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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil
Dead Man's Drop/Stumped Rant
Reviewed: 04/02/2010
When Sadism Comes Knocking; I Usually Answer!
Welcome kiddies to my special attraction known as Easter Sadism Month. This is where I rant on a show that is considered by the hardcore as equal to the Agony Booth. It's the show that Maxie Zeus on Toonzone called Lame Ass. So lame that he didn't even know the names because they were so forgettable that making up sarcastic names would have yielded better results. Welcome to the Sadism Jungle of Doom Clarence “Kick” Buttowski; you are the Suburban Daredevil. And now I'm almost ready to bring the Cloudkicker zombie back from the dead, Manos style in order to exact revenge on this Super Dave Osborne wannabe. ….
…...Almost.
Kick Buttowski is an animated series currently running on Disney XD (it should be running around ten episodes as I am typing this) and it features Clarence Buttowski with dreams of becoming the next Evil Knievel. Strangely enough; this show is based on a corruption version of “Kaptain” Robbie Knievel or Francis Little back in late 2009. The production is created by Sandro Corsaro who was creative director of Disney Online (Bad sign #1: That is his ONLY credit on USIMDB.com). In fact; his childhood in Stoneham, Massachusetts plays into the entire show which gives me great dread I might add. The show was picked up on December 19th, 2008 and originally called Kid Knievel; which apparently either caught the attention of Evil Knievel's estate or Disney tried to get the rights from Evil's estate but were declined and so it was changed to Kick Buttowski. Sad; since Kid Knievel would have drawn more viewers and maybe more older viewers who have some ickling to whom Evil Knievel is. The show debuted a few months ago and the pilot did almost 900,000 viewers and the second episode did almost one million viewers which is pretty impressive by Disney XD standards. Problem is; that is still 1/5 of what TaleSpin did in 1990. I find it quite shameful that Disney is whoring this out which shows that in the television animation division; they are a lot more content with what they have unlike feature which had a very good film that sold as well as I could have expected (Evergreening shouldn't be limited to just video games by the way) and there is at least making strides to get back (similar to their live action division which is pretty much sown up; in spite of the critics unadultered hatred for Hannah Montana (which is pretty much dead and done now that Miley Cyrus is leaving the show for good) and such.). If you cannot get more than a million kids to watch your cartoon at the start; you might as well pack it in.
I have seen Maxie Zeus' review on it where he completely destroys the show and the scariest part is that he might have been generous if only because he made it through four shorts in one sitting. I tried to watch this show cold (it was the short Stumped that I watched; and look here; it's the second short to rant on in this review.) and gave up within the first minute. I don't know why; but that's the shortest amount of time that I have watched the show and be repulsed by it. It took three full 22 minutes episodes of Quack Pack before I gave up on that show I should note. So; I'm going for attempt #2 on it and I hope I last long enough to do this gig. So we begin with Stumped and Dead Man's Drop which is the pilot episode originally written by Devin Bunje and Nick Stanton which was supposed to be a 22 minute episode before they left to work on another Disney XD show: Zeke & Luther. So then the episode was split up into two shorts and rewritten. This is NOT a good sign right off the bat. So let's rant on shall we....?!
Dead Man's Drop is written by Chris Savino (who also directed the episode by the way! Talk about cutting corners) & Nate Knetchel. Stumped is written by Chris Savino & David Shayne. Chris started in 1994 with Rocko's Modern Life and The Ren & Stimpy Show as animation director. He went on with Dexter's Laboratory as a writer and has done writing and directing on Whoop Ass Girls...ERRR...I mean Kick Ass Girls...ERRR...I mean Lame Ass....SLAP! OUCH! Ummm..I mean Powerpuff Girls, Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, Ni Hao-Kai-lan, Samurai Jack, Escape From Cluster Prime, Flintstones On The Rocks, What A Cartoon Show and even produced for Johnny Test. He has also done work on Hey Arnold, Grim & Evil and My Gym Partner Is A Monkey. I have nothing else on Nate Knetchel (that's two debuts in the animation world already!). David Shayne started as a writer in 2004 with The Wrong Coast and then moved on to Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi, Edgar & Ellen, Phineas & Ferb (Finally; a DTVA writer debut) and Pink Panther & Pals. That's it.
Now if you are wondering about Nick Stanton and Devin Bunje's credits (the one who originally wrote this as a 22 minute episode): Nick Stanton's credits are all DTVA: Brandy & Mr. Whiskers, The Replacements, Phineas & Ferb and of course Zeke & Luther. Devin Bunje has the exact same writing credits with one major difference: He also has system administrator credits for Stan Winston Studios. That means he worked on: Eight Below, Fantastic Four, Because of Winn-Dixie, The Keeper: The Legend of Omar Khayyam, Garfield The Live Action Movie 2004, The Cat In The Hat Live Action 2003 and Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow. For some strange reason; I got to give the slight edge to the current writers over the original ones. As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.
Opening Moment #1: The opening is pretty blah as it's just Kick putting his gloves on; skateboarding doing wimpy stunts; causing just one person to lose his drink to splashing (and no wet T-shirt I might add) and going back to the garage turning his back on everyone where giving the devil sign. And I'm supposed to like him how? If he's supposed to be a daredevil; then why do something anyone can do? The first highspot of the entire sequence is Gunther being a rabid dog and grabbing onto Kick's body; but that hardly endears me to either Kick or Gunther. Even worse; the song is a rock song that tries to be heavy metal but flops badly as it's nothing but singing Kick Buttowski over and over. Whomever did this sequence must seriously think that children (let alone customers) are nothing but retards. That's a scary thought to consider I might add. The second highspot is the bloody tire track they used behind the logo of the show. That is a fair warning for anyone who watches this show. Too bad it doesn't work on morons and sadists like me. Although the second one has a better chance of working since I gave up on the show once in less than a minute.
Opening Moment #2: The title cards are like a bad acid trip of Fairly Oddparents only in siloutte. Normally; this would not be a bad thing; but considering the artwork for this series, this looks to be an excue not to animate a sequence properly as opposed to being an artistic or entertaining statement. I do like the sunset though on a level of Kick's 15 minutes of fame in television; which is a bad sign when the show hasn't even started yet. And your P is dropping in the Dead Man's Drop title card. The storyboard is done by Carl Faruolo by the way who has done Chowder, The Life & Times of Juniper Lee, Camp Lazlo and My Gym Partner's A Monkey (this sounds like a recurring theme with the crew members). His DTVA debut was Yin! Yang! Yo! (TINY TOONS ON CRACK!) and has also been on The Replacements and Phineas & Ferb. I noticed another thing: No story editor. Not that this is an indication of bad quality or anything; but considering that the director is also a writer; it doesn't boost my confidence much.
Dead Man's Drop: We officially begin the series inside a dark room with Kick putting on his gloves, boots (he doesn't wear socks as he is barefoot when he puts them on; or his banana yellow boot double as such. EWWWW!) and then puts on his crash helmet and shines it with a cloth ending with him snapping his fingers. Wow; what a thrilling way to introduce the lead child character there guys. And this is supposed to be the new Disney's vision of Kit Cloudkicker? If it is; then I might have to sic the Cloudkicker Zombie on the crew of this show. I mean he's supposed to be a daredevil and yet he doesn't at least do a bad stunt from the start. And why not since this show is basically climax after climax or white noise at 11 as Maxie Zeus' claims? Kick slowly walks out of the garage and opens the garage door (I'll give the animator's credit for using mature lighting here) as an announcer introduces us to Kick Buttowski as we get a shot of the garage from the driveway angle while bad rock music plays. And you thought the Jonas Brothers were bad? Notice that Kick has his head down when he walks out? We are not 15 seconds into this episode and Kick looks ashamed to even be in this show. Kick then raises his head and does the double devil sign...and then the garage door drops down on his body. Wow; they actually let him do a bump that didn't require extreme padding. I thought Disney hated those kind of bumps.
Now; I know that this is a rib on Super Dave Osborne (which is apporos since Kick is basically a midget version of Super Dave, natch) but it is wimpy beyond belief. And we find out that the announcer is an 11 year old fat kid with a red baseball cap, blue shirt, blue/purple shorts, orange shoes, and blond hair with the NES Zapper color scheme MEGAPHONE OF JIMMY HARTS. He asks if Kick is okay (calling him Kicker which adds evidence to my theory that Kick is new Disney's answer to Kit Cloudkicker. I would be insulted if I cared and this show was BETTER than TaleSpin ever was.) and Kick states that it's only pain and he manages to lift the garage door without any effort whatsoever. Well; that kills whatever sympathy I had for both characters right off the bat. And damn it to hell; that voice does not fit Kick at all. I know that I made fun of Pip from Luminous Arc 2 on his middle age British accent; but at least Pip's voice was amusing. Kick sounds like a chain smoker eating graval. It also makes me question Kick's age: Is he a real child or a midget?
Clarence "Kick" Buttowski is voiced by Charlie Schlatter who actually started in some middling movies in 1988 with 18 Again (David Watson and Jack Watson); Bright Lights, Bright City (Michael) and Heartbreak Hotel (Johnny Wolfe). He then went on to voice acting on Captain Planet as Hoggish Greedly Jr and Fish Police as Tadpole. He also was the lead character in Ferris Bueller in 1990. He then went on to nothing of note (unless you like Police Academy as he was in the seventh movie) until 1995 when he was on Diagnosis Murder as Doctor Jeese Travis. Believe it or not, Katbot was his DTVA debut despite being canceled during production. Kim Possible would be his DTVA appearance with Chino later on. His most recent credit is the television movie Exit 19 (beside Kick of course). He is infamously known as Ace Bunny in Loonatics Unleashed and Cameron on the Bratz cartoons. So; I'm not excatly pleased that he has been casted in this role. And Kick does his Sunset Fame pose in victory before the garage doors screws him good. HAHA! The garage door is more over than both Kick and Guthner combined. Guthner gets caught as well for no real reason or logic for the first logic break of the episode. Guthner's voice isn't cast properly either; but at least it sounds somewhat remotely close to a child's voice. It sounds like someone trying Townsend Coleman's voice from TMNT and failing badly. Gunther Magnusson is voiced by Matt L. Jones who started in 2000 with MTV's Truth. He has had cameos on Gilmore Girls, Greek, Reno 911, Community and How I Met Your Mother. He is currently working on Uncle Nigel for TBS and is only known for his role as Badger in Breaking Bad. That's it. Needless to say that Kick Buttowski is his DTVA debut. He is 28 years old by the way despite voicing an 11 year old. I can understand someone with a lot of experience doing this voice; but Matt doesn't have any. Was Rob Paulsen too busy or something?
Then we hear a surprisely better voice as we do the anime teleport over to a black haired teenager wearing a gray/black shirt, green pants, green shoes and he has a stick as he whacks a beehive on a tree. He blows off Kick for being lame. That is the understatement of the decade there pal. This I believe is Bradley Devin "Brad" Buttowski who is Kick's evil teenage brother. If you think being evil is whacking a beehive. To me that's being REALLY STUPID. The flash animation is terrible here as you are clearly see the whacked out arm motion in normal time. Luckly the spot hits; so there is not much to complain. Brad is voiced by Danny Cooksey who started in 1983 as Terry Lee in The Dukes of Hazzard as an actor and Pound Puppies in 1986 as a voice actor. He is best known for being Sam McKinney in Different Strokes, P.J. Funnybunny (in the movies on ABC of the same name), Kevin Cavanaughs (in the show with the same family's name), the American version of Super Ted (of the same name), Bobby Nudnick in Salute Your Shorts, Montana Max in Tiny Toons, Tim in Terminator 2: Judgement Day among others. The Little Mermaid was his DTVA debut as Urchin (Well; it only took three voices to get someone from the early Eisner era at least), 101 Dalmations: The Series as Mooch, Pepper Ann as Milo Kamalani, Recess (The OAV: Growning Down), and was DAVE THE CLEANING BARBARIAN OF LAUGHS in his show. Just peachy. He was also Jake in Kim Possible, and Thaddeus in Phineas & Ferb. He also was in the Quake 4, Madworld and 24: The Game video games. DaZe: Volume Too – NonSeNse is his recent credit. And you thought randomized capitals in bad arguments was bad? Anyhow; Kick manages to get out since Gunther is about twice as big as Kick and most of it is litterally in his head. Considering the stereotype the writers are shooting for him; they should have made him into a hockey fan. You can called Gunther Big Head MacEricsson and appear on Royal Canadian Air Farce in case this show fails and make me laugh by having his head drop on the desk in the most absurd moments and say "damn head" as he lifts it up. That's a real bad sign for this show when I can come up with THAT one.
So Gunther blows off Brad and uses the megaphone to force the point while Kick dusts himself off. See; Kick is going to do this most awesome stunt in history. No; don't laugh, he's being serious here. Don't laugh; he is not making a funny here. Kick manages to lift Guthner up in a way that no normal human could ever do (unless he is Kit Cloudkicker of course) and gives him a thumbs up while Gunther bleches in the most weirdest fashion I have ever heard. Brad then comes over and steals the megaphone and announces to everyone within a two block radius that Kick is a stunt man and he wants them to see him being so lame that he breaks every little bone in his body. Wow; I'm supposed to think Brad is such a heel and yet he is making himself look like the default babyface here. Kick gives the up yours stare and walks away stage left like a jerk and Gunther nearly gets to his level by stealing the megaphone back and gives a stare that makes me want to see him die and then walks off with Kick. Kick walks into the big boys crowd as they all blow him off because he's going to jump an ant hill. Wow; this all makes Kick look like a stupid heel and he's supposed to be the number one babyface of the show. Gunther blows them off as he somehow teleports behind Kick and blows off the kids with his megaphone because Kick is going to conquer Dead Man's drop complete with triple zoom in and heavy metal clanging sound as we see a crappy CGI zoom in pan down of the mountain which looks like a 40 foot abyss. I am not impressed with this no matter how much it's whored up since Kit fell 10,000 feet with and without an airfoil about a dozen times in TaleSpin. And without a crash helmet, knee pads nor a full white bodysuit. This is no where near on Super Dave's level of danger either let alone Kinevels level. No wonder the show's name was changed. Even Bart Simpson faced bigger dangers in Daredevil Bart than this.
...And naturally the neighbourhood kids all sell it as if it's the most impossible thing on earth. Kit Cloudkicker would have this stunt done and home to watch Matlock in ten minutes easily. I'm not going to bother listing voices for the the kids because I have zero notes for them; although I'm sure one of them is April Winchell and she is another major character later on in this series. We also hear one of the kids (with big buck teeth) proclaim that Kick will end up like Deadman Dink and we teleport down to the bottom to see a skeleton rotting on the ground next to a red Skateboard with RIP craved onto the top of the skateboard (complete with the STOCK MUSIC OF DEATH natch). Like I'm buying that he's dead guys. It's a mere 40 foot drop for goodness sakes. Unless he died from getting spiked by one of the spikes; but that's unlikely since Disney would never allow THAT kind of death. We teleport up (ah; the limitations of flash animation at this point) to the cliff with Kick looking down and Guthner with the microphone. Kick wants his ultimate secret weapon...ERRR....I mean speed machine as Gunther gets giddy and runs off complete with Hanna Barbera running sound and looping effects. Gunther returns with Kick's grey skateboard with black wheels and literally smacks the skateboard in his fatty chops. Okay; that was funny as Brad blows him off near the conviently placed Dead Man's Drop sign with the kids behind him selling horror. Well; only the blond haired girl wearing pink and purple is selling it as the rest seems to figure out already that this stunt is lame.
Brad then shakes his ass right in her face which is believe it or not the first highspot of the series less than two minutes in. And then she stop selling and laughs with everyone. That might be the best sequence in the entire short by the way as Kick sounds like he's trying to blow off Guthner for the funny spot (because it's stealing his (non-existing) heat); but then praises him as a genius as Gunther proclaims that it's an ironing board made to look like a skateboard because a regular skateboard is so wimpy. I see Kick has the Gadget bug in him; too bad he is a complete disgrace to Gadget in every way. And then we force the poiint with the widescreen shutter spot as Kick is introduced again for dramatic effect. So the ironing board on wheel teleports to Kick's hands (Am I watching a Z-Grade movie here that was animated?) as he is about two feet in mid-air and the board spins around while Kick gets on. I would call this logic break #3 for the short; but that is too generous at this point. And it lands onto the side and he gets bounced into the air (!!!) as Brad is loving every moment of this and becomes over just by sheer force of will. Wow. I think Kick Buttowski has made history by being the first show to have a character heel being over by doing absolutely nothing at all. And Kick lands on his face with an ultra wussy bump (take a picture folks; I'm guessing that is the nastiest bump Kick is going to take in this entire series) onto the ground about seven feet away. Brad then calls him a dillweed and everyone laughs their asses off. Okay; that was a neat insult to call him; although it would have been been more fitting had there been dillweed growing on the spot where Kick landed on his face. It looks like normal grass to me.
Then Gunther runs in with the ironing board on wheel and stuffs about 30 gumballs into his mouth (seriously) and starts chewing them. He spits them out into a large wad of sticky gum and plasters it onto the top of the ironing board. I guess that is starch gum. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hey; it's a freakin ironing board. I have NOTHING...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING to work with here. He puts the ironing board down on the wheel and places Kick feet first on the top of the skateboard and the gum breaks logic by becoming two wads of gum on the zoom in shot of Kick's legs when he pushes his legs up. Reason #332 of why older people hate flash animation: Lack of a CONTINUITY MAN! We then cut to Gunther telling Kick that he got this one covered. Can you guess the problem with this solution; or do I have to spell it out for ya?! He then turns his back on Kick (literally; not a heel turn) and literally pulls a piece of paper straight out of his ass. Now that is so symbolic of this series isn't it? It's nice to know that the creators can laugh at themselves as much as laughing at US for watching their crap. It shows the key to victory: Grab the sign at the bottom and he's home free; but miss and his head is cut off (which BS&P tries to cover up with Gunther's dialog about pain. Nice way to insult the blind audience there BS&P!) more or less according to the sheet of paper. I would call it an ass paper; but I'm not wasting my Grade S material on this show. I need it for the TaleSpin re-rants next month. And there is a peppermint round candy stuck to the paper for no reason whatsoever as he rips it out and eats it. Normally; I would be grossed out by that; but considering what is to come in Stumped; this is pretty classy.
We then pan left to Kick saying "Let's do this" and wants Gunther to check everything. Wow; that was crappier than when Luican said it as one of his voice samples in Valkyrie Profile. And Luican was voiced by a 4Kids actor!! How bad do you have to be to be worse than a 4Kids voice talent?! Gunther has his camera and a tape recorder (!!!) as he places a CD in it. Okay guys; is there a rib that I'm not getting here? I mean; Guthner has a CD and yet I never seen a boom box that you place a CD in like a tape cassette player. None whatsoever. I'm calling that one logic break #6 for the short. Gunther plays some tunes and it's a pre-school CD which allows a little girl with a pink flag and pink helmet to dance in and Kick gets ribbed again. Man; the taunters are more over than Gunther and Kick combined and this is the PILOT episode!! Kick's pissed off face is the only real face that shows any emotion that I can note. Otherwise; he looks like he got his emoting skills from watching the Skydivers movie (Bonus points if you seen the review on the Agony Booth). Gunther unchecks it and pushes another button which skips over to the next song which is a rock song which is much worse. Damn; I was liking that music too as the little girl gets pissed off and leaves. I don't blame her; the rock songs make anything the Jonas Brothers play sound like the Beatles. That brings in a middle age man with a pink flag jumping up and down instead. Whatever guys.
We go to a zoom in shot of Kick's game face (ala Ruby Spears which shows how low DTVA has stooped now since DTVA originally was designed to get us AWAY from Ruby Spear's lack of decent animation.) and it looks fugly as it's showtime so he sezs. I'm having new respect for Alan Roberts now (as if you had any disrespect for him before hence there Mr. Weagle?). He only voiced two characters in his whole career (and Young Arnie was merely a cameo; so it's really only one character) and he is infinite times better than this loser. And Kick's pose with anime background sucks like crap by the way. Guthner has the camera set to profits as Brad steals the camera and taunts Kick some more. He's supposed to be a dead ringer to Vicki from Fairly Oddparents and yet I'm CHEERING FOR HIM. I have new respect for the creators of Fairly Oddparents now and owe them an apology. This is just peachy. He wants to show the world Kick's epic fail. Kick is already failing on an epic scale as it is Brad and he hasn't even started the stunt yet. Kick slaps the camera away (on the camera shot complete with red dot and REC) and Brad disappears completely. Note to animators: Even flash animators need a continuity coordinator.
So Kick drives down the hill in CGI formation as we go to the sky shot and Kick's riding pose as the mountain somehow grows about 3000 feet more since we last saw it. Still wimper than anything Kit Cloudkicker has ever done. He glides off a dead tree and into the sewer pipe (how apporos?!) and then drives down towards the sign as we cut to Gunther with the megaphone yelling at him to grab the sign with Brad taunting him some more. Kick grabs the pole of the sign; but since he didn't actually grab the sign, his hand slips; Kick swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (Ah biscuits! LAME!) and does some lame pinballing off the rocks (although the bumps are surpisely better. Wussy; but still) before flying into the air and does the Team Rocket exit. Yeah; let's dead ring Pokemon while we are at it too. We pan over to Guthner who takes off his red cap and thinks Kick is dead. If only Guthner; if only. Kick flies into the clouds and bounces onto some roofs with surprisely MAN-SIZED bumps. Wow; they actually made that spot entertaining with the AEIOU and Sometimes Y promo Kick did. That's the first good thing Kick has done in this episode which is a bad sign that he is going to be the bump machine. Although quite honestly; I expected that.
He continues to fly into the sky as we cut to a front lawn near a banana yellow house as a man with a black beard wearing all blue with white shoes trimming his marriage garden tree with roses. Okay; I know the man is married; but do you have to be so cocky to create something like that to force the point?! That's the kind of sign that tells me the marriage is on the rocks. And he is using golden scissors too. The Rose Guy (Note From The Future: It's Mr. Vickie and I didn't know that until I did the Obsession For Kick rant) proclaims that he has the best rose bushes in the cul-de-sac. He seems to be the ONLY one who has them; so I wouldn't call that a great victory on his part. And naturally the logic breaks as he seems to be teleported to behind the rose bushes as Kick goes right through them and drops with a wussy bump onto the ground. Sigh. And then we see Kick completely naked with frontal nudity no less with only the crash helmet on and rose petal conivently placed on his naughty parts. See; this is why Timmy Turner's groundbreaking spot of being nude in an entire episode was such a mistake. Because it encouraged stupidity and logic breaking such as this. And since I have seen Stumped already before this; I can guess this as a recurring theme for the series as well. The rose guy is face down (and still fully clothed natch) as Kick raises his fist and he's good. Super Dave would kick his naked ass if he saw this, seriously. Even the animated version as Guthner annoys me more by using the megaphone to ask Kick if he's all right. Memo to Guthner: Why not HELP the rose guy up? He seems to be...I don't know....DEAD for some reason. That would be more helpful than yelling at Kick and pointing out the obvious to us. The kids of course teleport in and laugh their asses off at Kick. Brad has the camera and it's epic failure in HD. He doesn't know the half of it either. Brad laughs some more as it echoes....
...and we cut to a doctor's room with three doctors (one African American I should point out) as the tallest doctor (and the one without the phillac symbol limp nose) has some tweezers (!!) as he starts plucky while talking and then we hear Kick yelp as he is on a footstool stomach down as Guthner is taking out rose thorns from his butt which makes no sense whatsoever since Kick landed on his ass and therefore there would be no thorns there. BS&P decision on that logic break; but understandable given where the thorns really are. Kick blows him off. Somehow; this is perversely funny for all the wrong reasons as Kick screams badly while Guthner blows him off for questioning his rose thorn removing skills. Which leads to the front door opening and in comes Brad with the camera laughing and taunting some more. He is the defacto best character on the show by default. He walks in and takes a shot of Kick's ass with the camera and calls this an internet classic. Which means that it's already dead and done in the water before he even uploads up. Brad walks upstairs calling Kick a dillweed as Kick gets upset and proclaims that Brad is on the revenge list as Gunther pulls out the revenge list (from his neck this time) and write down with the white feather (Guthner clearly has never seen a pencil or pen in his life which actually is a character trait later on) and writes Brad down on the list. Seemly; Brad is the only name on the list; just written down five times now. Okay; I'm shocked that Disney would allow this spot since revenge lists are often linked to school shootings in recent years for bullying. And Brad's bullying isn't even bullying, it's basically a message to tell Kick that Kick is a jerk with a stupid friend who enables him. It's difficult to have sympathy for a guy who is just asking to die for the sake of being something that he is not even close to being and never even close to being even on Bart Simpson's level of stupidity. I can see why Maxie Zeus want to beat his vainglorious face in. Even Azule from Valkyrie Profile was better than this; only because he could actually fight a good fight all the way to the end.
Guthner tells Kick not to worry and then basically tells him that he is going to become a psychotic killer more or less. How nice of him to tell him that he'll die a lonely man too. Kick has had it and tells Guthner to get everyone ready for eight o'clock at Dead Man's Drop because it's time to Kick Buttowski. And just to pump up the Fairly Oddparent's level of silliness; they show Kick Buttowski on the widescreen shot in blood letters on a black background. We go to the scene changer (which is pretty amusing at least) and we go through another pointless sequence of Kick putting on his clothes (complete with ass shot covered in band-aids, natch) at 7:45 am. Oh wait; my mistake, it's 7:45 pm as Kick goes out of his room (so he changes in two different places? That is so whack!) and walks down the stairs as we cut to a front door shot of Brad as he tells his dad that he will take good care of him see. And you won't believe what kind of parents Harold and Honey are later on too. Kick slides down the railing and does a backflip and lands on his feet complete with devil sign. How vainglorious can you get?! He waves goodbye as Kick tries to get out the front door and Brad stops him at the pass. See; he is being responsible so that he can take his driver's test and pass this time. Okay; that sounds reasonable to me although that makes him a babyface which is absurd since he's supposed to be a dead ringer to Vicki. Brad grabs him by the suit when Kick tries to leave (blowing him off for failing four times I might add. Still makes Brad more reasonable than Kick.) and throws him against the bottom of the stairs with a bump that doesn't exist. Brad closes the door and blows him off as he is going nowhere. Then we get the VS. Shot of Kick against Brad and I'm cheering for Brad in this one hands down.
...And Kick breaks the ice by blitzing Brad and twists his arm and we stoop to Fairly Oddparent levels of cheapness as we not only get an announcer yelling out to us every bump; but every bump has words on it. This makes Batman the Live Action Series look high class. See; twisting the arm is an Arm Burn. Umm; if you are burning an arm; you set the arm on fire which we know BS&P isn't going to allow. Kick jumps back instead of going to the door to try to open it to escape (which is the whole point of this scene) and Brad leaps forward and gives him the Dillweed Chop. See; I would have had sympathy for Kick if he would just go to the door and Brad does the move from behind like a heel should be doing. Instead; it turns Brad babyface. And Kick backflips badly in slow motion. He bounces onto the red couch and throws a green pillow. That was absolute weaksauce and shame on Brad for selling it as Kick manages to somehow jump on his back (and Brad does a really sick bump in the process which just makes Brad more of a sympathic babyface) and Kick does the Helm Splitter which I have to admit is pretty cool for someone literally giving himself a wedgie. Brad counter with the ultra lame Brad Claw which makes zero contact; but the power of suggestion allows Kick to have a bruised cheek and fly with a decent bump (a decent bump from Kick? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!) into the side of a bookcase. Figures that heavy reading is bad for new Disney kids. Kick then takes his glove finger and wets it and points while moving like a badly animated fighting game. This is the Wet Willie (how drole, NOT!) as Brad's finger crosses him and it's a stalemate. Kick then gets finger whacked down to the floor on his back (proving how dumb he really is) and Brad tries to go in for the kill; but the double Wet Willie stops that. Cheater! Kick is only making Brad into a bigger babyface even though he's supposed to be the Vicki heel.
Kick flips out (badly I might add) and Brad's finger get stuck in the carpet as Kick jumps in for the kill and punches and kicks him despite making no contact whatsoever (Jamalaya Jake's piston punches were a million times more believable than this vainglorious loser) thanks to BS&P. Or so I would think as Kick proclaims that he is won...and then we zoom out and Brad is sitting on him (on his side) with his ass near his face...and finally does the first real heel move of the short by farting in Kick's face which is called the tear jerker. Again; I would be insulted by this contempt for Disney's great history if I cared. That is of course enough for the KO clearly shown and announced just to force the point. And so we fade to black and then see the eye open as Kick sees Brad shutting the door to Kick's room (The picture of Billy Stump gives it away and he's in the next short) while taunting him some more and hammering wood and nails to block it. Brad then makes me chuckle a bit by proclaiming that he'll ace the test now....maybe. We go inside Kick's room (complete with cartoon green/blue lighting) as Kick proclaims that Brad is on the revenge list apparently for the second time in one day. We then cut to the neon green transmitter on the floor and it's Gunther proclaiming that he cannot keep the entertainment going much longer as we see him on the zoom out shot AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) using a hula hoop (banana yellow of course) to float in mid air with the four bullies that taunted Kick earlier on in the episode. Nice to see some continuity in this otherwise logic breaking short. Weird space noises ensue. Okay; that makes more sense then when it did when I first saw it.
We cut back to Kick with the green transmitter telling him that Brad has him boarded up in his room and instead of going out the window (which I discover there isn't one); he uses his head and bounces off the wooden door with a decent bump which would have been better if he didn't have the crash helmet on to protect himself. So he looks up and notices a white vent in the ceiling. So we teleport to Kick using the largest pile of junk he could find (funny since his clean is otherwise clean) and climbs into the vent with his blue skateboard. Now if he had used that in the first jump and used the ironing board in the second jump; that would have made him resourceful. Instead; this makes him look like a doofus. And of course the vent breaks on the floor (this house is clearly NOT UP TO CODE) and falls down what appears to be inside his bedroom; but he's clearly outside when Brad notices something is wrong and Kick hides behind a flower pot. Brad doesn't suspect a thing and goes back inside his bedroom which is lit and he bangs the television on top blaming Kick and calling him dillweed all the way. Apparently; the so-called Bikini Lumberjack channel has been banned by his parents. NO?! REALLY?! I find that rather hard to believe since they are usually out thinking their daughter is some sort of model on par with Madonna. Oh come on! You could see that one coming a mile away?
Kick of course talks on the transmitter while being four feet away from Brad basically which shows double the Drake Mallard dosage of stupidity. He needs someone to run interference which is stupid because I didn't see Brad lock the door and he seems too pre-occupied with the television set. Why not just SLEDGEHAMMER THE PLOT now don't we? Kick goes into the bathroom and seems an open window which should be enough for escape; so he chooses to strip the bath curtain as Brad hears a door bell and goes to answer the door. He hears girly noises. Brad opens the door and he sees Guthner in girl clothes that would make me vomit in my mouth. Man; Guthner I thought would be the best one and he's keeping pace with Kick in the opposite direction. Thankfully; Brad no sells the thing (which just ups his babyface level even more) as Kick creates a handglider (thus dead ringing Ducktales Treasure of the Golden Suns: Don't Give Up The Ship) and flies out and then the handglider pulls a Spongebob trick (ala Gary from when Spongebob tries to give Gary a bath) and Kick is screwed. I called that one thirty seconds before it happened I should note.
Brad hears that off-screen MAN-SIZED bump and slams the door right in Guthner's face creating a huge hole (again; this house is NOT UP TO CODE!) and then kicks the bedroom door down Mr. T style. He then notice a Kick dummy with a watermelon head studying. What is the point of that? It's not like Brad isn't going to notice he escaped and then he sees the mess and the open vent and gets the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS for his anger. He yells at Kick as Kick and Guthner run out of the house (Another logic break: Kick was at least thirty feet away from the house when he fell from the handgilder and this makes him look like he started running from three feet away.) and then teleport towards Dead Man's Drop. Guthner takes off his dress (EWWWWW!) and introduces Kick to the bullies as Kick breaks logic by having his ironing board skateboard. Kick tries to make it to the edge; but Brad cuts him off and grabs the ironing board skateboard and throws it down the cliff. Why? Because he wants to ace the driving test see...Maybe... And then Kick ups the stupidity level even more than it already is as he snaps his fingers and Guthner goes rabid and beats up the innocent sign. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! What was the point of that?
He rips the sign (Why not ummmm; rip Brad's head off instead? Damn you BS&P!) down and then sees the girl with the pink crash helmet blowing bubble gum; so he steals the gum right from her mouth (!!!). Guthner just surpassed Kick on the scale of unlikeness RIGHT THERE folks. Guthner sticks the bubble gum onto the sign and the girl bawls and damn it to hell if it isn't the best crying I have ever heard from a female. Make HER the main character; she's pretty over now. Guthner puts the sign down (while Kick does absolutely nothing but pose like the vainglorious bastard that he is) and places Kick on it. Kick gives a thumbs up as Guthner annoys me more by doing a gorrilla chant complete with showing his chompers. UGH! Kick then jumps up (without any wheels mind you) over Brad's head and down Deadman's Drop. Now I would have thought that we would get Kick suceeding here and Brad getting screwed; but somehow I doubt it as Brad steals the girls tricycle and crash helmet (I knew that would get involved somehow) and rides down. Brad has already lost; but I ADMIRE his guts to try to salvage something out of this suck. And the old man magically appears and bawls in hilariously bad fashion. I have never seen two main character babyfaces get absolutely buried by the heel in all my life. Even Don Karnage couldn't succeed in burying Baloo; not even Drake Mallard. Brad follows down Deadman's Drop and we have a stalemate race as Kick keeps dodging the BRAD CLAW OF LAMENESS They go into the jump and into the sewer pipe as Brad even sells the whole thing inside while Kick no-sells all. I think Brad is a better stuntman than Kick is because (a) he is using a girl's tricycle and (b) he's not even trying. So Kick focuses on the sign and grabs it with two hands and twists onto the right path to safety while Brad misses by a mile, pinballs with better bumps than when Kick did it and flies into the smelly cats in the moonlight.
We then cut back to Kick sliding down as he takes out his list (Huh? I thought Guthner carried that. Well; I gave up on logic breaks a long time ago which was about two minutes into this thing.) and crosses out the first Brad with his red color pencil. In other words; he has to do this to Brad five more times before his revenge is complete. He then slides in safe as the crowd cheers and I vomit in my mouth again as a cloud of dust kicks the screen as a symbol of the show being so in your face filled of crapiness. Vainglorious pose done and we finally cut to a far shot of the community street with the full moon shining as everything is in silouette. Then we go to the near shot as we see Kick and Guthner walking on the street (oh yeah; that makes them so much like rebels. NOT!) as the kids all praise him for making Brad look like a million dollars out there. Okay; maybe not, but I implied it. I mean; Kick only did a few stunts on his skateboard while Brad did all the work of chasing him and wiping out for my pleasure.
Kick does the devil pose and then we go inside the living room as someone is watching surgery for dummies again as Brad has the tweezers and a green mirror and then he sees the absolute last thing I wanted to see too: Kick on the couch with a camera saying cheese to him as the kids laugh at his expense. And now I need a revenge list for all the kids who betrayed Brad in this episode. Brad feels defeated as Kick calls this an internet classic. Considering that this short got less than 10,000 views on Youtube; color me unimpressed (Note from The Future: It's about ten times that now.) . Everyone continues to laugh as Kick remains the most vainglorious, smug little bastard that needs to be Stone Cold Stunned and Guthner swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (oh my gosh) claiming that Brad has no pants on. Now why is it okay for Kick to have frontal nudity and rear nudity 100%; but Brad to be covered from the waist down? BS&P is so whack. This spot officially ends the short at 10:19. Wow; that took forever to finish (complete with power outage I might add) and this was as crappy as Maxie Zeus' claimed it to be. When you are cheering on Brad 99.9% of the time to win in the PILOT episode; you know this show is going to suck. The scarist part is despite all the suckiness; this short is STILL better than the first episode of Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers on Disney Channel which was Piratesy Under the Seas. Be afraid Rescue Ranger; be very afraid. * (20%).
Opening Moment #3: The Stumped title card uses a tire track against a blood background. Man; what is it with the crimson red in a Disney cartoon? Mike Kunkel did storyboards here who used to be a decent animator for Tarzan, Hercules, Cats Don't Dance, The Pagemaster and Once Upon A Forest. He then went on to character designer for...wait for it...My Gym Partner's A Monkey, The Life & Times Of Juniper Lee, writer for My Life As A Teenage Robot, Dilbert, The Little Matchgirl, Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows, One By One, Home on The Range, The Zoo and Emperor. And the writer of this short also directed this short as well.
Stumped: So we begin this one with a shot at the Mellowbrook Mall. We know this because the name is on top of a roof in white letters. We also see below a poster featuring our first guest character of the series who is Billy Stumps. Dig that kooky wordplay. See Billy Stumps has a stump from his arm caused by one of his stunts going wrong. Why? I wish I knew and somehow; I doubt I will ever find out. We pan down to see Kick on his skateboard while Gunther is carrying a backpack that is carrying at least three times his normal body weight in stuff. Gunther is giddy because Billy Stumps is Kick's idol. He is going to meet him in six days and then we fade to black and see a tire track in blood with the words Monday imprinted on it. This would have been better if there was a funny narrator saying it like in Spongebob Squarepants. Otherwise; it sticks out like a sore thumb. We cut back to ground level as Kick stands around doing nothing while Gunther is pitching the blue tent. Man; that blue tent on cement works like a charm doesn't it?! And Kick is doing the Gruffi pose just to annoy me. I see flash animation can do that spot as well as in cel animation. Gunther salutes him and the tent plops down in a heap. So we REPEAT THE FADE replacing Monday with Tuesday. We return as Kick is still doing the Gruffi pose while the wind blows at 100 miles per hour lifting everything in sight. Great to see Kick was on the ball with cement shoes in that scene do you not think? Even a car gets thrown around as Gunther chases a tent. Whatever.
So we go to Wednesday and return as Kick is still doing the same thing while flood waters and rain pelt the area. Okay; this city is officially worse than Cape Suzette in terms of weird weather. Gunther (in rain gear) is rowing on a boat for the two of you who still care. Let's go to Thursday and finally we get Logic Break #1 for the episode as it snows about 10 feet with penguins and igloos. Gunther does all the work while Kick does...You guess it. He is making Baloo look like a 500% work rate god. So we go to Friday and I am praying for Brad to show up and kick Kick in the Assowski if you catch my drift here. We return and it's a desert which just makes the previous logic break look reasonable in comparison. Seriously; there is sand in FRONT OF A FREAKIN MALL~! Apparently; Gunther is dead as we see his red baseball cap (which I bet will break logic and he is alive safe and sound in the next scene) complete with hay ball. Kick does nothing of course. So we head to Saturday (or THE BIG DAY according to the jackhammer narration) as Gunther tries to wake him up; but Kick does nothing. Gunther's Nordic accent (did I mention that he is supposed to be a legit Viking?) makes him sound like he is saying Kit (which just increases the theory that Kick misunderstood why Kit Cloudkicker was such an awesome character in the first place). Kick finally does something which is to tip over and fall down on his back. He then gets slapped (or it appeared to be since we don't see Gunther's hand even make contact with Kick's face) and Kick wakes up as Gunther reads him the riot act. When he mentions Billy Stumps; Kick wakes up and goes into the blue tent (which magically reappears) and Kick throws out various international objects. Where have I seem this before? Oh yeah; The Wuzzles in 1985 with TMS animating. Kick finds his blue skateboard (I guess that's why it didn't appear in the finish which at least makes sense on one level) and walks stage right.
They go into the mall (which is somewhat empty which is strange for someone. That is not a good sign for Billy Stumps right there) as Kick uses his skateboard to ride around and break every rule there is concerning skateboards inside a mall as Guthner runs behind him. We go into the elevator with Kick as Kick gets off his skateboard and the elevator closes the door and goes up somehow without any prompting from Kick to push the button to go to the proper floor. And this scene is the old “Let's waste time and see if the kids laugh at it” spot which only people with an IQ less than a paint chip would chuckle at. The elevator opens and we head inside as there is trash everywhere and the workers are cleaning up and taking the signs down much to the disdain of Kick. His sorrow face is the second face he can emote with any sign of goodness whatsoever. Kick skates to the window and yells for Billy like he sounds like a bad adult as we head to a far shot of the street in front of the mall as the big blue Monster Truck and the crowd appears OUT OF NOWHERE (and will probably go the same place) magically. We know it's Billy Stumps' truck because it has Stumps on the side of the door as the monster truck speeds away and Kick yells for Billy again without any emotion whatsoever. Like I said earlier; who's the voice director who thought using a middle age man's voice would make Kick sound witty? Seriously; I WANT TO KNOW.....WHHHHYYYYYYYYY?! Okay; I'm done now.
He does the droopy dog eyes spot like a pet in the pet store window being denied a home as that segues back to Kick's living room as Kick sulks on the couch and Gunther cannot believe that he is so down on himself. I agree with him; to Kick: GET OVER IT! Even if you made it; he wouldn't give YOU the time of day. Gunther decides that he is going to try to cheer him up somehow. Plan #1: Sing a song from Norway and wear Nordic clothes while wearing a cuckoo clock on your head. This spot would have worked in Ducktales; but here it sucks and makes Gunther and the writers look like bigots. The accent is good; but the chicken dance is lame. Kick no sells of course. So Gunther goes for Cheer Up MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN #2 (and breaks logic by magically showing up in his regular clothes five seconds after Kick no sells): He takes a glass of milk and drinks it. Then he magically shows the GREEN FEATHER OF SLIGHT SUFFERING and tickles his own armpit. He oversells the laugh and that shoots milk out of his nose. Okay; that was pretty funny; but it would never work in real life unless someone ELSE was tickling Gunther in the armpits. I see he liked Kit's tickling spot in Polly Wants A Treasure (since that one involved a green feather and hilariously bad animation). Naturally; Kick no sells that one too despite getting a milk shower. So Gunther goes for #3: He rings the doorbell and then returns with a girly voice to reveal his fat belly painted with a girl's face on it. Even Huey in his crappy sexist state would NEVER stoop to that low on the sexism scale. Kick no sells it as usual. Oh; and Gunther calls his belly Mr. Bellyface which would have been good to use as Gunther's LAST NAME. Gunther gives up and sits on the remote which magically appears on the couch and the television turns on to a nature show which seems to provide more entertainment in ten second than I have seen thus far in this short. Apparently; Gunther proclaims that he can control the television with his ass. With that kind of ass; that is plausible.
Gunther manages to change the channel (with that ass? Yeah right?!) and is shows that on Sunday three times in blood that you can meet Billy Stumps in person (who is shown in his monster truck which begs the question: How is driving a monster truck being a daredevil? That's the symbol of being a coward myself.) and then the channel changes into a romance/spy show called Teena something (Note From The Future: It's called Teena Sometimes as in the final episode of season one). I don't give a damn about it and neither does Kick. Finally; we agree on something. He wants the channel changed and Gunther sells as we see a monster truck go through the television screen. It doesn't kill Kick or Gunther sadly. Billy Stumps sponsors are Cheetah Chug which sounds like an energy drink made of alcohol that got in trouble from the Food & Drug Administration a few days back. There is a 90 feet truck smashing drop contest (How fitting for this show?); a mullet contest and a bear vs truck fighting contest. I don't think even a redneck would stoop to this low on the dignity scale. Even they got standards you know. 95% of them due to liberal laws; but still they got standards though. Billy Stumps shows up as he jumps 27 trailers, a marching band and a pool of toxic green waste (which contains a mutated Canadian goose. So this show takes place in Edmonton, Alberta I see.). And if you find the WCW KEY OF DOOM; you get to ride shotgun with him. I would call this a plot device; but that would be insulting to plot devices. Even more amazing; Kick actually outright said shotgun. So; bullet shooting guns are bad; but saying shotgun is perfectly fine.
Kick gets giddy so we go to the dream sequence which shows a butterfly and then a monster truck appears OUT OF NOWHERE and jumps into the air in glorious slow motion. I know that this is flash animation; but there is no excuse to stooping to Z-grade spots. We cut to the front window shot to see Kick and Billy Stumps high five-ing each other in the truck. Even more amazing; Billy's left stump actually can DRIVE the thing one stump. I'm amazed that a professional company like Disney would allow someone to get away with so many logic breaks in that one short even in this era. We return to reality (no, not really) as Kick proclaims that he wants that key with the worst emoting I have ever heard since the last short. Gunther proclaims that it's impossible since Kick would have to kick a billjillion cans of the toxic stuff. I'm guessing that the energy drink is the toxic waste. I'm calling it right now folks. However; Gunther can drink the stuff easily and Kick doesn't want him to suffer; but Gunther insists (because it's what he does see.) and the two get inspired and giddy with orange pineapple ice cream barriers surrounding them. Don't ask me why. I'm better off not knowing. So we head to the Food-n-Fix as Kick and Gunther race into the gas station convenient store. The doors open and Kick calls out for Wade in a voice that sounds like he is calling him Sweet. We cut to Wade (red tunic hat, brown shirt, blue pants) eating soft serve pink ice cream from the dispenser. EWWWWW! He notices them and greets them by some silly nicknames that I'm sure will not catch. I certainly didn't catch them when he was talking at 50 miles per hour. The funny part of him is when he got the brain freeze. Yeah; it's slush, what a shock.
Wade is voiced by Eric Christian Olsen who started on Beyond Belief in 1997 and then the television movie Black Cat Run as a Gas Attendant. He then went on to the following movies: Pearl Harbour (Gunner), Not Another Teen Movie (Austin), Cellular (Chad), Beerfest (Gunter), License to Wed (Carlisle), Eagle Eye (Craig) and the Back Up Plan as Clive. He also did a few television shows such as Community, Brothers & Sisters, The Loop, Tru Calling and Get Real along with cameos on Turks, ER, Smallville, 24 and NCIS: Los Angeles. Kick Buttowski is his DTVA debut and only appearance. He is currently working on two movies: The Thing and rumored to be Ken on the Gatchaman movie. Wade recovers and Gunther goes to the slush machine because he wants a brain freeze. I know; he is supposed to be the Patrick Star of the duo, so let him be an idiot. Wade tells him to dare to dream. I see he has been reading too many Kit Cloudkicker fan poems as he asks Kick what he wants. Kick wants all the Cheetah Chug in the store; but Wade proclaims that they are sold out more or less. However; that only applies to the store see as we go to a really pointless and time consuming sequence showing off Wade's car as he opens the trunk (nice way to eliminate the build up to showing off that cool car there amigos.) to reveal 10 cases of 16 cans per case of Cheetah Chug for Gunther to get diabetes off and join one of the Jonas Brothers in Disney history. I don't know which one; I just know it's one of them. It might be all three for all I know. Heck; I have diabetes so it's not like I cannot use that joke and not get away with it.
Kick asks about price and Wade states that it's on the house. Yeah; it's a BS&P decision to try to make Wade not look like a thief. Sadly; the fact that he hid 10 cases of it implies that he is a thief. It's all for the cause see. How did he know what cause Kick was doing? Kick didn't explain it to him when he went inside. So we go back to the house and see Kick throwing cans of Cheetah Chug into a pile for recycling (I guess) as we see on the far shot, Gunther riding a bicycle drinking cans Kick gives to him. I got a hand it to Gunther; he has found a way to burn those sugar alcohols; although since a bicycle is a motor vehicle; I would not want to see the police in this area if I were Kick. Kick uses the LEGAL HAND OF GOD to stop him in his track as he opens a can and pours it down Gunther's throat. Kick lets him pass and shakes the can upside down; but still no key present. Kick does it again and Gunther goes into rabid dog mode (I guess this is their answer to Monty and his cheese attack) as there is still no key and we see Gunther running around basically doing the work rate of 12 guys. He return with a gnome (the most overused object in the new cartoon shows I might add. The gnome vacation ads were not THAT funny guys!) and runs around for a bit until he stops dead and drops on his back and burps (which is classy compared to most of this series) and out comes the WCW key. Kick grabs the key and does a new catchphrase that is so lame ass that I forget it the second he said it and I'm not rewinding. Gunther's near attempt to vomit on camera was more interesting and even that is no great shakes either. He runs stage left and vomits off screen (thank you; that's all I ask) as we zoom in to Kick ponders the catchphrase and he likes it. Why am I not surprised?! He wants to rock on the face shot (and you thought 101 Dalmatians the Series animation was crappy?) and we go to the triple Sunday scene changer.....
...and it's AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) inside Kick's bedroom as he puts his gloves on (despite them being on his hands) and his boot (no socks once again) and zips up. He flings the key into his hands; but decides not to wipe his helmet clean this time. We then see Kick walking out the door in the most vainglorious fashion ever with the key onto the street (These guys are just asking to be roadkill at this point) as Gunther joins him and becomes the smartest one in the entire episode by asking the obvious question: How the hell are they getting to the arena? And Gunther symbolizes that by prat falling on his face. Seriously; that is what he does. Kick tries going to mother and father as we head inside the house and see Harold Buttowski for the first time in the show (white shirt with American colors, brown pants, blue shoes and a decent crew cut) refusing to let him go because he has to go to a modeling show with his nine year old daughter Brianna who is dressed like she is a mother. Jeepers; creepers guys. I think it's clear that Harold is not a good father if he's...oh wait; I forgot about Kit Cloudkicker, never mind. It's still creepy just the same. Can you imagine Rebecca doing this to Molly three years later? I think not. Anyhow; Brianna is also a spoiled rotten brat who has this quirk of “I want x” for her favorite catchphrase. Ummm; yeah. Harold is pretty nice though it seems which increases the creep factor just a tiny little bit.
Harold Buttowski is voiced by Brian Stepanek who started in 1998 as Kevin in Cupid and then Children of the Struggle in 1999. He didn't do much of note other than Over The Hedge and until he got to Disney as Arwin in the Suite Life of Zack & Cody and Martin in Bolt. Kim Possible was his DTVA debut though and was on the Suite Life on Deck and Phineas & Ferb. His most recent credit was Monster Mutt as Dr. Victor Lloyd. Brianna is voiced by Grey DeLisle (Finally; someone with voice acting chops) who started on the Baldur's Gate video game in 1998. She has done more than 230 productions in her career (not including a writer credit and three soundtracks) and her main roles were Emily Liz Howard in Clifford the Big Red Dog, Evy O'Connell in The Mummy Animated Series, Vicki in Fairly Oddparents (strange since we have a character like that in this show as Brad), Daphne in Scooby Doo, Sam Manson in Danny Phantom, Lizzie Devine in Codename: Kids Next Door, Lupe in..say it with me...My Gym Partner's A Monkey, Azula in Avator the Last Airbender. Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is her DTVA debut and she would be in The Weekenders, The Legend of Tarzan, House of Mouse, Filmore!, Lilo & Stitch The Series, Brandy & Mr. Whiskers, American Dragon: Jake Long, WITCH, Kim Possible and The Replacements. Her most recent credit is Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker. She is really starting to get to the levels of the old female voice talents of the past.
Brianna gives her a good raspberry much to my surprise, in response as Honey Buttowski enters (she has a yellow shirt, blue tie and white pants with orange curly hair. I almost thought she looked like Nancy Trenchard to me) and she hates the fumes from the Monster Truck rallies and then sprays orange hairspray on everyone (and Kick) and leaves. Call me crazy; but that woman has some surprising class for someone who takes her daughter to creepy recitals. Honey is voiced by Kari Wahlgren who is mostly a video game and anime dub voice talent who got started in 2000 with FLCL. She has done almost 170 productions and I would say a good 80% of it are either anime or video games. The Wild was her Disney debut and her DTVA debut was on American Dragon: Jake Long and then she was on Kim Possible, Stitch anime series and Phineas & Ferb. Her most recent credit is Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness as Tigeress. She has been doing less anime and video games in recent years I should note and her last video game credit is BioShock 2 for the two of you who care. Kick coughs and wheezes and then proclaims that he will ask Brad which has to be the stupidest decision he has ever made. After Dead Man's Drop; why would Brad bother to help him? So we go to the front lawn as Brad is washing his bicycle with a garden hose as Kick and Gunther ask for transportation.
Besides; he's washing the bike because Gunther threw up on it and if Brad finds who did it he's toast. Nice continuity there guys as they misplace toast for bus and we go to the scene changer of doom to a far shot of the street as Kick and Gunther run towards the bus; but it drives away. Kick slides to his knees and screams...badly. And they are on the street again. We go to a zoom out shot which is poorly done and then we hear some honking and a red car zipping down the street. If you cannot guess who's driving it; you have no business reading this rant. It stops on a dime in front of Kick who's eyeball die on cue and Gunther takes a prat fall on his back. The window winds down and it's Wade, DUH! This would have worked a lot better if we didn't see the whole car in PROFILE earlier guys. You writers really think children are retards; don't you?! So they get in and buckle up with seatbelts (so we can be safe; which is stupid when you consider everything Kick and Gunther have done already.) and Wade steps on the gas; but the car stalls about five feet and stops. HAHA! I called that one easily enough. Everyone is in shock as Wade didn't see that one coming. Wade is truly on drugs not to see THAT one coming a mile away. Kick has a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN and asks Gunther if he is thinking and of course we waste more time with Gunther not getting what he is thinking at all. Sigh. Kick wants Wade to open the trunk and we cut to the back as Wade pops the trunk and we see the EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF CASES & CANS of Cheetah Chug in the trunk. How about that?! That proves Wade is a thief right there. We then get a can spilling scene changer.....
…..and we waste more time as Kick makes Gunther guzzle down more of that really toxic stuff. It takes 20 of them as the cans create another pile on the street (to add litterbug to the list of laws these kids broke) and Gunther goes rabid again. This makes Monty's cheese attack so much more classy in comparison. Gunther roars and gets on all fours and grabs Kick with his teeth and Kick no sells the damn thing which makes him officially more emotionless than Sandy No Sell Sweetcheeks. He shakes Kick around a bit and then we are off into the darkness as Wade watches on without a care in the world. And Kick is Danger Dude by the way as Wade gives him a nickname. We then pan over to the car and the front bumper with wires comes off complete with cut wires. That makes no sense at all as Wade swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (dang) as if it was supposed to be funny. Memo to Wade: it was not. So we waste some time with Gunther running like a rabid dog with Kick in his mouth. I think Kick's no selling is a lot more disturbing than Gunther's rabid dog routine. And just to ruin the effect; the deadpan Steve Irwin wannabe announcer buts in as we head to the stadium outside with lots of car as then we cut inside to see Billy Stumps in the Monster Truck waving with his stump. Har! Har! For the two people who care; Jeff Glenn Bennett is the voice actor here which is the second notable Disney voice of the series. The announcer proclaims that this is the main event and that no one found the key as Gunther slips on the stairs leading up to the stadium and Kick goes flying in such a matter impossible to gravity and gives the key to the PA Announcer (old man with glasses, grey shirt, white curly hair) (!!!) as there is now a winner.
Kick then flies towards the right side of the Monster Truck as Billy Stump opens the door like an idiot to let him in instead of keeping the door closed so Kick bounces safely off of it. So Kick collides into Billy and they tumble out as the power of suggestion starts up the monster truck. Oh; that wasn't contrived in the very least; no siree! Somehow; Kick manages to stay in the front seat; breaking all logic and reason and he's driving the monster truck. Why? So he can perform the stunt himself silly. It's Kick Buttowski after all; and you have to kick butt in vainglorious fashion. Character development is for lame wimps see. So Kick drives over the ramp; but the monster truck dives to it's side allowing Kick to get his stupid catchphrase in (the same one he usually uses; instead of the one he was working on earlier) and crashes taking MAN-SIZED bumps (it's a monster truck; what did you expect?!) and does the loop-de-loop for about 15 dollars and 15 cents in vainglorious slow motion and somehow MISSES the band and manages to destroy the toxic waste pool (murdering the mutant Canadian Goose in the process) and finally crashes to a stop in wussy fashion as the toxic waste eats the rubber. Huh? You call THAT waste?! I call that normal wear and tear. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kick opens his eyes as Billy Stumps looks ready to MURDER him with his stump (YAY!) for MURDERING his monster truck as the crowd gasps in horror (I knew Kick paid them off!); but he recoils and praises him (BOO HISS!). DAMN YOU BS&P! I wanted to see a one armed man kick ass and you ruined it!
The crowd cheers on cue as the marching band starts playing again and we get the fireworks display spot. Billy Stumps likes this daredevil and I puke in my mouth just a little more as Kick introduces himself in vainglorious fashion as Billy Stumps introduces him to the crowd. Pointless since it's clear Kick paid them off to begin with. More fireworks; flashbulbs and stadium shots as Kick does his devil pose in front of Gunther on the monster truck as we go to the clear back shot as his clothes melt and he's naked once again. That's the second time in as many shorts that it has happened. Go figure as Gunther tries to state the obvious; but Billy gets in front of him as Kick poses as he pumps his fist as the camera makes sure the fist is under the groin area on the frontal nudity shot. Although Kick doesn't help the scene by invoking a veiled penis reference on the stadium monitor shot. And then we fade to black......and return to the street as Wade still cannot start the car. Yeah; we are going to end on THAT note as Wade swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE to end the short at 10:20 approx. Okay I guess; but who cares that Kick looks like a little bastard who gets naked in each short and Gunther goes rabid. This does nothing to make me like them. Heck; Gunther's milk shooting spot was the most likeable thing about this short. At least the logic breaks were reduced in this one; despite the spot blowing. Call it * ½ (30%).
THE REVIEW LINE
It took nearly nine hours and one power outage; but I got through Kick Buttowski's first two episodes. And it is as crappy as I thought it would be. Kick and Gunther are basically unlikable. Who cares if Kick wins; he cannot emote properly and he has no restraint. Plus his voice is cast wrong. Gunther could have been good; but every time he did something likeable; he would do something that made me cringe. Brad is supposed to be the bully; but I was cheering for him to make Kick's life a living hell. He came off as someone I like instead of the bullying heel that he's supposed to be. Billy Stumps is just another redneck (who has a stump; and somehow looks better than Patrick Stump from Fallout Boy); the parents are reasonable; albeit creepy; Brianna might be good. There were way too many logic breaks and a lot of spots that made me cringe in agony. We have bodily fluid jokes, jack-hammering to the ground, climaxing for every short for 11 minutes straight, and nudity from Kick at least once every short (and I don't buy Brad was nude at the end of the first short either; no matter what Gunther thinks). The animation is good for being on flash; but it shows that the problem is not the technology; but the companies cutting corners can make anything look crappy. Even so; these shorts are still better than Dances with Bigfoot and All's F In Love And War from Darkwing Duck; Out to Launch from Rescue Rangers, Luck O'The Ducks from Ducktales and even Feats of Clay from Quack Pack. So it's not a total write off. Again; I have seen worse, but man it's painful to watch just the same. Next up is episode 2 which is If Books Could Kill and There Will Be Nachos. The second short might be good since Brad is the main event. Too bad Kick has to ruin it. So.......
Thumbs way down for both shorts and I'll see you next time.