 productions that have yet to be released to boot. Albert Glass is voiced by Atticus Shaffer (they hired a child under 18 years old? Really?) who started with The Middle as Brick Heck in 2007 followed by the television series in 2009. He then did mostly cameo appearances and a few movies like Opposite Day, The Unborn, Big Fat Important Movie, Leaving Barstow and Hancock. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut (understandable in this case since he's 12 years old). Frankenweenie is his most recent credit as Edgar coming up in 2012. He has 14 credits to his resume, 4 self credits and 2 ADR credits. That's it.
So Albert Glass swims off stage left living up to his name as Zeus Mussels looks at his clipboard of doom and there is Bea and there's some other guy and Why are you trying? Who in their right minds would call themselves some other guy?! So we cut back to the cat running and then we see the cat jumping in Powerpuff Girls Slow-Motion and the babyfaces jump off and the cat misses them by a mile and drops to the floor. Milo bounces off the fish food container for fun and then they dive down as Milo lands in the seat next to Mr. Mussels and Bea and Oscar do somersaults. Whatever. Oscar lands in the seat next to Milo and Bea lands on the stage and sticks the landing complete with heavenly music. Mr. Mussels is in shock as he is impressed (did I mention that he has a MEGAPHONE OF JIMMY HARTS and therefore that's why he's screaming?) but he isn't convinced....so the fish food container overturns and empties it's contents on Bea and I betcha that is enough for her to get the audition. I check the Youtube video....Damn; I'm good as Bea and Oscar embrace on stage with Mr. Mussels watching on. Yeah; Albert was awesome in being a viking; but Bea does nothing and she gets the part. Methinks that process is rigged. Oscar blushes as they separate and Milo staggers in and they do their jackhammer rainbow aura friends spot as Mr. Mussels joins in. However; Oscar blows him off and Mr. Mussels realizes that he's not invited and drops down. Selfish pricks these goofs are. That leads to the zoom out of the pet store as the cages are open and a red parrot is out; so the redneck janitor finds the magically out of nowhere RIC FLAIR BROOM OF DOOM and chases the robot cat from hell stage right. The parrot flies into the screen and that ends the short at 10:00. Fairly fun episode which would have been better if Bea wasn't more selfish than Milo. *** 1/2 (70%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Wow; Bea Stays In The Picture was crappy to say the least. The episode was slow and plodding and it has a predictable finish which broke logic just to make it worse. I had a bad first impression of Bea as she was basically a gimmick wench character who over emotes and cares way too much about ruining the entertainment value of an already troubled show to begin with. Oscar wasn't good either; but at least I have some sympathy for him as a babyface. Milo was the best character and while he's no Ron Stoppable and too dumb to pull it off; he did amuse me enough. However; the whole episode was banked on Bea pulling through and she failed badly. The whole picture concept is overplayed; although not as much as the gnome objects and would have been an okay story if they went with my idea for the finish instead. The artwork is ugly and the animation was all right for Flash; but the stop-motion real animals and humans is awkward and jumpy; but at least the characters can emote which was something Kick was lacking. Clamantha just doesn't work as an Oscar foil; the voice is too terrible to give her any serious character development. Mr. Baldwin is denser than Harold and his one scene makes Squidward look like a genius in comparison. How he missed the obvious vandalism is beyond me; even the teacher from Fanboy and Chum Chum was more self aware than this.
As I said before; these flaws are bad because they are added to the major flaw of this series: It feels like a live action Disney show. I don't know if it's because it's by design; or it's because Disney cannot do a jobs-valued show anymore. Either way; this is a bad sign for this series and unlike Kick Buttowski; it doesn't have an interesting premise to back itself up. It's The Buzz On Maggie; only with fish and at this rate; it might fall faster than Maggie ever did which makes it even sadder. The next two shorts are Fish Sleepover Party and Fish Out Of Water which do not help shed the image of this series either although Fish Out Of Water is interesting for the plot at least. I fear that by the time this is all over; I will be writing off Fish Hooks as well. Prove me wrong Mr. Jones, prove me wrong.
Fish Sleepover Party did not suck however. See; this is what happens when you let Milo carry an episode on his back instead of focusing on Bea. I finally love Shellsea with her attitude, disco jackhammer and ability to make Bea sound cool in face of her crappy performances. Oscar even improved quite a bit once he was forced to dress like a girl. The whole slumber party plot line is overplayed; but I laughed my ass off on Milo's performance as he just played it like there is no tomorrow. Still; I thought the finish was too stereotypical to make the girls look like the smart ones and the rap sequence was really stupid; so it wasn't all wine and roses so far. I did like the ending though. Still; it still feels like a live action Disney cartoon and inserting a contrived spot of a human baby showing up in the rap sequence only served to prove my point. This is only good because it was executed well and execution will always rise above bad idea. Ask TaleSpin about it. Overall; a pretty entertaining middling short.
Well; we finish Fish Out Of Water and it's fairly middling thanks in large part to Milo. I enjoyed Milo's antics; what can I say? I'm still not sold on Bea and Oscar is starting to grow on me a little bit. This short as I said before could have been better if they got rid of the magically out of nowhere objects and if Bea wasn't more selfish than Milo was as Milo seems to be merely an idiot who doesn't know any better; than someone who is selfish. The cat did provide a cute foil; but it was due to Milo's carrying the episode than anything else. Mr. Mussels needs to stop screaming all the time if he wants to be seen as anything other than Tony Lister looking like Zeus; and I hope Albert Glass doesn't get buried after his one appearance speaking. Overall; an amusing episode.
So that concludes the introduction to Fish Hooks and I'm surprised actually. It's not TaleSpin and no one should think otherwise. However; it's a mildly fun series that just needs to improve on their female lead Bea. Bea Stays In The Picture was terrible; but that can be laid at the feet of Bea and Clamantha. I laughed my ass off when Milo carries shorts in spite of the overused slumber party plot device and Milo looked really good in a plot device that makes the series look like a step above live action Disney. If the writers are smart; they'll produce shorts just like Fish Out Of Water. However; somehow I doubt it since Disney seems content with what they have and don't really care if this show gets over or not since they have live action to fall back on and justify. It's sad in a way because with a little more fish food and less Bea as a wench; this series couldn't be easily be written off like Kick Buttowski was due to having Kick being so unlikable. Still; if Disney thinks that DTVA is truly back; then they need to stop dreaming and start taking their small victories when they get them because this show is no Phineas & Ferb by a long shot; and without some really creative plots to back themselves up with; I fear that when the first season is over, the show will be seem only as a really dumb show that wasted it's good talents on. So.....
Thumbs way down for Bea Stays In The Picture; and a thumbs in the middle for both Fish Sleepover Party and Fish Out Of Water and I'll see you next time.