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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Dad's Car/The Treasure Of Dead Man Dave Rant

Reviewed: 10/10/2011

This Is A Written Report; Not A Video Show & Tell! Oooooooo.....

Welcome back to the Sadism Jungle as I resume ranting on that vainglorious bastard known as Kick Buttowski; The Suburban Daredevil as more shorts have been made available on Youtube. YAY! Oh wait; I mean, D'OH! Anyhow; this next short features that old standby of weaseling out of responsibility for smudging up your old man's car. Ummm; yeah. So how does Kick deal with it? Our second short features Kick doing a report on one of his heroes; but it isn't one you would expect. This is a history project about the man who name is attached to the bunny hill in Deadman's Drop to boot. Oh joy. So let's rant on shall we....?

Dad's Car is written and storyboards done by Clay Morrow. The story is done by David Shayne and directed by Sherm Cohen and Chris Savino. The Treasure of Dead Man "Dink" Dave is written by Nick Confalone and Derek Dressler. The storyboard was done by Rob Pratt and directed by Chris Savino and Sherm Cohen. Robb Pratt has already done storyboard revising for the show; but not an actual storyboard until about now. He's been doing artwork for various Disney movies, Animated American, and Looney Tunes Back In Action movie. He also does storyboards for Stuart Little 3, Danny Phantom and his first work Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins video in 1995. Kim Possible is his DTVA debut and he also does American Dragon Jake Long, The Emperor's New School, The Replacements and Secret Agent Oso. Superman Classic is his most recent credit. He has 12 storyboard credits, 16 animation credits and one writer credit. As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.

Opening Moment #1: Today's background title features Kick and Gunther strectching out a red sick car in shadows against a light brown background. Whatever guys. I should point out that the English version is missing a minute or so; therefore I'm using the international version and ignoring the dialogue.

Dad's Car: We begin this one with the DREAMY FLASHBACK OF DOOM as we see Harold Buttowski washing his car and shocking the battery. Ummm; yeah. We then return to reality (no, not really) as Kick and Brad are SHOCKED as Harold runs down all the features of this car which is so old fashioned that he would be laughed out of the building. As in Mr. Hardcore-ish. Kick and Brad are not amused as Harold tries to start up the On-Demand Ignition; but the demand is choked out. HA! It starts back up the second time though as the car's name is Monique. LAME! Has copyright gotten THIS bad that Harold couldn't come up with a slightly better name. Brad gets all dreamy because he'll get it in 228 days. Ummm; hasn't Brad need to pass the driving test now? Harold blows him off as Brad proclaims that he'll never let anyone do anything to the car and Harold blows him off again because Monique is a companion. And you thought Baloo's relationship with the Seaduck was delluisonal? Brad asks about his mother being Dad's best friend (Wait; so they AREN'T married? That's a BS&P decision if I ever saw one; but whatever.) and Harold blows him off because Monique doesn't know about Denise. I don't think they care either. It's a FREAKIN car; you think I am going to take their relationship seriously? At least Baloo is single and thus had a (lame) excuse until Kit got into his life. Denise calls Harold in for a cleaning job and Harold gets out of the car and goes into the house warning that he doesn't want to see any fingerprints on the car when he gets back. He then yells at Denise on the pickle jar. Ooookkkkkaayyyyy.

So we cut to Brad with the OUT OF NOWHERE garden hose as he tells Kick to be jealous and once he has Monqiue he might let Kick wash the car. Kick calls Brad's garden hose Margant and gets a spray of water right in the kisser; in which the power of suggestion makes him fly away. We then see Kick's glove grab the hose which allows Brad to do the....hip freeze. I have no clue what that spot is and I don't want to know as Kick throws a soap bucket over Brad's head. Brad eats green sponge and we jackhammer anime background as Brad spits the sponge into a branch of the tree and then invokes the SHIMMY CLOTH OF DEATH like a whip as Kick dodges all. So Kick invokes the OUT OF NOWHERE CHIA CHUG OF DOOM complete with tiger growling sound effect. Whatever Kick. And yes; it's toxic burning in case you ask despite Brad's somewhat poor selling of it. Kick ties up Brad with Margant the garden hose and then blows some air to tip Brad over. So Brad faceplants right into the side of Monique while Kick does the NOOOOOOOOOO yell and Monique has a scratch on it. Well Kick has no one but himself to blame for that since he's the one who tipped Brad over in an obvious logic breaking spot. We repeat the spot on a different angle as Kick removes Brad's face and there is our hair line scratch which begs the question: Does Brad have a razor blade nose to pull that one off or what?

So Brad and Kick blame the other for scratching Harold's car and I'm on Brad's side of things since it was Kick who TIED up Brad and blew him over to the car. Brad doesn't need to play "blame the guy on the crash helmet just because he's wearing one routine" since the evidence is in BRAD's favor here. Oh and during the blame games; the sponge knocks over a beehive and the bees swarm as Harold returns to yell at the boys for coming close to Monique as Brad lies that Kick was doing a dare devil stunt to cause the scratch (why bother? The evidence clearly shows Brad didn't intentionally scratch the car. Just explain what happened; Kick will get blamed for it anyway. Oh wait; that would turn Brad babyface. But; isn't he more over as a babyface bully?); and then the bees all insert right into his mouth. Brad's tongue swells up like crazy and he cannot speak as Kick proclaims that Brad needs to go to the hospital. As much of a heartless bastard Kick is; Kick is RIGHT for a change with that swollen tongue. Brad slurs due to jumbo sized tongue overwhelming his mouth. Harold agrees and wants to take his car as Brad walks to it; but Kick stops him at the pass right in front of the scratch. Kick proclaims that Brad might throw up on the way; so Harold forces Brad into the station wagon. Brad tries to protest; but no dice as if anything happens to Monique; Kick is dead (death reference #1 for the episode). Kick proclaims that he'll look after Monique as Harold drives away with Brad.

Kick wonder what he is going to do with Monique as we hear Gunther as he's inside the car in the front seat asking who the heck is Monique. Trust me Gunther; you do not want to know. Kick yells at him and Gunther proclaims that he didn't break anything as he gets out. Kick proclaims that Brad broke Monique. I see Kick has watched wrestling since all good heels deny that they were directly involved in the incident. See; if he doesn't fix Monique; he's grounded until he can drive. Gunther proclaims that Kick needs a time machine and Kick blows it off. Gunther then asks if he should tell the truth which leads to the NIGHTMARE OF DEATH as Harold cries, whines and sweats in the station wagon complete with splattered paint background. Huh? That makes no sense whatsoever. At least make it so Kick is threatened or something. That's a BS&P decision if I ever saw one. We return to reality (no, not really) as Kick proclaims that he'll fix it himself. What could possabiliy go wrong?

So we go to the montage as Kick is grinding with the grinder, invoking the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT (geez; this stuff just writes itself eh?), spray painting blue paint, and even doing a welding job. It's nice to know that Kick got a mask for protection although he'll need it for Harold's crying. Kick proclaims that it's good as new; and we see DA....HOLE as the entire door falls apart. HA! See what happens when you abuse the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT? Kick and Gunther are in shock as Kick proclaims that Gunther is right and needs serious help as we get the OUT OF NOWHERE cellphone. If you cannot guess who he calls; then you have no business reading this rant.

So we head inside the garage of the Food -N- Fix as Wade is playing with the levers for the red car as there is a red siern on the control panel. Wade answers the phone and proclaims that he'll be right there...He hangs up and walks out stage left as the car rises above the Food -N- Fix into the sky shattering the glass ceiling. Too bad the figural version of it is NOT happening in the new Disney. So we go to the scene changer as Wade has his tow truck attached to Harold's car as Kick explains the Krackpotkin plan: Gunther runs interfernce on Brad and Harold. Wade and Kick fix Dad's car as Gunther proclaims that Kick wants to cover up the truth by helping him. Kick agrees with him and he wants to bury the old truth into new and improved awesome not going to get grounded truth. It's nice to know Gunther as least knows who is really responsible for this stupidity. Gunther decides to join in anyway and brings his OUT OF NOWHERE shovel. For goodness sakes guys; enough of the magical teleporting items. It was bad in Piratesy Under The Sea and it's still terrible now. Gunther then realizes that it's all a figure of speech and bails for the hospital.

So we head to Mellowbrook Hospital (no General? That's sloppy guys) and it's as bland as the rest of this series. Maybe that awesome steampunkish hospital in TaleSpin makes me bias; but COME ON. Show some effort here guys! So we head into the doctor's office as Brad is sitting on the examination table with swollen tongue with Harold as we see Gunther enter dressed up as a white haired; white mustached doctor. So Gunther's plan to run interference is to act like Patrick Star from Suds. Works for me since Patrick impersonating a doctor is GOLD BABEE! Hey; at least it got Sandy No Sell Sweetcheeks over which was BADLY needed I might add. He calls himself Guntherstein (LAME!) and then jumps onto the table with the SCOPE OF DOOM. He puts the scope on Brad's ears and then Gunther screams badly. Then he uses the scope to squeeze on Brad's nose. Okay; I can accept that since this is the new Disney. If this was the old Disney; that would suck. Then he clamps on Brad's tongue which Brad sells poorly. He snaps the tongue back and starts writing in his notepad. Harold asks if this is serious and then we zoom into the back of Gunther's underwear as it has Gunther's name on it. Now who would be dumb enough to put their own name on a pair of underpants since Gunther is the ONLY kid of the Magmumson family. Brad blows him off and we can barely hear him this time. Ah; I see the swelling of the tongue has gone down. Sadly; Harold is TOO FREAKIN DENSE to notice when Brad shakes his arm; so Gunther calls for restraints. Whatever. I mean we clearly hear Brad screaming that it's Gunther and Harold DOESN'T notice? Why do I bother? It's the new Disney.

So we head back to the garage of the Food -N- Fix as Wade brings down Kick and Harold's car. It is officially fixed and the paint job looks new. Wade asks for comments and Kick proclaims that it didn't happened. Too bad I HAVE the footage to prove otherwise; although I doubt Harold would buy it anyway. So we have five minutes left and of course Kick leans back on the conviently placed lever on the lift and the car goes driving out of the garage. Kick does his usual biscuits promo and skateboards out as Wade calls it bad karma with a captial C as he breaks the fourth wall by drawing a C with his finger right on the camera lens. Okay; that was cute as we get the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE BAD CARMA EDITION~! This is good because I don't have to bother calling it. We get the overloaded street intersection spot as Kick races in front; spins around the lightpole like a stripper and pushes the button to make the light go green. I think that was the spot despite not seeing Kick touch the button during the spin-o-rama. Sigh. We get the truck in the way spot of course which leads to Kick finding a cement mixer truck and using it to pour cement on the ground and then drying it with his only real fan in the world. Oh lord; that was more disturbing than I had intended. Then we unleash some cars off the towing appattus which allows the car to go off the conviently placed ramp and spin like a helicopter towards a hotel called Hotel Soto. I do not get the pun here guys. Kick then runs into the hotel and into the elevator. I betcha we get the old "no nothing and see if the kids laugh at it" spot here. I check the Youtube video....Nope; just anime background and Kick rides out. Good for them; I've seen enough of that spot in a series' lifetime. Kick opens the window with the turner and in comes the car as it slams into the elevator and the elevator closes on cue.  Okay; this is seriously getting overbooked now.

So the car goes through the flip door as the African American usher greets the car, and then blows off Kick for skateboarding. I have heard of racism; but this is CRAPPY racist; which is somehow EVEN WORSE! Kick skateboard as the CELLPHONE OF DOOM rings and Kick answers it. It's "doctor" Gunther on the phone as we see Brad restrained to the examination table and wearing a white latex glove on his head as we see Kick skateboarding on the street in front of the hospital as Brad kicks and screams managing to break the restraints. Harold is concerned and here comes the real doctor entering from the door. Yeah; Harold is THAT dense not to notice that the real doctor is about four times bigger than Gunther and is African American. There is suspension of disbelief and than there's Harold Buttowski. Oh and Brad is wearing latex gloves on his feet too as Gunther is so freakin BUSTED! Even Whackie Jackie could have figured this one out. Clamantha is debatable though. Gunther does the spin disappearing trick through the window as the doctor grabs the wig getting it back. Whatever sir.

So we head back to the street as Kick is still on the damn cellphone and we head into the park. Apparently; this is exactly the same plot line they used before in Runaway Recital. Replace piano with car. And people accuse Phineas & Ferb of being repetitive? So Kick does the biscuits promo double time as he steals the PICNIC BASKET OF YOGIS from the conviently placed couple sitting on a table cloth on the grass. Like I'm buying that Kick is just borrowing the picnic basket. So he invokes the picnic basket which has the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE as it attaches to the car and it opens the parachute to slow down the car. Like I'm buying that the couple packed a checkered table cloth parachute in that thing. So the car stops and Kick does the double devil's pose as we cut back to Harold in the station wagon with Brad blowing off Brad for scaring that doctor to jump out of the window. DAMMIT guys! Why must the adult be a total retard?! I mean; it's so obvious that it was Gunther being an idiot. I can understand Harold not knowing why Gunther was faking being a doctor; but not realizing the obvious that it IS Gunther?!

Anyhow; Brad's speech is getting a lot better as they stop at a crosswalk as the crossing guard is wearing some of the shortest shorts allowed by BS&P. That allows an old grandpa to use a scooter across the street and then we find out that it's Gunther in another disguise as Brad gets all pissy about it. Gunther stops in front of them completely and answers his ringing cellphone. Okay; that I can accept. So we see that Kick is inside as he is going home. That's right folks; the new Disney is going to ALLOW an eight-12 year old kid drive legit. Well; in the old Disney; they allowed Kit to drive a steamroller and be a former terrorist, so why not?! Gunther drives away proclaiming that he was getting the hang of it. However; Brad shows Harold his learning permit (so he DID get his license after all...Finally; some actual character development for this babyfaceish heel); and Harold allows him to drive after all since it's ONLY his mother's car. Why do I smell setup for Brad Buttowski here?

Anyhow; Kick starts Monique and...oh boy; that was more disturbing than I had intended it to be....and it chokes out on him. HAHA! I see the child prevention starter is working perfectly on that thing. We cut back to the station wagon as Harold and Brad trade places as Harold tries to explain the complexity of driving. So Brad drives like a NASCAR racer. Eat my dust indeed! If only Brad hadn't been mercilessly buried in earlier shorts; this would have been cute. We cut back to Kick and Monique still will not start. HAHA! You know Kick is screwed as a future driver if he cannot even START a car properly without screwing it up. Looks like it's Public Transit for you. Don't worry; you get used to it. Like me actually. Kick finally starts the car as he cheers to get Monique home; but the GOD OF IRONY strikes again as Monique is literally out of gas as shown on the fuel gauge. HAHA! Kick invokes the cellphone and calls to Gunther to pull out all the stops as we cut to Gunther near a street corner as he has uprooted a stop sign. What; no rabid dog sequence before that? That's pretty sloppy guys. Gunther hangs up and drops his phone as it bounces right into the sewers where there is a men at work sign. Then Gunther bellyflops right into the sewers. No really; I'm as shocked as you are.

So we cut to Kick pushing Monique towards the stop sign which depresses me since an eight year old has enough strength to push that car. I see Larson & Gary has infected him. I told you that Cheetah Chug is one step towards taking the real thing. I just needed evidence from this short to prove it. Kick is panting hard as we see Mrs. Chickarelli drive in and stop at the stop sign. She drives away just as Kick has another Krackpotkin Plan as he does the old car hitchhiker routine (as seen first in The Wuzzles Ghostrustlers episode with Hoppo). So we ride for a while and turn the corner as Kick does the old Baloo trademark routine of resting his feet on the steering wheel. And here comes Brad Buttowski and the station wagon coming in. Kick looks back and panics as Harold believes that this looks like his car; so Kick removes the fuzzy dice and Harold proclaims that it's not his car. Oy vey there guys. I am getting sick and tired of Harold being made to look like a total idiot.

So we do some evasive movement to prevent Brad from passing Kick and Brad passes on the right side waving goodbye to Kick's freedom. If Harold doesn't realize the obvious here; then we can safely write him off as a clueless putz for life. Kick eats dust as the manhole cover opens and here comes Gunther covered in feeces literally. Oh god; I thought we were finally getting over this crap with Gunther. Everyone panics as Gunther proclaims that he found his phone as the station wagon sweveres right; but Mrs. Chickerelli stops on a dime in front of Gunther allowing Monique to fly (and magically lose the rope completely natch) into the air right in front of the station wagon as Kick does the double devil's pose shouting KOD. If he means concussion on delivery; than he's right since he does have one after that promo. The car lands in front of the driveway and the station wash crashes into the power pole natch. Harold recovers as Brad shakes Harold like a maniac trying to speak as apparently; the swelling on the tongue has returned to muffle his voice.

Brad drags out Harold and points to the scratch on the door and Harold has had enough and orders Brad to go to his return. So Kick tells Harold that Brad claims Kick scratched his car. Brad proclaims that Kick is busted; but there is no scratch on the door and Brad is completely (insert swear word here). Harold is PISSED as Brad tries to explain all this; but here comes "doctor" Gunther trying to calm him down and takes Brad into the house. And then Harold proclaims that there was ALWAYS a scratch on that side of the door. So; this rendered the whole episode pointless. Why doesn't that surprise me? At least Harold doesn't look like a retard anymore. Anyhow; Kick proclaims that he got the scratch fixed and Harold is happy and even offers to give Kick first digs on the car. Well; Kick and Wade did fix the scratch so it works out as Denise comes out and she is really upset since that station wagon was HER car. YOU ROTTEN SEXIST BASTARDS! Even females can have dellusional relationships with international objects too. What the hell is wrong with you people? Why are you staring at me like that? Oh and he's Antonio as Kick and Harold do a doubletake to end the short at 10:20 approx. Just another pointless, overbooked clustermuck with a better finish. ** 1/2 (50%).

Opening Moment #2: The title card shows a red skull and cross bones doing the double devil's pose. I see the blood red motif is in effect here

The Treasure Of Deadman Dave: We begin this one at Mellowbrook school as Mrs. Fritzpatrick is "praising" Kendell for her "oral" report on Susan B. Anthony; whoever the hell she is (Okay; she is a civil rights leader; although with Fritz's boredom, I wonder...) as she thought it was right up there with Martin Luther King Jr, Sitting Bull and Rosie The Rivater which was Gunther's report as Gunther even dresses like her and does the pump muscle spot. HAHA! Well; you cannot fault Gunther for putting the effort in that "oral" report eh? Fritz's asks who is next and Kick is at the front of the room saying that he's next. Kick turns to address the class as his report is a historical figure to beat all historical figures and it's: Dead Man Dave. PLONK!! Except for Jackie who claps like mad. HAHA! You can tell someone is pleased with that. Before I hear from Miss Fritzpatrick blowing off Kick; I want to ask something. Ummm; wasn't he originally called Dead Man Dink in Deadman's Drop? I mean; you allow Kick to be naked for more shorts than I could count at this point; and BS&P takes exception to a name that was used for a dinosaur kid voiced by R.J. Williams?! There's whack and then there's WHACK!! Okay Miss Fritz; you can blow off Kick starting now...So Kick keeps going anyway since TAFKA Dink (and yes; this is my running joke for the short) is the father of modern skateboarding. No; don't laugh, he's serious here. Wait; he's not making a funny joke here guys. See; his motto is "Do It All And Then Some". Oookkkkaayyyy; did we need the martial arts zoom in Kick? So Kick begins the story when he was still TAFKA AliveMan Dink and we martial arts zoom in with shadow again. I think Fritz should put both Kick and the cameraman in dentention for excessive zoom in.

So we do the FLASHBACK OF DOOM as we head into a cave filled with skateboards and surfboards. We pan over to a blond haired dude in red/yellow shorts and flip-flops with a green baseball cap on backwards (I cannot believe Kit Cloudkicker started that trend in popular culture. I always thought KC's legacy would be remembered for being an awesome child character who did extreme sky surfing before it was cool) building a skateboard on concrete blocks. Naturally; Kick narrates here because silence is not golden in the ADD era of cartoon unless it is to see if the kids will laugh at it. He throws the hammer away and of course something shatter with a cat screaming sound effect. So we get more mud splattered across the screen (because this is in your face) and he tries out the skateboard on a ramp which not even Kick would use. We head back to reality (no, not really) as Fritz has the Gruffi pose on full blast. I cannot blame her; only Kick Buttowski would come up with something this stupid. Kick keeps going on claiming that he doesn't need magic and matches the Gruffi pose on her. See; when he died he hid the skateboard in a cave that was booby trapped throughout the ages. Remember those stories we told that were so absurd that they made for exciting conversation at the bar; but were total BS in reality? This is what Kick has stooped to and it really grinds my gears because Kick isn't all that likable to begin with. And then he found it yesterday as everyone gasps, probably in horror. Except for Jackie; who at least is getting a lot of entertainment value out of this; if you can call it that. See; he remembered it like it was yesterday. Of course Kick; because it was either yesterday or BS. I'm picking the later here.

So we go to the FLASHBACK OF DOOM and we see Kick and Gunther (Funny how Gunther gasps in horror despite the fact that HE'S part of the story. Which means Kick's story is total BULL-S***!) in front of the entrance to a mine shaft as Gunther asks Kick about TAFKA Deadman Dink's skateboard being in there and Kick brings out the BROWN BOOK OF AUTOGRAPHIC LYING and Gunther reads it. Apparently; reading it means that you are not extreme enough and there are 300 pages. Why yes; they did a rib on Al Khan's crack about kids not reading (which I point out is totally false because kids read differently.), why do you ask? Kick tells him to look at the cover and we see TAFKA Dink posing in front of the mine shaft on the cover which is almost the same as in the real area. The only difference is that Kick is doing the posing in real life. Whatever Kick. And naturally Gunther; despite doing the whistle book raise spot about eight times, doesn't get it. Am I supposed to laugh at that? If so; you failed guys. So Kick proclaims that TAFKA Dink wanted someone to inherit the skateboard and that man is Kick Buttowski. Wow; they are so cheap today that they don't even bother jack-hammering the spot at all. Not that this cheapness is a bad thing. As I said; cheap but effective. Gunther does the same thing and it's clear the animators are smoking something illegal because there's nothing for Gunther's foot to stand on.

So we head into the mine shaft with the KB scene changer as Gunther acts like Scooby and Kick acts like Shaggy without the munchies. And Kick's helmet has a light on it. Gunther has the standard banana yellow mining hat which is fine because in mining; fashion sense need not apply. Gunther bumps his nose into the wall and Gunther sells the back of his head. Explain THAT one kids?! Gunther wants to give up and tries to bail; but Kick pulls him by the ass. To be fair; Baloo did the same thing to Broadcast Sally in The Time Bandit, so this isn't a new thing. Kick goes to the wall as Gunther calls it a dead end. If you want to count the references to death; then do it on your own time. I find it a really cheap way to break Bearly Alive's record of 16 references in a single episode when all you need to do is reference TAFKA Dink's title name. Kick doesn't believe in dead ends. So those McJobs have a point or something Kick? Inquiring minds would love to know.

Neither did TAFKA Dink as Kick headbutts the wall as Gunther uses Kick as an international object. That made Drake Mallard feel really dirty for some reason. Gunther proclaims that there must be a better way to win this test and Kick looks up and sees the conviently placed rope in the ceiling. So now Kick has to jump up on Gunther's arms. We do the Shaggy/Scooby embrace as Gunther proclaims that he is not athletic as he looks. YOU THINK GUNTHER?! Anyhow; Kick ponders his options and we see that the red mushroom have come completely OUT OF NOWHERE for logic break #1 for the episode three minutes in. Gunther panics (Oh give me a break Gunther!) and throws Kick up and he pulls on the rope and the wall opens up. Gunther flips over the door on cue too as Kick references his fear of fungus. That is so random and forced that it's not funny. How could Gunther MISS that? Gunther jumps onto the door and sezs finally approving of the logic break. Why doesn't that surprise me.

So we get the KB SCENE CHANGER OF DOOM and walk into the cave some more. We see a skull attached to a skull by it's eye and Kick tells Gunther to be careful. After all the place is loaded with booby traps. Gunther goes all Butthead on us (That would have been funny back when Beavis & Butthead was cool and old DTVA was the target; but it doesn't work anymore.) and we get trap #1 sprung: Spikes come up from the wall and the ceiling. Okay; the floor spikes look a wee bit contrived for my liking. So we the easterly wind this time as we head to two tunnels. One looks like a subway hall and the other has a skull & crossbones which clearly shows the location of TAFKA Dink's hideout. Gunther of course wants to go through the subway hall. Here's a clue Gunther: If there is a nice subway hall; chances are it was painted like that. Think Wild E. Coyote's Krackpotkin Plan #1098 and you'll get the picture. Kick proclaims that this separates the men from the boys as one of the spikes pokes Gunther's belly and does zero damage whatsoever. Wimp!

Gunther claims that he is a boy and Kick grabs him and we run into the crossbones cave entrance of course. Kick stops and invokes his biscuits promo as we have the bottomless pit. Well; it's not really bottomless, although in this Sara Palin logical world; you just never know. Gunther told us we should go through the subway hall because there is popcorn and drinks. Well; that makes me want to be a boy again. So Kick does the double devil's pose and jumps in and we interrupt this absurd story for a Fritzpatrick blow off and questioning session. Kick answers that it was the only way to get to the board and Fritz decides to let him go since it's always fun to see someone grab enough rope to hang himself. So we fall down the so called bottomless pit as Kick calls this skydiving and Gunther screams because they don't have parachute. I beg to differ Gunther; since BS&P is around you know so you'll have the magical OUT OF NOWHERE parachute on you soon enough.

However; they fall into the sewer like sludge water with a splash and we go down the sewer river while Kick does his double devil's pose again when he bobs up. Whatever Kick. Board smashes into Kick's face and it's surfing in the sewer. Look; it's easy to get grossed out and be offended here, but after about 150 episodes of TMNT; it's difficult to build up the outrage for this. So we grab Gunther and we get the poop references and spit take that goes with it. You know Fanboy & Chum Chum are a special kind of suck when Kick Buttowski can actually build a toilet humor spot correctly. We splash and pop up again as we surf the sewer on an crocodile. I guess surfing on a big ass turtle would get Disney sued for gimmick infringement. And then we do the devil pose and head straight into the crocodiles just in time for Fritzpatrick to interupt again. Memo to Fritz: The key to properly making Kick hang himself is to NOT interrupt and LET Kick grab enough logical rope to hang himself. After that; then you blow him off and give him a failing grade. That is funny. Doing it this way only gives creditability to Kick and makes you look like a jerk. Oh wait; it's Kendell acting like a lawyer. My mistake. In that case; it's perfectly fine as Kendell calls this a waste of educational resources and a waste of time. So Jackie does the LION SCREAM OF DEATH on Kendell to shut her up. TOTAL MARKUP CITY FOR THAT SPOT! Good for her; Kendell is so bland she ruins my buzz on this episode in general. Jackie winks at the camera and wants Kick to continue as Kick goes up on Fritz's desk (as per in Father From The Truth) and completely bypasses the part on the crocodiles which clearly shows that this is BS.

So we head back to the sewer cave as the GOOFS WITH VAINGLORIOUS ATTITUDE rise up from the sewer water below the waterfall and Kick points to TAFKA Dink's cave. So Kick is outside and goes to the convinetly placed wooden door and tries to open it. However; no dice since there is a clear padlock on it despite Kick totally missing it. Kick proclaims that it's locked. NO?! REALLY?!! Gunthers swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (rats!) as Kick tells Gunther not to worry because TAFKA Dink hid a key somewhere. Probably in the best place in the entire world which is INSIDE the hideout. Gunther then points and we have lots and lots of rats. And lots of red eyes to go with it too. Kick likes this though as the rats run in and then scatter before they make it to the boys; because here comes the giant ass rat from The Incredible Shrinking Molly. WHAT THE HELL?! Did Doctor Zibadlo somehow teleport himself into this world? Then that explains the logic of this place then! Or the writers are insane. I think it's the latter now.

We growl, bite Kick's helmet and shake while Gunther bails. Whatever guys. Kick smashes into the wall and Kendell stops the proceedings again. We return to discover that Kick is against the chalkboard and Kendell wants a stop to this insanity. If she means the new Disney; then I can see a lot of old DTVA fans nodding their heads in approval even though there is nothing we can do about it. Sorry Kendell; but there is a reason why Disney is a Detriot Disease company. And this show is Exhibit A. Kendell paces around blowing off the queen rat and calls it illogical. Not in this universe it isn't Kendell as Kick claims that TAFKA Dink's axle grease causes abnormal growth in rats. Which sounds plausible at least; but whatever. Kick calls it science and Jackie believes him. If Jackie believes it; then it must be true. In this world; Kick is almost like Peter Griffin. Almost. Wink! Wink! Wink like you never winked before Jackie The Stalker Whackerman as the students talk among themselves.

Gunther is wishing he were somewhere else as Fritz bangs her gravel on the desk and wants order. Jackie blows it off ranting on and one like the insane girl that she is. And because Fritz is a fuddy-duddy to the N'th degree she pushes the conviently placed red button and she is in a clear sound proof dome. WHAT THE HELL?! What kind of school can afford such a thing? Never mind as Fritz wants Kick to proceed. So Kick splays himself against the chalkboard again and we return to Kick's SARA PALIN ALTERNATIVE REALITY OF DEATH. And he slides down as the rat growls and the key is attached to his phillic symbol thingy inside his mouth. So Kick adjust his helmet and climb up to the top of the wooden wall much to Gunther's dismay as we see the key on the FPS shot and Kick grabs a ceiling spike and uses it as a surfboard down the ramp. So that was a skateboard ramp? So that means that they are ALREADY inside his...Oh never mind; as Kick jumps into the air and the spike lands square on the rat's foot allowing it to scream like a little rat and Kick dives in and grabs the key.

However; the rat's mouth closes and he is swallowed whole. Yeah; sure whatever. So Gunther backs up calling for Kick as the rat stalks him and growls and snarls. So Gunther invokes the PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH OF DEATH (Just bear with me on this one guys) and sweet talks it. And then eats it and said oops. Well; that was so NOT a waste of time. Yeah; it was actually. So the rat backs up and he has a stomach ache. Are we really surprised that Kick is toxic enough for that rat to have stomach pains? And then the rat drops dead as Gunther calls for Kick again and Kick has magically teleport BEHIND Gunther and has the WCW KEY OF DOOM. Like we are supposed to buy that Kick was spit out and is selling rat spit on his clothes when we didn't even see him spit out when the rat dropped dead.

Gunther does ask Kick and Kick proves my point by saying that you don't want to know. Gunther calls him hardcore. Seriously he did. Sorry; but Kit Cloudkicker IS hardcore. So we unlock the door and head inside to TAFKA Deadman Dink's hideout as there are skateboards littered around and some are like moblies. Kick likes the boards and Gunther likes the salty snacks covered in cobwebs. EWWWWW! GET HIM AWAY! GET HIM AWAY! Kick tells him not to touch anything. Kick walks around and notices a pile of golden skateboards littered on the ground. And then he becomes a hypocrite by touching the skateboards. Sigh. He climbs the top and grabs the top skateboard as Gunther proclaims that he got the skateboard. Kick sezs no and then jumps into the pile throwing away skateboard after golden skateboard until he finds the true skateboard since it's the one that is breaking in a cross like formation and has tape on it. Why doesn't that surprise me? Gunther wants some chips and Kick yells at him. However; we cut to Gunther on the green sofa (!!!) pulling on a bag of chips which so happens to have a rope attached to it and we see rumbling. You know Gunther is a total idiot when a stale bag of chips can fool him. Maybe Milo's one sip only policy does have some merit.

Gunther claims that he didn't touch it despite having the bag in his mouth. That is called touching in my book. So the GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE bail and run; but the floor crumbles beneath their feet and we free fall again. Yawn. And the skateboard falls and sticks to a rock covered in magma while Gunther and Kick hang on for dear life. Oh goody; we get to redo the finish from Dances With Bigfoot too. Only make it more not believable then Drake Mallard ever could. Gunther loses his grip; but Kick grabs him before he dies. Gunther proclaims that they almost made it and Kick blows it off as he reveals his Krackpotkin Plan; and to hell if you think I'm going to explain it. Show! Don't tell Kick. Gunther goes into melodramatics about being replaced which I find funny considering how more likable Gunther has become in recent episodes. Kick blows it off (umm; YAY...) as Gunther proclaims that he cannot do it all and Kick responds that he can do it all and then some. You wish you were an everyman Kick. Kit is the Everybear; but that doesn't really count since it involves a man see. POW! OUCH! Hey.....

...And we martial arts zoom again and count to three. And then Fritz interrupts AGAIN just as the skateboard magically disappears on the rock. Wow; I shake my head in disbelief here. We see Kick hanging onto the ledge of the chalkboard as Fritz wants evidence and so Kick shows Gunther blushing. Riiiggghhtttt Kick. Kendell wants the super skateboard and everyone ooohs on cue. Kick responds that this is an ORAL report and not show and tell and Kendell blushes and gets oooo'ed by the students. Oh please; this is NOT a good oral sex joke. You want a good oral sex joke; try "This is an ORAL EXAM; not show and tell.".

Fritz then blows off the report because it was completely fabricated; but since he entertained us; he passes barely and Kick will live with that. WHAT?! I beg to differ there Fritz. Kick walks out of the door; does the double devil's pose and goes out of sight. Fritz then tells Kick that it's only 11:30 and school is not out as Kick is at the sidewalk and riding on the broken down skateboard he found. Huh? Then why didn't he just show the damn skateboard? That would at least make Fritz think twice about the story being BS as Kick skateboards away and Fritz is giving Kick detention as the manhole cover opens and there is the giant big ass rat rising from the sewer with terrible screeching music and that ends the episode at 10:00 approx. Just your average clustermuck; but the story is so BS that it did have some entertainment value; mostly from Jackie of course. ** 3/4 (55%). So we end with Kick and Gunther doing a parody of the brick wall spot from Peanuts as Gunther asks how he escaped the giant rat and Kick proclaims that he ran in circles until the rat pooped him out. I cannot argue with that overwhelming logic there Kick. Seriously; that is the most believable part of the whole story. Not saying much; I'm sure.


Well; we end the first half of Season One of Kick Buttowski like most shorts involving the vainglorious bastard: an overbooked, repetitive, pointless cluster muck in Dad's Car. I will give Kick this; he trying to fix his father's car was pretty noble, but I would have lived without making Harold look like a moronic idiot. Brad was buried as I expected him to be as he got no heel offense in and Gunther was okay until he covered himself with feces near the end. In short; just another day in the vainglorious bastard's life. I'll still take it over Box Office Blitz any day of the week though.

Okay; so The Treasure Of Dead Man Dave was just another cluster muck that was so absurd that only Kick could present an oral report on it. It wasn't the most entertaining BS story I have seen; but it did contain some cute gems including Kick getting eaten by the rat from The Incredible Shrinking Molly and Jackie going into a funny insane rant and almost screaming Kendell's head off. Sure; there was the poop jokes (although these ones were not random at least) and attempt at an oral sex joke that didn't catch. And of course it had to end with a magma cliffhanger that was clearly too fake to be taken seriously. So in other words; just your average Kick Buttowski episode that was just good enough to keep me interested; but nothing really special at all and I'll likely forget it after I finish putting up the rant. So that ends all the orphan episodes on Kick Buttowski and I have seven episodes left in Season one. I haven't decided on which ones to do first; so it'll depend on my mood which ones to do when the prep work is done tomorrow. I might even decide to bite the bullet and do Halloween Haul and get it done with as a mini-rant tomorrow. Depends on my mood of course. So next weekend; I finish with King Igthorn and get Gummi Bears out of the way. Then it's Kick Buttowski season one for the rest of the year; then it's moving to 50webs and doing prep work for Fish Hooks, Kick Buttowski Season 2 and Ducktales. Woo-hoo!So.....

Thumbs in the middle for both shorts and I'll see you next time.

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