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Phineas & Ferb: Are You My Mummy?/Flop Starz
Reviewed: 01/21/2014
Mummy Asks Are You A Flop Star?
So now we continue on with episodes #3 (4b) and #13 (4a) on the animation paper as we see Phineas & Ferb decide to search for a mummy to fight after watching a mummy movie; while Doofensmirtz is channeling the cheesy villains of Captain Planet. Then we see Candace trying out for this show's version of American Idol while Phineas & Ferb find stardom elsewhere. Yeah; I thought this was the episode where Linda became a one hit wonder, but it's not. Sorry about that. As for Doofensmirtz; he's trying to plunder the Tri-State Area with a giant robot like Don Karnage did with a lightning gun on Cape Suzette. YAY! Let's rant on shall we...?!
Are You My Mummy is written by Dan Povenmire, Swampy Marsh, Martin Olson, Bobby Gaylor, Robert F. Hughes, Kyle Baker and Mike Roth. Kyle's resume is short: Cosmic Slop is his debut in 1994, then Museum Scream, Cock-A-Doodle-Duel, HypaSpace, My Generation G...G... Gap and Secret Origin: The Story of DC Comics. That's it. Flop Starz is written by Dan Povenmire, Jeff "Swampy" Marsh, Sherm Cohen and Antoine Gulibaud. Story editing for both episode are done by Martin Olson. Animation is done by Rough Draft and Wang Films.
Are You My Mummy?: We begin this one with a sky shot outside at the Pharoh Theater complete with pyramids, model spinix and a giant building in the background. I can barely see Candace and Ferb in the lineup coming into the Spinix as Lawerence is explaining to us that the theater was built over 70 years ago (which puts it around 1937) and there are rumors that a real mummy is in the theatre somewhere in it's own tomb. Lawerence proclaims that you cannot pick a better place to watch a mummy movie. I beg to differ Lawerence; my home is like a pyramid to me. So we see Lawerence giving his tickets to the ticket vendor who is wearing ancient Egyptian gear because it's traditional for the theme see. One of the posters shows a skull in front of fire and it's called the Bones of Doom. I'm shocked that there is no Z-grade movie called that in real life. Weird. So Candace is not thrilled as we head inside and watch a B&W screen with an explorer dude with a mustache and the Guy Ladouce outfit, a backpack and a torch inside the pyramid reading an inscription that appears to be an incantation of sorts. He also has an assistant who is thinner with a smaller mustache as we discover that it sezs "Oh, wah ta goo siam." which means "Oh; what a goose I am." in gibberish. Would have been funnier if it was a duck reference since Scrooge did visit pyramids in Ducktales. Then we cut to a mummy waking up from the propped up casket with horror music as we cut back to the purple seats inside the theatre as Phineas asks Lawerence about finding mummies; and Lawerence proclaims that they are hidden deep inside the pyramids. Lawerence's cell phone rings and so he switches it to vibrate. Oh; I see now. Good to know. So now the thin explorer is standing inside the propped casket looking like he's dead as the mummy is stalking behind the fat explorer as he explains that the mummy will come to life and obey your commands due to this incantation. Wait; so how did the thin explorer get into the casket? That makes no sense.
So this explorer is so freakin stupid that he proclaims that someone beat him with a rubber chicken; which is exactly what the mummy does; but we never see the hit make contact because we cut back to the kids. Damn; it's just a rubber chicken BS&P? What damage can be caused by that? Other than hurting someone's feelings? Off-screen beatdown of explorer with rubber chicken ensues which would have been extremely funny had I seen at least half of the shots in the first place; let alone them making contact. Funny how BS&P clamped down on violence in this show; but in season three of Fish Hooks; Oscar was punched in the face 10 times ON-SCREEN. So Phineas asks about getting into a pyramid and Lawerence points out that it's hard because of all the booby traps. So we see on-screen the mummy being somehow dumber than Baloo in Polly Wants A Treasure as it tripped the trap and the place fills up with sand. Both the explorer and the mummy flee and the place blows up. Oh; and we don't see the thin explorer, making someone actually died for real in this show. Okay; I know it's a movie and he's probably fine, but still, he's dead in the movie's storyline. So Phineas wants a mummy and we HIT THE TEDDY RUXPIN SONG OF DOOM MONTAGE~! They are doing fun spots together with the mummy, DUH! Drinking soda, looking at the sky, the mummy is knitting while Ferb is reading a book on how to stop knitting. That made me laugh. I should point out that they dive into a pool wearing their regular clothes which is odd. Buford threatens to poke Phineas in the eye; but the mummy comes and Buford runs stage left like a scalded dog. Phineas blows his nose with one of his bandages. Okay. We head to school as the mummy is now an MC and turning turn tables. They we do the soft shoe spot from Time Teasers; but no one throws a shoe into the mummy's kisser, so the spot isn't catching. We end the song with more spots and then Phineas thinks this is awesome and asks Lawerence about having a mummy; but he is snoring right in the middle of the Z-grade film. HAHA! See; make the joke and then pay it off.
So Phineas and Ferb basically get out of their seats and walk away stage right as Candace proclaims that the bozos aren't pulling anything on her watch because she HAS to bust the boys somehow. So Phineas & Ferb walk out of the threater and the double doors flip open and nail a giant bubble gum machine. Okay; I'm guessing that the spot is suppose to be that the gum machine falls onto the floor and blocks the door. However; it doesn't fall and Candace gets her head stuck in the doors which is just impossible. That makes no sense and it makes Candace look like a grade Z idiot. So Phineas asks where Perry is and we see Perry heading into a Big Ape display (in an Egyptian themed theatre mind you) and opens some panel in it's giant mid-section. He hops in and slides down a slide in a white rocket car (the same one he uses in the last three or four episodes of this series). It has a monitor as we see Major Monogram greeting Agent P as he proclaims that Doofensmirtz is at it again as he has brought some odd items. Okay; Monogram claims that he brought one pound of blood sausage..and then catches himself because it's his grocery list. Suuuuurrrrrreeeee it was Major! See what I did there? The real list is one giant magnet, one map of the city's draining system, and two tons of scrap metal. Oh; did I mention Perry has a white iPad like tablet? So it's all in Perry's hands and we fizzled out as Perry jumps off the rocket car and into the sphere shaped white submarine. So Perry pushes buttons and we DIVE! DIVE! AROOOGA! AROOOOOGGGG-----CRASH~! Yes folks; the submarine is diving in six inches of water and scrapping the surface of the sewer as the submarine advances. What an idiot this Perry is?! So we head back in the lobby (I think) as I see a poster called The Mummy with Two Tombs. We see a teenager wearing a pharoh's helmet, bronze wrist bands, orange cloth shorts and brown moccasins. He apparently has white tape on the left side of his upper chest. Why? I don't know.
So Phineas asks Mr. Employee (seriously he said this) where the mummy exhibit is and the employee pushes the conveniently placed button below the intercom on the wall and out comes a fatter guy in the same outfit. I just realized that they are the same guys who were the explorers in the movie minus the mustaches. I was thinking that he was calling to throw the boys out; but we discover that this employee teenager is a total idiot because he asks about this and the manager tells him is that it's in storage and in the basement. Phineas and Ferb walk away stage right towards the basement as we see a female blond haired girl with glasses who is dressed in the same colors as Shellsea while wearing one cyan colored wrist band on her right wrist. She wants the restrooms and of course the teenager calls for assistance because he's stupid. So we see Candace hiding behind a bunch of ferns which I'm certain Stephen Colbert will murder in a moment's notice and Phineas & Ferb completely ignore her despite being in clear sight to see her. They go into the stairwell; and find a box filled with pith hats. They put on said hats claiming that they must be on the right track and they walk deeper into the stairwell as Phineas wants Ferb to say something pithy. So we cut back to Candace proclaiming that they are so busted and he's calling Lawerence. So she gets her cellphone and calls Lawerence as the vibrator is on and it tickles Lawerence; but he's a deep sleeper. So Candace forgets it and goes in herself. Speaking of stupidity spots; here's the next sequence and once you read what I write here; you'll understand why this is so contrived: Candace runs. Candace somehow bumps into the roped barriers. They fall onto the ground and crash into the gumball machine. Candace runs into the stairwell and crashes into the mop bucket device and falls down the stairs. And she crashes on the bottom of the stairs with her shoes all wet; which she calls squishy. If they wanted to do the bump machine spot; why not just have her crash into the gumball machine and then fall down the stairs? Because Candace would have to be completely blind and dumb to crash into the barriers beforehand.
There was one neat spot in that in between the bumping by Candace; there is a door in the middle of the stairs leading to a room. Phineas and Ferb open the door after Candace is falling down the stairs and asking if that was the mummy. So then the gumball machine starts rolling in past the teenager employee and he doesn't call for assistance in a surprise of surprises. Gumball sphere rolls down the stairs. Phineas & Ferb notice it bouncing towards them. They run like an Indiana Jones movie. Ferb gets on Phineas' shoulders and does the trapzee spots with a pipe; and then they land on top of the sphere and roll with it. Phineas loves this search and then they do spots that would have made them fall of the sphere in any other universe; and then they smack into the wall with some sick MAN-SIZED bumps. Wow; BS&P threw a bone on that one since they took it right in the face on-screen. The boys drop on their asses and slap skin because they lived through a booby trap. So they notice the storage room is right in front of them and we cut back to Candace proclaiming that when she finds them, they are so busted. Man; Candace sure has a one tracked mind. You would think that she is Wilie Coyote with a sex change or something. So then we see the gumball sphere coming after her and she runs. She tries the trapeze spot but the pipe breaks which do not amuse Candace at all. HA! So she tries it again and flips forward into the ventiliation system and takes bumps like mad. Candace drops and she looks roughed up as she yells at this gumball sphere to give her a break. That is not a good idea Candace. So we run around the corner and apparently; Candace is running too far to the right; because the gumball sphere passes her unharmed. Yeah. So Candace walks stage left as the gumball sphere bounces up the stairs and runs into the elevator buttons (going up) and then as the elevator door opens; it bounces off the railing and into the elevator.
Speaking of logic breaks; we see Candace pushing the button on the elevator door about 100 feet to the left of the right elevator (yeah there are two elevators; that's not the logic break). She walks in and the elevator closes. As we are inside the elevator and playing one of Linda's favorite tunes (which is elevator level music), we see the gumball sphere is right behind Candace and she doesn't notice. Wait; WHAT?! They were on the same floor for goodness sakes! So finally; Candace takes a glance and as the elevator door opens; she screams and runs out. So Candace goes down the stairs as there are two doors labeled "Storag". Yeah; no "e" in that. Like the mistake of "Telephon" in Plunder and Lightning Part 4. Candace tries to open both doors; but they are locked. Now I thought that Candace was trapped after the second door; but no. She runs to the right of the staircase and the sphere follows her as we get some video game shot moments. Candace, I think crashes into the gumball sphere off-screen because I see gumballs rolling on the floor during the shot of the end of the hallway where there is a door; and then Candace trips on the gumballs and crashes through the door into the supplies room. She chews some gumballs and calls them all stale. She somehow is unable to speak anymore because this is super sticky gum; and she crashes into the shelves and knocks down rolls and rolls of toilet paper onto her. She struggles to get up and looks like a stiff mummy as she struggles to walk out of the supply room. So we get a shot of a bunch of beaver making a dam across a river path which is creating a medium sized lake. We zoom out to see Doofensmirtz with a large magnet attached to some oversized purple beam device which is proped by by steel frames. We see Doof painting the side of it with red paint while on a frame like platform. So we cut to Perry surfacing from the submarine as Doof is painting letters on the side of the thing and has one more to go. So then Perry comes in and kicks the paint brush out of Doof's hand and falls to the steel platform floor. Doofen proclaims that this is incredible timing on his part; which is credible. I think Doofen is confused as I am of this.
So he just brings out the toy laser gun of doom and zaps Perry into a yellow sphere. Perry struggle to break free; but no go as Doofen points out that this thing cannot be broken because it's made of pure EVIL~! So it's made from the meat of Randy Pincherson? I hope so; but I doubt it. And he proves me right by pointing out that it's the polymers. Damn; this is only going to encourage the chemical haters even more now. So we get the "evil" plan of doom which involves pumping water from the river into the ocean to raise the sea level by 2%; so that his "beach" property one block down will become a beach resort as he rips off his suit to reveal his beanpole body and purple swim floats on his shoulders. Okay; that made me laugh. Oh; and the Woodinator (neat booking name there for once) is a device that attracts wood like metal attracts a real magnet. Geez; this is so unpossible that it might just work. So he grabs his paintbrush and mocks Perry by taunting him and painting glasses and a mustache on the yellow bubble. He waves goodbye and pushes the bubble into the lake and it floats away stage left; which looks so choppy that it appears gravity has taken a vacation. Yeap; this is the human version of Darkwing Duck now. So we head back to the basement as Phineas & Ferb have found the real storage room. I know this because it's actually spelled right on the door. HAHA! See; make the joke and then pay it off. So they open the door and walk into the storage room as we see a clearly fake mummy wrap in the propped up casket. Phineas tries the chant of what a goose he is; but it's no sold. So Phineas grabs the thing by the ankles and bashes it like the rubber chicken on screen; and it deflates because this mummy is inflatable; just like Candace's boyfriend. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmmmm....Phineas is so disappointed as he walks over to the door (what is this with the one emotion crap again?) and opens it to reveal Candace in her best mummy impression ever; which is a million times better than anything Bea in Fish Hooks has done. Phineas blows her off; and then turns around and panics (word about the one emotion crap again?).
So they slam the door; but it is re-opened as Candace yells for Phineas like an undead zombie and the boys bail into the mouth of a fake display for the Jaws knockoff of this world. It gets knocked off (see what I did there?) and they bail stage left by doing this spot where they body scissor each other and run on their hands. Great spot! Candace hurtles over the boy and splats right into the Bus! The Movie poster (a play on Speed) which the shot makes it appear that it's real instead of a poster (closeup and then zoom out shot). So we get the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE MUMMY EDITION to waste some more time. They hide under a display for Safari Man 2 In 3D and the explorer here looks completely different. Damn; I was hoping that it was the fat explorer from the mummy movie they watched; just to complete the Z-grade circle of life. Phineas calls the mummy scary and having an angry, twisted soul inside those bandages. Candace runs stage left yelling for Phineas and Phineas decides that he's not leaving without a mummy; so he brings out the flashlight and wants to get that mummy. Yeah; the babyface is now chasing the heel and Ferb has the butterfly net. So we do some assorted spots on the old Scooby Doo spot where they run off-screen, then return doing a different spot toward the right off-screen; then do a different spot to the left. Rinse, lather, repeat. Same thing as Ducks By Nature. At least the space alien is only a prop instead of a character this time as it's one of the displays called S/A III which shows a Mega Man knockoff (which looks like something out of the USA Mega Man 1 box art) and an alien which looks like a Saiyamen alien from Dragon Ball Z. There is Monkey Men 2, Space Adventure 6 and others. There are two funny spots here: Candace being a horse and then Candace walking on her hands while doing the splits and the boys on top of her. It ends with Candace on top of Phineas and Ferb's head (each foot on one of the heads mind you) and they go to the center. The boys check around and then run away in opposite direction allowing Candace to take another MAN-SIZED bump doing the splits. Umm, OW!
Then Candace gets up slowly and then Phineas and Ferb run in with two sides of the casket and they entomb Candace in it with ease. Phineas is so happy because he caught a mummy as a pet. Wow; that is kind of creepy as they wonder how they are going to get it home now. So we head back to the lake as Doofen has finished painting the Woodenator this time and he pushes the out of nowhere green start button and the wood dam is pulled into the magnet. The beavers all bail stage left and manage to find Perry; and sadly, the mock face Doofen painted on is gone. I know this is going to cost you money Disney; for goodness sakes, HIRE A CONTINUITY COORDINATOR! So Perry and the beavers chirp at each other as there is a conveniently placed log. Beaver buzzsaws through to create a toothpick. Then he throws it away and uses his teeth to successfully pop the yellow balloon. What exactly was the point of that? They slaps beaver tails together as the short jingle plays and Perry runs stage right. So we see Doofen's machine is seemly attratching wood sticks; but for some reason is not getting anywhere since the structure isn't decreasing. I think this magnet is repelling and attratching if you know what I mean. Doof is cheering for victory and then we hear chirping and Perry is standing on the giant pipe as Doof cannot believe that he defeated the bubble of pure evil. No, not really. Both ways. Doof gets out the toy laser of doom and shoot; creating a yellow bubble in the drain pipe. Perry jumps and fights with Doof; managing to cause both of them to be encased in the yellow bubble. Now; I think the drain pipe bursted due to too much pressure because the water manages to burst the wooden dam apart. Perry takes Doof's nose and pops the yellow balloon. Both fall on their asses in the dried up river (which wasn't dried up when we saw it a few minutes ago) as Doof is complaining about his pointy nose and then we get the water wave spot as Perry races for his life and climbs into the big drain pipe. Doof screams loudly into the drain pipe and then we get a long pan shot of Danville and the surrounding areas as it ends right at the Pharoh's Theatre. Yeah.
So we head into the basement as Perry goes up a trapdoor and then runs off as the water wave engulfs him. We then cut to Phineas & Ferb with the casket as they proclaim that this is their second booby trap of the episode. They get engulfed by the water; but managed to get on with steel rowing sticks. Oh; and Perry is back to normal. So we see them doing the rapid water spot and then out of nowhere they do a snap shot photo of Phineas & Ferb rowing the casket; for no good reason or logic. Okay; here's how the episode finishs up: They crash into the elevator shaft with Phineas cheering in glee; then they crash through the top of the Spinix's head and do the water pillar spot as it does a water hose like move arc; and then they crash onto the sidewalk and everything is destroyed as Candace is free and normal again. I guess water does unstick bubble gum. Good to know. So Phineas waves hello to Candace as there is a clear mess on the sidewalk; as he wants to introduce the mummy. However; since the mummy was Candace originally, it disappeared and Phineas looks panicky (again; a word about that one emotion crap?) as Lawerence comes over and proclaims that mummy is home for supper. So they just go into Lawerence's car and Lawerence drives away without even noticing the mess. Okay; I admit that there are a lot of people who condemn this behavior, but then have no problem with it when it's done by many different characters throughout the years of cartooning. And I betcha most critics (who I'm sure are adults or at the least children in adult bodies) who criticize this ignore adult shows where this bad/criminal behavior is not only encouraged, it's considered "mature". So yeah; Lawerence is dense, get over it people! So we get a windshield shot of the kids in the back as Ferb proclaims that mummies get their brains sucked through the nose when preserved. Candace proclaims that they are the lucky ones as we go to the martial arts zoom in and that ends the episode at 10:40 approx. Fun while it lasted; but the ending was rushed to death and the sloppiness is clear in half of the scenes. *** 1/4 (65%).
Flop Starz: We begin this one on stage with a browned haired boy in an orange shirt, blue shorts and pink/white sneakers; with his hands clasped in front of a blue curtain. He sings better than Fanboy (slightly better) but gets MURDERED by the loaded punch glove and goes flying stage left. Then a blond haired man in a pink/purple suit with a blue tie (I love it when Disney allows male to wear pink stuff) proclaims that it sucked; but maybe someone out there can be the next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star! SAPTIS. And yes; it gets a big circular logo with stars, a star inbetween the O in pop and a star dotting the i in American and the exclaimation point getting a star dot. And Gedo fashion sense. Auditions are open at the Googolplex Mall in Danville. We zoom out as we head in the kitchen as the white television set is portable and on the counter. Linda is pouring coffee in the background while Phineas & Ferb are at the table eating POW cereal again. So Candace runs in looking gleeful as the announcer proclaims that the auditions start at 2 PM sharp. Candace takes the television and kisses it. She is going to tell Stacey; but she is so F'N stupid because she took the television with her without unplugging it. She whiplashes and gets knocked down barely 30 seconds into this. Way to go Candace, way to go. Phineas' analogy is so damn laughable as he proclaims that the pop star thing is nice; but then you get stuck in a dead end job; thus you cannot do it once and move on. Linda points out that this is actually a one hit wonder which Phineas asks what that is. Linda explains that it's a hit that goes to the top of the charts with a catchy tune and meaningless lyrics. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. I should point out that the storyline here is that Linda was a one hit wonder singer/songwriters.
So we HIT THE FLASHBACK as it reveal reveals that Linda Flynn was once known to the world as Lindana. Her song I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun! rose to the top of the charts - but she immediately threw a diva tantrum and her song soon became elevator music. She sang one reunion concert years later, and never sung again. Basically; she was a Z-grade Cyndi Lauper; only Cyndi broke the mold and returned. Lindana is a play on Mandona as Linda is sad; but then denies that this flashback ever happened in roundabout terms and leaves. I guess the elevator music scene was the last straw for her. Phineas has a big checklist written down as he proclaims that this is what they are doing today. The checklist is of course all of these thing Linda just mentioned earlier for a one hit wonder. This plotline is in fact reasonable because while it does aim lower than what most plots do in these situations; it is a reasonable goal, therefore it doesn't disappoint children nearly as much as aimming for the highest mountain or something along those lines. Ferb is on the table playing the electric guitar as we head outside the hallway at Candace's door filled with signs that she is vain and private. The lime green "keep out" sign was the first clue to this. So Candace is inside talking with Stacey again and then I find out that Stacey is lying in Candace's bed as she asks what is Candace is going to wear as Candace fiddles through her CD collection. Candace does bee impersonations which is a tell-tale sign that she has lost her creditibility. So we hit the montage of Candace modeling outfits. Candace has oversized pearl earrings and a dress which is too much for Stacey to handle. Second outfit is the same outfit from Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror which is too little; the next one makes her look like a demented Gretchen from Recess which is too clean, next one is a hippie outfit which is too dirty, then a rapper outfit that I cannot take seriously even if I tried, then she's basically Razor Von Doom's girlfriend in Fish Hooks if the girlfriend was human and had more sense which is too Goth.
And then she finds the outfit in her mother's closet which is the exact same outfit Linda wore in her one hit wonder single. The outfit is a light blue short coat (with two green marble buttons, one blue button and one red button), pink dress underneath, green skirt with a white belt (a golden trim white buckle labeled TOY which indicates that indeed, there is such a thing as a girltoy.), leggings, white platform boots and over the top purple socks. She is also wearing golden hoop earrings, Linda's hairstyle and a bow on the side of the hair that is way too big and is green with purple spots. Surprisely; this is too retro to Stacey; so we get various more outfit complete with reject buzzer for a bit and then Stacey finally decides that the right outfit for Candace is just being her normal self. Stacey proclaims that she should have tried it on first; which is basically telling the audience that they only did this sequence to kill time. Candace is ready to go as they walk in the hallway. We see in what appears to be Phineas's room as Phineas is lying down on the floor writing in a book with a pencil as apparently; he is looking for meaningless lyrics and using a rhyming dictionary which is banana yellow. Okay; that was cute as Ferb is at the computer and the first sound is a piano key. I think it's B flat; but I'm not going to find out because we have to know where Perry is. Phineas is happy about that and they'll be done by lunch. So speaking of Agent P; Perry puts on his hat and walks into the bathroom and closes the door. We hear the toilet flush off-screen and then see him swim through the sewer pipe. We cut to OWCA headquarters as Major Monogram is already on the screen calling for Agent P; and then we see Perry plop on his ass on the ground spraying water all over the floor. Monogram ignores it and we discover that Doofensmirtz is buying construction toys at an alarming rate and Perry has to find out what is going on and stop Doof. So Perry climbs on his white/green motorscooter as the platform rises to the ceiling and is a trapdoor onto the street. So Perry is driving his scooter...
...and then we come to that spot where you discover that Major Monogram is not the only moron in this show: Perry is driving the scooter and stops at a red light. As he does; we see Linda drive right beside him. Linda takes a look and then does the double take spot. As she is doing this; Perry puts on a Gruncho Marx disguise on. Linda sees it and ignores him and drives off when the light turns green. Yes; Linda saw Phineas' platypus driving a scooter and then gets fooled by a disguise that doesn't eliminate the bottom half of him. This is Horse Scents-level moronicness. And Perry get the manga background and the Perry jingle. So we head to the Googolplex Mall as Linda tells them that she'll meet them again in one hour. So we see Candace and Stacey walking and then Candace panics because there is a long lineup towards the stage inside the mall. Candace believes that this is the audience and she is getting stage fright. Stacey points out that the actual audience is behind them and this is where Toon Boom really does it's magic as there is hundreds of people animated fairly well for the background. Candace is breaking down and wants to bail; but Stacey cuts him off because she is not a quitter; she is a fighter. We do some Rocky spots which involve Candace punching Stacey's white purse with a pink heart and blue trim. That was cute. Candace goes nuts and almost ruins her hair in the process as that purse is so stiff even I think it suffered a concussion. Then Jermey shows up wearing an iPod with earphones as Candace makes an analogy about how gorillas behave if you steal their food and remodels her hair perfectly. So Candace asks Jeremy if he is entering; but he is listening to the band on stage. Wait; so there's a concert going on during this audition. We find out that Jermey downloaded a song from a band called the PFT and thinks the song is tight. This is tight in the same context to little kids as random and poo-poo; it's only used so kids can make adults look bad. Which is pointless because most adults can look and be bad on their own, thank you.
And if you cannot tell who PFT is; you have no business reading this rant. More evidence to the obvious: Apparently the 100th contestent is going to be allowed to sing with the new band ON-STAGE. So even if Candace doesn't make the grade, she still get the prize of singing with the band she isn't going to like. I know what you are going to say: But Gregory, she hasn't cross the gate yet. Well; Stacey crossed the barrier gate and it reads 99th contestent (so I'm assuming Stacey is entering the contest) on the sign above the barrier gate. Candace crosses it and it turns to 100 and the light bulbs are flashing and the bells are ringing. So the blond television announcer arrives giving Candace a white card with the number 100 in red letter as Jermey proclaims that she is the one who is singing with the PFT. Oh boy; we know where this is going now, don't we? So they drag Candace on stage as the entire fanbase of the PFT is in the crowd popping and waiting for Candace to screw up so they can boo her out of the building. The stage background is blue with a lot of stars and the PFT logo. So the blond announcer (I'm guessing he's voiced by Jeff Bennett) announces that Candace will be singing beside the band everyone has been waiting for as the initials are turned into the real band name which is Phineas & The Ferb-Tones. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh boy! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I saw that one coming a mile away! We get some mist and out comes Phineas & Ferb on guitar and piano keyboard in that order. Candace is shocked as Phineas calls this serendipitous (and yes that is actually a word) and sees this as a brother-sister type ordeal. Phineas hands her the music sheet with lyrics which he calls meaningless anyway. He also thinks Candace has heard the hit single and I'm amused by the fact that this single is a huge hit within a few hours which is even faster than the "success" of iCarly's 1st webshow. Yeah. I also discover that Phineas introduces the Ferbettes which are the Fireside Girls version of the Rockettes. Today's group consists of Isabella, Adyson, Milly and Gretchen; and no one playing drums in the background.
Okay; we start singing and we get the Private Tucker porno lyric within seconds (Bow Chicka-Bow-Wow in case you didn't notice) as the song is probably the most popular of the songs from this show which is Gootche-Gootche-Goo the full version. Okay; this is a great song in spite of the lyric which is clearly taking Candace aback here; I mean it makes the Jona Brothers look like the posers that they are. Damn; I'm starting to sound like a Jersey Shore kid. That's horrifying. Lots of hearts in the background and in the crowd as the crowd is loving this and then Phineas turns it over to Candace as she is under the spotlight and she looks at the crowd. Now; what happens next pretty much ruins the song for me: We get microphone sreeching sound effects (which is not what ruined it for me) and then Candace demands answers to this outrage asking how he got a single so fast as Phineas claims that it took six phone calls and most of the morning. Candace then blows off Phineas proclaiming that she is telling Linda and Phineas almost saves the whole thing by saying what for which the crowd goes silent and stunned in that order. Candace is pissed off and then storms off stage left. Now; I think this is ruined because if I was booking this: I would have Candace sing her cue; have the song finished off and then do the blowoff. By having her do the blow off now; it only telegraphs that her gimmick is overwhelming her character development (character: She's a good singer, gimmick: BUST THE BOYS~!) and it makes her look like an idiot and an asshole. Now of course she would be an asshole just the same; but at least she could sing, or at least have the chance to see her sing. Instead of just being a jerk; she's an idiotic jerk. So we resume the song without missing as much as a step and we finish the song without further incident. Great song, bad booking by the writers for Candace; most so since they had only one line left to sing.
So we see Candace running into a clothing store as Linda is looking for some jacket of some sorts. Candace runs in and tells her that she has to see this and then pushes Linda out of the store the exact same way she did in One Good Scare Ought To Do It. I agree with Linda; this is unbelievable...as in not believable. So we head backstage as Phineas is shaking hands with what appears to be the same guy we show in the commercial at the beginning of the episode; except he has grown his beard in and dyed his hair brown. He addresses himself as Ben Baxter from Huge O Records as I discover that this is turning into the Goof Troop episode Shake, Rattle & Goof now. So Ben gives Phineas a cheese colored and tells him to meet him at Huge O Records in one hour to discuss their futures. Ben walks off as Phineas thinks Ben is a psyhic. So we cut back to Candace pushing Linda to the stage and acting like a complete fool. So we see that there is a Phineas & Ferb like shadow in the background as Candace claims that they are backstage. Now the problem with this is; there is clearly bunny ears on the Phineas shadow. So it cannot be Phineas behind the curtain. And I was right as the curtain is open; the announcer proclaims that it's none other than...wait for it...Marty The Rabbit Boy (same voice actor as Perry by the way) and his magical blender. Yes; there is a furry bunny in a purple shirt with a blender on a podium. It's new Disney; don't ask. He does classical music with it which is funny as Linda drags Candace away because she is going to get her eyes checked. Candace protests this and then we get a repeat shot of Perry driving the scooter with the Marx disguise with manga background and jingle. What was the point of that? So we head to the most cardboardish building I have seen in this series complete with steel hook on the top and head into a room with lots of glass windows and purple brick walls as Doof is cackling with his blueprints on the table. He proclaims that everything is ready and then the doorbell rings and Doof is not amused by this.
So Doof answers the door and it's Perry still wearing the disguise as Doof thinks it's a new temp. So he lets Perry in despite the fact that Perry is still wearing the hat that in every episode is booked as the dead giveaway that it's Perry. So Doof goes over the evil plan as he has a purple command center with a large global map; which is pointless because Doof gets risen up on a platform and he brings out a big maginfying glass as he is going to cause unpresidented destruction and terror on the Tri-State area. At least the writers have the maginfying glass close enough to the area where Colorado, Nebraska and Kansas are, so props to them for figuring this out. And apparently; Perry will be no wiser as Perry blows his cover right away. Doof gasps in horror and then is confused about the temp thing asking if times are really that hard. So we head to outside the mall as Candace walks out with Illana style glasses as she blows off Linda for making her wear them. She takes them off and then notices a tour bus featuring Phineas & Ferb's mug on it with a white back and a blue side. There is also a poster on a tall skyscraper which also features Phineas & Ferb playing their band stuff. The bus drives away and Candace of course cannot catch up to it; but then walks away and notices the poster on the skyscraper which is enough for her to run in to get Linda. So we pan over from the skyscraper to the building as we try the jungle again; but Doof cuts it off before the Inc part as we see Doof proclaim that Perry is too late as he pulls the lever (JESUS!) and that creates a huge sky scraper monster of doom which terrorizes the denizens of Danville. So we head back to the store as Linda is looking in the mirror trying out a light blue coat. I should also note that there is a hat sale in the background which would have been fine if Linda was buying a hat. Linda likes this one as Candace runs in and drags Linda out of the store as Linda protests this because she has the coat on and it hasn't been paid for yet as the alarm sirens go off in the store. The police officer comes out of nowhere and tries to follow.
So we head back to the robot causing absolutely no damage whatsoever. Listen; I get that destroying people's properties with impunity is bad; but Doofensmirtz is a bad guy! He's supposed to be doing this criminal and terroristic behavior. So Perry decides to give the figural middle finger to Doof by ripping the ground panel and rips out the wires which Doof protests as usual. The spot is that the robot of doom is supposed to crush the skyscraper with his robotic foot; but stops, turns around and leaves stage right. So we see the bridge overpass as we zoom into the bus which is the tour bus of Phineas & The Ferb-Tones. We see Isabella sitting next to Phineas asking how he pulled that poster off. Phineas claims that they didn't mind as they allowed it to hang up for free because the building is going to be demolished into debris and dust. Which is exactly what happens as we see men pushing the plunger down and the building explodes just before Candace can show Linda the building. Again; here's the idiot subplot bunny thing again: She has a cellphone, why not just take a picture with it to show evidence that the poster to Linda? She is REALLY STUPID and if I was booking this, I would have Linda say "This coat is coming out of your allowance Candace" when the officer shows up to tell her that she has to pay for the coat. So the police officer and Candace walks away stage left as the officer actually points out that she is Lindana and Linda admits finally that she is the one hit wonder who is the officer's fan. Then the officer points out that she still has to pay for and Linda cuts him off claiming that she knows. In this world; she would be arrested for disorderly conduct even if it's totally unjustifed. So back to more terrorzing robot mayhem of death as Doof calls Perry's gambit well played; but he's through ignoring him. Really Doof? I didn't see you ignoring him at all in this episode. So he brings out the metal shackles of pain and Perry is immobilized good.
So Doof decides to taunt him by eating a deli platter at his wooden table. I don't know why; but that's FUNNY! So he offers a plate and puts it on a wooden stool (NOT THAT ONE!) and then takes out a pepper grinder and grinds pepper on it as Perry no sells; and Doof keeps going with it. The pepper mounds up as we continue outside with the giant robot of death terrorizing the city again as we pan over to Huge O Records (which contains a man struggling to lift up a single note like clock. So we head inside the office of Ben Baxter as Ben is so impressed with the band that he wants to get into the Phineas & Ferb-Tones business. Yes; we have a bunch of execs (none of them are from Disney; because I could see them dressed like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse etc. in real life in an unironic manner) at the round table as Ben asks if they are a little young to be pop stars and Phineas claims that they are not in a calm and conscending matter; so I'm guessing he's prepping up for that anger fit. So Ben stops being annoyed and then offers them the CONTRACT OF DEATH as he wants to sign them exclusively to the group on one condition: They create a second hit single for them. Phineas then stands up and does one of the best rants I have ever heard (and keep in mind; this is a character who is accused by critics as having one emotion: happiness. Do you see him happy during this rant) that might as well be a allegory for the Disney bands during this time...
Phineas: Follow-up single?! Who do you think we are, some two-bit hacks who will keep writing you songs simply because you pay us obscene amounts of cash? (Phineas grabs the contract and rips it asunder) Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder. Good day to you, sir. (Storms off and goes in the elevator with Ferb and the Fireside Girls. The elevator closes and goes down.) Diva tantrum, check. (Listening to Gitchee Gitchee Goo instrumental version.) Elevator music, check. (Checks off both the diva tantrum and the elevator music part.)
That was great and Phineas won because you see; the storyline is that Phineas only wanted to be a one hit wonder because he knew that being rich and famous was dull and awful. So he decided to do the best and get to the top and then leave the business on top. That is the storyline and it's a much more compelling storyline to me because the "get rich and famous" part has been done to death for so long that seeing a kid outsmart an exec was comedy gold. Ben will find a new sucker soon enough. So we head back to the board room as Ben has the VHS tape and he doesn't care if they retire or not because they can simply reimage the entire thing into their own image and squeeze 20 years of entertainment out of it; even create the Phineas & Ferb show. UH OH! Did I mention that this show is so popular that it has a 2 1/2 minute segment where Phineas & Ferb do a talk show? More on that in the Perry Files because one of the sets has a number of these segments on them. So the glasses wearing white haired exec panics because as Ben is ranting about screwing Phineas over for Phineas screwing him; the Doofensmirtz Terror-inator Robot of Death approaches the building and then we cut back to Doof stopping the pepper grinding as has created a four foot mountain out of it. Doof admits that he likes paprika himself. Well no wonder he's acts like a jobber in every episode. Perry blows the mountain into Doof's face and when the pepper dust clears, we see Doof waving the stuff off proclaiming that it will take more than condiments to foil his brilliant plan. I think we know where this is going now, don't we? Then Doof starts the sneezing motion and the robot of death sneezes Perry free from bondage. Both him and Doof go flying into the board room's wall as they manage to whack the tape out of Ben's hands and then come out the other side with the Scooby Doo Snow Angels spot. Ben protests this outrage and then we see Doof and Perry freefalls.
Okay, here's what happens next: Perry uses the tape to hang and swing onto a horizontal flagpole. Doof freefalls and we get an off-screen shot as if they are teasing him taking the BUMP WITH CHEESE AND BACON; but then we hear the exact sound effect I heard in the Donald Duck short where Donald Duck is a lumberjack and after he tries to saw through the tree; the saw screws up and forces Donald to go into the cut and he ends up like Paper Mario. He swings down towards the ground; then pops and turns back to normal shape two feet above the ground and then takes the MAN-SIZED bump and we get the most hilarious boing sound ever. I laughed my ass off everytime I saw that spot in the DD shorts because the sound effect they used is so hilarious and they still made it like he took that bump like a man. Only this one is less funny because Doof ultimately lands on a bed mattress. Just doesn't have the same panche. But it gets better as Doof is happy for this stroke of luck, and then gets squashed into the mattress; because it's a fold up mattress as stated on the side of the truck. Doof proclaims that he's fine which annoys me; but it's worth it in this case because then the giant robot monster foot squashed the truck and Doof into the ground WITH CHEESE AND BACON. Great spot as Doof curses Perry again sounding like he has been crushed almost to death. So we see Phineas and company walk out and of course here is Perry without the hat hissing at us again. The tour bus arrives (so that is paid somehow?) and the kids all get inside and we leave. So we head to the Googolplex Mall as the blond announcer finally announces the winner and it's the furry bunny and his blender. YES! YES! YES! The furry finally got respect from someone who isn't a perv....Oh wait; never mind. Crowd doesn't seem to be thrilled about this as we head to the bench as Candace sits down looking disappointed because a bunny defeated her for the title. Despite the fact that she never got a chance to perform on stage mind you.
So here comes Jeremy as he sits down next to Candace and asks what is wrong. Candace rants about losing to a bunny and wonders if she should take blender lessons. Answer: Yes; but not for pop idolization. He asks why she ran off and Candace blames Phineas again because he ruins everything like WCW ruins everything. Okay; she didn't say the WCW part. Anyhow; Jermey tells her to not let them ruin her time in the sun and if she wants to sing; just sing. When Jermey F'N Johnson is the smart one of the couple; you know the writers are intentionally writing Candace as an idiot. So Phineas and company are back on stage and he offers Candace a chance to sing their reunion song because she is still the 100th contestent of this. Candace looks happy and gets on stage as we repeat the TEDDY RUXPIN SONG OF DOOM. Only Candace sings and jumps with Phineas; and she does a hell of a good job here. Ferb sings his contracted line; everyone pops for it louder than they did for the earlier song as the lights and effects are really impressive here (and remember; this show is not known for it's good artwork, so this was a win). Candace has her arms in the air and is so happy that her brothers have proven her wrong and they are her ticket to. And then she gets cut off by Phineas as he waves to the crowd to inform everyone that this is the last time they are singing the song and they are retiring. Phineas & company walk off the stage right as the crowd leaves and then all the lights go off as Candace just stands there in the pitch black darkness with only her eyes showing and we hear a male voice proclaim that the mall is close and will reopen at 9:00 am tomorrow. It thanks them for shopping too as Candace is not amused judging by her eyes. HA!
So we go to the ED (and yes, this ED has a new segment): So the segment is that Candace is watching television and sees a commercial for Lindana as we hear her song Lindana Just Wants To Have Fun as we see Linda in that Cyndi Lauper reject outfit singing and dancing. The announcer proclaims that she was loved in the 1980's and it's time to love her again as she has been remixed and translated into your favorite languages. Which they all scroll down the screen as there are about 20 of them. Only in America where they think there is a separate Canadian language and also a language which dogs understand. So we cut to the living room as we see Linda click off the television set. Phineas & Ferb walk in and ask what she is watching and Linda claims that it's nothing at all. More singing ends the episode at 11:00 approx. I'm getting tired of Candace being an idiot. It's one thing to be an asshole, it's one thing to do stupid stuff; but being this stupid most of the time just makes Candace look like just another rigid gender role girl. And people are shocked when I have no problem with Kim Possible being a Mary Sue? Otherwise; this episode was awesome and I hope that Marty The Rabbit Boy gets a preschool television deal for this victory because we need more furries in cartooning. I say this because trying to have humans in cartoons is going to bite them in the ass in the long run if kids decide that it's best to watch live action shows (as seen with Marvel in recent years) for their "must relate completely" humans and stuff. Yeah; some of the sloppiness is still there; but the song was great, the finish and ending were really good and the storyline was perfect as Phineas did exactly what he wanted to do and left on top. If only certain real life adults could muster the same will to do this... **** 1/4 (85%).
THE REVIEW LINE
A mixed bag of shorts again this time. Are You My Mummy was perfectly fine; but the finish and ending were rushed all the hell as it took nearly 3/4 of the show of Candace trying to bust the boys before they got to the Doof/Perry segment. Again; this episode felt sloppy as hell; but it was pretty funny and the Woodenator is a funny plot device in spite of giving reality the middle finger. Sadly; we never got to see them fight the mummy so the footage of them fighting them is probably original footage. Sad; because seeing Phineas and Ferb shadow boxing with the mummy selling like a wrestling match would have been great. Flop Starz was a lot better because the storyline was brilliant in it's "leave on top; act reasonable" context. Phineas knew that being a pop star forever was boring and dull; so he had a plan to create a song, be a one hit wonder and then retire. He pulled this off perfectly from start to finish; ending with one of the best rants on a Disney show that I have heard. I liked the Lindana angle and I hope that they play more into this angle in the future; but seeing Candace being an asshole and an idiot is getting really tiresome now. It's one thing to be a jerk. I'm fine with her being a jerk for storyline purposes; but you have a damn cellphone, so why not use it? Anyhow; Goochie-Goochie-Goo is great; albeit Tuckeriffic and the Doof/Perry segment was at least chaotic and fun; instead of being chaotic. Ben was merely a device to setup Phineas' epic rant and the finish and ending were the right booking decision in spite of Candace's dumbassery. So two enjoyable episode with problems mostly stemming from ADD booking and pacing. Trust me; having 14 paragraphs of stuff without tribute in 11 minutes is the epitome of the show being overwritten. Next up is Raging Bully/Lights! Candace! Action! as Candace becomes a movie star while Phineas and Ferb bury Burford into a self-harming tweener. For those who think Jocktopus got the bad end of the heeldom; witness Buford's fall from grace. Then we finally complete the DVD set with It's About Time! If I feel like it and have time; I'll also write a summary on the Rollercoaster original pitch idea Dan and Jeff came up with. Then we move onto the Perry Files DVD sets. So....
Thumbs in the middle for Are You My Mummy? and thumbs up for Flop Starz and I'll see you all next time.