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Fish Hooks
Assignment Babies/Freshwater Five-O Rant
Reviewed: 12/26/2013
Assignment: DO NOT SUCK LIKE A LAME DUCK!
So next up on the "Lame Chicken" edition of Fish Hooks; we have Bea and Oscar practicing their child rearing skills for Mr. Baldwin; which is the classic "child rearing" skill angle we often see in modern cartoons today. Then from there we have Milo and Jocktopus pretending to be good and bad cops. That later one actually sounds fun. So; let's rant on shall we...?
Assignment: Babies is written and storyboarded by Derek Evanick and Diana Lafyatis. The story is done by C.H. Greenblatt, Maxwell Atoms, Noah Z. Jones, Craig Lewis and Darrick Bachman. Freshwater Five-O is written and storyboarded by Ian Wusseluk. The story is done by Maxwell Atoms, Noah Z. Jones, William Reiss, CH Greenblatt, Craig Lewis and Darrick Bachman. All episodes are done with Toon Boom; thus correcting a serious mistake I made calling this series (and Kick Buttowski for that matter) done in Flash. My opinion is the exact same: Medium don't matter; talent does.
Assignment Babies: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Diapers. So we went from used to fresh. Lovely!) as we head inside to see Bud with the most disturbing smiley face ever combing the pink hair doo of the killer cat of death. That was distressing. So we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and inside Mr. Baldwin's classroom as Baldwin is at his desk and there are about 12 babies (I'm guessing Miss Lips is taking care of the other 88 or so. WASP that Mr. Baldwin!) with him on the desk and some of them are trying to escape; but Baldwin prevents them. So Baldwin proclaims that 30 minutes of sleep is not cutting it anymore (so the seanut butter coffee sleep downs don't count? FACKING BULLSHEET!) so their assignment for this week is to look after his children so he can get some sleep. Basically; the person sitting next to him will be partners and take care of a baby. Milo and Jocktopus are going to take care of one child which is hilarious considering the next rant. Bea and Oscar of course are partners for this one, DUH! Fimberly asks something to Mr. Baldwin; but Baldwin no answers and leaves. Geez; Fimberly is so like Meg Griffin now, Baldwin doesn't even want to speak to her. So Bea cuddles the baby which looks like a cross between a baby Squidward Tentacles (which makes sense since Miss Lips is a squid at least) and has the personality of a midget baby who commits crime as seen in Dirty Rotten Diapers in Rescue Rangers. Oscar points out correctly that being a parent takes a lot of responsibility which is absolutely true; but Oscar's brain yells at him to shut the hell up. Oh great; they just had to give the 10th doctor speaking brain more air time. Did I mention that David is in a show that should be beneath him in terms of quality? Anyhow; Oscar's brain wants Oscar to like taking care of the baby because Bea will see him differently and Bea will think Oscar is hot. Oscar nods and proclaims that it's weird that he can now SEE his own brain. Ooookkkkaaaayyyyy. So we pop and Oscar agrees to help Bea take care of the baby. So Oscar pokes the baby in the chest and it giggles back as Bea/Oscar is happy...in bed.
So we scene change as we are outside as Koi is partnered with Randy Pincherson. Koi is lifting cars; while the EVIL ONE himself is on his cellphone; probably trying to weasel his way out of this assignment. TEDDY RUXPIN SONG OF DOOM ensues as Fimberly is putting on a purple/white shirt on a baby while her partner Shellsea sleeps on the sofa and tosses herself. Jumbo Shrimp is partnered with Clamantha who is drinking from a baby bottle which JS removes. So Clamantha opens her mouth and produces the baby. Oooooooo... Then we see Albert and Escarmargot trying to get their baby to stop crying. So we head to Bea's kitchen as Bea and Oscar are to the sides of the baby in the high chair as Oscar spoons out of a can of apple sauce; and we do the choo choo train in the mouth spot which almost never works; which actually works! So I guess requesting premission actually makes the baby obey without question. So Oscar puts the apple sauce jar on the counter and we hear Oscar singing the most unusual "Rock-A-Bye Baby" lullaby this side of Hogzilla; and it actually works as the baby falls asleep and snores. Bea is amazed by this and so am I. Methinks that baby was paid off by Oscar. Apparently; this also put Bea's dad asleep on the sofa too as Bea grabs a mug of coffee and drains it; in which Bea gives to Oscar for being the World's Greatest Dad. Riiiiigggggghhhhhhttttttt Bea. Oscar thanks him and stammers; but somehow doesn't sweat through this. Bea grabs him and brings him up to her room; and informs Oscar that she'll be back with blankets. Oscar is shocked to hear that because Bea wants him to stay home for the night. Oscar stammers; but accepts anyway. Bea leaves and Oscar does a really dumb dance that did make me laugh. So we scene change to the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM AFTER HAPPY HOUR (Sign: Sleepovers) as we head to Bea's living room and see the baby in the crib asleep with a space hanger hanged on the side of the crib; while Oscar is lying on the sofa with blankets on. Bea tells them both to sleep tight and not let the fish bugs bite.
Bea is wearing yellow sleepwear tonight by the way as she turns the lights out and leaves. Oscar puts the "World's Best Dad" mug on the desk behind him and sezs good night to it. Oscar falls asleep and snores. Then he hears noises and wakes up. He heads to the kitchen asking for Bea; and then opens his eyes and notices the fridge is being raided by the baby who so badly wants a hero sandwich on a plate. Oooooookkkkkkaayyyyy; there is nothing abnormal about this at all. Not at all. Pay no attention to the "Dirty Rotten Diapers" angle in front of us. The baby turns around and yells at him that he was dreaming and to leave him alone. Oscar screams and down comes Bea who turns on the light switch. Bea asks what is wrong and Oscar claims that he heard the baby talk. Then we see the baby stop having the heel face and he cries despite the fact that there is a hero sandwich on a plate; clearly in front of the fridge. Now considering that Oscar is at the door when this happened; you would think that Bea would notice that the baby got into the fridge and was merely curious. However; I betcha she blows off Oscar for raiding the fridge and blaming the baby for it. I check the video... Damn; I'm good as Bea handles the baby and calms it down. I get that the baby could choke on the sandwich; but come on Bea. Show some smarts for a change; you're supposed to be booked much stronger than this so people don't think your company is sexist. Bea cuddles baby and tells Oscar that if he is unsure of stuff to grab her instead to take over. Bea leaves with the baby and the baby gives Oscar a raspberry on the way out. Oscar stammers like an idiot and we scene change to the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Good Mornings. Riiiiggggghhhttt...) as we cut to inside Oscar's place as Milo is on a chair reading a story to the baby who is sitting on Jocktopus' lap. Isn't it amazing that Jocktopus is a much different character when a baby is around? And I just realize that Milo's book is called "Hot Dog Goes To The Zoo". That made me laugh.
So Oscar enters in and Jocktopus blows him off because it's storytime. So Oscar is forced to sit down beside him as Milo relates the story of the hot dog asking the zebra for his mommy and the zebra blows it off. You know; if Al Khan thinks kids don't read; then why not have books just contain "blahs" in them instead of words. At least then it makes sense and it makes for a good commentary on copyright law too. Oscar tries to ask a quick question; but Jocktopus threatens to murder him which causes Milo to step in and break this time. Milo tells Jocktopus to go with the baby to the playroom as they are playing with building blocks. Oscar asks Milo if anything weird has happened like his baby is eating sandwiches or talking. Jocktopus blows him off for not knowing anything, and the baby cries out loud. Jocktopus blames Oscar for this and threatens to kill him (of course; because it's never Jocktopus' fault for scaring the baby with his yelling); forcing Milo to plea to him to calm down. He tells Jock to use the....I cannot believe I'm typing this...Tickle Me Carl. So Jocktopus opens his hat to reveal the most weirdest feather duster I have ever seen. It looks like a Dandilion with a stem and a green seed with a face painted on it. Yeah. He tickles the baby in the ribs with it and the baby laughs on cue. Molly selling of this in Plunder and Lightning Act II was better than this. Milo basically points out that it's food in, poop out; and all about the circle of life complete with heavenly music. That's 85% accurate at least; there is no heavenly music coming out on that promo sadly. So Oscar admits that he has a point and Jocktopus blows him off and uses the Tickle-Me-Carl doll to tickle Oscar right out of the house; and Oscar does a much better job selling than the baby. Oscar proclaims that the thing really tickles as we scene change back to the living room as Bea is on the couch with her purple laptop pasted with stickers. Oscar comes in with a cone of flowers and a teddy bear. He apologizes to Bea for what happened last night and the flowers are for Bea; and the bear is for the baby. Bea is so happy to see that Oscar has seen the light. Methinks this was the idea of Oscar's brain as usual.
Bea takes the flowers and proclaims that they need water; so she just throws them into the air. HAHA! Nice to see someone finally realizing the illogic in these fish tank scenes. Bea informs him that the baby is in her room and he can go in there as long as he is quiet. So Oscar takes the bear and floats off to the room proclaiming that he's back in business. Then we hear the same voice that did the shopping mall guard on the segueway in Kick Buttowski as Oscar looks on and sees the baby is on a cellphone proclaiming that he is fooling everyone and that they don't suspect that he is robbing them. Yeap; this IS Dirty Rotten Diapers. I put 2:1 odds that the EVIL ONE is behind this because we did see Randy Pincherson on his cellphone during the big music number earlier in the episode. So the baby starts stealing trinkets and light bulbs; which I put 10:1 odds that it's Megavolt. He is stuffing them in his diaper and he writes down something for Glenn; thus proving me wrong. Dammit guys! You had the most obvious setup here; and you didn't go for it?! Oscar opens the door and calls him out on it; so the baby jumps into the crib; and damn it to hell if I'm not right in saying that he cries; Bea comes in; Oscar stammers like an idiot and Bea really blows him off for his paranoia. Nice one Bea; for proving Babyface Bryant right about you. I should note that Bryant cannot do baby talk to save his life and even Oscar notices it. Oscar and Bryant exchanged insults as Bryant blurts out the plan and then we have probably the dumbest baby/adult fight ever constructed. Which makes it so amazing considering that this is the same company that edited out implied violence from Gadget's mouth in 1989. And damn; I'm so good about everything as Bea grabs Oscar's afro and throws him literally out of the house which is a neat spot. She basically yells at him to go away and she'll finish the assignment on her own; and Bryant has the coffee mug and throws it right at Oscar's feet; which it shatters. Bea goes in the house with Bryant and Oscar does the goofiest mad face I have ever seen. Never accuse this show of not having characters emote properly; that much I am certain of.
So we scene change to a theme park as all the babies are on the choo choo train with a conductor in train gear doing his usual "All aboard" promo before leaving the station as all the male watch on with smiles on their faces. The babies are enjoying this as we pan over to all the girls minus Bea (Shellsea, Fimberly, Escarmargot, Clamantha and Koi) gossiping about Bea and Oscar's big spat of death. Fimberly claims that he was so mad that he flipped over a chair and told her that she's hot. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh Fimberly! Can't you see that the only reason you exist on this show is for the writers to make you look like the dumbest and accident prone female on DTVA today? So Bea comes in with Bryant as Fimberly calls her brave for raising a baby on her own as Bea is shocked that Oscar would act this way. Shellsea assures her that they are there for her as Oscar arrives out of nowhere calling for Bea. So Shellsea runs in and blocks Oscar around. So instead of Oscar just bribing Shellsea and getting past her; Oscar punches her in the kisser on screen and she goes down. Shellsea...Wait a second? OSCAR PUNCHED SHELLSEA IN THE FACE?! WHAT THE HECK?! (As Shellsea sezs on cue) Nightflight; you got some serious explaining to do here! So Oscar steals Bryant from Bea and runs off; but is cut off by all the boys who demand Oscar give Bea the baby back. Bryant tells Oscar to give up because he'll just cry; so Oscar yells at him that he'll laugh instead. So he takes out the Tickle-Me-Carl device out of his afro (how he got it I still don't know) and he plops Bryant on the ground and tickles him for a good minute or so as everyone is shocked and appalled in that order. Bryant finally stops selling like a baby and blows off Oscar right within earshot of the kids who are even more shocked, appalled; and now horrified because Bea changed a midget basically. I should be offended by this; but Dirty Rotten Diapers has that effect on me. Besides; I was more offended that Oscar punched Shellsea in the face. You don't punch someone with a disco jackhammer.
So Oscar explains that Bryant is a con man who is in league with someone named Glenn. If you cannot tell who he really is; you have no business reading this rant as Bryant runs off and goes to the Sweetie Express train and shoves the conductor out of the train. He starts riding it with the babies on board which horrifies the kids even more. Oscar then runs in and jumps on the train; and goes through the cars; making sure all the babies stay seated for their own safety. Bryant then pops a soothe out of one baby and it fires like a bullet; which misses Oscar by about a foot. Oscar jumps and tackles Bryant down; and then he spanks him on his ass. Gadget must be pissed right now by how much they let OSCAR get away in terms of baby violence. Bryant bites Oscar in kind and then out comes the rattle. That better be the Rifle Rattle from Shaman King; or I'm going to be so disappointed...Oh wait; what am I thinking here?! So Milo throws the rattle of his own and it bonks right off Oscar's head. HAHA! Oscar blows him off for it. BOO HISS! Bryant tackles Oscar down; but Oscar is within five feet of the brake switch; which Oscar pulls down (JESUS~!) and Bryant going flying; and the babies somehow stay put in the train and not sell the fact that the train suddenly stopped. Dumb logic break there guys! So Bryant flies and lands in a baby carriage; which the barrier goes down and traps Bryant; despite the fact that they are in water and Bryant could simply just swim out with ease. That was a dumb spot.
Bryant cries like a baby as we scene change to outside the parking lot as the officer from Run Oscar, Run has Bryant in handcuffs doing the standard "we have trying to catch him for years and he'll be pooping in the County Jail" promo as everyone cuddles the babies and cheers. So we head back to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as Mr. Baldwin arrives asking if they have a new found respect for babies in general. I would say without hyperbole that the answer is a yes. So Baldwin takes the babies and puts them back in the carriage as Jocktopus is sobbing like someone after CPS took their kid away because of child abuse. Baldwin goes over to Bea and Oscar and Bea informs them that this baby was a midget criminal; and Baldwin calls it fair enough and rides away. At least this makes sense as Oscar and Bea apologize to each other. Bea gives Oscar the repaired "World's Greatest Dad" mug and Oscar does the goofy dance against a jackhammer background to end the episode at 10:30 approx. WHAT? We'll never know who Glenn is? Never mind; it's not like we don't know it's the EVIL ONE himself. Fun episode; but BS&P should be talking to the writers after this episode, like they did with Zeus Mussels calling Milo a...Oh wait; his accent only made it sound like it; and he really said fish. Either way; punching Shellsea in the face is NOT going to be ignored. I swear to GOD it won't. A few logic breaks at the end didn't help this either. *** 3/4 (75%).
Freshwater Five-O: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM (Sign: Stolen Dog Collars) as Bud is petting a dog in which the dog proceeds to put handcuffs on Bud's wrists. HAHA! Yeah; that's a nice payoff to the sign indeed. About time they did that too. So we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH and head to the theater as the redneck pink fish cop from Run Oscar, Run is doing a speech on crime and police enforcement. In short; crime is BAD! I cannot argue with that overwhelming logic there sir. He finally addresses himself as Dan Tuna and he's a cop who likes wheat stalks; or something along those lines. He asks for questions and Milo raises his arm with glee. I should note that Dan's glasses are just plain goofy. No one is going to take him seriously with them on. Milo calls himself an impressionable youth and states that he should be a cop instead of a goon; and Dan states that being a cop is like being a super hero without super hero powers. That is sadly true as Dan arrests Mr. Baldwin and takes him off stage as Mr. Baldwin begs for mercy. Okay; I shouldn't laugh at that; but I did, so shoot me. BANG! Hey Dan; that was a figure of speech! Oooookkkkkaaayyyyy; now you're starting to act like one of those "F*** the police" guys. Not exactly the best image you want to have sir. Anyhow; the kids are enjoying this except for the one in the front row who was enjoying a hero sandwich which gets stolen and eaten by Dan. Kids are oooing over this one including showing off his doughnut burning rubber right on the stage with the police car. Now THAT is funny as everyone is impressed. Sgt. Dan proclaims that he isn't here to perform his fantasies and has to by law (and it would be a riot if we knew HOW this law came into effect too) take two children for a police cruiser ride. Milo is already on stage behind him with his arm hand sounding as giddy as gid can be. Dan decides to accept him and then calls for me as Jocktopus is miserable and doesn't raise his hand; until Dan tells us that the two will not be at school for the remainder of the day.
Which causes Jock to assault two fish from both sides and waddle on stage; and then scream Milo and Dan's head off that he wants to join. Yawn. I should officially note that apparently; the Piranaha/Jocktopus relationship seems to be officially dead and done now with this angle (Friend Hooks notwithstanding). Milo and Jock cheer with glee as we then get a parody promo of Hawaii Five-O with Jock dressing like a Hollyfish star while Milo looks like he's dressing for bingo; only with goofy duds on. Jocktopus is known as Jacque D. Puss while Milo is referred to as something something that the Disney Channel idiots completely obscure for some show no one is going to watch. Geez; and people wonder why everyone thinks cartoons are dead...or something? So I'm not calling this crap as we see Jacque and Richardo (I think) doing doughnuts with the police car; and then their fantasy dies as we return to reality (no, not really) as they are at the back of the car enjoying themselves. So Dan yells at them to knock it off because he's getting too old for this crap; and then proclaims that they are junior deputies for today as he gives them police badges and their first assignment. Yes folks; this ride is 100% hands on the job stuff that no one in real life would be stupid enough to give. That's like giving Mike Adams his first job as the head of food science. Nothing good can come out of this; only at least in Fish Hooks, it will be making me laugh my ass off. Milo and Jocktopus are so giddy that Fanboy & Chum Chum would sue their asses off; if they knew what a lawsuit is and didn't have such contempt for knowing that; like most members of Mr. Hardcore. So their first assignment is to watch the squad car while he conducts important police business. Which ends up as Dan stops his squad car in front of a doughnut shop. Dan walks in and demands free doughnuts because he is a cop. I thought the new Disney would not stoop to Mighty Ducks levels of police stereotyping; but I am wrong as usual. So Milo and Jocktopus get out and cosplay gunning down someone while wearing their silver police badges; because they are dumb.
So Milo goes on and on about making Oscar do stuff which stopped being funny since it has already happened in other episodes. Milo has clearly forgotten the "Senor Broom/Tickle" incident from Dances With Wolf Fish; hasn't he? Jocktopus is crying because it's happy tears since he now has power to not go to school. Which is funny considering that Jocktopus is a legit bully and thus such already have the power. I guess beating up dorks like Albert Glass is NOT power to Jocktopus. Jocktopus pats the badge as Milo vandalizes the badge with Christmas lights and uses a pencil and masking tape to put his name on it; like Sabu did with the F The World title belt in ECW. And apparently; Milo has grown three hands now since he has three different hands pointing at said badge. Milo looks at Jocktopus's badge and looks cool with the shades as Jocktopus found two pairs of handcuffs in the back and they threaten to arrest each other. That made me laugh as this is happening; this fish in a goofy suit and tie opens the door to the police car; closes it and drives away. Wow; I'm shocked that it took this long for it to happen. So Dan comes out with a box of doughnuts and then he demands answers to this outrage as Jocktopus and Milo have successfully handcuffed each other. HAHA! He tells them that the cuff keys are in the car; which Milo claims Jocktopus ate them; but the car is gone and Dan is pissed. Then we get the logic break as they are free of the handcuffs somehow on the next shot as Milo and Jocktopus had no idea because they forgot what the damn assignment was and Dan just sobs like a baby; asking what the hell he is going to do. Ummm; stop being a toxic manly man and actually police by the Fish Book? AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Apparently; Dan is nothing without his police car and he'll be the laughing stock of the entire police force as the entire police force; including a police boat that looks like a cruise ship all go in and laugh at him in stereo. That was funny and the police boat thing actually made more sense than when they did this crap in Quack Pack!
So Dan is now angry and he rips off the badges from Milo and Jocktopus and blows them off before sobbing all the way to the doughnut shop where he will drown his sorrows with Officer Bearclaw and someone else who are both doughnuts and apple fritters in that order. He then cries some more doing a radio promo before slamming the door inside. Wow; I know that Dan was let down big time; but man; what a drama queen. I don't know what Milo and Jocktopus were looking at each other for; but it cannot be good. So we scene change to the Hokey Poke as Milo and Jock are sulking at a table; and Jock is shaking Milo because he has to go back to school now. Milo claims that he has shooken a Krackpotkin plan out of him as since they got in trouble for losing his car; they'll simply get his car back to get into his good graces again. Ooookkkkaaayyyy; this cannot end well for anyone involved. And I do mean EVERYONE! Jocktopus likes the idea because there is no more school. I think Jocktopus has zero concept for nuance and it's going to bite him in the ass soon enough. So we head to the ROMAN ARENA OF DEATH as we discover that Headphone Joe is in the boy's bathroom unclogging a toilet with a plunger. Wow; I thought the writers had foresaken Headphone Joe in this series because this is the first time I have seen him in a major angle since Milo and Oscar tried to be better brothers early on in Season two! So Joe is singing a toilet song and he unclogs Milo who is in the toilet. Yeah; whatever. So we make small talk as Milo wants help in finding Dan Tuna's car. Joe claims that he knows little about police stuff; but he does know about cars. I discover that Jocktopus is relieving himself on the toilet in the next stall which grosses out the two. As if being in the toilet wasn't the trigger. I would be offended by this; but they have overdone it so much now, that it's old and stale and pointless. So Joe hands him a card because there is a car dealer who is into shady deals; and the address is on it too. Milo is giddy because it's one step closer to finding the car and getting their badges back.
So we scene change to the binocular shot of a car dealership with a bear mascot on top called "Otto Ripphoff Auto Emporium" with Emporium being in a radically different writing style to most of the rough lettering style of the sign for a touch of gentleness to this fraud. We pan over to see an orange fish with greasy black hair and a checkered suit. I swear to god this is the fish version of the Hayseeds R'US clerk from Bigger They Are, Louder They Oink in TaleSpin. He is talking to two senior citizens with walkers as Otto has opened the back seat of the red car. Jocktopus and Milo are hiding behind rocks noticing this dealer. Milo want to go undercover which would be a riot....except we discover that Bea is here. OH MY GOD NO~! WHY NOAH, WHY?! Okay; I'm done now. My reflex to hate Bea for ruining otherwise fun episodes can get the best of me. So there is a microphone attached to her and she's shoved away because Bea is the one working undercover; and they will listen via the tape recorder from Deadmans' Drop. So Bea dusts herself off and proclaims that in order to catch a criminal; she must be one as she spins around like an absolute fool and we scene change to the elderly couple walking away stage right as Otto is waving goodbye to them. Otto turns around and notices Bea wearing a trench coat and hat. Ah; she must think all stereotypical criminals dress up like 1980's cartoon henchmen. And look like Mr. Witherspoon from "Long Flight Home" when talking like a 1930's mobster. So Otto shows her a car worth $150. He loads it up and Bea accepts the deal. So Otto asks what she does for a living? Why is that important to buy a damn car Otto? Would you ask a male the same question? I betcha he would not. Bea claims that she's a gangster...who has watched too many scenes of babyface DTVA characters acting like gangsters. I'm sorry; but I would take Dale more seriously as a Fry clone gangster before I'll ever take Bea seriously as ANY gangster.
Naturally; Jocktopus and Milo think that she is a criminal; so they run in and squash her flatter than Alexander the Grape. Wow; what is with the girls getting burtalized by the men today? Did Disney hire Paul Hayman while I was away on vacation? Milo invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH at Bea as she is under arrest. On what charge? Bea blows them off because she was just acting. I charge her with assault and battery on the acting profession as Bea is pissed off at Milo and probably me. Milo puts the finger down (good move Milo; you can put out an eye with thing and it kills if the eye is the heart of someone.) claiming that it is good acting. You just said that to make Bea stop hating you and try to kill you. I know this because she stops being pissed off and thanks him for the praise. Otto is pissed off and...OH GOODY! Icepick is back! Icepick takes the fish and we get the off-screen kick of death as the fish go flying into the next fish tank which has some rock cabin in the middle. So we scene change as Jocktopus and Milo are near a barbed wire fence and Milo just goes on and on about never getting their badges; when suddenly, Jocktopus stops because Milo is standing right in front of Dan Tuna's police car and Jockto notices it. Yeah; Milo is dense, let's just accept it. Even more so; because when Milo finally realizes that he found the police car; we zoom out to notice that it's a parking lot of them. Milo deduces that there is a car ring thief on the loose as the SWANK RED SUIT FISH THIEF OF DEATH arrives with his keys. Then we see on the closeup of the keys there is something written on the key flap which is attached to the keychain and here is probably the best slogan I have ever heard in a Disney Television Animation show. The slogan on the key chain flap reads: "Real Man Love Gays". I..died...Millions of 700 Club members had fatal heart attacks when this slogan was shown on television. This is just great. The thief notices them right away as Milo wants to bust his ass and Jocktopus runs and chases the thief as we discover that we are at a seahorse jumping event.
So the car thief was jumping across purple flower beds as Jocktopus follows him; all while Milo slides off the hood of Dan's car for fun. So Jocktopus jumps and crosses the finish line and wins the horse race and the wreath on him. Geez; does anyone realize how old and stale that spot was? Milo blows him off as the car thief runs off and we get the split screen of death as Milo has the best way to catch him as he tells Jocktopus to break the split screen and simply catch him. And wouldn't you know it; Jocktopus breaks through the split screen and grabs the car thief and drops him to the ground. Okay; I laughed at that, but it wasn't as funny as Milo and Jocktopus' Miranda rights promo and slapping skin WITH MUSTARD promos. I'll leave those as an exercise to the viewer. It's better if you watch the show and see why it's so damn funny. Anyhow; the car thief gets up and worries about getting beat up; but Milo claims that they are police officers and he is under arrest for stealing cars. So then we discover that the car thief is really a valet who parks cars for the doughnut shop Dan Tuna goes too. Yeah; a doughnut shop that has a parking valet. None of this makes any sense! This is a stupid finish; but I did laugh at this because it was stupid funny; instead of just being stupid. So Dan comes out and proclaims that he heard everything and feels embarrassed that he was fooled by the fact that the thief was a parking valet parking his car; and he puts the badges back on them. Dana offers to celebrate like police officers and I was hoping that it meant that they arrest and beat up the parking valet. But apparently, this would be iCarly level of immorality (sad; because beating up the parking valet would have paid off the finish), so they just go in and have free doughnuts to end the episode at 10:30 approx. Really fun episode with a dumb finish and ending. And could someone please tell Bea to get up to at least 2000 heel booking? *** 3/4 (75%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Okay; I'll be brief here because both shorts were fun to watch and I enjoyed them for the most part. I was disappointed in Assignment Babies that we never found out who Glenn is (the guy Bryant was talking about in the episode) and I was hoping that we find out that it was Randy Pincherson playing cellphone tag with him. Sadly; that wasn't paid off. There were a few logic breaks; but most of the stuff was funny. However; I was really cringing at the level of violence displayed against women in both shorts. I mean; Oscar punched Shellsea in the face on-screen in Assignment: Babies, and in Freshwater Five-O; Bea got her ass kicked by Milo and Jocktopus when she was playing a 1980's heel henchmen. I also thought the finish to F5O was dumb; but it was funny dumb. Sadly; they did the stereotype doughnut crap instead of having the finish being police brutality which is dumb in the sense because Bea already got brutalized by two would be officers earlier in the episode! However; F5O should be viewed just for the "Real Men Love Gays" slogan on the parking valet's keys; that was laugh out loud funny to me. So yeah; two good shorts. I'm not saying that they are the best episodes even in Fish Hooks; but they were fun on a snowy Boxing Day. So next up is Milo's Pony and Hare & Back Again as more dorkish fun comes. All I can say is this: If I discover that Milo doesn't name the pony Lady Majestic (as per in Doggonit) then the writers deserve to be punched in the face. Episodic or not; Lady Majestic is a kick ass name like Milovia and they will be damned if they screw this one up. So......
Thumbs in the middle pointing up for both shorts and I'll see you all next time!