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Fish Hooks

Doris Flores Gorgeous/Under Water Boy Rant

Reviewed: 11/26/2010

Milo: Badass Water Sucker!


Okay; that is a neat episode title, I'll give them that much. Needless to say; without even watching the episode and only doing a wee little bit of research, I knew exactly what the finish was before the opening theme even started. Not so much with Underwater Boy though as Bea becomes pointless, Milo is slightly less pointless and Oscar does nothing of note. Yeah; let's rant on shall we..?!

Doris Flores Gorgeous is written and storyboards are done by Derek Evanick. The story is done by Jacqueline Buscarino and direction is done by William Reiss. Derek has only one credit: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack as a writer and storyboards. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. Jacqueline started as a production assistant for Spongebob SquarePants, did a video for the Whoop Ass Girls...Errr..I mean Powerpuff Girls Christmas special, Dexter's Lab and Camp Lazlo. She also did some acting (!!!) in Analog Days, My Life With Morrissey, What's Wrong With Ruth, The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack (also did story writing) and Adventure Time with Finn and Jake. Fish Hooks is her DTVA debut. She also produced G.I. Joe Resolute, did soundtrack for Chowder and got a special thanks for Freaknik: The Musical. Go Tell Ricky Scrotum is her most recent credit. One final note: Maxwell Atoms does voices as well! How about that?! Well; with that name, I'm not surprised to discover that actually.

Under Water Boy is written and storyboards are done by Alex Almaguer, William Reiss and Maxwell Atoms. The story is done by Andy Rheingold and directed by Maxwell Atoms. Alex started with Johnny Bravo in 1999 and then moved on to Time Squad, My Life As A Teenage Robot, Evil Con Carne, Grim & Evil, Foster's Home For Imaginery Friends, The Grim Adventures of KND, Random! Cartoons, Chowder and several television movies. Phineas & Ferb is his DTVA debut. I think that's our first non voice talent having a non DTVA debut here. Andy was a writer for All That, Space Ghost in 1994; and then it was Kablam!, Beavis & Butthead, Spongebob Squarepants, CatDog, Undergrads, Zoe Kezako, Codename: Kids Next Door, Skunk Fu! and Little Spirit: Christmas in New York. That's it. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. All episodes are done in Flash; with CGI animals in the background. Heh.


Doris Flores Gorgeous: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM and this time; our redneck pet store owner has a dating service sign up. I get the fact that the sign is a motif for each episode; but still you got to wonder about redneck dating. Does it involve fishing and hunting? Or does it involve being the hero to remove a president from office because he is an illegal lizard alien....Allegedly. We then get the disturbing moment inside as Larry The Cable Pet Store Guy steps on a squeaky toy hotdog and then eats it. Yeap; he might just be a redneck. So we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and then my heart sinks as they superimpose the word Monday in white letters on the middle of the screen. I never understood the point of this since no one cares about what day it is in a cartoon unless a funny deadpan narrator is doing it. Considering that Jackie used to work on Spongebob; color me not amused.

So we head to the hallway as Oscar is grabbing stuff from his locker and Milo has the Gruffi pose. See; Milo asks Oscar how big the pipe is as we get a closeup of it to force the point. Oscar claims that it's as wide as a fish head. I'm guessing Milo tests Oscar's theory by sticking his head in the pipe like an idiot because the little brother has to be the moronic one of the outfit. In amazement to me; Bea comes in right in time as Oscar asks Bea about watching Lazy Fish, Nerd Fish (or vice versa of course) ; but Bea wants a raincheck because she's going on a date. Oscar is not happy to hear that one as Bea's lucky date is Bo Gregory (big ass fish with almond hair and a green shirt with a tractor on front- voiced by Maxwell Atoms) as she wants the old hayride trick. Maxwell doesn't sound too bad for a redneck I should point out. Not much I know; but at least he's tolerable. Bea and Bo exit stage left and....

...we logically go to the parrot ringing the fire bell and we superimpose the words Tuesday in the middle of the screen. Damn it guys; it wasn't funny in Stumped and it's not funny here. Just can it already. Anyhow; we return to the hallway as Milo asks if anyone has stuck their head in the pipe. Wait; Milo WAITED a whole day to ask that question?! Why not five seconds AFTER Bea left? It's not a logic break; but it does make Milo look REALLY STUPID in hindsight. So Oscar explains to him and Bea enters again as Oscar shows Bea his OUT OF NOWHERE banjo. And I betcha it goes to the same place. I check the Youtube video. Damn; I'm good as it's Hugh Edmoniston (Green fish with matching hair, scarf, French Cap and glasses. Voiced by Maxwell Atoms again) date to the Kelp Museum of Doom as Hugh's French sounds like someone with an English accent. Bea calls for Tootles (from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and it doesn't show up of course as Bea and Hugh leave stage right. Actually; this is a good thing since Bea hasn't exactly endeared to me.

We logically go outside the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as the fish swim around and we superimpiose the words Wednesday in the middle of the screen. Needless to say; we head to the hallway and see three fire fish with a blowtorch and a step ladder trying to uncut the metal above Milo's head. HAHA! Take one guess where Milo is right now. We see Bea and Oscar already as Oscar asks Bea for lunch and Bea wants a...you guessed it. It's James Sardines this time as she checks her purple notebook. Oscar points out that Bea has been going on a lot of dates recently and Bea states that this is what they do in High School. But do most dates involve teenage sex and drugs? Have something to hide from Oscar there dudette?! Bea is doing dates three times a day as Milo cheers for her or her death. It's hard to tell with Milo actually. Needless to say a red car honks and pulls up (in a school? Seriously?!) as we see Jamie Sardine being a rebel according to Bea. In a way; that is true as Bea plops herself in the front passenger seat and the car takes off stage right. Oscar thinks that it's down to Milo and Oscar; but Milo Gruffi poses him because he has a date with an orange fish with brown curley hair, pink checkered shirt and braces. Ummm; yeah.

So we go to the scene changer as Oscar has become an island on himself with his tray of lunch and shakers with salt & pepper in them. Then the tray gets smashed and here comes Clamantha. Oh goody; the worst character in the series arrives to suck and blow pearls at the same time. AHHAHAHA! She licks her eyes and hair just to gross me and freak Oscar out. Clamantha then puckers up as she wants some kissy-kissy stuff. Now where is Hoppo when you REALLY need her?! Oscar stops her at the pass (YAY!) as Clamantha can't date him because he's got a girlfriend see. Of course you do Oscar; and her name is spelled C-L-A-M-A-.... POW! OUCH! Ummmmmm..... Oscar swims away stage left as Clamantha proclaims that she'll get that kiss come hell or high water (my words; not hers. Ironically; my words would have been funny. But since BS&P disallows hell, I am screwed.) as she sinks below the table. Whatever Clamantha; you are still a sucky character.

Anyhow; we get the scene changer as we head to the hallway to see Milo and Bea giggling with their books and then Oscar meets and greets. Oscar asks if they want to hang out and watch some television. They bicker and Oscar invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH on them and calls raincheck bitch! Okay; that was pretty funny as Oscar has a girlfriend and Milo is APPALLED while Bea calls this awesome. Of course Bea; you think you are his girlfriend. Milo likes this as Oscar proclaims that she's nice and loves the things he loves. So Bea pushes the issue and wants a name. UH OH! Oscar sweat bullets (in an ocean?) as he looks around and sezs door as Bea thinks her name is Doris. Oscar points to the floor and the last name is Flores Gorgeous. Oh come on Oscar; this has got to be an obvious setup here! If you cannot figure out who Oscar's girlfriend really is; you have no business reading this rant. Oscar proclaims that she's the girl in his head...ERRR...I mean girl of his dreams. That officially makes Clamantha the girl of his and my nightmares by default. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BOINK! OUCH! Ummm... Milo and Bea get all giddy about love letters, love treats and love calls as this short is somewhat creeping me out. Oscar stammers and that logically leads to...

....Oscar running into his house into the kitchen as Oscar brings out the LOVE LETTERS OF FAKENESS and then takes out the lipstick and applies it to his lips and then kisses the hearts on his Valentine Day cards. Okay; that is pretty funny in a perverse sort of way. He then piles them onto the welcome mat and swims away stage left just as Milo enters inside and demands answers to the love letters on the floor. Well; at least Oscar is littering his own floor; so it's perfectly all right. Oscar comes in sans lipstick and grabs the love letters. He then  takes them away and we go to the scene changer as Oscar channels the power of the Urban Peasant~! So much so that he only uses flour and eggs; puts the bowl in the oven and it comes out with baked treats and a bunch of red roses on a silver platter. Ummm; yeah. Logic break #1 for the episode right there five and a half minutes in. We then see Oscar swim and plop on a loveseat eating the goodies just as Milo enters to blow him off for spoiling his dinner. Considering that I sometimes eat dessert BEFORE I eat supper a number of times before hence; I can safely put that crap of a myth to rest.

So we get the scene changer as we see Oscar go to a telephone near a power pole (How does that work; I'll never know) and dials the number to Milo's house as we return to Milo noticing the telephone ringing (and it's an antique phone) and Oscar swims in and answers it. It's from "Doris" of course what a shock?! Milo gives the thumbs up and leaves as we go back to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as Jocktopus pounding a basketball. And we superimpose the word Thursday in the middle of the screen. I'm waiting with baited breath to see Jock go ballistic over this and nothing happens sadly. So we go to the hallways as Bea and Milo wonder where Oscar is. I see thet put a "Do Not Insert Head" on that pipe as Milo claims that Oscar is probably with Doris. Bea is worried as she uses the circular logic of doom to horrify Milo in over dramatic fashion. See; they are terrible best friends as Oscar comes in wearing a green sweater with a green heart which said "I'm Dating Doris!" Oh come on Oscar! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER ALREADY!

Milo grabs the sweater and panics as Bea wants to know more about Doris and Oscar sweats again. Milo asks what she looks like and we go into the WUZZLE INTRODUCTION OF DOOM as she's 5' tall, blond hair , red lips, matching dress and a hear tattoo on her right arm. She's all purple which is screwed up to look more indigo. We return to reality (no, not really) as Milo is impressed. Milo can see her now as we go into Milo's vision of Doris and damn it to hell if it isn't funny. Bea asks when they can meet Doris and Oscar screams never before recoiling and admitting that she lives far away in Fish Niagara Falls. Can you smell the setup coming; or do I have to spell it out for ye?! Oh; and bus prices are expensive as Bea thinks Doris misses him. I agree; except her name isn't really Doris. It's more like C-L-A-M-...POW! OUCH! Ummm... Needless to say; she waits at noon and Bea calls it so tragic. It's more tragic seeing Bea's acting skills; when Corey Baxter has to overcompenstate for Chelsea's shortcomings. Not a pretty sight to say the least. Oscar sezs goodbye and swims away stage right as Bea is so upset about Oscar's girlfriend getting screwed by bus prices. Like I give a crap considering that I get screwed with the bus all the time and still manage to find a way. Milo pounds his fin as he wants to help Oscar get his date back and Bea asks how.

That logically leads to Oscar on the purple loveseat (oh great; now the continuity is shot in this series too) knitting a Doris Made This blanket. Or something because we see the glass shatter and it's STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! Oh wait; wrong show as it's Milo driving a truck with Bea in the passenger seat. WHAT THE HELL?! Aren't the fish fourteen years old and unable to legally drive? Oscar is SHOCKED and APPALLED; abeit for different reasons compared to me. Needless to say; it was Bo Gregory who let Bea borrow the truck. Why am I not surprised? Bo Gregory IS a redneck after all. YEE HAW! POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... Bo leaves after his tolerable voice and Oscar is trying to weasel his way out of his but no dice. I don't blame him since I know the finish to this well before this episode started. So we go to the scene changer and we have the road trip to Fish Niagara Falls which is one mile away according to the sign and we see Milo driving like a madman. Wow; and he's still better than the Wuzzles driving skills. Rhinokey must be crying in his root beer after that one. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bea is giddy and Oscar's teeth is chattering as he looks like he's going to have a stroke at 14 years old! Milo wants a flute solo and Bea wants to do a pop song. Please don't guys; I already put up with enough torture with that rap song from Fish Sleepover Party as it is. Even Oscar kind of agrees with me as he wants the bathroom; so Milo gives him a mayo jar to pee in. Oooookkkkkkayyyyy. Unlike some people I know; this doesn't offend me as long as he pees off screen. Bea panics as we see that the tunnel bridge is out and Milo stops the truck on a dime and we break logic as the truck is on the WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD for logic break #3 for the episode. Still better driving than the Wuzzles though as Oscar feels relieved that Bea and Milo's MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN went up in smoke. Riiiiggggghhhhttttt Oscar. If only. Oscar then makes the fatal error of saying that they would have to jump the bridge to make it and Bea holds Oscar's hand and Milo does in kind. Oscar naturally panics on cue as Milo guns it (I see he is wearing a human leg and black leather boot just to break logic. The truck races for it's life as the Doris Flores Goregous chant by Milo and Bea  is downright creepy. What is this; a cult?! Needless to say; they jump the ramp, break down the ramp and make it to the other fish tank without any incident. Heh.

Then the truck goes into a tailspin (BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) and they crash into the barrier and somehow it stays perfectly intact. How about that?! We zoom out to see that they are at Niagara Fish Falls (whatever) as the babyfaces get out and admire the impressive visual if nothing else. Milo then notices the BARREL OF LAUGHS and ponders about fitting his head into one. We then see Bea and Oscar exchanging notes about girlfriends and love in general. Then the clock strikes noon on the post clock as Milo gets giddy and Oscar just comes out and blirts that Doris is not coming at all because she's not...And then we hear the VOICE OF DOOM which happens to be Doris' voice. Doris is voiced by Tiffany Thornton who started with Quintuplets in 2004 and mostly did cameos for 8 Simple Rules, American Dreams, The O.C., Desparate Housewives, That's So Raven, Jericho, Side Order of Life, Wizards of Waverly Place, Hanna Montana and Leo Little's Big Show before getting her big break with her most recent credit as Tawni Hart in Sonny With A Chance. She also appeared on the television movie Hell on Earth, Hatching Pete and the short The Schartz-Metterklume Method. That's about it. Fish Hooks is her DTVA debut. She also appeared on the 2009 edition of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and two other appearances. That's totally it dogs! There isn't anymore.

Now again; if you cannot guess who Doris Flores Gorgeous really is, you have no business reading this rant. Se appears in the flesh as Oscar is in COMPLETE OVERSELL OF HORROR MODE as we get the melodramatic love music of doom as I wait with baited breath......wait for it.....wait for it.....fireworks flare as Oscar admits that he thought he made her up......Oscar turns around and implies that he wants Bea to be his girlfriend as she yawns.....and he turns his back, floats away... and....BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! For those who don't get it; it is Clamantha as she rips off the Doris Flores Gorgeous disguise and blows her cover. Easiest call ever guys. Clamantha calls checkmate bitch on the kissy-kissy stuff and then uses her tongue as a helicopter and leaves. You know what; Clamantha no longer sucks except for her voice now. It takes a considerable amount of effort to pull that stunt off. Oscar goes over to Bea and tells her that everything is great. Of course it is; if you are Clamantha of course. Oscar wants to go home; but Bea notices that Oscar is gone. Needless to say; we see Milo go down the falls in the BARREL OF LAUGHS just to amuse me. And we go off-screen as Milo takes a MAN-SIZED bump on the rocks for good measure; much to the cringeful watch of Bea and Oscar.

So we logically return to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as we superimpose the word Friday on the screen as we return to the hallway to see Oscar putting some stuff in a box called Doris' stuff. Bea swims in as she asks Oscar if he wants to go to the Hokey Poke for lunch. Oscar is surprised since she is supposed to have a date and Bea proclaims that she put a raincheck on it to spend some time with him. How charming...No, not really. Then we see Milo overselling injuries in a complete body cast and is in a wheelchair. He smirks as Oscar and Bea think he is so sweet as a bump machine. IN YOUR FACE KICK BUTTOWSKI! When even Corey Freakin Baxter bumps better than you; you are hosed as a character. Milo cringes trying to laugh to end the short at 10:47. This short was predictable as hell; but it was built up nicely and the finish payoff was still pretty good and they kept Bea to a mininum.*** 1/2 (70%).

Under Water Boy: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (this time it's water bottles) and we see Larry The Petshop Owner get his ass kicked by one of the rabid pets while playing football. Okay; this was pretty funny. We then zoom into the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and then into the hallway as Milo is dressed like a magician. He then introduces his latest invention: The HAT OF MINI COLORS~! Needless to say; Koi Fish, Dan Chovie and Fimberly aren't colored impressed. Fimberly gleefully ignores him because the word algae sounds funnier. I beg to differ Fimberly. That hat was AWESOME! Then we cut to two fish members of the marching band playing on trumpets and here comes the Freshwater High School Football team presented by Coach Salmons himself. Oh my gosh! He sounds like and looks like Richard Simmons on speed. Oh wait.... Coach Salmons is voiced by Richard Simmons and really do I even need to bother with telling you who he is?! Sweating to the Oldies, HELLO! Okay; his acting credits are: The Richard Simmons Show in 1980, From Here To Maternity, Dinosaurs (take one guess what role he plays), Dream Maker as host, and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer 1998 edition as Boone. Plus an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Hercules the series is his DTVA debut believe it or not as Physedipus. His debut was Everyday as himself in 1978 and his most recent credit is The Wendy Williams Show.

Needless top say; thier mascot is a purple fish hook which makes them the Freshwater Fighting Fish Hookers. AHHAHAHAHAHA! Or maybe not quite that. POW! OUCH! Ummmm...Of course the quarterback of the team is Jocktopus and he has the trophy MVP as he breaks down the door literally as Fimberly oversells all as the starting lineup squashes Milo into a flatfish. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jock wants to sign autographs as Jock's cheering section even offers to be a step ladder for good measure. Milo then gets stepped on eight times by Jock. And he was just getting over his injuries from Doris Florious Goregous too. Jock asks who's first and Dan and Ann Chovie (basically fish twins with the Oscar Vandersnoot glasses; but of different genders and hairstyles) step up to the plate. So Jock uses the blue marker and paints the fish hook symbol on their faces. I see those two have about as much foresight as Jackie The Stalker Wackerman; only with zero heat and insanity to make me care.

Dan & Ann Chovie is voiced by Jane Carr and according to the USIMDB: Born Ellen Jane Carr on August 13, 1950, in Loughton, Essex. The daughter of Patrick Carr, a steel erector, and Gwendoline Rose (née Clark), a postal employee, an innate gift for performing was discovered early on by a teacher. As a result, she took acting classes at the Arts Educational School and Corona Stage School, both in London. Jane made her stage debut at age 14 in a production of "The Spider's Web," then went on to appear as the impressionable, ill-fated student Mary McGregor in "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie" starring Vanessa Redgrave at the Wyndham's Theatre in 1966. Earning smashing reviews, Jane recreated her shy, stuttering misfit with a delicate mixture of pathos and poignancy in the film version of The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969), this time with Oscar-winning Maggie Smith at the helm as the dangerously influential schoolteacher. A year later Jane displayed just how extensive her range is projecting devilish menace and merriment in the little known but excellent cult black comedy Something for Everyone (1970), which became a cinematic highlight in the careers of both Michael York and Angela Lansbury as well.

In the early 70s, Jane made fine use of her prim, "plain Jane" looks for comic effect on several British TV series and in guest appearances. Loftier moments came with the superb series "Upstairs, Downstairs" and a production of Daphne Laureola (1978) (TV), that starred esteemed acting couple Laurence Olivier and Joan Plowright. Never far from the stage, Jane appeared in "Spring Awakening" in 1974 and earned a 1977 Olivier nomination for her work in "Once a Catholic". In 1978 she became a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) and added a solid body of classics to her theatrical resumé, including "A Midsummer Night's Dream" (Olivier nomination), "The Tempest," "As You Like It," "Much Ado About Nothing," "The Merchant of Venice" (with Alec Guinness) and "The Merry Wives of Windsor". She also reconnected with her "Jean Brodie" co-star Maggie Smith in a production of "The Way of the World" in 1985. It was not until 1986 that Jane came to the States playing multiple key roles in the epic RSC revival of "The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby" on Broadway.

When the touring company returned to England, Jane elected to stay in Los Angeles. The following year she married Chicago-born actor Mark Arnott. They have a son, Dashiel James. Jane proceeded to develop an American fanbase after being cast in the role of warm and fizzy Louise Mercer in the sitcom "Dear John" (1988), which lasted four seasons. With her chirpy British tones, she also managed to carve a career for herself in animated voicework. While she continues to appear occasionally on TV and in films, she hasn't found quite the showcase she did with "Dear John," but has enhanced a number of such off-kiltered shows as "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Monk" with her unique brand of comedy. Recent plays have included "The Cider House Rules," "Noises Off," "Blithe Spirit" (as Madame Arcati), "Habeas Corpus" and David Hare's "Stuff Happens (as First Lady Laura Bush opposite Keith Carradine's bemused President). Jane's latest venture on Broadway has been as Mrs. Brill in the musical "Mary Poppins". Scene was her first credit in 1968. Kim Possible is her DTVA debut and has played two Grandmothers in Phineas & Ferb (Winnie & Fletcher). Hanna Montana The Movie as Lucinda is her most recent credit and has 92 credits to her resume.

Then Fimberly gets it with proper consent and this one is more nastier. I don't get how this is informed consent to write marker on your face. Fimberly screams for fun anyway as Milo calls for Oscar as he appears with a big book (which he probably is going to use to weasel out of kissy-kissy with Clamantha again knowing him.)  because he has had a life changing experience. Oscar is pleading for him not to have it to do with joining the football team and his eyes squeak. Oscar gets flustered of course and we go to the scene changer as we see Milo and Oscar knock on the door and out comes Bea looking like a moron. Look; I like the fact that she likes a sport that I would love to see females get involved full time, but that doesn't change the fact that she looks like a complete tool in that outfit.

Milo and Oscar look scared for Bea's sanity. I would question her sobriety at this point. Oscar explains that Milo wants to join the football team but doesn't know how to play football. Milo claims that he is in it for the glory. Why doesn't that surprise me?! Bea has evil intentions in mind so that means it's the MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN commencing. So we go to the scene changer as Bea asks Milo how much he knows football. Milo basically answers by cutting a promo for about thirty seconds explaining that he basically knows nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING. I'll leave the promo as an exercise to the reader. Bea stops him before he does his head killer dance of doom as this will take much more work and Milo claims to be a good worker.....So we get the old Spongebob Squarepants time shifter of doom only with football references and without the deadpan narrator to make it hilarious. It's four hours later (quick learner indeed eh?) and we see Bea's room completely ransacked with Bea's head in the tailpipe. HAHA! That's the third good thing she's done in this series actually. Oscar's torso is in the ceiling and naturally Milo is on bottom. This would have been funnier if we had a deadpan narrator beforehand. Bea claims that this is how to play football as Milo asks about how to dance. Ummm; yeah. So we go to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and then pan east to the football field and some football noises as we see a pan shot of the starting lineup for tryouts. Why does Jocktopus need to try out again? He's the MVP of the team! It's not like he's not going to make the team or something.  Milo think he's fine; but the spiked fish pumps up to prove who is the smallest and Milo gets squashed.

So we see Coach Salmons blow his whistle and Milo gets to show what he has got. Look; I like Richard Simmons, but I cannot take him or his team seriously coaching this team. I can see him as a gym teacher; but as a coach, forget about it. Milo tells the blow fish to watch his mad skills and addresses him as Christopher as he swims off. Then we find out that that it's Stephanie and she's voiced by Chelsea Staub as well. So we get Milo generally making an ass out of himself. He dribbles the football like a basketball and then brings out the tennis racket and plays the football like golf. Then he jumps and surfs on the sliding football. Bumble Swasher has nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING on Milo. Jocktopus blows off this craziness; but Coach Salmons blows him off are wants Milo to keep trying to make an ass out of himself. Okay; maybe not. Milo grabs the football with a baseball mitt and he slam dunks the football over the uprights. I call that a field goal complete with a degree of difficulty of 9.9 so he gets 30 points total. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SLAP TIMES EIGHT! OUCH TIMES EIGHT! Ummmmm...

 Jocktopus is not happy as he speaks in the third person and sorry Jocky; Molly is much cooler than you doing that as Milo does the fish version of the moonwalk. Kick wishes he had the heat of Corey Freakin Baxter. Coach Salmons loves it in such a creepy way that it's too funny as Jock blows it off again. Salmons gets so angry that he's thrilled and then goes over to Milo and Salmons looks like a pervert for some strange reason. Oh wait; Richard Simmons again my mistake. Milo gets cocky because he shows off his fin muscles which doesn't account for much in this fish world. Salmons agrees with him that he's a star.......wait for it.....WATERBOY~! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love Coach Salmons already after THAT one. Jocky invokes the POINTY TENTACLE OF DEATH on Milo in response (pervert!) as he walks off because he got some justice of something.

Milo wants to wait a minute and they both stare at the camera. This would have been funny if they did it for exactly one minute; but this lasts only about ten seconds before Milo starts to whine. See; they are underwater so being water boy is useless. Riiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt Milo. Considering that Oscar sweats like bullets UNDERWATER; you are no expert in the confines of the logical universe here. Then we hear Coach Salmon go overboard with the promo because being a water boy is his destiny. I guess Coach Salmons believes that being a coach was his destiny too. Well; I think destiny was drunk at the time. Here; it's perfectly sober. Destiny; not Coach Salmons of course. SLAP! OUCH! Ummmm....Milo just plain over-emotes on that response as Salmons loves the smile and wants to see him at the game as he swims off stage left. HAHA! Milo blows him off and quits right there.

Scene changer as we head to Milo's bedroom (with a red bulb light) as Milo is sitting on his bed playing video games (I think) as Oscar swims in. Oscar asks why he isn't at the game and Milo proclaims that they made him water boy and he quit the team. Oscar points out that Milo MADE the team in spite of being a water boy and Milo is not amused. Oscar points out that Milo's important to the team and he uncorks the pie chart as Milo doesn't get it. Oscar takes a piece of the pie to force the point and Milo swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my gosh) because he's now just a piece and he wants the pie. Oscar tries to reason with him that it's a PIE CHART and not a REAL pie; but Milo wants the damn pie. Oscar's sad face is downright hilarious as Oscar hands him the pie chart and I betcha Milo eats the pie chart. I check the Youtube video.....Damn; I'm good. Then the scene goes red and Milo knows what he must do which would have been funnier if we saw him re-switches the lights before we go back to color and he waddle swims stage right and thus payoff the red light bulb on the ceiling. Oscar sezs okay and we go to the scene changer.....

We head to the 30 yard line as we see Milo with his water pack from Fish Out Of Water! How about THAT for CONTINUITY?! Kick Buttowski wishes they had half of the continuity this series has. Ponder that for a moment and DESPAIR~! Sadly; there is no one as we see Headphone Joe swimming around sucking up whatever on the football field in a zigzag pattern. Whatever guys. Headphone Joe gives the thumbs up on Milo as a water boy as he proclaims that there isn't much. Milo isn't all that amused on that one; but Joe reveals that he might be needed for the game against the Geckos at the Gecko tank. Yeah; the football game is on the road against a tough opponent. It's burning BABEE so said Joe and Milo panics as we head to the gecko tank and see the Geckos on the football field with their coach Geckoach (blue hat, whistle, certainly more suited to coaching than Coach Salmons). 

The Geckoach is voiced by Dave Wittenberg who has 229 credits to his resume and most of them are anime or video games so I won't bother listing most of them here. Attack Of The Gas Station is his debut in 1999. He does have a cameo in Duck Dodgers 2005 edition, Stroker & Hoop, Family Guy, Legion Of SuperHeroes, Ben 10, Codename: Kids Next Door and Grim & Evil. Stich! the anime is his DTVA debut and has also appeared in The Replacements. Chowder and Generator Rex are his most recent credits discounting his limitless anime dub appearances. God Of War 3 is his most recent video game credit and Naruto: Shippuden is his most recent anime credit.

You know it's an anime voice doing the voice when Geckoach calls the Freshwater Fish Hooks the Freshwater Fish Jerks. WHAT THE HELL?! That is lame guys. I can understand them not calling them the Fish Hookers; but why not the Fish Girls? It makes sense as an insult and it gives the female fans some incentive to boo the geckos out of the building. Only Jocktopus is a real jerk and the rest are basically under the influence of Jock anyway. One of the teammates crackles as we see the school bus arrive and the water sprays out and out comes the Freshwater Cheerleading group led by fish I don't know; except for Clamantha. Damn; this is the fifth straight short she has been in. They do their cheer and it sucks; oh lord it sucks. Probably because they allowed Clamantha to sing. Damn; this just makes Bumblelion's infamous engine starting to drown out Hoppo's singing in the Wuzzle 500 more unjustified. Even Bea's rap was more dignified than this. Out comes Coach Salmons as he wants his water boy and I cannot help but think that is creepy considering that Coach Salmons is basically a fish version of Richard Simmons. Everyone drops and flops like fish out of water. Now you all know how Milo feels; most so Jocktopus the Slightly Better Version Of Brad Buttowski. Milo finally gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and climbs onto the top of the fish tank proclaiming that his teams needs him. We continue to see the fish flopping as Geckoach blows them off as the geckos kick field goals, extra points, score touchdowns, whatever. We are up to 28-0 already on the scoreboard as Milo invokes the GOLDEN SHOWERBOY HOSE OF DOOM (oh boy!) and has trouble using it. Oh man; that was more disturbing than I had intended.

We cut back to Geckoach blowing off the backflopping overselling of Coach Salmons. Geckoach offers a bottle of water and they can have it if they forfeit the game and go home to their mommies. Oh; that is SO heelish of you...NOT! I mean; how stupid do you have to be to NOT sign up a water boy fish as a backup when Milo quits?! I mean; they could have the previous water boy being sick or turning on them to become the water boy to the geckos or something which would make more sense and give the geckos heat. Otherwise; screw Freshwater High School for being morons. Salmons really shows off his old age as he is so thirsty. That allows Milo to plead for Salmons not to do it and here comes Milo with his WATER TANK HOSE OF DEATH to the rescue as he washes the field with water. Milo invokes the water hose and Geckoach gets sprayed and pushed stage left as Salmons gets the bottle of water. Milo cheers for victory as he sprays his teammates and Coach Salmons. Amazing enough; the team somehow manages to move enough towards the center of Salmons for our first logic break of the episode eight minutes in. The crowd fish pops; the red shirt geckos give them heat of course. Everyone gets up and Salmons does his rage and fury promo. I'm sorry; I cannot take him seriously trying that when it's Richard Freaking Simmons cutting the promo. I see the cheer leading squad is perfectly all right which begs the question: How sadistic is this cheer leading squad if they had secret water and didn't SHARE it with their football buddies?! More spraying from Milo as the water makes the geckos slip. Milo is a cheater! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER!  Jocktopus does the water slide spot for a touchdown to amuse me.

It's 28-7 as we see Milo throwing water on the babyfaces as Jocktopus threatens to hit Milo if he hits him. So Milo hits him with a bowl of water and Jocktopus waddles off. WHAT THE HELL?! At least slap Milo once with the tentacle if you are going to say that. We quickly have the score 28 all and I have one question: What kind of football game is played WITHOUT a clock?! Any clock?! We see the cheer leading squad in the wadding pool and Clamantha's voice keeps sucking the life out of the amusement. We get a mud bath, more water showers from Milo and the fish retake the lead 35-28 and then we go up to 56-28. So we AREN'T going to do the winning touchdown finish? Please don't tell me that the finish is going to involve Bea having trouble with her locker as Wikipedia claims?! A gecko tries to tackle Jocktopus with the football; but he gets roughed up. That's 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct! HELLO! And where's the freaking referee?! And he does it about eight times which would have him ejected and he gets the touchdown. This is so pointless because they are literally running up the score and thus they are turning into a heel football team.

Milo sprays Jocktopus in the mouth as we head into the crowd and we see Bea and Shellsea getting sprayed for no reason whatsoever than to confirm that Shellsea is in the building. Her charm is cute because Bea is jealous of her hair and she gets to hurl nasty swearing at the gecko babyfaces now. Well; DUBBED ANIME STYLE swearing anyway for obvious and not so obvious reasons. Bea then recoils and tells Shellsea not to touch a thing. Shellsea purrs like a cat (oh the irony!) as the carnage continues on the field. This short is dying faster than Coach Salmons over dramatic selling and not in a good way I might add. The scoreboard explodes on cue when Milo probably sprayed that and everyone cheers except for me as now the football team is a bunch of heels. Shame on Coach Salmons for approving of this nonsense and lack of fair play. Geckoach is pissed off and he will invent the time machine and they will be sorry. Personally; that turns the geckos babyface by proxy now. Really smooth move guys. Jocktopus has one thing to say to Milo and Milo isn't exactly happy to hear this and Milo is DA BOSS. Milo thanks him and we get the football victory spot which is so unsportsmanlike because it only works when the winning team barely escapes with the skin of their teeth. Fimerbly bounces in and she STILL has the blue hook mark on her kisser as she declares Milo the MVP. Whatever; I don't really care anymore.

Milo does the dreaded moral speech which would have been a million times more effective if this was a close game. Otherwise; it makes Milo look like a selfish heel that he really isn't. Oh; did I mention Bea has joined in; but not Shellsea?! Milo then takes a wooden tank of water and dumps Salmons with it. At least the logic makes sense here since there is no water in this tank. Salmons goes overboard on his hair and the team has a good laugh. Bea then notices that it's the last of the water and then everyone oversells death again. HAHA! Salmons pumps his fist and yells at Milo and we fade to black. Well; at least they didn't do the Bea locker finish because that would have made this short suck worse. So we head to the couch at Milo's house as Oscar is playing video games and tells the camera that he doesn't do football and that ends the short at 10:47.

Anyhow; I'm skipping the end credits because it's basically the same routine between the snake and mouse in that they blow off the fish for whatever reason. Mouse is voiced by Vanessa Marshall and unless she gets a actual role in the series; I'm not going to list her credits here. Snake is Karl Wahlgren by the way. The short was chugging along good until the really crappy finish which really did some damage on Milo's babyface heat. Call it ** (40%).


THE REVIEW LINE

Well; we have a good short, much to my surprise, in spite of the logic breaks and the predictable plot with Doris Flores Gorgeous. That was due to the fact that the writers were smart enough to tease the real Doris Flores Goregous before the proper finish kicked in and it ended up being funnier than I thought it would be. It also gives Clamantha the much needed heat she needed to overcome the otherwise crappy voice she got with Alex Hirsch. I also found the build to the short pretty good and logical for the most part even though it was pretty silly throughout most of it. So overall; this was a good middling episode that didn't offend me and made me a happy ranter.

Wow; I thought Under Water Boy was going to be a thumbs up short with Milo realizing his importance of his own job and his usual cute antics and then once Milo stepped into Gecko's fish tank; the short went into hell. I mean; why didn't Coach Salmons hire someone else and then have him sick or turn heel? That would make Milo look like a moron for not considering his part of being with the team instead of making Salmons look really stupid. And then they went for the run up the score finish which turned the football team into heels and the geckos babyfaces after showing the geckos as heels. That basically destroyed the good will of this short for me and it made Milo's speech at the end pointless. Why should I care if Milo is the MVP when the football team basically slaughtered the geckos who looked like capable opposition for the most part? Why was Shellsea even here? Why bother having Clamantha here if you're going to have her sing because her singing is just as bad as her voice?! Oh and Wikipedia lied about the locker finish by the way because it didn't happen at all. The setup and build was fine; but the payoff was just UGH! So we end up with a.......

Thumbs in the middle for Doris Flores Gorgeous and a thumbs down for Under Water Boy and I'll see you next time.



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