Return to 50 Webs
Disclaimer#1: All images, characters and material is (C) 1990/1991 Walt Disney Company and is being used without permission. The web master has made sure that no money was made in the creation of this web page and that all material used here is used with the up most affection and respect to the Walt Disney Company and the Tale Spin Team.
Disclaimer#2: The views expressed here are solely the views of the web master and no one else. The web master has no intentions to change anyone's minds about a particular subject and respects the views of the viewers. Comments about this and other editorial can be E-Mail at email@example.com or signing the Cloudkicker guest book.
Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil
Kick Out/Kick The Habit Rant
Forget Kick's habit; How about DTVA's contempt for quality?!
Welcome kiddies to my special attraction known as Easter Sadism Month. This is where I rant on a show that is considered by the hardcore as equal to the Agony Booth. It's the show that Maxie Zeus on Toonzone called Lame Ass. So lame that he didn't even know the names because they were so forgettable that making up sarcastic names would have yielded better results. Welcome to the Sadism Jungle of Doom Clarence “Kick” Buttowski; you are the Suburban Daredevil. And now I'm almost ready to bring the Cloudkicker zombie back from the dead, Manos style in order to exact revenge on this Super Dave Osborne wannabe. ……...Almost.
I believe this is the first short since the pilot episode that I have ranted on that features Brad Buttowski VS. Kick Buttowski in some epic struggle. I have seen the last four minutes of this and I can only shake my head about all this. I shouldn't be surprised as this is clearly in the early Kick Buttowski episode area. Then it's another day; another short in the world of the vainglorious bastard as Kick faces the ultimate challenge: Not being a daredevil for 24 hours; or risking a lifetime of military school. That seems hardly a fair deal for me though. So does Kick succeed in getting my goat; or does his show end? Well; let's rant on shall we...?!
Kicked Out is written by Nate Knetchel. Kick The Habit is written by David Shayne & Mitch Larson. Mitch debuted in 2005 with Frijolito Go! Yeah; I don't get it either. He moved on to writing Growing Up Creepie, My Gym Partner's A Monkey and Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. That is it for him..As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.
Opening Moment #1: The title card shows one of the most vainglorious moments in history as Gunther and Kick plant their crappy Kick Buttowski flag against a black background. And they are in blood red shadow. I have now accepted that the blood red is a motif for this series and thus SBS&P should step in right now and cancel this show ...FOR THE GOOD OF DTVA dammit!
Kick Out: We begin this one with a sky shot of Mellowbrook and there are two seperate explosions (WHAT?!) on the streets and then we cut to a fence to see Kick break through with the steering wheel. For goodness sakes; is ANYTHING in Mellowbrook UP TO CODE?! And then we go gray and we get the IRON AIR FARCE JACKHAMMER OF DOOM saying crash on it. Then we return to color as tires and wood sticks with Gunther practicing the fine art of not being seen as we cut back to Kick destroying an innocent barrier and sign and he tumbles and rolls and then sides right on the side of his face toawrds the cliff. He stops about five inches from the edge and then jumps back as the cliff suddenly breaks from itself (with Kick's weight? Riiiiggggghhhhtttt.....) and falls. Kick then does the double devil pose and the ground cracks from underneath his feet (Riiiiggggghhhhhhttttt) and Kick gets WARNERED~! Sadly; since BS&P cannot allow the main character to die (despite the fact that Jackie is the most monster over and therefore this show would benefit from Kick's death), Gunther grabs him from off-screen as we see him with his extended as the screen turns light blue and we jackhammer the friendship bit in. Even the creators of Fairly Oddparents would blush from this scene. Gunther pulls him up and Kick does his devil pose complete with up yours pose; so the cliff decides to be evil and logic breaking again by crumbling (at least with Gunther's fat ass; this is plausible) and both kids get WARNERED~! Gunther even bugs his eyes out for a rare nice touch to the proceedings as they tumble down with the cliff making a ramp and the kids taking wussy bumps along the way before diving off the ramp and Kick gets dumped into the waste while Gunther takes a really sick bump off his head from Kick's helmet. Sorry Gunther; I'm not impressed with that bit of showing off.
Gunther looks up as they are at the construction bridge from Snowpocalypse (and Father From The Truth) and I ask how in the world did the pond freeze with all that toxic green waste as the water. Seriously; where is the CONTINUITY....Oh wait; there is no such thing in a Flash cartoon. My mistake as usual. Gunther panics like mad from being stuck with no food as Kick does nothing but smile in a contrived matter. Gunther even points out the vultures on the quick left pan shot before continuing his pointless panicking. Gunther is cold as he prays and drops down on Kick dunking him. Okay; that was pretty funny as Kick pops from Gunther who is face down in the toxic waste (Look; I know that I should be outraged; but the banes of outrage were in this series long ago and everyone who was offended has left long ago. Outrage only works if someone else cares what you think.) and proclaims that this is it. I just knew Kick would insult Michael Jackson somehow.
Gunther pops up and looks confused as we go to a shot of the area and it's clear filled with hazards and jumps. And of course just to jackhammer the point home the screen turns green and we get some more iron Air Farce Jackhammering of doom on jumps this time. Then we see a cement pipe of toxic waste and the screen turns red and it shows Halfpipes jackhammered this time. Then Kick proclaims that it's the ultimate hangout as we get a shot of underneath the bridge and the jackhammering happens again. See this is why I hate this: It's clear what Kick is using them for without this nonsense of putting words to force the point and all the jackhammering does is prove that the writers believe that children are retards. If you are a parent who likes this show ask yourself this question: Do you like the fact that the show is basically telling your child that he/she is a retard? If so; then that tells A LOT about you as a human being as much as it does the writers and when that child grows up and realizes what he/she really watched, why should you be surprised when the child REJECTS you?! You basically accepted the writer's premise that your child is a retard. I need a drink.
We then break logic and apparently; the hangout is finished as Gunther points out the wall of posters, and an exercise bike (which Gunther will never use despite using a bicycle to burn off sugar alcohols in Stumped) and a television set that basically smokes itself to death. That is a bad sign for this episode right there as Gunther is giddy for this being the best hideout ever. Yeah; a hideout on a toxic waste area and an incomplete construction bridge area. Which begs the question: Do they really live in Annapolis Royal Nova Scotia (which has a section of highway 101 that was under construction; but was never completed for whatever reason)? Kick proclaims that they are still missing one thing as we get the KB scene changer as we see a shot of Gunther looking concerned as he asks if this the best way to do this. So we zoom out and we see Kick and Gunther on a worn down blue sofa over the edge of the cliff. Seriously; that is what is happening. So Kick jumps on the blue sofa and it goes sliding down the hill, off the cliff ramp and splashes into the toxic waste which goes right into our faces. Whatever guys. The sofa floats to the edge of the hangout and Gunther throws up some toxic waste water like a fountain. EWWWWWWWW! Gunther turns to his left and OH MY GOD. It's Brad Buttowski as he calls them the dillweed brothers. HAHA! About damn time he showed up.
Brad brings in his posse which is a green haired over eyes dude with chipmunk teeth and a blue shirt; along with a brown haired guy wearing 3D-glasses, an orange shirt and striped pants. They want the dillweed brothers off the hangout as Kick proclaims that this is their sofa. So Brad snaps his fingers and we see 3D and Chip Green (I'm calling them that until I get official names although USIMDB has Horace and Pantsy on the episode list) go to the blue sofa and dump Kick and Gunther into the toxic waste. They steal the blue sofa away and place it in their new hangout. Brad stands there proud as Kick calls them out for stealing his hideout. Riiiiigggghhhhtttt Kick. It's really the governments since they were the ones building a bridge and then abandoned it due to lack of money from taxes. Brad blows them off as he goes over to the Kung-Fu poster and rips it off because he doesn't like it looking at him. I hate it to; so Brad is still acting like a babyface evil brother. Gunther gasps as both he and Kick look SHOCKED and APPALLED. Like I give a damn what Kick thinks. Kick orders Brad out; so Brad rips up some tiger posters for fun just to get the Dillweed Brothers more pissed off (and making Brad more and more of a babyface) as Kick and Gunther blitz and we get the FCC FRIENDLY OFF-SCREEN FIGHT OF DOOM and it ends with Kick and Gunther floating out in a trash can. HAHA!
Brad and his babyface squad laugh at the Dillweed Brothers expense as Kick proclaims that they haven't seen the last of Kick Buttowski as they float into the sewer pipe. Sadly for us; this is perfectly true as we go to another scene changer and the storm clouds start coming in We go to the grass cliff on the sky shot as Kick looks on from above and Brad calls this the best hangout ever. Gunther asks how Kick is going to get their hangout back....and then he goes over to a tree and eats langoberries (or lameoberries as mentioned from For The Love of Gunther) and he hiccups and burps with green bubbles present and then farts about three or four times. You know this is an early episode when Gunther stops being likable about halfway through the short. Gunther apologizes for it but Kick wants him to do it again. Oh for the love of life; I wish Kick would stop being so unlikable! So that is exactly what Gunther does because eating and farting lingoberries runs in the family see. EWWWWWWW! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY! So we cut back to Kick as we get the JACKHAMMERING OF DOOM again on the idea part. And then we cut to a shot of a pie as the screen changes pink and it's more JACKHAMMERING OF DOOM. Does the sentence WE F'N GET IT hold any meaning to these writers?! It's Lingonberry (and that is a real berry which looks like a cross between a blueberry and a cherry although the coloring in this show makes it look like a blueberry. There's a logic break if I ever saw one. At least the berry is real and not poisonous though.)
So we go to the KB scene changer and see a jar of green toxic waste being held into the sky by Kick on the zoom out over the unfinished bridge. Whatever guys. Kick opens a manhole cover and Gunther calls this a sneak attack. Kick disagrees because it's all part of his MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN. Gunther uses the fishing rod line and Kick is the bait again as Kick dives down the sewer. We do the Mission Impossible spot with the dillweed with toxic waste jar as Kick notices that Brad is gone. Riiigggghhhhhttttt. So Brad and his 3D Green Chip Posse do the old ambush trick as Brad calls him a dillweed again to amuse me. Brad grabs the TOXIC WASTE JAR OF DOOM and Kick glady lets him have it. If I'm Brad; I would run right now because he is going to be rood feed when this is over. Kick warns him not to open it; but Brad accepts the dare as Kick tugs on the fishing line and is pulled up. Brad opens it and we have the FART NUCLEAR EXPOLSION OF DOOM~! Gunther is on his back with Kick on top of the bridge feeling happy about that lack of class. Brad and his posse run up the hill somehow breaking logic in the process and out of sight. Kick sprays some Fabreeze on Gunther's ass and proclaims that it's theirs again. Yeah; let's do the ultimate heel move to make them leave; that'll get you over Kick. NOT!
So we go to the KB scene changer as we see Gunther lying on the blue sofa enjoying himself. Now this should be the end of the short right there since Kick has defeated his brother in a squash basically. However; we got about six minutes still left in this short so we are going to do some CDS'ing just to make the episode even more unwatchable. Kick repairs the poster and proves my point as he proclaims that there is no time to rest. Gunther does the flashback on Kick showing the part which Gunther's ass was sprayed (like I'm buying that the scene was shown for Kick to say It's ours. Surrrrrrrreeeee!). Kick proclaims that they will be back (and be more babyface than ever.) and he proclaims that they will be ready for them. So we go to the sky shot as there are more storm clouds coming in and it's raining. So we head down to toxic waste level as Gunther is splashing the toxic waste. Seriously; that is what he is doing. We see the bushes ruffling and Brad's foot coming down on a doll which does the stock Mama voice you often hear in cartoons (as per in Molly Coddled) as we get some cuts of Gunther playing from afar and a closeup shot of Brad's attempt at an evil face which is better than all of Kick's emoting; but not saying very much.
Brad practices the fine art of not being seen; but then Kick rises from the toxic waste like some zombie and orders Brad to freeze complete with HAND OF GOD and the red balloon of doom. Brad doesn't sell it at all as then we see Gunther grabbed by 3D and Chip Green in a whiplash jump cut. Yeap; Brad SET Kick Buttowski up. Good for him too. We then go to the flashback to a shot of the toxic water (Huh? Wasn't that lake green with waste when I last saw it?) with Gunther's fugly mug as he splashes it and then we see 3D and Chip Green right beside's Gunther's with their fists set to profits and Gunther surrenders faster than France EVER did. How much of a coward do you have to be to surrender FASTER than France?! Kick asks Brad to let Gunther go; and Brad agrees as long as Kick puts down the balloon or Gunther gets it. Personally; I hope Gunther GETS it. That would be fun to watch compared to this joke of a short thus far. Chip Green and 3D has black balloons as Gunther yells at Kick not to do it. We get the overdramatic struggle of Kick's arm on the red balloon and then it goes limp and the red balloon drops in Powerpuff Girls slow motion.
Brad overshadows Kick with his face reflected on the helmet and he orders dillweed to leave; but Kick refuses without his Gunther. EWWWWWWW! So we get the off-screen FCC FRIENDLY FIGHT OF DOOM and Kick and Gunther sail out towards the sewer pipe in a trashcan like last time. Kick proclaims that he will find him and thus I bet that Brad is back on the revenge list again. So we cut back to the shot of the incomplete bridge and then pan down quickly to see Chip Green wading in the toxic waste along with 3D in the opposite direction. Both of them blow each other off with lame brain jokes (how fitting for them?) to keep their eyes open. This is not funny guys. We then see the EYES OF DOOM behind them; and Chip Green gets kidnapped by Kick Buttowski (like I'm buying that it's anyone else). According to 3D; the guy's name is Horace as he notices on the zoom out that Horace has disappeared. So by the process of elimination; 3D guy is Pantsy.
Horace is voiced by Greg Cripes who started with Sonic Underground and Rocket Power in 1999. He was on MDs as Tanner, Peacemakers as Will Johnston and Atlas in Astro Boy 2003 edition. He's best known as Beast Boy from Teen Titans, Butter from One on One, and Kevin in Ben 10. Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go as Chiro is his DTVA debut and has appeared on WITCH as Caleb. He also appeared in The Onion Movie and his most recent credits are Vile, And They Are Off and Back from Iraq. As for Pantsy he is voiced by Harland Williams who starred as a cameo in Ellen and the movie Dumb & Dumber in 1994. He went on to Simon as Simon Himple, and did movies such as Down Periscope, Rocketman, Wag The Dog, Half Baked, as Newton in Ned's Newt, There's Something About Mary, The Whole Nine Yards, Sorority Boys, Family Tree, Gary & Mike as Mike and Meet The Robinsons as Carl. Kick Buttowski is his DTVA debut. He also wrote Comics, Child Wild and the upcoming Route 66 movie. Heel! and Dahmer Vs. Gacy (as God) is his most recent credits.
Pantsy takes a few more steps and then gets bagged and raised by Kick Buttowski and Gunther. We then cut back to the blue sofa as Gunther is doing Brad's toenails. Ummm; yeah. Brad kicks him away and Gunther takes some really wussy bumps in the process as Brad blows him off for being too smooth. Wait a minute?! I thought Gunther was DUMPED with Kick when they floated away?! Ah; forget it! It's not worth trying to explain the Sara Palin universe logic of this show. Gunther pleads for mercy as Brad yells to do it right and then his hand gets mud bombed. Why doesn't that surprise me?! And here comes the vainglorious bastard to destroy Brad Buttowski's babyface heat. In other words; so Brad has no heat left. Brad calls out for Horace and Pantsy; but there is no dice to be had as Kick proclaims that it's time to kick Buttowski. In an amazing shock; there is no jackhammering the point home this time; only Kick using the fist. So Brad invokes the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE and ropes Gunther and throws him right into Kick as they have a meeting of the mind. And it wasn't at the anti-toxin center. Kick backs up as Brad does the GUNTHER SPIN-O-RAMA OF DEATH (which is the most entertaining spot of the short right there) and Kick jumps and lands on Gunther's ass and slides down and grabs onto Kick. Kick yells at Gunther to go and Gunther runs around and Brad gets tied up. Brad cannot move and he falls into the toxic waste (and the waste splashes onto the screen again just to annoy me).
Kick proclaims that he has won as he and Gunther are about to slap skin; but here comes Horace and Pantsy as Horace blows them off for bad knot tying in loser school. Needless to say; Kick and Gunther are seriously (insert swear word here) as we get the third off-screen FCC FRIENDLY FIGHT OF DEATH of the short. That is just peachy. We then cut to a closeup of Kick's fugly mug (which is even uglier than usual) as he sees his and Gunther's clothes used as a flag and we zoom out to see Kick and Gunther are only in their underwear. So we have Kick nude in 4 of 5 shorts already in the order of appearance in this series. Gunther wants to quit; and I don't blame him. This beatdown is the ultimate beatdown and no one recovers from that type of beatdown. Kick of course doesn't want to until he destroys Brad's heat. Okay; I made up the destroy part; but that is what will happen if Kick succeeds. Kick wants to fight for some meaningless things as Gunther basically sezs the only smart thing in that speech in that his ass is wet.
So we cut to another sky shot of the hangout with the rain pouring down and the thunder clapping. We then return as Pantsy is riding on the exercise bike in the toxic waste while Brad and Horace watch on from the blue sofa. Come to think about it; 3D and Chip Green sounds a million times better than Horace and Pantsy. Horace and Pantsy want to leave; but Brad refuses to do so because it stinks here; but Kick winning stinks even more. It may sound pointless; but I'm taking Brad side of things because he's right in that sense. And then we hear a horn blowing off in the distance as the babyface heels notice on the cliff Kick and Gunther wearing helmets, balloon bomb belts and someone has the Kick Buttowski flag. We get the double spilt screen Z-Grade closeup of face of doom to force the point even more. Even worse; the flag looks like a raven Nazi. Gunther is on drums and has a headband. Ummm; whatever Gunther; you are still not cool at this point. Kick threatens Brad with the ECHO OF DOOM as Gunther brings out his ANICENT HORN OF DEATH as Gunther threatens to use his Norway Vikings on them. Can you smell the Deux Ex Machina finish coming; or do I have to spell it out for ye?!
Brad and company laugh their asses off as Kick blows off Gunther because awesome wins war; not horns. Too bad Kick and Gunther don't know the meaning of the word awesome. Then again; they don't know the meaning of most words anyway. Gunther tries to explain to Kick about the horn; but gets mud bombed right in the kisser and is knocked out on the cliff. Yeah; we start three against one so Kick can basically send what little goodness is left in this short down the crapper. The horn slides down the cliff somehow and off the ramp and onto the hangout floor. Gunther screams badly as the babyface heels laugh their asses off again. Again; how can I boo these guys when Kick and Gunther are SO unlikable?! So we cut back to the cliff as Kick and Gunther use their Spiderman lines to scale down the cliff. Ummm; whatever guys. I just want this short to end. They drop back to back in the toxic waste and undo their lines and then scatter behind the rocks. Brad orders Pantsy to cover the plank and ironically enough both Pantsy and Horace do just that. Isn't that kind of overkill there Brad?
We get a shot of the toxic lake and then the triangle spilt screen with Kick and Gunther nodding. Ummm; whatever guys. So we see them running towards the hangout and then we get a shot of about 25 balloons flying towards the heels as Brad tells Horace to look out as Pantsy and Horace duck behind the trench and Horace (who is wearing a helmet now that isn't Kick's to begin with) taking out those black mud balloons. The balloon bombs fly as Horace gets up and throws back as Kick and Gunther dodge all. Gunther goes to his balloon bombs; so Pantsy counters with the mud shovel (Hmmm...); but Kick counters with the trash can lid. Ummm; yeah this is going to be a squash as Gunther looks cool in the uglist manner possible. Still classier than his farting/burping spot earlier in the short. Double thumbs up ensues as they jump onto the rock back to back and fire machine gun style balloon bombs. It's nice to know that these two losers like colors; I do too which proves that colors don't make you over, character does. The heels duck including Brad despite every balloon bomb missing by a mile. Sadly; they run out and they are forced to reload. HA! Brad calls them out and orders Horace and Pantsy to counterattack. So we see Horace and Pantsy using the blanket to slingshot mud bombs into the air and Kick is forced to stop reloading and uses the trash can lid to counter. Damn you Kick Buttowski!
So we go to the opposite shot as Gunther goes all Greg Manson on us (WHAT THE HELL?!) as even the blue dog balloon gets a orange jackhammer aura border on itself (for goodness sakes...UGH!). Kick jumps up as Gunther jumps over the rock and throws the blue doggie bomb of doom as it lands on the hangout floor to a squeak sound. Brad and company pop up and laugh their asses off as Brad's heat laughs away with it. If you cannot guess what happens next; you have no business reading this rant. Yeah; A can of Cheetah Chung sucks up the tailpipe complete with tiger growling sound and then it blows up as Kick fires the FCC FRIENDLY ARROW OF DOOM from his bow and it hits the dog and the thing explodes off-screen with a far shot of Kick's ass as the toxic waste flies into the air on impact. Whatever guys. More jump cuts in slow motion as the heels fall down and Brad grabs some mud and weakly throws it and that somehow manages to hit Gunther on the way down and we get the slow motion drop on the back spot. Oh come on guys; that is just lame! Kick surfs on his trash can lid yelling at Gunther as Kick doesn't look where he is going and grazes the floor and flips over Brad and slides down onto the hangout cement floor spreading more toxic waste on it like blood. Again; whatever guys.
So Brad, Horace and Pantsy (Pantsy is wearing the Nazi helmet natch) walk down with the purpose of MURDERING the dillweed (Hey; if you are going to rip off Beavis and Butthead; rip off their best insults and dillweed is a great insult.) as they have their fists set to profits. Brad calls for last requests to Mr. Dillweed as Gunther yells at him to blow the damn horn. Kick notices the turned up horn in the corner as Gunther sinks below the toxic sludge to his Kenny-equse doom (at least I hope it is the case). So Kick jumps towards the HORN OF DEUX EX MACHINA and blows it much to Brad's anger. Kick stops blowing and nothing happens of course as Brad laughs his ass off again. Brad then grabs Kick and if you cannot guess what happens next; then you do not understand what Deux Ex Machina means. Let's just say the entire Viking army comes out, MURDERS the heels and be done with it; okay. What a stupid assclown finish that was?! There was no build up to the horn and it makes Kick and Gunther look weak ass. To make matters worse; Brad makes himself even worse by having him and the heels go into the trash can and leave before they can get MURDERED; just to weaken the weak finish even more. I club BS&P!
So we get the KB scene changer as it is AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we pan down with Kick, Gunther and the entire starting lineup for the Norway Vikings Football team (Europe or American? Does it really matter?) enjoy their victory. I show great anger and vengence for Brad losing what little heat he had left. Kick thanks Gunther for the war horn as Gunther explains that it's a dinner horn as they come around for a great feast. Kick asks what they eat and if you said lagonberry pie then you win the no prize and no chance in hell of writing for the new Disney. Kick is shocked (REALLY Kick?) as we get a shot of the Earth and we get the second nuclear fart of the short. Yeap; we are ending on THAT note folks at 10:40 approx. Yeah; this short sucked and Brad's heat even as a babyface is gone after this crappy episode as well. DUD (0%).
Opening Moment #2: The title card is a skateboard with a no smoking censor over it put in a black background. That's not fair to the skateboard to take this kind of punishment. I would rather have Kick's fugly mug splattered behind that censor. It would be more fitting.
Kick The Habit: We begin this one with a far shot of the Mellowbrook street as a paperboy is riding on a bike throwing newspapers, birds fly into the air and a sprinkler turns on. Then we jump cut to the sidewalk with Kick Buttowski on his skateboard which surprises me since he usually walks in the street in this series. He does a simple jump over the trash; tags the flag on the mailbox and then falls into the trashcan, rolls into the house and stops right in front of something. Kick calls that awesome. I call this idiotic and Harold seems to agree with me as he wants that real talk with his son after all. I see Glenn (from Not Without My Cereal), Mouth's dad (from Father From The Truth which makes Harold a bit hypocritical here), Denise, Brianna, Brad, Mr. Vickie and some lady with glasses on and a carrot nose. See Harold thinks Kick's stunts have gotten a little bit out of control. If he is talking about being crappy then I agree with him. Of course Kick basically makes himself look worse by questioning Harold's context of little bit as we go to the flashback and see Kick skateboarding in Mellowbrook Mall drowning Mouth's dad, then it's Kick screwing with the conveyer belt and Glenn's fragile ego, and Kick taking a MAN-SIZED bump into Oscar the dressed up dog, then into Mr. Vickie's hedge with the SCOOBY DOO SNOW ANGEL spot and then bumping into Brianna's lemonade stand with a sick bump.
Okay; I can see why Brianna is so pissed off and maybe even Mr. Vickie; but the rest suck along with Kick; so he's only two for five in the annoying department. By the way; since that lady is walking Oscar The Dressed Up Dog that means the lady with the carrot nose in question is Mrs. Chicarelli (zero relation to the fat lady in Not Without My Cereal) who is voiced by Mindy Sterling. Mindy started with BJ & The Bear in 1979 and did various roles for On The Television. She appeared in both Austin Powers movies as Frau Farbissina, How The Grinch Stole Christmas 2000 edition as Clarnella and Isis Clark in Drop Dead Gorgeous. The Replacements is her DTVA debut although she was on That's So Raven on Disney television before hence. She also appeared on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody as Sister Rose and Mrs. Gumplestock in American Dragon Jake Long. She is most known as Ms. Endive in Chowder and Ms. Biggs in iCarly. Her most recent credits are the Dick Tracey Special, Mars Needs Moms and The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation. She has over 100 credits and did soundtrack for the pilot episode of Family Ties in 1982.
Harold calls him out because Kick is so evil that he did all this in one morning while Kick keeps his "up yours" pose. This is MUCH worse than rolling your eyes at authority. At least with rolling your eyes; it takes less effort and sometimes the adult authority is acting in a BS fashion. Not so here at all. Kick makes it even worse by smiling at the camera just to piss me off even further. Harold and Denise have made a difficult decision and in comes Colonel Payload who is basically an American Human version of Colonel Spigot. Or basically that officer in the Johnny Test episode where Johnny and company did some whacky street racing. Oh goody! I love this. Kick is going to military school; he needs it a lot more than Bart and Lisa Simpson did. Sadly; I think a certain dillweed spewing evil brother came up with this idea. Also; I have no idea who is voicing Colonel Payload right now. Kick asked who's lame idea this was and we get the Z-Grade Martial Arts Widescreen Zoom in of doom on Brad of course and calls him a loser. So Brad has officially lost the rights to call Kick dillweed I see. Colonel Payload goes over with the stick of fear and points it at Kick proclaiming that he's out of control. I guess the "up yours" pose is officially being out of control. Works fine by me. Kick proclaims that a habit is something you cannot control....And he proves it by having Gunther come magically OUT OF NOWHERE and he farts. Oh lord; why does early Gunther test me so?!
Kick then proclaims that he can quit doing stunts anytime he wants to and Brad calls him out on it because he cannot go one hour without doing one. Kick raises the stakes and claims that he'll ban himself from doing any stunts for a 24 hour period. He does one stunt; he goes to military school, if he doesn't do one in 24 hours then it proves that it's not a habit and therefore he doesn't go to reform school. And just to break more logic and reason; the red haired cowboy shows up just as the adults, Brad and Brianna groan when Harold and Denise accept the terms. This is hardly a fair trade in my view and breaking habits usually involves not doing it at all for the rest of your life. Colonel Payload shows him the DEED OF DEATH as he yells about behavior and crew cuts. I don't think we have to worry about that last one since Kick has no hair. Kick then goes up to his room claiming that he is doing no stunts at all. None whatsoever. Then he returns and skateboards on the stairs and crashes. Ummmm; hello. He already LOST the bet RIGHT THERE folks. Kick then claims that he starts right now and walks up. Ummm; too late, you lost the bet and the short should be over and Kick should be facing a year in reform school. Naturally; Harold is too dense to notice the obvious and lets it go. Yeah; I accepted the fact that in new cartoons, parents are always idiots. Not that the old cartoons didn't have idiot parents; but at least some of them rose above the idiot at times. Harold proclaims that the 24 hours begins now as we zoom out of the window and towards a clock tower at 11:40 am. Why not put it at 12 noon when it would make even more sense and not look complex? It's not like the writers have changed their minds on children being idiots or anything. So we also jackhammer the point with the London bells gonging, blood red background and the words 24 hours to go.
So we return to color reality (no, not really) with the ultra cheap clock background of doom (at least this one fits) as we see Gunther in his room (or Kick's room) looking at his watch. Gunther proclaims that he has lasted eight minutes thus far and then he looks concerned as we see Kick behind a dresser shaking like he is freezing to death complete with Hanna Barbara teeth chattering sound effects. Kick looks like he's in a panic as we get some more jackhammering blue background with the blue skateboard and the words Ol'Blue in black letters. And naturally Kick sezs it. It's not enough just to say it; we must stoop to Fairly Oddparents level of cheapness. Then more jackhammering as Kick sees jackhammered yellow aura with a ramp (said and shown in black letters with the exclaimation point having an x instead of a period for goodness knows what reason); then more jackhammering with red roller blades as this is getting really absurd already. Even the goldfish bowl isn't spared from the cheapness; and neither is the word stunts either. Oh god; this episode is already in negative star land and we aren't even three minutes into this thing. Did I just say....? Ah; forget it, Three Minute Warning is dead. Get over it Mr. Weagle and move on.
Kick pulls on Gunther's shirt and orders him to get rid of his gear and Gunther sells it as Gunther throws all of Kick's belongings into the trash can as Kick stands there doing absolutely nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING! We then cut back to Kick inside his room as it is empty (minus an American rug) as Brad comes in and invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH telling him that he will fail and he'll change his room into his version of Muscle Beach. So we force the point even further with the nightmare dream of doom as we see Brad working out with 500 pound dumbbells in his new gym (check the gym gear) as two bikini girls (wearing matching red bikinis natch, one has blond hair, one has brown hair) talk to him right on the dumbbells. That is the first good thing in this short I should point out. I'm guessing those are the girls from the Binkini Lumberjack Channel that Brad's parents banned him from watching. Brad's one armed lifting puts Mark Henry to complete and utter shame; and Brad is about 1/4 the size of Mark. I guess Bikini Lumberjack is a codeword for Larson and Gary's new informercial. Brad thinks it is the spandex and really that is quite plausible as we return to reality (no, not really) as Brad has the kissy face on full blast. How can Brad be a jerk when he's likable (albeit heatless) and Kick IS the real jerk?
Gunther calls him out because Kick is too strong see. Gunther then notices Kick is gone out the window and Gunther goes over to the front of the house and sees Kick throwing stuff out of the trash can causing Gunther to panic. Well; at least they used a different angle unlike in Stumped which looked completely recycled from The Wuzzles. Gunther calls him out like a dog as Kick grabs the skateboard and growls. Ummm; whatever guys. Gunther comes out and grabs Kick by his ass (!!!) and set him down like a growling dog. Gunther orders Kick to hand it over and we break logic and reason again by having various stunt object magically appear in Kick's hands. Kick growls and gives the magical items to Gunther. Gunther still wants all of it as we see the blue skateboard stuffed inside Kick's suit as he is whistling. Whatever guys. So we head back to a shot of the clock tower as it is now exactly two pm (2 hours 15 minutes after the bet began); which at least proves that Kick can last twice longer than Brad predicted. What a way to further bury Brad eh Kick?! And then just to make this episode even more moronic; we break total logic and reason by stating that there is 19 hours left in the bet on the jackhammered red background. Ummm; check your internal logic there guys. It's 2:00 pm and the bet started at 11:45 am. So Kick has exactly 21 hours and 45 minutes left. I've heard of writers not doing the research; but these writers CANNOT do math nor read a clock properly. This is truly Sara Palin's universe. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....
So we head to the lawn as Gunther has a tire pump and he is pumping air into something. We zoom out and we see Kick inside a gaint ass sized boy bubble tied down with stakes as Gunther proclaims that this should keep Kick out of trouble. I know BS&P seems to hate little kids tied up nowadays; but wouldn't tying Kick Buttowski up make more sense? Besides; his voice is so miscasted that I see him as a midget adult; so that cannot be against BS&P; or has Kit Cloudkicker's past finally caused the slippery slope logical fallacy to not be a fallacy? Kick loves it as it's like the Hell in The Cell (Or Hell Trouble In The Beach Bubble as Dusty Rhodes would say); and he loves the view as we see that the duo is really at the cliff of Dead Man's Drop (how symbolic for this show?). Gunther isn't so sure about this as Kick asks about control and Gunther states that this isn't it and he wants to be cautious. That allows on the zoom out the ropes to break and Kick does some hamster rolling down Deadman's Drop! Well; I knew this couldn't last, but I doubt anyone will see Kick doing the hamster roll stunt because they are morons beyond belief. The bubble rolls off the stone ramp and pops right into the storage trunk of the military truck as Colonel Payload comes out from the front seat and talks about crew cuts with the big ass shears. Now this episode should be over; so the entire sequence pulls a Spongebob Trick Of Doom and we are back on the cliff as if nothing had happened other than Kick looking panicky. Okay; first of all, the whole crew cut joke would be funny if Kick had any hair to show and second, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? That last sequence looked like something Peter Griffin would do in Family Guy only in silence. So Kick orders Gunther to get him the hell out of there so Gunther overpumps and the bubble explodes folding up his hair. Whatever guys as Kick walks stage right with the up yours pose.
So we do the clock scene changer and return with a shot of the clock face as it's...12:25 pm?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS CITY?! CAN'T IT TELL TIME PROPERLY?! To make matters worse; the logic breaks as we go to the jackhammered blood red background and it's 15 hours left in the bet. Except if the logic held true then in reality it would be 8:45 pm if the logic was correct; and even if we went with the 19 hours; it should be 6 pm (even if I got the time wrong; it would show 4 pm which would still be wrong). For goodness sakes; there is ZERO CONTINUITY in this short. We then return to the sidewalk as Kick is now wearing the giant ass CPU JETPACK OF STUPIDTY as Gunther explains that his parents gave it to him when he was smelling his finger. Like I'm supposed to buy that Mangus and Helga from Viking country would use the latest technology. This short is the definition of writing anything and seeing if it sticks. And naturally Gunther smells his hands which is classier than Mr. Whiskers smelling his feet; so whatever Gunther.
Kick wants Gunther to test him so Gunther reveals Kick's skateboard as Kick tries to grab it; but the big ass device shocks him. I can see Flash cannot do the DALEK X-RAY OF DEATH; which has got to be devatasting to the future of an animated Doctor Who on Flash. Or maybe not. Kick lands on his face and then gets up as Kick declares it good work on Gunther's part. And here comes Brad blowing off Kick for somehow lasting about nine hours as Kick proclaims that cracking is for the weak. Unless it's tickling; then it's self-preservation. Brad then decides to go evil invoking the big ass black skateboard of doom. Okay; that skateboard looks pretty cool and is a complete waste to be on this programme. Kick tries to resist as the shockwaves help him as Brad then overkills it by showing the magically out of nowhere sinkhole and ramp in the middle of the street. Kick walks forward as Gunther pleads for Kick not to give into adreadline as Brad wags the ultra cool skateboard in his face. Kick resists it though and it's too much as the CPU JETPACK OF STUPIDITY explodes and everyone goes blackface (THAT'S RACIST!) and the skateboard crumbles to ashes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That skateboard was so damn innocent! DAMN YOU TO HELL KICK BUTTOWSKI!
Gunther grabs Kick; does the hot finger test spot and then drags him away towards the corner as Brad is pissed and everyone who is against Kick Buttowski's dangerous stunts (minus Brianna) arrives to blow him off because Brad is intentionally trying to get Kick into reform school. Finally; we have some heelish stuff going on here; but Brad has zero heat and the rest cannot play heels to save their lives. Brad tells them that he can handle it and he has one more trick up his sleeve. So we cut back to Kick and Gunther behind the wooden fence panting. Gunther thinks that Kick has gotten over the stunts part; but Kick's wide eye glance at Gunther isn't helping matters for him at all. Then again; I still hate Kick Buttowski, so who gives a damn?! Kick calls Gunther Lou as Gunther is confused and of course Kick appears to be dellusional as Gunther turns into his blue skateboard. So Kick drops Gunther on his chin and uses Gunther's ass as a skateboard to slide across the sidewalk. Ummm; yeah whatever guys. So we suddenly get some storm clouds and thunder as we get another shot at the Food -N- Fix sign which apparently has changed again from Snowpocalypse. We head inside as the door slides open and we see Gunther dragging Kick in like Kick is in invalid. That means that we are going to see Wade again for the first time since Father From The Truth (for rant purposes of course). We then see Wade at his desk counter with his feet up as he tells Kick not to worry because he is going to teach Kick the way of Wade....and naturally we jackhammer it with some Hawaiian background with a blue/green tinted wave behind the white letter which read the way of Wade. Now that is some impressive jackhammering there guys.
So we cut back to Wade and Kick as Wade invokes lesson number one of THE WAY OF WADE: Smelling an apple refresher sticker. Ooooookkkkkayyyyyy Wade. Kick feels refreshed and calm on that one as we cut to the hot dog grilling machine as Wade invokes lesson number two of THE WAY OF WADE: Kick rolls on the hotdog grilling machine while Wade makes a hot dog for himself. Believe it or not; this is the most entertaining sequence of the entire short which shows how stupid this short really is. We then go to the SCENE CHANGER OF DOOM as we see Wade put his feet back onto the desk and proclaims that it's time for the final lesson of THE WAY OF WADE: It's the most important as he must know when to Kick back. In other words; sit down and do absolutely nothing. In other words; be boring. This might actually be a GOOD thing for Kick Buttowski. Kick struggles on his blue chair; but lays back like Wade and likes it....and now we go back to crappy again....
So we head to the clock tower shot and it's 11:30 am the next day which techincally means that Kick should have exactly ten minutes left to win the bet. However; the jackhammered red background of doom proclaims that Kick has exactly one hour left. WHAT THE HELL?! Never mind; I gave up trying to explain the logic of this short as we REPEAT THE ENTIRE SEQUENCE from the beginning of the episode up until we see Kick walking on the sidewalk looking like a happy vainglorious bastard. So then we see Mrs. Chicarelli walking Oscar The Dressed Up Dog showing Kick a pair of red roller blades. Kick doesn't sell and rolls like a log away proclaiming that Kick will do it later. Oooookkkkkayyyyyy. Kick rolls back up near the fountain and walks stage right with the up yours pose. However; Mouth's dad (complete with segueway) shows up with a fireball-equse skateboard because he know Kick wants to do it. However; Kick sniffs the air fresher; blows off Mouth's dad and walks stage right. At least this is classy and dull; rather than straight up offensive. Finally; here comes Brad to block Kick's path as he blows him off for having this one in the bag and calling him dillweed. It's too late to save this short Brad; just pack it in and let Kick Buttowski win.
Brad proclaims that he still has three minutes left (How fitting that Brad Buttowski actually has the best accurancy of time in this entire short; but the writers aren't even close?) as Kick dares him to try something. So Brad and Brianna show him a vandalized military truck from Colonel Payload of course (complete with the flashback of Colonel Payload repeating what the truck is at the Mellowbrook Mall to force the point); which of course shows that Brad Buttowski is a thief, a vandalizer (like I'm buying that Brianna did all that herself) and a teenager who drives without a license. Kick tries to resist; so Brad grabs Kick and throws him into the military truck front joystick. So Brad proclaims that he has already started it up and Kick only has to push the right red button to let go of the parking brake, lose the bet and go to reform school being framed as a thief. Well; now Brad is acting like a jerk. Too bad he has no heat to warm up a bagel at this point. More jackhammering on the clock tower and Brad's laughing as it seems over for Kick Buttowski (and I'm cheering for him to do it so I won't have to see his fugly mug anymore). However; we then hear Gunther's voice and oh crap; please don't let Gunther succeed. I beg of you! Kick continues to sweat bullets as Brad comes over to Gunther and blows him off for ruining his chance to have an awesome Muscle Beach room while Gunther blows him off for screwing his awesome friendship. I'm taking Brad side here in spite of the lack of heat to melt an ice cube here.
And of course the military truck finally drives away stage left in a plume of smoke (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH, MOVIE RATING AND THE NEW DISNEY IN GENERAL!) as Brad laughs it up thinking he's won as he walks away to lather himself. Gunther sobs for Kick and it makes Doofus sound like a real kid. Seriously; Brian Cummings has NOTHING on Gunther's acting; or lack of it. None whatsoever. Now if you cannot guess what happens next; you have no business reading this rant. The smoke clears and there is Kick Buttowski sitting down next to the tree looking like the vainglorious bastard that he is. I did see the finish and ending before ranting on this; so I knew this scene was coming before I even started. As if the next shorts to come after this weren't enough to convince thee. Gunther jumps in mid air with his hat off as the clock strikes noon (par for the course in this short of course) as the jackhammered background is yellow with a red V and the words victory written in white letters. Whatever guys. Gunther is amazed that he resisted; but Kick proclaims that Wade's most important lesson came in handy after all. In other words; doing absolutely nothing. Which is par for the course with Kick Buttowski and thus no character development and no hope for Kick becoming likable.
Gunther calls it awesome as Harold and Denise walk in and tear up the reform school contract as they are proud of him. Well; techincally; he already lost the bet five seconds into it; but the parents are far too dense to notice that, so there you go. Brad then runs in accusing Kick of cheating and then he instantly incriminates himself as the theft and vandalizer of the military truck as Colonel Payload walks in and calls him out on it. Brad claims that he was only barrowing it (which is actually partially true in this case; but whatever); so Colonel Payload pulls him by the ear and they walk off stage right as Payload blows him off for being out of control. Riiiiiggggghhhhttttt. Remind me to get that Colonel dishonorably discharged after this short is over. Gunther taunts Brad some more to keep pace with Kick in the unlikable department. Kick then proclaims that he has some unfinished business to take care of. So we see him skateboarding on the sidewalk just like he did in the beginning of the episode and this time he crashes directly into the trash can as cats scream, double devil poses are done and the background jackhammers orange aura to mercifully end this short at 9:33. This is so far the worst episode I have ever officially ranted on bar none. The scary part is that this is still better than Ducks By Nature and Tasty Paste from Quack Pack! Be afraid indeed. -** (-40%).
THE REVIEW LINE
What can I say? The early Kick Buttowski episodes were a pain in the ass to see and Kick Out was no exception. Jackhammering out of the wazoo; fart jokes that weren't funny, Kick Buttowski squashing Brad like a bug, Cartoon Duck Syndrome writing from the five minute mark on, a silly fight in which only two shots made contact, the deus ex machina finish and a lousy farting ending. In other words; par for the course in lameass fashion and being a vainglorious bastard like Kick Buttowski. Brad may be likable in a sense with his neat dillweed insult; but he's no longer a real threat of any kind to Kick anymore after this performance (more so his coward's way out during the finish)
If you want the absolute low point of the new Disney; I finally found it in Kick The Habit. Kick Buttowski was terrible in this one; but he probably wasn't the most crappiest thing about this episode. The logic of the clock was out of whack throughout the entire short (along with the logic of the episode in general with characters appearing randomly it seems); Brad's attempts to cheat on Kick were sucking badly, Gunther being classless, Colonel Payload was a one joke that didn't catch due to the broken logic and I felt the whole angle of Kick's stunts being out of control was quite lame as Kick didn't seem to cause that much damage. And shouldn't Brianna be the one with the most to hate over Kick since she lost her lemonade stand? Why wasn't there something Kick did to Brad to justify Brad wanting to screw Kick up? There was only one decent scene in the entire short and that was the Food -N- Fix sequence with Wade being classier than usual. I knew this series was for the most part mediocre; but this is when they are on their game. This episode was a literal dressed dog placed over a smelly pile of dog poop. Thank god the Sadism rants for this series are over. (Note From The Future: If only that were true.)
So; that is that for Kick Buttowski until more shorts are on Youtube. Believe it or not; there is some hope for this series as the episodes involving Jackie demonstrated, but the early episodes are so crappy that in any other era; this series would have suffered trap door faster than Quack Pack was. Next up is the TaleSpin re-rants with Plunder and Lightning being revisited with additional notes and thoughts; and then it's From Here To Machinery and Mommy For a Day to finish Disc one of the TaleSpin DVD Volume one set. So.....
Thumbs way the hell down for both shorts and I'll see you next time.
Back to New Disney Rants!
Return to the Rant Shack!
Return to the Unofficial Kit Cloudkicker Homepage!