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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Exposed!!/Wade Against The Machine Rant

Reviewed: 10/07/2011

The Disney Machine Gets Exposed....AGAIN!!

Welcome back to the Sadism Jungle as I resume ranting on that vainglorious bastard known as Kick Buttowski; The Suburban Daredevil as more shorts have been made available on Youtube. YAY! Oh wait; I mean, D'OH! So we continue on with Kick losing his helmet and we finally get to answer that question about Kick: Irony or straight about Kick's hair or lack of it thereof. Our second short features our first Wade focused episode as Wade has been got a promotion; which doesn't sit well with Kick and Gunther. Why doesn't it sit well with them? Do I care? So let's rant on shall we....?

Exposed is written by Mitch Larson, story by Derek Dressler, storyboard by Troy Adomitis and directed by Chris Savino and Sherm Cohen. Wade Against The Machine is written by Derek Dressler. The storyboards were done by Clay Morrow and directed by Chris Savino and Sherm Cohen. CSSC indeed! As for the animation studio; it's all done on Flash. My opinion on Flash: It works like all mediums. If the talent sucks; then the product is going to suck. Tools don't matter.

Opening Moment #1: Basically an orange background with an explosion of the word Exposed with Kick's helmet inbetween the words. Whatever guys; it's not like you can be anymore unoriginal at this point.

Exposed!!: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM and then inside the garage as we see Kick with the VAINGLORIOUS SKATEBOARD BICYCLE OF DOOM. Oh; it also has a white sign saying awesome on it. Kick might know how to spell awesome; but he doesn't know the meaning of the word. Then again; Kick doesn't know the meaning of most words. Needless to say; we get the knock on the helmet and WE ARE vaingloriously suck the meat missile with gusto down the steps. Mom loses her clothes basket, Dad his briefcase, the door loses it's ability to close, Kendell gets bounced into a treehouse and gets blown off by the DORKS WITH BOOKS just to make sure Al Khan gets his overdue heart attack. Kick of course has underwear in his face as we go to the STUNT RAMP OF LAMEASS (might as well get all the Maxie Zeus catchphrases on this show in early eh?) and the metal cage catches the bike and Kick does his worst E. Honda impression and goes through the sewer drain in the street below the bus stop with three people (a fat old lady, a red head and some guy with the CHL mustache) and through the sewers. Yeah; he went through a three inch drain for logic break #1 for the episode barely 40 seconds in.

We get the Sewer scene changer (this series has been a moral sewer so it's fitting) as we head to the TOXIC HIDEOUT OF DEATH as we get a closeup of Gunther's watch. I know this because it's looks like a wooden cuckoo clock. Did I already mention....? Ummm; yeah I did.....Moving right along; we then see Kick fly through the sewer (this would be an awesome visual if the artwork was like TaleSpin's; but it doesn't catch here) and we get splash down as he goes through the paper hoop of doom and Gunther just stands there keeping the awwww motion just to get smiled by sewage. Ummm; whatever Gunther. It's hard to get offended by this when I watch MXC and see the same thing basically; only done better with funnier material. Kick bounces off the mud (!!!) and over the rock (methinks someone screwed up here) and goes splash into the muck. Kick pops up and does his usual vainglorious pose and he's clearly missing his helmet. Gunther chuckles because his head is naked which clearly indicates that Kick is bald. Doesn't anyone who writes this show know ANYTHING about subtley? Kick knocks on head (and it makes the same empty sound natch) and then screams loudly complete with jackhammered crimson red/pink explosion background. Well; Taraus does the same one with a plain red background in 1991; so it isn't out of place here, just plain overkill. Sky shot of scream and then we see Kick and Gunther search the mud for the helmet.

This goes on until AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Kick finds a lot of junk except for the helmet. Kick continues to panic as Gunther gleefully points out the obvious to me and then we get a really laughable screw up as Kick throws mud in Gunther's face on a blowoff and the mud vanishes in the very next frame! This is made worse by the fact that there is mud all over Gunther to begin with! At least that move is still legal in the new Disney (see Destiny Rides Again when Baloo threw mud in Kit's face). See; the helmet is a part of his identity. In other words; Kick is bald! I'm calling it right now. It's special as we get that jackhammered to the ground as we see a bunch of vikings minting a helmet out of metal and shining in the light. Then we see the Mellowbrook Toy Store (which it's artwork looks crappier than usual) and we get more overdone shots of helmets in packages as Denise takes on and puts the helmet on five year old Kick's head. Like I'm buying this crap Kick. We all know that you pay for the helmet BEFORE you try it. It's the AMERIKKKAN way see.

He knocks on helmet as he drives his bicycle outside the house and he runs over Harold (what a shock?) as Kick's monologue is dragging even more than him getting dragged into the wood shed by Johnny Test. Nice faceplant there Harold; not so nice logic breaking flames of doom when Kick bicycles away. We then do a light to shadow shot as we return to reality (no, not really) as Gunther sells it because he never talks about it. Kick proclaims that he never talks about his kidneys either. Probably because he doesn't have any since they both brust during his stunt work too.  Kick proclaims that he doesn't know who he is without helmet. Oh TAG guys! I'm sorry; I know he is supposed to BSOD (blue screen of death); but I have seen A Bad Reflection On You and Kick trying to do one annoys me to no end. Gunther lowers his class level a notch (be thankful that this is after Not Without My Cereal era so it's just one instead of 23 like it was before) by throwing some booking names and Kick blows him off and Gunther counters claiming that it's his name.

Then we hear the NORWAY HORN OF DOOM and see Helga (I think) at the front door blowing it. We cut back to Gunther proclaiming that he needs to leave for dinner and he gets to slay the Ox. Wow. That might be only time I have heard a child character want to kill something on DTVA; albeit a "helpless" animal. Gunther then calls Kick "Tom" and leaves. That was lame; should have called him Kit if the new Disney wanted to insult the DTVA fans. So Kick continues to throw various international objects as we pan northwest...and then it's morning as we head to Gunther's house as a newspaper plops onto the welcome mat and out comes Gunther in his night robe and slippers (the robe probably made of the ox's hide knowing Gunther's family) as he opens the newspaper. We then see Gunther in shock because the front page shows that Kick had enough MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH to take out an ad Have You Seen Me and a picture of Kick's helmet. John Cena: No, because YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

Then we break logic and reason (and I do mean REASON) as there are ads on the helmet littered on the streets and posts. If there was ever a need for a Post No Bills Law; Kick Buttowski would be responsible for it. Gunther runs across town and we proceed to jackhammer the whole thing right down to the ground. I'm not calling it as we have a meeting of the mind (in this case; Gunther's mind of all minds) and it wasn't at the Mellowbrook Toy Store where Kick could have simply bought a new helmet. Seriously; this short makes the Idiot Plot look smart. Oh; and Kick is wearing a hunting cap as Kick explains that the helmet is not at the gully. Oh TAG guys! The helmet popped out when he made contact with the mud so it still has to be there somewhere. Gunther then gleefully points out the obvious and Kick naturally blows him off because if he simply did what I asked the short would be OVERAH~! Kick insulted Gunther's mother! Where is Mr. T when you really need him?! You NEVER talk back to anyone's mother Kick. More so Magnus's beloved.

Oh and let's jackhammer the whole point home by bringing up Cool Condor kissing his skateboard and he has the Jewish nose to boot! Well; he's not evil so I guess it's okay to do that. Oh wait; there is a NAZI raven on the skateboard and he's wearing camlofaluge with the army helmet. We then see him skateboard on a ramp and then jump right onto a runaway train. Wow; Cool Condor is a million times cooler than Kick already. We then jackhammer some more with Rock Calahan wearing a fire/green helmet and the SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT while wearing a cool black leather jacket as he is driving a purple car which reduces the manliness quite a bit. It only works with Drake Mallard as he spits in the time and then drives over the incomplete bridge. We then get the most pointless shot of green army helicopters in the air and then we see Rock go over to the other side as he has a white cloth and he wipes one of the eyes of the sunglasses to a shine. Oh wait; he jumped through (!!!) the side doors of the helicopters which is admittly badass.

Then we jackhammer to a BMX extreme event with Dirtbike Mike (wearing green/black with red gloves) which his gloves have the words gut on them which is symbolize with the amount of punching they do on me for this series. The left glove spell out See which is supposed to spell Gutsy. I see Dirtbike Mike comes from the Baloo School of Spelling. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm... He jumps the ramp and dodges the flamethrowers and does some moves ending with him going through the flamming hoops. Well; it's all okay because he took safety precautions wearing the suit. Even Kit was smart enough to watch Backdraft. See; this is the general problem with Kick: Kick is supposed to be this awesome stuntman in training; but his stunts are nothing you don't see in a normal extreme event where safety precautions can be taken while Kit tends to work without a net and usually without any precautions.

Anyhow; the whole point of this silliness is that without the helmet Kick doesn't know who he is anymore. Umm; you know Kick is screwed as a human being when he doesn't even remember his own real name Clarence. Gunther wants to understand and Kick blows him off because only a daredevil would understand and he walks off stage right. I betcha Gunther gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and realizes that he needs to talk to a stuntman to cheer him up....and that stuntman is Billy Stumps making his return to my rants since Stumped. I check the Youtube video.....Nope; not yet as we return to Kick's house as we see Kick do his overwrought routine in reverse! It's as crappy as when we see it proper as we see a helmet in the black background in a jump cut and then cut to Kick on the floor spread eagle with a target painted red around him. And he's still wearing the hunting hat.

We then see Gunther open the door as we are in Kick's house. Gunther notices the swirly wheel (I'm guessing that it's another smear blood shot that the writers love to imply in place of actual storyline and logic) as he goes over to the closet to grab a jumpsuit and there are none as Kick points to the trashcan which is stuffed with Kick's gear and blue skateboard. I see Kick's suits are either compact; or he can stuff stuff in the trash can well. Gunther gets all mad and walks out and slams the door and then suddenly gets the idea....and opens the door and steals the skateboard and trashcan as he walks out. We then see Kick flop down on the floor looking at the light in a really annoying BSOD. We go to the day to night to day shot within five seconds and then we see a paper airplane fly through the window which is hilarious considering that this IS Kick's bedroom. Oh TAG guys! I mean doesn't that just make Kick look really bad in Deadman's Drop huh?

The paper airplane lands on Kick's nose (did I mention that Kick is in his underwear? So we have six shorts now with that spot.) and Kick reads it. It's from Gunther and he wants Kick to meet him on Widowmaker's Peak and it's not suspious in anyway, no siree. That's like the not appearing prescedent on WWE which means that it's suspious in everyway according to legal. So we see Kick say whatever and we REPEAT THE SEQUENCE from the beginning of the episode! Only it is even more lame ass. He even compliments Kendell and Kendell goes into a hissy fit before catching herself. Okay; that was funny. And we are halfway through the short already!  And then  she flips into the treehouse. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! The Spongebob Trick is seriously getting overplayed guys.

So we head to Widowmaker's Peak (which I have already explained the origins of the name in several rants already) and we pan up and we break logic again. Man; there is ZERO CONTINUITY in this series. We see Gunther invokes the framing the picture spot Kick did in Runaway Recital as Kick walks up like a zombie. Gunther proclaims that he did the only thing left and Kick proclaims that he became a daredevil. Which is funny considering that he already DID that in For The Love of Gunther! Gunther proclaims that it would have made more sense (Riiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhttttt Gunther.) but he went for the crazy route as Kick blows him off and damn I am so good as here comes you know who in the flesh and he can speak. It's Jeff Glenn Bennett for the 2 of you who still care. Anyhow; this segues into Billy admitting that he lost a part of him which his.....golden horseshoe on the front of his Monster Truck? WHAT THE HELL?! They had a perfect excuse to explain how Billy Stumps lost his arm; and they didn't GO FOR IT?! I know BS&P is a bitch sometimes; but COME ON! You couldn't make the cut off-screen or something?

We find out that a horse somehow steals it and uses the golden horseshoe on his hoof as we cut to Billy and his redneck ladies with inflatable breasts as Billy uses the stump to order them to find his horse. At least Billy knows to use all his fingers when pointing (and in this case none) and the horse runs off as the doors magically open on the far shot and no one does anything. Talk about the ironic horse out of the barn for Billy's career eh? We return to reality (no not really) as Billy sniffs and Kick whines about helmet again because he cannot go on. Do you get the impression how much I HATE this BSOD out of Kick? See the whole point is that it's not what is on your head; it is what is in your heart and soul. Ooooookkkkkkkkkaaaaayyyyyy. I'm sorry; but I cannot take Billy Stumps seriously saying that considering that he's a Z-grade celebrity at best. Gunther proclaims that Kick is going down Widowmaker's Peak and stuffs the stunt suit and places a trashcan on his head. Geez; awfully pushy today eh Gunther? Not that it is a bad thing; but Kick is pretty much a lost cause after this poor excuse for a short piece of crap.

Needless to say; Gunther manages to slide Kick off the skateboard (WHAT THE HELL?) and he freefalls. Billy Stumps pretty much points out the obvious as we see Kick take some sick MAN-SIZED bumps (he needs to blindfold himself while doing thse stunts since he bumps better that way) and slides with his face which allows him to take the blindfold off (BOO! HISS!) and hitch a ride on the SPIKE TREE OF DEATH. The babyfaces cheer as the SPIKE TREE OF DEATH catches fire. Whatever Kick. He goes off the ramp and rockets into the sky as Kick does the double devil pose in midair while partially in flames. Geez; even Backdraft doesn't apply in this world. Even Sara Palin's universe makes more sense than this world. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmmm.... He falls into the hideout (geez; how contrived can you get?)  with a weak splash and then the monster truck motors in which makes zero sense whatsoever. We see Kick walk out of the sewer water with a wicked smile as Billy jumps off his monster truck and is giddy as hell. Whatever guys.

Anyhow; Kick feels better and finds out that it was Gunther who made this event happen (how much did that cost Gunther?) and Kick gives a thumbs up. Sadly; my thumb is in the exact opposite direction at this point. Gunther responds in kind and then it's the jackhammer yellow aura double devil pose from Kick. Whatever Kick; you are still not likable and even less so with this short. Kick thanks Billy and Gunther corrects him as Billy's monster truck speeds off stage right. Kick still feels bad about not saying goodbye to helmet. And you thought Baloo had object loving issues? Gunther proclaims that he has a solution to that as we head back to the hideout AFTER HAPPY HOUR as we see a viking ship on fire (!!!). Gunther claims that this is how they say goodbye in the old country which is downright brutish and fitting. Kick has a photo of his helmet (the same one in the ads earlier I think) and he throws it into the ship and it rolls and somehow doesn't burn to ashes on cue. Kick has a tear in his eye as he sezs goodbye to his photograph of his helmet which just makes the whole thing look even more stupid. Gunther pushes the viking ship and despite the flames increasing; nothing burns. Gunther takes his hat off as we get Vallhalla music as we go to the far shot of the viking ship in the water with the VIKING EYES OF DOOM (with shadows) looking on. Whatever guys.

Sadly; the viking ship is stuck and Gunther goes into the water (which is about three inches deep natch) and fishes out Kick's helmet and blows it off. HAHA! Gunther tries to throw it away stage left; but Kick grabs it on the windup and Gunther falls on his face. HAHA! Yeah; they waited until now to please me. Screw you guys! Kick is HAPPY and he kisses the helmet and cuddles it. Oy vey as then we hear a voice and here comes Kendall for no reason whatsoever. Kick proclaims that helmet is his favorite tie and Kendell gets all snobby and walks out. Whatever guys. Kick then puts the helmet on and we still don't know what is under the head. Damn you Kick Buttowski! Gunther gets giddy and we have blue thunderbolts touching down. Who does Kick think he is; the Undertaker? Kick does the double devil pose and jackhammers it home with 6 pointed stars in the background and the most contrived circle fade out I have seen as Kick knocks on helmet to proclaim that he's back at 10:00. He's BACK alright. Back to this cartoon sucking the meat missile with gusto. 1/2* (10%).

Opening Moment #2: The title card shows a red shadow Wade pointing to a barely seen Kick helmet and the title is written like the WWE scratch logo. Why do I care? I wish I knew....

Wade Against The Machine: We begin with the shot of the PEACHY DRINK FOUNTAIN OF DEATH as Kick pops up with his weiner. Oh wait; it's just a hot dog. My mistake; nothing dirty to see here no siree. Pay no attention to the sadist ranter behind the curtain. Anyhow; Wade was actually using a stopwatch to time this and Kick set a new record. That no one cares about. Just a note: The fountain contains something called Sloshy. Don't ask me why that means anything; you would sleep better not knowing why that sounds perverse. Wade calls Kick Danger Dude (of course) and Kick climbs out to get a fake CHL mustache as a reward for doing nothing good of note. Kick is all mushy and Wade blows it off because he's a dude like Danger Dude and Northern Amigo. Sorry Wade; I'm not buying this. You don't like it because Kick's emoting sucks. So Wade decides to bring out the fizzies and drink from the fountain to show the effects of mixing them up. Thank goodness the rock candy/Coke incident was declared a hoax by Snopes because if it wasn't; I would smell a lawsuit in Disney's future. If this was Oscar doing it; a flushed toilet. Pink mess and fireworks in Wade's mouth ensues. Whatever Wade; it's as toxic as pouring Cheetsh Chug on a cereal in Obsession for Kick. And speaking of the FDA INVESTIGATION WAITING TO HAPPEN DRINK OF DEATH; Gunther pours fizzies down to see the effects of it with the GREEN TOXIC DRINK OF DEATH. I smell a head exploding...Almost as we get the offscreen explosion and the animator didn't even bother to make the mess go outside. That was more muted than the explosion of Donald's smoking anime sex tape in Transmission Impossible.

So we cut to inside as we have an even bigger mess than before. Gunther is sooted and lost nearly 75% of his teeth and is shaking and asking for his spleen. Sadly; he dosen't drop dead in the process. You know Disney is a big wuss when it needs to use candy and toxic drinks to create an explosion and get it over. So we head outside the Food -N- Fix (like they were somewhere else natch) as Kick and Gunther wave goodbye to Wade as they do the double gun poses and Kick tells him to smell him later. So Wade does the same thing and farts. Okay; that actually makes sense as a joke. At least the fart jokes are built up to mean something; unlike the ADD Katherine Victor Rejects from Nickelodeon. You know who I'm talking about. Kick and Gunther laugh. I didn't; but at least the joke made sense for a change and was not random. And apparently; Gunther got all his teeth back and is completely uninjured. Bad form there writers; made worse by the fact that Gunther no sells the injuries despite Kick pushing him away (as if he was injured). So we clock scene change (Watching the Wuzzles I see) as we go to the far shot of the Food -N- Fix as Kick and Gunther return. Already? They enter and Gunther takes some Fizzie bombs and eats them. As he goes to the Cheetah Chug; Kick goes over to greet Wade as a clean shaved man wearing glasses and looks like a boring clerk with a nametag. See; he's Walter and he runs this Food -N- Fix location. So; Wade has been fired? Kick protests this and Walter points out the warning label on the Fizzies which is not to mix them with the sweat of real cheetah's. Where's the WWF when you need them? And I'm not talking about "the product formally known as sports entertainment and wrestling" here.

Anyhow; Kick and Gunther decide to leave and they try the smell you later on him; but Walter no sells of course. So Gunther farts in it's place. Thrilling. NOT! Kick proclaims that they will return when Wade comes back. Walter tells them that he's not coming back. Kick asks why not and in the biggest shock of all shocks; Wade has been f...promoted?! Kick jaw literally drops on cue and that's the best emoting I have ever seen from him. HAHA! Still; considering all the stuff he has done, this company must be really dumb to PROMOTE a lazy, wrecking, messy guy like Wade. Gunther's sell is so laughable that he crashes into the ceiling like a balloon without air. HAHA! So we cut to Kick and Gunther leaving as Kick proclaims that he is not returning as long as the Wade is not here. My heart bleeds for them; sure. Gunther wonders if he forgot to tell them and Kick thinks that he's happier with his new friends as we cut to the Food -N- Fix building and inside the office as a man in a white shirt and brown tie is looking for stuff in the filing cabinet and Wade has his weiner out. Oh wait; it's just another hot dog. He wants the Sloshy machine and the man bails stage left looking embrassed. And the hot dog is now limper than Gunther's future sex life as Wade sulks.

Scene changer and we see Wade near the water cooler as a lady getting water from it and Wade brings out the Fizzies. Well; you cannot accuse Wade of not being a people person that is for sure. Too bad the other workers aren't in this company. She throws the water cup in his face and storms out. WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? He just wanted some Cheetah Chug. He didn't want to harass her. Wade sulks once again as we head into the office with a blond haired suit who I think is Wade's boss. And it appears to be a desk in front of him; but it looks more like a coffin. Wade tries the smell you later and the suit blows him off because he wants to be addressed as sir. So Wade calls him sir and wants him to fart; so the suit no sells and bails stage left. Wade scratches his brain pan and proclaims that they should make him chairman of the board because he's bored. He wonders why he is here anyway as we cut to the sidewalk with Kick and Gunther as it has been three weeks since Walter replaced Wade. Wow; they lasted longer than I expected. I expected Kick to last three minutes. Did I just say...? Oh never mind. Gunther eats green stuff from a paperbag as Kick states that he is having more fun with his new friends.....

...and we segue to the board room as Wade is so bored he's asleep and snoring like mad. This is turning into Bea Becomes an Adult Fish; but without the grace of Milo as a baby to save it. The blond haired suit shows off some charts as he wants a paradigm shift to increase productivity. Now the sensible thing to do is fire Wade now and demote him back to his job because that would make Kick happy (like I care; but still) and at least give something to the lack of logic of how Wade got promoted in the first place! Then we see the actual boss turn around as he's a curly haired fat man wearing white and he's rubbing the fur of a black cat. I crap you not. So this is basically the SMOOCH boss from Heavy Dental. That's TWICE in this episode they referenced Quack Pack! Not cool; not cool at all guys! And then he wonders how the cat go in and throws it away stage right. Oooookkkkkaaaayyyyyy. Question: Which is worse on the "piece of crap" scale? Kicking a kitten or throwing one..? Just curious. The boss calls the chart boring and then gets annoyed by Wade's snoring. And then AGREES with him. WHAT?! This is getting silly now. So he asks how to beef it up and Wade snores and wakes up on Beef Jerky. The boss calls this a brilliant idea. F*** this company! Or as the Iron Shiek would say: FACK this company! And he puts Wade in the middle now and calls it a promotion. Lovely as the boss walks out with his staff and tells the blond haired exec to be like Wade. Look; I would like him to be like Wade too sir; but there IS a TIME and a PLACE for that. It's not here sadly.

The exec tears on his hair as Wade sezs nine for no reason whatsoever. So we segue back to the sidewalk as Kick and Gunther sulk in defeat. Kick proclaims that the Food -N- Fix isn't the same and then we segue back to Wade as he repeats him and then we repeat AGAIN with the split screen. Whatever as we get a white screen flash and it's the flashback as we repeat the footage from the beginning of the episode; only in silence with classical music and in slow motion. Yes folks; they are seriously trying to do pathos and since Kick is unlikable; it DOESN'T FACKIN WORK! I'm sorry folks; but I've seen The Old Man & The SeaDuck and nothing in the new Disney can top it. It doesn't even rise above Flush & Release's finish. So we return to reality (no, not really) as we split screen jackhammer again and we return to the sidewalk as a turtle carrying a piece of paper in it's mouth slowly walks to Kick. Gunther grabs it and wonders if the turtle can be their friend. Okay; that TMNT joke was witty at least. Kick grabs the paper and it's a message from Wade as Wade wants to get the hell out of the Food -N-Fix. Kick turns the paper around and of course Wade couldn't find a pigeon. Hey dude; it's called electronic mail. Considering that the boss is so high on you (codeword: High meaning taking enough illegal substances to keep you on the payroll.); it's not like you are not going to get away from it. So make like Wade and use it, dude.

The turtle is not amused as Kick proclaims that Wade was taken from them and they are taking him back. Umm; no they didn't take him. Unless they are trying to justify the reason why Wade left in the first place; which is downright stupid even by this show's low standards. Kick proclaims that it's time for a road trip and we head to a shoe store and Kick and Gunther get off in front of them. Gunther waves bye to mom and promises to come back at 5 o'clock. Did I mention that Helga drives a Viking Ship?! That drives like a car? We are really streching the bounds of creditability here. Gunther proclaims that this is going to be a tight visit; but Kick calls it a rescue mission complete with martial arts zoom in. Thankfully; this one makes sense since Gunther is using two black pieces of paper to do the spot. Nice to see that someone finally paid attention to detail there too. Gunther claims it never works for him as his is down wind so to speak. So we head inside the lobby of the Food -N- Fix and they walk into the middle nowhere near the elevator in the perfect position for the fat security guy to blow them off and use the belly to bounce them to the swirly door and we swirl out of the building. So; so contrived and forced. Kick proclaims that they will have to find another way.....

So we see Kick going to a elevator lift which is so conviently placed on the sidewalk and Kick jumps over it; pulls the lever (WRONG LEVER!) and we rise up as Kick invokes the grappling hook gun of doom (I just saw Kick turning another 180 in his grave) which connects to the top of the Food -N- Fix building which makes no sense at all since he is going up. And then he swings off and crashes into the building and we hear screaming and crash through the other side with Wade and they freefall right in front of Gunther. Got that? See the obvious logic break there folks? Oh; the one in which Kick doesn't crash through the window and though the wall? I'm not even going to ask how he broke logic there? I'll just shake my head and move on...and then we....return to reality (no, not really). WHAT? Anyhow; Kick wants the grappling hook and Gunther asks about using disguise...and Gunther wins to my amazement as we scene change to Gunther dressed up as a green dressed woman with curly hair and Kick is disguised exactly like Baloo in All Whale's That Ends Whale. And Gunther is SHOCKED when Papercut Peterson called him a little girl in Garage Banned? Gunther is immune to irony; there's no other explanation. And of course the security guard is dumber than Seymour's henchmen as he just allows Kick to walk into the elevator without a second thought. THAT LITTLE GIRL runs interference...CHOMP! OUCH! Ummmm...and Gunther goes though the elevator on the left whistling. WHAT?! Okay; that means that the little girl is Mr. Vickie in disguise. Which makes no sense since they would have to return to Mellowbrook to fetch him so to speak.

So we head to Wade's office as Wade notices Kick right away and falls out of his seat. HA! When Wade is smarter than you; it's time to pack it in as a security guard and change careers. Maybe to being a policitian. He noticed the mustache he gave away too; so at least they paid it off. We exchange notes and pleasure thoughts (well to them; to us, EWWWWWWW!) as Gunther asks why he was promoted and Wade explains that it was due to high Cheetah Chug sales. So the boss likes messy folks as long as they sell sales so to speak. Cheetah Chug must be like liquid crack in this world. Kick wants to bust him out so Gunther suggest that he quits. Kick proclaims that he NEVER quits. Unless it involves a cat doing the Cat Crab wrestling move on him. Then he taps like a little girl. Kick wants to demote him back to clerk as Wade likes getting out the soul sucking corparate evil. Remember a time when the Quack Pack nephews had to say X munches in 1996 as a way to get around the forbidden "suck" word? And the security guard enters asking if everything is okay just as Kick and Gunther's cover is completely blown. FACEPALM! Wade tells him that everything is all right as we see Kick with the CHL mustache on. Oh TAG guys! Gunther is hiding in the waste paper basket as he pops up and Kick thinks the guard is a problem. Riiiiiiigggggghhhhhtttt Kick. Just find another CHL mustache and this guard is so easy to fool.

So Kick wants Gunther to perform a major duty and Gunther proclaims that he went to the bathroom this morning. So Wade plays the drums on the teleport. Was that really needed Wade? Wade claims that it came with the office. What soul sucking company gives someone drums?! I think the utter irony of all this is lost on them. So we go outside to the dumpster and Kick brings out the smelliest fish bone ever as Wade wants to throw up. Kick walks over as we return to the lobby with the sercuity guard dealing with THAT LITTLE GIRL....CHOMP! OUCH! Ummmm...We exchange pleasure thoughts as Kick and Wade practice the fine art of not being seen into the left elevator. Why bother? Just put on the mustache Kick; the guard is too easy to fool. So we head to the board room as the blond hair exec brings in his briefcase to show the boss and the boss opens it to find the smelly fish bone. WHAT THE HELL?! Does that make any sense? If you are going to do that; at least show them putting the fish bone into the briefcase beforehand. And they blame Wade for it and the boss proclaims that he's fired...Wade likes this...for two seconds as the boss claims that he's fired up and likes not being too serious. WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?! So Wade moves up the ladder as we get the logic break since he moved to the exact same spot he was on the SECOND promotion. I know this because his picture was placed next to the same lady who threw the water cup in his face BOTH TIMES. UGH! UGH! UGH! Clear recycled footage there guys! Wade's not happy and blond haired exec pulls his hair out in frustration. I am too; albeit for different reasons. Kick is behind the plant pot proclaiming that it's time to step it up a notch.

So we scene change to Kick with a wrench on a step ladder with Wade as he gives a thumbs up. So Kick unscrews the walls of the cubicles and we domino effect the walls to expose the first worker we saw in this building (not Walter) and the boss looking at a notepad. The boss is not amused...for two seconds and then proclaims that it's time to tear down the corperate walls. So he gets promoted AGAIN; up another step. Scene change to the elevator as the boss is watching and we do a Bugs Bunny spot? You know this boss has lost all sane thoughts if it takes doing the cutting a hole through the floor and drop the heel spot to remotely get him to fire you. It was Wade with a saw on the step ladder in case you didn't notice. The boss then proclaims that the elevator is the devil's stairs. Woah! Did NOT see that coming at all. Oh and Wade is promoted to just below the blond haired executive on the pyramid pecking order. So we scene change (another clock version?) to the board room as Wade puts a box on the table in front of the executive board and opens it to reveal a beehive. So we are foreshadowing Dad's Car I see. The selling of panic is like Sandy "No Sell" Sweetcheeks; as only one person oversells and the boss' face gets rearranged with bee stings. If this guy doesn't fire Wade for that (forget suing him; I'll accept just Wade getting demoted at this point) then this boss is not fit to run this company. And of course he's unfit (his excuses are getting dumber by the second. Even the evil CEO's aren't THIS arbritary) and Wade is not second to only the boss; on the same plane as the blond haired exec.

So we head to Wade's office as Wade has his head on the desk sulking and Kick is pondering another Krackpotkin plan. Wade puts his feet on the desk and proclaims that he's destined to succeed and he decides to do nothing and that will likely get him promoted. How? He's second to only the boss on the pyramid. Unless the boss resigns of course. Why do I think that is going to be the finish? And why do I think Wade will push the reset button on this afterwards? Prove me wrong writer! Kick then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and realizes that he is getting promoted because they are doing everything to get demoted. It's reverse psychology see. So it's time for actual work and Wade is depressed as hell. So we get the DRESS FOR DEMOTION SUCCESS sequence as Kick is on the step ladder and he straightens him out. So we head to the board room as Wade is reading from his notes on rising productivity. I think you can guess what happens next. This company truly is ass backwards. Wonder if it's owned by Sara Palin? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... Then we return to the security officer and the midget woman exchanging pleasure thoughts as the wig gets knocked off and it's Gunther?! WHAT THE HELL---?! Even if you consider that there are twin officers...Ah forget it; I'm not going to explain the lack of logic. It's getting silly as it is and my brain is frying.

So Gunther bails as we see Wade and Kick putting Cheetah Chug into the water cooler and all the people in the building drink it and we go berserk corperation style. I'm not going to call it; it just makes no sense and it's turning into a cartoonish sequence that doesn't make sense. If Wade is going to get demoted; I think it's going to take more than just merely rising productivity. Themometer of productivity rises up as we see the officer chase Gunther in a dress down the hallways. Well; now Papercut Peterson has justification to call guessed it. And that doesn't take into account Deadman's Drop either. Gunther drinks Sploshy and Fizzies and we get fireworks and a mess on the floor which allows the officer to foolishly walk into it and pratfall on his back. Whatever. Then Kick rides the rolling tray of paper to every room in the hallway because somehow; we need Kick to do a stunt in this episode. Otherwise; the kids will think that this episode goes against the premise and not watch it. Geez; if that theory worked than Rescue Rangers would have been trapdoored after just the Disney Channel Preview alone (13 episodes total in case you ask.). Paper rises and blow the roof off the Food -N- Fix and the themometer reaches 100% and blows blood off it's top. Whatever; just let this episode end.

The roof is blown; the papers fly and the board room is amazed as the boss proclaims that productivity is through the roof as he sees Wade and him a promotion. HAHA! IN YOUR FACE KICK BUTTOWSKI! That is the ONLY finish I could accept and the facking writers finally threw me a bone. Good for you Derek! Kick is now officially PISSED as he walks on the table, goes to the boss and gets in his face blowing him off. The boss is confused as Kick explains that Wade just wants his old job back as the boss resonates about being a daredevil. Riiiiggggghhhttttt. The boss finally decides that he did such a great job that he earned his demotion back to the Food -N- Fix as a clerk. Good; they didn't go for the boss resign finish and have Wade be CEO (only for him to resign and demote himself to clerk). Wade loves it and the blond haired exec is happy. Wade changes back to normal clothes and tells the boss to smell him later along with Kick. The boss farts of course much to the disdain of the exec and he sprays the boss to boot.

Kick proclaims that it's time to return to the Food -N- Fix as Wade wonders if he can keep the drum. Answer: yes you can keep the drums. And the officer grabs the lady in the green dress who is clearly the real one (since Gunther blew his cover already) and beats down on the officer stage left allowing Gunther to whistle behind him. Whatever; would have worked better if Gunther was still dressed. At least the real lady wasn't Mr. Vickie. So we head to the Food -N- Fix AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we cut to inside and the Sloshy machine as they drink up. Wade proclaims that he is a new man and he is going to make big changes as Kick and Gunther do not look happy to hear that. So Wade adjusts the beef jerky display about six inches to the right and that is it. HAHA! Wade then brings out the OUT OF NOWHERE box (with sun smiling face on it) of Fizzies. He wonders what Fizzies plus Cheetah Chug XE will result as we head outside again and we get the off-screen explosion of death and this one finally makes a really awesome mess. All brown crap I might add which lands on the sign too. Wade calls for his spleen and that ends the episode at 10:20 approx. Excellent finish; somewhat bad episode. ** (40%). The ending sequence has as returning to the Food -N- Fix building as the boss proclaims that they move too fast and the turtle is getting a promotion as the blond haired exec tears his hair out in a recycled scene. Whatever turns you on sir.


What more is there to say? Kick is back to suck again in lameass vainglorious fashion thanks to Exposed. I mean; he has a BSOD over a HELMET?! I'm supposed to have sympathy for an object I don't give a crap about? Sure; I'm biased because nothing can hold a candle to A Bad Reflection On You and Baloo's BSOD; but this is beyond bad. Only a few jokes were remotely funny and logic broke rhyme and reason as there was no continuity whatsoever (Kick's room has a window? After we saw Deadman's Drop?). You know I thought that the writers would find a way to improve Kick's likability; but they made it worse if that's humanly possible. It's sad that when everyone but Kick carries an episode; it looks decent and sometimes awesome (as Brianna showed in Trike TX-5); but the title character cannot carry an episode past **. Even Johnny Test could do past ** at least a few times in his career. Overall; Kick got EXPOSED and in a crappy way. Plus; we STILL haven't found out if Kick has hair or not which I watched this short to see if that happens.

Wade Against The Machine was basically Wade Against the Sara Palin Universe Machine. As much as I like Wade; this episode was just nonsense as there were various logic breaks out of the wazoo and the pacing of the episode was shot all to hell. As much as I like Kick for at least helping Wade to be demoted (because Wade is at his best as a clerk; not as an outcast in an office); it still doesn't endear him to me and it only made the boss look dumber than a box of hammers. If they were going for irony (boss being the opposite of the stereotype of greed); it didn't work all that well and it only clicked when he end around everyone on the productivity stuff and brought us a finish that at least was excellent and I rooted for. So it wasn't a total write off; but I would have liked this episode more if they didn't have so many breaks in internal logic and less recycled animated sequences too. Oh; and stop trying to invoke pathos in this show. It doesn't work because Kick is unlikable. Flush and Release worked because the conflict was on Mr. Vickie and the goldfish; not on Kick. That's why it worked better. So next up is the final orphaned episode; The Treasure of Dead Man Dave; the artist formally known as Deadman Dink. I'll be doing it on Thanksgiving day or the Tuesday after. Depends on my mood. So.....

Thumbs down for both shorts and I'll see you next time.

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