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The Battletoads Pilot: I Club Toads!

Reviewed: 03/26/2016

Clubbing One Of The Hardest NES Games Into A Sadism Pilot!

Welcome to Easter Sadism 2016 everyone! So after seeing Bubsy; I was dreading the Battletoads pilot because I felt that this could be better, but knew that it will be awful coming in. Battletoads is another video game series; only in the vein of Double Dragon in terms of brawling games; but with the cartoonish nature of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now; I have played and/or seen all of the Battletoads games and I can tell you this: They are better than Bubsy in every single area minus the level designs. Oh lord, I remember the level designs of the NES version of the game and the third level is one of the main reasons why I'm glad this series never really existed again. Battletoads was created by Rareware and published by Tradewest; the same guys who published the Double Dragon series. So much so that they combined the two brand together in a crossover series that was fine, but the awkward controls of Double Dragon didn't help all that much. Nowadays; there's no way I beat the first level of any of these games. My reflexes suck badly! Anyhow; I'm not going to review the video games, that's not why I am here. I'm here to review the brand's attempt to get on television and compete against the turtles with the pilot for an animated series. According to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Battletoads spun off a half-hour animated television special produced by Canadian DIC Entertainment, that aired in syndication in the United States on the weekend of Thanksgiving 1992 in an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (DiC would try this again later on by producing Street Sharks and then later Extreme Dinosaurs). However, only the pilot episode made it to the airwaves; it was never picked up as a full animated series, despite comic-style ads in GamePro magazine claiming otherwise. A VHS tape with the pilot was released in the United States on January 15, 1994. The story served as a prequel to the video game franchise. Set in Oxnard, California, it stars three junior high schoolers. The trio is given the ability to transform into anthropomorphic toads with superhuman strength and the ability to change their arms and legs into weapons in techniques called "Smash Hits". They are charged with protecting Professor T. Bird and Princess Angelica from the Dark Queen, who wants to steal Angelica's magical amulet for her plans of universal conquest. The cartoon was adapted and written by David Wise (Wise has no relation to the Battletoads video games composer of the same name, but was the main writer of the 1987 TMNT TV cartoon series). A comic with the backstory of Battletoads, written by Rare employee Guy Miller, was also published in Nintendo Power.

Personally; this sounds perfectly fine in theory, but when the finished product was shown on television; it sucked. I'll explain each problem as we go along; but seeing this made me say "This is an even bigger hot mess than the videogames." On the other hand; this was a case of the show mimicking the game in many ways. Sadly; they didn't stay faithful to the games at all; except for the toads, Professor T. Bird, Dark Queen and a few others. It felt like the old "We know better than a bunch of childish game developers, so this is how we'll develop this as a cartoon, because it's just for kids." Then they are surprised when the show fails. David Wise sabotaged a less crappy Mighty Ducks show four years later and that one ended David Wise's career until 2018, which goes to show you that having quality and responsibility do in fact mean a lot in this world. DiC Entertainment (now DHX Media; the guys behind Johnny Test and all those Canadian shows) isn't the worse company in the world (heck; their Sailor Moon dubs are all right, but they have since been swamped by the Viz dub of the same material); but they are far from Disney and Warner Brothers, so that's not a good sign either. Unlike Bubsy; I have more of an emotional attachment to the Battletoads because I was a boy who didn't know better and liked cartoonish style violence. I wasn't expecting a deep story and deep characters with this, I was expecting an alternative to the ninja turtles. On that level, they delivered. The problem is after watching this; the delivery was crappy beyond belief, with some cool moments marred by poor animation. So, the plot is basically an origin story to the Battletoads existing and on paper, it sounds perfectly fine; but in execution, it sucked. It felt like this was a pitch video that the execs simply put the pitch in the machine and let it run to a viewing audience as is instead of sending it back to the people saying: "We approve of the idea; but flesh it out a lot more and write it so it makes sense before we'll release it to the public." Bubsy had the opposite problem: They approved of the idea; and told them to flesh it out and the execs didn't care about what was in the final product in the end. So let's rant on shall we..?!

This pilot is written by David Wise and Phil Harnage. (Uh oh!) Apparently; Mr. Wise's returning to animation on a 2018 production called Pet Robots and I can only hope he has learned his lesson from 1997. The direction is done by Kent Butterworth. Since we are under Easter Sadism rules; I refuse to do tributes to any of the voices and crew since unlike the Bubsy pilot, all the voices are new to me. For those familiar to many of the Canadian productions, these voices are like second nature to them. To me, not so much. The animation was done by Sae Rom Animation and Plus One Animation. When Gargoyles is considered Disney Feature in comparison to this pilot; you have a problem.

Opening Moment #1: Imagine a bunch of footage with 1970's B-level rock and roll music. It's basically footage from the pilot and then they cut away to the next piece of footage with a crossfade each other. The song is all right as a knockoff and it tries to be good at least; but it fails. Last shot shows the three babyfaces behind a red background with the logo which the background changes to blue. Whatever. I should note that the toads look much ugiler than the artwork for the original NES game; and it looks like it's never sunny in the morning. It's either sunset skies or cloudy; and it felt that the animation was off in most of it. By the way; the phrase "I Club Toads!" is not the pilot's name; but a gag in the Battletoads comics where there is this human professor (Not Professor T. Bird) called Siles who is against the toads and takes pleasure in their pain and torment. He has a computer and on the side of the computer, there is a sticker that reads "I Club Toads"; only the "club" is a symbol seen in card games. So if anyone wants to know where "I Club BS&P!" comes from, now you know. Knowing is half the battle; the other half is knowing that your battle is still pointless in the grand scheme of things.

We begin this one in the stary skies in space. Curse you David the "SPACE" Wise! Yeah; I'm not giving David Wise an inch in this pilot. Pan left to the sun as a spaceship flies out and it looks like a Star Trek-equse ship that was formed into a bird. I have no idea why and I don't really care. The ship is being pelted with laser fire. We head inside the front of the ship; and it's basically empty with a wooden floor, bare blue walls and circular windows. There is ZERO design in this scene; it looks like a first month student animation film. There is a bird who looks like a Professor Buzz/Virgil knockoff (From Mighty Max, not Bubsy; hence another reason to call the Bubsy one Vrigin) who calls himself Professor T. Bird. (With red feathered hands) At first I thought it the middle inital meant "Thunder" as in Thunder bird; but I realized then that it really means "The" and thus is a giant middle finger. The blond in the blue dress is Princess Angelica who wears a magical amulet around her neck. This will become a plot device later in the episode; so remember that for later. Also of note: the control panel The Bird uses goes from white in the far shot to yellow with red knobs on the close up shot. Apparently; the lasers are firing from a spaceship and all hope is lost. Apparerntly; someone named The Dark Queen is after her amulet and Angelica is the last star child. TBird wants to head to the something something Nebula; and I don't care. It sounds like a cool name; but it has no context nor meaning. They go into an asteroid belt and we get some flashes of light. Cut to a shot of the grey spaceship shooting lasers and it looks like a turtle with three black circles on the side and a red orb in the front and back. So cut inside the control room with a black haired woman wearing a black bathing suit and a red cape, and she wants the amulet and the pricess. One of his brown colored cow furry subordinates wearing Greek style armor salutes her as he points out that they could lose them in the Nebula's electromagnetic field. Dark Queen insists that she will not get away. Already; in a matter of three seconds, Dark Queen is infinite more of a heel than Ally Cassandra could ever be.

Dark Queen is actually a really good heel with an actual motive that sounds heelish and everything. She also looks cool and she's the leader, and in the video game business at the time, it was a rare sight. At least in North America; although I'm sure it's a dime a dozen in Japan. Dark Queen's voice does require some work though; but at least the heel is cool. Most of Dark Queen's minions are nothings at this point; just a bunch of cows and pig furries in viking gear. We see the bird spaceship hide behind an asteroid as the Dark Queen laugh it up asking who will save them now since TBird is the only friend Angelica has left and he sucks. Hey; this is a much better start than the Bubsy pilot at least. So we get the flipping scene changer of doom and head to a classroom showing a human male with red curly hair wearing a green shirt and glasses as a male voice calls him Morgan Ziggler. Did Dolph Ziggler change his first name during his teenage years? (Actually no, because it's Ziegler according to canon.) The second male has purple crew cut hair and wearing clear shades, a black coat and an orange shirt and the male voice calls him Dave Shar and the third guy has blond hair and wears a red shirt; looking like a fat Barney Rubble only much taller. This name is George Pie. Not George Pi as in smart at math. George Pie as in lots of eating. This amused me. We discover that the guy at the desk is the principal of the school wearing his usual blue suit and tie with Arnold's football head shape; only vertically this time pounding on the desk proclaiming that these three guys are the biggest losers in the entire school called Waldo P. Oxnard Junior High. Apparently; there was a bottle of pills on the desk and it goes flying when the fist pounds on said desk. Okay; question: How did these three guys become the biggest loser in the entire school? What did they do to deserve this verbal beatdown? At least in modern cartoon; they actually showed the bad deeds. Why not show George Pie stealing the principal's pie and eating during math class in which they were talking about the symbol of pi. It's so simple and it took me thirty seconds to figure this joke out with a payoff. And have Morgan and Dave plan the whole thing out. Sure; it would still make the principal look like a unlikable heel; but at least it would make more sense than what they did here, which is nothing.

Dave Shar is the only character that looks remotely like a trouble maker; but he looks too goofy to be taken seriously as one. Then the principal invokes the pointy finger of death on them proclaiming that they are all a bad influence on each other. How exactly are they a bad influence on each other? We don't know! All the principal says is that they are going to be split up. How is that going to work? Is school the only time when they can socialize? Plus; if they were going to split them up during school hours, I would just say "Okay", walk out and meet my friends after school hours off school properly (well away from it I might add) just to spite this principal since there's no evidence that these three goofballs are even a bad influence to anyone, let alone themselves. Even Morgan is pointing out how stupid this idea is; and of course the principal isn't buying what they are selling. George hugs all three and nearly crushes them in the process. How are they bad influences on each other, again? Unless the principal thinks that crushing hugs are a bad influences on the bone structure, and George gave the principal a hug. That would at least give a crappy motive to the principal to his decision, instead of the alternative which is nothing of course. Basically; the principal tells them to stay away from each other and not to get within twenty yards of each other. This is the point I would ask: And what if I refuse? A good heel would then say: You're expelled from the school; or you will have detention. Or even better, you go to jail because it's a legit restraining order from the police. At least then; I will have an idea that they did something that broke the law But nope; the three babyfaces just say yes sir and walk out. Geez; these three are complete losers who cannot at least force the principal's hand in justifying his decisions. Still better than Bubsy by a mile because I do feel bad for these characters, but the booking for this isn't good. David Wise is proving again that he thinks kids will not notice little things. He couldn't be more wrong.

So we head outside to the basketball court and damn it to hell; the animation is worse than anything from the 1970's and 1980's. At least in the 1970's and 1980's; resources and heavy handedness could be used as an excuse. But not in the 1990's when much better quality stuff was being made and making a lot of money. The three babyfaces walk in and if the principal wanted them separated; why not just hire students to make sure the court order was executed properly? It means nothing because seconds later; George and company hold hands and then George simply walks onto the basketball court alone as the other two walk away stage right. Just like that. Of course George Pie is called a toad by one of the blond hair thin students. George sounds like Mikey from TMNT; only fatter. So George steals the basketball and despite being over three hundred pounds; he has speed and strength as he bowls over everyone (committing offensive foul after offensive foul) and then slam dunks the basketball, destroying the rim, baksetball net and every student on the court. Geez; principal, maybe there is a fatal flaw in your plan. Unless of course; you wanted them to be separated so you can expel them after they become a bad influence on everyone else, instead of just themselves as a three man band. That would be very heelish of you. The blond student calls him a toad for the second time. Later on as you will see, that insult will soon become reality (no, not really; but in that reality, yes.) So we head inside the art room with the most generic artwork being painting on easels. Dave is behind a blond haired art teacher as we see someone reading a paper with an image of a football game reading "Big Game Tomorrow". And then it's basically repeated by the arts teacher. Dave thinks the posters are too wimpy and he sounds like Ralph, only with much worse fashion sense. So Dave takes a piece of paper and paints on it shows a green devil with red horns and yellow thunderbolts. Wow; that looks demonically creative for someone with no fashion sense.

So George is actually a good basketball player who doesn't know his own strength to hold back enough not to foul and cause destruction to basketball rims and Dave is a good artist who doesn't know how to target his audience properly. That actually builds sympathy for them because they aren't losers; they just need guidance. In which the principal doesn't care about. The blond haired teacher (red tank top and jeans) calls it almost as ugly as Dave himself (Oh come on now!) and smashes it over Dave's head ala Baloo and Louie smashing the map over the woman's head in For Whom The Bell Klangs Part Two. Wonder if that teacher saw the same show? That wouldn't surprise me. The teacher storms off and Dave blows her off asking her about fine art as everyone laughs. Somehow a bucket of purple paint launches out of nowhere and Dave gets ducked. Isn't that assault with a weapon there, teacher? Geez; I feel bad for Dave now. So we head inside a lifeless room with a table, papers and a Commodore VIC 20 computer which is a nice easter egg since Rareware, the creator of Battletoads, also created Jet Pac for VIC 20. So someone did some research for a change. Yeah; it's a throwaway spot, but it's a spot that makes sense, even though it's ten years behind the technology in 1992/1993. Three students are looking at Morgan and not looking amused as Morgan is pleading for a brown haired man wearing a yellow shirt, blue pants and sneakers wanting to help them, because he is supposed to be Donnie from TMNT of this group. So who plays the role of Leo in this outfit? Damn; I'm confused now. Morgan whines; although it's not as bad as the main kid in Fluppy Dogs, it still sounds annoying and more inexcusable when Morgan is supposed to be a teenager. Now this kid does ask the obvious reasonable question: What have you ever organized in your life? The problem is; the teenager said it sounding sarcastic, as if he is dismissing him out of hand. Morgan is caught with his pants down in a figure of speech since he's stammering like an idiot.

Yeap; it's Donnie; only with Cadpig's psychobabble in sounding deep, but being very shallow. I'm certain it's better than Carly Shay from iCarly; but that isn't saying much. Morgan sits down at the computer as the other teenager gets up. Oh; so Morgan is Leo now because he wants to be a great leader. So he types on the computer and the computer simply blows up, turning the computer into three pieces. I heard of computers crashing; but blowing up? How can that be Morgan's fault? It has to be some defect in the computer. Now if Morgan had created the computer, then I would be pissed off; but he didn't, so I feel sorry about his bad luck. Of course the students groan and the black student taunts him (I think he's the only one in the entire school) on the way out. Morgan foolishly holds the monitor, it slips out of his hands and it shatters. His glasses nearly fall off. I should also note that if this was booked better, everyone would be calling them toads; but only George was called that insult twice. So even the writers think this running gag is not worth jackhammering the point home; even though, it makes more sense than Bubsy's catchphrase later on. So we get a circle into the camera scene changer and head on some rocky planet somewhere as TBird's spaceship has already landed. Pan west to a some tower which looks really badly drawn like the rest of the animation. Then we head inside the tower as the walls are green instead of orange. There is a melting ankh in the foreground along with some stairs and a statue as T. Bird is feeling the walls and Angelica is complaining about coming here. So would you rather be a slave to the Dark Queen then Angelica? T. Bird pushes on the wall and it moves, but he falls down on his face. T. Bird calls the place unpleasant; but this tomb contains the key to beating the Dark Queen as we head inside the tomb as there is a bottle which has a toad face on top and looks like something made on How's It's Made; only the artwork made it look bad. Quality control, my ass! Inside the bottle contains the essence of the genetics of the Battletoads. So wait; does that mean, the stuff inside is the remains of the previous Battletoads? That's disgusting.

I know this because T. Bird points out that they are the ancestors that were wiped out eons ago. Geez; this make the toxic waste the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles suffered look like Greenpeace approved in comparison. So, T. Bird wants to use the remains of these Battletoads to create a new generation of Battletoads to defeat the Dark Queen and her minions. As disgusting as this sound; at least the storyline makes sense. Then we get crumbling and rumbling in the tomb because the spaceship outside (conveniently; the side wall crumbled to show us this for all to see. Nice one guys.) has been destroyed. Take one guess who is behind this. Angelica gives it away instantly and here comes the Dark Queen's spaceship shooting it's purple lasers. The tower/tomb gets destroyed; but somehow the tower doesn't implode. BS&P rules I guess as T. Bird proclaims that they need to find voluteers. Now if I was booking; I would say: Why not just have Angelica and yourself become the Battletoads and kick the Dark Queen's ass? Apparently; you need THREE jacked up toxic males who are a bunch of losers in order to make this plotline work. Never mind that Angelica being a battle toad would be awesome to watch and she would prove that she's not a helpless princess who needs to leech onto an old male bird furry just to live on. Plus; this is their problem, not the problem of THREE jacked up toxic males! So T. Bird brings out a pen and clicks on it to show a stick; which projects an image of the solar system. Okay; that was pretty neat at least. So T. Bird concludes that planet Earth is the place to go because it's so ass backwards that the Dark Queen forgot to conquer it. Geez Dark Queen; don't you look stupid now? More laser shooting as the heels' spaceship lands on the planet. The ship door opens and out comes a giant lime green rat with purple mohawk and a black singlet with a radiation symbol on the front; whom I believe is Scuzz from the Battletoads Arcade, only in different color fur and clothes. The pig earlier on talking to the Dark Queen is Admiral Oink by the way.

There is a yellow rat furry wearing a doo rag and red trunks, I have no idea who he is. It's guessing it's Big Blag, but he's completely strayed away from his game design if that is true. (It's Gonnad I do believe now.) The third looks like a purple peanut with a top hat and arms; I have zero idea what it is because we cut back to T. Bird and Angelica before we can officially see him. So basically T. Bird creates a portal to Oxnard, California which is the animal friend of Bucksnort, Tennesse, I guess. They go through the portal which looks like a octogon and closes up as I discover the purple peanut is really another rat furry. I'm guessing that's Big Blag and Gonnad is the yellow one. The smack into the wall like complete idiots because the portal closes at least a good ten seconds after they made it; so they could have stopped. They're dizzy, who cares? Scene changer and we head to a sign that welcomes us to Oxnard, California; gateway to Camarillo. Sadly; this is not an in joke since both cities do exist in real life. I'm sure that they are nice cities; but it's impossible for me to care about anyone there because I don't know anyone from there. So we head to a convenience store named "Stop & Scarf"; and it better sell snow mufflers; or this is just another pointless random pun name joke that makes no sense. We head inside and literally; the artwork is more lifeless than Bubsy's ever was. Seriously; I couldn't tell the floors from the walls here. It looks so lazy. So Morgan is playing video games and waxing about real life being one. Not a good idea at all, Morgan. Also; as I predicted, Morgan is with George and Dave; so yes, they basically told the principal to suck it basically. Not that it matters because there's no evidence that they are in fact a bad influence on each other. Quite frankly; they aren't much of a bad influence on others either. George is the only one that is remotely dangerous and Morgan's exploding computer cannot be his fault. Dave still think despite all this; they would still be the three biggest losers in the universe. I doubt that very seriously. Internet geeks might be worse on that scale.

We get flashing lights and out comes T Bird and Angelica who just come out to no animation. Okay; you have already proven your point that you do not care, so do yourselves a favor and start actually caring about it before the execs tell you to take a hike. They stare at each other as Morgan proclaims that they sure make these games realistic. Yeah, sure they do. One of them looks like a bird furry from TaleSpin, only without the quality control. There is a black man at the counter reading the newspaper not watching and not giving a damn about any of this even though everything T. Bird said sounds like something the government should be checking on. Angelica claims that they are the most noble, smart and human member of their race. That made me laugh. The three males look confused; and I say: I would take the deal. It cannot be any worse than being yelled at by everyone on Earth. Besides; someone has to save the world from itself. Morgan loves it and it's comsically cosmic according to George Pie. Dave proclaims that they'll do it for T. Bird and so T. Bird brings out the bottle which is basically called "Essence Of Battletoads" which is not much worse than Axe Hair Spray I guess. He sprays the green liquid onto the three jacked up males and they are grossed out. Geez; so much for being subtle. Why not just give them three glasses of green liquid in a cup. Why do you have to spray it on them? I realize that this happened to the turtles in TMNT, but seriously. The turtles being mutants in TMNT was an accident. This was no accident. There is a lot of sparkling and they magically change into three toad anthros in the same vein as four ninja turtles. Only these three toads are losers, I guess. Dave Shar is the dark green toad with shades on, Morgan is the lighter green toad and George Pie is the brown toad. I will give the creators of these characters credit: Unlike TMNT; I can tell these three apart much easier than I could with the turtles because in TMNT, they used the same teenage character and used colored masks to tell them apart which is like the nephews from Ducktales; in which if they take those clothes off, you wouldn't have any idea who is who.

Here; the color of their skin tells them apart and it's cannot be taken off; so it's much easier and they actually put a slightly bigger effort into them. Granted, the animation and artwork suck worse than TMNT; but the character designer isn't totally out to lunch and did one up TMNT in one area. And quite frankly; they need all the help they can get at this point. George claims that this wasn't part of the deal and T. Bird claims it was. Maybe if you had just told them that they would become the Battletoads with this liquid beforehand. The power of misinformed consent everyone and why persons under eighteen years so can't give such consent, informed or otherwise. George is not amused because now they'll literally be called toads by their class mates. So we head to the slurpee machine and apparently, it appears that Admiral Oink is literally inside the machine as his arm comes out (check the color; I'm not fooled.). Question: How did the heels get into this world? They bring in a Psyko Pig and I just realized that the brown arm is not Admiral Oink, it's General Slaughter. For goodness sakes DiC; there's a good reason why you don't change character designs for the sake of trying to be kid friendly. I can understand changing Dark Queen's dominatrix outfit for obvious reasons; but changing her henchmen's design just confuses Battletoads fans and those designs are not nearly close to being an improvement. So stop it already! Oh; and the Dark Queen enters. I have zero idea who the yellow helmet tusked pig in the red shirt is. T. Bird orders them to defend the princess now; but Morgan no sells and wants reasons to defend the princess after they got turned into toads. Dark Queen grabs Angelica and Angelica screams for help. I could think of one obvious reason there you moron! Angelica struggles in Dark Queen's arms and it's comical to say the least. Morgan has had enough and all three losers run in and then stop calling Dark Queen a lady. Dark Queen instantly addresses them as the Battletoads. Wait; how does she know who they are?

So then we get one of those spots that both angers and amuses me all at the same time: So Dark Queen asks what trickery is this as Morgan grabs an ice box named "Freez-O". The name is amusing in itself; but it gets even better and worse at the same time: Morgan throws the freezer and everyone except Angelica successfully bail in various directions causing ANGELICA to get squashed by the freezer. I am not making this up! That is exactly what happens! Oh; and the freezer door opens and Angelica is in the freezer unharmed and being a chocolate ice treat. This amuses me because it is so stupid because if Angelica cannot be crushed by a freezer (in the same way Dumptruck cannot be crushed by a piano); but it angers me because this is literal version of fridging the woman character. I never thought any cartoon would pull that off; but maybe I should reconsider my standards again like I always do at this rate. Dave calls this superhero city (More like sexism gone to literal lengths methinks.) and runs in; giving us the big gimmick that the Battletoads have. This gimmick is so crass and laughable, and yet; it's a great way to differenate between the Battletoads and TMNT: Dave's fist grows bigger than his body and it's called the "Eat My Fist". So yes; the gimmick of the turtles was that they were believable fighting ninjas who were grounded in reality; while the Battletoads are basically losers who have superpowers that make them grow stuff on their bodies in a cartoonish fashion. That's two things Battletoads had going for them. Sadly; one of them was not "Make an NES game that's gameplay wasn't broken"; but eh. Oh; and logic break time: There are FOUR pigs instead of two running towards him. Somehow, only three go flying past General Slaughter. I'm sorry; but DiC wussifed him so much that I cannot take him seriously as any threat in this cartoon. Neither does George and he proclaims that life is like one basketball game. This would have worked a lot better if he was throwing a large sphere fruit of any kind. Or better yet; a pumpkin. Nope; George Pie is throwing a watermelon at him.

Memo to David Wise: This is exactly why you got exiled from cartoons in 1997 and were never seen since until recently. Needless to say; Slaughter gets the melon in the face and flies off-screen into the shelf as there are the only two pig from the beginning of the shot. Continuity? What continuity? That's for wimps, man!The babyfaces laugh at the heels as Slaughter spits watermelon seeds. Yes; they do not care about the fact that Angelica almost got killed by a freezer. Of course; this begs the question: If Angelica cannot die by crushing, then why not have her kick Dark Queen's ass? She obviously is strong enough to take a freezer; so why get kidnapped so easily? What a bunch of sexist, lazy writers? Oh; and we're back to four pigs now. Also; even with all this destruction; where the hell is the clerk at the counter? Are they also implying that blacks are lazy in this show? It was bad enough in a pilot like this from a racist standpoint; but we don't need Cyborg from Teen Titans Go stealing those ideas. (Remember the Return Of Slade when he responded to Robin's serious announcement to tell him to just call the police. Forget the whole "superheroes call other superheroes" rule for a moment; because it's actually worse when you consider that it's Cyborg saying it. The writers are not high Mr. Enter; they are lazy bigots.) George grabs the spout of the slurpee machine (Jeepers; I thought I was watching Fanboy & Chum Chum for a second there.) and sprays it as the pigs slide past General Slaughter once again. Yawn. Then we get yet another stupid continuity error: Morgan goes to the counter to find a bottle of nacho cheese and squirts it on General Slaughter; and the clerk doesn't notice it at all. Slaugher slides over to Dark Queen, salutes her and then complains about the weapons being too much for them, effectively burying the heels in one fell swoop. Amazing how a grounded in reality show like TaleSpin did a much better job in making strong heels and not burying them in their first appearance. Then we discover that the Dark Queen had apparently stolen T. Bird's teleportation cane because she uses it to create a portal and the heels all go through it and escape. How? I don't know.

Dark Queen does the standard "I lost the battle; but the war has just begun" speech and then goes into the portal and disappears. Now; if this were a pilot to show to the execs in a company to get the show approved for a run, then I would end the episode around here because I got my point across to them. I would certainly not put this on television in it's current state and I would make a huge number of modifications so it's closer to the video games. If I was an exec, I would say: I like the idea, but this requires a lot of editing and changes to make it work on television to a viewing audience. Go back and see what you can do with it and then come back to me and pitch the idea again. Heck; The Adventures Of Teddy Ruxpin television series was much more faithful to the doll than this show will ever be; and it was kind of a mess in animation, but it was much better animated than this garbage. Of course; no one selling this pilot took that into consideration and not only did they air the first nine minutes of this pilot; they made it into a 22 minute episode without making sure that it went through the quality filter. It's sad too; because unlike Bubsy, Battletoads would have worked. I'm not saying that it would be better than TMNT; but it would have been great as competition towards them and maybe force the creators of TMNT to step up their game more. But no; instead, we get a hot mess that isn't even half over now! So T. Bird praises them for their courage and Angelica uses the ice treat to dub them her royal knights. Now the names she gives them are: Morgan is now known as Zitz, Dave is now known as Rash and George -- whose last name is Pie -- is called Pimple. Wow; George got a more generic name when he was knighted. That's a slap in the face by Angelica; although it was Morgan who threw the freezer onto her in the first place. So yes; they are named after skin conditions. I guess Wart was trademarked by Nintendo after all. What a shocker? I'm guessing this was to make Battletoads seem less of a clone than TMNT; but considering that the Battletoads premise is similar to the television version of TMNT during the 1980's, that is a huge hill to climb.

Morgan thinks she's putting them on. Nope Morgan; she's serious because she sucks at booking names. Dave calls them the most rude names in the history of rude names. But that's what the kids love, Dave. Ask any exec about it. (And no, I don't agree.) However; Dave accepts the name anyway. Of course they do; because somehow, being called a toad would be a bigger insult. T. Bird then reveals another difference over TMNT: The Battletoads can change back to humans and vice versa at anytime. Geez; can you say "OH MY GOD" Gizmoduck promo; only it requires remembering two lines instead of one. The babyfaces love it and with no build nor even asking how to pull it off; they touch fists and say "Let's be normal!" and they turn back to Dave Shar, Morgan Zigiler and George Pie. How in the world did they know about this? T. Bird NEVER told them this is how to change back. Even ten seconds of T Bird saying "Say "Let's be normal!" changes you back to humans and "Let's get warty!" changes you into Battletoads." would have suffice. It's a mere ten seconds and if that is boring, then don't have them change back then. Have them stay as Battletoads forever then. Again; just because you are writing to kids doesn't mean logic and reason get thrown out the window. Kids don't care either way; but you the writer are an adult. You are supposed to care. Even if it's for a paycheque; because the quality of your scripts does play into future employment plans. David Wise didn't learn that lesson until 1997 and he's still paying the price for it. So the babyfaces love it and geek out so to speak. So we head to outside a beach house with an outhouse in the back. If this is Oxnard, California; why is there a pit toilet in the side of the building? What, no indoor plumbing in California? That makes no sense. So we head inside the living room with Morgan, Dave, George, T. Bird, and Angelica talking to a black man. I swear to god; he is the exact same man as the clerk; only in different clothes. At least this guy has a name and he is apparently the babyfaces' human teacher Mr. Thorpen (?sp) and is their favorite teacher.

Basically; they ask him if he can let Angelica and T. Bird spend the night there until they figure out what to do next. A closeup shot reveals that he looks very different in design from the clerk; so it's lazy animation, not bigotry after all. Thorpen has a mustache and beard; and he decides that he's in no mood for jokes. Yeah; he has accepted T. Bird without any signs of shock or surprise. This amuses me because it proves that TMNT has probably influenced this man and thus seeing a talking, walking bird isn't shocking or evil to him. T. Bird is rubbing the television set for no reason that I can think of. So the babyfaces decide to show off their powers to him and they do their "OH MY GOD" promo to change into Battletoads. Let's get warty! Yeah; whatever make you happy, you emotionally charged eight year old in a thirty five year old body writer. After that; Thorpen falls back on the chair and is shocked. So he accepts T. Bird; but is shocked at mutant toads? What bullcrap this is?! Scene change as we head outside (with the Dark Queen around; this is a bad idea) as Thorpen proclaims that they can stay for as long as they need. Which if this television series made it past the pilot stage; it would have been at least 65 episodes. Angelica and T Bird are outside as Thorpen walks stage left; and in comes George, Dave and Morgan with a box of narly knick knacks and various other randomly random items. Oh swell; now I'm talking like a 1990's kid. That's horrifying. They throw out clothes and T. Bird takes a shoe in the head for good measure. Dave gives T. Bird the most absurd giant boom box he could find that still looked lifeless. Then it's the surfboard from George as T. Bird is now Kit Cloudkicker in the spot where he's forced to carry Baloo's stuff literally like someone who bumps for a hundred guys. Only; T. Bird is as bland as tofu without flavoring at this point. I did laugh when George gave T. Bird some organic bean sprouts. As opposed to just bean sprouts? At least George was considerate in giving T. Bird sun tan lotion; because sun burn is deadly on bird if you get where I'm going with this. T. Bird falls on his ass as Morgan and Dave bring in a pink cadillac.

Wow; for a bunch of losers, they sure have a lot of money. Maybe throwing money at a problem is grounds for separation by the principal. George pushes from the rear as the hood is open; because Morgan would like T. Bird to check out the engine to see if he can fix it. You can pretty much guess the next booking spot without continuing to watch: T. Bird turns the pink cadillac into a flying machine. I know this because we saw the thing in the opening credits flying. At least this was given a build up; but they still couldn't be bothered to take ten seconds of their time to explain how to change Id's?! Really?! Morgan points out that the most important thing is money; which he spells out as apparently; one of the side effects of the "Essence of Battletoads" is being able to write in the air, like a green money symbol. Uh oh! Do use it too much Morgan, or it'll be "Luck 'O' The Ducks" in Ducktales all over again. So someone has to do the job; and T. Bird proclaims that he'll handle it. The males remind him that he's an alien talking bird and no one will ever give him a job. Wildwing called and he says you are full of crap there toads. Besides; T. Bird can always moonlight as a mascot for one of the local college sport teams when being a scientist doing work for the school. And wouldn't you know it; Oxnard College not only has a basketball team, they are called the Condors. This is just great, folks. Someone actually paid attention in storyline. Too bad the animation team didn't get the same memo. So the hood slams on T. Bird's head and we scene change to a donut shop called "Scarf'N Donuts." I hope they sell scarves here too; because then at least the pun names are not randomized. Then we go inside as a donut maker in work clothes comes in with a a tray of treats and puts them on the counter. I then sadly discover that Princess Angelica is going to be a waitress wearing a tank top with white apron, black shorts, red shoes and a red bow in her hair. Dave then gets mad because she is only making mininum wage. Angelica doesn't seem to care and I ask: There's no timetable set for Angelica and T. Bird to leave; so why are you complaining about making $4.75 an hour?

Apparently; being a princess is supposed to earn you more money. Angelica is hardly demanding, so Dave just comes off as a whiner. Funny little moment: Angelica calls him Rash; which is wrong since he's Dave now, however; she doesn't know that his real name is Dave because he never gave out his name. So Angelica and the baker have a talk and accepts the offer. So the baker finds a box and tells her to pack the donuts. Angelica grabs a jelly donut and there's no way she would have been able to squeeze that hard from the animation to cause the jelly to splatter on her. The baker is angry; and Angelica profusely apologizes for it, like she's sorry she thought this cartoon was a good idea. Scene change back to the beach house outside as T. Bird is fixing the pink cadillac. Oh sure, why not? T. Bird is now wearing shoes for no reason. Why bother with them if you aren't going to get a job outside of being at the beach house. So the babyfaces exchange notes for a while about the "Kiss My Fist" gimmick as T. Bird goes underneath the engine. You know; if they wanted to go for the obvious pink Thunderbird gag; then the thing should have a roof over it. So we see inside the beach resort that the machines there are bouncing around. Why? Why not?! T. Bird instantly sees this as the Dark Queen and her train coming out of the washer and dryer. How? How not?! So we get warty as the heels go outside as the animators still cannot make up their minds on how many pig heels are supposed to be in various shots. Slaughter The Marvel Cow proclaims that they are going to squeeze a pimple, scratch a rash and pop a zitz. First of all; Zitz and Pimple are the exact same thing. Second; shouldn't the insult be: Pop a pimple, thrash the rash and zip the zitz. This is a bad joke as a pig, rat and pig in yellow helmet rush in after inflating what appears to be statelite dishes or badly drawn air balloons. This actually ends the segment 12 and a half minutes in believe it or not.

After the commercial break; and the voice carries over into the black slug; so that was sloppy. We return with the henchmen running in with satelite dishes; so one again, the animators are worse lazyboners from Sir Tuxford. The dishes shoot lasers as the heels want to stomp on some toads as George dodges and goes down the steps with forward rolls as the yellow helmet pig follows him. More laser dodging as Zitz tries to hide behind a table; but it gets destroyed. Pimple and Rash hide underneath the pink cadillac and where's T. Bird? Rash wants to pump up; and so he gets up and runs in changing his fists to cymbals. Oh sure, why not? He calls them full metal earmuffs which when you put thought into this statement; it actually makes sense as a weapon. Rash swoops down and smashes the first satelite dish with the cymbals and once again, the voices match the mouth flaps; but the sound effects timing is way off by two seconds. You may be a pilot; but you are not Bubsy the pilot. Get over yourselves, show. Pimple hops down and calls him a bad toad as he hops south east and then comes back west as his fists are now a bulldozer. If this was better animated, this would look really cool; which makes me wonder if the execs intentionally sabotaged this brand by rushing it on television without at least seeing the pitch idea for it. That blocks lasers. Logic break: Pimple says "Kiss My Fist" and the fist comes up; but it's has a black glove on it despite the fact that in the video game, it's a bare knuckle. Big Bad Boot is supposed to have the foot become a boot. DUMB! Speaking of dumb: General Slaughter is basically shaking T. Bird as if T. Bird is an old man being shaken by his grandkids for money. So Slaughter demands to know where Angelica is; but T. Bird no sells. However; the Videoscope Teleportation device (now a golf club) falls onto the ground. Wait; didn't Dark Queen already steal that? Second; if they had it beforehand, why not just use it to locate Angelica? It's not like she did a good job disguising herself at the donut shop. This show is beyond stupid now. T. Bird tries to grab it; but Slaughter swipes it away because this is the Dark Queen's property. So there were two of them?

So we see Zitz dodging lasers and hiding behind rocks and the perch for the lightguard on the beach. They both get destroyed of course. At least here; it's the heels damaging people's properties with inpunity, so I'm perfectly fine with them booking this spot. More cosmic talking from George Zitz Pie as he turns his fist into a tomahawk hammer. Again; these spots on paper are cool, but the animation is killing the coolness off quite a bit. Zitz destroys the satelite dish and the heel runs away stage left like a coward. Like I said before; the music in this scene is b-level 1970's beach music. So we head back to the donut shop with Angelica talking to a balding old man wearing a yellow shirt paying money for a box of donuts and something in a paper bag; probably a muffin. So Angelica is making change and out of the donut maker comes the Dark Queen and two more of her henchmen. I don't care which ones; it's not like I can tell who is who on the heel side outside of General Slaughter and even his character design was changed a lot. Angelica gets chased by the henchmen; goodness knows why as the old man grabs his goodies, growls and leaves. Not in that order mind you; but close enough. The henchmen literally grab her off-screen seconds later as Dark Queen uses the golf club teleport device so there are either two of them; or they just stole T. Bird's one which should have already been stolen. Damn; my head hurts. Not nearly as bad as Bubsy; but still hurts pretty bad. Of course, the Dark Queen declares that she has won and Angelica proclaims that the Battletoads will save her and she will not get away with this. Memo to Dark Queen: GET HER IN THE PORTAL! To hell with the damn victory speech; Angelica is trying to buy time for the Battletoads to find you. One of the heels leaves with a stack of goodies for good measure; and that one amused me at least. Back to T. Bird as General Slaughter and T. Bird are playing tug of war with the golf club device. How did that happen? So we never got to see the heat segment end with T. Bird making the babyface comeback? I am watching Impact!

Then we hear Dark Queen's voice telling Slaughter to call off the attack. Slaughter then breaks the golf club device as I wonder: This sounds smart; but stealing the device would have been better because then he can use the device to get back to the Dark Queen instead of having the God of the Gaps to magically go home. This is what happens when you stop caring about logic and reason; and this is the sort of thing that kids will turn on. Because they are not that dumb.Oh; but it gets even dumber (and no; the out of nowhere skull and crossbones animation is not a problem) as Slaughter signals for a retreat and magically produces a third teleportation device. What?! I thought there were only two of them? STUPID! The portal opens, everyone escapes; yee-haw. And the toads run in as one of them says "Don't come back". Like that is supposed to work on heels; they always come back. T. Bird doesn't think this was a squash because it might have been a ruse. Geez; you don't say?! The toads then deduce that if they were found so easily; then they would easily find the princess. Except that they already did find her and kidnapped her. Also; another problem: If you are going to book this as a pre-quel to the games; shouldn't one of the Battletoads also be kidnapped as well? Granted; the reason in the NES game that Pimple was kidnapped was because there was no way the NES could allow more than two players since they had only two controller slots. SNES had the same problem; but the so-called Multi-Tap relieved that problem somewhat. Here; they just have Angelica kidnapped, thus reducing Angelica into another damsel in distress; and damn it to hell, we have way too many of those stories in cartoons and video games as it is. At least the main heel is a woman, but it's still missing a main babyface as a woman who isn't helpless and clueless. So Morgan asks about getting through the galaxy without a teleportation device and T. Bird's solution: You guessed it. It's the pink cadillac which he now called the Toadster. Geez; that is pretty sad and lame at the same time.

T. Bird gets into the driver seat as the toads jump in. One of them calls T. Bird a nut because the thing has three flat tires. This would have been fine if we actually SAW then pop during the battle; but no such thing occured. This is the definition of "details are too expensive, natch" exec thinking. T. Bird made some modifications to the car; which includes a glass dome over the car and the fact that the thing can in fact fly into space. I should note that the license plate says "57 Bird"; which I think means that the pink cadillac is a 1957 Thunderbird. The small details here are nice; but they are overshadowed by major bad booking issues at this point. The car launches in space and of course the tire are inflated again on the far shot when it takes off. So we flash a lot of lights and sparkles because pretty lights are cool to kids, even though in the wrong conditions, they can induce seizures. Scene changer ensue and we head to a ice rock colored planet somewhere in space as we see a crappy artwork of a castle and then pan east to see the flashing light and sparkle effects rearing their ugly heads again. Out comes the Toadster as they are near Uranus for some reason. Cut to inside the cockpit as we see T. Bird looking at the radar at a red beeping light which he deduces that Angelica is being held prisoner there. So the dome opens and the toads jump out at the base of the generator tower. So they have to get in and destroy the source of her power. At least that's what T. Bird said; I don't know how this helps Angelica but whatever. I should also point out that a side effect of being a Battletoad is being transparent in far shots at random points; and I don't think it's because the animators are lazy. Also; a buff of being a Battletoad is being able to breathe in space too. So; good to know. Rash turns his foot into an axe and slices the wall open to create a door. Again; this looks cool on paper; but the animation ruins it as usual. Oh; and the sound effects timing is way off as usual. Same thing with Zitz's anvil kick move: Cool, ruined by the animation and sound effect editors. So they head inside and there is a pink spinning column with yellow poles attached to them.

Somehow; we hear T. Bird's voice and it doesn't double over for some reason. The toads have to climb up the spiral poles (which by the way is part of the NES video game; which sort of messes up the continuity of this being a pre-quel) and of course they ask why and T. Bird's answer is because they are legendary heroes. Better answer: To advance the plot. So the toads climb up the yellow poles and get about halfway onto a gap in the pillar. Then we get a scene changer and somehow; the design makes it as if the heels are on the bottom floor; with no sign of a hole to climb up to the next floor. DUMB! So we see Dark Queen and her henchmen preparing something as Angelica is chained up against a steel wall like table. Dark Queen claims that Angelica surrender the thing peacefully because the magic will not save you. So we skip the whole "Dark Queen tries to grab the amulet; but it shocks her" spot? I realize that simply demanding the amulet is heelish on it's own; but there is no reason to do that unless there is no other way for her to make Angelica part with the amulet. Angelica of course no sells the deal; so Slaughter brings in the satellite dish (I'm guessing it's the one that Pimple did not break earlier) and chuckles because frying her with lasers is funny. Well; to monster heels anyway, which at least makes sense. Then somehow; the writers found a way out of their logic break: The toads cut a hole through the floor with one of the toads using his fist as an axe. So good job there guys. He also turns his axe into a fist and tackles down Slaughter as Pimple and Zitz surround the Dark Queen. Yeah; it's two on one, advantage babyfaces and her heel group is mostly taking a smoke break here. Except for Slaughter, who was tackled down in a fair fight. This is the showdown and the Dark Queen decides to finally fight the Battletoads after all. So she turns into a Dark Queen tornado; which is cooler than anything on this show. This is still better than Bubsy by a country mile; and that isn't saying much at all once again. Dark Queen bounces the toads off of her; meaning she beatdown two jacked up babyfaces in less than thirty seconds.

More cartoon spots ensue as Slaughter get woken up by one of the dizzy stars anthroing itself and pouring water from an out of nowhere steel bucket. Of course! Slaughter rushes Rash like the bull crap character that he is. See what I did there? Rash responds by turning his fist into a matdor's cape and remembers that the movement of the cape dictates the emotion of the bull. Wow; this show can be good when it knows what to do. Sadly; it doesn't know most of the time. This ends with the cape turning into an anvil and Slaughter takes a sick, sick bump off of it. I see Rash has been watching his Bugs Bunny tapes for the last couple of months. Maybe that's a reason why the principal is so mad at those losers. Slaughter goes flying and then we get a bizzare telescope shot of Rash taking his shades off and cuts a promo. Why they needed a telescope shot is a mystery to me as the other toads get bounced again by the DQ tornado. Dark Queen; in spite of all the problems with this pilot, is still a really cool monster heel here and it goes to show you that sex appeal wasn't the only thing she had in her resume. Then we get the fatal error of the episode for her: The toads get the lightbulb of bloody clarity and realize that the pink shaft with yellow poles are an energy source. So the toads have a full metal mayhem idea in store as they bail. They return with the satelite dish laser the heels were going to use on Angelica (who has since disappeared from the scene for no reason) and aims it at the shaft. Dark Queen then suddenly stops her tornado and just stands there screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Memo to Dark Queen: Use your tornado as a hurricane attack and blow them away. Then destroy the laser. Easy. This makes her look like a complete idiot. So the shaft is destroyed and I should note that Dark Queen has the worst scream I have ever heard. It sounds like the voice of Tanya from Mighty Ducks, only worse. So the tower is destroyed of course as Angelica is magically off the table and free. So they also skipped the "free Angelica from the table" spot. Geez; if you spent less time trying to make them look like poor man's TMNT and focused on writing a logical script and increase the pacing, this would have been decent as hell. As it is, it's just hell.

So the babyfaces jump onto the roof of the tower with ease as Zitz is waving to T. Bird to get them off the roof as the Toadster flies in. The toads and Angelica jump down from the roof and land perfectly into the car with absolutely zero suspense whatsoever. The Toadster flies away as the tower/castle completely explodes. Dark Queen and company climb out from the carnage and Dark Queen's face and hair say the whole story. Slaughter blames the toads; of course like a heel would. Dark Queen tackles him down and blows him off because she will muster the last of her power and...I cannot tell what she said at the end. Wiz Saul? What the hell does that mean? Anyhow; we return back to Earth with the most crappy drawings of buildings ever. It looks like something I would draw; looking without any volume whatsoever. We head inside as the principal is inside the office making a large sandwich like something out of Scooby Doo, only it's too reasonable to be taken as a joke. Apparently; there are banners being hung up and painted outside. I discover that it's the babyfaces hanging the banners; and then we hear crashing noises and complaining as the goofballs fall to the ground in a heap destroying the ladders and banners in the process. I guess bad influence is an excuse phrase for being clumsy. The students laugh; but it's not funny. When the heel principal is the one agreeing with us, that's not good. Of course; we all know this means that they violated his orders, but damn it to hell if I care about his orders when there's no evidence of them being a bad influence. Being clumsy and awkward is not bad on it's own. George Pie's reckless basketball playing can be dangerous; but that can be easily reeled in. They need guidance, not seperation. So the principal suspends them. Oh yeah; that'll show those three losers the error of their ways. Morgan points out how this is all bullcrap (and it really is); but of course the losers screw it up by being full of themselves. I betcha the principal doesn't care and wouldn't care even with evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt. So the principal threatens the Oxnard State Instution. Wait; what? For being full of themselves? Jeepers; if that is the case, the principal should commit himself to that place because he sucks even at THAT. So the babyfaces decide to make an example out of him by cutting their "OH MY GOD" promo and turn into toads.

The principal turns out is parnoid and calls them evil freaks. He demands that the police be called in right now; and the students do absolutely nothing of note. So panic whatsoever, so that implies that even they think the principal is full of it. Here comes a flying saucer shadowing the babyfaces and...wait, what? Since when did the Dark Queen have a flying saucer? Wasn't the original space ship enough? Since when was that destroyed. God; this episode is erasing my memory and I'm trying to take notes here! Anyhow; apparently keeping Battletoads is a crime in Dark Queen's world so, she is going to destroy planet Earth. Good; at least she is not Ally Cassandra. The flying saucer flies away towards the West Valley Mall. This is clearly (a) BS&P rearing it's ugly head ahead not wanting a Flying Dupes situation and (b) because the toads are deep as their thin skin to care about a damn mall over her destroying the rest of the planet. The saucer turns into a buzzsaw and slices through the roof of the mall. Oh; so that's why she needed it then? Okay; I can accept this now. We go inside the mall; and damn it to hell if it wasn't so lifeless. The toads hop up the floors from the bottom floor to the second floor as the buzzsaw cuts through the roof inside. Zitz proclaims that they'll have to get inside and so Zitz jumps onto the bottom of the saucer and his fist turns into a drill. He drills a hole and the drill goes through the thing with it; but his fist somehow stays on his hand afterwards. We run inside a hallway and then they stop as they are surrounded by Dark Queen and all of her heels. Dark Queen has a staff with a goblin's head on it, for no reason as she proclaims that they walked right into the trap. Which is similar to all Nintendo fanboys walking into the obvious trap of a leaker who faked the Nintendo NX controller. Ah; the wonders of 3D printers on making leaks look legit when they are not. George Pie proclaims that no one can defeat them even though it's ten on one advantage heels and that's before the laster satelite dishes come into play. Oh; hello there albino General Vermin, I thought you would never get here for the party. Where was he; having a prologue smoke break? Dark Queen needs to rethink giving the villains their own customized smoke breaks. It's seriously hampering their heel effectiveness.

So DQ orders them destroyed and fire at the toads. Slaughter then panics and pleads for the queen to stop as the lasers somehow go through the flying saucer and Slaughter claims that the laser fire destroyed the controls. Oh lord; this is horrible booking. It's horrible because the heels beat themselves making the toads look weak. It's horrible because there was no evidence that the controls were destroyed and it's horrible because it was ten on one and they screwed it up making the heels look like total idiots because they couldn't shield their ship better. Stupid! So the queen uses the golf club teleportation device to warp out; and they give us five seconds of the green rat panicking because he was left behind; but his tail pulls him through the portal. The toads are amused, I wasn't. George calls DQ stupid and Dave proclaims that this is as a result of hiring barnyard animals, even though the smart one Slaughter is a barnyard animal by proxy while half of them are rats who are not barnyard animals. STUPID! They climb out of the flying saucer from the hole and jump down cutting a catchphrase as the flying saucer explodes over a barn and somehow the debris misses the barn completely. That amused me in it's total lack of logic. So we head back as the toads shake hands with the principal as Angelica is wearing a green shirt and black skirt. I just realized that T. Bird was wearing swimming flippers the entire time. Morgan asks the principal if the order is still up and the principal of course does away with the order despite the fact that it was already violated, and thus means nothing. So we do handshakes and greeting of new friends as the principal has now accepted the toads after threatening to call the police on them. The student body and the principal bow before the princess because she really is one. She hugs the toads, calls them heroes and the babyfaces all love it. T. Bird has a fountain pen and thinks it's a proton refractor as the principal grabs it back from him before he hurts himself. This causes the fountain pen to spray in his face as T. Bird appears to be cleaning his face. The toads jump up into the air for a high-fifteen as they claim that toads rule. Sadly; they do not. The thing ends with "The Beginning..." on the bottom of the screen and that ends the pilot at 20:15. That last shot looked poorly animated by the way. This was awful; but it was a different sort of awful. 1/4* (5%).

THE REVIEW LINE

Well; we finally got through this different kind of hell. It was awful; but as I mentioned before, it's a different sort of awful. It was more of a tragic, sad awfulness in that there was some decent ideas and the storyline itself was all right. The Battletoads gimmicks were fine and the Dark Queen was a perfectly fine cool heel. The kind of awful that makes me feel bad for everyone involved. Let's face facts: TMNT needed some competition and the creation of Battletoads in video games were really fresh. Sure; the game was a hot mess most of the time, but the characters were compelling, their gimmicks were amusing, the cartoonish nature of the spots made for funny stuff and it had what it takes to be a good alternate to TMNT. The problems were somewhat messed up controls combined with the most broken level design in history. This pilot felt exactly the same thing in it's own way: Great ideas, but extremely poor and lifeless animation killed all the great gimmicked spots and the writing sucked because there were far too many gaps in the storyline, the pacing was all over the place, and the finish was horrible in so many ways. On the other hand; this pilot had the Dark Queen and outside the finish, I still liked her. It's not really her fault she got crappy writing from David Wise and company. Although her voice needed to be recasted, even if that is a moot point right now. Personally; the toads were lovable losers who were merely clumsy and just needed guidance instead of separation. So to a certain extent, I could get behind them; unlike in Bubsy where no one was likable at all. Plus; Dark Queen was much better in her heelish ways than Ally ever was. Overall; this wasn't a crappy cartoon idea from start to finish; this was a good cartoon idea turned into complete crap by people who think they are thinking when they are really not thinking. It's too bad and this pilot never got picked up for a full season. Maybe it's because it's a pitch idea on television that wouldn't make television if quality control was in fact in place. Battletoads wasn't done after this pilot through as a game series as they teamed up with Double Dragon characters to battle everyone since Tradewest owned the trademark for both games back in the day (not anymore), so it Battletoads & Double Dragon videogames on SNES became a running joke for the toads. The games were fine, but nothing we haven't seen before and the play control is still as awkward as ever. The level designs were a slight improvement over the NES version but not much else. Then the brand ran it's course because it is a TMNT clone and the bloom came off the rose, so to speak and Rare got the characters back when Tradewest went into hell so to speak. Rash is apparently returning to Killer Instinct for XBOX One; or so I hear. So in a way, the Battletoads somewhat lived on unlike Bubsy did. The sad thing about this is: If they had just sent it back to David Wise and told them to flesh out the whole thing and be more faithful to the games, then this would have been good. And that ends Easter Sadism 2016 folks, I'm back to dealing with TaleSpin. So...

Thumbs down in hell (sadly) for this episode and I'll see you all next time.

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