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Fish Hooks
Koi Story/Super Extreme Grandma Games To The Max Rant
Reviewed: 04/13/2013
Don't Lie! Grandmas are AWESOME!
Our next rant up for bids on the "New Disney Price Is Silly; But I've Seen Thousands Worse" is our very first Koi Fish focused episode as apparently; Koi Fish is a legit badass. You would think the grunting voice and size would give her the title by default; but not in this show apparently. I just find it so awful that Fimberly has still not gotten a focus episode; when Escarmargot Zipper got two already. What do the writers have against Fimberly? Sure; I don't really care about her; but that's because she is a gimmick instead of a character. Then next up is Milo once again has to fend off the EVIL ONE because the EVIL ONE is about to do the slimest heel move in history: Winning in the Grandma Games. He is so low now. I am looking forward to this one because it features Milo and his bingo ladies trying to defend the games of it's integrity from the show's hell poison himself. So how does this episode fare? So; let's rant on shall we...?
Koi Story is storyboard and written by Blake Lemons. The story is done by the directors of this short (you know which two), Blake Lemons, Maxwell Atoms and Noah Z. Jones. Super Extreme Grandma Games To The Max is written and storyboards by Neil Graf, Joe Johnston, Blake Lemons and Ian Wusseluk. The story is done by the QUADRIO OF WASTEFULNESS. All episodes are done with Toon Boom; thus correcting a serious mistake I made calling this series (and Kick Buttowski for that matter) done in Flash. My opinion is the exact same: Medium don't matter; talent does.
Koi Story: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Lies. From whom?) AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Bud is rolling on the barrel of laughs from left to right and crashes off-screen into some window or something. So we zoom into the driveway of the Goldfishbergs as Koi's mother is driving a car and destroys the mailbox. Okay; which Wuzzle taught Koi's mother how to drive? Okay; having Koi being the focus character presents one problem: What the hell is she talking about? Seriously; her gimmick is she cannot speak regular dialogue and just grunts. Now since the other kids understand her; that's not a huge problem, but here it is when Koi is either alone or grunting to her mother who also grunts. The guise of this opening is that Koi gets out; Koi's mother gives her a pillow, a cell phone and pink hearted underwear. I see she has the Delia fetish of doom and she kisses her right in her right eye. Is there some BS&P rule that prevents characters from kissing on the cheek? Or is it because the writers think it's goofy or something? Oh wait; it's because the writers are goofy because Koi kisses her mom on the cheek and floats off. Koi enters Bea's house as apparently more crashing sounds ensue outside. Someone needs to do some hands on stuff concerning Koi mother's driving skills. We meet and greet as all the female fish that don't hate Bea are here: Clamantha, Shellsea, Bea, Escarmargot and "When am I going to get a focus episode?" Fimberly. Bea pats the floor and it wouldn't be Bea without her wearing banana yellow pjs. So our first game of the night is called "Uncomfortably Personal Questions" which Bea shows the box. For ages 10 and up I might add.
The girls get giddy including Milovia and Oscaribeth who are sitting down in between Fimberly and Koi Fish. HAHA! Bea sees right through the disguises and yells at them to get out NOW! Oh sod off, Bea! You are just jealous that Milovia has a lot more heat and likability than you. Both boys pretending to be girls giggles and float out of the house without further incident. Sadly; I was hoping Milo would say "Oscarbeth and MILO-VIA love games" because Milo doing his name while with the girl voice is comedy platinum. So we bring the cards out and Bea picks one and asks the question: "What is the craziest thing they have ever done?" Did I mention that Oscarbetha and MILO-VIA are still spying on them from the glass windows outside? Bea starts off with Escarmargot which I think the craziest thing she has done is try to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer and almost killed Albert The Glass Vampires. She picks her nose and her answer is actually a lot closer to what I thought was crazy: She wanted to graze his manly chest. So I'm guessing the Albert/Escarmargot relationship is still intact. Everyone thought that was crazy as Bea asks Clamantha next. The craziest thing she has done in my view is kiss Oscar while dressed up as Doris Flores Gorgeous on Fish Niaraga Falls. Sadly; she juggles hammers and her shell breaks in half. Pffft. Wuss. Shellsea is shocked as Bea thinks it's crazy and she needs to see a doctor. Clamantha puts on a green bandage on her shell and claims that she's fine. Riiiigggghhhhhtttt Clamantha. So Bea asks Fimberly next and the only thing crazy she did was sign on as the bump machine. And stalk the fish version of Taylor Swift......Allegedly.
Sadly; she claims that she mixed hot cocoa with hot chocolate and her giddyness indicates that she is completely clueless and thus is crazy. Bea winking at her and telling her to go girl brings evidence to my theory. Bea then is about to pick Koi Fish; but then decides to skip her for now. I think that is a good decision; just not for the reasons Bea and Escarmargot claim which is that she's like vanilla oatmeal. No; I want to hear the crazest thing Shellsea has ever done. Hopefully; it's no selling seeing Oscar get kicked in the face five times in Fish Talent Show. Koi tries to explain; but Shellsea dismisses her because her mother was involved. Bea shuffles the card and will bring out another question because Koi has not done anything crazy. Damn; I wanted to hear Shellsea's crazy tale too. We get the dramatic tease music of doom as Koi does some sad faces and then grunts like mad which shocks everyone including Bea as the cards go flying. Everyone is in shock and now they proclaim that she did something really crazy and Koi Fish never lies. It's hard to be lied too when you the audience don't know what the hell she is saying! Everyone points to her and calls her crazy "in a good way". They also call her a badass in roundabout terms; including one who channels Inspector Gadget as Wowzers Bad. Yeah; apparently Koi was a heel badass gang member at one time.
Personally; Koi is not a good choice simply because she's already big and it just plays into the stereotype that the little guy cannot be the best. Personally; I would have given Fimberly this role because it's so absurd to think of FImberly this way; but at least it gives her actual character developer instead of being just a prop for the writers to amuse themselves with. Anyhow; Bea's Dad comes in with two platters of food coloring laced macroons. They do the football victory spot on him and drag him out of the door as he continues to go LALALA for fun. Escarmargot leaves a trail of slime which keeps breaking logic, time in and time out. Koi sweats and then goes to the window as MILO-VIA and Oscarbeth are still spying on them. The window is open and we exchange notes with Koi and the fake girls. Sadly; I was hoping Milo would continue with the girl voice in this scene because it's comedy diamond. So Milo blows Oscar off and Oscar doesn't want soggy macroons from Koi's tears. So Milo asks what's wrong and Koi is in tears and grunting that she lied to them. Milo assures her that she's fine because he lied before coming here. I would LOVE to know what Milo lied about just to see Oscar squirm. Sadly; he seems to be backing up Milo on the lying stuff as Koi continues to grunt and they take it as Koi feeling better and Milo wants macroons. HAHA!
So we scene change to morning at the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as the bell rings and Koi enters the school and into the hallway as all the female girls (including Tabathia) are gossiping and Koi's name is mentioned while they whisper. Koi floats through the hallway as Albert waves to Koi along with Jumbo Shrimp. Koi passes by as Albert and Jumbo Shrimp make a dramatic deal out of waving hello to Koi Fish. Koi then hears clapping and we pan over to Shellsea clapping. Koi comes over as Shellsea thanks her because she's officially awesome. Boy; the writers sure have a personal grunge against Fimberly at this point. Shellsea of course told everyone about her actions and Koi panics on cue. HAHA! So we see Pass, Punt and Fumble on their hands and knees and bowing to their new master. HAHA! If only they did that with Albert Glass; that would be even funnier. Most so; if Jocktopus was doing it. Speaking of the trope; Fimberly claims that she consulted Cody and it's all true according to him. Come on writers! We have three servicable plotlines to pay off for Fimberly, and you won't PAY THEM OFF?! What is wrong with you?! Steve Jackson comes in and he's cool with Koi and Koi's jaw drops on cue. HAHA! So we whisk off to a scene changer and head to Mr. Baldwin's class as he is talking about his kind having babies in 2-4 weeks. This show has been going on for almost three years now I think. When is Mr. Baldwin going to give birth to that baby inside his body? Apparently; the pop quiz deals with the question of what monster is growing inside his body. Answer: Cancer?
Koi grunts as she tries to write down her answer; but Baldwin grabs the paper and tells her not to bother answering as she's getting an automatic A+ because of what she did. Apparently; a little bird called Evan told him who is really a cheesy orange bird with a blue bowtie who is flying underwater. We have now reached the point where the writers just don't give a damn about logic and reason anymore. Oh wait; the bird is holding it's breath; but that still doesn't explain why it's flying underwater. Bea is so proud of Koi with her badass personality (that she doesn't have) that she shalt rule the school. Well; that is a million times more believable than having heads explode when Fanboy and Chum Chum wear each others' noses, so whatever. Koi Fish puts on the skull black doo rag. Sadly; the pink hearts as the skull part negates the badass effect. It's sort of like Austin Aries when he skips. So we do the Teddy Ruxpin song of doom as she has Bad News written on her big ass. That was depressing considering that I saw that video game ad for Juiced way back in the day. It doesn't help that she has a pink background behind her. Then we do the water bucket pass spot; only with Koi as the bucket of water. Yeah; Koi is three times bigger than most of the fish and yet they manage to carry her over their heads easily. Hugh is in this one as Koi is in front of the lunch line as the Lunch Lady from Get A Yob (As soon as I get my new computer back; that is one of the final episodes left to do before the spring break I am having.) spoons gruel into her bowl.
So we cut to Koi eating gruel at the table without a spoon; so Lunch Lady gives her a complete rich meal of sweets, pizza and eggs. Koi stretches her arms out in victory. She tells stories like Monty who merely grunts and gets her red hair curled into curlers by seven fish girls with blue hair. The same ones I saw in Fuddy Duddy Study Buddy. Everyone claps as she is happy as heaven can be. Even Mr. Baldwin is joining in on the white lie. So we head to the gym with dodge ball as Jocktopus murders Escarmargot who no sells while Fimberly takes about five balls and comically oversells them. Half of them I think made contact with her face. The shock is not Fimberly being used as a bump machine; but Escarmargot stealing Shellsea's gimmick. Koi steps in and Jocktopus helps Fimberly (who is covered in Escarmargot's slime I should point out) and Escarmargot up and then flees the scene like a coward. Koi winks with pink background. More stories to the Lobster Nephews, Dan Chovie and Doctor Frog. Oh goody! Deranged Kermit is back! At least they used a blue background for the next Koi close up this time. So finally we head to the football field as we see the boys play lacrosse (Canada's real official game; not that violent ice hockey nonsense!) as Jumbo Shrimp seems to be having FImberly's genes infecting him as he does a faceplant near the goalie. Jocktopus is near a bench frustrated. Did I mention that Steve Jackson is the goaltender for this game? And Jumbo Shrimp squashed Albert Glass for fun as we head to the stands with the girl babyfaces (minus Angela of course) as they enjoy seeing the boys make complete fools of themselves.
Shellsea is more interested in seeing Steve Jackson flex his pecks which is exactly what Steve Jackson does while smiling for the hard camera. Sadly; his pecks movement needs work. Lex Luger needs to sit down Steve Jackson and teach him the wonders of flexing those pecks. And then Piranha (her actual name is Piranhica, so I'm guessing that she's called Piranha for short) floats in and complains about Bea taking over her seat because she is watching her man which is Jocktopus hitting Jumbo Shrimp with the stick. Ummm; could someone check to see if Albert/Jumbo Shrimp are alive? Sadly; he's using the net part instead of the stick part as Piranhica demands that the girls leave right now and Fimberly no sells that deal because they have Koi Fish and she's a "badass" see. Which is not hard to be believable when she's the biggest fish in the entire school. Bea tells her that she should know what Koi has done in the past. Now that I really think about it: What exactly did Koi do that is so badass anyway? Did I mention that Koi is wearing a SWANK black leather jacket? Piranha is no selling this gossip because she's not impressed since she has done it a dozen times over. Bea proclaims that Koi can do that even better as Koi plea grunts not to take this crap any further as the lie has spun out of control. Piranha calls Koi Fish out and calls her all talk and a talking liar. Which is hilarious considering that Koi Fish cannot even talk. She just grunts. Koi Fish has the quiver look on her face and sweats. Sadly; not nearly as Oscar does. Escarmargot proclaims that Koi is not lying and then asks her if she is.
Koi grunts lightly as her courage has turned into lobster courage now. Piranha points to the tank about 100 feet away and wants her to jump over the shark tank as we see the shark in the fish tank. What sadist pet store owner keeps a shark? It's one thing with the killer cat; but a shark? And yes; I'm ignoring the obvious "Jump the Shark" joke here; for obvious reasons. The shark growls and then turns friendly for no real reason that I can think of by cutting a promo on being jumpable and having a cute tail. Whatever. Bea blows him off as lame. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Piranha seriously needs to rethink her definition of badass. That shark is less of a badass than Albert Glass. Ponder that one for a moment. Bea of course has a much better idea for Koi Fish to jump over and it's the KILLER CAT OF DEATH (aka Wilford) as we see Wilford trying to jump up to a cage and grab a bird. It swipes it and falls down as Bea nods to Koi for approval and Koi acts all tough and then facepalms herself. Bea and Piranhica give eye contact violence to each other and they agree to meet after the very last bell. So Koi is running away and she is looking for someone through the hallways and then we cut to apparently; the music room as Oscar and Milo are sleeping on the stands where the violin and guitar are propped up. The mature lighting is in effect here as Koi opens the door and the light wakes Milo and Oscar up. Why are they in this room is a question that continues to evade me to this very second.
Milo wants the door shut because they are taking 5th period; which apparently is their afternoon nap. Koi comes in all hysterical which is actually made more entertaining by her gimmick. I see now why they chose her over Fimberly. Still sad to see Fimberly being punted like this. Koi grunts as Milo blows her off for fibbing. Koi then grunts in an angry tone which the guise of it is that she's calling out Milo for telling her that's it's okay to lie. Milo blows her off again; but then proclaims that Milo mistook it as her lying down. Oscar has that look of "We really screwed her didn't we?" and calls it a classical mistake. Ummm; that's the charm of Milo Moments, Oscar. Milo proclaims that this is not cool as all. I sense Milo is trying to wipe his hands clean of this whole thing as Koi grunts some more. Look; Koi's grunts are like those aliens from Backyardigans where every word is called "boingga". It makes more sense to use non-verbal cues and physical spots to understand what is going on. The problem with that is; most cartoons no longer do those things properly because the writers think that kids cannot pick up on those things. Which is stupid because most kids use non-verbal cues as a way to communicate when they are developing their speech. Like a baby who cries a lot; their non-verbal cues and actions are key to finding out what is wrong and then correcting the problem. Milo suggests telling the truth; but Koi grunts that she doesn't want to bear telling Bea that. So Milo suggests putting her money where her mouth is and jump the killer cat...
...and we segue over to the top of a ramp as Milo is yelling at Koi for being crazy as she is wearing a white roller skate. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So we get the zoom out shot of the ramp and the killer cat and this is a million times more scary and dangerous than anything Kick Buttowski has ever done. And people are shocked when it got canceled and Fish Hooks got a third season...Allegedly. Oscar proclaims that this is not better than telling the truth. Gunther Magumson would like to have a word with you; but he's in church now getting his mouth washed out with soap...Allegedly. So Piranha thanks Mr. Baldwin for the rope (to hang himself and Koi after this episode is over) as we see Mr. Baldwin and Evan is the bird which Mr. Baldwin gets on his back and it flies. This is so lame. Cats love fish; so why bother with the bird. Just push Koi's roller skate off the ramp. Easy. So we get the teasing of the rope unlooping from the coil as Koi sweats and does the quiver face again. Then she turns to her right and grunts like a maniac. The guise of this is that she has confessed that she lied about the whole thing. Everyone is shocked and appalled, while Piranha is probably laughing her ass off at her expense. Wow; she blows Koi Fish off and then pushes her. Memo to Koi: LET GO OF THE ROPE BEFORE YOU CONFESS~! Prianha proclaims that she's going down. Ummm; you already won and got her to confess to the lie. Pushing her down the ramp means that she is going to prove you wrong even if it's unintentional. That is such a Jocktopus mistake if I ever saw one.
And yes; Koi Fish goes off the ramp and into the air as we do the slow motion spot where Wilford jumps up and chomps a huge part of Koi's head off; which doesn't kill her. Everyone is amazed and they cheer as apparently; Koi Fish is officially crazy. Prianha sulks in defeat; a defeat SHE caused by pushing Koi down the ramp. IDIOT! And yes; Koi is still too fat as Koi, Mr. Baldwin and Evan crash into a pile of boxes and stuff off-screen much to the horror of the girls. The funniest thing about this is that Fimberly would have been a better choice because she can be crazy and still do her gimmick of bumping; and still come out as a character set for life. So we scene change to the girls as Koi Fish has a bandage on the head side that is still intact; but the piece that was chomped off by the cat is still shown completely. BS&P? What BS&P? She's also almost a mummy as she is walking with a cane as Bea helps her. Koi grunts an apology and Bea forgives her. You girls better forgive her after that stunt Piranha directly caused. They head to Koi Fish's house and ring the door bell because apparently Koi has a story to grunt. Koi's mother answers and she is horrified about Koi's injuries as we head inside with Koi Fish explaining what happened as only she can: by grunting. Koi's Mom faceplants on the floor and everyone laughs on cue as we get a closeup of Koi smiling with the metallic singing of doom to end the episode at 10:40 approx. A pretty good episode; although it would have been much funnier if Fimberly was the one who did this. Otherwise; this was awesome. **** (80%).
Extreme Grandma Games To The Max: We begin with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Adult Diapers. Thankfully; those diapers are not used; or lord have mercy on the buyer's pants! ) as Bud is knitting a sweater with pink yarn while rocking on a rocking chair with glasses on. Did I mention that the wool he's using is being stripped off a sheep dyed in pink wool. The lamb gets pissed off and tackles Bud; headbutting him and tipping the chair over. HAHA! So we head to the ROMAN COLLESSUM OF DEATH which is conveniently located west of the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as we zoom in and the crowd pops as we see a old lady pink fish in a wheelchair doing the pole vaulting event with fury. She manages to vault herself over the bar with three feet of air to spare and lands on the purple mattress perfectly and does the double devil pose better than Kick Buttowski. Everyone cheers on cue as we zoom into the crowd with Milo and Oscar joining the chorus of cheers. Milo has a purple foam finger on and his cheering sounds more like screaming. At least Milo does his scream cheer better than Peter Griffins laugh/cry routine. You know; the crying and the laugh are the exact same sound. We discover that the grandma they cheered is Vira according to Milo as he is way too excited about cheering her. I know this because Oscar looks like he wishes he were somewhere else. Vira twirls some streamers for fun as she has her walker and somehow manages to do all this without it. Oscar proclaims that Milo loves these games and Milo is here to support everyone he plays with at bingo every Friday night. Gotta love Milo for that. Only he could sit down and play bingo with old people. Awesome!
Then we see him cheering on a old lady version of Fimberly wearing a green track suit; which we discover is Fimberly's grandmother according to Milo. And she hasn't bumped yet; but she finds a way to annoy me by confusing this with the early bird special. Yeah; she wants to eat as Milo is still way too excited about this. See; he loves old people and loves these games because it's a celebration of old people doing awesome things and hurting themselves. It's like NASCAR; only for seniors who break the stereotype ceiling. Sadly; Bea ruins the fun as she's in a pink dress and she's the announcer. Oh lord; where is Malstrom's gun from A Fool's Paradise when I need it? She introduces the games as Oscar asks how she got hand selected and Bea claims that she got it by her wit and charm. Okay; here's what really happened: Which means we HIT THE FLASHBACK. We see three old ladies talking about who to pick to be the announcer for the games and the conveniently placed palm tree pops up to reveal Bea yelling at them to pick her. The shortest lady thinks the palm tree is talking as Bea continues to put the pressure on to annoy me. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Bea proclaims that this is the first paid gig she has ever done and she's going to knock them dead. And naturally; the old folks have no sense of figure of speech which forces Bea to correct herself. HAHA! The old folks breathe a sigh of relief as Bea introduces us to the Grandma Games and acts like a crappy rap star. Whatever. So our first event is the 1 1/2 meter dash. Wait; I thought this was about old people doing old things. So why are they doing a dash that is 1/100th the distance that even the special Olympic athletes do. Damn; make up your mind! Are they awesome or not?!
So we hear the starter pistol and the old folks dash in the slowest motion possible as on the far right; there is a crab who has glasses on and a wig appearing to be the grandma version of the EVIL ONE. Oh wait...And yes HE dashes and wins easily without the walker. And even with a old folks voice; he still blows his cover and still wishes he had the panche of Kenny Powers. On the other hand; Randy Pincherson butting his ass into these games does make him a really effective "piece of crap" heel, so at least that part of the episode is working well. Milo doesn't have the two clicks in the making of a clue; but he does think that crab is fimiliar as he pole vaults over near the clueless babyfaces cutting his "I wish I was Kenny Powers" promo. You know which one. I'M GREGORY WEAGLE AND I SAY STOP ACTING LIKE A MORON OSCAR! Milo proclaims that something is fishy. NO?! REALLY?! Oscar wants to investigate anyway because we have to CDS the episode since it's clear that it's the EVIL ONE himself. Subtley is not in Randy's action usage. However; a baby floats in with a fishbowl on his head and has a Indian accent informing us that he got kicked off the field because he is not a Grandma. Old Man is voiced by Sunil Malhotra and he started with American Desi as Hemart in 2001. He did several movies like Ball & Chain, Indian Cowboy, Cross Bronx, and Fair Game. He also starred in video games like Killzone 3, Halo: Reach, X-Men Destiny as Quicksilver and Final Fantasy 13-2. Kick Buttowski as Yogi is his DTVA debut. He has 42 acting credits to his resume. Spec Ops: The Line is his most recent credit. He was assistant editor for three documentaries based on Star Wars, Spiderman and Superman. He also did editing, writing and production for Indian Gangster and Call Center, both shorts. See; only grandmas are allowed on the field. So someone kick BEA off the field please! I think everyone and their dog knows where this is going. I smell a flushed toilet in Oscar's future too.
Both give Gruffi poses and then we segue to Milo and Oscar dressed up like old ladies onto the field. HAHA! Good for you writers! Milo and Oscar dressed up as old ladies is MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Bea doing announcing is opposite of money. Milo has the purple dress on while Oscar has the orange one with purple anime hair. Milo has the Marge hair; only in green. They go to the bench as Randy sees them right away without a second thought. Oscar panics because their makeup is flawless. Umm; Randy clearly saw you in the crowd with the Gruffi poses on; so he was exepcting this. Remember Spoiler Alert? Milo gets in his face as we see Randy has brains underneath that disguise. Oooookkkkkkkaaayyyy. Milo proclaims that he smells like corn chips and he takes off the shell and it's the EVIL ONE. Randy steals the shell back and blows them off for blowing his cover. Milo blows him off for doing the lowest thing in the history of Fish Hooks: Dress up like a grandma to win in the Grandma Games. Now this would be obvious psychological projection; but Milo and Oscar are not competing in the event. They are in disguise to catch a cheater; namely the EVIL ONE himself. Milo asks how Randy can live with himself doing this in dramatic fashion for a long ass whomping time. HAHA! Randy proclaims that he can because he wishes he was Kenny Powers. Or something. So Milo yells and points at Randy for being a cheater to the crowd. One problem: He's still wearing the disguise. Next time: Throw the disguise away Milo! Idiot! The crowd doesn't buy it of course because they are too blind, deaf and dumb to notice. Sigh.
Randy laughs it off because they will never find out that he's a teenager. Milo proclaims that he cannot allow this outrage. Doesn't matter because both Randy cheating at the Grandma Games and the writers breaking logic on the Grandmas already (Remember Milo said it's old folks doing awesome things..and hurting themselves which hasn't happened either. Unless you are talking about their brains.) is really outrageous. Milo is not going to allow Randy to take away the Grandma's right to be awesome. I think the writers have already DONE that Milo. So Milo proclaims that he and Oscar are entering the contest BABEE! Milo of course continues to rant on in a funny fashion and then catches himself and invokes the pointy finger of death proclaiming that he should wait and see. So we get an explosion for no reason and see Milo preparing as Randy and Milo exchange stretches while Eye Of The Tiger is being played. So Disney owns the rights to the song? I doubt it because the music is owned by Sony. So... WHAT?! Lots of human girl legs show up and then closeups with eye contact violence. So then we scene change to a yellow billboard like sign that shows the words knitting (which has a lot of blue yarn) as Milo and Vira knit to their hearts content as Vira knits a decent blue sock while Milo knits a black tuxedo. HAHA! Yeah; it's a logic break, but Milo Moments are funny, so I'm going to let that one slide. So we go to the second event which is the pickle jar in green knitting yarn as Randy and Vira pick pickles out of the jar and Grandma tears her arm clean off while Randy pinches for the easy win.
And during this event; I realize that this is not Eye Of The Tiger despite the fact that it uses the same music as Eye Of The Tiger; only with completely different lyrics. Can we now stop complaining about fan soundtrack remixes once and for all guys? Next event is Walkerobics which is basically gymnist moves done on a walker. And yes; the knitting yarn for the letters are purple; why do you ask? Oscar does some cool moves on it as Vira cannot even keep up; giving Oscar the win as Randy jumps on his back and tackles him down. Whatever Randy. So we go to event #5 which is the Rockabye (in white knitting letters this time) as we see Randy juggle three babies at once and safely cuddies them. Oh lord; that was poopy and Oscar and Milo agree with me. How do you win that one? So next up is the Doily Toss and the animators have decided to stick with white knitting yarn colors this time. Which means they toss Doilies like in the hammer throw; only they usually land within two feet as Fimberly's Grandmother discovered. Well; at least she hasn't bump for anyone. Yet. Milo comes in and throws it like a discus as it lands into an old man's mouth who was cheering this feat. Heh. Then we get the fighting game eye contact violence staredown of doom and then we do another explosion scene changer; but we just have to give Bea more airtime. So we see Bea in the announcing booth underneath the purple "Grandma Games" sign (believe it or not; a developer called Fupa Games actually has a "Grandma Game" section. That's really insulting.) as Bea announces that there are four fish left in the Grandma Games and we are at the semi finals as the final four are Oscarbeth, MILO-VIA, Rachel Pincherson (my new booking name for Randy in this episode) and some Grandma that will be eliminated first for sure. If you cannot name the final two right now; you have no business reading this rant. Milo's head blows off Randy for fun. HA!
So we zoom out to a daredevil ramp and I see that now that Kick Buttowski has been canceled; they are combining all of his gimmicks into this show. Fine by me; Milo is a lot more likable than Kick anyway. So it's wheel chair skateboarding as Milo rides down the ramp and then up into the air and does a beautiful Tony Hawk skateboarding move in slow motion which is dramatic and awesome. Milo blows a heart kiss to the crowd who all the old guys lose their dentures on cue. Well; that was apporos because that move was jaw dropping. And since Kit Cloudkicker is buried; Milo will do nicely in a pinch. I'M GREGORY WEAGLE~! Bea calls this an amazing performance as Milo sticks the landing and kisses to the crowd again. So Bea announces the old lady as Ready Handswaggle (I think I got the name right) as she complains about the window being open even though she is in a open stadium. The ref is a yellow seahorse who may or may not be related to Mr. Baldwin; blowing a whistle and wearing the stripes. So the ref pushes Ready down the ramp and she knits during the entire stunt as she gets way too much air and she flies into the air and is completely out of sight. They have no choice but to DQ her; thus MILO-VIA wins by default. Which is stupid because Milovia would have won anyway in spite of Ready's knitting skills. So the Triple DQ finish is out the window with Ready now. Obvious mistake: Bea calls Milo Ready Handswaggle despite the fact that the old lady was ADDRESSED by that name. Even so; MILO-VIA is much cooler, so sod off writers!
So the second semi-final is Granny Oscarina (Okay; that's funnier than Oscarbeth at least) against Grandy Pincherbottom. Okay; that is a funnier booking name then mine; so shoot me. Bea proclaims that they are in the most dangerous event of the entire Grandma Games which is Catfish Stocking. If this is the most dangerous event; then why not wait until the finals to do this event? Either Bea is an idiot; or the writers have lost their minds. I'm going with the later in this case. So MILO-VIA (That's the name and they should stick to it!) gives Oscarina a pep talk about beating Grandy in this competition. Problem here is; if that happens, then Randy would win anyway since both have to blow their cover at some point and that would be a double DQ. So Randy pulls one of the catfishs from the pile of catfish and they are a lot more CAT than fish with lots of Kirby's Epic Yarn fur. Or today; the Yoshi Yarn style. It begins to sway as Oscar pulls one out from the bottom and puts it on top. Yeap; it's a catfish version of Jenga. It starts to tip over as Grandy is loving this while the babyfaces are about to panic and then the tipping stops. Oscar calls himself a lucky boy which offends Grandy, so he sneaks up from behind and brings out the spray bottle of catnip and sprays Oscarina's neck with it. It took Randy Pincherson eight minutes to finally CHEAT TO WIN~! Of course Oscarina is no Grandma; so I guess it's all right to do cheating stuff like this. Let's just say Oscar sneezes while the cat cuddles Oscar, the other cats blitz Oscarina into a catfish tomb and Randy wins to set up the Randy/Milo final that we predicted five minutes ago.
So Randy cheers with glee as Milo floats in and throws away all the catfish (hopefully; they all landed on Bea) as Oscarina is roughed up big time. MILO-VIA hugs Oscarina as we get the pathos scene that is way too laughable to be taken seriously; but I like this scene anyway because Milo's overacting is downright comedy diamond. The guise of this is that Oscarina cannot even speak because he has a concussion and Milo takes it as to beat Randy and avenge the old ladies of the world for Randy's indisrections. Milo also proclaims that he thinks Oscar is telling him to eat the last cupcake in the fridge and Oscarina finally stops selling and protests this because that is his cupcake. HAHA! Milo drops him and invokes the pointy finger of death. Ooooooo; IT IS ON BABEE! Seriously it is. Randy turns around surprised as we do the pan closeup of Milo proclaiming that he went way too far because he killed Oscar; which Oscar has to point out that he's not dead. HAHA! See; that works because we already KNOW Oscar is not dead; so the "I'm fine" promo works here. Martial arts zoom in ensues as Randy blows him off because wearing a pony brooch with purple trim and pearl. Oooooo; those are FIGHTING WORDS RANDY "I WISH I WAS KENNY POWERS" PINCHERSON~! You are going to pay. Milo blows him off for being a hateful crab. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments.
So we cut to a sky shot of the stadium and then to Bea at the finish line as we are in the finals with the last event which is basically a 100 meter dash/road drag racing using scooters. Could be worse I guess. So they exchange twists of the handle and they blow each other off which leads to a jinx and a Kenny Powers promo from Randy which makes no sense. So random this not funny humor is as Bea waves the checkered flag (instead of the solid green flag as it is supposed to be at the start. Idiots!) and we are off! For the slowest scooter race in history. Even Ron's scooter is ten times faster than these two scooters combined. Yip! Yip! The old folks sell it like they are being crazy. Yup. So Randy takes the lead and then cuts him off to allow the scooter to spit gravel in MILO-VIA's face. He just never learns doesn't he? And I'm not talking about Milo here. Randy gets back to his position as he should have been DQ'ed right there but no dice. Milo catches up to him which Randy has a red button for exactly that. Seriously; it's even labeled the same way. Randy pushes the button and out come the wheel cover spikes. CHEAT TO WIN! So Randy bumps into Milo's scooter and pops the back wheel causing Milo to loose control. So Milo jumps on Randy Pincherson's back. HA! Milo and Randy exchange insults as Milo is doing this for the old ladies and his dead brother. Oscar blows off Milo for fun as Milo and Randy rip off each other's disguises and their covers are blown as a turtle fish old guy realizes that they are two teenagers in disguise. And he has something on him. Oh swell; they really are going for the Triple DQ finish!
Bea doesn't seem to care anyway as she doing lame play-by-play and then out of the sky and into the fish tank comes Granny Winslow according to Bea. Oh forget it! It doesn't matter who her name is; she drops her wheelchair on the ground, crosses the line and is declared the winner. HAHA! Who cares if it doesn't make sense since she was DQ'ed earlier. We know we were going for the Triple DQ finish anyway. Besides; she is an old lady and she won the damn race; thus Milo's plan succeeds anyway. Bea interviews the winner of the entire Grandma Games and Granny slaps the microphone away and blows her off for making too much noise. HAHA! Milo mocks Randy for fun. See; Milo didn't have to win the race; as long as Randy Pincherson lost! That makes for a great finish because even if Milo loses; as long as Randy loses Milo still succeeds in putting Randy in his place. Which is in a nice, hot, stew pot. PINCH! OUCH! Ummmm...Okay; we scene change to the Slow Water Retirement Home (Which we saw in Queen Bea) as we head inside with Oscar, Milo and Granny as they are playing bingo together. Milo praises Granny for winning; but he is going to enter next year to give her a run for his money as he does some shadow punching. Well; he would probably have to because we pan east to see Randy Pincherson in the Grandma disguise again cheating at Bingo. That's low on the dignity scale there as Bea floats in; rips the disguise off and blows him off. HAHA! Randy does his lame promo and scoots off stage right to end the episode at 10:40 approx. The best episode of the five shorts that I have done. It was really fun and the finish was dead on perfect even in spite of it breaking logic. Randy's best performance too; mostly because he was the most vile heel in Freshwater and played it to the hilt before cheating to win like a cheap heel at the end. **** 1/2 (90%).
THE REVIEW LINE
This Koi Story was better than the Quack Pack version of it; but not by much compared to the two Water Way To Go episodes (Darkwing Duck/Gummi Bears). While Koi Fish certainly played the part very well and her acting while grunting was great; I still cannot help how better the episode is if Fimberly was the one who was the badass. The reason I say that is because Koi Fish is a big strong fish; thus it's too easy to think of her as being the kind of person who can kill the crap out of you. This is the same type of thinking that the WWE uses everytime for a main eventer (tall, musuclar and having a full head of hair). There are exceptions to this of course (Steve Austin being the most obvious; along with Shawn Michaels); but the point is that in most cases it's perfectly true that the big guy kicks the little guy's ass. However; this is a cartoon and we don't have to adhere to reality; so using Koi Fish here is sort of a cop out by the writers. Booking Fimberly is much more apporos because we can mock her since there is no way in reality that she could kick anyone's ass except her own and she's the bump machine; so she's perfect for the awesome finish of jumping Wilford. I also find it sad that Fimberly is a prop now because as I mentioned before: We have three unresolved plot threads with Fimberly; and all three are good ideas. So why do the writers continue to act like Fimberly is a nothing character who is just there to sell bumps? Overall; I love this episode; but I still wonder how good it could have been if the bump machine was given actual character development.
Super Extreme Grandma Games To The Max was awesome. There is not much to say about this that hasn't been already said. Now I wish that they didn't start doing awesome stuff and then everyone who was old kicked it into stereotype gear and slowed down to a crawl because it was wonky and it was sort of insulting. Milo was awesome although he should still be called MILO-VIA for obvious reasons. It's too funny not to use here. Randy for once was awesome because he finally allowed me to boo him out of the building without looking like an idiot who stalks Bea. Bea was Bea and most of this was great (if a bit stereotypical) with a finish that was the right one and allowed Milo to lose without making him look like a total cheater; while getting Randy to lose as he should. Overall; the best episode of the five shorts I ranted on. So; I'll rant on Get A Yob tomorrow; and I'll have the last rant up and ready since my new computer is back, HUZZAH~! So......
Thumbs up for both shorts and I'll see you all next time.