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Phineas & Ferb: Raging Bully/Lights, Candace, ACTION!
Reviewed: 01/25/2014
The End Of Buford's Creditability Is In Action!!
So now we wind down to the end of The Fast & The Phineas with the final two shorts of this set; which are episode #6 (#5a) and #5 (5b) on the animation paper. So today's action is Buford is a bully and Phineas is going to stand up to him by beating him in a thumb wrestling match. Meanwhile; Doofensmirtz is inventing a device that makes people into mind slaves for his party which they have to clean up afterwards. That's sounds sort of evil. Then from there, Phineas & Ferb create an adaption of a play Candace loves and turns it into a monster movie. Someone was clearly watching the 22 Minutes King of Kensington sketch while doing this show. Doofensmirtz is quiet today and Perry has to find out; because screw privacy laws, amirite?! Let's rant on shall we...?!
Raging Bully is written by Dan Povenmire, Swampy Marsh, Martin Olson, Wendy Grieb and Kent Osborne. Wendy started on storyboards in As Told By Ginger in 2000. Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is her DTVA debut and she went on to do work for The Legend of Tarzan, Stitch Experiment 626, Tarzan & Jane, Lloyd In Space, Lilo & Stitch The Series, American Dragon: Jake Long, The Buzz On Maggie and My Friends Tigger & Pooh. Non DTVA credits: The Cramp Twin (bad sign #1), and Kids 10 Commandments: A Life & Seth Situation. That's it basically. Lights, Candace, ACTION is written by Dan Povenmire, Jeff "Swampy" Marsh, Bobby Gaylor, Martin Olson, Sherm Cohen and Antoine Gulibaud. Story editing for both episode are done by Martin Olson. Animation is done by Rough Draft and Wang Films.
Raging Bully: We begin this one with the STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM which is twice over because inside the living room; they recycle the exact same camera angle shot of Candace sitting in the loveseat checking her "smart" phone for pictures of Jermey in compromising positions. Candace calls Jermey cute in his Slushy Dawg uniform which Linda comes in with her music stand and bag and informs Candace that she is going to the mall today to do Jazz at the Squat & Stitch; so I'm guessing this is a running gag event for this show; only with Jazz this time around. Linda suggests taking Phineas & Ferb to the mall, which would normally make Candace whine and complain; but since Jermey is working in the Googalplex mall; she's cheery and happy about doing this favor for Linda. So Candace runs out and we head to the Googalplex Mall and we see Linda on stage with her keyboard piano, Vivian on chello and Mrs. Johnson on drums as Linda is testing the music stuff and proclaims that this next tune might get heated; so the females at the knitting tables should hold onto their needles. So they play this tune and it's so soft only a person with a deep seated hatred for Jazz in general would sell it as heat. So we cut to the food court (with a lot of cyan blue) as Candace gives Phineas & Ferb a dollar bill as their cut and then waves bye bye because she is going to see Jeremy for the rest of the episode. Phineas asks where Perry is and we cut to Perry backing up behind a soda machine and putting his hat on. He uses his foot on what appears to be the small vent on the bottom of the machine; but it's really a scanner which opens the door on the side of the machine. Perry tips backwards into the soda machine and then we do the Detective Thursday slide spot from Vowel Play; which comes to a screeching halt. Instead of just standing up and walking to the end; he pushes himself forward to the end of the slide. Perry runs in and sits down in the chair in front of the monitor (Yes; this OWCA headquarters is in the sewers this time) as Major Monogram apologizes for the wax buffer because he's on jury duty this week. Well; you know your ass is screwed when THAT happens.
So Monogram tells us that Doofensmirtz has bought some suspicious items which are four helicopter blades, 24 balloons and 6000 lightbulbs (all shown on the monitor with pictures and numbers). So it's "Cut Down Megavolt" day? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ZAP! OUCH! Ummmm...We see Mongram talking about Doofen hiding in the abandoned cake factory and the 6000 lightbulb picture is still on the bottom of the screen as Monogram stops and tells Karl in roundabout terms to get the caption off the screen. Karl does that and Monogram is relieved as he tells Agent P to find Doofensmirtz and expose his plan; whatever it is. He tells Perry not to fail as he slides down another slide which screeches off-screen because it's not waxed. So we head to the Mr. Slushy Dawg which so happens to be the most pinkified sign I have seen in a long while. So we pan down to Jeremy at the counter as he is wearing a hot dog on his head with a pink like top cap. At least this weiner is under control if you know what I mean. So we see Candace giggling and taking pictures with the camera function of the cellphone; and the XENON FLASH OF DEATH makes Jermey look like another one of Jerry Bomb's victims only it punched him in the eyes instead of just the mouth. So we go to a table with Phineas & Ferb sitting down with a cone of peppermint ice cream as they somehow make the top scoop of the ice cream fall onto the table while Ferb has a pocket watch and times it. Ferb shows the time to Phineas and Phineas calls this an interesting experiment. I thought it was boring; but that's just me. Anyhow; we zoom out to see Baljeet has joined them and he's hitting the books and asking why Phineas & Ferb are not studying. Okay; I have no problem with Baljeet studying because he is actually doing someting with his quality time/vacation time. If that means getting ahead of everyone in class to prepare for the year ahead, and if you think that you can handle it, then go knock yourself out. With that said; Baljeet shouldn't be acting like he's better than Phineas & Ferb; because he is clearly not as we have seen many times before.
So Phineas answers that it's summer vacation with no school, teachers and only worries are bullies. And speaking of bullies; here comes the awesome heel Buford for what will be probably the last time as a full fledge jackass fatass heel as he literally sits down and squashes Baljeet in the chair. Ummmm, OW! He swipes the books on the floor and then remembers to drink Baljeet's soda like Don Karnage did in the Disney Channel edition of Plunder and Lightning. Then he smashes the container on his head and throws it behind him which somehow curves over and hits a blue shirt kid in the head which causes him to bail stage left. I'm surprised Don Karnage didn't do that; because that would have made him more heelish than he already is. So Phineas points out that the seat has been taken; as Buford tells him straight to leave the table because he's taking it. Baljeet's arm is rising from the Buford tomb (HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEE~?!) and wants Phineas to just leave before he gets pissed off. Phineas is pointing with his ice cream cone and the green ice cream drops and lands right in Buford's groin. I know this because when Buford jumps up and inspects himself; the ice cream spot is right in the dick; which is fitting for his personality in the early episodes. Everyone laughs in the sky shot. The artwork here is fine; but seems unfinished in the case of the curly brown haired female with the cyan blue dress and headband because they forgot to put shoes on her. The animation is stiff though as Buford grabs Phineas (by the collar; because the throat is a BS&P no-no) and threatens violence on him; but Isabella comes in for the save and orders Buford to put him down. Ummm; that might be a bad idea Isabella considering that Buford might think Phineas is an animal and not a human being; and somehow he's smart enough to understand what that phrase means. Baljeet manages to unstick himself from Buford's ass (in a neat moment) and proclaims that violence will only lead to more violence...which only encourages Buford. I love it when the writers finally realize that bullies don't give a damn about that moral since most bullies love violence.
So then a black man wearing a white shirt arrives which Isabella notices the voice right away. Did I mention Phineas & Ferb is like Hercules The Animated Series in that they load up on superstars and stuff? Isabella addresses this man as the former World Heavyweight boxing champion, Evander Holyfield. Also known as the guy who put Mike Tyson in his proper place. Evander is voiced by Evander Holyfield and all you need to know that he is a former IBF Heavyweight champion, former WBA Heavyweight champion, former Undisputed Heavyweight champion with a Record at: 42-10-2 (27 KOs). He is also known as the man who got his ear bit off by Mike Tyson in one heavyweight fight many years ago. As an actor; he debut in 1990 as a Boxer in Blood Salvage (which he was executive producer). Phineas & Ferb is his DTVA debut and only appearance. He mostly plays himself (has 81 Self credits; weirdly P&F is one of them despite the show being animated); but his other acting credits include: Necessary Roughness (convict football player), Arthur (boxing trainer), and Fighter's Chance as Tony Ricardo. That's about it basically from the acting side. Celebrity Big Brother and Champs as himself are his most recent credits. So we see Evander with a green colored garden rake and the animators even remembered that the guy got his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson which is a neat touch. Phineas then asks if he's a little too old to be a boxer. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it when Phineas throws that cliche line back in some adult's face. I really do. Evander admits that he is and Phineas calls it cool. Evander proclaims that if they are going to settle their differences; do it the time honored way which is in the back of the mall at three o'clock. Phineas asks Ferb about it and Ferb checks his pink notebook and then gives the thumbs up with a ding sound. Phineas accepts and then gets dropped on his ass by Buford because his mother is picking him up at four o'clock. Phineas proclaims that they have found something to do today as Baljeet points out that this is a magical carpet ride to destruction. So? What is your point Baljeet?
Isabella backs Baljeet up because the last time Buford faced someone who stood up to him; it was the exact same blue shirt kid from earlier as he has a toilet filled with water on his head proclaiming that Buford won this round. At least this toilet humor makes sense and is not out of nowhere since they are in the bathroom. What strength by Buford though to rip a toilet out of the washroom and dunk it on the head of this kid. Isabella fears the same result is going to happen to him, but Evander proclaims that he'll be fine because Evander is going to train him. So we HIT THE MONTAGE~! Buford goes to a gym which is named Wedgies: The Gym For Bullies. Only in this universe would someone have the premeditated gall to have them flashed on the store door. Phineas is running up the down escalators as we get the shape is not a triangle spot as pointed out on a poster by Evander; thus showing that indeed, even he doesn't like Phineas's head shape. Buford is using a spring with a punching bag painted with a face as he dunks it into the toilet. So Steve Austin 1997-ish of you. So we get him practicing his bully spots on dummies (wooden this time) as Phineas is doing exercises including a boxing version of Dance Dance Revolution. Best spot is Buford whacking a large piece of meat while Phineas is whacking a string of susages. That was funny as it ends with Phineas finally making it up the down escalator to the top. Did I mention that he is wearing the smallest boxing gloves I have ever seen? The song is basically a heel Buford tribute song. So we see Milly handing flyers to everyone in the mall for the big brawl coming at three o'clock and the first one is the Mr. Slushy Dawg employee from Unfair Science Fair. The second one is a long brown haired female wearing sandals, leather anklets, a short green shorts and belt. The most notable thing I see is that her top only covers her breasts and is lighter green. She also appears to be wearing green tape on her wrist. I'm guessing she's trying to be a WWE Diva now. She's also got a bronze neck clamp and bronze hoop earrings. I just am surprised at the amount of skin shown because it's a lot more than most DTVA shows that are not at the beach.
So Milly gives Candace one; Candace looks at it and crumbles the paper blowing it off. She doesn't care if Phineas & Buford kill each other. Or so I thought as she storms off and we see that outside the mall; they are building a boxing arena outside complete with all the trimmings. HAHA! So we see Phineas & Ferb putting the finishing touches on the giant screen as Candace arrives and blows them off for this because they cannot build an arena in the parking lot of the shopping mall. Ummm; they just did. Plus; since Evander is training them; I'm certain that he got the permits and the money to build this somehow. Candace storms off to tell Linda because she has to bust the boys for something started by Mr. Holyfield. Or and let's make her into a bigger asshole and a stalker: As she is storming off; she walks in front of the counter to the Mr. Slushy Dawg while Jeremy is working; she takes out her cell phone and takes another bad picture of Jeremy. Yep; Candace is a stereotype now as we head to the stage with Mrs. Johnson, Vivian and Linda playing Jazz. We see Candace peeping from the curtains behind Lina as I'm enjoying this music and she is ruining the buzz of it. As usual. Did I mention that Linda has a steel triangle as well. Candace blows her off because her solo is on and she hits the triangle. We cut to Candace proclaiming that she needs evidence. What? You forgot to do that? And once again; Candace forgets to take pictures of the arena Phineas & Ferb built. So Candace thinks the filer is the proof and runs off. So we scene change to the abandoned cake factory which is shaped like a birthday cake. Perry is practicing the fine art of not being seen as he goes through the boarded room and runs towards the control center. However; the large steel trapdoor opens and Perry falls into a giant sized bowl of pink cake mix/frosting. It's hard to...Oh wait; it's cake mix since there is a giant hand mixer in the next shot as Doofen mocks him as we discover that it's Dookle Berry Cake Mix as he shows a purple box containing an old lady who looks like Doofen's long lost grandmother with shades on. You know you suck as a heel when your grandmother looks much cooler than you do.
So Doofen reveals a three stage birthday cake with a candle proclaiming that today is his birthday. And anyone who has watched enough wrestling and enough cartoons knows what is going to happen to that birthday cake. Perry tries to struggle; but no go as Doofen is craving the cake proclaiming that in 30-40 minutes, the yeast will rise and bury Perry alive. And somehow an out of nowhere plate is on top of the cake mix batter. I don't recall cake mixes requiring yeast nor rising. I know normal cake mixes are to blend well; spoon into pans and bake for 30-40 minutes which causes them to rise in the oven. I don't recall cake mixes being like bread, rolls nor pizza dough. So we get a rod and fishing line as Doofen plops a piece of the birthday cake onto the plate. HA! Doofen is sort of happy that Perry is here to "celebrate" because Doofen's birthdays are lousy as we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! We have one B&W shot of a baby Doof crying with a doctor in the hospital because his parents fail to show up. Wait; so the mother didn't show up? I CLUB BS&P! Guys; most kids know where babies come from now. Unless they are implying that his parents are jackasses...Oh wait; they are. So Doofen threw a surprise birthday party at the Gunther Goatcheese which is basically an old country version of Chuckee Cheese which is awfully less cheesy than Gunther as we have an anthro band of a wolf, pig and mouse robots playing drums, violin and squeeze box. He addresses them as Count Wolfgang, Betty The She-Boar, Ratpuin & The Lice Twins, Olga and Chiacgo Joe who are lice on a stool with one of them stealing Squidward clairnet with a purple bow and Chicago Joe is wearing blue boxing gloves on four arms. So Doofen is given a birthday cake by a human in a fursuit as he calls this awkward. He then leaves; informing Doofen to lock up when he leaves as the door closes and the lights dim. So then we get a shot of the forest AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Doofen didn't eat 7/8th of the cake and he monlogues that you shouldn't carry cake into the old country because the dookle berry bats on the northern pan shot will swarm and make you scream off-screen. Huh.
So we return to reality (no, not really) as Doofen stares and then brings out a remote control with one red button on it; because this year will be different see as he is not celebrating alone. So Doofen is bringing out the DOOFEN DEVICE OF THE DAY which is the Slave-inator. So he is going to kill slaves? That would actually turn him monster heel; so I doubt that and it just creates more slaves. It's a giant television set that uses hypnotic waves to zombifiy Perry into clapping and cleaning up after the party is over as shown on the giant screen. So Doofen gets into the top (which is a helicopter television set) and the ceiling opens on cue. Doofen rises up mocking Perry again and the trapdoor closes. So Perry regains his control over himself and goes through his hat. He brings out a paper map containing different color whistles. Did I mention that the whistles are stylized according to the animal sound. Did I mention that Komodo Dragon is Kamodo Dragon in this show? Did I mention that he has a sardine whistle? I know the Kamodo Dragon whistle is an error because if it was intentional; he would have used the KD whistle instead of the one whistle that is a whale as it breaks through the brick wall. He looks like a sick version of Bismarck from Final Fantasy VI. So Perry switches whistles and uses the bat whistle as a swarm of dookle bats shatter through the window and then land in the cake mix and start eating the cake mix. Okay; that was good continuity at least. So now we head to the sky shot of the arena boxing ring as there is a packed crowd of at least 20,000 people; which is amazing considering where they are. So I discover that the ring announcer (who is wearing all purple with a pink bowtie) sounds very familar as he introduces Buford as....
Announcer: Ladies & gentlemen; boys and girls. He's from a bad home... He's missing a chromosome... Buford the Bully! {Michael Buffer introduces Buford the Bully who is giving two thumbs up and is wearing a Gedo fashion sense hood to the ring; just to be a dick. Yeah Michael Buffer is implying that Buford is gay. Such slander from someone so famous. } He's got moves... He's got grapes... His nose takes up his entire face... Fabulous Phineas Flynn! {Michael Buffer then shows up on the western pan shot to the gate as we see Phineas walking in with Evander Holyfield and Ferb is in a Greek outfit with a bowl of grapes. HAHA.}
Oops; I gave away who voices him too. Anyone who has watched a boxing match from the 1990s and watched WCW PPV and Nitros knows who he is. New WWE fans watching the archives don't know because he is edited out like Chris Benoit is now (Not anymore after the WWE Network launches in about a month's time) Annnouncer is voiced by Michael Buffer and he is known as one of the most notable boxing announcers in history; best known for his promos of "Are You Ready?" and "For the thousands in attendence, and the millions watching around the world...Let's GET READY TO RUMBLE~!" Michael Buffer not only did boxing matches; he was a regular wrestling ring announcer for WCW from 1993 till around 2000 or so. (since many of his catchphrases of trademarked; WWE often edited out his announcing on WCW footage that they own (Usually they replace the voice with audio clips of David Penzer or it's silent altogether when no possible audio can be used without making it sound contrived); although there is talk that with the WWE Network; they made a deal with Mr. Buffer to have his voice on WCW archive programming again. ) He did make one WWE Raw appearance in 2008 though. Other credits include being the announcer for South Park, Clayfighter 63 1/3, Weird Science, Rocky V, Harlem Nights, Homeboy (acting debut in 1988), and You Don't Mess with Zolan as Walbridge. Phineas & Ferb is his DTVA debut and also appeared on The Clerks. The Fighter is his most recent acting credit and Grunge Match is his most recent Self credit. He has 31 acting credits, 78 Self credits and one soundtrack credit (which is for the song for Get Ready To Rumble which he wrote) to his resume. By the way; did I mention that Michael Buffer is YOUR special guest referee for this contest? Evander Holyfield is trying to look like Jeff Hardy with his orange/blue sweater, black shorts and white socks; but it fails. Buford and Phineas get into the ring as Michael Buffer goes over the rules of engagement. And here's what Michael Buffer sezs during this whole thing:
Michael
Buffer:
Okay, boys. Let's have a fair and square fight and in no way should
this ensuing fight contain the image of a potentially harmful,
hurtful, or psychologically disturbing physical act that could be
imitable by an impressionable child viewer.
Buford:
Aw!
By the way; this is a joke on BS&P (because this show has already violated that rule about a dozen times before this episode aired. Ponder that for a while) because we discover that they are not boxing. They are going to have the ultimate BS&P fight: A thumb war wrestling match complete with WWF Toy Wrestling Ring. Yes folks; this was stolen by Fanboy for the Random! Cartoons pilot, why do you ask? So Buford and Phineas put their thumbs through the holes in the ring. Let's get ready to rumble which is more like "Pay Me" to Michael Buffer. Anyhow; we go backstage as Candace is with Ginger and Holly as they tell Candace that they are out of posters. Candace asks for more evidence; but the girls say that they are all sold out. When 8X10 photos comes out; suddenly Candace realizes that all she needs is photographic evidence to bust them. So she runs and we get a spot where Jeremy is juggling hot dogs and other stuff; looking like a complete fool. Candace teases taking the photo; but realizes that she has 1% photo space left. Candace seriously needs to switch carriers because this "smart"phone is ripping her off. Candace teases taking Jermey's pictures; but resists and runs off. So we head to the sky with the Slave-inator as we get air horns blaring (the secret weapon to shut Peter Griffin up) as we pan westward to see a swarm of bats flying and screeching as Perry is doing the carrot on the sting trick; only with a birthday cake. It's about damn time someone used a birthday cake that didn't involve someone splattering it in someone's kisser. So Perry jumps on board as Doofen turns around and he slingshots the PARTY HAT OF DOOM. Yes folks; Doofensmirtz said that too. Perry dodges as various candies and stuff get knocked off the table. Perry grabs some part blowers and blows them into Doofen's kisser over and over again onscreen. Doof sells then as if they are punches to the face. This is a segueway back to the ring as Michael Buffer rings the bell; and it is ON BABEE~! We do the motto of a thumb war wrestling match; which is lame, but whatever.
So we square off and Buford breaks the ice with a thumb takedown and then whips Phineas into the rope and gets a clothesline for his trouble. I see Michael Buffer announcing skills are on par with Michael Cole's since he said turnbuckle; instead of the ropes. Michael Buffer calls this brutal. No crap Sherlock Buffer! See what I did there? Anyhow; we segueway back to the Slaveinator as Perry uses the rattlers as naunchunks as Doofen has paddle balls and his goofy computer keyboard around his neck. So we whack the ball for a while and Perry gets nail and takes the oversell bump over the edge of the Slaveinator. So the Slaveinator is over the arena and it's registering all zeroes as the crowd is zomified into staring at the thing. So we see Doofen smashing Perry's fingers with the keyboard and Perry refuses to let go; which even prompts Doof to ask if this was hurting his finger. So we head back to Phineas' corner as Phineas doesn't think this is going over so well as Evander is telling him to go for the gold and oh shoot he sezs to go for the stink eye and the greased pig....He's got nothing.. AND THE ROCK MEANS NOTHING! So we continue the beatdown of Phineas' thumb by Buford as Candace runs in with the "smart"phone as Buford's thumb is on the top rope and it comes down with the corkscrew parlyzing thumb; also known as the Boston Belt-Sander! Wait; what? Then we see Candace running into the Squat & Stitch event as everyone is tired and having a smoke break. Wait; they didn't show Candace using the camera? Am I missing something here? Because she claims that she has photo evidence that is indisputable evidence of dangerous, irresponsible behavior which Linda calmly explains that she has her thumb right on the lens which barely shows Phineas doing something. This would have been more effective if we actually saw Candace taking the photo from the start. Candace is pissed; so she drags Linda away stage left. So we return as Doofen bids goodbye to Perry as he brings out the out of nowhere green ice cream cone and is going to smash it into Perry's face.
So Perry brings out the whale whistle and blows it. So we get the slow motion Free Willy spot over the Slaveinator as the power of suggestion knocks the scoop of ice cream out of the cone and it free falls towards the ring as Buford finishes squashing Phineas and shoves Phineas into the corner. Ummm; hello. That's a DQ since that was a physical move! Michael Buffer proclaims that it's all over as Isabella is horrified and Phineas' thumb is swelled up red. He is in the corner realizing that Buford won cleanly over him (shove notwithstanding since Buford never actually cheated); and then the scoop of ice cream drops on his head. Buford then stops and laughs proclaiming that now he has been humiliated and Phineas just smiles. Wait; what? They're shaking hands!! WHAT THE HELL?! Yes folks; this is the end of Buford as a heel as he has turned almost babyface because Phineas got ice cream dropped on his head. I hated this because Buford won the match. It should have been booked as either Phineas winning on a fluke/or Phineas wins by DQ and then the ice cream drops on his head and Buford laughs. Because when it is booked my way; at least Buford ate humble pie and got stood up as a bully making Buford realize that he was the bully and then either correct the behavior; or turn into a scoiopath. Here; Buford wins in a squash match; so Phineas failed to stand up to Buford and thus they went for the understand the bully finish which is a really bad idea for anyone to use since that rewards the bully for his violent behavior. All time bad finish right there folks. So we finish up Doof/Perry as Doof is getting whacked and collides into the helicopter pole. Perry grabs a flying red balloon and floats away as the helicopter pole rises up with Doofen managing to carry his birthday cake (which has white frosting on now) with the candle proclaiming that he still has the cake. Then the cake slides and gets splattered all over his kisser of course because Jim Cornette is a genius as the bats swarm towards him and Doof curses Perry again.
So the Slaveinator squashes the entire ring which has no one in it thank goodness. The set changes to "Clean Up The Mess" and the brainwashed crowd rushes out as a blond haired female wants to take care of the whale. So yeah; the problem is: How did the kids, Holyfield and Buffer not be brainwashed into this mess? I guess you have to see it in order to be brainwashed. That's awfully lame. So we head outside to an empty street as Evander and the kids wrap this thing up as Buford thanks Evander and they wave goodbye as Perry arrives with his red balloon. Evander walks away stage left proclaiming that he was grateful to settle this in a slightly less violent way. We hear the hiss sound and Phineas & Ferb notice Perry right away. So we cut to the entrance as Candace drags Linda out and Candace invokes the pointy finger of doom telling her to see. We all now where this is going as the kids are waving hello as the place is clean as a whistle. Linda deadpans Candace again and goes back in for the second set. Candace has her muffled scream and then faints dead away because she is now a walking female stereotype. So Buford asks about tomorrow; but Phineas wants to move on forward. Ferb claims that sharks have to move forward or they will drown. Buford invokes the pointy finger of death at Ferb as Ferb thinks Buford is a shark. Ferb casually does the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DEATH and Buford goes nighty-nighty. HAHA! Why didn't they use THIS as the finish? That would have been even better if he did it on Buford's wrist!! Idiots. Phineas is not happy about this and Ferb proclaims that he was up in his face as Buford wonders what happened and then faints again to end the episode at 10:50 approx. This was a very good episode with a crappy finish and moral. Buford is now buried as a heel; although I expected that. I didn't expect them to do the finish they did which is actually worse than the Fanboy & Chum Chum pilot episode on Random! Cartoons; because the Z-Grade Berry Monster wasn't a bully to begin with and he beat two bullies in Fanboy & Chum Chum who treated him like a monster jobber instead of a monster heel. At least this show made better use of a birthday cake and Michael Buffer's BS&P promo is priceless. So call it *** 3/4 (75%).
Lights! Candace! Action!: We begin this one with a sky shot of the suburbs of Danville and a giant Godzilla green monster is destroying houses outside. What a start to this one eh? So we head to Candace's room as Candace is looking at herself in the mirror with a pink script with purple letter trying to act. Miss Tinsdale is still better than Miss Kane; so I'm all for it. She gets annoyed by the rumbling and noise; but continues on with what it is doing; much like the giant green monster outside. We find out that the play is called The Princess Sensibilities; because as you know, in the world of Disney you must have beautiful princesses to make money. And then people are surprised when parents groups think this is BS?! I'm surprised TaleSpin only had Princess Lotta Lamour; and even she did most of the work for King Amok. More men screaming as Candace is pissed and storms off as we discover that the green monster going to a house and is about to destroy it ; but then Candace's feet come down and smash it to bit. We discover that the scene you saw in the opening moments was a fake scene as Phineas & Ferb were making a Godzilla type movie. Or a Power Rangers scene. Same thing. So yes; Candace smashed the set of Phineas & Ferb creating a monster movie which was barely 10 sq feet in size. What an asshole this Candace is?! She is an actor and no; I'm not going to use the "...in bed" cracks on Candace. That is forever Bea's gimmick! She will not be distrubed by monster movie making. She will not stop being an asshole. Okay; that part I made up. And speaking of iCarly moments: Phineas tells us that last week their movie did 178 million hits on Youtube. Riiiiggggggghhhhhttttt Phineas. More like 178,000 hits; but who cares as we see Linda bringing in a bag of food to the side door as she tells us that a play is being filmed down the street. It's a movie play version of the Princess Sensibilities. Yeah. Candace is so happy and giddy for this as she was practicing for the drama club and she runs off stage left throwing the papers away proclaiming that she is going to be discovered. You wish Candace Flynn-Fletcher!
So the paper is a scene segueway to Phineas & Ferb standing in the backyard as Phineas calls this serendipitous again and then asks where Perry is. Oh and Phineas actually looks mad and emotes it better than any other time I have seen it thus far. Again; can we stop claiming that Phineas has one emotion? So we head to OWCA headquarters with no fanfare whatsoever as Agent P is sitting in the chair while Major Monogram is talking to him and it looks like one of those evening news shows with the file photo of Doofensmirtz which is at least constant with the last time we have seen it. We see a notepad graph of Doof's activity as he's been too quiet as of late. That paper looks too professional to be real. So Monogram stammers and wants Perry to check on Doofensmirtz and stop him; because privicy is so overrated, amirite? So Perry turns around as Monogram gives him good luck while stammering like an idiot. So Perry pushes the lever (JESUS!) and we have a rocket chair which teases going through the manhole cover in the street; but Perry breaks through the street for no reason. He flies away as we segueway to the grounds where the film The Princess Sensibilities are being shot at. That sounded perverted. Candance walks in and finds the producer trailer. I know this because it has a sign that sezs producer in orange letter. So we head inside the office which is basically a normal house like trailer. We see a brown haired male with full mustache beard which is intersecting each other with light brown and dark brown hair on his head intersecting as well. He is wearing a black shirt and semi green suit as he's on the cellphone in a mature lighting room. Nice. So Candace calls him Mr. Producer and the producer looks irate as he is calling on the cellphone and blows her off. See; his lead actress quit on him as Candace proclaims that this is his lucky day. So Candace clears his throat and starts acting and the producer doesn't think this is bad and I agree.
So he is hesistating on hiring Candace, so Candace proclaims that she'll do it for free and he instantly hires her. Ummmm; yeah, she is now as dumb as Launchpad is. So the producer is so happy that he'll save the money for the best directors in town as he calls them up. If you cannot guess who they are; you have no business reading this rant. So we HIT THE MONTAGE~ as Candace is getting prepped up for the role as some assistant director comes in with the contract which she doesn't sign, and is given a bagel with cream cheese on it. He also introduces a Frenchmen as her dialogue director, the blue swimsuit lady which we don't see her head as the stand in for the swimming scenes and a box containing personal trainers Olga and Chicago Joe. Yeah; they are now movie trainers. I think that is the last time we see them as Chicago Joe yells to give them 20 as I discover that they have the chipmunk high pitch helium voice. I should note that the lady doing Candace's nails is one of the ladies who swoons in front of Agent P during the full songs. So Candace is walking towards the producer as he wants Candace to meet the directors. Take one guess who they are as the camera arm comes down and damn I'm so good. Phineas waves hello as Candace is shocked and appalled in that order. Candace demands answers to this outrage as Phineas points out that they are directing this movie thanks to their agent as we pan over and see that the agent is Isabella with a microphone transmitter on the right side of her head and is on her cellphone blowing off someone for not wanting to give Phineas three per cent of the gross of this film and threatens to have Phineas quit on the spot. Isabella responds that when you mess with the bull; you get the horns. Why didn't they write Webby like this? Then we discover that she's talking through the transmitter because her cell phone rings. She answers it as it's Syd asking if she got that third act of hers yet. So Candace asks if they are a little young to be big budget directors and the producer proclaims that with 176 million hits on Youtube, they can be toddlers for all he cares. I guess child labour laws are even more lax in Nebraska.
So we pan up to seeing Candace in the Cinderella outfit; only with a giant green monster head which brings the classical music to a sreeching halt. And some camera shaking as Candace questions this decision to have monsters in the play. Phineas shows the revised script as he calls it the re-writes. We see that the original title is crossed out and it's now called "The Curse of The Princess Monster". HAHA! Geez; with that, Candace can just play herself and forego the monster head. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm...Candace protests this outrage because no one will ever see her face. I just realize that this is basically similar to a This Hour Has 22 minutes segment where someone remade the King of Kensington television series and the king was a serial killer instead of a pompus male. Anyhow; the producer comes in and points out that they will because the curse is lifted and they see her beautiful face as he claims that this will make Candace a star. I know where this is going and for those of you who read my "Legend of The Earth Troll" rant from Fish Hooks; you'll see the similarites. Candace seems to like this prospect as Candace's eyes get bigger yellow stars and that is a segueway to HIT THE MONTAGE~ of Candace fantasizing that she is going to Hollywood. So we get her going to the Chinese Theater in a white limo and the Cinderella outfit; then we get the wet cement print spot; and the Rolling Stones/Varity magazine spinning spot saying that Candace has cleaned up in the Oscars which look like statue of liberities. We return to reality (no, not really) as the fantasy is cut short as Candace is on the set. The producer calls her an ugly monster which was insulting. Candace then shows her stupidity on slilts again by putting on the monster head and then trying to run out; but the monster head makes her too tall; and the she whiplashes and the monster head comes off. That's not the stupid part. The stupid part is that she repeats the spot. TWICE!! How many times do I have to tell characters that repeating spots makes you a jobber for life? Idiots!
So we get Agent P almost 15 and a half minutes in riding on his helicopter chair in the skies and we head to Doofensmirtz Evil Inc. (complete with jingle of course) as Perry literally smashes a green door. It's sad that Perry cannot legit speak because if he could, we would hear some mangled maxims, just to complete the Mister T mockery. We discover that Doofen is sitting down in his purple chair reading a book called "The Art of Cheese". Privicy? What's that? Me not know how these two go together? So Perry is the new NSA agent. That's a fool's errand. Then we get probably the second funniest spot in this series to date as Doof points out that the door was not locked and proclaims that Perry will pay. So Perry brings out a wallet and pays Doofensmirtz money for breaking down the door. Twice since the door is solid oak. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Even better; Doofensmirtz, who is the heel blows him off for just breaking down doors for no reason. Take THAT you NSA agent! When the heel has to point out that it's wrong to destroy people's property with impunity; you suck as a babyface. Doofensmirtz claims that he is turning babyface to dedicate his life to cheese making as we pan over to a big ass roll of stinky Limburager on a pedestal as it is a Doofensmirtz family recipe. Then we hit the flashback as we see Doofensmirtz in some stone room with a cauldron on a fire as a cow is hanging from a hammock and he milks it. That made me laugh; most so the sounds. We return to reality (no, not really) as Doofen proclaims that it's not ready yet since it'll take 58 1/2 years to age. Doof checks his watch and blows off the time for it; so we see the green curtain in the background. So Doof uses the pull string and we see the device of the day which looks like a Fisher Price toy laser crossed with a Nintendo Gamecube. Doof calls this the Age Accelerator-inator which is lameo. Should be Ageinator Doofen. Perry looks as puzzled as I am on that Yuppy Ducks-equse design.
So we head backstage with the Fireside Girls playing grip, scene beginner and camera. It's Ginger, Gretchen and Milly playing those as Holly is the keeper of the gate so to speak on this closed set. So we pan over as we see Candace in the middle of the set of the city of Danville (I think) as Phineas is in the director's chair. Bad sign #1: The megaphone is yellow and the letters on the back of his chair are as well. Phineas claims that this is an important scene for Candace as no less emotion is more important than this scene. Candace feels great about it as Phineas also adds that the villagers will be nailing her with everything they got. Candace is confused as Milly snaps the board and it's action time as Ferb is throwing model rockets right in Candace's face from boxes. Seriously! He is throwing hard objects at a teenage girl as then we switch to the air force as Ferb throws model airplanes at her. Sadly to my disappointment, Candace doesn't yell: "MOM! Phineas & Ferb are watching TaleSpin again!" and then plumbing supplies get thrown as Candace just oversells everything. Phineas calls it a print; but doesn't say cut for some reason. BS&P RULEZ~! Besides the obvious reason guys! Ginger whispers in Phineas' ear; and Phineas calls this embarrassing; so he calls an audible and calls it rehearsal as Candace pops up from the carnage and looks pissed. HAHA! And Candace has a x bandaid on the left side of her face too. So we take it from the top as we snap the board again for Take 19. So we see Candace wearing a banana salad hat on her head and she's pretty happy about it. So we see Phineas proclaiming that this is a chase scene and Phineas decides to strap a camera on a monkey's head. Yeah; the monkey sees the banana and we get this awesome FPS camera recording shot of Candace running away. Sadly; there isn't anywhere to run and she turns around for no reason and then gets nailed as the camera goes dead. So we do the spot again; only this time with a Subway sandwhich and Ferb chasing Candace who hasn't eaten lunch yet. Now THAT is funny! Same result by the way right down to Candace turning around before the camera fizzles out.
So we see Phineas & Ferb with Candace (and her overbearing green monster head) as he explains that she will be dumped by snakes, spiders and white mice which is a total of 800 cubic feet. Candace takes the head off and protests this outrage. Phineas assures Candace that the animals are made of rubber as Ferb shows a rubber snake. Candace is now fine with this and puts the head on and walks stage left. Phineas then states that only the snakes are as Candace is engulfed with rubber snakes, but real spiders and white mouse who run away stage right while Candace screams off-screen. Oooookkkkaaaayyy; so we head to the bed scene with Candace on the bed as the curse has been lifted as Phineas talks about the love which the mind cannot have. He snaps the board for take one and here we go as Candace does some contrived and forced dialogue as Phineas loves this. Yeap; this is Blood Freak now. He yells on the megaphone even though you can clearly hear him during the film. So Phineas cues for the fairy dust (which Phineas calls girly faeire dust for some reason) as Ferb is above the wall and dumps the dust all over Candace, including the box. Yeap; this is an international comedy now as Phineas wants the wind machine and so Ferb turns it on as this is also turning into a Take Two segment extended to eight minutes or so. Candace hangs on for dear life as she loses her shoes in the ordeal and yells at Phineas to make it stop. Phineas shouts to Ferb to stop the wind machine now; and he does (with the lever (JESUS!)) as Candace falls face first on the bed looking roughed up again. So Phineas cues the flower petal as Candace continues to try to salvage this; but then a million plumbing and bathroom objects squash Candace like a bug and this was clearly screwed up because Phineas apologizes for the wrong prop. HAHA! We see Ferb noticing the flower petals box which is CLEARLY marked. This cannot be by "accident" and more evidence points to my theory as Phineas is like most Z-grade producers, doesn't want to do a second take. He calls this filming a wrap as one more kitchen sink drops and MURDERS Candace with a MAN-SIZED bump off-screen.
So we head to the editing room as we see Candace, Phineas & Ferb watching the monitor as Candace is literally biting her fingernails in panic mode. We see Candace trying to act on-screen; but she keeps screwing up and Phineas keeps cutting her off. So it took 20 takes for that despite the fact that this was take one as clear on the clapboard. That makes no sense at all. This truly is a Z-grade movie. Candace is sobbing at this calling it horrible and she cannot let anyone see this. She also does about seven or eight faceplants on the desk for good measure as Phineas points out that this is a rough cut. Ferb is going to fix it with editing the film as we see Ferb calculating and modifying all parameters (she was horrible in this rough cut; she even admitted that as much) and then we get a stock picture of Alcazar of Segovia in Spain; which is known as a tourist attraction. Sadly; it's not grainy footage; so it's B-level stock footage. And then we come to the ultra funny moment of this: We head inside the bedroom as we get a choppy mouth moving human girl in a similar outfit to Candace; but Candace didn't wear the cone hat I wager. By the way; she talks about thinking and dreaming and being free of the curse. Now; for those of you who saw my rant on Legend Of The Earth Troll, do you know what stock picture they used here. Why it's a picture of....wait for it...SHARPHY EVANS~! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Or...wait for it....MADDIE FITZPATRICK~! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah; like Milo is voiced by Kyle Massey; who happens to be a magical dude to Milo; it's Ashley Tinsdale in real life. Sort of. I'm sure her mouth moves a lot smoother than this footage. Candace stammers and she loves it and embraces her brothers proclaiming that they are the best brothers she ever had.
So we head outside the theatre as the sneak peak has started. Also known as the focus group. So the producer is with Phineas, Ferb and Candace as he has packed the theatre with teenager which is their target audience. Basically; he proclaims that if the movie is successful; then it's released. If not; he gives the cut throat sign which I thought BS&P forbids such a thing. So a kid cannot say "cut"; but an adult is allowed to give the cut throat gesture. FACKING BULLSHEET! So we head inside as we get the most stoned out teenagers ever. I also see Milly and Holly watching along with Little Timmy as the classical music plays. Only one of them is eating a plastic wrap bag of popcorn. That looks awkward. So we see the opening as the announcer proclaims that this is the Curse of The Princess Monster as the crowd pops for them; which shows it doesn't take much to amuse them. The classic elegant pink theme has neon green lettering that is so rough and demanding. We head outside as the producer is loving this and then we finally pan northwest to Doofensmirtz Evil Inc and outside as Doof is now wearing the Age Accelerator-inator as a backpack. Since when did Doofen gain Kit Cloudkicker's incredible strength? Anyhow; he decides to show off the laser backpack as we are at the seesaw as a baby in diapers is seesawing with a young five year old girl. The laser zaps the baby and he turns into a big ass man in diapers as the girl gets launched into the air. And I betcha we'll never see her again. So Doof goes into the building and zaps the cheese which doesn't sell at all. BOO HISS! So Doofen cuts a wedge and puts it on a plate for Perry. Doof warns him to be careful; because Limburager cheese is seemly addictive. So Doof bails to go get some crackers and then returns with a plate of Melba toast. Then he panics as he drops the plate of Melba toast and it shatters right onto the floor. We discover that the cheese is completely gone and we see Perry is eaten the entire wheel of cheese....with impunity I might add. Who is the babyface in this gig? It's certainly not Agent P! I feel your pain Doofensmirtz; I really do. Self control is so hard to find these days; believe me.
Doofen is ranting about using the laser for peaceful purposes; but now thanks to Perry, he is going to turn heel and blast Agent P with it instead. Yeah; except Doofen is now getting BABYFACE HEAT~! So we get an off-screen shot of Doofensmirtz Evil Inc. as Perry dodges all and we get stray laser shots going everywhere. We head back outside the theatre as the producer proclaims that the kids love it as Candace proclaims that she is getting superstardom now. Of course the green beam of death hits the theatre right on cue on the far shot (so we all saw it coming a mile away) and the teenage crowd turns into senior citizens and turns on the movie because it's too loud. Or something. Here's the logic break with this: in real life, senior citizens would never yell that the movie is too loud; because for many of them, their hearing is reduced, so it should mean that the movie is getting softer and they cannot hear what is going on and cannot follow the action due to this. That makes sense. This doesn't. And of course there is the old "too violent" stance which makes even more sense at least. Instead; the movie is too loud because apparently, senior citizens have better hearing in their later years (which is rarely ever true). Okay; here's what happened: the producer notices something is wrong as the people are turning on the movie. Now; here's another logic break: Holly and Milly were in the theatre when this happened. So was Little Jimmy; so that means that they are old as well which makes no sense since they return to normal in later episodes and we don't know how that happened. Even worse; one of the audience members is Eliza M. Feyersied ( from Fireside Girl Jamboree; who is already a senior citizen mind you) who wasn't in the theatre at all during this sequence. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE! So the elders run out of the theatre, stampeding and nearly MURDER Candace in the process; but miss Phineas & Ferb. The producer comes in and declares the movie dead because it was a failure; which is tragic for Candace because it wasn't her fault; nor the boys fault this time around. She has no one to blame but Doofensmirtz. That was evil!
Anyhow; Phineas & Ferb have a tape and proclaim that they put her best scenes on tape; so it'll be on the internet soon. Candace sulks as we head back to Doofensmirtz Evil Inc as he has Perry cornered in the corner literally. How Perry dodged all this while wearing that wheel of cheese, I'll never know. So Doofen turns the knob to the danger zone (I've been to the Danger Zone!) as he sezs goodbye to Perry and we go off-screen again as we get more beams shooting. Also; Doofen is shaking and the acting here was great by Dan. So we get the explosion as the device of the day blows it's top and we see Perry and Doofen age to senior citizens now. Apparently; Perry has a wooden cane as Doofen mocks Perry for letting himself go; not realizing that he is aged as well and somehow has gotten black rimmed glasses ala Newton Gimmick. So Perry then...this is such a copout in hindsight...rips his skin and we discover that he's young again because he was wearing an anti-aging suit that made him appear to be old. Yeah; what a copout finish this is. Doofen gasps at this out of nowhere dumb crap as he rips off his clothes and he's wearing green underwear with purple spots. He clearly shops at the same underwear store as Baljeet as he is still old and then walks off since it's 4:30 pm and time for bed. He curses Perry on the way out. This is the worst Perry/Doofen segment so far in this series. So we see a screen with the countdown rough cut sequence and then we see a triangle and a rectangle with ominous music playing as it's a Phineas & Ferb Productions with no faces; but they keep the same hairstyle with green and red colors. Then we see the title of their original movie which was the Swamp Monster of Danville.
Okay; so here's what happens: The kids are in Phineas' room on the computer as Candace watches. We see the monster get squashed by Candace and then pan up and Candace sounds like Darth Vader. Then we see a clearly fake globe of the earth as it's hanging on a string and it explodes like a lightbulb. We zoom out a bit and notice the counter going up over five million hits already. Candace looks shocked and appalled as Phineas proclaims that stardom is fleeting and Ferb points out that the internet is forever. HAHA! I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So Candace groans and faints dead away and Phineas ends it saying good night to Candace without a care in the world. HAHA! So we fade to black and return with the ED. Here's what happened: Candace is walking on the sidewalk and everyone walking past her states that they loved her as a monster in that movie on the net. Candace is not amused. One brown shirt kid does a funny impression of Candace acting like a zombie saying you guys ruin everything and chuckles on the way out. We see a girl proclaiming that she's the monster in her computer and her mother ushers her again. Then we get two kids passing by Candace as she goes off-camera and they realize that she is the Swamp Monster of Danville; and proclaim that she rocks. That ends the episode at 11:00 approx. Wow; the Candace stuff was better than the Doof/Perry segments by a mile which is amazing actually. The whole thing was funny for the most part; but the Perry/Doofen stuff wasn't very good and made Perry look like a jerk for no reason. At least I can sympathize with Candace this time because most of it wasn't her fault, outside of her bad acting skills. The Ashley Tisdale live action moment was the best thing on the episode. However; the finish made no snese and the ending was funny enough but lacked a good payoff with the ED. *** 1/2 (70%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Mostly good; but not great shorts here. Raging Bully was actually a really good episode with some excellent inside BS&P jokes and most of it made sense; although Candace was an idiot again and there was the usual sloppiness. The Doof/Perry segment was really cool and I will give the writers props for finding great way to use a birthday cake; including Doofen carrying it with one arm during the escape sequence at the end. Sadly; as great as most of this episode was; the finish was absolutely crappy. I get the "understand the bully thing" they were shooting for and it's a bad moral no matter how you slice & dice it; but no one cares about morals anymore except for old farts and that is not Disney's target audience anyway. However; if you want me to get behind Buford as a babyface after making him a heel throughout the first episodes, they did it wrong. The thumb war wrestling match was great; but the finish was booked wrong. Buford won clean which means Phineas failed to stand up to the bully; making their handshake at the end look like it was all staged instead of having legit heat which Buford had during this entire episode. The way it should have ended was: Ferb whispers into Phineas' ear before the next round. Phineas gets nailed badly, and then does the vulcan nerve pitch on Buford's thumb which knocks Buford out. Phineas wins on a fluke move and it's well within the rules. Also; they had a chance to book it with Phineas winning by DQ because Buford shoved him at the end which is a physical move which goes againest the rules of engagement. Either one would be fine; and then have Buford wake up and threaten Phineas again; only for Phineas to get hit with the ice cream and Buford turns babyface after that. That I could accept because Phineas stood up to the bully successfully. The way it was booked was Phineas failed and Buford still turned babyface anyway which makes no sense and makes the moral look worse than it already was. The ending was awesome though with Ferb; so there you go. An easy ****+ episode; and they missed it due to crappy booking for the finish.
As for Lights! Candace! Action!; the finish didn't make sense either and it insulted elders, it was not nearly as bad as Raging Bully's finish and the ending wasn't as good; but it still made me laugh somewhat. Actually; the real bad stuff didn't come from Phineas/Ferb/Candace as that was really funny and most of it was good; albeit sloppy as usual. It was the Doofensmirtz/Agent P segments which offended me here. This felt like a Johnny Test episode where the heel was a babyface and Agent P acted like Johnny Test; only Perry cannot speak which is an improvement. I mean; Monogram tells him to go to Doofensmirtz and break down his door despite the fact that Doofen legit didn't do anything wrong or illegal (outside the seesaw spot; but that wasn't done in malice though) throughout this. Perry vandalized Doof's door and violated his privacy and remember Perry is supposed to be the babyface, the side of right. That was really stupid and it was Perry eating the cheese like an asshole that turned Doofen heel; therefore it was Perry's fault. In fact; Doof gave fair warning to Perry about the cheese; and Perry still ate it all. That was supposed to turn Doof heel; but in effect, Doof was cool and I cheered for him to age the hell out of Agent P for being such a horrible guest. Overall; this was another good episode; but with a crappy Doof/Perry segment (which did have funny momenty in it; don't get me wrong). What more can I say? So tomorrow I'll finish the second DVD set with It's About Time which is a 22 minute episode; but one with a plotline that at least can be resolved in 22 minutes without padding. So....
Thumbs in the middle pointing up for Raging Bully and a thumbs in the middle for Lights! Candace! Action! and I'll see you all next time.