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The Mighty Hercules: That's Him! That's Him!
Reviewed: 04/15/2016
Shut Up, Shut Up Newton Two-Two!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2017 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
Dorian's Wreath: Here is episode #52 and we begin with as many denizens the animators could fit into a background picture of the palace of Caledon as it's time to begin the Festival Of The Harvest according to the narrator. King Generic...ERRR...I mean, King Dorian stands in front of his stone throne wanting his wreath of ivy because it's tradition for him to wear it. Some subject in blue with a beige cape shows off an empty white place and proclaims that the wreath is missing, which shocks Dorian as he looks up and there is green pieces of pine needles raining down on him. Take one guess who stole the wreath and you have a 33% chance of guessing right. It's Daedalus of course as he has destroyed the wreath and thrown the pieces onto King Dorian. Yeah; you need a freaking wreath to open a harvest festival. This is the sort of thing smart marks would mock to no end because it's not an idiot plot; it's a useless plot which is far worse. At least an idiot plot is amusing; a useless plot is basically: "We destroy object, we cannot move on despite nothing stopping us from moving on." Anyhow; Dorian wants to sent troops for more ivy and we get stupid moment number two: He can only wear the ivy from Mount Illyam according to the law. Oh; and Dorian must pick him by himself and if he doesn't, he'll lose popularity, despite it not being his fault at all. Dorian accepts the dare and Daedalus leaves saying never at least ten times in succession as he teases flying into the top window of the castle; but we scene change to Mount Olympus in front of the crystal rock with Dadonis; the seer who sees all and lets Hercules do all the work. Dadonis claims that Daedalus is right about Dorian failing because the path to Mount Illyam is too perilous for Dorian. Hercules isn't buying this as the stips say that Dorian must pick the ivy; but it didn't say anything about helping Dorian through the path to the ivy. Nice one, Hercules; nice one. So Hercules does the background animation dive and has brought his bow and arrows with him. Jump cut to Newton Two-Two with Dorian as Newton states that he told him so, twice over. What an annoying little centaur?! So we exchange notes and get going to the first obstacle; which is a large gap between two cliffs; as Dorian asks how do they get across. Hercules of course has the answer and puts on the ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER HELPING TIME~! No soundwaves this time as Hercules gets behind a tree and punches the trunk, causing it to land between the gaps and create an obvious log bridge.
The babyfaces cross the bridge and call this the fastest bridge ever built. You don't say?! Jump cut to the skies as Daedalus is watching on and has realized "Oh damn; I should have put more stips in place to screw Dorian over!" Daedalus bails to the top of Mount Illyam which is basically a steep mountain. The babyfaces arrive and Dorian sees this mountain climb as impossible. God; this king is so useless. No wonder Hercules protects him all the time. Hercules has his bow and arrow ready and only needs a long vine. Newton manages to give this vine to Hercules without anyone seeing it; and Newtons' response of not thinking that is priceless here. So Hercules fires his vine arrow and it sticks to an area about 90% of the way up the mountain. Jump cut to the babyfaces in shadow climbing the vine as we scene change to Dorian seeing a tiny spruce tree as the babyfaces think that the festival will go on after all. Yeah; I'll bet. Jump cut to Daedalus with a test tube of liquid blowing him off; and then breaks the thing against the mountain, causing Daedalus to fly stage left and the entire mountain to shake. Newton claims that the mountain will blow up due to pressure and Daedalus for once calls Newton a smart centaur, instead of calling him stupid like he normally does. Hercules is shown teleporting to the vine rope as he punches a piece of rock and pulls it out. This causes water (I think) to gush out of DA...HOLE (slurp!) and it drowns Daedalus in water and that is known as taking off the pressure. Yip; Newton's a stupid centaur again. So we get the climbing up the mountain footage played backwards to waste time and then return to the throne room with Dorian sitting on said throne wearing the ivy on the sides of his head, making him look like a complete tool. He asks Newton for approval and he calls it perfect; so yeah, Newton is a dumb centaur. We can begin the festival that should have stopped no one as Hercules does his catchphrase and flies away stage left to end the episode at 4:30. What a stupid useless episode this was?! This was a *** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for the entire useless plot, King Dorian being King Dorian (we never actually see him pick the ivy, as per the stips if anyone didn't notice earlier) and Daedalus looking stupid for not destroying the kingdom, destroying one wreath that in any other universe would make everyone shrug. -* (-20%).
Daedalus & The Evil Unicorn: I believe this is episode #53; and this would be my third episode I have reviewed from the black & white version of the show. Episode opens with a pan shot of the prototype version of the Terrified Forest from The Wuzzles. Scene change to a less hostile forest shot of a cave. Okay; the forest is the Lernaean Forest as usual as we hear neighing while zooming inside the cave to show a brown unicorn who looks mean and nasty. Jump cut to outside the cave with Daedalus and the debut for rant purposes; a grey cat he names Dyido. The cat is just a pet. Wilhemine has one as well; a green parrot named Elvira. Strangely; Murtis has no pet to speak of. I guess it was to make sure that no one could say that Murtis and Daedalus were the same character in every single way. Daedalus tells Dydo to watch as he makes circular hand motions for a while; which scares Dydo to death. Jump cut to the unicorn being the unicorn as it comes out of the cave, by zooming out the background so it's at the entrance. Daedalus tells Dydo to stop being scared since it's the last Chrisolian Unicorn. That doesn't help with my composure. Daedalus tells Dydo to watch as the unicorn fires a horn and it fires through a tree, cutting it in half. I dare those unicorn horns The New Day wears do that! The horn regenerates on cue just to make Dydo look like an idiot as Daedalus admits that he raised the unicorn for one purpose; which is to make himself king of Caledon. Because you see; without Hercules, King Dorian is useless. So we scene change to Caledon with a pan shot as a guard with a spear stands there next to a chariot. We hear neighing sounds and the guard instantly drops his spear. Here comes the unicorn with Daedalus watching on as the evil unicorn destroy an innocent chariot off-screen. This of course is enough to have the guard panic and yell for help. One guard on the rampart calls it the Presolian Unicorn instead of the Chrisolian Unicorn; for no reason. It's like the Inkara or Yenkara, no one knows how to pronounce it right. Unicorn shoots horns like it's going out of style as we jump cut to Newton looking as awkward as centuarly possible.
Newton ducks two unicorn horns as Daedalus and Dydo have teleported to a rampart and act all amused and everything. Someone calls for the king's guards; which makes me go: "Aren't they already here?". Daedalus don't care because his Krackpotkin plan is working perfectly. Daedalus bails because he has work to do; and before we find out what it is we fade to black. We return with a shot of Mount Olympus and then we scene change to The Mighty Hercules doing the background animated dive once again. They don't even bother showing him landing; as we scene change to him already on the ground looking for Newton. Newton finds him and is yelling at him to duck twice; then neighes in a panic and then ducks a unicorn horn. Great Zeus, indeed Herc! Repeat shot of the unicorn shooting his horns. Normally; this would be bad, but it does make the monster a lot more threatening this way, so I'm fine with the repeat shot here. One of the horns hits a guard tower and it does ZERO damage to it; effectively killing the threat...but then I realize someone was at the top of the tower and the tower leans to the right with the guard calling for help. The way they animated this was to twist the animation cell of the tower to simulate movement, which does look cool even if it's awfully cheap of them. The tower finally tips and the guard falls. Hercules does the leap of faith, easily grabs the guard and that is that as the tower is finally destroyed. Newton is so happy to see it that he claps. Newton notices the unicorn spouting horns (as if the repeat shots caused Newton to go blind) as Hercules proclaims that it's time to put on his ring; which he does. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! So Hercules runs in and the unicorn is so stupid that he turned his back on the babyface allowing Hercules to leap onto the back of the unicorn with ease. Then we get the UNICORN STAMPEDE~; in which the animation makes sense; but the camera shakes and moves so violently that I felt ill and almost had whiplash every ten seconds or so. Hercules holds onto it's horn while Newton watches and the unicorn suddenly weakens and is tamed, causing Newton to do a slow clap.
Now; since the unicorn is tamed; the episode is over, right? Nah; we still got forty seconds left in the episode as we head to the capital known as Caledon and into King Dorian's law room where Dorian is writing up laws and other stupid announcements. Dorian is about to stamp the seal of approval on a scroll; and he looks in a certain direction, noticing Daedalus right away. Dorian yells for the guards; but Daedalus tells him to save his breath because they are fighting outside with the unicorn, including Hercules. Daedalus thrown down an executive order (Who does Daedalus think he is? President Donald Trump or something?) and wants Dorian to sign the kingdom over to him. You know; without Hercules, this villain is actually effective, which makes him better than Satan from Chargeman Ken, just for that. Sadly; the unicorn is beat so we all know the finish to this: Dorian is about to sign it; but the feather pen gets shot away by the unicorn horn as the babyfaces come in with the unicorn. Daedalus bails stage left as three horns are shot at him. Hercules follows him as Dorian, Newton and the unicorn shoot the breeze together. One of the few times you'll see a guest actually relate to Newton actually. Dorian tells the unicorn to stop being wicked or he's unleash the...OLYMPIAN~!!! That ends the episode at 4:30. Fun episode for what it was; and Daedalus looked effective until Hercules tamed the unicorn within thirty seconds, but what can you do? This was ** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for the unicorn stampede sequence and the attempt of pronouncing the name of this beast. * 3/4 (35%).
The Cure: Hey; here's our first season one episode at #19; outside of the pilot of course. Dorian is in his infamcy as king of Caledon and he's already on his deathbed in the castle due to a deadly illiness. We do not know how he became ill as we see his staff and a white bearded man in a brown robe carrying a white motar and pesel as the doctor proclaims that only the nector of the rare lotus fruit can save king Dorian now. The brown bearded man asks about it and the doctor tells him not to worry because he already has sent someone to get the fruit. Geez; I wonder who it could be. Fade to black and we return as Hercules is already on Earth walking west. There is a lot of sad violin music playing in this scene as Hercules tells Newton to get a move on. Newton asks if Tewt can come; so I believe this is his first appearance in the show's storyline. Hercules is all like "Sure, whatever, now let us go!" and Newton acts like Tewt just won the Royal Rumble or something. So we have Tewt bouncing off Newton's back as Newton walks with horse sound effects while Tewt blows his strynx. And to think; Tewt is the least annoying of this duo. Jump cut to Daedalus hiding behind a tree with Dydo the diseased cat of doom and Daedalus isn't even pretending to hide the fact that he caused the illness of King Dorian (The "I have seen to that" is a dead giveaway.) in order to gain the throne of Caledon to himself. So we have Hercules walking and proclaiming that the bush is at the end of the path so follow him. This leads to the repeat sequence of Newton walking with Tewt bouncing off his back blowing his strynx. Don't understand the closeup of Tewt here as Hercules stops and scouts the area. Hercules proclaims that he found it; but then gets caught in a grass carpet that goes through a pit; causing Hercules to freefall. How bad is Team Rocket when their gimmick of trapping twerps in pits was stolen from a 1960's show like this?! Boy; my psyche is suffering..oh wait; it's Tewt's blowing music that making it suffer, my mistake. Hercules free falls through what appears to be a bottomless pit as Tewt blows the obvious to Newton. Daeadlus has now teleported right at the pit and admits he did it. HA! Oh; and this pit is bottomless, so Hercules will never hit bottom. Newton of course has to point out that it's Daedalus and say it twice. It's called the Endless Chasm by the way as we see Hercules struggling and then he stops selling and goes for the ring. He puts it on and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! No soundwaves here, sadly.
Hercules uses the legs to stop himself, which cannot help his feet at all and then he jumps up yelling OLYMPIAN~ much earlier than usual. Daedalus of course, stands over the pit like a goddamn idiot in the perfect position for Hercules to punch him right in the kisser. Somehow; Dydo flies into the air with Daedalus, I don't know how. The character turn 270 degrees in the perfect position that when they land, they will land on their heads. CRRRRRINNNNGGGGEEEEE~! Luckly; it was all off-screen when they crash as Daedalus is dizzy; but looks stoned as Dydo completely no sold the crash. Wait; what?! Daedalus is actually sitting in front of the bushes containing the lotus fruit; which looks like the palest green peppers you ever did see. Daedalus stops selling and proclaims that he hasn't been beaten yet as Newton helps Hercules out of the pit while Tewt is clearly watching Daedalus' every move. Daedalus' plan is to place a branch of three fake lotus fruit on the bush and hope Hercules picks it. Why not lace them with poison; and make it even more obvious that this is how Dorian got sick in the first place? That would make more sense and be extremely heelish. Tewt clearly sees all of this as Daedalus bails and hides behind a tree with Dydo. Hercules makes it to the bush and declares two will be enough as he attempt to grab two of the fake fruit; but Tewt starts blowing his strynx wildly in the universal sign of "Don't pick them. They are fake!" Newton asks what is going on here and now Newton cannot understand what he is saying. After some more blowing and making out words; they discover that Daedalus was responsible for this as Hercules gets it and notices Daedalus hiding behind the tree literally seconds later. Hercules throws the fake fruit at Daedalus as he gets creamed with white liquid that looks like seaman. Daedalus' expression is priceless on that moment as Tewt blows his syrinx some more as Hercules picks two real lotus fruit and that is that. So the final scene is in Dorian's bedroom as Dorian is eating the fruit and has recovered. Damn; even Timons would make a better king than this loser. Newton and Tewt are here to shoot the breeze with Dorian and of course; Newton takes all the credit for it, causing Tewt to rightfully blow him off literally with the syrinx. Geez; Tewt is the number two babyface of this show! Newton is ashamed as we get Hercules' catchphrase to end the episode at 4:33. Tewt is a better sidekick than Newton ever was; although he's helped by the fact that he speaks in musical tones. I give this ** on the trainwreck scale for Daedalus stupid idiot moment with the pit. * 1/2 (30%).
The Wild Boar: Well; here is episode #47 and we begin this one in the Lernean Forest with a pan shot with the HISSING OF NIGHTMARES as we see a dieased brown boar of Mount Erymanthus chained to the ground with a magic chain that prevents the boar from wrecking havoc on the countryside and a wooden peg. So why not just unpluck the wooden peg?! Shouldn't the wooden peg attached to the chain be magical, then? That's really stupid. No one noticed this obvious logic break but me. Stupid! So we head to Daedalus' cave and inside with Daedalus holding a music playing golden tuning fork with Dydo watching on. Daedalus explains that the tuning fork of doom will shatter the chain to bits. I don't see the point of doing that when pulling out the wooden peg would be more effective, but then again, that would require strength Daedalus doesn't have, so yeah, this is the next best thing. Dydo seems bored which Daedalus takes as not believing in him. Daedalus flicks the tuning fork as soundwaves emmit from the place and somehow, none of it destroys the cave. There is only some weapons and armor that explode and they teleport off the shelves onto the ground destroyed just like that. Oops! Daedalus laughs on cue and then bails out of the cave as Dydo is amused now because Daedalus has work to do; including releasing the wild boar of Mount Erymanthus of course. I don't understand the point of doing that when he already has a big weapon to take over Caledon, but then again; what do I know. Scene change to a far shot of Mount Olympus and then we zoom in and see The Mighty Hercules do the animation background dive in fog and a mountain background. That's oddly awkward! He lands behind the bushes calling for Newton and Newton annoys me with his double catchphrase. Newton is waving his tail for no reason and then points to Daedalus on a cliff with the tuning fork of doom. I swear that he's going to go all Broken Matt Hardy on us as Hercules goes for the ring and puts it on. it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! Daedalus proclaims that Hercules will need all the strength he can get; but he'll be busy elsewhere as Daedalus flicks the fork and the sound waves are starting to crumble the top of a mountain as Newton points out the obvious to us. We pan down and notice a sailing boat on the river below as Hercules panics because the rocks will crush the boat. OLYMPIAN~!!
Hercules dives into the water from the cliff above and the boat suddenly appears out of nowhere on the closeup shot while not being shown on the far shot when we see the wave of water swimming to the east, which is Hercules pushing the boat away. The rock cuts off and rolls down splashing into the water and getting Hercules' hair all wet, but the boat is far away, so who cares? Newton claims that Daedalus is almost there. Almost there where?! Hercules is all wet getting out knowing this as we have to make double time with the babyfaces running west. Newton's running is the most awkward looking animation I have ever seen. Jump cut to the boar hissing and pulling on the chain. In comes Daedalus with the tuning fork from the east. Apparently; if the chain is broken, the boar (which looks like a badly drawn mascot of the Arkansas Razorbacks by the way) becomes his master. Somehow; I doubt it since the boar sees him and hisses at it, so I am so not buying this angle. Jump cut to Newton running and proclaiming that it's too late. Jump cut to Daedalus in a different background raising the fork above his head. Daedalus waits and then flicks it as Newton proclaims that Daedalus has won this time. Hercules thinks not and here's the finish: Hercules finds rock. Hercules tosses rock as the sound waves flutter towards the rock instead of the magic chain. Rock touches tuning fork. Tuning fork explodes and is destroyed; which somehow Daedalus is completely untouched despite being in the direct area of the explosion. Daedalus is literally looking into the hard camera, shocked and appalled as Hercules grabs him and takes him away stage right. This was so stupid; as stupid as Newton ordering the boar to shut up. Thankfully; the boar no sells him and we get Hercules' catchphrase as Daedalus really pissed off Hercules this time. The final shot shows Hercules running east with Daedalus in tow and Hercules is bouncing Daedalus a million times off the ground with his ass on the way out. OUCH! That ends the episode at 4:30. Man; what a trooper Daedalus is to sell that for the babyface as this was ** on the trainwreck scale for the dumb finish and the dumb premise in general. * (20%).
The Valley Of Whirlwinds: So; here's the episode before The Wild Boar (#46) and we begin at the capital known as Cale(y)don...oh wait; it isn't Caledon, it's Mount Olympus using a recycled background of Caledon. Why? I have no idea. So we head into Zeus' throne room. As I mentioned before in the pilot; the average episode has the shot of Zeus sitting on the throne on the side shot instead of a direct shot to save costs. There is a lot of thunderclaps and light in the background during this as Zeus pumps his fists in outrage and demands answers to said outrage of tempering with his lightning bolts. One of the subjects whom we do not see says that they do not know; but Zeus don't care and he will find out as he looks out one of the circular windows in shock and is in shocks as we see Newton on a platform playing with a disc that shoots out thunderbolts and neighing with glee like a psychopath. Geez; security is awfully lax on Mount Olympus. Zeus yells at Newton; Newton turns around, panics and backs up over the platform and free falls with the disc in a panic dive animated by the background. And they even have enough in the budget to do a back shot of him in a mirrored way. Newton neighes, shakes his tail and lands in a grassy plain as we get more suffering pysches before fading to black. We return with a back shot of Hercules facing King Zeus in his throne room. Zeus' voice sounds more cranky than the pilot version as Zeus orders Hercules to bring back his thunderbolt disc at once and Hercules obeys without question. Zeus also tells Hercules to inform Newton that he's sorry for startling him. See; Zeus can be a forgiving god after all. He just likes annoying centuars who speak twice over. Scene change to Hercules diving with the background doing the animating. Umm; memo to the narrator: It's only one mission; unless you were trying a pun which wasn't funny. Oh; and as Hercules lands, we find Murtis The Iron Mask with his mask on already. Now; here's the stupidity in all of this: Since we know that merely flipping the mask off causes Murtis to lose his no selling skills; Hercules just has to trip Murtis and the mask comes flying off as seen in an earlier episode, right? Well; this episode isn't focused on the Iron Mask because Murtis is offering to race Hercules for the disc and Murtis will win by going through the Valley Of The Whirlwinds. So what is the point of the gimmick then? Just have Daedalus do this race, since he and Murtis are basically the same guy, only one wears a black mask and one wears an iron juice can on his head. Not much to work with here.
Jump cut to a lot of crappy artwork flying into the wind with the greatest of ease. Jump cut to a shot of a tornado racing towards the hard camera. Jump cut to lots of felled dead plants scattered on the ground. Murtis arrives rising from the dead plants and then walks stage right as we jump cut to a closeup shot of Murtis walking to the east. Murtis sidesteps a tornado; even though he was in an area where the tornado wouldn't have hit him; even if Murtis didn't move at all. Murtis still proclaims that nothing can hurt him while he has the mask on. No; the tornado would never touch you since you were never in it's path to begin with! Your mask didn't have to do anything there! Murtis dares Hercules to follow him and Hercules is like "But Thou Must~!" and puts on the ring. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! No soundwaves this time either as Murtis bails stage right cackling as a dead log bounces off Murtis' mask with ease, which Murtis no sells. Hercules follows and has a wee bit more trouble running through the wind; but it isn't like this wind is stopping him or anything. Hercules would run much faster than me in this situation. Murtis taunts Hercules some more as a tornado stops Hercules in his tracks; and then the tornado heads towards Murtis' direction. Huh? Hercules notices a conveniently placed tree and rips off a giant green leaf. He forms it into a green bag and the tornado goes into it and apparently; this is the source material for Eleroo's pounch as well. The whirlwind is sealed up and we play sad music as Hercules walks slowly east with the giant bag of wind. Jump cut to Newton with the disc as he thinks Hercules has arrived, but of course it's not. Murtis orders Newton to hand the disc over; Newton no sells and uses it, but Murtis no sells the shots of course because he has the mask of Vulcan on. Just trip the guy; that's how Tewt beat him in the previous episode! Murtis pumps his fist in rage and finally calls Newton a stupid centaur. I have been waiting for someone to officially call him that! Hercules comes in and Murtis turns around and gets into the perfect position to show an opening in the mask as Hercules aims the windbag of death at the opening. Three guesses what happens next and the first two don't count. Murtis's mask is off and Murtis gets engulfed by the whirlwind and is carried away probably into space and dead. Hercules calls for Newton and Newton does his stupid catchphrase twice before handing the disc over to Hercules. Hercules jumps up stage left and flies away doing his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:31. So yes; Hercules didn't even inform Newton that Zeus had apologized to him. What a dick?! Just your usual bad Mask Of Vulcan episode where Murtis has to look absolutely stupid in order to lose. No trainwreck scale rating for this, so call it DUD (0%).
The Valley Of Storms: Speaking of windbags; here's another episode featuring a lot of wind and is a season 3 episode and one of the final six episodes of the series actually. Episode opens with a valley with lots of wind, an ugly mask face forming on the side of the valley and some rocks bouncing around. Then the wind animation effects all stop as we pan over to outside the valley with Newton and Tewt at the base. The narrator is claiming that Newton isn't afraid of this thing; which I say is a lie. We do a closeup as Newton is wearing the H belt for this episode as Hercules has told them to never go inside; but Newton wants to disobey Hercules in order to let Tewt see the valley. Tewt blows to tell us that he doesn't want to go there and Newton thinks Tewt is scared. Geez; maybe he's not scared of the valley; but is actually scared about Hercules punishing him and Newton for disobeying him. Did you ever think about that, Newton Two-Two? Tewt is scared of course and Newton tells him not to worry because he'll protect Tewt. I don't buy that for one second. Then Newton literally displays lobster courage literally seconds later wanting Tewt to climb first. I see where Grubby got that trait from. Fitting since both of them have more than two legs to walk on. Tewt runs up the mountain side and reaches a cliff. Newton is so scared that Tewt literally has to help him up the mountainside. Tewt won't let go for some reason as Newton orders him to let go. Newton then shoves Tewt down the other side into the valley of storms. Geez; I thought Max's friendship with PJ was dangerous. There is no bump in sight as Newton has a suffering psyche attack again as Tewt is flying around and somehow; doesn't get bashed by the flying boulder in the valley. Tewt holds onto a rocky spike on the side of the valley for dear life. Sadly; it dislodges and we get more bouncing and flying from Tewt as more rocks are available to bash his brains out. If the animation wasn't so hooky; this would be frightening as hell.
Newton has to get Herc as he opens the belt and shines the moon stone into the sky. It reaches Mount Olympus and that means it's time for The Mighty Hercules to reach the scene via the background animated diving scene. Hercules lands in front of Newton as we do the silly meet and greet at the worst possible time. Hercules asks what is going on and Newton points to Tewt. Hercules panics and will have to ponder over how to get him out. Dammit; we don't have time for that. Worse; for no reason at all, the moon beam also jump cuts to a white cloud which has Daedalus hiding inside. What is the point of Daedalus being here; other than to be annoying to Newton? Daedalus claims that Tewt would love to have some company and flies into the sky. Okay; that sounds awfully creepy, show! Oh wait; Daedalus comes in from behind and pushes Hercules into the valley of storms. Of course! That's why he was booked here then! What a fool I was?! Now my pysche is suffering as both babyfaces are bouncing around all in shadows in the valley of storms. Closeup shot of Hercules flying and gets nailed in the midsection with a giant boulder. Hercules flys left and bonks into the side wall hard. OUCH! Newton neighes in horror as Daedalus laughs with glee. Hercules kicks the boulder away and hops down for more bouncing and flying in the valley of storms in shadow. And then we repeat the exact same sequence with Hercules and the boulder. What are the odds of that? About every episode during the 1960's I bet. Repeat shot of Daedalus laughing as Hercules kicks the boulder away. Hercules is stuck against the wall; so he's like "Enough of this BS!" and brings out the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Boulder comes back to squish Hercules again and Hercules gently pushes it aside this time and it never comes back. Tewt is tooting in mid-air during all this and this is causing two boulders to come in and try to squish Tewt. Who is the best sidekick of the entire show by the way. Repeat shot of Daedalus laughing. Yes; they used the same laughing shot three times in this episode alone. Now Tewt notices this and panics; but Hercules grabs him by the ankle and pulls him down before the rocks crash into each other.
Hercules brings Tewt down into a conveniently placed cave as rock debris flies around even though there was no sign of the rocks crushing each other in the previous shot. Hercules finds a boulder and throws it into the Valley of Storm's mouth; sealing the wind up. This sounds like a bad idea to me; both on paper and in practice. Newton cheers victory; but Deadelus claims that he'll send him back in there as the mouth shoots out the boulder and the wind restarts. Oops! So instead of Hercules coming up with a different plan; we waste time by Hercules defining the word insanity by doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. And it works! OH MY GOD IT WORKS~! Hercules put some zip into that boulder throw as Hercules has Tewt on his back and jumps up and lands in front of Newton with ease. Newton neighes with the worst martial arts zoom shot I have ever seen as the boulder is spit out and the babyfaces all jump up to dodge the boulder. Daedalus (who can fly with ease in this cartoon) just stands there like a goddamn idiot and takes the boulder in the body and flies away stage right. The babyfaces land with Hercules helping them down as Hercules goes after Daedalus again. Newton neighes as he did no flying like the lazy centaur that he is as Hercules does his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:30. This gets ** 1/4 on the trainwreck scale for repeated animation and the finish which defies reality like nothing else. 3/4* (15%).
The Owl-Man Of Panssus: Here's an early season three episode (#94) as we begin with a shot of a forest with a mountain in the background and Tewt playing his synrix in the forest with Newton. Newton has the Gruffi pose on as the narrator tells us that Newton likes Tewt's song as in comes Helena with some flowers as we head up a mountain side and lying there is Wilhemine with a giant horn ready to get her revenge on Helena; because she's jealous of Helena's beauty. Even though she's not really pretty, she has mounds of makeup caked on her face. Helena would get laughed out of a The Beautiful People casting; she is so overmaked up. Wilhemine tips the horn and sand flies out and freefalls; then proceeds to fly into the wind right in Helena's face; which she proceeds to be knocked off after being nailed with CM Punk's finisher. Newton's psyche has been suffering again and Hercules conveniently runs in yelling at Newton. Hercules checks on her and doesn't even touch her at all as Newton avoids using the word die in a show where saying die is not avoided. Wilhemine cackles as she knows about the sands of Morphesus; which causes ever-lasting sleep, which means, she's dead basically. Newton wonders if there is any hope and Hercules doesn't know; but he knows someone who might, and he is the Owlman. So it's one of Doctor Wily's rejected robot masters? No. Scene change to Hercules running up a mountainside as we head to the peak of Mount Panssus, home of the dreaded Owlman. The running here is so cheap that the shadows expose that fact even more. Hercules instantly disappears into the peak as we head to a dead tree which doubles as a throne for the Owlman, who is basically an owl anthro wearing a green dress and black belt. Despite Hercules not saying a word, the owlman knows what is grieving him as Hercules asks if there is anything he can do to wake Helena from death...ERRR...I mean, everlasting sleep. Owlman claims that he needs two sounds: A shrill scream louder than the pipes of Pan, a sight from the depths of Neptune's sea and both will he need to wake up the maiden who slumbers near the tree. Geez; this owlman is creepy. Hercules thanks the owlman and runs down the mountain towards the sea. Hercules is on a cliff looking for something as the narrator tells us the obvious for us.
Hercules dives into the water and heads underwater swimming westward. He grabs a horn from a clam shell and rises up to the surface with it after the clam shuts it's trap. Damn; I wish it was Newton's for a second there. Hercules runs across the shoreline west as we jump cut to Helena who is nowhere near under a tree; so Owlman needs to fine tune his accurate eyes there. Hercules runs in as we discover that the horn is a seashell as Hercules puts it near Helena's ear and she smiles, which means she's no longer dead, now she's merely sleeping for the rest of her life. In other words; a coma. Newton, stupid centaur, no shock. We still need the shrill voice louder than the pipes of Pan. If you cannot guess who does the shrill scream, you have no business reading this rant. Wilhemine comes back proclaiming that no voice is shriller than the pipes of Pan and Hercules agrees with her. Booking says you lie, Hercules. So Newton tells Tewt to blow higher than high and be as shrill as you can be. Tewt might be the biggest sidesick savior of the show, but no, he's going to fail. And Tewt falls on his back knocked silly as Newton has lost all hope now. Wilhemine giggles on cue as Hercules gets his ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So Hercules runs stage right and up the mountainside as Wilhemine starts rolling down boulders with her legs; causing Hercules to throw each of them aside with ease. Wilhemine's screams for help are beyond pathetic as Hercules tips the top of the broken mountain causing Wilhemine to fall over western bound and shrieks loudly on the way down. Hercules jumps and zooms western bound in a straight line as we jump cut to Helena who wakes up right on cue. HA! Called that one easily enough. Hercules thanks Wilhemine, catches her and bails stage left as Helena is confused as we get another gimmick of the show: Hercules leaves Helena hanging while Hercules does his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:30 approx. Never go out on a date with Hercules, he'll never keep it straight. This gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the bad animation and Wilhemine being dumb in not leaving the scene when she had the chance. 1/2* (10%).
Hercules Battles The Krudes Beast: We finally end this rant with an early season one episode (#30) beginning with a shot of fenced cattle standing there and mooing like crazy. This causes the sleeping farm village to turn on the lights and wake up as one of the denizens looks out and sees nothing of note, looking confused. More mooing as we get a shot of the foggy moon and then we fade to black and return at morning as all the fenced areas have no cattle whatsoever. Two denizens look shocked and appalled; and already are accusing someone of stealing the cattle. Sadly; they are right as we head to a valley near a river near the Lernaean Forest as Daedalus is over a hill peak watching on, so yeah, he stole them. Somehow. He defies anyone to take them back and then bails stage left to count the prize money. Geez; he is DARING someone to kick his ass and you can guess who will do such an ass kicking as we head to Mount Olympus as we head inside Zeus' throne room with Hercules and Zeus looking at each other from the side shot they always use in this scene. Don't know why since no one speaks and then we scene change to Hercules diving down via the background animation. Newton is already there to point the obvious for us; that annoying centaur when Hercules lands. Pan over to Daedalus standing there like an idiot as Hercules claims that Daedalus knows why he is here and Daedalus brings out a giant tulip bulb and squeezes on it to form smoke. The smoke swirls and explodes to form a green devil creature with a leaf ended tail. Hercules wins the cattle back if he beats the beast of course and it hisses like mad. Hercules is gloating over this as he puts the ring on and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules runs in as the Krudes Beast hisses like hell on earth as Hercules invokes the POWER OF THE PUNCH and knocks it out. Way to go, Daedalus, we have the single worst monster in this series....Oh wait; the Krudes Beast has now split into two. I should have known when Daedalus was laughing on cue back there. Suffering psyche indeed! You are the foremost expert on double and trouble, Newton!
So the Krudes Beasts run in hissing and both of them still get punched in the face and knocked out. Way to go Daedalus, they are still the worst...Oh wait; it's four Krudes Beasts now. Of course, Daedalus reveals the solution to the whole problem like the stupidest heel in history as smashing the tulip bulb destroys the Krudes Beasts outright; but Daedalus won't do it. You know; if this were the 1980's; Hercules would have made the beasts friends and have them attack Daedalus to the point where Daedalus has to smash the tulip bulb to save himself. But this is the 1960's where almost every monster is a heel on this show and they stay heels no matter what. The beasts form a wall near the river while Daedalus is as Newton has lost hope. Hercules then hears water underneath the ground. Hercules bails as he and Newton find a lake leading into a dark cave. So here's the finish of this episode in a nutshell: Hercules dives into the lake and swims into cave. Hercules swims across cave to the other side and heads to the shoreline from behind Daedalus, like a heel. Hercules grabs the tulip bulb from Daedalus as Daedalus is in shock. The beasts rush Hercules. Hercules squeezes the bulb three times and three beasts disappear in an explosion hit. The fourth beast stops and then just bails away stage right. Why? I don't know. It's not like this would change the fact that three beasts were killed by Hercules anyway. Hercules then grabs Daedalus and throws him into the air and he lands right on the back of the last Krudes beast, so that was the entire point of keeping him alive, I guess. Then Hercules squeezes the bulb and makes the fourth one disappears, just so Daedalus could take a cartoony bump onto the ground like an idiot. Newton neighes as Hercules tends to the cows saying that he wants Newton to stay here while he gets the cattle safely home. Hercules does his catchphrase as one of the cattle licks Newton right in the neck and back to end the episode at 4:31. Everyone is acting creepy today, except for me! Just another simple to the point episode, so no trainwreck scale rating here. ** (40%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Sixteen down; sixteen to go. What more can I say? This show is more amusing to me in commentary than it is for the bottom line so I won't say anymore. OLYMPIAN~!! So...
Thumbs down for everything (mostly thumbs in the middle on the trainwreck scale; if anyone cares about that) and I'll see you all next time.