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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Sold!/Faceplant! Rant

Reviewed: 12/31/2011

Sold To The Idiot Who Thinks He's Better Than Kit!

So after about two days of prep work and making sure that my sources are in order; we can finally begin the 2012 ranting season. YAY! So we start the season getting half of the Kick Buttowski episodes out of the way with another episode involving my favorite character: Jackie The Stalker Whackerman. Then Kick must do the impossible and win in a game to screw Brad over. Sounds mighty pointless to me. So let's continue on shall we...?

Sold is written by Derek Dressler, storyboards done by Heather Martinez and directed by Chris Savino. Faceplant is written by Patrick Andrew O'Connor. The storyboards are done by Troy Adomitis and Heather Martinez and direction is done by Chris Savino. All episodes are done in Flash of course.

Opening Moment #1: The title card faceless Kick being carried away (while pulling the red background in the process for a nice touch) by Jackie. Okay; that was very cute and the Sold title looks pretty cool too. So it's a win-win. Hopefully the episode will be up to snuff; since Jackie has a tough act to follow after Gift of Whacky.

Sold!: We begin this one with a shot of a cuckoo clock againest a brown background getting feather dusted. Man those feathers are getting more and more like those that would send Michael Eisner out of the Phantom Zone. The clock looks pretty cool though so at least I'll have sympathy for it when Kick breaks it in storyline. We discover that it's Gunther cleaning it and he would lay down his live for it as the cuckoo bird comes out and does some pretty cute cuckoos in the process. Did I mention that it's a viking too? On the other hand; at least it's not as vain as Fanboy & Chum Chum's alarm clocks. Gunther thanks it for telling the time for Kick to arrive and then panics as he runs out; goes to the bathroom, opens the windows and places a target on the seat of the toilet while it flushes. I think you can guess what happens next...and damn; I'm so good. Jackhammer background for extreme bathroom break (check), Kick acting like a meteor falling down (check), bouncing off the target (check), and breaking the cuckoo clock with his face (check times infinity!). All within 30 seconds too. Kick panics and places the cuckoo clock on the wall doing the magical fix it routine just before Gunther arrives to ask Kick if he's all right. Kick nods and Gunther blames himself for all this (which is true of course) as Kick confesses that he hit the wall. Gunther doesn't see it as a big deal; but then gets in his face and yells at him if he finds out that Kick destroyed his cuckoo clock. Cute; but dumb still. Kick backs up and Gunther kisses it and cuddles the clock and then yells at Kick again. Then he smiles; twinkletoes out and slams the door, allowing the clock to drop and crumble again. HA! If Randy Pincherson wasn't weak before; he certainly is now. Kick magic fixes the clock; breathes a sigh of relief and slams the door on the way out, breaking the clock. Ho hum.

So we head to Kick's house and into Kick's room as Kick is playing with his white laptop going on Kraken's List (get it?) to look for bids. Think the old country's version of eBay and your almost there. Kick discovers that there is a bid for a cuckoo clock that is expensive. You know what would make a funny swevre: the clock being bidded on is Gunther's cuckoo clock. Kick ponders over what to sell in order to buy said cuckoo clock. That leads to a segueway to Skidzeez as there is a banner that reads that today Kick Buttowski himself is going to be auditioned off. Normally; that would be illegal and disgusting; but Kick is so unlikable, I doubt anyone would... Oh wait; never mind. It also allows the writers to bring back Razz and Hush from Switching Gears as Razz shows off Kick's "amazing" features. The only thing amazing is the ability to be vainglorious. Razz does make me proud by annoying Kick and thus making Razz a somewhat half decent character by proxy. We start the bidding for it and it's clear that only one person is bidding for Kick and it's Jackie the Stalker Whackerman. HAHA! She even has the foresight to disguise herself to make it interesting; but doesn't have a clue that no one else is there to bid against her. HAHA! So Hush pounds the graval and sells it to the lady in the mustache. The ground rules are that she gets Kick from sunrise to sunset for one day and once it's over she must pay up big time. Jackie runs on stage; blows her cover and goes insane on Kick! Kick is not amused as Jackie is giddy and wants Kick to see her at sunrise and do whatever she sezs. HAHA! I cannot wait as she leaves and Kick groans. So we head to Kick's house AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we head to Kick's bed and Kick doesn't even bother to change clothes this time as he looks at a picture frame of him and Gunther as best friends. He's doing it for him. Awww. Kick sleeps with the picture frame as we head outside and we get the dreaded sunrise of doom and let the insanity begin four minutes in! HAHA! Jackie acts like an alarm clock in a funny way as Kick blows her off for taking the sunrise thing literally. Of course Jackie counters that she takes everything literally. Kick is stunned as Jackie cuddles and yawns. HAHA! I am so loving this already. So Jackie orders him to eat breakfast which is a bowl of Billy Stumps cereal. Kick doesn't think this is bad after all. I'm not offended because I know Jackie is just setting Kick up now. So we segue to Jackie putting a video tape into the VCR (yes; it's 2012 (almost) and Kick is watching VHS tapes.) and we watch Destrocon 1987 with 1980's type as Jackie has the final copy of a tape which is in good condition no less. And it's Billy Stump's first appearance...and first stupid crash upside down. And explosion. Jackie and Kick cheer this by the way.

So we segue to Kick drinking juice at the table with Jackie and Jackie calls it homemade Cheetah Chug; which we segue to a flashback of a cheetah with a headband sweating and running on a treadmill to Jackie's approval. HAHA! Well; they paid off the whole joke on that drink; so it's done and buried. I wonder if that is the adult version of Speedy from Kimba: The White Lion/Jungle Emperor Leo?! We return to reality (no, not really) as Kick approves of this as Jackie wants to take it outside and Kick doesn't mind. They both run out and Kick smacks into a wooden....ramp. Did I mention that it rises up into the sky like a big phallic symbol?! Twice?! Kick brings out the skateboard and wants to try it out; but Jackie has another surprise for him which is Boom Boom McCondor's lucky skate wheel. Kick is shocked and asks where she got it. Vickie stammers and we flashback to Boom binded and gagged in the garage with the wheel undone from the skateboard. HAHA! They finally found a neat way to do the "babyfaces steal from others" spot. That's how awesome Jackie is. She IS the new Kit Cloudkicker of Disney. We return as Jackie claims that she found it. I believe her; I believe her. Kick puts it on his skateboard and we start ramping for fun. CUE THE MONTAGE! Kick and Jackie go down (using sacks as if they are in the sack race) the makeshift playground slides into the toxic sludge (so they are near the hideout). Jackie loves it despite getting her shoes and socks wet; and Kick calls this the best day ever. Wrong; Jackie's birthday is the best day EVERAH~! Now this might be the second best though. Jackie is giddy and has another surprise for Kick as we head to Deadman's Drop as Jackie has unveiled the motherlode of party. We have fireworks; the Cheeath Chug fountain, cardboard cutouts of his family and all his "heroes", and a wagon with corn dogs. Kick calls the family cardboard cutout's creepy. Okay; Brianna might be a little bit creepy; but come on Kick! Jackie walks around giddy as usual as Kick drinks some Cheetah Chug from a glass as Jackie puts the cake on the table after featherdusting it (I see she found a clone of Gunther's somewhere and shrunk it); proclaiming that this will be the ever. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kick does the best spit take ever! Told you she was setting Kick up. She puts the model bride and groom topper on the cake as the violin music starts and Kick begs for mercy. Sorry Kick; but DA RULES (FAIRY GODPARENTS!) are DA RULES (FAIRY GODPARENTS!) . Jackie is not fooled and she strips into her wedding dress because we are getting married BABEE! HAHA!

Kick doesn't like this at all as Jackie puts a bowtie on Kick and talks about the rest of their lives, holding their hands in marriage as we see scenes of Kick wearing the groom outfit at school with Jackie wearing the wedding dress in class. Now THAT is a neat visual. Even funnier visual is the graveyard site where skeleton Jackie rises from the grave and hugs skeleton Kick from the grave. The dream sequence is AWESOME! I swear to god; I wish Len Uhley had Jackie as Kit's girlfriend. We return to reality as Kick has stopped imagining about it and Jackie is pleased because she wants to merry before sunset. Kick backs up and goldbricks like a poor man's Kit Cloudkicker as Jackie screws him by bringing the tuxedo with her. It's so nice that Jackie has gained a lot of foresight since her start in Obsession for Kick. Kick stammers some more as Jackie has the wedding rings for years. Boy; her parents must have been the ones who SUGGESTED Kick be the one for her to marry. I only say suggestion because I don't to imply that Jackie's folks believe in planned weddings. That would be sick and wrong. Kick claims that he needs an eight leaf clover for good luck; and we do the Powerpuff Girls slow motion turn around and she has a nine leaf clover. HAHA! This is a lucky day indeed! Kick finally runs through the bushes towards the cliff as Jackie lives up to her nickname that I gave her and so Kick dives; does some rolls and uses a branch to surf. He does some more rolls and bounces off the roof of a white car and hides behind an alley. Kick thinks he's safe; but we all know Jackie better than Kick does. Kick checks his watch and he needs to stall until sunset which is about three minutes or so. So Jackie finds Kick via her winged helicopter boat and we invoke the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE WINGNUT BOAT WEDDING EDITION~! I am so loving this even though we all know Kick is going to win this stall. And Jackie even remembered to bring the JAWS OF HALF LIFE with her. Kick dives into the (moral) sewer to save himself. He happens to be at the house where Gunther lives and Kick pops up and confesses that he must tell him about the clock. Why? This doesn't help save Kick from Jackie in any way. You writers just HAD to ruin a perfectly awesome episode didn't you? Kick goes to Gunther's house all smelly and wet of course. He goes to knock on the door and then we see Gunther in the living room crying his eyes out. He blames Kick for his sorrow of course. Kick takes it as Gunther finding out who broke his clock. Except that Gunther yelled at Kick from the start to indicate that he would be pissed off if Kick broke the clock. Kick decides to sulk and walk away towards the path. Then he decides to get the new clock even if it means marrying Jackie. He walks away as we head inside with Gunther as he is crying because he got an invitation to Kick's wedding with Jackie (aww, the invitation is so cute) and the friendship is ruined because Gunther cannot be Kick's best man. Ooops. Someone remind him that there is competition between the two when it comes to Jackie. Gunther goes to the bathroom and puts on the tuxedo and tells himself to be strong old man. HAHA!

So we head to the WHACKY JACKIE WEDDING FROM HEAVEN as the classical music band plays as we see Kick putting on the tuxedo and top hat; along with rose. Jackie is in the wedding dress proclaiming that she knew Kick would be back. He couldn't resist as they say as Kick wants to do this and walks to the front as Gunther arrives and sits down much to Kick's surprise. Gunther does the Gruffi pose as the music starts the "Here comes the bride". Jackie decides to screw Kick's attempt to buy time by doing the one foot leap all the right across the aisle. HAHA! She also has her pack of pink daisy flowers. Jackie brings out the cardboard cutout of Billy Stumps with a tape recorder attached to it as JACKIE is the Justice of The Peace. HAHA! I'm going to skip the banter here because we all know how it goes. Gunther sobs like a baby of course as Kick stops the tape recorder and the wedding as the classical music stops. Huh? Kick confesses that he is marrying Jackie for the wrong reasons. And now Jackie is pissed and she slaps Kick in the face. On-screen; no impact stars and the slap actually makes contact and Kick sells it. Does that make 4Kids look like a wuss or what? Jackie proclaims that Kick should be ashamed of himself for marrying her just for her money....but she's still cool with it. HAHA! Kick stammers and then confesses that he broke Gunther's clock and apologizes. Gunther doesn't care about the clock and was upset because he didn't be Kick's best man. Kick still thinks of him as such as they embrace. Jackie stops it because she wants to get married anyway. Gunther informs Kick that there is still a minute left and Kick has a Krackpotkin Plan. So they shove the lovely garden stand off Deadman's Drop of course. Sadly; the carpet is attached to it which Gunther notices right away and everyone drops down the drop to fetch a pail of Stupido nuts. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jackie hold onto the stand and plays the tape as she does take Kick to be her husband. Kick is about to say I as the question gets popped; but they land onto the ground and it's now officially sunset and therefore Kick doesn't. Double devil's pose and they get buried underneath everything; the fireworks get set and they rocket into the sky giving us the fireworks show. Well; I predicted that it would end this way as Kick and Gunther pop up and Gunther eats the wedding cake for fun. Jackie pops up and loves all this despite not getting married. HAHA! Kick wants Jackie to fork over the cash; but Jackie doesn't have any money because she spent all of it on the wedding. Kick doesn't like that as Jackie then brings out Gunther's cuckoo clock as she must audition off the gifts. It turns out that the clock is actually a present from Gunther as Gunther confesses that he had two clocks because they are like potato chips in you cannot just have one. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kick does the cuckoo spot with the viking bird, faints and the classical music band plays an apporos tune just for that moment. HAHA! Jackie and Gunther look concerned and that ends the episode at 10:20 approx. Close; but no marriage. Jackie still rocks my world in Kit Cloudkicker fashion though; so call it **** 3/4 (95%).

Opening Moment #2: The title card shows a lot of blood red tools against a black background. I don't get this at all. So BS&P bans faceplanting now? Although that would not be a bad thing anyway; so I'm game.

Faceplant!: We begin this one with the AD OF DOOM as we introduce Faceplant (construction barrier signs and a lot of mud) as we head to a construction vehicle as an Africian American wearing construction gear and has a microphone and a goatee. His name is Brick Bristol (neat name; I'll give him that much) and we get faceplant which is an impossible Obstacle Course. Basically; an impossible version of Takeshi's Castle, also known as Most Extreme Elmination Challenge and most recent known as Wipeout (the show; not the racing game). Good explanation of the course though and everyone involved takes MAN-SIZED squashes as a result. Nice way to BS&P the saw scene without blood though as it ends on the Loose Screws and push the red buzzer to win $50,000 which will cover the medical bills after this course is said and done. Will they win; or will you end up like everyone and faceplant into the television screen on Faceplant! We zoom out to notice Kick and Gunther watching the ad and cheering. Kick loves this because he thinks he can win and Gunther blows it off because it's impossible to win. Kick counters that he would; but he's too young. Brick then tells us that the age restriction is removed. Someone must have sued for age discrimination and won; because there's no way they would allow that to happen. Gunther presses his face against the screen and wants food. Geez; what a shock that is? Thankfully; Kick informs him that it's not a magic television and Gunther groans. Sadly; it doesn't remove the glorified shot of his ass at Kick. Kick proclaims that they know what they must do. So we scene change to Gunther with a hard hat on his fatass head. That leads to a sequence in which Kick is in a box called Faceplant and Gunther pushes it down the stairs as Kick ramps out of the house and rolls on the trash can like a barrel of laughs. Except I'm not laughing at all. And the cat scream sound effect gets involved of course.

So we head to a parking bench to see Rolando and Kendell continue their bland pleasure thoughts. Kick rolls in on a trash can in the foreground as Rolando demands answers to this outrage. So fragile... Kick does his double devil pose and proclaims that he is going to be the first contestant to win at Faceplant. Rolando blows it off because it's impossible without science. Sure; keep saying that Rolando, you still haven't proven that science works in this Sara Palin world. Kick rolls away sticking to "awesome" as Rolando shows off the heart box of chocolates some more and Kendell eats one. Of course they are custom atoms in the center which break teeth. Kendell blows him off as Kick rolls backwards and she calls that "awesome". Rolando is not amused and neither am I. Like I'm buying that Kendell likes Kick in any way. So we REPEAT THE SEQUENCE as Brick Bristol proclaims that the next contestant is the youngest one known as Kick Buttowski. Will he make it? Probably not as he pushes the green button on the remote and we are underway. Kick lands in the cement and climbs up the power pole. Then it's the Conveyer Slayer as Kick dodges and jumps over bricks and manages to make it past by rolling. He actually gets through the hammerheads; but the sway hammer of death whacks him back into the cement as he got nailed. HA! The crowd is not impressed. Brick goes over to Kick asking if he wants to come back or accept the booby prize. The crowd wants him to come back. Ah; the BS&P way of chanting for his death. Methinks Rolando bribed them; which is A-OK with a cherry on top for me. Kick is told to accept the booby prize and quit because no one wins on Faceplant. And he calls him a twerp. Kick no sells and chooses to come back because quit isn't in his word usage; which is ironic because he just USED it. Double devil pose and the crowd cheers the BS&P version of wanting death. So we repeat the ad of doom and it's time to go through the killer drillers as Kick does a slow motion dodge; but get twirled anyway by another drill and whacks himself against a mirror as the spit flies on the mirror. Whatever Kick. Kick proclaims that he's coming back as he slides like a bug on my windshield. We repeat the ad and Kick runs a conveyer belt with a steam roller being used by Brick and he flattens Kick like a pancake. Heh. Kick's coming back of course and we repeat the ad. We continue this some more just because the point has not been jackhammered enough. And the saw renders Kick naked as a jaybird of course causing Kick to blush. Brick saw that one coming and we old farts wish he didn't. After another two or three of these spots...

...We head to the Battlesnax as we see Kick with cement on his body as Gunther brings out the big spike asking him if he's sure he wants to come back. Kick wants to come back; but Gunther claims that he will be humilated for the 27th time as a blond fan comes in with paper and pen. Kick signs the autograph and asks who it is. The kid proclaims that it's for Catty; and it signed by the world's most "awesome" loser. Kick is shocked. I didn't need him to go on Faceplant to prove that kid. The fact that he looks like a Super Dave Osborne wannabe is enough. Gunther proclaims that Faceplant is impossible as he has made stone abs out of the cement. HA! Kick proclaims that it is because Rolando said something about science. And that gives him a Krackpotkin plan and he must see the dark one. Gunther isn't so sure and we head into Rolando's house with enough shadows to give me a splitting headache. Rolando now has about 15 monitors to prove that Kick has no self control in spite of Kick claiming that he does. Anyway; Rolando claims that it might be possible, but Kick is chaotic. Kick admits that he made a mistake to come here; and tries to walk out. However; Rolando yells that he would teach him if he did one thing for him: Rolando needs to do something unpredictable because Kendell thinks he's too predictable. Oh; I get it: Rolando wants some laws of "awesome" and Kick needs the laws of "science". They figurally scratch each other's back as Kick thinks that is gross. From a guy who gets butt naked half of the time; color me unimpressed. Rolando proclaims that he needs science to save his reputation and we zoom in and Kick agrees to it. So we do a sky shot of a tennis court with about seven carts of tennis balls surrounding the court. Rolando explains that he needs to use all of his senses because you usually get nailed when you don't see it coming. Notice that everytime Kick fails; he doesn't see it coming even though Brick does? Kick doesn't like it one bit; more so when he gets beaned by the tennis ball which is shot from the cannon. The task here is to dodge the tennis balls while wearing a black blindfold. THAT'S RACIST! Kick wears it and he cannot see a damn thing. Needless to say; Kick gets MURDERED by tennis balls. HAHA! Kick uncorks the blindfold and accuses Rolando of using him for his amusement. Rolando admits that at least and then Kick blows him off and leaves. Rolando blows him off because it's impossible without his help.

So guessed it... and we do this AGAIN! And this time Kick does an excellent job as he made it to the final stage which is the loose screws. And yes; Brick does say that he's not screwing around. My Fair Baloo; Rebecca Cunningham. Just saying. Brick tries to assure himself that Kick will fail. Kick calls this a piece of cake; so Brick pushes all the button on his machine and now Kick must dodge everything at once. Ah; now I see why people think it's impossible: Brick cheats like nuts. Kick calls it a larger piece of cake; but cake. And then Brick pushes the red button on his wire box and a laser gun rises behind Kick and sprays him slime?! Kick complains that he cannot see. Oh; that is not contrived in the very least; no siree Brick. Brick taunts him and wants him to come to his senses and quit. That inspires Kick to remember what Rolando said and he dodges the hammer which somehow he feels, and the saws which he smells. The platform gets sawed (in slow motion as Kick is in between them) as Kick wobbles and proclaims that he must use all senses as he sees the entire course in 3D of course and starts dodging all and then jumps onto the hammer and swings towards and teases falling down as Brick taunts him. However; Kick manages to climb up and wipe the green slime off his face. Brick is shocked and he panics as he runs in because if he doesn't cheat to win; Kick will push the red buzzer. Kick makes it to the buzzer; but Brick steals it from him. Kick protests this outrage and Brick finally admits that no one is supposed to win on Faceplant because the crowd wants pain and suffering...and the crowd boos Brick off the obstacle course. HA! I knew it wasn't impossible at all. Kick wants to give them what they want and they want him to push that damn buzzer. Brick no sells and gets on the loose screws and he gets MURDERED by everything. He lands on the wooden platform in a heap, and then gets sawed and looses his shirt and then gets MURDERED by the hammer and lands on his face on the cement below. Kick jumps down and proclaims that he should have used all his senses. Including the sense of owning up when someone wins at Faceplant. Kick pushes the button and that is that.

So we head back to Deadman's Drop with Kick and Rolando. Kick gives Rolando his ironing board skateboard because it's time to return the deal and show him how to be "awesome" which is to do the opposite of "science" of course. Rolando isn't so sure; but it's too late as he skateboards down the cliff and doesn't hook the sign. Yeap; it's a complete redo of the first epic failure of Kick's skateboarding down Deadman's Drop in the very first episode of this series. Rolando's version is a million times + one better as he keeps his clothes and destroys his glasses as he splats right in front of Kendell on the sidewalk. Kick whistles and walks off before he can be sued I guess. Too bad we have the footage and the Dark One is getting it when I finish posting this rant on my website. Rolando recovers in the ambulance and apologizes to Kendell for not being awesome; and Kendell forgives him because she liked it. And Rolando gets MURDERED by the tennis ball of course out of nowhere and faints as the ambulance drives away. We cut back to Kick with the tennis ball kart out of nowhere as Kick calls it even as we circle fade out to end the episode at 10:20 approx. The usual clustermuck; but the ending was awesome. IN YOUR FACE KICK BUTTOWSKI! Rolando is better at crashing then you are. Final segment is on the sidewalk as a female in grey gives Kick the big ass cheque for $50,000 for winning Faceplant. Kick loves it and then here comes a man (who might either be a lawyer or Rolando's father) in brown who steals the cheque back to cover Rolando medical bills. HAHA! Thank you Rolando for using all your senses; including getting a lawyer BEFORE I posted the evidence. Good for you. Call it ** 3/4 (55%).


More whiplashing to start 2012! Sounds like the usual Kick Buttowski antics. Faceplant was basically the usual clustermuck that you expect from Kick; including the usual naked spots and pain spots; but Rolando finally proved to be useful and proved that he can crash better than Kick ever could. And he had enough sense to call a lawyer to collect payment on his medical bills. The last minute of this episode was a blast. Brick was your usual sleazy game show host. Except that he was African American and at the end; proved harder to swallow as a character and felt like a gimmick character that would have gotten away with in 1990; but not here. Although it's amusing to see Kick screw up; it wasn't all that special or interesting. In other words; average.

Sold was a lot better mainly thanks to Jackie The Stalker Whackerman. And boy they set it up and built the whole thing perfectly. Jackie gained development as a character who regained her foresight (a flaw shown in early episodes of this series) and she set Kick up for the possible marriage scene so well that I saw it coming; but didn't care because I wanted it to happen. It almost happened. The only thing that I didn't like was Kick going to Gunther's house to see him and explain what happened because it was so silly since we all know Gunther was angry when he expressed himself at the beginning of the episode and not crying like a baby like he was here; thus Kick should have known it had nothing to do with the clock. The clock was merely a plot device just to create the insanity that followed and it was used for nothing more than that. Jackie basically carried another episode. The difference between Kit and Jackie is that Jackie is billed as a tweener guest. Kit is billed as second on the babyface scale next to Baloo and thus is a main character. Thus Jackie; as good as she is cannot be used most of the time since the storyline requires the main characters to be Kick and Gunther on the babyfaces, Brianna as the tweener and Brad as the heel in terms of billing, therefore; more clunkers. Kit can be used most of the time and his presence makes most episodes break ****. So next up on the list is the first rant of 2012 for real as I do Stumped Again and Kick Stays In The Picture; the later one starring Jackie The Stalker again. Oh joy! Happy New Year indeed! So.....

Thumbs up for Sold!, thumbs in the middle for Faceplant and I'll see you next time.

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