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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Snowpocalypse/According To Chimp Rant

Reviewed: 09/09/2011

The Chimpocalypse Is Upon Us! We'll All Gonna Go Banana!!

So we get another short as Kick faces the wrath of snow and saves kids from a school bus. Seriously; that is what he does. The scariest part is that this one actually features something that is semi threatening to the lives of Kick and Gunther. So we have our second short as Kick now had to deal with a monkey. Yeah; let's just bring up My Gym Partner Is A Monkey why don't we. So let's rant on shall we...?!

The short was written by Mark Drop with the story by David Shayne and storyboard by Mike Kunkel. Mark Drop started as a writer for the Arsenio Hall Show, Herman's Head, Something Wilder and Disney's Dinosaurs television series. He also wrote the movie The Clinic. Recess is his DTVA debut and has done Lloyd In Space, Dave The Barbarian, Lilo & Stitch The Series, Kim Possible, Ying! Yang! Yo! (TINY TOONS ON CRACK!), American Dragon Jake Long and The Emperor's New School. He also did Alien Racers, Goode Behavior, The Mouse & The Monster, Claghorne!, Danny Phantom, George Of The Jungle 2007 edition, Dinosaur Train, The Zula Patrol and The Mad Hatter Chronicles. The episode is directed by Chris Savino and Sherm Cohen. Sherm started with Ren & Stimpy in 1994 followed by Hey Arnold! and did writing for Spongebob Squarepants. He directed Johnnie Talk and did storyboards My Life With Morriserry, Museum Scream, The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, My Gym Partner's A Monkey (again of course), and the Mighty B! Phineas & Ferb was his DTVA debut and that is it.

According To Chimp is written by Mark Drop. The story is done by Adam Beechen with storyboards done by Carl Faruolo and directed by Chris Savino. Adam started with Rugrats in 1991 and has since done cartoons such as The Wild Thornberries, Rocket Power, Totally Spies!, Johnny Test, Ben 10, Batman: The Brave and Bold, and The Secret Saturdays. Kick Buttowski is his DTVA debut. Voltron Force, The Adventures of Chuck & Friends and Ben 10: Ultimate Alien are his most recent credits. There are 29 writing credits and three story editing credits to his resume. He was also assistant director and did the voice of Copy Shop Geek in The Significant Other in 1994. He also wrote comic books for DC Comics. As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.

Opening Moment #1: The title card looks like a wintery stop sign silloutte with Kick snowboarding. Whatever you think works guys.

Snowpocalypse: We begin this one with a shot of an alarm clock apporching 7:00 am. I'm beginning to love the old DTVA's STOCK FOOTAGES OF DOOM a lot more after watching this series. And naturally; like the rest of the house it is NOT UP TO CODE as Kick smashes it with his fist. I betcha Mister T cannot do that either even in his animated abortion. POW! OUCH! Ummm...I pity the fool who told me that joke was safe to use. And of course we get the old Fairly Oddparents cheap blue blackground with the words School Day in red letters. Why is the exclaimation mark in dark blue?! Did BS&P step in and say a red exclaimation mark is equal to death or something?!  So we go to a shot outside an open window (Peeping Tom!) as we see snow outside as Kick sulks so badly that even I am getting sleepy myself. He walks away from the frame and then catches himself and looks out the window and the snow has conviently made some half pipes for him to snowboard on. Oy vey. Kick's eyes go open and then we go back to the JACKHAMMERING OF DOOM as School Day is now Snow Day as it's in dark blue. Okay; I see why the exclaimation mark is dark blue; but shouldn't the word day be dark blue too?! I'll never understand the alternative reality these logicastians live in.

And naturally Kick sezs it. It's not enough to see the words; he has to say them or vice versa.  So we go to a door shot (an out of frame door shot) as it opens and Kick has his blue snowboard on his feet as we see him surfing around on the snow and the convinetly made half pipe with the emoting that is less than that of a Sally Struthers infomerical. His surfing defies all logic so much that he literally clears the driveway out for Mr. Vickle. Ummm; yeah. He then surfs the top of the roof and slides in safe as somehow he teleports from the top of the roof to the bottom of the ground when he slides in safe and turns Guthner who was for some unknown reason standing there doing nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING except become a snowman for Kick. Kick asks if he is ready and Guthner shakes his booty and proclaims that the Vikings are born ready. Did I mention that Guthner is a legit viking?! I did?

Okay; let's move on as we go to the snow fall scene changer as we get the ski jump pike zoom out shot (the rampway looks like the most straight up phallic symbol in history) as we cut to Guthner with a garden hose (at least he's wearing winter clothes while Kick is still in his bodysuit) and drools because it's so beautiful. Man; those viking fellows have such dirty minds. Kick drops the red shovel and pounds his gloves as he proclaims this to be the best snow day ever. For me; this is the worst snow day ever and it's not even snowing right now. And then the yellow school bus rides in and stops right in front of them. HAHA! The bus driver opens the door and proclaims in the kind of delivery that would make the cast of Santa Claus & The Ice Cream Bunny blush complete with zoom in. Which leads to the flashback inside a weather news desk as the same PA anouncer from Stumped without glasses shows a globe top filled with snow and proclaims that every school is closed except for Mellowbrook which of course would be impossible in real life. Methinks this alternative reality is a bad place to visit; let alone live there too. So we head back to reality (no, not really) as we get a disjointed shot of Kick and Guthner entering the bus. Oooookkkayyyy...

So we head inside with Kick doing his "up yours" pose walk and Guthner keeps pace. We then cut to a blond girl with a pink hairband and a green triangle pink shirt with a banana yellow book. We also find out that it was her who intentionally got her father to get school to be open for a blizzard and Kick sulks in defeat because she is Kendell; the Valley Girl Brat. See; she is supposed to be class president and hates Kick for being a stuntmen. Join the club wench! Now watch and see this episode just get more and more absurd as the school bus drives in the bumpy snow as the bus driver lectures the kids to sit still because safety first see. Why don't we have seatbelts on the bus while we are at it too as he catches himself on the winter ramp part and they go off the steepest ski ramp in history.

Kick and Guthner cheer that one (what a shock) as the bus bounces off the high voltage wires and then twists 180 degrees and slides on it's roof down the street much to the horror of the kids. Most of them from Dead Man's Drop and Obsession For Kick as the school bus breaks logic by stopping at a red light. Seriously; that is what it does. You know this ice is downright sentient when THAT happens. Then the light turns green and the music restarts and the bus breaks logic again by not only moving (which can happen in real life) and turns 90 degrees to the right (yeah right?).

The bus driver screams so badly that his emoting is making even Kick blush and the bus bounces up into the air after hitting a mailbox. Mark Drop must be having a brainfart when he wrote this episode. And then the bus somehow twists back upright and lands with a MAN-SIZED bump onto the snow covered ground and then goes into a tailspin (BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) onto the bridge as the driver is not helping matters. Not even my dad can pull this off on his worst day. So the bus somehow catches the edge of the bridge (Huh?) and they are about 50 feet away from the bottom of the icy abyss. The busdriver breathes a sigh of relief; but since they didn't go over the cliff; Kick and Guthner rise up and Kick does the yelling double devil pose. Which of course is enough for the bus to go over the cliff straight down. And somehow it drives towards the left and takes about 20 MAN-SIZED bumps on the left side (seriously) and finally lands in a snowbank. And just to make sure that the show assures that it's in our faces; snow splats the screen just before the front sticks itself into the snow.

The bus driver is on the floor and grabs the transmitter and calls a breaker (What is this; does he think he's in TaleSpin or something?) and he addresses himself as Brat Lawler; but the radio is down as the kids (including one African American of course) cry so badly that they should get their emoting licenses revoked. Kendall goes to her VALLEY GIRL IPOD OF DOOM because she will just call dad and then she is SHOCKED and APPALLED because we get a close up of her ipod which has no signal and a sad face with a equal sign on the screen all covered in pink and orange background just to make the jackhammering complete. Guthner panics and he jackhammers the fear (with orange explosion border) proclaiming that they have been sent back to about 14 years ago. Ironically; that was when Quack Pack was released on the unsuspecting public. Nice to see Guthner understand the horror.

Now since it was Kendall's fault for telling her dad to open school in the first place; I suspect Kick is going to get all the blame for this even if he deserves all the fault just on mere principal alone. Bratt screams and does the exact same tongue scream that the mover from Obsession for Kick did. We then cut to Kendall on the close up and zoom out as she wants everyone to calm down. See; she is the class president and she is in charge so she is going to assign blame to this whole mess since someone built a snow ramp (funny since that snow ramp they flew over is NOT the same one Kick built by the way). And of course we teleport over to Kick looking sharp and proclaims the most lamest excuse in history in who hasn't. Yeah; that makes you so not guilty Kick.

Of course everyone raises their hands in response as Kick puts his fingers near his nose and admits that he did it (Ummm; no you didn't since it ISN'T the same ramp.). See; he did it because he is going to save everyone on the bus because he's Kick Buttowski. If anyone wants to understand WHY Maxie Zeus wants to beat Kick's face in; watch that last promo Kick cut and you will see why. And lookie; Jackie is on the bus too in a cameo! The kids want to be saved; but Kendall stands them down. See; she is the president of the Emergency Snow Prepareness Team and she is in charge BABEE! They stay until help arrives or freeze solid; whichever comes first. Kick blows her off because he is the class president of the Operation Rescue team and his way works better. I'm with Kendall; as long as Kick dies first. Then the series will end and maybe in five years; everyone who liked this show will realize why I was right about it. Kendall challenges Kick's values and Kick accepts as they exchange baby level talk (Fine! Fine!) about ten times just to jackhammer the point complete with wide screen. And then they pause and give evil looks at each other.

Note From The Future: Kendell Perkins is voiced by Emily Osment who started in 1999 in the movie The Secret Life of Girls as Miranda and the television movie Sarah, Plain & Tall: Winter's End as Cassie. Then she became somehow famous for being Gerti Giggles in the sequels to the Spy Kids movies and then did little of note until she became a "star" (and yes I use the term loosely) as Lilly Truscott in Hannah Montana. Kick Buttowski is her only DTVA appearance; unless you count Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has A Glitch as part of DTVA,. You can tell the ego she has in the fact that she has more appearances on television talk shows in the last two years than her total work output in actual content. This partially explains why Kendell sounds so bland too. Still classier than Kick and Gunther combined though.

So Kick walks away with his up yours snap of the fingers and calls for Guthner to join him. Kick then gets his foot stopped by Jackie as she goes all insane on Kick! That spot deserves 1/4 * all by itself. If she did that for ten minutes straight; this would be one of the best DTVA episodes in history! Mark my words on that one. Kick gets unstuck in about five seconds and pushes Jackie's arm aside and walks away saying okay. It is perfectly okay for her to be so obsessed with you no matter how much logic breaking it ultimately does compared to about two shorts ago when Obsession For Kick was released. Kick and Guthner open the bus door and we go to the Z-Grade zoom shot of Kick as he fists his gloves and both step out and drop into a snowbank with ease. Kick and Guthner pop from the snow and Guthner loses his red cap and does the smiling viking pose with music. Okay; that is pretty cute and naturally it steals from Kick's heat so Kick puts a stop to it about five seconds later. Sigh.

Kick ponders how they are going to get the bus out of the snowbank and they proclaim that they need a tow truck. Guthner and Kick deduce that they need Wade in about three seconds. Sow we go to the white out scene changer as we get a close up shot of the snowy sign known as Food -N- Fix. Strangely; the sign looks different than it was in Stumped for some reason. We then zoom out and see Wade in his tow truck giving the thumbs up to the buck teeth kid from Dead Man's Drop driving his blue car. Funny how the high school kids have sympathy for Brad and yet he doesn't have his driver's license. So Wade drives like mad; and somehow the hook breaks logic and attaches to the roof and pulls the roof clean off the store. I couldn't make that one up if I tried. Seriously; that is what happens. This logic break makes Gary's Spongebob Trick look like high art in comparsion. Wade stops and proclaims that he didn't see that one coming. And for once I agree with him.

We then go back to reality (no, not really) as Guthner proclaims it's to the Food -N- Fix in such a loud voice and we cut to the top of the snow mountain (breaking logic since it's supposed to be the bridge since Guthner and Kick are BEHIND the bus.) as a mini avalanche is made. It entombs the boys much to my delight and Kick's lack of disgust emoting as we get more shots of the kids looking outside. Then we cut to outside as Kick and Guthner do the devil pose and thumbs up to proclaim that they are all right. Even Satan himself wouldn't let these two into hell. Kendall maybe; Brad maybe; but certainly not Kick and Guthner. So we get another white out scene changer as Kick and Guthner look at a map of the snow mountain making sure to create a red line that is so whacked out that no one except Kick could follow. There is only one path to follow and Guthner has it covered as we see that the map has turned into the route as Guthner somehow breaks all logic and reason as he painted the entire summit path for him. That is REALLY STUPID as Guthner could have just went to the top and then go find Wade. But that would not give Kick all the credit see as he wants to do this.

So we get another white out scene changer as we cut to Kick dragging Guthner up the steep mountain. That was pointless as we get the scene changer back to a shot of the stuck bus and we head inside to see an emo purple hair boy who looks like a lazyeye version of Ruby Gloom. He complains about food as Kendall blows her off as he will be saved if she can help it. Kendall orders everyone to get their lunches and they all sell; but there is nothing. Kendall complains about the food and we cut to Jackie stuffing her face with their lunches. HAHA! I can see who SHE is rooting for in this one. Since I like Jackie so much; I really have no choice but to root for Kick this time around. Kendall is the typical valley girl wench so she's nothing special at all. Oh; and she bleches on cue too and licks her fingers meaning her class level is still higher than Guthners' easily.

So we go to the white out scene changer as we get more climbing and I discover that the snow covered top they crawl under BEFORE they get to the top IS the bridge. Which still doesn't make sense on the previous avalanche scene. They struggle up for a while; but get to the top as Guthner yodels. Seriously; that is what he does which causes a second avalanche. Where is King Kong Bundy to squash this midget when we REALLY need him?! That buries the bus even more as Guthner apologizes. No, not really. Kick of course does nothing but the Gruffi pose instead of walking away and getting help right now. And then Kick walks in his vainglorious pose and falls through the ice (is ANYTHING up to code in this series?) and Guthner falls through with him as they take some MAN-SIZED bumps onto the ice that should have killed them in real life; but it doesn't. They then notice that they are in some frozen sewer (I think) as Kick sniffs around. EWWWWWW! Kick calls it slush as they get inspired (sadly; I cannot hear what they are saying since someone is talking over the dialog) and we get the zoom in widescreen shot of Kick doing his usual bad catchphrase and that ends the segment six minutes in.

After the Youtube break; we head inside the sewer as Kick and Guthner slide down the ramp with something that I cannot made out from an ice sled. Just accept it and move on and they think that they are safe as the FPS shot leads to daylight and the old ACME WARNER BROTHERS SPOT OF DOOM out of the sewer pipe and into the middle of the abyss above the bridge. Kick just got WARNERED~! Kick does his "Ah, biscuits" promo and drops doing the same 20 MAN-SIZED bumps as the bus did (now THAT'S a funny spot!) earlier and turns into the big ass snowball and smashes into the left side of the bus. And as we go to the bus window shot; Kick is now literally like a freakin bug on my windshield (God bless Kenny Blankenship!). EWWWWW! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY! Kendall blows him off proclaiming that she was right all along and he's wrong. She asks what he is going to do about it and then in one of the most stupid moments in the history; we REPEAT THE PREVIOUS SEQUENCE in almost the same fashion; but they cut out the funny parts (the bumps from earlier). WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?! Seriously; what was the point of that?! This washes away any good graces I might have had with this short.

So we go to the white out scene changer and see Kick and Guthner in silouette walking in the snowstorm in some sort of plain park with a lone snowman and a tree. Kick and Guthner walk past a snowman and a snowdog. Take one guess who it is as Guthner asks if Kick thinks a snow dog is watching him and Kick proclaims that it's all the time. Do you get the idea Kick is walking into this stupidity on purpose? Spongebob and Patrick's stupidity is more unintentional and thus it is funny on some level even at it's sometimes worst moments. Here; it isn't funny since Kick has utter contempt for even it's own reality. And Oscar the Dressed Up Rapid Dog shakes off the snow and is lashed onto a tree. Well; I see why the tree is there at least as Guthner screams so badly that his voice miscast is becoming even more obvious than Kick's. Oscar manages to uproot the tree and it's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE DRESSED UP DOG EDITION~! Oh the irony indeed!

Oscar misses Guthner's ass by a mile (BOO! HISS!) as they do the SCOOBY DOO ANGEL SPOT through a snowbank (!!!) as the dog breaks his leash. Guthner cannot run anymore (his selling sucks since he doesn't even bother to breathe heavily at all) as Kick finds some wooden boards and they ride as the chase continues as Guthner goes Patrick Star and rides backwards. Whatever Guthner. So we see Kick and Guthner slide up over the roof of the Battlesnax (the place where Guthner's parents and his cousin work  - Yeah; a viking place, how fitting) and we get the WARNER BROTHERS SPOT OF DOOM and freefall into the icy water as they pop up looking like ice cubes. Somehow; Guthner's arm manages to only half freeze as Oscar tries the same thing; but misfires by about a foot and drops down and slides into the snowbank below. We cut back to the icy lake and magically the ice cube boys are on top of the lake and somehow the lake is solid frozen in less than ten seconds. This alternative reality is so whacky it might as well qualify as Sara Palin's universe. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm...  Kick is not amused and I must say that makes two of us. Kick asks Guthner to yodel and Guthner sells it as he yodels and of course the ice breaks off completely. Kick gets up and they do the knuckle on knuckle touch which is as dreaded as the knee on knee collision in hockey in terms of likeness.

So we go to another scene changer and we head to the buried bus again as Kendall lays down the law on the seats because they are her property and that have no good value. So Jackie makes me proud by EATING the green seat. I know this show was designed for BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! However; Jackie is the only monster over character of the series; so why not just make her the main character?! Jackie is straving of course as a curly haried boy with holes in his mouth (not unlike me) sees Kendall off-screen eating pudding so we go off-screen with the far shot of the bus and get the FCC FRIENDLY FIGHT OF DEATH. So in other words; as long as it is off-screen; male on female violence is allowed. I got it now. So we head back into the SNOW WORLD OF DEATH as Guthner is chattering his teeth in Hanna Barbera fashion (all rights reserved) and shivering. He proclaims that they are not going to make it and both kids do a faceplant into the snow. How fitting for this series in general?! Kick tries to talk something about saving the bus as a fur coat shadow stalks them in front and if you cannot guess who it is; then you have no business reading this rant. Kick and Guthner appear to panic as the gray coat figure appears in full and opens the hood to reveal...Wade, DUH! I call that one a minute before it happened by the way. And he is drinking a slush puppie in a cup having a brain freeze. Geez; what a shock that is.

Guthner and Kick are happy to see him and I was hoping it was Mr. Vickie because that would have paid off the job Kick did to his driveway earlier. Wade greets them with the usual bad nicknames that I cannot tell he is saying since he still talks in a slur. Guthner asks for the tow truck and Wade gleefully accepts because they are friends see. Problem is the original tow truck is destroyed it seems. Kick proclaims that they must save as he runs off about 30 names in rapid fire. It doesn't matter who they are since the only one he missed was Kendall which Guthner gleefully reminds him of. Kick blows him off. Okay; you hate Kendall the Valley Girl Wench; we bloody get it Kick. So we get another white scene changer as we get another shot of the Food -N- Fix (at least they are keeping the sign the same for the short) and so we get another pointless sequence as they build a new tow truck out of a dumpster; skis and various objects from the store which I'm sure Wade's boss is going to have a fit over when this short is over. And Kick naturally does little but paint the makeshift tow truck with spraypaint. In other words; pretty much nothing as usual.

They call it the Demon Seigher and KISS is going to be calling a lawsuit to Disney as soon as they see this short. Oh; and it is supposed to be all edgy and Satanic; but it comes off as vainglorious and lame. Just par for the course with Kick Buttowski. We go to the zoom out shot of the rig and Wade becomes the smartest guy in the entire episode as he asks where they are going to find a decent motor to power the sleigh. Kick ponders it and decides to use the only thing available: Oscar The Dressed Up Dog. To paraphrase Jay Leno: Your dog is NOT going to  pull a dumpster! He wants to EAT OUT OF THE DUMPSTER! Needless to say; we cut to some shots of Oscar and a gratutious shot of Guthner shaking his ass and taunting the dog as he is bait for the fishing pole Kick has as Oscar is leashed onto the front of the dumpster. And PETA blows a gasket. At least this time I'm hoping for that to happen. Even if my reasons are radically different from theirs. Naturally it works and we have about a minute left in this mess so we see Kick wanting a shortcut so they go off the ramp Kick ACTUALLY created (See how easy that was to figure out?).

So we head back to the exact same shot of the buried bus as before and the children inside are turning into zombie ready to eat Kendall's brains as Kendall's selling is about half as bad as Guthner's emoting. I want to club BS&P for that one as Kendall is wedged at the back of the bus and the bodyslam off-screen ensues. Kendall and the kids look out the window and we see Kick and his fanclub (minus Jackie of course) with the Oscar driven dumpster as Kick does his usual vainglorious devil pose. I'm glad that he really didn't sign up to be a crossing guard. Can you imagine how heartless he would be in doing so? We then jump cut to Kick proclaiming that the next stop is Mellowbrook School as the kids gleefully cheer for victory for their new savior. So Oscar did all the mushing; Guthner and Wade built the sleigh and Guthner built the ramp. So who gets all the credit and glory? If you said Kick Buttowski; you assure yourself of NEVER getting a job in the animation industry ever. The animation industry needs a Nintendo distruption STAT!

Kendall gets a fist to the head as she sulks over all this when the kids file out of the bus. We cut to the dumpster as Guthner helps everyone on the bus and even offers to let Kendall on; but Kick butts in and proclaims that this is all. Kendall bitches back on him and Kick blows him off. Okay; you hate her guts; we freakin get it Kick! We then see the dumpster moving along stage left as Kendall must be pleaded for mercy off-screen because she is on now. Kick stops the dumpster in front of the Mellowbrook School and the kids all cheer for victory as Jackie is so relieved herself for some reason. And then the bell rings and apparently; class is dismissed and school is over. Kendall is not happy to hear that one. Kick does the Gruffi pose with Guthner and they call it the best school day ever as we get the triple zoom in and that officially ends the short at 10:20. The storyline was actually solid enough and some of the spots were pretty funny (most of them are from Jackie of course); but the mistakes are so glaring that it is not funny. And Kick just kept dragging it down with his usual clustermuck. Call it ** 1/2 (50%).

Opening Moment # 2: The title card shows a red Kick Buttowski shadow dancing with a white monkey joker shadow. Ooookkkkaaayyyyy.

According To Chimp: We begin this one in the park of Mellowbrook with butterflies flying in the skies. Then we see Gunther running up the pathway and head to the conviently placed phone booth. He uses the phone and dials the number to Kick's cellphone. I know this because on the split screen; Kick answers his in his room. Closeup of Gunther's mouth reveal that he's here and Kick is on his way as he teleports out of his room into the park and invokes the POINTY FINGER OF a scooter of a man wearing Gedo shorts and a blue visor cap. Oh; and he is driving a trunk called of Chocolate covered bananas. Gunther asked if he missed him and then faceplants in the background. The truck drives away as Gunther and Kick each bought six chocolate covered banana popslices. Kick calls it sweet banana victory. Yeah; that was pointless. So we get the banana peel scene changer as we head to Kick's toxic hideout as somehow; Kick and Gunther are watching television under the under construction bridge. Whatever guys; I'm not going to point out the obvious logic break here. We see someone getting destroyed off the cliff as the announcer gleefully sums up the horror for us in one neat little package. So we go to the breaking news (That sounds perversely fitting for some reason) on the Mellowbrook Network. We then see an announcer at the desk that is clearly too small for him as he has a lot of white hair and glasses. We see a picture of a monkey showing off his ugly teeth in front of an explosion background. The monkey has escaped in case you didn't notice. I wonder if he's the same monkey I saw in Father From The Truth earlier in my ranting career? Anyhow; we see footage of a caretaker wearing green overalls and a green hat looking terrified claiming that he didn't even notice him gone. Kick and Gunther do not look worried at all as they lick their chocolate bananas. I think we know where this is headed now don't we...?

Kick wonders how anyone can lose a monkey and Gunther doesn't care as they slap chocolate bananas because they are the best ever. Anything that has bananas in them to me is perverted. Just so you would like to know my position on these things. Bananas are awesome when alone. Gunther licks like mad and then claims that even the monkey likes them as he is eating off of Kick's stick. Are we REALLY shocked by this?! Gunther somehow ate all of his bananas as he points out the obvious to us and we have a staredown. Kick likes this because it's a monkey. Gunther tries to correct him because he's really a chimp; but Kick blows it off and gives him another chocolate banana pop. Yeah; because we seriously need to dead ring My Gym Partner's A Monkey in this series. I'm guessing the original title was My Stunt Double Is A Monkey but legal caught wind of it and had it changed. Double devil's pose in stereo as Gunther calls it kind of cool. By his standards yeah; by mine, forget about it. Butta-Bing! The monkey squeals and shows off his ugly teeth as Kick gives him another chocolate banana and his new name is Doctor Awesome. Riiiiggghhhhtttt Kick; what do you know about being awesome?

Kick wants to get awesome as we get the montage just to annoy me some more. Kick is in the air flipping his bicycle in midair as the monkey is swinging him up from a lamp pole. We do a far shot which the shadow zoom out shot makes it look worse and then we scene change to the park again as Gunther and Kick play the park merry-go-round of doom for a while. Gunther wants to go pee of course as they do the worse emoting of teeth ever. Scene changer and we see Kick getting monkey handled by Doc with the skateboard as he does the discus throw and Kick is nearly in tears on the pull of gravity when in the air as he races down the pathway and we get an explosion as Kick forgot to WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! Gunther jumps for joy as the sound effects sound wrong on him for some odd reason. Kick returns with smoke as he gives the thumbs up and the monkey does the SLAP GROUND OF DEATH spot (lifted from Donkey Kong in Super Smash Brothers) and Gunther stays in mid air for a bit before coming down once Doc is soothed with another chocolate banana.

And here comes Brad Buttowski as he is riding a children's pig ride while Chip Green and 3D are hiding in the sandbox. Oh goody. Yes; I know that their names are Horace and Pantasy in that order; but my sarcastic names are a lot better. Brad claims that there are two apes and a monkey here as Kick corrects him as being a chimp. HA! Speak for yourself Kick. Kick calls him a jackball (strange how Disney cartoons don't allow jackass (although it is a trademarked show anyway; so it wouldn't matter if the moral guardians existed or not in this case); but a children's show like Land of Oz and Rupert allowed the world. Remember when the wizard of Oz turned himself into a donkey literally? "haha. Now you're a jackass!" "Quiet your tongue lady!" TWO POINTS!) and Brad tells him to zip it as he wants the chocolate bananas. I think that one is the last one Brad and the monkey is licking on it. You don't want monkey germs on your spoils now don't ya? Brad then steals the chocolate banana and we have the explosion jackhammered background as the monkey is PISSED...and I do mean PISSED in a berserk sort of fashion. So the monkey blitzes Brad and we get the FCC FRIENDLY OFF-SCREEN FIGHT OF DOOM and then see Chip Green and Brad rolled into a ball and rolled off the monkey's feet. They get rolled away and then monkey rips off 3D's hair and glasses. Oooooooo... And his shirt too as Pantasy bails like a scalded dog stage right.

The monkey runs off and then stops and does the double devil pose. Gunther and Kick turn their frowns upside down and we scene change on the meadow as the unlikable babyfaces lay down and laugh. Kick claims that he's the best pet ever and Gunther stands up asking if he's going to keep him. Kick doesn't think; he does as they slap chocolate bananas together. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Gunther reminds Kick about the times he brought strays into the house and he would be grounded. So we do some flashbacks featuring the same sequence over and over again with Denise with the rolling pin and Harold being angry as Kick looks depressed after the living room is trashed by the animal of choice. The last one is quite different as the parent approve of the hamster; but the hamster drives Monique into the living room and the airbags inflate for some amusement.

So we return to reality (No, not really) as Gunther rubs it in and the monkey invokes the POWER OF THE PUNCH on Gunther's fat face. HAHA! I hate THAT kind of sarcasm. Kick soothes him with another chocolate banana and proclaims that no one will notice as that POWER OF THE PUNCH was so powerful it knocked Gunther down the hill, some dirt and Gunther is a mangled heap of a fatass. Kick proclaims that chimps are awesome and we get the double devil's pose in stereo. Weeeee. Kick ponders over disguises and Gunther has nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING despite the monkey doing the same sequence of poses as Kick does..and performs better than the real thing too. Banana peel scene changer of doom as we head to the house of Assowski as we head to the kitchen to see Denise with a bag of groceries and a set of decent pipes to boot. So we see Kick and Gunther pop from the door as Gunther seems to be getting to Fanboy's levels of absurdity.

Kick and Gunther practice the fine art of not being seen; but Kick got the awesome beer gut going which Denise notices while pointing it out with the OUT OF NOWHERE rolling pin. So Kick shoves the beer gut and now he has the Yokozuna ass as it gets shoved into Gunther's beer gut to boot. Denise let's it go; but puts the Chocolate Bananas on the island and proclaims that Kick is banned from deserts for a while. And then the chimp rips through Kick's suit and goes berserk as somehow Kick manages to suck him in without Denise noticing other than the noise. And then the arms MURDER Kick good giving him the goofiest smile ever and Denise doesn't suspect a thing. So we see Kick grab the Chocolate Bananas on the recoil and sneak upstairs; but the noises interrupt Harold who is sitting watching television. He turns around and notices that Kick has grown monkey legs; but he's so dense that he doesn't suspect a thing. Kick punches his belly (which he really is punching the monkey in the face. BS&P? What BS&P?) as he needs to go and he runs upstairs. Harold doesn't know what to make of it; so Gunther backs Kick up by saying that he ate lingoberry burritos and his stomach rumbles and he slaps it and farts. Dammit Gunther; I thought we got that all out of our system in Kick Out.

Gunther giggles and goes upstairs as Harold hears rumbling in his stomach and goes to the bathroom stage left with the newspaper. Ooookkkkaaayyyy. So we head upstairs near the bedroom doors as Brad is blocking and he smells something rotten. Kick's beer gut is kicking and screaming like a monkey in his suit. Oh wait....And Brad needs a shower as he walks into his room (I think) and both Kick and Gunther get inspired. Banana peel scene changer of doom as we head to Kick's room with the sign "Don't Bug" in red letters as Kick lays on the bed loving life now like the vainglorious little bastard that he is. The monkey jumps on the bed (How fitting eh?) and points to his mouth. Kick wants Gunther to feed him the chocolate bananas and of course we see that Gunther slobbered and ate them all. Hint: he has chocolate all over his mouth and acts dumb when asked about them. Kick is in shock as the monkey REPEATS THE SPOT. I know he's just a monkey; but how many times do I have to repeat myself about doing that?!

Gunther runs out of the room and the monkey crashes through the door and jumps on Gunther's back and head. Kick follows as they head into Brianna's room (check the color of the walls on the room) as the monkey scratches and claws but don't seem to be doing any real damage whatsoever. Kick tries the super soaker (Hey; it works here at least so no BS&P'ing needed); but the monkey counters with the HAND OF GOD. Monkey climbs up and out of the room just as Brianna closes the door behind her. How convenient eh? Brianna screams like a monkey as the whole room has been super soaked. Kick breaks down the door (I'm sorry but the joke of things not being up to code is dead and buried. Deal with it.) and notices the chimp is in Brad's room jumping in the bed. He's eating Brad's underwear as Kick panics. No really; I'm as shocked as you are. Kick foolishly enters just as the chimp bails up and Brad catches him red-handed. And with the whip cream blue towel on his head. Brad demands answers from the dillweed and Kick cannot goldbrick to save his life. The monkey ass shows up and Kick blasts it with water to pull it down as Brad demands answers to this outrage and knocks the dillweed off the bed. HEE HEE!

Brad gets on the bed and Kick gives him a wedgie. Seriously; that is what happens and Brad oversells pain. Then he sprays water into Brad's eyes and Brad sells burning. Riiiiiiiggghhhhttttt; whatever. The chimp climbs the walls; scratches it's ass and swings out stage left. Brad is pissed and we get the second off-screen fight of the short as Gunther points to the door on his belly. Geez; and I thought Sir Tuxford was the master of Lazybones?! Kick runs in with the # injuries on his face and runs into Denise's room as the monkey is giving a bath robe, blind cucumber facial Denise a foot message. Then a back rub as Kick tries to order Doc to get out of the room. The monkey no sells which actually makes sense since she was the one who provided the chocolate bananas in the first place. Methinks the monkey is trying to suck up to Denise. Kick recoils when Denise asks him and the monkey plants a kiss right on Denise's lips. EWWWWWW! GET HER AWAY! GET HER AWAY! Kick chases the monkey away as Denise calls Harold an animal. Yeah; he's an animal all right, the laziest one ever as shown in the segue.

He's also eating potato chips to boot as he boos Mellowbrook for not playing fair and having fun. He is so in touch isn't he? We zoom out as the chimp is walking on the ceiling damaging the ceiling and then drops behind the chair as Harold blows it off thinking it's Denise. He places his punch on the table allowing Doc to steal it and make noises as usual. He guzzles it down like a rabid monkey just as Kick arrives downstairs and invokes the worst mean face ever and the stiffest POINTY FINGER OF DEATH ever. So the chimp spits the drink back into the glass and places it back on the table. Apparently he lost his tooth in the process since it's in the drink. The monkey scatters stage left as finally Gunther joins us after being a disabled fatass for about five minutes. So we get the SLOW MOTION LIP CONTACT OF DOOM from Harold; but somehow we break logic as Kick is on Harold and he drinks the contents. WHAT THE HELL?! Kick then gets ugly and wants to barf as he bails stage left complete with Hanna Barbera running sound effect. Whatever guys.

Harold blows off Kick of course as apparently Kick threw up off-screen near a plant as Doc jumps out the kitchen window which Gunther gleefully points out. Kick proclaims that it's only one monkey and then the announcer on the Mellowbrook news has a breaking report update on the chimp. Apparently; all the chimps have escaped to search for their father so to speak and Gunther points out to the window and the MONKEY ARM OF CHAOS grabs him and we have four monkeys jumping on the house roof breaking shingles. Kick runs outside as Mrs. Chickerelli gets bounced like a ball by the chimps while Oskar runs like mad. More kissing old men and then we see Mr. Vickie in his hot tub again as four of them pop up and Mr. Vickie is shocked. Gunther gets stretched out like a rack by the chimp and he yells for Kick. Kick kicks monkey ass to save him as Gunther proclaims that they cannot do this alone. Kick proclaims that they need to get them to the zoo somehow; and Gunther calls this all bananas. That gives Kick his Krackpotkin plan as we REPEAT THE SPOT FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE complete with teleport. You have an even less of an excuse for doing that then the chimp Kick Assowski.

So he apparently bribes the chocolate banana seller with one of his treats and steals the scooter. Whatever; this episode is overbooked now; and it's time to mercy kill it. Needless to say; Gunther throws buckets of pops onto the street and Kick proclaims that they love this more than chaos as the chimps buy it hook, line and sinker. They also remember to leave Mrs. Chickerelli in a heap on the sidewalk too. They leave Mr. Vickie alone and apparently; he kind of liked them plucking his eye brows. Monkey stampede ensues from behind the scooter and of course the old lady in the walker gets MURDERED on screen of course because some writer thinks seeing that is funny. It's almost as funny as a rape joke which of course is not funny. One of the monkeys gets on the truck and Gunther slaps his hands away about ten times; which the monkey no sells and gets nasty.

Kick tells Gunther to duck and he sells allowing the chimp to take a bump off the branch of the tree. The monkeys get inspired as we do some more Pac-Man spots. So Clamantha was watching this show after all. So we ride into the zoo as the truck leaps over the turn style and the zookeeper (who is sweeping the clean sidewalk natch) bails stage right. So we end this whole sequence with Kick breaking down the barrier to the chimp exhibit and then they jump off the scooter and hang onto a non leaf tree as the scooter explodes into the tree on impact and the chocolate bananas go flying and you can guess what the chimps do from there. Kick and Gunther jump down and Kick proclaims that they did it and they got them all back into their home as we discover that the platform is about four feet from the water as some of the chimps slide into the water.

Kick is happy; but Gunther reminds him that he needs to return home and face his parents and neighbors to whom he caused this calamity. Kick panics like mad and then gets soothed by a chocolate banana in his mouth of course. So we head back to the Buttowski residence as we cut to the television as the announcer proclaims that the chimps are back in the zoom and apparently; in a completely "unrelated" story; we see Kick and Gunther sitting with the chimps. We then cut to Denise with Harold's drink as she blows it off and gives the drink to a...chimp? Whatever guys. Denise kisses the monkey and the monkey makes noises in the chair. Zoom in and circle fade out to end the episode at 10:00 approx. Very dumb; but very cute guys. Not sensible; or makes sense in any way but cute. This falls under WCW and the New Disney's specialty: Entertaining crap. ** 1/2 (50%). Oh; and Harold does comes out of the bathroom; farts and then returns for no real reason that I can think of. So there's your update on Harold.


Well; another short ruined by the vainglorious little bastard known as Kick Buttowski. Still; I have to admit that Snowpocalpyse was the least disturbing in terms of bathroom humor and no nudity; but it was replaced by jack-hammering and Kick doing little of note other than taking the credit of others. The storyline was pretty good and the pacing was really good along with the usual awesome stuff from Jackie; but the logic breaks and sloppy flash animation dragged it down. And what was the point of repeating an entire sequence near the five minute mark? It served no purpose other than to get my goat. Wade and Gunther actually did pretty well and Kendall was nothing special; but considering how absurd Kick is; her bland character is actually a blessing. Overall; an okay short that could have been really good if the main character was Jackie instead of Kick.

Well; there's not much to say about According To Chimp in that it was entertaining, silly, dumb and cute. Most of it was nonsense and overbooked; but I liked it and the monkeys did give me enough entertainment to not turn on it so what can I say? It was what it was and it proves that everything is better with monkeys since Gunther and Kick sucked once again. So next up is The Treasure of Dead Man Dave (or Dink) and Dancing With The Enemy which should end the orphaned episodes on Kick Buttowski and soon be added to the Rant Shack. As for this weekend before Tuesday; I'll be doing Let Sleeping Giants Lie/A Gummi A Day Keeps The Doctor Away and Beg, Borrow And Steal from Gummi Bears. Next weekend; it's back to season six with Gummi Bears and two Kick Buttowski shorts; unless Run, Oscar, Run and/or Employee Discount somehow gets uploaded before then and then I'll be doing one short of each. So....

Thumbs in the middle for both shorts and I'll see you next time.


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