Return to 50 Webs
Disclaimer#1: All images, characters and material is (C) 1990/1991 Walt Disney Company and is being used without permission. The web master has made sure that no money was made in the creation of this web page and that all material used here is used with the up most affection and respect to the Walt Disney Company and the Tale Spin Team.
Disclaimer#2: The views expressed here are solely the views of the web master and no one else. The web master has no intentions to change anyone's minds about a particular subject and respects the views of the viewers. Comments about this and other editorial can be E-Mail at gweagle@eastlink.ca or signing the Cloudkicker guest book.
Fish Hooks
Fish School Musical Rant
Reviewed: 09/27/2011
One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato....GORE!
The end of Season One is finally here as far as I'm concerned (unless you count Employee Discount which doesn't have an air date yet. Of course; Disney wants to screw with my head and add Halloween Haul and another two parter that would work as a start to season two and dammit; that is what is going to happen regardless of what the fans say. Once Halloween Haul is completed on Halloween; I'm done with Fish Hooks for the year. No exceptions!) and it was only a matter of time before a spoof of High School Musical was done (and done about three years too late). And have Bea as the focus character which is a very bad sign off the bat. However; Fish Hooks has lived on; so it's time to prove my wrong if you still can shall we...?!
This episode is written, teleplay and storyboards are done by William Reiss, C.H. Greenblatt, Derek Evanick, Diana Lafyatis, Blake Lemons and Neil Graf. The direction was done by William Reiss and C.H. Greenblatt. That's right folks; SIX writers wrote a 22 minute episode compared to three for a 90 minute movie pilot written more than 21 years ago. All episodes are done in Flash; with CGI animals in the background. Heh.
We head to the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (sign: Stage Moms) as Bud gives his dog some pink cream. The spotlight is on and they howl at the moon. Okay; so we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as the spotlights are in front and it's the annual school musical play called Potatoes for Winter. So this is an Irish High School Musical. Damn. We head to the theatre as the crowd is restless and...So Coach Richard Salmons and Miss Lips are a couple now?! Salmons is giddy while the Jocktopus Cheering Section of Doom blows it off as nerdy. And the nerds will be your boss when you get a job and a life. So HAHA back to you dorks! Believe it or not; this actually leads somewhere as we cut to a closeup of the left side of the stage as Jocktopus is sweating worse than Oscar after being put in a compromising situation. We see chaos on the sky shot backstage as Bea appears and does her usual swear (So close to saying oh my god; so close) because it's the big day.
We cut to Shellsea powdering herself and looking like a walking female stereotype and a clown all rolled into one. Did I mention that Oscar is the stage manager of this play? And he's keeping pace with Jocktopus on the sweating aspect. Milo asks anyone if he has seen his grilde and duct tape and that caused Oscar to hilariously groan on cue. HEE HEE! We cut back to Jocktopus humming like an idiot at the script as Bea floats in to greet him and Jocktopus slams the script in Bea's chest and blows off musicals. And the old Disney fans pop like gangbusters; while everyone else has no reaction to it. Which the later is me by the way. Considering that musicals were done in Ducktales; color me unimpressed. Bea blows off Jocktopus's rehearsal timing skills; but he won't ruin this musical as she puts on the worst happy face ever.
She wants everyone to gather around and we see that Zeus Mussels is the director (What a shock?!) and we discover that Razor V. Doom, the Lobster Nephews, Zippermargot...ERRR...I mean Esgormargot, and the Chovie twins are part of the play. So what is Shellsea's role?! She shows the ELEMENTS OF DOOM which looks like a collage from a kindergarten class. What is Albert Glass' role in this one? Why did Bea pick a picture that shows Oscar gritting his teeth? Is there some turn on Bea isn't telling us? Bea wants this to be stress free; since it's like a rehearsal, only it's not a rehearsal. I see Bea needs to take some real stress management courses. And Jumbo Shrimp has finally joined us and there will be hundreds of eyes watching them as Jocktopus clearly has stage freight. You know what; if they are shooting for Jocktopus to screw up the play; I would have Jock act like a bully through 75% of this and save the stage freight for later when Bea discovers why Jocktopus is acting like a maniac. I don't know; maybe that would increase the suspense level a bit. Then again; most kids are so hyper these days; they probably would change the channel if the writers didn't blow their wad two and a half minutes into the episode. However; in doing so, we have to suffer through a FREAKIN MUSICAL without anything to justify it and make Bea look stupid. And isn't that sexist?! Anyhow; back to the rant as Zeus Mussels gets to cut a promo and I don't understand a word he said; but Milo sure does judging by his reaction. Oh goody; Milo is going to rap. Can he out rap Gunther Magnasum?! Oscar tells him to save it for the big number later on. Now I have a reason to suffer through this musical crap. Damn you writers!
Oscar tells everyone to get in their places as we cut back to the crowd watching the stage as they create more noise than in a cinema setting. Miss Lips asks if this is over and Mr. Baldwin magically appears OUT OF NOWHERE behind Miss Lips groaning since we can only be so lucky. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So we cut to the closeup of the stage as we have spotlights on blue curtains as the shadow of Miss Lips rises and frailing her tentacles with glee. HAHA! So we pan east of the stage as the spotlight is on Koi Fish with a black book. Yeah; we start the play with a grunting big ass fish. Grunting abounds as Koi Fish's mom gets teary eyed. Whatever as Koi Fish gets the CANE OF DEATH out of here stage right and we open the curtain to reveal Shellsea, Albert Glass (being a Russian today), Esgormargot, Razor V. Doom and some fish in a farm scene using hoes. The background is the same one they used for the chicken pox joke in Dropsy I should point out. Now why isn't Bo Gregory out there? Farming is his specialty. What; his southern accent denies him that role?
Albert stops and the spotlight is on him as the play start in the town of Au Grottan. An actual town name WITHOUT the word fish in it? This is a special day! Albert proclaims that winter is coming and something is in the air as we cut to the catwalk and Oscar dumps a big ass bucket of snow on Albert Glass burying him. At least Oscar apologized for it; and the organ slamming music as we see Koi Fish returning as a yak (Please give her the hook again before the censors arrive) as Albert continues his spiel and Koi Fish pratfalls on her face when Albert invokes death reference #1. So powerful is the power of suggestion. Albert asks how they live and there is only one word as we zoom out as the entire cast of Irish Spring come out and we sing the Potato Song. At least here; it's apporos. Still not calling it though. Stickler is in awe in his seat as Esgormargot slimes the stage and I see Fimberly has finally shown up. I see Hugh Edminston makes his appearance and Stickler is not amused. Neither am I; although I would take this over a Vampire Potato any day of the week.
We discover that Bea is the daughter of Albert Glass for this play as we exchange notes on the harvest and Albert is outclassing Bea in every way; most so the acting, singing and fashion sense. And we must dance for it as we cut to Jocktopus watching on having a ill fitting fur coat and medallion with a blue stone in the middle as we discover that he's the big bad wolf. Somehow; that fits him as we see Oscar pulling up a big ass potato as we hit the crescendo and...oh wait; it's Milo dressed up as a potato. HAHA! Miss Lips calls it magic and Milo swings around as he throws potatoes from his fins and misses everyone. But on the next shot; Bea catches one and Fimberly gets nailed in the kisser with one; probably due to her laughable acting skills. Nice to see Milo is the enforcer of acting as he blessed (Milo being religious? I find that hard to believe) this harvest to be the best one ever.
More singing as we drop various version of fries and slap fins with Milo just because. Cute spot: Cannon shooting Chovie Twins. The Lobster Nephews get to cut them too. Oh; and Shellsea finally makes her entrance into the play. And we finally end the number as the crowd pops like Jonas Brothers fans. At least Albert kept this opening together. Esgormargot trails more slime on the way out with the other fish as Oscar praises them and tells them to get ready for the next scene. So we see Milo walking and Jocktopus stops him asking him how to sing well. Milo claims that it's like being the best football player in the world. You either have it or you don't; which is really crappy advice to give to anyone. Although; if you suck at it, it might be decent enough advice to encourage the person to do something else that they don't suck at. Milo does a cute dance and fart; and so Jocktopus sulks off to throw up.
So we cut to Zeus Mussels and Oscar exchanging notes on how to write powerful stuff. Zeus claims that he was eating dinner one night and.........Oh I see; this is one of those "Say nothing of note and see if the kids laugh at it" spot. Oscar decides to not pursue the matter further and wants places again because it's time for scene #2. The curtains lift and we are at the farm; only the ground is more depressing than my sex life. Anyhow; the fish notice a stage coach coming towards them and the driver is Jumbo Shrimp who appeared in the first scene! How about that for Economy of Characters? Anyhow; Koi Fish Yak drops dead again and we discover that the nobleman in the stage coach is Randy "I can channel Kenny Powers; honest!" Pincherson. Personally; I would have picked Bo Gregory for this role; if only for a political jab at the Tea Party's excessive self first attitude. Death reference #2 ensues. Did I mention that Jumbo Shrimp looks like a Redcoat?!
Of course Randy gets the carpet treatment as he comes out as we are at the town of Au Grotain (The successor to Cape Suzette I should note) as we greet and Randy blows it off as he wants the dirtiest peasant to pull the cart. I know it's not going to be a female; so I'm going with Milo the potato. And in an amazing shock; Jumbo Shrimp finds out and it's the Kirby's Epic Yarn version of Clamantha dressed up as a witch. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Randy demands that she pull the cart; and Clamantha blows him off for him calling her a witch. She's got a point there she's makes Oscar her....POW! OUCH! Ummmmm..... Randy demands again and Clamantha no sells as she tries to explain but Oscar is performing Botchamania on Clamantha. HAHA! Clamantha spits a potato out of her mouth. EWWWWW! GET HER AWAY! GET HER AWAY! Randy agrees with me on that one too which doesn't make me look good at all.
See; Randy hates potatoes and everyone gasps in horror. I agree with them; I think Randy had a nightmare with a giant vampire potato once. Albert grabs the potato as Randy cleans his teeth just to annoy me and tries to offer him the potato; but we discover that Randy is now Dandy Pincherson and he has less panche that Randy if that is possible. Did I mention that he's cleaning his teeth with a metal nut? And throws it in Albert's face as he floats onto the top of the stage coach and proclaims that he is a prince and he's better than all of you. Yeah; this is the protest show and Clamantha is on MY side for a change. So Dandy jumps down and squashes the potato like a bug. Isn't that what turned Reggie Bushroot into a plant duck and a life of crime? Milo is SHOCKED, HORRIFIED and probably going to become a plant fish known as Bushfin. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gasps abound as Clamantha is pissed off and she invokes the CURSE OF THE GIANT BEAST on Dandy. Wouldn't that just change Dandy into Randy? Dandy calls her out on the witch thing and Clamantha admitted that she lied. Only in the Fish Hooks world would history show that witches were living hand in hands with the peasants instead of getting drowned. Heh.
Cut to the crowd and it's Deranged Kermit promo at 7 o'clock! To be honest; I didn't see it coming either Dr. Frog. Dandy runs like a scalded crab stage left as Bea yells for Jocktopus and Oscar is trying to push Jock on stage; but Jock won't go on. Jocktopus changed his mind see; so Zeus Mussels uses his steroid arms to push Jocktopus and that somehow forces him into the magic cricle on stage. And once he appears, the football team taunts him. Yes folks; for no reason whatsoever and just for the sake of a cheap insult, they broke logic by having the football guys who have been behind Jocktopus since the beginning of this series taunt him. The spotlight is on Jocktopus as Clamantha proclaims that he won't be released until he loves a potato and sings. Bea motions to Jocktopus to sing now but Jocktopus is shaking like a leaf. What's surprising is that they aren't using HB sound effects here as Clamantha wants Jocktopus to spit it out now. Ironically; Jocktopus bailing stage left would be a better spot than singing so I'm feeling sorry for Jocktopus now.
So Bea comes in and improvises as she thinks Jock is angry about being turned into a wolf. No, not really Bea. Bea claims that Jock wants to steal Milo Potato as he grins as the crowd is in stunned silence and Miss Lips doesn't feel good; until she discovers that she was sitting on a thumb tack. OUCH! She's a squid pin cushion! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So Bea gives him Milo and pushes him off yelling and screaming. This is a lot funnier than it should be as Zeus pulls him off stage and protests this outrage. Jocktopus blows him off because he did good. I AGREE with him on that one as Milo is released and swings back and I betcha he whacks Bea in the back of the head and knocks her out cold. I check the video....Dammit; so close too. She knocked out a female version of Patrick Star by the way square in the kisser. Bea proclaims that the giant potato has been stolen and their harvest is screwed up. Bea bails backstage and gets on Jocktopus' case and thinks Jocktopus is being a diva. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Projection much there Bea?! Jock claims that he has reasons as Bea storms off telling him to act as Zeus squeezes every muscle in Jocktopus' body trying to explain that the talent is inside his heart and Bea is pissed off again. Again; projection much there Bea? That ends the segment nearly nine minutes in.
After the commercial break; we cut to the crowd as Mr. Baldwin is snoring and then wakes up the moment the piano starts playing. Ironically; no one notices him snoring but do notice when he wakes up. So we lift the curtain as it is AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) in the...I cannot believe I'm typing this....The Potato Graveyard. We see Fimberly, Jumbo Shrimp and Shellsea all mourning dead potatoes in their graves (and none have a cross on it). Esgormargot swings in throwing slime everyone calling herself the north wind as Shellsea gets her umbrella up; just to counter such wind. At least Esgormargot apologized for it and soap and water works here. Fimberly sobs like a little lost child on the lone meadow as death reference #3 and #4 ensues as we cut to Shellsea using her cell phone in the middle of a play as Fimberly calls for her and we get death reference #5 and we get the jackhammer disco look. HAHA! Somehow; that is so perversely funny that I wish that Shellsea would just say "We are going to die" every time and have that happen afterwards. Sometimes; jack hammering works when it makes even an adult like me laugh at it. Miss Lips invokes death reference #6 as Salmons consoles her. It's amazing what you can get away with on Disney compared to 4Kids. So Oscar rolls in the wooden cabin half scene as we see Bea attending to a sick Albert Glass. And it snows to boot as Albert Glass addresses Bea as Spitlana (Oh god; that's funnier than Milovia!) as Albert claims that he can see the white potato at the end of the vine as Bea embraces him so tightly that it's more likely she committed manslaughter on him instead of Albert starving to death. Death reference #7 ensues (oh lord; they ARE going for Bearly Alive's record of 16 references to death) as Albert is getting MURDERED as we speak due to hugging as Bea claims that she would be given away at her wedding day. Albert's acting is HA-ILROUS as he needs potatoes to live and isn't lasting much longer. Bea consoles him and proclaims that she won't let him down....and the three mourners are smiling the whole time and acting like a bunch of heartless pricks outside watching the whole damn thing.
Bea goes outside as Oscar moves the stage out and addresses the audience as Bea wants to rescue the great potato from the evil beast known as Divatopus! POW TIMES EIGHT! OUCH TIMES EIGHT! Ummmm....Jock? Bea told me to say that since she implied it. Whack her instead! (Jock: Jocktopus cannot touch Bea. Disney would fire me. Greg: Dammit!) The curtain falls prematurely and Oscar apologizes again. Somehow; the more he does that; the more I think he's doing it on purpose. Bea whistles for Yak #3 and it's Koi Fish AGAIN...And I betcha she drops dead again. I check the video....So Bea jumps on her and the spotlight is on her as we go to the Teddy Ruxpin song of doom as the curtain opens and we have the heavens open up as Yak #3 walks and grunts. Wow; this is the best singing I have ever heard from her. I'm guessing the Auto Tune is on for some reason. Climb the mountain (provided by Oscar) and sing like Phil Barron who finally does some acting.....and damn; I'm so good. Death reference #8 ensues and Bea kicks Koi Fish's ass to boot! She is truly one selfish prick if she gets the best song of the entire show.
We sweep up the remains (Oscar of course) off the stage as Bea floats into the audience and she rips off her clothes and looks like one of those Broadway girls wearing a sparkle tuxedo and black top hat just to annoy me. And she accuses Jocktopus of being a diva?! She floats on the conveniently OUT OF NOWHERE moon with a castle background as she'll find true love. Just pull the damn trigger on the date with Oscar already Bea and stop acting like a dick! Crowd still pops for her because if they don't she'll use it as ammo to prove that they love violence. After that self-important song; can you blame them for having a fetish for violence?!
Baldwin at least is being diplomatic about it; and Bea's parent love it because they obvious don't spank their daughter enough. So we cut to Oscar backstage as we change scenes as Bea goes to Oscar and Oscar praises it while Bea changes back into her regular costume somehow. So she had two of those outfits?! Oscar is inspired and Zeus claims that it made him look good. I think it's more like Bea made your good writing look bad. So we see Beastopus looking on and he gets forced on stage by Zeus because he wants to look even better. Bea pulls on Jock's right eye and orders him to focus. It's enough to make me want to slap her for that. Jocktopus blows her off because he's a professional. So we head back to the stage as Shellsea floating on stage with a white board to set the scene. And we snap and leave as the curtain opens. We see Beastapus looking at the audience with Milo Potato in his grasp. He puts Milo down (oh geez!) and declares him a prisoner. At least this time; he's playing his stage freight thing with more refined precision. Milo rocks and smiles as Jocktopus reads from his cue cards. That's fine by me; we can imagine that he's doing it Doof style from Phineas & Ferb. Jock claims that the script said so which is cute as the football team (Pass, Punt and Fumble) blow him off and Milo gets whacked in the kisser by the potato. Wait; so the football players are plants?! If so; then Bea is a bigger jerk than I thought she was. Jock has had enough; but Milo stops him since the scene is not over as Bea is even more pissed off now.
So Jock asks what is so great about potatoes and Milo proclaims that he thought he would never ask. Oh goody! Is he finally going to rap?! Yes! Yes! Milo is here to save the musical as we breakdown and RAP! Yes; this is downright stupid; but at least Milo is playing it for laughs and comedy value rather than a pointless out of place song like that crappy Titanic cartoon Jymn Magon was involved which was rock bottom for him. You know; the one where no one dies. Milo is just AWESOME here and I mean that too as we see Bo Gregory in a purple shirt and golden bling. Oh my God; this is great! Gunther has been out rapped! The one aspect that finally got Gunther over for good and he gets creamed by Milo. That is both HAHA funny and really sad and depressing at the same time. The football still mocks it and Jocktopus is mad...and justifying so. Milo finally gives us what we wanted and does a brilliant job of it (because it's COMEDY BABY and thus fine to be so out of place and time.) and so Razor V. Doom get thrown at the dumbasses and they duck. Damn them!
They laugh and Bea is PISSED. She cannot believe that Jocktopus is ruining the show. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jealous much there Bea?! That's the second best thing in the entire show madam. Next to Milo's incredible rap sequence. Jocktopus doubles down and whacks Albert Glass around for fun as chaos ensues. I am so loving this musical now. Bea proclaims that drastic times call for crappy measures to screw everyone over because this is her play, HER PLAY! And no one is going to ruin her chance to make this episode suck. Bea wants to replace him and even Oscar isn't so sure about that. Of course; she could have done that by using Randy Pincherson as the wold; but that would be hell's poison to the show of course. Oscar wants how to pull that off as Albert Glass gets thrown into the wall for fun. Ouch; that bump was ultra sick by new Disney standards.
Jock roars as Bea notices the conveniently placed OUT OF NOWHERE trapdoor (the same one used to kill Quack Pack) as Bea wants to find a beat suit to fit Oscar as Oscar sweats like a madman. Now the writers are finally writing the script I wanted from the start. I just wish they didn't show Jock scared two minutes into the thing. The difference is Bea wants Oscar to do it for her and Oscar instantly gets courage. I shrug my shoulders in confusion as usual. Milo storms off angry because Jocktopus left him hanging. HAHA! See; make the joke and then pay it off. Bea tells Oscar to wait for her signal as Milo teleports and screams again just to force the point. Oscar gets it as the spotlight is on and Bea walks in and somehow; Jocktopus is gone. Huh? So what is the purpose of the trapdoor then I wonder? We are at the gate of Beastopus (and I see Jocktopus created the gate himself; how cute) as Bea gets to ruin the show for me showing that she got to the castle. Miss Lips and Salmons are in awe. The gates separate as we head inside with the gallery of princes. Logic break: The prince is a crab and yet the picture show the princes as octopi. Bad form there writers and we have fog effect as Escarmargot dressed up as a white cat rises up along with Fimberly and Shellsea dressed up as cats as we roar and hiss and claw. I know one of them is Shellsea since she keeps purring "Girrrrllll" everytime her cue comes up.
And we sing as I can skip this one too as the cats are Beastopus's hired gun girls so to speak as Oscar nudges Jocktopus on stage as he tells him to hit the mark exactly where he told him and Jock walks in and stops at the trapdoor. Bea gets out the transmitter to inform Oscar to open the trapdoor and Jocktopus finally manages to hit his line and the football section blows him off for saying "enter my lair" which Jocktopus moves to the front of the stage and invokes death reference #9 for the episode and the trapdoor opens without him on it. HAHA! Well; you have no one but the overcompensating football losers to blame for that one Bea. Bea tells her to come over because she has to tell him who she is. So Jock returns to the trapdoor and notice that the actual door doesn't exist anymore? Bad form there too. Bea or Spitlana as she is called offers herself in exchange as she goes to her transmitter again as Oscar pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) as Piranha blows him off for touching her; so Jocktopus walks to the front of the stage and Bea is rejected again! HAHA! Jocktopus is my new hero.
Bea is pissed off at Jocktopus as Oscar find Milo and throws the swinging big ass potato on stage and it whacks Jocktopus as Oscar pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) and Jocktopus finally gets knocked into the trapdoor ; but gets stuck. So Bea stomps on Jocktopus and he finally falls through. Bea? A bully? What made you think that Gregory-sama?! Oscar puts on his Beastopus suit and runs in and growls like mad. Oscar is sweating trying to do his spiel as Miss Lips comments on his weight and Salmons calls it portion control. Actually; it's exercise too and Oscar likes flushing toilets too it seems. Jocktopus is pissed off as we have rumbling underneath the stage as Zeus claims that this is NOT his script. Who cares if it is Zeus? This is MUCH better as a musical. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Bea bails as Zeus demands answers to this outrage. Bea explains that Jocktopus was intentionally ruining the musical and Zeus blows him off and wants to explain as we invoke the FLASHBACK OF DOOM to the classroom as Zeus is typing on the typewriter and there is a mess of crumbled papers on the floor too. And a barbell. We then see Jocktopus at the door as we see him sobbing in Zeus' arms. So Zeus decided to make his dreams come true to be a part of the play (wait; what?) and practice with him to become a good actor. So we go back to reality (no, not really) as Bea realizes that she acted like a piss ant. Okay; Zeus' spiel I couldn't understand since he talks gibberish here; but the guise of it is that Jocktopus wanted to prove that he was more than just a bully and decided to take acting to prove so. That would be a payoff to Bea's taking of the arts over violence; but Bea is such a piss ant as she thinks Jocktopus is just here to bully everyone.
This would have worked a lot better if we discovered the secret was stage freight all along and his motives to overcome was to overcome his violent behavior which would be a great character development. Problem is; writers are convinced that children have regressed so much due to ADD that character development is too boring for them. I find that insulting; but in a world where money is the thing that keeps people alive; it was to be expected. And it's difficult to take Bea's anger seriously when EVERYONE else is messing up and not being called out on it making Bea look like the bully here. Bea is the real Beastopus as she has to fix this somehow as we cut back to the stage and the trapdoor breaks and here comes Beastopus and he's parently pissed off. I think it's too late for Bea now and everyone is SHOCKED...Except for Piranha who wants Jocktopus to MURDER everyone. Jocktopus destroys the background and throws some at the actors who gleefully scatter like scalded fishdogs. HA! I made a funnie! Bea is in horror as Milo hops in and motions to Oscar on the catwalk to bring in the hacksaw. Oscar saws the rope and the cage comes crashing down and imprisons Jocktopus as Milo dances and makes funny faces. We zoom out to a far shot as the curtains rise up and then cut to Bea wondering what she has done as everyone panics except for Shellsea as she calls this amazing. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. That ends the segment 17 and a half minutes in. See; if High School Musical needs to come back; THIS is how they should do it.
After the commercial break; we head to the destroyed backstage as Oscar calls for everyone to get ready for the final scenes and calls it a minor setback. If only Oscar; if only. He does praise Esgormargot's acting like a cat and she gets her contracted line in as Clamantha walks in and praises him for handling Beastopus and asks him never to take it off as she growls badly. So now Clamantha has a furry fetish which is funny considering that she's a talking clam. Oscar is not thrilled at all by that prospect either. He is going to burn the costume as soon as this show is over and Clamantha uses her puppet witch hand to shut him up and make him frown literally. She moves his lips around as Oscar praises her skills in fake puppet hand use as Milo plops in and proclaims that he wants to get it on because he's doing an encore. YES! YES! YES! Oscar isn't so sure; but Milo insists that he's better than Jocktopus in the cage who would just wreck the stage.
Bea, Oscar and Milo all greet and Oscar assures her that everything is in order and Bea waves bye bye as Oscar and Milo go on stage. Bea looks at Jocktopus as Milo's spiel can be heard from earshot as Bea goes over to Jocktopus who has turned his back on Bea and blows her off as nerd girl. Bea apologizes for all this; not realizing how he really felt as Jocktopus turns around and relates a story about his father telling him stories as we see in the flashback. Jock's dad looks like Esgormargot in color with the same shirt as Jocktopus and the same hat; only it's forwards and his is a pop-top and backwards like Kit Cloudkicker. How fitting since both lives have been so ass backwards. More so Kit than Jock; but whatever. Anyhow; Jock's dad claims that magic potato stories are the best stories and his wish is that Jocktopus is to sing in a musical about a giant magic potato. Geez; that is so contrived even little Jocktopus looks at the camera wondering about it.
Jocktopus only wanted to make his dad proud; but words are hard to remember and everyone made fun of him because words hurt more than punches. Try telling that to the victims of the Vancouver riots and be prepared to change your mind on that one Jock. Not to say that words can not hurt; but false equivalence is false equivalence. Bea's eye just freeze and...oh god; she sings AGAIN! Why?! Now this is so absurd and it only serves to show Bea is sucking off of Jocktopus' heat despite the song being about dreams and it's well sung. If Rebecca Cunningham did this; it would be EPIC since Rebecca had good enough reasons to sometimes act like a jerk (Baloo's lazy, single mother with a daughter and the growing pain of starting a business being three excellent examples.) something Bea doesn't even have one other than being an actress with no sense of talent or foresight. At least this one is short as they dance around and Bea offers to let him back on stage. Nice gesture; but too late to change Bea's piss ant attitude now.
Jocktopus isn't so sure; but Bea insists on it and Jocktopus concedes as we head on stage with Oscar proclaiming that he'll never know true love (and loving potatoes) as I wait with baited breath for Milo to rap again. And then the background rips open and Jocktopus sings like he never sings before as the spotlight is on him. See; this is where Deus Ex Machiana works like a charm as everyone is horrified and Oscar doesn't like this at all. What is Oscars' problem with Jocktopus' singing? Jock's dad has the waterworks on full blast as Deranged Kermit just mocks him. And then we dead ring the background from Beauty And The Beast as Bea and Jocktopus sing and dance. And the football teams mocks them again and Bea has had enough of them as Dan Chovie is standing right there for Bea to bring out the OUT OF NOWHERE potatoes; stuff them in Dan's mouth and we machine gun the football players out of the theater. Good for Bea; those football players are the real dorks who project themselves. Less than Bea; but at least Bea finally realized that she did. I don't have much hope for those three losers though.
So we end with a flourish as the crowd just sits there for about three seconds and we get the loudest pop of the night. Good for Jocktopus; even though the writers could have handled this episode better. Jock's dad claps as his eyes are almost overflowing with water. Bea wants to take this one home; so Clamantha arrives and does the PURPLE SMOKE OF SATAN and Jocktopus changes from a beast to....Steve Jackson in a tux and hat. Good; I don't care if this breaks logic and reason since (A) The logic of this musical is out of the barn and did nine revolutions around the world, (B) Randy Pincherson is hell poison to this show; so screw you logicians and like it! Oscar leaves lest the logic breaks anymore as Bea and Steve Jackson hold hands and Randy blows it all off. Go away hell's poison, no one cares about you. So we change to the wedding podium as Bea is now in a wedding dress and Milo Potato is the Justice of The Peace. They pledge their vows on the potato and Bea is so giddy in front of Albert Glass asking if this isn't legally binding. In this musical ummmm....no.
So Albert has the spotlight on as he gets death reference #10 as Koi Fish is dead again as we finish with the ending of the potatoes sing as Milo swings like mad and that ends the musical officially as everyone pops except for Mr. Baldwin who has been blowing off the musical the whole time. We got a minute left; so let's see if Baldwin interjects himself here and he doesn't as Milo swings and Bea winks at Jocktopus and brings him on stage. Wii spotlight as Jock's Dad loves this and then he yells for Jock to smash some nerds as Jocktopus goes berserk and destroys everything that moves as everyone scatters out of the school and we fade cut to black...and return to the seats as Mr. Baldwin is the only one left and he's snoring like me on a bad day. Okay; this is pretty funny and then chokes and wakes up and asks if it is over. No response so he floats away stage left thanking everyone and that unofficially ends Season one at 22:30. It's too bad Halloween Haul and Employee Discount are going to end this season because this episode really was very good in spite of the mistakes made. This is the best High School Musical EVERAH~! Hey; it involved Milo rapping; what more could you ask for? Other than less jerkass Bea..... **** (80%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; we finally got that epic episode Fish Hooks needed, albeit a flawed experience. This was Jocktopus's best episode so far and he really did a great job here in justifying his role as someone outside of being the puncher for Albert Glass' punching bag and for someone Milo can bury. Sure; the dream is downright absurd and downright pointless in the greater scheme of life; but they were clearly playing it for comedy and his performance was comical and I actually felt sorry for him. Although he got a lot of help from jerkass Bea who once again proved why Rebecca Cunningham is the nicest balance female in DTVA. She was a downright piss ant throughout most of it and everything screamed "ME! ME! ME! ME!" about her. Her suddenly good singing (probably using sound sweetening) just only served to make me want to punch her in the face because I knew that Jocktopus was trying hard to do something other than violence; but Bea kept ruining it for him. Still; I don't get the point of the football players taunting him other than a cheap joke since they are friends to Jocktopus. The whole musical made no sense; but it was clearly intentional and it was downright comical, most so when Milo rapped and outdid Gunther in every way. I contribute that to his break dancing and potato suit. The finish was great albeit Bea dragged it down by singing again for no reason other than to jerk us off again. Bea and a few contrived moments were the only real flaws in this best school musical ever and it had the epic feel that we didn't get in We Got Fish Spirit. So kudos to everyone involved...except Bea who once again proves one thing: Soft core porn acting will get you nowhere. I think there is a passage in the bible. Well; my Holy Bible, The TaleSpin bible anyway.
To me; this is how season one should end, not a nothing short involving Halloween, nor Milo tearing up Bea's red dress. Employee Discount is next (since it combines with Oscar Makes an Impression) on Fish Hooks and then I'm going to do Halloween Haul for the week of October 31st and that's it for Fish Hooks this year. Screw Disney's "THIS IS THE SEASON THAT DOESN'T END! IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIEND! SOME PEOPLE STARTED WATCHING IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! AND THEY'LL CONTINUE WATCHING IT FOREVER JUST BECASE THIS IS THE SEASON THAT DOESN'T END.....". Yes; I brought back the Lamb Chop's Playground joke from a MUGEN rant that I deleted years ago and refined it for this show. AND DON'T SLAM THAT........door. So......
Thumbs up for this episode and I'll see you all next time.