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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil
If Books Could Kill/There Will Be Nachos Rant
There Will Be Stinking Ass That Will Kill You!
More sadism and more vainglorious bastardization are to come thanks to Kick Buttowski. So we just went through a really bad 22 minutes of rewritten pilot and now we get into the regular episode shorts as Kick now battles a libarian to get his precious Billy Stumps book back the Mission Impossible way and then ruin Brad Buttowski's life when he throws an awesome party. So how do these shorts do? Let's rant on shall we...?!
If Books Could Kill is written by Nate Knetchel with the storyboards done by Troy Adomitis and Mike Kunkel and directed by Chris Savino. There Will Be Nachos is written by Nate Knetchel & John Derevlany. The storyboard is done by Bob Camp and direction is done by Chris Savino. John began writing in 1989 with Night After Night and did work for Angry Beavers, Wayside, Gerald McBoing Boing (Now there's a funny guy!), Zolar, Animal Jam, What's So Funny?, Monster Buster Club, The League of Super Evil and most recently Cartoon Gene. He also did story consultant for Creepy Freaks and appeared on Manufacturing Dissent (Canadian Senator Mike Duffy's nemesis), TV Nation and Rock That Uke. Don't ask me why...As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.
Opening Moment #1: This might be the best title card I have seen among of the shorts I have ranted on thus far which shows books against a black background and a really blocky chalk drawing as if the books have murdered Kick's brain. If only that were true. I am a sadist and a slimebag. Eat your heart you Eddie Della Siepe!
We begin this one in the street with some silly drum banging and we see a postal truck drives out of the camera with mail flying. Huh?! Okay; this is why I trust UPS now. The truck slides in safe like a baseball player against the sidewalk. I see this post man is the official driver for the Wuzzles and this is his cameo appearance. He stuffs some letters into the mailbox. And he drives away on the door shot as Kick comes out (I guess those screeching wheels are loud) and sees a yellow package laying down on the grass. So Kick completely ignores it and spins around the post like a...say it with me...vainglorious bastard and opens the mailbox and whirlwinds the mail out. He then acts like a dog (Where's Gunther when you REALLY need him?) and bites open the real package to reveal an orange book called Billy Stumps Live Till It Hurts. I know this because it has Billy Stumps's redneck face on it. If anyone deserved to be executed by Scott Bowden's Operation White Trash; it's Billy Stumps. And maybe Kick Buttowski also. Kick opens to the bottom of the page and it's even signed by Billy Stumps. And we get the first logic break as the book is now magically closed on the shot where Kick sezs sweet after the Billy Stumps echo voice over.
Kick runs stage left and has a meeting of the minds....oh wait...I mean; assminds. And it wasn't at the funny farm either. And they REPEAT THE SPOT about ten times (seriously) as Gunther is going to the library and Kick has to run. Kick magically teleports into the house and runs up the stairs complete with Hanna Barbera running sound and looping effects. Now if you don't know what happens to Kick's book next; you have no business reading this rant. Kick runs and does a really crappy jump into his bed under the orange sheets (You are no Kit Cloudkicker from Stormy Weather Kick) and goes to his flashlight from the drawers (NOT THOSE ONES!). He turns it on from the sheets and then the sheets pop and he realizes that he has the WRONG book, DUH! It's Whistling For Boys. Now you know Gunther is a loser when he NEEDS A FREAKIN BOOK to learn how to whistle. I wonder if there is such a book for nice boys. Kick realizes that this is Gunther's book and races out with the blue skateboard remembering to be vainglorious about it and bounce off the mailbox on the way out. What does the postman have to do with a missing book?!
We then cut to Gunther walking with the Billy Stumps book and trying to whistle which sounds like he's farting. Seriously; that is the sound that I keep hearing from him. Gunther makes it to the drop off box near the entrance and puts it in as Kick pops off the skateboard and we naturally get the sequence of Kick screaming no in Z-Grade slow motion. And Kick's emoting is decent this time around, much to my surprise; but the skateboard rotating 360 degrees outclass him in every way still. The book is placed anyway as Kick manages to grab onto the drop box door without a single bump present and tries to grab at the book but no dice. Gunther notices the book Kick dropped and grabs it happy and then he whistles....and it's very good. So he was FARTING for real all this time?! I know it's natural to fart but this is beyond the pale absurd even by Gunther's recently lowered standards. He also gets the bluebirds and red birds on his arm as Kick is not amused complete with bad rock music once again. Kick then steals Gunther's book and puts it into the drop box as the birds fly away on cue and then walks out with his "up yours" pose. Now I can see why Maxie Zeus wants to beat this guys' face in now. Kick tries to go in; but Gunther stops him asking why he wants to go in. Kick states that he wants his Billy Stumps book back. Gunther tells him no because the librarian is EVIL. And Gunther cannot emote properly to save his life either. That is truly EVIL~! But not in a good way. Kick is not impressed as Gunther relates the story that the librarian keeps everything...and he does mean everything, even sandwiches....
….And looky; we even get a FLASHBACK OF DOOM as Gunther manages to misplace his peanut butter sandwich (which managed to maintain it's shape in between the heavy books mind you) with the other book and panics. He tries to go through the drop box to get it; but a banana yellow sleeve (well; that explains her evilness doesn't it? Gedo has that effect on me.) squeezes his arm harshly. Well; Gunther was looking like a common hobo thief so I don't blame her. We return to reality (no, not really) as Gunther pounds the pavement and does such a bad selling job of it that the music sounds like a Z-Grade movie gone wrong. Ponder that one for a moment and DISPAIR~! Kick ignores him and looks out the glass door with the evil smile of lameness. He knocks on the door and whistles just as a old lady with glasses and a cheese orange dress opens the door and she looks kind of normal. A little crabby perhaps; but nothing special. She asks nicely how she can serve Kick and Kick actually shows some class and dignity and asks about the misplaced book. We then jump cut to see that Gunther has somehow teleports about 100 feet behind the bushes. We are now getting to Mighty Hercules levels of cheapness now. Gunther keeps selling the evil thing badly; so I cannot take him seriously if I tried.
The librarian no sells because they are closed see. Kick states that it is only noon; so she repeats it in a creepy way and slams the door causing Kick to bounce down the stairs in such hilariously bad fashion that even I have to chuckle. See; this is the big problem with Kick: He is the #1 babyface and yet he is the biggest bump machine of the series. And he does nothing else that pleases me. He bounces with an ultra wussy bump (even worse; his helmet padded the blows) as Gunther reminds him of being evil and that's the first time the boy has emoted something with a degree of proper emoting. Gunther then asks for ice cream as apparently someone screwed up the audio as we hear the librarian again. I'll forgive them this time such this video is shot in front of a television. Kick runs like the wind...a northwestern wind as he tries his ultra lame headbutt move from Deadman's Drop; but he whacks his head as the second barrier of steel doom. Even without the padding; I doubt that would have hurt him. If it were Kit; you might as well cremate him and spreads the ashes over the sea of the plane crash. POW! OUCH! HEY....Kick bounces back (how does that work?) and into Gunther's chest complete with no bump and squeak sound. I shake my head in disgust and move on. Kick proclaims that she won the first round and then we go to the close up of doom for round two.
So we go to the terrible scene changer as it is AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) from the moon shot pan southwest to the far shot of the library as we get close up shots of Kick and Gunther basically using equipment to start their first break and enter of the series (Obsession for Kick was after this short by the way) and this goes on for a while as we cut to Kick on the top of the library roof (what a surprise?) as he has a video camera on his helmet. Now this is not a smart move for anyone to do since taping a criminal offense is REALLY STUPID; but this is Kick so who cares if he gets arrested?! He opens the top roof window as we cut to floor level with Gunther with the giant ass fishing pole (Kick is the bait for this; why do you ask?!) as he warns Kick to get caught because he got turned into a bookmark once. And just to try to prove to me that this happened; we see a FLASHBACK OF DOOM with Gunther stuck between the pages of a big ass book. Now that is funny! We return to reality (no, not really) as Kick even thinks that this is BS. Somehow; I wish it wasn't. And of Gunther admits that he lied about it...but it COULD'VE happened. That is something I think Gunther should reconsider. So Kick orders the lower down as he position himself above the open solar window and that ends the segment almost four minutes in. I'm amazed that they went four minutes without Kick getting nude...although Gunther made it up by farting of course. Otherwise; it's the usual clustermuck so far.
After the Youtube break we head inside the library as we do the usual Mission Impossible "Steal the diamond from laser beams" spot. We then see the librarian wheeling a cart full of books. I see she has the Shere Khan vampire character down pat. Kick sees her and uses the watch to order Gunther to pull up. Gunther sells and Kick goes up about 10 feet. Kick does some watching on his watch as we cut to see a black spider annoying Gunther as he tries to MURDER it with the FAT ASS WIND OF DOOM. And the spider sticks to Gunther's nose and Gunther completely oversells the scream. Ummm; whatever. Kick drops; but manages to get about six feet above the librarian as she wheels the cart away. She is completely deaf I see. Apparently; Gunther whacked himself into a lamp pole to save himself; but not his face. Too bad there was no bump to show the pain he is in. So in my mind; Gunther is just showing off. So we see the librarian walk out of sight from the place as Kick sighs for relief (but not my relief from watching it of course) and drops on his feet on the floor. So we see Kick practicing the fine art of not being seen as he tells Gunther that he is in. We then cut to Gunther turning on his computer which shows an FPS of the place. Okay; what is the point of this? If Gunther had an actual GPS system instead then this would make sense; but it is turning into a bad first person shooter. On the other paw; at least it has colors and none of the guys are bald headed space marines.
Although Kick does come dangerously close to that as he continues to practice the fine art of not being seen and makes it to the book drop off box. He opens the door and it's empty, DUH! In any other DTVA universe; the episode would have Kick finding the book and taking it and then the librarian would arrive and go loco before being defeated and taken away from the police. Sadly; this is the new Disney and we have another five and a half minutes to go before this is all said and done. Kick doesn't like it and slams it shut as we fade to black and get serious. Did I mention how badly cliche Kick banter is starting to get. We return with Kick with camera on head as Gunther wishes him luck and Kick proclaims that he needs no luck. He has a point since Kit Cloudkicker is the luckiest character in Disney history. Seriously; I mean it. And then in one of those screw ups that makes me mad; he trips on two books on the floor that magically appear out of nowhere despite Kick not even moving to trip at all and we see Kick oversell and bounce around on the FPS shot. Do you know why a lot of older viewers hate Flash? Because as I said to Chris Barat earlier; Disney uses Flash because they don't want to spend money on professionals to make the medium viable and respectful to customers. They are using it as an excuse to save money since their previous content has so much BS in it (and that includes cel animation and to a much lesser extent; The Princess & The Frog) that they were losing money. And Gunther stupidity follows the FPS screen and becomes dizzy and looks like he is ready to vomit in his mouth (too late Gunther! I've done that several times during this series already.). Thankfully; he faints off-screen and therefore vomits off-scene. Thank you; that is all I ask.
So we head back inside the library as we get more practicing the fine art of not being seen as Kick does the twinkle toe sound effect just to add more gall to his resume. Badass sign of the day: Books are Fun. Unless you are against ideas in general. Then you hate them. Kick said something that I cannot make out and then we zoom in to a bookshelf and see the book of Billy Stumps in the middle. Here's the obvious logic gap in all this: All books in a library have ID's in the back of the book to sign out. Since the Billy Stumps book does not and the librarian has to check to make sure that the book belongs here; then why is it on the shelf. See how incredibly stupid this episode is in general? And it doesn't make the librarian into a heel; it just makes her look stupid and on the firing block for unintentionally stealing a book. Kick goes for the far as Gunther gasps and the lights turn on and there is the librarian as she tells him that he wishes he never came back and then she laughs in evil fashion. I don't know who exactly voiced her; but she does sound like June Foray (Note From The Future: It isn't her. It's the voice of Wanda from Fairly Oddparents.) . Gunther screams and it's so crappy that it isn't funny. The crappy thunderclaps don't help this scene either as the EVIL WOMAN OF DOOM stalks Kick (YES! YES! MURDER HIM LADY! NO COURT IN THIS WORLD WILL CONVICT THEE!) as he slowly removes the book and then we get the blitz into each other spot.
And then logic breaks as we go to the side by side SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE EVIL LIBARIAN EDITION~! No running in the library which is pointless since Kick Buttowski is the Suburban Daredevil see. He's already walked in the street two shorts in a row along with full frontal nudity so the horse is already out of the barn and into the wilderness by now. We then go to the real blitz with the rack as Kick jumps onto the rack in anime fashion so the librarian does the funniest thing I have ever seen: She invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH and the cart goes backwards into the bookshelf with a decent bump and Kick goes flying off the cart (using his usual lame biscuits catchphrase). Man; these heels are so awesome in comparison to the babyfaces. And so Kick lands into the Xerox machine and gets flatten and scanned. HAHA! Gunther gasps in horror outside as Kick does about five poses on the copying machine before leaving. Even if he gets radiated; he finds a way to make Drake Mallard look like the SMART one in DARKWING.......DUCK! Kick jumps away and the librarian's face gets copied as a result. BOO HISS! And Kick just makes me annoyed even more as he stomps on top of the copier as he runs stage right. We then get a pointless shot of the old lady on paper as we see Kick running away like the scalded vainglorious dog that he is. Kick tries to escape; but the librarian naturally teleports in front of him (because we need a Chuck Tately-equse logic break in this short somewhere) and invokes the...I cannot believe I am typing this...THE LIBARAY CARDS OF DEATH~! Kick dodges all of course; but about 20 of them nail him on the shoulder and take out the FPS camera. I know this because Gunther's computer screen has gone fuzzy screen on the next shot.
We head back inside as Kick is pinned against the book shelf and the librarian proclaims that she has won and she owns Kick's ass. That is not a good idea lady. Kick blows her off with an apology while the thunder claps for too long (It's Mellowbrook; what did you expect? Cape Suzette?) and manages to break free easily and steal the book back from her. Kick makes Monty & Drake combined look like selfless "get anyone over" guys. Even Monty in super mouse mode knew when to reel it in a bit. We then see Gunther behind a lamp pole as we see Kick walk out proclaiming that she's good; but he's better as he shows the book. Now of course we find out that the book cover comes off and drops to reveal Whistling For Boys as Gunther points out the obvious. So in other words; the librarian KNEW Kick was coming back to get the book back. We then cut up to the librarian showing the real book as I ask the obvious question: Why would she want a redneck book about Billy Stumps? Somehow I doubt that will ever be explained. And he is in his underwear of course and almost completely naked for the third time in as many shorts which Gunther rightfully points out when Kick tries to go back in. So Gunther whistles and the red/blue birds bring in his white bodysuit and Kick puts it on for the final chapter. I didn't even know he was naked until Gunther pointed it out. That was the blurry camera over television screen video cut I have been watching for ye. Kick puts the clothes back on and Guthner tells him to go get her. So we head inside as the librarian is wheeling in another cart of books with the Billy Stumps book on top.
She then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and then we see from the solar window roof as Kick rides into an open window (I guess since there is no glass breaking when he comes in. There's a BS&P decision if I EVER SAW ONE!) as the old lady is in SHOCK...and she is soon going to be appalled. Kick steals the book and rides away as we see a naked male statue in the background (That one is fine since we see this sort of thing in the old Disney) as the old lady pulls on a green book from the book shelf and it opens the book shelf to reveal the HELLISH MOTOR SCOOTER OF DEATH. HOLY CRAP?! This woman has some awesome moves. She is in the wrong show and needs to get out now before she gets buried by Kick. You may be so over now; but in three minutes; you are going to be room feed! And she has a German bike helmet just to turn her into a literal FemniNazi. Seriously guys. She starts up the scooter and we are off with the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE MOTOR SCOOTER EDITION~! The lady steals the book back on the side by side shot despite the animation making her miss by a mile. Kick calls it well played. That's the power of suggestion for ya. More chasing in the library for a while (and it looks mighty good compared to most of this series natch) as Kick goes for the turbo speed and steals the book back. And then we get a really vainglorious spot as Kick stops on a dime and turns 360 degree as the old lady misses grabbing the book again. The old lady stops on a dime with the brakes and turns around; but not before almost losing her dentures in the process. Ummm; yeah.
More chasing and the old lady manages to steal the book back from him and throws it onto a wooden table and if you cannot call the final bump right now; you have no business reading this rant. Both turn around and we see Kick slides onto two wooden tables and then grabs the book again and then slides back onto the bicycle. The old lady can only ride and knock books down. She is getting her burial right about now. Kick drives over the table (huh?!) and behind the naked sitting statue (double huh?) as she sees Kick somehow driving above the book shelves. This is making no sense whatsoever and it seems now they are wasting time just because they still have 90 seconds left. So now she magically brings out the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE (I'm guessing it's dental floss; but the blurry picture doesn't help me here) as Kick tries to escape; but the old lady lassos him back good. Then we see the book flying in the air and please make it burn instantly so this episode can be over quick. Kick then does a back plant into a bookshelf and we get the old domino effect (adding more vandalism and book degradation to his list of crimes against cartoon humanity) as the old lady thinks she is dead; but she's saved by the learning naked statue. I don't think she is going to be much a prude after THAT save anymore. She breathes a sigh of relief...for about two seconds and then she gets buried by a book tomb. Geez; how symbolic can you get?! The book drops conveniently in the middle between the two as Kick and the old lady drive on opposite sides and we get the old stare down of doom. Geez; I wonder who will get the book?!
We get the blitz, the VS. shot and they flex their paws out and they crash heads in an explosion and knock the camera out again from Gunther's computer screen outside. Wait; I thought the camera was busted earlier?! Gunther screams in such a bad fashion that he has to drop the computer screen to catch himself. And yes; that was the final bump. The door opens outside with dust and smoke (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH, MOVIE RATING AND THIS SERIES IN GENERAL!) as he sees what appears to be the old lady as he cowers in fear. If you cannot guess who it really is; well you know. And of course the smoke clears and it's Kick wearing the handlebars on his head as he officially has the book in his hand. Yeah; he got his book back and it only cost him about $100,000 in damages. Gunther calls it awesome and then claims that there is a spider as Kick just walks by. Okay; explain THAT one to me kids?! Gunther apologizes for getting his book stuck even though it was Kick's stupidity for not seeing Gunther where he was going to begin with. Kick calls this night epic as he then reveals the MOLDY SANDWICH OF DOOM. I betcha Gunther EATS the sandwich too just for one more slap in the face of decency everywhere. Damn; I'm good and your are absolutely DISGUSTING Gunther Magnamson. And he belches of course as we see Kick walking away in his recycled up yours pose IN THE STREET with Gunther as we return in a dust cloud with the old lady swearing revenge and proclaiming that they always come back to the library. Geez lady; get some help madam. The Nazi helmet comes off and she laughs like a banshee as we get some thunderclaps (crappy of course). And then she calms down as the dust clears completely and walks back in to end the short at 10:20. The user's take at the end: Whoa! You are not kidding dude; only it's for the wrong reasons. -1/2 * (-10%).
Opening Moment # 2: The title card is nacho sucko with a hint of bastardized Kick Buttowski helmet. Oh goody; we get to see Kick at his very worst now.
There Will Be Nachos: We begin this one at Kick's house outside as the sun is slowly beginning to rise. We have dueling snorefests from Kick and Brad in separate bedroom and then the split screen of doom as the alarm clocks are now ringing at 9 am. We get dueling wake up calls; dueling dressing up, dueling red circles on the calender, duel shining up helmets, duel morning silliness to waste some time. Also allows Brad to comb his pubic hair under his right arm pit. More dueling dress up as this episode is stinking both literally and figurally. Brad finally opens his CHEST OF DEMONS as it's filled with nacho chips, melted cheese and hot sauce. He even eats his own stuff in the chest. EWWWWWW! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY! See; he's going to do the most awesome party ever as Kick gets his backpack on and it's showtime in stereo as they both run outside. Brad checks his list and they both have a meeting of the minds. And it wasn't at the pool table. Anyhow; Kick is gleefully on bottom as Brad blows him off as I see that he got the rights to Dillweed back. Kick tries to pop out; but Brad seems to have gained weight inbetween nacho dips. Kick does pop out and bail stage left into the attic it seems as Brad threatens to pound him into horsemeat. That doesn't seem possible Brad. He's horsesh**; not horsemeat. Brad tries to bail stage right; but he has a backpack and the parachute opens. Oh joy! NOT!
Brad blows off Kick for stealing his backpack as we see in the window Kick freefalling to the ground below. Umm; nope Brad, he took the right backpack this time and we know it. Brad sees the flyers fly as he runs outside and Kick is hunched over a hole with smoke coming out of it. He claims to be all right (BOO! HISS!) as the flyers fly and Brad races for his life for goodness knows what reason grabbing the flyers. Kick has one on his helmet as he spits dirt wondering what the hell is going on here. Kick reads the flyer and asks Brad about it as Brad kicks Kick into the hole (oh the irony!) as Brad stuffs the flyer in his mouth. The garage opens and out comes Denise with her car Antonio (as per in Dad's Car) as Denise tells Brad that he's in charge while Brianna is going to her pageant. Brad is sitting on Kick's helmet as he lies that he'll be responsible and have no parties whatsoever. Harold is in the passenger side counting on him as Kick tries to pop out; but Brad pushes him down and punches the ground about 20 times to force the point. Brianna is not amused and cuts a raspberry on Brad as the car drives away. Oh and Harold tells Brad to lay off the crack... ERR ...I mean nachos. Brad waves goodbye and Kick ruins it by invoking the POWER OF THE PUNCH to knock Brad out. Damn you Kick Buttowski!
Kick likes this parent's away party as we segue into a flashback of a party AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark). Lots of dancing, lights and fireworks ensue as a couple notices Kick Buttowski on a skateboard looking like a smug vainglorious bastard that he is. Kick skateboards as the lineup crowd seems awfully amused. Kick likes it because there are no parents supervising as he does some decent flips and ends up dunking himself into a big ass vat of nacho cheese. Whatever turns you on Kick. Quality is the exception though since Kick doesn't have much of anything in the early episodes. Kick has the goggles on and you know it's only in Kick's head when Brad and Kick actually get along and exchange snappy gun fingers at each other. Somehow; we see Kick in HIS room when we return to reality (no, not really) and since we are in the early episodes; it's Party Time complete with wide screen rainbow letters and black background. What is this Fairly Oddparents crap you speak of Mr. Weagle?! So we segue outside as Brad is setting up the lights, party flavors and everything on the porch. Sadly; he doesn't look where he is going and tangles his neck around the lights and does a faceplant on the ground. Yeah; let's bury Brad some more before Kick Out starts eh guys?
We then cut to Kick looking in the mirror like the...you know. Apparently; he has the visor helmet on this time which emmits cool shades which fail in making Kick look cool. The fugly mug ruins the effect in case you didn't notice. Kick goes down the stairs and there's Brad waiting for him to inform him that he is uninvited to his Macho Nacho Party of Doom. Considering that Brad is on Kick's revenge list; why should Kick be surprised when Brad doesn't want him anywhere near the house?! He didn't have to say anything to get the point across either; so Kick gets thrown out of the house and rips up the lawn a bit before seeing Gunther wearing a tuxedo and a bundle of red daisy flowers. He's still wearing his baseball cap and wooden shoes though; which reduces the classy effect somewhat. Kick has a beard and has found a buried bone as Brad blows him off before slamming the door and the policy is no dillweeds as shown on the front door in red letters. Brad opens the door and states that Gunther is a loser friend and he counts; so Gunther throws the flowers in him and it sounded like one of those foam bats from NERF on impact. Brad closes the door again as Gunther asks if there are no nachos and Kick sezs that there will be nachos and we do the jump cut zoom in to jackhammer the point home.
So we get the nacho scene changer as it's AFTER HAPPY HOUR at the Buttowski household as everyone walks in including Kick and Gunther wearing CHL mustaches. Now let's see how dumb Brad is because if he falls for this; then he's on the level of the henchmen from All's Whale That Ends Whale. And he's not as they get shoved out and take MAN-SIZED bumps into the trashcans about fifty feet away from the fence. Good for Brad as he blows them off and slams the gate. The mustaches become eye brows as it's over for Krackpotkin #2 which is to go over. So Gunther is at the fence to give Kick a boost and Kick runs with anime background and gets the boost; so Brad rejects him by jumping up and killing him like a volleyball. HAHA! That's the first good spot four and a half minutes in! Gunther's mouth is the ending as Gunther wants to watch parties at his house as Brad laughs his ass off and then falls off the fence. I see the nacho cheese alcohol is taking effect. Kick unpops himself as he wants in tonight and he wants to crash the party BABEE! Gunther wants some nachos. Why don't I like this idea? Read on folks and see why....
So we head to the actual party as the teenagers are actually behaving well as we head to the porch as Brad is rocking; but everyone else thinks this party is boring....and the music is downright BOR-ING too! Brad exchanges thoughts with a blond girl wearing a purple tank top and blue pants as the girl text messages to her date who is wearing earphones on his head and she wants to go home apparently. They leave stage right as two fat boys wearing red and green coats in that order get their hands in the chips. Brad takes some and dips them into the melting cheese as he calls them their famous senor Brad nachos. Here's problem #1: Most of the guests do not like Brad's party; so what is the point of Kick crashing a party that is downright boring? If this party was exciting; then who wouldn't want to crash it? The boys steal the chips and cheese as Brad hears a doorbell and thinks it's more party guests as he wants to raise the roof. Problem #2: The party host sucks so much that I'm not buying his heeldom at all. The doorbell rings some more as he answers it and we see a tennis net as Gunther is springing Kick back. Kick springs into action past Brad as Brad runs like the wind. An easterly wind this time as he opens the glass door and we get nacho chips flying everwhere to stunned guest. Whatever.
So Kick slides onto the table and steals the nacho chips and cheese as Kick heads to the gate; and so Brad makes it; opens the gate, cuts a promo and steals back the Nacho Cheese Recipe of Doom and Kick ends up eating trash cans again. Brad slams the gate shut and returns to some more girls dissing the party as so lame. One of them is wearing a half shirt by the way as Brad walks in and grabs both of them as he wants to crank it up a notch. Brad goes to the porch in a teleport like fashion and wants to play charades and gives two words. Red Coat Boy sums up the episode in one fell swoop. So we head outside the gate as both fat boys walk out and blow off the party for false advertisting. They walk off to spend hours complaining about it (probably on a blog) as Gunther fishes Kick out of the stinky trash. Which is pretty much what this short is doing thus far. Kick proclaims that he was this close as Gunther asks what it's like and Kick calls it awesome. Problem #3: Kick doesn't know what awesome is and this lame party shows. Kick still wants to crash this party and Gunther asks how. Kick has a Krackpotkin plan in store.....and I shake my head and move on...
So we get the nacho scene change as Gunther has Kick like a lawn dart as Kick proclaims that going over and through is out; so they are going under. I wish he would just stay there and not come up. So Gunther runs complete with Hanna Barbara running effect and throws Kick into the sewer and we go through the pipes on the side shot and then head to Mr. Vickie's hot tub as Mr. Vickie is relaxing in a completely heterosexual bath. Mr. Vickie is naked since the bubbles cover up the lower half of his body and up comes Kick with the double devil pose. Kick then turns around and does his biscuits promo. Whatever Kick; you are still uncool. So we head to the lamest party ever; as everyone walks to the gate not wanting anymore to do with Brad as Brad panics. Brad gets in front asking why they are leaving and they gleefully answer for me. Brad tells them to wait because if they leave, they'll miss the "door prizes". When you hesistate like that you know he's lying. If I'm those ladies; I would leave now because if they don't they are room feed! Brad gives them his cellphone, a music player and $20 in cash.
And so we head to the overbooked rampway as Kick is on his bicycle with an umbrella attached to it. Oh goody; so we have finally decided to insult TaleSpin all in one go. Sweet move Sandra, NOT! Gunther has the wrench proclaiming that it's all done. Gunther wants him to fire it up and Kick pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) on the fan as it goes from a standing position to a laying position blowing the wind up. The umbrella works as Kick reverses gear and drops down because it doesn't scream party. So Gunther shows him the smoke machine and some lightsticks. Kick asks where he got them and Gunther stole them from Mr. Vickie who is at the bath looking for them. What self-respecting heterosexual has a smoke machine and lightsticks glowing neon? Seriously; I want to know who.
So we cut back to Brad with his record of 1950 Hits which causes the party goers to want to get the hell out of there. See; this party is so sucky that it makes Kick crashing it seem so stupid and heartless. Brad has enough problems already with keeping the rubles he invited entertained. So Brad turns on the old stereo system OUT OF NOWHERE and Brad starts to rock and his attempt to rap is so bad that it stinks worse than his attempts to get the girl in Love Stinks. No one is amused as Brad tries too hard to get the joint rocking; but the joint is too stunk up for anyone to care. Brad wants to play Truth or Dare and he dares everyone to boogie down and no one takes up his offer. No one cares so Brad shakes his ass and dances so badly that Dancing With The Stars will probably call him up to star in 2012. Pull the rope from Brad; who gives a damn?! No one in the party other than Brad. So we cut back to Kick with glowsticks on his helmet claiming that he does this for little brothers everywhere. Yeah; because crashing a party NO ONE CARES ABOUT is doing it for THEM?! Damn you Kick Buttowski for ruining poor little brothers self esteem everywhere. I hope you are proud of yourself you vainglorious little bastard!
So we do the split screen of doom between Brad's laughable attempt to get a 1/4 * out of this crap and Kick starts the bicycle. Double devil's pose, visor goes down and the bicycle rides down the slide and he rockets off the ramp as Gunther wants the damn nachos. I want this damn short to end now. So Kick pushes the button and it emitts the whitest smoke ever as Kick wants to PAR-TIE! Everyone is in awe on the ground as they notice Kick on the bicycle thinking that he's a cool E.T. I think certain directors will be suing Disney for slander after this crap. The girl thinks it's an alien and she has the cellphone camera on which she got as a door prize from Brad. Continuity?! In this series? What kind of Sara Palin trick is this? Brad thinks it's Dillweed and throws a rock at the front wheels and it shoots lightsticks out machine gun style as Brad is forced to run stage right. We still have two minutes left as the umbrella folds in like Inspector Gadget's does in nearly every episode that it is used and Kick dives down and sees the red bowl of nachos on the table complete with blue jackhammered aura background. More at Brad as Kick crashes off-screen and the nacho cheese goes flying on everyone. That's right folks; Kick crashes the lamest party ever and makes a lamer mess out of it. That is just peachy. No wonder Maxie Zeus hated this series. How can I not want to punch this midget's face in after this piece of crap?!
Anyhow; Brad is a mess too near the porch as Kick pops up and does the double devil's pose just to insult me. How this boy got so classy in Kickin Genes is beyond me. Seriously; I mean that too. Everyone leaves stage left as Brad is PISSED off big time which is pointless since Brad's party sucked so much anyway. Kick does the finger gun pose and Brad grabs him and wants to MURDER the dillweed for ruining the party and the girl with the cellphone proclaims that she has it on video. Brad pleads for her not to put it on the internet; but she walks off because it's too late. Then we cut to the gate as the green hooded guy proclaims that he saw the whole thing on the internet (Already?! I know that internets are fast; but WHAT THE HELL?!) and everyone runs into the yard like a stampede. Gunther tiptoes in as the red coat guy proclaims that it was awesome. Oh give me a break as Brad brings in more nachos and food and turns on the sound system as he gives the finger gun salute to Kick and we start to dance and then Gunther yells badly. See; we are out of nachos and everyone gives Brad dirty looks. Brad proclaims that he has it under control as he runs out to the store to buy some. Sadly; he doesn't look where he is going and falls into the sewer through a manhole and somehow ends up in Mr. Vickie's hot tub. Whatever guys. Mr. Vickie offers him a bowl of nachos and Brad takes one and the chip breaks and falls into the hot tub. Brad isn't amused as his hair is wet and this mercifully ends the episode at 10:26. Thank the lord that one is over. As pointless and banal as you could get. Call it a D....No wait; I'm subtracting 1/4* for Kick's disco dance at the end of the last commercial break too. So call it -1/4* (-5%).
THE REVIEW LINE
If Books Could Kill is one of the dumbest shorts I have seen in a long time as the plot line was really contrived and forced and it took way too long to finish. And you can tell this short was sucking the meat missile when Gunther was doing as much bodily fluid jokes as he could muster within ten minutes. I mean the whole thing started with really stupid headbutting at the start and the librarian looked completely dumb just so that they could make her the evil one even though it made no sense. And of course Kick has no regard for anyone as he basically is vainglorious from start to finish and causes damage beyond belief. They should have just shorten the short enough to remove the in between stuff and have it end with Kick's parents getting the bill for damages as the old lady gets her final revenge on Kick instead of the burial finish that we got here. And when in doubt; make Kick lose his clothes again. Add on some gaping logic breaks and spot blowing to give us an Agony Booth bad episode in the negative star type.
There Will Be Nachos is not as dumb as the first short; but man it was earnestly bad for quite a few reasons. The whole party was booked to be terrible which is true from a quality sense; but it made Kick's attempt to crash it look like Kick is the most heartless piece of sh** imaginable. What's the point of crashing a lame party anyway? Real party crashers crash awesome parties; not this one. There were some logic breaks and some wonky animation, but most of the bodily fluid jokes and nudity were kept to a minimum at least. Still; to see Kick crash the party with the dumbest machine imaginable and the teenagers buying something like this disgusts me. Real teenagers would have sued Brad out of existence; not cheer Brad nor Kick for this cluster muck. Brad's volleyball spot and Mr. Vickie's hot tub scenes were the only things I laughed at. Yeah; this was the very nature of the early episodes and thankfully for me; things do get better. So the next episode for Kick Buttowski is According to Chimp to pair along with Snowpocalypse; followed by The Treasure Of Dead Man Dave and Dancing With The Enemy for the orphan episodes. So......
Thumbs way down in hell for both shorts and I'll see you next time.
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