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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Poll Position/Petrified! Rant

Reviewed: 02/01/2014

The Polls Positions Kick As A Petrified Asshole!

Okay; despite the fact that this next rant was taken from a video in Spanish; it has the subtitles in English; so at least I know what is going on here. This is basically Kick and the gang coming up with the scariest ghost story and the winner is the one who is the last guy in the tent. Ooookkkkkaaayyy. Then another day for the vainglorious bastard as Kick is now trying to get Jackie The Stalker elected class president because she is somehow less awful than Kendell. Whoopie! So let's continue on shall we...?

Poll Position is written by Derek Dressler. The storyboards are done by Stephen Destefano and Troy Adomitis. Stephen Destefano started on The Ren & Stimpy Show in 1993 as a writer, storyboard and was Chalky Cheesefist on said show. He then worked on Beethoven the Series,The Baby Huey Show, Runaway Brain, The New Woody Woodpecker Show, Hercules & Xena: The Animated Movie, King Crab: Space Crustacean, Courage The Cowardly Dog, The Cartoon Cartoon Show, Welcome to Eltingville, Xiaolin Showdown, Minoriteam, The Venture Brothers (as Dr. Entmann as well), Plastic Man in Puddle Trouble, New Teen Titans, and his most recent credit: DC Nation's Farm League. Kick Buttowski is his DTVA debut and only known appearance; unless you count Mickey Mouse 2013 edition. He has 21 art department credits, seven animation department credits, two writing, two acting and one art director credit to his resume. The direction is done by Chris Savino and Clay Morrow. Petrified! is written by Derek Dressler and Johnathan Howard (who wrote the story). Storyboards were done by Howie Perry and direction was done by Chris Savino and Clay Morrow. Episodes are done with Toon Boom like all episodes of this show.

First Note: As you probably have noticed; these episodes are in separate episode blocks because Disney is such a bastard and these were the only two episodes I could find that were not released on this website.

Opening Moment #1: The opening feature a black background with a red checkmark on a box with Kick and his skateboard attached to the end. This gives new meaning to the term: "I'm Kick Buttowski and I approve of this message". Well; I don't approve of said message.

Poll Position: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM and then the front door slams open showing Kick riding on his skateboard down the driveway and onto the street. Jackie is looking on from the window of her house and she's in total ectasy as she runs after Kick Buttowski looking so happy and gleeful that her smile and personality would have to be surgically removed. Kick tries to get away; but Jackie is so happy that she wants to help him with the stunts. Kick ponders this one over and then we scene change to Jackie on the ground holding up a ramp which Kick drives over with the skateboard. No one ever accused Jackie of not taking one for the team so to speak. She gets crushed by the ramp (which is what the Kendell/Kick shipper hopes that happen; but it won't. Kick does the Team Rocket exit into the sun; and sadly we all know he won't get burned by it.

So we head to on the sidewalk in front of Mellowbrook School where Kendell and Rolando are on podium talking to a bunch of kids including Mouth who is asking some tough questions. I don't know what he's saying since the feed I'm using is not in English. Kendell responds to said question... Then Kick arises from the sky and Rolando and Kendell panic. Kick crashes into the big giant poster board body first. When the dust settles (on a sidewalk? Really guys?) we can see a glorified shot of his ass; which I'm guessing was edited because even though he's still wearing his white suit; we can see his asshole literally. Not just the ass; but the whole tunnel. The kids laugh at Kendell's expense; because the implication is that they think Kick and Kendell have eyes for each other; which is WRONG~! So Mouth taunts her with that and Kendell's right eye twitches (like Molly's ear twitched in Jolly Molly Christmas) and she gets explosion jackhammer background and murders the podium with RAGE~! Ah; something that doesn't make her look so bland.

She invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH on Kick as she's pissed off for making her look more embarrassed than she was during Diaper Awareness Month. Despite the fact that the feed I'm using is in Spanish (I think); the audio is the only thing dubbed as we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! We see a sign with a cloth diaper on it as it reads "Cloth Diaper Awareness Month". Wait; so Kendell is an activist of this by choice? Because if so; she looks really stupid. So Kick crashes into the sign and then we repeat the spot only with Delaware Awareness and Poster Awareness as Kick destroys both signs. Kendell flashes the TEETH OF RAGE on the poster one as we return to reality (no, not really) as Kendell is giving Kick the third degree. Mouth is not impressed which I think he states that she cannot speak without a podium. I'm saying this because Rolando looks scared as he gives Kendell his podium to speak on and she points for Rolando to basically hit the bricks. HA!

So Kendell screams into the microphone with awesome rage and emoting that Kick Buttowski goes completely to pieces like a Mr. Potato Head toy. It's nice to know that in North America; you can in fact show a character being beheaded, sliced and diced into pieces because in Japan, that is no longer allowed in children's anime. Well; beheading anyway. I blame Ideon Be Invoked for that one. Anyhow; the guise of this is that Kendell and Rolando are trying to win the right to be class president and Rolando gives up his election campaign to allow Kendell to be class president. Kendell was screaming that if she is class president, she'll basically make sure Kick Buttowski wil NEVER...AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER allow Kick to be a daredevil ever again; thus why Kick went to pieces. Kick protests this outrage of course because he's a vainglorious bastard and this is his show see. He then stands on the podium..Kick proclaims that he'll run for class president; but Kendell responds that Kick cannot enter because of some BS rule that I have no idea because it's in Spanish and there are no non verbal cues to help me.

However; someone claims that there is nothing in the rulebook that states that Kick Buttowski cannot pick someone to nominate for president. Kick ponders it over and in comes Jackie with the ramp board and Kick groans which indicates that Jackie wants to be class president as well to screw Kendell's chances of screwing Kick. Now there's one empowered woman right there. Sure; she's a stalker and doesn't have enough foresight, but she is so likable that I can overlook those little tiny problems. And the fact that Kick is unlikable also helps a lot. So Kick gets on the podium and proclaims that he'll choose Jackie as class president to nominate and Kendell is shocked as the crowd reclucently claps for her. Jackie is so happy that she throws the ramp into the air and it lands right on her and squashes her like a bug. HAHA! Gravity just doesn't care about her it seems as Kick looks worried. Kendell is pissed off of course; for no reason. Hey; it's only Jackie and she got a lukewarm reception at best. You should be able to win this one Kendell. Being pissed off doesn't endear you to the voters.

So we head into the hallway of Mellowbrook School as Gunther is painting words on Kick's front suit. I know this because there is a stamp picture of Jackie on the back; and there are pieces of paper taped onto the lockers. Gunther isn't so sure about this plan; but Kick claims that it will work basically. So Kick becomes a human stamp as he stamps "Vote For Jackie" and her mug (in red paint mind you) onto the sheets of paper taped on the locker. This goes on for a long ass whomping time; as Jackie rushes in riding the mop bucket from the janitor's room in the foreground and crashes off-screen with MAN-SIZED bumps. Kick is pondering over some more as Gunther brings out a treasure chest containing a large moose tongue which stinks badly. Whatever Gunther as Kick is gagging right on cue. I realize that this is a running gag because the last four or five minutes of this episode is in English! Kick sticks out his tongue acting repulsed and apparently that offends Gunther and wants another plan.

So Kick ponders it over some more and has his idea... So we see Kick Buttowski stuffing poster of "Vote for Jackie" into a locker (and it appears that every locker is like that; and then slams the door shut. Kick bails as students start opening said lockers and the Jackie poster go flying and it creates a tidal wave. This makes absolutely no sense; but whatever. Kendell gets wiped out as three students (one of them is the guy who talks about majority opinions and he's the glasses wearing dork; one female and one male jock). They sing in order to vote for Jackie; then hum and then bail stage right. Kendell gets up begging for them to return; but no dice. Rolando comes in and claims that at least they sang it in the right order which gets Kendell all flustered. So then we HIT THE MONTAGE~! Spring hopping on sidewalks putting signs of Jackie in front of Kendell; which I'm certain would violate election laws in Canada. Then we see Kick operating a race car like harvester as he create a crop symbol which states to vote for Jackie. A UFO comes in and the aliens see it and they get the sports gear on for her. You know this world is sad when Jackie is the one who assures us that the aliens won't kill the living piss out of us. They look like tools in those getups sadly.

So we scene change to Kendell trying to fix a sign but Kick is skateboarding in the street (because he's a rebel see) with a white banner that reads Vote Jackie in purple letters. Kendell throws a lame raspberry; and then gets MURDERED by Jackie as she is skateboarding away stage left. HAHA! Kendell is holding the sign of being framed in more ways than one. Scene changer of doom and we head to a sidewalk as Kendell is addressing four kids (all of them were different than the trio hummers; so this is fine) with an easel containing Kendell's mug on it; which is a bad sign for her election hopes. Kendell claims that if you vote for her; Clarence Buttowski will never distract anyone again. Which leads to a zoom out as we see a green float passing by with Jackie and Kick on it; as at least six different kids are chasing behind it claiming that they are distracted. HAHA! Kick does the double devil's pose and proclaims that you cannot spell distraction without action. Oh; dig that cooky wordplay. See; Kick made a...Oh never mind; no one is watching this show anymore except probably me.

So Kendell gets run over by more students like a stampede for fun; and then we scene change to Kick going down Widowmaker's Peak with an orange jackhammer. Way to go Kick for jackhammering the point home huh? He also breaks the laws of gravity, logic and reason by doing curls as we see Kendell on the sidewalk at the booth with more students as apparently, some of them were behind JACKIE in the original sequences earlier. Continuity? What's that? They turn around and notice the mountain is carved like Mount Rushmore with Jackie's face on it which looks awesome. HA! These students turn on Jackie and leave to go stare in awe on the statue. Kendell is in shocked as a French artist in white with a black beret comes in and likes it so much that he thinks Jackie will win for sure; or Kendell has no chance in hell of winning. Either way; artist walks off stage right and Kendell is pissed again. So we get the scene changer and we are on the sidewalk with Gunther questioning Kick about Kick's attempt to make Jackie class president and Kick proclaims that as long as Jackie is the front runner; he's safe from Kendell's ways of screwing Kick's daredevil lifestyle. Wait; how does that work?

Never mind; let's head to somewhere near the school as Jackie has a full booth and office for her campaign which includes ramps on both sides of the counter. And a lot of balloons. We discover that Kick and Gunther are watching her from a distance as Gunther is blowing off Jackie and Kendell. See; Gunther thinks these two are playing into Kick's hands instead of the other kids who are going to vote for one of these two. Kick is in a green chair proclaims that it's all cool as Gunther points out that Jackie is whacky. Ummm; that is why she's the most likable character in this show Gunther. Jackie comes over as Kick introduces her as Jackie Whackerman and the crowd pops for her as she does her stump speech and sounds like the most awesome class president ever without sounding like a dirty politican. Come on people; you expect me to believe that Jackie can do dirty politics. And no; whispering that she's doing it for Kick doesn't count. Jackie is cuddling up with Kick as Kick panics and proclaims that she is a worse choice for CP than Kendell is.

Gunther proclaims that she is bad because she doesn't give a crap about the voters. I beg to differ Gunther as Kick cuts him off because of his interests. So Kick to going to sabotage Jackie's chances to get elected. Again; we are supposed to like him; how? And we HIT THE MONTAGE~! We see Kick trying to censor Jackie with posters but he does the bump WITH CHEESE & BACON into the wall. Then Kick destroys Mount Jackie's head and it falls down the cliff and squashes a sign voting for Kendell. The kids walk away wanting to vote for Jackie. Kick falls and faceplants in kind. Kick tries the ramp up to a plane and place a "Do Not" on voting for Jackie banner; but he misses by at least ten feet and gets WARNERED~! The do not sign attaches to a stop sign and Kick faceplants into mud and then gets squashed by a steam roller; and somehow he's not flat. FACKING BULLSHEET! I club BS&P! So Kick is walking on the sidewalk as we get dream sequences of Kick in the stocks in the middle of the street as Kendell blows up Kick's daredevil equipment; while Jackie blows up Kick's house. Wow; Kick must seriously think those two are terrorists or something.

Kick calls the two party system a joke and now he has to choose between the less of two evils: The one who wants to crush his hopes and dreams; or the one who wants to kiss his hopes and dreams. Kick ponders this over... So we head into the gym as we see Rolando at the table with a green box as various kids come in and stuff ballets because it's apparently class president election day. Apparently; the ticket today is Kendell and Krazzey; or something along those lines. So we pan over to Kendell who is putting up a poster and it is shredded already. Kick comes in and wants to shake hands on the deal because he is going to vote for her as long as Kendell helps Kick take down Jackie and goes back on her campaign promises. Which Kendell gleefully blows off because Kendell is merely boring instead of being unlikable. We pan over to Jackie shaking hands and sadly; no baby kissing is involved as Kick motions everyone to come over and hear what Kendell's promises are.

Kendell teases for a moment and then proclaims that she wants to make Kick's life miserable. Well; the show ended in December; so Kick's life is already miserable since he didn't last as long as Fish Hooks will. So everyone boos Kick I think (since they don't seem to be directing their boos at Kendell) and Jackie is PISSED at Kick for not voting for her; but she doesn't care because she loves Kick so much that she'll win anyway and make Kick's life "miserable". Scare quotes intentional. Kick screams and is pissed off because he wonders in disbelief in what elections are all about. Then Gunther arrives on the stage and he goes all Linus Van Pelt on us from A Charlie Brown Christmas. From the spotlight; the camera angles and the tone of voice. The only thing missing from this is Gunther claiming that it was Jesus Christ who invented elections. Too bad; as wrong as it sounds, that would have been a funny moment. The crowd pops anyway (obviously a botch since they were supposed to be slient) as Kick gets on stage as Gunther proclaims that this is what elections are about and he grabs a fur blanket and sucks his thumb like Linus too.

Kendell should just get on stage and give Gunlinus five good reasons that he's full of crap. And then make a fist. Kick proclaims that there is only one winner here and we see a third poster in the middle of Jackie and Kendell's poster as Gunther is declared the winner. Pffftttt; once again, a female is denied a chance to become president. Typical sexist reaction as the crowd does the football victory spot with Kick and Gunther while Jackie and Kendell just look stunned and wonder what went so wrong. Does white, angry, male entitlement sound right there? Jackie shrugs it off because there is next year and Kendell wants to smoke her again then.So we cut over to Kick and Gunther as Kick is thankful for this. Gunther has some order of business and the first thing is to have the cafetera serve lots and lots of moose tongue which seems very rotten onto Kick Buttowski's tray. HAHA! Kick isn't all that amused; but he proclaims that it's still better than Jackie and Kendell combined and that ends the episode at 10:00 approx. This was very good even if I didn't understand the first four or so minutes due to me sucking in understanding Spanish; most due to Jackie being awesome. Sadly; Jackie and Kendell fall to the WASPS once again. Jackie as class president would have rocked; and I mean that in the nicest way possible. *** 3/4 (75%).

Opening Moment #2: Title card is a horror show of a crimson red/yellow creepy hands and tent with Halloween-equse lettering for the title. Not much to see here.

Petrified!: We begin this one with Brad and Harold in front of a big ass spruce tree with axes. They chop down the tree as Kick monologues that Brianna and Denise think that the Buttowski Camp Out is all about bonding and such stuff. However; Kick knows the real reason is to tell ghost stories and scare them into the house as we see Brad and Harold put the wood on the fire. We pan over to the white tent AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Kick and Gunther are inside. Dad apparently wins the scariest stories contest every year; which we HIT THE FLASHBACK to Year One (complete with Fairly Oddparents Jackhammering of course) which Little Kick and Little Brad are frightened like little bunny rabbits as Harold turns around and we discover that he's a vampire nurse complete with jackhammer background and red splatters of blood. Remember a time when blood was never allowed in DTVA?! Yeah. Blue cross nurse outfit + vampire + Harold equals cool gig. Brad and Kick scream and run out of the tent and into the house. Yeah; Harold won.

So we jackhammer Year Two and we have Harold with Kick's skateboard threatening to murder Kick's skateboard because he's a madman. And Harold murders the skateboard. Man; that is COLD. Kick and Brad scream and run out of the tent as they are full age now. Wait; so Kick was six and now he's 10 years old? So they waited four years before doing this again? Am I missing something here? Ummmmmmmmmm...nope. So we jackhammer Year Three with the DAREDEVIL CLOWN OF DOOM. That's not scary; that's Kick's gimmick in the early episodes of season one of this damn show. You can guess what happens next as he whispers into Brad and Kick's ear and they run outside in circles before going into the house. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Gunther is shell shocked. Kick points out that he never wins because Dad's stories win before he even has a chance to tell his. Then why not have Harold go on last?! So Kick is on his cellphone and we discover that Wade is at the Food -N- Fix at the counter dressed up like a tree as this is operation killer tree. I know this is fake because this "killer tree" has yet to eat Charlie Brown's kite.

So we have Kick hanging up as Gunther points out that this is Saint Olaf's day and he dresses up like a viking and use canoes. Whatever Gunther. Gunther demands S'Mores. I demand better writing; but I expect Gunther's dream to come true before mine. So is life with Mr. Icy Roads. Harold comes in claiming that they are out of S'Mores and Gunther screams and runs out of the tent. Harold proclaims that there is two victims left as Brad comes in not looking amused. Harold wants Kick to go first; but Kick decides to go last because he is confident. Yeah; he offers you a chance to scare him and you refuse to take it? Kick has now reached Drake Mallard levels of stupidity. So that means Brad goes first and both babyface mock Brad like heels. Sigh. Brad blows them off because he has a Krackpotkin plan to stay in the tent because he has a bungie cord rope attached to him. So Kick just boos him and Brad screams; runs out of the tent; but springs back into the tent. So I'm guessing that you have to be fully inside the house before you are eliminated.

And because the writers have no idea who is a good guy and who is a bad guy in this show; Kick repeats the spot about five times as we zoom out to inside the kitchen as Denise and Brianna are so happy that Denise literally poops something out of her ass; and we discover that both Brianna and Denise are at least 200 pounds heavier combined in real life. I don't know what they were shooting for here; and after that, I'm better off not knowing. So we scene change to outside the tent as we head inside with the male Buttowski's sitting facing each other while Brad has a microphone and the camp light in the middle. Brad goes on and on about mystery and stuff; which earns a blow off from Harold to hurry up because Brad is a loser with no heat as a heel. So Brad blows him off for ruining the mood and we go into "Scary Story #1" which is called the "Toilet of Terror". So Brad is reviewing a Butt Ugly Martians episode? That actually would be legit scary to be honest with you. So we hit the dream sequence and head to Mellowbrook School as Brad is the snappy dresser principal and narrator of this episode as we see a kid addressed as Woodrow holding his crotch while running to the bathroom because he had an extra large soda. Yeah; I saw this in Fairly Oddparents with Timmy's Dad; so it's not out of place in the modern era of cartooning.

So we make it to the door as Woodrow is locked inside the school after hours and needs the bathroom; but the men's room is locked, for no reason. So he manages to run out of the "locked" school (yeah; this makes no sense) and runs into a foggy football field towards a port-a-potty. He enters inside the fly infested port-a-potty and goes to the toilet; and the door slams shut to indicate that it is occupied. Why? I do not know as he screams; toilet paper comes out and wraps him up like a mummy. Brad proclaims that no one can hear you scream in a port-a-potty which is absolutely false on it's ear. And then the next morning; there are two port-a-potties which makes no sense whatsoever as Brad is covered in toilet paper being bat crap insane which causes no amusement for Harold and no signs of emoting from Kick Buttowski. Harold claims that Woodrow turns into a port-a-potty and both Harold and Kick mock him for it. Maybe next year indeed. So we finally get to Harold's turn because this is a manly man's sport as Brad has a picture of him and Woodrow because they are best friends; and he cries over it. Too little too late to turn Brad babyface when he was buried as such in the early episodes.

Apparently this story is so scary that Brad should leave the tent now; and Brad screams and tries to run out; but the bungie cord screws him again as I discover that it's tied to the tent pole. So Brad crashes into the tent pole and we HIT THE DREAM SEQUENCE~! This one is called "The Car"! Complete with wicked laughter in the background. Ooookkkkkaaay; that was lame. It should be called "Revenge of Monique". So after the jackhammered sequence we go B&W to in front of Kick's house as Harold is washing the car Monique as Brad arrives with a raccoon cap and a bottle of "alcohol" as he drinks up and smears brown stuff on the car demanding money. Harold is more concerned about the wax job than being robbed at this point. Harold points out that he's plumb broke because Brad demanded a personal trainer. So Brad grabs Harold by the ankles and shakes him down for cash. Brad grabs the bills; mocks Harold and leaves. Harold apologizes to Monique because Brad smeared something on the side of the car. I'm guessing it's wax. Funny how he claims he has disrespectful children when Kick nor Brianna appeared in this scene to claim as such.

Then Monique starts up for no rhyme nor reason which Harold calls odd. So we head inside the adult's bedroom AFTER HAPPY HOUR as both Harold and Denise are asleep in their beds. Denise has the eye patch over her eyes. We hear the car start and Harold goes over to the window with just his underwear on and notices the car starting up in the driveway and on the antenna is Brad's raccoon cap. Harold runs in the hallway to Brad's room and there are tire tracks in the entire room; for no reason. So then we jump cut to Harold noticing Brianna opens the car door and goes into the car; slams the door and gasses the inside of it which makes Harold angry. This seems disrespectful; but then again, maybe Brianna thinks her perfume is so powerful that it kills people with allergies within a 1000 mile radius. Did you ever think of that one Harold? So we repeat the sequence again; only the tiara is on the antenna. Harold loves this now and we jump cut to Kick bouncing off the car with his skateboard calling him a breadwinner. Oooookkkkkaaaayyyyyy; that was disrespectful! You can guess what happens next as Harold is getting all heelish.

So Harold is in the car wiping the inside when Denise arrives demanding answers to this outrage of oil stains and missing children. Harold offers her a ride and then we see Harold riding in the car on the street; and then we pan over to the antenna as we discover that Denise in this story is bald because there is a red wig on the top of antenna. We return to reality (No, not really) as Harold is spraying motor oil on Brad for no reason whatsoever. He screams; and he tries to run; but the bungie cord screws him again. All I say is; that tent pole is tougher than Steve Williams. Kick teases screaming; and then he remembers to do the one thing that stops this situation: exhale. Yeah. Nice going; you buried Harold and won. See; the way it should be done is. Brad's story don't scare anyone. Kick's story scares Brad to the point that the bungie cord snaps and he runs out to be eliminated, and then Harold's story is so scary that Harold scares himself and eliminates himself due to the combined scariness of the stories. Okay?! By having Harold go second and Kick is not scared; that means Kick has already won this year. Unless you are going to sudden death; and maybe they should have gone there...

Kick claims that he's not scared; but Harold will be as he grabs the flashlight and states that his scary story is something that happens in every front yard which is...trees. Brad and Harold laugh their asses off in response. Harold calls this lamer than toilets; as Kick tells them to laugh now because it's time for "A Nightmare on Buttowski Street". Yeah; they wasted a witty title on the vainglorious bastard. Shame. So we head back and see the tree that Brad and Harold cut down with their axes earlier. See; the storyline to this is that the tree was obscuring Brad's attempts to act like a sexist pervert in front of the SEXIST GIRL OF THE DAY who is inside her room with the window open on the other side. In Harold's case; the sap was dropping on Monique so we cut to a shot of the full moon as Kick claims that they conspired to murder the tree as fog sets in and we pan south to the beginning of the episode. Okay; this makes total sense now. The only difference is that Harold and Brad are laughing like psychopaths.

So the tree goes timber and we cut to the front of the house with an awkward camera angle as thunderstorms claps and rain pelts down. We see Harold and Brad go into the house and then pan over to the down tree; and apparently; they forgot to call the freakin truck to haul the tree out because the tree won't stay down and grows roots. Yawn. So the tree turns into a tree man that we see in Dragon Quest a lot; along with Gummi Bears as I yawn at this story. We cut to Harold and Brad celebrating like a bunch of toxic manly goofballs as they get in death reference #2 (remember Wade's "Killer Tree" reference earlier) as we head inside as they are dancing of course. So the windows break open and Brad is grabbed by the KILLER TREE OF DEATH; and then Harold gets grabbed (I think) as the entire room's roof collapses and debris caves into the room. The tree wants vengeance. So do I; but they have the wrong unlikable characters here. So the tree runs for a bit and then sinks right into the ground dragging a screaming Harold and Brad into the ground which kills them in storyline.

Then the rain stops and morning arises and they are never seen again. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Kick has the flashlight and his emoting sucks as Harold mocks fear while Brad is cutting the bungie cord with a hacksaw and failing badly. Then we hear rustling noises in the background as Brad is crying and sobbing about how he wronged so many trees; while Harold is still mocking fear here. So the rustling noises continue and now Harold starts selling fear. Kick instantly blurts out that it's Wade; but he's too early. So Kick calls Wade and we discover that he's still at the Food -N- Fix counter as he cannot leave since blue birds have made a nest in his killer tree. HAHA! Kick hangs up as Brad and Harold hold each other like two...You guessed it. So the male Buttowski pop their heads out of the tent; and they see nothing of note. Brad and Harold blow each other off for trying to kill the tree of doom. We discover that the girl is Taniki from Taniki Lumberjackes. Not making this up; which Kick didn't.

So Harold and Brad want to leave; but Kick blows it off as fake. Harold wants to leave because he wants to save Brianna and Denise; so Brad and Kick twinkle toe out of the tent; allowing Harold to claim that he won again. What a pointless episode this was?! So Harold twinkle toes in as we see Brianna and Denise do I say this without acting sexist and racist at the same time? They are in the kitchen sitting on the floor eating buckets of fried chicken. For no good reason. This really pissed me off! They then stand up and wants to do makeover to act girly (oh lord...) and they retain their figures. What the hell was the point of that?! So Kick twinkle toes to the door and tries to open it; but it's locked. We see Harold and Brad holding each other like a bunch of Scoobys and Shaggies. We discover that it's the side door; because Brad screams to go to the front door and they run (complete with Hanna Barbera running sound effects) to the front door; and as they grab the knob (Kit: Which one? A door knob; or Kick? Gregory: The door one. Kit: Damn it!) ; and we pan north to a shadow of what is clearly Denise's made over hair.

Even I wasn't fooled at this; but the males sell it as being the tree has got Denise and Brianna. Harold then says the most sexist thing I have ever heard in a DTVA cartoon: Harold proclaims that the girls are dead and they need to flee to start a new life in a treeless environment with a less demanding wife and less expensive daughter. Yeah; that is exactly what he said; and then the door opens and Denise and Brianna are legit pissed off. And they are stereotype looking girls now. These writers just don't care anymore. Brad blames Dad for cutting the tree down which Harold blows off because it soiled Monique. Okay; this sounds rational, sort of. I should note that Brianna and Denise's hair style look so absurd that they must be trying out for Dragon Ball F. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! POW! OUCH! OUCH! Ummmmm... So then Denise is about to blow them off; when the tree suddenly marches forward; which scares everyone. Then it drops and out pops Gunther in a viking suit.

He wants so chop the tree up for a canoe which stuns everyone; and then the Spruce Strangler rises from the dead and we have a longish sequence of trees growing; Kick, and Harold get grabbed and eaten along with Gunther, Denise and Brianna. Brad tries to hide in his room; but the roots grab him......and then we discover that this was a flashback to a flashback as Kick is in the tent with a flashlight finishing his story. Harold and Brad are scared into sobbing and they all run out of the tent and they do Scooby Doo Snow Angel spots into the house; which is giving Kick the win. Yeap; it's the Spongebob Squarepants "which reality is correct?" finish. It was amusing the first time Spongebob Squarepants did it with Miss Puff and the boat driving stuff; but now it's staler than 50 day bread. That ends the short at 10:20 approx. This was fine until they started making Brianna and Denise look so fat. At least the story made sense until the Spongebob Squarepants reality finish; but it felt dull anyway. ** (40%).


Well; Poll Position was one of the better Kick Buttowski episodes out there. It's mostly Jackie being awesome and screwing Kick as much as Kendell. What could be wrong with that? I did find Gunther's attempts to channel/rip off Linus from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special (you know which one) to be contrived and it was enough for the win for Gunther. As mentioned; A WASP won which everyone and their dog expected from the start. Kick being a human stamp and doing all this PR stuff for Jackie was really amusing; along with Kendell's emoting which was off the charts in this one. Kendell should be this pissed off everytime Kick screws her. Overall; this was good; but it could have been better if the spots were better and Gunther hadn't brought out his moose tongue. Overall; I'm impressed that I was able to figure out the first four minutes or so of what happened despite it being in Spanish. Don't expect me to rant on actual Spanish versions of Kick Buttowski in the future unless they have subtitles; or no one speaks. I was just lucky that I could understand using the non-verbal cues. Wait; did Alaska Animal Lover claim that no one uses non-verbal cues in modern cartoons? Well; that is crap as demonstrated in the first four minutes of this episode.

Well; Petrified was a classic case of the old "not much to see here" phrase as it was a boring, dull ghost story with no heat and I didn't care because I knew Kick already won when Harold couldn't scare Kick out of the tent with his story. The story of the tree makes sense for a ghost story since they cut down a tree at the beginning and there was continuity and all; but then they screwed it up by doing an offensive segment with Denise and Brianna eating fried chicken for no reason at all. Brad still has no heat; and the tree man story would have been better if Harold was telling it. Plus; as much as the Spongebob reality finish is amusing; but it has been overdone so many times now that no one is amused by it. Overall; this was a dull episode with some funny moments; but not much else other than Denise eating fried chicken like Daisy eating Tasty Paste. Not a good idea guys! That'll be it for Kick Buttowski unless I can find some English episodes. I would love to rant on that one where Kick and Gunther play cops and uses the dreaded TICKLE TASER FINGERS OF DEATH on Brad. I know there was a clip of this scene; but I have no clue which episode it belongs to. So onward with Phineas & Ferb and...So...

Thumbs in the middle pointing up for Poll Position and thumbs down for Petrified! and I'll see you next time.

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