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Fish Hooks
Bea's Commercial/Hairanoid Rant
Reviewed: 09/22/2012
Bea's Commercial Is About Red Hair Gel That Makes Boys Paranoid!
Isn't it amazing that just before I am going to rant on Fish Hooks; suddenly, the two episodes I wanted for so long finally reached my desk. I should warn you that the quality of the video is even poorer than the usual poor (camera taking a picture on the screen); so I might miss some stuff. Anyhow; these two shorts were the official season two debut of Fish Hooks and one features Bea doing a commercial while the second one features the boys trying to have hair like Steve Jackson. Yeah; this is sounding like your usual live action Disney show. So; let's rant on shall we...?
Bea's Commercial are written and storyboards done by Ian Wasseluk. The story is done by Tim McKeon, Meghan McCarthy, Nick Confalone and Neil Dusedau. The story is directed by William Reiss and C.H. Greenblatt. Hairanoid is written and storyboarded by Derek Evanick. The story is done by Tim McKeon and directed by William Reiss and G.H. Greenblatt. As I mentioned in a previous Darkwing Duck rant; the animation is done in "Toon Boom" and not Flash as I originally thought. Then again; considering that my opinion was that the medium didn't make a difference in the quality of the show, that doesn't change at all.
Bea's Commercial: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Product Placement ) as we see a camera shot of Bud in a dog costume riding a bicycle and he sucks at it as he runs into the screen doing a faceplant as the screen snows out. Oooookkkkkaaaayyyyyy. So we head to Bea's house as her dad is at the table reading something (a book I think) and her mother cooking at the stove. They talk about how much they love each other as Bea floats in and greets. Bea is pissed off at her parents for no reason that I can think of at the moment as she has an audition today for a commercial. The parents no sell all. HAHA! Bea's parents are awesome as dad finally lets out that acting is hard. Geez; nice way to rub it in Dad. I can just hear Bea saying that now. See; acting leads to hardships, broken hearts and political campaigns. He wants to find Bea a new hobby: Trivia...in bed. POW! OUCH! Ummm... So Dad bring out the book (out of nowhere; but I'll let it slide due to the horrible quality of the video) and proclaims that a cow drinks 200,000 litres of milk in it's lifetime. This predictability segues into a scene of a Kirby's Epic Yarn shot of a cow on a farm looking shocked. We return as Bea is pissed off again. See; acting is not a hobby...in bed...it's her life...in bed. We discover that she's doing a commercial for the Hokey Poke as mother is proclaiming that she merely looking out for her...in bed during curfew. Bea blows her off telling her to watch the television tonight before storming off. So we head to the Hokey Poke as we see Jumbo Shrimp, Fimberly, The Lobster Nephews, Escarmargot, Piranha, Zeus Mussels on the pan shot before finally panning over to the GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE. Milo is gluing pictures to a posterboard as he has suddenly discovered glue. UH OH! I think we all know where this is going. Sadly; the video quality is so horrible that I cannot tell you was running in the foreground when Bea compares herself to a burger. That sounds like something a sexist man would say. Milo's face should be in every commercial for the rest of time as Oscar asks Bea about being nervous and Bea claims that she's not nervous and then panics. Well; she didn't say she was in a panic; so she's not really lying.
See; she wants to be in the commercial because she wants to prove to her parents that acting is a valid career choice. To be fair; it actually is, but Bea sucks at acting so screw her. Apparently; she was researching the role by working for Chief in the Hokey Poke. We segue to Bea putting on a disguise and a mustache as she goes over to Chief and Bea slips on something and falls on her back breaking dishes. Chief breaks a picture of mustache Bea for good measure. That's a fate worse than being fired. We return to reality (no, not really) as Bea wants to pull this one off to impress her parents as Milo states that she should knock them on their asses and shows a Motaviational College of good luck which is somewhere within Milo's smiling and cars. HAHA! Bea thanks Milo and Milo tells her to thank glue and shows a bottle of glue. So we see Chief calling for the next audition as the goofs tell her to knock him dead. That doesn't sound like a good way to win a spot on a commercial guys. So we see Bea float into the kitchen as we see Chief cooking and Bassy is doing nothing as usual. Bea does her spiel and Chief orders her on the stool (NOT THAT ONE!) in front of the white canvas. Chief wants to get this over with; which indicates that he doesn't like this commercial idealism. Bea sits down and does her D-level spiel on Hokey Poke foods. Well; I see the Auto Tune is useful as an actual replacement in acting too. And she's got big eyes too. Chief calls the audition over as Bea asks if she got the part which usually means that she didn't. But according to Bassy; she's the only one left so Chief gives her the part. Yeah; this is not going to be a good episode. Bea is giddy as Chief shows her the poster with a hamburger and a scorpion trying to eat it. See; Bea's job is to ride a scorpion and Bea gulps. HAHA! Since scorpions do poke; it makes perfect sense. Chief asks if she can ride a scropion and it's takes five seconds or so of stammering before she finally lies that she can. Her laughing gives away said lie.
So we scene change to a wild west fish tank as they walk towards the scorpion gate as Milo is all over Bea's lying to the Chief. Bea's excuse is that it isn't a lie; but something that hasn't come true yet. Oooookkkkaaaayyyy. Milo points out that lying is bad and she told him. Well Milo; she's hypocritical and desparate for attention because she cannot lay off and do something more useful; like being an scientist; or a politician which would be perfect for her. Bea ends around Milo because she doesn't know if she can ride them. Milo claims that this means that Bea lied about lying. It's like War of the Weirds; only with more BS&P meddling. Bea proclaims that she does smart things and we walk a bit and there is Bo Gregory riding the black scorpion which is not only RACIST; but a really bad sign for Bea's heat and creditability. And after seeing the episodes which came after this one; I don't need to be proven right. The scorpion dances around as the goofs are in awe and pop for it. Bo Gregory does a perfect dismount and Bea calls it awesome. Bo Gregory is so humbled by it that he refers to her as Miss Bea. Geez; even Bo Gregory thinks Bea is going to channel this success into a career in hardcore pronography. Even I wouldn't go that far since this is Disney and all. Bo wants Bea to get it a whirl and Bea is more than happy to make an ass out of herself. I betcha she gets bucked off the first time she tries to ride it and get bucked off within thirty seconds. I check the video...Bo even shows her how to deal with the black scorpion and Bea blows it off because she is a professional actress...in bed. And damn; I'm so good that Bea faceplants on the way out. Perfect. I'm amazed that Milo's accent makes "Oh my gosh" sound like "Oh My God". He is the R.J. Williams of this generation. Bea's face tells the story of Bea lying again about how she feels. Is there such a thing as "Operating Under The Influence of Lying"? So she goes back off-screen and then gets dumped again. I'm guessing the black scorpion thinks Chief is serving scorpions as the burgers. Because that is the only explaination I can give for this behavior and Hokey Poke is a negative trigger of agression of some kind. She faceplants into the wall off-screen with a wussy bump. Sigh.
So we have Bea limping back claiming that she dislocated her tail fin. Oh man; if this doesn't make her look even worse is Busy Bea: Rise of the Machine, then I don't what can make her look the worst. Needless to say; she goes back on the black scorpion off-screen, does her spiel and gets face planted again. At this point; Kit would be pushing her back away from the barn. And she broke her nose apparently as she's crawling. I'm more amazed that the new Disney is allowing Bea to get MURDERED like this, if only due to their "girls must be strong at all times" policy. And Bea cannot take the hint that this scorpion hates Bea's acting as much as I do and she gets kicked off-screen and slides into the side off-screen. Now that is just cold. Bea then stops selling (sort of) and proclaims that her parents were right and therefore trivia is more her speed. We have been telling her that for YEARS!! THIS IS WHAT IT F'N TAKES?! So we segue into a dream sequence as middle age Bea (who looks kind of reasonable) is on the sofa watching television and the television announcer talks about bananas being slightly radioactive. I'm guessing that is the latest form of woo Mike Adams will be persuing in the near future. And she has a lot of fish cats surrounding her. We return to reality (no, not really) as Bea's eyes are big again for no reason and then she shakes it off and proclaims that she will conquer this. If only lying were as physically painful as what Bea was suffering for the last two minutes or so. Her wrist is also broken as we scene change to the barn as Bea is nowhere to be seen and the boys are panicking. There is a red fish floating in as Oscar is panicking and apparently; the spotlights are set up. Milo throws a bucket of water on him for fun (out of nowhere; but who cares?!) as Bea's parents arrive just to rub it into Bea's creditability. And Oscar asks about Bea and gets water thrown on by Mrs. Goldfishberg. HAHA! Dad claims that Bea went on ahead to take care of some business as Oscar panics some more and more water is thrown on him for good measure. HAHA! Oh wait; Bea did that. BOO! HISS!
So we pan up to the sunrise shot of Bea on the black scorpion as it roars. Chief doesn't care at all and tells everyone (including Bassy and some other fish I cannot quite make out due to the horrible video quality.) to get cooking; but not literally as they scatter. Did I mention that Bea is wearing a cowboy outfit? So Bea proclaims that everything has "stuck" and there will be more than fans being "glued" to their seat. The guise is that Bea glued her ass onto the saddle so she could ride the black scorpion. The problem with this is the black scorpion already hates her so she couldn't get back on and glued herself to the thing. Bad, bad form there guys. Bea shows the glue because as usual; no one in this cartoon gets the joke. Most so; the old farts. Oscar panics calling it crazy; but Milo calls it genius. He's only saying that because he discovered glue and that it's not used to eat. Chief yells at Bea to get into position as Bea proclaims that this is the only way to not be embarrassed by her parents. I think we have crossed that line a long time ago Bea. So Chief tells Bea to go over to the box of food, grab it and say her line. Bea seems cool with it as we say action and Bea manages to handle the black scorpion a lot better now. So the black scorpion drops down and Bea tries to grab it; but Milo sneezes for no reason whatsoever. Oh wait; it's the signal for "I must screw Bea over" and cause the black scropion to go into a frenzy. Well; at least we can call this a Milo Moment...in bed. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmmm... So we go into the dumbest frenzy ever as everyone scatters. Mom is ordering Bea to get off the black scorpion (too late madam!); but Oscar points out the obvious to her as she screams badly. So we do the worst bucking ever as Bea proclaims that a trivia buff would never be in this spot. Which is merely another segue to the dining room table as Dad claims that scropions can be tamed by eating a Rubean Sandwich.
Bea blows it off like an idiot and we snap back to reality (no, not really); and if you cannot guess the finish; you have no business reading this rant. Bea calls for Milo to order a Ruben Sandwich as we do the outdoor order sequence with Milo, Bassy and Chief. Ho hum; whatever as Milo throws the sandwich into the wide open mouth of the scorpion and he burps like me on a food bringe and sleeps. Everyone cheers as Bea smiles and the shadow of the Chief beckons and he's pissed off. But he still is happy about taming the wild scorpion. Bea can only stammer like an idiot as he calls her a punk and floats off. Then the parents come in to reunite with Bea as they now support Bea and it's not trivial. Everyone laughs at it anyway because the new Disney is dumb. So we wrap up this episode with the actual commercial as apparently; they actually shot the commercial during the frenzy; thus giving new meaning to the term "One Take Chief". AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's basically footage from the episode spliced into cue cards on a red background making look like a silent commercial with vocals. It ends with Chief ordering us to eat his food as Bea does her spiel, the black scorpion talks and nothing of note happens as the television set is turned off. We are back in Bea's living room as the parents love the commercial. Bea is smiling; but wants to know when the glue wears off as she is still attached to the black scorpion on the zoom out shot. This ends the episode at 10:53. Okay episode with some really funny spots; but Bea's stock as a credible female lead is fading faster than my chances of getting down to less than 300 pounds. Basically dumb and inoffensive. ** 1/2 (50%).
Hairanoid: We begin with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: ) as Bud is swinging on a rope like Tarzan and whacks himself into an object that shouldn't cause him to take a bump on his back to knock himself out. Whatever sir. We head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and to the hallway as the girls minus Clamantha are in awe of this bright light. Coming off of Steve Jackson's hair as Steve is packing his backpack. And it sparkles too as the girls are charmed and act like walking female stereotypes. Don't these girls know that they are committing gimmick infringement on Shellsea? Shellsea doesn't seem to care as we get the MILLION DOLLAR HAIR JACKHAMMER to amuse me and impress them. Escarmargot gets her ten seconds of work in by rubbing her nose. Milo comes in and has this amazing story about finding a quarter, said hot dog, piece of bubble gum and some other things. Doesn't matter because the girls are dumb with Steve Jackson cooties. Only Oscar is selling as the boys have a meeting of the minds. And it wasn't at the flushed toilet. Oscar explains that the girls do this dumb crap every morning and Oscar knows because he watches Bea every morning. It's really sad when we all discovered that Oscar's girlfriend was Angela; and then realized that Bea sucks so we were relieved. Milo blows off Steve Jackson which is quite disappointing to say the least. Steve Jackson is perfect: The perfect dumb blonde. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So we head to the classroom and..Oh goody! Deranged Kermit is back! It's time for some deranged French from Doctor Frog. So question #1: What is hello in French? Bonjour of course which Milo speaks in Spanish. HAHA! Oscar blows him off reading the French to English book while sweating. So nervous that he cannot say it. He can spell it I bet. Deranged Kermit wonders what the hell is going on and Steve Jackson puts the right answer without any aids whatsoever. The trim in the background looks something out of the Sailor Moon DiC dub version. The girls love it of course and Fimberly dies. I mean rises up the ceiling upside down. Heh. See you in fish hell Fimberly!
So Deranged Kermit gives Steve Jackson a +A and everyone cheers except for Oscar who sweats some more. We then scene change to the gym as Coach Salmons blows his whistle and Jocktopus and his bully football mates are playing dodgeball and squashing Jumbo Shrimp without really trying. They all die leaving Steve Jackson against four bullies. Milo catches the ball which if I'm not mistaken doesn't eliminate him; and as usual Oscar gets a dodgeball stuck in his afro. So They throw dodgeballs and Steve dodges them all. Steve then picks up one fleeting dodgeball and commits two logic breaks at the same time. The first one is the fact that Milo caught the ball and was eliminated; so under that rule, Steve Jackson should also be eliminated. Number two is the fact that the ball has "Rescue Ranger" physics in that somehow the ball bounces and hits all of them in one shot. Only Steve Jackson could make this possible. No wonder the girls love him so much. Dudes; it's not the hair. So we cut to Oscar which leads to a segue to the locker room as Milo is cleaning his armpits while Oscar doesn't get Steve's monster over abilities. Albert Glass and Jumbo Shrimp have been pondering over this question too as Jumbo Shrimp channels the power of Eleroo and brings out the 1970's video projector. We turn out the lights and show a picture of Steve Jackson posing with a trophy complete with MILLION DOLLAR HAIR JACKHAMMER~! Albert deduces that the secret of perfection is whatever is in his blond hair. NO?! REALLY?! We get the long pan shot with Albert narrating as Jumbo sneezes and Oscar is intrigued because hair is usually not perfect and he's applying some substance in his hair. Albert wonders what Steve is putting in his hair and here comes Steve Jackson greeting as he has a bag of stuff in which a blue container drops and falls onto the floor. It is called Perfect Hold Hair Gel as we see the boy losers go through the double doors and being so giddy that no one in school would no sell it.
We go outside Freshwater High and behind an alleyway near a dumpster as they open the container and it sings and shows the letters SJ (Steve Jackson) in a purple like form. Geez; I knew Steve Jackson was perfect; but perfectly vain too? If Drake Mallard couldn't be a bigger loser before; he sure as hell is now. Oscar deduces that they put the substance on their heads and asks who will go first. And Milo goes nut and has the best blue hair in history as the boys are in shock. Milo feels perfect; but Oscar wants a test run and Milo is as good of a guniea pig as any. So we head on the sidewalk as Bea is listening to a French audio book. And she sucks at French of course as Milo is standing there doing nothing but look smug. Bea then goes over and notices Milo as Milo lies about murdering robot who tried to take his lunch money. Which Bea sells as if it was true and amazing. Yes folks; we are suppose to buy that the substance in the hair causes girls to swoon. I get that this is a rib on Axe Body gel; but it sounds like a homage and that makes it look a wee bit sexist to me. Bea leaves as the boy goofs celebrate their victory over a dumb redhead. Milo floats in and everyone gels up their hair and they all sparkle. I smell Teddy Ruxpin Song of Doom commencing here and it doesn't happen. Thank you. Oscar gives a thumbs up and we head into the hallway as we see Fimberly, Koi Fish, some fish I don't know and Mr. Baldwin floating around as they are stopped in their tracks and shocked as we have the MILLION DOLLAR HAIR WITH TEN CENT FACE GANGSTAZ~! So we segue to the song of doom as I expected as Oscar gets an A+ from Deranged Kermit, Jumbo Shrimp eating ice cream in the lunch room much to the amazement of Clamantha and Escarmargot. Doesn't that just increase Clamantha's stalking/kissy-kissy problems to levels not seen since Two Clams In Love? Milo talks to the Chovie Twins about aliens from...
Staci:
Don't say it!
Bradley:
Uranus!
Staci:
Real mature, B-Man!
Come to think about it; Bea does sound like Staci Stickler only with yodeling skills. Oh wait; Oscar got a A++ which means that he has proper training in computer technology. Then Jocktopus gets MURDERED by the dodgeball and laughed out of the building in that order. More Milo tall tales and Oscar getting teased with an A-; and gets an A+ make Gregory Weagle something and something as we get the shot of the tiny manhood; huge poofy hair dorks going down the hallway in slow motion. So we head to the washroom and to the sinks as the losers with poofy hair rubbing said hair. Jumbo Shrimp calls it having seven birthdays a day in a row. And the lifespan of said guy is about to be as limited as the Perfect Hold Hair Gel as Oscar points out showing the blue container. Everyone panics as Jumbo Shrimp (the backwards Steve Jackson) claims that he cannot go back to his old life. Oscar tells them not to panic since they will ration the hair gel. So that segue into Oscar putting the blue container in the top of his locker as Jumbo Shrimp claims that sharing is important. So then we shift the eyeballs because we just have to do the musical version of "Do nothing of note and see if the kids laugh at it" spot. Milo thankfully breaks the ice by asking the exact same question as I am right now. So we jump cut to outside of Deranged Kermit's classroom as Hugh, Escarmargot, Fimberly and Bea walk out praising Oscar for getting yet another A+ from Doctor Frog. Oscar sezs thank you very much in French of course and laughs like a cheater. Bea wants Oscar to be at the festival as Oscar panics and then recoils and sezs that he'll be there. Bea waves hello and leaves. It's "Au revoir" you pinheaded, soft core porno, goofy; dumbfaced moron! And Bea gets it wrong. Oscar praises the gel and then like Gummi Berry Juice the hair roids wear off and it's back to Not Circus Afro. And thank P.Z. Meyers for small favors. Oscar panics because he has a study date tonight. I think we all know where this is going now don't we...?
So Oscar rationalizes that he needs hair gel NOW! And talks like Deranged Kermit without the high pitch. He runs off and there is Headphone Joe sounding like he's confused. So Oscar goes around the bend and there is Albert and Jumbo Shrimp are trying to break into Oscar's locker. We discover that Albert has a dodgeball scholarship which forces him to be perfect all season; and Jumbo Shrimp has a pudding date with the cheerleaders. Oscar opens the locker and Milo suddenly drops out (OUT OF NOWHERE of course) with the blue container because he wants to continue telling his stories. I have to side with Milo on this one; because Corey Baxter telling stories is MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Oscar study dating Bea is opposite of money. So we have a tug of war as Jumbo Shrimp claims that he has the most hair. Albert shows what a liar he is by plucking a strand of hair and Jumbo Shrimp goes into a rage and steals Albert's...wig?! So he had no hair at all to start with? FACKIN BULLSHEET!! So Jumbo steals the hair from the goofballs and the hair gel and floats away stage left. And we are suddenly shocked when he glued Mr. Baldwin to the chair in Milo On The Lam? So we get the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE HAIR STEALING EDITION to waste some time as Baldwin has nothing of note to say. Jumbo Shrimp thinks he has won; so he trips over Clamantha (I think; the video quality is horrible to tell.) and faceplants allowing Oscar to grab the blue container of hair gel. So Oscar grabs the purple substance; but Milo tackles him down and the substance lands on Dan Chovie's head and he has perfect hair which swoons Ann Chovie. Whatever. As Shawn Michaels would say: The jig is up! The jig is up! So we do some hair gel mud slinging to waste time as Escarmargot gets some and she walks away claiming that it makes her become transgender. F*** you Escarmargot; you rotten transgenderist! And no Randy Pincherson; having perfect hair will never make you have Kenny Powers panche. Get over yourself.
This goes on far past the limits of good taste as the only one in the school without perfect hair is Bea who demands answers to this outrage. BOYS ARE DUMB~! That's my answer Bea. So the dorks tackle each other to the ground as Oscar gets the blue container; but the substance is gone. And here comes Steve Jackson asking about his own hair gel. Oh; this shall be good as everyone looks at the dorks and Oscar finally admits that they stole his hair gel to get perfect hair because they thought it was a secret. I guess it's irrevelent to note that the container fell out of the bag since they didn't give the stuff back. Milo apologizes for everyone as Steve Jackson gets off the moral of the episode which is no one is perfect and you do the best that you can. Now this would be perfect (sorry Steve; but I had to say that) if Steve was shown doing something stupid. The dork feel ashamed and stupid for acting like Mr. Hardcore on speed; and really who can argue? They embrace as Bea yells at the other students to leave because the show is over. Steve offers a shake at the Hokey Poke and the dorks all love that. However; Mr. Baldwin arrives with his green perfect hair and he looks better than Steve Jackson. HAHA! Yeap; it's the gel all right. The dorks blow him off for destroying their eye sight as Steve looks as confused as I am. That episodes the episode at 10:31. This would have been really good; but the finish doesn't work because Steve did nothing that had a flaw and thus made the whole "No one is perfect" seem weak. At least they are setting up Milo On The Lam nicely. *** 1/4 (65%).
THE REVIEW LINE
A pair of middling shorts although the first one almost went down the drain there. Bea's Commercial was all right as there were some funny spots; albeit mostly at Bea's expense. It's difficult to take Bea's "never lie" rule seriously when Bea has lied before (or at least committed hyperbole or strawmen or projection) in other episodes; so Milo calling her out was nice; but too late to mean anything. Bea's creditability as a lead babyface is clearly starting to show signs of cracking; and despite a strong performance in Just One Of The Fish, she has fallen from grace now that Angela is more over than Bea and Oscar is focused on Angela; thus making Bea useless because the whole point of it was that Bea was the plucky redheaded who wanted to date the dork Oscar who wanted Bea; but now has Angela. Milo at least doesn't need Pamela to get over; he does a great job doing that himself. Otherwise; it was inoffensive unless you hate the idea of Bea getting screwed by a black scorpion. Hairanoid was better and was on it's way to becoming a good episode until the finish. The finish took way too long to make me laugh and the whole hair making you perfect thing is straight out of live action Disney. Also; Steve Jackson's moral was great; but since no one is perfect, how come Steve Jackson never does something stupid? If he did something stupid like trip or something; that would have made the moral effective. And it's not like Disney has a "dumb blonde cannot take bumps" rule anyway; so make like Nike and do it. The ending was funny with Mr. Baldwin getting his Kirby's Epic Yarn moment too. So the season debuts with more of a whimper than a bang. So tomorrow; I start the episodes I was going to do today: Brothers' Day and Oscar Is A Playa as Escarmargot gets her first focus episode! Yippee! So......
Thumbs in the middle for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.