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Fish Hooks
Milo & Oscar Move In/Bea Sneaks Out Rant
Reviewed: 09/23/2012
Sneaking Out & Moving In Sounds Like A Break & Enter To Me, Bea!
Our next rant up for bids on the "New Disney Price Is Silly; But I've Seen Thousands Worse" is these two episodes involving Bea getting screwed. One by Milo and Oscar; and the other is getting screwed by a family. And you'll be shocked which family I am talking about too. So; let's rant on shall we...?
Milo & Oscar Move In is written and storyboarded by Derek Evanick & Diana Lafyatis. The story is done by the QUAD TRIO OF WASTEFULNESS. Bea Sneaks Out is written and storyboarded by Derek Evanick & Diana Lafyatis. The story is done by the QUAD TRIO OF WASTEFULNESS. All episodes are done with Toon Boom; thus correcting a serious mistake I made calling this series (and Kick Buttowski for that matter) done in Flash. My opinion is the exact same though: Medium don't matter; talent does.
Milo & Oscar Move In: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Stomach Relief. Wonder if a redneck uses Pepto because if they have the toxic of manliness; they would hate it due to the pink color. ) as Bud is dressed like a maid and feather dusting the place while walking really silly. So we zoom into Oscar and Milo's house and cut to Oscar as we are cosplaying Fish Star Trek with whip cream as the weapon of choice along with Cheese Whiz. Whip cream flies; Cheese Whiz goes limp as we have the most fitting cream fight shooting game ever. Milo is cornered as he bashes on the container. Oscar does the one fatal error all heroes do: cut a winning promo before he has won. Milo manages to get the container working and we spray Cheese Whiz out of control. Container rockets around, breaks the television and the water filter in the process. Green smell of doom ensues and then green slime pours from the water filter and fills it halfway. The brothers pop up and no sell all. Huh? Isn't it smelly and stinky? So we scene change to a fat fish plumber who is checking the water filter which is broken as Milo claims that a woman hit her head on it which caused it to break. So Milo's cheese whiz bottle was female? THAT'S SEXIST! Milo is doing this to make them look cool as Oscar asks how long as the plumber goes into the fridge and eats a submarine sandwich. Yes Oscar; THAT long which is much longer than your manhood is. Oh; and it might take up to a month; maybe a couple of days. Either way; they both need to get out of the house due to the stinky smell and slime. The plumber floats away stage left with a tummy ache. So we scene change to outside as Oscar and Milo are propped against the door and it's condemned. WHAT?! It's only a water filter; shouldn't it be "Closed For Repairs" or something? Oh; and by the way; Ghost Rustlers, The Wuzzles, 1985. I'm just saying new Disney. They have their backpacks as Oscar wonders what to do. Milo suggests building a place to stay and he uses four pencils and a green book. HAHA! Oscar blows him off and then puts a purple book on top in a cone shape formation with flourish in background. HAHA! It's the dumb leading the dumber here.
So Bea floats in for the meet & greet just to annoy me. Oscar explains the situation and somehow Milo does the LIMBO~ underneath the structure he built. HAHA! Bea is concerned about them living outside and Oscar tells her not to worry because Oscar is a tough guy. He shows off by being unable to open a bag of potato chips. HAHA! Milo gets bitten by a fish bulldog and drags him away into the bushes. Milo's reaction is PRICELESS and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Bea yells at the dog and he releasesn Milo. Well; there go any hope of Milo of being a rapid dog as Bea points out that they stay out here, they are going to die (and yes; she said die). Milo sarcastically asked where to stay next and he picks the moon. Bea offers to allow the boys to stay at her place and embraces the boys as they agree to it. We get the hound howling and they all want to bail. So we cut to the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM AFTER HAPPY HOUR (After dark). Continuity Error: Sign now sezs Housekeeping. Actually the second sign makes more sense than the first one; but why change it now? We head inside Bea's room as a tent is pitched near the left side of the room which Milo opens up. We see the goofballs and the parents looking at each other as Bea's mother tells us that if they need anything don't be afraid to ask. Bea's Dad proclaims that any friend of Bea's is a cousin of his and he goes LALALA. It's just not funny unless Spongebob Squarepants is doing it to annoy Squidward. Bea claims that they are fine and Dad continues to think he's Spongebob so Bea slams the door in his face on the way out. Dad doesn't seem to care as Bea claims that they are engineered to be annoying at her. So there is a fish God with a sense of common sense. Who knew?! So Bea flops into bed as Milo and Oscar think that this is way too early for that. So Bea asks what they can do in the meantime and Milo sits crosslegged and wants to play "Truth Or Dare". UH OH! I sense Bea is going to get it now.
Everyone sits cross legged on the floor as Milo wants to go first. He ponders in his head (which has to be really hard for him) the truth and Bea asks what is the worst thing he has ever done. Milo then admits that he peed in Oscar's bed so his sheets didn't smell. And they used the BS&P'ed poodle which is silly since the word pee has already been used in this series already. Oscar's reaction is predictable; a cross of disgust and groaning. Bea calls it gross and then asks Oscar for a truth or dare. Oscar picks dare while stammering like an idiot. So we go into the living room as the parents are knitting and watching television. Oscar comes up and yes folks; he is wearing a diaper on his head. I should point out that one my friends from decades ago called Toad from Mario Kart "Diaperhead"; so the joke is completey dated by 20 years. And Oscar asks politely to use the bathroom while sounding like a baby. Sorry; this is only funny when Milo does it. Milo and Bea think it is funny though as evident in the next shot near the bedroom door. Mom just points the location of the bathrom; Oscar thanks her and goes back into the room as the diaper is magically off his head. I guess BS&P cut him going to the bathroom which at least would have made for better continuity; but this is the new Disney so who cares? Come on Bea/Milo; the joke ceased being funny 15 years ago; get over it. Oscar at least agrees with me as Bea sheds a tear asking what to do next. So next up we do the Teddy Ruxpin Song of Doom in Techno-Beats Audio~! Lots of dancing, jumping on beds, filming from Oscar, watching dancing cats on Fishtube, Extreme Makeover on Milo (who looks like a complete tool due to Bea's methods of making over Milo), pillow fights, you know the usual sleepover stuff. The feathers fly which segues to a zoom out shot of the tanks...and then we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as we cut to Mr. Baldwin's classroom as Baldwin is showing himself watching shirts in his kitchen sink. HAHA! Thanks for the sage advice sir.
So we cut to Bea wearing shades (think Kit Cloudkicker wearing them my fanfic Clouding Riches; only without Sale Vandersnoot looking at him.) snoring next to Shellsea and drooling. Mr. Baldwin is pissed off of this because he is not allowed to sleep in class anymore. I find that hard to believe sir; considering how dense the authority figures are. Bea apologizes for her snoring as Shellsea asks about her wrinkled face. Bea points out that Oscar and Milo are staying at her place. Shellsea calls them annoying; but Bea doesn't mind because they are friends see. Bea is yawning trying to cut the friends promo that doesn't catch and she sleeps. Shellsea punches her in the face and Bea wakes up. Well; that is all right since it was female on female contact after all. So we scene change to Bea entering her bedroom looking cocky and wearing a banana yellow robe. GEDO FASHION SESNE; BEGONE FROM MY TELEVISION SCREEN~! She yawns and she is shocked to find Milo chasing Oscar around the tent with his smelly sock. HAHA! And Oscar enjoys it! That's even better! Bea giggles and tells them that she is off to bed now. However; Oscar and Milo want to play with her some more tonight. Bea cannot believe that they have all this energy. Well; they do exercise a lot and jump around; so you have to be energtic. Bea is lazy; what a surprise? And all I can do is shuffle my feet; look down and realize that she is the female version of me; only slimmer and dumber than me. She needs 12 hours of sleep see; which is more than she should be getting. She needs 10 hours max of sleep; like me. Pay no attention to the projecting ranter in front of the screen. So we do the long "Sooooooo" exchange to annoy me and I would be asking: "So what is your point?!" Oscar takes the hint and pushes himself and Milo into the tent and zips it up. So Bea turns off her lamp and tries to sleep. This lasts about four seconds as Oscar thinks Milo brought the stinky sock in and Milo denies it. So his fins stink and we have the FCC FRIENDLY OFF-SCREEN FIGHT OF DOOM inside the tent. Bea tells them that she is trying to sleep and both apologize.
Bea tries again; but Milo is complaining about her cold sleeping bag. And we fight again as Bea's face tells the whole story. So it's morning and we cut back to the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: 2nd Hand Filters which shows how much of a recycler and unhealthy prick Bud is) as we head to the gym to see Steve Jackson on the pommel horse. The girls (Shellsea, Escarmargot, Fimberly and Koi Fish) are watching in the stands as Shellsea is enjoying Steve Jackson's performance. We then notice that Bea has somehow teleported to beside Shellsea and is snoring. So Shellsea yells at her to wake up. Bea looks like she's been screwed as she pulls on her eyes. Shellsea then points out that they are coming and we see Oscar and Milo wave at Bea. Did I mention Milo is now dressing up exactly like Bea? Bea is absolutely horrified and it gets even worse as Milo explains that he ran out of clean clothes; so he went into Bea's closet. HAHA! Yes; Milo is out of clothes after two days. Remember that the plumber stated that the job would be done in a couple of days; so Milo packed for two days. HAHA! Milo is such an optimist. Oscar then admits that he borrowed a laptop and got a virus on it because it sent a video of a horse's head with human legs running in the countryside stage left as per the video shown in the next shot. How in the blue hell is THAT questionable?! After what we saw Milo do to Attica in Adventures In Fish Sitting? FACKING BULLSHETT!! Bea is flustered of course as Oscar bails to get some sandwiches; Milo follows, but apologizes that he borrowed the tweezers that Bea uses to pluck her face. Everyone is simply stunned to hear that one. HAHA! Bea's reaction is priceless as we scene change to Bea groaning and holding the bag literally. So Bea opens the door to her house and we hear giggling and see Oscar and Milo having better quality family time than Bea has ever had with them. Bea's mother was showing Oscar pictures of Bea when she was a baby. What is so wrong with that? Bea apparently has a throwing up problem which quite honestly I have had for a long time too. Bea doesn't know what to do as Milo claims that her Dad is cool.
Dad gives Milo a pencil and paper and wants to know which boys Bea speaks to on a regular basis. Why is that embarrassing? There is only three boys she talks to willfully on a regular basis besides Oscar and Milo: Steve Jackson, Hugh Edminston, and maybe Albert Glass when she is not stalking him. Steve Jackson is awesome, Hugh is very good and Albert would be awesome when he's not being used as Bea's slave. Milo writes them down as Bea's face continues to long more than mine after being disappointed to see the game industry still not get the fact that Playstation Vita is so bad Sony might have to pull the plug on it unless something drastic happens by November. So Dad wants to play family charades. Oh; this should be fun to mock. You know; I think Bea's parents are really Oscar and Milo's parents and Bea is adopted. I mean; Mr and Mrs. Goldfishburg at least look closer to Milo and Oscar than they do with Bea. And not just physically either. Ring the damn bell folks; Bea is screaming now! I am so loving this episode as Bea frails her fins and runs into the bedroom and barricades the door with her own body. She cannot stand the goofballs bonding with the goofball parents. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BEA?! Okay; I get that you are pissed off that Milo stole your tweezers, went into your closet and Oscar put a virus on the laptop unintentionally. But you are pissed off screaming because your mom and dad like Oscar and Milo and aren't afraid to have a non-sexual relationship with them? Screw you Bea! Screw you in your ass; please! So Bea uses her cellphone and we see the fat plumber on the phone watching television which clearly indicates that he at least has cleaned up the mess within the 48 hour period; which is faster than I had expected. He's eating pizza too. We discover that the repairman is known as Roy as he answers the phone. She asks about the water filter as Roy proclaims that once the program is finished; it will take a couple of days; maybe a month. HAHA! He's as non-committal as me.
Bea screams at him and hangs up as we get Dad doing his lame Spongebob impression (but it annoys Bea; so I like it.) and it drives Bea crazy as she cries in a corner. Yeap; she is exactly like me, in August of 2001 and that did not end well for me. Although in hindsight; I'm healther now than I was in 2001; so it was probably for the best. So this leads to the surreal moment where her bed and laptop talk as they tell her to smash her home's water filter and that will get rid of them. Now I don't have to tell you how counterproductive that is; but it's probably the best finish we can have since the alternative will never pass BS&P muster (which is Bea murdering everyone legit including her parents.). So Bea grabs the tennis racket and floats up and whacks the water filter which comes out of nowhere. The international objects pop and chant for her to kill that damn water filter and she hits it in three shots and her room is completely swamped with slime and smell as Milo and Oscar walk in and that stops Bea right there as she basically admits that she was hearing things from inanimate objects. She then confesses that she did it to get rid of them because she hates being upstaged by goofball parents...ERRRR...I mean; she got no sleep because the boys have too much energy and were not letting her sleep. At least it wasn't intentional on their part. Oscar tells her that she could have said something and they would take the hint. Milo proclaims that Oscar always claims that Milo is annoying as he holds hands with Oscar. Bea embraces both of them as Mom and Dad come in and are shocked; but seem to not hate Bea for this as they will just find another place to live. Gee; I wish I had their density sometimes, then when crap happens, I don't destroy my monitor. Milo has the perfect place for them as we see Bea in the tent while Oscar, Milo and Mom under pencils and books. HAHA! And Dad gets dragged away by the fish bulldog. HAHA! Perfect. Bea is inside the tent and sezs good night to the pillow and the pillow sezs good night to her. Bea tries to nod off and then wakes up to realize that her inanimate objects ARE animated to end the episode at 10:37. And there is your first perfect episode of Fish Hooks right there; the second one in the new Disney. All thanks to Milo and Oscar learning from the Gummi Bears on how to screw Sunni Gummi; and adding a Spongebob Squarepants twist to it. And usually that means she can get over again; but with Bea, I somehow doubt it. ***** (100%).
Bea Sneaks Out: We begin with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Party! Party! Party! ) as Bud is skateboarding in the pet shop and no one gives a crap that be crashed and burned off-screen. As usual. So we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and inside the hallway as Fimberly is running towards us looking giddy. That is not a good sign. She smacks into every locker with her face. And she has an iPhone. Can we get a restraining order to prevent Fimberly from using a mobile device of any kind while running? I mean; how many concussion must this poor girl be getting in this series? It also amazes me that she can no sell the shots now as she goes into the woman's washroom as we see the girls (the usual five: Bea, Fimberly, Escarmargot, Koi and Shellsea) combing their hair. Bea asks why she is so giddy. Isn't it obvious Bea? It's the iFishPhone 5 she stole from production months before Fish Apple was supposed to release it. We discover that she was texting her boyfried Cody (I thought his name was Cootie which would be a much funnier booking name) who is a ferret according to Bea who elbows Shellsea. You do not do that to Shellsea, Bea. Anyhow; Jason (who is related to Cody I think) is throwing a ferret party and all the girls are invited apparently. So Fimberly explains that there is some serious relationship going on with Cody and her. Shellsea cuts her off and wants more on the party. Just as well; it's not like Fimberly is saying anything of note here. And the party is tonight and it's come as you are. The girls do the Wooo Arm Wave Of Doom as Bea tells Fimberly that they are in; and Milo yells that they are in too from the vent. HAHA! Bea blows him off accusing him of spying on them from the vent. Milo admits it all and proclaims that this is how they learn about girls; which Oscar promptly tells him to shut up. Well; there are worse ways to learn about girls than this, and I don't think we need to discuss those any further. Bea calls it creepy; but it doesn't matter because she's going to the ferret party BABEE and only her parents can stop her now. Oh wait...Did I give away the plot again? I'm so sorry; I thought everyone would notice the obvious episode title.
And we segue to "Damn; I am so good because we have a cerfew I like for a change" as Bea whines and complains. The parents no sell the bill of goods; and this is the first time they have been serious about said cerfew. I like the parents better when they are acting dense instead of acting like normal parents. It gives them a personality. Mom claims that ferret parties are too wild; and after seeing Dan Dawson almost kill Kit Cloudkicker in Stormy Weather; it's hard to argue that overwhelming logic there. Well; only Dad is acting like a normal parent; Mom is acting like the dense character she is supposed to be. Memo to Noah: Lay off the crack sir! Dad orders her to eat her noodles and Bea pushes it aside claiming that she cannot eat. And sulks. I wish Dad would do the old "If you eat the noodles; I'll reconsider the party" and Bea eats the noodles in full; and then Dad decides that she still cannot go. Yes; it would turn him into a dick; but he was reconsidering see. That doesn't mean that he will let her go. He should do that; but instead Bea asks if she can go to the library and the parents have zero trouble with that. Damn; I hate you Bea. So Bea waves goodbye and walks outside slamming the door behind her. The universal sign that she is lying; and it doesn't help her in anyway that she is admitting that she cannot believe that she lied to her parents. She is going to prove them wrong see. Well; you could go to the library for an hour and then go to the party. Sure; it's lying by omission; but at least you kept your word about going to the library. So a red checkered car arrives with all the babyfaces in it going to the party and Shellsea is blowing off Bea to get inside and she does. And yes; Fimberly also knows how to drive. Fish licensing for cars makes our licensing look so damn good right about now. So the car backs up into the conveniently placed trash and then we bump and bounce like a Latino Heat low rider. Then we scene change to the floor of Bud's pets as Fimberly drives. Did I mention Fimberly drives like a person in rush hour traffic; despite the road being empty?
So moving right along; we finally head to Cody's house which has the word "Party" above the door. I think they have the wrong address here; unless Cody's last name is Party. Everyone gets out and we do the eye washing spot since we are outside the tanks. No one accused the writers of not screwing up that spot at least; unlike Monty's cheese addiction. So they open the door and we see all the ferrets dancing on stuff; some with lamp shades on their heads and generally having a great time. Hmmm; sounds like the average party to me. I don't get why Mom is claiming that these are too wild. I mean I wouldn't let Bea go just on the general principle of her screwing Oscar's relationship with Angela. And yes; there is a Foosball table in the room; why do you ask? Bea is surprised by all of this action (Why? The foosball table has been around cartoons since Charlie Brown's imfamous cartoon movie where he visited France. You know; the one where the little red haired girls mansion was set on fire?) and likes it. Shellsea shakes her hips and likes it. What? No Disco Jackhammer~? I'm very disappointed at you writers! Almost as disappointed as you killing the Angela/Oscar relationship. Almost. Milo is not happy because he confused ferret with parrot. Oooookkkkkaaayyy; that is an honest mistake to make. See; he brought crackers to a ferret party. HAHA! Milo bails as Oscar tries to stop him; but fails. In comes a green helmet skateboarder ferret as he stops and takes off his helmet and has a green hat on backwards. You wish you were Kit Cloudkicker, Jason. Jason is voiced by Jason Mewes and according to the USIMDB: New Jersey born and bred actor, who burst onto cinema screens in 1994, playing the grass smoking, fast talking, foul mouthed and over sexed,...but very likable "Jay" in Kevin Smith's hilarious low budget hit Clerks. (1994). The off beat & philosophical drug dealing characters of "Jay and Silent Bob" (Mewes and Smith) cropped up again in four more films directed by the talented Smith.....the tepidly received Mallrats (1995), was followed by more street wisdom in the scintillating romantic comedy Chasing Amy (1997), they tackled theological issues in the quirky religious comedy Dogma (1999) and then took on Hollywood, in the road trip epic Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001). There was also a short-lived animated series "Clerks: The Animated Series" (2000). Their characters also made a cameo appearance in Scream 3 (2000). Mewes has since kicked on to appearing in other non-Smith projects including Hot Rush (2002), R.S.V.P. (2002/I), High Times Potluck (2002), Pauly Shore Is Dead (2003), My Big Fat Independent Movie (2005) and Feast (2005). His last Kevin Smith's films are Clerks II (2006) and Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008). Mewes has appeared in every film directed by Smith except Jersey Girl (2004), Cop Out (2010), and Red State (2011). If you don't count the Clerks Animated Series; Fish Hooks is his DTVA debut. He has 66 acting credits, three producer, 1 editing credit and 39 self credits to his resume. Devil's Tower as Sid is his most recent credit.
So we meet and greet as Bea claims that she loves the house and sounds so contrived doing it. Well; that is what happens when you cannot act to save your life Miss Kane. Shellsea blows off Bea to not embarass herself since that is Fimberly's gimmick. I thought that was Bea's parents gimmick? Fimberly is supposed to no sell concussions as her gimmick right? Fimberly asks if Cody is here and Jason try to explain that he's not here; but Fimberly goes over his head and drags Escarmargot and Koi Fish (how she managed to carry KOI over alone; let alone both her and Escarmargot I'll never know) as we ask ferret #1 about Cody and he addresses himself as Tanner. Fimberly is so confused that she thinks Cody is a female ferret who has Webby's pink bow. And you thought new Disney was above such evil ideas like that. She leaves as Fimberly is running around with Escarmargot doing her usual Zipper thing of leaving a trail of slime and nothing else of note. Jason offers to show Oscar, Bea and Shellsea the ways of the ferret...and the place. Oscar needs the bathroom and we go a fist pump which breaks Oscar's arm in two places. See what I mean by being as dangerous as the dreaded knee on knee collision. Jason points out that the bathroom is upstairs somewhere. Oscar is thankful (at least I think he is thankful) as he bails and Jason thinks fish are sweet and asks if the girls play volleyball. Which one Jason? Regular or Beach of Sexism? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHACK! OUCH! Ummmmm...Oh wait; it's Rollyball. UH OH! Bea? Run NOW! If you don't; you are ROOM FEED! Bea likes it; but has no clue what it is as Jason chants for Rollyball. It involves headbutting the green bowling ball with your head and then breaking lamps. No wonder Fimberly likes Cody so much; her brain has lost more brain cells than Mick Foley ever did. Be afraid WWE; be very afraid! Bea thinks she can handle this and Shellsea shoves her to see if she'll take the bait so to speak.
So Bea headbutts the ball (wow; the ball is a lot lighter than I thought it would be) and she almost MURDERS a ferret in the process. Well; that was a surprise. I predicted that she would hit herself on a deflection from the wall. Or off Fimberly's braces. Bea looks horrified; but the ferret cheer for her or her death. I cannot figure which is which here. They are ferrets people! I have nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING to work with here. Bea tells Mom and Dad to take that. If anyone deserves to be smacked on the side of the head; it's Bea. Oscar comes out of the bathroom (which indicates that the ferrets have a normal bathroom and Jason is just a wee bit clueless) and there is a huge lineup for said bathroom. The ferrets aren't too keen of Oscar; except for the fat lady ferret with the big boobies and purple dress which Oscar has a meeting of the mind with said boobies. Yawn! Only a moral guardian would be upset at that spot and it has been done to death for years. BOR-ING! At least this ferret hates lines like me; except for lined paper. She then talks about Oscar's shirt in that she sweats a lot in said shirt. So Oscar's shirt is the cause of him sweating a lot. HA! Oscar needs a wardrobe change a lot more than Nintendo needs to listen to a stray Facebook user doing a campaign to get Nintendo to put games on mobile devices. Never mind that Nintendo has already released one and many more over the years. It's called Gameboy, Gameboy Advance, Gameboy Color, DS, and 3DS. She's Rachel and judging by the way; it's the same voice who does Shellsea. Oscar wants to bail; and Rachel is cool with the handshake, because she'll join him. HAHA! Oscar is not happy to hear that one. So we return to the living room as music is playing and we are having fun with Milo and his cracker throwing. The ferrets pretty much no sell and don't seem to mind taking them in the face too. Yeap; this is where Fimberly got her no selling concussions from. That's a BAD sign for the rest of her life too.
Milo crushes chips in the drawers (NOT THOSE ONES!); crushes them in books (that's funny way to censor a book I guess) as we pan over to Koi, Escarmargot and Fimberly as Fimberly's quest to find Cody is still full of fail. More fail then finding out who Doctor Claw is. Escarmargot questions her about her validity of her boyfriend (coming from the girl who cannot get a boyfriend to help her who isn't Oscar to save her life too). Fimberly admits that the picture was very blurry. See what happens when you take pictures on that crappy iFishPhone 5 Fimberly? Use a Fish Nintendo 3DS camera; it's better. Slightly better; but enough to make the difference. Escarmargot asks if he is even a ferret and Fimberly goes to her crappy iFishPhone 5 to text Cody again. This is not going to end well for Fimberly as the ferrets are playing "Swirl Bea Into Insipidity"...Oh wait; that would be redundant. Shellsea asks Jason about girlfriends and yes; he has one. Shellsea is not happy about it though as Bea is spinning around out of the chair like she was doing an airplane spin. She couldn't do it any worse than any TNA Knockout; and slightly worse than any WWE Diva. Bea is so having a great time as Jason brings out the RIC FLAIR BROOMSTICK OF DOOM and it's time for broom vaulting. I guess pole vaulting would bring the house down literally. As if there aren't enough ferrets to do it already. Bea is giddy; and Jason pole vaults and destroys something off-screen just as we see Oscar go down the steps with Rachel close behind talking like crazy. Well; the Angela relationship is dead; so engaging with Rachel is only slightly lower on the dignity scale for him than Angela. It certainly is a better choice than Mrs. Bea Prickburg...ERRR...I mean Goldfishburg. Oscar asks her about the bathroom; but Rachel admits that the stuff absorbs into her body and Oscar holds his mouth and bounces off to go vomit somewhere. Sadly for him; Rachel follows as Milo is putting crackers in every place he can find. And he stomps on them.....
OH MY GOD; Pamela Hamster is back! By the way; don't get excited, this is well after Pamela and Milo broke up in Bea Dates Milo; thus killing Oscar/Bea and Milo/Pamela in one fell swoop; because the writers hate character development of any kind because then the kids might suddenly love the show so much that they will refuse stuff like Gravity Falls and Motorcity. Never mind that Gravity Falls and Motorcity can get over on their own without the need to destroy shows that were previously over. Then again; making a monster over show seems way too hard for the new Disney today; and so they fall back on demographics and hope the kids don't notice the conning until it's too late and the execs are conning the new kids watching television. What a vicious, vile, disgusting cycle this demographics plan seems to be?! Milo finally stops stomping and realizes that Pamela is here and we hit the dream sequence complete with porno music! We see various shots of Milo and Pamela having fun and enjoying themselves. Now the problem with this is; is that Milo should still be wearing the hamster suit because that is a winner BABEE! I realize that Milo has already blown his cover on that front; but who cares? Milo as a hamster is MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Milo without the hamster suit is just there to suck. We end with Pamela and Milo in the rain as Pamela walks out with a scarf and sad music. I don't know if this is how the Pamela/Milo relationship ended; but if it isn't; then the writers are total idiots. So we return to reality (no, not really and I wish we didn't returned either) as Pamela is surprised to see him. She shows him her new boyfriend Anthony who is a ferret in a lime green shirt, blue pants and is pretty polite. Certainly a change of pace from the other ferrets. Anthony sets Milo down and he MURDERS the plant pot good. As if there was no possible way to make Drake Mallard look even wussier than he already was. Oh; the poor full of himself, really stupid duck. Milo looks sad as Pamela is greatful in seeing him and both bail stage left. Milo takes a heart shaped cracker and breaks it cleanly in half; pretty much killing any hope of reedempation for Milo. I really feel bad for Milo because he was the most over lead of the trio.
Anyhow; we continue with Bea and the ferrets dancing as Milo comes in looking all ashamed and stuff. He hates this place. Why? Because Pamela has a new boyfriend? Come on Milo; we know you have a thicker skin then that as Oscar hides behind Bea because Rachel is still stalking him. Compared to Clamantha?! Oscar; grow a thicker skin; you are much better than Kick Buttowski so make like Nike and do it. Bea doesn't want to leave because she likes making her parents look stupid. Bea claims that she can handle these ferrets as Jason claps his hands in the air and yells that it's time to make this party epic and it's time to do the Ferret Shuffle~! If I find out that this is basically a paordy of the Octopede Shuffle; I don't what Ken Frosse is going to think. Although he will certainly be gentler than he was with Ted (which he said he didn't give a crap about despite TMZ's attempts to make it sound like he hated Ted.). Needless to say; the ferrets love it and Bea is so giddy about this dance. Something tells me this is the moment where Bea realizes that these ferrets are too wild and Mom's predication comes to fruition. Shellsea is shocked and demands that they leave now. Wait; so SHE KNEW ABOUT THIS?! And didn't tell anyone? And still went to the party?! Oh damn; we almost had our second perfect episode in the bag too. Bea thinks Shellsea is being silly as we discover that the Ferret Shuffle is basically smash into objects and each other. Damn; I wish it was that while dancing and singing ala Octopede Shuffle. The babyfaces all huddle together as Shellsea wants to get out of here because if they don't, the Ferret Shuffle will kill them. Shellsea; this is a Disney show. No one d...Oh wait; dammit! Fimberly refuses to leave until she finds Cody as Koi smashes her in the head with the Dumptruck Screw Punch of Death and grabs her. We run to the door; but Jason blocks it. Wait a second; wasn't Jason wearing a backwards baseball cap? I'm confused because Bea addresses the blocking ferret as Jason. Bea wants to leave; but Jason refuses because this is his castle and Oscar made a pass at his girlfriend; which so happens to be Rachel. HAHA! Can you say entrapment folks? I knew you could.
Rachel even claims that Oscar was following her as Oscar panics and oversells it as such. HAHA! So the ferret surround the fish and claw and screech at them as Bea goes to her cellphone in dramatic fashion and dials her parents house. So we cut to the living room as the parents are eating and knitting on the sofa as the phone rings. Dad answers it as Bea screams and admits that she lied and went to the party which was fun and now the ferrets want to kill them (Come on Disney; you can say kill. After all; you said die a number of times in this series already). Dad drops his plate on the floor and we cut back to the house as Dad kicks down the door. Mom apparently is the one with the teleporting powers. Don't ask me why. Dad demands the kids; and Jason dares him to do something about it. Ooooooooooo; if there one person I would not want to dare; it's the dense adult. It's right up there with quiet kid. So we have the staredown and we discover that Bea's dads' first name is Norman...and he becomes a lunatic dog as we play the heavy metal song of death and this one is the best one I have ever heard in the series. So Norman Not Smiley pounces on Jason and I'm not even going to bother calling this because this is so surreal that it's better that you watch the episode somehow. And the Rolleyball gets involved along with Mom's purse as she whacks some nasty ferrets for good measure. I'm calling it right now: Norman and Mom didn't want Bea to go to the party because they went to a ferret party and they got MURDERED so badly that they have brain damage which makes them into the embarassments Bea thinks they are.
Everyone is in shock as Bea asks how they did that and damn; I'm so good and kudos to the writers for making the right booking decision. Sure; it's in roundabout terms; but the imagination can fill in the brain damage part nicely due to the proper conclusion. Bea apologizes for not listening to her parents about the ferret parties being so dangerous. And lying as Mom is thankful that she was responsible for calling them in the first place. Norman wants to do another party which is the grounding party as he does the lame Spongebob LA'ing again which I think is part of the process. Bea grins sheeplishly as Milo tosses crackers into the screen and that ends the episode at 10:40 approx. Wow; this was so much better than it had any right to be; complete with awesome finish and proper ending too. I swear I'm watching great Gummi Bears episodes. A few missteps prevent the second perfect episode in a row; but at **** 1/2 (90%) ; who cares? After all; I thought this episode would be one of the worst episodes ever in this series.
THE REVIEW LINE
Wow; what a great lineup of episodes today; and both of them were a lot better than I expected. Milo and Oscar Move In was Fish Hooks' answer to Gummi Bears Who's Gumming For Dinner; only with psycho Bea at the end smashing her own water filter which was a fitting finish and ending to Milo and Oscar screwing Bea at every turn and all unintentional on their part. It had to show how much of a load of BS Bea was when her parents look like nice people you could relate too and enjoy their company. Bea is a perfect target for this kind of episode because she is such a perfectionist and that anyone who isn't perfect (like Oscar, Milo and her parents) tries to get over in front of her; she goes nuts. This episode clicked in every possible way that I was rooting for Bea to go nuts and destroy her house which she did. Sure; Oscar and Milo calmed her down in the end; but it lead to a perfect ending of Dad getting dragged away like Milo from a fish bulldog and the pencil houses scenes were hilarious. It was the first perfect episode of Fish Hooks and the fact that Bea was a focal character make it more special. Even better; the episode Bea Sneaks Out also clicked in almost every possible way and that is better because I was expecting this episode to be "Bea tries to sneak out; but the parents keep stopping her" which would have been god awful; but it wasn't. It was focused on the awesome ferret party which ended the way I expected it too which is the ferrets try to kill the fish for "hitting" on Jason's girlfriend Rachel (a nice nod to the end of Oscar Is a Playa; only this one was great since Oscar is not in love with Rachel like he was with Angela). There were a few missteps (from Shellsea of all people; this wasn't Shellsea's usually good performance); but the finish was as fitting and the ending was perfect character development which pretty much explained why they are so dense. I also liked the Pamela Hamster cameo which pretty much killed any hope for Milo to win her back; but Disney hates relationships because the moral guardians think it always involves sex before marriage. Go figure. So overall; these are the best two episodes I have seen together and after four really good episodes in a row (in spite of the god awful finish to Oscar Is A Playa); I'm happy to say that Fish Hooks can still bring the goods when the writers do give a damn. So next weekend; it's All Fins On Duck and Cattlefish Ho to end Fish Hooks and then we do Kick Buttowski with Sew What, Shh! and maybe if I have time, Trash Talk. If I cannot do Trash Talk; then I'll do it after all the rants I have planned are completed. Although; I am going coat shopping next Tuesday after my blood work too. So......
Thumbs up for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.