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Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil

Meathead Justice/Bwar-Mart Rant

Reviewed: 09/04/2017

The Payoff To Gunner & Murphy~!

Next up for bids in the end of the vainglorious bastard: After Kick saves the DiPazzi Twins’ lives, they become indebted to him by their code of ethics. When they don't leave his side, he must go to extreme measures to get them out of his life, but the question here is who is in the most need of goons like the DiPazzi twins? Then from there, Kick and Gunther break Magnus’ meat slicer the day before the annual BattleSnax Salted Meats Festival, so they brave an epic Viking department store, Bwar-Mart, to find a replacement. When they are trapped in the store after hours, they must find a way to escape before the wacky store manager: Lars makes them employees for life. You would think by now that they would stay far away from Magnus' residence when they play; but they don't. Ho hum. So let's continue on shall we...?

Meathead Justice is written by Derek Dressler and Mark Yank with storyboards done by Carl Faruolo. The direction is done by Chris Savino and Clay Morrow. Bwar-Mart is written by Mark Yank, with storyboards done by Mark Ackland and Riccardo Durante while direction was done by Chris Savino and Clay Morrow. Episodes are done with Toon Boom like all episodes of this show.

Opening Moment #1: Title card looks like something out of Axl Rose and biker gangs. Awesome!

Meathead Justice: We begin this one with Gordon Gibble putting on 1980's exercise gear and blowing talcum powder for fun. He is feeling the burn-izzle and then in comes Murphy Michael and Gunner Anthony (the DiPazzi Twins everyone) to squash Gordon flatter than my sex life. The twins hate each other and get into a slapping match ala Dexter and Mandrak, only it appears that they are trying to punch each other with open hands. Apparently; it's bad form to eat chocolate by yourself with these two. Twins are pushed aside as they run into the two man sauna and close the door; and generally be annoying. Geez; what manchildren these two twins are? Then again; they are meatheads, so I'm not surprised. Gordon tries to lift arm bells and is struggling mightly. Still has better muscle than Brad, though. We then head outside as they are in the Tough Guy Gym. What an oxymoron that was?! We pan left to a construction site and the jump cut to the top of the hill where Gunther is pushing Kick on a blue sled. They are going to use the scooper to rebound off of it as part of the stunt. I betcha that Kick is the cause of all this; but he unintentionally ends up saving the DiPazzi Twins anyway. Listen writers; having Kick save the DiPazzi Twins unintentionally does not make him a hero when he is the cause of all this. It just makes him into a stupid disgusting turd who got lucky. If he didn't cause all this and unintentionally saved the twins; then he's a stupid idiot who got lucky; but he's blameless in the cause. So; yes there is a stunt in progress with construction site stuff as Kick gets pushed. Jump cut back to Gordon struggling to lift weights and gets one lift and then sways. He throws the thing down and lands on his back in front of a shelf filled with what I believe is giant jars of protein powder. Then the shelf falls by itself and smashes Gordon and breaks in two. One of the jars splashes the twins in the sauna and it's green glue that glues the door shut. Gordie somehow is not dead from this and whining and complaining as the twin plead for help and Gordie blows them off because he paid them to help him, not the other way around. The twin feel abandoned and shrinking to death it seems.

So one of the giant jars of green slime bounces out of the gym and rolls in front of Kick as Kick bonks into it causing an explosion. So yes; it's Cheetah Chug. Kick has blackface on full blast as he missiles into the gym, bonks into the side of the sauna, (says "biscuits") and the thing opens and the twins are let out. The twin bounce like flopping fish; because they are morons. They thank Kick for saving them; Kick don't care and tries to bail; but gets cut off. The guise of this is -- as I mentioned before -- is that Kick unintentionally saved the twins and thus they are in his debit to him. To be fair to the writers here: Gordon was the cause of all this, and even though Kick's saving was totally unintentional and lucky; Kick is a lucky hero. Which is a vast improvement over what I thought they would do here, so that's a win. See; they have a code entitled "Meathead Justice"; which I laugh at the idea that these morons even have the scruples to have a code. They butt helmets with Kick; one of them hugs Kick. Kick no sells the deal and wants to give them back to Gordon and Gordon loves Kit for doing that. Gordon demands that they come over and wash his hair; but the twin officially turn on him because Gordon abandoned them in their time of need. Gordon is shocked and appalled. Wow; the DiPazzi Twins actually have some sense in this whole thing. I think I need to lie down now, the vapors are getting to me. Although; I'm certain the twins will be back with Gordon by the time this episode is over. Gordon is screaming as the twins leave with Kick, as there are hundreds like them to replace them. Twins don't care; but Kick somehow does. Gordon screams at them some more as the twins proclaim that it's time to HIT THE MONTAGE~! Which causes Kick to scream. HAHA! Sadly; it's not because they are having a montage per se; it's because it's a makeover montage! That's deadly to a daredevil. So basically; the makeover involves turning Kick Buttowski into mini Gordon Gibble. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sadly; no amount of makeovers are going to change the fact that Kick's emoting sucks.

Kick's stressed out as the twin do the worst clapping I have ever seen outside of Chargeman Ken. Somehow; we discover that Gunther is sitting on a hairdryer chair in curlers wearing a black dress. So wait; why didn't he enter the gym? Furthermore; Gunther just abandoned Kick at his time in need after he pushed Kick off the mountain. None of this makes any sense. If Jackie was there; this makes sense. Yes; they did this in order for Gunther to run out of the salon sobbing his eyes out. As in; to do an unfunny joke. Again; if Jackie did this, this would make sense and be funny. Kick sulks in defeat as we head to Kick's residence AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Kick is calling Gunther on his Paul E. Dangerously cellphone of doom as he's literally the cream filling in the middle of a Gunner and Murphy sandwich. Somehow; I'm enjoying this angle. Also; why is Kick calling Gunther? The guy who just turned on him in the salon? Damn; this episode could be better. Kick orders some privacy, and thankfully the twins obey and jump out of the window onto the front lawn. Gunther looks like a punk rocker as he's on the phone by the way. Basically; Kick wants to get rid of them because the twins are unbearable. It seems that Kick is saying this out loud in hopes that the twins will turn on him and leave; but the twins are no selling everything. So yes; they are morons. Kick and Gunther exchange notes and Kick suggests that they have to save his life now. I don't think this is how Meathead Justice works, Kick. So we head back to Tough Guy Gym as we repeat the sequence of Kick on the sled with Gunther at the beginning of this episode. The twins are on ground level, looking like they are concussed and cheering. They need a doctor, STAT! Kick calls this exactly as planned. So Gunther shoves Kick and somehow teleports into the construction scooper and drives it in the path of the sled. Kick's selling of help sucks by the way and Gunther's is even worse. Somehow; even the twins are buying this and they try to bounce chests and become a superhero; but that is an epic fail. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow; I'm digging the twins now.

Maybe giving them a focus episode much earlier in the series would have been a huge help to their careers. Too bad, so sad for Gunther as they bounce Gunther out of the tractor and then they accuse each other of eating chocolate without them; and then smack each other around again. It looks like they are no selling tickling, now that I think about it. One of the twins' ass pushes the lever (JESUS~!) as the tractor heads down the abyss. Somehow; the twins are pulled out by Kick with no sequence to show how this happened; which is a telltale sign that they are doing too many stupid jokes in the episode. So Kick saves them again; and the Meathead Justice Code must continue! Kick is not happy; so we head to a Chinese restaurant with Kick, Gunner and Murphy eating. Kick then does the worst selling of a dumpling stuck in his windpipe. I'm sorry Kick; but you wouldn't be able to talk if that happened. The twins sells it; and then they choke in unison. HAHA! In your face, Kick Buttowski! Kick sulks in defeat as the twins do a much better job selling it, including spitting green liquid like blood. Kick drags the twins out of the restaurant as the twins thank him for saving them. HAHA! Head to the swimming pool area with the twins looking identical in every single way; right down to the purple trunks and dab of lotion on their noses. Kick is screaming for help in the water and at least his selling is believable here. The twins are arguing and then they stop and dive into the water. Kick gets splashed; and now they can't swim. This would have been more hilarious if they showed a shot underwater and they literally could've landed on their feet with their bodies still above water. Sadly; they don't show it and Kick drags them out of the water, and the code must continue. Jump cut back to Kick proclaiming that he hates them (just after the twins are claiming that Kick really likes them. HAHA!) as Gunther then points out that they would be out of Kick's hair if someone else had saved them. Which everryone should have noticed before the code officially started, I might add. Kick calls Gunther a genius (Riiiiigggghhhhttt) and he knows just the sap to do it.

Now; the logical sap in this deal would be Jackie The Stalker Wackerman (who is supposed to be in this episode at some point), because she has no foresight, and having the twins as Jackie's goons gets her out of Kick's hair forever. Sadly; this end the Kick/Jackie relationship outright and that will make me sad. However; since the show is ending soon, it really doesn't matter. Furthermore; it's not like they broke our hearts in modern DTVA land. Remember Fish Hooks where Bea killed the Oscar/Angela relationship just because they already penciled in Bea/Oscar for the ending anyway? Yeah; whatever. Sadly; this show is not logical and Kick is calling for Gordon Gibble; the asshole who couldn't save his hair, if his life depended on it, who hates Kick Buttowski's guts and he is the one who is the sap here. Kick calls for Gordie and finds him in the fetal position behind a dumpster. Yes; not in the dumpster where it would have made more sense, because BS&P RULEZ~! Of course; he's not covered in flith literally; so Kick's promo sounds like he's being symbolic here. So basically; Gordon is acting like a jackass; but relucently accepts the deal; they tease shaking hands and then pull back because it's a one time only deal. The Krackpotkin plan is: Go back to Tough Guy Gym, lure the twins into the sauna, glue it up and then have Gordon push the button on the side of the sauna and the twins will be back with Gordie. Oh goodie; that means I don't have to do running commentary on it because it's almost exactly the same thing that happened at the beginning of the episode! I should know that they are in Gordon Gibble's house and the alleyway was build inside his house. HAHA! So we head back to the TGG as the twins are doing the stiffiest situps in humankind as Kick pushes them into the sauna, and the twins are fine with it. So Kick throws a bottle of green slime into the sauna and mucks it up and then tips the wooden shelf and Kick gets "trapped". I should note that BS&P's fingers are in the pie here. Why didn't they just have Kick slimed with the goo as well? Remember the stip is that the twins must be saved; not the other way around. So this makes no sense.

Gordan is near the sauna and he no sells the button push because there is goo on the button and he isn't touching it. Guess what happens next? Kick runs in; blows off Gordan and boots the sauna out of the gym as the twins are screaming. Yes; somehow the sauna gains wheels and this was intentional because even Kick has noticed this. Everyone is acting like a meathead in this episode; including the one writing this rant! So Kick proclaims that they must save them together, but Gordan no sells, so Kick grabs him and we chase sauna on wheels with sled on rails. Pfft; whatever. Gordie is sitting right on Kick's helmet and keep in mind, Gordie might be thinner than Kick; but it isn't by much. So they reach the sauna and Kick yells at Gordie to push the button. Gordie no sells; but oversells the emoting and screaming. Geez Kick; you are worse than Eric Young when he was in World Elite in TNA. So they head for a lift bridge as it lifts up to let a boat pass. I do believe a barrier was destroyed in the confusion. Kick then spears Gordie into the button; and since the twins saw Kick do it; I betcha the code of MHJ will continue on Kick. The twins are out of the sauna and somehow stay in the middle with Kick and Gordie instead of being pushed to the side. Don't care. They are over the river as there are more alligators chomping at the bit for some meatheads and there are four of them in plain sight. The humans get WARNERED~ and somehow land on the shore as the Twins are in front of Gordie...and they actually bought Gordie being the savior, despite clearly seeing Kick spearing him. Not that it matters anymore; but whatever! So yes; the twins agree to rejoin Gordie, the twins tease pounding Kick into silly putty; but Gordie tells them to refrain until tomorrow and all three of them leave as Gordie thanks Kick for it. Gordie and the meatheads walk towards the setting sun as Kick is relieved. And you'll never guess the ending to this: We see Jackie come out of nowhere waving to a truck heading straight for her. Kick screams and rushes in and saves Jackie! Yay! The relationship must continue and I'm happy that it does. Jackie invokes Whacky Justice and proclaims that he's hers forever because it has no logic whatsoever, ending with her purring like a kitten. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Perfect! End episode at 10:20 approx. I love that ending by the way; and the twins were really awesome and funny in this one. **** (80%).

Opening Moment #2: Title card features Gunther and Kick in shadow with a shopping cart wearing viking helmets and welding swords. And I see more random yellow and white letters. Is this the new random capitalization or something?

Bwar-Mart: We begin this one at the BattleSnax outside as we hear Kick and Gunther talking and then suddenly, an explosion happens and we head inside the kitchen as there is a mess afoot. Magnus storms in pissed as Gunther is wearing a barrel and covered with soot. Apparently; the explosion causes two axes to stick to the wall. Why? Why not?! Gunther calls this a food accident as Magnus don't care as long as his meat slicer is okay. We cut to the meat slicer on the counter and it breaks into pieces. Magnus panics because you see, the BattleSnax Meat Festival is tomorrow. I just love how he calls a generic meat slicer a viking meat slicer. You cannot convince me that, Magnus. Uh-uh! Gunther talks about being a deli meat event as Kick logically asks about buying a new one. Magnus goes into melodramatics as the sharpest one can only be bought at the Bwar-Mart. Oh; and during this, Gunther is blowing the Viking horn, so yeah. So; the story is that this store drives men mad with it's siren song and tangy dipping sauces. Gunther claims that their meatballs are too powerful. Kick claims that Magnus wrestled ten oxen and lived to tell the tale; so it cannot be that bad. Even Kick is not buying this crap. Ponder that for a moment and sulk. Basically; Magnus cannot resist the meatball and is cancelling the Salted Meats Festival. Kick proposes that he go with Gunther and Gunther agrees with him, cutting a firey promo that I cannot buy for one second. Gunther eats susuage as Magnus screams and shakes Gunther warning him not to eat the meatballs, nor the dipping sauce. Okay; I made that one up; but it's true. Jump cut to a shot of the Bwar-Mart; which looks like an old country superstore from the 1930's. It's on an island which has thunderstorms as a viking ship arrives with Kick and Gunther in the crow's nest. Don't ask; I just knew it would be extremely absurd. Oh; they are welcomed by a viking near a banner, and then Gunther notices that there are a lot of stairs. Kick wants him to do it for salty meats. So we have jump cut of them climbing up the stairs; ala Kit and Baloo from Time Waits For No Bear, only it's exposed so we can see them climbing. Horn music ensues; don't care.

Kick is no selling it, don't care. Gunther is crawling and selling it, good for him. So they climb to the top and Kick is sweating and Gunther is tired proclaiming that they made it. Pan over to a large rock as the door opens and adult vikings walk out from a concealed elevator. HAHA! Kick swear in dubbed anime style; not my problem. So we head inside the Bwar-Mart and it's like a one stop shopping area for viking motif stuff. Did I mention that they sell legit viking ships. Hmmmm; I need to make a mental note of that; it could play into the finish here. One of the viking gets careless and bumps into the ship; it fires a cannon and blows a hole in the wall; causing the viking to bail stage right, doing his version of whistling past the graveyard. In comes a full on grey bearded man with a viking helmet and wearing an orange vest holding out his hand talking about the viking ships, and explaining how they keep them at rock bottom prices. His names is Lars and he shakes both hands ala Baloo from Feminine Air; and Kick and Gunther poorly sell it. Lars brings out a tray of meatballs and Kick teases taking one, but Gunther grabs him, gets in his face and screams. Lars claims that these meatballs are harmless and then they admit that one couldn't hurt. However; they take four halves and they won't connect. So Lar introduces us to the a steal rod bent at 90 degrees left and right and connected with two nuts on the ends with sharp points at said ends. It's called a Snurfinguzzin. Which has a jackhammered background and female voice doing a jingle. Pfft; whatever. Apparently; it's edible as nothing in the store can be assembled without it. I don't know why; since you could eat the meatballs as halves as if it makes a difference. Lars tells them that there is an all you can eat buffet of them if they want some more as shown and there are a lot of meatballs shown on that island counter. Mounds and mounds of meatballs with tangy dipping sauce. And it's all for free, I think. Gunther and Kick act like they are resisting; but they walk towards the island anyway and Lars is acting like an evil heel for some reason.

Then we HIT THE MONTAGE of eating meatballs! This was before Teen Titans Go did this dozens of times and it stopped being funny, even to those who thought this was funny. Pac-Man spot ensues as the tangy sauce is made of grapes. I'm skipping most of this drug induced sequence as Gunther and Kick are on the floor, a complete mess and their stomaches are growling. Gunther calls this great as Kick wants to get the meat slicer; but then we hear from the viking PA that it's seven o'clock pm and the store is closed as the doors and windows are barred and barricaded. This sounds like overkill to me since it's on an island where the only way off the island is the viking ship. Kick don't care because he's going to find that meat slicer and get out; but they get cut off by Lars. Lars then proclaims that by Bwar-Mart law (which somehow means that Mellowbrook runs under Corporate Sovereignty law now) claims that anyone in the store after it closes after 7 pm is now property of the store and therefore, Kick and Gunther are now employees for life! Yes; Kick and Gunther are corporate property of this store. Human rights and informed consent be damned! Kick stands up for said stuff in the previous sentence; so Lars brings out the meatballs; and the kids tease, but Kick and Gunther blow him off as a trap. Lars brings out the name tags; so yes, this store does have security cameras and used them to make the photos for name tags. Kick and Gunther scatter; so Lars unleashes his employees which are in a prison cell out of nowhere. Geez; is the Bwar-Mart a private prison that I wasn't aware of? By the way; I should note this now: Lars brings out the tray of meatballs from his beard all the time. And somehow; no hairs get stuck in it. So the prisoners...ERRR...I mean, employees takes the meatballs and chase after the kids as we turn into a spotfest again. Bounce off hammocks! Swing on ceiling lamps that are so poorly wired that they get electrocuded! So the employee run past Kick and Gunther hiding on top of a pipe; giving the art doods a chance to show that Gunther has a serious case of plumber ass. By the way; Lars is voiced by the same guy who voiced Rock Callahan.

They dive into the pipe and look through the vent. Gunther is upside down on his head as I discover that the dipping sauce is made of lingenberries. Uh-oh! Now, if you recall in many of the episodes including these berries, you can pretty much guess where this is going. Yip; Gunther farts and we get an explosion which blows the pipe clean off and exposes them to the heels. Pipe lands on floor as Lars laughs and proclaims that no one leaves the Bwar Mart. Assemble weapons sequence which includes plates, #1 Dad mugs, lamps (with shade; which is the only one that makes sense since it has a jackhammered background), wall clocks, and the kitchen sink. Kick jumps up on the pipe and cuts a lousy freedom from Lars promo because he's a red-blooded American. Oh why not; he's no longer the worst character in America anymore. That's Donald Trump's gimmick now. The employees are shocked; but the sniff of meatballs from Lars ends that false hope. When having an endless supply of meatballs is better than freedom; you are hosed as a nation. I'm surprised Donald Trump hasn't stooped to that low yet. Chase is on yet again as Kick's face sucks during the running. THE MEATBALL RAGE IS ABSOLUTE~! Then we get a stupid sequence of jackhammered backgrounds, throwing objects and the kids smashing them with axes and the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT~! Someone throws a pillow at Kick; and Gunther does the slow motion cock block and takes it off his belly like a man. I am not convinced that it was a bag of flour; because (a) no flour spilled out and (b) squeak sound was involved during the bump. All done so Gunther can land on his head upside down. I was expecting Gunther to be out of commission; but Kick drags him on top of a giant ass wooden crate as the heels and Lars surround them. Lars laughs at them because it's over. Kick no sells because they have the higher ground...and then they break through the wooden crate into the crate. Is anything in this show up to code? Oh wait; Kick had an axe, never mind.

Lars laughs and proclaims that since the employees rebelled; they will start working on cleaning the bathrooms; which causes even the employees to be repulsed by it. Then we hear tinkering noises inside the wooden crate. The wooden crate breaks and we have a viking ship against a jackhammered background. See; I told you this would get involved in the finish! Lars is shocked and appalled by this as Kick explains that it was due to the Snurfinguzzin which we repeat the jungle with jackhammered background. Pfft; whatever, saw that coming a mile away. So Kick uses three axes out of nowhere proclaiming that they are washed up as he throws them into the conveniently placed water pipes and they slice open to flood the store. Oh sure, why not? I realize that this is destroying people's properties with impunity; but the store is enslaving kids who cannot give consent with impunity. So screw this store and it's employees! So here's the finish everyone: Kick grabs the meat slicer (and yes; I'm doing this not in sequence), tells the viking to join them in freedom, vikings aren't sure because MEATBALLS~, Gunther invites them to the festival, Lars gets chased out of his store, the vikings get on the ship, they break through the walls and ride down the steps in a flood, Kick talks about credit. Jump cut to the Battlesnax as the non-employed vikings are outside the store chanting for meat as Magnus comes out as it's morning and is forced to cancel the thing due to lack of meat to celebrate and no meat slicer. In comes Kick and a flood of water on the viking ship as Magnus's chest somehow stops the viking ship just like that. That was funny actually. Pan up to the crow's nest as Kick and Gunther bring out the meat slicer and the day is saved thanks to Kick Buttowski and his destruction of the Bwar-Mart; which for once was justified. Suck my dick corporate sovereignty! So here's the ending (the first half of it): Kick reads the instructions and discovers that assembly is required. So yes; they are right back where we started. Worse; this is an idiot plot now because all they had to do was take the Snurfinguzzin home and reassemble the original meat slicer and none would be the wiser. Oh; and Kick lost the damn thing; so we have to return via the viking ship to the Bwar-Mart to get it back and fade to black. We return with more drug induced meatball eating sequences to end the episode at 10:20 approx. This was a fun episode until the ending. *** 1/4 (65%).


Now; this was a surprisely good pair of shorts this time around. Bwar-Mart was one of the few times that I was actually rooting for Kick to destroy something because of the whole enslave the employees due to corporate sovereignty rules the mart was using. It was mostly a cute and fun ride, although I could have done without this stupid ending that turned it into an idiot plot. Now; Meathead Justice was very good in spite of some of the stupidity in this one. I loved the Jackie ending to this even though the finish made no sense. However; the best part was Gunner and Murphy DePazzi; who were awesome in this one. The meathead justice code was funny and I loved how they screwed Kick over every step of the way. I also approve of the setup in that Kick wasn't at fault for it and it was all on Gordon being an idiot; which build sympathy for your top babyface. That's how you write a good show, so that was a win. Overall; a good pair of shorts and I approve of this. So...

Thumbs up for Meathead Justice and thumbs in the middle for Bwar-Mart and I'll see you next time.

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