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Fish Hooks
Oscar's Secret Admirer/Little Fish Sunshine Rant
Reviewed: 10/13/2012
Oh Come On New Disney!!
Our next rant up for bids on the "New Disney Price Is Silly; But I've Seen Thousands Worse" is Oscar having a secret admirer which should telegraph even more obviously than Doris Flores Gorgeous; and then Bea is out of control trying to be beautiful. Yeah; I get all the really bad Bea episodes. So; let's rant on shall we...?
Oscar's Secret Admirer is written and storyboarded by Neil Graf, Blake Lemons and Ian Wusseluk. The story is done by Derek Bachman. Little Fish Sunshine is written and storyboarded by Derek Evanick and Diana Lafyatis. I assume the story is done by the same two. Other than Reckoning for boom operator; I have nothing on him. All episodes are done with Toon Boom; thus correcting a serious mistake I made calling this series (and Kick Buttowski for that matter) done in Flash. My opinion is the exact same: Medium don't matter; talent does.
Oscar's Secret Admirer: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Garnola Bars) as Bud is doing nothing because the screen blacks out so we head to the football field instead. Again; the footage for these episodes are awful and hopefully; this will be the last time too. We pan to Oscar and Milo in a lineup with books. Milo is making funny faces as usual as he blows off lineups (and yes; Bea is in the lineup too) and storms off into the school hallway. Milo takes out a garnola bar and eats it thus paying off the joke way too soon. He also notices the brown haired fish on the garnola bar as she is the mascot of the brand. She looks like Fimberly when she grows up and stops taking bumps. So Milo goes to his locker and pulls out a piece of paper and is writing a love letter. It's heart shaped paper and I'm going to leave the note as an exericse to the reader. Milo of course is clueless about mailing letters and puts the letter through the vents leading to Oscar's locker because he knows how to mail letters. And Milo talks to the garnola bar packing like a human being. Memo to Brain Alverez: Study Corey Baxter's use of the girl voice and I assure you that is sounds ten times better. Milo leaves as Bea and Oscar float in as Bea asks what the heck he is doing. Bea; don't ask. You'll sleep better not knowing why that scene was so funny. Oscar and Bea are having their corn dogs WITH MUSTARD as Oscar opens the locker and the love letter flies out of the locker and Oscar opens it up. Yes folks; Oscar thinks someone is giving him love letters which Oscar blows off because it's not secret. And Clamantha somehow appears OUT OF NOWHERE to lay in Oscar's afro because we need more international objects in his hair; even clams. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BOINK! OUCH! Ummmm... Oscar pushes Clamantha off and accuses her of sending that love letter. Clamantha claims that she hasn't even started sending out love letters which are in the same wagon used in Halloween Haul. Oh yeah; that doesn't clear your name in anyway Clamantha; no siree. I should point out that this episode is after Oscar and Bea agreed to stop being more than just friends; and before Angela showed up in terms of the timeline.
Oscar apparently buys that Clamantha didn't write it and Bea points out that it could be from anyone. Including Milo? Nah; that would be incest right? RIGHT?! We do the pan shot of all the possible girls as Oscar claims that this is not stalking; it's true love. Milo comes in with pom poms and he doesn't suspect that Oscar has ripped up his love letter already. See; I would have Milo not come back until later and have it be a misunderstanding. So once again; because the new Disney seriously believes that kids hate character and storyline; they blew their wad two minutes in. Oh wait; he notices it and Milo admits that it's not for Oscar; and Oscar over sells and blows into a paper bag looking like he's hyper-ventilating. Oh come on Oscar! At this point; you are just showing off. Bea blows off Milo for saying that. So she's blowing Milo off for telling the truth? No wonder so many kids lie today. Milo consoles his garnola wrapper and his girly voice claims that everything will be all right if he hooks up a girl with Oscar. Because telling him that the love letter was written by Milo himself for garnola girl is just not believable right? On the other hand; I don't see how Oscar's hyper ventilating is even perversely funny, so it's all for the best. He's going to find out anyway. So Oscar claims that he was just kidding and grabs Oscar to go look for his secret admirer. So we logically head to some skating rink as they all enter and Oscar hopes he doesn't find her because it's senior citizens night as we see the senior citizens (the bane of Scott Bowden's existence) roller skating and then we cut to two senior citizens sandwiching Fimberly who looks like the proverbal sore thumb in the middle of the rink. Milo grabs Fimberly by the hair and forces her to look at Oscar. So Oscar is plopped on a bench as Milo puts white roller skates on. So Milo rolls Oscar in the bathroom to waste time (men? women? Does it matter? It is still lame all the same) and then wheels Oscar onto the rink beside Fimberly.
So Milo is playing DJ as Fimberly and Oscar exchange notes. Of course Fimberly admits that she has a crush on Steve Jackson and thus is not the secret admirer. Besides; Fimberly is still bumping her face on the skating rink. Fimberly is proof that toxic manilness is not limited to males. Oscar does help her towards the wall. Milo screams on cue when Fimberly is popped the question about crushes and I saw this coming about a couple of miles away actually. Oscar is stunned as Milo wheels him away because he has plan two on the way. Oh; and Fimberly would rather die than not be Steve Jackson's crush. Fimberly = fangirl of the Jonas Brothers. Look; the Jonas Brothers aren't really awful per se; but they are no Beetles by a long shot. And the chances of marrying a celebrity are so absurd that only irrational people would buy it. Which is what most fangirls are. I'm sorry to say. So Milo takes Oscar to a submarine and dresses him up in a black leather jacket and the silliest comb over ever. We discover that the girl is Koi Fish. I think we all know where this is going. I'm giving 2:1 odds that it's Steve Jackson who she has a crush on. Apparently; Milo bribed her into this as per the letter she reads. That is just sad folks as Milo pushes them into the submarine which is tied to a CGI dog and he walks. Whatever turns you on Milo. So Oscar is sweating and Koi is no selling the background music as Milo is at the dinner table serving up plates. Milo really sells Koi Fish's awesomeness for us as Oscar admits that he had no excuse for passing her by. Probably because neither one really cared about the other. It's hard to do that when Koi grunts. Milo puts a flower in her hair and she grins with jackhammer hearts. Rebecca Cunningham, William Stansbury, TaleSpin, Her Chance to Dream. I'm just saying new Disney. Milo lets Koi down a whole pitcher of milk (I think; the footage is so bad, I cannot tell what it is) and then proclaims that it's time to let nature do it's thing; and have Oscar and Koi embrace. This is rather arkward even for me.
Oscar tries to break the ice; but Koi shoves Oscar aside and it's Milo she has a crush on. HA! I lose $2 to myself. So we scene change to Oscar moping out as Koi is still loving Milo so much. Milo admits that he cannot get them all right as Oscar concludes that he'll never find true love; unless it involves a stalker. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BOINK! OUCH! Ummmmm.... Milo tells him not to give up because secret don't last and so we logically head to the Hokey Poke as the goofs with attitude are at the table. Miss Bassy makes a foreground appearance too. Milo then grabs Oscar and Oscar shoves off because it's obvious Milo has no clue who she is. Milo goes ah for a long time as Oscar cries; throws the love letter away (which appears, you know) and he hides under the table hyper ventilating into the paper bag again. Milo then proclaims that if he cannot find true love for Oscar; he'll bribe someone. I think we know where this is going as we scene change and notice Shellsea is looking at Oscar. Geez why not have a boy hating, walking female stereotype at the bribee? It's not like Milo is a mental giant or anything. Shellsea isn't even trying to hide the fact that she's being brided because she keeps yelling at Milo about her fee. Oscar still doesn't suspect a thing which is so stupid since Oscar is supposed to be the SMART one of the trio. Shellsea goes over to Milo and Milo gives her a dollar bill which Oscar should have clearly saw. Oh lord; we have to flush this episode down the toilet now don't we? Well; that makes sense because that is Oscar's favorite past time. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! So we scene change to a limo as Milo opens it and lets Shellsea and Oscar out as they ride seahorses for no reason at all. And get dressed up to boot. So we scene change to either Le Pincherson or the Hokey Poke as Oscar is sweating like mad about Shellsea hating him. Ummm; she still hates you Oscar. Anyone who sweats like that has bad intentions let me tell you!
So Oscar gives him flowers; Shellsea no sells, Milo kicks air, Shellsea gets hit in the face with cherries and then Clamantha interrupts and yells for no reason. Shellsea then tries to explain that Oscar is fragile and he's confused. So Shellsea grabs Milo by the hair (who somehow teleported from behind Oscar) and gets on his case. So Milo pleads for Shellsea not to make him tell him that he made up the secret admirer and Oscar panics, hyper ventilates and then clutches his heart and plops off the chair onto the red ground below. Did I mention that the table is about 50 fish feet in the air? So the girls (including Escarmargot which I wish they did something with her in this episode if only to heat up Oscar Is A Playa) are shocked as Milo floats down in a panic and yells for a doctor. And yes folks: Deranged Kermit is back. WHAT!! Milo pleas for his help and Deranged Kermit brings out his stetoscope and checks Oscar over. We discover that he is in a broken heart coma and the cure is a kiss from it's true love. Now at this point; the logical finish would be that Bea kisses Oscar since this is before Angela and would justify some of the heat for Oscar Is A Playa later on. Of course the lineup ensues and all the girls except Bea try to kiss Oscar; but no luck. Clamantha's kiss takes longer than most of my meals take to eat I should point out. She's almost like giving CPR to him as Milo slaps her away. Shellsea is the only one whom just kisses and leaves without incident. I don't get why it's okay for Milo to break the male on female contact rule on everyone but Shellsea. Escarmargot doesn't kiss; because the writers are dumb as Bea floats forward to save Oscar from his coma. And all the lipstick on his face is gone in another logic break; just because it's the new Disney. Bea cuts a lengthy promo about a passonite kiss and Milo shoves her away. Good; I hate lengthy promos anyway. If I need that BS; I'd watch WWE.
Milo cradles Oscar in his arms and admits that he wanted to make Oscar happy and he kisses him which causes Oscar to wake up. Oscar admits that he heard everything and was blinded by true love. However; he would like to go on a date and we then look up as the Granola Mascot Girl of Doom shows up (in her blue dress no less) on the tower and is giddy. We then discover that she has a sister with black curly hair and both boys love this as they float off into the sunset with the girls in tow who don't seem to care about their slavery to a bunch of granola bars. Oscar and Milo slap skin and we heart fade out to end the episode at 10:30 approx. Well; this was a pointless waste of ten minutes since Milo and Oscar had to act dumber than usual just to make this storyline work. And doesn't this at least show that the writers don't give a damn about future planning with Angela waiting in the wings. Call it ** 1/4 (45%).
Little Fish Sunshine: We begin with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Cheese Logs) as Bud is dressed up like a queen of ceremony. Whatever guys. So we zoom into the Bea's bedroom as Bea and company are watching Brandon Bubbler once again. He also stole a CGI whale in the background as Bea claims that his music speaks to her. Which is no worse than TaleSpin speaking about me I guess. So the announcer decides that the Brandon Bubbler Power Hour will return after commercials. Even in Fish Hooks; there is no relief from them. Then we jackhammer like crazy on Thursday because stealing from Kick Buttowski is so cool I guess. We see a decent fish who has bad eyes as the announcer proclaims that she is forgettable (so BS&P of you guys) as the magic of television changes her into a mismatched princess with a lime green dress and lime green hair. And those yellow eyes; so horrifying. We pan over to the other gullible princesses in dresses in tiara as the announcer sounds like the same guy who announces for Kick Buttowski which somehow makes this even more horrifying. As per the title; the Youtubish title card calls this the Little Fish Sunshine beauty contest. Fimberly loves this; but the girls blow it off because it's creepy and pointless. However; the announcer proclaims that the winner will be crowned by Brandon Bubbler and everyone is in awe. If you ever want a scoop on why it's dangerous to have your role model by a boy band star, I'm certain this is the episode for you. Bea then does the old "we need to be challenged" promo which the problem is that beauty contests are typically the worst form of female stereotyping in the land. When a white, male privileged person can figure this one out; you know that it's time to try something else. Shellsea wants to turn into Daisy Duck Tasty Paste to fit into a dress. Wow; if Shellsea wasn't a female stereotype before; she gone uber now.
So we scene change to Oscar and Milo's house as Bea opens the door and there is a lot of throwing of international objects; not unlike a lot of Mr. Hardcore doing when they discovered that Bayonetta 2 was coming only to Wii U. We discover that the boys are playing eat the throwing food as Bea tells them that there is nothing else in life; other than winning the beauty contest. When she mentioned Brandon, Oscar blows him off because he cannot catch sandwiches. I beg to differ Oscar. Milo gets all giddy and sits Bea down on the sofa as Milo reveals a picture book containing pictures of him looking like a beautiful baby fish. HAHA! He apparently was entered in beautiful baby contests where he won trophies, ribbon and a gift card for a cheese log. Now THAT's my kind of prize! Bea asks why he stopped and Milo claims that he is no longer a baby. That's true; only he is now a child. Bea thinks Milo can help him win and they both cheer. Oh dear; we go to the Hotel D'Poisson. The Poison Hotel? Oh wait; it's the Fish Hotel. Nice try new Disney; but you are still lame in booking names. Doughnut Aska; Doughnut Tella. So we head inside backstage as Bea is sitting down looking concerned about the competition. Oscar is more concerned about the sparkling dresses. I'm more concerned about their health and well being at this point. You know how horrible crappy fish are when they are not treated right. Tastes like skunk. POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Bea claims that she has a secret weapon as she has a banana yellow dress. So Milo is the fish version of Gedo which kills my respect for him as a fish being when it comes to fashion sense. Then again; he dressed up as a hamster and a baby; so sometimes a little crap has to fall at some point. And just to annoy me; she apparently stole Molly's blue ribbons. Bea is also wearing red glove as we model for awhile. I did laugh when I discovered that Milo was blowing kisses to the judges. Boy; that is some bribery tool Milo has in his skill set.
Milo teases leaving; so Bea blows kisses by kissing her hand. Ummm; you are supposed to blow your hand everytime you kiss Bea. You know she's destined to soft core porn for life when she cannot blow kisses properly. Shellsea blows her off as she, Koi Fish and Fimberly exit stage left. Once again; Escarmargot is denied as usual. It amazes me now that she became a vampire slayer later on in this season. I'll deal with that on Saint Hallow's eve as we scene change to the stage as we discover that the judges at the judges table are Bassy, Miss Lips and Coach Salmons. Methinks there is the economy of characters reckoning here; and the fact that Bassy is the Simon Cowell of the group by default. And the host who goes through the LFS pink paper hoop is...Zeus Mussels. Oh joy! All the loud, dumb and fragile adults are here. What? No boring Mr. Baldwin? That's awfully sloppy guys. Zeus Mussels introduces the judges to us as Coach Salmons gives off the most hilarious line of the episode that beauty is on the inside; except for today. Sadly; today that exception seems to be limitless. Bassy is coughing and no one cares about Miss Lips. I'm more interested in the fact that there is a clone of Milo sitting in the front row in the background. Mussles gets the competition underway and I just realized that Mussels has to be the most offensive choice for a host. After all; he called Milo a bitch in Oscar Makes an Impression. I apologize if this episode has been taking forever to rant on; Clay of Pokemon Black & White 2 really found a way to piss me off since he found a way to outspeed me with his second Pokemon. Thankfully; I beat him with Psyduck's Aqua Tail at level 32. Enough Pokemon stuff; I just want to distract myself from event #1 which is the evening gown event. And in a big surprise; Fimberly didn't fall flat on her face this time. Koi did that into a rolling trunk to show some symapthy for her. Shellsea didn't appear for goodness knows what reason as Bea floats on stage as Oscar and Milo pop for her.
Milo is choregraphing Bea's moves to the letter and the judges aren't selling it. Even the blowing of kisses get no reaction. Boy these adults must have ate their brain food before this contest as Bea floats stage left and is confused.. for about five seconds as she is horrified as the judge's eyes light up to see a female fish doing the same moves; but a million times better than Bea. So we go backstage as Milo has somehow teleported back there and is impressed with Bea's form. If his idea is to send a message that Bea's inside beauty should be listened too; then Milo needs to really pump that up to 11 or infinity depending on what reality you believe is reality. Bea thinks the judges don't have an impression of her as Milo applies more makeup on her and she proclaims that Brandon is going to be oooooing her. Personally; I hope he's repulsed by Bea on the count of being so dumb. So we head backstage as Zeus Mussels is still yelling his lines at Clamantha which for some reason seems perversely funny to me. Event #2 is Q&A which is the most tacked on thing in history of beauty contests. Sorry; but actions speak louder than words; even Zeus Mussels' words. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Clamantha greets Oscar just to freak him out again (now that Bea is no longer on the Oscar marry list) and bounces backwards. Bea comes in and wants to marry Brandon Bubbler and Bassy blows her off. HAHA! So Bassy wants a relationship with him? And Coach Salmons wants to be a gay couple with him? That would be great if Brandon wasn't underage to begin with. Creepy as Bea's makeup look. Bea claims that she is kidding and wants world peace and Salmons calls her naive. Well; it's the adults who start the wars (if anyone can show a child or even a teen starting a war; please explain it to me with citations.) so I call projection. So much for that idea. If Bea had just shut the hell up; she probably would have won easily.
So Bea wants to cure rainy days and Miss Lips cries that there is no cure. What a shock that was as Zeus thanks her and Bea sobs like a baby and floats out stage left. That was 0.3 on the Crying 1950's Daisy Ducks scale. This is like shooting fish in a barrel; both ways. And Milo ups the ante even more backstage as she is talking with the other contestants and exchanging pleasure thoughts. I think Milo in his own way is finally admitting that Bea has no chance in hell in winning now. Bea tackles her down and demands help while in tear because she wants Brandon Bubbler so badly. This is the Anti-Disney Movement protest show by the new Disney. Memo to new Disney: give up. The Anti-Disney Movement doesn't care about this show at all. The Jonas Brothers have a lot more heat than this show will ever have. Get over yourself and let Milo have his fun. It's not like the creepy factor of this event has gone up to 11 at this point. So Milo powders her face again and tells her that the talent show is next and that's her strong point. Unless a bed is involved; she's toast. POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Bea wants more makeup so she powders her face again and again until she has flames in her mouth and has gotten ROID RAGES. Milo; what did I tell you about buying cosmetics from Larson & Gary? Bea powders her nose again and again until she is huffing and puffing. The fumes cause her to be dizzy and drunk as she staggers on stage and plops on the seat in front of the piano. Her head drops on the piano and she's out. We fade to black and return with the FPS of her looking up at the ceiling as Bea asks how she did and Oscar proclaims that he's still her friend and floats off. Bea doesn't know what to do as Milo consoles her. So we return to stage as Zeus Mussels introduces the guest of honor and his two fish bouncers; Fish Gunner and Fish Murphy...and Brandon Bubbler. You know; at this point, being in the same room as Brandon Bubbler would have been enough for me as a kid; but hey what do I know? I'm just a 432 pound male loser after all.
So Brandon and the fish guards take their seats as Bea notices Brandon and claims that they are farther apart than ever even though they are 20 feet away tops. Bea calls this her last chance and wants advice. This is truly becoming the saddest definition of insanity I have ever witnessed. And I have not even seen the copyright holders episode Spoiler Alert yet. Milo suggest acting cute. If there was any use for Escarmargot's quitting gimmick; this would be the perfect time to use it. Milo proclaims that the results will not be pretty as they have a staring contest to see who is dumber...and it's Bea because she proclaims that she'll do it. So we go on stage with Shellsea wearing the most absurd outfit in history which makes her look like a fish Rockette. Zeus thanks her and Shellsea float away stage left without saying a word. So Zeus introduces Bea as Milo sits down with Oscar claiming that Bea is going to win it all. Oscar tries to point out the same problem I am, but Milo shuts his trap. Look; I like a good Bea humilition as much as the next ranter, but this is the WRONG event to be doing this crap. Seriously; I mean it new Disney. So Bea comes out as Raggedy Ann with the biggest sucker she could find. Wow; you know you suck when you have to project yourself into a freakin lollipop. She bounces around poking her cheeks and the crowd and the judges actually love it. Leave it to them to act like the most sexist people out there. This episode is toast now as Bea pulls the curtain and she even brought a cat, a rabbit and a Tweety bird with goldfish bowls on their heads just to piss off everyone except the clueless, igrorant crowd and judges. The judges love it and we flash with the camera. Then the yellow canary bird and cat get scared and all hell breaks loose! Wow; they just saved the episode. Not from average; but from DUD and probably negative stars to boot.
So everyone bails; except for Brandon Bubbler who somehow is on stage as Bea claims that she went too far. Huh? How? So the canary is about to MURDER Brandon with it's webfoot; but Bea rushes in with the lollipop. Dammit! Not that it matters; since it's not Justin Bieber anyway. Bea yells at Brandon to run like the wind and Bea starts lollipoping the small animals ass. How ironic since Bea was the animal lover who stole Murphy from his real home. The animals break through the wall and Bea is stammering like an idiot. Zeus thanks Miss Bea as we scene change to Bea in her chair with Oscar and Milo. I guess she was DQ'ed; but not banned from the building sadly. So the winner of the beauty contest is #18 which is Ashley Kristen who waddles on stage acting like a baby. The other girls blow her off and walk out. Brandon crowns the winner as Bea admits that meeting Brandon was a bad meeting since it compromised her. The goofs with attitude walk towards the exit as Milo admits that he quit because he didn't feel he was good enough and was going crazy. Which he could have told her nine minutes ago and prevent this...Oh wait; it probably wouldn't have. Then Fish Gunner gives Bea a letter and Bea opens it to reveal that Brandon Bubbler is thanking her for saving her life from the small animals she brought into this contest in the first place. Aww; it's nice to know that Brandon is so forgiving. Sadly; in ten years, he would be wise to be less than forgiving. Brandon winks at her as Bea gets all giddy, pokes her cheek, circle fade out to end the episode at 10:30 approx. Thank goodness that one is over. As I said before; I like Bea being a glutton for torture; but considering the event, this was a really sad commentary on the consequences of the new Disney's really bad boy bands of the past; and it really depressed me that it seems Disney hasn't learned it's lesson completely on the issue. Milo and the finish were great; but really nothing else as it felt like I was watching someone in real life get bullied to the point of suicide. * (20%).
THE REVIEW LINE
What a downer we had with these two episodes eh? Oscar's Secret Admirer was almost average; but the fact that Milo and Oscar had to act so dumb just to make the storyline work in spite of the fact that Milo and Oscar should have clearly saw that the love letter was for Milo's granola girl. There were too many logic breaks and the whole thing reeked of stupidity. I did like Oscar's heart break coma routine; but it was the lone bright spot in an episode that seemed so pointless. And quite frankly; if the writers wanted to build for Angela; I would have had the finish be Bea kissing Oscar to put some heat into the feud. And Escarmargot didn't get involved in either episode. Little Fish Sunshine was the most depressing episode I have ever seen in DTVA. And unlike Down & Out In Duckberg; this was horrible depression. Now I know that I have made fun of Bea a lot; but seeing her here was absolutely horrifying because it was a beauty contest which shows the worst forms of sexism and ageism you can probably get. It doesn't help that Milo is the adviser and was in baby beauty contests which is more creepy than even beauty contests. Pokemon contests were a lot less depressing than this or real life. It just felt like Bea was being bullied by the writers; and I couldn't mock her because she looked so sad out there giving us her all. The only good thing in this episode was the finish involving the small animals wrecking havoc. And Brandon is as dummy as bubbley. What a sad two episodes we had? So tomorrow; I finish the Kick Buttowski Trash Talk episode and combine it with Power Play; and then it's off to Recess which is depressing in a much different sense. So......
Thumbs down for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.