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Fish Hooks
Unfinished Doll Business/Chicks Dig Vampires Rant
Reviewed: 10/30/2012
Chicks Also Dig Corn Too!
Our next rant up for bids on the "New Disney Price Is Silly; But I've Seen Thousands Worse" is two Halloween specials. The first episode features Bea and a cursed doll; while the second is Albert being a vampire trying to avoid Escarmargot because she not only has a cold; she's a secret vampire hunter. Someone has been watching Twilight again. So; let's rant on shall we...?
Unfinished Doll Business is written by storyboard by Carl "Dillweed" Faruolo; with story done by the QUAD TRIO OF WASTEFULNESS. Chicks Dig Vampires is written and storyboarded by Neil Graf. The story is done by Maxwell Atoms, Neil Graf, William Reiss and C.H. Greenblatt. All episodes are done with Toon Boom; thus correcting a serious mistake I made calling this series (and Kick Buttowski for that matter) done in Flash. My opinion is the exact same: Medium don't matter; talent does.
Unfinished Doll Business: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Exorcisms) as Bud is sitting down combing a doll's hair which is sitting at a table with a Teddy Bear. AWWWWW! That is so cute. Enough to make me gag; but it's still cute. So we head to Bea's bedroom as Bea is sitting in front of her mirror talking on her cell phone again. She's having Koi Fish tell jokes which is like hearing a hamster try to grunt. If you are going to book a character who can be understood when grunting; book a back story to it so that we can understand how they understand what she is saying. So Bea's mother comes in and shows us what she found somewhere; which is the uglist doll this side of me actually. Apparently; the doll was put in the attic so someone wanted to never see her again. Mom continues her puppet skills which are much more amusing than when Bea does it. So we discover that it's one of those dolls which performs several functions which she sets it to "eat" and it talks. So mother wants some kissy-kissy stuff between the baby doll and Bea's cheek gets eaten; as we discover that the baby's name is Princess Francis Sweetface. Now THAT's a good booking name. Mom starts getting the waterworks and Bea tells her that she loves the doll. Mom is so happy; but Bea is gulping as we get more horror music and the doll talking to force the point. So we head to the boys' house as Oscar is playing video games again while Milo looks himself in the mirror. He is practicing his kissing skills on it as Bea runs in and throws the doll on a table looking outright horrified at it. Milo call it just a doll. Well; it is just the ugliest doll ever; which makes Milo the reasonable one of the two. Oscar thinks that it's just a doll with a bad voice (I made up the bad voice part; but it's true anyway) as Bea tries to sell the fact that it's a doll who wants to torture her. Milo suggests getting rid of it; but Bea doesn't want to break her mother's heart. Like that ever stopped you from going to a party?
So Bea pushes the doll and wants the boys to keep it for her. Oscar proclaims that it doesn't make any sense and Bea end arounds both of them by claiming that she can always get the doll back this way and does some of the funniest (read: insane) poses ever before leaving. HAHA! Wow; that horror doll is making Bea into a 500% workrate god. I like that. POW! OUCH! Ummmm... (Shellsea: What did I tell you about stealing my gimmick Mr. Weagle?) So Oscar and Bea admire the doll and notice the knob on the back; which they set to eat. Then they take various international objects and put them into it's mouth which is like a vacuum cleaner; or a really crappy automatic toilet flusher. And speaking of fish suicide; Oscar's afro gets involved. Milo pops Oscar from the doll's mouth as Oscar is now looking like Bea's dad; and Milo is liking this so he twirls to knob to "shiver". The doll shivers as Milo twirls the knob again and the doll grows fangs which Milo changes expressions for a while before screaming. So we cut to Bea sleeping with the mask she probably stole from Rebecca Cunningham. She hears screaming as we see Milo throwing rocks at the glass door; and somehow the glass doesn't shatter. Bea floats to the door and demands answers to this outrage and outrageous doll. Milo then shatters the glass and throws the doll back to Bea because she's terrifying. So we play sissy slapping doll for a while which is the funniest visual possible. So someone hand slips and the doll drops on the floor and shatters. Wow; that is truly one defective doll there. Oscar and Milo take the pieces and throw them into the trash can outside as Bea proclaims that she will have to break the news to her in the morning. So we go to the AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) shot of the pet store and then we switch to morning with the cock crowing. Bea takes the mask off...in bed. Sadly for all you critics of sexism, she did take the mask off in bed.
She proclaims that she'll apologize to her mother...in bed. And then she turns around and there is the doll...in bed. And she's no longer in a daze; meaning that the doll is alive now and she has missed her. And it's perfectly intact. Mother conveniently shows up and loves this cuddling up...in bed. Bea looks horrified and we head to Oscar's house as the doll is on the table and Bea blows the boys off for making a practical joke on her. I don't think they need to do that to make you look like a joke; since you are clearly capable of doing that yourself. Oscar points out that the doll was smashed to bits and was placed in the trash can. So Milo and Bea do some shoving the doll in their faces for a bit; before Milo (who does some great sad scare faces to amuse me) throws the doll out of the fish tank and it shatters right in front of Wilfried; the killer cat of death. The cat eats the shattered remains of said doll and Bea sees this as a good sign. So we scene change to morning with the fishtank show as a cock sezs good morning. And of course the exact same thing happens to Bea...in bed. HAHA! So Bea brings back the doll as Oscar's hair is thining out even further while Milo is trying to save it. Bea puts the doll down and invokes the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT. So we repeat the morning; and the exact same thing happens to Bea...in bed. HAHA! So we head downstairs and it's a warzone literally. Milo throws a fake gernade at the doll for fun as Bea tries to go through several methods; but no luck. This doll is haunted and has a soul. So we need to do a exorcism on it and apparently; there is an expert on that very thing. So we head to Jumbo Shrimp's house which looks like a science lab. Jumbo Shrimp claims to be a fish of science which begs the question: science fact or science fiction. Because one of them is not science. I'll leave which is which as an exercise to the reader. Anyhow; JS points out that the only way to stop it is to show it some TLC as he demonstrated with a robot that he created. And the robot dies on cue. HA!
So Bea decides to show it TLC because nothing else works. And we have four minutes left; so we have to find some way to CDS the episode so that the time is well wasted. So Bea turns it to hug mode and it's head turns around and we do one of the most hilarious slow motion hugs in history. Bea's chattering teeth are doing her absolutely no favors in this whole thing. Sadly; the doll is pretty much seeing that this Bea is dishonest as the day is long; and the knob switches to Temper Tamtrum. And the doll has become the doll monster of death. It squashes Bea and crawls out of the tank towards the city park and scares the denizens as Bea screams for help because it needs love see. And waiting right there for the obvious payoff to the whole angle; sits Mr. Baldwin as he tells his babies that they don't have to hurry up as Bea chases the doll. So Bea tackles the doll down and this time; hugs him in a honest way as the knob switches to spit and it spits like a fountain all around including in Bea's face. This goes on for a long time until Bea proclaims that she'll love him till death kills her and the knob switches to nap and the doll sleeps dead away. So we head to a river as the doll is placed on a bed of sunflowers and they wave goodbye; as the bed floats on the river carrying the doll away. The background sparkles as Bea is giddy that the doll is gone for good. So we head back to Bea's bedroom as she slowly wakes up and there is no doll...in bed. She checks everywhere; including the oven but there is no doll in sight. The turkey seems to be in flames though as Bea screams that she's free to be the soft core porno star we always knew she would become. Sadly; she hears noises coming from the attic and Bea opens the trap door up and switches the light to discover that there are 500 of those dolls lying on the ground in the corner. I called that one the moment this episode started by the way. I knew Bea's mother bought her all these dolls for a reason.
So Bea gets murdered and tries to escape; but the attic door is blocked as Bea's mother rises from the ceiling and Bea panics that the dolls are taking revenge on her. Mother points out that those are replacement dolls she bought because she kept breaking them all these years; as shown as a doll bumps into Bea and crumbles. Obviously; Bea's mom is not a soccer mom, and thank PZ Meyers for small favors. Bea didn't tell her because she didn't want to hurt her feelings; but Mother is forgiving because she only wanted her to be happy regardless of the dolls. She also admits that they are terrifying as Dad goes all lalala on us when he pops up as they are broke. Everyone laughs and Dad drops off-screen breaking all the bones in his body to end the episode at 10:40 approx. Funny enough for what it was; and that's all I ask of Disney since Bea will never be over now. *** 1/2 (70%).
Chicks Dig Vampires: We begin with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Blood Transfusions. I don't even want to know what that involves.) as Bud has fangs and eats an apple which gets stuck in his fangs and he looks like a live pig with an apple in mouth, minus the ropes; basteter and open flame. He tries to spray apple juice with blood; but it fails badly (since only worms come out) as we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and the library with Escarmargot. She reads like she is grunting as Albert Glass admires her from the end of the table. So we get a lot of arkward looks for a while and then segue to Albert Glass trying to murder a locker and kicking the locker's ass; which causes the foot grabbing spot; from a jellyfish. Milo notices this and goes over to ask as Albert claims that he has girl problems because Escarmargot is hot to him. He has girl problems all right; and his definition of hot girl is a whole lot different than most of ours. He even shows off his tied tongue. So Milo, Jumbo Shrimp and Oscar give him advice which is so mixed that Albert looks down. To be fair; having money does help a lot so Jumbo Shrimp is the most reasonable of the three. So we head to the lunch room with the entire Bea clique including Clamantha eating lunch. Bea wants to pick a theme for movie night (I think) and it's vampires. Fish Twlight anyone? Escarmargot goes into complete panic mode right on cue; for no reason. Or so we think anyway. Bea calms her down because it's Low Light and Black Light tonight. A racist Twilight movie? Really Bea? Shellsea shows us that she is not a normal walking female stereotype at all by pulling a full slice of pizza out of her mouth to speak and then eats it again. Bea explains the Twilight gimmick and Escarmargot is not buying this much like I'm not buying that Hurricane Juan is worse than Sandy. Sandy is 2X Juan + White Juan rolled into one. It better get it's name retired from the hurricane name's list; or there is some affirmative action going on at the National Hurricane Center.
Fimberley is sweating and panicking like mad; but Escarmargot is going because the food will be good as she clears her nose and everyone cheers. The boy clique (which is four boys tops compared to six) watches on as Oscar claims that girls have the hots for vampires; thus justifying the title name. I should point out that the real Twilight is basically a sexed up version of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and has a notion of rendering female fans' brains to think that Buffy is a ripoff to Twilight. I'm not joking here folks; some fans seriously thought Twilight was ORIGINAL and that Buffy was the RIPOFF. Albert has a bright idea and he flashes like a light bulb. Now THAT is a neat spot as Albert wants to dress up like a vampire and win her heart with ease. Albert claps in glee and I now fear for the poor kids life. So we head to a classroom and...Oh goody! Deranged Kermit is back just in time for Halloween. He's baking a cake and comparing it to math. It's hard. Now can we have educators protest this spot; like they did with the Barbie dolls, or does this prove the tinge of sexism that was present in the last one. Shellsea and Bea are talking about the movie of course as Escarmargot feels scared. I would be scared too; since they are WORSE at spoiling the movie than Randy "I'm Kenny Powers; honest!" Pincherson. Escarmargot blows the girls off because she has had enough of this nonsense; and here comes Milo being overdramatic because he got bit (Milo's accent makes it sound like he got bitchen by a vampire; instead by bitten by a vampire.) by a handsome vampire. So Milo faints as ; the fall leaves fly in and here comes Albert The Glass Vampire (which should be his alter ego's new name) in the funniest vampire suit ever. Oh goody! I am so going to love this. Yes; I stopped counting the number of death references in these shows because Disney's policy is not like anime dubs.
Shellsea wants to get bit first; but Koi Fish shoves her away and grunts for being first. Koi offers her heart; but Albert wants Escarmargot and she panics right on cue. The only thing bad about this is that Bea is not the target because it would not only put more heat on Oscar; it would also be a sort of revenge payoff for what Bea did to Albert in Fishing For Compliments. Then again; that episode sucked, so I don't blame them for going with Escarmargot here. Personally; I would have gone with Fimberly just to give her a focus episode; since Escarmargot already had one. Shellsea calls Escarmargot a wench as she cannot believe this. Escarmargot sweats and panics as Albert comes closer and stammers like a shy boy. Deranged Kermit is on Albert's side (ummm; YAY?) as Albert checks with the boys and Albert proclaims that he is going to be sucking her blood now. Wow; BS&P? What BS&P? Escarmargot agrees to have dinner with him and get it over with as Albert does some "rahing" on Escarmargot before floating out. This is so great; but Albert is DEAD now as you will see. Shellsea is not amused as Albert shuts the door and tells the boys that he got a date. What I would like to know is; how did the boys manage to skip classes like that? And then we break dance. HAHA! So we get a shot of the fishtanks AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Escarmargot is hyper-ventilating coming into her house as he locks and barricades the door. We discover that her mom and dad are dead and their heads are hanging on a wall looking like potatoes. Escarmargot proclaims that tonight is the night that her parents have trained her for and she uses a pulley to open a secret passage into the basement. Escarmargot goes over to a glass case containing a stake and a hammer. Sadly; no cross involved since that is too offensive to show apparently. She proclaims that the hunter is now the hunted; which is silly because she is supposed to be in a league of vampire hunters; thus she's implying that she is still getting hunted. So yes folks; Escarmargot is living a double life of being an annoying normal girl with a cold in her nose; and being a secret vampire hunter to rid the world of vampires (fake or not) with a cold in her nose. I like that! DISCO~!!
So we head to Le Pincherson as we head inside to see Albert (in costume) sitting down at the table waiting for his date with a bowl of bread fish sticks. Albert wants to sweep her off her stinky foot and then we get the door opening and there is Escarmargot looking like a cross between Zorro and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She brought a sword and lots of garlic to the proceedings as she sits down at the table next to Albert. Oh; this is going to get good now. Albert praises her outfit and Escarmargot takes off the head and looks mean. We clearly see that Albert is miked to a transmitter to a faraway table with Oscar and Milo giving him instructions. Okay; just Milo which is the best choice for it. Oscar would just tell Albert to run right now; because he is ROOM FEED~! Milo tells him that Escarmargot smells like cheeseburgers and Oscar slaps the transmitter away... BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I would love to know whose idea it was to make Oscar dress up like a girl. And would I be surprised that it's Milo? Answer: Milo and no. Oscar tells Albert to say that he has waited 1000 years to find a girl like her. Oh come on Oscar; that is so stupid. Unless you now have the hots for Escarmargot; which is desparation after the incident with Bea and Angela. Milo blows Oscar off for being in disguise and Oscar counters that he didn't want to blow their cover. How about getting long range transmitters and staying home? That would have worked better as Oscar admires the dress he is wearing and Milo is flustered. So the pasta with meatballs comes in as Albert has tomato sauces plastered on his mouth like blood and Escarmargot proclaims that it has extra garlic in it. Ummm; Albert is only dressed up as a vampire. Otherwise; Albert would be dead now. Albert hisses and then no sells. HAHA! Escarmargot does the martial arts zoom in spot; with no zoom in, proclaiming that garlic has no effect; thus he's a super vampire. Like most vampires in Castlevania actually.
So Escar Belmont goes for Plan B - for crossbow. Wonder if it's a crying crossbow? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope she has teargas in that thing. Escarmargot is about to kill Albert with the crossbow; so Albert counters with a bunch of flowers. Escarmargot sweats as Albert knocks over a glass of cranberry juice which he gleefully calls blood and he goes all blah-blah on us. Escarmargot is shaking so badly; that she cannot pull the trigger on Albert. You would think that Albert saying it's cranberry juice before claiming that it's blood would have made Escarmargot realize that Albert is NOT a vampire; but new Disney characters are not the sharpest knives in the drawers. See Clamantha in Two Clams In Love. She finally fires the crossbow which misses by a mile as Mr. Baldwin complains about the 20% tip at another table to the FRENCH WAITER OF DOOM (which at least makes sense here); but his bill gets darted. So Mr. Baldwin gives him money and his keys. Whatever; no one care about the French waiter. So Escarmargot shoves the table away and sobs like a baby crawling away stage right. I rate that 0.4 on the Crying 1950's Daisy Ducks scale. Albert is bummed out from this and it's time for a rethink. So we see Albert building a coffin. I'm serious about this as Oscar panics just as he comes in. Albert is wearing pointy ears now as he has gone full stereotype vampire now as he also brings out the werewolf costumes which Milo and Oscar will wear. See; Albert did some research and girls dig vampires who kill werewolves. Oh; this is MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH; which explains why Oscar is sweating profusely right now. The boys put on their costumes; and Milo's is slightly too small for him as the kids howl at the moon. Where is Jumbo Shrimp anyway? So we are heading to the school; but first, a shot of Bud's Pets AFTER HAPPY HOUR as the sign has been changed to Werewolf Supplies. Whatever guys. We get a shot of Escarmargot outside telling her parents that she'll be late for the Doctor Hootname marathon because she is going to hunt Albert The Glass Vampire. Some fan she is; you do NOT miss a parody of a Doctor Who marathon. NEVER!
So we go to the water testing tank as Albert Glass wants some sleep for tomorrow as he slumps into the coffin and shuts the lid. This is going to be the biggest mistake of his life as the door opens and here comes Escar Belmont as she pushes the coffin with a tied up Albert Glass in it towards the outside of the pet store as we zoom out and see a sunrise. And just to break logic and reason; Bud's sign sezs Sunrises on it. Was that even needed guys? Nevertheless; this episode is awesome. So we head to the front of the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as we see Coach Salmon playing a trumpet. We then see Bea coming up from behind with Shellsea and Bea tells Shellsea not to look because there is only one thing hotter than vampires; and that is werewolves. So I'm guessing a Wolfwere is more ice cold than a supermouse. Oscar and Milo (in werewolf costumes) are wondering where Albert is. We then go outside as Albert wakes up and sees sunlight as his body is cracking up. He panics and struggles in his bondage and then uses his head to reflect the sunlight and burn through the ropes which burn so good. DORKY JELLYFISH ON FIRE~! HAHA! Albert bounces back into the pet store as we head back to the goofs with attitude plus walking female stereotype as Shellsea asks which one is going to protect her from a vampire. Milo and Oscar point out that they are looking for Albert and Shellsea blows him off. YOU DON'T DISS THE GLASS VAMPIRE~! Albert is struggling to climb up and dodging the killer cat is not helping matters at all. So we see Escarmargot crawl in claiming that she had a rough night and Shellsea doesn't want to hear it. And Oscar and Milo have the Gruffi pose and proclaim that Escarmargot is going to get it now. Well; that could be difficult since she does have the power to kill someone with her cold.
So they howl in such a hilarious matter that Escarmargot is still not in on the joke (as usual) and bails to get some silver bullets and wolfsbane. However; she hears gasping and in crawls an nearly dead Albert Glass who just won't stay dead. Albert gets tackled down by Oscar and Milo (Ummmm; guys, Albert is not working you. He's almost legit dead. Guys? GUYS?!) and we get a wicked **** squash of Albert which would make Jocktopus hang his head in shame; and Albert pushes everyone aside and spits out the vampire fangs. He has HAD it with this vampire stuff and admits that he dressed up as one to impress her. His eye is swollen shut by the way as Escar Belmont stammers like an idiot claiming that she wasn't trying to kill him. Riiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttttt. Are we on Candid Fish Camera or what? So they kiss and make up; and make faces at each other in confusion as the others go all awww on us and that ends the episode at 10:40 approx. Awesome Halloween special right there; as Albert was game in making Escarmargot look paranoid and Bea wasn't used all that much. Great chemistry between Escarmargot and Albert for a change too. **** 1/2 (90%).
THE REVIEW LINE
These two Halloween episodes are leagues better than Halloween Haul was last season. Unfinished Doll Business was pretty good since they wrote Bea properly here as a doll hater and the doll returned for revenge; only it was Bea's mother at the end basically admitting that she was feeding the dolls to her bed. While the episode isn't awesome; it was funny enough and seeing Bea being game for being horrified continues to show that Miss Kane should get into horror movies because she at least has the grade Z acting skills down pat. Chicks Dig Vampires was the one I was looking forward to and it delivered in coffins so to speak. Albert had probably his best episode performance ever as he really made Escarmargot sell the fact that she was being threatened to the point where Escarmargot has to play Buffy The Vampire Slayer the G rated version to get over. I loved the chemistry here and we have a really good relationship brewing here. Sadly; I expect this one to burn into hell like the Oscar/Bea and Oscar/Angela ones did because Disney hates love. Or something. Milo and Oscar as werewolves made me laugh and the Twilight references were funny (except for the Black Light one; that was racist.). I did deduct 1/2* for not having Escarmargot bring tear gas to that crossbow and pay off the Plan B gag. Overall; two very good shorts and this makes an enjoyable Halloween for me. So next weekend; I finish off Recess with All Grown Down and then start Kim Possible from there. So......
Thumbs in the middle for Unfinished Doll Business and thumbs up for Chicks Dig Vampires and I'll see you all next time.