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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Kickasaurus Wrecks/Battle For The Snax Rant

Reviewed: 10/22/2011

Time For The Perfect Wreck To Screw Itself!

Well; now we can finish Season One of Kick Buttowski and style as there are 14 episodes left. YAY! Oh wait; I mean, D'OH! So our first short features Kick doing a half time show. Seriously. Then the second short features Kick trying to save Gunther from going back to the “Old Country”. Plus; I believe this is our first episode rant featuring Helga too. Well; let's rant on shall we...?!

Kickasaurus Wrecks is written by Mitch Larson, storyboards by Troy Adomitis and directed by Chris Savino. Battle For The Snax is written by David Shayne. He also did the story with Mitch Larson; the storyboards are done by Phillip Mosness, and is directed by Chris Savino. As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.

Opening Moment #1: The title card features a lot of heavy metal colors and red blood. Not a good combo at all.

Kickasaurus Wrecks: We begin this one with a closeup of Kick's skateboard and Kick riding on it with Gunther on top with a lime green helmet on it. Wait; I thought Gunther was afraid of doing stunts with Kick? Kick spins the skateboard and Gunther makes dumb noises and tries to yodel and fails badly. Gunther asks what is next and Kick wants him to get the fuel while he sets the target as they run in opposite directions. So Kick goes into a store (it might be the Food -N- Fix; but who knows since I don't see Wade at the register) and goes to a shelf to buy some Cheetah Chug; but the shelf is too high for him. Talk about a store that has no dignity as an old lady grabs one and gives it to him. Now Kick is offended: Not because she helped him because that would be stupid and dumb, but she called Kick a shrimp. What? That's the worst insult they could come up with? I would have called him a moral midget; that usually gets people's dandruff's up. So Kick isn't amused as he goes to the counter and puts the bottle up. The guy notices the bottle; but doesn't see Kick because the counter is about a foot taller than Kick and the brown haired man with a brown visor is an idiot. He looks down and Kick tells him he only wants the soda (wait; I thought it was an energy drink that hasn't been approved by the FDA?) and the guy chuckles and calls him a shrimp; which prompts Kick to grab his uniform and give him the eye contact violence while blowing him off. The guy rings in the soda and calls Kick in roundabout terms thin-skinned. I agree. I can fully understand if he was being called a midget retard; but a SHRIMP?!

So we cut to outside as Kick straps the bottle of FDA unapproved "soda" onto the skateboard as he waxes about having his life violated by being called shrimp. But soon that will all change as a brown haired lady with a candy cane striped mid riff shirt and a black skirt claims that Kick is Gunther's baby brother which Gunther denies. HA! If only madam; if only. She calls him cute which Kick blows off. What the hell Kick? She didn't even call you shrimp this time. She was mistaken about you being Gunther's brother, but Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick; you are so thin-skinned and unlikable. Then again; I'm working on an early episode and they didn't give into a good groove until Obsession For Kick when Jackie got involved, so there you go. So we shake the bottle on the skateboard, uncork the bottle and we are off to spray Cheeath Chug into the screen; because this show is in your face. And so we play bowling for Trash Cans and cause some cats to scream. No really; I'm as shocked as you are. Kick pops for the carnage and asks about being cute now. No Kick; you aren't cute. Just your stunting is so cute; it gives me diabetes. Or not. Gunther asks if he wants to do more and Kick wants more soda. So we then see both bailing as a limo comes in and makes the cats scream for mercy again. We then see a female chaffeur walking like Adolf Hitler (and almost dressing like Beryln. !!!) open the door and out walks a guy dressed in black with a cowboy outfit and shades; with the beard cut. And a golden tooth in his mouth. Cannot forget that one. We greet and he calls himself Rowdy Remington. I believe I saw him in Mow Money somewhere. Sadly; I cannot tell who his voice is (although USIMDB claims that additional voices were done by Jess Harnell (I haven't done a tribute to him due to the Quack Pack suck factor), Danny Jacobs and Sunil Malhotra who voices Yogi somewhere in these shorts.

Okay; so he has a broken English accent (A cowboy with a Russian accent; didn't we learn anything from Quack Pack and Grumps. No; of course not.) and the guise of his spiel is that Kick is the boy he is looking for since he bought the Mellowbrook Arena Football Team. I didn't realize Kick had such awesome connections with rich folks. We find out that Kick has been selected to coordinate a halftime show and asks what he has in mind. Rowdy claims that Kick is going to be big and Kick's face lights up with fire eyes on the big part. Whatever Kick. Then we go to the dream sequence where Kick rides his bicycle off the ramp, through the uprights and then stands on the handlebars and does the double devil's pose. Pfffttt. Kit Cloudkicker would have this stunt done in three minutes. DID I JUST SAY.....Oh wait, never mind. Everyone of course pops and rips their shirts to form Kick painted on their chests because in Kick's dream world; it's opposite heat day everyday. Kick gets on stage and does the double devil's pose with the rock band who so happens to be called Kick Buttowski. There's Kick's ego in a nutshell. We return to reality (no, not really) as Rowdy tries to snap him out of it; but Kick has fire in his eyes and wants to burn someone. Gunther claims that he's in the zone and pulls on the suit as if it were underwear and snaps it back allowing Rowdy to take a bump off of the flying Kick. Umm; yeah sure whatever Kick. Kick is on top of Rowdy and asks where he signs and we get the out of nowhere pen and 100 page contract of doom.

Kick tries to sign the thing; but Gunther slaps the pen back and takes the contract with his glasses on. So wait; we are supposed to believe that Gunther, a guy who is so dumb that he gets distracted by shiny things now has the articulation of Lex Luger in real life before he got into wrestling. He drops some words which I don't understand and he clearly doesn't because he proclaims that it's all good and Kick signs. Whatever Gunther. And we have red jackhammer background too. So we do the Mellowbrook Garlic Prawns scene changer and head to the arena where the Garlic Prawns make their home (now there is a recipe for such a dish; but no such thing as a Garlic Prawn in the wild.). So Tiger Prawns is copyrighted? By whom? Because whomever named their team by that name is a third class moron. So we zoom out to the parking lot which leads nowhere; so we head into the arena where the arena football players are practicing football. So; the AFL has a cameo in a cartoon. How sad indeed. Oh wait; they are actually playing football as the football splits the uprights and we witnessed them kicking an extra point on the scoreboard. The home squad leads 14-7 as time expires. At least they have a clock in this universe game; unlike in Fish Hooks. Sadly; it only sezs SCORE in yellow background on the tron; despite the team clearly making a touchdown. The crowd pops for it and then we cut to a green door with a star on it as it opens and out comes Gunther wearing a blue collared shirt. Must be causal day today since he keeps the wooden shoes and red baseball cap. He has a clipboard as he goes to Rowdy and his TWIN SQUEEZES OF DOOM (the twin black haired girls with leopard skinned skirts, white shirts and purple bras); as Gunther claims that everything is in order in the dressing room; but wants the grapes replaced with pineapples because Kick likes eating spikes. Oooookkkkkaaayyyy.

Rowdy claims that he'll take care of it and asks where Kick is and here he comes using the same footage from the beginning of the episode; only with a different background. Triple split screen ensues and Kick jumps up and flips the skateboard as he lands on his feet on the ground. Whatever Kick; Kit can float the air foil in mid air for ten seconds in Polly Wants A Treasure. Kick asks who said his name as Gunther claims that there is one detail to iron out on the stunt Kick is doing and Rowdy laughs it off and calls them crazies. So he claps and his chaffeur comes in and slaps a shrimp costume on him. IN YOUR FACE KICK BUTTOWSKI~! See; he's the only person small enough to fit in the shrimp costume. The girls giggles and I admit that this turn of events is pretty funny. Remember this for later on too. Gunther waddles out blowing this off as the football players surround him and mock him senselessly. He rips off the costume and yells with jackhammered red background. And he's gassed too as he runs and invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH on Rowdy because he isn't a shrimp. Considering that he NEEDS Gunther as a stepladder; I am not convinced of that blow off Kick. Kick jumps off Gunther and leaves as Rowdy reminds him of the contract and Kick actually relents....and then walks out away as Gunther tells him to see him at halftime. Yeah; Rowdy just let him leave right there despite it appearing that Kick lied to him.

So we head outside as Gunther asks Kick what he is going to do about this and Kick proclaims that Rowdy wants big and he'll give him big. So we head to Joe's Salvage and Junk Yard. I know this due to the sign on the lower right portion of the screen. And WE HIT THE MONTAGE~! Lots of arc welding, hammering, fire and carrying cars ensue as we head to the scoreboard on the tron as the home team leads 26-7 at halftime (according to the yellow/black screen). I will say this would be better if Mellowbrook was losing the game and somehow Kick manages to make a halftime show that brings the team back from the brink and they win the whole thing. Somehow; I doubt that since I have seen the finish and ending already and the horror, THE HORROR. Anyhow; we cut to Rowdy and his twin squeeze looking on as the football players all run off the field. Rowdy claps claiming that shrimp boy is going to be big as we cut to Gunther at mid-field addressing the crowd. He introduces Kick (with bowtie) and Rowdy likes this; until Gunther introduces Kickasarus Rex and Rowdy is shocked. So we head to the tunnel leading out of the arena as we see lights flashing on in the darkness and the football players all run away back into the arena. How?! Aren't they supposed to be in the dressing room? Anyhow; in comes K-REX who happens to be a machine monster that we already saw about 20 times already in better shows than this one. Rowdy acts as if this is his first time seeing this.

So we cut to Kick inside the head of K-REX as he takes over the controls and fires the flamethrower from it's claws as the crowd is in shock as well. Kick calls THIS a halftime show as he does the double devil's pose with the K-REX and the crowd pops. Like I'm surprised that Kick bought them off. It just isn't special without cars getting eaten by said machine. So Kick uses the tail and brings out from the tunnel about 100 cars and lays them onto the arena floor. Rowdy wonders where the cars came from and Gunther claims that he found them which so happens to be in the parking lot on the next shot as only two cars are left. And one of them has a car alarm. Whatever guys. We continue on with the dumbest halftime show ever as we do the zoom out and then we moonwalk? Then we figureskate and do sucky dance moves. Then we race towards the cars as Rowdy runs in with the contract because they came here to see Shrimp Boy. Kick blows it off of course; because he doesn't know the meaning of the word contract. This is dumb because Rowdy just NOW decides to run in to inform him of that? And; if I was doing this, I would be telling him that those are the CUSTOMER'S CARS and he would be sued if Kick crushes them. That would make more sense. Kick being Shrimp Boy should be the LEAST of Rowdy's concerns at this point.

So Kick doesn't see where he is going and the head rams into the halftime tron and we have thunderbolts much to the crowd's shock and Gunther's awe. Kick is so lazy; he doesn't even cut his biscuits promo and he electricfy in reverse as the lever (WRONG LEVER!) is pushed and the monster is now ALIVE! We breathe some kind of toxic substance that looks like yellow Cheetah Chug as Kick gets thrown up and onto Rowdy with the contract as he takes another sick bump on the ground. So let me get this straight: A monster can throw up; but a human cannot?! Gunther states the obvious for us as we get chaos and mayhem as it grabs Rodeo Clown of Doom's car (gleefully pointed as such by the clown) spins it and eats it. Hey; this thing's better already when Kick cannot control. FREE THE MACHINES~! It can only help free your mind and soul a little bit. Or maybe not. The car is crushed and deposited in front of the football players watching on as Rodeo Clown blows it off. Kick claims that the tron give the K-REX a mind of it's own. YOU THINK! We breathe some fire to waste time and we engulf the cars with flames, everyone scatters, the tron gets thrown down and destroyed; but misses the vendors selling something of note that I don't care to rewind. Logic break: The cars when picked up by the uprights are back to normal despite being sorched earlier. Everyone scatters from the flamming car uprights and we have police whistles and sierns chruning and the girl from Dad's Car returns to bawl like a Peanuts character.

So we cut back to Rowdy as he demands that he stops this madness and Kick decides to do it free of charge as he as he runs in calling for Gunther. Gunther gives him a boost and he jumps up but gets caught by the K-REX with the claw of death. YES! YES! BURN HIM TO ASHES! DO IT FOR THE GOOD OF DTVA DAMMIT! So Kick get flicked into the scoreboard. Ah; close enough. It doesn't kill him sadly as we get more crowds scattering and K-REX is so cool when he's angry. Stomping ensues, flamming cars go flying, hotdog stands get flipped and eaten as Rowdy is in deep trouble now as K-REX wants blood and gore now; and Rowdy is the target of it's desire. Do I care? Ummm, no. Kick wakes up after sliding down the tron and notices K-REX chasing Rowdy in the arena screaming. Gunther wonders what to do and Kick tells him to run interference while he controls the beast again. So Kick runs in and Gunther notices some fibers of colored something and has a Krackpotkin idea. K-REX finally grabs Rowdy and is about to eat him. And then we see Gunther call out K-REX and Gunther has the tape recorder from Deadman's Drop (later used in Fish Sleepover Party) and he's twirling neon rope while dancing shirtless. WHAT THE HELL? No, I'm not offended that he's shirtless, not at all. I'm offended that K-REX is SELLING this despite being a machine. He does make up for it somewhat by breathing smoke into Gunther's face (AND THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR...Ah; forget it, the joke is too dead for this show) and Gunther has become the electric Frakenlady of doom.

Sadly; the whole situation is rendered pointless because Kick gets his attention. Why? So he can do the stunt in his dream silly. That is what vainglorious bastards do. He drives off the rail and goes head over feet and lands into the head of the K-REX. A Bad Reflection On You, Part One, Act III; I'm just saying Kick. Kick sees the keys in the ignition and the K-REX shakes his head allowing Kick to do the whole thing he's good at which is being the bump machine. Then we nod on the split screen and Kick continues to bump. Then it focuses on Gunther who waves; which is enough for Kick to get the keys out of the ignition and stop the K-REX while Gunther scream yodels badly. Sparks fly and Gunther faints on his face. Okay; so this episode despite being a clustermuck hasn't been all that bad actually, with the out of control K-REX providing some fun moments for me as Kick bumps down to the tailsection and opens the trapdoor (Why didn't he consider going through that from the start I wonder?) and pops out and drops out with the key victorious. And then the crowd suddenly teleports OUT OF NOWHERE and throws international objects and boos his out of the building. WHAT THE HELL?! They all came back just to do that? I would have thought they would have left and called their lawyers at this point. Rodeo Clown wants his $12.50 back. It's going to be a lot harder to prove this in court when you come back and throw objects at a kid. Judges are going to consider that.

Gunther goes over and asks Kick what he's going to do and Kick has fire in his eyes and he's going to do something big. So we jump cut to Kick in the shrimp suit dancing at midfield. And the crowd actually stops booing and pops for him. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! You expect me to believe that the crowd suddenly is just going to forgive Kick Buttowski for this. Not only did Kick nearly kill everyone in the arena; he also destroyed their way of getting home. And suddenly; they CHEER HIM?! Oh screw you writers for ruining an otherwise decent episode. What a stupid finish this is?! Rowdy likes it (of course he does; now the crowd cannot sue him anymore) and we pan out to end the episode at 10:20 approx. A surprisely decent short that was screwed up by one the dumbest finishes in history. And to future adults everywhere who watch this: In real life; if this happened, you would be sued out of existance and die peniless in the gutter while the rich guy looks like the damn hero. You would not be booed out of the building and then cheered when you put on the shrimp suit. Lesson of the day: Grow a thicker skin. Unless they use a legit racial, sexual, ethnic or mental health slur. Then you can go full force on them! Call it * 1/4 (25%).

Opening Moment #2: This title card features a spiked mace ball on a stick. If Kick doesn't get beaten to a bloody pulp by it by the end of the short; I'm going to be so disappointed.

Battle For The Snax: We begin this one in the skies with seagulls flying badly in a V-formation and here comes Kick Buttowski to whiz on them of course because he's Kick. Kick has a transmitter and tells himself to adjust the ramp. We freefall and cut to a shot of mattresses on the ground; which we jump cut to a dumpster and Kick falls in it. Geez; how fitting eh?! Kick pops up and makes a note to self to land on softer trash. Because apparently; this trash isn't stinky enough. We get the smell and we discover that Kick landed in the dumpster next to what is called the Battlesnax today. Currently it's called FOOD (the two o's are accented to indicate that the patrons come from the Old Country) which gives away the ending well in advance (although understandable to me since I have ranted on the Battlesnax several times before this) . Think Baloo's Air Service to Higher...For...Hire and you get the picture. So we head inside to lots of fatty foods being made. Well; the Old Country is in a cold place; so it's understandable. So we head to Magnus and Helga preparing food together (and they are such a lovely couple) as Gunther is serving trays of empty plates and glasses and yells at them since lunch is here. Then we see Kick entering (complete with door bell that rings when the door opens) as he talks to a legit viking in Viking gear known as Bjorgen who of course speaks as if he's from the old country. This is the old "Say something no one knows and see if the kids laugh at it" spot. Kick at least has enough sense to ignore it as we see Magnus at the counter as Kick spins on the stool seat (NOT THAT ONE!) and proclaims that he doesn't need a menu. He wants the usual as he puts his white bib on. Magnus uses the microphone and shout something Norwegian into it as Helga walks in with a large steel pot of steaming...stew which Kick smells and falls on his back in relief. Whatever Kick.

And then he spins on his head like a top. I am not impressed Kick. Scrooge McDuck didn't need a helmet to bounce off the table ten times. You are on Gyro's level of insanity. Get over yourself you vainglorious bastard. He howls at the moon and calls the stew the best Norweigan stew in town. Ummm; that isn't exactly a big accomplishment Kick. He likes the lunch rush as we zoom out to the ceiling fan shot and there is no one...AND THE ROCK SEZS NO ONE there. Except for Kick, Bjorgen and the rest. Helga bawls because they have no customers and if this doesn't change soon; they will be to pack up and return to the Old Country, which means Norway. I find the Old Country thing silly since it's CLEAR that they are from Norway because they serve Norweigan soup. Helga squeezes the hanky right into the tear bucket which Gunther gleefully shows up with. Magnus yells for a while and admits that he'll have to close the resturant and move back like a coward much to Gunther and Kick's surprise. I don't really care actually...until I realized how much of an improvement Gunther would turn out to be once Jackie became his lover. Gunther doesn't know what to do now that he might leave his best friend as we go to the dream sequence in the Netherlands (Riiiigggghhhhttttt guys.) as Gunther is pushing a blond haired Dutch boy on a skateboard in front of the windmill and the boy is scared to death. Gunther pushes him off the cliff claiming that he does this all the time. Sure Gunther; sure. We return to reality (no, not really) as Gunther cues the waterworks. Kick wonders what it would be like without Gunther as we do Kick's dream sequence as Kick is on the ramp as he calls to Gunther and Gunther sells. WHAT UNIVERSE IS KICK IN? Kick rides down the ramp and crashes into the ground right in front of a cardboard Gunther with a tape recorder attached to it. HA! Kick pops from the hole in the ground as the tape gets stuck on friends of course and squashes Kick and Kick just has to oversell it. Whatever Kick.

We return to reality (no, not really) as Kick feels bad. I think Gunther is getting the better end of the deal since he's the BULLY this time over Kick. Might as well pack up and leave Magnus; for the good of Gunther and DTVA dammit! Gunther finally cries like a baby because we cannot have the main character of his show looking like a baby even though he has the moral fiber of a slug. And the vikings cry in unison because tough vikings are RACIST right?! Stupid crybaby writers! Kick has had enough and he is not going to lose his best friend and his food while sampling it before it gets cold. Magnus screams that it's too late and yes he has a broken European accent like Grumps. Again; haven't these loser writers learned ANYTHING from Quack Pack? See they return home in two wolf moons (which is 48 hours for those of you counting) as Kick doesn't know what a wolf moon is but he is going to fix this. And then admits that he doesn't know complete with martial arts zoom in. Whatever Kick. We go to the KB scene changer and return to Gunther's house which is grey and looks...normal? We head inside as Gunther and Magnus are packing boxes and moving on out before a doorbell rings. Gunther has the door and opens it; but Kick busts through the wall easily. Dammit guys; CAN'T WE HAVE AT LEAST ONE HOUSE THAT IS UP TO CODE?! Kick claims that he has a Krackpotkin Plan as he proclaims that they want more than just food at a resturant; they want a theme. Gunther ponders this and we do his dream sequence which is Gunther doing disco looking like the Norweigan version of a disco roller blader serving a tray. Ooookkkkayyyy; Gunther is clearly on some illegal substance today. Who gave him the extra strength Cheeath Chug to him? We know that it's still in the testing stage at this point guys!

After some ass dancing from Gunther we return to reality (no, not really) as Magnus is mad as hell....and he talks about midevil armor, torches and such viking culture items. Wait; did he just call the axe that magically appears in his hand, Butter?! I cannot believe it not Margerine. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kick claims that they want awesome as Gunther is still ass dancing. Someone please control that ass; it's getting too close to my face for my mental health. And Kick stuffs the conviently placed Viking helmet on Gunther as Gunther swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (darn). Here's a question that bothers me: Why does everytime glass shatter, a cat screams? I don't get that. Kick claims that they want the trimmings of their barbaric hertiage and Magnus yells because he got insulted by being called barbaric. I have to agree with him; sure he yells a lot, but I have seen barbaric thugs and even Magnus is a wuss compared to those theocrats and their sky daddy. Helga wants to listen to the boy instead and Kick tells them to trust him because this Krackpotkin plan is going to Kick Buttowski. At least they didn't jackhammer it this time as we get a closeup shot of Gunther's viking helmet and we get the Knighthood scene changer and return to the resturant formally known as FOOD and we get the montage Norweigan Style~! With only music to boot. This is very, very sloppy guys as Gunther looks like the fattest pin-up in history. We rise up the big ass battle axe that is iconic to the Battlesnax and we see the extreme makeover of the place as Kick gets on top of the roof and cuts a promo and we finally have the Battlesnax and it's new logo is jackhammered on the screen. Well; this isn't the worst name Kick has come up with; in fact this is one of the better names, because lord knows if I can stand the Jimmy Chugnas from Garage Banned.

The vikings all cheer on the ground as Gunther is now wearing a green viking suit and we go to the scene changer as we get a closeup shot of a sign that sezs Grand Opening. We head inside as Kick and the viking wait for a while and NO ONE comes or gives a crap. HA! IN YOUR FACE KICK BUTTOWSKI! For about one hour as the door opens and in comes a cowboy riding a cow still eating hay. Sadly; he wants Kettle Snacks and Magnus tells him it's two doors down. So we scene change (I see someone was watching The Wuzzles again) and we wait again as the Norweigan clock tick tocks and I sentence Kick's plan to suck my BLEEP~! Ah; Boomer Phillips, the master of dirty catchphrases. And the door opens again to reveal a man with tall legs and white pants to go with them. He wants to buy some stradle slacks and everyone groans as Magnus tells him it's four doors down. At this point; it's clear that Kick has forgotten the one little thing that makes a big difference in opening a new place: ADVERTISE! How hard can it be for Kick to make that mistake since he's supposed to be vainglorious and therefore would toot his horn at every step of the way until you want to punch him in the face. Then another person comes in (a blue shirt fat man) and he wants the bank; making sure to say it as slowly as possible. So Magnus throws Butter into the wall above him to force the point. I see Magnus needs to work on his people skills. At least you cannot blame Kick for that one. The fat man runs away stage left as Magnus admits that this is not working. Kick then proclaims that this is not enough and proclaims that it needs entertainment. How stupid is Kick Buttowski?! The obvious flaw is RIGHT THERE and he doesn't know what he is doing. He must be the evil spawn of Vince Russo's loins. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So we get another scene changer and we have a sign which is the Grand Re-Opening which makes more sense than the first one actually. So we get a narrator (I do not know who voices him here; so don't ask me) as we see inside Kick wearing wooden boots, a sword, a shield and his helmet grew horns. And he squares off against Gunther with a hammer and a wooden shield. Oh wait; it's Magnus on narration as Bjorden gets to bang on the drum all day. As opposed to his normal job?! And they DID manage to snag Mr. Vickie into this as he claps at the table. And we are off to the WORST DINNER THATRE EVER as we get Z-grade effects from Helga and Bjorden. We fight right in front of Mr. Vickie for a while and then onto the counter as Kick kicks Gunther's fat ass (what a shock?!) and then off the counter which he growls...badly. I shouldn't be shocked that Kick's acting is Z-Grade since he watches Rock Callahan Z-Grade movies about zombies and motorcross. So Gunther counters with the Salsa Viking Boat of Doom (which we saw in the montage, natch) and Kick counters with a spear defense as they crash into the counter and Gunther does the armpit spear in the heart spot (complete with out of nowhere hotdogs natch) as he sells the shot badly. Kick's death acting is actually better which annoys me. So Gunther goes to the table with Mr. Vickie and he oversells by squirting ketchup to simulate a blood spray. Whatever Gunther; this is overbooked guys. So we head to the door as it opens and here comes a patron who likes the resturant and gets sprayed as Gunther oversells by pulling hotdogs as instestines out of his crotch. Oh my Jonas; that is more cringeful than watching someone stuff a fish in Raven Syndrome's breasts on children's television. Well; we know who to blame for this one. Hint: he's about two feet shorter than Gunther. Mr. Vickie at least agrees with me as both patrons run for their lives out of the resturant. And Mr. Vickie almost got ready to throw up.

Helga wonders what went wrong with this. Thinking that Your Baloo's In The Mail was cool. That's what is wrong with this picture. Magnus has his bags ready to go back to Old Country as Helga proclaims that they have to fight for every meal as we get a flashback (that's four of them for those counting) as we see the family eating on a picnic table a lot of fried chicken and then we zoom out and see bears blitzing them and we get the FCC FRIENDLY FIGHT OF DOOM and we cut back to reality (no, not really) as we see Closed on the shop in red letters on a wooden board. And the o is accented. We zoom out to the docks and a viking ship as Magnus wonders why they didn't draw a crowd as Gunther gives Kick a picture of him without the wooden shoes. And he's on a wolf skin rug. So I'm assuming that the 48 hours are up now. Kick apologizes and leaves claiming that he gives up. Well; that's good because your plans suck anyway Kick. Then Bjorden of all people talks to him and somehow; I can understand him now. So we have gone from speaking Norweigan to a really thick Norweigan accent as he tells him that Kick never gives up. Will you shut the hell up and go home already? Kick is a poison; he'll just assure you that you cannot go back home. This is freedom from a vainglorious bastard. Do it! Leave now for the good of DTVA dammit! So Kick proclaims that he's Kick Buttowski remembering to yell at them and he never quits as we sezs it and jackhammers it in rainbow colors on a black background three times. Damn you Kick! Damn you! And we get the weirdest humming ever and Kick orders them back to the resturant. Gunther asks how and Kick repeats the spot from earlier in the episode. You know; the I don't know spot. Eeekk!

So we get the KB scene changer as Kick reappears on a motor scooter and he knows now as now the episode is about to turn really silly as we basically get the video game version of Crowd Draw. I know this because they show the title screen with explosion and Crowd Draw, Ready Player One on the screen like a video game. As absurd as it sounds; but at least it does serve the purpose of driving Mr. Hardcore crazy for a few days. And we get an energy bar on top of the screen as we start with Kick using a water gun and spraying it on denizens in the street. Everyone is angry and they run after Kick like an angry mob. That's right folks; Kick just sexually assaulted them and does it for the purpose of selling food. And people are surprised that Maxie Zeus wants to punch him in the face?! That would be too generous actually. We head into the park as Kick wears hotdogs on himself and a runner and his dog chase after it. Kick rides to the public swimming pool; dives in and unplugs the drain, draining the water. Apparently; advertising is for wimps in Kick's world. The swimmers are pissed as one of them no sells diving head first into the bottom of the pool. HE'S A WITCH~! GET HIM! We head to the football field as a quraterback throws a football and Kick races in and steals it.

Referee: Defensive Pass Interference, on the defense, non-football player on a scooter steals the ball away, half the distance to the goal, Automatic first down, time out so we can get the ball back and arrest non-football player for disorderly conduct.

Okay; we continue on and did I mention that the meter shows more green the more people get pissed off. And he goes into the end zone and they STILL count it as a touchdown. WHAT THE HELL?! What kind of logic is this? Even worse; Kick bounces his ass further just to annoy me more and then rides away as the football players chase after him. He then bumps into cheerleaders just to show his sexist side. Kick Buttowski is not sexist; but the writers sure are. So we head to a park where we do the marriage gig once again from Runaway Recital as it's Michelle and Chris tying the knot and Kick steals Michelle and the priest is angry and we chase again. So Kick has committed assault, disorderly conduct and kidnapping now. Plus he's a sexist too. This is just peachy as we cut to a Indian guru meditating. And Kick rushes and steals his tupee to add stealing to the charges. And he's a racist too. We chase some more as we head to the Ferris Wheel (which symbolizes the turnover rate at Disney actually) and somehow undoes the bolt in one twist and the ferris wheel rolls left. Add vandalism and possible battery charges to the record. And we have an Angry Crowd as shown on the screen as the thing goes yellow and red during the whole thing. So the writers are implying that video games causes angry mobs? Here's a clue writers: When you bash another medium; 9 times out of ten; you are admitting that you have no talent. It's like taking cracks at TMNT. Kick rides away as he lures them into the taxi which doubles as a clown car in this world.

So we head back to the Battlesnax as Kick enters inside and Helga is pleading as Kick tells them that he has the crowd as we see them in the distance as Gunther and Bjorden barricade the door and despite thousands of people wanting to kick Kick's ass and face in; they are held back by two guys with a combined weight of 410 pounds tops. Kick orders Helga to bring out the stew and Magnus to bring out his only fan. Both sell and bail; returning quickly with fan and stew. I think you can guess what happens next since this is pretty much the same finish and ending they did in the last short; only it makes me want to kick his teeth in. Logic break; the floor boards break on the wait for it signal and then repair themselves on the next shot. Kick orders the doors open now as Magnus turns on the fan and the overwhelming smell goes to the mob who want to MURDER Kick. Please don't sell, please don't sell...Oh DAMMIT!! And they faint like dominoes. So we go to the scene changer as everyone sits down in tables and enjoys the stew and Salsa as the cheerleaders dance on cue. This is officially worse than the previous short finish. Everyone enjoys it which in itself is fine; but Kick methods are so disgusting beyond belief as Magnus and Helga thank Kick for keeping them in business. I don't hate Helga and Magnus (nor Gunther); I just hate them thanking Kick for basically getting away with everything but murder.

Kick proclaims that he is not done as he gets on the roof and cuts a promo and uses the sword to cut a rope proclaiming it's off to Vallhalla and then the Big Ass Axe swings and spilts the Battlesnax in two; causing everyone to be shocked and appalled. Oh god; why guys?! The episode is OVER and you went for that stupidity?! This might be the lowest point in Kick Buttowski history and that covers a LOT of ground. Kick proclaims that there is drive thru service and everyone pops. Whatever Kick. Bjorden of course speaks Norweigan again as Kick somehow understands him as we cut to the far shot and end the short mercifully at 10:20 approx. Once again; another decent short ruined by the worst finish ever. Memo to future adults: If this happened in real life; you would be arrested and serve life in prison and be a registered sex offender. Lesson of the Day: Blood and guts are perverted and advertiste by taking a spot in your local newspaper and television stations. Or better yet; the Internet and Youtube. Look at Justin Bieber and his success. Just because he sucks at singing doesn't mean Youtube is useless. Learn the one thing he did right; not the things he did wrong. Call this 3/4 * (15%). Last shot goes back to Holland and we see the Dutch boy in a body cast playing the squeeze box and singing pretty good. Then the bears MURDER his ass. HAHA! I'm adding 1/4* for that alone.


Well; the important thing is we got through pretty much the worst parts of this ranting stuff for Season One are over. Since this episode was the fifth one produced; it's understandable to see why both shorts sucked. However; both shorts at least had decent ideas. Kickasarus Wrecks had the idea of Kick doing a halftime show and trying to get out of wearing the Shrimp suit. Personally; Kick in a prawn suit would have been giggle inducing, and Kick's attempt to think big was a total failure and the halfway show sucked when he was in control. Then the beast got out of control and I got about two or three minutes of fun mayhem and Kick getting screwed so I was pretty happy with the result..until the finish. Rowdy was all right too; although I could do without his broken English accent (which infected Magnus and Helga later on). So the finish comprised of everyone returning out of nowhere just to boo Kick out of the building and wanting refunds. I can understand wanting refunds; but why bother when you can go to your lawyer and sue Rowdy good; so then Rowdy could sue Kick for breach of contract. So Kick saves face by not slumping back to his house and realizing that he ruined his career and life by doing a halftime show that sucked because he couldn't grow a thick skin over being called a shrimp. Here's a clue: shrimp is NOT offensive. I know BS&P is a bitch; but it doesn't work unless the word is truly offensive. Like; ummm... being called a retard. That would make me want to punch everyone in the face for accepting such a mental slur. Instead; he wears the shrimp suit and dances and the crowd ignores what they should be doing and cheers him. The same boy that destroyed all their cars and nearly got them and Rowdy killed is now a hero. This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Or so I thought...

Battle For The Snax is the origin story to how the Battlesnax existed and it was Kick trying to save the restaurant from shutdown. Which is pretty noble of him; even if it's to save his friendship (nothing wrong with that at all; even if Kick is unlikable). Kick's methods started off well; and while the entertainment part was beyond disgusting; it at least didn't break logic and wasn't criminally disgusting. Then we tease the family going home from the docks and Kick almost gives up; before Bjorden speaks English for no reason whatsoever and Kick changes his mind. Silly; overbooked cluster muck like the last one; but not offensive. The offensive part finally came in the finish once again as Kick decides to instead of advertising on radio and television, or even on the Internet, we create a sequence called Crowd Draw and it plays out like a video game. Kick basically did everything criminal in this scene: vandalism, battery, assault, stealing, and almost getting one swimmer killed diving into a pool (Unintentional Manslaughter) just to create an angry mob and once they head into the Snax, and smell the food; they sell it and faint like dominoes. This was the lowest point in history because in any other universe; Kick Buttowski would have been in jail. Even The Powerpuff Girls went to jail on order of the mayor after destroying Townsville in one episode for goodness sakes. It's sad because in both cases; we had decent shorts, but the offensiveness didn't come from perverted Gunther; it came from criminal Kick Buttowski. Helga and Magnus were fine; although I didn't like them crying. I expect this from Bjorden and Gunther; but not from Magnus and maybe Helga. Incredible! And the fans are SHOCKED when Maxie Zeus hates Kick, or me hating Kick, or steet claiming that new Disney is horrible immoral tripe? Okay; maybe it was one of the Cloudkicker users on Animation Source in one of the articles he did who said it. It's because of horrible finishes like THESE.

The good news in all of this is that the writers finally stopped acting like morons thinking that children are on the same level as them; and started to write better plots and better finishes to go with them. Not to say that every one of them is (Box Office Blitz, Tattler's Tale I'm looking at you!); but at least I didn't cringe at most of them. Next up is Those Who Camp Do and Dog Gone which in the middle of the season and so should at least be better written. So.....

Thumbs down for both shorts and I'll see you next time.


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