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Fish Hooks
Doggonit/Queen Bea Rant
Reviewed: 01/07/2011
Doggonit! Bea Finally Got Over.
Welcome kiddies to 2011 as my first official rant of 2011 begins with Milo getting a dog. And I DO mean a dog BABEE! I think you can predict who is horrified about this event. Oh boy; we also have a Bea focused episode and she wants to become homecoming queen. This is truly a special day; that we might get our first negative star episode of the series. Will that happen? So let's rant on shall we...?!
Doggonit is written and storyboards are done by Carl "Papercut Peterson" Faruolo. The story is written by Tim McKeon and directed by Maxwell Atoms. I guess Carl got cabin fever with Kick being so unlikable. All episodes are done in Flash; with CGI animals in the background. Queen Bea is written and storyboards are by Derek Evanick. The story was done by Tim McKeon and directed by C.H. Greenblatt. Carl started with Spongebob Squarepants in 1999 as a director (and even did a party extra voice in the show) and then it's Evil Con Carne, The X's, Grim & Evil (series and OAV), Chowder, FusionFall video games and Underfist: Halloween Bash voicing Fred Fredburger. Ummm; yeah that's it. Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut of course. Derek also does voices as the Student Council; just to get the guest voices out of the way. Heh.
Doggonit: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (today's sign: Home Insurance) as Bud the Redneck Janitor sweeps up the floor. Bud is voiced by Dana Snyder by the way. So we head to Oscar's living room as Oscar is playing on his video game chair. We see a Kirby character dead ringer wearing Mario overalls and hat with a hand saw (!!!) bouncing around about to MURDER a turtle with it. Oh and I see you can still made gun noises in a Disney show as long as (a) it doesn't make sense in the context of the game playing and (b) sounds like a laser. The door opens in the background and MILO IS HOME~! Oscar proclaims that he's using his new video game chair to play...wait for it.....Cookie Carpenter Cousins. That is so lame; I bet Disney Interactive makes a complete game out of it for Nintendo 3DS for the end of 2011. Milo gets all giddy and then jumps on Oscar and gives him three messages in a row including one in the eys. ZOINKS!
Oscar blows him off and asks why he is so super argo nice. Milo proclaims that he has a big surprise and that he's warming Oscar up. Milo floats up; whistles and calls out for Murphy. Oh boy; I think we know where this is going as Oscar is confused and then he's SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED as we see a white dog's leg completely destroy the television. I see he hates lame platformers as much as I do; so Murphy is automatically over by proxy. Oscar panics as Murphy barks and Milo takes the barks as Murphy wanting to stay forever and Oscar is absolutely horrified because he's huge see and someone has to feed him, and where does he use the bathroom as we see in the background, Murphy actually poops on screen and almost dumps on Fimberly and Esgormargot in the process as they scream and bail like fried fish. Yeah; that went out of nowhere and went the same place. If they wanted to do that spot; have Clamantha standing there so there is some heat on Oscar from her.
Milo doesn't care because he's so adorable. Yeah; Milo is hugging a dog leg like a stripper pole. No; it doesn't offend me, I'm just telling it like it is. That the TOY BURGER OF DOOM (from Fish Out Of Water) squashes Oscar flatter than Alexender the Grape. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! Oscar does recover on top of the burger invoking the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH as Oscar proclaims that only Milo likes it. Sadly for me; Bea comes in and loves the dog. What a way to ruin a possible episode there guys?! We then discover that Bea found him which makes it even worse! See Bea is part of a dog rescue group because dogs are fish in her eyes. In an animal context; this is perfectly true; from an anthro context, this falls under the Orac Rule of Animals. Read his animal testing articles on Respectful Insolence and you'll see why I refer to such rule. Oscar is still panicky because dogs are a lot of responsbility (well so is making Bea not suck; Shellsea can atest to that at least.) and like having two Milos. Just two Oscar? Oscar needs to learn the fine art of hyperbole; he's showing too much restraint. Milo and Bea blow him off while bouncing off Murphy's toes. Apparently; Milo is house trained which begs the question: What was he like BEFORE?! Bea wants Oscar to try out Murphy and love him as Oscar decides to try him out for size because it won't hurt. Riiiiiiggggghhhhttttt Oscar.
Scene changer as we see Milo and Oscar with Murphy as Milo orders Murphy to raise his paw which Murphy sells. Oscar is actually happy to see this as he steps forward to shake Murphy's hand. And Murphy fist bumps Oscar's face and Oscar goes flying with a decent bump off-screen. Milo calls the fist bump the secret handshake. Geez; even this cartoon is making terrorists out of us all. No, not at all. Then they act like dogs and throw the MAGIC DIRT OF DEATH on Oscar's corpse. Logic break #1 for the episode almost three minutes in. Scene changer and we have a box of flea bath soap (helpfully labelled as such) as Milo shakes the box and does the bubble segue into the trio washing Murphy's leg. I don't get the point of srubbing Murphy in a fish tank filled with water. Then again; the logic of this series is Spongebob-equse so it makes sense in that context. Oscar is warming up until we see a washed up flea on Murphy's leg and it blitzes and tries to bite Oscar's face off. Oscar bounces into the videogame chair of course. Scene changer as we see Bea and Milo with the milkbone as they throw it and Murphy eats it. Milo and Bea tell Oscar to do the same because if he does; Murphy will love him forever. Oscar slowly grabs the milkbone and Murphy grabs him and the milkbone; makes a hole in the living room and buries Oscar and the milkbone. Wow; even Drake Mallard didn't stoop to that low with Bushroot. Yet. Oscar proclaims that it does hurt to try. You THINK?!
Scene changer as we return to the wide shot of the fish tanks and then zoom into Oscar's living room as Oscar is playing with his video game chair (I see he has found a spare television in between scenes too) as the SHADOW OF DOOM beckons and Murphy's Paw (get it?) bounces on the floor. Thankfully; it's house trained not to destroy anything...yet. Oscar peels his face off the floor as Milo tells him to wake up and witness Milo teaching Murphy a new trick. Murphy rises his paw on command and Milo orders him to count to ten. So Murphy stomps the ground as hard as he can ten times. Needless to say; Oscar bounces and everything gets destroyed of course. Amazing the gaming chair is perfectly intact despite Milo complaining about it. Bad, bad logic break there guys as you will see (yes; I watched in one in advance; why do you ask?). Bea enters and she wonders about the place as Milo proclaims that he was playing with Murphy as Oscar shakes like a leaf. Bea calls him so cute in that voice of doom just to piss me off. What's the point of Bea being in this episode anyway? Other than padding the episode running time? Bea floats over to Milo and asks about going to the mall to pick out clothes for Murphy. Bea needs an overdue visit from Oscar the Dressed Up Dog and to get a clue. Milo is giddy and tells Oscar to watch Murphy while they leave because dogs aren't allowed unless they fit in your pocket. I betcha they have Stephannie's barking ability too as the Rock would joke. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm....Milo also gives Oscar a leash because Murphy needs a walk. I'm certain Oscar wishes that leash was around Milo's throat right now. Milo and Bea go through the opposite door (!!!) with glee as Oscar whips the leash and it smacks him right in the kisser. HAHA!
Oscar then goes on a massive rant blowing off Murphy complete with the dreaded POINTY FINGER OF DEATH as he destroyed his bed, computer and he's even drinking out of the potty. I don't understand why he bothered saying potty. Is toilet a forbidden word on children's television or something? Oh and Murphy's disgusting drool is everywhere on Oscar's lunch as Oscar proclaims that he's the alpha dog in this room and Murphy no sells. So Oscar foolishly flashes two fingers (and then panics of course) and Murphy stomps on his video game chair and it's destroyed. See; this is why Oscar's panic earlier was pointless. Oscar does the worst NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO scream I have ever heard and then cries because it was limited edition too. Get thee a life Mr. Hardcore. POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... Oscar continues the overdramatics on his back and uses the joystick to blow himself. Ummm; yeah that was more disturbing than I had intended. Murphy wails and Oscar gets on his case and claims HE knew how much he loved that chair. I thought Oscar didn't believe in Bea's nonsense of dogs being fish too? Oh and the chair is killed as Oscar sobs badly (for death reference #1 for the episode). Oscar tried to love him and wishes Milo never found him which is another logic break because Bea clearly TOLD him that she FOUND him. Who's idea was it to have Carl write this episode again? Needless to say; Murphy is sadden and he walks away behind Oscar's back. After all that logic breaking; can you blame him?
Oscar turns around and he panics swearing in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my gosh....this one sounds so awkward that it sounds poorly acted to me.) as Oscar proclaims that he didn't mean it. Riiiiigggghhhhtttt Oscar; I'm not buying that you are half beta fish. Oscar pulls on his curly hair worried about Murphy (or getting MURDERED by Milo which I doubt will happen) and claims that he'll never made it (despite that they are in fact in a shiny PET STORE). Milo panics around and we see Milo come OUT OF NOWHERE (using the original door Bea entered earlier) as he has the world tiniest dog sweater. To quote Jay Leno: YOUR DOG IS NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT~! Oscar screams much better now and bites his hands. Oh and the shirt sezs Daddy's Boy with a paw on it for the two of you who care. Milo calls for Murphy as Oscar sweats like mad and Milo whistles some more and searches for Murphy in the smallest places possible. HEE HEE! Oscar sweats some more as he then admits that he ran away from home. Milo is shocked as he asks if Murphy stole his keys. So Milo has a car? I thought he couldn't legally drive....Never mind; the fish logic is so fishy. Then we find out that Milo has a motorcycle. So much for being house trained as Oscar's sweating is a thing of beauty. Milo panics because he was looking for his real daddy. So let me get this straight: Bea kidnapped a legit dog because it was "abused" by his dad; but that didn't really happen and Murphy wants to return to his daddy? So that means Bea is a lying sack of crap and the most unlikable character in the New Disney by a mile. Wow Zoah; wow.
Oscar and Milo do some stupid mouthing and speaking of the lying sack of crap; here she comes in with a striped T-shirt and a basketball jersey. The later I know as such due to the number four on the front of it. Milo proclaims that Murphy discovered that he was adopted, stole his keys and bicycle to find his real daddy. That makes no sense at all; but it sure as hell is funny. Bea actually sezs OMG (Wow; Mrs. Kane has regressed back to her Bratz days I see. Figures; knowing that she's in a foot fetish music video. Ponder THAT one for a minute!) as Oscar proclaims that there is some truth to that and considering Milo's overness; I cannot argue with that logic as Milo and Bea embrace and cry. Whatever Bea; someone needs to slap you for being a socialpath. Oscar doesn't help me there because he's got the guilt face on and then slaps Milo's back and proclaims that they are going to rescue Murphy. I see Oscar is infected with Bea germs too.
So we go to the scene changer as we get the GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE getting their water packs from the junkpile (!!!) and we get a long sequence of them putting them on. Wow; you know Deadman's Drop sucks eggs when Cory Freakin Baxter can do a picture perfect Let's Do This promo on the closeup of Milo's face. They rocket from the tailpipe into the air and where they land; do we really care? Just to make things absurd; they break logic by acting like they are breaking through the earth's atomsphere. Whatever guys. Faceplants on floor ensues; flopping fish and water recovery ensues all with a degree of difficulty of 9.9. Milo stands up and calls for Murphy; but no dice. Milo yells if Murphy can hear him as we zoom out to the shelves and we have the echo. Oscar nearly blows his guilt out before recoiling (not as funny as his NEVER response in Doris Flore Gorgeous) as he thinks he went due south; but here comes Bud and his RIC FLAIR BROOMSTICK OF DOOM. Wow; this episode has actual CONTINUITY from the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM and thus isn't completely useless. The goofs bail behind a shelf as Milo thinks Bud thinks that they are trash. What an ungrateful bastard this Bud fellow is?! Oh wait; he's Larry The Cable Guy's evil twin brothers; that explains it. Oscar then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and wants Bea's makeup and Bea gets all trampy claiming that her makeup is signed off by her mother. HA! Oscar wants to hurry as Bea invokes the Gadget Trick of Doom (you know what I am talking about here) as Oscar has the makeup pom poms as he floats to the middle of the walkway and bangs on them. Okay; that was more disturbing than I had intended.
Lots of pink dust abounds and some get on Milo and Bea's mouth to boot. Ummmm; yeah. So Milo makes the most of it by claiming that he doesn't feel trashy at all. I beg to differ considering Bea's attitude towards animals. Bea doesn't caare as the pink dust clears in front of Oscar to reveal Murphy's dog tracks. This would have been more convincing if we didn't see the floor completely bare before the pink dust magically appeared out of nowhere. Bad form there guys. Milo and Bea are giddy because the dog tracks are cute. Whatever. Here comes the sweeper again (helpfully pointed out by Oscar) as they get on it and we sweep on floor for a while. Milo needs some help getting up though; so Oscar helps him up. Bea then invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH as we see Murphy's leg stuck in the sand tank. So the goofs invokes the FRIENDSHIP LEAP OF FAITH (trust me; mine sounds a lot cooler) as they jump defying gravity and logic all in one fell swoop. Sadly; the jump sucked as they end up smacked against the glass tank like a freakin bug on my windshield (God Bless Kenny Blakenship!). The goofs slide down the glass as Murphy is fighting the CATCUS JACKS OF DOOM for more sympathy heat. Oscar yells at them to hoist him up because he caused Murphy the pain and Oscar needs to suffer and redeem himself in roundabout terms. Milo proclaims that he cannot go because he needs the buddy system and it's so dramatic. With a buddy like Oscar; who needs idiots?!
Milo climbs on Bea's shoulders as Oscar climbs up and Milo slowly tells him to bring him back....to hell! No, not really. POW! OUCH! Ummmm..... Oscar jumps up and over the tank as Milo asks when they will see him again and Oscar hopes it is soon. Oscar drops on the water tank in the scropion tank and that is soon enough. Oops; I gave away the EVILDOERS OF THE WEEK didn't I? I'm such a naughty boy! Oscar tries the leash; but here comes the EVILODERS OF THE WEEK~! One of them grabs Oscar and bounces him like a superball on the desert ground. OUCH! That has to leave a mark. Oscar finds the FCC FRIENDLY WATER GERNADE OF DOOM and sprays water on him like an idiot. Bea blows him off because scropions are fish too. Yeah; Bea is an animal rights activists and a concerned troll too. Probably swiped the real weapon Oscar was going to use too; that anthro hating sadist! Oscar gets thrown into the glass like a bug on my windshield as we jump cut to Oscar backing up and his tank springs a leak from the CATCUS JACK OF DOOM (see how sleazy I get with this?) and he is a dead seacumber now. No, not really. Close enough though as the EVILDOERS OF THE WEEK stalk their prey and Bea yells at Oscar to fight back. How conivent of her to tell him to fight back when Oscar cannot fight back he if he wanted to. What a heartless asshole she is?! Everyone screams on cue as Murphy finally stops selling the CATCUS JACKS OF DOOM and rushes in as we get the "epic battle" of Murphy's Paw Vs. The Black Scropion. It's just not "awesome" without Ole Anderson's voice commentary through a distortion box. The evildoers actually create cuts on the dog (Wow; didn't see that one coming from Disney) as Oscar rolls around panicking. Then in one of the most impressive feats of logic breaking ever; the scorpions get crushed by a brick. Seriously; that is exactly what the dog does to them. I don't know weither to laugh; or realize that I'm watching a bad Spongebob Squarepants episode. Oscar twitches like crazy and gets revived by the dog's drool as Oscar pretty much sezs it all. The goofs outside cheer for victory as Murphy shows his injuries as Oscar apologizes for being mean (in roundabout terms) and thanks him for saving him.
He proclaims that they got off on the wrong foot and laughs about it. Yeah; that was NOT funny; but at least it works for Oscar's character so it's forgivable. If Milo starts sounding unfunny; then Fish Hooks is doomed; DOOMED I SAY~! Oscar prays and asks Murphy to stomp twice and he sells it as the brick bounces to crush the heels some more for fun. Oscar then embraces Murphy's Paw and then dies again. HA! The SLOBBER OF LIFE revives him again though. Oscar loves him and wants to go home as the paw rises up from the tank. So we go to the scene changer as Milo and Bea get giddy all over Murphy's Paw as the place is still destroyed. Good continuity for a change as Oscar apologizes for lying which is stupid since it was Milo's being an idiot that caused Oscar to lie. Milo forgives him of course (Good for him) as Bea praises him for rescuing Murphy (for real in my opinion) as Milo admits that he didn't consider Oscar's personal space. Oscar proclaims that he loves Murphy now as Milo proclaims that Murphy is lonely and needs a friend to keep company. Can you smell the Spongebob Dracula Switching The Lights On ending coming; or do I have to spell it out of ye? Oscar giggles and then get the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and panics as Milo has brought a horse home who is Lady Majestic. It's Spongebob; don't...Oh wait; wrong show. Or is it? HEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....much better methinks. Oscar asks if he is kidding him as we fade to black; hear glass shattering and that ends the short at 10:30. Where have I seen this stuff before? Oh yeah; Spongebob Squarepants. Cute; but really stupid most of the way with too many logic breaks to be healthy. ** 1/2 (50%).
Queen Bea: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (sign of the day: Tiaras) as we see Bud REPEATING THE SEQUENCE from Doggonit only wearing a crown. How about that for recycling eh? We zoom into the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and then cut to the hallways seeing a bulletin board as the Student Council dance is in one day. We see Bea, Koi, Esgomargot and Shellsea being giddy as Koi gets the honors of pulling the one day marker off as it's tonight now. They do the worst happy dance ever (just to annoy me and make Esgormargot look weak) and then enter three lobsters (in pink, red and orange with green, light blue and purple ribbons and matching shirts) and they are the Student Council. Did I mention their triplet voicing the same voice would have been great if they had different personalities and didn't look like the watered down version of Huey, Dewey and Louie in lobster form? Anyhow; the middle one (Dewey since he's wearing blue here) has the TIARA OF DOOM and Bea has been picked as a possible homecoming queen because she might be mature, complex and not embarrassing. Where has the SC been in the last eight shorts because I swear that Bea embarrassed herself by rapping, breaking into Clamantha's secret lair and allowing Oscar to be assaulted by the Black Scorpion just to protect her animal rules creed?! The lobster "Nephews" float upstream as they are going to class. Bea is so giddy that this will be the best dance ever to her; as long as nothing embarrassing happens to her.
Thankfully for me; Bea's parents have arrived just in time to actually make this short more interesting. See; her parents are chaperones for the dance because they are the most overbearing parents I love to have. Then again; Bea getting screwed by her mother equals MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Bea being homecoming queen equals opposite of money. Bea is not happy to hear this as dad wants to do the twist and cut a rug at the sock hop. This is GREAT as mom pulls on Bea's cheek just to amuse me as Bea's friends are SHOCKED and APPALLED. Mom and dad leave dancing as Bea panics as Shellsea is not amused. Bea asks who is more embarrassing than her parents. My answer: Look in the mirror Bea; you'll find your answer. Shellsea apologizes and the girrrrls leave as Esgormargot leaves a trail of green slime smearing like blood. It's not cool in Kick Buttowski; so it's not cool here. And here comes the slightly less embarrassing than Bea known as Milo and even less than Milo, Oscar as Oscar wants Bea to see Oscar's new talent. So Milo blows hard and blows the eyes out of the socket, not unlike seen in All Japan Pro Wrestling with the match between Stan Hansen and Leon White. Bea calls it gross as she explains that the Student Council isn't going to vote for her because her parents are going to embarrass her. Riiiiiigggggghhhhtttttt Bea. Like you couldn't do that yourself.
Milo ponders this problem over as Oscar names some dance moves and Milo thinks those are too harsh on the skin in roundabout terms. Then Milo has a Krackpotkin plan in place which is to create a fake dance for her parents to attend. Oscar asks how the hell that is going to work and Milo claims that he has connections to this place with awesome fish and awesome dancing as Bea ponders this one over and she accepts it as she orders Oscar to do the decorations. Oscar invokes the PURPLE NURPLE OF DEATH as he'll make the place magical. What place exactly? Bea ponders about entertainment and out shouts Clamantha (making her seventh appearance in the last nine shorts) scaring Oscar and wants to do a gig because she has a band. Oh god; if there was one time where Hoppo singing the National Anthem in the Wuzzle 500 was high class, I finally found it here. Bea likes it as a band as the boy goof cheer for victory. Bea proclaims that this will be......the WORST dance ever as Milo's connections is to an Old Folks Home. HAHA! It's Monday Nyquil~! They're playing bingo which just makes this scene worthwhile. Bea is appalled as Milo runs in with the bingo with extreme hyperbole about getting L17 and needs four more to get the bingo. HAHA! Bea blows him off for the obvious so Milo walks away with his bingo card up high chanting Bingo. HAHA! Oscar floats in and Bea blows off Oscar's poor drawing as they are magical. A magical world of suck indeed. Bea tries to exit stage left as her mom and dad float in and they love it of course. HAHA! Yes; I'm 32 years old and an old fart; but this screwing of Bea is awesome. She damn well needed it just to put her in her place.
See; Bea's "classmates" are very mature as an old geezer walks in the foreground with his walker as Bea's dad pets him on the head for good measure. Bea is glad that they are both liking it and buying this which considering Bea's mother; this is perfect. Bea looks nervous as Oscar takes the microphone stand and addresses the old folks as we get the entertainment for the evening called Clamantha & The Shiny Objects. Oscar doesn't look all that happy with that as he leaves stage left. The stage band is wheeled in and the hand of irony strikes again as Clamantha is in a Punk Rock Emo Band. Whatever guys. Bea is not liking this at all as we begin to play. Needless to say; Clamantha's singing sucks and the band is only slightly better. The seniors pop on cue which shows that it doesn't take much to amuse them. The irony is that most seniors would NEVER pop for this crap no matter how well done the band ultimately is. Bea's mom and dad (who actually wouldn't mind this music) dance to the beat to annoy and amuse me all at the same time as Bea wants to be excused and use the bathroom. The parents let her and Bea exits stage right as Bea gives the thumbs up to Milo and Oscar because she's off to win the most pointless crown in history. Milo and Oscar sell and Bea leaves the retirement home and races for her life through a door hole in the fish tank (Okay; NOW it's making sense) as she makes it into the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and enters the disco dance floor as her female friends made the trip as well. Oh; and so did Jocktopus who is near the punch bowl in case anyone goes beyond the two drink minimum. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bea hums badly as Shellsea wants to know what happened and Bea calls it a long story. Riiiiiigggghhhhtttt Bea; we are only six minutes in and the entertainment seems to be over now as the real crap of the episode sets in. Bea asks about the Lobster Nephews and they are behind her....literally. They ask what she thinks of the dance and Bea calls it regal. I see this nephews are dumber than even the Quack Pack nephews which is a really bad sign for them in general. They have the tiara and she is going to become the home coming queen as they leave stage left. The girls are giddy as Escarmargot gets her two lines of work in Shellsea calls her so in as Bea's cellphone goes off. The ringtone is basically the Na-Na-Na verse in the song I Used To Be Love Drunk (featuring Ashely Tinsdale). Anyhow; it's Oscar warning Bea that Clamantha is screwing up the proceedings (so what else is new?) as she wants to do the guitar solo and Bea's dad wants to dance with her and Oscar doesn't want to slow dance with him. Geez; I wonder why? I guess Oscar doesn't want to catch the "gay". Because it leads to slow dancing. Bea sells and leaves stage left as the females give her a thumbs up.
So we cut back at the stage as Clamantha on guitar because it's a song in tribute to Oscar. Geez; why doesn't that surprise me that Oscar doesn't want to DANCE to it?! The lights go out and we have spotlight on the clam as Clamantha sounds like she's going to weep; and then she screams like a banshee for Oscar. Needless to say; Oscar is mortified. Oh; and Clamantha wants to marry him. I see kissy-kissy in Doris Flores Goregous wasn't enough. I'm sorry; but Jackie the Stalker cannot be topped no matter what Clamantha does to try to get over. We zoom into Bea and her dad dancing (and yes; I know they look more like Oscar's parents than Bea's; but logic never got in the way of this show nor Kick Buttowski so there you go) as Bea talks about two left fins as dad's dancing is outclassing everyone including Milo's funny dancing with Bea's mother. Now THAT is so apporos. Then the LOVE DRUNK RINGTONE OF DEATH sounds and Bea answers the phone as her dad dances without a care. If you are going to be so dense; at least amuse me, it worked for Homer Simpson. See; she needs to be with the student council as soon as possible as it's Shellsea on the phone with the Lobster Nephews. Bea wants to be excused and she floats stage right as Bea's dad wants to dance with Oscar now. Oscar doesn't like it but he takes his hand anyway.
SCENE CHANGER OF DOOM as we are at the punch bowl with Bea panting and the Lobster Nephews as Bea makes queen homecoming jokes involving a lampshade. The Lobster Nephews are so lame that the joke was hilarious to them. Not even Rhinokey would stoop to that low. Me when I'm ten years old; that's more to my speed. Bea thanks them and then the LOVE DRUNK RINGTONE OF DOOM rings and Bea answers her cellphone again. We go to the PHONE SPLIT SCREEN OF DEATH as it's Milo on the phone. See; Bea's mother wants to sing a duet with her and Bea is not amused of this as she is excused and we cut back to Bea and Mom singing karaoke. Whatever. The....you guessed it.....rings and Bea talks to Shellsea and floats away stage right as Clamantha counts on stage as we get the long sequence of Bea while Clamantha sings in the background. We cut back to the Lobster Nephews sucking at dancing while Bea is slightly better. When BEA is better than you; your dance sucks. That's why I like this fake dance plan. So we do the song of Queen Bea from Clamantha (who sucks at singing) as Bea does the limbo for the old farts and Bea is pounding on illusions as the song ends quickly.
We cut to Oscar looking at Bea who looks like someone assaulted her and judging by the face shots; it was Jocktopus. Bea proclaims that she swam 200 miles and feels great. Whatever Bea as she sees that her parents are happy as they are dancing with each other and she only has to be there to be crowned queen. Then; you guessed it. Bea answers the cellphone of doom as Shellsea tells her that the Lobster Nephews are taking the stage to announce the queen of the dance. Bea swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my gosh as usual) as she asks Oscar how she looks and Oscar looks at Bea who looks bad. Bea sings and floats out towards the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH; but the guard glass door is sealed off for cleaning. HAHA! This is the best Bea focused short EVERAH~! And it's Bud with the Febreeze screwing her to boot! Sadly; he lost his big ass crown. Bad continuity there guys. We cut back to Bea blowing this all off as she'll take Pleasant Way Road which is a jungle route. If you cannot guess what happens next to her; you have no business reading this rant. Yeah; HAHA! What a sapsucker indeed!
We cut back to the stage as the Lobster Nephews are on stage with Bo Gregory (who is the king of the dance I guess) as he is introduced as King of the Dance and he floats off stage left. They then announce Bea as the Queen of the Dance and we zoom out to discover that Bea is not here. The crickets chirp in the background as Bea slams the doors open and she is all muddy and embarrassing herself. See this is what I mean in putting her in her place to drive her perfection down a notch. Stuff like this and I'm glad some writers actually get it. Jocktopus spits out punch as Bea enters and if you cannot guess that Bea is DQ'ed from becoming homecoming queen; then you are too much of a Bea fan to know what a Krackpotkin plan means. Bea floats on stage as delusional as humanly possible as the Lobster Nephews want a do over on the date. I am so loving this as Bea protests this as Shellsea gives her a mirror and Bea throws it away. Uh huh. Bea continues to protest and here comes Milo, Oscar and her parents. Sadly; the parents aren't dense enough to notice that the party ends at seven and we cut to the old folks sleeping in the dance floor. HAHA! Bea is so totally BUSTED!
Bea then comes over and actually apologizes for the fake dance; but admits that the fun with them was actually real. Wow; she just got over with that. See fans; you can completely make Bea look bad and get her over simply by toning down her girl power character. Like I said; hyper fun can be toned down; but when you are hyper serious, you are one step away from Left Behind Games. Mom and Dad forgive her and Dad loves it because he got a bingo. Okay; that face on dad is PRICELESS and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Milo can BE JEALOUS....literally. Mom proclaims that in her eyes; she is always their queen Bea as she takes the pink washcloth and washes the mud away. Bea calls mom the best as the Lobster Nephew calls it 2-1 in favor of crowning Bea as they give Bea the crown anyway. Bea takes the crown and resigns her post as queen and crowns her parents. Now this is the quality Bea has been missing since the start. See what making Bea look like a psychopath can do to increase her stock? Dad proclaims that he's the queen of the dance and puts the crown on his head. HAHA! Sadly; Clamantha ruins the effect by wheeling the stage in and we groove and dance to Clamantha crappy rock to end the short at 10:00 approx. Best Fish Hooks short to date thanks to Bea finally realizing how to get herself over. **** (80%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; Doggonit was an okay short if you like Milo screwing Oscar's mind and video game chair hardcore players everywhere; but really, this made no sense from a context standpoint, and it was probably written to amuse Papercut Peterson more than the audience; judging by the potty reference halfway through the short. Way too many logic breaks; but the episode did have a certain trainwreck type of charm that I just cannot hate this short no matter how frustrating the writers made it for me in general. I'm declaring Bea a lost cause now thanks to her "Animals Are Holier than Thou" attitude towards Murphy. Why bother with Fimberly and Esgomargot when Clamantha is always available who I don't really like and would be funnier to see her get pooped on in some symbolic irony? Why does Alex Hirsch hate comedy? Overall; a middling episode that could have been awesome if Bea wasn't around and the story was much better edited. I mean; the video game chair was destroyed when it wasn't the first time Murphy stomped on the floor ten times?
Wow; what a turn of events we have weaved here in Queen Bea?! Bea actually having a GOOD episode? Well; it was a combination of a good plan by Milo to stage a fake dance and the writers making Bea game enough to take a drubbing and admitting that her "I'm rrrrrrrr" attitude needs to be toned down. It also helps that the real school dance was really lame compared to the fake dance in terms of fun and amusement. It's amazing that Bea went from a lying sack of crap that is the most unlikable character in the New Disney to redeeming herself in a span of one short. Sure; this is the old "Bea switches between two events" thing; but the parents were dense enough to make it work and the bingo spots were funny too. Clamantha not so much and the songs really didn't catch here; but this was all about Bea embarrassing herself to my amusement and it worked because she basically did this to herself and admitted that she brought it on herself making the finish and payoff sweeter. It's also nice that Bea's parents finally got the IQ raise and attention they deserved as they make Kick's parents look really bad in comparison. So; overall we have a really good short and a middling short which is all I could ever ask for and thus this is a.....
Thumbs in the middle for Doggonit and a thumbs up for Queen Bea and I'll see you next time.