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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Bromance/Only The Loan-ly Rant

Reviewed: 11/03/2013

Bromance Is Only For The Loan-ly!

So we have two more shorts of Kick Buttowski to do as Brad wants Kick to play nice on a date with April in exchange for a golden access card; while the second one features Kick Buttowski loans money from Brianna to get a new engine; but forgets to pay it back and Brianna goes loan sharking for fun. Yippeee! So let's continue on shall we...?

Bromance is written by Derek Dressler and the storyboard is done by Howie Perry the direction is done by Chris Savino and Clay Morrow. Only The Loan-ly is written by Derek Dressler. The storyboards are done by Riccardo Durante and direction is done by Chris Savino and Clay Morrow. Episodes are done with Toon Boom like all episodes of this show.

First Note: As you probably have noticed; these episodes are in separate episode blocks because Disney is such a bastard and these were the only two episodes I could find that were not released on this website.

Opening Moment #1: Title card features Kick and Brad's white shadow inside a heart with an arrow in it against a black background. This cannot end well for Brad I can assure ye!

Bromance: We begin this one AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) with a moon shot and then pan down to an alleyway as two thugs are shoving a helpless old lady back and forth like she was a bowling pin trying to fall; but doesn't. She's crying and I'm shaking my head as the lights come up and here comes the Z-Grade Episode Police....AKA....Officer Rock Callahan comes in because they didn't look both ways. Yeah; Rock is more concerned about their lack of street smarts than a hapless old lady. Smooth guys; NOT!! The robber gleefully mock him as we zoom out to discover that Rock Callahan is now an octopus. I am not making this up everyone; that is what he is in this show now. He snags the thugs and throws them in the dumpster with ease; as he grabs the purse and gives it back to the old lady who is no longer terrified despite the fact that Rock is now an octopus. Rock flashes the badge and we zoom out to see Kick looking at the poster of Rock's new movie; Octo Cop: Justice Has Been Armed. Okay; that isn't the dumbest Z-Grade movie I have ever seen. Kick proclaims that he must see movie; and then we get red stickers hammered on the poster that claim that it's sold out for two whole weeks. Oh wait; it's not really. It's just Pantasy/Three Dee trying to ignore the fact that he has Kickism. Brad comes out of the movie theater as Brad mocks Kick again. Kick demands answers as to why he could see the movie; and Brad explains that Three Dee gave him a "Golden Access Megaplex" card which admits two only. And yes; it get a jackhammered background as well. Brad tries to leave stage right and remembering to call him dillweed as Kick yells that he needs to see that movie. Ummm; no you don't Kick. Z-Grade movies are not healthy to watch unless you are mocking them. Kick grabs onto Brad's ankle and Brad gives him the golden card. Oh; as if you cannot guess what happens next....Yeap; Kick gets trashed out of nowhere when he thanks Brad and Brad steals the card back. Then Brad rolls the trashcan away and it hits a lamp pole on the street corner as a bus in the background rolls in with an Octo Cop ad which Octo Rock talks. Whatever.

So we scene change to the Mellowbrook Mall as we see Brad walking towards the doors. Then we cut to a vendor serving something called "Hamburgers On A Stick" (as per the sign) to a lineup of customers; in which Brad is in last. There is a lot of rainbow colors being used here, which is a major fashion faux pas in serving hamburgers. However; I'm certain the point is lost on the writers so let's see Brad start getting giddy on the female vendor (who is wearing the rainbow cap and shirt) who claims that she is the future girlfriend of him. We discover that her name is April. He hopes that she doesn't shoot him down as we flashback to Brad trying to ask at the counter; but April turns her back on him. Of course; this is the modern era and therefore we must jackhammer the point home that this was a recent shootdown and channel Frederator's method of jackhammering the point home by showing words and saying it. Subtly is for old slow farts see; and too boring for children, which is funny considering that subtly was used decades ago and children still watched the show anyway. We also get the preschool shoot down with Brad rolling towards April and April rolling away; and also April's mother walking away from Denise for the prenatal shootdown. So yes folks; these two have met since being literally in the womb. How can this not be stalking?! Sure; Jackie is a stalker, but at least she's a funny stalker. Brad doesn't have that going for him at all. Brad proclaims that this is the day because he has one chest hair and a Golden Acess Card of Doom; he'll woo April into her arms. So Brad finally gets to the counter and before he can get three words out; April turns her back and sezs no. PRESENT SHOOTDOWN~! Brad; she can see right through you because you are sexist. So Kick has come in with a trash can and is ready to MURDER Brad with it; but is forced to stop because April notices him and praises the helmet. Yeah; might as well accept that because Kick is at least a bit more enlightened than Brad.

April is voiced by Stacy Ferguson (aka Fergie) and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Ferguson was born in Hacienda Heights, California, the daughter of devout Roman Catholic school teachers Theresa Ann (née Gore) and Jon Patrick Ferguson.[4][5][unreliable source?] Her ancestry includes Irish, Scottish, English, Mexican (from a great-grandmother), and Native American descent.[6][7][8][9] She was raised Roman Catholic and attended Mesa Robles Middle School and Glen A. Wilson High School.[10] She studied dance and began to do voiceover work, providing the voice for Sally in two made-for-television Peanuts cartoons, (It's Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown, 1984, and Snoopy's Getting Married, Charlie Brown, 1985) as well as on four episodes of The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show.[11] From 1984 to 1989, she starred on the TV show Kids Incorporated. All that time, she was a cheerleader, straight-A student, and spelling bee champion,[10] as well as a Girl Scout.[12] Ferguson was a member of the female trio Wild Orchid, which she fronted with Stefanie Ridel and fellow Kids Incorporated star Renee Sandstrom. By 1992, the girls began meeting with record labels, but they still could not get a recording contract. They eventually signed a music publishing deal with Sony Publishing before signing a record contract with RCA Records in 1994.[13] In April 2007, she gave an interview in which she admitted that she went on a sex and drugs spree when she turned eighteen, saying: "I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won't say how many men I've had sex with — but I am a very sexual person."[14] Their first single, "At Night I Pray", debuted on the Billboard charts in September 1996. In March 1997, Wild Orchid released their self-titled debut album. In September 1998, they released their second album, Oxygen.

From June 16 to August 28, 1999, they opened for Cher's Do You Believe? Tour alongside Cyndi Lauper, which took them to 52 cities across the USA and Canada. After completing a third album, their record label declined to release it and Ferguson left the group in September 2001. In a 2006 interview with Entertainment Weekly, Ferguson revealed that both frustrations with the band's image and personal drug problems led her to leave Wild Orchid.The Black Eyed Peas were recording their third album, 2003's Elephunk, when invited Ferguson to try out for a song called "Shut Up". She got the gig and instantly bonded with the trio, going on to record five additional songs on the album. The following spring, shortly before Elephunk came out, Interscope chairman Jimmy Iovine offered Ferguson a permanent spot to take over vocal duties and fill the void left by background singer Kim Hill's departure in 2000. From Elephunk came "Where is the Love?", which became The Black Eyed Peas' first major hit, peaking at number eight on the Billboard Hot 100, but topping the charts in several other countries. The album subsequently spawned "Shut Up", which topped the charts in many markets. The third single from the album, "Hey Mama", reached the top 10 in several European countries and later peaked at number twenty-three in the US. In 2004, The Black Eyed Peas embarked on the worldwide Elephunk Tour. Their next album, Monkey Business, was released in June 2005. Monkey Business debuted at number two on the Billboard 200. The album's first single, "Don't Phunk with My Heart", reached number three in the US and earned them a Grammy for Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group. "Don't Lie", the second single from the album, saw success on the Billboard Hot 100, reaching number fourteen.

"My Humps", another song from the album, immediately achieved commercial success in the US, reaching number three on the Hot 100 and number one in Australia. In autumn 2005, The Black Eyed Peas toured with Gwen Stefani, as supporting act. In December 2005, they embarked on the "European Tour". In March 2006, The Black Eyed Peas hit the road again as the featured headliner for the Honda Civic Tour. Ferguson's debut solo album, The Dutchess, was released in September 2006.[15] The Dutchess spawned six hits for Ferguson, beginning with "London Bridge", then "Fergalicious", "Glamorous", "Big Girls Don't Cry", "Clumsy" and "Finally". Ferguson scored her fifth consecutive Top 5 hit from The Dutchess after "Clumsy" reached a peak position of number five on the Billboard Hot 100. On November 18, 2007, Ferguson won the Pop or Rock "Favorite Female Artist" at the American Music Awards.[16] In addition, her song "Big Girls Don't Cry" also earned Ferguson a Grammy nomination for "Best Female Pop Vocal Performance". In December 2007, Blender picked Ferguson as their woman of the year.[17] In 2007, The Black Eyed Peas embarked on the Black Blue & You World Tour, visiting more than 20 countries. Ferguson returned to acting in 2006, appearing as a lounge singer in the Poseidon remake and later had supporting roles in 2007's Grindhouse and the 2009 musical film Nine filmed in 2008. On December 31, 2006, Ferguson began hosting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve on ABC for the pre-taped Hollywood segments after the New Year Ball came down in Times Square. The Black Eyed Peas released "Boom Boom Pow" from the album The E.N.D. in late March 2009, it went to number one in the US,[18][19] making it the group's first chart topper.[18]

They subsequently released a second single from the album, "I Gotta Feeling", which proved an even greater success than the first, moving from number 2 behind "Boom Boom Pow" to the top spot on July 11,[19] and staying 14 straight weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100,[20] the longest stay at the top of 2009. The two hit singles back to back kept The Black Eyed Peas on the top for 26 consecutive weeks, from April 18 through October 16. "Meet Me Halfway" was released as the third single from the album in September 2009. The single reached number one in the UK and Australia. It also peaked at seven on the Billboard Hot 100. In October 2009, Ferguson became a part owner of the National Football League's Miami Dolphins.[21] "Imma Be" was released as the fourth single, reaching number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for two weeks. "Rock That Body" was then released as the fifth single and reached number 9 on the Billboard Hot 100. She launched her debut fragrance, Outspoken, under Avon in May 2010.[22] The Black Eyed Peas' sixth album, The Beginning, was released on November 30, 2010, and is their fourth studio album to feature her as a member. The first single from the album, "The Time (Dirty Bit)", topped the charts in various countries. In January 2011, she began appearing in Dr Pepper Cherry commercials. The second single from The Beginning was "Just Can't Get Enough", which also topped the chart in various countries and also on the UK Dance Chart. "Don't Stop the Party" was the third single from the album. On September 3, 2011, the group performed a concert in Minot, North Dakota to benefit the victims of the 2011 Souris River flood that damaged over 4,000 homes and displaced over 12,000 people in Minot and along the Souris River.[23] On September 22, Ferguson visited Madame Tussauds for the unveiling of her wax figure in Las Vegas, Nevada.[24]

In December 2012, Ferguson confirmed that she had begun writing her second solo studio album.[25] In April 2013, it was announced that Ferguson would be receiving the "Always Next, Forever Now" award from LOGO TV in honor of her work in the LGBT community.[26] Ferguson has filed a claim at the Los Angeles County Superior Court to legally change her name to Fergie Duhamel. Her lawyer claims that she is doing so to "conform to the first name which she is commonly and professionally known as, and has been for many years."[27] She began her career as the voice of Sally Brown in It's Flash Beagle Charlie Brown in 1984 and was on Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool as Dimples. HOLY CRAP! Kick Buttowski is her DTVA debut and only known appearance. The Cleveland Show is her most recent acting credit as various cameos. She has 20 acting credits, 58 soundtrack credits (debut: 50 First Dates in 2004; most recent credit: The Bling Ring & The Great Gatsby 2013 edition) and 135 Self credits (most recent: Fashion Police 2013) to her resume. Brad introduces Kick in a manner that pretty much shows that Brad is a disgusting little ass as April likes little brothers because her sisters basically assault her. I should also point out that Rock Callahan in the ad crimped his neck for at least 15 seconds when Kick got trashed. Anyhow; Brad wants to bring Kick along for the ride as April decides that she would like to go on a date after all and wants to see him at 7 PM. April leaves the counter and Brad drops Kick on his ass. HA! Kick follows Brad away and demands the Golden Access Card because Kick is a selfish, self-centered brat who has issues with his manhood. Brad claims that he won't do it until after the date; but Kick doesn't trust Brad in not stuffing him in a trash can. You just cannot find another multiplex to go to Kick?! I'm almost certain that Mellowbrook has more than one.

Anyhow; Kick decides to trust him and we head to April's house outside AFTER HAPPY HOUR as Kick asks about the plan while Brad rings the doorbells and acts giddy. Brad then admits that he has no plan at all because as we see in the flashback; he was combing his chest hair in the shower while taking one. Ooookkkkaaayyyyy. He looks at his chest hair (all one of them) and the two argue. Then they start channeling Mandark and Dexter as they give each other the goofiest sissy slaps ever at each other. So the door opens and out comes April to stop this foolish nonsense as she is wearing black gloves with a blue dress and a black belt indicating that she might be able to do karate. Brad: Run right now. You are screwed. She sees them sissy slapping each other and demands answers to this nonsense. Brad and Kick stop and smile as Brad claims that they were trying to get something out of Kick's eye. Riiiggggghhhhttttt. Anyway; Kick is now "Helmet Dude" as she and Kick slap skin. Brad offers the same and April isn't so sure; but does it anyway. I also discover that Brad's palms are made of velcro because it takes about five seconds to unstick her hand from Brad's. So April asks about the plan for tonight and I betcha Brad stammers like mad because Brad is an idiot heel. I check the video... Damn; I'm good as Brad tries to sell the plan as awesome and succeeds like Mike "Not" Awesome. So she asks Kick about it and Kick heistates; but then gets clever as we head to the construction underpass for the first time in a long while as Kick is doing stunts while April is on the blue comfy couch with Brad and Gunther. Gunther is reading a neon lime green magaziner with red letters that I cannot make out at the moment. Brad talks as April calls Kick amazing as he does ramping with the skateboard for fun. Brad then starts commenting on her looks which involves making earrings out of April's eyes. That was more disturbing than the writers had intended. Dillweed punishes Brad by spraying water into Brad's face and Kick's expression is obvious that it was done on purpose on the next shot. Brad tries to grab April; but April stands up and cheers Kick doing lame flips. Whatever.

Brad cuts another promo on Kick as I discover that Gunther is reading a magazine about gardening. Brad asks what additional plans Kick has that don't involve stunts and we head to the video arcade as Kick inserts quarters into the machine. I'm dead certain that arcades are (1) dead in 2013 and (2) worth more than 25 cents per play. April and Kick have fun with Dance Dance Revolution; only it involes Medabot like robot which April and Kick sit in. This arcade machine has symbols that are clearly not Japanese; but they translate them anyway which makes no sense. Kind of like the language translations done in For Whom The Bell Klangs Part One actually. So Brad comes in with orange soda pop and hot dogs. He spews about ten times the amount of liquid inside on cue when he see Kick and April bump the robot's asses together. Oooookkkkaaayyyy. Brad keeps spitting liquid and it literally goes nowhere as April praises Kick for keeping up with her. Then in comes Horace; aka Chip Green pointing out that Kick got the hot girl which pisses off Brad as he throws down his food and runs in. He then gets crushed like a dillweed in between the robots. HAHA! Yeah; I laughed at that; so shoot me. Brad gets bumped off towards a wall; which is next to the conveniently placed plug and wire. He unplugs the machine and the two robots dump both Kick and April on their faces. HAHA! Brad runs in and grabs Kick by the suit and yells at him for stealing his girlfriend. April is confused as Brad stops and stammers like an idiot. Brad wants to have a word with him; and they go over to a quiet spot while April plays video games in the background. So Brad is pissed off that April loves Kick instead of him and Kick thinks that she has good taste...

Good DTVA Characters: Yeah right?!

Brad demands that Kick make it so April will fall in love with him; Kick sees this as betraying trust and tries to leave, Brad cuts him off and pleads for mercy; and to trust him. There is a poster of the movie Octo Cop and Rock Callahan claims that trusting Brad is going to be worth it. Rock winks at him and I'm just wondering why this would be worth it since it's clear Brad is going to turn heel at the end; so why bother? Kick ponders it over and decides to accept the deal; under the condition that he gets the golden card at the end. So they shake hands and Brad claims that he's not changing the hands made of honey. What a shock?! So we head to the docks for the coastal midway fair of doom. We head to the rose bushes as April loves roses and Brad yells that they are 20 bucks; and then out of nowhere (not really since we see Kick in the rosebushes injured and thorned again giving the thumbs up) produces roses and gives them to April. April thanks Brad and smells the roses. So Brad joins in to hold hands; but they are sticky and yucky, so Kick runs in and literally swallows Brad's hand. Brad panics like a manic and PUTS OUT THE ASSOWSKI~! HAHA! Kick gets thrown away stage right and he takes an off-screen decent bump; as we have Brad's hand sparkling. FINALLY! Someone does the jackhammer with some form of subtley. So Brad rejoins April and they hold hands as April is happy that the hand is so unsticky now; as we cut to Kick stuffed in the trash can next to an Octo Cop poster. You can guess what happens next as Rock talks about carrot sticks and crimps his neck for fun. So we HIT THE MONTAGE~! Sort of as Kick is on the Ferris Wheel while April and Brad are on some ride where Brad is behind April and has the smelliest mouth breath ever; so stinky that flies show up on cue. April is not liking this smell; but doesn't see Brad. Kick has a slingshot and a packet of breath mints which are part of the Rock Callahan brand. The name of the package is called Deltoids. Yeah.

So the breath mints fly into Brad's mouth and now it smells more minty fresh than Clamantha's in Two Clams In Love. April rejoins Brad in the back as Kick gives the thumbs up. We head to the beach after a southern pan shot of the moon as Brad puts a pearl necklace around April's neck and she loves it. They walk off stage left as Brad gives Kick the thumbs up who by looking at where he's sitting; he was digging for clams; and as Brad leaves; Kick gets towed away in the undertow of the tidal wave which is about 12 feet tall. Then we head to the....I cannot believe I'm typing this...The Tunnel Of Smooshin! Apparently; the Tunnel Of Love is too sexist even for Disney. April and Brad walk towards the swans as I discover that the janitor of the school is running the ride. April wants to prove their loyalty once and for all as she wants to go in the tunnel of smooshin and Brad sweats bullets; and gets all giddy. Brad wants April to wait one moment as he runs over to Kick who has managed to return after getting towed under by the ocean current. What a shock?! They praise each other and then do the FIST BUMP OF DEATH. Those things are deadly man; even deadiler than the knee on knee collision in ice hockey. And just to make light of this; we get the FREDERATOR JACKHAMMER WORDS OF DEATH; because this is Brotherly Advancement. That sounds perverted. Brad proclaims that she wants to be in the tunnel alone with him as Kick asks for the golden card; and Brad brings it out and flicks it over to Kick. Kick catches it and shows it as it has it's guessed it. But then April notices the poster of Octo Cop and proclaims that she loves Rock Callahan and wants to see this movie; but it's sold out for two whole weeks. Now the betrayal actually is apporos because now Brad has been screwed out of his card just as her date has pointed out that she and Kick are compatable. I think we all know where this is going now. So Brad shoves the dillweed away and grabs the golden access card; showing it too April stating that they can see it now. April is so happy that she is going to bail to freshen up for said movie.

So April leaves stage left to the ladies room as Kick runs in and calls him out for being a traitor because they shook hands on it twice. Brad turns around and blows him off because you can never trust Brad when it comes to trust see. Kick is a complete idiot here because he's complaining about betraying him when it's obvious that Brad had no problem giving him the golden card. It was April that derailed that plan. If I were Kick; I would wait until after they see the movie; and then if he doesn't give it back, then tackle him down and do forward rolls. Instead; Kick does exactly that NOW! So we collide into the funnel cake stand and Kick is shut up'ed with a cake in his mouth. Funnel cake violence ensues as Kick is bashed right onto the seat of the dunk tunk which we zoom out and it's called: Dunk The Dillweed. HAHA! I'm shocked no one has thought of that as a booking name for their dunk tanks. Brad throws blue balls; and misses the target by a country mile as Kick mocks him for throwing "like a girl". Brad is pissed off; but the big ass girl in a green dress is even more so since she's a girl (despite having a male voice actor) and she throws a nasty fastball on the target which breaks the glass and Kick drops on his ass; and barely gets wet while everyone within 50 yards gets soaked. Including Kendell; who has shown up out of nowhere. Kick bails, Brad follows with RAGE~! So they make it to the Cherito stand (large, hard cheese bread sticks) and Kick pays for one and gets one from the same guy from Swap Meet. Kick wants an en garde; but Brad has no money in his pockets. Kick buys one and gives one to Brad; and if you recall, this is almost the exact same spot Maltac and Huey Duck did in Huey Duck, P.I.. Okay. Swordfight ensues. Swordfight ensues on the Merri-Go-Round. Swordfighting and horse jumping ensues. So Brad manages to whack the stick away from Kick's hands and it lands right on the chest of a red shirt big bald dude; who screams loud and then drops dead on the controls; and that makes them go faster. This would have made a lot more sense if Brad was wearing gloves since he was bare handed when he grabbed the stick.

So we go around and around and where it stops...Only the writers know...So Kick manages to tackle Brad down while this is going on and we roll right out of the Merri-Go-Round with 42 seconds left in the episode. So Kick is on his back as Brad somehow grabs a trash can in the confusion; and is about to MURDER Kick with it. I would be happy to see this; but Brad has no heat as a heel; so I don't care either way anymore. I betcha April comes out to see this and shoots down Brad for good....I check the video. Damn; I'm so good as Brad is finished this time. Now this is happy because Brad has been exposed about three times already by April; and April didn't sell it until now. Right finish; dumb logic during the build up. April steals the card and holds hands with Kick as she still wants to see the movie with him. Kick is happy as they walk stage right; as the Octo Cop winks and tells the kids to eat carrot sticks. We fade to black and then return for a promo for Deltoid Breath Mints as they show footage of Brad taking them earlier and getting two blue birds and one red bird on his arms. They show the package and the announcer proclaims that it will not give you muscles on your arms; and they cannot be assured that it will give you birds either. I'm not sure I made up that last one. That ends the episode at 10:00 approx. Dumb; but cute. The finish was booked well; but the build up for this was standard and the exposing was muted when April saw Brad at least two or three times before finally dumping him for good. *** (60%).

Opening Moment #2: Title card shows Kick's face on the dollar bill. Riiggggghhhhtttttt. That is just asking for it.

Only The Loan-ly: We begin this one on the street as we see Chip Green in the foreground (oh boy; this is the worst quality of video ever for this series) and we see the kids watching Gunther with the megaphone and Kick with his bicycle as they once barreled down Deadman's Drop; now he is going to race up it. Okay; that sounds better at least as all the kids gasp in horror because it is impossible. If it's his long term likability; then they are right about that. Gunther proclaims that their doubts only fuel his need for danger; or something like that as Kick blows him off because he can speak for himself; and then does a worse job promo cutting that one. So slited as Gunther claims that he couldn't put it better himself. Ummm; I beg to differ sir Gunther! They do a fist bump and then head to the top of Deadman's Drop as Gunther continue to cut promo with the megaphone to annoy me as Mouth and Emo Kid have joined the crowd on top. Gunther proclaims that victory is about to be made as we pan down the steep bunny hill slope of Deadman's Drop; as we see the spikes sounding like metal. So Kick is on his bicycle and he rides up the bunny hill and gets to around 40 feet before his pedalling makes no difference in terms of progression as Mouth and company bail because history is boring anyway. I should be offended by this; but it's Kick we are talking about; so blame him. The green shirt guy in glasses has a catchphrase which is to concur with popular opinion. In other words; he is a smart phone guy. Or maybe not. The funniest part about this is: Kick bicycles up as he's being filmed by Gunther and slowly but surely manages to get one wheel onto the edge of the cliff. He is about to get over the hump with the second wheel despite the fact that he actually made it anyway; and then he goes backwards and crashes into the sign. This while Gunther is doing The Little Engine That Could promo the entire time. Kick does the Team Rocket exit of course and then we cut to inside a backstage of a ice hockey rink as the director demands that he needs someone small to fit into the horse costume as we pan over and see Papercut Peterson on skates mocking this.

Now; I didn't know he was on ice skates because his pants fall down and Kick crashes into him in such a way that he hooked the landing which makes no sense physics wise. He collides into Peterson; Peterson gets up; cuts a promo that he is knocked out and then drops dead. Kick thankfully; is not rendered naked by this; but it still breaks logic because the physics in this show demand otherwise. So the director notices him and shows him the head of the costume which is a green colored horse head. He also shows the poster for this as this is a Teena Sometimes Speculator. Also known as Teena Sometimes On Ice~! TaleSpin actually had one of these; I just don't remember if I ever attended it in Halifax when Disney On Ice was hot. Probably not since I hated the show in 1990. The director's voice is Fred Tatasciore by the way; who has gained almost 120 credits since I last ranted on an episode featuring him. Kick sees this and laughs his ass off; and mocks it. In that order. He leaves and we scene change to the sidewalk with Brianna, Madison and Abbie. Abbie is voiced by Doug Brochu. Madison is voiced by Skai Jackson and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Skai Jackson was born in New York City.[2] She began her career as a child model appearing in numerous national commercials, including for Band-Aid bandages.[2] Her first major acting role was in the independent film Liberty Kid (2007). Followed by other films such as Rescue Me (2008) and The Rebound (2009). In 2009, she was cast member of the Nickelodeon pre-school animated series Bubble Guppies playing role of Little Fish. From 2010 to 2011 she guest starred in the television series Team Umizoomi, Royal Pains and Boardwalk Empire. She also had small role roles in the 2011 films Arthur and The Smurfs.[3] In 2011, she was cast as Zuri Ross in the Disney Channel sitcom Jessie starring Debby Ryan.[2] She began her career as three year old Destiny in Liberty Kid (not the PBS show; the movie). Kick Buttowski is her DTVA debut and only appearance. The Watsons Go To Birmingham as Joetta, Jessie as Zuri Ross, Bubble Guppies as Little Fish and G.I Joe Retaliation as Roadblock's daughter is her most recent credits. She has 16 acting credits and three self credits to her resume.

They have a lemonade stand and they have made enough money for ticket for the Teena Sometimes Speculator..ON ICE~! Madison is giddy about seeing the sparkling ponies and they are peppery. So we see Kick drag his bicycle calling them ladies as he goes into the garage. Gunther follows as Abbie waves hello because she is still in love with him after what happened in Sleepover. So we scene change to seeing footage of Kick pedaling backwards and "failing" (Read: He succeeded; but it don't count because he still got the Team Rocket exit) as he has uploaded it on Rank Of Awesome and it was instantly rejected on cue. I discover that they are in the kitchen because Kick is throwing various international objects for fun because he needs speed because he's a wimp and has not enough endurance to get over the hump; so he needs to cheat. Then we hear someone doing a voice ad on Gunther's laptop as Gunther is pushing button and blowing off a pop-up ad because he wants one that sells something Kick needs. And then we see the ad and it is for an engine branded by Dirtbike Mike. Kick sees the ad and wants Gunther to imagine this as Gunther has that look of giddy stoneness on his face as we flashback to Gunther riding on the bicycle up a building as it involves him saving someone from a 10 foot tall 20000 pound gorilla who is sitting on top of said building. The video quality assures me that I have no idea what is going on in that scene. Kick claims that this flashback makes no sense at all. Kind of like this show actually. So the announcer proclaims that only 2500 engines are left and they cost $100!! For that; you get to spit in the face of gravity, which is much more dangerous than spitting in the face of authority. So Kick needs a hundred bucks and in comes the Teena Sometimes Fan Club proclaiming that they have $100. Kick jumps down and asks to borrow $100 from them. The girls all blow him off together causing Kick to pray and plead for mercy. Mercy? From The Teena Sometimes Fan Club? What the hell are you thinking Kick Buttowski?!

We discover that there are only six engines left as Madison and Abbie do not want Brianna to loan him the money because he won't pay her back anyway despite Kick pleading that he'll pay it back plus interest. Brianna looks at the money and claims that she has enough for three tickets; but with enough money, she'll be able to get backstage passes which proclaims that he will get them in time and he swears on his bloody honor. Gunther rips off his shirt and shows the complete written code on his chest. Yeah; I don't get the point of using your body that way since we never saw anything in Jock Wilder's Nature Camp; but eh. It's basically a daredevil's duty to repay all debts with interest. Madison and Abbie scream on cue and want Brianna to do it after being the ones who told her not to do it. They want backstage passes as Kick has that grin that makes him look like a snake oil salesman as Gunther goes over to warn him about load sharking and how dangerous it was because he saw it on television during loan shark week. Kick blows him off because he's trying to succeed in making blind promises see. Kick tries to proclaim that Brianna would never engage in such a crime as Brianna walks in circles and the hard camera makes it as if her blond hair is the tailfin of the shark. Brianna cuts a promo on never giving up on stunts; so she agrees to do it and pay it on time which is this Friday evening. Kick yells that he promises to pay up and Brianna wants him to say it in slow motion. Kick does that and Brianna shakes hands on the deal; but warns him that if he screws with her; there will be consequences. Abbie and Madison squeal in glee and Gunther panics because he knows what said consequences are. So Brianna gives Kick $100 as there is one more engine left to sell and he pushes on the laptop keyboard and the pop up ad reads that he bought it. So we do a calender sequence where Kick is standing on the sidewalk in various weather conditions; and then it's Friday the 13th and on that morning; the mail truck arrives and throws the parcel box at Kick Buttowski. HAHA! The truck leaves as Kick's emoting of eyes during that sequence was ultra creepy to say the least.

So Kick opens up the package of doom and we see the Dirtbike Mike special engine and he pumps his fist as he attached it to his bicycle. He then is about to cut his promo; but then blows off Gunther because he is playing the background music on the boom box. That was funny. Gunther turns it off and the music in the background starts as Kick pumps his fist for victory and it's time to try to do the stunt; but fail because Brianna is a loan shark who wants her MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Yeap; Brianna, Madison and Abbie are here to collect and she's not playing favorites anymore; which is funny because she rarely does with anyone, except for Denise probably. Kick proclaims that he'll pay him once he completes the stunt with the engine and shows it on Rank Of Awesome. Wait? So you can get money from the website? That makes no sense. He revs it up and it only makes noises as he realizes that it's useless because it's a fake engine. Kick is pissed off as Brianna is not amused so she steals Kick's bicycle after Kick promises to get her the money on time. She's using it as a lean on Kick see as Kick protests this outrage; but Abbie and Madison growl in his face before leaving with Brianna stage right. I hardly call that "consequences" Brianna. You should have stolen his helmet instead because that normally BSOD's him. Gunther blows Kick off because Abbie is still in love with him and he'll be next and that sharks are evil; even ones who are just sharks of loans. Kick proclaims that they need to get some fast cash fast as the girls go inside the house with the bicycle and his skateboard. Not sure about the later; but I wouldn't be surprised. So we HIT THE MONTAGE~! So we do a car wash as Kick uses his ramp to wash the cars; but he screws up for whatever reason (I'm guessing he tripped on a bar of soap; which is downright stupid unless Brianna planted it there first) and splats into the Cowboy Rodeo clown's car. The clown blows him off and all the cars leave on cue. Kick is not happy about that as the director in his car comes in and calls for Kick because he can be famous in his Teena Sometimes On Ice~!

Kick refuses on the spot and blows him off. What an asshole?! I mean; the one thing that could easily give him the money and he won't go for it. That basically means that Kick is not desperate enough to get the money for backstage passes because he's a rigid gender role boy. What an idiot?! So we go to the horse racing stadium to gamble on horse racing. And Kick is supposed to be 11 or 12 years old. Ponder that for a moment. Gunther puts all his coins in a sock and puts it down for A Chiggy Chunga. This just gets dumber and dumber by the moment as Gunther goes over to the rails and has the binoculars on full blast. Would it surprise you that Kick Buttowski is wearing a horse suit?! And cannot get his gate open to save his life? Yeah; I'm not calling this as we are off.....TO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME~! Say what you want; but Kick being Peppy The Horse is a compelling payoff to this episode. And just because I can... Rowdy Remington is voiced by Danny Jacobs and he began his acting career as Danny in Get The Hell Out of Hamtown in 1999 and then did various voices for Futurama. He went on to be Borat in Epic Movie, Curt in Full Blast, and King Juilen in Penguins of Madagascar. Kick Buttowski is his DTVA debut and did additional voices for Phineas & Ferb. Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox as Grifter/Capitan Cold; TMNT 2012 edition as Snakeweed/Snake and Batman: Dark Knight Returns Parts One & Two as Merkel are his most recent credits. He has 36 acting credits, one self credit and one writing credit (Smile If You Want More in 1994) to his resume. I missed his voice in the debut; but not anymore. Gunther thinks Kick is far ahead; but we pan over to the gate; and Irwin Cornheiser and Mack Wilborn grab Kick at the gate and take him away in handcuffs. Gunther eats a Chiggy Chunga; which I discover is a taco like hotdog. That was too much information for me to handle.

So we head to the police station as Kick walks out with the director as he bailed him out. Kick thanks him for it; but refuses to be Peppy The Sparkling Horse. Which is absolutely hilarious because he was playing a bloody horse during the horse races. Yeap; Kick is a sexist! What a shock?! So he blows off the director and now we must make some really fast cash now as we head back to the top of Deadman's Drop as Kick is doing appearances for $100 despite the fact that he has made his stunts for free in the past. Again; what an asshole?! I discover that they are allowing the kids to experience the thrill of doing this as one sucker does it and of course we segue to an ambulence driving away from the hard camera. Gunther wishes that they got the money before they arrived to see him knocked out. What an bunch of assholes?! So the director arrives in his car and pleads for him to be the horse because he'll do anything including giving all access passes! Yes; he is willing to give backstage passes for free on the condition that Kick becomes Peppy The Horse. Kick refuses and leaves with Gunther. What a sexist asshole?! He is now on Bea's level only a lot less likable than Bea. Sure; Bea is an asshole who does stupid things and thinks she's better and enlightened when she is not; but she has proven that she can rise beyond that. Kick; not so much. So we head to Brianna's room as Kick and Gunther come in and give Kick an envelope claiming that it's money and gives it to Brianna. Brianna opens it and it's only Daredevil Dollars; which is basically Canadian Tire Money; only it's Daredevil Tire Money. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Note to Brianna: MURDER Kick now! You have my complete blessing on this! Abbie can have Gunther; but no rape please; this is a family show. So what does Brianna do? She is merely sad and heartbroken as she accuses Kick of being Brad and Brad blows her off in the background. Kick apologizes in the most hallow way possible by apologizing for being sad instead of apologizing for not paying her ON TIME! And Brianna is so heartbroken that she openly weeps. UGH! UGH! UGH!

Listen; if I were Brianna, I would not cry. I would make Kick's life a living miserable hell now; but instead; she screams to Kick to get out of her room and Kick leaves. Brianna slams the door and that is that. What a way to make Brianna look absolutely weak guys. Over a ice dance show. At least in Sister Pact; there was the importance of belonging to a group and therefore the story was justified if she cried and failed due to Kick's stupidity and inspidity. Here; there is none and she loses her character development because Brianna is supposed to be better than this; and I get denied a big babyface beatdown by the girls. So Kick feels bad; but he proclaims that he never gives up, and in order to get the money; he's going to need Bonesaw (his bicycle in case no one notices). So we head to the garage as Madison and Abbie are guarding the bicycle as they promise to break Kick's ass as Kick practices the fine art of not being seen and gets on the bike; but forgets to deattach the noise engine of doom from said bike and blows his cover the instant he rides. Kick pleads for mercy; and the two girls will show no dice as Madison orders Abbie to get him. Abbie launches herself at Kick; but Kick manages to bike away and open the garage door on the ceiling and bicycle out as Abbie faceplants herself. Yeah; so much for that. Abbie is in a fit of ROID RAGE~ and destroys the garage door in the process before going after Kick Buttowski. They manage to grab on the side engine; but Kick revs so hard that the engine breaks and he goes at super sonic speed; and somehow, the road is not set on fire. He rides up Deadman's Drop with ease and flies into the air as Gunther appears out of nowhere proclaiming that he knew he could do it. Kick turns the bicycle around and goes down the hill to fetch a pail of Non Payoff Nuts~! Mouth and the other kids point that this is actually possible now (also out of nowhere) as the glasses kid proclaims that he concurs with the majority opinion. He has clearly been bullied; because it makes no sense as a geek otherwise.

So Gunther yells at him to hook the sign; but he crashes into it and does the Team Rocket exit for the second time as Madison and Abbie growl at him from the ground proclaiming that they knew he wouldn't pull through. So we scene change to a sky shot of a hockey rink as we see Peppy The Horse ice skate and there is a full crowd as Madison, Abbie and Brianna are shrieking with glee as Brianna proclaims that she knew her brother would pull through despite the fact that she cried about him blowing it. The director is happy that Kick came around as he's sitting with Gunther and the closing shot is Kick Buttowski's face is shown inside the Peppy The Horse costume doing figure skating and doing a great job of it; just to make look like the rigid gender role male that he is. I can accept this as ending over the one they did with Kick in the shrimp suit in Kickasarus Wrecks because Kick was only just a slacker instead of causing destruction and nearly killing people. Except for the Cowboy Rodeo Clown's car and the kid that went to the hospital; but neither of them were widespread damage and they should have accepted the risks anyway. Plus; no one watching this cares about them. This ends the episode at 10:00 approx. The episode was fine; but Brianna's whining and crying pissed me off because she's a far better character than this and I couldn't muster any sympathy for her in that form; when she could have just chased after Kick and have Kick hide in the bushes; and then go for the finish. Otherwise; it was fine. *** (60%).


The last two short of 2013 for Kick Buttowski end with the same amount of quality: Above average episodes. Bromance was fine despite the buildup not making sense and it made April look dumb and thus the whole angle sounded silly in hindsight. The Robot Dance Dance Revolution thing along with the Deltod Breath Mints spots were funny and Kick looked great for once and the finish was correctly booked in spite of the flaws. Only The Loan-ly was fine; although Kick Buttowski being an asshole and an idiot did bother me for a while because he dressed up like a horse in the horse racing bit; and the director wanted him to play a horse: namely Peppy The Sparkling Horse, and he refused everytime. Brianna was great at first; but when Kick screwed him out of payment; I was mad when she broke down and cried because it felt so rigid genderized and it also denied me the chance to see Brianna, Madison and Abbie do the Horsemen beatdown on Kick and Gunther (and wouldn't it be awesome if Abbie was doing it to Gunther?). That pissed me off. The finish was the usual "must do stunt or else no buys" stuff; but the ending was booked right and it only served to make me hate Kick just a little more for his sexism.

So that is it for Kick Buttowski in 2013! We did eight shorts and we had one thumbs up and seven thumbs in the middle as there were no excellent episodes; but no bad episode either; which is a win for this show. Not much offended me and the logic and toilet humor wasn't too bad. So next up is Recess: School's Out next weekend and there is also the remaining three episodes of Fish Hooks left in Season 2 to do. On Tuesday; the plan is to do Spoiler Alert and Unresolved Fishues and then the next Monday after that; I'll be doing Rock Lobster Yeti and Fish At Work to complete season two. Then after that; I'll do prep work for the season three episodes and work from there. After Christmas; I'll do probably Pertified and Kyle-E-Coyote as mini rants. Goof Troop Christmas Special will be on December 21st as originally planned. Phineas & Ferb is coming on the first weekend of 2014. Prep work will be done once the Fish Hooks episodes are completed. If things go well; I should be done in early December. So...

Thumbs in the middle for both shorts and I'll see you next time.

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